#every so often I'm like ''okay I say we get summer depression and winter depression but we're depressed all the time

[thethingything]

"why do I feel so weird and awful" says man who already made a post half an hour ago that included the reasons he feels weird and awful

[usedtohaveascenewithhim]

I'm trying really hard not to strangle my roommate when she gets home, so here's the text I wanted to send her:

I was not complaining. I was trying to bring attention to something I wanted to fix that would mutually benefit us, because we both leave shit out.

You’re right about the lights. I was raised better than to leave the lights on, and I’m sorry. I’ve been very forgetful lately (surely you don’t believe that I do it for shits and giggles). I’ll do better in the future. However, it costs pennies on the dollar to keep lights on. Everybody’s electricity bill is high because of how the weather has been, and we agreed to split it 50/50. If you want to start splitting by percentages, then you can start paying for the portion of my low-FODMAP foods that you eat. That about covers the difference.

As for the trash— a decent amount of it was your trash. It was one bag. I collected all of the trash I could find in the LDK and sink that night. That’s why it was so full. I wasn’t asking you to take out all of the recycling or cardboard (though I am frustrated about the recycling and cardboard. Not mad—but if we had each taken something out every day, we would have been done two weeks ago).

I recognize that I do not have a history of practicing what I am confronting you about, but I’m making a renewed effort at living my life instead of just surviving. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was acting as though I did not actively engage in the behaviors that I’m referencing. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it that night. I was halfway into a glass of wine. That’s not an excuse—I certainly could have explained it better with more context regardless of my condition. But after going home to clean up my family’s life, I really didn’t want to come home to have to clean the fucking carpet. To me, leaving things out when I’m actively at home is one thing. There is always the potential to clean it up. When I leave for a trip, my default has always been to get everything squared away. You have only ever known me when my trips have been mostly 36 hours or less, so it didn’t matter as much in the dorms. When I move into places, it takes a while for my old “this is home base” routines to kick in (and the depression and covid and all of that. I’ve been a mess this semester is what I’m trying to say).

Do not complain to me about your job. I work my ass off and manage my money so that I don’t find myself up shits creek without a paddle. I have had more time than you to do this—more semesters, yeah, but also more summer breaks, winter breaks, etc. I’ve probably spent more time working than in class. Yes, I’m privileged. I have a safety net. I grew up with 99% of my material needs fulfilled one way or another. That does not mean that my problems are any less valid than yours. I have offered to help you reduce your grocery bill. I have offered to help with budgeting resources and scholarships. I have offered to help you with your loans. If you don’t want my help, fine! The university offers financial counseling for students. But don’t act like you don’t have resources at your fingertips. And guess what? The only difference between your cashflow and mine (beyond income) is that I utilize my credit card effectively month to month. That’s how people are able to fucking afford things with a paycheck like mine. Also, “Daddy” doesn’t pick up the check. I pay for more of my own shit than he ever did in college, and his parents weren’t as well off as my father is. That speaks nothing of the fact that my father often requires his children to pay for their own things. It builds character. If I ask him to pay for something, I know he might say no, and I have to be okay with that. Is he going to say no in the dead of winter when I can’t pay my portion of the electric bill? No. That’s why I make sure that I NEVER have to ask him, which I can do through because of a job that broke me this semester My mother (a first generation college student) is proud of how I budgeted ON MY OWN and how I conduct my finances while eating on a diet that is required for me to live a meaningful life—which, by the way, costs about twice as much as your grocery bill month to month. You could lower your grocery bill by purchasing the Great Value bottle of cranberry juice instead of Ocean Spray. You can’t complain about not being able to afford groceries and then buy name brand products.

I’m sorry that I have let my emotional mess reflect in all aspects of my life. I’m trying to take care of myself, but it’s hard when you don’t know if any of it is medical or somatic (which is, in and of itself, medical). I have more doctors than I have friends, I have no support system beyond the middle aged empty nesters and millennials that I drink with, and my brain literally does not work. I’ve been trying not to vent to you since our conversation a couple of weeks ago (or whenever that happened. Time doesn’t exist), so if you don’t want to hear my problems, don’t ask me what’s wrong. I do not care if you ignore me actively crying. I’d rather sit with my emotions or go see Quinton at Prairie St than have the fact that I confided in you thrown back in my face. I would rather use up more energy calming myself down to go out than feel like this right now.

