#every thinks im making a big deal for no reason but im really upset

[motherforthefamicom]

instead of going straight to playing the game ive never played before like a normal person i played thru a bit of the dtp remake to see all the little changes for myself and im . really mad at myself for doing that becuz the remake is genuinely grtting on my nerves every little change feels like a massive downgrade or actively making the experience worse and i feel like the changes that i dont like will carry over to the other remake which i really really dont want becuz i have literally no other ways of playing klonoa 2 besides this and the last thing id want is to have a bad experience with it =(

[mxqdii]

angst to fluff matt sturniolo but he's stubborn about talking it out with reader so it lasts long to the point where reader gets frustrated yk? maybe this is too specific 😭 also if u do this, do it however!!

did you mean it? - m.s

pairings: matt sturniolo x reader

summary: matt accidentally says "i love you" and just pretends it never happened, leaving the reader sad and conflicted.

warning(s): angst, confession, crying? (idk help 😭)

"this is why i fell in love with you" he says and i freeze

he loves me?

i look at him, blank expression on my face

(which is definitely not how my mind is reacting)

his face turns bright red

"you-" i start but get interrupted

"i didn't mean it like that" he says and i feel my heart drop

"oh, okay.." i say, almost in a whisper

my heart just shattered into a million pieces. matt, my boyfriend, the love of my life, doesn’t mean it like that.

we continue making dinner, the awkward silence filling the room.

suddenly nick and chris come downstairs, and for some reason i'm actually thankful for it.

they start talking to us but my mind is elsewhere, maybe it's my fault. i mean, i didn't say it back fast enough which could've caused matt to second guess, or he just didn't mean it, or-

"y/n you there?" nick says and i snap out of my thoughts

"yeah! yeah im here.." i say with a dry tone and a short smile

i'm too upset to be cheerful right now.

we finish making dinner and finish eating, which is when me and matt decide to watch a movie.

throughout the film, i noticed how matt started acting like nothing happend

i hate it.

i feel like we should at least talk about it, or like.. mention it again?

maybe it wasn't that big of a deal

maybe i should let it go

or maybe, matt is being stubborn.

"matt" i say, abruptly

"yes love?" he says and i feel shivers go down my spine

do i really wanna ruin this? now?

i just am so in my head i cannot leave things like that.

"i- uh.." my words get caught in my throat and i feel like i can't get out what i wanna say

maybe it's for the better.

"i'm gonna go, home- yeah." i say

"oh, okay." he answered

i quickly grab my keys and jacket, saying bye to nick and chris, then giving matt a quick hug and immediately leaving.

fuck fuck fuck, what do i even do.

i get home and feel a sense of lonliness, emptiness fill me.

i can't help but burst into tears

i messed up

i don't know why my mind immediately went to it being my fault, i guess that's just my instinct, matt was actually the one who noticed i always assumed things were my fault, so he would always reassure me thing's weren't.

after that whole situation earlier though, things are different this time.

the thought of matt makes me cry harder.

minutes pass, then hours, and suddenly its been a day.

it's currently 10pm, the last time i heard from matt was yesterday, when i left his house actually..

i've been crying all day just watching TV

i am a mess.

suddenly i get a knock on the door

i wipe my tears, running to the bathroom to make sure my nose and eyes arent red anymore (which thankfully arent)

i look fine, i look like i've been fine.

perfect.

i run back to the door, quickly opening it, knowing i've kept whoever waiting long enough

matt.

i go speechless, like, i literally don't have the words, and even if i did, i'm not sure what i'd say.

"you're a mess" he says, breaking the silence

"i'm not a mess" i exclaim and he looks down with a laugh

"i can tell you've been crying" he adds on, confirming his 'i'm a mess' comment.

fuck, this boy knows me too well.

i open the door wider, gesturing him to come in.

"so.. why are you here.." i ask and he turns around to face me

"because i'm stubborn and you're frustrated." he replies, causing me to look at him in confusion

"i've never lied to you, until last night. i do love you y/n, i should've said it but i just- i couldn't. and then i got scared and tried to ignore it, causing me to be distant. but every second we didn't talk i was thinking about it- i was thinking about you."

all this information is too much for my slow brain to process

"so you- you meant it? you love me?" i repeat and he steps closer to me

"yes y/n, i love you" he states and i smile

he puts his hands on my waist and kisses me

we pull away, still inches away from eachother

"i love you too matt."

TAGLIST:

@strniolo @stargirlv0id @annaisabookworm

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Something that I couldn't put into words but now I can about the Chaggie conflict in "Rosie" and one other reason it hurt: Charlie questioning Vaggie's loyalty. Yes, I know it wasn't because of Vaggie's origin but because of the lie itself but still hurts and clearly hurt Vaggie - she has been nothing but loyal and honest in Charlie's dream and has only ever done 1 lie in all of that. And when it's revealed, Charlie is now questioning everything - Again, I understand but it still hurts. And I know this might be redundant, I WANT this moment to come back again in S2. I don't know how but I want Vaggie to admit how angry/hurt it made her that Charlie questioned the loyalty she has given without asking for anything. What do you think?

i don't think Vaggie was even slightly angry with Charlie until her girlfriend made a magically binding pact with an unrepentant serial killer the second Vaggie wasn't looking XD

......we're asking a bit much by expecting the woman who hates and judges herself over her own mass murderer past... to then be upset that her girlfriend was also hurt and angry about that and reacted badly to randomly having all that dropped out of the clear blue sky in the middle of an already terrible day...

so in that ep got the vibe Vaggie spent the entire time feeling sick and guilty over the whole thing tbh. As usual

(and her feeling very very not good about seeing Alastor getting all creepy mentor with a Charlie who just got a wedge driven between her and her main emotional support- im 100% sure Vaggie's "Charlie can we talk-?" following Alastor's "good girl" thing was her wanting to know EXACTLY what deal her gf just made with Alastor and what the hell she was thinking and charlie are you sure Vaggie can't just stab him a little as a warning-)

But Vaggie, she's also not really uh. Not got a good track record of wanting or letting Charlie know about her feeling bad about stuff, emotions wise. Even when Charlie is right next to her reaching out. That's not her thing???

ah what the hell tangent time

like one big reason Vaggie DIDN'T fess up her past to Charlie was her being scared Charlie would be hurt by it and actually hate her for having done that, because Vaggie is being hurt by her past and hates herself for having it (re: every time she's called angels like herself deranged), so even though the blackmail against her made NO real sense and Adam's threat was just him not understanding that someone (charlie) could ACTUALLY believe in redemption for LITERALLY anyone (she does), it still pinged Vaggie's fear right in the heart, making the stuff like how Charlie is letting a known serial killer live in the hotel and help out with her and Vaggie's dream go RIGHT out the window-

(to be fair from Vaggie's pov there's probably a BIG difference between ending someone's mortal life on Earth (a la normal sinner seral killers) and presumably destroying their entire soul forever (re: exorcists) so like, that's kinda fair, but it still doesn't include how Charlie is WILLING TO WORK WITH AND THINK THE BEST OF HEAVEN AND THE EXORCISTS ANYWAY which is WHY she thought going to heaven to talk with them could work in the first place)

