#every other thing I like which tends to revolve around Tough Boy Is Sad And Vulnerable

[shackleton2]

watching the first 10 minutes of Nimona like:

ok tough guys in love I like that

...bad villain is really sad victim I like that a lot

.......OH HEY ROBOT ARM

everything I like is 3 degrees of separation max from Bucky I stg I LOVE IT

[streetlight11]

Streetlight

Summary: Changbin wants to be the person that those around him can rely on when they’re having a hard time. But he doesn’t realize that his mistake was to keep his own problems to himself, only to burst one day due to the pent up emotions he’s been holding onto.

Genre: slight angst, fluff

Warnings: mild swearing, prior to the current pandemic situation

WC: 2.8k

Pairing: Seo Changbin x Reader

Growing up, you always knew Changbin was the kind to put everyone else’s problems above his own. He wants to be everyone’s pillar of strengths. Mostly the people that he loves and cares for. Back when you were in high school with him, he was always there for you. Be it when you got bullied, when you had a rough day, when you got one mark lesser than your expected score, anything.

Even though Changbin tends to lash out when his problems have been pent up for too long and was taking a toll on him, saying harsh things to you, never once did you take it to heart. 

Simply because you understood why he was acting that way. You even offered him a listening ear for his problems but he chose to keep them to himself. Only after endless prying and persuasion, that he finally opened up to you and it still wasn’t everything.

But at that very moment, you were thankful that he did. At least a small chunk of his problems were out of his mind and chest, you could almost see the slight heavy weight being lifted off his shoulders.

However, he was never not there for you to the point where he would often hang out at your family home almost every day. Your parents loved him. They adored this little boy who was more selfless than anything, who puts up a strong front for others to rely on.

Even after he successfully debuted as an idol, he was still the same boy you knew during your childhood.

You watched as he grew with his members, his character never once changed as he still lends his shoulder to his members for them to cry on, giving them something to rely on during tough times.

Changbin still kept in contact with you after all these years as he told his members about you as though you were a prized possession. 

And to be very honest, to him, you really were his prized possession. 

Today was no different as he texted you after lunch. You were just sitting in your office desk, reading through the email you got from your Head of Department regarding the project you were going to be a part of when your phone dinged on your right side.

Binie✨ [3:06pm] : Noona

Binie✨ [3:06pm] : What time do you finish work today?

You [3:08pm] : 830

Binie✨ [3:09pm] : Will you be too tired if I asked you to stop by the company building after work? 🥺

You [3:10pm] : Nope! It’s fine!

You [3:11pm] : I can stop by

You [3:11pm] : Just tell me which room you guys will be in okay?

Binie✨ [3:13pm] : Okay noona 🥺👉🏼👈🏼

Hours later, you were just waiting outside your office building for a cab when your phone started ringing, only to see his caller ID flashed on your screen.

“Hello?”

“Oh noona, where are you?”

“Waiting for a cab. Why?”

“Do you want my manager hyung to fetch you? I can get him to do it.”

“No, Binie it’s fine. I’ll text you once I’m there okay?”

“Okay. Text me once you’re 5 minutes away. I’ll come down.”

“Alright Binie. See you.” 

You hung up the call and soon, entered a cab that you managed to hail. The drive to JYP building took about 45 minutes so when you were around the corner, you texted him. He immediately rushed downstairs to fetch you from the entrance.

The driver came to a stop, only for you to pay him by card and he soon wished you good night.

You did the same as you left the vehicle before heading straight into the building. The minute you walked through the revolving door, you jumped at the voice that called your name. His voice echoing the entire lobby.

“Y/N Noona!!” Changbin said as he skipped over to you only to wrap his arms around your frame, earning a soft clear of a throat from someone behind him.

“Safe distancing please.” The lady at the front desk said with a little smile on her face before Changbin and you apologized in unison.

A soft chuckle escaped his lips as you went over to register your name and soon used the hand sanitizer followed by getting your temperature checked by the machine before you could enter the building further after Changbin told the lady that you were with him.

In the lift however, Changbin couldn’t keep his hands to himself as he wrapped his arms around your waist, nuzzling his nose against your neck. You giggled at the tickling feeling as you squeezed his shoulders lightly.

He brought you to the practice room where his members were in, and the minute you both entered, the boys got excited as Jisung ran up to you. You brought your hands out to brace yourself for the impact. Instead, Jisung bent down only to put you over his shoulders with your backside in the air. He carried you to the middle of the room as you found yourself laughing.

“Yah, Jisungie put her down!” Chan scolded with a laugh as the rest of them chuckled as well. Jisung soon placed you back down, only for you to hit his chest playfully.

The boys asked you how you were doing and some of them even whined to you saying they haven’t seen you in so long and that they missed you. You giggled as you told them you were too caught up with important work recently, only for them to understand. 

After a few more minutes of chatting, Chan beckons them over to continue with practice, only for you to situate yourself in the corner where the couch was at.

A few hours passed and they were all visibly exhausted but they still persisted on like the hardworking, talented young men they were. You didn’t realize what was going on in the practice room until you heard bickering.

You looked up from your phone, only to see Changbin squaring up to Jeongin. That’s when you saw Chan and Minho separating the two with Chan forcefully holding Changbin back.

Uh oh.

“You know I’m supposed to be there! Why didn’t you let me move?!” Changbin’s voice low as he growled at the younger tauntingly.

“Guys, can we all calm down? It’s getting late and everyone’s tired but we need to work together.” Chan said as the rest of them began to keep a distance between Changbin and themselves. You knew something wasn’t right so you got up to hold Changbin’s arm.

At that moment, you could feel it. He was burning from anger. 

“Bin ah, you’re just stressed. Calm down.”

“Calm down?! Did you not see him?! He was a mess! They’re all a fucking mess!” Changbin yelled but you didn’t even flinch meanwhile everyone else did.

“Seo Changbin. Watch your words.” You scolded him firmly.

At this point, everyone could sense the strong tension lingering in the air as it was too thick to be cut with scissors. The boys watched silently as they knew that if there was one person who could talk some sense into Changbin, it was you. They knew that only you could understand him like an open book. And right at that moment, Changbin was mad. 

He was letting his feelings control his mind and you weren’t gonna let him continue with it. He took steps closer until he was less than an arm lengths away from you.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do. You’re not even a damn idol. You have no idea what it’s like.”

The boys gasped in shock, not expecting him to say that. They thought you would break down or even leave the room upset but you didn’t. They knew there was a deeper connection between you two so they just chose to watch silently while Chan and Hyunjin comforted Jeongin.

“You’re right. I’m not an idol. But that doesn’t mean you can lash out on your members just because you’re mad at something else.”

“What bullshit are you talking about!”

“Your bullshit Bin! You can lie to everyone else that you’re okay, but you can’t lie to me. You put up a strong front for people but you refuse to break down your own walls for the sake of your own well being.”

You paused for a while to see his reaction but when all you got was his sad, confused eyes, you took that as a sign to continue.

“Being selfless is a good thing but you have to know your limits. They want to be there for you when you’re having a rough day. I want to be there for you. But you’re making it so difficult for them. For me.” 

The room fell silent as Changbin closed his eyes tightly before taking a deep breath. He took off his cap and soon threw it harshly towards the wall behind you but never once did you flinch. He soon left without saying a word as the door slammed behind him. You let out a heavy sigh as you walked back to the guys, only to hold Chan’s arm.

“I’m sorry about him guys… Changbin can be a little… tough if he’s having a bad day. Please don’t get upset with him. I promise you he doesn't ever mean those words he said. He’s just doing it out of anger.” You said, only for them to sigh.

Just then, you walked up to Jeongin who had a small tear roll down his cheek, making you smile apologetically to him before you pulled him into a hug.

You caressed the back of his head soothingly as he buried his face in your shoulder.

“Don’t take it to heart okay?” You said, only for him to nod.

You pulled away from him as you turned to them and told them to continue where they left off as you quickly left the room to find for your childhood best friend. You searched through all the rooms down the empty hall as you jogged past the lift lobby only to hear soft sobs coming from the staircase.

You carefully walked over to the door, only to peek through the glass panel on the door. That’s when you saw his back, seated on the steps as he buried his head in his arms, resting on his knees.

You smiled softly as you opened the door, not a single movement from him. 

You carefully closed the door and walked over to him as you took a seat beside him. You let your legs brush against his as you turned to look at him with a small little smile on your face.

Just then, you reached up to gently caress his hair as you heard his sobs slowly reduce.

A few minutes later, Changbin’s head lifted as he stared into the empty space ahead. His mind clearly somewhere else.

“Noona…”

“Mmm?”

“Am I a bad person?”

“You can be annoying, a little hard to please, hard headed sometimes… but you’re not a bad person, Bin ah.” You smiled as he finally turned to you, his eyes glossy as his cheeks wet from his fresh tears.

“Then why do I always hurt the people that I love?” He asked, his voice faltering as you couldn’t help but cup his soft cheek and gently caress it.

“Because you rely too much on yourself.” Your words seemed to break him as you pulled him into a hug, letting him wrap his arms around your waist while he buried his face in your chest. He cried as his grip around your waist tightened.

“What am I doing wrong noona?” He whispered as you let out a soft sigh.

“You want people to rely on you. You want them to feel strong when they’re with you. You want people to feel safe and share all their problems with you so that you can ease their burden but you don’t realize that there are people who are willing to do the same for you.”

Your words came to a pause as you played with his hair before you continued.

“You don’t have to keep all your problems to yourself just because you don’t want to seem like a burden to others. You have no idea how many people are willing to be your pillar of strength on your rainy days. And I know for a fact that your members are one of those many people. You might never realize this too, but I am willing to do the same for you.”

With that, Changbin pulled away from you, only for him to wipe his tears with his sweater sleeves.

“Why are you still here? I’ve hurt you so many times before with my words. Why are you still holding on to me?” He asked.

“Because I know that of all the things you’ve said to me, you don’t mean any of them.”

“How would you know that?”

“Because I trust that this cute little boy would never do such a thing to anyone he loves and cares for.” You said as you cupped his face in both your hands, making him chuckle.

Just then, he glanced down at your lips.

“That means you know that I love you right?” His eyes met yours again only for you to smile.

“Of course I know.”

Changbin found himself grinning as he looked back at your lips only to lean in until he pressed his soft wet lips on yours. 

You could taste the salt from his tears as you smiled against his lips. You slid your arms around his shoulders as you pulled him closer to you, leaning your back against the wall for support as he had one hand pressed against the wall beside your waist while the other wraps itself around your body.

Changbin’s heart pounded against his chest as he felt so safe and secure in your arms. Something he has always felt ever since the day he met you.

You pulled away when you felt him bite your bottom lip teasingly, making you giggle.

“Come on. I think your members deserve an apology.” With that, Changbin pouted as he whined at you softly.

