#every time i like a side character in any lis game they're either not giving them enough screen time or killing them off

[lulu2992]

Deleted dialog from Far Cry 3’s main story

In this series of posts, I’m sharing all the unreleased content (minus a few duplicates) I found in the oasisstrings text file, even when it wasn’t very interesting, so we have a comprehensive list of the lines that were cut in each Far Cry 3 story mission.

On a side note, the document never says which character is speaking, so every time you see names, it’s either because the corresponding audio files were available and I know who the speaker is, or because the context made it easy to guess their identity.

Part 22: Fly South & Three Blind Mice

Fly South

In this mission, Willis originally had more lines during the attack:

Jason help!

You won't take me alive.

They were sent here by the Russians!

This is part of the conspiracy.

Get away from me!

Reagan would be proud!

Kick them back to China!

Yes, we can!

More pinkos incoming. Stay sharp!

They're not giving up. More inbound!

That was some fine shooting. They're shocked and I'm awed. Now get in.

When he says he’s taking another plane in Singapore, Jason would simply reply:

Okay.

And about the wingsuit, he had two more comments:

Are you sure this thing is safe?

This looks like some failed '60s CIA experiment.

Three Blind Mice

Upon arriving in Thurston, Jason had a few more lines:

I guess this is Thurston.

Who runs this place? Blackwater?

These guys look tough.

In the game, he then gives money to a privateer to access the poker game and meet Sam, but it all happens in a cutscene whether or not you can actually “afford the buy-in”. The following exchange suggests this wasn’t always the case and that maybe you needed to interact with the man to pay him... or not if you didn’t have enough money on you:

Jason: I'll get back to you. Privateer: Yeah, you do that. Privateer: Hey. Show me the buy-in or fuck off.

Then, we had several lines, it seems either from privateers or Rakyat NPCs, overhead in the town:

Fucking slopes. Hoyt should let us kill a few more.

Any of you assholes eyeball me again... BANG!

Welcome to another day in paradise, motherfuckers.

All Sec-2 personnel, report to your goddamn posts!

Hey, which of you fine Asian bitches is gonna suck my dick?

Man, the pay's shit, but the pussy here is fucking vintage!

Hello, sir. May I help you with anything, sir?

Please, I have no more money to pay.

No trouble, please. I am not one of the whores.

They come into my house and they take my food. How am I supposed to feed my family?

After Jason becomes acquainted with Sam and the latter asks him to follow him, Jason says, “Where did he go?” in the game, but as I mentioned in Part 14, this line was originally about Buck.

Instead, the original comment about Sam in this mission was:

What have I gotten myself into?

Finally, Sam would tell a bit more about himself:

I try to be a good soldier. The poker keeps me sane, ja? The name of the game is reading the others...bluffing them, making them think one thing when it is another, ja?

Me? I am an expert at bluffing. I can go all in like that with nothing in my hand but air. How do I do it? Simple gullibility. I believe my own lies.

[deer-in-headlights-stare]

Hello and happy blorbo blursday! Your characters have been sent to the modern world, how do they adapt? (Or if they're already in a somewhat modern/sci fi setting, booted into a standard medieval fantasy world instead.) Feel free to answer for them either as a team or individually!

so so sorry for taking a month to answer this!!

they are kinda in a modern (dystopian) setting but its so different from our world i think it would be a pretty big adjustment for them.

i feel like liz would actually adjust the best to our world out of all of them? it would be signifigantly easier for her in certain ways - as her government doesnt really like her and she's been on the run/in hiding for a while. also, where she lives in the story is very, very small, so i think she'd appreciate how big our modern world is, how many options and places she had to go.

she'd probably find a job maybe working at a library or something along those lines and live quietly with her partner (and the rest of the group if they came along with her)

i could see her being very paranoid and protective, even more so than in her world. she probably wouldnt make many friends + stick to the people she already knows and be very protective of them

i can imagine her travelling a lot as well !!

cricket would probably have a lot of trouble adjusting at first but slowly find her way. she would love going to museums + sciencey stuff that her home wasnt big enough for, especially the super kiddy exhibits. she would spend a lot of time outside, just exploring.

she would adore all the animals in our world and would probably have a dozen pets (it is questionable if they are legally allowed as pets or animals she found and decided to adopt) if liz let her (liz does not)

i don't think moth would be able to do in person schooling, or at least not for very long. moth would do homeschooling / online schooling probably taking a few college classes on bugs or something on the side

moth would LOVE stargazing also<3

i can see asa fitting in the most with non-team people. i don't think he'd get super close to anyone else (not for a while at least) but he'd know a few others by name + be able to strike a up few conversations.

also very protective of the rest of the group but in the way that he would be very clingy when they are together. lots of hugging or piggyback rides or just hanging out in the same space. he is very paranoid that one of them will just . leave and not come back so he would text them a lot / want a lot of messages sent back

i think he'd really get into video games :D

lastly rune would be pretty private out of habit and protection, but once they felt comfortable in a certain place (like a favorite coffee shop or store) they could be pretty chatty - though they would generally only talk about their interests , never about themselves/their friend just out of a sense of protection

if this takes place after the events of the story, she would probably get into a few new hobbies - something she could do with her hands like building models or smthing

still never sleeps, stays up late talking to asa or liz instead. makes breakfast for the rest of the group at like 4 - 5 am, probably goes all out with a fancy meal

i could see them getting a job at like a mechanic shop or something similar, the work would be easy for them, but they would enjoy it.

totally lies about their age. gives a different answer every time depending on what they want, as a result no one has any idea how old they actually are.