(to be extra fair it doesn't MATTER how much Vaggie trusts Charlie bc Vaggie had body parts ripped off and her eye permanently gouged out and was abandoned in hell by someone ELSE she use to trust once and THAT means really trusting people not to hate or abandon her is gonna take her putting some more blame on Adam and Lute and co and less on herself, because as long as she focuses on what SHE did (murderer) to make all this happen TO herself (filth like you doesn't deserve-) she's never gonna fully get that what happened to her was a choice shit people made (let's exterminate ppl for fun! let's rip off our comrade's wings and eye without hesitation!!!), one they didn't have to make, one she didn't make for them- meaning non-shit people like Charlie probably won't do that to her, actually, bc people like Charlie will care about Vaggie as a person outside of her being useful or being exactly what is wanted. Like how Charlie was more worried about Vaggie at the end of ep 3 than anything else and wouldn't let Vaggie blame herself and was fine with things being hard as long as she and Vaggie could face them together. Like how Charlie was calmed in the More Than Anything reprise not by Vaggie promising to fix everything but by Vaggie saying Charlie is important and wonderful to HER)

if anything Vaggie might be upset if she found out Charlie had less of a problem with the Exorcist thing than with the lying thing

If you (Vaggie) think you still need to EARN redemption, then having someone say your sins don't bother them so much can ironically make you panic and either think they're lying to you OR it can make you worry you've downplayed what you've done and are somehow tricking the person you love into believing you're a better person than you actually are and therefor might be taking advantage of them, which of course you don't want to do because you love them, which is a pretty big contradiction you probably won't notice is there

Sooooo i could see Vaggie spiraling into something like THAT but,

her be angry at Charlie for being upset over the thing Vaggie hates about herself? the mental health levels aren't good enough for that one yet XD

basically both Vaggie and Charlie got to live through the very fun experience of being trapped in your own head and trauma

anyway, the fact that Charlie didn't ask or want or LET Vaggie do an apology for any of that at the hotel gates says more than enough for me, for both of them. Just like with Vaggie putting her own fear and self-loathing onto Charlie, most of Charlie's pain in that ep didn't come from Vaggie's past or Vaggie's lie.

I've said Charlie's bad at figuring out what she's feeling and ep 7 is where it really bit her in the ass- she got hit with an identity crisis (turns out the one person who always believes in her didn't trust her enough to tell her this) (this on top of the epic fail of their shared dream to save sinners from extermination and the looming destruction of the hotel that represents that dream) and trauma trigger (what if Vaggie lied about all of that too, what if she never really loved or had faith in Charlie, what if Charlie is going to be alone again) without understanding that's what was going on or that it was something coming from herself as much as from Vaggie.

Being away from Vaggie didn't reduce Charlie's stress during that ep, it made it worse, until Rosie had to yoink her in for an emergency counseling session. Before that Charlie vents about how she told Vaggie everything and shared everything with her (the exorcist thing gets a TINY throwaway mention it is NOT the focus here) and when you add the lie revelation to how Vaggie asked to be alone on the roof in ep 3 instead of letting Charlie be there for her, it stops being about ONE lie TO Charlie, and turns into YEARS of lies ABOUT Charlie's place in Vaggie's life.

Which was terrifying and painful and... went away the MOMENT Charlie realized Vaggie did actual love her and believe in her, and was not actually going to leave her.

If actions mean more than words then their reunion at the hotel gates is them both saying the only thing either of them want to hear- I missed you, i love you, i want to be with you. Here's this horrible souvenir i picked up for your while we were on opposite sides of town and thanks babe im gonna fling myself into your open arms about it.

Vaggie hates herself too much to feel like Charlie owes her an apology for being hurt and angry at the Exorcist lie. It was a pretty big thing to keep hidden

i mean murder aside, Charlie had no idea Vaggie's opinions and advice about heaven was from personal experience, she probably assumed it was just normal sinner bias against the people who kill sinners and not, you know, Vaggie secretly dissing on how terrible her former boss and co-workers used to be. Maybe Charlie would've approached the talking to heaven differently if she'd known. Maybe she would've tried strangling Lute's hologram in ep 1. we will sadly never know

we DO know that Vaggie ran to hug Charlie right after the secret was revealed, which means Vaggie was mainly worried about Charlie being hurt by it, which doesn't really leave a lot of room for Vaggie to be upset at Charlie when Charlie does turn out to be hurt by it

so Vaggie wanting an apology from Charlie? I see her more wanting a very, very, VERY long hug

but if Charlie ever tries giving an apology anyway (a la the balcony scene in ep 3), that might just freak Vaggie out and fuck her up with "oh no my gf doesn't understand how bad the things i've done are am i tricking her am i using her would she be better off without me" issues for the foreseeable future ^w^;

[daydadahlias]

What’s your stance on the Ashton hate right now?

ok so i've gotten a few asks abt this now and i will concede and answer this one because i love the insinuation here that I can have a stance like I'm a politician or smthn <3 thank u for voting and for this platform <3

I'm also going to take the opportunity to say this is entirely my stance, not what i think everyone should believe or i think is the "right" perspective or blah blah yada yada disclaimer disclaimer. no one come at me saying I'm forcing my beliefs on you. you catch my drift. if you disagree with me, that's your prerogative and i frankly just don't care very much.

that being said <3 lock in for a jessay <3

if we're being entirely honest, I think people in the modern age - especially twitter users - actively seek out reasons to be upset. they crave drama like bees crave honey. especially when it comes to ashton tbh. the man can't breathe right without people claiming he's being problematic so I don't put a lot of stock in general in anyone's opinions of him but my own, especially bc I'm in fandom for my own enjoyment, not for anyone else's !! so it doesn't much matter to me what they think of him. i don't value their opinions!

if you'll notice, fandom is a lot about curating your own special little bubble and here on tumblr, literally no one is talking shit about ashton that i follow. it's literally just on twitter that I've seen any hate because twitter is a cesspool filled with chronically online social justice warrior bullshit :) and there's a reason I'm not on there often.

i think hate like this is just point-blank stupid because, as I've said before and I will say again, cancel culture is fucking fake ! it is literally not real and it is invented by people who have miserable sad little lives and want to self-impose their issues and hypocritical views onto others to pretend that they're doing good in the world when, in reality, they're making it that much worse!!

now, don't get me wrong, i really don't mind someone saying to their fave, "hey, this thing you said was hurtful for X reason, maybe you could consider that in the future :)" but I've already seen people saying ashton should kill himself sdfghjk so ! i don't care much for any opinion they have because they undermine their own arguments by telling people to spread kindness by spreading cruelty. it's frankly moronically hypocritical and embarrasses me every time i go online and see it.

as for the actual reason ashton's getting hate right now, i don't personally think it's as big a deal as people pretend it is. and this is getting into my own personal perspectives of things and please feel free to disagree with me on this because i know it's a Hot Take, but i can believe and support victims while simultaneously thinking that anonymous twitter allegations are mostly bullshit.

all allegations against All Time Low were entirely anonymous from a twitter user with no evidence/support/timeline (and, yeah, a random user said there were "97 allegations" but when people asked where she got that number from, she literally admitted she made it up and deactivated her account. but that didn't stop people from just fucking running with the number) and when ATL threatened to press charges for defamation, all of a sudden this anon user disappeared with no further comment. but twitter went wild - as it often does - and completely exaggerated all the actual information given.

twitter spreads misinformation like a disease. that's just the truth. and im certainly not saying all allegations that originate on twitter are fake because they aren't but i am saying that people online need to support victims at the same time that they actually start thinking critically about things. twitter acts like it's "guilty until proven innocent" instead of the other way around.

