#every time one of the songs from this album came on in the car id so casually go to boom like 'oh so this one is about ___'

[hella1975]

for a popular band i dont see nearly enough people freaking the fuck out about the lumineers on here! i have to do everything my damn self! anyway listen to their album III in order WITH the music videos and maybe you'll feel significantly worse about everything ever

[stgroversfire]

one of my biggest pet peeves that i think is really common is just absolutely shitting on household name bands. like ones that have ascended beyond popular to literally no one hasnt heard of them. whose music is maybe seen as boring for how much we have to hear it.

case in point:

the first song i ever actually felt an emotional connection to was it's time by imagine dragons. i was 12ish and i made a drawing for art class based on it that also happens to be the first piece of art i was ever truly proud of and made me want to create more.

night visions (deluxe) was so important to me at that time, i laughed and cried and sang and danced to that album, and the night visions tour was the first real concert i ever went to! i still remember that concert, i remember my mom and sister dragging me out during the encore because they wanted to get ahead of traffic, and i was crying happy tears singing along to nothing left to say/rocks as it played muffled through the concrete walls.

i couldn't tell you exactly what else i was listening to at that point other than what itunes called "alternative," but then smoke and mirrors came out and it was such a new sound that i had never experienced before and i think thats when i really became ravenous for more music. i went to that tour as well and it was incredible.

and then i started listening to stuff my friends showed me, because now i actually cared, and i got on fallout boy and p!atd and most importantly twenty one pilots.

i listened to my dad's favorite bands from the 70s/80s, namely supertramp and boston. i got into trap and dubstep. i listened when my brother played hip hop in the car and got hooked on mac miller, and then when i found out what hip hop was like in the 70s and the whole culture that developed around it, i truly fell in love with hip hop. i mean that shit got me through my worst days of high school.

and honestly once i got to college i was just listening to anything; grunge, traditional heavy metal, thrash metal, indie pop, folk, blues, jazz (i took a jazz class for an elective, and that shit is fascinating), j-rock, chiptunes, lofi, city pop, eurobeat, punk pop and easycore (thank you alex), breakcore-

okay, i sound like a bragging asshole now, but you get my point. i would not have found any of this if i hadn't heard it's time by imagine dragons, and every time i say ID means a lot to me, i get absolutely shit on. i actually was introduced to rush when ID did a cover of tom sawyer at a concert, and my friend's reaction was "wow that must have sounded like dogshit, they're so bad!" a reddit thread was giving me shit for having ID on my top 10 most listened, ignoring all the stuff i know they had never heard of.

which. alright, to be fair, it is a bit funny and i don't mind getting some flak for it. its the internet, its all in good fun. but the most random obscure shit like will connolly's caterpillars of the commonwealth or phemiec's songs from the dustbowl being on my spotify is owed to ID, put some respect on their name- they were able to reach so many people with their music, and that's something to be celebrated.

uhh tldr: all music is valuable because all music is helping someone get through this shit world, and it can be a gateway to music they don't know that they don't know.

uh and if you actually got this far rec me ur favorite band

[minkkumaz]

OMI!

ik homecoming was like.. a few months ago.. bt all of a sudden i was cleaning my shelf dedicated to my bonedo collection, and i accidentally knocked over woonhaks letter ver. and i dont know what came over me but like imagine being woonhaks hoco date :(

(no idea how knocking over that mini album gave me this idea but it just did…!)

i dont think woonhak would be the type to publicly go up to you with those big hoco posters in the middle of class or something, but rather he’d ask you out in a place meaningful for both of u. sure,, he’d invite his friends to help or just be there for moral support but he’d want to keep it special and for you to only witness.

his board will definitely be purely selfmade. he’d ask some design tips from taesan, but other than that he’d make it solely by himself with no inspiration from anyone elses. (he claims to be a selfmade billionaire artist after you admire his poster)

woonhak would be cheeky,, the rare times where you two facetime without your camera on, he’d be working on the poster. he wants to be immersed in your presence for better inspiration!

NOW! for the actual event. I feel like woonhak would secretly know how to tie a tie, but he’d act like he doesn’t so you could tie it for him.

seeing woonhak for the first time in your brand new dress made you nervous. you knew he’d find you beautiful because he never fails to remind you, but the butterflies in your stomach just kept increasing. nonetheless, you were also excited to see your very handsome boyfriend in a suit. you two decided to match of course; matching the tie to the color of the dress you chose.

woonhak stood by the foot of the stairs, waiting for you to do the big reveal. and once you did, he could feel his lips forming into a wild smile. he could feel his cheeks get warmer, he could feel himself getting shyer, but he couldn’t take his eyes away from you. you were beautiful in every way, he’d remember this day for the rest of his life.

the second you stepped off the staircase, he quickly enveloped you in a hug, the smile never leaving his face.

“you look so beautiful.. so so beautiful.”

your heart was about to leap out of your chest. how could he say such things with such a pure smile?! you complimented him back, his smile seemingly growing larger. woonhak pulled his tie out of his pocket, nudging it to you with a sheepish grin.

“help me?”

as you stood close to him, fixing his tie, he cups your face, staring fondly into your surprised eyes. woonhak caressed your face as he planted a kiss on your forehead.

“im genuinely so in love with you.. did you know that?”

Woonhak is the boy everyone would want to be the date of during homecoming. because its WOONHAK. THEEE Woonhak. By the time you leave your house, (Of course, with woonhak promising your parents he’d take very good care of you) hes covered with a few lipstick stains.

He asked his hyungs to drive him to the dance, so the car was pretty cramped to say the least. Jaehyun teased Woonhak about how lovestruck he was, claiming things like, “oh..they grow up so fast..” and “you practically have hearts for pupils..”

at the actual dance, woonhak would be romantic, but he’d also love to dance randomly with you. if a slow, romantic song played he’d definitely grab you by the waist with a tiny smile and just dance along to the tune.

the two of you swayed to the music, deeply entranced in one anothers embrace. woonhak would whisper sweet words about how grateful he was to have you in his life, and how much he loved you. he took one of your hands off his shoulder and gave it a kiss, gently caressing your fingers in his hands as he smiled at you, his eyes really seeming to shape like hearts this time..

because we should talk abt hand kisses.. ID DIE. ON THE SPOT. FOR THAOE.! LIKEvv

okay like woonhak kissing my hand? HELLO LIKE HELLOOOO. him just bringing it up to his lips and either looking up at you after, or remaining eyecontact while kissing your hand. WHAT A NEEEED that’s literally the main reason fkr me writing this. woonhak giving a kiss on the hand. RGRGGRHRGFJXJC

handkisses my weakness… 😣

also omg the trend where you leave lipstick stains all over ur lovers face.. might be brainstorming that scenario with my faves rn.. (COMING SOON?!!??)

-🍉

it doesn't even need to be homecoming season anymore for me to be absolutely fangirling over this, homecoming would be so sweet with woonhak :(

for me personally, i get embarassed really easy when the attention is on me (ironic because i'm the biggest theater kid ever), so having a private little hoco proposal would be absolutely perfect for me, and seeing a poster he made would make me frown so hard. he deserves the biggest kiss in the entire universe!

the way you wrote this little imagine has me gasping. like how are you hacking into my brain waves and figuring out how i act. i would get shy for him to see me in my dress, but then i'd also probably explode seeing him in a tux. shouldve seen me when but sometimes came out.. i replayed that same exact scene like a billion times.

compliments are my weak spot as well. like anyone gives me a compliment and i'll start crying at their feet. AHHH I CANT STOP IMAGINING THIS MELON WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MEEE

i feel like going in the car with the rest of the bonedo boys would be so funny, they'd have a stakeout outside the school so they could catch reader and woonhak on their way out.

not gonna lie, i always leave school dances early because i am the worst dancer ever and feel awkward sometimes. but maybe my school dances are just lame asf LMAOO

imagining woonhak and reader leaving the dance a little early and walking to the nearest convenience store, just sitting on the curb outside sharing some icecream :)

"yours looks yummy, you should let me try." you smile at woon.

"hey! i bought this with my own hard earned cash, you have your own-" he was cut off as you leaned in and took a bite out of the corner.

"it lives up to the expectation."

"i don't know if i'm more upset at the fact that you ate my icecream, or you took a BITE out of it."

"none of the above?"

"you're right," he sighs, "i can't be mad at you."

he placed a cold kiss on your cheek, pulling you closer into his side. (but he didn't forget to steal a taste of your ice cream as well.

(p.s. i have one of those lipstick trends up that i wrote for sungho! hehe)

[r0ttensunf]

ive heard closer when i was 10 years old, i wanted to sing it with my best friends in a school talent show... that was the first time that ive decided to take a "professional" take on an art project. some time later ive listened to eastside and that song caried me through 2018 wich was one of the most traumatic years of my life, i was fouding out about my bisexuality in a toxic household and toxic classroom in school had no one there for me but then i found out about you for real. Ive listened to strangers cause i knew lauren jauregui but something about you were diferent. I saw some videos about you instantly feel for your beauty (like a 12 yearold who just undertood she liked girls would) and as time passed your music stuck with me more and more. in 2019 i created fan accounts to post edits fanarts all of that for you i developed so much of my editting and desing and ilustration skills consuming your music. In the pandemic your album Manic changed everything for me. i was in my most depressive fase, stuck in my home with a mother who didnt knew how to deal with her daughters feelings and a dad who seam to not care. my mom would scream at me for crying to loud and for not beeing able to get out of bed to shower but hearing your music made me wipe my tears and smile. ive always had a troubled relationship with the idea of motherhood, i kinda still do, but when you annouced that you were pregnant it was the start of a change of vision for me making me see how trully beautiful beeing a mother can be. then iichliwp came out and what a piece of masterpiece that album is. within your whole discography every word you say seems to echo inside my chest following each beat. your lyrics been nailed in my bones since that first time i heard your voice in closer when i was 10. eventho i became a fan in 2018, those almost 6 years having you as a part of my life were lifechangimg. after my parents divorced i became closer to my dad because he would ask to listen to your songs with me in the car, last year he took me to your concert in sao paulo. Because of you im able now to see that motherhood doesnt have to be exaustimg and clonficted. because of you ive learned to not listen to shit about my gender, my sexuality and mostly about how i decide i want to be. Now, youre back realeasing the most vulnerable songs in your career and all i wanted more then ever was to give you the tightest hug. ive went to sleep hugging my pillow so many times wishing one day id be able to feel your arms around me to comfort me. But eventho my life is a mess now with the transition from adolence and adulthood with me becoming 18 this year, right now all i wanted was to give you a hug so i could confort you. i know i dont know you, but thats one of the prettiest parts, how youre able to make me the happiest girl in the world without even trading words with me. how youre able to get this part of me that no one else in the world can. ive liked other artists before, but as ive been growing up none of them stayed as strong as you do. when the end came out i skip school cause i couldnt stop crying. i was so scared of losing you. i cried the whole day and guess what? my dad was the first person to confort me, the same that who seemed to not care before you. im still so scared of losing you. Not just for me, but you have such a beautiful son, friends who love you and other fans who also care so deeply for you. ive cryied not only cause youre halsey, but also just as a person who has been through such a dificult battle all those years. we still know so little, but i cant express to you enough how deeply i care about you. im sorry if there were people who made you not belive in those words anymore, but for me i can asure you ill be here for your music, your art, your truth. youre so strong please know that there are milions of people out there who are proud of you. i cant even imagine how hard it must be not only to deal with health issues like this but also now publically. gosh i just wished i could do something.

My own fans are hands down meaner to me than any other people on the planet. Not speaking for all of you, of course. But it used to be just a minority that were awful to me and now it seems like a majority have only stuck around to chime in occasionally with their opinion of how much they hate me or how awful I am. it’s hard to want to engage in a space that is completely devoid of any kindness, sympathy, patience; or to be honest human decency. Especially after years of hiding from the interactions for fear that this EXACT thing would happen. I don’t know man. I almost lost my life. I am not gonna do anything that doesn’t make me happy anymore. I can’t spiritually afford it.

When I got sick all I could think about was getting better so I could come back and be a part of THIS again, but I don’t even know what *this* is anymore and I want to crawl in a hole and I regret coming back.

[aestheticvoyage2024]

Day 315: Sunday November 10, 2024 - "A Winding Road Somewhere"

Id asked for a late check out, looking forward to a lazy sleep-in Sunday with nothing to do... but at 6:30, I was awake, even without my wiggle work alarm clock next to me. I went to the hotel breakfast and thought maybe Id go back to sleep, but there I was laying in bed looking at maps, wondering where I might try to drive. I was excited to get going. The open road was calling, especially after I'd settled a plan. A truly Blue Highways inspired idea, where Heat Moon ran his River Horse, Id follow some new 2 lane track down the Washington side of the Columbia River. Of course this nice stretch of the Gorge was a special track that first led me into the PNW in 2010, but that was over yonder on the interstate with trucks and traffic. This would be nice, despite the haze, because Id have the road mostly to myself, (no doubt after a sign warned me that itd be 85 before the next services) maybe I'd catch a few really good road shots. By 930, I was checking out early and getting out on the road.

Its beatiful out here, where the Palouse meets the River. I followed my old yellow striped compadre for a couple of hours West, getting a small taste of that "Roll On" that I deserve but haven't quite earned. Just enough though, to finally reset the nerves and get ready for a busy week ahead. I turned North at Maryhill and the old Stonehenge Monument out here, and realized my parents at one point would have run this same road I was adding to my scribble map. I was glad to have found a new good landmark road up in this old home sector, where the routes are well travelled. I followed the road up to Yakima through the reservation and the hills where Fall had hung on, and ever creek bed was tailed with golden yellow trees. I realized I was getting the gift of some Fall Color, that I had thought I had missed. It never occurred to me that this work trip to Southern Washington would gift my northern soul in this way. I was really happy to close out my little ramble with so much pretty to look at and for the first time in the over ten hours of driving in this rental car, the radio family came on. I was reset. The best therapy Ive ever had was always found, out there on the open road; the road always provides. It did today, when I needed it most.

