#every hormone test is like Fine. but fucking something is happening lol

[blackmoldmp3]

like a day after walking around w no patch i become ravenous, emotionally unstable, and insurmountable fatigued at a moments notice and it’s like WHAT is going on in there

[lexirosewrites]

Have we ever played around with A!Steve getting injected with something during S3 that bitches him and turns him into an omega? i vaguely remember the idea but i dunno if it was a fic or if it was someone during slick sunday lol

I love the idea though, especially if it doesnt take effect immediately, like it has to be triggered by a heat/rut. So when Steve's rut, which happens every 4 months or so, starts to ramp up, he's smacked into an omega presentation. Blood and all due to his bodys anatomy shifting.

The goons at the lab are contacted by B!Robin because Steve calls her in an absolute panic. They run tests, Steve is perfectly healthy based on the tests, as is Robin. They assume (correctly) that something was in the russian serums they were shot with. Robin of course questions things, and they tell her it must need an extreme hormone trigger. Her being a beta means she doesnt have ruts/heats so it wont trigger a change in her.

Steve decides to just roll with the punches again, he does panic, obviously. if his parents fine out he's fucked. He starts hording money in a shoe box. He wears scent blockers in his house but not out just in case his parents return home at random. Aside from his ruts becoming heats and having to embarrassingly buy some toys with knots a few cities over, nothing has changed much and he realizes one day when the party and Robin are teasing him about being such a mom, that he actually Can be a mom and has to excuse himself to freak out. He gets over it pretty damn quickly though too and is excited for that aspect.

If s4 happens and turns into O!Steve absolutely drooling a bit over A!Eddie and his scent, and muttering to Robin how much he wants him, well, who are we to deny a happy ending where Eddie lives, but is definitely beat up, just to get kissed stupid by Steve when he finally wakes because Steve was scared shitless.

We’ve definitely tossed around the idea of Steve getting bitched with Russian serums here and there. It never gets old! Why not add another layer of suffering for him that inadvertently gets him what he really needs in life?🤭

[queencryo]

I’m gonna liveblog my ccapstone final presentation and you’re all going to have to deal with it ^_^

ASPODFIASPODFIAPOSDFIAPOIVZJX PROF IS DOING A DESCRIPTION OF THE TEAMS WE ALL INHERITED FROM

THE ONLY GOOD THING SHE HAS TO SAY ABOUT THE ONE WE INHERITED IS THAT THEY WERE REALLY PERSERVERING. I’M LOVING THIS. THEY TRIED SO HARD BUT GODDAMN.

liHoly shit the glove group’s demo looks SO much better than their previous one. Full swag! full swag! And putting up a dude with TWO future tech cool gloves is always a huge coolthing to do during your presentation you know? That slaps hard.

Hope our presentation goes well, really badly hope it does... Man I hope they don’t shit on our putting so much time into internal testing for the presentation? That testing is what saved our project (ie: what made our prof finally start being on our side on things)

Holy shit I forgot that the glove group fucking. used pressure-to-conductance sensors then did tests with a cooking scale to convert their voltages to gram-force (which is what “hand specialists” use I guess????)

I’m fucking gargling, glove team had a team member in thailand so they did a lot of work at 830 PM or 830 AM. (*Ignores that we did a huge amount of work between the hours of 9PM and 6AM*). oh my GOD the guy in austin just.. left his computer on and the thailand one teamviewer’d into his PC to program stuff...

THEY FRIED AN ARDUINO. AND HAD TO SAW THROUGH IT BECAUSE UNSOLDERING WAS TOO HARD. ***AND THEY ACTUALLY PUT THIS INTO THEIR FUCKING PRESENTATION***. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I FRIED A RASPBERRY PI BUT YOU DON’T SEE ME PUTTING THAT SHIT INTO OUR PRESENTATION

also dude y’all know the budget of $200 was what the university would give us right? you know you were supposed to get under $50 for the project itself right? right?

Glove group is getting some hard questions. Not insurmountable, but not easy. Hopefully I can figure out anything they ask!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA also i am out of adderall so we’ll SEE how this goes :)

Next up is uhhhh I think one of the survivor guys? The phone guys? I’m tryna be p vague but yeah

holy SHIT survivor guy demo was. so bad. so bad. the audio sounded terrible, the splitscreen videos weren’t synced up quite right. oh my god. I don’t want to be mean but I’m just. literally I was cringing. jeez. Bad audio.

The rest of the presentation isn’t as bad, except that oh dude I can see part of your windows background? and your taskbar? AND YOUR TASKBAR IN A COUPLE OF FRAMES ELSEWHERE???? it just. this doesn’t feel like they put effort into it.

They do all look crisp with their white button-ups though. our team decided on black t-shirts, because we’re all fools.

WHY IS YOUR ENTIRE PRESENTATION NOT FULLSCREEN. DUDE DID YOU ONLY DO ONE TAKE ON THIS SHIT?

I feel like their presentation genuinely looks worse than their prafctice presentation. jesus. FULL SECOND BLANK BLACK SCREEN DURING SECTION TRANSITION

im bored so im now zoning out and talking to my friends on pisscord~

I’m also... unmedicated lol. im ouuttttttttt

oh! I asked some porn lady on twitter where she gets her hormones since I’m about to graduate out of access to the uni clinic i get em from now, so imma look into that at some point :) some kinda. anime-themed hrt distribution thing.

Which is weird but hey. I figure... if they’re putting effort into theming, they probably aren’t putting out cocaine-laced trash ya know?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER GETTING DISCORD NOTIFICATIONS WHILE THEY’RE ANSWERING INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL QUESTIONS

literally chatting with my friends and manically laughing in hte moments up to my final presentation. this is just like my high school graduation.

Alright we’re UP babes. my video is ON and our recorded presentation is UP on my teammate’s (and perhaps... *friend’s*............) sccreen (that was a joke) (but yeah the presentation is up we’ere just waiting to GO baby!)

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Aaaand muting our presentation during the parts I talked in... I like her fine I just don’t want to listen to her...

The industry guys look perplexed but idk if th oh GOD why is the video stuttering... I hope that’s on my side not on anyone else’s...

aaaaaaaa I hope they don’t ask us anything TOO hard. they’re probably going to ask why we used the sensor we did, but beyond that I really have no idea.

okay im paying attention again. I think our presentation is a LITTLE on the sexual side. I can’t be sure but... :smirk: Wish I had a friend who talked as much as me. Ah man you know what I miss? Watching movies with Al or Morgan. never hung w ppl who talked during movie theatres as much as them and me :) It was really good times!

God our mobile application UI is OS fucking sexy. holy fucking shit. God our guy on that did such an amazing job. There’s even animations when things are happening? It’s SOOOO good.

Now is the internal testing section of the presentation. Kinda show off that “hey mang our sensor just sucks DICK.” it’s super narrow and it HATES detecting black things. ... holy fuk I hope the choppy video is on myyyy siiiiiide... .. eh, I guess chopy video is kind of survivable. Not exactly our fault or something we could possibly predict, you know?