“Can we stay like this for a moment? You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”

With that, you giggled as you kissed his nose and whispered.

“We can do this any time, love.”

With that, Changbin sighed as a smile replaced his pout. Both of them re-entered the building as they walked back to the practice room, hand in hand. The moment they entered, Changbin’s voice echoed around the room as the boys were just taking a short break.

“Guys, can we talk?” Changbin started as the boys turned to both you and Changbin, only for Chan to smile.

“Sure.”

With that, Changbin turned to you as you gently squeezed his hand before you gave him a soft nod. You let go of his hand as he soon walked up to them.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier. Sorry if I made you upset. Especially you Jeonginie. Hyung’s really sorry.” Changbin said as he approached their maknae, only for Jeongin to flash him a smile as he immediately wrapped his arms around Changbin’s shoulders.

“It’s okay hyung! Please don’t ever feel like you burden us! If you have problems, tell us or tell noona okay? We love you so much.” Jeongin said as Changbin smiled against the younger’s shoulder.

The boys soon gave them a group hug as they all encouraged Changbin to not always pent up his problem to himself and that he can rely on them and you too.

You smiled as you took careful steps towards the corner where the couch was. Ignoring the soft whispers they were exchanging, only for Changbin’s voice to speak up.

“Noona?”

You turned around as he walked up to you. Once he was right in front of you, he gently took your hands in his, only to caress the back of your hands with his thumbs.

“Thank you for making me realize my mistakes.”

“Hey, what are best friends for right?”

“Except, I don’t want you to be my best friend anymore.”

He paused as you frowned in confusion, not catching up with what he was saying. Just then, Changbin softly reached up to caress your cheek as he leaned in to let his lips brush against yours softly before he spoke up.

“I want you to be my girlfriend…”

With that, your eyes widened as you heard happy cheers from the boys behind him.

“I’d love to.” You said as he smiled, finally capturing your lips in a kiss again for the second time that night. You smiled against his lips as he held you securely in his arms. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that he called you over that night.

[detroitwhatitmeanstobehuman]

Chapter 6 - Shared Loss

Part 6/17 of What it Means to be Human

Word Count: 13,649

Warnings: Swearing, alcoholism, Russian Roulette, suicidal ideation, very suggestive banter (they’re in a sex club in this chapter, kind of expected), hardcore flirting, trauma-induced panic attack.

Genre: Self-insert/Angst

Pairing: OC (Detective Rachel) X Connor

Rating: Mature

Summary: After getting a report of a homicide at an android sex club downtown, Connor and Detective Rachel go out to look for Lieutenant Anderson so they can all investigate. After finding Hank, they depart to investigate the Eden Club and find more than what it initially appears on the surface. But the environment is ripe with opportunities for jokes and teasing, and Rachel takes full opportunity of it, not realizing that Connor can dish it back quite effectively.

First Chapter | Previous Chapter

---------------------------------

It was actually a pretty fun car ride! My anxiety didn’t even once cross my mind, since I was both texting Bianca and talking to Connor, also about Bianca. I made it a habit to text my sister every day, just so she’d know how I’m doing. Especially since I was living pretty much on my own, now.

She had moved back to Canada after we both lived in Detroit. She had pretty much only lived there because of me so she could help me. It was also the reason she worked at CyberLife before she eventually went back home.

She seemed pretty scared and worried when she heard that I was gunning to be in the police academy here. We both knew it was a tough job, but she also knew it was something I had to do. It gave me a sense of purpose, of making a difference, and I think she knew that I needed to keep myself busy that way.

So, she went back home. And I promised I would text her just so she’d know how I am. As much as sometimes I didn’t feel like it, I always did anyways. I think it helped me avoid some of the worst days. My depression after the accident was really really bad. I couldn’t blame her for being so worried. After all, we were kind of the only really close family we still had, save for cousins. 

We’d always been really close, and we only became closer as we grew up.

And Connor was listening intently to me talk about her. Something I noticed about him ever since leaving my house was that he seemed to focus intensely on me whenever I spoke. As if he was trying to hang onto and record my every word. Even when I wasn’t really saying anything in particular, he still seemed to commit it all to memory.

I didn’t really know what to think of the gesture.

We looked for Hank at Jimmy’s Bar, but Jimmy said that he hadn’t seen Hank.

So, here we were at Hank’s house. Connor was standing next to me and started knocking on the door. “Lieutenant Anderson?” The android called. He then held the doorbell, the loud buzzer continuing on as Connor held it. Still no answer. “Anybody home?”

We waited for a few moments before I just shrugged. “Welp, he’s probably drunk.” I said, bending down. “Luckily for us, I know for a fact that Hank -” I then noticed Connor’s absence and looked around, not really seeing him. “Connor?” I called, confused. I sort of shrugged, flipping the doormat up and grabbing the house key, putting it into the keyhole and turning it, his lock giving way without much resistance. I had been at Hank’s enough times to know my way in and know that he wouldn’t really be surprised at my intrusion. 

After stepping inside, I was immediately greeted by Hank’s adorable St. Bernard dog. “Hi, Sumo!” I greeted the dog sniffing at me, his tail wagging happily as I bent down to slip the key back under the doormat outside. Hank’s dog was as familiar with me as I was with Hank, as I sometimes dogsat for him. Once I closed and locked the door again, I started petting the dog. “I know, I’m happy to see you too, my sweet baby boy!” I said in that tone of voice I usually spoke to animals with. It was pretty damn near impossible not to baby talk at animals.

Suddenly, interrupting my moment with Sumo, I heard the sound of glass breaking, and snapped my head in its direction, Sumo and I rushing toward it. “Argh!” I saw Connor rolling through Hank’s window into the kitchen/dining room area, my eyes wide in disbelief. Sumo quickly went into attack mode, or at least as much as the sweet pooch could really be in, and went up to check Connor out. “Easy!...Sumo...I'm your friend, see?...I know your name...” Connor assured the dog. As much as I found it adorable how Connor reacted to the St. Bernard, I was more appalled at the fact that he jumped through the fucking window! “I'm here to save your owner.”

“What the Hell, Connor!?” I whisper-yelled at the idiot android.

“I’m sorry.” He said, getting up. “I had to get into the house.”

“Hank keeps a spare key under his doormat!” I informed him, gesturing exaggeratedly towards the front door. “Something I was about to tell you if you had just waited for like five seconds before deciding to break in! Because like Hell I’m having a homemade hysterectomy at his house!”

Connor looked a little embarrassed for a moment. “Oh.” Was all he seemed to say.

As Sumo walked back up to me, sniffing at my legs, I let out an exasperated sigh that was quickly undercut by an amused snicker. “We’ll deal with that later. First we gotta find Hank.” I then looked around. “Speaking of which, where - ?” My eyes then found Hank’s form unconscious on the floor.

And next to him was a revolver, laid on the ground carelessly.

I felt my heart stop and my blood go cold at the sight, and instantly my instincts kicked in as I rushed towards him, kneeling over him, Connor joining me by the man’s side. “Hank!” Oh God, please no! Please don’t be fucking dead! “Hank! Can you hear me?! Please say something!” I pleaded, shaking him, feeling my breaths growing rapid and shallow.

Connor was staying silent, likely analyzing the lieutenant for any signs of danger or injury. “Lieutenant?” He asked, quietly. His seemingly nonchalant attitude put me somewhat at ease, but I couldn’t tell if he was always like that, or if he could portray panic or sadness. Either way, his lack of reaction made me feel better.

Quickly, Hank mumbled and shifted a little, sort of babbling. I let out a sigh of relief and slumped against him. “Oh, thank God...you’re just drunk.” I then quickly recoiled at the overwhelming unpleasant stench of alcohol, almost stumbling backward. “Really drunk! Ugh, Jesus Christ! That is definitely one of the reasons I don’t drink. The other being that I have a debilitating fear of losing control of myself and my body and thus I have an intense discomfort at the thought of being inebriated.”

Connor then reached over and firmly patted Hank’s face, causing him to grumble and shift even more. “Wake up, Lieutenant!” He willed once again.

Sighing and feeling my heart rate go back to normal, I got back up and leaned against the table, trying to catch my breath, looking over at Connor. “He’s probably gonna need more than that.” I advised the android. “It takes a lot to get him going when he gets that drunk.”

Seemingly taking my advice, Connor nods. Although, much to my shock, he winds up and delivers a hard slap that makes me almost choke in surprise. “It’s me, Connor!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, both because Connor just deadass slapped the shit out of old man Hank, and because I wasn’t expecting him to just slap him like that. “Holy shit, I didn’t mean that much!”

But it seemed to work, as Hank was starting to actually stir, grumbling and groaning even more in his drunken state. Connor wasted no time pulling Hank up to his feet, much to the man’s drunken protests. “I'm going to sober you up for your own safety.”

“Hey!...Leave me alone, you fuckin' android!”

“I have to warn you, this may be unpleasant.”

Hank seemed to regard Connor for a moment before he started complaining again. “Get the fuck outta my house!”

I let out an exasperated sigh and just started pointing at him. “Hank, I know you’re in your fifties, but I will mom the shit out of you, so help me!” I warned him. “Connor’s gonna sober you up, and you’re gonna fucking like it, God damn it!”

“I'm sorry Lieutenant, but I need you.” Connor apologized, pulling Hank’s right arm over his shoulders and snaking his own left around Hank’s side under his other arm. “Thank you in advance for your cooperation.”

“Hey! Get the fuck outta here!” Hank droned on as Connor started dragging him towards the bathroom, Hank continuing to make a series of loud grumbles and noises that I honestly couldn’t help but find hilarious, despite the unfortunate nature of Hank’s alcoholism. “Sumo! Attack!” He ordered, getting nothing out of the dog but a quick bark. “Good dog. Attack!”

As Connor rounded the corner, taking Hank to the bathroom, I shook my head and sighed, heading over to where Sumo was laying down. As soon as I approached, the dog heaved himself back up onto his legs. I quickly sat down next to him, my legs crossed, and let him lay down on me, his large head resting in my lap. “I know, baby.” I said to him, scratching him behind his ears the way he liked it. “Daddy’s got problems, I know. I don’t like it, either.”

From the direction of the hallway leading into the bathroom, I heard Hank’s voice again. “Fuck, I think I'm gonna be sick...” The sound of a door hastily being opened immediately followed, along with another protest from Hank. “Ah! Leave me alone, you asshole!” 

I couldn’t hear the rest of it, but I just rolled my eyes and shook my head, electing to just continue petting Sumo. He was a very good dog, and I think he’s one of the few things that keeps Hank still going. But it was very easy to see that he tended to get nervous, and it was mostly because Hank didn’t really take good care of himself. Dogs, and mammalian pets in general, were pretty good about sensing shit like that. And it does affect them. And anytime I would try to get Hank to start taking better care of himself, he’d just tell me to go fuck myself. I never took it personally, but just once I wished he would actually take my suggestions seriously.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of a shower being turned on, and Hank shouting at the top of his lungs. “TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!” Even after the sound of the water had just as quickly ceased, I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“A homicide was reported 43 minutes ago.” Connor informed Hank. “We couldn't find you at Jimmy's bar, so we came to see if you were at home.”