[elrhinochtone]

An alternative to social rolls

Every single time a player of mine rolls to remember relevant information or lie to someone, I die a little bit inside.

That's because both of those things are incredibly stupid - not in a "haha, your 20 charisma bard can roll a 1 to charm the barmaid" kind of way, but in a "Oh wow you did everything absolutely right and yet the dice fucked you over when it should have worked" kind of way.

TTRPGs, at their core, are about making interesting choices. In that light, you want to minimise dice rolls as much as possible. Dice rolls are bad, they mean you can't arbitrate what's happening through simple logic. They're a last resort.

And the truth of the matter is, there is rarely any reason to actually roll charisma. There just isn't. You know the character, you heard the PC's arguments, you can decide whether the NPC is convinced or not. No dice roll necessary. This is a good thing. It means social puzzles and encounter provide meaningful, impactful choices to your party.

The problem, of course, is that this method relies completely on player skill, as opposed to character skill. If your PC isn't really good at improvising arguments, then they can't really play a bard.

So social rolls suck, but you still want players to be able to use the game's rules to impact social situations. This has been a thorn in my side for quite a while, until a friend came up with the solution for me : Just Use Tokens lolz.

Here's the rules : you get a number of tokens equal to your charisma, or social score, or 5 + Charisma modifier, or one token per point in the social stat, whatever. You can spend those tokens for the following effects :

Make someone reconsider an argument they've dismissed

Make someone give you one more chance to argue your case

Force a subordinate to obey an order

Momentarily get a crowd's attention

Get a general idea of someone's mood

Immediately learn if someone lied to you or not

Block the above effect. If you choose to, you can both keep spending tokens until one of you gives up, at which point the truth is either revealed or left in limbo.

If you're unfortunate enough to be using a system that has a social skill system, just split these possibilities between the appropriate skills and distribute specialised tokens, or use the skill as the maximum amount of instances tokens can be spent in a single conversation or whatever. It's dirt simple to implement and won't make your rules more complicated in any way that matters.

Here's the thing : none of the above effects replace or supersede player skill. They only either give them a chance to actually play out the social puzzle or give them more information to solve it with. This gives socially bad players a chance to play socially good characters without making it all about dice rolls and eliminating choice : their role as the party face is to buy them time to convince the other party and weasel out enough information to actually do so - they barely have to talk at all except to beg the local bigwig to reconsider and give them a moment of their time.

If you can't see just how much better this is in every single way, I don't have the words to explain it to you. It increases player knowledge, give them tools to play with and preserves player choice. This is the holy grail of game dev right there.

The exception is the insight/deception bidding minigame. But that's just cool. Imagine, for a moment, a player taking a risk a lying to a dragon or something :

Dragon puts down an insight token. Player puts down a lie token. Dragon puts down another. Player. Dragon. Player, sweating. Dragon, smiling. And this uber-powerful entity just keeps putting down tokens. Imagine them sweat ! This is just good gameplay.

And like okay, there's probably some fine-tuning to be done. I haven't actually given you any rules for a concrete system yet. But in the broad strokes, this just… solves social rules forever. There are no possible drawbacks to using this system over dice rolls.

And I'm a nerd, and that got me very excited, so I'm putting it out there. Use this and thank me later. I beg you.

[radgamester]

What are your thoughts on Street Fighter 6's Year 2 characters? Especially Terry and Mai since I get a strong SNK vibe from this place. Now that Street Fighter 6 announced a Year 2, who are your picks for Year 3.

When I first saw Terry and Mai on that Year 2 collage, I almost fell out of my chair. I had to make sure it wasn't an edit or just an ad for a phone app game (the Ninja Turtles were recently announced as being in the SF Duel game for example).

I'm glad Elena made the cut. I don't think anyone would be unhappy about that. She missed the boat in SF5, is a fan favorite, and people have been asking 'where are the Street Fighter III characters' since the SF6 base roster was revealed.

With Bison, I'm of two minds. On one side, I feel he should be dead and stay dead for the story to move forward. Despite KOF pulling the Orochi card every now and then, they have moved on to new enemies and evil organizations. But I am intrigued about this either amnesiac Bison or unfinished clone that took the name Bison. Eager to see his story and his reactions to Chun Li, Guile, Ed and JP.

For Terry and Mai I am beyond excited. I can see some people complaining because SNK isn't as popular in the US, but people forget that SF6 is made in Japan where SNK and their characters are crazy popular and beloved. The other complaint is that with only four characters, Terry and Mai are taking up two spots that would have been used for two Street Fighter (III) characters, so I get that too.

I would say maybe they would have used Terry in Year 2 and saved Mai for Year 3... but then that would give the expectation of a SNK character for Year 4 or whatnot, when this might be a one-time thing. So bottom line, I'm excited to see Terry and Mai in SF6 but I do understand the complaints about them.

My main complaint for how Capcom was doing their DLC for SF6 is only 4 characters when we had 5 before and also how they spoil them all at once. Like we have to wait a year for Bison, Terry, Elena and Mai before we hear of anyone new before that. Before it was like Balrog... and 4 mystery slots... and the slots would fill over the year or so with a new character announced at Evo or Capcom Pro Tour. Now they're just spoiling their entire season's pass from the getgo. Where's the surprise? Where's the intrigue??

As for my picks for a SF6 Year 3, not counting any surprise guest stars I'd say

Sagat

Sakura Kasugano

Eagle

Sean Matsuda (though if there was a fifth, add Laura too)

[leam1983]

On Authorial Intent

So, Hogwarts Legacy is nearing its street date, which means The Discourse is back in full swing, and various pieces from all potential angles are popping up.