DISCORD

THIS IS A TRASHBIN FOR ALL MY WORDS SO THAT I DON’T TALK OR SAY SOMETHING STUPID WHERE IMPORTANT PEOPLE COULD SEE IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

at least the audio isn’t usually choppy during the parts of the presentation that aren’t videos? so that’s awesome :)

We did solve the problem of our faces getting in the way of the presentation

NOOOOOOO MY NAME ISN’T MARROW NOOOOOOOOOOO

ASDFASODPFAISPDFOI SHOWIN OFF THE PREVIOUS TEAM’S SHIT. PUTTING THEM ON FUCKING BLAST. FUCK Y’ALL. tho i did have the realization last night. you know what... if I passed with that shit I put in for 462, you know what... they can pass with what they did for this course. neither was good. <_<

ah fuck I’m talking again I gotta mute THAT SHIT (if it’s not clear, we pre-recorded our presentations and are now just... showing that, in da meeting).

hell yeah man hell yeah man

I think if they ask about our sensor choice I’ll say we got a $20 sensor beccause we had a budget of $50 for the final system. which. we SHOULD’VE then said “ohka ylet’s not use LiDAR.” but we didn’t, so here we are! I... think maybe part of this is my fault. Maybe a pair of microwave sensors was the way to go after all.

OH FUCK THE PRESENTATION IS OVER TIME FOR QUESTIONS.

They asked about the environmental concerns, and why we mentioned 3-d printing for the chassis when we didn’t actually do any such printing. both directed to me. we didn’t do any enviro conerns, and we didn’t end up 3-d printing because we couldn’t get it working so we just went with wood the whole way through.

Of course, we have a question about messaging between cones, because hey i mean that’s the most interesting part of our project, from a design standpoint. it is. it is. it is.

AY THEY SHOUTED OUT OUR ZOOM BACKGROUND FUCK YESSS

AY WHOOP AY WHOOP AY WHOOP THEY DIDN'T ASK SHIT ABOUT OUR PRESENTATION (i ASSUME BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUCKING FLAWLESS AND AMAZING THAT THEY HAD NO QUESTIONS AT FUCKING ALL BABY) 

THEY LITERALLY ASKED 4 QUESTIONS, ABOUT ENVIRO CONCERNS, CHASSIS, MESSAGING, AND SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DATABASE

GOD THIS IS SO GOOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

goddamn. survivor guy group 2 is going SO MUCH BETTER than the last one. opened on a description of the project, with the arm slowly opening to reveal their little screen with a heart on it... that’s SO good bro.

This presentation is so much better than the last one. Oh my god this is so good bro. Y’all did so awesome. I’m in lvoe with you. LOVE THIS SHIT

lmao oh yeah our CPM critical path went from 30 days to like 79 days. partially cuz 30 of our days were spent waiting for parts...

SURVIVOR GUY SHOWING OFF THEIR ABILITY TO PLAY VIDEO WITH A CLIP FROM THE OFFICE. DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH THEM (I DONT LIKE THE OFFIE BUT THAT’S WAY MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE OTHER SURVIVOR GUY TEAM’S EXAMPLE OF THE SCHOOL FIGHT SONG YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

really really great presentation. I went into their pisscord and made sure to tell zem i loved their presentation.

AW DUDE I LOVE MY SISTER SO MUCH. NOT RELATED. JUST LOOKING AT MY DMS AND SAW HER NAME.

I don’t really care about group 5. i just don’t care! I’m. my part is done. I’m free, mostly. I’m god now....

yeah i haven’t paid attention to much on group five. just can’t be assed!

bluh i have a shitton of history homework due tonight... gotta do an interview and like 5 fuckin writing assessments. Really dropped every ball available ya know?

PROF SAID “THIS IS THE BEST I’VE EVER SEEN GROUPS DO” IDK IF THAT’S TRUE BUT HELLLLLLLLLL YEAH I FEEL FANTASTIC

Prof says yall did great, woulda done great under normal circumstances and that you did so good under these is amazing.

:)

Something about making an abstract or something...? Student research week or something.

goddamn. finality. we did it folks. holy sh8it. last meeting ofthis class. kind of... the last meeting of my college career, if everything goes as planned? so that’s. weird.

hhhh okay i can’t let Finality Anxiety get to me I still have shit to do. don’t let it set in!!!!!!!!!

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 3

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Sorry I always post at night! I usually take the day to type and then release it at night. Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does. You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there is any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

Warnings! pregnancy.

Part 1, Part 2

Word Count: 1.9k

For the past week, you’ve been trying to figure out ways of telling the vlog squad that you’re pregnant… Would it be easier just to tell everyone at one or do one/two people at a time? UGH WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT. You have to tell them asap because you’ll be able to know the gender in a month and you want them to be there. You decide to do something different for every couple of people in the squad but before you do, it’s time for your first ultrasound!

The last time you got this done, you were 9-10 weeks pregnant, so you were LATE finding out you were pregnant. You wanted to find the best doctor you can find and luckily, Kylie set you up with the same one she had. You brought Stass and Kylie to the appointment because they begged you. Doctor: *walks in* Hey y/n how are you feeling? Y/n: I don’t feel as sick anymore but I’ve been feeling really full lately. I didn’t think my stomach would pop out so early. I was thinking maybe it’s because I’m a small and short? Doctor: ‘maybe. Layback and let me take a look” she put the cold jelly on your stomach and starts looking around with the doppler. She finds the baby and you see it wiggling around. Kylie & Stass: “You’re giving us major baby fever rn.” The doctor turns on the heart monitor and you hear a strong heart beat. To you, it sounds normal, but to the doctor, she hears something else. She moves the doppler some more and she sees something. Doctor: “umm miss, how thorough was the ultrasound you had in the ER?” Y/n: “I don’t know, they had a lot of people and they did it a little quick? Why do you ask?” She moves the doppler to what she saw and you see another blob appear. Doctor: “if they would’ve been more thorough and taken time, they would’ve told you that you’re having twins. You, Kylie & Stass: “TWINS???!?!?!!!” Doctor: “Yes. It seemed to be that baby B was hiding behind baby A.” None of you had words. You were having twins… TWO KIDS. You felt like you were having the biggest fever dream of your life but you knew this was real. You already told your family you were pregnant but know you gotta tell them that you’re having TWO? Oh hell no. Doctor: “do you want picture?” Y/n: “uhhhh, sure?” You all walked out of the appointment speechless. Kylie: “well that happened.”

*A few days later*

I took you a couple of days to process that you’re eating for 3. You wanted to do something simple cause you didnt wanna stress yourself out anymore than you already are.

David, Jason & Josh:

(Remember when Erin pranked David and Josh that she was pregnant but it was really an ovarian cyst? It’s gonna be set up like that.)