We have different problems. It isn’t bad. They’re just different. You’ve always been allowed to complain. We’re peers. If you think I’m being a jackass, tell me. If you think I’m depressed as fuck and don’t realize that I’m leaving all of my shit out, tell me. If you decide that we need a good old fashioned MGR-inspired cleaning day, then fucking say the word. I’ll turn on some music and we can take the entire day to deep clean this whole fucking apartment.

[alias-levi]

flash fic friday #7

for @liz-pooh . in celebration of the exams you passed. i got you and i love you 💙

i also want to say that I'm not 100% happy with what I'm written but I'm quite happy with how my initial draft of this turned out in the end.

i appreciate very much every interaction with this post! 💙

fandom: twilight word count: abt. 1,500 words pairing: Felix/fem!oc topics (and warnings): teasing, fluff, domestic!Felix, i gotta admit Demetri is only mentioned like twice, dancing salsa

summary: Liza, Felix and Demetri have been sent to Galicia, Spain to find out more about an old vampire. But it’s late summer and the days are sheer endless - and so is the time that has to pass before they can leave the house. Time to learn some salsa.

[ID: They learned how to salsa on a Friday night in the dim light of the kitchen.]

source: this prompt is from @poison-prompts (it's also #66 if anyone wanted to know) and the only thing that is different, is that it's not dim haha

thank you and the text is below the cut :) enjoy!

Spain is a beautiful country - especially in late summer. The mostly dry air makes it rather easy to breathe in the heat. The seemingly endless masses of tourists are finally travelling home and there are a few quieter weeks before the first winter tourists arrive, looking for a place to stay warm and cozy while their home countries drown in rain and snow. They come to Spain to escape the depressing grey sky, the short days and long nights. In late summer, the nights are still warm enough to even go swimming in the ocean - not that the temperature would have been a big concern for three vampires anyways.

Liza, Felix and Demitri have been sent to Galicia by Aro. Their order is to find out more about a male vampire that’s supposed to be in the area. He is rumored to be several hundred years old and to have explicit information on the Spanish royals. Aro has also heard that this vampire is not too friendly towards strangers and - that’s where Liza’s power comes into picture - is said to be one of the last dozen people who still speak an old Galician dialect.

Aro is not taking any chances.

So, he sent Liza.

Because that’s what she does: Whenever Liza talks, the recipient will, without a doubt, hear her words in their mother tongue. No matter how ancient, how rare, how complicated or hard to pronounce the language is. While Liza always speaks her own first language, German, the received sound will differ. This has caused quite some surprised reactions so far and Liza loves seeing people get excited and emotional about hearing the language their mother once spoke. Especially older vampires.

Aro had provided the trio with a nice small finca near Oia, on Spain’s north-west coast. It’s not exactly a tourist hotspot like other Spanish cities, so their area is rather quiet. Just like the long days in the finca.

With a sigh Liza turns yet another page in the book she is reading. Demetri had retreated to his room just after noon, leaving Liza and Felix alone in the living area. The dining table somewhere behind Liza is cluttered with files and documents that Felix needs to examine to make sure they did not overlook anything.

Another dramatic sigh leaves the female vampire’s lips. Liza throws her book next to her onto the cushions and dramatically turns her head to look out of the window front. From the terrace, through the garden and beyond the fence a narrow path winds down just to the coast. Their own private beach.

Still, there’s hours to pass for the sun to set eventually.

Liza listens to Felix drop his file onto the table. His chair gets pushed back. Only a bit, though. She can hear it scratching over the wooden floor. He doesn’t stand up.

“Querida, have you ever danced salsa before?”

Liza snorts. “No, I can’t dance anyways.”

“You could learn it. You've got a lot of time now.”

“And who’s going to show me? You?”

There’s a challenge in her voice and Liza turns just enough to be able to look over the back of the sofa. Felix is staring at her, his elbows resting on his knees, hands together, head slightly tilted. He looks intimidating. Like a predator preparing to attack his prey.

“Querida you forget where I’m from. I’ve been dancing salsa before I could even walk.”

“How come I’ve never seen you dance before then?”

“Well, I’ve been lacking the right... partner for that. Come here, let me show you.”

“No, thank you. As I said, I can’t dance.” Liza laughs and turns back around.

“Oh come on! This is going to be fun!”