Song: Mgk & Jelly Roll - Lonely Road

Quote: Andrea Gibson - Royal Heart

You will never be let down by anyone more than you will be let down by the one you love most in the world it’s how gravity works it’s why they call it “falling” it’s why the truth is harder to tell every year you have more to lose but you can choose to bury your past in the garden by the tulips water it until it’s so alive it lets go and you belong to yourself again

When you belong to yourself again Remember forgiveness is not a tidy grave  It is a ready loyal knight kneeling before your royal heart

Call in your royal heart  Tell it bravery cannot be measured by a lack of fear  It takes guts to tremble  It takes so much tremble to love  Every first date is a fucking earthquake

Sweetheart, on our first date  I showed off all my therapy  I flaunted the couch Where I finally sweat out my history  I pulled out the photo album from the last time I wore a lie to the school dance  I smiled and said “that was never my style Look how fixed I am  Look how there’s no more drywall on my fist  Look at the stilts I’ve carved for my short temper  Look how my wrist is not something I have to hide” I said  Well I was hiding it

The telephone pole still down from the storm  By our third date I had fixed the line  I said listen I have a hard time  I mean I cry as often as most people pee and I don’t shut the door behind me I’ll be up in your face screaming “SEATTLE IS TOO RAINY SEATTLE IS TOO RAINY IM NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO LIVE HERE.” I sobbed on our fourth date

I can’t live here  In my body, I mean I can’t live in my body all the time it feels too much  So if I ever feel far away know I am not gone I am just underneath my grief Adjusting the dial on my radio faith so I can take this life with all of it’s love and all of it’s loss

See I already know that you are the place where I am finally going to sing without any static meaning I’m never gonna wait that extra twenty minutes to text you back and I’m never gonna play hard to get when I know your life has been hard enough already When we all know everyone’s life has been hard enough already

it’s hard to watch the game we make of love, like everyone’s playing checkers with their scars, saying checkmate whenever they get out without a broken heart.

Just to be clear I don’t want to get out without a broken heart. I intend to leave this life so shattered there better be a thousand separate heavens for all of my separate parts  And none of those parts are going to be wearing the romance from the overpriced vintage rack  That is to say I am not going to get a single speed bike if I can’t make it up the hill  I know exactly how many gears I’m going to need to love you well And none of them look hip at the coffee shop  They all have God saying “good job you’re finally not full of bullshit”  You finally met someone who’s going to flatten your knee caps into skipping stones

Baby, throw me  Throw me as far as I can go  I don’t want to leave this life without ever having come home  And I want to come home to you  I can figure out the rain

[musicarenagh]

Unveiling #LOFIDUKE: A Conversation with Chris Malloy" Today we in talks with Grammy-nominated producer Chris 'Big Duke' Malloy and  his debut solo instrumental EP, #LOFIDUKE Vol 1, the EP heralds a new chapter in his outstanding artistic journey. #LOFIDUKE Vol 1 is headlined by 'Original Eazy,' which inspired The Game's and Kanye West's hit song 'Eazy,' the EP takes listeners on a musical cruise where they will be exposed to Big Duke's immense talent. With a decade of experience in the music industry and more than 300 million streams, Big Duke is all set to reshape the frontiers of quality production. He was born and raised in Cleveland and now based in LA. From collaborating with icons like Kanye West to The Game, 21 Savage and Diddy, his resume speaks for itself. His work on Symba’s "Results Take Time" and The Game’s “Drillmatic” proves that he is not only a talented producer, but also a visionary. In this exclusive interview Big Duke sits with us and divulges the influences that shaped his music and the path led him to this point. Musician Big Duke begins his story in Cleveland, where he came from a humble background, and he shares with us his creative process, musical influences and goals. Listen to #LoFiDuke Vol.1 below https://open.spotify.com/album/4XbwePosfz747rxvhXFo14 Follow Big Duke on Facebook Twitter Spotify Youtube Instagram Tiktok What is your stage name? Big Duke Is there a story behind your stage name? The name Duke originates from my grandmother it’s actually a family name ‘ The Duke ‘ Where do you find inspiration? Everywhere the world is a stage for inspiration. It can be something as little as a song playing on a commercial or a string section playing from a movie. Literally anything can inspire or spark an idea What was the role of music in the early years of your life? Music was the soundtrack to everything that was going on. Family events , car rides to school , parties etc music was everything especially growing up in the 90’s lol Are you from a musical or artistic family? I come from a blue collar working middle class family. Others in my family have artistic abilities but often never pursued. The Midwest is ruff dreams are far and few but a good hourly job u can work til u retire that’s usually the goal smh. I took a different route. Far from the norm Who inspired you to be a part of the music industry? I wouldn’t say I was inspired to be in the industry being someone from ohio I never thought about it even being possible. Me and my friend just wanted the city to hear what we were doing. Somehow we managed to get the world to hear it. [caption id="attachment_54295" align="alignnone" width="1179"] Duke_x_Game[/caption] How did you learn to sing/write/to play? Early years I had choir in school. If it was any class that I payed attention in music definitely was the class. For some reason it just spoke to my soul. What was the first concert that you ever went to and who did you see perform? I’ve been to so many concerts in my lifetime it’s hard to remember the first lol but I can remember one of the first rap shows. It was “ Project Pat “ me and my friend and fellow artist ‘ Chip Tha Ripper ‘ waited stageside at a classic now closed cleveland venue “ The Metropolis “. He didn’t start performing til 1am we definitely weren’t old enuf to be in this place but we snuck in and boy was it worth every second. He performed all our favorite songs at the time that concert changed my life. How could you describe your music? Melodic , rhythmic , chest pounding drums…. I like music that instantly takes u somewhere other then where u are listening to it at. My music is a ride lol Describe your creative process. My creative process is different than most. It never really stops or starts its ongoing. I can wake up and it will be music on my mind that I have to get out. I can start chopping samples on my phone or saving them in notes while listening to music. I Literally can be creative anywhere

What is your main inspiration? My inspiration is the feeling of touching the world musically. Music heals all I’m a healer Music is my medicine and will heal the world. What musician do you admire most and why? Ye for blunt honesty Jay z for his hustle and infrastructure Pharrell for his attention to detail Timbaland for his brain and ideas Dr Dre for his genius Did your style evolve since the beginning of your career? Yeah I’m always evolving but keeping things I learned along the way Who do you see as your main competitor? The man in the mirror lmaooo Although cliche I thing I’m my biggest comp. I wake up everything trying to beat the day before https://open.spotify.com/artist/01JA0knUAk5XkZ4giWmCZH What are your interests outside of music? Cooking if I wasn’t a producer I would be a chef. I literally get the same feeling and it requires the same focus and attention to detail. If it wasn't a music career, what would you be doing? A chef , or instructor of some sort I love teaching and helping lol What is the biggest problem you have encountered in the journey of music? Lack of care for others. Sometimes it’s a dog eat dog world when it comes to business.

[27-royal-teas]

Ok i know that probably like, none of you listen to arrows in action but they just released their debut LP today so i decided to ramble about them a bit because they deserve it and if no ones gonna create fan content for them i will.

First of all theyre a florida formed pop punk band (in my opinion, it floats more to alternative/pop) and now apparently they are located in tennessee. There are four guys- victor viramontes,  the singer, jesse frimmel, the drummer, and matthew fowler, the guitarist. 

Im gonna talk about the song that got me into them. It’s called All The Ways I Could Die. during science class i mostly just listen to music because my teacher never gives us any useful information and that was the song that came up in my queue. obviously you dont care about this information but i feel as though it needed to be shared. Anyway, the song’s chorus goes like ‘i just can’t wait to go sit in my room/contemplate all the ways i could die/ self sabotage is an old friend of mine/ and self care just inst worth the time’. 

Pretty depressing, right? But the whole thing is that music, it’s a form of connection, and the thing about arrows in action songs is that they feel so personal. Like, they feel like something you can shout in the rain and out the back of a car, scream at the top of your lungs and feel every word, spin-in-the-summer, fall in the grass. Also, im not sure who’s the songwriter (80% sure that it’s victor) (it is, i just checked) but the lyrics are REALLY FUCKING GOOD. like, maybe not pete wentz good, but nobody’s pete wentz, and they are REALLY GOOD for their first LP. since i started listening to them, I havent found a single song i dislike. Like, they really are so good. 

AND!!! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR HOOKS!!! One thing thats very consistent in their music is the sound and also the hooks. Theyve got this clear, clean sound, and im honestly very surprised that they havent been signed to a label by now since they have such consistently good music (and since they’ve been making music since 2017). And every single hook is good. listen to ‘Entropy’ off the new album. It is CRUNCHY. It is CLEAN. Its what i call tasty, like running your tongue on the flat metal of a refrigerated kitchen knife (not that id ever do that, of course). Like, it feels sharp and cold but slightly jagged. i could talk about it for hours. Also the high note in Put You Through Me literally makes me ascend. 

Also, audience engagement. If you look through the comment sections of their music videos, most of the comments have been liked by the band. Ive sent them art i did for The Credits and Head In The Clouds and Checking in and they’ve replied. They communicate with their audience which really does hammer in the connection aspect- connection with the audience, connection with their art, connection with the music. also theyre just really nice dudes in general like. yeah theyre just cool

Another thing i think is kind of interesting is that their producer is dan swank! I fucking love dan swank! he worked with all time low (one of my favorites) for a really long time, and ive seen him on some of their acoustic music videos from 2021 (hes the guy playing piano and doing backup vocals with alex). Hes good!!! I didnt realize that he produced music, so this was a really cool thing to find out. Worlds collide

So, yeah. Arrows in action, man. They’re great, and you should check them out. They’re like all time low but toned down, but it wouldn’t work to compare them to another band because they’re this new, beautiful thing, and they are so good, and i am going to stop talking about them now. Anyway yes go listen immediately and STREAM BUILT TO LAST 

[creativeashproductions]

If I Stay Part One // Luke Patterson

Summary: A beautiful day Luke visits a record store to relive the times he would buy an album, but he finds more than memories. He meets you and a connection blossoms between you two and then Reggie and Alex as well. All is well until Julie discovers something.

Warning: Swearing, talk of death and car accident!

Words: 2.6k

A/N: This is based off the movie If I Stay and the movie Charlie St. Cloud. Sorry for not posting sooner, my sister in law along with my three nieces were in a car accident. Thankfully the kids are okay but my sister-in-law in currently in hospital due to minor injuries thus far.

TO BE TAGGED SEND AN INBOX PLEASE!

Masterlist

So, Julie’s life changed dramatically in the lost year and few months, firstly her family lost their mother. Secondly, Julie’s love for music faded until the melody and lyrics were haunting memories. Thirdly, after losing her place in the music program, she had to question her sanity. For in her garage lived three teenage ghosts to her disbelief and horror quite frankly; the ghosts grew on her so much she was in a band with them.

In the hours that Julie was attending school, the boys tended to tour the entire city. They enjoyed seeing the changes that had happened for the two and a half decades. Reggie really enjoyed the western-themed stores, even scaring a little girl with a floating cowboy hat that disappeared once on his head. Alex adored learning about the drastic changes within in the LGBTQ+ community, he had plans for when 2021 LA Pride came in June. Luke, of course, would go anywhere that had music such as music stores, record stores, concert venues and even followed a rock legend once.

“Ooh.” A voice spoke in the record store, “This would be the perfect gift.”

Luke turned to see you gazing at the Rock N’ Roll records with a passion in your eyes and an adorable smile that melted his heart. He couldn’t help but walk closer even if he had no clue if you could see him or not.

“Def Leppard? Definitely one of my favourite bands.” Luke spoke anticipating the usual one-sided conversation. His speculation shattered when you turned to face him with big eyes, “You can see me.”

You nodded your head, pushing your hands into your faded blue jeans glancing around the store, hoping the owner didn’t notice. To your relief the man was oblivious, Luke glanced over before stepping closer.

 “You’re alive?”

“Mhm.” You spoke, removing a single hand to play with your burgundy jacket that cinched at the waist to give form. It was open to reveal a plain black shirt that left an inch of your midsection free, “I always wondered if ghosts were real. I got my answer.”

“This is so cool! My friend is the only person that can see my friends and me.” The grin was breathtaking on the teenage ghost. There was a connection between the two that was immediate and intense.

“At least you’re not alone.” You supplied turning to pick up the record, turning it around to read the tracklist. In the end, you decided you didn’t feel like buying it, replacing it you started for the front door.

A college-aged person walked in glued to the screen of the phone not replying as you mentioned a thank you before the door closed. Luke rushed to follow your steady pace in black hiking boots.

“Where are you going?” Luke questioned coming to the same stride as the girl that had taken his attention quickly. His interest had grown when he found he could hold a conversation with her.

“It’s a nice day. I thought I would go for a walk.” You replied, stopping to look around the street with curious eyes. Luke yearned for those eyes to look in his again because he swore he saw a galaxy in them, “Would you like to join me?”

Luke’s head was nodding in response with a new pep in his step as you walked down the street filled with all different kind of stores. Luke recognized Family Living Grocery store as the one that the Molina got their groceries, he and the guys had joined Julie on a trip once. It was one of his worst memories as a ghost, surrounded by snacks and food he couldn’t indulge in.

“So, what’s your story, Caspar?” You questioned stopping to look as at a beautiful dollhouse, “My cousin had one. We actually renovated it a while back for her unborn niece.”

“Caspar?” Luke teased, watching the nostalgia faded from your expression as you continued on the walk. His hazel eyes, greener at the moment, glittered at the different banter he had with you than the guys or Julie.

“Well, I don’t know your name!” You exclaimed turning the corner at a parlour with gorgeous stencilled artwork on the glass.

“Luke. My name is Luke. Hey! I know this shop!” Luke beamed, stepping back to take in the storefront. In the twenty-five years since he last saw it, the blue faded into a teal, but the door was still the same as it always was.

“You have a tattoo?” You asked, scanning his arms bare in the cut off shirt he wore. You couldn’t see any ink on his skin. Luke couldn’t help the smirk on his face at the blatant heated gaze.