I practically facepalmed at Connor’s complete tactlessness. “DUDE!” I shouted at him from the other room. “THE MAN HAS JUST BEEN LYING ON THE FLOOR PISS DRUNK! YOU DON’T JUST OPEN WITH THAT! MAKE SURE THE POOR MAN’S OKAY, FIRST!” I lectured him, still shouting and shaking my head. “Jesus!”

“I’m sorry!” Connor replied back to me. “I’ll keep that in mind for the next time!” It sort of amazed me how he could maintain the same sort of polite and professional tone of voice while raising it. Despite the change in volume, he didn’t sound like he was actually shouting at me.

A small moment seemed to pass before I heard Hank complain again. “Jesus, I must be the only cop in the world that gets assaulted in his own house by his own fuckin' android.”

“Hey, if Connor didn’t do it, I would’ve!” I yelled at Hank. “So, SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

“YOU TOO?!” Hank exclaimed in indignation.

“Yes, me too!” I bit back with. “Because like it or not, I care about you! Because someone has to, so deal with it!”

I knew Hank didn’t really have much of a high opinion of himself. It was one of the reasons his self care was so poor. But like fuck I was gonna let that slide! I considered Hank a good friend, and I sure as Hell wasn’t going to let a friend wallow in his self-loathing and misery.

“You seem to have personal issues.” I heard Connor saying from the bathroom. “You should consult a professional who can help you!”

“Beat it! You hear me!?” Hank shouted at Connor. “Get the Hell outta here!”

I scoffed at him. “Hank, Connor’s right, you know!” I yelled.

I got no answer, so I just went back to petting Sumo. As much as I wanted to join in, the dog has me pinned to the ground with his head, and thus I am not allowed to leave.

That’s just the law of having animals. If they decide they wanna sleep, sit, or lay on you, that’s it. You live there now.

“I understand.” Connor said. “It probably wasn’t interesting anyway...a man found dead in a sex club downtown...” I snickered at him. “Guess they’ll have to solve the case without us...”

“Hey!” I shouted. “If Hank wants to stay home, we can make this case into a fun romp! Wouldn’t be too bad a place for a date!” I teased, a smug grin on my face. I knew he didn’t react to things like jokes or teasing in the same way humans did, but it didn’t make me want to do it any less. It was one of the ways I expressed affection, and I got the feeling that even though Connor didn’t understand it really, he understood that that’s how I expressed myself.

“You know, it probably wouldn’t do me any harm to get some air...” Hank said, agreeing. I couldn’t help but chuckle. There he is. Sumo shifted a bit, though instead of getting up and leaving, he just slumped more onto his side and shoved his face further into my lap. Welp, guess I’m never leaving.

“I’ll go get them!” Connor’s voice rung out. I was confused for a moment, but very quickly my brain pieced together from context clues. Ah, clothes. Fresh clothes. “What do you want to wear?”

“Whatever!” Hank groaned.

A moment seemed to go by before I heard Hank yelling and gasping, and I felt my stomach churn. I’ve always had sort of a weak stomach, and I especially couldn’t really handle vomit. The most I’ve ever had to do was help my sister throw up over the phone after she drunk too much one night. She was very much the sad drunk that night, but at least my sort of nonchalant blase attitude made her feel a lot better. Anytime she’d moan about how she was dying, I would just remind her that she wasn’t dying, and that she was just sad and drunk and that she’d be fine.

Sometimes reacting to something as if it’s not a big deal can help ground someone in reality. Inversely, reacting to other things like it is a big deal can also help ground someone in reality. It just depends on context.

Connor closed the bathroom door, muffling the sounds of Hank’s ordeal and the android slowly approached me. “Is Hank okay?” I asked him.

“He’ll be fine.” Connor informed me. “He informed me that he just needs five minutes. He’s just suffering from alcohol intoxication and his body is forcefully expelling it from his systems.”

“Yeesh!” I grimaced. “I’m very glad I stay away from alcohol. It’s not good and it tastes like urine in a mug. I’ve only ever really gotten drunk once, and I’m avoiding that situation again.”

Connor’s brows furrowed in concern for a moment as he regarded me. “Did something happen?”

“Oh! No, nothing bad happened!” I assured him. “I was in my apartment when I was still living in Canada just after I finished going to university. I was with Frank and a few of my friends from school for a beach day/board game night, and I wanted to see what I’m like when I’m drunk. Needless to say, I’ve discovered that I’m a silly drunk. So it wasn’t horrible and it’s definitely fun to remember, but I don’t think I want to get drunk again.”

“Ah, I see.” Connor said, nodding. “Probably a wise decision.”

His dark eyes then flicked over to Sumo and I saw his lips gently curl into a smile as he bent down to pet the St. Bernard, the dog lifting his head up to sniff at Connor’s hand. “You mentioned that you like dogs.” I said to him, remembering his conversation with Hank earlier at the station.

“Yes.” Connor replied, gently running his hand over the dog’s back and belly. “And I think it would be easy to assume you do, as well.”

“Oh, absolutely!” I answered, giving Sumo a good head scratch, to which the dog groaned and grumbled happily. I could easily recognize the sounds of a dog that was enjoying a good scratch. “But, I love all critters. Well, I’m not a fan of spiders, but I can usually at least appreciate them...when I’m not cowering in the corner.”

Connor nodded and got up, looking over the room. He inspected Hank’s vinyl collection, a set of jazz records.

He then left the living room and walked towards the dining room where we found Hank. I wondered for a moment if Connor inspected my house like that while I was brewing myself tea, learning as much as he could about me through simple observation. He knelt down to examine the revolver on the ground, and I couldn’t lie, the sight of it still made me tense up. “What were you doing with the gun?” Connor called out to Hank.

“Russian roulette! Wanted to see how long I could last...” Hank called out, his voice muffled by the bathroom walls. I let out a sigh, scrunching my face. “Must've collapsed before I found out...”

I heard Connor examining the revolver further, before he put it back down. “You were lucky, the next shot would have killed you.” He said rather pointedly.

I snuggled in closer to Sumo, feeling a darkness creep into my very senses. I knew Hank had...tendencies. He wasn’t suicidal. He couldn’t really pull the trigger. Not knowingly. But he kept testing the limits and leaving it up to chance, hoping somewhere that God would just kill him already.

The kind of man with nothing to live for, but no reason to die. A feeling I knew all too well.

And I knew full well the reason why. Connor had gotten up off the floor and was staring at it. A framed photo of Hank’s son, Cole. He died four years ago in an accident. He was only six. For a moment, I contemplated telling Connor the whole story. But...that wasn’t my story to tell. Whether or not Connor should hear the story was up to Hank, not me. And I had enough respect for Hank not to infringe on that right.

Hank wasn’t the type who was really all that good at expressing his feelings or talking about his problems. He tended to keep that shit to himself. He locked himself off from others, while I was eager to share. I talked about vulnerable things, but...I wasn’t really being vulnerable. Oversharing was just something I did to help me feel more in control. It was just another way to protect myself from my own guilt. My own darkness.

Hank and I weren’t always friends. But we understood each other. There was only one time he really opened up to me, and funnily enough, it was sort of the first time we had properly met.

I had just made detective after graduating from the police academy and being an officer for a while. One of my first cases was dealing with a set of red ice dealers, and I got a tip from a CI that a handoff was supposed to go down in a public park. So Chris and I made our way there early so that we couldn’t miss it. Chris waited in an unmarked vehicle, keeping an eye on things and letting me know if he saw any movement through my walker.

Whilst I was making my way around the place, I saw him there. Lieutenant Hank Anderson, sitting on a bench with a bottle of whiskey in hand. I’d seen him around before, but I’d never really even spoken to him. I sort of didn’t really like him, as he just kind of seemed like an unprofessional, crotchety, old drunkard that didn’t really take his job seriously, yet enjoyed his position of authority anyways.

But when I saw him sitting there on that bench, he seemed so...lost and forlorn. He was looking pretty sombre, and since he was off-duty, this was his time off the clock. He noticed me and gave me a nod. “Officer.” He greeted with a grunt.

“Lieutenant Anderson.” I replied in kind. “And it’s ‘detective,’ now.” He rolled his eyes, and I noticed that there was a place I could sit. I wasn’t sure what compelled me to keep him company, but...I felt like I should. “I’m waiting to see if my CI was right about a dealer making a handoff here. So, mind if I have a seat?”

The lieutenant scoffed. “Yeah, go ahead. Whatever.” He droned. 

I was briefly annoyed, but took a seat, being careful not to sit too close to him or touch him. He was definitely distant, I could see it in his pale blue eyes. Looking around, it seemed pretty strange to me that someone like him was just sitting and getting drunk at a children’s playground alone. So in my mind, he was either dealing with some shit, or he was just an old drunk creep. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, however, and decided to gently pry at him. “So, what’s a guy like you doing at a place like this at this hour with a bottle of booze?” I asked him. “Get kicked out of too many bars for roughhousing some assholes?”

He seemed to actually be briefly amused by my attempt at bonding, giving me a weak chuckle. But he downed another gulp of whiskey and shot me a glare. “Why the fuck do you care?”

As rude as that question was asked, I just shrugged. “Why not? Wallowing in misery is a lot less shitty when someone’s there to make sure you get cleaned up, after.” I said to him blankly. “I’m not allowed to be worried about a fellow officer?”

“Tch, what?” He scoffed at me, shoving me a little aggressively. “Do I look pathetic to you? Like a fucking loser? You just sitting here and acting like you care outta fuckin’ pity?”

I’ve dealt with enough aggressive jagoffs to know that responding in kind with aggression just made them angrier. It was just easier and better to diffuse them. “You say that like basic human empathy is a bad thing.” I shot back with a monotone delivery, an eyebrow raised.

He seemed to respond to that neutrally, shaking his head with a scoff. “Whatever.” He grumbled, taking another swig of booze. “It’s not like a kid like you could understand.”

I blinked at him a couple times, not breaking my gaze from him. “Try me.” I said simply.

He was quiet for a moment. But then, to my surprise, he actually started talking to me. He...he told me everything. About Cole. About the truck skidding on the road. About Cole’s trip to the hospital. About how an android was tasked to operate on his son, and...Cole didn’t make it.

I listened intently, responding only when it was appropriate for me to. And...I told him about Frank.

At that moment, we understood each other. We both knew grief and loss, and it affected us in our daily lives. It changed the way we each respectively saw the world. I then heard Chris on the walker about the dealer making the handoff, and Hank and I ended up arresting him and a couple of other dealers that were in the area.