“Make me!”

Liza’s book gets ripped out of her hands and hits the wall with a thud before falling to the floor. Still sitting on the sofa, Felix is towering above her. He leans down, one hand on either side of her. Felix’ face is so close, Liza can see her reflection in his dark red eyes and ever so often she can’t help but look down onto his lips. But she doesn’t get to do anything about it.

Felix winks at Liza.

Taking her hands he pulls her up and away from the sofa. Felix doesn’t let go of her hands when he takes another step back and turns serious again.

“Basic steps, querida. It’s not as hard as it looks.”

Liza rolls her eyes. “Fine.”

“Good. Now mirror me. Left, right, left. Right, left, right. Do it again.”

“Easy. That’s it?”

Felix smiles at her, “oh no. These are the basic steps that will stay the same all the time. Oh and you need to move your hips more.”

Liza’s eyes shoot up to look at Felix. A smug grin on his face.

“If you wanna see me shake my booty, you just had to ask, boy.”

Felix moves to stand behind his girlfriend and his sudden closure makes it surprisingly hard to concentrate. His lips are at her ear, softly touching it as he speaks quietly.

“Again, querida. Left, right, left. Right, left, right. Left-”

The vampire’s hands have been sitting loosely on Liza’s hips. Guiding them, his body as close as possible but still leaving her enough space. When she missteps, Liza rests her head on her boyfriend, groaning. Felix chuckles softly into her ear.

“Am I making you nervous, querida?”

“Nervous is not what I would call it,” she turns around in his arms. There’s an expression flickering through her eyes that causes Felix to swallow hard. “Let’s just say you distract me... Anyways, what’s next?”

Felix watches Liza bat her eyelashes innocently at him and it takes clearing his throat for him to find his words again.

“Right, right. So next we do this together. Come here.”

Felix doesn’t wait for Liza. He pulls her back in, probably a bit too far, but that is not the point. Liza laughs briefly and takes Felix’ hand. After making sure she’s good with the basic steps, Felix starts rotating them. Slowly but surely they make one round, and it is really coming together.

It’s cute how concentrated Liza stares at their feet, Felix finds, so he decides to spice things up by telling her to do a double step. Though neither vampire stops in their movements, Liza looks at Felix in disbelief.

“A double step?”

“Yes,” he smiles at her encouragingly, “I’ll count you in twice then we actually do it, okay?”

“Okay.”

Her answer is breathless but her eyes never leave Felix’. After a couple more minutes Liza gets the hang of it and feels safe enough to look at Felix again. He looks utterly happy and relaxed. She smiles.

Felix looks at his girlfriend with a proud face. “Close your eyes,” he tells her. “Keep the steps the same, that’s the only thing you need to concentrate on. I’ll do the rest. Trust me.”

And Liza does. Closing her eyes, she rolls her shoulders one last time and relaxes her hands. She can feel Felix move them around again, slow circles but not on the spot anymore. Felix leads them in bigger circles through the area. Once he feels sure enough that Liza will keep the steps, he starts moving faster. He watches her frown.

“You’re getting faster.”

“Correcto, querida. You’re doing great so far.”

Liza smiles and suddenly Felix’ hand leaves her hip. His other keeps holding hers and her free hand just hovers in the air. For three steps they stay like this, then Liza feels Felix’ chest under her fingertips again. She opens her eyes and takes the look in.

Smiling brightly Felix’ eyes never leave her face. His dark, usually very neat hair, looks a bit disheveled and his black silky dress shirt is halfway unbuttoned.

Quite a look, Liza thinks to herself.

But the female vampire doesn’t look less alluring. Tight black control leggings are hugging her curves and her white sheer cotton blouse has been unbuttoned a while ago. Underneath, a white crop top holds everything in place and covers about as much as it reveals.

Felix can’t take his eyes off her as they dance. Dancing salsa again after all this time brings back some memories he usually keeps locked away. But the woman in his hands keeps his brain routed in the present. By now, she is taking some initiative. Liza is putting more power into her steps and swings her hips just a bit more. When Felix’ eyes return to Liza’s face he watches her tip her head back and laugh. Freely. Happily.

In a swift motion, he brings their bodies together. He doesn’t need to tell her that they are no longer doing double steps. By now hours must have passed and their bodies are synced oh so well.