that being said, i don't personally support ATL because i didn't listen to their music before so this doesn't affect me and - if there is the chance they're abusers, i don't really want to listen to them. But that doesn't mean i tell people to turn them off if they like them or something, or tell them to stop being fans. because it doesn't affect me and i, frankly, just don't care. people need to learn that supporting the artist and supporting the art are two totally different things. you can listen to a song you like without knowing every allegation the artist has ever faced. also, if we stopped listening to every song made by a problematic artist, I'm afraid there would be very little music left.

that's where this brings me to the fact that people are throwing around insane accusations like that ashton supports rapists which is a fucking insane thing to say about a) people who arent even confirmed/charged rapists and b) over the fact he literally just played a song by them? he was DJ-ing for an emo/pop punk night? people would have been shocked if he hadn't played All Time Low??

also, I'm sorry but are you going to boycott every single person and establishment that plays one of the biggest pop-punk bands ever?? if you walk into a store and hear it playing All Time Low, will you never shop there again?? where is the line drawn?

and finally, the whole thing pisses me off because people use it as an excuse to say that they stand with victims and that ashton is actively harming victims by playing All Time Low when, I'm sorry, but no the fuck he's not ?? and, in my opinion, this is actually does MORE harm to victims than it does good? it's all just performative crap to make yourself look "woke".

and, excuse me, but what have you actually done to genuinely fucking support victims other than tell some random rich man who you don't fucking know that he should kill himself for DJing at an emo night?? using all this time to "cancel" Ashton Irwin's privileged cishet male ass could have been spent actually raising awareness about rape or helping actual real life fucking people in your community? this level of vitriol doesn't help anyone. it's pathetic.

this is just my real problem with the internet in general is that people act like hate inspires kindness and education when it does the exact opposite.

so, that being said, i just think the hate against ashton is small-minded and embarrassing. it doesn't mean anything at all. and I'm going to keep enjoying tumblr where people aren't pathetically insane (they're funny insane) and we can just learn how to fucking enjoy things because the world is too ugly right now to not find beauty in SOMETHING, goddammit! i am in fandom to have fun. not listen to people bitch and moan about their uninformed, damaging views of what social justice is.

and i will also spend my time in my real life genuinely supporting victims of assault and abuse instead of just pretending i do on fucking fandom social media.

[ghostismybbygorl]

Okay heres how id vibe with cod characters

First off i think my call sign would be 'mouse'

Bc im small i can scurry around places pretty quick and i can escape out of a situation fast as well that or cause i sneeze like a mouse

Id be a sniper and demolition expert ngl

Price

Legit i would call him dad 24/7 not like in a daddy kind of way but like legit a father figure

he'd just roll his eyes and accept the fact that he has another kid he has to take care of

100% would smoke a cigar with him though id smoke those tiny cigarillos (my brother smokes cigars and ill smoke a little with him)

Gift giving is my love language so whenever id visit a new country id buy him a cigar from there

I have a hat like his and i WILL wear it around and mimick him

Id do the grunts and everything

I feel like id be on more missions with him than anyone else

Definitely would hang out in his office to keep him company and annoy the shit out if him

Soap

Dont let anyone near us

Like

AT ALL

wed be doing diabolical shit especially since im an arsonist and free will plus military grade explosives plus mouse and soap. have the fire department on speed dial

We'd be the reason price is greying faster

100% stealing his shirts and hoodies they'd be so big on me

Im gonna be up front with this one

We'd be fucking. I'm down bad for this man

We'd annoy the absolute piss out of ghost. He can handle one soap but TWO hes gonna need the backpack leashes for us

Quoting vines and tiktoks ON THE DAILY

Jam seshes in the car would be 100% perfect

We'd have a snap streak and its only stupid photos we take

Im recording everything he does i know damn well hes always in a silly goofy mood

Definitely in the blunt rotation

He's definitely the type to find my snack rations and eat them in front of me

Lots of hugs and kisses for this man

Except when he eats my snacks

Wed play fight all the time. When i'm really close with someone ill start "beating them up" (just be faking to fight you)

Ghost

Oh this poor poor man

Have sympathy on him because he's going to try to avoid every ounce of my being

And i wont stop that

Im giving him hugs left and right this man needs some love

I feel like once i start cracking dark humor jokes he'd open up to me

100% would be making the most absurd worst dad jokes and laughing about it

We'd text on the daily mostly just me sending him memes and him sending a 👍🏻or a 👎🏻

Im stealing his hoodies and his masks

Id probably piss him the fuck off to be honest

Id give him so many gifts to make him happy i know he crinkle's his eyes when he smiles

In the blunt rotation too but i think he'd just join for the company and not smoke that much

Id be over in his room if im overstimulated and i don't want to deal with people

Id have him proof read my fanfiction and he'd be my personal dictionary cause i cant spell for shit

Gaz

Did i say big brother vibes cause HE WILL BE MY BIG BROTHER

Id steal his hat so many times but like not in the ride a cowboy kind of way

Id buy him the most ridiculous hats and he will 100% wear them

I feel like he was a spondgebob kid so i know damn well we'll be quoting some of the lines

Part of the blunt rotation as well

When I'm upset he's the one id rant to

Definitely would vibe in a room without talking to him in general

He's most definitely the one to keep me from being unhinged

Totally would listen to murder podcasts together

So at my previous job we had to wear full body harnesses and we played this game called the carabiniere game where you take a carabiniere and hook it on to someone without them knowing and you see who can put the most on them

Soap, gaz, and i would be playing it 100% all the time with each other.

Id also grab them by the harness and pull them around or clip myself to them

Let me get a video from my old job and just put em here and id just explain

Okay back to writing

Laswell

Once again id call her mom and she's just gonna have to deal with it

Id definitely spend time with her outside of work (especially since she lives in maryland my family lives up there) which gives me more of a reason to visit her lol

Shopping sprees i feel like she's a frequent shopper at tj maxx and target

I also feel like she gives the best life advice so id come calling if im in a predicament

Okay so i am partially fluent in spanish, my god mother and best friend are Mexican so I've been around Mexican culture the majority of my life

Alejandro

definitely calls me niña or cariño

I feel like he'd roast my spanish and doesn't correct me if i say something wrong

100% my drinking buddy

I feel like he'd be very protective over me

Id be his date (platonically) and hed be mine to all the family gatherings

Fucking Mexican families are so much fun too. party my tia throws one and im there two shots of tequila in my hand listening and damcing to music

We'd text on the daily i feel like he'd frequently visit me and my family in the south as well he'd be the life of the party at my tia's parties

Rudy

He's the one that corrects my spanish and WILL only speak spanish to me until I understand whst he's saying

Insert him pointing to a random object and says it in spanish

I feel like we wouldnt bond much but we would you know?