You asked them to come with you and film in your tesla so you can film a car mukbang. You had the pregnancy test with the old ultrasound picture with only one baby in the glove compartment and you had the one that shows the twins in your pocket. Y/n: *filming a mukbang* “Hey guys! I have David, Josh and Jason here with me, say hi.”  All three of them: “Hi!!!” Y/n: “Since I had no other ideas this week, my last resort was this. So have fun watching us stuff our faces with food.” You drove to Chick-Fil-A, in n out and jack in the box. Once you got everything, You parked in a parking lot, but before you start, you asked David to get you some “napkins” that were in your glove compartment and you saw his eyes go wide. David: “Shut the fuck up.” Jason and Josh are in the backseat all confused and David shows them. Jason: “No you’re not.” You’re just sitting there all nervous/ laughing and all you can say is “yes I am.” David is crying cause he loves babies, Jason & Josh are congratulating you. David: “Who’s the dad?” Y/n: “He’s not in the picture.” They all look at you with sad eyes. Jason: “we’ll be here to help with everything at anytime.” Your hormonal ass is getting the best of you and you try to hold back the tears. Y/n: “oh! One more thing. That was the first ultrasound from 3-4 weeks ago, this one was from a couple of days ago” They all see the two blobs. All three boys: “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU’RE HAVING TWINS?.” David: “Can I plan the gender reveal party?? Y/N: “Sorry, Kylie already called dibs.” David: “You told Kylie before us? Wow that’s cold.” Y/n: “Oh shut up. She was my only friend my age that has a baby. I had to get advice.” David: “ To make it up to me, If one of them is a boy, can you please name it David Jr.” Y/n: “Yes…. for 250k.” Jason: “Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past him… cause it would probably be sponsored by seatgeek.” David: *looks to the camera* “You heard it yourself people. If she has a boy, she’ll name it David Jr. for 250k. “ Y/n: “Damn now I’m kinda scared”

NEXT DAY, Corinna & Mariah:

Okay so that went well, I gonna do a 2 truths, 1 lie with Corinna & Mariah. They’re gonna be playing on the same team, so it’s 2 against 1, well 2 against 3 lol. After about 3 rounds, it was a tie (I lied on other ones so we can tie.) Y/N: “Okay so my first one is that I broke my leg when I was 15, 2. I hate Corinna’s dog and 3. I’m pregnant. Mariah: “Oh what the fuck….. Ummm.” Corinna: “Wait, you hate Carl?!” Y/n: “Just answer the question.” Mariah & Corinna: “The lie has to be that you’re pregnant.” Y/n: “the lie is that I hate Carl.” It took them a minute to understand what I said. Mariah: ‘YOU’RE FUCKING PREGNANT.” Corinna: “OH MY GOD NO WAAAY.” Y/n: “Oh and one more thing! “Shows them the twin ultrasound.” Mariah & Corinna: ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING.” Corinna: “Are they Jeff’s?” Y/n: “Is it that obvious?” Mariah: “Kind of. The boys haven’t noticed because they’re idiots.”

NEXT DAY: Kristen, Scotty, Todd, Zane, Heath & Matt:

(I made this a big collab cause I was running out of ways to tell people)

So for this reveal, I asked the six of them to send in their silly baby/kid pictures so we can react to them. The last pic will be of the twin ultrasound. Y/n: *filming* “Hey guys! I’m here with Kristen, Scotty, Todd, Zane, Heath & Matt, say hi.” All 6 of them: “Hi!!!” Y/n: “This week, we’ll be reacting to our childhood photos and maybe roast them.” All of the pictures were so 90s. Kristen with the classic ruffled poofy dresses, Matt looking like a nerdy kid, Zane holding Hidaya when she was born, 7 year old Scotty singing into a hair brush…. And then the final picture, my twin ultrasound. Everybody was so confused. Zane: “Did someone eat their twin in the womb? cause aint none of us a twin.” And then someone finally noticed. Matt: “Y/n why is your name at the corner of that ultrasound?” Kristen: “NO YOU’RE NOT.” Heath: “OOOO BITCH SHE GONNA HAVE 2 LITTLE COFFEE BEANS.” Scotty and Todd are just speechless. You’re wondering if Todd knew about you and Jeff because he’s his best friend…

You pulled aside Kristen and told her Everything. The only people you can trust with who the dad is are the girls. Kristen: “Are you gonna tell him?” Y/n: “No… He doesn’t treat me right. If he’s never treated me right, how is he gonna treat these babies?”

Todd & Jeff on a hike:

Todd: “Hey, did you hear that Y/n is pregnant?” Jeff: “whoa no I didn’t. Who told you that?” Todd: “y/n did. She revealed it in a collab she was doing with others. She’s having twins.” Jeff: “Jesus Christ, twins? That’s gonna be terrible.” Todd: “She must’ve forgot to tell you. Maybe pregnancy brain really is a thing.” Jeff’s thoughts: “I knew that bitch was sleeping with other people. There’s no way those babies are mine. She had no right trying to get mad at me cause I’d ghost her. Thank god I’m with Natalie. She’s like no one I’ve ever dated before.”

Hanging out with Kylie & Stass:

I told all of the vlog squad. Stass: “Did you tell Jeff?” Y/n: “No, but Olivia told me that Todd told him. I think Jeff is too dumb to connect the dots. He won’t figure it out.” Kylie: “Are you sure you don’t want to tell him? You’re having twins and one baby is already a lot but two? You need the help. You know what, I can hire nannies for you.” Y/n: “What? No, you don’t have to do that. I don’t wanna spend your money.” Kylie: “It’s not like I’m running out. You do remember that I’m a billionaire, right?” Stass & Y/n: “How could we forget lol.”

David, Jason & Josh POV

David: “It sucks that y/n is gonna be a single mom. It’s gonna be a lot; 2 babies and she’s in her last year of college. I hope she’ll be okay.” Jason: “She’ll be fine. She has all of us to look out for her.” Josh: “I have my own kid to watch, so I’ll probably not be as much help.” David: “She has been one of the best friends I’ve ever had. We met on vine in 2015, we met up here in LA and then the rest was history. She was really there for me when Liza and I broke up. She was my shoulder to cry on. Honestly, I’d do anything for her.” Jason: “Do you have a thing for y/n?” David stayed silent. Josh: “I’m not sure if it’d be the right time to try to win her over. She has a lot going on.” David: “It’s getting pretty late, y’all should be heading home. Jason: “Yeah. I have to pick up Charlie and Wyatt early tomorrow. Josh: “The wife doesn’t like that I stay out late, goodnight.”

David thinking to himself:

I’ve had a thing for y/n for a while now but I don’t know. It’s obvious that she had a thing with Jeff. Because of those 2 fights they had in my backyard, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeff was the father. I was mad at how Jeff spoke about her. She not like that at all! I mean, it’s not wrong if she were but no one should ever talk to a women like that. I’ll help her as much as possible; I’m not opposed if anything were to spark between us along the way…

Back to Y/n, Kylie & Stass:

Kylie: “When’s your next appointment?” Y/n: “2-3 weeks, why?” Kylie: “Cause by that time, WE CAN FIND OUT THE GENDER OF THE BABIES!” Stass: “She’s obviously gonna go all out. Did you see Stormi’s first birthday? I swear it looked bigger than a sweet 16.” Y/n: “Oh boy… or girl…”

------------------------

We get to find out the genders in the next chapter!! She’ll be like 16 weeks by then… I’m excited! I’ve already decided what both are gonna be… There’s gonna be some surprises! Oh and David has a thing for y/n? Ooooo girl the Tea is HOT. I also just realized the date of the video I picked when y/n and Jeff diddled (yes I said diddled).... The date on the video says 7/20…. That means the twins are due 4/20……. I swear I didn’t plan that lmao.

Taglist: @elvlogsquad @siemprestan @zavidzobrik @1-800-juniper @iminlovewithenchilidadas @ilsolee

[easypeasybreezy]

Browsing the Archive

Ch 7- And They Were Roommates

Words- 2211

Rating- M

Summary- Sam and Gabriel share a dorm room in college, and Gabriel has a surprise planned for his roommate.