“No. It was 1994. We just played our biggest gig at the time, and Bobby decided we should get tattoos.” Luke’s mouth twisted at the mention of his former friend, “Of course we were sixteen and Alex just about fainted in the shop. The guy took one look at Reggie and laughed at our fake IDs. Told us to come back in a few years.”

One of the few memories that weren’t tainted by the betrayal that Trevor Wilson had gone on to do a year after the tattoo fiasco. It was more than not being credited or his songs being stolen, but it was also that someone he wholeheartedly trusted turned his back on them. Luke frankly didn’t care how Bobby coped after that fateful night. Still, he changed his name and refused any mention of his previous music experience. That hurt a lot.

“So, you’re a ’90s kid.” You raised an eyebrow coming to a stop on the edge of the street, pressing the button to cross.

“Technically a ’70s kid. We died in ’95 a few hours before a life-changing gig.” The mood turned sombre as Luke thought back on that one night that life decided to raise both middle fingers at his dreams, “Death by a hot dog.”

The snicker fell from your mouth before you do anything about it but sobered up quickly in the view of his painful admittance.

“So, you’re seventeen?” You asked crossing when the crosswalk light flickered on. Your attention focused on crossing while listening to the teenager.

“Forever seventeen but I would eighteen physically, but if I had survived I would be forty-three.” Luke mused shoving his hands into his staple black jeans with the chains and his constant accessory of a blue rabbit’s foot.

“Oh, damn. I’ve seventeen as well.” You replied dodging pedestrians before humming a to a song you had heard recently but where you did was unknown. You didn’t want to bump into anyone.

Luke glanced down at his watch, somehow even in death it worked, noticing that it was around the time rehearsal would commence. The thought barely ended before a flash of light preceded Alex’s presence. You slightly jumped in response.

“Luke! Julie’s wondering where you are. We have rehearsal.” Alex was surprised that Luke wasn’t already at the studio. He was always the first one holding his guitar for the rest of them.

One glance at the girl beside Luke cemented a reason for his tardiness. Alex could see that you were the reason and a pretty reason too. Alex wished he had your jacket with such a beautiful colour, but the music was more important.

“Oh, man!” Luke panicked fearing that being late would cause Julie to leave the band after the whole school dance fiasco.

“So, Luke. I like your name by the way. I’m Y/N.” You greeted holding back from offering you a hand, your theory would have been proven correct. Ghosts can’t touch other people, all the movies portrayed that.

“Nice to meet you! I’ll find you soon!” Luke shouted seconds before Alex poofed them both away with a single hand on his bandmate’s shoulder.

A content smile appeared before you continued on your way, unaware of the lack of acknowledgement from people on the street.

The next few days, Luke would find you either in the record store or just out front during his free time. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was touring the music entertainment spots until he had your company. Soon you were joined by Alex and Reggie every once in a while.

The three were planning outings with their new lifer friend as Julie grabbed her songbook from her room. She was amused when the three wouldn’t shut up.

“What are you planning?” Julie questioned scanning their animated expressions, even taking in the slight change in Alex’s appearance.

Alex had a braided bracelet of the rainbow on his left wrist that definitely hadn’t been there yesterday. He even seemed calmer and less anxious, as well.

“What happened to Alex?” Julie questioned with a small smirk, “Did you bump into Willie?”

Alex shook his head, “No, Luke met this girl at a record store and then Reggie and I met her. She’s cool! There’s this app she showed us, and it had videos of anything you could imagine!”

Julie’s teasing smile faltered at the mention of Luke meeting someone before it returned once more. She pushed the feeling away as this girl had brought peace to the drummer.

“What’s her name?” Julie asked, pushing the songbook away to listen intently to the new piece of the boys’ afterlife. The three burst into stories of the girl.

“She took me to this cool place nearby where people store their horses!” Reggie burst out, clapping his head, “I already have a country song started! This is so a hit single for our future country album!”

Alex only released an exasperated sigh at Reggie’s idea that he voiced every single day since the beginning of the band. Luke was just used to finding sheets of songs from Reggie around the studio and often his songbook too.

“She also brought me a bag of clothing she had in her house that she let me go through. Apparently, her house is the place where cousins take their old clothing.” Alex supplied striking a pose in his new white sweater with a rainbow logo on the front.

Julie grinned at the positivity radiating off the two boys.

“Is she a ghost?”

Luke shook his head, “No. She’s alive.”

A spark of happiness flits itself inside of Julie before it dissipated because Flynn had already gently let the girl down about Luke.

“What’s her name! I’m gonna find her Instagram!” Julie took out her phone waiting as Alex supplied her the name. Her thumbs froze before she could type staring down at the black screen.

The name was familiar.

Laying on a bed on San Pablo Street was a girl with her eyes closed and a serene expression. This bed wasn’t just any bed in a home. Instead, this bed was one no one wished to be in. A bed with machines surrounding and right in the middle of those machines was Y/N.

The very girl that had met Luke, Reggie and Alex were in fact in the ICU of a hospital recovering in a coma.

“Why do you look like that?” Luke demanded as the colour drained from the lead singer of their band.

“Are you sure it was Y/N Y/L/N?” Julie gulped dread filling her veins as each boy nodded their head and the girl slumped, “I go to school with her. The thing is she’s been in a coma for two weeks now.”

You were outside the record store once more as the three ghosts appeared in front of you each looking the worst you had ever seen them.

“Did you lie?” Luke questioned stepping closer to the teenage girl that furrowed her brows in confusion, “You said that you are alive. Why did you lie?”

“Lie?” You asked, taking a step back from the odd energy the boys had. A look of distraught on each face, “What are you talking about?”

“Why are you here every day at this exact time. Never late, never early.” Alex questioned sick to his stomach as your brows came together.

“I- walk…” You trailed off thinking of the last week in deep thought paling as you had no recollection of going home or getting to the store. It was like you blacked out each time.

Actually, the last time you remember not being with the guys or at the store was two weeks ago.

“I don’t re…member.” You whispered, “I haven’t seen my family since…oh my god.”

Luke stepped closer, terrified as he reached out, hoping with his entire being his hand would go through you. It didn’t. Luke’s hand rested on your arm, still wearing that burgundy jacket. Your eyes flickered between his solid hand and the same outfit you wore for weeks now. Why would you be wearing a jacket and hiking boots in Los Angeles?

“My cousin had been saving up for a trip for her eighteenth birthday. She wanted to go skiing, so we split the cost between our families.”

As if a wall broke, you realized with horror that the college boy that hadn’t held the for you like you first thought. He hadn’t seen or heard you because in his world you weren’t there. No one had acknowledged you because they couldn’t see you just like they couldn’t see Luke.

“What else do you remember?” Reggie spoke up next, noticing that Luke was getting more upset. His eyes going so light the green appeared to be blue and glittered with tears and his heart dropping.

“My parents, my cousin and I were driving up the mountain in the rented car. There-“

Two Weeks Ago

Your head leaned again Lou’s head sharing the headphones connected to your phone blasting the carefully curated playlist. Lou had been living with your parents and you the last six months as her parents were travelling for work. It was a dream because she was like a sister already and vice versa; Lou as a surprise baby with her older sister being ten years older.

“We haven’t been to the slopes since we first got married.” Dad said glancing over at your mother in the passenger seat, “Didn’t we conceive-“

“Dad! Gross!” You shouted, wrinkling your nose as he glanced in the rear-view mirror to smile at your antics. Your mother’s laugh was probably one of your most favourite sounds in the world, it was warm like hot chocolate on a cold day.

“Did you see that video of the hologram band?” Lou asked, not paying attention to your family’s antics, “It’s super cool.”

“We still have half of our playlist to go through. You should show me when we get to the cabin.” You replied, “We could put it on the projector with the others.”

The others being your extended family, including the surprise of Lou’s parents. Your mother pointed out the snow on the mountain gaining everyone’s attention. It was beautiful compared to sunny Los Angeles.

Lou’s thumb was just about to click the video of Julie and the Phantoms against your wishes. You felt the fear before the yell, snapping your head up you watched as a pickup truck hit ice swerving into your lane. The screech of tires preceded the crunch of the vehicles hitting each other. Throughout the surrounding area, the echoes of the crash bounced off the mountains scaring birds away. Miraculously Lou’s phone survived the crash and played the electric video of ‘Edge of Great’ by Julie and the Phantoms. A song you would hum under your breath during your walks meeting the guys.

The snow turned red under four of five bodies. You lay nonconscious a stark difference in the burgundy jacket and black shirt you had painstakingly chosen that morning.

If I Stay Part Two (Final)

Tag List (PLEASE SEND AN INBOX TO BE ADDED!)

@safehavenmuse @siennanoelle01 @whiterose291 @mell-bell @blackhood5sos @ficrecsideblog @ifilwtmfc @deadpoolgirl23 @crappy-unicorn @sunsetcurve-h@elioelioeli0 @lovesanimals @popcrone818 @lolychu @deepsleepnat @tenaciousperfectionunknown @aunicornmademedoit @just-a-writer-here @simp4reggie @parkeret @faithiebrock01 @overlyhypedup @differentsoulrascalsalad @aesthetic-lyss @versaceapa​ @carleywhittaker​ @lostgirl219​ @itsalexx21​ @elllaoo4 @merxxleighann​ @mediocremunge @fantomlovesjuke4ever @dpaccione​

[jonahlovescoffee]

Night Changes | J.M.

a/n this fanfic is inspired by one direction’s hit song with the same title. u can also listen to jonah’s cover of the same song here.This is the first complete fanfic I’ve ever written in my entire pathetic life and it has been rotting away in my files app for a while now lol u can see how insecure i was (and am) to put this out here but here it is anyways :’) any constructive criticism is appreciated <3 happy reading!!

summary: the death of his friend’s girlfriend made Jonah realize that nothing in life is permanent, including you.

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 2136

“We're only getting older, baby; And I've been thinking about it lately; Does it ever drive you crazy; Just how fast the night changes?”

It was yet another ordinary weekend night where Jonah and his band were gathered in the little studio of Daniel’s home, busy composing new music for their upcoming album without a care in the world when Corbyn’s phone rang all of a sudden.

Corbyn’s eyebrows raised in surprise when he saw the caller ID on the screen before sliding the answer button to the right and excusing himself from the small room to take the call. No one thought much about it and proceeded with their songwriting process. However, when half an hour passed with Corbyn’s absence, that was when Jonah’s gut feeling told him that something wasn’t right. He brushed that thought off as quick as it entered his mind, trying his best to ignore the fact that he caught a glimpse of the caller ID and it was his girlfriend’s mother calling him, which was undeniably weird. As his roommate and best friend, Jonah could confirm that she had never called Corbyn unless there was an emergency. Heck, the last time she called him was when her car broke down somewhere in downtown LA and Corbyn was the only one she knew who lived close enough to pick her up.

His suspicion was soon proven right when Corbyn barged into the room seconds later with tears running down his cheeks nonstop like a river. Daniel, who was seated the closest to the door jumped up in shock just as Corbyn fell into his arms and started sobbing. The other boys made their ways to them as Daniel patted Corbyn’s back in attempt to calm him down.

“What’s wrong?” Zach asked curiously and Jack elbowed him on the arm. “Ow, what was that for?” Zach exclaimed, earning a glare from the other male that clearly said, “Can’t you wait until he stops crying to pry for answers?”

“She killed herself,” Corbyn managed to say between sobs.

“Who?” Daniel asked softly.

“My girlfriend,” the 4 boys’ breaths hitched in utter shock. None of them were expecting this news in forever. Madeline was the most cheerful and optimistic girl Jonah had ever met. She brought sunlight and joy into every room she entered. Were those traits of hers merely a mask to hide all the despair and anxiety underneath? It didn’t make any sense whatsoever.

“My sweetheart killed herself,” Corbyn repeated, mostly to himself with a hint of disbelief in his tone. It was evident that he was still having a hard time letting the fact sink in. “We just went out for dinner last night and now she’s gone. Forever. She didn’t even say goodbye. What should I do? How can I live without her?”

“She should’ve said something. I could’ve done so much to help her instead of letting her die just like that. I saw the scars on her hand last night but I assumed it was nothing serious. It’s my fault. I could’ve stepped in and save her but I didn’t. Why? Why?!” Corbyn screamed and tugged at his hair frustratedly.

Silence ensued, the only sound being Corbyn’s uncontrollable sobs. No one said anything because they knew that no words were powerful enough to comfort him for the time being. The most they could do was be there for him.

#

Jonah pulled up in your driveway in the middle of the night. He left his house right away after ensuring that Corbyn was sound asleep in his room in fear of his best friend trying anything stupid under the influence of tremendous grief. He knew that you were probably asleep at this hour and he should’ve waited until the morning to pay you a visit but he couldn’t wait any longer. Madeline’s death had made him realise that nothing in life lasts forever and he wanted—no, needed—to be by your side tonight to make up for the past few days of neglecting you because of work.

After some debating in his head whether to wake you up from your deep slumber like an ignorant boyfriend or just turn around and go home, he turned off the engine and rushed out of his car and onto your doorstep before he could change his mind. He used the same key you gave him months ago to unlock the front door and was then greeted by a silent pitch black, empty living room. He locked the door with a soft click behind him before tiptoeing up the stairs and entering your room. He made sure to keep his movements as silent as possible as he knew better than anyone that you were a terribly light sleeper and could be awoken easily by the softest sounds. He took off his shoes and joined you on the king-sized bed, wrapping his arms around your sleeping figure gently to pull you closer to him. He contentedly nuzzled your hair, inhaling the sweet scent of your shampoo that smelled like cherry blossoms and spring air. It was only then he felt truly at ease, with you perfectly safe and sound in his arms.