I also feel like he gives great life advice

Graves

Id kick him in the balls

He's the type of guy i avoid or ruin his reputation

Absolutely despise him

Completely roast that motherfucker

Drop kick him

He pisses me off so much

Gives off leo and cancer energy

OHOHOHOHHH AND AT THE BETRAYAL SCENE DONT GET ME STARTED

Id 100% try to fight him even before Alejandro would

Tbh id probably get killed by one of his shadows bc of it

König

Sweet babe i would help him through an axiety attack

PIGGY BACK RIDES FOR SURE

id hug him every-time i see him

Definitely would say uppies and have him put me on his shoulders

He definitely wont see me at all ( im 5'4) so he would definitely have to crouch down to see me

His nickname would be bear cause of how big he is

I feel like when he'’s comfortable around you he’s very out going

I have no clue how to speak german but i will act like i do

He's in the blunt rotation as well

Thats all i got for now 😊

[compassionatereminders]

hi it’s the lonely anon that was expressing frustration abt how i react when my partner responds to me being upset;

to the people who commented on it i just wanted to say he’s not like that about everything. it’s right that using my own name as a way to identify a ‘negative’ trait is unkind and unfair to me. i’m gonna talk to him about that in depth— thank you to the person who’d mentioned that! i never could identify why it felt so upsetting or made me feel like such a child.

he really is a lovely wonderful person who’s made me feel beautiful & who’s been my safe place through a lot. he thinks im awesome, and beautiful, and smart as hell. almost every morning he makes me breakfast and every time i am being quiet or sad he’ll spin me around until i laugh. every time i get dressed he says “wow!” like it’s the first time he’s ever seen me. he’s a big reason why i have finally been able to admit that i am smart, and why i’m doing so much better.

we’ve been together almost 3 years and he’s expressed that he’s exhausted and hurt by how much i hate on myself. hearing the person you love constantly talk shit about themselves is heartbreaking and hard to deal with. i think part of this loop and why he can’t empathize any more is because i am so quick to assign myself the blame for every bad thing. i can’t expect anyone to not be exhausted from hearing me describe myself so poorly when to them i’m nothing like that. i’m trying to become better, but it’s still really difficult to love myself on my own.

empathy is a skill that’s sorely under taught, and he’s working on it as much as i’m working on my anxiety and negativity with it. we’ve come a long way together, but our lives were very different! it’s okay that things sometimes don’t mesh. not saying it’s ok to make your partner feel dismissed or unheard or turn their name into something negative, but everything’s multifaceted. i love him so fucking much.

i just needed to get my side of it out because it’s still hard and i’ve been holding onto it for so long that i just wanted someone to say i’m not crazy to feel this way. there’s always a bigger picture, and i’m thankful for different perspectives! i still maintain how i felt, but i can recognize my part in it too.

thank you for being so kind kat. i really hope i can see things the way you do & again thank you for hosting this blog. it’s so important to me and i’m sure a lot of other people too. <3

I am really happy and relieved to hear that there are also a lot of positive aspects to this relationship, and being frustrated with a partners self hatred isn't inherently toxic. But once it moves from communicating needs and boundaries to refusing to engage with your partners emotional struggles at all, then that's something which should be worked on. And part of that work is on you, if you do have a pattern of self hatred and irrational paranoia which is hurting your loved ones. But you having mental health struggles which are hard for him to deal with does not mean that he gets to dismiss your pain and emotions. Like you gotta look for a middle ground where both of you are working to find ways to make this situation more manageable for both of you

[dykeomania]

im just curious cause i remember when you used to make posts about seeing her and everything seemed happy and light but now seeing that she did yo dirty? tell all please

im gonna answer this one and then that's gonna be the end of that i think.

disclaimer: i am not trying to make anyone look any kind of way. i am actually just telling you what happened.

the tell-all.

there was a recurrent issue in our relationship where we literally just would not hang out enough. which is insane, considering that we were extremely long distance. we would text everyday but it was something like once a week/once every two weeks or more until we would facetime, play a game together, call, or do literally anything. it was rare that things got out of that grey area. it feels like the one thing that actually had time made out for it was sexting, which i still don't know how i feel about.

i often initiated a lot of the hangouts but it got a point where i just stopped extending that hand because i felt like it wasn't being reciprocated after time and time and time of me communicating to her in multiple states of consciousness actually (while i was crying, while i was calm, while i was upset) and time and time and time of her promising me that she'd do better and do this and this and this. i vividly remember sitting in a staircase on the phone with her and telling her how i didn't wanna break up with her because of this, but it was such a big problem, and she sat there and told me all about how she didn't want to break up with me either and how she was so upset that it'd made me feel that way, and then she promised me she'd do better. this kind of interaction would happen at least four times after that. she would maybe do better for like a week or two, and things would fall off again shortly thereafter.

before i continue, i want to make something abundantly clear. i understand that long distance relationships are not easy. they are work, and they require consistency that not a lot of people are used to and can keep up with. however, this girl was a) telling me that she really loved me and shit and that i deserved to be treated this way and this way and this way [huge for me and she knew that, because i do not have a very good relationship history and i was very open with her about that] b) begged me to be in this relationship in the first place, so i figured that she would put a little more effort into it. but really, it felt like once she had me, things never extended past a certain vantage point for all of the 9/10 months that we dated. i felt really frustrated because not only i was sacrificing time while i was doing school and dealing with work, but i also sacrificed a lot to be in this relationship with her. her excuse for not making time for me (despite having a lot of it on her hands compared to me, actually) was that she was "unpracticed," in a relationship in general (...). irregardless of how i feel about that excuse, i feel like i gave her nothing but space and opportunity to practice during our relationship and she hardly ever took it. it really did hurt me knowing that i was putting a lot of work into this relationship and that i was sacrificing a lot against the wits of so many people who were lowkey telling me that i should just break up with her, and half the time she couldn't even make the effort or the time to just like, call me after i've said i wanted her to maybe 7 million times. i gave her a lot of grace. i don't see a reason any longer to continue to give her that grace.

let's talk about new york city.

other than being very sexual, the throughline consistency throughout our entire relationship was her really really really wanting to go to new york city. she had a very romanticized idea of nyc coming from someone who was sheltered in like a british town, and it was a whole thing. this led to us planning a trip to nyc together. i was never particularly overenthused about the idea bc that's like right around the corner from me, but she would say things to me like "when i come see you we wont have this problem anymore" and "things will be different because im gonna come see you [this often] after nyc" etc etc etc. i never fully bought into believing them, but a part of me did at some point and it felt like going to nyc would mark a hopeful transition in our relationship. and nyc was fun. but during that trip, she also realized that all of her romances about nyc were not.. true. and that she actually didn't want to live here anymore (because she wanted to move to nyc, which.. probably wasn't really gonna happen regardless but anyway -- i never fully bought into that either).

i remember that i felt very close to her in nyc to the point where i was laying on her and i started crying to her because i was fearful that things were going to go back to the way that they were and i was very clear about that. for like 15th millionth time, she promised me that it would not be that way and we would do this and we would do that and she would do this and she would do that. school started for me after that trip, and we went genuinely an entire month without calling or facetiming. you can guess the reason why.

i brought it up to her super casually, which transpired into a conversation about her "being lazy in our relationship" -- her words, not mine --, which then transpired into us getting on a facetime call and her white woman tearsing me and telling me about how she loved me but the distance was this and this and this and "how she thought that the distance has taken its toll,"

this is after months of me vocalizing a fear to her that she would just end shit or leave me after going to nyc and me being like "well what if this doesn't work," / "i dont feel like its gonna work [in general]", and her telling me that i was self-sabotaging. this is after months of me expressing all of the discontent that she said to me. and then the conversation turned into us breaking up, which i was really upset about so we "tried to give it another try" (she was overcompensating for like 2 weeks and it didn't feel right, i didn't trust her) and then we officially called it. and i think the last thing that was very insightful for me was during our official breakup, she was interested in remaining friends. personally, i wasn't. but not only did she begin to a) make the same promises that she did to me about hanging out together and playing games together and what not, but she also b) told me that she "wasn't ready for me to go" (meaning that i was like... essentially only allowed to part ways with her when she was ready for it, everything considered) and how she still wanted to keep in contact wit me because i was "fun." she also begged me to not openly talk about things.