Tags/Warnings- college AU, language, uh Gabe is in a band lol

Today’s prompt was Roommates/Neighbors. I went with roommates. Beta read by the amazing @warlockwriter 

Read on Ao3 here ~

@sabrielevents

***

When Gabriel woke up this time, the first thing he noticed was that his grace was gone again. So much for Chuck feeling sorry for him. The second thing was that he felt, different. Not because of his grace, but something else that he couldn’t quite figure out. Then he saw his surroundings. He was in a small twin bed, with a desk at the foot of it and a set of drawers on the wall across from him. Behind him was a window that let in a bit of the morning light. On the other side of the room Sam was just waking up, his furniture set up the same way. At least they were back together this time.

Sam sat up in his bed yawning and Gabriel got a better look at him. “Aww Sammy,” he said, turning to face him. “You look just like you did the day we met.”

Sam looked confused for a moment, but then his mouth dropped open when he saw Gabriel. “Oh my god Gabe.”

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” asked Gabriel frantically. Was there something wrong with him?

“You- you’re freaking adorable!” Sam exclaimed, his eyes wide. He jumped out of his bed and rushed to Gabriel.

“Huh?” Sam had started pinching his cheeks, a look of delight on his face.

“Look in the mirror,” he laughed, releasing Gabriel.

He slowly stood up from the bed and walked to the mirror that was hanging on the wall. When he saw his reflection he gasped, reaching a hand up to run across his face. That couldn’t be possible- he was younger!

“This doesn’t make any sense! I don’t even have a real body, I made it,” Gabriel said. As far as he knew, Loki didn’t age either, he just always looked the same.

“Well, we couldn’t be in a college dorm room if we looked like we were in our thirties or forties,” he said, getting up to stand next to Gabriel. “I think I’m about nineteen or twenty, so you must be the same.”

“We’re in college?” he said, looking up at Sam. “Hmm, maybe that won’t be so bad, we can go to a couple of parties.”

Sam chuckled. “I don’t know, I wasn’t really the partying type,” he said, then look of horror came across his face. “Oh shit!”

“What is it?”

“I have a test!” he exclaimed, running back to his bed and grabbing a backpack.

“How do you know?” asked Gabriel as he watched Sam throw stuff inside the bag. They weren’t actually college students, they didn't have a class schedule to follow.

“I just do, okay! I gotta go, I’m gonna be late,” answered Sam, and he ran out of the room, still in his sleeping clothes.

Gabriel watched him leave in disbelief, then shrugged and climbed back into bed. If he had a class to go to, he could care less about it. It was too early in the morning to be up anyway. He fell back into a light sleep.

A little over an hour later, Gabriel woke up to a slightly sweaty and exhausted looking Sam entering the room.

“I gotta take a shower, got all gross running to the test,” he said, throwing his backpack down on the bed.

“Mmm-k,” yawned Gabriel, and rolled over in the bed. He heard Sam leave the room but couldn’t fall back asleep. Apparently he had reached his sleeping limit. Gabriel sat up, rubbing his eyes, then heard a buzzing noise coming from his desk. He crawled across the bed to reach the desk where he saw he had got a text on his phone. Oh, this was interesting- the message was from Dean. Gabriel sent a quick text back, then decided to do some research on this world.

Sam returned from his shower a few minutes later, and Gabriel looked up from his phone and froze. His wet hair framed his face perfectly, and all he wore was a towel wrapped around his waist, showing off those defined abs. Gabriel couldn’t take his eyes off of him.

Sam reached in a drawer to get his clothes, then turned to Gabriel. “Have you moved at all today?”

Gabriel quickly averted his eyes. “Uh, of course I have! What, you’d think I’d lay in bed all day?” he answered, a blush crawling up his face.

Sam raised an eyebrow at him, then broke out into a huge grin. “Are you shy, Gabe?”

Gabriel threw his arms up with a frustrated 'ugh'. “The longer this keeps happening, the easier it is to slip into whatever part we’re supposed to playing!” he shouted, then pointed a finger at Sam. “Look at you! You just ran off to take a test for no reason!”

“You have a point,” Sam sighed, then he grinned. ‘I’ll change in the bathroom then so you don’t have to worry about your hormones.”

“Shut up,” Gabriel groaned, falling back on his bed. Sam laughed as he went to change.

Twenty minutes later, Gabriel found himself sitting inside a dining hall with Sam for lunch. Sam had made a trip to the salad bar and returned with an impressive mound of greens on his plate, while Gabriel had opted for the dessert section. He chose a couple slices of cake along with multiple cookies for his meal.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Gabriel said in between bites of cookie. “I’m in a band.”

“Really? How’d you figure that out?” Sam asked, curious.

“I got a text message from this world’s Dean while you were in the shower, reminding me to show up for practice before our gig tonight. Dean’s the lead singer and guitarist.”

“That’s interesting,” Sam commented, stabbing at his salad. “What do you play?”

“I play bass,” he said, then at seeing Sam’s raised eyebrows continued, “Chicks love bass players!”

Sam snorted. “Sure.”

“That’s not all though. The drummer? It’s Crowley. And Charlie plays the keyboard.” Gabriel knew Crowley- they had crossed paths a couple of times, but that was it. They were more acquaintances than anything. And Charlie he had only briefly seen in the apocalypse world- he had never met their Charlie. Band practice would be interesting.

“Ok, that’s weird,” Sam frowned. “Also, can you even play bass?”

“What do you take me for Sam? Of course I can! There’s not an instrument out there I can’t play,” Gabriel answered with his mouth full of cake.

“Of course,” said Sam, eyeing Gabriel’s mouth disapprovingly. He then looked down at his phone. “I gotta go to my afternoon classes soon.”

“Why are you going to class?” Gabriel asked, waving his fork around. “We’ll only be here for one day.”

“Why are you going to band practice?” he shot back.

“Touché. See you at the show tonight?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Sam replied with a grin, then left the table, taking his empty salad plate with him.

Gabriel finished his lunch, then decided to go back to the dorm room. He told Sam that he could play bass, but he wanted to make sure he still had the skill. When he got to the room, he found the bass guitar and a small amplifier under his bed. Plugging it in, he gave a few experimental plucks on the string, then went straight into a bass line. It came to him easier than he thought it would. Tonight would be no problem. He messed around a bit, playing a few songs, until it was time to meet with the rest of the band.

They met at Crowley's apartment, and managed to practice one song before quitting to play videogames and drink beer. Gabriel found that he really enjoyed their company. This Dean was a lot like his Dean, only younger and less tired. Charlie was bright and funny, and Gabriel would have to seek her out if they got back to their world. And Crowley, he was quiet, but would chime in one a bit of sarcastic humor every once in a while that would get everyone rolling.

Partway through practice, Gabriel’s phone rang. “Hello, Sam,” he answered. “How was class?” 

Dean rolled his eyes and Charlie winked at him.

“It was good,” came Sam’s voice through the phone. “Biology was actually really interesting. How’s band practice?”

“Awesome! Remember to come to the show tonight, alright? Six o’clock sharp at the Student Union.” Gabriel wasn’t sure why he was so concerned about Sam being at the concert. All he knew was that he had a feeling that he needed Sam to show up.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there,” Sam assured.

They said their goodbyes, and Gabriel got back to “practice”. The rest went by in a flash, and it was finally time for the show. Gabriel didn’t even know what songs they were playing, but he figured he would get by just fine.

“You still wanna sing your song?” Dean asked Gabriel backstage.

He was singing a song? Well, there was nothing to lose. Gabriel wondered how Sam would react. “Of course!” he answered Dean, who gave him a thumbs up.

Then it was time. They ran out on stage to applause, not too much, but Gabriel figured it was more than average for a band playing at the Student Union. Gabriel searched the crowd and was relieved to find Sam watching them.

“Hello Stanford! We’re the Impalas! Are you ready to rock?” Dean yelled through the microphone. The crowd cheered, and the band started their first song.

They played mostly classic rock, which Gabriel should have expected. Thankfully they had a set list taped to the ground so he could see what the next song was. He found himself enjoying playing the bass and getting into the music. Every once in a while he would look at Sam, who also seemed to be enjoying himself, and would sing along with some songs.

“Alright, next Gabriel is gonna take over the mic,” Dean announced about five songs in. He switched places with Gabriel and gave him a smile, and Charlie whooped from the keyboard.

For some reason, Gabriel felt that this moment was important- really important. Like something he had been planning for months, even though he had only been here for a few hours. He stepped up to the microphone and caught Sam’s eyes in the crowd, winking at him. Sam laughed, and gave him a wave back.

Then he looked at the set list to see what exactly he was singing. Shit shit shit. Of course it would be that fucking song. He tried to see if he could get them to stop, but it was too late. Crowley counted them off, and Dean started the guitar riff. Gabriel had no choice but to sing.

I never meant to be so bad to you

One thing I said that I would never do

A look from you and I would fall from grace

And that would wipe this smile right from my face

Gabriel kept singing, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Sam. He knew that Sam hated that song, and he hated what he did to Sam. Hopefully Sam would understand that the song was a mistake. There was no way he would have sung if he knew what is was. The song ended, and the rest of the show went by smoothly, except for the apprehension Gabriel felt after singing.

“Great job everyone,” Dean said as they went backstage, slapping Gabriel on the back.

“Woo! We were awesome tonight!” exclaimed Charlie.

“Haha, yeah,” said Gabriel. Then he saw Sam walk into the room.

“Hey Sammy!” greeted Dean.

“Hi Dean,” he replied with a smile.

Charlie grabbed on to Dean’s arm, pulling him away. “We’re just gonna, get ready for the after party.” They left the room, Crowley following them out with a small wave, and Gabriel was left alone with Sam.

“Sam, I’m sorry,” said Gabriel, walking up to Sam.

“For what? That was amazing,” Sam replied with a chuckle.

“For the song,” he said, frowning.

Sam shook his head. “That? I don’t care Gabriel, I’ve already forgiven you, remember? Besides, I listened to the words, it’s ok.”

Gabriel let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he said, and gave Sam a hug. Then he realized something, and pulled away.

Sam gave him a questioning look. “What?”

“I don’t know what’s happening Sam,” Gabriel started, trying to put what he was feeling into words. “Today, and when I saw you in the crowd, it's like- it’s like I’m falling for you all over again.”

Sam smiled softly. “And what’s wrong with that? Sounds pretty romantic to me.”

“No, that’s not it,” Gabriel said, his voice starting to become panicked. “Everyday we just, fall into these different roles. What if we forget who we are and lose ourselves in these worlds, becoming whatever character we’re supposed to be?” 

“Gabe…” Sam’s smile faltered, but quickly returned. He took Gabriel’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs across his cheeks. “That’s not going to happen, ok? We won’t forget where we came from, I promise.”

Gabriel nodded, and Sam lowered his head to gently kiss him. Then the world faded into black around them.

[purplesurveys]

424

A health survey. Must be fun.

What health problems do you have right now? Well my back is a bitch 24/7; my joints hurt when it gets cold; I have scoliosis; and mentally speaking I’m not very stable either. I sound 60. Are you in chronic pain? Never been diagnosed with such, no. What do you take medications for? I don’t. I probably need to, but the state of mental health care in the Philippines is just so inaccessible: it’s expensive, available services are few and far between, and anyone younger than 21 needs to get written consent from their parents, which can be difficult if someone’s parents don’t actually believe in mental health issues. There is a lot of work to be done. What are some health issues you have had in the past? My lactose intolerance was a problem when I was an infant. My family didn’t know I had it, so they kept panicking when I would just poop out all the milk they fed me all day and when my stomach would end up storing nothing. It got critical and I had to be sent to the hospital, but it turned out well after. Do you have allergies? Nope. Free to eat and be in contact with anything.

If so, what are you allergic to? Have you ever been to an allergist? No, never had to. Have you ever been to the ER? Mmm nope, never been in an emergency situation. Have you ever been treated poorly in the ER? Have you ever been told your symptoms were anxiety, when they weren't? I haven’t been tested for that. When I was doing my health exam for university though, they did review my mental health and suspected me of having depression, but they didn’t declare symptoms or formally diagnose me or anything. What is the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced? Probably scraping and kicking my feet against coral reefs when I went snorkeling back in ‘09. I had no flippers and I was panicking (I wasn’t used to using the snorkeling mask to breathe) so I was thrashing my legs around in the water. I knew I was hitting the coral reefs and they were fucking sharp, but I was panicking so I powered through even though it meant I had to hit them every time I kicked. It was painful while I was swimming and even more painful in the weeks that followed. It was the worst infected wound I’ve ever had. Just imagine kicking a razor-sharp boulder with your bare feet. How many surgeries have you had? Zero. I hope I never need any, the thought of surgery terrifies me. What types of surgery have you had? Have you always recovered well from surgery? Have you ever been treated poorly by a doctor? YES!!! The ones in my university’s health service are horrible. Case in point, my health exam for admission to UP: I know it’s part of a doctor’s job, but the doctor assigned to me back then touched my breasts very hastily to check for suspicious bumps. It would have helped tons if 1) she gave me a heads-up beforehand and 2) asked permission, but this lady just told me to lie down and went ahead to stick her hand under my shirt. As someone who had only been fresh out of Catholic school at that point, it was the perfect opportunity to panic. Same doctor was the one who suspected I was depressed after reviewing my mental health form, but instead of being helpful she DEMANDED reasons why I felt that way. I was already uncomfortable with the boob incident by then and was too stunned to speak, so I just kept saying I was fine and that I was mentally stable. In reality I just wanted to get out from that nasty old bitch. Have you ever had a doctor tried to kill you? Oh well that’s just taking it a million times further. No. Is your primary care doctor a man or a woman? I don’t have one. Have you had the same primary care doctor your whole life? We don’t have a family doctor. Are you happy with your current doctor? Have you ever seen a specialist for anything? X-ray technicians. I had trips to see them the most when we found out I had scoliosis.   What is the most itchiest thing you have ever experienced? I had weird rashes on my legs one time in high school, and since I was stubborn I kept scratching them until they turned into nasty black and blue wounds/bruises and cuts. I still have no idea where they came from. Have you ever had a severe itch, that you'd rate a 10? ^ That. On a scale of 1-10, what's the worst physical pain you've ever been in? The coral reef incident is an easy 20. Have you ever passed out from pain? Noooooo. Passing out from pain is one of my greatest fears. I avoid encountering anything painful as much as I can just because I’m scared of the thought of passing out because of pain. Have you ever thrown up from pain? Nope. Just from drinking and expired barbecue lmfao. Do you have any food intolerances? If so, to what? It’s not official, but I hate fruits. Like, I can immediately tell if something has fruit in it and I will spit it out accordingly. That and raisins. Do you have any food sensitivities? If so, to what? Nope. What medications are you allergic to? Do you have acne? A small pimple shows up every now and then (mostly when I’m stressed or if my face gets oily) but it’s never been a full-on breakout. I’ve been lucky when it comes to acne. Do you take birth control pills? I don’t. I want to take them just because I heard it makes your breasts get bigger hahahahahaha but Gab is adamant about not letting me take them. Are your hormones screwed up? Mm no, they’re not that bad. Obviously they act up when I’m nearing or on my period e.g. cravings, crying all the time, being sensitive about everything, but not to the point that my period is irregular or gives me severe dysmenorrhea. Do you have bad withdrawals from medications? I don’t take meds to begin with. What are some withdrawal symptoms you've had? What are some bad side effects of medications that you've had? Have you ever gained weight from a medication? If so, how much? Have you ever had to take Prednisone? Never even heard of it. If so, did it make you gain weight and make your face puff up? Looks like I’m skipping lots of questions. How many hours a sleep do you need? Don’t adults need 8 hours, in general? How many hours a sleep do you get? I try to make it to 8, but I’ve been really busy for this semester that it ends up being 5-7 hours instead. Do you exercise enough? I don’t at all, haaaaaaaaaaah. Do you eat healthy? I do like vegetables and will happily eat salads and sandwiches with veggies packed in them, but I tend to balance it out with grossly unhealthy food anyway, so you decide if this still counts as healthy. Are you on a special diet for your health? No, I don’t think I need to be. Are you trying to lose weight or gain weight? Gain, which I’m on the way to doing. I’m a little chubbier now compared to high school. Are you a healthy weight? I’m 90 lbs. the last time I checked. Relative to my height, that’s underweight. Are you happy with your weight? Sure, but gaining a few pounds wouldn’t hurt either. How often do you wash your hair? Everyday if I’m in school; every other day if I’m on summer break. Do you take showers or baths? Showers. How often do you shower or bathe? ^ Same thing. Do you take vitamins? If so, which ones? I used to take two vitamin syrups everyday when I was younger: one for vitamin C and the other to help me grow taller. When I got a little older my mom changed our usual syrups to these cute vitamin C gummy bears, then after a while I just stopped taking. What bones have you broken? Haven’t broken any, fortunately.  What's the worst physical injury you've had? Aside from my icky foot infection, I had a bad fall in school a few months ago and my ankle got sprained pretty bad. I don’t think I gave it A+ treatment so it never really fully healed. I know this because the same foot still hurts whenever it’s in an odd position or when I shift too much of my weight on it. Do you have sensitive skin? Yes. It eventually gets itchy when my skin is out in the open. In high school, I often had a hard time walking from point A to B because my skin would always get irritated, but I couldn’t scratch it because I was wearing a skirt. What chemicals make you sick? Toxic ones, I would assume? Haha. What time of year do you usually get sick? I never get sick. What's the highest fever you've ever had? 40ºC. It was a dengue scare. Have you ever had the flu? Sure, a few times here and there. Have you ever had bronchitis? Nope. Have you ever had an ear infection? I don’t remember having one. Do you snore? Only when I’m so tired that I’m 130% passed out. What pain reliever do you use for cramps? My menstrual cramps never get that bad. If you're female, what symptoms do you get when on your period? My pelvis area and legs hurt; I cry over everything; I’m sensitive when people are angry; I will essentially take everything personally; my cravings either change every 5 minutes or I just want one food and I will murder to get such craving; I get very poopy; and sometimes I’ll get very drowsy. Do you have regular periods? Pretty much, yes. Sometimes they’ll be a few days early or late but very rarely does it go completely irregular. Are you afraid of shots? Deathly afraid. Like I would do everything to avoid having to take them.  Have you ever donated blood? No. Even if I wanted to, I’m not allowed to (underweight). Plus you have to be pricked for that, which is a Huge No-No for me. Do you do well with shots? If I absolutely have to have a shot, I can manage albeit with a lot of fidgeting. What I’m terrible with is IV. I had a huge meltdown the one and only time I needed to have a needle injected onto my wrist. I was a 12 year old grown ass person thrashing around in the hospital room lol. What x-rays have you had? Just my spine. Have you ever gotten a pill or a piece of food stuck in your throat? Pill-stuck-in-throat sensation happens sometimes, but it’s never been anything serious. What method of birth control do you use, if applicable? Do you take birth control to control hormones, or to prevent pregnancy? As mentioned, I don’t take it. How often does your hair need to be washed? I don’t know about need, but I wash it everyday or every other day so that it doesn’t get oily, which feels irritating. What do you keep on hand for emergencies? I don’t really keep stuff for emergency, just money hahaha. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? Nopes. If so, what were your symptoms? Have you ever used an epi pen? I have not. Have you ever been to the ER for a severe allergic reaction? Negative. What's the worst burn you've ever had? When I was 7, I wanted to do something daring so I touched a clothes iron that was plugged in and was in use (by my grandma, but she left to attend to something at the time). My index finger rightfully had a tiny blister for the next two weeks. My dumbass definitely deserved it. What's the worst allergic reaction you've ever had? No allergies. Have you had any health-related embarrassing moments? I don’t think anything bad enough has happened yet. If so, what happened? (if you want to share) Do you use tampons or pads? Pads. I’m scared of tampons. Do you sweat a lot? I don’t, actually. I drink a lot of water, but I guess I just don’t sweat much. Do you get nosebleeds? I’ve never experienced a nosebleed and am also too scared to get one. Do you get motion sickness? Pretty easily, especially if I’m riding an unfamiliar car. Do you have acne? I get a pimple every now and then but it’s not a big issue. Do you have scars? Sure. There’s one on my fourth right toe and the other one on my left eyebrow. What are some of your scars from? Toe scar is from when my toes got stuck in my bike’s blades (something like that, anyway); eyebrow scar is from a stupid cousin smashing a small glass bottle towards my face. Do you have a birthmark? If so, what color is it? I have a brown one behind my left shoulder. I also have one near my elbow; it used to be blue/green but now it’s a faint black-ish shade. What makes your eyes itch? Uh, dirt? I also know if I’ve been spending too much time in front of the computer when my eyes start feeling irritated. That’s usually my signal to go to bed or to have a break. Are you ticklish? Very. I can’t be tickled on any part of my body. Do you have a sweet tooth? I have my moods, but overly sweet food isn’t really a favorite of mine. Do you ever crave chocolate? Never, actually. I can crave sweet stuff like brownies and cookies, but never chocolate bars. Do you ever crave cheese? No. Lactose intolerance makes me wary of cheese so I never really ~crave it. What else, if anything, do you get cravings for? I usually crave for cuisines in general or specific restaurants.  Do you drink enough water? Yeah I’m pretty sure I do. Do you comfort eat when stressed? It varies. Sometimes I’ll rely on eating, but other times I’ll lose my appetite and wouldn’t want to be anywhere near food. How old were you when you started your period? I was 9 but was about to turn 10. How old were you when you started going through puberty? I am guessing the same age when I had my period, but everything sped up only when I was 10/11. What was the first sign of puberty for you? ...My period? Did your hair change when you went through puberty? Hair started to grow in places, but as for changes, not really. At what time of day do you normally feel your best? I don’t really keep track lol. Are you naturally optimistic or pessimistic? Um both, depending on my mood for the day. It never stays constant. Are you naturally energetic? I’m naturally un-energetic. Looking at extroverts exhausts me. Does your mind wander a lot? Only when I’m bored at something, like in a certain class. I can generally focus well. Do you know your blood type? I don’t actually hah. Have you ever been taken to the hospital against your will? Nope. Any final thoughts? Cool survey. It’s different.

[renrutnnej]

I never wanted to be a mother

Oh boy, the miracle of birth and whatnot!

I’m really bad at absolutes. For example, as long as I can remember I’ve told people I never wanted to be a wife or a mother. As a little girl I remember looking at both jobs and being like, “Nah.”

My daughter was not my first pregnancy. The first time I was en-wombed was in university and I was a freshman who in the short span of six months time was sexually assaulted, and entered into a volatile physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Because of some mental health problems and a total lack of self esteem, I didn’t see either of these things in their correct light, I just thought my first year away from home was a real education in female adulthood.

Fortunately my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Is it weird or wrong to say that? I don’t think so. I was 19 and had already chipped a front tooth from being punched in the face by my boyfriend. So when I think about that time in my life, I don’t feel any guilt. Also I didn’t know I was pregnant until it was too late and what I thought was the worst period of my life was actually a miscarriage.

This gave me the impression that my physical person was a hostile environment to children. It proved that I knew I could and would not be a mother, ever.

—

To talk about my daughter’s birth, I have to set the stage, which in retrospect I’ve always described as an unfortunate series of events, but now I realize fully how incomplete and lacking in good substance my life would have been without her. I have to look at these events as exactly the way things were supposed to happen.

First, I could not find a writing job out of college (I graduated with a degree in English literature, lucrative I know). All of my self esteem issues came to a head and I resigned myself to the fact that I had been posing in college as a person with ambition when really I was going to end up staying a small town person working retail or as another’s administrative assistant or something.

Second, my sister graduated from college the following year and decided to move to Las Vegas. Through zero seconds of trying to convince me I decided to come along. Also our parents were already living there (they had moved while we were both in university).

This new start inspired me and I decided to do something completely different with my life. I was going to change the world by joining the Peace Corps. Whoa, except that stipend does NOT even come close to covering my credit card bills and student loans. Umm, backup plan, I was going to change the world by teaching English in South America, somewhere like Argentina or something. In the meantime I had to save up for this adventure so I took the first job I could, in retail.

Third, sexism has pissed me off for a long time. Growing up tomboy really instilled an (arguably ignorant) type of jealous competitiveness in me. Anything they can do, I can do better, or in the very least I can do it too. So when my male peers (retail managers) were having relationships with younger employees, I decided to too. I’m a modern woman, and cougars were like definitely a thing by then. I started hooking up with a very hot, barely legal (but also very legal), sales associate.

Next, in a few months time my sister moved to Seattle and my parents moved back to Washington state. They moved me into my own apartment on Warm Springs and back home to Richland in the same weekend. Finally I was a modern woman living in Las Vegas, with her lifelong companion cat (i.e., cat I picked out when I was 6 years old) Beauty, making it happen.

Just kidding, I got pregnant.

—

Getting pregnant a second time was a complete shock. And by that I mean, I thought it was impossible. As in, not even within the realm of possibility.

I’d been having some lady troubles for sometime and since my sister had had Exorcist level kidney stone problems I went to the doctor right away for fear. The doctor confirmed what I had known since I was 19. Well, almost. She said it appeared that my symptoms might be an indication that I was infertile. Twenty-four year old me: duh. But they still had to run the tests.

Getting pregnant brought intricate complexity and mind-numbing simplicity to my life. Having to tell the parents of my 18 year old (now boyfriend, ugh) that I was pregnant was terrifying. Having to tell my parents, worse.

No more changing the world.

No more Argentina.

No more writing.

No more freedom.

I had just fast tracked my path to wife and mother by being a “modern woman” making things happen.

No more infertility, what the hell?

And since this was clearly a miracle baby, getting rid of her never once entered my mind. This was obviously a baby Jesus type situation.

We moved from Vegas to Kansas City with his family. To say it politely, my parents weren’t pleased by my condition and the distance did us both a lot of good (I told myself). His family, on the other hand, were very happy and excited by the baby’s coming. At least they always gave the very genuine appearance of being so. I was less excited.

Actually I was the most depressed I’d been in my life at that point. I knew my body was a hostile place to fetuses so what the heck!?

I absolutely could not imagine the whole exit strategy of my situation. Instead I imagined death.

I took lots of time to myself and wrote pages and pages of tear-stained journals I can’t bear to read now. I slept as much as I could. I was mourning my death while I was still alive, growing a life inside of me.

Also I had to get rid of my cat, what the fuck.

—

I knew I was never meant to be anyone’s mother and so I was positive I would carry this baby to term and die during labor, and she would be cared for by this warm and loving family. And I would die young like I’d always predicted. Well, youngish.

My OBGYN became worried by my morbid questions about death rates.

I refused to have a baby shower or anything resembling a baby shower because I couldn’t imagine celebrating the event that was going to kill me.

My lamaze class teacher asked me stop asking questions about worst case scenarios because I was scaring the other mothers.

—

Working in retail brought about what I felt to be appropriate levels of shame and self-hatred.

Strangers, assuming me to be much younger than I was, made completely hideous comments about me and my baby, and my education (lol, right). I was constantly touched and given advice by strangers, interrogated regularly.

My retail district was close to a particularly violent one regarding shoplifters. Other managers in my store had been maced or stabbed with the tools shoplifters brought into stores to break off the security tags. One day I found the equivalent of a shiv in the front room of my store and went into the stockroom and had a complete mental and emotional break down imagining approaching the wrong customer just one time.

I felt I deserved this, though it enraged me. This was my penance.

My hormones surged. I snuck as many drinks of wine at family dinners as I could. (Sorry baby, but red wine is delicious). I had nightmares about delivering babies with heads shaped like deflated basketballs, or delivering piles of bloody guts. I obsessed over my single friends awesome lives (aka highlight reels) on Facebook.

It made me bitter that I had to die. I became resentful of my baby’s father, even though he tried his best with me. He wanted to marry me and have more kids, be a dad. I knew she’d be okay. Hopefully he’d marry someone who wasn’t anything like me or that evil stepmom bitch in Cinderella.

I’d end up letting him name her. I chose her middle name, Violet.

—

It began one Sunday night, after a large steak dinner (with red wine) at his parents. I kept feeling like I had to poop really bad every twenty minutes. It was so bad that I couldn’t sleep. By 1am I was on the toilet trying to push steak out and when I saw drops of blood, I freaked out. IT’S TIME! I screamed.

He sprung into action. What do we bring? Spoiler alert, I hadn’t even packed a “go” bag because I never planned on coming back.

We listened to Jason Mraz on the short drive to the hospital. God, this is the last song I’m ever going to hear. I focused on the words and tried to clear my mind of pushing all of my guts out.

When we got to the hospital, they did some tests and I wasn’t far enough along. Maybe this is a fake out, and I can go home and go to bed. No, the nurse told me, you’ll progress it just takes a little time.

Another nurse came in and did a quick ultrasound to see the baby’s position. Her tone worried me, looks like this one’s a breach baby. You’ll have to adjust your birthing plan. Just knock me out, I sighed. Oh oops, those are the baby’s shoulders. I thought it was her butt. She was low and engaged, and I was fine. That fucking nurse.

So he walked me around the hospital corridors while I had the worst cramps of my life. I tried not to cry.

This is how it ends, me alone in the hospital, out in the midwest, without any of my friends or family, with this kid, and this other kid inside me.