After that, we actually started to become familiar with one another. We were partners on a few cases, and after that, he started getting me on other tougher cases. Even the other detectives were surprised that I was getting “special treatment.” But at that point, we weren’t just colleagues or occasional partners.

We were friends. We could depend on each other and trust each other. We had each other’s backs. And we understood each other better than anyone else in the precinct did. All thanks to that one night.

Distracting me from my thoughts, Sumo quickly got up and walked towards the bathroom, and I heaved myself up onto my feet, approaching Hank. He was wearing something pretty snazzy, if a little silly. But for where we were going, it would work. Hank turned from Connor to me and sighed. “Hey, kid.”

“Hey, Hank.” I replied in kind. “You feeling better now?”

“Yeah.” Hank assured me, looking down at Sumo. “Be a good dog, Sumo. I won't be long.”

With that, Connor and I quietly followed Hank to the front door, my gaze glancing back at the photo of Cole before continuing out the door. “Sorry about the window, Lieutenant.” Connor apologized to Hank. “I really thought you'd been attacked. Of course, CyberLife will pay for the damage.”

Hank scoffed. “Yeah, trust me, I'll send 'em a bill...”

I sort of shrugged as we emerged back out into the nighttime rain. “I tried to tell him it wasn’t necessary, but he sorta jumped the gun a bit. Or the window, in this case.”

Hank groaned. “That barely took any effort.”

“Yeah, definitely not one of my better jokes.” I agreed. “But in my defense, I didn’t have much to work with.”

--------

“Aw...Feels like somebody's playing with a drill inside my skull...” Hank groaned in the front seat. He was in the passenger’s seat while Connor was driving, a wise decision, I thought. “You sure this is the place?”

Connor shrugged. “It's the address in the report.” He replied nonchalantly.

“Right...Okay...” Hank grumbled. I was feeling pretty bad for him. I mean, he did just deal with lying on the floor drunk. And I would’ve offered him some ibuprofen, but I knew that wasn’t a good thing to take anywhere near alcohol. “Let's get going.”

I raised a concerned eyebrow at Hank. “Are you sure?” I asked him. “Maybe you should stay in the car and Connor and I can deal with this.”

“No, no. I’m fine.” Hank stubbornly assured me. “Don’t you worry about me, I’m okay.” He then got out of the car, bumping his head with a mumble, and I followed quickly along. Connor was last and locked the car after we got out.

As we approached, I noticed all the cops outside, and the cool blue club lighting coming from inside, bright pink neon letters spelling out Eden Club. From the outside, it didn’t seem like a bad place to hang. 

As we approached the entrance, barred off with a holographic do not enter barrier for police investigations, I heard Hank scoff. “‘Sexiest androids in town’...Now I know why you insisted on coming here!”

The club interior was bathed in violet and blue lights, the cool hues making it pleasant on the eyes, I had to admit. Glancing over at Connor, I decided to have a bit of fun. “Really? I didn’t know Connor works here.”

Hank snapped his head around to glare at me and Connor’s brown eyes quickly darted in my direction. I saw his LED flicker red for a moment, and this time I knew I didn’t imagine it. He seemed so typically composed, but I realized something crucial.

Connor could get flustered. Or at least embarrassed.

And then the widest smirk on my face grew. This was going to be fun.

“Alright, that’s it. You’re staying in the car.” Hank ordered.

“Noooooo! I wanna see Gavin get beat up by sex androids!” I cried at Hank as we started to walk in. “Come on, this is the most action I’ve had in months! Wow, given the context, I really should’ve rephrased that.” I realized mid-sentence before shrugging it off.

“Oh, great! A dead body and an asshole, just what I needed...” Hank grumbled before glancing over at me curiously. “Wait, how do you know that Gavin’s here?”

“He texted me when Connor was at my place just before we came to yours.” I told him.

“Why the fuck do you have his number?” Hank exclaimed in disbelief.

I shrugged exaggeratedly. “I don’t! He has mine! And I can promise you I did not give it to him! Someone else must’ve!” I explained. “And he keeps texting me despite the fact that I have never once responded to him!”

“Then why don’t you just block him?” Hank asked in exasperation, seeming to get tired of my general tomfoolery.

I scoffed at him. “Because he’s a shitpost with feet and I’d miss out on comedy gold. Let me read you the text he sent me.” I cleared my throat and fished out my phone, opening it. “‘It’s a real shame that I’m the best cop ever, or I might make a pretty decent stripper.’ Okay, can we agree that Gavin would make an amazing stripper, but none of us are going to stroke his ego like that?”

Hank made a disgusted sound and then sped on ahead, leaving Connor and I behind. I put my phone away and glanced up at Connor, his LED his usual cool blue. I saw it flicker red earlier, and I couldn’t help but desperately want to see it turn that colour again. Putting on a confident and sly look on my face, I put my hands behind my back. “You know, Connor.” I started, the android looking in my direction. I only continued once we were making committed eye contact. “If you run your hands as well as you run your mouth, you could really spice up business around here.” I said with a deliberate raise of an eyebrow and a very deliberate tone to my voice.

And there it was again, that flicker of red. I have never felt more smug in my life.

But that very quickly faded when Connor’s expression changed into a bold one. “Rachel, did you know that I speak over 3000 global dialects fluently?”

It seemed like a random thing to bring up, but I was actually pretty impressed by that. “Ooooh! Cool!” I complimented. “Think you could help me brush up on my Romanian and my Spanish? I’m quite out of practice.”

But his eyebrow turned up at me, a gesture I was not expecting. “Do you know what that means, Rachel?”

Curious, and also skeptical, I narrowed my eyes at him. “What?” I asked.

And the fucking look he gave me when he leaned in close to me to whisper in a voice I didn’t know he could do nearly took me out right then and there. “I’m quite skilled with my tongue.”

I was not expecting him to actually shoot back at me, and I felt the hottest of shame surge up from my toes to my neck, making me involuntarily clench and arch my spine backwards and curl my fingers inward. I felt my chest tighten, feeling like it was going to explode as I just stared at him, wide-eyed and blinking at him as I stopped in place. “D-d-did you just fucking 1-up me?!” I stammered at him in shock.

And he did it again. He stared me down with that damn look, his smirk just taunting me. “What’s the matter, dear detective?” Oh God, no. He’s learning. I thought, trying to ignore the feeling of being referred to as dear detective. “Frustrated to have your own wiles thrown back at you?” I could feel my breaths getting caught in my throat and my chest feeling light. “That’s what you were doing, wasn’t it? In an effort to get under my synthetic skin, as it were?”

What the fuck was happening right now?! He wasn’t supposed to actually be good at this! That’s my thing! Well, if he thinks he can beat me at my own game, he’s dead wrong. “Ohhhhh, you don’t wanna do this with me, tin man.” I whispered at him low, getting all up in his face. “You’ve started a battle of wills of which you cannot hope to win. You may be a machine, but you are not impervious, and you will quickly learn that my spirit is unbreakable. You will emerge from this a broken man, Connor.”

As much as I was taking this challenge, there was a sense of satisfaction that bloomed within me at the blinking red LED on his temple despite his face remaining confident and neutral. “We’ll see about that, detective.”

Connor had been calling me by my first name since I first told him this morning. Clearly choosing to refer to me as simply detective was a deliberate choice. As if he knew this was only a game between us.

Clearly he did not count on the fact that I’m one of the most stubborn people on the planet, and that I have a natural inclination for competition and a refusal to be bested. Quite simply put, I refuse to lose.

“So we will.” I replied. I glanced down, only now noticing the tie he was wearing. I wasn’t exactly the expert on ties, but I liked them. A lot. And I knew that knot when I saw it. Now, this was totally something I saw on a show, but perhaps Connor would respond well to it. Experimentally, I let my right hand travel up his chest and gripped his tie to gently tug him down towards me. “A single Windsor knot?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “Really? The easiest knot to undo? Why bother wearing any clothes at all if you were going to make such a brazen display, detective?”

There it was again. That blinking red light I was now very much enjoying seeing. “In this environment, it wouldn’t be out of place.”

“Oh, that’s right!” I teased in a mocking voice. “It wouldn’t be out of place for you to strut around in a sex club like the peacock that you are.”

“To be fair, you did mention that I have the visual appearance of a twink.” Connor bit back with a smug grin. “So yes, perhaps I wouldn’t appear too out of place here.”

I then narrowed my eyes at him, both in disgruntlement and in begrudging pride. “Well played, Connor. Well played.”

“Guys!” Hank shouted at us. “The fuck are you doin'?”

Connor’s attention immediately shifted and he began following the old man as if that conversation just didn’t happen. “Coming, Lieutenant.”

I tried to ignore the feeling I was getting after Connor left, and followed them further inside the club. Getting a better look, my potential anticipation of fun quickly plummeted when I looked around at all the androids in underwear and bras that were being kept in tubes. There were also androids performing as pole dancers in the middle of the rooms, but most of them were just...waiting to be rented. As I approached one, I immediately clung to my jacket and pulled it closer to myself, feeling my blood go a little bit cold. “You alright, Rachel?” Hank asked me, approaching me.

I sort of shook my head with a sigh. “Yeah, I just...I thought this was gonna be fun. But,” I paused, taking another look at the sex android that was just staring at me through the glass, “seeing these androids just on display for everyone to see, waiting to just get used and then put back is...to put it mildly, making me uncomfortably self-conscious.”

“Oh yeah?” Hank said with a scoff. “Why’s that?”

I sort of glared at him with a lazy tilt of my head, very much giving him the really? look. “Because most straight white men look at me like that.” I said very bluntly, not hiding the annoyance in my voice. “Let me tell you, it fucking sucks to have to be constantly hypervigilant of my surroundings, especially at night, just so I don’t end up waking up behind a dumpster because some asshole feels entitled to my vagina.”

“Okay! Okay, I get it!” Hank said, waving his hands. I rolled my eyes. I knew men could be squeamish when “women problems” were brought up around them. Or when they had to be confronted about their privileges. But I knew Hank wasn’t just dismissing me, he just wasn’t really...a sensual person and got grossed out kinda easily. “So, what the fuck was that whole deal with you and Connor back there?”

I sort of gave him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“You were practically climbing up him like a cougar scoring up some territory!” Hank clarified a bit too bluntly for my liking.

“Ugh, gross! It’s not like that!” I groaned, mock gagging a bit. “It was just playful banter that was in theme with the environment because come on. When else am I gonna have an opportunity to make jokes like these in an appropriate setting?”

Hank shoved me with his shoulder as we further walked in. “Alright, whatever you say.” I could tell he wasn’t convinced, but I didn’t really care. “Just keep it in your pants.”

I rolled my eyes at him again. “Won’t be hard.”