i unfollowed her on everything once i got off the phone with her and idk why but the body does tell you a lot and it did feel like a massive release of tension left me the second i was no longer officially single and it was what it was, but that i cut off that point of being cyclically disappointed again and again and again, all over again

in summary: i was very apprehensive going into this relationship and many people can attest to that. i was coming from a very rough place and i did not know how to be a good partner, but i was willing to learn for her, and i think i did a good job everything considered. i did definitely have my moments, and when i say that i don't mean like i'm sedona, i just have issues with emotional vulnerability and she was never really there for me or made a concerted effort to extend a hand other than being like "well lmk how i can help" and i oftentimes couldn't entertain that. but otherwise, i sacrificed a lot to be with her. i sacrificed my time for her, and i told her to not waste my time (she promised she wouldn't, and she did. because it's not like we dated for 3 months, this was almost a year of repeated behavior). i sacrificed $2,000+ for her. i sacrificed so much emotional energy for her. and half the time i really don't think she even sacrificed time for me, and it feels like once she got what she wanted out of me, i was no longer of use to her.

that's it, and except it's not. but that is the gist. there are some other things she did and said but i think this covers a lot of ground.

trust your gut. don't date people you meet on tumblr.

[cecelianonymous22]

Okay i had to talk about this

So

Final fest just got announced a few hours ago

Squid sisters and oth look fire, more pearlina, new amiibos, the setting looks really cool and i like the visual of your inkfish being covered in ink splotches

However

The Splatfest theme has me concerned

Past vs present vs future

Now obviously present isn't going to win so its essentially just past vs future

Why is this concerning to me?

Im big into lore alright, i know almost every piece of lore (except about the bands), that kind of thing

I think no matter which side wins, I feel like its going to be really regressive going into the next game. For past, quite literally. it would probably be a load of retconning like Alterna was. But for future, i also feel like it would 1) mess with some sort of continuity or 2) just be really poorly executed

Which ties into another reason why im nervous about this last fest: the Splatoon devs most likely have in mind what side they want to win, and if that team doesn't win, we'll end up with a weird half-in half-out game like Splatoon 3

Let me explain

Chaos vs Order was HUGE

It was a big deal for a lot of different reasons, but everyone knew it would decide the fate of the next game.

I firmly believe that the Splatoon team wanted Order to win. Genuinely. Possibly they expected Order to win. So when Chaos won, they had to scrape together concepts and make the next game

Which leads Splatoon 3 to having (in my opinion) an uninspired main hub (whose chaos elements are rarely explored) and uninteresting idols (who i love but they feel so shallow to me compared to the other idols)

I think it's likely Alterna was meant to be the order-oriented story mode. Because if you remove the tutorial area, there's nothing "chaotic" about 3's campaign. The pristine, high-tech stages complete with an AI main character all scream Order.

Dont get me wrong, I think it's narratively fitting that Mr Grizz, the only one of three neutral parties in chaos vs order, is the antagonist of the most thematically ambiguous campaign.

But to have an entire order-esc campaign AND TO HAVE SIDE ORDER (which i could go on another probably controversial rant about) feels kind of redundant, and i to this day am upset that we didn't see more chaos elements beyond the hub, idols, and ig you could count the salmon run plotline? Idk man

Anyway, what im saying is im worried a potential Splatoon 4 would have the same sort theme confusion, where we wouldn't be able to just explore the aspect of the team that won and then maybe wait for DLC—we'd have a weird blend of the two that try telling their stories at the same time and end end up being ultimately underwhelming.

And lemme just say, this isnt hate, these are scattered thoughts ive been marinating on for a while because i love the Splatoon franchise. Its one of my special interests and ive been playing since the original. But theres so much i just straight up dont like about Splatoon 3 that im worried will continue in a sequel

I dont want to spark controversy, just constructive conversation. Be aware that it is 3 AM at the time of me writing all of this and its completely a train of thought type thing. I can get my thoughts together in the morning if anyone wants but yeah, im just worried

[empyreasheart]

I RETURN WITH MORE QUESTIONS. and one topic on my mind. xion xion xion xion xion xion XION shes so interesting and your hcs are always so good do you have any about her or the sea salt trio in general. i miss them so much (also i know you have work to do sorry if this is a distraction from it!! feel free to leave this ask for later)

IM FREEE WHICH MEANSSS I CAN TALK ABOUT MY DEAR DEAR XION!!!! no joke i have been thinking about her all day.

first off i LOVEEE xion so much. whenever i see her get attention and love im so happy. when i see her i have a habit of going "XIONNNN" super loudly.

im putting this under a read more cuz its gotten super long oops

my xion headcanons... well first of all i love every reading of her character as a trans allegory & how people intepret her as either trans or nonbinary! i dont think it was done on purpose but shes been claimed by the commjnity and im so happy about it. transfem xion my beloved. second of all shes autistic TO ME but honestly everyone in soras heart hotel is so thats a given. third of all give me xion with big dark brown eyes or give me death!

what id like to see explored in future games / i fanwork: her identity! we see roxas's frustration and anger about being his own person plenty but we hardly see xion upset at her predicament. i think this is because she wants to do the right thing, not because shes okay with the situation. i really want to see xion's feelings about not having her own identity explored, given that everything about her is based on either sora or his memories of kairi and she was basically created in a lab as a tool for organization 13. she should feel weird about existing in the first place, especially next to roxas and naminé, who dont have the same history behind their creation

in addendum to that, i want to see xions character design change to something more unique. she already has a new outfit, but id love to see her have a new hairstyle (whether she grows it out or just puts it up) so she has something different than a mirror of kh1 kairi's hair. i think ive also mentioned that i think itd be interesting if xion had her own eye color after kh3 (side note its bullshit we never got to see her norted eyes in kh3. she shouldve played a bigger role in the story too but thats another rant) to symbolize that shes her own person now, not a puppet meant to copy sora. lastly she !!! deserves !!! her own keyblade!!! there's so many cool keyblades from days to choose from & theres the weapons from her boss fight - theres no reason for her to still be using the kingdom key and i really hope she gets her own soon.

i keep thinking about what you said about xion not being another "nice" girl character and im like... so true. i dont think xion would be mean i want to go about it in a way that doesnt completely rewrite her character but i think exploring how she copes with her past w/ both organizations & her identity & trauma would be interesting, especially with how it parallels to naminé's own way of coping and dealing with her own trauma. theyre like Shy vs introverted to me lmfao i think xion tries to be friendly but overall she prefers to stay close to the people she feels safe around. i want to see xion be rude but in the autism way where she doesnt mean it shes just not aware. and stuff like that i guess. this paragraph was just word vomit my bad