As he half expected, you stirred from your sleep, wiggling your body slightly before turning towards him, your arms habitually made their way around his neck even in your half-awake state. You couldnt help but smile when you felt him tightening his arms around you like he was holding onto you for dear life. “Hey, love,” you mumbled groggily, staring up at him with droopy eyelids in your pyjamas that had bunny patterns all over them that you were more than embarrassed to be seen in by anyone but you could care less since Jonah had been your boyfriend long enough to know about your preference for childish pyjamas over mature flimsy nightgowns. “What brings you here?”

“Just wanna see you,” he replied with a smile. He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear and took a moment to drink in your beauty—the crinkle by your eyes when you smile, you supple lips and the freckles on your cheeks that were illuminated by the soft moonlight that shone through the windows—all ordinary features of yours that you had never been particularly fond of but were all made perfect in his eyes. He was lucky to have the chance of calling you his, but Madeline’s unexpected death that night made him wonder how long this could last? Without realising, he let his mind drift further into the sea of uncertainties of the future, getting more anxious by the second, especially when he was met with the thought of ever losing you one day.

“Jo, are you okay?” You asked worriedly when you noticed his tense expression. He offered you a meek smile in return. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” he replied, but his furrowed brows claimed otherwise.

“You’re not fooling anyone with that face, dear. What’s wrong?” You watched him stay silent for a while as if he was trying to come up with a suitable answer to your question.

”I just...can I stay over tonight with you?” He asked and you let out a hum in agreement, your hands rubbing soothing patterns down his back. Even after all this time, he still hadn’t managed to get rid of the old habit of asking for your permission to spend the night at your place although he knew that you would agree without hesitation every single time he did so. You wanted nothing more than to find out what was going on in his head at that moment but he didn’t look like he was in the mood to talk, so you pushed your questions aside for later.

Both of you stayed like that for who knew how long, unmoving, limbs tangled with each other’s as the cool night breeze wafted into the room through the opened windows. “Madeline died,” he said out of the blue, breaking the silence. Shock was an understatement to what you felt. You couldn’t believe your ears. You weren’t exactly best friends with Madeline but still close enough to hang out together occasionally when both of you were free from your hectic schedules, mainly because Jonah and her used to have a thing for each other back in high school before she got with Corbyn so there had always been a tinge of awkwardness between you two. Yet this news hit you hard all the same.

Tears welled up in your eyes before you knew it. “When?”

“Few hours ago,” Jonah answered, his hand stroking your hair with the utmost gentleness, which prompted your tears to resume falling. He let you cry it all out without a single complaint about your tears staining his shirt. “She took her own life.”

“Why?” You sniffled and he shook his head. “No one knows; I guess even the most optimistic person on earth has her invisible demons too,” he said with a sigh.

“Is that the reason why you came here tonight?” You wiped your tears away with the long sleeves of your shirt as you took several deep breaths to recompose yourself, bracing yourself for his answer. Old feelings die hard, that was what you always hear people said, especially your first love. Part of you were scared that Jonah still harboured feelings for her even after all this years and you were nothing but an emotional support rebound tonight.

“Yes and no. I came here after hearing about the news, yes, but I’m not here to mourn about her, for now,” he added the last two words hastily in case you get the wrong idea and thought that he was being rude. You were ashamed for feeling extremely relieved that his answer wasn’t what you expected. “I came here to make up for the past few days of absence and make sure that you’re alright. Have you ever, you know, done that?”

It took you few seconds to get what he meant. “Of course not, Jo. I promise you, I never tried self-harm before, and I never will,” you replied truthfully.

“Thank god,” he sighed with relief and planted a tender kiss on your forehead, “I don’t know what I’d do if you said yes.”

“You know that you’ll be the first one I talk to if I have anything bothering me, right?” You took his hand in yours while staring at him expectantly for an answer but none came. “Jonah, please don’t tell me that you seriously think that I’m someone who resorts to harming myself when the going gets tough?”

“I...I don’t know,” he admitted sheepishly which earned a sigh from you, a small smile tugging at your lips. You still couldn’t believe how this man in front of you—a confident rising boyband star—could get so worked up over a plain girl like you. He swallowed thickly before continuing, “Today made me question everything I know like how long this relationship can last—how long we’ll get to stay us until the world decides to tear us apart. We always said we’ll be together until the end of times but so did Corbyn and Madeline and look at them now. Madeline just....left without a word to anyone. I know it’s stupid but I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you and now I’m being such a sap and you probably are disgusted —”

“Jonah, stop. You’re over-thinking everything. I’m not disgusted at you, not even one bit,” you raised a hand to his cheek and traced a thumb over it tenderly, knowing that this simple gesture never failed to soothe his raging emotions. “It’s normal to feel this way, love. But whenever you do, please remember this: there’s nothing to be afraid of because I love you so much, Jonah Marais Roth Frantzich, that I can never ever think of hurting myself because I know that that’ll hurt you; I love you so much that I started crying a little less, smiling a little more because I know that no matter how hard my day is, I’ll always have you to come home to.”

You watched as a tear escaped from him. “I don’t know what the future holds but I can promise you this,” you locked your eyes with his, your gaze filled with the utmost love and adoration in contrast with his worried one. “No matter how fast the night changes, it’ll never change me and you.”

“You promise?” His lips curled upwards into a small smile as he leaned in, leaving only an inch between your lips, your breaths mingling with each other’s. As always, butterflies erupted in your stomach at the close proximity as you mirrored his expression with a sweet smile of your own.

“Forever and always,” you breathed and he closed the distance between your lips, sealing the promise.

[12yeahiminluvwu]

Bad Enough For You

pairing - pop-punk!jj x pop punk!reader

summary- JJ wants you all to himself, and he’ll do anything he has to to make that happen, even if it means reverting to his old ways. 

word count- 2,265

warning(s)- swearing, mentions of alcohol, mentions of drugs, 

----------------------

From the wings, JJ watched as the girl he had shamelessly obsessed over for months sang her lungs out and jumped around the stage like she owned the place. He could tell that this was her element. The stage was where she belonged. From where he stood, he could see her chest moving up and down as she fought hard to breathe but you wouldn’t know by the way she hit every note like it was second nature to her. He watched the way she got down on her knees, reaching out for the crowd and singing right to them. She was fucking good at this. It was no question why they were the most popular band in the little college town. 

Y/n was somewhat of a mystery to JJ, even after all this time. He couldn’t figure her out, no matter how hard he tried. He watched countless guys come and go, none of them fitting her standards- of which he had no clue what they were. 

He was always nice to her- which was his first mistake. Y/n wasn’t into the nice guy type. Unbeknownst to JJ, she liked her boy, and girls, as bad as they come. Her last boyfriend was a drug dealer from the southside of town who looked like he definitely had killed someone before. She never bothered to ask though, it was just better that way. His second mistake was trying to get her attention. She didn’t give it to anyone she knew wanted it, except for fans on stage. So there JJ was, shit out of luck. It wasn’t until one night after a hopeless encounter that he decided he’d start trying to be someone she would pay attention to. That had been a few weeks ago now. JJ knew how to be an asshole. He’d done it most of his teenage years back home on the island. 

As the band was coming off stage, Y/n waited for the typical “Hey good job out there!” from JJ, but all she got was a cold shoulder. He didn’t even acknowledge her, even if all he wanted to do was spin her around and tell her how amazing she’d been. He had to be the bad guy now, because that’s the only way he’d get to her. She brushed it off quickly and made her way back to the green room, whereas JJ and his boys made their way onto the stage. 

--------

“Anyone know The Band CAMINO?” JJ asked and the crowd erupted in loud chants and screams. The tune to See Through filled the bar and the crowd got even louder. She didn’t know it, but Y/n was the inspiration for the band singing this song tonight. 

Now it was Y/n’s turn to watch from the wings. She kept her gaze on the blond bassist, silently wishing he would stop trying so hard to get at her. 

The air in the bar was damp and smelled like sweat and cheap beer. It was packed wall to wall, for sure violating some type of fire code, but who really cared anyway. The only sound you could hear from here all the way down the block was the live music being played. Lights shined on the boys, illuminating every inch of their skin, making them look like absolute gods. JJ, as usual, had ended up taking his shirt off a few songs into the set, making everyone in the crowd go crazy. Y/n had to admit, the boy knows how to work an audience. He knows exactly what to do to drive them crazy, and if he wasn’t such a kiss ass off stage, she might give him a chance. She just wasn’t into the kind of guys who would drop everything and come running. She liked the chase. She liked feeling like she had to earn the attention of someone, she didn’t like when it came easy. 

“Rebound feeling like a rerun, everything that we've done, funny how it all played out.

You're good at looking at me like I'm see-through but I gotta see you, I shoulda learned by now.” The vein in JJ’s neck was straining as he poured his heart into the song. In that moment, with the crowd roaring and the sweat dripping down his face, he felt like he was flying. He felt invincible, and for a moment- he forgot about Y/n. But only for a moment, because as soon as the next verse fell out of his mouth, her image came flooding back into his mind like a tidal wave. 

“How do I get your attention? How does it feel to always have mine? How do I address this tension? How you're looking through me every time? Got me out here, got me thinking what I would do, got me in my head, got me wishing I was with you. God, I'm wishing I was with you.” Quickly, JJ glanced over to where you stood and before you could notice, his eyes shifted back to the crowd in front of him. 

------------------------

Post gig was always JJ’s favorite time because he got to hang out with his boys and revel in the high that was performing live. The air was still thick from the events tonight but the boys didn’t care. The afterparty had moved from the bar to the band’s shared apartment and Y/n’s band was here too. JJ did his best to keep his gaze off of her, but her smile lit up the whole room, and he couldn’t ignore the way he felt when she was around. But he knew that if he showed any of that at all, it would send her running for the hills. 

There she was, standing with a drink in her hand, laughing with the lead singer of his band and driving him crazy. He tried to focus on the music playing and the conversation he was having about how good Ashton Irwin’s solo music was, and how his album is going to be a huge hit, but he found himself drifting back to her every time. Excusing himself, he walked into the kitchen to make himself a stronger drink. He stopped cold when he saw who was standing at the counter, back facing him. Shaking his head, and ignoring the hitch in his throat, he brushed past her, reaching around the counter to find what he was looking for. 

“You’ve been pretty quiet lately Maybank… any particular reason?” The girl asked from beside him. He looked over at you quickly, simply shrugging his shoulders. That was all he gave you, hoping it would be enough to keep your attention a little longer without looking too interested. You gave him a once over before continuing on with your night. 

JJ had left you wanting more, believe it or not. You suddenly wanted to know why he detached himself from you. Was he losing interest in you? Or using reverse psychology to get your attention. Either way, it made your mind race. The more he drew away, the closer you wanted to get. This was the chase you wanted. 

By the end of the night, you were drunk off your ass and had somewhat attached yourself to JJ. He paid you no mind other than keeping you from falling over every once and awhile. 

“Do you need a ride home?” He asked as people started to clear out and head home. He hadn’t ended up drinking as much as he thought he would, and was completely sober. 

“Probably…” You giggled and laid your head on his shoulder, wrapping your arms around his middle, attempting to pull him closer to you. On the inside, he was freaking out. His heart was permanently beating at a million miles an hour, his palms sweating and breath caught in his throat, but to anyone looking your way, he looked cool as a cucumber. No one would be able to tell that he was freaked out by the girl of his dreams hanging off him like they were in love. 

JJ looked around and saw that your whole band had left and that you two were the only ones left in the living room. 

“We should get you back home…” He trailed off, walking the two of you over to the couch and sitting you down so he could grab your things before helping you back up and out to his car. He reached across to belt you in and gently shut the door. Starting the car, the quiet hum of Bad Enough For You by All Time Low filled in the silence between the two of you. 

“You know…” Y/n started to say and JJ glanced over at her before returning his gaze to the road. After looking at her ID for her address, he made his way through the streets. 

“I actually think you’re really attractive, but you made it wayyy too obvious that you had a thing for me so I pushed you away… because it scares me when people show an interest in me… be-because usually people just leave in the end anyway…” 

JJ was quiet for a moment. Had you just admitted that you liked him? 

“Why, don’t we talk about this tomorrow when you’re sober?” He asked, parking his car in front of her apartment. Coming around the side of the car, he helped her up out of the seat and walked her to the door, grabbing her keys from her to open the door. 

“Will you stay?” She slurred and he hesitated. 

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea Y/n…” 

“Please? We don’t have to do anything, I just don’t want to be alone when I wake up…” The look on her face was enough to make him do anything she asked him to. His heart melted and he nodded, walking behind her, hands intertwined, to her bedroom. She shimmied out of her skinny jeans and took her bra off under the baggy band tee-shirt that had been tucked into the pants, plopping down on the queen mattress. JJ kicked off his docs and shimmied out of the jeans he’d been wearing before climbing into bed next to her. She tucked herself right into his chest like it was her own little spot and was out in seconds. JJ, on the other hand, took a little longer to fall asleep. He started down at you, your cheek pressed up against his chest, hair all over the place. He’d never seen you look this peaceful, not even on stage. Slowly, he brought his hand up to brush the stray hairs out of your face.  He just couldn’t get his mind to shut off. But eventually, his eyelids fell heavily closed and sleep took over him. 

--------------------------

When morning came, you had trouble remembering where you were, and who you were with… Looking up at the person you were laying a slight rush of releifewashed over you, but then you started to worry about what happened last night and lifted the blanket in hopes that your clothes, and his, were still intact. Thank fuck, they were. 

You felt JJ take a deep breath and closed your eyes, pretending to be asleep still, doing your best to ignore the pounding headache that resided at the base of your neck. You could tell JJ had a mini freakout, similar to yours, when he opened his eyes. But then his memories of last night came back. Yours came back in pieces, while his came back in a rushing wave. You remembered suddenly wanting all of his attention and doing your best to get it, until your bandmate kept handing you vodka sodas and before you knew it you were hanging all over him the rest of the night. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, you somehow got him to stay the night with you. And now here you were, tangled in your bedsheets. 

Slowly, you looked up at him, trying to gage the situation. He looked down at you, the smallest hint of a smile ghosting across his lips. You found yourself staring at them. The feeling of his fingers trailing up your arm sent shivers down your spine, and heat rushed to your cheeks. 