This is a long boy. More below the cut.

What comes up frequently up here is the idea that the main antagonist, a goblin named Ranrok, effectively calls back to blood libel in attempting to kidnap the player character. This starts out of the assertion that on the wider spectrum, Rowling's goblins are supposedly wholeheartedly Antisemitic in design.

In that case, call me a troll, because I've got one heck of an unpopular read on the situation.

There is such a thing, in literary circles, called reading sensitivity. That should refer to a writer's ability to gauge his or her strength accordingly, in order to create instances of pathos or resolution that are impactful, without being insulting or disturbing. That's Fact A, to which I'll return shortly.

Fact B is that the Goblin, as a concept, is thousands of years old. The deepest roots of tales like Das Ring der Nibelungen relate to proto-germanic legends, and that virtually every culture in existence has its small, scurrying pseudo-humanoid of various levels of greed or material attachment. The Russians have the domovoi, some Irish folktales focus on Brownies, and the French have their own lutins that carry slight loaners from animal anatomy. Physical deformities can also feature, seeing as it took the emergence of most modern forms of medicine for the disabled or the infirm to not be seen as otherwordly or freakish. Let's not forget Victorian spiritualism, which saw faeries make a comeback as entirely anatomically-correct "little people" of a sort.

Considering, you'll have to excuse me if the Potter movies' use of money-lending and hook-nosed humans beset with a glandular or skeletal issue doesn't exactly strike me as being antisemitic. Culture warps and shifts over time, points of contention are identified and workshopped, and now you've got ethically mature postures found in Dungeons and Dragons' 5th edition, which rebrands liches' Phylacteries as more à-propos "vessels" or "soul jars". Looking at goblins and at virtually any other Fantasy staple, it's not hard to see that recent advances in criticism have enabled worldbuilders to think critically about their object of focus without disavowing them entirely.

Therein lies a tiny bit of an issue. It isn't impossible for a set of creatives to connect two dots without realizing the implications of the inferences they've made. As is the case with Hogwarts Legacy, this gives you Ranrok's rather awkward reasoning behind his siding with Dark Wizards. It isn't blood libel so much as a clumsy attempt at reclamation, our antagonist not realizing how his actions are painting his entire diaspora in a corner.

Fact C concerns Avalanche Studio themselves. I first thought their name referred to the Stockholm-based creators of open-world titles like Just Cause 3 or Mad Max, but it's a case of mistaken identity. They're actually American, with Hogwarts Legacy being their first tentpole title under WB Games' auspices. They're in more than a tertiary position in relation to Rowling's remaining rights - say that three times fast - and had more contact with WB Games than with anyone related to the wider Potterverse. Considering, I highly doubt they would've chosen to pile onto Rowling's already-massive pile of worldbuilding and character-creating flaws. This, for better or worse, is entirely theirs to shoulder. Going over demos and earlier cover stories, the entire Ranrok angle feels... sophomoric, rather than insulting. It's as though they thought that the game would primarily be played by fifteen year-olds, when the books and movies' core audiences are either well into their thirties or edging ever closer to the mid three-ohs. Some elements of complexity are missing that featured in the movies and games, with the entire premise giving me the impression that our poor Goblin fellow would be hoist by his own petard in some mind-numbingly spectacular fashion, following a boilerplate boss fight.

In clearer terms, I won't be kicking the ass of a clumsy and mean-spirited allegory for Jewish people getting even after the Holocaust; I'll be spending the game trying to set up the most aggressive take on an intervention you could think of. None of this reflects poorly on goblins - it reflects poorly on Ranrok, instead, as well as the game's scriptwriters.

What's interesting is how the current discourse underlines an important point about Rowling's oeuvre, which is that her attempts at making her characters mature through exposure to deeper sociopolitical undercurrents are consistently and amazingly clumsy. Most of her created organizations are pale facsimiles of their real-world counterparts, with her moral compass suggesting that she blew through Ethics without paying much attention in class. She's palpably had good intentions, but her looking for digestible shortcuts is exactly what landed her in her currently murky waters. Characters who'd start out ready and willing to clean their society of its systemic ills after a few books spent in-training would be shelved as now-useless adults by the series' end. The Big Bad is vanquished. Everyone, if not everything in Hogwarts depended on Voldemort's existence as some form of motivating impulse.

What do you do, once you've killed your campaign's BBEG and want to extend it? You totemize societal ills and tell another group of plucky mercenaries to have at it for the sake of a paycheck. Legacy likely wants to say something about the mistreatment of minority groups, but it's contractually obligated to focus on the mirth and whimsy. Considering, reading too much into the antagonist is a fool's errand.

My more personal take on the game is as follows: Rowling's been burned at the stake of Progressivism and now exists as a specter the reactionary Right flaps about. She goes quiet for a few months and then shambles for a few steps like a zombie, Tweeting inane nonsense that depersonalizes minority groups out of some rampant paranoia of hers. In clearer terms, she isn't worth anyone's time.

Everything Potter is now squarely in the House that Batman and Bugs Bunny built. The golden goose has laid all its eggs and the goose itself is now fallow and barren. Ultimately, you can interpret any product in any way you'd choose and ignore anything that displeases you, but my thinking is that you'd be punching down on a megacorporation that knows enough not to purposefully incense a particular group. If any game was focus-tested to Hell and back, it's certainly Hogwarts Legacy.