THE SEA SALT TRIO... theyre seriously the family of all time i love them so much. ill just focus on xion here because this is already super long. BUT AXEL LOVES XION SO MUCH IT MAKES ME SICK THEYRE NOT TALKED ABOUT ENOUGH.. the implication that lea subconsciously keeps his coat on in kh3 so xion (and roxas) can recognize him makes me so emotional. also the fact that lea just clicks with kairi because she also holds a part of xion inside her... AND WHEN HE BUYS HER AN ICE CREAM AND HE DOESNT EVEN REMEMBER WHY HES BUYING THREE. UGH. i love them so much. theyre definitely one of those duos found in the trios that dont get much attention which just draws me towards them more (like riku and kairi). i think lea is absolutely riddled with guilt about the events of days so he never lets xion forget that shes loved. i think xion is touch-averse *except* when it comes to roxas and lea because she feels safest around them.❤️

to end i will discuss roxas and xion . they are like a little orange cat and a little black cat to me. halloween colored. theyre so small i love them so much. i imagine when xion first meets the twilight town gang shes jealous bc roxas has other friends :( but roxas assures her shes super duper special to him and no one else can take her place in his life. they have such a unique bond that i dont know if any of the other characters have with each other. just something so special about those two. when it feels like no one else understands they have each other... and i think that makes for some angst when xion struggles with her own issues that even roxas cant relate to

[todayisafridaynight]

hi its "almost died as an infant" aoki stan anon again. im still thinkin about what to say medical wise BUT U GUYS HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD ABT HIS DEATH like im already frustrated with the "redemption by honorable death" thing that the game keeps doing (east asia has such high suicide rates i dont think its a very responsible narrative to continue telling in general tbh) but especially for a disabled character who had every right to feel vulnerable and betrayed and get a little evil. hes not Right but hes very Understandable and relatable. but then he still chose to live on and face the consequences (ARGUABLY HARDER AND MORE RESPONSIBLE. A GOOD EXAMPLE AND EXPECTATION TO SET especially for a POLITICIAN) and then they kill him anyway with some fuckin BULLSHIT EXCUSE and i feel like its partially because nobody can be bothered to put the effort into continuing a compelling and morally grey disabled narrative and it. hurts to be cast aside like that. especially after they made such a big deal about ichiban being a NEW protagonist/saga with a NEW identity and then. you still just gave me nishiki 2.0. you retold me the exact same story and used a blatant asspull to FORCE it to be the same story and give ichiban a dead brother figure to lament over for the next 5 games???? rgg i thought you wanted him to be different from kiryu???? sigh. it better be a fakeout and he resurfaces perfectly fine in a few games like kashiwagi or else i'm going to start scaling the walls of the rgg office and dismantling it piece by piece

hey howdy. can we call you MAS (medical aoki stan) ima call you mas cause i'd like to hear *mas from you haha gottem

BUT YEAH NO YOU'RE RIGHT. like i joke that ichi and aoki were kiryu and nishiki 2.0 but at least with nishiki, his death was like. .2% more valid while aoki's it's like..... rage. anger. death. i hate it here. this was so fucking stupid there was literally no need for this other than to fill a quota and try to make a "ichi really is the heir to kiryu's legacy" statement. LIKE ICHI IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE NEW FACE, GIVE HIM SOMETHING DIFFERENT- LET HIM KEEP HIS BROTHER SO THEY CAN PURSUE THE FUTURE TOGETHER THIS TIME

it's especially more upsetting regarding aoki as "being cast aside" because we can discern that was a huge thing for him and was a big reason why he turned out the way he did- being seen as useless or something that could easily be disposed off, so for the narrative to do just that right at the very end when it looked as though it was promising him a better future is just so...... rgg you're always so close but not close enough im going to strangle you

[kagender]

putata or mekeke for the ask meme

YESSSS i think ill be nice and do both.

putata:

Sexuality Headcanon: gonna act like i did with tamama CUZ HES GAYYYYY DUHHHH. like everyone in the world knows this and i knew it the first time i saw him. gonna go a bit off the rails here but hes the guy that got me watching the shurara corps arc, cuz i saw him in that big ending image w every keronian in it and i was like HOOOOLY SHIT.

Gender Headcanon: he is VERY MUCH A TRANSMAN n also i think he would loooove neopronouns n xenogenders. like hes just that kind of guy

A ship I have with said character: just like every person in the world i just luuuuv putameke..... theyre little freaks made for eachother, crafty guys who work in different mediums but still appreciate eachothers mediums, an excellent combo for frogs for when you want to steal the keron star etc etc. very compatible. they should not be seperated

A BROTP I have with said character: putata n kagege bestieism is sooooo faunny to me sorry. awkward guy devoid of any color and the most colorful energetic guy in the show(PROBABLY)

A NOTP I have with said character: ummm i cant think of anything that isnt like. straight up problematic cause i cannot be a hater really. i guess ill feel a bit iffy if someone pairs him with a girl but ive never actually seen it so like.like.

A random headcanon: im having a bit of trouble pinpointing just one honestly. cuz i think of the corps a lot in general....

well i think hes very caring over his nyororo, in my au it doesnt actually die (listen. i get a bit upset whenever a nyororo gets killed off in the anime thats just a funny beast.) but it does get really sick and it makes him flip his shit a bit ALRIGHT! like i def think its a pet hes had since childhood, his familys like dirty rich so they got him a nice one. saying that i def dont think hes getting much money from them anymore, like he has seperated himself from them pretty hard. also he knew mekeke since they were like, early teens? wow this is all over the place

General Opinion over said character: did you know that putata is also a species of bug(jodis putata) anyways hes GREAT. got me into this whole shurara corps thing. i had such strong brainrot over him when i was like 13-14 and im not exactly proud of it, still love him tho

mekeke:

Sexuality Headcanon: hes BIIIII. bisexual. hell ya baby!

Gender Headcanon: i think mekekes another character that falls under "not cis, not trans but some secret third thing" for me, i think i labelled him a demiboy a while ago though. well he is a boything for sure

A ship I have with said character: i will just repeat putameke..... literally 2 guys made for eachother wowwww its so wild I CANT BELIEVE IT. but also kagemeke is funny. cuz they both use puppetry haha fun but i dont think abt them too much

A BROTP I have with said character: ill just parrot the kagege thing again, though i also think him and dokuku would click together a bit :3

A NOTP I have with said character: I COULD NEVER BE A HATER!!!! never ever

A random headcanon: like w putata my minds a bit over the place.... imma be honest every time i get asked for a random headcanon my mind just goes blank like i forgot everything ive ever thought of in my life

one of my oldest headcanons ever is def gecko-handed mekeke, cause he has to stick to ceilings somehow if he wants to control his puppet from above. sorry i dont like making guys float for no reason.... i think hes def a bit quirky design wise in my au, has some brown markings that he just got as he grew up (thing that happens with keronians sometimes in general tee bee eh) and i call him oxidized because of that. also he has four arms for some reason. i dont really know what his deal is. its not even just his design he wasnt raised by keronians and might act a bit silly cause of it.

General Opinion over said character: bit of an autism beast

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

the "stepping on someones foot" analogy is a really good one, and reminded me that recently i used a similar analogy to explain why casual bigotry in the media upset me and made it harder for me to get into certain comics and tv shows. it went something like this:

"imagine if someone shut a door in your face as you were about to enter. you'd be confused and a bit hurt right? and you'd want to know why. did they know it was you? were they running into the building and didnt realise you were there? did they see you but not think it was that big of a deal? either way, its upsetting. so you go find them and say "hey i didnt like that you shut the door on me earlier" and they might say, "oh im so sorry, i didnt see you." or "oh im sorry, that was rude of me, i was in a hurry at the time but i shouldnt have shut you out." or "stop making a fuss it was just a door." or "we dont want your sort in this building anyway" or "well now im going to shut a door on you every time i see you" and depending on what answer you get, the hurt you feel will change. and if someone else sees you get shut out, and nothing is done about it, they might think, "that means i can shut them out as well" and now even more people are slamming doors in your face."

i don't know how well that communicated my point, but at least two of the people i've used it on now understand why i dislike comedians who punch down.

You communicated that point very well, and much more succinctly than I did (I mean, it doesn't tend to be difficult to be more succinct than me, but still). It's a good analogy, and good point that motivations matter in some ways but not in others. You're getting a door slammed in the face regardless of the reason why. And someone who does it accidentally still makes it seem to other people like a more acceptable thing to do.

Thanks for sharing that, it's a good way to explain it. I think the punching up/punching down way of looking at things can be an oversimplication, but in many cases, it isn't. In many cases it really is that simple - don't pick on people more vulnerable than you, do pick on people who deserve it. If you're going to try to "challenge" that rule, you'd better have a really fucking good justification for it, but honestly, there are so many powerful targets where you can aim all the vulgar offensive anger you like, that just sticking to the simple rule isn't exactly limiting. It still leaves lots of room for anger and vulgarity and offensiveness. It's a good rule.

[wandering-doves]

16.04.2024

i asked a guy i've been interacting with on tumblr for like the last 8 months, if he wanted my number and boy do i regret it [but not for the reasons you may think]

so, as i mentioned we've been getting to know each other and messaging for like 8 months. i remember the first time he messaged me... it was completely random. he'd liked a couple of posts/reblogs and followed me before reaching out and sending a simple greeting. i was naturally very suspicious as it had been years since anyone had messaged me on tumblr and since it was so out of the blue, i was very cagey and cold. he persevered another 2 days before caging up himself when i asked for his name. then he dropped off for about a month. when he returned again, it was to apologise for clamming up. i told him not to worry as he was entitled to his privacy. and then he did something that really surprised me. he gave me his name and a little snippet of his story. he told me that he was feeling lonely and wanting to make friends and that he was going to try chatting to people on here again and sort of freaked out. i let him know that i understood, as i was also being cagey. once we both were on the same page, things were okay. we would checking in every now and then, ask basic getting to know you questions and chat about our day. i got more and more comfortable with the idea of him as a friend and opened myself up to him little by little. sometimes i would reach out to him and not receive a message back for months, bc he would take breaks from tumblr [i'm assuming for his mental health, which is understandable]. he would reply when he next came online and we would chat more. he ended up seeing what i looked like through my side blog and began complimenting me on my looks. occasionally, he would ask a sexual question and i would answer it as honestly as i could. [normally, i wouldn't tolerate that shit, but i was starting to like him.] his line of questioning got more personal as time went on and it felt like maybe we were connecting. so as the months progressed, naturally, i thought maybe i wasn't delusional and that he liked me for me [i sent him a full body pic and it was received relatively well, i think] so i thought that maybe he would be interested in continuing this outside of the confines of this website and decided to work up the courage to ask him if he wanted my number. this is where it goes wrong. he meets my question with a question and i start to think that this is already a bad start and maybe i misread the situation. am i wrong for thinking that a man who's called me pretty and cute and hot would want my number? am i? well apparently, because he never ended up saying yes. this felt as good as rejection and immediately the walls came up and i started being short with him. I even wrote "i'll take that as a no then" to which he replied some bullshit like "i twasn't a no at all" and all i could think was "yeah but it wasn't a yes either", which is as good as imo. he wanted an explanation for why i wanted this bc he always assumed he was bugging me [which btw is another thing i want to touch on. in the past, he has mentioned feeling like he bugs me quite often and i thought i'd been doing enough to let him know that that was simply not the case but ofc that was his reasoning this time too] and i explained that i liked talking to him and wanted to respect the time he takes off from tumblr bc ik it can be disruptive and it was met with an "im sorry if..." and that shit makes my blood boil so i havent responded back to him. it's been over 24 hours since he replied to me. i spent that afternoon absolutely bawling my eyes out. then i spent the evening upset too. i was having big feelings, for sure and couldn't deal with them. i feel maybe i was too harsh but he was too.

anyway, i've been listening to sad music and crying abt anything and everything lmao...

[cloomsday]

im so so so fucking anxious. all the time. fuck. idk life stuff generally but also family...

like ive been in Greece for a full month now and my dad is just. himself. I definitely should not have relied on him for anything. we get to our summer place and for a full ass month my dad has just been smoking weed. the summer place is in an undeveloped rural beach town and we have no car, no washing machine, no fridge, no wifi, and no cell service. a week ago my dad got a car, but it’s a stick shift and he refuses to let me drive it for that reason. all I can do, day after day, is walk to the beach on this busy ass road with no sidewalk, since I can’t drive anywhere. the beach gets old after a month. my dad is just high all the time and does not care. I could have been spending this month preparing for technical interviews, but without wifi I can do nothing. I can’t go anywhere either.

ive been spending some time with my aunts, uncles, and cousins out here. they’ve got money, for real. their house has a damn elevator. and besides being rich, they actually, like, love each other. like they are an extremely tight-knit family, and always helping each other out and supporting each other. they host so many parties and like are always hanging out. I know nobody has an absolutely perfect relationship with their family, but I think they’re as close as it gets. my uncle is also like a big deal apparently, besides being a European like backgammon champion, his business is worth dozens of millions and he is also just a charming and chill dude. but the cousins have rich people problems- like the fact that one of them is 30 and has never had a job because she’s pursuing music. the other one dropped hundreds of thousands on flight school here in Europe just to drop out his last year because he decided he wanted an American certification instead.

I dont know. they're my family, and we were really close when we were kids, but some serious drama went down between my dad and them, that was entirely my dads fault, and we didn’t have contact with them for 10 years because of my dad’s orders. after my parents divorce, my mom went to live with them. oh it was all so traumatizing. it was all my dad’s fault. but anyway, time has passed and now it feels weird, that one day we were kids playing together, then ten years pass and they live in a seaside mansion with an elevator and a close family life, while my brother was sleeping at a homeless shelter not too long ago and our mom is dead. I mean its not their fault at all that things turned out this way and in all honestly i’m happy for their success, but its just hard to see them living a life that is far beyond anything I've ever even conceived of for myself. it also seems like they've been so successful that they’ve forgotten about us. they're perfectly nice in every way, but sometimes it feels like they barely seem to care about us aside from some pitiful looks now and then. they definitely dont blame my brothers and i for any of the shit my dad did, but they seem weirded out at us sometimes, like when they ask why I don’t go anywhere and I honestly tell them I don’t have money to do anything. In those situations I feel like being honest is making them look down on me, but im tired of lying to others about the realities of my life to make them comfortable.

anyway, I woke up today at 9am and it was pouring. it was nice to look out the window at the rain. so soothing. I went back to sleep under the pitter patter for a little more and woke up at 3pm. I dont know why, I fell asleep at 1am the night before and that's 13 hours of sleep. by the time I woke up my dad and brothers had already left for a day trip without me. i knew it was father’s day but I guess id momentarily forgot because my uncles and I were trying to figure out logistics for a trip and I called my dad to ask him some planning questions, then  he got upset when he realized id forgotten it was fathers day. shit I guess that was my bad. I said sorry, but I guess he’s still pissed.

so he was out on his day trip and didnt wanna pick me up from my aunts house, so we couldn't celebrate fathers day together. I told my aunt a little last minute that I wouldn't be going out and wanted to join her for dinner with my cousins and uncle, and she literally popped off on me saying there won't be enough food and stuff, and I was trying to say its alright and I can just spend the night on my own and eat out but I just started crying and it was so embarrassing lol.

u know when u just feel it coming, your hands shaking and your eyes watering and u cant blink the tears away fast enough and you look like a fool? damn I got so triggered. and suddenly im in middle school eating lunch alone again, at every holiday eating a microwave dinner alone again because my immediate family cannot stand each other, and I guess my extended just doesn't want much to do with me. fuck I hate eating alone now.

well, they ended up calling me in to eat and there was more than enough food and everything was ok. 