“Uh, hi…” You trailed off, absentmindedly tracing shapes along his abs, sometime last night his shirt had come off, leaving him in his boxers. 

“Hey.” He smiled. His voice was deep and scratchy due to the lack of use overnight, his nerves didn’t help any. 

“Coffee?” You asked after a pause and he chuckled lightly, nodding his head. You nodded back at him before pushing yourself out of bed and making your way to the kitchen. JJ wasn’t too far behind you, taking a seat on the other side of the island. 

“So… last night was interesting…” He began, trying to get the conversation flowing. 

“Yeah, uh. I was pretty fucking drunk so. I don’t really remember anything I said…” You admitted from where you stood at your keurig. 

“Well, to sum it up, you told me to stop being such a try hard and you think I’m hot.”

“That sounds like something I would say, yeah.” The two laughed and another moment of silence fell on them. 

“Well, I would be down to go out if you are…?” She said and JJ did his best to contain his excitement. 

“Yeah, that’d be cool.” He said and she smiled, realizing she’d been right about him just faking the hard ass act to get her to like him.

[sinceileftyoublog]

Indigo De Souza Interview: Compassion for Different Modalities

Photo by Charlie Boss

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Calling from her home near Asheville, North Carolina earlier this month, singer-songwriter Indigo De Souza is getting ready to go on tour behind her terrific sophomore album Any Shape You Take (Saddle Creek). Like everyone, she’s anxious about navigating the current COVID-19 landscape, but how she and her band adapt to a live performance and play the multi-dimensional songs that make up the record seems to be of little concern. I guess if I was as talented as De Souza, I wouldn’t be worried, either. Released last month, Any Shape You Take is a stunning series of ruminations on love and relationships, platonic and romantic, that span a number of years in De Souza’s life. Raised in a conservative small town in North Carolina by a mom who was an artist, De Souza doesn’t shy away from the fact that her family did not fit in. At the encouragement of her mother, she leaned into her artistic visions, making music as early as 9 years old, releasing her first EP in 2016.

After self-releasing her (very appropriately titled) first album I Love My Mom in 2018, De Souza signed to indie stalwarts Saddle Creek, who rereleased her debut and supplied her with the means to craft a much larger-sounding follow-up. Working with prolific secret weapon co-producer Brad Cook, her first proper label release occupies an incredible amount of genre territory. “This is the way I’m going to bend,” announces De Souza on auto-tuned synth pop opener “17″ before, well, bending in a number of different directions. “Darker Than Death” and “Die/Cry”, nervous songs that were written years ago, sport fitting build-ups, the former’s slow hi hats and cymbals giving way to jolts of guitar noise, the latter’s jangly rock taking a back seat to yelped harmonies. Songs like “Pretty Pictures” and “Hold U” reenter the dance world, the latter an especially catchy neo soul and funk highlight, a simple earworm of a love song. In the end, whether playing scraped, slow-burning guitar or rubbery keyboard, De Souza’s thoughtful and honest meditations center the emotionally charged album, one of the very best of the year.

De Souza takes her live show to the Beat Kitchen tonight and tomorrow night (both sold out) with Dan Wriggins of Friendship opening. Read our interview with De Souza about the making of Any Shape You Take and her songwriting process.

Since I Left You: On Any Shape You Take, there seems to be a good mix of folks you’ve worked with before and folks you’re working with for the first time. What did each group bring to the table?

Indigo De Souza: Brad Cook was co-producing. It was my first time working with a producer on something. That was crazy. He was very supportive of everything and very encouraging. It was nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of who wanted to encourage my vision. I also worked with Alex [Farrar] and Adam [McDaniel] from drop of sun studios in Asheville. They’re both just so sweet and talented. They were engineering but also helped with production as well. I ended up getting really close with Alex, and me and Alex finished out the album together doing vocal overdubs and random overdubs. It feels like he did a lot of production on the album and was a star for me in the process. They were all great to work with. It was interesting to me to have so many people working on the album.

What I realized after the fact, [though], was that it was kind of distracting for me to have so many brains working on it. It taught me I actually feel very confidently about my vision for songs, and I can trust myself to have ideas for my own songs. I think I was scared going in that I was going to come up blank in that scenario because it was such a high-pressure thing, getting on a label and making a high-production album. But I definitely thrived in the space. It was really fun.

SILY: It shows in the finished product. There are so many different styles and subgenres within the record. Do you listen to all the types of music that show up on this record?

IDS: Yeah, for sure. Mostly, I listen to pop music and dance music. That’s probably my most daily genre. I don’t listen to a lot of music daily, though. I listen to music probably a couple times a week when I’m in the car, but it’s so random, and the genres I listen to are pretty random. It depends on my mood. I think when I’m writing, it’s the same way, whether I’m writing a poppier or rock-based song. They’re different moods for me.

SILY: How do you generally approach juxtaposing lyrics with instrumentation?

IDS: With writing, it’s different every time the way they fall into place together. I do notice that one of the more common ways it happens is I’ll be going about my day and hear a melody in my head and start humming it and realize I’m making it up, that I have no record of it before. I’ll start attaching feeling to the melody, depending on what I’m feeling, and at first I’ll be singing gibberish with the melody, but I’ll usually get some headphones on and plug into the computer so I can sing into a microphone. I’ll mess around with the melody and sing random words until something true to me kind of sticks. That’s usually how it goes. Sometimes, I [do] sit down and it comes out in one breath, like the song is already written in my mind.

Honestly, it’s so normalized how songwriting is. It’s such a strange, magical thing that people can write songs that have never been written before. [laughs]

SILY: Thematically, there are a lot of songs on Any Shape You Take where you’re feeling doubts about a relationship, like on “Darker Than Death”. Someone’s feeling bad, and you’re wondering whether it’s you making them feel bad. And on “Die, Cry”, you sing, “I’d rather die than see you cry.” On the other hand, there are some songs like “Pretty Pictures” where you know your place more within the relationship, and you know what’s eventually gonna happen to it. How do you balance those feelings of doubt with knowing what’s gonna happen?

IDS: It’s funny, because the first two songs you mention were written a very long time ago when I was in the only very long-term relationship I’ve ever been in. I was very confused in that time and was having a hard time in general with my mental health. “Pretty Pictures” is the newest song on the album, a last minute addition because another song we had on there didn’t really fit. We looked through my demos folder and chose “Pretty Pictures”, the most recent song I had written at the time, and recorded it for the album. They’re totally different times in my life, and how you said it is definitely how I was. There’s a time I was more confused, and now, love is more simple in my life, and I can process things and see how they are, have compassion for different modalities.

SILY: I love the line on “Way Out”, “There are no monsters underneath your bed, and I’ll never be the only thing you love.” It’s a very logical statement in the face of unbridled emotion that can make you think illogically. Is that contrast something you think shows up throughout the record?

IDS: Within love, over time, I’ve realized that there’s not one person for anybody. There’s a lot of fluidity in the ways people can feel towards other people. That line is definitely a nod to allowing people to love many other people and not taking it personally.

SILY: From a singing perspective, you have a lot of different vocal stylings on the record. I found it interesting you led it off with a track where you’re super auto-tuned. Can you tell me about that decision?

IDS: “17” originally was this demo I made in 2016 or 2017. It was a very old demo. In 2018 or so, I brought the demo to my band at the time, and we created a live version of that song that was nothing like the recording that you hear. The recording was so weird and had a lot of auto-tune and higher-pitched and lower-pitched vocals. We had a live version we played for a while that’s on Audiotree. Whenever we were recording Any Shape You Take, we started to record it the live way and realized it wasn’t feeling right. We listened to the old demo, and it gave this wake up kick to everyone. We got excited by how the demo sounded because we hadn’t heard it in so long. We realized we wanted to record it based on the demo. So that song sounds very similar to the way the demo originally sounded.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album title?

IDS: There are so many layers to the album title. [laughs] It came to me mostly because the album takes so many musical shapes but also so many emotional shapes. It feels like a lot of the themes in the album are about change and acceptance of change and acceptance of a full spectrum of feelings of pain and grief and allowing people to take many forms. It was mainly inspired by the fact that I’ve taken so many forms in my life and am witness to the way changing forms yourself can either push people away or pull them in closer. I’ve always been so appreciative of the people in my life who allow me to take so many different forms and are still there to witness and care about me, whether we’re close to each other or far away. That’s the main reason I wanted to call the album Any Shape You Take. The most beautiful kind of love you can have is allowing someone to be themselves and shift in and out of things freely.

SILY: Is your live show faithful to the studio versions of the songs, or did you have to learn how to adapt the songs to the stage?

IDS: A lot of them sound very similar to the recording. We’ve been having so much fun practicing them and playing them live.

SILY: Is there one in particular you’re most looking forward to playing?

IDS: I love playing “Bad Dream”. That’s just a crazy song to play live because it’s so loud and rowdy. [laughs]

SILY: You have that falsetto in the middle of it, too.

IDS: Yeah. It’s so fun.

SILY: Anything you’ve been listening to, reading, or watching lately that’s caught your attention?

IDS: I’m excited that one of my favorite authors, Tao Lin, just put out a book I haven’t been able to get fully into. It’s called Leave Society. I just got it in the mail last week. Other than that, I’ve just been so, so busy with interviews and work on the computer and with my manager, staying on top of this crazy shift happening on top of my life. I haven’t taken in a lot of media. I was just watching Love Island recently because I wanted to shut my brain down. Somebody was telling me about Sexy Beasts last night, which sounds insane. I’m excited to watch that.

[clumsyclifford]

just finished writing this and realized how long it got oh jeez i am so sorry. i promise it is just me rambling about nothing and does not require a lot of thought.

i made a playlist of r5's entire discography and am listening to it (in order) because there is something wrong with me. if only it had their very first ever ep on it (ready set rock ep you may have been slight garbage but i don't love you any less for it). oh god i realized i fucked up and didn't add the songs by "ross lynch and r5" from the austin & ally soundtrack. i'm already three songs into louder and they would have been between louder and say you'll stay. what do i have to do is actually one of r5's best songs and i'm pretty sure i remember ross calling it one of his favs fairly recently?? which was so valid of him. anyways. this is now an r5 song ranking. i'm bored and avoiding doing assignments. i'm going to name my top 10 r5 songs off the top of my head. source: me trying to remember every song they've ever released.

no. 1: easy love. nothing comes close. my fav song they ever made. they haven't made anything that even compares since (this is /hj. tde has some valid songs).

no. 2: wishing i was 23. what do you mean i only love this song because of my nostalgia bias no i don't.

no. 3: what do i have to do? i will not elaborate i do not know why i adore this song as much as i do it's just a cute song.

no. 4: repeating days. THE END. THE FUCKING END AFTER THE SONG ENDS THE "all i've got is cheap wine" PART ross sounds so vulnerable and him with just the guitar makes me so :(((((( it's so gorgeous that part makes the whole song and that makes it top 3 for me.

no. 5: i want u bad. THAT SONG FUCKS LIVE. I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE IT LIVE AGAIN. (speaking of concerts i can't believe you bought concert tix and fucking forgot??? that is actually so fucking funny bella it made me laugh i will not lie)

no. 6: dark side. so so valid of them. it just fucks. it's so good. it makes u want to dance. u named a fic after a lyric from it which was so valid.

no. 7: did you have your fun? i love this song. no i will not elaborate. it is a sexy song. what's that one lyric from it that's hot. "love me, leave me, left me numb" some lyrics you love for no particular reason and for me that's one of those lyrics.

no. 8: f.e.e.l.g.o.o.d. this has alwayysss been one of my favs by them. since it dropped. some lore about it: the like crowd yelling that's in it they recorded live at a festival they played and i remember there being hype about this being an unreleased song when they had the crowd chanting "f-e-e-l-g-o-o-d" with no explanation. also another fun fact is that the final version of this is just a demo?? source: my slightly faulty memory remembering ross saying something about some demos being so good that you keep them as they are and it later being revealed this was the song he was talking about.

no. 9: i know you got away. sexy song. they released a vocals only version of it (that has apparently since been deleted?? i went to look for it on youtube and couldn't find it?? wtf r5) that has stuck with me ever since.

no. 10: loud. but more specifically the acoustic or live version. this was their encore song that they played to end every show. i MISS IT. it holds a special place in my heart.

honorable mentions: hurts good (a good song and THEIR LAST THEY EVER RELEASED VV SAD), wild hearts (fun fact almost picked a lyric from this song as my senior quote till i found out they didn't write this song), fallin' for you (YOU LIKE MISMATCHED SOCKS WITH POLKA DOTS YOU LIKE YOUR PIZZA COLD I THINK THATS HOT i never saw this song live and i'm still fucking pissed about it ok), do it again (it's such a sweet song :(((( "listen to the airplanes as we count the stars" gives me the same vibes as six feet under the stars), things are looking up (generally just a cute song!! this whole ep is just very good and very cute!! when i saw it live one time during the bridge ross was like "everyone shut up this is my favorite part >:(" and that was so valid of him) i can't say i'm in love (it's just a fun song!! it was a bonus track on sln from another country), trading time (this is the only song from the new addictions ep that i listed and u know what i'm Not sorry)

ok. i will spare you and stop rambling. other honorable mentions: if you have never listened to cool girl (feat. the driver era) by new beat fund i highly recommend. it's an okay song but it was one of the first songs released after they rebranded as tde and includes ross saying motherfucker with his whole chest. i will never again feel what i felt the first time i heard that song having listened exclusively to them as r5 whose songs they couldn't curse in because they were on a disney label.

in conclusion. i miss r5. ross saying fuck is kinda hot. i listened to the entirety of louder while writing this. i am sorry to dump this in your askbox. i still have multiple assignments to do and should probably go to sleep at a decent time. it feels fitting to finally stop writing while easy love is on. when i was 12 and this ep came out i thought "dirtbags" was a curse word and was scared to sing it. they changed it to "douchebags" live.