Don't buy it if you don't want to, sure, but try and maybe catch a few Let's Play segments. We'll all see for ourselves just how adroitly - or clumsily - one particular goblin's racial hatred and spite could call back to an anti-Jewish trope I've never seen bandied-about outside of tailor-made Fash mouthpieces like The Daily Stormer.

[askmerriauthor]

Jedi: Fallen Order thoughts 2/?

Discussion on "Star Wars - Jedi: Fallen Order". First post here, spoilers and lengthy rambling after the jump.

Honestly, I love this box art so much purely for the facts that 1) I made sure to remove that poncho the instant I could because the game's cloth dynamic rendering had it flailing about wildly as if it were trying to attack the universe through sheer defiance of physics in every cutscene. And 2) see that alien dude on the left with a pistol? In-game, he's an utter coward who never once participates in anything remotely resembling violence and sure as hell never wields a gun. It just reminds me of how Kirby is always given angry eyebrows in the US because marketing people are fucking stupid and think players won't be drawn to the game with an abjectly cute mascot.

So! The story.

As mentioned in my previous post, "Fallen Order" basically wants to tell a Found Family tale about a ragtag group of remnants who leave behind their previous lives and forge a new future together. We have our main character Cal Kestis; a former Padawan who survived Order 66 and has been in hiding for a handful of years. Cere Junda; a former Jedi who's cut herself off from The Force, Greez Dritus; a gambling addict pilot with a troubled past he's trying to leave behind, and BD-1; an annoyingly named but utterly lovable Droid who is far and away the best character in the entire damn game. There's also Nightsister Merrin; the presumably last survivor of the Nightsisters and potentially Cal's love interest, but she basically only shows up in the last 10 minutes of the game and doesn't get a lot of screentime despite being presented as a major part of the cast.

The game takes place a handful of years after the purge of the Jedi in Order 66, where both Cal and Cere's core character thrust is tied into. Cal was a child who survived only due to his master sacrificing his life to save him and has been wracked with guilt and PTSD ever since. Cere, on the other hand, unintentionally abandoned her own Padawan and other younglings, directly leading to their death, corruption by the Dark Side, and almost falling to the Dark Side herself. The bulk of the narrative throughout the game is dealing with the relationship these two have with one another, coming to terms with their own trauma, and moving forward from there. Meanwhile, the overall plot itself focuses around finding a Holocron that has a map and list of Force-sensitive children throughout the galaxy, which the gang can use to rebuild the Jedi Order while also keeping it - and thus the children - out of The Empire's hands. The whole series of events culminates in a big showdown between Cere's former Padawan whom she abandoned and became corrupted into an Inquisitor, Cal contending with his own guilt, and the decision on whether or not the gang has the right to interfere with the Force-sensitive children's lives and potentially put them in danger if another purge were to occur.

On paper, it's a solid enough story. The actual execution leaves something to be desired.

Something I absolutely hate in games (which has become frustratingly abundant in recent years) is the illusion of choice. If a player is presented with choosing A, B, or C, that decision should matter. Which path is taken should have impact, consequence, and change the course of the story. If all three routes converge back together at the same outcome regardless of what you picked, then your choice never mattered at all. "Fallen Order' suffers from this. There are fairly sporadic points in the game where you're given the option to choose how Cal will reply to a given conversation, or whether or not to take a certain action, but it doesn't matter at all. The conversation's outcome nor the overall story isn't affected by your choice (or even if you bother to have the conversation at all), and the any time you try to do something other than what the game wants you to do, it'll just reset itself endlessly until you cooperate. You have no choice in the matter, but the game makes it appear as if you do to emulate your involvement.

I absolutely hate this in games. If a game presents you with choices, then your choices should have consequences. Your input should matter. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a linear, plot-driven game where the player has no direct input on the narrative. If anything, that gives the story even greater opportunities to shine because it allows the writers and directors to be in full control of the presentation, characterization, and story.

At the risk of sounding like a cranky old man, this is very much a "back in my day!" sort of situation where older games wouldn't shy away from simply locking a player out of content if they chose a certain path. If you pick A, you don't get to see what happens down B or C. If you want to join the Jets, you don't get to join the Sharks. If you want to see what lies down those other routes, then replay the game and make different decisions. Sometimes it was a specific design choice, other times it was a way to handle hardware/programming restrictions. But there's a big notion these days in particular where there's a desire to make sure the player sees all the game's content up front. I anecdotally chalk it up to an increase in non-gamers entering into video game development at management level and making design decisions they're not qualified for, but that's just my own take. Like, I understand the thought process behind it. "We have all this content, so we want to make it a selling point and ensure the player gets to see all of it! If they play our game and miss a bunch of stuff, they might bitch at us and cause reviews". I get it, I do. But it's also bullshit because it directly harms the final product. If a game is good, players will replay it ad nauseum for ages beyond release. So they're going to see all the content one way or another. When the "we have to let the player access all content up front" mind set is in effect, it means the player's choices ultimately don't matter and the resulting abundance of content is quantity rather than quality.

In the case of "Fallen Order", your choices don't matter one bit and it's not even out of a case of accessing content. For some reason the developers put in this vestigial, pointless façade of a dialogue tree and choice system when the game frankly would've been far stronger if it had just been left out entirely. Developers have to invest one way or another. Either make it a fully narrative-driven game and tell a solid story, or make it a player-driven game and put in the effort to make the player's choices matter. Especially in a Star Wars game, as RPGs in this franchise have historically have Light/Dark Side choices, character deaths, and alternate endings based on your decisions. A big part of "Fallen Order"'s story is characters contending with the risk of falling to the Dark Side because of their trauma, but the game itself never actually gives the player any chance to explore that at all. It's a huge missed opportunity either way.