Reflexively Liza gasps for air. She raises her arms to lock her hands in his neck. Her eyes wide open as Felix’ hands cup her side firmly. She knows what’s about to come.

Then Felix kisses her.

[pennys-th0ughts]

Robert Gray. The Origin of Pennywise 🤡 Chapter 2

Augustine was sitting on the stairs in the porch. She was, as usual, reading one of her favorite books totally submerged in it. I was looking at her and cherishing every single one of her features that often reminded me to my wife. From her she got her beautiful eyes and the freckles on her cheeks and nose and from me she got the color of my hair and a proud nose. Her long curled copper hair resembled a furious river and its stream made of fire running a smooth hill down.

My daughter was a lovely fifteen years old young woman now and the springtime of her womanhood has already knocked at her door. Raising a little girl for a single father isn’t always that easy, even more when you don’t have an instructions book of how to play both figures for her. There were times I got to feel uncomfortable explaining things that a mother should, but in time we made it and Augustine did her best to understand me.

– ¿Are you thinking about mom, dad? – She suddenly asked me and made me snap out of my thoughts.

I remained in silence for some minutes trying to picture Charlotte’s face in my mind. After ten years without her and my memory loss stepping forward every day, which was diagnosed a couple years ago, made me fear that someday her face would start being something unknown to me but the pictures I kept on my night table and in almost all around the house were preventing me to forget the woman I loved the most.

– I think about her every single day, sweetheart – I answered my daughter with a little smile, trying really hard to contain my tears.

I couldn’t show her my weak side if I wanted her to be strong, but the feeling was devastating sometimes. To help me cope I used to read the diary she had left me before she passed, her poetry and quotes had so much heart that you could feel each word caressing your soul. To me they were like some kind of balm she made only for me and to cure my torn up spirit. The few years spent together we have realized that we had become in some kind of inspiration to each other.

To me she was the muse that helped me create the most benevolent medicines and for her I turned to be the architect that built the most beautiful dream she would keep living through once she was gone. And I was looking at this dream straight to her eyes and telling her how much I missed her mother without mentioning how badly I needed her.

– She never left – Augustine finally said closing her book and putting it to a side-. She is still here with us.

The truth in her words got me thinking for a moment and, despite her young age, once more my daughter was right. Her wisdom was so pure and unpredictable that many times left me without words, only thoughts. I kept thinking the loss of her mother made her grow faster than I would have wanted; she was so little when Charlotte passed away than I could bet she barely remember her.

Augustine sat down on my lap and I hugged her really tight. My little girl will soon leave the house and also a big emptiness in my heart, but I knew that was the right thing to do. She had a promising future outside Derry and I wouldn’t dare to force her to stay, Charlotte would surely kill me if she could.

Finally the day I feared the most to come came and I suddenly saw myself with my eyes watering because of the tears I couldn’t hold. I helped my daughter to place her luggage inside the carriage one foggy October night and after we said goodbye she finally departed to her new destination. I saw her put distance between us and the more distant she got the more I started missing her. House would feel so empty and the days would become longer. A new lonely phase was about to begin and I wasn’t ready for it.

Fire spread fast and by the time firefighters came to help the flames had already wiped out most of the things. Liquid medicines became into steam and all the solid ones and ingredients were now ashes. Drugstore burned to the ground until everything turned out into dust. I fell on my knees and watched powerless how the little smolders were slowly dying leaving only charcoals on their spot. I clenched my fists so hard that my nails pierced my skin and bloody marks popped up.

After the incident I had to let Charlotte’s brother go; rebuild the store from a scratch was going to take a lot of time and money I didn’t have. I was officially broken. Losing my job at the store was the last low blow I wasn’t expecting and after not seeing another way out of my bad financial situation I decided, with a heavy heart, to sell the house and move in to a smaller place a bit away from the main square.

Depression didn’t take long to look through my window one cold winter day. Soon I would start to loose notion of time and the will of going out and face people would become smaller each day. Paranoia came after and some days were blurry, alcohol would make them a little bit clearer but the outcome afterwards was always worse.

Augustine got a letter sometime after the tragedy, in it I told her what happened and where I was living now. She wrote me back and her letter arrived a couple days later saying that the conservatory wouldn’t allow her to leave until upcoming summer vacations. Long months were lying ahead like some kind of carpet made of shattered glass, I was in one end and Augustine was in the other, getting to her would definitely be something very painful.