that's all. goodbye. have a lovely night. listen to r5's discography for clear skin thriving crops etc etc. sorry to lovepost about them in your askbox i only have (1) former r5 mutual that i still talk to (a very interesting but long story. she's the gemini bestie) and she will only lovepost about r5 once in a while. feel free to ignore my ask calling cody bellinger hot i was a different person when i wrote it i am now a changed woman. LOVE YOU MWAH - bella but she misses r5

hi hi im going to answer this with minimal thought because im tired but i dont wanna leave this sitting in my inbox forever but for the record all your r5 opinions are valid. ok lets go

1. easy love slaps ive heard it a couple times over the last few days (it played in the car today while i was driving sam n meghna to the airport) and it does fuck i can see why it's your fave

2. i do not know this song

3. A BOP A WHOLE FUCKIN BOP

4. oh i do love repeating days great choice i would have to hear it a few more times to get it in my head but i remember really liking it when i listened to the album it's on

5. also a banger and i'm glad my concert tickets situation made you laugh it made me laugh too imagine being this useless gldskfjgs

6. DARK SIDE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS GIVE IN TO YOUR DARK SIDE YOUR DARK SIDE IIIIIIIII SEE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT MEEEEE

7. ANOTHER FUCKING BANGER this one is probably among my favorite r5 songs maybe top 5 LOVE ME LEAVE ME LEFT ME NUMB (guitar moment) DID YOU HAVE YOUR FUUUuuuuUUUUUNNNNN i feel the same way about this lyric as you

8. oh shit thats pretty cool i dont know this song tbh i cant remember how it goes i know ive heard it once or twice but. id have to listen to it again so i will keep you posted on that

9. i do not know this one either

10. interesting choice for top ten but i support you, this song fucks and ever since you mentioned it it's been in my subconscious and randomly getting stuck in my head i think i need to listen to it to get it out. it does hit ur right

11. i don't know hurts good or wild hearts or things are looking up or i can't say i'm in love or trading time well enough to say anything about them. but i really like fallin for you it's one of those cheap fun songs but emphasis on fun, and also really like do it again one day ill write a fic based on that song

i have not listened to cool girl i put it on my to listen playlist so hopefully i remember to listen to it soon ill be honest though i dont think im prepared for ross lynch saying motherfucker w his whole chest like i think itll take me out. so. anyway. i hope you got your assignments done. thank you for the r5 lovedump feel free to drop in anytime with more

[zackcollins]

i still love you || matthew tkachuk

masterlist

Author’s Note: I was listening to the radio yesterday and a song came on that gave me massive Matty vibes. I decided to go for it and write a fic based on the song because everyone probably still needs something to decompress with. The fic is a little bit different than the song but it still has the basic premise of the lyrics; hope that’s okay! GIF credit to matthewtkafuck!

Warnings: I don’t think anything is worth a warning but let me know if I’m wrong. I’ll gladly add whatever it is you think needs one!

Word Count: 1.8k+

Title/Based On: Austin by Blake Shelton

Additional: The reader can be implied to be feminine because of a couple of situations that I’m not going to spoil. As for one of the name of one of the characters I used in the fic. I named the character after the girl in The Reklaws since they came on the radio when I needed a name for the character. Hope that’s okay and I hope you guys enjoy this!

You had come home from work in the worst mood you could possibly imagine. Every one of your coworkers and a majority of the customers had tried your patience. You were ready to go on a destructive rampage through the neighbourhood by the time you pulled into the apartment complex parking garage. 

 When you walked into your apartment, you could hear your boyfriend, Matthew, playing a video game. By the sounds of it, it was Call of Duty because you could hear him talking to someone. You rolled your eyes as you walked into the living room. Your suspicions were confirmed when you saw Matthew wearing his headset and caught a glimpse of the zombies on the screen.

 Matthew nodded to acknowledge you, smiling when you placed a kiss to his forehead. He quickly pushed you aside; you guessed it was because of the voice you heard screaming in his ear about the zombies approaching him. You huffed and sat on the couch beside him. You tried to lean onto Matthew for comfort but he shrugged you off of him and looked at you sternly. Your stomach twisted angrily as a feeling of hurt washed over you. 

 “I need to leave, Matt,” you said. 

 Matthew raised an eyebrow as he looked at you. He pressed the button on his headset to mute his microphone. “I’ll get the car keys. We can go to the movies or something.” He unmuted his microphone and told whoever he was playing with that he needed to leave for the time being. Matthew powered the Xbox off before sliding his headset off and placing it on the coffee table. He stood up and turned to head toward the foyer to grab his keys.

 You sighed, grabbing Matthew’s forearm. Matthew stopped and looked at you. He furrowed his brows and frowned when he saw the distraught look on your face. “No, I need to leave.”

“Oh. Uh…” Matthew dropped his arm from your grasp, sitting back on the couch, and grabbing your hands. You wanted to protest but you were too stressed to put up a fight. “Is there any reason?”

 “I just need to clear my mind,” you said, squeezing Matthew’s hands weakly. 

 Matthew hummed, running his thumbs across your knuckles. You shivered and felt a sudden wave of emotions wash over you. You suddenly felt guilty for doing this but you knew it had to be done; this was what you felt was best for you right now. 

 You looked at Matthew with hopeful eyes and he smiled back softly. He took one of his hands away from your hand, using it to cup your chin. Matthew leaned in at the moment, pressing a quick goodbye kiss to your lips. You were beyond crushed when it was over. A part of you wanted your last kiss to mean something more; the other part of you was glad it was over quickly. You didn’t think you would be able to hold it together if it got more meaningful.

 Dropping Matthew’s other hand, you looked at him with a painful expression. Matthew looked back, his eyes matching your pained gaze. You sighed, stood up, and walked down the hallway to what used to be yours and Matthew’s bedroom. 

 In the bedroom, you went through your dresser and placed your clothes and some toiletries into a couple of suitcases. You wanted to grab as much as you could before you got cold feet and decided to stay.

 It took fifteen minutes but you eventually had accumulated enough contents in both suitcases to be able to drag them out of the bedroom. When you appeared back in front of Matthew, he looked shocked to see the suitcases.

 “Fuck,” Matthew said, running a hand through his hair. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”

 All you could do was nod. You walked to the door of the apartment, looking back at Matthew. You felt your heart shatter when you saw the defeated expression on Matthew’s face. You wanted to turn around and run into Matthew’s arms; you wanted to stay here with Matthew. You knew you couldn’t because you had to take some time to clear your mind and figure out what you really wanted with your life before you continued this--or any--relationship. 

 You waved briefly to Matthew before you walked out of the door and out on the relationship you had spent three years building.

 Ever since you had left your shared apartment that night, you had avoided watching any of Matthew’s pre-, mid-, or post-game interviews. You didn’t want to make the ache in your heart bigger. 

 You finally broke down and called him about a year after you had moved out, deciding you couldn’t bear the separation any longer. The phone rang times before it went to Matthew’s voicemail. You sighed and were about to hang up when the voicemail message started playing.

 “I sold the car. I’m bowling if it’s Tuesday. If you’re selling something, I’m not buying it. If it’s important, wait for the tone; you know what to do. P.S. If this is (Y/N), I still love you.”

 The phone fell from your grasp, landing on the counter with a thunk. Hearing that last line made your heart rate speed up and your head swim. You couldn’t believe that Matthew would hold on to his love for you for this long. You wanted to call right back but knew that would do no good; if Matthew didn’t answer the first time, he probably wouldn’t answer the second time.

 Instead, you picked up the phone and opened your photo gallery. You opened the album you had made for pictures of you and Matthew together. You skimmed through them, stopping to closely examine your favourite ones. 

 As you looked at them, you felt your eyes beginning to well with tears. The longer you looked at the pictures, the closer you were getting to crying. When you got to the last picture of you and Matthew, you allowed the tears to stream down your face. The picture was of you and Matthew holding one of his teammate’s children. You inhaled shakily before sliding off the barstool you were sitting on.

 You walked down the hallway and into the bedroom beside the bathroom. You walked across the room and bent over the crib, looking in on your daughter. She was sleeping soundly, thumb in her mouth. You took your phone and snapped a quick picture of her and saved it in the album you had created for her. 

 You leaned down and kissed your daughter’s forehead, sighing softly as soon as you stood back up. You leaned against the wall behind the crib, crossing your arms over your chest. Letting out a shaky sigh, you squeezed your eyes shut.

 “You look just like your father.”

 After sitting and stewing about it, you decided to try and call Matthew again after three days. You owed it to him to tell him that he had a daughter, even if nothing came of the relationship between the two of you. He deserved to at least have a relationship with his daughter.

 Much like three days prior, the phone rang three times before going to voicemail. When the voicemail message played, you were surprised to see that Matthew had taken the time to change what it had said.

 “I’m playing hockey if it’s Friday. I’m going fishing first thing Saturday morning, so long as it doesn’t rain. I’ll be gone for the whole weekend. If you leave your number, I’ll call you back when I return on Sunday afternoon. P.S. If this is (Y/N), I still love you.”

 All you left was your number. You felt like spilling your guts about the fact that Matthew had a daughter over voicemail wasn’t the right thing to do. You felt that was to be discussed when Matthew was able to respond during an actual conversation. 

 As the days went on, you were anxiously waiting for Sunday afternoon. You had deep cleaned your apartment three different times in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. You had also taken your daughter to your usual Saturday afternoon ‘mommy and me’ baby aerobics class but it felt tense this time. No matter how hard you tried to relax, you couldn’t. Every one of your thoughts was focused on waiting for Matthew to call you back.

 When Sunday afternoon finally came, you had almost forgotten about the fact that Matthew was supposed to call. That was evident by the fact that you were in the middle of changing your daughter when your phone rang. When you pulled your phone out of your pocket, you nearly had a heart attack when you saw the caller ID. It was Matthew calling. You accepted the call.

 “If you’re calling about my heart,” you said, taking a breath to stabilize your voice. “It still belongs to you. I should’ve listened to what it was telling me. Then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to know where I belong.” You paused again, trying to see if you could gauge a reaction from Matthew. His end of the line seemed completely quiet, so you continued talking. “And by the way, this isn’t the voicemail. This is (Y/N). And I still love you. So does your daughter.” 

 You heard Matthew choke on some air as he started spluttering to breathe. It took a few moments but he eventually regained his composure enough to form coherent words.

 “I have a daughter?!” He asked, voice hoarse.

 “Yes,” you replied. “Her name is Jenna.”

 Matthew inhaled sharply. “Can I see a picture of her?”

 Instead of answering, you pressed a button to switch the call to a video call. Matthew accepted the video call request but had a confused look on his face. It shifted to understanding when you moved your phone to show the face of your daughter. It quickly shifted to something heartwarming after that.

 “She…” Matthew said, motioning around her face. “She looks just like me.” His voice was small, almost tentative.

 “Yeah, I know,” you replied, sighing shakily. 

 “Jenna?” Matthew said. Jenna immediately took attention to the fact that her name had been called. “It’s daddy, sweetheart. Hi. How’re you?” Jenna giggled and tried to reach for the phone, a gigantic smile on her face.

 You felt your heartbeat sputter at what you had just witnessed. It was the most precious thing you could imagine for the first ‘meeting’ between Matthew and Jenna.

 “Where do you live now?” Matthew asked, drawing you out of your thoughts. “The team has our bye week after the game tomorrow. I can visit you and Jenna during it.”

 “I’m in Yellowknife,” you said. 

 “Alright. I’ll get the first flight from Calgary to Yellowknife after the game.”

 You felt tears falling from the corners of your eyes. You wiped them away as you looked between Matthew and Jenna. Matthew noticed the tears and exhaled softly.

 “Our family is finally going to be together,” Matthew said, running a hand through his hair. “That’s a good thing, (Y/N).” You got too hung up on the fact that he said ‘our’ to respond. 

 If he really thought like that after having only known about his daughter for ten minutes, you were blessed to have Matthew back in your life.

[cal-puddies]

idk if your doing requests but i’ve had this idea stuck in my head for a days and i think it would be such a cute imagine. you and calum are best friends but you both like each other and after the boys finish recording best years they all invite their girlfriends into the studio to listen to it and they tell you to come because they know calum’s contribution for the song was lowkey about you and while your listening he just looks and u and omg i’m in love with this man

“Hey monkey cheeks... hi little handsome!” You greet, walking into Cal’s. Duke comes right up to you and flops on his back for a belly rub.

“Hey jerkface.” Cal greets.

“How’s the album coming?” You ask, picking Duke up so you could keep rubbing his belly.

“It’s good. I think we’re really capturing where we are right now. Luke just wrote something killer, so I’m pumped.”

“Well Luke is a great writer.” You shrug.

“Yeah... you staying tonight?” He asks, gently touching your lower back.

“Eh... undecided but you know I can be persuaded.” You smirk. “Here, back to your pops, baby Duke.” You hoist the dog into Calum’s arms.

“What’s it gonna take to get you to stay?”

“Beg? Hours of oral? Not sure yet.” You shrug.

“You know id do either.” He smirks.

“Which is why I keep coming back to your bed.” You grin. You grab yourself a glass and make a drink real quick. “Have you had dinner?”

“Nope. Was just gonna see if you wanted to eat together.” He admits.

You help yourself to his fridge and decide to cook him something. “When’s the last time you didn’t eat take out?” You ask, moving easily through his space.

“Been a bit, yeah?” He laughs.

“That’s what I thought.”

You do end up staying the night, and Cal shows his appreciation for a home cooked meal with a couple rounds of oral, and a nice and slow session chest to chest. That usually meant he was feeling some type of way about something. You’d lay next to him and he’d be there with you, holding your or your hand, but you could also feel he was far away. His hand slides up and down your back, his lips kissing the top of your head until you turn to face him.

“You ok Monkey Cheeks?” You whisper.

“Yeah, I’m ok jerkface. Glad you came over tonight, Happy you’re staying.” He whispers back, finally meeting your eyes.

“Me too.” You press your lips to his chest, and he just holds you as you fall asleep.

