#every so often this post hits me like a truck

[dee-the-red-witch]

…a lot of folks just see themselves in the mirror. Before I came out and started my transition, I mostly saw static- I'd gotten really good at making my brain just tune out what I was feeling about what I was seeing. But once I stopped hiding from myself? The litany my brain went through every time I saw my own face was way too loud and clear.

Chin too wide. Forehead too big. Brow ridge is massive, you have to keep your eyebrows constantly raised just help hide it. Where's your upper lip? It doesn't matter if that's been your hairline from birth, that fivehead is terrible.

And more. It was even worse before I'd started laser for my facial hair and found a stylist that does amazing work reshaping my eyebrows. And none of it is vanity. It's just my brain doing it's own best to hurt itself with all the reminders of a puberty that went in the wrong direction. Of the fact that I wasn't a girl.

And I want to point out something- all these features I've listed? They're all present in cis women. Gorgeous cis women. There's nothing inherently male about any of these. Hells, on a good day, I pass as a woman in public without much issue, which is something I never thought would happen.

But this isn't about passing. It also isn't about ultimately going stealth and hiding the fact that I'm trans. I fully intend to stay loud about that for the rest of my life. It's about being able to look in the mirror and not want to scream about everything that doesn't match what's in my head at all. It's about making that list shut up. I can see past it sometimes. Just sometimes. But that's why the second of these two surgeries I'm having needs to happen. So I can see it more often. So I can be myself, without the horror movie litany in my head.

And the fix for it? In my case it's the following, since I didn't want to deal with implants or fillers. Bone reduction in the chin and brow- make the former narrower and reduce the brow ridge entirely. Adjust the upper lip with a slight pull upwards, done just under the nose. Since my skin's going to be loose from the removed bone, use it to pull things a bit further by bringing my hairline forward and down a touch. That';s it. slight adjustments that'll leave my face looking like I got hit by a truck for the first six months of recovery, but afterwards, a face more like what I expect to see in the mirror.

And yes, this post is happening because GFM once again reminds me to give detail and insight about the medical needs I need covered to my audience. And for those of you unfamiliar, maybe it at least gives some perspective. I don't think they quite knew what they were asking for with these particular cases, and I'm hoping I didn't just horrify the lot of you with this. But when it comes to asking 'why I need to do this'? This is part of it. Making some of my life that much less of a struggle.

Anyways, thanks for taking the time on reading through this one if you've gotten this far. If you can, please, again, share this fundraiser around- I've got a long way to go still, but I'm hoping I'll be able to make it.

137 days to go.

[catedemia]

study tips i wish i knew sooner !

these are a few of techniques or study habits which have proved to work for me, personally, i faced challenges such as:

getting overwhelmed with the study material

not knowing the best way to take down notes while i studied

not being able to remember what i studied

not knowing where to start

therefore, if you relate to any of these things, this post just might help you !

★ this post is divided into 3 sections

PLANNING

STUDYING

RESOURCES

a summary of this post: (read below for detailed explanation)

— go thru your syllabus and previous year question papers, mark every topic asked ans prepare those topics first. create a summary sheet for each chapter and use study resources.

1. PLANNING

— go thru your syllabus

it is important to simply your tasks down to the nth so as to avoid getting overwhelmed with the material. for this it’s best to go thru your syllabus and understand what is expected of you from the course. this helps in not feeling shocked and alienated when you immediately jump into the studying the first module and all the information hits you like a truck

— go thru your previous question papers

get your previous years’ question papers and go thru the questions asked. simultaneously mark the topics in your syllabus and after going thru all the questions you’ll see that certain topics get asked more and certain questions are often repeated — you have yourself a study guide !

— make a study schedule

get a calendar and mark the dates leading to your exams or tests. schedule one subject for two days each and try to cover as many modules possible. i personally try to cover 4 modules in two days as i focus on the study guide i created (as talked in the above point)

2. STUDYING

— first try to finish all the topics from the study guide

understand the concepts and topics you have marked in your syllabus so you are prepared on the topics asked previously on the exam which oftentimes gets repeated. with this out of the way, you won’t be overwhelmed with fear of not having anything prepared at all

— finish a topic and teach

this is one of the methods that helps me understand the concept easily. teaching someone out loud makes me focus on the material solely and allows me to catch any information i may have missed to include. you can teach it to a friend or i personally teach it out loud to nothing or myself or to a plushie

— create a doc or write down important notes of each module

after finishing each chapter/ module/ unit, make a note of the important information and the the topics you need to work on again or simply make a doc of everything you learned and use it as a summarised sheet of that particular chapter you can glance at

3. RESOURCES

— notebook lm

turns your notes into a podcast of two people

— xmind

for making mind maps or brainstorming

— watch other people be productive

i watch youtubers like yoora jung, to get into the zone of being productive and studying efficiently. feed your brain media which motivates you to study and use social media to your advantage. look at this post of mine where i mention two study instagram accounts which post motivational videos.

[yevgenyyyy]

a sincere note about @/benjicotblckwood

Hi. I'm making this post to alert the hotd fandom about the utterly disturbing behavior of user @/benjicotblckwood (their other blogs: soulsbrne, cregnstark). Some of you might already be familiar with this blog and their posts, since they constantly spam the "cregan stark" and "tom taylor" tags with their inbox messages. Some of you might already have them blocked.

I've filtered and blocked all the tags and blogs that I could, but I've honestly had enough, and I feel obligated to make this post, as I believe it concerns all of us as a fandom. The way they choose to "conduct" themselves on this platform is abhorrent, showing an acute lack of respect and consideration for other users, and worst of all, for some of the actors - real human beings - involved in the show. They have already deleted many of the posts that I show and link below (I wonder why), but these are only a few drops in an ocean. I didn't even bother to scroll that far on their blog.

I want to preface this by saying: whether you choose to read this in full or not, I am begging you not to send them hate or to harass them in any way, shape, or form. That is NEITHER my intention nor my purpose. If you are angry, disgusted, etc., please, please, please just report and/or block them. Don't engage with them.

For the past few months, together with the anons and blogs they enable (and who enable them in return), they have repeatedly made incredibly disgusting and sexually explicit comments about Tom Taylor and Kieran Burton, tagging almost all of the posts with the actors' names and/or the characters they play, thus clogging the tags with shit like this (I suspect that they have since deleted some of the tags):

bonus: why was this post even tagged as Cregan Stark?

To further demonstrate that they do not see Tom Taylor as a real person but rather as an object to hypersexualise, they read and reblogged rpf (real person fanfiction) of him:

They have repeatedly stated that they comment on every instagram and tiktok post from Tom Taylor and Kieran Burton, asking them for their heights (and fuck knows what else). They themselves referred to this as harassment, which it very much is.

what DO you say on twitter, benjicotblckwood?

They constantly post clips and videos of Tom Taylor, where he is, who he is with, and what he is up to, often adding their own speculations and gross comments. This is literally cyberstalking. They even keep the things that he himself ends up deleting. (the post below is about a song Tom Taylor made and deleted)

Here are links to some deleted posts that contained some of their invasive and disgusting comments about Tom Taylor, his body, etc.:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjicotblckwood/758616703482675200/tom-is-over-6-feet-tall-and-hes-got-a-fat-juicy

https://www.tumblr.com/benjicotblckwood/758022883677192192/thomas-joseph-taylor-bradshaw-please-let-me-hit

https://www.tumblr.com/benjicotblckwood/758270274319810560/i-wish-that-truck-stop-employee-would-fuck-me-in?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/benjicotblckwood/758267144930738176/i-love-and-hate-that-tom-is-so-mysterious-like-i?source=share [they talked about "gatekeeping" and not wanting to "share" Tom Taylor in this one, 'cause.... you know... he's not a real person, obviously]

They also zoomed in on Harry Collett's underwear:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjicotblckwood/758272062982930432/the-fact-that-you-zoomed-in-and-enhanced-the?source=share [deleted post]

https://www.tumblr.com/benjicotblckwood/758267589006884864/like-there-is-absolutely-no-way-harry-had-boxers?source=share [deleted post]

I assume, because they constantly appear in the tags with questionable content (I'm being polite), they have been getting called out by multiple people (admittedly, not in a constructive way aka via anon hate). They got incredibly defensive (used buzzfeed and others doing similar things as excuses), acted like they didn't know what they were being called out for, and eventually deleted most of the posts. Don't get it twisted. These aren't jokes. This isn't what fandoms are. This isn't what fandoms are for. This isn't about a "handful" of "jokes" from today or yesterday. This is about dozens and dozens of posts (many of them incredibly disgusting and invasive) about real human beings, made over months and months, every single day.

Finally, I arrive at the reason why I'm making this post. They used the g*nocide in G*za to deflect from the shitshow on their blog. This isn't even performative activism. It's pure evil, in what I can only assume is an attempt to portray themselves as a good person who still has morals and empathy. As far as I'm aware, they have never ONCE shared a post, a fundraiser, anything about the topic on tumblr. But they chose this day, after responding to and deleting posts calling them out for their repulsive behavior online. This is beyond vile. This is fucking unacceptable.

I will conclude by reiterating what I wrote earlier: Please do not send them hate. Please do not harass them in any way, shape, or form. Please just report and/or block them.

[keepingitformyself]

we might just get away with it (i)

A/N: hey all!!! this is the first part of my first ever series, i’ve had this one in the drafts for a while and i’ll try my best to update it as much as i can. a-lot of this first part is just setting up readers life until their eventual meet with natasha (who goes by natalie rushman in this) this is an AU. HOPE YOU ENJOY!!!! i had a lot of fun writing this one.

ALSO: in honor of scarlett johansson opening an instagram account.

synopsis: hollywood is a tricky place for someone new like you, a certain elusive redhead is hoping for you to let her in.

pairings: writer!natasha romanoff x youngactress!reader

genre: fluff.

warnings: none.

part two found here. part ii

please do not repost my work anywhere for any reason at all. if you do see this happen to any of my stories, please let me know. thank you x.

—————————

you hadn’t been in the dating scene since you graduated college two years ago. it was a long time to go without going on a proper date with anyone, even your mother had called at one point to voice her concerns on why her only daughter hadn’t brought anyone back home to introduce.

truth be told, the mere idea of a relationship really stressed you out. especially now that you’ve been working tirelessly since the second you left college. the week after graduation your plane had already been booked four months in advance when you found out you landed the role for a lead in a film.

you left your hometown in texas and flew to la for a three month shoot. it was only in post-production for five months before the first teaser dropped and two months later the film finally hit hbo max to stream.

the success of it was enough to earn you an online following. people within the industry had reached out in hopes of getting to know you or even work with you. and now people knew your name enough for you to have been stopped a handful of times during grocery runs.

it was back to work in getting auditions and doing things that kept your artist mind flowing. it wasn’t too long before you landed a role for another lead in a netflix series.

the director of the series was a well known one. greta gerwig, it was her first time directing for tv as opposed to film, she told you she was truly impressed by your delivery in the film you’d been in months prior. you felt incredibly lucky to have even been thought of for her leading girl.

you told her you were a fan of the work she’d done. how you truly cherished her way of encapsulating the female experience through her writing and directing.

she smiled gratefully and said she hoped you’d be willing to accept the role she was practically offering to you, you knew she was just teasing. no one was stupid enough to let an opportunity like this pass. you said yes without hesitance.

it was a lot more intimidating this time around.

you were set to shoot for six months in london. a whole different country thousands of miles away from friends and family. you left home two months later.

greta was amazing, the sets were amazing, the cast was amazing, the crew you were especially grateful for. you made sure they knew that by ordering a free coffee and pastry truck to set every friday.

some of it comes as a blur to you. it’s easy to get lost in the craft when you love it so much, your mother told you once. you worked tirelessly often times worrying the ones around you but you promised you were fine. it was very easy for others to say how lovable and playful you were while still being able to maintain the professionalism that was needed on set.

it’s what they loved most about you. so it was no surprise to anyone when there started to be some conversations involving you, the star, and the series.

there had been mutterings between crew and even your own cast-mates.

you were in the city today, sat outside a corner coffee shop in mayfair. devyn, a cast mate of yours, and self proclaimed local, offered to show you around london.

‘i heard gary, one of our light technicians say that he heard the producers talk about how they’re expecting a huge rollout once they start announcing the series.’ devyn said as he sipped on his latte.

‘what do you mean?’ you took your eyes off the busy street to look at your cast mate.

‘you’re an absolute powerhouse in this series, you know that right?’ he told you seriously. ‘everyone sees it, there’s no doubt this show is gonna get big. they’re already expecting it to be.’

you cringed at his words, you were never good for taking compliments. ‘oh god, please stop.’ he smiled with a shake of his head, a look on his face that screamed, you’ll see.

turns out devyn was definitely not talking out of his ass.

greta had started to pull you out for meetings with the producers. they spoke to you about how netflix was willing to go all in for promoting.

greta told you herself, ‘although netlfix will definitely be a big help, i think just the show on its own is already set for a very promising release.’

they had you sign contracts and explained to you what would happen once filming was over. 1. you’re gonna go home and take a well needed three month break. 2. prepare yourself for what’s to come. 3. then you were to be called back in for promo shoots and teaser reels. 4. get ready for the big premiere.

‘it’s gonna be a lot, there’s no way of knowing the scale of success this will reach except that it will be huge, and a lot of that will be you.’ tony, one of the producers told you. greta along with everyone else in the meeting nodded to his words.

‘yeah, some stills from some of the finished scenes released a few weeks ago. it’s easy to say a lot of people seemed to make noise from that.’ rhys, another producer said.

your blood ran cold. although it was easy to say you were proud of how far you were able to come on such a short notice… it also sort of felt like a lot was being thrown at you all at once.

you maybe had an idea of what your life would be looking like afterwards. you remember seeing all sorts of opinions once it was found out by the world that you’d be the next lead for greta gerwig’s first ever series.

mostly everyone was excited. greta on her own was an insanely talented writer and director, people were happy to hear she’d be turning to tv and seeing what she’d come up with. you remember the week following the announcement feeling a little overwhelmed, all due to the men in cameras who had followed you around for a week.

‘rising actress Y/N Y/L/N seen leaving her west hollywood condo ahead of reports saying that she’s been casted for the lead in greta gerwig’s next directorial project.’

you’re thinking that maybe life will look like that but multiplied by a thousand, but you’re hoping not…? the success part will be great. why wouldn’t it be? it’s all you’ve ever wanted. to be a successful actress. but at the expense of having your life put on a pedestal? it was a very tricky thing to play at.

greta gave you a smile, almost teasing, like she knew the big secret that everyone else didn’t.

she leaned forward with her arms crossed on the table. ‘once this is over, it will never truly be over. are you ready for it?’

nothing could have ever prepared you enough for what would come with the release of the series. if you thought everyone knew your name before, they definitely do now.

the release of the series was just seven months after you finished filming it. it definitely had a huge rollout like everyone else said it would. you don’t remember much of the premier either. it was a bunch of flashes and getting asked questions. as soon as you got home you knocked out cold.

number one in seventy three countries was a lot. you wouldn’t even want to imagine the amount of people it took to watch you for that to happen.

but with the success of the series also came a huge amount of scrutiny on your personal life. within the week of its release you’d had an influx of followers on any social platform they could find you on.

apparently that still wasn’t enough. people were itching to know more about the new girl that had come out of nowhere and stolen their attention in just a week.

it was all very scary. it was all mostly positive, at least the things you’ve seen and been shown. your agent and team did a great job at keeping you away from all the bad. you still knew it was all there though. people loved you but people also really disliked you.

you’ve also come to learn that people chronically online are insane. especially if you give them something to hyper fixate on, you knew of the tweets and posts people had been making of you. it made you absolutely freak out how fast people were to find out every little thing there was to know about you in such a short time.

‘i want you to go home for the week. not home in LA, home as in with your mom.’ samantha, your agent, told you. samantha along with your publicist fred, had seen firsthand what was being said online. she’s been in the industry long enough to know how ugly it can get for the victims, you were young and she wanted to protect you from that as much as possible.

‘i called your mom, she’s already expecting you home by tomorrow morning. your plane leaves at midnight.’ you nodded gratefully. the tension in your shoulders had slouched a little after hearing that. you missed your mom and you were scared as shit right now.

samantha was there in the uber when you were dropped off. she bid you goodbye and told you she’d call you for details on the next flight back to LA. ‘rest as much as you can, the press tour is gonna hit real hard.’

now came the insanely difficult part. the week back home went too fast and now you’re on a plane back to LA where your agent and a stylist were awaiting your arrival.

as soon as you’re off the gate a beefy man in jeans and a polo helps to escort you towards your luggage and eventually the car. ‘ma’am, just a heads up. there’s paps.’ he tells you before quickly ushering you out the glass doors and into the suv.

you don’t remember much after that. just that as soon as you arrived to your condo you were quickly pushed into a room with a stylist and pushed into another car after that.

the week had gone fast for the amount you’ve been doing. you’d met up with your cast-mates for the first time in a while and you were happy for that. most days it was just going to interviews answering questions, promoting, playing question games, more questions, etc…

it was finally friday. but promo was far from over. ‘you’re flying out tomorrow morning to new york and then we’re off to europe for the week.’

tonight was the huge post-premier party for the series. it was expected that there’d be quite a few well known names attending tonight aside from the cast. although a part of you was dreading another night of questions and just overall socializing, you knew it was needed to network.

cameras flashed in your face and people shouted your name upon arrival, but people were quick to let you in. ‘there’s a lot of people who want to speak with you.’ samantha tells you. you nod and put on your best brave face for the night.

samantha lingers around you as you cycle through speaking with all kinds of people. producers, actors, writers and the like. the first two hours fly by and things have reached some sort of stasis by then.

you’re in the middle of a conversation with some cast mates when tony— who you recognize as one of your producers— walks up to you with a redhead in tow.

‘the woman of the hour!’ he raises his arms to hug you.

‘i have to introduce you to natalie! she’s an excellent writer!’ the redhead next to him who you now know as natalie lets out a dry laugh at the man’s words. he was very obviously drunk.

and you see now that she is very obviously attractive.

she takes a few steps towards you and sticks out her hand for you to shake.

‘i hear you’re the talk of the town. have not stopped reading about you online.’ the smirk she wears makes you appreciate her beauty even more.

it was true. you were everywhere— in the tabloids, the headlines…natasha indulged in every single piece of information about you that she came across.

she also might’ve convinced tony to somehow introduce you two when she found out he was working with you.

she was a fan since your last film, and as a working screenwriter for film and television, she caught a bit of inspiration from seeing you on her screen.

‘i’ve gotta say, i was really impressed by your performance in this show. greta is a long time friend, she did good in choosing you.’ natalie compliments.

‘oh, thank you! it was a pleasure to work with her…she’s great.’ you cringe at your words. you still aren’t any better at taking these compliments no matter how many you get.

natalie smiles at you in silent understanding. she’s picked up on the small awkwardness that underlies the conversation.

you let out a low huff and motion towards the bartender to get you a shot of tequila. natalie quirks an eyebrow at your order but doesn’t question it.

‘do you want a drink?’ you turn to natalie with a smile. not only is your social battery slowly starting to diminish but talking to someone like natalie will have you saying nonsense.

you figure you’ll need a drink if you’re gonna continue to speak with her.

‘a diet coke will do me right. i’m driving home tonight.’ she says, the bartender nods and fixes your drinks.

an hour later and the drinks are sure to have calmed you down. in fact they’ve done more than just calm you down.

natalie and you spend a long while talking about anything and everything. you bond over being major nerds when it comes to philosophy. she tells you about how she double majored in philosophy and english at nyu.

‘my love for english had always existed but after taking a philosophy course my freshman year, it’s like i needed to write about these things that were talked about. i needed people to see what i thought about.’ natalie explains to you.

you’ve come to enjoy natalie despite only have met her about an hour and a half ago.

you tell her about how you were a huge thespian in high school and entering college, how philosophy was an added bonus when you figured out they both go very well together.

you’re grasping her arm as you explain it to her.

‘i mean genuinely i would hear so much about aristotle in my ethics class and then he’d somehow be connected to creating the 6 elements of a play! how crazy is that?!’

natalie is trying hard to concentrate on your words. you’d think it’d be a lot easier for her given the fact that she hasn’t had a single drop of alcohol…but all she can pay attention to is your lips. how they’ve now plumped up slightly due to your drinking.

she’s completely smitten with you by now, and she’s just met you. you’re definitely not like what the internet makes you out to be. for the most part, it really is just the alcohol in you.

you continue to ramble on.

‘honestly, i think socrates is good guy— like he has some great ideas but it’s kinda annoying how he thinks his way is the only way and he makes it his entire personality— ugh hold on i need to go piss.’

you’re clearly too drunk to care about what words leave your mouth. natalie doesn’t seem to mind it— and quite frankly neither do you.

‘do you need help getting there?’ natalie is quick to ask. all in good intentions, of course.

‘uhhh, yeah.’ you’re quick to agree. you have a rule, always travel in pairs when alcohol is present.

your arm is hooked to natalie’s as she helps lead you to the restrooms. it’s here when you get a slight whiff of her. you cringe at how weird you think of it in your head.

but she smells awfully appealing. like suede, lemon and a fireplace. all combined.

‘you smell really nice,’ you say, too worried about your bladder to care.

you feel vibrations of a chuckle leave natalie, you smile when you see her smiling too.

you nearly run into a stall as soon as you’re in the seemingly empty bathroom, thank god, you think. pee anxiety is a real thing.

you feel a little more level headed after doing your business. natalie waits by the door staring as you dry your hands.