Hot waves of air announced summer as usual. I was sitting on one of the benches at the train station waiting with my eyes lost in the far landscape loaded with orange, red and coffee tones. I was sitting there alone and waited for more than one hour Augustine’s train to arrive, something that never happened. I looked down and my eyes fell on the dusty floor as my spirit did. Bitterness of disappointment began flooding my mouth as if I just had a long sip of choler. When I finally gave up to the hope of seeing my daughter again someone came up out of the blue catching me unguarded. She sat down next to me and sighed. Her perfume started tearing floral notes of rose, violets and lavender of the air and some citric shades of tangerine and lime.

– If you don’t mind me saying, – she finally spoke- it seems you have been waiting long enough.

I abruptly turned my head to look at her unsuccessfully hiding the surprise plastered all over my face. She chuckled at my sudden reaction with a shy smile that she politely covered with her hand. The paleness of her skin reminded me the bright side of the moon, her light brown eyes looked like two pieces of gold and her hair was stunningly white.

– I'm afraid you are quite correct – I replied slightly smiling back-. ¿Are you waiting for the next train, miss?

– Actually no – she extended her hand to shake mine-. I just came down from the one that just left.

We shook hands and she introduced herself as Carou Sehl, I did the same and told her I used to be the apothecary of the town until not long ago a fire burned the whole place down. We shared some trivial details of our current occupations and some other irrelevant events of our lives. It was about to be eight o'clock and I was starting to feel a little hungry.

– ¿Would you like to have a cup of coffee? – I asked her with my voice fully loaded with hesitation, fearing to be rejected because of the late hour.

She seemed not to be worried about the time so she accepted my invitation, I helped her get up and we headed to the most comfortable cafeteria downtown. On our way there we didn’t speak much, we limited ourselves to watch the store windows and the things there exhibited. In a moment the girl froze on the spot making me stop immediately since she was still grabbing my arm.

I didn’t need to ask what was going on when I saw her admiring a beautiful dress a manikin was wearing. The price in the tag was certainly high but the fabric and the design of the piece was undoubtedly amazing that reminded me the kind of dress only the princesses in fairy tales would wear.

The environment inside the cafeteria was surprisingly nice at this hour, there weren’t too much people and that made it really quiet, special to have a long and relaxed talk. Carou sat down in front me and left her belongings next to her, I did the same with my hat and coat. The waitress greeted us politely leaving the menu on the table which we both laid hands on it at the same time. Such a clumsy coincidence made the girl laugh shyly and ripped a smile of my lips, maybe the most sincere one since a long time.

We spent the next two and half hours talking about the intriguing life inside a circus, Carou worked there for many years since she was ten years old until they parents had to retire because of their advanced ages. She carefully explained that once the acrobats reach their fifties they must stop working because the muscles begin getting hard and the joints doesn’t respond as they should putting their lives in danger of falling. Carou kept on going with the family’s inheritance until time decided when to show her the finishing flag.

I remained looking at her in silence, listening every single word coming out from her pink lips carefully. She spoke with so devotion that was inevitable not to feel the same fire inside your chest.

– It seems you love what to do – I finally said sighing-. ¿Have you ever imagined yourself doing something else?

– Not really, no – she answered my question while playing with the napkin-. I think my life was meant to be spent in a circus and I'm okay with that…

– ¿But…?

– But I would have loved to travel around the world, with the circus or not, it would have been a quite unforgettable experience.

Carou clearly seemed to be the kind of woman that loved adventure but hadn’t the chance to get out and see the world by her own. Her parents anchored her to a life that had limited choices and she accepted it without hesitation given it was her only way out to a complicated situation.

– It would have, indeed –I reaffirmed her point of view.

I paid the coffees and we left. Before going separate ways, she invited me to go and watch one of her numbers at the circus which I gladly accepted. That night a warm breeze was blowing, gently shaking the branches of the trees and their leaves. The wind didn’t give time to put my hat on in time and disheveled a few locks of my hair; Carou took one of them and put it behind my ear and said:

– Your hair looks like winter fire…

I froze on the spot for a split of a second not knowing how or what to feel but I immediately put myself together and reacted just in time to say goodbye and kiss her hand. That night I would return home with a strange but nice feeling inside my chest, something I thought it was long time gone.

To be continued…

Image: Andy White (@deviantart )