He takes a deep breath while he watches you sleep, letting your scent fill his nose, your presence just surround him. He can’t shake the feeling that you belong there, but he knows he can’t ask you to be there right now. He can’t be there for you the way he wants to be.

And that starts the internal argument, Luke and Michael have figured it out, and Ash is working on it. Why couldn’t he do it?

But he could, he had. He just didn’t want that for you, didn’t want you sitting alone at dinner tables, and explaining to your family that he couldn’t be there because he was on tour, didnt want you ordering drinks alone at a bar while he was out across the world.

He takes you out with Ash for coffee and breakfast in the morning, he low key pays, but doesn’t touch you in any way, and you were used to it. This is what being with Cal meant, and you accepted it.

You miss him when it’s weeks between seeing him because schedules don’t line up, and you’d never want him to feel bad so you don’t tell him you wait for him. When he’s on tour he asks who you’re dating, and you’ll make up a date or two, but ultimately no one lasts long.

And he doesn’t understand that, because he thinks you’re perfect.

You’re sprawled on your couch one afternoon when Ash sends you a text.

- we’re previewing a couple versions of some songs tonight, why don’t you come by?

You weigh your options, you’d love to see all the guys but it’s basically a guarantee that you won’t get any attention from Cal. You’d like to see him anyway, maybe you could get him to go for a drink after. Luke and Sierra would probably go.

You decide you have to go when Sierra and Crystal both text and to ask you to come and Luke calls.

So you do a little make up, put on the good jeans, and throw on a t shirt you tie up.

You let yourself into the studio Ash directed you to.

“You came!” Luke says in his larger than life way while squeezing you and picking you up. You get hugs from the girls, Ash and Michael, and Cal hugs you so it’s not horribly awkward.

Luke and Ash talk animatedly about the songs they play for your, Wildflower, Best Years, and Not In The Same Way. And there were already a couple versions of each.

You can feel everyone’s eyes on you for Wildflower, but you feel Cal’s on you during Best Years, while you watch Luke’s face as he watches Sierra.

You glance at Cal out of the corner of your eye, and you don’t recognize the look on his face, but you don’t dwell on it.

“You all never cease to amaze me.” You admit, to Luke while everyone’s mingling.

“Thank you!” Luke grins, “think Sierra and I might be going for drinks, you should come, I’m gonna ask Cal too. Michael already said no and Ash needs to go do yoga, I think he said.” He explains.

“I’d like that. I’d just be going home to be on my couch.” You chuckle.

“No cant have that, come out for a couple drinks.”

Sierra comes over, “Cal’s in!” She stands on her toes and kisses Luke’s cheek and then she turns toward you, “what about you? Drinks? Say yes! Please!” She asks, before giving you a chance.

“Yeah, I just told Luke I’d go.” You chuckle.

“Ok! Good! I’m gonna ride with Cal, we’ll see you guys there.” She kisses Luke and turns and he grabs her hand. “So he can’t change his mind.”

“Fair... you wanna follow me?” He looks at you.

“Sure.” You laugh.

Luke gets you guys in VIP, and he gets his tequila on the rocks and lets you order what you want before you guys grab a table, waiting for Sierra and Cal to show up.

Luke talks to you about how work is going for you, and catching up. You’ve been around awhile, hanging out with Cal, a couple years now. But he knows it’s more than that, he knows the way Cal’s face lights up when you come around, or he gets a text from you. He loves getting to FaceTime you. And Luke knows it’s deeper than that. All of them have walked in on you and Cal having a moment or sharing a kiss, the long hugs goodbye. Or even just noticing the little touches or the grins when you lock eyes across the room. And he wants more dirt about it without outright asking you.

But Cal and Sierra show up and Sierra tells him to sit next to you.

“Hey,” he grins at you, face softening.

You’re there for about an hour and Cal keeps touching your thigh or brushing your hands together under the table, and then Sierra is asking for you to come with her.

“Good, girls are gone. Let’s cut the shit.” Luke says, leaning closer to Cal.

Cal finds it abrupt and he’s confused. “Excuse me, brov?” He asks.

“What are you doing with her? Are you gonna date her or just keep dragging her along? She’s so good for you Cal, we all see it. And she makes you so happy. And you deserve that. But she doesn’t deserve this.”

“We’re friends.” Cal shrugs.

“Nah, mate. No one believes that. You don’t even believe that you’re just friends. I don’t know what’s holding you back from her. You’re lying to yourself. You don’t think every one of us saw the way you were looking at her tonight? Even if we all didn’t already know, we would now.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do Luke! She deserves better than what I can give her right now, with our schedule!”

“You’ll figure it out. It might be tough but you’d do it to keep her happy... if she makes you this happy... I saw your face when you saw her here... you can’t string her along forever. Someone else is gonna give her everything you want to give her.”

Luke shuts up, because you and Sierra are coming back, and he doesn’t want you to hear this.

After another drink you look at your phone and laugh, “it’s so late. How does this always happen with you!” You accuse the table.

“Do you need to go? I’ll get an Uber with you.” Cal offers.

“Ummm...” you look at him and glance at Luke and Sierra giving you intense stares. “Yeah. I mean I can stay too, just didn’t realize it was already this late.”

“No, it’s fine, I’m ready to go.” Cal says, leaning into you.

“Yeah.. were gonna go too. You two stay safe. We’ll swing by tomorrow and bring you to get your cars.” Luke says. You grab your phone and your jacket and the four of you make your way outside.

“You coming to mine?” Cal asks, quietly, though he doesn’t know why because obviously all of his friends know about you. He pulls out his phone to get the Uber.

“Uh, no I think I just wanna go home, sleep in my own bed.” You shrug.

“Ok.” He nods. You all wait together til the cars come, hugs are shared. Cal calls Luke big fella when he wishes him goodnight and Sierra and Luke call him sweet boy. And you melt a little at that exchange. You love the way Cal is with his friends. You ride quietly to your place, only about a mile from Calum’s. He walks you to your door to make sure you make it, and he shoots you a goodnight text, which included a picture of him and Duke in bed.

And Cal can’t sleep. His mind is just going over and over what Luke said. And how you look at him, and you always come, and are always there.

And fuck, Luke’s right. You could have anyone, and he doesn’t want to chance that you’ll find that anyone while he’s gone on tour. You’d figure it out. This only doesn’t work if you don’t want him too. And he really doesn’t want to get hurt that way.

- if you aren’t already with her, go to her. Luke told me he talked to you. Sierra texts him.

He checks the time, it’s almost 3 am. You’re bound to be asleep. But he figures he’ll try anyway.

-awake? He asks.

- just barely.

-I’m coming over.

He almost waits for a response but he’s already climbing into the Uber when he gets a thumbs up from you. He lets himself in with the key he has and makes his way to your room.

“We gotta talk.” He says, slipping in your bed after taking his sweats off.

“It’s 3 am, do we really gotta talk now?” You chuckle. You lay face to face with him, because he has that serious tone.

“Yeah... I like you, a lot, probably more than like, but I don’t want to scare you, and I’m so tired of avoiding that topic just because I’m gone. It wears on me. When we were listening to Best Years earlier I just felt so strongly about that message toward you. And I know we’re comfortable doing this, but I don’t wanna hear about you with other guys and I’m happy when it’s us... and the guys know, they see through my shit. And my ‘just friends’...”

“Calum... shut up for a second.” You interrupt. You watch as he closes his mouth. You lean in and kiss him briefly on the lips. “We’ll try, I want to too. But we need to talk about it after I’ve slept, please.”

“Yeah... absolutely.” He agrees, pulling you back for another kiss.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 29

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.8k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: id love your feedbacks now that theyre happy together and id love to know what you think will happen of what you want to happen so if you read these notes please tell me!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : 4 requests! :) thank you so much!

Chapter 29 : His chapter

NIALL

I kept glancing at her as I drove and I couldn't take that stupid smile off of my lips. Her hair was dancing around her head, sometimes tickling my arm, cheek and neck, and it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I enjoyed it. She put her hand out of the window as it moved in waves because of the wind and the speed of the car on the high way and I loved watching her. She was wearing her stupid heart shaped sunglasses but they were new because these had purple tinted glasses, unlike the pink ones she used to have, and the smell of honey and vanilla reached my nose from time to time. I loved it. I loved her. She looked stunning in the golden hour and despite everything we had been through, at that exact moment, I was so fucking happy I could start flying.

She reached for the volume when one of my songs came on and I laughed as she started singing loud. The smile she was wearing told me I was not the only happy person in this car and I started singing with her, tapping on the wheel as she moved her upper body with the music. When the song was over I felt her reach for my thigh and she squeezed it a bit before turning the volume down again and leaning back against the seat. I could feel her gaze on my side and I was wondering what was burning my skin more : her eyes, or the setting sun hitting on my other cheek?

"Was this song written for a specific one night stand or was it just general?"

"Slow Hands?" I asked, raising my eyebrows before chuckling. "Who says I didn't write it about you?"

"Pretty sure you wrote it when we were not together anymore." she said with a frown.

"No!" I quickly replied after trying to imitate the sound of a 'wrong answer' buzzer from a tv quiz. "I started it when we were together. I just didn't really plan to add it to the album but I ended up thinking that album needed a bit more grit, i wanted something a bit more.. daring?"

She raised her eyebrows as I exited the high way and replaced her hair quickly without much success. It was adorable and I loved it a lot but I didn't mention it.

"That's daring alright. Are you talking about your fingertips or mine?" she asked with a chuckle, making me laugh.

"You decide!"

She chuckled again and I could swear she also rolled her eyes but it was hard to see because of her sunglasses. I parked a bit farther on the road and her eyes left me to look by her window. She shook her head before looking back at me and smiling.

"What?"

"I don't know, I'm always amazed at the number of beaches we can drive by here." she shrugged. "I'm just not used to it."

"You like it?"

She licked her lips and shrugged a bit, glancing down and then looking up at me. "I guess, yea. But I miss London. All the time."

I moved my own glasses up on my head and she took hers off, tilting her head and sending me a soft smile. It was a stupid thought, but at that moment, I felt the need to say it.

"You can always find your home in me." I let out, reaching for her hands and squeezing them. "You're mine, too. You're my home."

Her traits softened and she slowly moved closer, holding herself with both hands on one of my thighs before her lips reached mine. She kissed me softly and I didn't try to deepen the kiss, I just enjoyed the way he lips pressed gently but firmly against mine.

"You're my home too." she whispered, letting her eyes fall down to my laps after moving slightly away. "Unzip your pants."

"Excuse me what?" I asked with a nervous chuckle.

"Unzip your pants." she repeated without skipping a beat.

"I parked here for a walk on the beach, not for.. whatever you had planned." I explained, raising my eyebrows.

"You're not gonna say no to a blowjob twice in a row will you?" she asked, losing her smile but I could still see how amused she was in her eyes. "I'm gonna start doubting my skills."

The left corner of my lips raised and I unzipped my pants, my eyes never leaving hers. Of course I was not going to say no but damn I just hoped we wouldn't get caught. Her lips curled into a big smile before she quickly bend down. It took her half a second to have her lips around my cock and my hand gripped the wheel tight as the leather made an annoying noise. I could feel myself grow hard fast and I whimpered low. She took my dick completely in her mouth and I let out a low 'Jesus Christ' when I felt her fingers play with my balls. I looked around to see if anyone was getting closer and finally blinked a few times, looking down at her head moving up and down on me. I pushed her hair out of the way to see her better and pressed my lips together, feeling one of my legs shake. She normally goes slow and makes sure I can feel her lips on my tip, under my foreskin and down to my balls but this time, she just went fast and hard, letting the tip of my cock hit the back of her throat every time she could. I gripped her hair and licked my lips before they parted.

"Don't move, I'm gonna cum."

Quickly, I moved my hips up and down, thrusting my cock in and out of her mouth fast and hard until my eyes closed and my grip tightened.

"Holy f-, swallow it." I whispered without thinking, only half a second before I felt myself cum hard in her mouth.

I pushed her more on my cock as I felt an intense orgasm hit me like a wave and when I let go of her head, she took my dick out of her mouth but let her tongue run on the length before moving down to my balls and sucking on one. I felt my cock twitch and let out a groan as I heard her chuckle.

I quickly put my cock back in my pants when she moved her head up and the smirk she was sending me made my heart skip a beat.

"You came so fast!" she laughed, making me grimace.

"Shut up! You went so hard on my cock how was I supposed not to cum?"

I could have delayed my orgasm but I didn't see the point, especially since we were in a public place, but I didn't mention it. Of course, it made me nervous to get caught, but at the same time, the thrill was amazing.

"Do you still want to go on the beach?" I suggested, trying to talk about something else, before she nodded.

We both got out of the car and I grabbed my cap, putting it on my head and reaching my hand out for hers. She looked at it for a few seconds and stopped walking before looking up in my eyes. Something stirred in my stomach when she shook her head slightly and my arm fell back on my side. Ouch.

"You just sucked my cock in the car but you don't want to hold my hand?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. "No one will recognize us, no one cares!"

I didn't want to be rude but I couldn't pretend her behavior didn't hurt me a bit. I was normally the one who didn't want affection display in public whenever I was in a relationship but I never understood how the girls I dated could feel when I said that. Now, I had a good idea.

"I thought we... agreed that we would just.." she stopped herself and shook her head with a sigh. "I'm sorry Niall, i'm not ready for that, and you don't want that either. You hate PDA remember?"

My traits softened and I sighed, nodding slowly.

"I'm sorry, you're right, and I shouldn't have been so rude."

She licked her lips and after a few seconds, she followed me and we walked side by side on the beach with a small breeze against us. I kept glancing at her and after a while, I felt her fingers brush against mine.

"I love you, you know?" she said in a low tone, making me turn my head her way completely.

"I know, I love you too, I'm sorry, Olivia."

"I'm just.. I'm scared, Niall. Last time ended so badly, and now we're so happy. I don't want things to get bad after we make it official. I don't want what we have to vanish or even falter. I want this to last, and right now, it works, so, why risk it?"