‘feel better?’ you hear her ask.

‘much,’ you smile, a drunk one, your mind a little hazy.

‘i had a fun time tonight, with you, i mean.’ you find yourself saying.

she quirks an eyebrow. you continue.

‘i’ve had a really stressful past few weeks, it was nice to just…drink and talk knowing my words wouldn’t be plastered on some magazine issue the next day.’ you finish. your body is still buzzing. the alcohol making your body slightly move in place. but nonetheless you feel oddly content.

natalie smiles. a really big one.

‘i’m glad i could help take the edge off,’ she says.

you chuckle, turn to the mirror and make sure your makeup is still in place. a ding from your phone makes itself known, indicating a message. you dig through your clutch bag to get it.

we’re leaving now, you have an early start. plane to nyc leaves at 7:35am.

the text message from samantha reads.

you huff.

‘sorry to cut this short, natalie. my presence is needed near the entrance. i have to be in new york tomorrow before noon.’ you smile apologetically

she smiles. a part of her wasn’t surprised at all. you’re you, and everyone wants to be around you. she was surprised she even had your attention for more than an hour.

she nods. ‘i get it, can i ask why though?’

‘interview with fallon, i think.’ is all you say before you step closer to the redhead and press a kiss to her cheek. you think nothing of it.

‘truly, it was lovely to meet you natalie.’ and she doesn’t have the chance to reply before you’re out the restroom door.

natalie realizes she never got your number.

two days later, she’s made it back to her home in new york. natalie decides to shake off the jet lag with late night televison and a glass of wine in hand.

ironically, jimmy fallon is on.

‘please welcome…!’ and she sees you appear before her.

she is so captivated, she doesn’t realize she’s finished the bottle of pinot grigio next to her.

stupid as it sounds, this is when natalie rushman decided she wanted to be a part of whatever world you were creating for yourself.

[nights-at-crystarium]

You know what, I assume that people always read my pinned, or notice the pointer "new reader? start here" in every new Fragments' episode. I might be deluding myself. So hi hello lemme TALK ABOUT MY COMIC.

Before I get too rambly (and I mean RAMBLY), here's a quick intro. Fragments is a comic focused on feels and slice of life, made by a queer guy, aiming to ~character study~ the main cast (Vivi, Raha, Alisaie, Feo Ul) and fill in the gaps in canon (or linger in canon moments that needed more air imo), the tone ranging from angst to fluff to meme. Good punches require a good windup, so please don't expect angst anytime soon :3c

The story's segmented (fragmented, heh) into episodes. Episodes 1-11 take place in ARR, you can enjoy them with no worry about spoilers. Episode 12 onward is ShB, with all the spoilers and lorebending.

My storytelling style assumes you haven't only played through ShB, but know it like the back of your hand, i.e. it's for nerds and thinkers. Of course there's plenty of silly moments that don't require any deep knowledge, but the overarching story does. Often I skip canon events, only hinting that they took place, simply because I don't wanna retell the msq 1:1, I've got plenty of original scenes waiting to be drawn. You're in for a treat if you like obsessing over emotional and moral implications of things. And, yes, this's a story about a morally grey mc. Don't expect to be spoon-fed "and this's why that thing's bad, kids".

Currently I've outlined all the main story beats up until post EW, so it's like, not being winged as I go. Yes I refine things here and there, but I know where I'm going. I'm going ham!!!! With the lorebending post ShB. Initially I didn't plan to, but the more I learned about Vivi and personally grew as a writer, the more courage I got to "divorce" from canon. The general xiv story may still be good wherever it's headed, but it's not suited for an established wolgraha, so I'm making food for myself.

Everyone imagines the lil scenes from their wol's life, I'm taking that a tiiiiiny step further. Fragments tells a cohesive story that's looking to be the longest project at least in our corner. I can and will hyperfixate on this for years.

I started out just like many others, being hit with ShB like a truck, I wanted to put a catboy under a microscope and rotate him forever. Although I'd already been drawing for decades, I didn't have the comic-making skills yet, or eloquence to write the dialogue, so I spent the first half of 2022 self-studying, just because I needed a mouth to be able to scream about my ship.

Vivi didn't exist prior to my obsession with Exarch. He was made for this, he started out as a reagent (or a foil, now that I know fancy writing terms) for a rich and fun chemistry, and keep myself entertained for years, first and foremost.

Me, a fool: okay let's make a guy that falls in love with Exarch in this particular moment, what kinda life must he have led to- Me: ....oh no

The chemistry quickly bubbled up and exploded in my face, involving not only Exarch, but other characters (first as a means to subtly tell about Vivi, then they also demanded their own screentime), and here I am, sitting with a massive script on my hands, drawing my blorbos every day. Thanks for enabling that btw.

I care about characters a lot. I ask a lot of whys and hows. I'm critical-minded and burned on many bad stories that did their characters dirty, and I wanna be an opposing example. What I'm doing is extremely ambitious and risky, yes, but I can only invite you to tag along and see if I stick to my word.

The internet's a cruel and unforgiving place nowadays, and here I am, pitting my passion against what feels like decaying humanity. I'm making this comic to keep myself happy above all else, being sincere and cringe because life's too short to be anything else.

Thanks for reading this, and if you haven't yet, read Fragments here!

[blakbonnet]

AUTHOR OF THE WEEK: @soupbtch

Ever read a fic and go "they're so 😭" - that's every single Danny fic to me, aka today's second aotw feature, and god, what an amazingly talented author they are.

I'm so glad you decided to write and grace us with your lovely and bonkers fics, because I cannot imagine the OFMD fic world without your incredible Every Part of You series. I cannot imagine logging into this website without another incredible post from you. Every single thing you write (and do) leaves me in stitches and then, more often than not, you straight up chair your friends with your ultra soft way of writing how much they love each other - in between the much needed elbow fucking. You are such an amazingly kind person - hilarious, supportive, and the best cheerleader 💕 Thank you for answering my questions:

What's your writing process like? Do you start with the beginning or the end? Do you write in order or as the scenes come to you?

I start with a pretty detailed outline because if I don’t go in with a plan, I’ll drop threads and/or write myself in circles. Then I have my outline open on half of my screen while I have a separate doc open on the other half where I’m actually writing. I write in order from beginning to end.

Favourite trope or headcanon you like to explore while writing? (Things like Ed's sweet tooth, Stede's ability to bury his feelings etc)

I have a lot of fun writing angst, so I think any facet of that I can explore is a good time. Weigh them down with insecurities and see how far I can bend them with external factors like plot points, each other, or other characters before they snap. So things like Stede believing he ruins everything he touches, Ed believing he doesn’t deserve fine things, and how they both stand in the way of their own happiness because of these feelings. I also love exploring like, the horrible communication skills Ed and Stede have with each other when it comes to their emotions, and setting up story beats where that intercommunication can break down. Because they’re idiots (affectionate).

Whose voice is easier to write - Ed or Stede? Why?

Ed for sure. I find him very easy to connect with, emotionally. All my favorite characters think they’re unlovable monsters and no, this says NOTHING about me personally, etc etc etc.

Your personal favourite thing you've written that you'd like more people to read

Red Skies at Night! It's modern au, but they're still on a boat! If you like slow burn, bitchy Stede, Ed with a tongue piercing, fun costumes, and a big dash of pining, I def recommend checking it out!! ❤️

What is the one word that you think you use a lot?

The one that comes to mind is ‘blink.’ Kind of a funny one, but to me, it’s such a juicy way to imply so much while saying so little, so I know I use it frequently. Stede asks, “Do you trust me?” and Ed blinks back at him as he tries to work out why that question hits him like a truck (because the answer is a very easy yes). Ed says, “You make me happy,” and Stede blinks back at him in awe (because Stede? Making someone happy? That can’t be true). You get it.

Do you have a beta reader? Have they made you a better writer?

Yes, Beedle (@sleepystede) and Connie (@spirker) have both beta read for me! They’ve helped me tremendously with flow and rewording awkward sentences, and I’ve improved a lot from their feedback. Connie has also been invaluable to bounce ideas off of for new fics and just generally pushing me to be more creative through her never-ending support and big beautiful brain.

Why OFMD 🥹

I loved season 1 when I first watched it, but as soon as I saw the season 2 trailer, something clicked in my brain. Where season 1 was slow burn, will-they-won’t-they, is this real or are they queerbaiting, season 2 was posing itself as very, very clearly queer. Stede is going to get his man. That’s it, that’s the show. Undisguised, unabashed, unapologetic gay yearning and gay romance. There are a million other things I can say, but I think it really all comes down to that. What a gift. No one does it like our show. 💖

Please head over to @ofmdlovelyletters (who also made the header) and send your love to all your favourite authors (and authors of the week 😈 watch that blog for some special letters coming your way)

[igotanidea]

Taken: Dick Grayson x f!reader x Jason Todd

Summary: he was in love with his brother's girlfriend.

Warning: bit of action,but nothing explicit, somewhat morally grey, angst, pain, hurt no comfort, no happy ending (sorry.....)

A/N: please, don't ask me for part 2, cause I don't think i could take it

***

Being around Dick Grayson was a threat to human life and Y/n Y/l/n was the perfect example of this. She was the youngest one ever to become a cop and as her first post assigned to nowhere else, but the shithole Gotham. The place where most of the officials were bought and on the call of different villains. Luckily, she was one of commissioner Gordon subordinate and that let her keep her objective side and not get bribed.

But that was also how she met Barbara. And once that happened, she was quickly acknowledged to Dick, who seemed to like her after the first glance. Y/n was fierce, never took anyone’s bullshit and knew how to take care of herself. With her quiet confidence, ability to listen, deep caring about people and sense of morality, especially when it came to the abused, Grayson soon found himself falling for her.

Not like he was going to tell her, at least not straight away.

Instead, he started hanging out with her more often and made her met the entire Wayne family causing a little teasing from his siblings and one serious conversation with Bruce who specifically warned him in how much danger he was putting the girl by getting close to the civilian. Dick only retorted something about Batman doing the same to Jim Gordon before rushing out of Bruce’s office. Yet, he was still convincing everyone that he and Y/N were just friends.

And even his vigilante instincts and observation skills didn’t make him see the slight relief on his younger brother’s face every time Dick denied allegations of the situation being otherwise.

But since the first day she got into Manor it was pretty obvious that she would become family friend, regardless of what Bruce may think about it.

Even if she only knew half of the story about Waynes.

***

What finally shifted the dynamics between those two was the moment when Y/n got into some serious trouble while working a work case and stupidly not waiting for her partner to assist her on the field. Her sense of justice and morality simply got the best of her and the girl found herself in the middle of the trap in a heavy crossfire.  Who knew how this would turn if Nightwing didn’t come out of nowhere and, to put it simply, saved her ass.

“Hey!” she yelled slightly agitated, cleaning her cheek from the blood “I was handling it and …..!” she froze the second Nightwing turned towards her and eyed her carefully with the blue orbs…. “No….” The sudden realisation and recognition hit her like a truck.

“Are you all right, sunshine?” he asked taking a few steps towards her, taking her hand in his ”Please tell me you’re not hurt….”

“I…..I….. I’m not.” She stuttered “I think so, at least, but how….why.... what….?”

“Sh.” He silenced her “not here, not now. Meet me at our place in an hour and I’ll explain it all to you, all right? I promise.”

***

And so he did. Explaining everything. Leaving her in absolute shock, but also making her ask whether she could somehow join the team an help them as one of the very few “clean” officers in town. It made Dick wonder but her wide open pleading eyes and pretty face made him relent. And that may have also been what finally pushed him to kiss her. He just couldn’t hold himself anymore, all those emotions held at bay for almost a year finally finding way out. And it just felt so good to not keep it hidden anymore. But it was also terrifying when he pulled out, not sure of her uptake on the situation, ready to apologise and ask for forgiveness. But before he could say anything, she grabbed his neck and pulled him back wanting more and kissing him like there was no tomorrow. And he knew.

She loved him too.

***

For three months they somehow managed to keep their relationship at secret. Even despite her now working with bat and spending even more time at the Manor. But it just couldn’t last forever. Not with all those people around.

"Y/N, can I talk to you for....." Jason started walking into her room without knocking, but the view in front of his eyes made him freeze.

She wasn't alone. She was with Grayson. In a very unambiguous situation. To put it simple - they were kissing and sure as hell wouldn't stop at that if Jason hadn't interrupted them. Dick was already shirtless, hovering over Y/N, his hands on her waist, lips moving over her skin causing little moan to fall from her mouth.

And she fucking enjoyed it.

She enjoyed him.

There was zero room for interpretation, arching back and nails digging into Grayson's back pulling him closer being enough to break Jason's heart.

"Jason!" she hissed pushing Dick away, the cutest blush creeping onto her face as she quickly tried to fix her top "how many times do I have to tell you to knock!"

"Sorry....." he mumbled, not really sure what else to say "Just wanted to......" his gaze landed on the floor, since all of a sudden he became unable to face her.

"Is everything all right, Jace?" her tone became a bit more concerned and he just couldn't take it anymore. But neither she nor Grayson could know that.

"You two are a thing now?" he smirked back to his usual attitude

"We are." Dick nodded, his love sick puppy gaze landing on her face and she reciprocated with the same expression.

"Make sure to keep it quiet then, will you? I really cannot blast the music on full volume to drown you out or I'll go deaf" Jace rolled his eyes and as fast as he could rushed out of her room.

His cheeks were burning, his hands and legs were shaking and there was only one thing on his mind.

He was in love with his brother's girlfriend.

***

Since there was nothing he could do about that feeling he just started to ignore her. Every time he saw her walking towards him, he remembered something important that caused him to escape the room, leaving the girl confused and a bit down. She had no idea what happened to the boy she knew and who was one of her best friends. After all, he was the one closest in age to her and since they shared the love for literature, they used to talk for hours. So she didn’t understand what changed. But when he kept on acting like that for a week she decided it would be best to just leave him alone for the time being. It was Jason after all, he had his moods and phases that came and went. Y/n was pretty sure he would reach to her if he wanted. After all, Jason used to say that she was the only one to really care about him and always support him.

If only the girl knew what was going on inside Jason’s head. That every time he saw her with Dick he was burning inside. Why was she with Grayson? The one who were always there for everyone, helping other people, taking care, making sure everyone was all right and barely having time for his own girl, neglecting her? Jason would never do such thing, he would spend every minute with her, cherishing her, loving her, keeping her close.

If only she was his…..

But she was taken, just because Grayson was the first to act on his feelings while Jason chickened out, hoping, like a silly schoolboy, that she would notice his longing, loving stares from the other side of the room.

***

A few days later, he unwillingly became the witness to one of their conversations. It was the middle of the Saturday and Grayson was duty-free, but apparently he got some serious call from someone in Bludhaven, an old friend (Kory?) and without much thinking, packed his bags and got ready to came for an aid. Once Jason heard what happened, he stopped by the door and peeking through like a maniac, carefully observed the situation unravel.

“I hate leaving you like that….” Dick whispered, wrapping arms around his girl, holding her close on full display for Jason, whose heart was breaking even more, if that was even possible. Todd could swear his heart was beating so rapidly, just because of the thought that she could be touching him, instead of his brother. His fist clenched involuntarily and he barely held himself from rushing inside and breaking that little scene.  

“I know, Dickie.” she hid face in the crook of his neck, pressing herself closer, not wanting to let him go “but you are a hero and people need you, I get that.”

“Say a word I’ll stay with you.’ He kissed the top of her head, caressing her back.

“I couldn’t ask that of you, Richard.” She smiled and looked into his eyes “that would be selfish of me.”

“You deserve to be selfish” Jason though biting on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood .”You deserve love and attention and not a boy who has time for everyone but you…..”

“I love you.’ Dick whispered, pressing his mouth to hers in the gentle kiss, tangling hand in her hair “I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise, all right? And then we’ll do all those things on our list.”

“Love you more. And I hold you to your words, boy wonder.” She unwillingly let him go with a grin, but once he stepped out the door and was out of sight, her shoulders fell and she let out a heavy sigh. She did love him, truly, but sometimes it was tough and exhausting to act strong and not force him to stay with her.

Two hours later Jason found her asleep on the couch with an open book laying nearby. Judging by the force with which she was holding onto her body pillow she was imagining someone else in her embrace. She was imagining Grayson and it made Jason angry.

Grayson fucking left her.

He left that angel. That kind, gentle, compassionate and caring soul. The one who loved him with the love Grayson never deserved. He didn’t deserve her. That idiotic fucker.

If it was Jason to be with her, he would worship the ground she was walking on. She would never have to worry about a single  thing. He would never cause her any pain, nor let a single tear fell from her eyes.

 But she was not his to love and protect. All he could do at the moment was step forward and put a blanket over her so she wouldn’t get cold. Poor boy. And once the warm, soft material landed on her body she stirred in her sleep and smiled softly, causing Jason’s heart to drop even more. 

“I love you.....” he whispered brushing a strand of hair out her face and caressing her cheek, making her lean into the touch. She probably thought it was just a dream, not a reality.  

***

Dick might have been in Bludhaven for a few days, but it didn’t mean that his family wasn’t still patrolling, dealing with villains and getting hurt in the process. And since Y/N was staying at the manor, for safety reasons, of course, she quickly took it upon herself to patch all the wounds that any of the Waynes could endure.

Surprisingly, more often than not, it was Jason who got himself injured (blame the distraction), but her attempts to help him were dismissed in harsh words and by pushing her away. Just to protect himself from doing or saying something stupid he might regret.

“I don’t fucking need your help!’ he hissed, watching her gaze sadden and her whole body to cringe. “I can handle my own shit! Just... get the hell away from me!”

Without a second of hesitation he rushed out the batcave, followed with his family’s eyes.

“What is wrong with him?” Damian scoffed

“I might have an idea....” Tim muttered

“Tell me.” Y/N cut Drake off. “Tell me what this is about Tim. I can’t handle him being so .... hurt. I don’t want him to feel like he’s alone and no one understand him....”

“It’s really not my place...”

“TIMOTHY DRAKE!”

“Stop attacking me! God! How can you look so innocent and act so scary at the same time? “

“I swear if you don’t start talking....” she warned with the most stern voice she could produce

“Just..... I think you should talk to Todd yourself, Y/N.”

“Fine.” The girl shook her head. She was going to clear this shit out.

***

“Jace? May i come in?” the gentle knock on his bedroom door got him by surprise and when she entered, without waiting for the invitation he was sitting shirtless on his bed, trying to stitch the wound and holding an ice pack to his bruised ribs. Once her gaze landed on all of the injuries, he flinched, almost trying to hide himself.

“Go away....” his voice was far more begging and pleading than commanding and strong. He didn’t want her to see him like this. All of a sudden he realised that she would never feel for him the same way she felt for Dick. That with his scarred body and anger issues he never stood a chance.

“Jason.” She never listened and this time was no exception “Come on, stop it. It’s not the first time I will help you get yourself together. I’ve seen all those scars before. It’s all right. Safe place, no judgement. Let me.” Her soft hand reached for the needle and surgical thread and slowly, methodically, trying to cause him as little pain as possible started to stich his wounds. “You’ve been acting strange lately.....” the girl pointed out.

“not much more than usually.” He muttered “I am one hell of a strange person. Dead yet alive.”

“Stop it.” She cut him off, finishing the stitching and putting hand on his arm making him flinch again. “Sorry....” his action stung her. “Sorry, I am out of line, I won’t force you to speak to me if you don’t want. I never should have.....” she moved away, but never managed to get far as his arms wrapped around her pulling her close and his lips met hers.  He just couldn’t hold himself anymore. Not once he felt her touch and care. It was just impossible. She started the fire that no one could contain.

At first he was afraid she would push him away, ready for it even, since after all she had a boyfriend. But much to his surprise and joy, she did no such thing. If anything she kissed him back.

She kissed him back.

Could she.... could she possibly want him?

Jason was not going to wonder about it, instead focusing on satiating his hunger of her. He was starved of her, his mouth brushing over hers with desire, passion, wanting more and more and more. He was completely lost in the moment as he lifted her up, bringing her to his lap, hands sneaking under her shirt, travelling up, up to her shoulder blades, brushing over the clasp of her bra, palms pressing into her back, pulling her closer, closer.

It was so good, so perfect, having her like this, not fighting, not pushing away, but making her melt into him, feeling her body flex, touch him back, mirroring all his actions.

She was the only one for him. The only one he could ever trust, love, care about. He would burn the whole world for her if she ever got hurt. He completely lost his mind for her.

Her,

Her,

Her.

The things were getting so heated so fast, when he switched positions gently lowering her down onto the mattress. Shit. She was so beautiful and touch starved and abandoned by Grayson. And Jason was going to show her what it really meant to love a woman.

“Y/N....” he muttered hovering over her, completely blinded by desire, grabbing her wrist gently and pinning them above her head, kissing her jaw, neck, everywhere he could reach. “Y/N.” he nibbled on her collarbone getting a single, breathy moan, getting so hard for her. To tell the whole truth, he almost felt like crying when her hand tangled in his mop of hair, pressing him closer to her body. He never felt so wanted and needed in his whole life and her action got him completely lost. She accepted him. She agreed to everything he was doing to her, simply following his lead and he just wanted to make her feel so good. He whimpered once the warmth of her affection spread inside his chest and belly, right hand slowly peeling her shirt off, exposing her soft skin to him.

God! He had her. He finally had her.

He was lovesick, his own body acting without any control. He just wanted her to want him, need him, touch him and hold him. But it also made him bold. And reckless.

“You’re so beautiful…..”he whispered, trailing kissed up her stomach and between her breast, making her arch her back and squirm in pleasure. “I love you…..”

“You what?” those words were like a bucket of cold water for her, eyes opening wide as she became aware in a second. “Oh, shit, no, shit, fuck!” the girl hissed, taking him by surprise and breaking free from his grip pushing him away and adjusting her messy look.

“Baby?” he whimpered, confused and hurt

“You cannot love me, we… we can’t do this Jason.”

“But…..”

“I’m in love with your brother!”

“He doesn’t deserve you! He does not take care of you!”

“And what do you know about it? He loves me, Jason. And despite of what you say, he does care. Every fucking day. Even when he’s busy! You’re judging my relationship with him of silly little piece of information, but you don’t know shit about it!”

“So why did you let me kiss you?” he stuttered looking straight into her eyes.

“It was a mistake.” She said coldly, hating herself. She despised herself for those words, but what else was there to do. She couldn’t do this to Dick. She couldn’t do it to Jace. And most importantly, she couldn’t do it to herself. She might as well put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger. No matter what she would do, someone would end up getting hurt. Badly. And she would end up being the unfaithful one. Not fair. She had to cut it right now, even if her body kept screaming at her to let go and let Jason love her. He was so gentle and loving and slow and sensual. Showing that part of him she never knew. So different than his brother when it came to intimacy…..  Fuck!

“How…. How was it a mistake?” he was practically shaking at the moment. He bared his soul to her, hoping she was the one to trust, to take care of his poor, shattered heart. And the look in his eyes almost made her cry as well. But she had to be strong.

“We’re just friends, Jason.” She sighed, barely holding herself “nothing more. There won’t ever be anything more between us” she stood up from the bed.

“Please…..” he begged, grabbing her hand “please, don’t go. Stay with me. Let me…..”

“I’m sorry, Jace. I think we should just forget about what happened.” She yanked herself free and rushed out the door not looking back at him.

“I could never forget. And I won’t stop fighting for you.”

***

She was very well aware that his words were true. That Jason wouldn’t stop. But Y/N also knew that Dick wouldn’t ever relent. It seemed like she got herself in some serious trouble by loving two brothers, each one with different kind of love.

Dick and Jason.

Jason and Dick.

Fuck. Someone was going to end up broken hearted and she just couldn’t choose.

Therefore, she did the only thing that came to her mind.

***

“Hey, do you have Y/N somewhere around? I can’t reach her phone and she’s not responding my texts…..” very disturbed Dick showed up on the other side of the computer screen, reaching Tim.

“Dick…..”

“Is she all right? What happened Tim?”

“She left.”

“What?! What do you mean left?! How could she leave the house full of batman crew?! How could no one notice?!”

“She left you a letter.”

“A letter!? Shit, I deserve better. I’m going to find her! I’m getting back to Gotham right the second and I won’t stop until I search every inch of this city, country or planet!”

“Dick!” Tim yelled interrupting his brother’s monologue

“Why did she leave….?” Grayson’s voice broke. “I thought she loved me…..”

“She did, Dick. She wrote it on the envelope…..”

“I will hear it from her. Come on, Timmy, help me here.”

“Dick….”

“Yes?” Dick looked straight into Tim;s eyes in the camera and he froze. Something was wrong, terribly wrong and his younger brother’s face was screaming bad news “what are you not telling me, Tim?”

“There’s been a car accident and …..”

“NO!!” sudden scream came from behind and both Dick and Tim saw Jason falling to his knees onto the floor, clutching his head desperately, acting completely out of his mind “No,no,no,no,no.” he sobbed. “no….. this is all my fault, this is all because of me…..”

“No.” Dick became pale, sudden realisation of what Tim meant finding a way to his brain.

***

She wanted to be fair to both of them. That was why she left not one, but two letters, explaining why she couldn’t stay and destroy whatever frail relationship Dick and Jace managed to build. She also asked them not to look for her and in a haze, unnoticed, left the manor, planning to stay with her friends in Central City.

What she didn’t expect was that truck, speeding and running into the crossroad on the red light…..

And then,

breaks sqealing

glass breaking

darkness.   

[lollytea]

eda for the character breakdown?

How I feel about this character

I remember I once saw this post once before I watched that show that was like "Eda is basically Grunkle Stan for lesbians" and definition of her has been stuck in my head ever since. I admittedly do not think of Eda frequently but when I do, it hits me like a TRUCK. She's so sleazy and ridiculous but every so often I remember how she was willing to destroy herself just so she could be of use. How she begged for a means of saving "[her] kids." I think of Eda in passing but every time I actually sit down with those thoughts I'm like "uuuuuuuggghh she makes me want to kill myself" she's just so SAD. Sad and desperate and yet so full of life and all this capacity for love that she doesn't know what to do with. I love Eda. Dana Terrace really cooked with this bitch.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Eda endured the horrors. So as a reward she gets her nerdy little musician

My non-romantic OTP for this character

How deeply and achingly Eda loves Luz and King WILL kill me I think

My unpopular opinion about this character

I don't think she's THAT hot

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

They implied that Eda had sort of friend group with not only Raine and Lilith but Darius, Alador, Odalia and Perry. HELLO! HI! LETS CIRCLE BACK TO THAT??

[mrs-johansson]

Strangers in the night - Scarlett Johansson x Fem!Reader

Part 20:

“Today we are joined by an amazing actress, director, and screenwriter. You’ve seen her in films like Red Sparrow, Lady Bird, and the Divergent trilogy. Please welcome, Y/n Cole,” called out James Corden and I walked out from the back.

I sat on the sofa and before we started he introduced the other guest. Ellen fucking Pompeo. “Oh my god hi,” I stood up and Ellen spread her arms with a wide smile. “Hi!” She said and we hugged. “I am fangirling, so sorry,” we all sat down. “I’m guessing you’re a Grey’s Anatomy fan, Y/n,” started James. “Are you kidding? I live and breathe by Grey’s Anatomy,” I said and the crowd laughed along with Ellen. “It’s season 15 now, who is your favorite character at the moment?” “Ugh… I looove Meredith,” I glanced at Ellen and she smiled. “I truly think since Derek died, she’s a better character in general. I love Jo, oh Amelia, she’s the best. Alex is one of my favorites too, along with Bailey. I can’t choose!” I sighed and shook my head. “Do you watch the show often?” Asked James. “Oh yeah. Very often. Actually, I made my girlfriend watch it with me, so we started at the beginning,” I said, already nervous about what was coming now that I mentioned Scarlett. James saw the opportunity and with a smile, he started talking. “Now that you’ve mentioned, you just went public with your girlfriend who’s none other than Scarlett Johansson,” he said and the crowd erupted in cheers and I just shyly smiled. “I was genuinely surprised when I saw your post. I haven’t heard any rumors or that kind of talk around the two of you,” he said. “That was a struggle, believe me,” I chuckled, and then so did the crowd. “We did our very best to lay low at all times. And we just shot Jojo Rabbit so it was very important for us not to look like we’re just trying to promote the movie, so we just laid low for a while now.” “But you’re happy?” Asked James and I smiled very widely just knowing how happy I actually am. “I can’t even describe how happy I am. It just feels… right,” I explained even though I could barely put my feelings into words.

***

“Please water them Scar, they're gonna die if you don’t,” I basically whined as she helped me move my suitcases into the car outside. “I will water your plants every day,” she let the suitcase over to my driver who put it in the truck. “Thank you,” I said and he sat behind the wheel. “Have fun and text me when you can. I’ll bring Rose when I can,” Scarlett took my hands. Smiling cutely. “I will. I’ll miss you but it’s gonna be fun when I come home,” I smiled and she nodded. “It sure will.” “Okay, I need to leave. I love you,” I gave her a long kiss before pulling her in a hug. “I love you too.”

I got into the car and we made our way to the airport where I got on the plane and took off to Massachusetts.

On the plane I’ve read the script multiple times, memorizing my bigger parts.

When I touched down I checked into the hotel and because we have a tight schedule, the table read was just 2 hours after my landing.

Getting all my essentials for the rest of the day and I was at the office in no time.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so comfortable going into a new project. I’ve worked with the director before, I’ll have Flo there and Timmy, and the only thing I was nervous about is Meryl Streep. I don’t think I need to explain that.

I walked into the room and I spotted Florence right away, who was speaking to Emma Watson and Eliza Scanlen. There was Greta Gerwig at the front table talking with probably the producers. I didn’t see Timothée anywhere so I quickly texted him but then I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I turned around and I was faced with the icon herself, Meryl Streep. “I didn’t mean to scare you, sorry. I just wanted to say hi, before we start,” she said and I was just standing there, my mouth dry. The next thing I know something just hit me in the back. Like a crumpled piece of paper. Quickly cleaned my throat and answered. “Sorry,” I chuckled. “It’s so nice to meet you. I’m such a big fan of yours, but I’m sure you get this from everyone,” I mumbled, trying to not faint. “Oh well, it’s not the same from everyone, so thank you. But, I must say I’m also a fan of your work. Red Sparrow was amazing,” said MERYL STREEP. I can’t wait to tell my dad about this. “Wow, uhm… thank you so much. It means a lot,” I smiled and with a hand on my shoulder once again she stepped away and went over to Greta. Timmy literally jumped to my side and I’m sure he heard everything because he had a big smile on his face, his eyebrows almost meeting with his hairline from the excitement. “That was siiick,” he whisper-yelled and shook me by the shoulders. “I just can’t believe that happened,” I said. I spoke with everyone a little, and I was really excited about this movie.

After we all got our seats, Greta spoke a few words and we started.

We had such a great time. Everyone was laughing and when something emotional happened we all paid attention to those who were in the scene.

Around 8 pm we finished and it was amazing. We all had great chemistry with each other so I think this is gonna work out really well.

“Do you guys want to go have dinner? I know a great place,” I suggested and most of them accepted the invite.

Timothée, Florence and I got into one car and Emma, Eliza, James and Laura into the other one. Laura needed a little convincing to tag along because she said “I’m too old to go with all of you”, but she’s way too cool not to come with us.

We all fell into conversation pretty quickly as we got to the restaurant. Everyone was talking to someone and I think everyone felt comfortable with one another. “So you get to experience both Noah and Greta’s directing methods, that must be interesting,” I said to Laura who was sitting next to me. “Yeah, it’s so fun. Both of them are so different but I’m sure they’ll have some similarities.” “You guys shot the whole of Marriage Story on film, right?” “Yes, but I’m sure Scarlett told you all about it,” she smiled cheekily. I smiled shyly and nodded. “She did, yeah. I love the story so much, it’s just so full of love and your character just seems so fun and cool,” I said. “It is an amazing story. Noah did such a great job with the script. But let’s not talk about work in off time too, I could barely get Scarlett away from her phone while working,” she bumped her shoulder to mine and I just smiled. “I uhm… we talked a lot that time yeah,” I said and Laura smiled knowingly. “Ah well her smile was different. She was happy and glowing. I think you surprised everyone, but I could tell it’s genuine. I’m glad you have each other.”

***

“Hello?” Heard the voice over the phone. “Scarlett? Baby, hi,” I mumbled as I saw her beautiful face on the screen. “Okay, you’re drunk. First day went well then,” she chuckled adorably. “It was so fun! Oh my God, Meryl Streep is amazing. She said Red Sparrow was amazing. Funny because I’m naked in that one,” I said while taking my dress off, but I accidentally stumbled onto the couch. “Careful there.” “I’m fine,” I threw the dress on the floor and made my way to the bed. “Take off your makeup before you go to bed, baby,” said Scarlett over the phone. “I don’t want to though,” I whined as I sat on the fluffy bed. “You’ll thank me tomorrow.” “Fine,” I sighed and moved to the bathroom. “How was your day?” I mumbled as I fidgeted with my skincare bag. “It was good. We had some reshoots for Endgame so it was fun,” she said. “Oh don’t tell me any spoilers or I’m gonna cry,” I started to take my makeup off. “I won’t, I won’t. I think you’re gonna like it though.” “Yeah? I’m sure you’ll look hot in it so I’m not worried,” I smirked at the screen and she just laughed. “I’ve never seen you this drunk before, how much did you have?” “Just a couple glasses to be honest,” I shrugged. “Aha, I’m not so sure about that.” “I’m telling you, it wasn’t a lot.” “If I text Laura, are you sure she’s gonna say the same thing?” I glanced down at the phone and a smile pulled on my lips. “No.” “Yeah, that’s what I thought, but I’m glad you’re already having fun. I’m sure it’s gonna be a great shoot.” “Oh my god, yeeees. I love everyone so much,” I threw the makeup wipes in the trash and rinsed my face with cold water before going back to the bedroom. “Take a painkiller in case this all goes to hell. And drink a lot of water.” “I’ve been drunk before, I know how this works Mom,” I chuckled. “I just want to make sure you’re okay, baby.” “I know, I know. Thank you for that,” I blew a kiss towards the screen. “Always. What’s the plan tomorrow?” She asked. As I could see, she was just lying in bed with glasses and a big sweatshirt on. The TV reflected from her glasses making it a bit difficult to see her eyes. “Rehearsals for the next week and just after that we start shooting. But I can’t waaaait, I’m so excited for this one. I just know that it’s gonna be so so good and fun,” I laid down in bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. “I’m excited for you and to see it. Have you done a period movie yet, I don’t think so, right?” “Not this old, no. The latest was the Gatsby I think,” I yawned while trying hard to focus on the conversation. “You should go to bed, Y/n,” Scarlett said as she got up from her bed. “I really should but I love talking to my girlfriend, she’s kinda fun you know,” I rolled over to my stomach, trying to get comfortable. “Yeah? Well, your girlfriend is not going anywhere so you can speak to her whenever you’re free.” “I know,” I said slowly, just looking at the screen and admiring how amazing she was. “I love you,” I said, still feeling the booze. “I love you too, you drunk. Go to bed, honey. Text me when you wake up, okay?” She said softly with the cutest smile on her face. “I will. I love you.” “I love you too, sleep well.” “You too.”

***

All the cast members filled up the room as we were waiting for Greta. Florence on my right side and Timothée on the left. Sunglasses on both of their faces, sliding off their chairs, heads tilted back. “How are you not dead?” Murmured Timmy as he pulled the hood of his sweater over his head. “I have an amazing girlfriend who takes care of me. And you crazy people just downed every glass you found on the table,” I gave him a bottle of water. “Thanks.”

“Alright everybody, I hope you had a good night's sleep. Today is like to go through some of the bigger monologues so we can work on those if it’s necessary,” Greta explained and as I looked at my friends, I quietly chuckled. “Today’s gonna be fun.”

[liaromancewriter]

One Day

Premise: Ethan is confronted with the fact that his father won’t be around forever.

Book: Open Heart (post series) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Cassie Valentine); feat. Alan Ramsey Rating/Category: Teen. Angst. Words: 2,405

A/N: Submission to @choicesoctober prompt "family"; I'm using @choicesflashfics week 53, prompt 3 (in bold).

Alan Ramsey woke before his alarm, not an uncommon occurrence after thirty-plus years of early mornings. But lately, his knees creaked more often than not when he climbed out of his bed. There was no denying it took his muscles longer to recover after a full day at work.

He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the quiet around him. Every now and then, he heard creaking and settling from inside the walls of the old house. Alan was used to the silence, but he missed that long ago time when the house was a home.

There was a time when his ears would be tuned to the sound of Ethan’s heavy feet rushing down the stairs, ready to conquer the day. And when his son was older, those same feet stealthily climbed up the stairs after a night out with a girl or his friends.

Alan was loathe to get out of bed this morning. He felt the ache down to his bones, and the inky blue darkness outside the bedroom window wasn’t helping. The days were getting shorter and the air colder. He felt like calling in sick but wasn’t sure what he’d do sitting at home alone.

Deciding he’d dawdled enough, Alan shoved the covers aside and rolled off the bed. His feet touched the cold floor, reminding him that he needed to call someone to service the furnace. Typically, Ethan took care of it, but his son had been busy lately, more than usual, as he prepared for his new role.

Alan was proud of everything he had accomplished, but he wondered if this was a sign that he’d have even less of Ethan’s time than before.

Later, still feeling out of sorts, he started the truck and waited for the engine to warm up. He absently sipped coffee from a thermos as the wipers cleared early morning dew coating the windshield, and slowly backed out of the drive.

A loud honk had him hitting the brakes hard and cursing as hot coffee splashed across the steering wheel and his hand. He looked in the rearview mirror to see a black sedan zoom past, uncaring about the speed limit.

Shaking his head in disgust, Alan used a rag to wipe the coffee stains away and continued on to work.

Later that morning, when his foot missed a foothold halfway down the telephone pole, and the ground rushed up towards him, he wished he’d called in sick after all.

---

Cassie Valentine was trying to read a super-dense journal article for the diagnostic team’s latest case, but an intermittent buzzing sound kept interrupting her focus. Frustrated, she threw Ethan’s cell phone an annoyed look, tempted to chuck it across the room.

Why did he have to be forgetful today of all days? She cursed as she lost sight of the paragraph she was on and had to start over.

It didn’t help that she was working the case on her own. Tobias was on vacation, and Baz was tied up with a research project. Ethan was working with Naveen on his transition. So, their contributions had been minimal to date.

Her green eyes fired up when the sliding doors swooshed open, and Ethan strolled in nonchalance.

“How’s the research going?” Ethan asked, heading straight to his desk.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Cassie bit out. “You left your cell phone here, and the constant buzzing is driving me fucking crazy. Did you have to leave it behind today of all days? It’s not that hard to remember to take it with you!”

Ethan glanced over in surprise at her raised voice and waspish tone. “What’s got you upset?”

Cassie almost screamed in frustration, ready to tear her hair out. Instead, she snapped, “Nothing!” in a tone that implied everything was wrong and it was his fault.

She pushed back her chair, not an easy feat since it didn’t have wheels, and gathered her things.

And another thing, she grumbled, which genius decided office chairs without wheels on a carpeted floor were a good idea? Everyone knew a good chair should easily roll across the floor!

She stalked over to his desk, slammed his phone down (vibrating again, of course, in that maddeningly grating way) and marched off before she said or did something she’d regret.

Ethan watched Cassie warily through the glass walls as she disappeared down the hallway. He pursed his lips at her strange attitude and then dismissed it out of hand.

He glanced at the still buzzing phone — the vibrating tone really was annoying — and wondered who he knew at University Medical Center in Providence. Likely a consult request, he thought absently and accepted the call.

A few minutes later, he rushed towards the staircase closest to this part of the hospital. He was too anxious to wait for the elevator and didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Once he was in the parking lot, he called Naveen, tucking the phone between his ear and shoulder as he opened the car door and slid into the driver’s seat.

“My dad’s been in an accident at work,” he said when his mentor answered, grateful that Naveen didn’t interrupt with a lot of questions. “He’s at University Medical in Providence. I’m leaving now.”

Ethan started the engine and waited for the phone to sync with the Bluetooth system.

“Keep me posted, Ethan,” Naveen’s voice boomed from the overhead speakers. “I’ll come down to Providence as soon as I can.”

“Thanks,” Ethan said, disconnecting the call before backing his car out of the parking spot.

A thousand thoughts crowded his brain as he battled the afternoon Boston traffic. He breathed a sigh of relief when he cleared city limits and took the interstate ramp, accelerating with every passing minute.

Like most children, Ethan had always thought his dad would be around forever. But the man and doctor in him knew one day he’d have to reconcile with losing his only parent. Still, Alan was only fifty-seven, active and fit, and Ethan figured one day was a long way off.

He checked in on his father every month, made sure he was aware of any medications he was prescribed and took care of stuff around the house. Well, he hired someone to do it, from mowing the lawn in summer to a snow cleaning service in the winter. His dad protested at the expense, but Ethan didn’t want him doing the heavy lifting.

The last time he drove down to Providence…he racked his brain and realized it was six or seven weeks. He’d been too busy lately to visit, what with leading the team and working with Naveen on the transition and with Cassie on hers. Their calls had been brief too, just hello, how are you, sorry, can I call you back?

He was about to cross into Rhode Island when he remembered Cassie. He’d call her later, he decided. Right now, he wasn’t in the mood for an argument about whatever was bothering her. They could hash it out later, as far he was concerned.

It was an hour later when he was finally escorted to his dad’s hospital room. Sitting in the waiting room had been unbearable, but he understood these situations all too well.

He nodded absently as the on-call resident went through the litany of injuries, some of which Ethan could see for himself. Alan’s left arm was in a cast, broken in two places. There were abrasions, contusions and lacerations along the side of his neck and face, his arms and legs.

He looked so small, Ethan thought, watching his father sleeping, swallowed up by the large bed, the back raised at an angle. Lines and wires were running up the side of the bed, and a pulsometer measured his heart rate and O2 stats.

“Your father is fortunate, Dr. Ramsey. The bushes broke his fall,” the doctor droned behind him, his tone deferential upon learning his identity. “A few inches to the left and the injuries might have been catastrophic. We’ll monitor him overnight and reassess in the morning.”

Ethan placed his hand atop Alan’s through the guardrail, reassuring himself when he felt the warm skin.

“I’ll check in later in case you have any questions,” the resident said.

Ethan nodded, taking a deep breath to hold back his emotions. “Thank you, Doctor…” He turned around to look at the young man with a quizzical look. “I’m sorry. I’ve forgotten your name.”

“Doctor Nolan,” he said simply, hand on the door handle.

And with a wave, he was gone, closing the door behind him.

Alone, Ethan dropped into the visitor’s chair beside the bed and leaned forward. He reached for his father’s hand again, careful of the IV catheter. His eyes turned misty, and his mind flooded with memories from his childhood.

His dad cheering him on at hockey practice and basketball games. Those early days after Louise left and waiting for his truck to pull into the driveway, afraid that his father would disappear like she had.

Walking along the riverbank in the summer, licking ice cream cones. His dad teased him for taking his sweet time while Alan gobbled his up quickly, laughing as he wiped the sticky residue in his beard.

Being a single parent was hard, but his father had done his best for his only child. Ethan knew Alan had no regrets, but he couldn’t say the same about himself. He should have visited more, spent less of his free time working or with Cassie, or maybe he should have brought her down with him.

She had been pushing him for months for a relationship with his father, but Ethan had resisted. He wasn’t even sure why he’d been reluctant. His life in Boston, his life with her, was so different from his life in Providence. He wasn’t ashamed of it, precisely, but he couldn’t envision her in the rundown neighborhood with chain-link fences.

Should he contact Louise? Alan would want him to. He was certain of that.

Ethan wasn’t sure how long he sat there, head in his hands, lost in thought. When a hand fell on his shoulder, the unexpected touch was like an electric shock to his system, and he almost jumped out of the chair. The darkness outside the window was as jarring as the intrusion.

“Sorry,” Cassie whispered. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“What are you doing here?” he asked, clearing the gruff from his throat.

Cassie looked momentarily hurt, but then her face cleared, looking almost serene.

“Naveen told me,” she said, her gaze briefly landing on the bed. “I’m so sorry, Ethan. How is he doing? What did the doctors say?”

“He hasn’t woken up yet, but his vitals are stable,” he said, stretching his long arms into the air.

He narrated the notes he’d read earlier, summarizing what the doctors and nurses had relayed and the incident report from his father’s boss when he dropped by earlier, falling into the familiar role of a doctor and not a son.

“I wish you’d called me,” Cassie said softly, and then she shook her head before Ethan could respond. “Never mind.”

She nodded at an overnight bag on the floor just inside the entrance. “I packed you some clothes, underwear, toiletries. I figured you’d want to stay until Alan is out of the hospital. I wasn’t sure if you keep a change of clothes at your dad’s house, but it couldn’t hurt to be prepared.”

Ethan felt ashamed for not getting in touch with her himself. He’d meant to do it after he arrived, but it had slipped his mind. And yet, he’d managed to speak to Naveen and convinced him to stay in Boston.

He stared at the bag and thought he was an ass for taking her for granted.

“I’ll leave you alone,” she said, taking a step back as she turned to leave. “Let me know when he wakes up and how he’s doing.”

Ethan grabbed her hand before she could leave and reeled her into his arms, locking her against him. He framed her face between his hands and tilted her head back to meet his gaze.

“I’m sorry, Cassie,” he said, his blue eyes remorseful. “I should have called you as soon as I heard, or at least from the road. I kept telling myself I’d do it shortly, but it slipped my mind.”

“It’s okay,” she murmured. “You had a lot on your mind.”

“It’s not okay,” Ethan countered vehemently. “No excuses. You should have been my first call.” He brushed her lips tenderly. “I want you to stay. Please. I can’t do this without you.”

Cassie relented, the stiffness in her body dissipating as she leaned into him and her hands slipped around his back.

“I’m sorry, too, for snapping at you earlier,” she said, kissing the underside of his jaw. “I was irritated by my lack of ability to solve the case, and I took it out on you.”

“There, you’re all better now,” Alan whispered hoarsely from the bed.

Ethan let Cassie go and stepped toward the bed. He placed one hand on the pillow as his father struggled to sit up, his hands failing to find purchase.

“Easy, Dad. I’ve got you,” he said, pressing a button to adjust the bed and helping Alan get comfortable.

“I’ll get the doctor,” Cassie said, leaving them alone as she rushed out of the room.

“Dad, I…” Ethan swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat.

“I know, son. I know.” Alan squeezed his hand lightly. “I was careless.”

He started coughing, wincing at the pain. Ethan quickly grabbed the water jug and poured water into a paper cup. He stuck a straw through the top and held it up for his father to drink.

“We can talk later when you’re feeling better.” Ethan lowered the back of the bed slightly. “Just rest for now. Doctor’s orders,” he added, forcing a smile.

Alan settled back on the bed, wheezing slightly from the exertion, and closed his eyes.

“Don’t make the same mistakes I did, Ethan,” he said weakly. “Don’t take the woman you love for granted.” He paused to catch his breath. “Love is fragile in the best of times. But when things are hard…”

“I won’t,” Ethan said, understanding what was left unsaid. “I promise.”

---------------

All Fics & Edits: @bluebelle08 @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @genevievemd @headoverheelsforramsey @lucy-268 @jamespotterthefirst @jerzwriter @lady-calypso @mainstreetreader @peonierose @potionsprefect @queencarb @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @socalwriterbee @tessa-liam @trappedinfanfiction

Submissions: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Ethan & Cassie only: @cariantha @custaroonie @hopelessromantic1352 @mrs-ramsey @youlookappropriate

[jasntodds]

Caving In [7]

Pairing: Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader, Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 16,820 (I know)

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of almost being murdered, blood, violence, fluff, the chapter is “if it’s too much to carry” because of the song by the same name by Jansen, The wldlfe, Jason is soft for 1 person and it’s the reader, Dick blames Jason for everything, mentions of being held captive, mentions of abuse (nothing in detail), this ends up being the softest thing I’ve ever written so

Summary: ❝Tell me Atlas: What is heavier, The world or its people’s hearts?❞ You never expected your life to end up this way, turned upside down by an infamous Gotham villain. It’s been a living hell, every single day, until Dick Grayson brings you to Titans tower where you meet Gar Logan and Jason Todd.

A/N: This is my favorite chapter!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this since I wrote it so I hope you guys like it lol I am easily motivated to post more often when I get feedback 😂 The first few chapters take place between season 2 episode 1 and season 2 episode 2. You can add yourself the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary​​​ and turn on notifications if you prefer that!!

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

Over the next month, Gar and you continue to get closer. After the night you spent in Gar’s room, you both felt a bit closer. It was the best night's sleep you had gotten since your mom died. You didn’t even have a nightmare. You just slept the whole night perfectly comfortable against Gar. And Gar woke up with a lopsided grin that makes your stomach swirl. Since then though, you sleeping in his room has only happened one other time because you both fell asleep watching a movie. Neither of you really want to make it a routine too soon. You’re just friends and going through the motions of everything together.

But you’ve gotten to know each other through just hanging out. Gar has shown you almost all his favorite video games and you’ve made a good dent in movies Gar dreams as classics that you haven’t seen. You talked more about your hobbies, Gar finding out you prefer to rollerblade places rather a bike or walking and you found out Gar prefers a skateboard. It made you smile because it does fit him.

You talked more about your past lives, focusing more on happy moments like when you attended your first concert with your best friend. You beamed so wide, voice booming from the walls as you told Gar about the whole night. A storm hitting and the entire city losing power besides that arena, you getting to stand third row, the energy of place you explained as the closest to home you could get without being home. And Gar talked about his dad teaching him to ride a skateboard, how he fell several times and had his trucks so tight he couldn’t turn for over a month. He smiled and laughed the whole time, retelling the story of his mom being stressed cleaning his cut-up knees and hands. You spent hours just talking one night until Jason banged on your wall telling you to shut up. It only made you both laugh.

You and Jason have also been getting closer. You started training and the first week was pretty boring in comparison to what Jason had you do. But after a week and a half, Dick deemed you healed enough to train with the others. You still didn’t think it was enough. Two training sessions a day against two people who have already been training for 2 months and Jason who’s been training for over a year. You need to catch up so, you and Jason do an extra session late at night. Sometimes Gar even joins you and those are your favorites because it’s just the three of you. The three of you together have gotten close. Jason even tags along for some movie nights with just you and Gar, along with the movie nights with Rachel. Rachel doesn’t join you for the training though, she really does not like Jason.

Jason is still more closed off than Gar is but you tell him stuff and that gets him to talk a bit to you. Your conversations are either more banter-filled or a bit heavy. You both can talk about your trauma with each other in forms of a joke until one of you cracks and asks something a bit more serious. It’s one of the things you both kind of appreciate, the other knowing when the conversation should turn into something more productive without you having to get all dark and deep. And that’s something nice with having someone who’s gone through something similar with parental figures, it’s easier to talk about. But, you do talk about your interests.

You find out Jason hasn’t seen too many movies, mostly horror and comedies because that’s what he watched with his uncle. Jason is permanently invited to your and Gar's movie nights. And you find out he did the graffiti on his wall. Jason offers to add some to your wall as a joke but you jumps at it. And you tell him you tried before but could never grasp the whole spray paint thing.

Now, it’s your turn to pick a movie for group movie night and you pick Zombieland, a movie you declare as a classic and a must-watch. Jason and Rachel haven’t seen it but of course, Gar has and he backs your opinion of the movie. A classic horror comedy, a must.

“That’s the one with Emma Stone, right?” Jason asks as he plops down on the couch beside you, Gar following right behind him with two bowls of popcorn for the group to share.

“And Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg.” Gar states, taking his seat on the other side of you, sitting between you and Rachel.

“Who the hell is that?”

“The Social Network?” You question Jason and he just shakes his head. “You have really only seen like horror, huh?”

“It’s what my uncle watched.” Jason scoffs in defense.

“The Social Network is iconic.” Rachel states, stealing popcorn from one of the bowls.

“We’ll have to watch it. He plays Mark Zuckerberg.” You explain as you turn the TV on, ready to get the movie going but you’re sucked into a news report.

The other three continue the conversation about the Social Network and why Jason needs to see it. But, you’re so wrapped up in the news report, their voices are completely drowned out. Your breathing hitches and you instinctively hit the closed captains, making sure you’re hearing correctly and actually understand what they’re saying.

“What the fuck.” You mutter, seeing Jerry’s picture on the screen.

Your words grab the other three’s attention, all of them watching the news report. Jerry’s picture makes him look like not such a horrible guy. He’s got a big, warm, toothy smile. He looks like you’re average jo and it sends your blood into a rapid boil. They’re calling him an upstanding civilian. You shake your head letting out a dry, cold laugh. Jerry had supposedly saved a boy from a train, yanking him to safety and now the news says he’s such a great citizen. A real great guy who saved a kid, completely unaware of the horrors that took place in his very basement. Then they have the audacity to talk about how he tries to help kids all the time. It’s his true passion. He works with troubled youth at one of the youth centers in the city and wants kids to live up to their true potential. He explains, right to the camera with a big grin like he’s not a complete monster, that some kids need help to reach that. Not a punishment or to be looked down upon, just encouragement, to know they’re good enough and worth the effort. You nearly take your drink from the table and chuck it at the TV.

“What. The. Ever-living-FUCK.” You say, this time your voice is louder and filled with rage and shock. “What the fuck.” You’re almost shaking as you watch.

“Maybe we should shut this off.” Gar suggests, gently taking the remote from your hand before you start melting it.

“He’s such fucking liar and they’re all just eating it up!” You wave your hand at the TV in disbelief.

"The media loves a fake hero." Jason scoffs, sitting back in his seat with the shake of his head. It turns his stomach. Of all things for you to catch on the news, it's your captor being celebrated.

"I get permanently fucking traumatized and he gets a fucking medal." Tears sting the back of your eyes as anger courses through your veins. It feels like Jerry is spitting on the grave he dug for you.

"That's not right." Gar states, unsure of what to even say right now.

How is anyone supposed to comfort someone who's watching their abuser and kidnapper get recognition for being a good person? After they left them for dead, no less? Gar is pretty sure there are no words or actions that could possibly make you feel better or offer you any type of comfort. The most he can do right now is agree with you.

"Just turn on the fucking movie." You scoff, shaking your head as you match Jason's position.

Gar does as he's told and loads the movie, air in the room stiff. Gar wonders why Dick hasn't done anything. Maybe he thinks the four of you aren't ready to have a mission or maybe he thinks you’re too close to it, which you are, but surely something should have been done about him. It's more than it's you and they all know you and like you, it's that he almost killed you. Gar doesn't really understand how Dick didn't at least put on the Robin suit one last time and take care of him himself.

Jason glances to you and he wants to help. The guy should be dead for what he did and they still don't know if you were the only one he's done it to. He moved from Gotham, who's to say the reason he moved was because GCPD was actually catching onto something for once? You might not be the only one or the last one and this guy is just out there, claiming a sense of glory for making sure a kid didn't get killed by a train. That doesn't erase what he did or make some type of clean slate. He's a monster and someone should do something about the fucker.

But, none of them bring it up, they let you sit with it while the movie plays, almost hoping maybe it'll distract you. It is your choice and you raved about how it's one of your favorites. And it does help a little bit because Gar talks about how much he likes the typography animations of the film and Jason finds Columbus hilarious and can't believe he's survived the apocalypse so far. Rachel's favorite is, of course, Wichita. The three of them talking through the movie do lighten your mood enough to laugh when Tallahassee is so determined to get a fucking twinkie.

As the rest of the movie plays on, you shelve your anger about Jerry. You aren't going to let him ruin a movie night watching one of your favorite movies with people you actually like. So, you shelve it and figure you can deal with the anger later when you’re alone. You put on a happy face and joke with everyone else about the movie.

After the movie, you don't stay to talk like you normally do, a routine more that you, Gar, and Jason have developed since Rachel is normally pretty tired after the movie. Instead, you head to your room and lock yourself inside. The movie ended and the floodgates of fury opened. You can hear the broadcast echoing n the back of your head, seeing Jerry's face every time you blink. You can't let him live like that, thinking he got away with it. He can't just get away with what he did to you. With the public seeing him in such a good eye, he might get another foster kid. He'll say you ran away and foster kids do have a habit of doing that and then they'll probably give him another one. Another kid to torture and probably kill. You can't let that happen. So, you’re going to hatch a plan. But before you can get the plan worked out, a knock on your door pull your attention. You pause for just a second before choosing to ignore the knock.

"Y/n? It's Gar." Gar says through the door, worry laced in his words.

"Go away, please." You say, feeling bad for telling him to go away but not being in the mood to talk about anything. You don't want anyone to talk you out of this and Gar has the ability to do that.

"Please, let me in." Gar says through the door, his voice is a quiet plea and you ignore him again. He just wants to make sure you’re okay and you know that but you'll be fine after tonight. "Y/n?"  There's genuine concern in his voice this time and you can't leave him out there any longer.

You come to the door, opening it slowly. "I just want to be alone, Gar."

"Please talk to me." Gar keeps his stance outside the door. "I'm worried about you."

Worried.

You let out a breath, hanging your head before letting him in. You shut the door behind him while Gar looks around your room. It's really coming along now. Framed movie posters line every wall and two pairs of shoes sit on the foot of your bed. A few vinyls are sitting on a desk next to a black turn table.

"That newscast is messed up." Gar turns to face you, brows wrinkling together.

"Yeah, little do they know, right?" You scoff, feeling the anger bubble in your stomach.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Gar asks. "It's okay if you're not."

"I'm just...upset." You admit. "Just sucked, ya know? But I really don't want to talk about it."

Gar's brows are knitted together, the concern is almost radiating off of him. "Maybe you should. I'm worried about you." He says with honesty.

Your jaw clenches as you shake your head. "I'm not gonna do anything or go off the deep end, okay? I'm fine." You lie right through your teeth and you can feel the guilt coating your stomach like thick charcoal.

Gar huffs, getting frustrated because he knows you better than that now. You’re not okay because you always let him in your room. Always. "I don't believe you."

"Well, that sounds like a you problem." You quip so quickly, you didn't even think about talking to Gar and now you feel even worse about it. "Gar--"

"No, no it's fine." Gar scoffs. "My problem for caring, right?" He shrugs, a look of defeat-covered sadness fills his face.

"I didn't..." You pause. This is one of the reasons you didn't want him in here. You know how you get when you’re this kind of upset and that's mean. "I didn't mean it....like that. I just..." You let out a sigh of defeat. "Thank you for caring about me and trying to protect me but this isn't your problem and I am not gonna put that on you."

"You can." Gar says as if it's the easiest thing in the world.

"I know." You nod, taking a step towards him. "I don't want to, though." Your eyes scan over his face. You’re so scared of scarring him and ruining him. There's only so much one person can take and Gar has already been through so much and seen too much. It's not your job to bring him down the spiral with you. "I'm sorry, Gar."

Gar is really good at reading people. He's spent so much time alone or in silence around other people that reading them has become a second nature thing for him. He can just do it without even thinking about it and he's normally right. The way you’re talking to him, the way you’re dodging his eyes, the way you were faking a smile during a movie that's supposed to be your favorite, there is something serious going through your head. Gar has to think it's more than just flashbacks because you would tell him about it. You walk the tower together, every single night to make sure Jerry isn't around so you can sleep. You’ve popped into his room twice now due to a nightmare. Something is going on and he's scared for you.

"I just want you to tell me what's going on." Gar almost pleads with her.

"I just want to be alone." Your voice is defeated, almost begging him to understand. "Can we just talk tomorrow about it, please? I'll come to you, I will. But for tonight, I just want to be alone about it."

Gar nods and he gives up. He won't force you to talk even though he's worried. But, his biggest fear is you going after Jerry and you promised you wouldn't do that. So, he takes your word for it and accepts it.

"Promise?" Gar asks.

"I promise." You give him a soft and small cornered smile. "Thank you for being here for me. You're really sweet, Gar." You nod at him, your eyes filled of heartache.

"No problem." Gar gives you a tight-lipped smile.

You close the distance between you and wrap your arms tightly around his neck. He always smells like strawberries, the smell of home to you. Gar wraps his arms around you tightly, almost begging you not to let go. If you’re hugging him, it means you aren't going off the deep end and you aren't going to spiral alone. He's right there and he will always be here. And you feel warm and comfortable, holding him close to you. He's always so warm, he just radiates heat and you adore it. You swear you could never feel cold or alone again as long as Gar is near. But, right now, your bones are aching to be frozen. Your heart is pleading with you to let the cold shatter you into a million shards. Every part of you wants to be freezing because freezing is sometimes so much easier than being warm.

Freezing is being alone and tired. Freezing is the feeling right before the rage sets in. Freezing is the acceptance of the rage that will come and the actions to follow. Everyone talks about how anger is red and hot. But, for you, it's always been subzero temperatures because it's lonely being so angry. At least when you’re warm, it means you have someone in your corner, cheering you on, not letting the ice freeze over you when you’re drowning, trapping yourself in a lake. Being hot is allowing yourself to vent and get it all out but freezing keeps you in place. Pondering and pacing about every horrible thing you’ve been dealt, the anger is the only thing keeping your heart pumping and something about the cold is addictive like a menthol cigarette so you let him go.

"Thank you."

Gar nods. "Just, come to my room if you change your mind." Gar's hands linger on your back and you nod.

Gar breaks away and leaves you to yourself, a sense of guilt filling his stomach. It doesn't feel right but he doesn't know what else to do. He can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped even if that's the hardest pill to swallow. Gar is always the helper but you don't want his help. And he wonders if you’re too far gone to be helped right now. You’ve been through a lot and he wonders what is too much for one person. At some point, does someone just lose it and become something worse in the end? He doesn't want you to end up like that. But, he goes to his room and shuts the door, keeping it unlocked in case you change your mind, begging the universe to let you change your mind.

But you don't.

You decide you can wait until everyone goes to bed and then head to the comms lab. There you can look up Jerry, just like Jason and Gar did with you. You can probably get his address since this is Batman's house. Surely, the computers have access to a bunch of shit they shouldn't. From there, you can get a cab or an uber or walk if you have to, all the way to Jerry's and kick his ass.

In all honesty, you aren't completely sure if you’re ready but you have enough confidence and rage to shrug it off. If he knows you’re alive and kicking, that's almost enough. He has to know he did not win against you and it is not over. You want revenge and justice and you want him to never do that to anyone else again. And in your head, this plan will work. If he comes after you, he’ll have to fight the others Titans, too and he’ll lose.

You choose to ignore how Dick will react when he finds out. Dick has the codes for the whole building that monitors who comes and goes at any time. Surely, he'll know someone left and when he checks the camera, he'll see you. If he figures it out, so be it. You’re perfectly willing to take the chance, especially because you know Robin wasn't always a defensive fighter. You’ve seen your share of older Robin videos when Robin still would have been Dick and he would fight unprovoked sometimes. You’re sure he had a reason but the other guys didn't start the fight. To you, going to Jerry to pick a fight, is justified. So, you wait it out in your room.

It's been about three hours when you decide the coast is probably clear and safe for you to head out. You open your door and check the hallway, only seeing faint light from the city. You take that as a good enough sign everyone is in bed and you head to the comms lab. From there, you input the code which you find to be a bit funny that all of you have access to it. Getting Jerry's address was a lot easier than you expected it to be. It was in your files from the foster care system, even his Gotham address was in there which, apparently, he still owns the home.

Once you have the address in your phone, you head back to your room. You figured you'd get the address first and then get changed into something all black. This way, if you happened to wake someone up while getting the address, you could buy a little more time just to make sure no one was onto you. And it seemed to work. You changed without any issue and are on your way out, walking into the common area and almost to the elevator when a voice scares you.

"What're you doing?" He gives a scruffy laugh.

You wince, freezing and slowly turning around. "What are you doing?" You echo, crossing your arms.

Jason is seated at the snack bar, arms over his chest and a devilish grin tugging at his lips. "Asked you first." Jason quips.

"I'm not doing anything. Your turn."

Jason gets up from his seat at the barstools. He knew you'd be up to something. No one gets that mad about something and just lets it go during a two-hour movie. He actually thought you'd go to the training room and end up hurting yourself somehow so he waited and listened for you to come out of your room. He went straight for the kitchen only to see you not there and you weren't in the training room. So, he waited, curious as to what you were up to.

"Right." Jason nods, walking up to you. "Ya look like you're up to something." Jason looks you up and down, noticing the all-black attire, something you don't normally wear.

"You look like you're up to something." You raise, stumbling on your words. You have nothing. No ammunition in your arsenal for him. Jason isn't stupid or gullible.

"You're fucking bad at this, ya know that?"

"Bad at what?" You plays dumb.

"You're going to find him, aren't you?" His eyes narrow just slightly as his brows twitch up and you think he might actually be intrigued.

You pause and are you that obvious? Of course, you do look suspicious creeping around the tour at two in the morning when everyone else is asleep. You’re not in pajamas, you look like you’re going to rob someone. It's not a good look and you almost feels dumb for thinking you'd get away with it. But, why is Jason up then?

"You gonna stop me?" You challenge him.

Jason lets out a breath. "Nope." He shakes his head and you raise a brow at him. "Dick's gonna kill you if he finds out though."

"So, don't tell him." You snip.

"Let me come with you." Jason's eyes look you up and down. He doesn't want you to go alone. If it goes south, well, he'd rather not think about that.

"No." You chortle back. "This is my thing."

"Yeah? And if he has powers? You think of that?" Jason questions.

"I have powers. I can take him." You shake your head, your voice defensive but almost whiney.

"Come on." Jason sighs. "Just to make sure you don't get yourself killed or some shit."

You narrow your eyes. "Didn't realize you cared so much about my well-being." Sarcasm drips off your words and you almost think Jason has some other angle he’s trying to work here.

"You always gotta be such a bitch?" The last word has a touch of sarcasm to it.

"You always gotta be such an asshole?" You echo him in the same tone.

Jason gains the smallest of grins as he licks his lips. "I won't tell Dick."

You shake your head and it is a good idea to bring him. As much as you want to think you can take Jerry on your own, he has a point. For all you know, he does have powers and if his powers are better than yours or stronger, you'll need help. You haven't had the training and despite Jason not having powers, he's very good without them and can hold his own. Bringing him would at least probably make sure you don't get herself killed or recaptured.

"Fine." You sigh. "Okay."

"I'm gonna go get my suit." Jason’s voice fills with excitement as he spins on his heels, heading towards his room.

"Of course you are." You nod and take a seat at one of the chairs while you wait for Jason.

Jason doesn't take long, he was much quicker than you thought he would be. But when he comes out, you get to actually see him in the Robin suit for the first time in person. A part of you thinks he looks a little ridiculous, it's something about the cape. You never understood the cape. Hasn't Batman ever seen the Incredibles? But, there's another part that finds it pretty endearing. He holds himself higher in the suit, and it's not just the boots adding around three inches to his height. Jason is even daunting a genuine smile.

"What?" Jason asks, catching the look you’re giving him.

You move from your place at the counter and walk over to him. You get a better look at the detail and you’ve never seen a suit up close. It's kind of cool actually. You reach out and touch the cape, it doesn't feel like a standard, run-the-of-mill fancy fabric. It’s interesting and it’s a lot thicker than you thought but it doesn’t feel heavy.

"Made with zylon fibers." Jason gives this arrogant grin as you drop the cape.

"Mm." You hum. "Which is what?" You eye him carefully.

"Synthetic material." Jason explains and wiggles his brows. "Six times stronger than kevlar." He is beaming and it sends a rush of bubbles to your stomach.

"So, you're bulletproof?" You ask, matching the smirking expression on Jason's face.

"Pretty much, flame retardant, too." Jason's head is held high and there's this look in his eyes as if expecting you to be amazed and impressed.

You have to drop the teasing grin, turning more into amazement because of course you’re amazed by it. "That's..."

"Sick, right?"

"Yeah, actually. That's fucking awesome." You gush. You never understood the cape but now you do. It protects him and suddenly, you actually really like it. On him.

Jason laughs softly to himself, looking to ground and back to you. "Ready to kick some ass?"

"Hell yeah." You nod your head, quickly walking to the elevator.

"Here." Jason hands you a helmet as you both get into the elevator.

"Oh, you really have a bike?" You ask as you take the black full-face helmet from him.

"Why is that shocking?" Jason chortles.

You shrug. "Dunno, guess it makes sense. You're not like a bad driver, right?" You tease him.

"Fuck you." Jason scoffs. "Can you even drive?"

"Shut up." You huff. "No, I was held captive, remember?" Your eyes widen at him.

"I can teach you." Jason holds his head high, keeping his stare forward.

"Sounds illegal, Jason."

"Because what we're doing is legal."

"What if you just drive me around?" You give him a toothy smile.

"I'm not your chauffeur but nice try." Jason laughs and he knows if you asked, he'd drive you across the country.

"Awww." You pout your bottom lip at him but Jason just rolls his eyes.

"Real cute." Sarcasm drips from his words.

"I know." You give him a cheeky smile.

The rest of the elevator ride is quiet and you follow Jason to the parking garage. His bike is parked off in a corner with a cover. Jason rips the cover off with ease. The bike is a matte black Kawasaki sports bike. Of course, it's a sports bike, Jason wouldn't have a cruiser. Somehow, it's all very fitting and the very idea of Jason driving something like a Prius makes you almost laugh to yourself. The bike is better.

"Come on." Jason nods his head towards the bike as he swings a leg over, kicking up the kickstand.

You follow his lead, Jason tilting the bike slightly so you can actually get on. Once you’re situated, Jason looks over his shoulder at you and he has this boom in his chest. He doesn't let people on his bike but you’re different. You’re on a mission and he's not gonna let you get yourself killed. And he's in his Robin suit while you’re dressed in something of a suit yourself since it's not your usual wardrobe. Jason doesn't think he needs help kicking ass but the idea of having you with him? That's something he could definitely get used to. Maybe you'll make a good team.

"Ever been on a bike before?" Jason asks.

"Nope." You pop the 'p'.

"Alright, just hold on." Jason smirks at you and you deadpan.

"Ya know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say this is your way of hitting on me." Your mouth twitches up into a teasing grin.

"Good thing you know better." Jason quips, the smirk not budging. "Put on the helmet." Jason says as he slides his on, buckling it under his chin. You follow his lead, the helmet a little big on you but you’re not going to complain. A helmet is a helmet. "Hold on." Jason nods once at you before sliding the face shield down and turning back around. You put your own shield down and hold onto his waist, the cape bunched between the two of you.

Jason takes off and your grip tightens around him. You’ve never even known anyone who owns a motorcycle, let alone had the chance to be on one and it's a bit scary at first, especially with you not knowing how Jason is as a driver. But, after a few minutes, you get used to it and find it a bit fun. It's a little cold with the winds against you but the city zips by you and there's a thrill and a sense of freedom that comes with it. You get why he likes it.

You gave Jason the address in the elevator so his phone could give him the directions. The GPS instructs him through the com system in the helmets. Jerry's house is just outside of the city. Not too far from where Dick had found you and you get why you were dumped there. You looked like just another homeless kid and if you were dead, it's likely the police would have thought that's all you were. Another homeless kid, another runaway, another addict. Maybe they would have cared a little bit here but you grew up in Gotham where it was normal so you don't think it would have been a big deal. But, finding a body in suburbia? That's almost always some type of big thing. The city makes sense.

You reach Jerry's house in about twenty minutes but Jason parks in the alley. The alley behind the house is secluded, no cameras and some bushes that shield you and the bike. You get off the bike first and then Jason. While Jason pushes it towards a tree to hide it a bit more, you stand outside the fence leading into Jerry's yard.

It's a pale wooden picket fence with a gate. It's basic but not too basic like the Cleavers, not to raise suspicion probably. But it makes your blood pressure spike. You can't believe you’re back here and you could turn around, call it quits. This could end badly. It definitely could and your plan wasn't well thought out. What are you supposed to do? Walk inside and just go off? What if one of the neighbors hears? What happens if this gets you and Jason arrested? Does Dick have any pull here to get you both out of it? If he does, would he help you or just Jason? Maybe this was a bad idea.

"You alright?" Jason asks as he stands next to you.

You look to him, worry written across your face. "Yeah, uh, j-j-just can't believe I'm here."

Even in the dim light of the alley, Jason can see there's something wrong. "If you wanna go back, we can."

You’re seriously considering it but you’re so mad. The broadcast plays back in your head, them calling Jerry a fucking hero. He's a hero? You’re standing next to fucking Robin. You were welcomed into being a fucking Titan and Jerry, Jerry the abusive piece of shit is a hero. That sends your blood into a boil again and eases every what-if situation from your brain.

"No, I'm good." You nod up at Jason before walking up to the gate.

You unlock the gate, allowing Jason in first while you close the gate behind you. And then there’s the house. It's such a basic, small, family suburban home. It's a light red brick, white trim. One floor with a decent patio and patio furniture. It is so simple and so basic, no one would ever know what happens in that house and that irks you. It's not a creepy run-down place where everyone has some type of urban legend about him kidnapping kids. His house, his perfectly cut yard, him, it all seems so fucking normal and he might as well be a Cleaver.

"Gonna break down the door or some shit?" Jason asks just above a whisper.

You roll your eyes at him. "He's such an upstanding citizen, surely he has a key, right?" You ask, looking up to Jason.

"Lead the way then." Jason gestures a hand out in front of him.

You walk over to the door and you do find it a bit convenient that the fence Jerry chose is so high. Someone would need a step stool to actually see over the fence and he has a fair amount of trees as well. You push the idea of why he'd want so much privacy away as you go up to the door.

"If I were a fucking psycho, where would I hide a key?" You ask, mostly to yourself as you look around. "Flowerpot is too obvious and so is the rock and the mat." You mutter and Jason watches you, questioning if you'll actually find a key. "I don't want people to think I'm a psycho so I would have a key, in case I get locked out or something." You continue. "Somewhere people can get but not too...." You crouch beside the glass outdoor table and look under it. "Idiot." You scoff as you find a key duct taped under the table. You rip it from the table and pop back up. "Got it."

"Nice." Jason congratulates you. "How'd you know?"

"Spent a lot of time here, you figure out where people would hide shit when you literally have nothing else to do but watch them." You explain as you walk to the door, gently placing the key in the keyhole.

"Fair enough." Jason shrugs. "Hey, you're not gonna kill him, right?" Jason asks as you get the door unlocked. He doesn't want you to get killed but he doesn't want you to get that kind of blood on your hands. None of you are supposed to be killing people, even if they might deserve it and Jason's worried Dick might kick you out if you do. Jason has a bad feeling about it.

"Of course, not." You shake your head. "I hate him and want him dead but I won't give him that satisfaction either." You assure him.

You take a deep breath, hand on the handle of the door. You shake your head and open it quietly. You take a few steps inside, Jason right behind you. You can hear a TV coming from the front of the house and a faint light coming from in front of you. You walk quietly through the kitchen, the TV getting louder as you approach the open room with the light.

Jerry is sat in a Laz-E-Boy recliner watching some game show. He looks so comfortable and content. That's enough for you to lose all of your inhibitions. You walk from behind the wall and come right into plain view, something Jason did not expect you to do. He thought maybe you'd sneak up on him but this is bold and that's when he starts to worry that you'll actually lose it. So, he walks up behind you.

You have a harsh stare on Jerry as he jumps slightly in his seat, the appearance of two people in the house catching him off guard. You know it's because he's too comfortable with where he is. No one expects anything, why would he be the one on guard? Meanwhile, you’ve been living in a constant state of paranoia.

"Y/n?" Jerry says your name and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard coming from him. But all you do is stare at him, fighting off the warming of your hands. He can't know he won.

He stands up from his recliner and makes the short walk over to you, expecting you to back away in fear but you don't. You hold yourself tall, not breaking eye contact with the stare that could kill. Jason takes a step forward as if it were an instinct, almost waiting for Jerry to do something, ready for Jason to not let him lay a hand on you. Jerry ignores him and instead, gains a sinister smile as he looks down to you.

"You're back." His voice is almost cocky like he knew that if you were alive somewhere, you'd show back up and you can't quite figure out why he would ever think that. You'd rather be on the streets. It's not like you weren't on the streets before. "I thought you were dead." He scoffs like it's some sort of taunt, a warning maybe.

Maybe he would kill you now if given the chance. Maybe that was his intention. You can't fucking tell what the point of it is. What you do know, is that you’re fucking done looking at his smug face.

"Surprise, bitch!" You yell before grabbing his head and bringing it down, kneeing him in the face in one quick motion.

Jason takes a step back, allowing you to just go at it. Jerry stumbles and you don't take a second to let him breathe. You’re quick to start landing punches and kicks, using all of your strength. You grab the collar of his shirt and drag him to the ground before punching his face as hard as you can. Punch after punch lands and you can't figure out who you are or what you’re doing now. Everything has turned red. Flashes of what he did to you cross your eyes with every blink. Everything comes back in a tidal wave, pulling you under so far you can't focus on anything besides making sure he never gets up to do that to you again. But at some point, it starts to look concerning from where Jason is standing.

You’re going to kill him if he doesn't stop you. Jerry had no chance which, if Jason wants to be honest, is a bit surprising. You haven't been training long and you’re not great at it. You have a lot of fight though, he'll give you that but he never thought you'd hold your own, not yet anyway. Jason always felt you had a long way to go and so did Dick. But, apparently, the rage and adrenaline flooding you is enough to fill the gaps of your fighting technique and it's scaring him a little. He won't let you kill him.

Jason moves behind you, bending over and wrapping his arms around you, pulling you off of him. You fight Jason as hard as you can but Jason is still much stronger than you are. You punch and kick the air, tears wetting your cheeks, something you hadn't even noticed.

"Let me go!" You wiggle around but Jason just wraps his arms tighter, falling to the floor with you.

"You're gonna fucking kill him." Jason says in your ear. "Stop." Jason holds you against his chest. He will not let you kill him as much Jason wants to see him dead. You don't deserve to live with his blood on your hands. He won't let you.

"I don't fucking care!" Your voice nearly cracks as you fight him. Everything is red and blurry. You hate him and you aren't done yet. He tortured you for a year. You want a few more punches in. You don't care that he's not moving.

"Fucking stop!" Jason yells at you. "You're not fucking killing him, alright? And I'm not letting you go until you stop." His voice comes back down and his grip is still tight.

"He doesn't deserve to live!" The yell that comes from you is more of a sob. "He was gonna kill me!"

"I know." Jason's voice is understanding but stern. "You can't kill him. That's what he wants you to do. You wanna be like him?"

You pause for a second, trying to regain your breath. Your heart thunders in your chest while your stomach burns. You don't want to be like him but you hate him so much. Jerry stole so much from you and he's so content with himself. It's not fucking fair and how are you supposed to live knowing that? But, with Jason holding you still, you get a look at Jerry for the first time without tears clouding your vision. He's covered in blood. There's blood coming from his nose and his mouth, red marks smothering his face. He's unconscious and you know Jason is right. You can't kill him.

"Okay." You suck in a shaky breath, a hiccup following. "Okay."

"I will drag you outta here kicking and screaming if you go again, alright?" Jason asks before loosening his grip.

"Okay." You nod, swallowing the hard lump in your throat. You can't kill him but you do need to check something. "Stay." You mutter to him, your legs weak as you get up, nearly tripping over Jason. 

"Where the fuck are you--"

"I'll be back." You start your walk down a hallway off the living room, almost zombie-like.

Jason sits on the floor, staring at Jerry. He really hates this fucker, too. But he knows you're gonna have to get out of here soon. He doesn't think you were too loud and he checks the windows, not seeing any of the neighbors' lights turned on. But, you can't spend too much time just in case. So, he ties Jerry up with some rope he brought and gags him, just to make sure he doesn't come to and escape while Jason grabs you.

Jason walks down the hall and spots you standing outside of a door with several locks going up to the doorframe. You’re just standing there, not moving or saying anything. It doesn't take a mastermind to figure out that's the door to the basement. That's the only reason there would be so many locks. The guy was prepared for you, or anyone, to try and break out. Jason knows why you never could now. All those locks, what looks to be a thick door. You never would have had the strength and it breaks his heart.

"We gotta get outta here, Y/n." Jason says from behind you, there's an urgency to his voice.

"Door is locked." You mutter, almost as if you’re in a haze.

"Yeah." Jason agrees and he's watching you carefully, not sure what you’re going to do next.

"It wouldn't be locked if he didn't have a replacement." You shake your head, the fury you felt just seconds ago fades knowing what you'll find in that basement.

Jason's heart sinks into his stomach. He never thought you'd find someone else and he hopes you’re wrong. But, just in case you’re not, he doesn't fight you when you reach for the locks with bloody and shaky hands. You unlock six lock and open the door with hesitance. A single lightbulb illuminates the landing at the bottom of the stairs. You remember sitting there for hours before Jerry finally chained you up.

You'd run up the stairs at full speed, running into the door. It never worked and it usually led to you falling down at least a few stairs. It's nightmare fuel. But, you take a deep breath and forces yourself to walk down the stairs. Jason looks over his shoulder, making sure Jerry isn't behind you and he follows you carefully.

You’re steady with your steps as you reach the bottom. The basement is the exact same how you remember it. Dingy and grey, bad lighting, and nothing for any source of entertainment. There's no sign of food or water. All there is Jerry's experiment table with a medicine cabinet. He keeps sedatives in there from what you remember. Your bones ache as you look around until you spot the dentist-style chair you spent so much time in. But it's not empty.

"Oh, fuck." Jason sighs behind you, seeing a boy chained to the chair.

"You should call Dick." You say, your voice flat.

"He's gonna be pissed. Are you sure?" Jason looks to you and he knows it's the right thing to do but he won't call if you’re not sure.

"Yeah, he'll know what to do." You nod your head as you make your way to the boy.

Jason pauses for a second and watches you. It's great that you came and found this kid but he wonders how bad it's gonna mess you up. It'd mess anyone up, returning to the place of horrors to find someone else in their place. But, Jason doesn't sit on it, he runs up the stairs to call Dick and check on Jerry.

You approach the boy who can't be more than ten. You’re a little relieved looking at him. His cheeks are still pudgy and he doesn't seem to have any bruises or swelling. But the boy is scared, jerking away from you to the best of his ability.

"Hey, I-I-I'm Y/n." You whisper to him. "I'm not gonna hurt you." You take one of the chains in your hands, using the other to melt the chain away from where it had him connected to the ground. Once the boy is freed, he's almost too scared to move. "Did he hurt you?" You ask.

"N-no." The boy's voice is small.

"Okay." You offer him a small but warm smile. "We're gonna get you out of here, okay?" The boy shakes his head. "My friend is upstairs and he's calling another one to help. Do you have parents?" You ask. The boy nods. "Do you know where they are?"

"M-my mom's...." The boy struggles for words, voice shaking. "In the hospital."

"Foster care until she's better?" You ask and the boy nods. "Okay, um...I used to live here, too." You tell him. "It's pretty scary but then my friends saved me. He's not gonna hurt you, okay?"

"Where is he?" The boy asks.

"Upstairs." You answer plainly and you catch the boy glancing to your hands. You finally realize they're covered in blood, seeing a few deep cuts on your knuckles. "It's just mine, I'm okay." You partially lie to him. "Are you from here?" The boy nods again. "I'm from Gotham. Heard of it?"

"Batman is from there." The boy says.

"Yeah," You give him a smile. "Pretty cool, right? Batman and Robin fighting bad guys." You see a faint smile pull at his lips. "Robin is upstairs, that's who my friend is."

"Your friend is Robin?"

"Mhm." You hum. "Pretty cool, right?" You ask him and he nods again, this time with a little more energy. "Don't tell anyone, but he's kind of twerp." You try to lighten the mood and the boy laughs faintly. "His cape is bulletproof though so I guess that makes up for it."

"It's bulletproof?" The boy's voice picks up just slightly.

"I know right, he just told me though and it's fireproof."

"That's cool."

"Right? It's pretty fancy."

"Why don't you have a suit?"

"I'm not really a hero yet but maybe I can talk to his guy about it one day." You scrunch your nose.

After a few more minutes of conversation with the boy, you mostly trying to keep him distracted, Dick shows up. He is pissed, so beyond pissed in fact, he almost doesn't look mad. He can't believe you and Jason really snuck out of the tower on your own and went to hunt down Jerry. Behind his back. You both have actually lost your minds. Dick doesn't know what he's supposed to do with the two of you. You can't do this, this is not what the Titans do. This was just reckless. Sure, you’re new and still filled with unresolved trauma, but Jason? He expects so much more from him.

Jason directs Dick into the basement after Dick sees Jerry. Dick just held the bridge of his nose while Jason explained what happened. He really cannot believe this but he just tells Jason to make sure Jerry doesn't go anywhere while he goes to get you. Dick walks down into the basement and he gets a sense of what you went through. This was the only thing you saw for an entire year. The only person you saw was Jerry and it sheds some light on how you ended up here right now. Not fully because Jason didn't get much chance to explain what lead you on a mission tonight of all nights.

But, Dick shelves it for the time being as he sees you with a boy. This fucker had another kid trapped. It's unbelievable and Dick should have done something about him himself. It always should have been your fight but had Dick known there was another kid, he would have done it. This shouldn't have had to fall onto your shoulders.

"That's my other friend, who's friends with Robin." You tell the boy as Dick approaches.

"I'm gonna take over, is that alright?" Dick asks the boy and smiles kindly at him.

"He's the one that found me and saved me. You can trust him." You give the boy a reassuring smile. And the boy gives you a nod.

Dick pulls you aside. "Are you okay?" Dick asks, seeing the blood on your hands.

You nod. "Yeah, I think it's mostly Jerry's." You whisper to him, not making eye contact.

"Okay, good." Dick nods with a hand on his hip. "Home. Now." Dick says through gritted teeth. "I will deal with the both of you when I get back." Dick shoos you upstairs and you wave at the boy before darting up the stairs.

You find Jason in the living room with Jerry still. You find it a little hard to look at Jason and Jerry. Jerry is a little too bloody and you’re thankful Jason pulled you off of him. You shouldn't kill him and you don't actually want to. Had Jason not been there, you’re afraid you wouldn't have been able to stop. You hope you would have but you’re not sure. But, Jason also witnessed all of that and that's the embarrassing part of it.

"Let's go." You ignore Jerry, walking past Jason and heading to the back door.

Jason is right on your heels, following you outside. He hates that he had to call Dick for this but Jason doesn't know how to handle another victim. You sure as shit shouldn't have to. Dick could at least, probably, clean up the mess. He was a detective and he is, legally, Bruce Wayne's son. Jason is sure Dick won't have issues with this but if it were just Jason and you, that might be an issue. He knows he had to but he still hates it.

"Hey." Jason calls after you as you open the gate but you ignore him. "Y/n." Jason continues as you reach the bike.

"Yeah." You say, turning to face him.

"You alright? That was nuts." Jason's words have almost a touch of hesitance.

"Peachy."

"Don't bullshit me." Jason scoffs.

You don’t ignore him. You never ignore him and you have a distant look in your eyes. He knows you’re not okay and you shouldn’t be after that.

You shake your head. "I don't fucking know, alright?" You grab the helmet from the ground. "Dick's pissed and he'll probably kick me out, ya know? But...Jerry is just..." You scrunch your nose as if fighting off something between fury and agony. "A monster."

Jason nods, walking up to you. "Yeah, he's a piece of dog shit. Doesn't deserve shit from anyone." Jason agrees with you. "Do you feel better?"

You shake your head weakly this time. "No." You finally make eye contact with him. "Not really."

"You should." Jason states. "He deserved it."

"I dunno." You scoff, your eyes feeling heavy as the adrenaline starts to crash. "I'm just..." You pause, looking away from him. "I'm so...pissed, I guess? But then I'm sad and upset and then I get mad again." You rolls your shoulders. "Like all I wanna do is lose my fucking mind over it but then I can't because I have to have some sort of control. Like I can't just take it out, it's bottling up over and over. And this didn't help the way I thought it would because it still fucking happened to me." You choke down a cry. "It's fucking heavy and it still fucking happened and....it didn't fucking help."

Jason looks to the ground, feeling sad for you. He's never been through anything like this. You have similar trauma from Gotham but this, this is uncharted. He can't imagine what you’ve gone through. Just the glimpse tonight tells him it was, without a doubt, torture. But he wants to help because he cares about you. Jason cares more about you than he has about anyone else. You deserve better.

He gestures a hand, making a fist at you to signal for you to give him the helmet. You hand it over. "Take it out on me." Jason offers, switching the helmet from his right hand to his left. "And put it on me." His words are filled of ease as if it were the easiest thing he's ever said.

"What?" You furrow your brows at him, your eyes scanning over his face.

"Take it out on me. You're fucking pissed about it? Spar with me, I'll go easy on you so you can get all that shit out. You're fucking sad about it? Rant to me until you feel better." Jason looks to the ground and then back to you. "I'll carry your shit for you, alright?"

"W-why?"

Jason doesn't tell people how he feels, not usually. It makes him uncomfortable. It puts too much pressure on him. It makes him too exposed to the elements of being broken. He cares about you and he knows you’re not that dense. He doesn't have to tell you.

Jason shrugs. "Just trying to help."

You wipe your face with your shoulder, feeling a sad smile come to your face. "That's awfully nice of you, Jay."

Jason finds the nickname endearing coming from you. "I can be nice."

"Sometimes." You joke softly. "Um...thanks for...coming with." Your smile falls as your brows furrow. "And for not letting me kill him."

Jason's smile is warm. "Anytime." The warmth in Jason's chest is nice, comforting even and something he hasn't felt, ever. "Let me see your hand." Jason sticks out his hand as he closes the small distance between you but you just quirk a brow at him. "Your hands are covered in blood, let me see how bad it is, damn."

You laugh softly, putting your right hand in his. "Starting to hurt a little." You mutter as you pull out your phone, shining the flashlight on your hand.

"You brought your phone?" Jason laughs. "Dick could have tracked that." Jason shakes his head, examining your hand. "Shit's gonna hurt in the morning."

"Yeah, pretty sure I got his teeth in a few punches."

"No fucking shit." Jason chortles, seeing the cuts across your hand. "You gotta clean this when we get back."

"Yeah, that'll be fun." You scoff. "Ready to get out of here?" You ask.

Jason drops your hand, giving you the helmet back. "Don't get blood on my suit." He smirks at you, waking just past you to grab his own helmet.

"I'll try my best." You mock, waiting for him to mount the bike. "Bulletproof, fireproof, but what? Blood stains are where the line is drawn?"

"No, I just don't that dickweed's blood on my suit." Jason chortles.

"Mhm." You follow his lead, getting on the bike as he leans it. "Sure, that's it."

"Shut up and put the damn helmet on." Jason shakes his head, putting his own helmet on. You laugh, putting the helmet on and sliding the face shield down before leaning forward and wrapping your arms around his waist. "Ready?" He asks, barely looking over his shoulder and he feels you nod against his back before turning around and sliding his face shield down and taking off.

Back at the tower, you and Jason go your separate ways for a few minutes. You go into the bathroom to start cleaning up your hands and Jason goes off to his room to change out of his suit. While you get the supplies, you’re faced with some confusing feelings.

Jason is a lot of fun to flirt with and he's really cute. You actually like his arrogance and snarkiness. He's tough and smart, much smarter than people wanna give him credit for but you also know he's dangerous. He's rough around the edges and a bit of a wild child. Jason is just as fucked up as you are and you find a sense of comfort in that. He chooses to be angry and have a bit more violence to himself. He can be kind of soft if the moment fits, but he likes to fight. And for you, it's comforting because that's the only thing you want to do lately. Fight and be angry. It's nice to know you’re not alone in that. And he makes you feel safe and understood without even trying. But, you do also find a sense of comfort in Gar.

Gar never would have let you go tonight. He would have been able to talk you out of it. Jason didn't even really try. Gar, despite his trauma, chooses to be kind and gentle. It's a foreign concept to you. To choose the opposite of what you’re dealt. But there is something refreshing in it. There's something refreshing in his optimism even if his optimism seems a little forced like maybe that's his way of dealing with his trauma. You worry Gar pushes it all away so far it'll snap back like a rubberband one day. But Gar does it anyway and he's also very cute and smart and funny. You like the same movies and same tv shows. There are common interests. For you, you like them both for different reasons. So, maybe your best bet is to keep those feelings to yourself. You don't want to ruin anything between the three of you.

You start the water and stick your hands underneath, stinging and burning consuming your hands. You hiss as you try to wash the cuts.

"Need help?" Jason asks from the doorway, watching you struggle to keep your hands under the water.

"Fucking please. This shit hurts and I need two hands." You groan which makes Jason laugh as he walks in.

"Lemme see." Jason holds out his hands for yours.

He looks over the cuts on your hands, now with less blood and better lighting. Bloody and bruised knuckles aren't new to him. He swears there was a point where they were always bruised. He saw purple skin across his hands more than he saw his normal skin tone. Since, being Robin though, the gloves take most of the blows. He doesn't miss it, the ache of bruises and scratching from healing scabs. But, he at least knows how to deal with it.

Jason grabs the antiseptic wipes from the counter that you had already taken out and takes your left hand in his. He doesn't warn you, he just goes right for it and starts cleaning the cuts gently. You hiss, swearing under your breath as the stinging consumes the cut.

"Sorry." Jason offers an apologetic glance as he continues. "They aren't that bad, the cuts." Jason explains.

"Hurt like a bitch though."

"Because you beat the shit out of someone." Jason chuckles. "It happens."

"Mhm." You hum, watching him carefully.

Gentle is not a word you would use to describe Jason Todd. In fact, in the month and a half you’ve been here, you don't think you’ve ever seen him actually be gentle about anything. But, he is now and maybe that's why you’re so infatuated with him sometimes. He's not as two-dimensional as he comes across. There's a lot about him that's just some façade, maybe to push people away so he doesn't get hurt. After what he's been through, you  sympathize with that. But, you wish he'd drop the act a little. It's fun, sure, but you want to know more about him and find out what really goes on inside that head of his.

"Tell me something about you." You say, keeping your eyes on your hands as Jason switches to the clean the other one.

"Like what?" He asks, his voice flat.

You shrug. "Dunno, something though. Like, something not a lot of people know about you."

Jason pauses, keeping your hand in his as he looks to you, expecting you to have some type of teasing expression but you don't. Your eyes hold curiosity and a sense of calmness. This isn't normally how you communicate. It's just banter and flirting but you seem genuine now. It makes him shift.

"Why?"

"Because." You shrug again as you look at him. "Curious, I guess. I won't tell anyone." Your eyes widen, this time a bit teasing. "I'll tell you something."

"No." Jason shakes his head, not having the game.

Letting people close? Not his strong suit. To him, there's no reason to tell you. What you're doing is fun. He's having a great time and he doesn't wanna ruin it by getting a little too real with you. The trauma is almost easier to talk about it because you’ve been through it. But talking about the things that make Jason, Jason, the stuff underneath the trauma, that's the hard shit. That's the shit no one can just know. The trauma is public information. It's not that easy to just talk about.

"What're you so afraid of?" You ask, the lack of teasing in your voice is almost making Jason uncomfortable.

"I'm not afraid of anything." Jason snarks, lying to himself.

"Hmm." You hum. "We're all afraid of something, Jay." There's that nickname again. "Just, I dunno, tell me something real about you."

You make it so tempting. It's the way you smile at him where he knows you’re being serious but the very corner of the right side of your mouth twitches into a grin, just slightly. It's a kind of taunt thing you do with him when you’re trying not to and it makes his stomach flip like he's on a rollercoaster. Something in the way your hand lays gently in his and the way you let him in during vulnerable moments, makes him want to tell you.

Jason sighs, going back to cleaning your hand. "If you tell anyone, I'll kick your ass." Jason warns and you smile, crossing your heart with your free hand. "You know the story. Mom's a smack addict, dad's a dumbass who got himself killed, uncle same shit." Jason explains and you nod even though he can't see you. "Foster care, the streets, juvie."

"Lifting cars?" You ask.

"Amongst other shit, yeah." Jason nods, tossing the antiseptic wipe into the trash and grabbing a roll of gauze from beside you. "I found this school when I was on the streets and slept in the rafters of the auditorium." Jason talks and he gains this gentle smile, one of fondness. He shrugs a shoulder. "I'd watch the theater kids at night when they'd have a show." Jason pauses. "Got pretty into it."

Your heart warms with him talking. The thought of Jason Todd being a theater nerd? Amazing, funny, endearing. Explains why he's so dramatic. It's not what you expected in the best way. That's the kind of real shit you want to know about him. No one would have ever guessed that's his thing and you think it's adorable.

"Huh." You hum as Jason finishes wrapping your left hand. "Didn't peg you for a theater kid."

"Yeah, used to think they were the losers." Jason chuckles, taking your other hand in his. "Now, I wear a mask and a cape."

"That's kind of cute, actually."

"Shut up." Jason groans, thinking you’re messing with him.

"No, I'm serious. Honest, it's cute. Jason Todd, a soft spot for theater. I dunno, I think it's cute."

Jason's eyes narrow as he looks up to you, not sure if he should believe you. But you have soft eyes as you look at him. And your smile is so wide he finds it hard not to believe you. Maybe you were a theater kid and that's your big secret.

"What about you?" Jason asks. "I told you mine. You tell me yours."

"Okay, but you can't laugh." You don't fight him. It's only fair. Jason mimics you crossing your heart, a teasing smile on his face as he licks his lips. You roll your eyes. "I love romance movies."

Jason huffs, trying not to chuckle. "Sorry, sorry." Jason snickers. "You don't seem the type. Your extensive knowledge of horror movies and shit."

You shrug one of your shoulders letting out a sigh. "I love horror movies, man." You laugh. "But, I like romance movies. Ya know, where the guy gets the girl and he holds a boom box over his head. Or throws a fist in the air. I guess, The Breakfast Club isn't romance but I count it. Easy A though with all of the tropes, 13 Going On 30 during the photoshoot scene, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days with Somebody Like You playing in the background." You list some of your favorites. "I also like sad ones, though. I cry every time."

"Yeah?" Jason puts your wrapped hand down, raising his brows at you and instead of stepping away, he keeps the close distance to you. "Why?"

"Dunno." You shrug once more. "I just do. Like I cry every time I watch A Walk To Remember. 'I'm sorry she didn't get her miracle. She did, it was you." You quote the movie. "I ball my eyes out, every single time. Um, the Notebook, of course. Me Before You, I expect him to live every time and every time he dies. The Time Traveler's Wife, PS I Love You when she gets the last letter." You let out a sharp breath. "Shit, I always expect a different ending, but it's all the same and I cry."

Turns out, you're both full of surprises. Jason never would have thought you liked romance films. It's more than your taste for horror, a lot of people like a lot of different genres of movies. It's also because of your attitude. Rom-coms don't seem your thing, you always seemed more of an action or dystopian person to Jason. But, you have a soft side.

"Full of surprises, huh?" Jason chuckles softly.

"Guess so.” There’s a shy smile pulling at your lips and you feel warmer right now with him, than you have in a long time. “What else?" You ask.

"I read." Jason says, finding it easier to talk now. "I'll read pretty much anything. Always liked it but got a bit more into it on the streets. Libraries are free."

"Didn't peg you for a reader, either." Your smile is sweet.

"You a reader?"

You shake your head. "Nah, the act of reading kind of makes me tired." Your eyes widen with annoyance at yourself. "I wish I was, though. My mom used to read me as a kid and that was fine but I try to read and my brain decides I should sleep.” You laugh softly at yourself. You look down, tilting your head to the right. "Alright," You breathe out, looking back to him. "Got any more questions?" You give him a teasing grin, quickly raising your brows at him.

Jason hums and he could ask a million questions. He's liking getting to know you like this but Gar is also his friend. You seem kind of into him, a little at least. As much as he'd like to know what other hobbies keep you entertained or what your favorite memory is, favorite movie, any hidden talents you had, he's thinking maybe he should ask about Gar before this goes anywhere else. Getting to know you more without knowing what your intentions are, freaks him out a little. Why get close if you'll leave? So, he matches the grin and decides to play the game.

"Yeah, actually." Jason lets out a sharp breath, leaning forward. He places a hand on either side of your thighs, resting his hands on the cool countertop, his face just inches from yours. You eye him carefully, your heart banging against your ribs. "What's up with you and Gar?"

You let out a huff, a taunting smirk on your face. "Hmmm." You hum, trying to figure out his angle here. "Why?" You ask, tilting your head to the right.

Jason mimics your action, shrugging slightly. "Can't be curious?"

"You can." You state, trying to ignore the beating of your heart and swirling in your stomach.

"Well?" Jason asks.

You put your hands over his and get just an inch closer to him, playing his game. "Jealous?" You narrow your eyes at him slightly and Jason's heart bounces into his stomach.

The answer is yes. If there's something going on, yes, he's jealous. But, he's not so jealous that it would get in the way of his friendship with Gar or whatever is going on between him and you. That's petty and dumb, Jason has bigger issues than jealousy over a girl. But, there is a tinge of jealousy in his stomach at the thought of you with Gar instead of him. However, he doesn't want to give you that satisfaction. He can tell by the way you asked and the cornered grin you’re giving him, you expect him to say yes. And he won't.

Jason's voice is low, brows raised. "You fucking wish."

You laugh softly, feeling your cheeks burn. Maybe you do want him to be jealous but that sounds like a lot of drama that would be tired and boring. But, you also don't have a witty comeback as much as you want to. No one's ever been able to leave you lost for words but Jason does. He's so quick and smart that it leaves you tongue-tied. He's playing this round-and-round game so long, he's basically an expert. It's fun, though.

Your eyes narrow at him, searching for something to tease him with but you’ve got nothing. You’ve never noticed before but his eyes are really pretty. They're green, not dark green or hazel. They're a muted shade of something like a sea green with a yellow in the center. For a second, you think you could get lost in them like wandering through a forest with no destination or map, just the sun guiding the way. And he has a few dark freckles scattered haphazardly about his face that you want to connect like constellations. He's cute, that was your first impression. Cute. But, taking a second to really look at him, he's kind of beautiful in a tragic kind of way.

"And if I did?" You ask, your brows raising, licking your lips and Jason gives this forced chuckle. The game is being played and neither of you are backing down, so he closes the distance just a bit more, your noses almost touching as Jason eyes your lips.

"Do you?" Jason asks.

His voice has this taunting sense to it, like he's teasing you, about to make fun of you. But there's this hint of curiosity with it and maybe even a want in the tone. Maybe he wants you to wish he were jealous. Maybe that'd make the whole thing easier. You make the move for him.

You rest your forehead against his, Jason's heart about to beat out of his chest and he's never felt this with someone before. He feels dizzy around you, his stomach this bubbly mess. He's excited to see you every single morning. There's this rush that almost, just almost, feels like putting on the Robin suit but different. He gets to be so unapologetically himself with you and that's not something he has ever felt before.

Your nose brushes his and every part of you is ready to dive into him. You feel electrified with him. Nothing about the trauma even matters with him because he's been through it. His mom, his dad, he fucking gets it and you don't have to hide or protect him from it. Jason is this unmovable force that makes your bones ache at the core. You’re trapped in a rain storm but when Jason is around, he's the tunnel you get to drive under. The tunnel that quiets everything around you even when it's still pouring. He makes you feel alive again.

"Maybe." Your voice is a whisper, you’re not ready to commit to closing this. It can't be on you.

The game isn’t so much a game anymore, not right now because you’re too close for that now. You’re trapped with bated breath between you, waiting for the other to finally commit to it. You want him to commit to it so badly you can hardly even breathe. There’s just something about Jason to you that you can’t explain. And, Jason, he wants you.

His lips brush yours and there's hesitance it in. If he kisses you, the game ends. Something will come of this. It might be good and it might be bad. But something will have to come of it. You'll have some sort of discussion about it and he wants you so bad but he wants you to want him, too. So, his lips brush yours and he’s just about to ready to say fuck it and close the distance. And maybe you’ll kiss him back.

"What the fuck?" An exasperated voice pulls yours and Jason's attention towards the door where Dick is standing with his hands on his hips looking absolutely exhausted and pissed and fed the fuck up.

You jerk away, pulling your hands into your lap while Jason quickly moves away from you, his cheeks turning a cherry red. Both of your lips are burning, as if you'd just committed to something that never even happened. It feels like you were hiding some dirty little secret when Dick walked in. You weren't doing anything different than what you normally do but it still felt different. A bit more vulnerable, a bit more hesitant. It felt different and Dick interrupted it. Neither of you even know if the other would go through with it. You hope the other would though.

"Seriously? You nearly kill someone and then you..." Dick gestures at the two of you, trying to figure out what he walked in on. This is not where he saw this going. "Are doing whatever you're doing in here."

"W-we weren't doing anything." You glance between Dick and Jason. It's not a lie even if it feels like one.

Dick shakes his head. No one prepared him to handle this. No one prepared him to handle people who apparently try to kill someone and then have a deep moment later. What is he supposed to do with that? First training behind his back and now this. The two common denominators in this have been you and Jason. In his eyes, Jason must be the bad influence because you’re traumatized and Jason is probably encouraging the bad behavior. He can't let you two just do whatever you want when you want. Someone's going to get killed and he's thinking the two of you together would be the cause.

"This," Dick waves an open hand between the two of you. "Whatever that is, no." Dick says and Jason and you look at him with confusion. Jason shifts his weight to his right foot, putting a hand on his hip while you shake your head as if to be processing what's going on. "You two, no."

"Picking my friends now, huh?" Jason scoffs, annoyance raging from his bones.

"Looked a bit more than that, didn't it?" Dick fires back.

"Well, this is awkward." You huff, more to yourself. "We're friends, Dick." You groan. "I know, hard for you to grasp giving your history, but guys and girls can be friends." Dick's mouth moves as he's trying to figure out what you mean. "Oh, Rachel told me that you hooked up with two of your friends and it seems you still have a thing for both of them. But, one left and the other is dating some other guy who was also your friend and a Titan." You explain, keeping your voice nonchalant and Jason nearly bursts into a fit of laughter watching Dick's face turn red.

"Okay, no, that's not--" Dick shakes his head cutting himself off. "This isn't about me."

"It could be. We could work through your parental problems and really get to the root of the problem because you might have commitment issues. That's what it sounds like." You explain while nodding your head, Jason snickering to the side not able to control himself. Dick's gonna kill you.

"We're not talking about me." Dick groans, growing more annoyed. He has got to do a better job at keeping his private life, private. "Stop deflecting."

"She's very good at it." Jason adds in.

"I think that's all our strong suits, to be fair. Notice that he turned it back to me. Deflecting." You say to Jason.

"No, we're not doing this. I'm not playing your game." Dick sighs. He wants nothing more than to go to bed. He didn't think he signed up to actually parent the new Titans. He almost feels bad for what he put Bruce through. "You're both in deep shit." Dick's voice goes stern again and you accept you can't get out of this one as much as you tried. "I expect more from you." Dick turns his anger onto Jason.

Jason's jaw nearly drops as his eyes widen. How the hell is Dick blaming him? "What?" Jason nearly yells, the word coming out as a scoff.

"You didn't do anything to stop her, did you? You could have come to get me but you didn't." Dick points full blame on Jason and you’re sitting there almost certain this is a weirdly vivid dream. He can't be serious. "You're the oldest, you know better."

"Are you fucking serious?" Jason huffs. "I made sure she didn't kill the fuckface." Jason tries to defend himself.

"You should have come to get me." Dick insists.

"Right," You start, your voice slow as you keep glancing between the two of them. "You're blaming Jason?" You almost laugh at how stupid that it is.

"Let me guess, you take full responsibility because it was your idea and you manipulated him, right?" Dick throws your previous discussion back in your face. "You wanna be Robin again?" Dick turns his attention back to Jason. "Stop fucking up."

You watch the look on Jason's face. His face drops, for just a split second before turning into pure rage. You understand that Dick should be mad at you both, absolutely. You did something stupid and dangerous. But, throwing Robin at Jason's face doesn't sit right with you. You don't know the story but it's pretty obvious being Robin is something that means a lot to Jason. You don't throw something like that in someone's face, not like that.

Jason walks up to Dick, standing toe-to-toe with him. "You don't fucking decide if I'm Robin or not. I'm the new Robin." Jason says pointing to himself, not looking all that intimidating having to physically look up to Dick. "You're just a washed-up version of a hero."

"Stand down." Dick keeps his voice level with Jason, not giving in to him.

"Jason tried to stop me." You speak up from your spot on the counter, not wanting to see where this fight is about to go. Jason will not stand down and you don't think Dick will either. If you didn't know any better, you would think they were actually brothers.

Jason turns quickly to look back at you. He's surprised. He did not try to stop you. He basically encouraged you to go. He drove you there and didn't step in until it started to look bad enough. Jason knows the odds of Dick kicking him from the Titans are low because of Bruce but you? You’re still new and if you cause more trouble than you’re worth, Jason thinks he might. Deep down, he knows Dick wouldn't but somewhere in his head, he's afraid Dick would and you take the blame anyway.

"He was getting a snack from the kitchen when I was trying to sneak out." You lie. "He-he, uh, he figured out what I was gonna do. He tried to stop me, convince me to go back to bed or he'd come get you. I promised him I wouldn't do anything."

You said you'd never rat Jason or Gar out which makes Dick find it hard to believe that happened. He does also know Jason and Jason isn't one to step away from a fight. Jason talking you out of it seems incredibly unlikely but Dick can't prove it at this point in time.

"Why'd he drive you then?" Dick challenges trying to find a hole in your story.

"I told him I'd be gone before he could get you. I was going regardless. So, instead of me getting into a strange car at two in the morning, he said he'd drive me as long as I didn't do anything. He only wore the Robin suit as a safety measure." You lie through your teeth.

You haven't always been a good liar but it was something you needed to be better at. You have tells like everyone else, the way you kick your foot out every few seconds, the lack of hand movements. But, Dick doesn't know you well enough to know your tells so you lie with the first thing that comes to your mind and by the look at Dick's face as he looks back to Jason, you’re thinking he believes you.

Dick sighs. "Just," Dick starts, his attention on Jason as Jason looks back to him. "Come get me, okay? I have to be able to trust you."

"Right." Jason scoffs.

"Go to bed, I'm gonna talk to Y/n."

Jason looks over his shoulder and you give him a soft smile with a nod. Jason sighs, not wanting to leave you alone with Dick but it's probably for the best before he punches the guy. "Good luck." Jason scoffs, pushing past Dick and leaving the bathroom.

Dick walks further inside, leaning his hip against the counter while you’re looking at your hands in your lap. Your head is hung as if you’re waiting for the 'I can't trust you, you have to leave' speech you know is coming. You wonder why you do that. Taking the risk of homelessness when you know it's a possibility. It's not like you do it on purpose but you get mad and frustrated, nothing else really matters at that point. The only thing that does is not being mad anymore. It clouds everything else in your brain. A booming kickdrum drowning out every better decision you’ve ever had.

"Is that actually what happened?" Dick asks, his arms crossed.

"Yep." You answer, not looking to him.

"What were you thinking?" His voice is disappointed this time, completely different than the anger he had towards Jason and it doesn't sit right with you but that's not the argument you want to have right now.

"Guess I wasn't." You mutter. "Kicking me out?" You peek an eye at him, your words hesitant.

Dick shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. "No." He shakes his head. "Wanna tell me what the hell happened though?"

You shrug. "He was on the news." You say, your voice small and quiet. "They were congratulating him for being an upstanding citizen, an everyday hero, because he saved a fucking kid from getting hit by a train."

Dick nods once, understanding how you ended up at his house. "So, you decided to go after him?"

"I mean...yeah." You looks up to him. "It's just not fair, ya know? I'm..." You pause, trying to find the right words as the fire dies out from your blood. "I'm scarred, physically and mentally from him. He did all that shit to me. I'm a freak now because of him. He ripped me from my home. I talk shit about Gotham but it's my fucking home and he ripped me from it." You shake your head as you look back to your hands, picking at the bandages Jason applied. "He gets to be called a hero and I get stuck with more trauma."

Dick's anger for the night fades as he listens to you, for the first time, really listening to you. You’re not snarky or fighting with him. This seems like the most honest you’ve been with him since he found you. He sees a part of himself in you. Angry and bitter and resentful of the life you're dealt. You were both just kids when your lives got ripped out from under you. No kid deserves that. It makes him sad, that's the one thing everyone in this tower has in common. Childhoods ruined by adults who are too selfish and cruel to think about their well-being. Or even care about their well-being.

"He thought I was dead." You scoff, feeling the burning of the back of your eyes start. "He actually said that tonight. He dumped me for dead. Just...like that. Like I was trash. I'm not..." You pause, your chin wrinkling slightly. "I'm not even upset that he didn't give a fuck, ya know? Because fuck him but...I am upset that a human can do that to another human. He tried to kill me." Your voice breaks.

Up until tonight, a part of you thought it really was an accident. Jerry just thought he went too far, he didn't mean to do it. But, tonight, the look on his face, he wanted you dead. You were too much maybe. Too big of a hassle because you put up a fight even with words. You'll never know his why and maybe that's for the best but the thing is that he did try to kill you. That's something that you have to sort through and live with. Beating someone to death is a personal thing, there's a burning hatred there and while you can't rationalize it, it's like you’re trying to anyway.

You’re putting blame on yourself even when it doesn't make sense because you’re the victim. From the time you were put into Jerry's care until the day he dumped you in that alley, you were the victim. But, you can't stop your mind from blaming yourself. What about you is so un-fucking-bearable that someone would hate you so much they'd try to kill you? He's evil, he doesn't need a reason and it's not your fault, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. And you thought you'd be okay joking with Jason, maybe that would quiet everything for the night but now you’re talking to Dick and you can't joke with him like that. And now it's haunting the marrow in your bones, aching and dragging.

"I'm not mad, okay?" Dick assures you. "Disappointed but I understand. That's a horrible thing you went through. I get that, I do." Dick starts. "But, you can't go off on your own like that. I know you had Jason but anything could have happened. You were in his house. You almost killed him." Dick keeps his voice steady and lacking of anger. "It sucks. I went to get revenge for my parents being killed and I regret it every day." Dick opens up a little making you look at him with a raised brow.

"Why?"

"I didn't kill him but because I went after him, he was killed by someone else." Dick explains. "He killed my parents but it wasn't my job to kill him or get him killed as mad as I was or as unfair as it is. That's just not our job."

"I didn't wanna kill him." You suck in a breath, holding it for a few seconds before letting it out. "Just beat him up, rub it in a bit that I was alive and kicking. Show him he didn't win."

"I think you accomplished that." Dick raises his brows quickly.

"Yeah," You sigh. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for losing it and dragging Jason into it."

Dick shakes his head. "Just don't let it happen again." Dick pauses. "You don't have to take the fall for him."

You roll your eyes. "I'm not."

Dick nods, not fully buying it. "Okay, well, extra chores for a month then."

"That it?" You ask.

"Yeah, don't do this again." Dick pushes himself off the counter.

"Aye-aye, captain." You solute him haphazardly.

Dick sighs with the response. "Just get to bed." Dick says before leaving the bathroom.

You let out a breath, taking a second to be. There's a lot to unpack tonight. You look at your hands and a part of you wants to grieve for the person you’ve become. Three years ago, you'd never hit anyone. You'd have someone threaten to hit you and you knew you'd never do anything about it. Fighting never seemed like the best solution. It always seemed so pointless but now you’re here with bloody knuckles, fueled by anger. You get it now but you don't know if you like the feeling.

But, you’re so sad and angry, like weights tied around your ankles. You’re gnawing and clawing at them but they never budge. They just get stronger the more you struggle. Every day you live and Jerry gets to exist in happy contentment, it's another pound added. Every day you live and the Joker gets to keep on jokering, it adds weight to your shoulders. The anger and sadness cloud your every move. Grief is agonizing and numbing and all-consuming. And when you think you have something to make it better, it's temporary. Training, movies with Gar, video games, music, teasing Jason, beating up Jerry. It's all temporary relief. The second you’re alone with your thoughts, it creeps back in, a tsunami receding the tides again.

And you wonder if you'll ever hit the acceptance stage of grief or if you'll just be trapped here alone for the rest of your life. So, you clean up the bathroom and look for a distraction because the guilt and grief feel too much.

Your fist knocks on the dark door softly and you wait a few seconds. This is a bad idea and you know it. But you don't want to be alone and you don't want to think about anything. Thinking is becoming a chore and you feel haunted. Tied down and struggling. Beating up Jerry did nothing but make you feel worse which then, somehow, makes you feel even worse. It should have helped, it should have because he got what he deserved but it just makes you feel like the bad guy in all of it. You saved someone tonight but all you see is Jerry covered in his own blood, thinking that's what you must have looked like. And a part of you thinks maybe you aren't any better than he is because you did to him what he did to you. It is different and you know that but it’s late and you can’t be alone with those thoughts.

"Hey." Jason greats you, surprised to you.

He thought for sure you would listen to Dick and stay away from him. He's not entirely sure if he was serious about it but it wouldn't shock him. Jason is bad news, dragging everyone he cares about down with him.

"Can I come in?" You ask as if you’re on a mission.

"Sure." Jason opens the door further for you and you walk in. Jason closes the door behind you, leaning against it, waiting for you to say something.

Something's off. No smirk, grin, or smile. No teasing comment. No remark about the half-empty bottles of Gatorade and Red Bull scattered about his room. You were, relatively fine and normal when he left besides being pissed at Dick. For a second, fear strikes him and he wonders if Dick gave up on you already. Jason knows that can't be it, Dick sucks sometimes but he's not that fucking horrible. But, that's also the only thing coming to mind.

You turn to face him, your expression almost flat and Jason watches you as you walk up to him. You stand just a few inches from him without saying anything. Normally, Jason would find this as a challenge, play the game again and see what happens in the safety of his room. But, not now. Not with the flat expression and distant look in your eyes. Not like this.

And you think about it. Think about kissing him and using him as a distraction, that was the plan coming here instead of waking up Gar. Gar would have too many questions and he'd have this way of getting you to spill your guts to him. You’re too tired for that. It's too much thinking, too much emotion. But you’ve got your eyes locked on Jason's and you want to kiss him because it'll be such a good distraction and it'll make you feel something incredible. It'll make you feel wanted and important, you won't feel so damaged anymore even if it's just a few minutes.

But that's not fair to him either.

You shake your head. "Sorry." You take a step back, swallowing thickly.

"It's okay." Jason says, still watching you carefully, concern starting to creep onto his face. "What's up?"

"I don't wanna think about it anymore." You answer candidly.

Jason nods and he has an idea. If it were anyone else, he’d go for it because kissing someone and letting it go wherever it decides to go, is a fun little distraction. But, this is you. And he swears if something is meant to happen, it won’t be because either of you want to be distracted. So, he walks over to a dresser near the window and looks inside. You watch him, questioning what he could possibly be doing. You aren't sure what you expected him to do but say something would be high up on that list. Instead, he's just looking into a drawer so you make the walk toward him.

"What're you doing?" You ask from behind him.

"Pick one." He says, gesturing a hand inside the drawer. You walk up beside him and see several books. You raise a brow at him. "Just do it." Jason sighs.

You shrug and go along with it. You look over the spines, studying them and it's kind of interesting, seeing what books he likes. There's dystopian young adult, horror, adventure, a few classics. It's like a little window into his world and there’s something sweet and soft about it. But, you spot one that you’ve actually seen the movie for so you pick that one.

Jason laughs as you pick the book with the pale yellow spine. "You've seen the movie?"

"Yeah, of course." You answer with a laugh. "Of course, I've seen it. Is the book good?"

"You tell me." Jason takes the book from you and walks past you, going towards his bed.

You spin on your heels, the confusion and curiosity engraving itself across your face. "What?"

"When shit gets too fucking loud, I read." Jason explains, sitting on his bed while you walk over to the end of the bed slowly. Things get loud for him and escaping into a book helps. It quiets the noise. "Or I train but you don't seem like you want to do that right now."

"That would be a correct assumption." You state. "But, I just said I don't read." Your eyes are narrowed still waiting for Jason to explain what's going on.

Jason stretches his legs out before opening the book and flipping to chapter one. He clears his throat. "When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton." Jason reads the first line and your face softens and your heart stops in your chest, realizing what he's doing.

Not to be dramatic, but a part of you almost cries while he reads. This is probably one of the nicest and most thoughtful things someone has ever done. Reading is draining to you but his way to deal with shit. This is his world that he's inviting you into in order to distract you. Jason Todd is not nearly as calloused as he comes across and it's so warming and jarring that you are, yet again, at a loss for words. And you adore him so fucking much, you swear he makes all of your broken parts seem not so broken.

"You gonna just stand there or you gonna sit?" Jason asks as he finishes the first paragraph. He feels exposed again but for you, it's worth it. It'll always be worth it for you.

"Okay." You smile at him, crawling onto his bed and sitting beside him.

He gives you this look of contentment, of ease. His eyes are soft, not sad or pained like they normally are. He looks comfortable, here with you and a book in his hand. You want to cry so bad because something about him seems so perfect. He's perfect but in the way that something by Monet is or the way a glass vase is. He's perfect with every cracked, messy, and damaged parts of him because they make him...him.

You think maybe perfect isn't the right word for him because he has flaws, you both have flaws. To be perfect is to be flawless and Jason Todd is anything but flawless but to you, with gentle and adoring eyes, he seems perfect. Maybe to be perfect, as a person, is not to be flawless but to be flawed and still be unapologetically yourself. Maybe that's what is it. To be perfect, as a person, maybe it's because of the things you do and who you are rather than what's happened to you. Maybe being a perfect human is just being able to show softness even when all you have ever known is a life of tragedy and heartache. And to you, Jason Todd is perfectly flawed just like you.

You scoot closer to him and rest your head on his shoulder. The action surprises Jason a little but he falls comfortable with you against him. Jason thinks you’re everything he could have ever asked for. He doesn't care about the violence or the rage that courses through your bones. He doesn't care that you have some issue with Batman over the Joker. It doesn't matter to him because you see him for who he is. He is not Jason Todd, the arrogant asshole. To you, he's just Jason Todd. Jay. And Jason thinks that's what makes you perfect. That you understand him and you care for him even when he's drowning in a war against himself. Jason Todd thinks you’re perfect and he doesn't think anyone is perfect.

Jason looks to you and smirks because he can't help himself. "Unless you wanted to do something else." His brows wiggle as he teases you.

"Shut the fuck and read the fucking book, Jay." You roll your eyes, sinking into him and looking over to read along with him.

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[theoddcatlady]

She's a Keeper

That’s what my dad always used to say, with a chuckle and a pat to my head. ‘She’s a keeper,’ he’d say to a grocer or clerk at a convenience store. People used to fawn over the cute pigtailed gal by her daddy’s side, always said her pleases and thank yous, never threw a tantrum, was an absolute angel.  

Maybe this is why when I grew up I always need someone giving me a pat on the back. If I’m not getting a compliment about how I look or how well I did at work, I’m gonna assume I did something wrong or I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth all day.  

This hasn’t always worked out for me. I’m a keeper, but I can also be a sucker. Like what’s been happening with my boss.  

I love working as a secretary, it’s a job that makes me feel really fulfilled. This makes me a bit of a stereotype though with how I practically melted when Jonathan Price, my boss, complimented my blouse and my work ethic on my first day. I just reminded myself by looking at the silver ring on his left hand and the picture on his desk with his children that I shouldn’t read too much into it.  

Jonathan was perfect though, and over time I realized I read him just right.  

I never wanted to be the other woman. I just wanted to be loved. And being around Jonathan, working late nights just to have a moment to talk with him, having drinks after work… the inevitable happened. He kissed me after a few too many beers, and we ended up going back to my place. We slept together.  

I poured my heart out to him after that, how I’d liked him for so long, and that I really felt a connection with him. He just smiled and brushed the hair from my eyes, telling me that I was the kind of girl you didn’t just let get away.  

Of course I believed him.  

Of course I swallowed the lump in my throat whenever I saw Mariana coming to visit her husband. My lover.  

Of course I ignored how I was the choice topic of office gossip, how the guys smirked and the other women gave me the side eye and the cold shoulder.

Of course I listened when Jonathan said he was going to leave her soon. He just needed to make sure he didn’t hurt her.  

And of course, whenever he called me to meet him at our typical meeting spot, a hotel in downtown, I was there with bells on.  

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking of me. I think it too. I’m not the brightest bulb in the package, but like I told you, I’m pretty easily manipulated. But I love Jonathan, I love his work ethic, I love how he takes care of his kids, kids that he learned soon enough I couldn’t have. I wonder if that was part of my appeal to him. That he couldn’t accidentally knock me up.  

He doesn’t… didn’t love me. I was just an easy lay, a stereotype in every sense of the word.  

I only started wising up last week, when it occurred to me that Jonathan really wasn’t slowing down his relationship with his wife and certainly wasn’t preparing for divorce proceedings. She was pregnant with their third child, I saw the pictures he posted on Facebook of their anniversary dinner.  

It hit me like a semi truck when I read his status about enjoying their fifteen years together and couldn’t wait to see what the next fifteen will bring.  

I cried. I drunk a lot of wine. And then I asked him to come to my apartment. That we needed to talk.  

Scary words for a guy, right? Took Jonathan a while to drag his ass over, which by then I was even more drunk. I don’t drink often, and certainly not in excess, but can you blame me? I’d just had that reality shattering realization I was just his pet to call on whenever he wanted to fuck and spew nonsense words at. Nonsense words I fell for.

Well, I did what I should’ve done about six months ago. I called him out on his bullshit. Said that he was never going to leave his wife but he wasn’t going to stop keeping me as his side piece. He tried, oh he tried to calm me down, but I wasn’t going to back down to his pretty words this time.  

“Either pick me or stay with your wife. Else I’ll call her and let her know the truth.”  

My ultimatum I’d spent the previous hour preparing. I felt super proud of it when I spat it out, expecting him to pick at least one of the options so this nonsense could end.  

Jonathan’s face went white, then red, and then… he picked a third option.

He killed me.

Jonathan picked up the empty wine bottle while he muttered something about me being too much trouble, and then he brought it down right on the top of my head. Caved my skull in on the first smash, sending shards of glass all over my living room. I dropped like a rock. But I guess Jonathan was just too pissed off, cuz he used the remains of the bottle in his hand to keep stabbing me, again and again in the throat and neck. I was about decapitated by the time he came to his senses.

Of course Jonathan freaked out. Panicked. Just washed the blood off his hands and wiped down the bottle before escaping the apartment. Left me there. All alone. Head nearly off my shoulders, my living room a mess of blood, wine, and glass.

Man, you should’ve seen the look on his face when I came into work today. I was at my desk by the time he came in. He looked like hell, understandably, he just killed a woman two days before. But he froze in his steps when he saw me sitting at my desk, tip tapping away on my keyboard while scheduling another appointment later that week.  

I just waved to him real quick before going back to work. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jonathan bolt for his office and slam the door.  

Oh, that felt so good. Watching him be the one to run in fear. Was he doubting his memory? Was he trying to convince himself that he’d just had a really bad dream?  

I clocked out after that, complaining about a cold, it’d been passed all around the office. But I didn’t go to my home.

I went to Jonathan’s home. A nice house, in a nice part of town. I saw his wife working in the small garden out front and, after adjusting my scarf, I got out and walked up the drive.

She didn’t see me until I was right behind her. Marianna was a pretty woman, even right now with a smudge of dirt across her face, no make up, and her auburn hair held back with a yellow bandanna. I cleared my throat and she nearly dropped the flower bulb she had in her hands. She glanced up, immediately recognizing me. “Oh, hi, Nicole. Is something wrong?” She got up, brushing off her hands and smiling from ear to ear. Her pregnancy was just starting to show, her belly just so slightly growing.  

“Can we talk inside?”  

“Oh sure, sweetheart. The kids are at school, won’t be back for a few more hours. Are you all right, your voice sounds a bit raspy.”  

“I’ll be fine.”

I waited until she was sitting down before I began the most difficult conversation of my life. And I got the most difficult part of it out of the way first.  

“Your husband and I have been having an affair for almost a year.”

It was so sad to see how Marianna just… sighed. How she just nodded. “I figured, with all the late nights at work and business trips that didn’t take him out of town. I was just about to hire a private investigator to start checking in on him, so you saved me a chunk of change. Are you still sleeping with him?”  

I shook my head. “No, I figured that ended when he about took my head off with a wine bottle,” I said.

Her brow knitted in concern, so I decided to show her. I undid the scarf around my neck and showed her what I’d been hiding all morning at work.

My neck is a sight right now, all purple and black and covered in decaying, cut up flesh. I can’t even imagine how the smell must be to someone not used to it. The putrefaction had spread down to my chest, which I showed her by unbuttoning my blouse. I’d had to start tearing my skin off to get any sort of relief, you can’t imagine how horrid the itching gets when your flesh starts rotting off the bone with your skin holding it all in. I even removed my gloves to show off the pus filled sores and bubbles forming in my wrists and fingers.  

Marianna went white as a sheet as she took it all in. It look so wrong, my face perfect as it always has been but from the neck down I look like rotting roadkill. When the wave of stench finally hit her she bolted for the bathroom. I could hear her violently throwing up from where I sat.

I’d just about buttoned my shirt back up when she came back, teetering a bit and still looking pale but managing to remain steady. “Wait. Show me again.”  

I shrugged and unbuttoned my shirt again. If she wanted a reason to barf again, she was welcome to it. But she didn’t. She sat beside me, her expression of disgust melting away into one of wonder. “… Before Jonathan insisted I take care of the kids full time, I used to be a surgeon. You… you shouldn’t be alive. You can’t be alive. Are you a ghost?”  

“No.” I shook my head. “This just happens sometimes. I’m surprised it happened after your husband killed me, I thought I was a goner. But then I woke up with my body falling apart, maybe I was due for a shedding, maybe this just happens when I get hurt real bad, I dunno.”

“Jonathan…” She shuddered and shook her head, “He’s a bastard, but he wouldn’t-”

“He beat me with a wine bottle, Marianna.” I pulled the bloody shards out of my purse. “And then when it broke, he stabbed me in the neck. All because I told him the affair was over.

Now she was crying. Tears rolled down her cheeks as her bottom lip wobbled with her sobs. “No… no… oh my god, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I never thought… I never-”

“I need your help.”  

I rebuttoned up my blouse, but I left the scarf on my lap. “It’ll take me a few weeks to really come back together, but my daddy told me of a way to help me heal faster. His sister was like me. Fell apart, rotted like a corpse, and then looked just as pretty as ever in a few days. It took longer though, much longer… before she started working as a mortician.”  

It didn’t take any effort at all to convince her to help me. The kids are having a sleepover at grandma’s tonight, they really are cuties. There’s a wine glass laced with sleeping medication ready for Jonathan when he gets home, and I’m waiting in the basement, passing the time by ripping off more rotten skin, wondering what human flesh will taste like. Marianna’s already said I can stay here while I recover. She wants to study me. I’m something she’s never seen before and she’s fascinated.

She says I’m a real keeper.

[forevermoreamoron]

Alright time to scream and shout about Malevolent once again. Warning: This post contains spoilers for Malevolent. Especially Episodes 13, 25, 41 and 43.

If you don't want spoilers, light as they may seem for some parts, please avoid this post.

Ok?

Okay so,

Malevolent is one of those podcasts that despite it being my 5th time relistening, certain events still shock me like it's my first time listening.

Biggest example? John returns to Arthur right before they get thrown into Larson's freak pit. I still get so excited and choked up hearing the relief in Arthur's voice when he repeatedly calls John's name. I know it's coming and I still react like I couldn't possibly have foreseen this.

Another one I really like is when John and Arthur are checking Larson's prison cells to see if there are any prisoners.

I already know Matthew is going to appear with his quite little: "Who are you talking too?" But it scares me every time.

Oh and perhaps one of my favorite episodes to relisten to currently is absolutely episode 41 and Episodes 43.

My god, I get so wrapped up in the excellent character building conversations and wonderful voice acting that I forget I've already heard these before.

The beginning of episode 41 hits like a truck every time.

God, the way John goes from trying to scare Arthur, to trying to explain himself to finally admitting he's torn in two and doesn't know what to do is so devastating. You can feel the genuine hurt of being betrayed in Arthur's voice as well as the guilt in John's voice.

Oh man , the way throughout the episode John is kinda walking on eggshells because of his guilt for hurting his friend?

The way he wants Arthur to still feel in control of his body because he knows that's Arthurs fear and he used it against him?

The fucking genuine fear of a god damned owl, the way Arthur still tries to ease John's paranoia and even still calls him his friend?

But episode 43 is the real kick in the chest. Everything about that episode is......well, a lot.

I mean where do I even start?

The witch KILLING Arthur and stuffing maggots in him?

John's horrible gut wrenching cry at having to watch Arthur die and being able to do nothing?

The way he's filled with so much anguish he manifests out of his body?

The conversation between John and the Witch, the way he admits Arthur is what gave him hope?

Fuck dude, I could listen to this episode a thousand times and still be completely floored. The music, the voice acting .....god all of it is so fucking good.

I think what makes Malevolent so enjoyable to me is that I can go back and relisten to older episodes to rekindle my love for the show.

I always manage to notice something new or I find that an older episode may have answers for what happens in newer episodes.

I don't often find myself listening to podcasts more than once. It's just not something I normally enjoy, Malevolent changed that for me.

It's just a really good podcast and I'm so excited to see where the story goes from here.

Tldr: I wanna chew on John Malevolent Doe and squeeze Arthur until he pops like a water balloon.

[babeczka415]

A/N: I'm so sorry this Chapter took this lolong. Life has been a Rollercoaster this last two years but I finally refound my love for this story and will be posting more often.

Heart Like a Truck: Chapter 5

The heat of their passion continued to build as she leaned back into him. Her hand began to wander along his strong chest, feeling every inch of his body. Despite her mind's resistance, her body knew exactly what she needed from him. As their kiss turned from one of anger to one of desire, she allowed herself to let go and give in to the intense emotions she was feeling. She wanted him, she needed him. Their bodies were intertwined, a perfect fit. Their kisses only grew more intense as the fiery sparks between them grew hotter.

As they kissed furiously, Jake could sense that she needed more than just physical contact; she needed to be seen. In the midst of her raging emotions, Jake leaned back and searched Cecilia's eyes for some hint of forgiveness. That's when he saw it: a slight flicker of emotion, a hint of compassion. In that moment, he realized that she wasn't mad at him, she was mad at the world. And as he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, he vowed to be the one who would always find her in the storm.

Jake started to stand up but not before his lips connected to hers again. He knows this kiss and him are the only things helping her rage through the swirling storm inside her. As they kissed passionately, Jake's hands roamed over Cecilia's body. He wanted nothing more than to bring her closer to him, his desire for her was overwhelming. Pulling her body into his, he savored the feeling of her soft body against his. Their kisses grew deeper and more insistent, as if both of them were reluctant to let go. In a sudden burst of passion, Jake picked her up and placed her on the dresser, her legs wrapped around him.

Cecilia could feel her anger turning into desire. Jake always had that way with her to calm the storm raging inside her. Two years ago when a text started this all she had no idea that this wanted hacker was going to be her home, her safe haven, her lighthouse in a storm. Her legs wrapped tighter and her left hand wrapped around Jake's neck as her right went straight for his chest. She could feel his hands gripping her ass tight as she was barely on the dresser.

Jake couldn't take this any longer. He knew she needed him and rough, it was always the way to calm her storm. His hands grip her ass hard, picking her up and tossing her on the bed. The moment Cecilia looks up at him something in him hits like a brick. She is looking for an escape, the alcohol didn't help and he can tell. Cecilia was using this between them at this moment as a distraction from her feelings. 

“You need sleep, Cecilia” Jake's voice is stern with her.

“Jake, please I need this…. With you.” Cecilia sits up and moves closer to Jake standing at the edge of her bed. She has no idea where this is coming from as he has never stopped her before.

**Jake gently cups her chin as she looks up at him. Her hazel eyes are full of so much raw emotions that he knows it isn't the right time. “You take the dark and carve me out a home. I picture you when I know your alone. I know how we got here and I know you better then to do this. I just want to know you better.”

Cecilia sighs, she knows Jake deserves this. She feels it in her body, she needs to open more to him but she's afraid. Afraid Jake might leave her as she is a mess, her past is a mess and he doesn't even know a quarter of it. She moves away from his hand and his gaze. She undresses put of her jeans and plaid button down and climbs into bed. It's the only way she can sleep next to him. She also has nothing to say as her emotions are all over the place.

***********

Cold sweats…. Its always how she wakes up from that nightmare. She hasn't told Jake about it as its still a real fear. Its the fear of him leaving this ranch and never coming back, getting caught or worst. Her eyes close slightly and that video still plays in her mind.

She had just been reached out from Eric to find his friend Adam. It was a story she knew all to well, its how Jake and her met with Hannah missing. After the exhausting night dealing with Eric and his friends she finds herself, crawling into bed just as her phone goes off. She answered the video chat without looking at the name and saw it was Alan Bloomgate, his body cam to be exact. She couldn't hear him but she eventually saw that bookbag. It was black full of everything. Her heart broke as she knew Jake wouldn't go anywhere without it. Then her heart and mind froze seeing the worn hoodie. The holes from wear and from getting out of the mine was covered in dirt and probably smelled of smoke.  Then as Alan moved the hoodie, his mask….. the mask she saw the first video call. The mask that kept him safe and unknown. She was certain he was caught or worst in those woods. 

She slips out of bed, not wanting to wake Jake.  It's the only time he sleeps is here. She cracks open the bedroom door after grabbing one of her fathers flannels she uses as a robe and heads to the front porch. However, before making her way through the hallway and stairs covered with family photos and memories. She has a space that is left empty. Her hand goes to this space, as she knows what she wants there. She wants photos with Jake, she wants to change her last name from Dunn to Andrews and raise a family with him on this ranch and go into the city for his soul and needs.

Last night's words replay through her mind, he wants to know more of her, of her past. She hasn't told him she was engaged or that at one point she did live in a city. She is unsure if she wants to reopen those wounds.

******

The cold morning wind and the hint of dew hitting her bare legs are what wakes her up. She had fallen asleep yet again on the old swinging porch seat wearing just the flannel. Cecilia knew Casey would be stopping over soon, it was routine for them to make sure everything to done on the ranch. However, there was more things to talk about, last night when the FBI showed up. They showed up for Ryan Davis, a man they had both trusted and so did her father. God how she wish he was hear now to help her through this mess.  She closes her eyes to figure this out, she hears the front porch open up.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Jake asked, it wasn’t normal for him to see her out here not dressed and with coffee already. He hands her a cup, just the way she likes with coffee, sugar, milk, and a tad bit of honey. He could never drink it like that but it was her go too and he knew she needed it. Last night still played in his mind, he was almost caught had it not been for her quick thinking to dress hi lik Casey.

“No, it's another thing we need to talk about. I want to open up but I’m scared Jake. I’m scared you will run and not look back. I’m not some princess on this ranch. I have my own demons that scare me and you saw a little last night.” She sighs, not looking up at him but taking the cup in her hands.

“Love, I’m never going to run away from you. If anything I want to not have to be on the run anymore,” Jake lifts her chin to look at him. “I want a life with you.

Cecilla is taken back, she had no idea even after these two years that he wanted to not be on the run anymore. Everytime things felt good between them, he ran always saying to protect her from the ones tracking him but she struggled to believe it at times. “I want a life with you too, Jake. But there are things you need to know about me first. Things you can and can’t find in a search for me and it scares me to open those wounds.”

“Then we will open them slowly so I can help you heal them. I have no intention of running this time. I have no more plans on hiding things from you either. I’m sticking around this time to see where we keep going wrong.” Jake’s voice is soft but strong at the same time. Its enough to send chills down her back. 

She feels Jake sit down next to her and they just watch the sun start to rise. This is something Cecilla always dreamed about was having someone she loved watching the sun rise over this field, outside of Casey. As they sipped their coffees and just help hands they heard a truck pull up. It was a sound she knew all too well as it’s Casey’s. He walked up the stairs with his own coffee in his hand and leans against the railing in front of the two of them.

“I got my hands on Jack Daniels,” Cecilla’s voice is soft, “but Jake took it and dumped it out.” She knew she needed to be honest. Casey was there for her through all her darkest time, some always wondered why they weren’t together but to them they were siblings. She had known him since she was just barely able to look over this railing of this porch and he was barely thirteen helpng her father on this ranch. 

“I’m glad he was here then, I couldn’t imagine what would of happen if he wasn’t,” Casey’s voice is stern with her as he knows her past with drinking, specially when she is in a dark headspace. It’s different when social drinking and in a good mood but not like she was last night.

For the first time all morning, Cecila leaned into Jake. She knows without him there last night things could of gone bad. She knows how to pick that lock, she did it a million times as a teenager and even after the accident that Casey didn’t know about. She caught Jake’s blue eyes looking down and saw the worry and concern. She knows them both opening their demon and past isn’t going to be an easy conversation or even just a one night type of thing but she feels different like he really won’t run.

Jake grazes his fingers throug her hair and took a whiff, she still smelled of the ranch from the day before and knew she hadn’t showered. Last night kept playing in his mind though. It was obvious she had her own demons, he know that to meeting her for the first time in Duskwood but now he was ready to help her face them.

**A/N credit: That line from Jake with the ** before was taken from the song “Give by Seep Token” I felt like it was just what he needed to say to Cecila in that moment.

[ca77um-ilo77]

alright you have me convinced!! what should i know before i watch indycar next season??

yooo i'm so glad i convinced you!! this is a pretty long post, and is kind of all-over the place. i tried to break it up by general topic, but i'm adding randomly as i think, so just a warning. i'll add some info links i like at the bottom. (if you or anyone wants to talk indy or f1, asks or dms are so very welcome, i love making friends <3)

one thing about indy is unlike in basically every else, many cars look very different even when on the same team as well as special liveries that are nothing like their normal ones, so i'd recommend getting the indycar app (it's free and user friendly once you figure out the weird layout) as it has a spotter's guide. it also has onboard cameras and radios for free (!!!!).

indycar is (usually) a pretty friendly sport, but as is the case with american sports, we like chaos, so the drivers can pretty much say anything except swear words lol. there's a few different clips of drivers threatening each other, which is great. id say most drivers are friends or at least acquaintances, expect santino ferrucci (huge bigot, pay driver, got kicked out of f2 for extremely dirty driving, and i personally hate his hair) and often romain grosjean as he hits people a lot. as for 2024 rookies, kyffin simpson's dad bought him his seat, and kyle larson saying the n-word in 2020 means he has some really, really racist fans.

the safety rules are strict and the cars are very durable which is good for high-speed crashes. the safety people (shoutout amr indycar safety team i love y'all, amr the company i hate you more than i hate the fia) travel with the races and have extensive training. they are also stationed in places that allow quick access to any location on a track. this is most apparent at ovals as they are much faster and more dangerous. at the other races, they are stationed where there is higher likelihood for a more dangerous crash that needs faster reactions. they take trucks to the site that are full of basically anything that might be needed. this is especially important as indycar refuels and are at high risk of combustion compared to f1. the calling yellow flags is also a lot more liberal which is nice. during longer yellows, and reds at ovals they'll run a sweeper truck to clean the racing line so people don't slide into walls.

for flag code info, as i don't have the patience to write it out, it is is section 7.2 of the rule book (page 27). i've linked it at the bottom of the post.

with the cars, they're all required to have the same chassis and aren't allowed to change a huge amount, so the racing is mostly down to skill, though andretti, ganassi, penske, and mclaren are better as they have more money. there are two engine suppliers, honda and chevrolet, iirc (don't quote me here) chevy is a bit more powerful, but honda is a bit more handleable. fast pit stops are usually about 7 seconds due to smaller pit crews (7 people maximum) and refueling. each car also has it's own pit box as teams have variable car numbers based on what they can afford. firestone provides tires, and there are two compounds, primary and alternate, as well as a wet tire. primaries are the harder compound and have a black sidewall. alternates are softer and have a red sidewall, except at street circuits where it's green to signify all natural rubber. use of both compounds are required. on broadcast you'll hear them mention "sticker reds" which are just the brand new ones.

more tire info in section 15 of the rulebook (page 84). there's some complex rules if you like tires.

the biggest difference between indy cars and f1 is f1 has power steering, indy doesn't. if you watch onboards, the drivers are wrestling the car the whole time, and most of the racing comes down to skill. the actual racing is often chaotic (indycar app helps with this. i keep it open always) and since there are many pit stops in a race (the cars use a lot of fuel) the leaderboard will change a lot.

the points system is very different, i'll try to cover it as succinctly as i can but i'm going to put a link for the wiki on it at the bottom anyway. (this is going to be formatted real weird, but i want to be brief). p1 50; p2 40; p3 35; p4 32; 4th-10th decreases by 2; p10 20; 10th-25th decreases by 1; everything p25 down is 5 points. drivers get points for finishing the race, basically. (unless there's more than 33 finishers, then 34 down get nothing, but that doesn't really happen). there's some bonus points also, 1 for leading a lap, 2 for most laps led, and 1 for pole position. the final bonus is for indy 500 qualifying. top 12 get points from p1 getting 12, descending by 1, to p12 getting 1.

as for the circuits there's three types: ovals (6 races, 4 tracks), roads (6 races, +1 non-championship race), and street (5 races). ovals are very high speed with little to no breaking. road courses are just your average circuit made for racing, the roads tend to be a bit rougher than f1's but that's kinda just how american tracks are. street circuits are, well, on the street. american roads suck major dick. the smoothest indycar street circuit is comparable to the worst of f1's. very bumpy, usually some good crashes (watch 2023 st. petersburg start. shit was insane).

as a fan, i cannot recommend irl indy more. some races are busier than others, obviously, but it's cheap considering it's a big racing category. 3 day entry for the less major races is usually $60-ish, and paddock passes are an additional $120-ish. not 100% on the price for pit access, but that is a bundle with three day tickets usually. the races aren't super crowded and there isn't assigned seats which is nice. the paddock is super open (check my "fenrir indycar" tag, quick access on my pinned) and you are able to walk up to and touch the cars if you really want (i wouldn't) as well as have conversation with engineers if they're not busy. if you have pit access the drivers are usually just wandering around and are often happy to stop and talk/sign something when not busy. there's also a high risk of nearly getting run over by drivers on their scooters. will power is notorious for this.

for my non-americans, (love y'all) we are very happy to have a conversation with strangers. the indy fans are often thrilled to talk about their favorite drivers and thoughts with anyone. when i went id say the only bad experiences i had was getting overwhelmed (my fault, i went to a place that i knew would cause a meltdown) and my dad getting hit twice by a man in a golf cart twice (same guy, not my dad's fault, the cunt didn't try to move, warn him, or apologize, just hit him, let my dad stumble, hit him again. i'm still mad). the seats are usually right on the track, so it's extremely loud and smelly. 10/10 can not recommend irl indy enough. i am biased to the pnw and it's the only race i've been to, but the portland race is great. it's not got masses of people, you can walk right up to the track to watch with the only thing between you and the cars being a concrete wall and a fence, and as it's a smaller race with less fans compared to the east coast and mid-west races, it's cheaper. biggest con is its built on a swamp, so super humid. (another pro, i'll be there <3 [joke.])

any questions you've got or clarification needed, my notifications are on and i'll respond to relevant stuff as soon as i see it.

LINKS:

rule book (clicking on a section of the table of contents will take you there)

points format wiki

schedule (tickets can be bought here)

app link

2024 series wiki (so helpful)

[ad-hawkeye]

not to be that person but I did write a "no actually fuck you 2nd Anni, artem is asexual" fic bc it made me so mad. https://archiveofourown.org/works/55482385

hey guys. hey followers. read this. now. like right now.

i want to put this out here for the class bc. holy SHIT. my god. this was genuinely so fucking good. what. WHAT. AND HOW DOES THIS ONLY HAVE 150 VIEWS AND 20+ KUDOS?? EXCUSE ME?

the way you seamlessly tied in the insecurity plot from second anniversary and made it make sense. instead of it just being a really odd rehash of older cards, this makes it feel so fresh and new and interesting and jesus christ IT'S ENTIRELY CANON COMPLIANT?!?!??! WITH THE WHOLE CARD???? YOU'RE INSANE FOR THIS HOLY SHIT???

the way this hit like a truck. this is honest to god something i have felt. so often. as part of being aroace (or in this case ASEXUAL, bc YEAH!!)

anyways. please read this. anyone who is reading this post. bc oooooh my god im feeling things for the first time in AGES. look at this. i'm in shambles. LOOK.

it's a mix of this being so wonderfully written. and just. hitting so damn close to home for me (esp since this sort of feeling is something i also get distressed about every once in a while, being aspec can feel so... alienating). i'm actually tearing up a little! wow! okay! whew. i'm glad i saved this for when i was off work and cozy so i could enjoy it! thank you for this !!! sincerely from my heart!