I think that's where a lot of the story's trouble comes from in the end. It's a lot of build up on a good idea that fizzles out and goes nowhere. Cal spends the entire game getting to a point where he's ready to move on, and then the game ends. Cere comes to terms with her past mistakes and tries to redeem her fallen Padawan, only for said fallen Padawan to be killed abruptly and completely cut off that entire story thread. Greez's past coming back to haunt him is shoe-horned in randomly and never goes anywhere. Merrin doesn't have enough time on screen to matter. There are three major villains throughout the game who are just cast aside casually and with no lingering impact for ever having been there. The biggest final boss, who has been the core antagonist and a major point of emotional conflict for the entire game, is discarded with no resolution because this is a Star Wars game and we just can't have one that doesn't feature Darth Vader sweeping in to steal the spotlight.

It's just... ugh. There's potential here. There's obvious, glowing moments of potential where things could've been developed into something really impressive if they were just given the opportunity. It feels like a huge waste and the end result is just a "meh" game that doesn't go anywhere, doesn't contribute to the setting, and could very easily be dismissed entirely from the franchise with absolutely no impact.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 4/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! So I realised I forgot to explain the idea behind this story. This is part of a series I'm working on called 'Head in the Clouds' - stories that are inspired by the music of Joji. This story is loosely based off the music video for 'Gimme Love'. I couldn't make sense of the actual video cause it goes by so fast (if you watch it you'll see what I mean), but I kind of have an idea.

Thanks for listening to my TEDtalk.

Major Trigger warnings: Dementia, death, grief, homophobic slurs

-_-_-_-

2003

"Brianna, could you come here?"

I put my pen down on the kitchen table, not really minding that Grandpa was interrupting me. The studying was tiring, if anything.

Walking into his room, I found him getting up from his desk.

"Hey, Grandpa," I said.

"Brianna, do me a favour, baby. Could you read me this one chapter?" He asked, retreating to his bed.

Bit of an odd request for him. "Why? What's up?"

I picked it up, one of the many books that delved into the science and possibility of the existence of parallel universes.

"I'm just...finding it kind of hard to concentrate." He laughed to himself. He made a groaning sound as his back hit the bed.

I sat by him and read about 3 chapters before he said, "that'll do. Thanks, honey."

I got up and moved to the desk, briefly glancing at the front cover, at the main character with his telescope. Far off memories flashed in my brain. I put the book down, turning to face him.

"What are you smiling at, honey?" Grandpa asked, a smile appearing on his own face.

"I just...remember the night you told Jujubee and me about 'the other world'. We haven't stopped talking about it since." I admitted, putting the book back on his desk. "And we'd always play these games like we were there. Our lives would be so different. And just a little bit better."

"And then you found yourself wanting that in reality." Grandpa finished for me.

I was silent, but he knew he was right. "It's not that I didn't appreciate what I already had. It's just...whenever my anxiety was surfacing, or whenever someone was mean in school, or whenever I thought of my parents, I'd just...want to escape." I sat down in the chair next to his bed again, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it reassuringly. "Didn't you ever feel the same?"

Grandpa breathed out a sigh through his nose, his smiling widening. "Brie, of course, I have. All the games you and Juju played, it's called escapism. And it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Wouldn't you ever try to find one?"

"Find what?"

"I don't know. A door? A gateway to the other world?"

He didn't even need to tell me 'yes.' He had spent many years reading the books, sometimes reading them more than once, making notes and coming up with his own theories. He probably felt the same way I did. In darker times, when things didn't feel like they'd get any better, he was curious about his other-self.

I knew the answer was yes. But I liked hearing him talk about these things.

"Baby, it's something I've always wanted to do. I always...wanted to know if it was possible...to slip into that other world, find this house, and just hope and pray my wife would still be on the other side of that door. I'd kiss her hand and bring her back here. And, life would be complete." He confessed. His smile was sweet but also sad, "But you know, with old age comes difficulties. My brain ain't what it used to be. Just all these words. Sometimes, they're...foreign to me."

This was the beginning of a long year. All the signs started out small, usually, Grandpa looking out the window wondering when his wife would come back from the store and losing the ability to read.

And over time, it slowly began to escalate, getting worse with each month. So bad to the point he'd take his seat belt off at a red light and try to get out. Or he'd shout at Mom, saying she's going the wrong way. Every piece of my Grandpa was slipping away.

And it was all taking a toll on my own happiness.

"You look pretty today." Jujubee commented as we walked through the hallway.

"If you say so." That was all I could reply with.

"No, really. Your hair looks really cute like that." She tried again.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I literally pinned two pieces from the front to the back of my head. It was a half-assed attempt of trying to convince everyone I gave a fuck anymore.

"Yeah, right, Juju. I look no better than I did yesterday. Or the day before. And the day before that.

Jujubee paused for a moment, whereas I continued on. "Are you OK?"

I turned to look at her. "Yeah." I lied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

I wasn't ready for this, Jujubee concerns. The truth was I never told her about my Grandpa because then she'd want to talk about it, then I'd cry, then I'd probably go home and have a breakdown, then I'd give Mom more shit to worry about.

Judging from her knit brows, she wasn't buying it. Before she could even ask anything else, I turned back around, just wanting to get on with things and get to my next class on time. But Trevor just had to be there. He knocked me hard on the shoulder, making me drop my books and almost fall to the ground.