I understood what she meant even if technically, it didn't really make sense, but I was pretty sure she knew that. I sat quickly in the sand, my knees up and holding myself with my elbows slightly behind myself, half laying down. She smiled and sat next to me in the same position, except she spread her legs out and crossed her ankles together. She was wearing soft black pants and her ridiculously dirty rainbow converse and I liked it without even knowing why.

"Okay, would you rather be always 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early?"

I raised my eyebrows and smiled slightly when I recognized the game. We used to always play that game when we were younger but as the years went by, the questions changed, and the answers too.

"20 minutes early, of course!" I frowned with a chuckle. "That was easy. Okay my turn. Would you rather have whatever you are thinking to appear above your head for everyone to see orrrrrr have absolutely everything you do live streamed for anyone to see?"

"That's an absolute shitty question." she complained. "Anything I think about appear above my head. That would imply a lot of people seeing your cock, though."

I let out a loud laughter and turned to her. "Are you thinking about my cock right now?"

"Of course!" she replied quickly. "Can't you see it above my head?"

We laughed together and she licked her lips.

"Mm, would you rather have edible spaghetti hair that regrows every night orrrr, sweat maple syrup."

I grimaced and shook my head. "This is horrible. Sweat maple syrup I guess."

"I guess I'd lick your armpits all the time, then." she shrugged, bringing a smirk to my lips.

"Oh I know you'd do it even now." I pointed out. I could swear I saw her cheeks turn a soft shade or red and chuckled. "You love my armpits. One time you literally put your face there and kissed it."

"That was an accident." she blatantly lied. " I was trying to kiss your... your shoulder."

"Liar. I was smelly too, I was just back from the gym." I added, knowing I was embarrassing her even more.

"Okay, Niall, your turn now!"

I laughed as I stared at her and finally pressed my lips together, trying to find a good question.

"Would you rather... have 10 orgasms every time you have sex but they're not that good, or just one every week but a fucking strong one."

"That's a horrible question and I'm sorry but I'm gonna go for the fucking strong one." she shrugged with a grimace. "I would be so annoying all week though, you wouldn't be able to live with me. I'd hump you all the time."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "How often do you masturbate?"

Her eyes roamed on my face and she pressed her lips together, trying not to smile too much.

"Normally maybe, twice a day?" she just replied with a shrug. "These days, though, I don't. You're the only one who makes me cum."

I turned to her and sent her a big happy smile that she sent back.

"I would kiss you right now." I pointed out, making her smile too.

"I would kiss you back."

We stared at each other for a while and she finally looked away, turning her head to the water for a few minutes as the sun was disappearing into the horizon. I knew we should get up and leave to find a place to sleep but I didn't want to.

"Would you rather marry a 10 with a boring personality, or a 6 with an amazing personality." she let out, turning her head to send me a smile again. "Choose wisely."

"You're not asking this about yourself, right? Because you're not a 6."

"You're right, i'm a 4, at best. No wait, Heidi said a 3, right?"

"You're still thinking about that?" I asked in a lower and soft tone before she shrugged and turned again to the water. "You really shouldn't. She was just jealous."

"Heidi isn't jealous of anyone. What she says, she means." Liv pointed out. "You know, just because I know you're out of my league doesn't mean I'm not confident, or that I hate myself. I know society's beauty standards and I don't fit in. I never will. You do though." she pointed out, turning to me. "You've always been the pretty boy, the one everyone liked and wanted to be around. I was never jealous I was fucking mesmerized. Because you were my best friend and no one else's. You had picked me."

"I'm still picking you. I'm choosing you every single day, Olivia." I pointed out, sitting up and crossing my legs, looking down at my hands. "And you have no idea how many girls I flirted with that turned me down." I chuckled. "Before I was famous and even now. You could be surprised."

"That's because you seem to always fall for stupid fucking bitches. You always choose them for what they physically look like. You never try to see deeper because for you, everyone is good. But it's not true. Not everyone is good, Niall. Some people will just use you and throw you away when they're done. Some people will pick you because you're rich and famous, and some other won't pick you because you're not glamorous enough. Why do you think Heidi wanted to date you so bad but was totally okay to let you sleep with one of her best friends?"

I looked up and frowned. "Wait, what do you mean?"

"Gia Christenson? That's literally the only friend Heidi has left, yet she sent her to flirt with you at that bar when we were dating? She gave her your number so she could send you nudes when we were camping? And you literally ended up sleeping with her a few weeks before you started dating Heidi?"

My lips parted slightly but I shook my head. No, Heidi hadn't done all that just so I would break up with Olivia, that was impossible. I didn't want to believe that someone could ever do that. To anyone. I was not such a bad judge of character.

"No I mean, it's a coincidence."

"It's not. And I'm not blaming her for our break up. She didn't force you do to anything, she didn't point a gun to your head either. But when you started dating her I couldn't help but think that she had gotten exactly what she wanted and I had lost."

"And now?"

"Now?" she asked, raising her eyebrows as she turned to look in my eyes with a sad smile. "Now I'm just not playing anymore."

We kept quiet again, just listening to the waves and feeling the slightly cooler breeze hit our cheeks. It felt amazing to be here, alone, with her, but her words kept resonating in my head. Was I that oblivious?

"I don't want to marry a 6 or a 10, no matter what their personalities are." I finally just replied with a shrug. "I want to marry you. No number. Just you."

The way she smiled at me and tilted her head, I knew she liked my answer, but I kept quiet and after a while, she got up and I followed her back to the car. The sun was gone and the sky was dark but I drove to the first motel I saw and grabbed our bags before putting my sunglasses back on.

"I'll give my name." she just said as we reached the counter.

I smiled a bit and nodded before she asked for a room, gave her name and paid for it. I stayed behind her slightly and finally followed her to our room as she opened it and let me in. I dropped everything near the bed and when I turned around she was locking the door behind us.

"How much do I owe you?" I asked, putting my hands on my waist.

"Nothing, I got my check." she giggled, making me raise my eyebrows. "The number on it was astronomical, I almost came just looking at my bank account."

"Okay but this is literally a suite." I pointed out, making her roll her eyes.

"A suite in a motel I mean who cares?" she rolled her eyes, sitting on the bed.

I walked to her and bent down to kiss her lips as her hands found my cheeks. I had wanted to kiss her for hours and feeling her lips on mine after that long felt incredible.

"You want to add more fluids to these dirty bed sheets?" she asked with a smirk, making me grimace before she started laughing hard. "I'm just kidding! I'm sure these are extremely clean."

"Yea not so sure anymore."

She got up and tilted her chin up to look at me. Instinctively, my arms wrapped around her waist and I pulled her closer to kiss her gently.

"Maybe we could sleep on the floor?" I proposed in a low tone, half-joking.

"The floor is probably even worse." she mentioned just as low before chuckling. "Come on, I'll fill the bath for us. I saw it on the brochure and it looks incredible."

"For a motel room suite, maybe." I complained as she moved away.

I heard her laugh again and opened one of my bags to get some comfortable clothes for both of us, leaving the sweatpants and shirts on top of my luggage. I finally grabbed my phone and looked at all the notifications popping up with a grimace. I deleted all of them and went to check my contacts. I clicked on Heidi's name and picked the 'delete' option before doing the same with Gia and a few other girls. I was not really sure who they were, probably because they were insignificant to me, and threw my phone on the bed just as she was calling me. When I stepped foot in the bathroom, the bath was filled and the lights were dimmed, which surprised me a bit, considering what kind of motel we were in.

I looked at her sitting in the bath, definitely naked but all I could see was her breasts out of the water and slightly covered with foam. I could still see her nipples and I groaned.

"Can't believe you didn't wait for me to get undressed."

She shrugged and smiled. "Your turn. Take your clothes off."

Quickly, I took my shirt off and laughed when I noticed the way she was looking at me. She didn't say a word and I took my pants, boxers and socks off before joining her. The bath was large enough and I sat in front of her, grabbing one of her feet and massaging it gently, my thumbs pressing against her sole.

"Mm, don't stop." she whispered making me laugh as she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the side of the bath. "I didn't expect that but this is amazing. Oh, and there's a beer behind you. Thought you'd enjoy."

I grabbed the bottle with one hand and she immediately started shaking her foot to get my attention back.

"You’re so needy."

"Shut up and keep going." she just replied, making me roll my eyes, a small smile still on my lips.

We remained in silence for a while, just enjoying the warm water and the presence of each other, but after a while, my mind went from blank to filled with questions and I breathed in.

"What are we, Olivia?"

She moved her head up and her eyes opened, meeting mine. She seemed a bit taken aback by my question but she shook her head a bit before tilting it.

"We're... two best friends who... love each other, and fuck more than occasionally." she proposed slowly, raising her shoulders up. "I guess."

"What if I want you to be my girlfriend, Olivia? What do I have to do for that?"

She breathed in and out slowly, still looking at me, and took her foot back. I thought she was mad but she moved in the water and got closer, placing her knees on each sides of me and sitting on my thighs. She looked down at my chest,  bringing warm water on my shoulders and sighing before looking back up in my eyes.

"I love you, Niall. I'm in love with you. I want to date or fuck no one but you." she confessed in a very low tone. "But I'm not ready. And I don't know when I'll be. Or if I'll ever be."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and frowned a bit. "So we may never get back together?"

Her face changed and she licked her lips. "Shit happens, so we never know? I want to, and I'm trying. But I can't promise anything. It's too stressful for me. Can we just.. live today? You're going on tour, I'm about to film again and... we'll both be extra busy. We can have that discussion again after your tour?"

"My tour literally ends in september, Liv." I pointed out. "That's in over 7 months. What will happen if we don't see each other for weeks?"

Her eyes roamed on my face and she licked her lips again, as if she was trying to find the courage to talk again. "I'll do everything I can to come see you every time I have a few days off. You can come back here whenever you have a break, too. We can talk every day, text each other, facetime each other. It's not our first time apart, and... I know it'll probably be the hardest but if we want to make this work, we will, right?"

I stared at her, unsure if it was really possible but I swallowed. I wanted it so bad, whether we were official or not, and I was going to do everything I could to make this, whatever it was, work.

"I'm not gonna date, fuck or even see anyone else." she added. "Just you. I sort of expect the same from you although I can't force you but... if you decide you don't want to be exclusive I want to know who you... who else you're gonna have sex with, please? I'm honestly just scared of what an official relationship will do to us. The girlfriend and boyfriend title is just.. too big for me. For now." she paused. "Okay?"

"Okay." I whispered, nodding but feeling like shit.

She slipped her fingers in my hair and pressed her lips gently against mine.

"I love you." she murmured before kissing my cheekbone. "I love you." she repeated, kissing my jaw. "So fucking much." Her lips brushed against my neck. "More than anything." She went back to my lips. "I'm in love with you." I closed my eyes as she peppered kisses slowly and gently on my face and neck until my shoulders fell and I relaxed.

I felt her bring water over my shoulders again and she let her hands run on my chest, moving up on her knees. I kept my eyes closed until I heard a whimper escaping her lips and when I opened my eyes again, she was biting her bottom lip. I wanted to tell her that the song I had written was about marriage and that all I could think about since we went to that stupid wedding was how bad I wanted her to be my wife. It was ridiculous, knowing that I was not 100% in the relationship when we dated and that I was now in this 150% and we weren't even dating. I couldn't tell her that, though. Not after she had just told me she didn't want pressure and stress. Not after she had told me that she needed time and that she was not ready. But the words got stuck in my throat and I swallowed them hard.

"You okay?"

"Mmhm." I just replied, bringing one of my hands between her legs as I stared in her eyes.

She stiffened and finally bit her bottom lip as I slipped two fingers inside her, moving them in a fair rhythm and make her hips jerk slightly. I knew we were having a serious conversation but I was on the verge of spilling all my thoughts and feelings to her and I had no idea how to stop myself from doing that except by making her cum. I brought my thumb to her clit and stared at her seriously as her lips parted.

"Niall, I think we should wait until we get out of t-the bath." she let out in a mix of whimper and whisper. "I bought something special, just for you."

"Tomorrow. Today I'm just gonna watch you fuck yourself on my fingers." I argued as I kept brushing her clit with my thumb. Then I'm gonna finish my beer, I'll kiss you, wrap a towel around you and bring you in bed, and we'll talk in the dark the way we used to always do."

She reached for my wrist and stopped me for a few seconds. "Are you gonna sing something to me?"

I breathed in and nodded. "Any song you want. As many times as you want."

It took her a few seconds to nod and I reached for her hand, moving it away from my wrist as I started rubbing her clit again. "Come on, pet, do it now."

She started moving slowly up and down on my fingers and after a few minutes, I could feel her throb around me. The sight was amazing but I couldn't help myself and wrapped my free arm around her to bring her breasts close to my face. I ran my tongue on one of her nipples before sucking on it as she let out a louder moan. She started shaking and I felt her pussy clench around my fingers. I looked down at my fingers disappearing inside her and groaned low.

"Fuck I love your pretty little fanny. So fucking wet all the fucking time."

She started shaking and watching her body quiver from an orgasm was the most incredibly hot thing I have ever seen in my life. She came down from her high and I took my fingers out before she sat back on me and her mouth found mine again.

"You didn't tell me." she whispered, kissing me hard again. "Are you gonna see other girls while we're away? You're going to meet a few on tour..."

I grabbed her waist and pulled her away to look into her eyes and I could read in hers that she felt bad for asking me, almost scared of my answer. I wished she knew how I felt. I wished she knew I wouldn't do anything that could risk hurting her again, and I knew that just telling her wouldn't mean she'd believe me.

"You're all I think about. You're all I care about. Nothing feels good without you. I told you. That year without you was the most miserable of my entire life, Olivia. I have no desire to be with anyone else. So no, I'm not gonna see anyone. I'm not gonna kiss anyone. I'm not gonna fuck anyone. I'm not even going to flirt with anyone because I just don't give a fuck about anyone else."

"This is gonna work." she whispered, trying to convince both of us. "This distance thing I mean. We'll do it right."

"We will." I confirmed with a smile. "And every single night, I'm gonna sing about you."

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah