#every night i go to bed my brain n body start screamin at me to go back go back go back | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kindacreepy-kindaugly · 8 months ago

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I really don't know if I'm strong enough

I know lettin him do the shit he does just makes me worse n that effects everyone

I don't know if the system even has a way to keep me away from him if it's not a choice I make n I just can't force myself to make that decision

I tried but it scares me so fucking much I'm just. Frozen.

I'm sorry I really really am. I hate that the things I do effect others. I also know apologizing doesn't mean shit n at some point it becomes just another burden. I don't know how to do anything different.

#every night i go to bed my brain n body start screamin at me to go back go back go back #the only things i actively hate about myself are things he actively engourages n makes worse but #the only thing that makes me feel good about myself is knowin he wants me again #i know i'm just an object to him but at least i'm one he wants to own #i only ever managed to even start rebuilding myself n my life cause he got bored of me #it was never my decision not really #n if the system just takes that choice away from me n keeps me from him by force i. idk if i could get through that #i think i'd legitimately become a danger to the body #i try to imagine it n i just see myself clawin at his door screamin cryin beggin to be let back in #i can't fucking do it #i don't have any other coping skills. except substance abuse. which would escalate so much it'd also be a more immediate threat #i already need to dope myself up semi regularly just to have some relief w/o him #it's fucking pathetic i know #it's. a literal addiction isn't it? however the hell that works #they say no one ever stays clean til they've hit rock bottom #i guess i'm not there yet #i hope anyone of you that maybe read this shit know that you don't have to. i'm just venting #cause i can imagine it gets heavy to see me self-destruct like this. i try not to show it much irl but. yea #spdrvent

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