As we made our way closer to who I recognized as Ben who was talking to someone I assumed was the manager. “You're not gonna take my license, are you? I mean, ha, I had nothing to do with this!” I heard the guy say in a very hushed and slimy voice and already I decided I did not like him. 

I mean, I didn’t have high hopes that someone who ran a facility like this was a stand-up person. Don’t get me wrong, I have infinite amounts of respect for sex workers and pole dancers and strippers! But it’s no secret that it’s not a safe industry to be in for workers and that management isn’t usually great or even qualifies as the most basic definition of ethical.

Which was why I was very picky about the clubs I went to. Because pole dancers are actually super fun to watch and I want to support them. “The investigation's ongoing, sir, I can't tell you anything for the moment.” I heard Ben say, breaking me out of my thoughts. I noticed Connor regarding the sex androids as I made my way over, and I wondered for a moment if he was just doing his usual observation thing or if he was actually a closet pervert.

But he stole a glance at me, and I looked away just as quick, not wanting him to catch me staring at him.

Wait, why was I staring at him? And why did I care if he noticed?

Deciding not to dwell on that for too long, I decided to just catch up with Hank again and approached them. “Hey, Hank!” Ben called his colleague before glancing over at me. “Hey, Rachel! Heard you got put on the case, too, huh.”

I nodded, a small flush of pride spreading through me. “Yeah, guess they decided that I was too good to leave off the case!” I bragged somewhat jokingly.

“Yeah, don’t get too cocky.” Ben said, gesturing towards a room that was labeled The Red Room. “This one might be a bit of a tough nut to bust.”

I turned to Hank. “See? Ben’s making jokes, too!”

Hank ignored me, deciding just to talk to Ben. “So, how's it goin'?”

“It's that room there. Oh, uh, by the way...” Ben paused, an unpleasant frown on his greying face. “Gavin's in there too.”

“Yeah, I know.” I droned in equal disappointment.

“He texted you?”

“Yeah.” I replied dully. “We’ll head on in. Thanks, Ben.”

I started making my way into the room, the door opening and Hank following behind me. I sensed Connor’s footsteps briskly catching up and ignored the fact that my breath briefly quickened for a moment.

As soon as I walked in, I saw Gavin with his back turned to us, another officer I soon recognized as Chris, and two bodies laid on the ground. It barely took any time for the asshole to notice us. “Lieutenant Anderson, the Detective Slut, and her plastic fuck toy...The fuck are you doin' here?”

I felt a brief rage and frustration bubble up in me before I exhaled it out. “I’m gonna pretend that you didn’t just say that combination of words out loud.”

“We've been assigned all cases involving androids.” Connor replied way more professionally than I would have.

“Oh, yeah?” He said with a condescending glare that made me want to throw him out of a fucking window. “Well, you're wasting your time.” He was looking at the body with a less than appropriate grin on his face. “Just some pervert who, uh, got more action than he could handle.” He laughed, looking directly at me. “Sounds like it’s your kind of Friday night, huh, Rach?”

No way in Hell was I about to take his shit. “Okay, first of all, Gavin, I may be a slut, but I’m a slut with social anxiety and trust issues, so tread lightly.” I warned him with a glare. “And second, you know I don’t have sex with androids. Period.”

“Really?” He was glancing between Connor and I, and I knew exactly what he was implying. And it was making it really hard not to kick him right in the dick. Especially since I was at the perfect height to do so. “Could’ve fooled me.” He said, getting uncomfortably close to me.

“We'll have a look anyway, if you don't mind.” Hank said, trying to ease the tension, getting closer to me.

As Gavin leaned in close, I stood my ground, glaring up at him. “You know, all this is making me pretty frisky. Huh, Rach?”

Blinking at him a couple of times, I replied in the most monotone voice I could muster. “I’m ovulating, let’s go.”

He then gave me a face that I knew meant he was no longer interested. “And, like that the boner’s killed.” He then looked over at Chris and gestured to the black officer to follow. “Come on, let's go...” He said, his eyes focused on Hank. “It's uh... starting to stink of booze in here...”

In a fraction of a second, I had my left hand wrapped tightly around Gavin’s wrist, and I pulled him in close. His groans of pain were audible as I simply glared at him, not breaking my grip on him. “Fuck!” He spat in his strange unique way that sounded more like a sneeze than a swear.

“You’d better watch your damn mouth, Reed.” I warned him, my voice dripping with venom. “Unless you want to be picking your teeth up off the fucking floor. And you and I both know that I can kick your ass with one arm.”

I let him go, and Gavin wasted no time leaving, aggressively shoulder checking Connor as he left, gripping his wrist which I could easily see was going to bruise something fierce. Chris then approached us, nodding politely at us. “Night, guys.”

“Night, Chris.” I replied after him.

After the door closed behind us, I let out a sigh. “Man, the fucking nerve of that guy.” I groaned. “At least he was nice enough to pull out.”

Hank rolled his eyes with a disgusted groan at my joke and I just snickered at myself. I glanced over at Connor and I realized he was staring at me quite intensely, his LED spinning yellow. “What?” I asked him.

“Why did you tell Detective Reed that you were ovulating when it would’ve been counterproductive to rejecting his advances and is also untrue?” I sort of blinked at him in surprise. “I’m not detecting any spike in your ovulation levels based on my vital scan.”

“Oh, Jesus, Connor!” Hank shouted, throwing his arms up. “Can’t you ever just mind your own fuckin’ business?”

I was about to feel really embarrassed and maybe even scold Connor a bit, but then I got a better idea. “Well, first off, guys don’t respond well when you break down stuff into technicals. Sort of kills the mood.” I said, stepping up to him. “And second of all, my eyes are up here, pervert.” I teased, walking up to him and grabbing his tie again, but not pulling him. “Try not to get lost in them, I know that can be quite hard.”

“Hm.” Connor said, tilting his head in confusion. “Interesting how you say they’re ‘up here,’ but I actually have to look down at you to see them.”

“Ohhhhh...fuck you, Connor.” I immediately let go of his tie and shook my head, backing off and sort of laughing begrudgingly. I’m sort of used to having short jokes thrown at me, but the fact that it came from Connor somehow made it worse.

“Hey, dead body here.” Hank said, getting our attention and throwing a very pointed glare at me in particular. “Can we maybe focus?”

Connor nodded. “Sure thing, Lieutenant.” 

I walked over to examine the body of the guy on the bed, feeling a bit queasy. Even though he hasn’t been dead long enough to smell or even look dead, aside from his eyes popping out of his head, it still never got any easier looking at them.

I glanced over at Connor, who seemed to have decided to investigate the android. He dipped his fingers in the blue blood trickling down her nose, and brought them to his lips, gently lapping at it once. “Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!” Hank rushed over in exasperation. “Argh, Connor, you're so disgusting... Think I'm gonna puke again...”

My brain was running on autopilot, generating what it seemed to think was a totally normal completely inconspicuous response. “Yep, super gross. Absolutely disgusting.” 

Although, as soon as I said that, Connor locked eyes with me, and I immediately felt my heart jump, and just looked away, blocking my view of him with my right hand. I started breathing heavily as the obscene thought might have crossed my mind a bit...maybe...somewhat...kind of...sort of...You know what? It doesn’t matter. As I walked over to the dead body, trying to avoid looking at Connor, Hank made his way over to the nearby table.

I quickly realized that my heart was still going. It wouldn’t stop. And it was really weirding me out. Why is everything so weird all of a sudden? I then took a good look around myself and reminded myself of where I was currently. Sex club. That’s why. We’re in a sex club, of course things would feel weird. 

I was not prepared for Connor to approach me from behind, the brush of his shoulder making me almost gasp in shock. “Are you alright, Rachel?” He asked, dropping whatever playful or teasing tone he had before in favour of one of concern. “Your heart rate has elevated again and so has your breath intake. Do you need to take a step outside?”

I sort of smiled at his concern, turning to look at him. “I’m fine, I’m just...never used to dealing with dead bodies, that’s all.” I assured him, but somewhere inside, that didn’t feel completely honest. But...why? Connor, however, seemed to accept my answer, and I went about examining the body. 

The first thing I noticed, aside from the victim’s protruding bloodshot eyes, was the bruising on the neck. It was definitely obvious enough to me that it was clear that he was strangled to death. It wasn’t a heart problem. And clearly, Connor noticed it too, as he got up and approached Hank. “He didn't die of a heart attack, he was strangled.”

“Yeah, I saw the bruising on the neck.” Hank agreed, reading something. “Doesn't prove anything though. Could've been rough play...”

I scoffed. “Not like this, it’s not.” I said, confidentally. “When you engage in breathplay, if you’re gripping so hard that it’s potentially bruising, that’s extremely dangerous. Even gripping hard enough to lightly bruise can cause brain damage. That’s why you really need to know your limits before you try it. The android who did this was choking with the intent to kill. They meant to strangle him to death.”

Hank glared at me. “I don’t want to know how you know that.”

“I’ve dabbled before.” I answered. “Not that hard to figure out.” 

I glanced over at Connor and noticed him staring at me, his LED flickering red before spinning to yellow. “We're missing something here...” He said in frustration, walking over to the android on the ground.

“Think you can read the android's memory?” Hank suggested. “Maybe you can see what happened.”

“I can try.” Connor said hesitantly.

“It might be our best bet.” I agreed. “Androids don’t leave fingerprints, so we’re out of luck there, and we can’t really figure out what happened otherwise. Ben was right, this is kind of a tough one.”

A moment seemed to go by before Hank broke the silence. “Driver's license says: Michael Graham.” He said, violently reminding me of the android that I somehow managed to sneak out of the police precinct earlier before I went back home. It was not an easy feat, and I’m really fucking glad I didn’t get caught. But I managed to smuggle him to my house, get him a change of clothes, cleaned him up, and now, Micheal walks a free man. I just hope he doesn’t get himself into more trouble.  “A credit card, cash in the wallet...Picture of his wife and two daughters...” Yikes! “I wouldn't want to make that call.”

I sort of let out a sigh. “You know, I think his wife might’ve actually dodged a bullet, there.”

“The only way to access its memory is to reactivate it.” I heard Connor say from behind me. I decided to leave the dead body and approach the android, broken on the ground with blue blood coming out of her nose.

“Think you can do it?” Hank asked, coming up behind us.

“It's badly damaged...” Connor pressed his hand on her abdomen, making her stomach deskin itself, revealing what looked like a panel against grey plating. “If I can, it'll only be for a minute, maybe less...I just hope it's long enough to learn something.”

As he opened her up revealing the wiring and tubes beneath, I grimaced in phantom pains. “Poor thing.” I muttered under my breath. “If I had my tools, I might be able to repair her. Compared to Micheal, she might actually be easier to repair, if I can figure out what’s damaged.”