He quickly spun around, watching me collect my books. "Man, who put that trash there?"

I glanced at him with a scorn.

"Hey, douchebag," Jujubee stepped in front of Trevor, "I can see you're a little butt-hurt now that your sex life is dryer than a nuns vagina."

My eyes were wide now, knowing that wouldn't sit well.

"What did you fucking say to me?" Trevor raised a brow.

"You heard." Jujubee said with such spite. "Why don't you go rub one out to your Mom or something? Stop projecting all your problems onto my girl?"

Trevor scoffed a laugh. "Your girl? What are you, a couple of dykes?"

My jaw was almost on the ground. I looked around, noting the students observing as they passed by. I couldn't let them know my secret. I couldn't.

"Why? Does that make us all the more interesting?" Jujubee squinted her eyes. "Honey, don't pretend the thought of us 'dykes’ making out doesn't make an insecure guy like you hard."

A sound emitted from my throat - A panicked sound. Like a yell, one that was dragging its way up my throat, fighting to get out. The attention of everyone around was on the situation, since when? I had only become aware now of the sounds of thrill and excitement. I was internally panicking. How many people were there? Were they even looking at me?

"Not in your wildest dreams, honey." Trevor practically spat the last word before deciding he was finished. He turned and walked away.

Jujubee approached me, rolling her eyes. "God, does he know when to quit?"

But I just stared at her, pretty sure I was trembling. My eyes were still wide, and my jaw stiff.

"Brie?" She blinked.

I could feel it, the lump in my throat beginning to form, like a hard stone that was lodged in place. Blinking a few times, I held the books tighter to my chest and turned to walk away.

"Brianna, what the fuck?" Jujubee came after me.

"Juju, just...leave me the fuck alone." My voice cracked as I quickened my pace.

She didn't follow me anymore. Thank fuck. Because next thing I knew, I was in a bathroom cubicle, quietly crying. I stupidly decided to not go to class. I say stupidly because, during the last period, Denali leaned over and told me she thought they suspended me. When I asked why she would even think that, she said the rumours spread fast, that I had punched Jujubee.

Oh, high school drama.

Of course, Jujubee didn't deserve this. She was only doing her friendly duty and looking out for me. But I didn't need any more shit from Trevor. I didn't want all those eyes on me as I walked the corridors. My home life was already too much.

I wanted to hold on to my Grandpa for as long as I could. But seeing his health dwindle, it felt like someone was coming to get him. And no matter how much I wanted to hold on, they were going to take him away no matter what.

Around 7 months in, his immune system was beginning to fail. He was bedridden.

I'd sit with him for at least an hour every day, either reading to him, feeding him, or just having a long talk. I had a tendency to write down at least one sentence from each conversation like it would provide me with some comfort, like he was still there. When in reality he was...he was...

"Why the sad face, baby?"

I snapped out of my trance, blinking a few times as I looked at him. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"What happened? Did someone break your heart?" He asked, following it up with a laugh.

I let myself smile. "No, thank God. I'm just sleepy. I had a long day at school."

"That's a shame. I was gonna suggest we break out the old telescope. I bet we'd find Cassiopeia if we tried hard enough."

My mouth formed a hard line, unsure of how to respond. As much as I wanted so badly to sit out in the garden with him, he wouldn't even be able to make it there.

"You sure you're OK, Brianna?" Grandpa asked.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking." I looked away, studying my nails instead.

"Well, if it's not a heartache, I bet someones caught your eye?" He asked with a smirk.

I couldn't help but allow the corners of my lips to curve up. "Yeah, actually."

"Oooh." He cooed. "And what are they like?"

I thought for a second, debating how I should answer. To be honest or not. If I lied, would it even make a difference?

Looking at his innocent face, I decided fuck it.

"Sweet. Beautiful. The bluest eyes I've ever seen." I paused. "She's an absolute angel."

Grandpa was silent momentarily. But just as the nerves were beginning to surface, he replied, "and does she know how you feel?"

"No."

"Well, why don't you let her know?"

I took a deep breath in. "Because...I don't know if she likes me back. I don't know if she even likes girls."

"All you can do is try."

"It's not that simple," I spoke quietly. "She's...popular. She's beautiful. She's...everything that I'm not."

My eyes drifted to my hands once again. If I cried, would it even matter? Wouldn't he forget?

"Don't say that about yourself, honey." He reached a hand out and put it on mine. "You don't actually believe that, do you?"

I lifted my gaze again, looking at him with glossy eyes. My silence spoke volumes.

"Oh, no, Brianna." He said with such disappointment. "I can't believe you feel that way. Ain't you ever stopped to look at yourself?"

"No," I whispered. "I can't stand it."

"You need to. Because you are prettier than you know." His own eyes were glistening now. "You may not believe me, but someday you're gonna meet someone who will show you."

I dabbed the inner corner of my eye, "You really think that?"

"I know."

"That means a lot." I smiled.

He gave one final pat to my hand and pulled it away. "Do me a favour, honey. Could you get me some juice?"

"Sure."

I stood up and left for the kitchen.

On my way, I passed through the hall, catching a glance at my reflection. Naturally, I would have disregarded it. But I stopped and stood in front of it. And I just looked.

I wasn't immediately satisfied. But upon taking my glasses off, my opinion changed. I learned pretty quickly my eyes were the best from my facial features.

I smiled. Best not. My frown was oddly alluring. I tried smiling again, this time with teeth. But the braces just ruined the mood.