[caterkinnie]

vice or dorm leaders (love em both, not picky so you choose LMAO) with a reader that usually speaks with them thru telepathy or text whicever same tjing, Actually Verbally Talks to them for the first time ? what they say is up to you it can range from "ily ..!" or "you are. so stupid < / 3"

The first time they hear your voice!

summary: You two always communicated through notes and texts, something he didn't mind. But that doesn't mean he doesn't wonder how your voice sounds like...

genre: fluff!

warnings: none!

chose vice dorm leaders since im incredibly biased towards them...

You two were dating for a few months, and while Trey didn't mind having to talk to you through notes or text, he kinda wished to hear your voice sometimes.

He imagined the first time you actually talked to him was going to be a big deal, but it was just a little 'thank youu..!' after he cooked your favorite food after you passed a test.

He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable! But… He feels his face heating and his heart racing…

'I-... I should be the one thanking you.'

Ruggie actually didn't mind this at all!

You already said a lot with your body language, he loves teasing you for that reason. Doesn't mean he kinda wished to hear your voice, but if you don't want to verbally talk then he's not going to judge.

The first time he hears your voice is one time you two are play-fighting and he starts tickling you! And you tell him to STOP! While giggling and trying to push him away.

Ruggie stops with wide eyes, you might think he's upset or anything but you just caught him off-guard.

Quick to make a recovery with a 'Hey, that's cheating.. Your voice is nice though.'

Didn't mind you not verbally talking at all, everyone has their quirks, right?

Jade has never pointed it out or teased you for it, since he assumes you have your reasons and will tell him someday.

He also loves teasing you to see your reactions (even more than Ruggie), which is how you got yourself in this situation.

He threw a flirty line and when you got flustered, he started acting like it was a misunderstanding and you found a double meaning in his words that didn't exist! A double meaning that did, in fact, exist.

You told him with a pouty face 'Jade you're.. so annoying..' and found a little cheatcode, HE'S the flustered one now

Quick to make a recovery though.

'What did you say, my dear? Could you please repeat it?'

Jamil wanted to hear your voice so badly but would die before admitting it. He wouldn't risk breaking any boundaries by asking you questions, so he kept it all to himself.

You're cuddling with him in his room, it's been a long day and he's tired, Jamil is already falling asleep UNTIL he hears a little 'I love you..' which makes him tense up, wide awake now.

His heart is racing and he's sure you noticed his reaction but still….

It takes him a bit to process what happened and finally manage to reply.

'I… I love you too..'

Loved this! This little quirk was so unique, it made every single interaction with you more special!

Still… Sometimes you could notice how he pushed you a bit to talk, not enough to make you uncomfortable though, he's mostly curious about your voice! Still, he'll be quick to stop if you really want him to.

It all started one day, Rook was in his usual "praising the love of his life" mood and was reading all the poems he wrote about you, but he's been at it for almost an hour already! You tell him a little 'You don't need… you don't need to spend so much time… writing that stuff for me..' Your voice getting lower and lower the more you talk, you see his face brighten up and let out an airy laugh!

He feels like he's falling in love all over again <3 What did you unleash, he's even worse with his praises now.

'Ah~ ma chérie, thank you so much for blessing me with your voice~.'

Like Rook, doesn't mind at all, but that doesn't mean he's not curious.

In fact, he's even more insistent than Rook, though more subtle and most of the time you don't notice he's trying to hear your voice until you're about to speak!

One time he (as usual) comes from behind you and covers your eyes with a little 'who am i~?' to startle you, what he didn't expect was you actually replying 'Lilia… stop scaring me..!' and he keeps quiet for a bit.

When you turn around to see him he has the silliest smile you've ever seen from him. Please tease this idiot later for it he deserves it <3

[chirpsythismorning]

I just wanna talk about this quick and then I’ll shut up forever.

I HATE byler kiss manips (not talking about fan-art, I’m talking about photoshopped byler edits using milkvan scenes). I hate them with a burning passion. The only exception to this would be when bylers use them as a response to homophobic anon asks... now that’s funny. But that’s it 🤣

Like I get it. It’s mostly all a big joke, but it’s just cringy to me..? And weird?? Why can’t we wait for the real thing???

AND YET! AND YET!… Even though I’m kind of contradicting myself by making this post in the first place, I honestly don’t see much value in confronting fans who do this or staging a whole call out about how it makes me personally feel uncomfortable for reasons x y z.

Because that’s just me. I’m sure there are some fans who agree with me and I’m sure there are plenty who don’t. But still, I don’t see the point in policing anyone that disagrees with me on this, to make them feel bad for engaging in fandom differently than me, to make a big spectacle about how it upsets me, bc the reality is, nuance exists!!!

While there are some people out there with horrible, even offensive or concerning takes, not every single disagreement of opinion needs to be put on blast as if that person is bad for whatever point they’re trying to make. Because now suddenly everyone is giving their two cents, clogging the tag to the point where no one can escape it. Now we’re all uncomfortable. Who is that helping?? No one!

So if you’re like me and there’s certain things that make you uncomfortable, no matter how small or even major, BLOCK.

Maybe you are just like me and you give someone a few chances, only to finally block them after one too many posts that are just 😬

Or maybe you block right away the moment you see something you didn’t want to and don’t want to risk seeing again.

I just hate this tendency fandoms (it’s all fandoms, not just st or byler) have to attribute one or even a couple hundreds of fans opinions, to the entire fandom… and then project that onto the rest of us like “IF YOU THINK THIS! YOU ARE BAD!” Like be real, there are hundreds of thousands of us, exponentially chances are there are gonna be a great deal of people you won’t agree with. That doesn’t mean we have to ruin this space for everyone.

I really don’t want to do this again, bc like I said, im basically contributing to the very thing I hate. I hate that I feel this need to voice my feelings on something everyone is already talking about, and now i’m also taking away from the aspects of fandom that can be fun and welcoming and worthwhile.

It’s just unfortunate how all fandoms put themselves in this situation. We allow one or a few to control the vibe of the tag and suddenly you can’t find theories or headcanons or just fun banter between fans. All you see is virtue signaling and people trying to find someone to blame. And then we wonder why fandoms fizzle out with resentment. Because we ruin it for ourselves. We turn on each other for the sake of being right. And it just sucks.

At the end of the day, everyone has the right to say how they feel. By all means, that is your choice and you can do whatever feels right to you. But just know that not everyone is going to agree. And that’s not always a bad thing. And even if and when it is, we don’t have to make it EVERYONES business.