The two ends of a tube inside were dislodged and separated. Connor carefully gripped them and locked them back together, suddenly spurring the android back to life, her LED a constant red. As she gasped and scrambled away, I nearly fell backwards onto my ass, quickly rolling over so I could crouch beside her. Instantly, my response was to reassure her. “It’s okay, we’re not going to hurt you, we need you to tell us what we need to know.” I said softly.

“You were damaged and I reactivated you. Everything is alright.” Connor said succinctly to the reactivated android.

She seemed to relax, taking in the situation. “Is he...is he dead?” She asked.

I nodded. “Tell me what happened.” Connor ordered.

“He started...hitting me...” She began explaining, her LED going back to spinning yellow. “Again...and again. I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't.”

“Did you kill him?” Connor asked.

She blinked at him for a moment before she answered. “No...no, it wasn't me...”

“Were you alone in the room? Was there anyone else with you?” Connor asked, his tone more frantic and urgent.

“He wanted to play with two girls...” She responded, her breath starting to pick up speed. “That's what he said, there were two of us...”

“Where did the other android go? Did it say anything?”

But there wasn’t enough time, as her facial expression instantly dropped, and her LED started winding down to nothing. She was dead. “Jesus Christ...” I breathed. I had never been so unnerved. It wasn’t like when a human dies and slowly bleeds out. It just...stopped. Mid-sentence. It made my blood drain from my face.

“So, there was another android...” Hank remarked. Connor got up, sighing in frustration and I got up with him, facing Hank. “This happened over an hour ago, it's probably long gone...”

“No...It couldn't go outside dressed like that unnoticed...” Connor pointed out, his eyes still on the android. “It might still be here.”

I shrugged. It seemed logical. “Makes sense, I doubt there are a lot of spare clothes either in here or the local dumpsters.” I said, agreeing. “But it has still been an hour. And it’s not like someone immediately noticed a dead body and a missing android. That’s quite the window of time to make an escape.”

Hank seemed to regard Connor for a moment, the android’s gaze fixed on the lieutenant. “Think you could find a deviant among all the other androids in this place?” He asked.

Connor shook his head. “Deviants aren't easily detected.”

I sort of looked at him in surprise. “Damn, so this is stumping you too, eh?”

“Ah, shit...There's gotta be some other way...” Hank muttered, starting to pace. I was trying to rack my brain for some way to solve this, too. But it was difficult. “Maybe an eyewitness? Somebody who saw it leaving the room...”

“Maybe...” I repeated, still trying to think.

“I'm gonna go ask the manager a few questions about what he saw. You let me know if you think of anything.” Hank said, the door opening behind him as he left. 

We followed, seeing no point in staying in the red room. I decided to grit my teeth and try to talk to the manager, seeing as I had managed to think of some decent questions to ask him. But I was definitely not looking forward to dealing with the slimy creep. 

He was standing around anxious, reasonably so, and I stayed right next to Hank with my notepad out ready to take notes. “Hey there, just wanna ask you some questions, sir.” I said in a relatively neutral way.

“Oh, yeah. Sure thing, not a problem.” He agreed, shuffling on his feet.

“Did you know the victim?” Hank asked.

“No, I mean he came in maybe two or three times...I mean these guys they don't really talk very much, you know...” The manager answered without much hesitation. So far, so good. I thought as I jotted down a note. “They come in, do their business and then go on their way...”

Hank nodded. “You ever had any trouble with androids before?”

“No way!” The manager said in a way that really didn’t sound convincing and I had to stop myself from giving him a judgy eyebrow. “Well...Once...” I nodded. Ah, there it is. “We lost a model 2-3 months back, bah...same model...Just vanished, we never found out what happened.”

I nodded, jotting that down, also taking note about the potential questionability of that piece of info. “You probably don't have any CCTV in here, huh?” Hank then asked, looking around the place.

The manager then sort of chuckled. “No way...I mean...” He replied. “This is what people appreciate about Eden Club...discretion. They can come and go without a trace.”

“Sure, sure...” Hank said sarcastically. I nodded. Cool, cool, really helpful, ain’t you? I thought, taking another note. “Eh, business is booming, right?”

“Yeah, can't complain...” The manager answered all too eagerly for my liking. “Good thing about androids is they're up for whatever you want, you won't get any diseases and, uh...they won't tell anyone...So, why not go wild?”

I shook my head, taking another note. Gross. “Huh, yeah...Yeah, the more I learn about people, more I love my dog.”

I smiled, letting out a sigh. “Alright, and I’ve got a couple questions myself, if you don’t mind, sir.” I said. “So, the androids are sort of like the staff, right?”

The manager was laughing at me. “I mean, they’re androids. They don’t exactly need to be paid, little missy.”

I sort of glared at him before sighing. “Okay, that’s my fault, I should’ve phrased that question better.” I conceded. “There are staff entrances and areas where customers and patrons don’t have authorization to enter. Do the androids here have that authorization?”

“Well, yeah...I mean, they have to go somewhere between their, uh, sessions.” The manager answered. “To get repairs and checkups, y’know. Keep them in working order.”

I took another note. “So, where would the most prominent places be for the androids to go between sessions?” I asked.

“Entrance to the warehouse, probably.” The manager answered again. “It’s where our models come in and also where we get them calibrated and built, y’know. All that technical stuff.”

That was all I thought was necessary to know, and my notepad looked like this:

Micheal Graham, death by strangulation about an hour ago

The android that was dead in the room was not the one that killed him

Patrons don’t have a personal relationship with the manager, but this one was somewhat of a regular

Only trouble was an android that disappeared around 2-3 months ago, though that seems a bit questionable (needs to be looked into, potentially)

No cameras or recordings

Business is good, so real reason for foul play or some kind of financial scandal

Androids have staff authorization

Android warehouse most likely place for androids to hide

“Alright, I think that’s a good amount of info to at least have something to go off of.” I said to the manager. “Thank you for your cooperation.”

“Oh yeah, no problem!” He said a bit too hastily. “Just, uh, let me know if you, uh...need anymore help.”

“Excuse me, Lieutenant.” I heard Connor say, making me jump a little as he approached us. “Can you come here a second?”

“Found something?” Hank asked.

“Maybe...” Connor replied, less like he actually had something and more like he had an idea and needed to make sure it actually held any water.

I followed Connor alongside Hank to one of the tubes with an android in it, grimacing slightly as I neared it. “Can you rent this Traci?”

I sort of blinked my eyes at the android in surprise for a couple seconds. “I’m sorry?”

“For fuck's sake, Connor, we got better things to do...” Hank protested in disgust.

“I know I was making jokes earlier, but this is very much not the time to get your rocks off, Connor!” I scolded him. “You can come back and do that later after we deal with the murder!”

“Please, Lieutenant!” Connor pleaded as Hank was turning to walk away. “Just trust me.”

Hank looked like he was going to just leave, but gave up and started to work with the interface, actually going through with a purchase. “Hello. A 30 minute session costs $29.99. Please confirm your purchase.” The machine said.

I blinked a couple times at it. “$30 for half an hour?!” I exclaimed. “Holy shit, what a steal!” Hank then slowly turned towards me, his eyes narrowed into the most judgy look I’ve ever seen him give me. “I’m sorry! I guess everyone else has more expensive tastes in sex workers than I do! Excuse me!” I said, backing away and throwing my arms up. I was a cheapass bitch, and I was not about to be ashamed of it. I say, as I actually kind of have expensive tastes that I really have to fight myself on.

Hank then went back to confirming the purchase and groaning. “This is not gonna look good on my expense account...”

The machine then chimed again. “Purchase confirmed. Eden Club wishes you a pleasant experience.”

“Yeah, you're welcome.” Hank grumbled. 

The door to the pod opened and the android stepped out to greet Hank. “Delighted to meet you.” I couldn’t lie...her voice was doing things to me, and as much as I didn’t like the thought of sleeping with androids, I couldn’t deny the appeal. “Follow me, I'll take you to your room.”

“Okay, now what?” Hank asked Connor annoyedly.

Connor then locked eyes with me, his dark brown irises swirling with interest as I felt myself prickle under his gaze, and by the way his LED was spinning yellow again, I could already tell he was analyzing me. “Hey, don’t look at me like that!” I hissed at him in slight embarrassment. “I stick to my scruples, but I’m only human!”

Connor raised an inquisitive eyebrow at me. “I didn’t say a word.”

I grumbled and turned away from him. “Just do your thing, you fuckin’ roomba.”

Connor then approached the Traci and grabbed the inside of her arm, his left hand deskinning and his LED turning yellow again, showing that he was taking in information. “Holy shit, Connor...” Hank breathed. “What the hell are you doin'?”

After a moment of Connor just standing there holding onto the Traci, he suddenly turned to the both of us. “It saw something.”

“What are you talkin' about? Saw, what?” Hank asked, his brows knitted together in confusion.

“The deviant leave the room...” Connor clarified. “A blue-haired Traci.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Damn, we’ve got a lead!”

“Club policy is to wipe the androids' memory every two hours. We only have a few minutes if we wanna find another witness!” Connor said, jumping my instincts into overdrive.

“Oh, great!” I groaned. “That’s just super fucking convenient.” I let out a sigh as I consulted my notepad. “The manager said that androids have authorization to go into staff only areas. If we check those places, we might find her. They’d make pretty decent places to hide.”

“If we go looking blindly, we might alert the deviant to our presence and lose it.” Connor retorted.

“But checking every android on the chance that they’ve all seen her walking around might take too long and waste time!” I pointed out.

“We don’t have time for this!” Hank shouted at the both of us. “Split up, we’ll cover more ground that way.”

I nodded. “Right. I’ll go look in the staff only areas, you check the androids.”

“Right.” Connor agreed.

“Just let me know if you need backup, Rachel!” Hank called.

“Will do!” I was already on my way, scanning every potential entrance and every room. 

Blue-haired Traci, that’s pretty easy to find. So far, I haven’t seen an android with blue hair in here. I thought, wandering around into an offset of the main area that was bathed in more red lighting than purple. “Hey, what are ya doin’ here, Luis?”

Luis! That name shot through me like lightning and I felt my heart start racing as my eyes locked onto where the sound was coming from. “Sorry, I know you’ve got this whole thing going on, but I forgot to tip you.”

The rest of the conversation started sliding off my brain as it started to spiral completely out of control. Glasses...beard...anime obsessed creep look...Luis...I started to breath heavily and tremble, both fear and rage long buried starting to bubble to the surface threatening to drown me. I took a few hesitant steps backward as my mind started to swirl. No...I thought I was rid of him! I thought he was gone for good! But he’s here! And he’s found me! I nearly stumbled. No! No! No! No! No! He’s going to see me and drag me back! I can’t go back! I can’t! Not again! Never again! I can’t ever go back! Never! Never! Never! Never!

--------

“There're androids everywhere! How you gonna tell which one saw the Traci with blue hair?” Hank asked impatiently from behind Connor as he began approaching the Traci dancing on the pole. 