Putting my glasses on again, I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt tiny paws tap my feet. Of course, it was just Piggie. I scooped him up and looked at both of us together.

"God has favourites, Piggie. Take a wild guess out of us two who it is." I looked at his face in the mirror.

He cocked his head, looking at his own reflection like he couldn't figure out what was going on.

I carried on to the kitchen with Piggie still in my arms, poured the juice and made my way back to Grandpa's room.

I pushed open the door with my foot.

Grandpa's head quickly shot up as I walked in.

"Sorry it took so long. I - -"

"Who are you??"

I froze on the spot. "It's me."

"Roberta! Roberta, there's somebody in the fucking house!!"

My brain went into panic mode. I set the juice to the side, put Piggie out into the hall and approached the bed.

He was continuously shouting, thrashing around in the bed as if to escape. I tried grabbing his hands, reassuring him it was me, his Grandchild. We had literally just been talking.

But he only roared over the sound of my voice, trying to fight my hands off him.

"Pop! It's OK!" Mom rushed into the room. "It's just Brianna!"

I took a step back, letting her take control. He stared at me with an intense level of fear. What did he think I was going to do? Who did he think I was?

"Brie, go to your room or something. I'll calm him down." Mom commanded with a crack in her voice.

With a wavered breath, I left. The sounds of his shouts, I couldn't bear it. I had to get away, even for a little bit. I needed out.

I hurried out the front door, stuffing my arms inside my jacket sleeves, and marched down the path. I didn't even look back at the colourful house. I just wandered. Wherever my feet were going to take me, I'd be fine.

In a sense, I felt cruel, like I was selfish. Despite wanting to be around my Grandpa for as long as possible, I couldn't stand moments like these. But you'd think dealing with this for so long would have toughened me up a bit.

Not even in the slightest.

There I was, marching down the street, trying hard not to have an episode. I tried to maintain my breathing, but the fast pace in my step didn't help. My hands were clammy, not that having them in my pockets helped.

Again, I had no idea where I was going. My eyes remained fixated on the ground. Therefore I was oblivious to the person hastily approaching.

"Brianna, Jesus!"

Jujubee now stood in front of me with her hand on my shoulder. I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it.

"I said your name like 5 times, girl." Jujubee dropped her hand. Her eyes looked me up and down, "What happened? You're shaking."

I was?

"I…" I tucked a strand of hair behind my hair, "I need a cigarette or something."

Jujubee dragged me to the bus shelter, sat me down on the ground like we were still children, parking our behinds wherever the fuck we wanted.

Despite the feeling of anxiety burning my insides, I did spark up a cigarette, anything to shift my thoughts from the current state of my family. Just something normal.

"Girl, are you sure that's a good idea right now?" Jujubee was itching to snatch it from my hand and toss it.

Instead, I said, "Jujubee?"

"Yeah?"

Eyes still glued to the ground, I blinked, "This is it. He's dying."

Jujubee didn't even need to ask. She knew about his dementia for months now. I had no choice but to tell her. The stress from it all got too much, and I was becoming more and more irritable. It was unfair to put her through that. I had to tell her everything.

Jujubee shuffled closer, "What happened?"

I couldn't bring myself to even tell her. Words couldn't even begin to describe the feeling. That feeling of just grabbing him by the hand, and running away as far as possible, so this sickness would just leave us alone.

I blew out a long cloud of smoke, closing my eyes as I let my chest deflate.

There was something about this moment in time. 9PM, at the bus shelter, sitting on the cold ground, smoking a cigarette, Jujubee by my side, her hand now in mine. It didn't feel real. None of it did.

Yet this wasn't foreign to me - This bus stop was the same one from my childhood, that day when baby Blair and I hid from the rain. Funny how the younger version of myself thought I was protecting her from her abusive father.

As bad of a time it was, the thought was comforting in the current moment, sitting there with Blair. The only problem I faced those days was my emotional outbursts and the emotional toll they took on my Mom. Oh, how naive I was, completely unaware of how life could get any harder.

Only 3 weeks later, Grandpa was hospitalised, his immune system reaching its lowest point. I visited him every day after school. There were more moments of forgotten memory, but it made it less frightening with Mom by my side.

One day in particular, however, he seemed in better spirits. It was as if the old him was back, just for a few hours.

"I'm going to the soda machine. You want anything, baby?" Mom stood up from her chair, pulling her purse from her bag.

"I'm good." I gave her a gracious smile.

She nodded, taking another look at my Grandpa before she even moved to the door. I could see the reluctance behind her eyes. She did this every time she left the room, no matter where she was going.

My eyes followed her as she left. Grandpa spoke, "Now that she's gone, any update on that girl?" He asked. I looked back in surprise. How he had remembered that was mind-blowing. He continued, "we haven't had a one-to-one conversation in a long time, honey. Give me an update."

I breathed a sigh out, lifting my brows briefly. "Nothing has become of it, no."

"Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose."

I smiled sadly. Easier said than done, Grandpa.

He coughed. "Lord, I'd love a cigarette right about now. Do me a favour, though; please stop smoking."

I wasn't completely shocked. He had noticed on a few occasions that he was down a cigarette. "I will." I wasn't lying. But I wasn't making any promises either.

"Brianna?" Grandpa looked at me now.

"Yeah?" I put my feet up on his bed, leaning back in my chair.

"Promise me one thing?"

"Of course."

His eyes remained on me, and he smiled briefly. "Promise me that you'll find a way to the other world. Could you do that for me?"