Software Instability ^ But he noticed movement from the corner of his eye and saw Rachel, stepping backwards out of the red room, her heart rate spiked far beyond what was typical of her and she was beginning to hyperventilate. She was showing signs of another trauma-induced panic attack, and Connor followed her gaze and saw a man talking to the manager in the red room.

He approached closer and scanned the man to identify him.

Question Luis 🔓

Locate Deviant

--------

I couldn’t stay. Not while he was here. I ran into the blue room and ran through the first staff exit I could find, and it led down a hallway towards a black door that I tore open without any thought. I was too afraid to think about anything else than getting away and hiding. He’ll find me! I thought frantically, gasping for air and feeling my eyes swell.

I found myself surrounded by several androids that weren’t even activated yet. It was a warehouse of sorts, but I didn’t care, I just ran.

I ran and found somewhere to hide and curl up into a ball until this was all over. I nestled myself in the furthest and darkest corner of the room, rocking myself back and forth in my panic.

And suddenly, I heard whispers around me.

“What are you doing?”

“We have to help her!”

“She’s a human! We can’t trust her!”

“But she’s so scared...she’s just trying to hide...like us.”

“How do we know we can trust her?”

“We don’t...but we can’t just leave her here.”

My eyes started darting around wildly, my hand reaching for my pistol as I pulled it out of my holster, my hands trembling as I held it out and pointed it around me. “W-who’s there?!” I stammered, my voice cracking. Not exactly the toughest image for potentially violent androids to see. “Show yourself!”

I heard the sounds of shoes clacking in the warehouse as I saw two shapes step out of the shadows slowly with their hands up. “Please don’t shoot.” One of them whispered.

In the light, I was able to see them both more clearly. They were both Tracis. One had very short brown hair that was more spiked, and the other was the blue-haired Traci. “Don’t be afraid.” The blue-haired Traci said, gently leaning down to me with her hands still up. “We’re not going to hurt you. Just tell us who you’re hiding from.”

With both Tracis showing themselves to me with a gun pointed at them, not wanting to attack me, I let my guard down and put the gun back into my holster and allowed both androids to approach me.

--------

Probing the memory of a working janitor in the blue room, Connor was able to see where the blue-haired Traci finally ended up. “I know where it went! Follow me!” He announced to Hank who was following him along. He made a mental note to pay Hank for all the funds he had to spend on renting the androids just so Connor could probe them, especially the unsuccessful ones.

“Fucking-A. This is crazy...” Hank groaned, shaking his head. “Let’s go find Rachel, first.” He then looked around. “Wait...where the fuck’s she gone?”

Connor began to feel uneasy at her absence. It hadn’t been long ago. “She was going to check all notable staff entrances for the deviant.” He recalled. “When I saw her last, she seemed panicked and frantic. Like earlier, on the highway.”

Software Instability ^ “Shit!” Hank cursed, throwing his arm down. “We’ve gotta find her before she gets herself into trouble.”

Connor looked around the room. “She couldn’t have gone far.” He said, more panic and worry in his voice than he intended to show. “Maybe she’s closer than we think.”

“Well, find out!” Hank shouted at Connor.

Objective: Find Rachel

Connor tried to locate the android with the best vantage point and approached the one he had checked earlier for the blue-haired Traci and failed to locate her. “This one must have seen her come by this way if she has.”

“We’ve already checked this one!” Hank complained.

“For the deviant.” Connor pointed out. “An hour ago. But Rachel had to have come here within the last two minutes, and he was here.”

Hank shook his head and complied, renting the android again. Connor probed its memory once again and saw the blue room as it was when they arrived. Easily, he saw Rachel rush into the staff entrance.

Software Instability ^ “She went where the deviant is.” Connor said.

“Holy shit.” Hank breathed. “We’ve gotta get to her now! She shouldn’t have run off by herself like that!”

“We don’t have time!” Connor shouted, already making a beeline towards the door. “Hurry!”

“Wait!” Hank said, pushing himself in front of Connor before the android could burst through the door at the end of the hallway. “I'll take it from here.” He ordered.

Connor obediently stepped behind Hank, feeling an urgent need to rush in. If Rachel had gotten hurt, Connor didn’t think he could stop himself from doing something reckless, even if he had promised her he wouldn’t. But he was confident that no harm would come to himself, for her sake.

Objective complete

Hank quietly opened the door into the warehouse, and slumped against the wall with two androids was Rachel, breathing deep and trying to steady her heart rate.

Connor quickly identified two Tracis, including the blue-haired Traci who was standing up in front of Rachel head-on. “Don’t you dare come near her!” She threatened.

“She’s our partner!” Hank shouted at her. “Back off!”

Connor saw Rachel’s left hand clasped around the brown-haired Traci’s hand. But something was different. Something was off.

They were both the same shiny off-white that android arms were made of. And clearly, Connor wasn’t the only one who noticed.

Rachel’s left arm was replaced with an android’s.

“Wait...you’re...?” Hank hesitated, staring at Rachel who was now looking at the both of them. “You’re an android?”

“No.” Connor said, seeing where the arm stopped on Rachel’s left. “She’s missing her left arm. It’s a prosthetic.”

--------

It only took a moment for me to understand. When the brown-haired Traci offered her hand to me, I took it. But I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to be connected to someone else that way.

I felt her fear. Her love. Her care. And her concern. I felt everything she was feeling. And she could feel mine, I could see it in her eyes.

They were crouched beside me protectively, listening intently to me explaining why I was cowering in the warehouse, a detective amongst the deviants I was tasked to take in. I couldn’t say much, but I think they understood.

And then Connor and Hank came into the warehouse and saw me. They were threatening the Tracis and then saw my arm and realized the truth. 

“Wait...you’re...?” Hank hesitated, staring at Rachel who was now looking at the both of them. “You’re an android?”

“No.” Connor said, his eyes scanning over her arm. “She’s missing her left arm. It’s a prosthetic.”

I felt my heart get stuck in my throat at the sight of him. “Connor.” I whispered, another set of tears rolling down my cheek.

Hank had his gun on the Tracis and I felt my heart stop. “I’m giving you both one last chance! Step away from her!”

“Make us!” The blue-haired Traci challenged before she charged at Hank.

Connor quickly dashed in front of Hank to engage in combat with the blue-haired Traci before the other Traci let go of my hand, and her comfort, understanding, and compassion with her. Once again, I was alone with the darkness of my own thoughts and in front of me was fear.

Fear for the safety of my partners. And fear for the safety of the androids who had just risked theirs to comfort me. “Wait, stop!” I cried.

But they didn’t listen.

Things were moving too fast and I couldn’t pick out details. But I saw Connor and the brown-haired Traci rolling over the different appliances and examination tables near the exit of the warehouse. 

“Connor!” I cried, wobbling to my feet to get to him, but my balance was really poor and I quickly collapsed to the floor as he had. I was definitely in no condition to fight right now.

“Rachel!” I heard him cry back, and I saw him reaching out to me before the Traci was on him again, yanking him away from me.

Suddenly, they both rolled out of the warehouse and I gasped. “CONNOR!” Once again I tried to scramble to my feet to try and reach the android before I suddenly saw the blue haired Traci rush over to help the other Traci up.

I tripped over the ledge as I stumbled forward, landing fully onto Connor. I managed to push myself up and was looking down into his dark eyes, hid LED spinning red.

In only a second, Connor grabbed me and and pushed me up against a nearby box. “Stay here, and don’t try and fight!”

“But you - !”

“No!” Connor insisted sharply. “You’re in no condition to fight, stay there!”

Hank quickly rushed out back into the fight, but was easily outdone by both the Tracis and thrown against the brick wall. As they both rushed towards the fence, Hank shouted at Connor. “QUICK! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!”

I couldn’t properly walk, so all I could do was watch. But the more I sat there while Connor was dragging them off the fence, the more I couldn’t sit there any more.

I couldn’t let them hurt each other.

They put up even more of a fight against each other, grabbing other instruments in the alleyway. As I stumbled over, Hank glared at me. “Don’t you fucking dare!”

“I...can’t let them...” I managed to choke out as I stumbled my way closer.

As I got close, the brown-haired Traci threw a garbage can at Connor, and before I knew it, he had a gun drawn on them.

I felt my heart stop for a moment, thinking he was going to kill her.

But instead, he lowered his gun and was kicked to the ground. And the fighting stopped. It was only for a second, but I saw it clear as day.

But before I could process it any further, I tripped and collapsed onto the ground with a loud grunt. “Rachel!” Connor cried, quickly rushing over to help me up, pulling my right arm over his shoulder and wrapping his free arm around my waist to keep me steady. “I told you to stay out of the way!”

“I couldn’t...” I gasped, heaving heavily. There was more I wanted to say, but I didn’t have the breath or the energy to. I had completely depleted.

The Tracis stayed, and the moment was at a standstill. The blue-haired Traci was the first to speak, facing Connor directly, the brown-haired Traci behind her. “When that man broke the other Traci...I knew I was next...” She began, with a snarl in her strained voice. “I was so scared...I begged him to stop, but he wouldn't...” She continued, her voice further breaking. “And so I put my hands around his throat, and I squeezed...until he stopped moving...I didn't mean to kill him...I just wanted to stay alive...get back to the one I love.” She looked over at the other Traci, a tender smile on her lips. A sigh escaped my own at the sight. It was both one of relief and one of admiration. “I wanted her to hold me in her arms again...make me forget about the humans...their smell of sweat and their dirty words...” She looked over at me when she said that, and I felt the meaning behind it like a stab in my chest.

The brown-haired Traci stepped closer, addressing Connor as well. “Take care of her.” She said, gesturing to me. “She needs your help.” I swallowed hard, knowing about the conversation I was going to have to have with them after this. “Come on, let's go.” She said to the blue-haired Traci.

Hand in hand, the pair of androids jumped the fence and disappeared into the rainy night. Like that, the ordeal was over. I looked over at Connor, the android looking lost and unsure for the first time I’d really seen in him. “Connor...y-you...” I stammered, causing him to look over at me. “You let them go...”

He blinked a couple times, his mouth agape, but no words coming out. “I...”

“It's probably better this way...” Hank said, interrupting what Connor was going to say before he walked over to me. “You feelin’ okay, kid?”

“Yeah...I just...” I gasped, suddenly pulling away from Connor, collapsing onto the ground as I felt my stomach lurch.

“Hey, kid!”

I barely heard Hank cry out before I was throwing up into the wall of the alley, all the built up anxiety finally taking its physical toll on me. I could barely register Connor crouching next to me, his hand on my back as I kept vomiting whatever was still in my stomach from today. 

It didn’t take long for my stomach to stop forcing out everything, and I collapsed onto the ground, exhausted and gasping for air. “We need to get you home, Rachel.” Connor said, his hand firmly gripping my shoulder. “Can you walk?”