I had to admit, It was a huge thing to ask of someone like me. It was terrible to say, but I couldn't help but feel this was sort of selfish. Yes, he was on the brink of death, but how could he expect me to be such a miracle worker.

Instead of protesting, however, I just said, "Sure."

Two days later, he passed away.

I didn't cry at all, vowing that I would remain strong for Mom. I had already had my turn at grieving my own parents. And she was by my side for all of that.

Now it was my turn to be there for her. Throughout the whole funeral, I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders, like she had done for me throughout the years. It was a strange feeling - being the one to take care of her for a change. Her head on my chest, hand squeezing mine, it was just so hard to accept.

I almost thought she was going to crumble when they lowered his casket into the ground.

As I said before, there are two types of people in this world; those who hate the sight of their Mother crying and fucking liars.

Because, even though she was my Mother, she was his little girl. And losing a parent is losing a huge part of your life.

Everyone was invited back to the house after the funeral in the hopes the togetherness would lighten the mood.

Of course, it didn't fix everything, but it did allow us some time to breathe.

"You OK, Brianna?" Aunt Monét asked as I handed her some tea.

"I'm fine." Obviously, that was a lie.

I really did think I was doing everyone a favour by putting up the strong front. Little did I know the toll this would take on my own emotional well being. That whenever Grandpa came up in conversation, I'd run. If only I had realised that sooner.

I was afraid of questions like Monét had asked. So school would be a nightmare. Thankfully I was granted 2 weeks off.

The first week I lay in bed, watching box sets of The X Files. Pretty sure I almost gave myself a bladder infection from just laying there too long.

The second week, I finally decided to stop lying around and be useful. Mom recommended I break out the telescope one night. So I invited Jujubee over. I warned her beforehand that she was not to ask me any concerning questions or treat me any different. Of course, she was different with me. But she didn't ask any questions. We just carried on, looking up at the stars through the telescope.

The same week, I also found myself sitting in his room, feeling his presence very much there with me. So I took to reading his books out loud in the hopes I could keep his spirit entertained.

However, I only became interested in the books myself. I read one book. Then another. And another. And another. Fiction and non-fiction. All based on parallel universes. I couldn't get enough of it.

And reading turned into studying - taking notes, hypothesising, questioning.

And then I got Jujubee interested. Just 4 weeks after beginning, it was more than just a hobby. It was a prospect.

-_-_-_-

2020

"Miss. Caldwell. Miss Caldwell, ma'am."

I snapped back to reality, embarrassed that I had even blacked out at all. You'd think I'd know there were more important things at stake, now that I was in the presence of the Secretary of Defence, at a meeting in the middle of an almost empty hangar. Everyone around me, my team included, were important people. I needed them to believe I was on the same level as they were.

"Yes, the atmosphere of the other world," I said, hoping he would think I was listening.

"We're beyond that point now, actually." The General pointed out, standing with his hands behind his back. I couldn't lie. I felt intimidated by him, what with the uniform and all.

I glanced at his black badge, which matched mine. Did that mean I was a general like him now? Were we even on the same level? 'Cause when I woke up that morning, I tripped over my own feet and almost hit my head off the ground. I couldn't be on this guy's level.

"I asked if this place would be big enough for the construction of the rocket." He asked.

I looked around at the wide space. Yeah, it was huge, but when it came to constructing a rocket, that was all beyond me. Sure, it would probably take a good 3 minutes to walk from one end to the other. But was it high enough? I had no idea what I could even say to this guy. "Yeah, it's good."

I hoped it would be good.

"Then it's yours." He gave a quick smile. It didn't make me feel any less intimidated. He began pointing out different sections of the place, a small lab in one corner, offices in another, along the left wall was a cafeteria, and 4 sets of surprisingly clean bathrooms.

All this space, it was mine. And only an hour after the meeting with the General, we were already shipping equipment over.

"This is wild. You could fit two concert halls in here." Jujubee slipped an arm around my shoulders, the pair of us watching as a truck pulled into the hangar, carrying more gear.

I blew a sigh of relief out through my mouth. "I just can't believe this is happening. Like, why me, of all people? When do good things ever happen like this? Like, didn't I always say 'why do bad things happen to good people?'"

Jujubee laughed, "girl, good things DO happen to you. You have a luxury apartment in New York, you're filthy rich, you're a celebrity." She playfully punched me in the arm.

"Well, you're not wrong." I shrugged.

"You deserve every bit of this." She turned to get a better look at me. "You fought for so long to get people on board with this project. You continued on when people doubted you when they laughed. I think you deserve good things to happen to you."

I smiled bashfully, looking to the ground for a brief moment, "Aw, Juju," looking back to her, she lifted a hand and held my cheek. Naturally, I would have shied away, but not now. At this moment, I absolutely adored this bitch. "I couldn't have done this without you."

"I know. You've told me." She pinched my cheek before looking away.

Her hand fell by her side, so I took it in mine. "No, really. You think I would have continued without you here? You remember all those times I wanted to give up? All the times you called me out on my bullshit?"

"Hey, somebody had to do it." She shrugged in return yet swung my hand.

"That's very true." I looked at her for a moment longer. Only now did I notice the way her lashes fluttered when she blinked, how cute that was.

Her eyes moved around the large space again. "Think we could fit a Starbucks in here?"

I pulled my gaze away from her, also having another look around. "Girl, you could fit fucking 10 Starbucks in here." I raised a brow in her direction then. "Should I?"

She laughed as she continued to swing my hand like we were just children again. Honestly, that's what I felt like; A small child in her own Kingdom.