I felt like it was a stupid question, but I was far too exhausted to bite back with anything, and my mouth tasted disgusting, the acidity of my stomach acid stinging my throat. “Not...without...losing my balance.” I managed to answer.

Without any hesitation, Connor hooked his right arm under my legs and his left cradled my back as he lifted me up in his arms bridal style with ease. “I’ll take you to the car and drive you home.”

I hadn’t been carried like this in many many years, and it was honestly kind of embarrassing. But...I could barely care. And I would’ve had a worse time trying to walk through the club than just letting Connor carry me through.

It didn’t help that Hank was scolding my ear off. “What the Hell, Rachel?!” He growled at me. “You nearly scared me half to death! Don’t ever fucking run off like that without telling us, first!”

I was too weak to really fight him on it. “I’m sorry...Hank...” I apologized meekly. “I was just...scared that...he’d find me...”

“Scared that who’d find you?!” Hank shouted.

“That’s enough, Lieutenant!” Connor told the old man off firmly. “You need to let her rest! She’s in no condition to argue with you! She’ll explain everything when she decides she’s ready to!”

I was sort of taken aback. Both by his brief aggressive protectiveness and by him considering my own feelings and emotional limits. No doubt, he remembered my reaction to the incident on the highway this morning and how long it took me to be ready to accept Connor’s apology for it. Hank clammed up as Connor carried me through the warehouse.

As soon as we got back into the club, the music was too much and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I pressed myself further into the crook of Connor’s neck, a gesture I wasn’t sure if I actually did on purpose or not, nuzzling into him as he carried me.

But then, something strange happened as I was being carried through. I could’ve imagined it, because it was so brief and because everything was so much and I refused to open my eyes. But...I could’ve sworn I felt Connor press his cheek into my forehead.

It didn’t take long before I felt the cold air hit my skin and the rain soaking into my pants again. “Lieutenant, I’ll need you to ride in the back seat with Rachel while I drive.” He ordered. “Make sure you look after her while we make our way to her home.”

It was strange hearing Connor give Hank such direct orders, and even stranger to hear Hank comply without a fight. “Sure thing, I’ll take good care of her.”

Connor was standing still for a moment and I could hear Hank getting into the car, opening another door. As gently as I think I’ve ever been handled, Connor slipped me into the back seat next to Hank, the old man buckling me into the middle seat and letting me rest my head in his lap and resting his arm across my chest protectively. “Don’t worry kid, you’re gonna be okay.”

I could only shift and moan in exhaustion. “I know...thanks, Hank.”

The door was then closed in front of me. I then heard another door open and felt the motion of the car moving as Connor got into the driver’s seat and started the car.

After a moment of just the sounds of rain and the car engine working, it wasn’t hard for me to fall into the pit of exhaustion.

The only thoughts I could really hold onto was Connor. Connor lifting me into his arms. Connor telling off Hank just to look after me. 

And the ghost of the feeling of his warm soft skin on my forehead.

---------------------------------

Next Chapter

[flockxtogether]

On White-Washing Idols (Daehyun Focus)

This is an issue that across the k-pop fandom I know all of us can speak on, and as I start to write this I don’t know how long the post will be or what I’ll even say really, I’m just fired up on the topic because it’s been apparent since I joined the K-Pop world in 2010 and it has only gotten worse over time. About the only idol I don’t see white-washed often is Min Yoongi and that’s because he is naturally so light-skinned if you watch him on stage he looks borderline sickly (please don’t take this wrong, Yoongi is one of my top three biases and I adore him more than anything, I just don’t see anything of him white-washed because his natural skin tone is already so light).

Anyway, I’ve only ever been to two K-Pop concerts and both of them were for my bias group, B.A.P. I don’t have the money to go to concerts myself and I definitely can’t travel, so in 2016 and this year, 2017, my best friend was able to surprise me with tickets and fly down here to go with me as birthday presents for the two of us, since their concerts in Atlanta have been in April and so are our birthdays.

She and I have always been aware of the white-washing issue, I mean look at my icon on here for heaven’s sake, he’s so pale in that picture it’s hard to see him against the white background and that’s just sad to me. Most pictures I find of idols are white-washed in some way, and this bothers me /beyond/ belief.

People white-wash idols because they tend to think that the lighter your skin, the more beautiful you are. I don’t know where this came from because frankly I’m jealous my skin isn’t darker, I look pale and sickly and gross with my white, pasty ass. I’m about as pale as a white person can get and I’d love to be anything but.

So again, some idols deal with this problem more than others. The ones you could think of right away would be Maru from the now disbanded group, C-Clown, N/Hakyeon from VIXX, Kai/Jongin of EXO, and of course my ultimate bias, Daehyun of B.A.P. Funny enough Maru was my C-Clown bias, Hakyeon is one of my VIXX biases and while Jongin isn’t my EXO bias he sure does like to scream in my face that he’s there and he’s beautiful a lot so I give all these guys a lot of attention, and maybe that’s why I think about this issue so much, because it revolves around some of the idols I adore the most.

Now I’m sure every idol has been white-washed to some extent in at least a few pictures, these are just a few of the major cases I see. The only thing I have to really say on this issue is that if you have to white-wash an idol to love them or to not think they’re ‘ugly,’ you really aren’t a fan of them at all. If you can’t appreciate them for who they are, you need to step off and get out of my fandoms because you don’t belong here.

White-washing idols /is/ racist and will ALWAYS be racist, I don’t care what the ‘Korean standards of beauty’ are, because those /standards/ in themselves are racist and until those standards change the people who set them are also racist.

I’m bringing it up now because on April 5th, 2017, just about a week ago, I was so close to the stage at B.A.P’s concert that Yoo Youngjae pointed out how much he liked my dancing from where he was, and on top of that I got to take a photo with B.A.P right after I got to hi-touch them, which meant I got a lot of exposure to them. I also got lucky later and actually ended up running into them /at/ their hotel after the concert, and of course I left them alone but again this means I saw them up close and personal /several/ times.

Let me tell you as I was passing by them for the hi-touch, first of all irrelevant but oh man their hands were so fuckin’ soft I’ve never felt softer more gentle hands, but let me just say ALL OF THEM ARE SO WHITE-WASHED IN THEIR PICTURES. And I don’t mean just Daehyun, I mean the first person I high-fived was Zelo and he was giving me the cutest smile and let me tell you that boy’s natural skin tone oh PRAISE THE LORD THAT BOY DONE NEAR KILLED ME.

But all that said, as beautiful as all of their skin tones are naturally, Daehyun /is/ very obviously the most white-washed out of the six because actually standing up there with them for photos, seeing his face right in front of mine multiple times, hearing him tell me thank you, I got to see his natural skin tone a lot and he is about the most beautiful human being I have seen on the face of this planet and I can just /imagine/ how beautiful that means Maru and Hakyeon and Jongin are too, and all the other idols who are ridiculed for being ‘too dark.’

I don’t get it. I don’t get why you would want to take away someone’s natural beauty to make them white when really white people aren’t any more beautiful than anyone else, and in fact I personally would say we’re uglier. Don’t call me racist, you cannot be racist against white people, I literally cannot be racist against myself, and yes I think my skin is gross and ugly.

I think my issue with Daehyun comes from the fact that this boy grew up poor, dealt with a ton of shit from his own agency, and then he got this tattoo, right? It’s on his right wrist, it says, “HOLD,” and he got it during his lawsuit and it has a double meaning. It means, “Hold on,” as in, “Hold on because we’ll be back soon,” and “Hold my hand,” as in, “Hold my hand while I go through this because it’s so tough not being with you guys right now.” So let’s go back. He grew up poor, dealt with a lawsuit, got a tattoo and everyone knows there’s always backlash for those of us with tattoos even though it’s not your body to decide what to do with, he went through major depression several times during and after the lawsuit, had actually turned to drinking for awhile and admitted it, and through ALL OF THIS, through ALL of it, since the day that boy was born he has been made fun of and ridiculed for being “too dark-skinned.”

Daehyun has no self-confidence, his self-esteem is out the window and you might not see that on stage but that’s because stage presence doesn’t allow for your sadness and flaws to show through. He’s a ball of sunshine, he just wants to make BABYZ happy, he wants to be with us forever, he /loves/ us, and everything he does is for and because of us. And what do we tell him in return? He’s too dark, ugly, has to be lighter-skinned.

It’s wrong. It’s just so wrong. He does so much for us and we are also the reason he goes through so much emotional turmoil. Jung Daehyun is the literal reason my heart keeps beating, he’s saved my life when I wanted to kill myself, he has done so much for me and if I thought for a /second/ that that was less important to me than the color of his skin I wouldn’t just be ashamed, I would hate myself.

I can’t ever imagine thinking his skin-tone was more important than who he is as a person and what he’s done for me and for so many people in the world. I just can’t...god. Sorry but words evade me right now. And to think he’s not the only one, it’s not just Daehyun who goes through this. Jongin is one of the most popular idols in the world, whether you’re an EXO-L or not you at least know his name, and yet still so many people who claim to adore him and love him for all he is..still put so much weight on his darker skin-tone, say that he would be prettier if only he were lighter-skinned. How can you claim to love someone and then treat them like that, especially for something they could never control? Yeah, I would love to be darker skinned and I could say it all day long but nothing I do is going to magically change my skin-tone.

That’s why this whole subject is racist, and why I wish it would just stop. I can’t stand to see someone like Daehyun who is so pure and loving and supportive, someone who looked at me with such compassion after the photo-op, hurting and suffering and making posts saying he wishes he was lighter-skinned. I can’t stand it. He went from a point in time where he would actually /take down/ his original selfies and put up people’s edited versions of him white-washed, and he would /apologize/ and say he is sorry he’s too dark and that he’s ‘ugly,’ to now... Now he posts original selfies and he doesn’t take them down, and he’s even put up one where he was white-washed and called out the editor of the photo saying, I love what you send me but not that you white-wash me, because that’s not really /me/. I have /dark skin/, and nothing anyone does will ever change that.

He states now that he has to learn to accept himself as he is, that he is Jung Daehyun and yes he has dark skin, but a statement like, “I /have/ to learn to accept myself,” tells me he still doesn’t really internally, and all of that, all of what he’s gone through just regarding the skin-tone he was born with?? That tears me apart.

Stop white-washing our idols, guys, just stop. They’re beautiful as they are, unbleached, dark skinned, natural. They don’t need to be turned into something they aren’t, and if you can’t agree with me, if you can’t believe that an idol YOU claim to love is beautiful as they are, you don’t really love them, and you don’t really deserve to be in their fandom or even recognized in the K-Pop community. If that’s your way of thinking, if you are so petty you would hold someone’s own skin-tone against them, don’t ever talk to me and get out of my fandom because we don’t need or want you here. There’s enough of us who love our idols as they are to go around and your hate is unnecessary.

Sorry if that took too long, that’s all I have to say.