Around 4am I finally reached a point where I could get pain meds and this other drug that would help my labor progress while I was medicated, but first they had to break my water. I was terrified of any more pain. They showed me what looked like a knitting needle that they’d insert to break the membrane. The nurse assured me, her name was Bridget by the way, that it was painless. I sobbed. Couldn’t they just knock me out. My knees clamped shut and I couldn’t keep from trembling.

But it was painless and suddenly I was sitting in a puddle of what just felt like warm pee. That was it, water broken. I felt like an idiot. The drugs came quickly after that and by 5am I had progressed to the point that I could get the one thing that was keeping me going through this whole ordeal: an epidural.

The anesthesiologist came in and sat me perpendicular to the gurney. He told me to sit still because he was putting a needle the length of a ruler down my spine. But the painkillers really got to me and I had to crack jokes about how the only thing separating my naked body from the doctors and nurses in that room was a piece of paper gown. My boyfriend looked white. I was already stoned.

Afterward, I was finally comfortable, and I drifted off to sleep quickly. Bridget came in once an hour on the hour and put her whole hand in my vagina to see how far down the head was. I didn’t like being woken up but I couldn’t really feel anything and Bridget was my best friend at that point.

Around 10:45am things picked up. My baby’s dad was downstairs eating breakfast with his family when Bridget told me I’d need to call him, I was almost at 10 centimeters. He came back with his mom and Bridget told me now when I felt the urge to push to do it.

I didn’t want to poop on the table and I couldn’t get up to like clear things out before I labored a baby so I gave some weak ass pushes. Bridget could tell.

I gave one hard push and she exclaimed, JUST LIKE THAT! But I saw his face and I knew I had pooped. The shame. But again, I was stoned so meh.

Strangely I had turned down the floor length mirror at the foot of the bed because I didn’t want to see myself die, but if the end was coming I really didn’t want to see it.

“Bridget can you take off your glasses? With the lights and everything I can see my vagina and I really just can’t right now.”

She did.

With his mom video recording the monumental eruption and destruction of my vagina, my first child was born at 11:25 am. The doctor, I don’t know when she showed up (?), put the blue, guts covered baby on my chest.

She was out. I had tried not to picture her before because I never wanted to let myself go down that road in my mind.

I looked at her. She looked at me. She was gross. But she was an alive thing with eyes who looked at me. She looked like she’d been freezing (she was blue) in bloody Cream of Wheat. Also she had pooped in utero and that was everywhere, super great.

I had nothing profound to say, so I said, “Oh my god, a baby.”

Then they whisked her away to clean her up and do all the baby tests. Everyone else left too.

My body got overtaken with waves of pregnancy hormones coursing through me while I delivered the placenta and my whole body convulsed as the pregnancy hormones left me. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THE PLACENTA. Jesus.

The doctor began to clean up the volcanic eruption where my lower lady parts used to live. I knew I had felt a slight burning sensation during the birth, but I didn’t know it was a tear. I simply thought it was the slight onset of death.

It didn’t make sense to me that I was alive.

I had no plan for this. I didn’t even bring a nightgown.

Now what?

—

As of the time of my pregnancy, I can’t recall seeing any birth or pregnancy narratives that highlighted feelings like fear, depression, or general reservations without framing them them as fleeting blue aspects of an otherwise golden soft lit scenario. That’s not real life. I’m sharing my story, because even though I was certainly depressed, I don’t know that my feelings of doubt at the sudden onset of potential motherhood are all that uncommon.

When I share my true feelings and experience with friends, I often hear that other women are relieved by my candor. Dutiful, knowing mother is a trope to which I do not subscribe, and frankly, doesn’t reflect my experience at all. So I’m offering my story as just one against the many almost romantic Disney-esque birth and pregnancy stories. My daughter and I did not live happily ever after, and our relationship, just like any other, is one that has required hard work and patience (a lot of patience) but we’re both better for it.

This story originally appeared on Medium, April 3, 2016.

[sylveon-official]

bustin out the mpreg fluff as everyone else busts out the porn lol

Pt. 3 of Otayuri mpreg adventures

It's two in the morning and Yuri just wants a damn cheeseburger.

ao3 or under the cut

“Beka…”

“Mmmm…?”

“Beka, wake up.”

“Wha… what time is it?”

Yuri purses his lips, but continues to softly, yet urgently jostle Otabek by the bicep. There are more much more important matters to worry about than a little thing like the time.

“Beka, please…”

Otabek finally groans and rolls over to face Yuri, an arm flung over one eye as the other seeks out the digital alarm clock on the side table, just past the bulge of Yuri’s six-and-half-month pregnant belly.

“Yura…”

“Beka…”

“It’s two in the morning…”

“I know, but—”

Otabek cuts him off with a sharp sigh, thumbs going to massage his temples.

“Babe… you promised me no more middle-of-the-night snack runs.”

Yuri huffs, folding his arms atop of his belly in defiance.

“I can’t exactly help it—”

Otabek clucks his tongue and Yuri really doesn’t think he appreciates the sound of it. Before he can vocalize that thought, Otabek cuts in again.

“I know. Yura, I know. It’s just—I also know you know I have to be up for practice at five—”

Yuri splutters indignantly. “Yeah, well, you went to bed at like nine last night—”

“—and this is the third time this week—”

Yuri scoffs as Otabek rails on, voice increasing in speed and volume.

“And I seriously can’t help but think you’re just doing this on purpose to test my patience at this point!”

The air stales in the ensuing silence, Yuri biting his lip to quell the impending outburst.

Yuri briefly catches Otabek side eyeing him, frozen in horror as Yuri’s lip trembles and small whine escapes, inevitably bubbling over into a broken wail.

“Yura!” Otabek cries, clearly exasperated, as Yuri’s sobs grow more forceful.

“Yuri, shhh, you’re going to wake the neighbors up again—”

“Is that all you care about?” Yuri whines through big, fat, theatrical tears that he honestly can’t really help, but isn’t really trying to hold back.

“Of course not, Yurachka, it’s just—”

“When your pregnant as fuck mate is right next to you, fucking starving and in a hormonal rampage no thanks to you,” Yuri sneers through hiccupping sobs and judging by the way Otabek draws in a tight breath he knows he’s pushing his mate to his wit’s end, but once he gets this wound up this tight he can’t stop until he—

“Come on, Yuri! You can’t just cry me into getting you McDonald’s at fuck-all-o’clock in the morning every fucking time you—!”

—snaps—

“I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU, JUST FUCKING STOP!”

Yuri is gasping ragged breaths by the time he’s done, and one glance at Otabek tells him he’s really gone too far this time.

“Yuri…” Otabek breathes, features twisted into something in between concern and shock.

Great. As if he needed another outburst to add to the stockpile of reasons for Otabek to leave him before the pup’s even born. Yuri wouldn’t even blame him at this point.

“Yura, relax,” Otabek says, barely a whisper, and it isn’t until his hand is hovering cautiously over Yuri’s own that he realizes he’s shaking.

Before his brain can catch up with his actions, Yuri’s pulling away his hand as if its been burnt.

“Don’t touch me,” Yuri rasps back belatedly.

He needs to get away from here. Yuri shuffles to his left so that his feet are off the side of the bed. He uses the side table to hoist himself up, breathing deep for a few moments to steady himself.

Otabek doesn’t say a word as Yuri slips out the door.

Yuri sits cross-legged on the couch, staring into the black of the television screen as he works slowly on his next spoonful of peanut butter. He strokes absent-mindedly at the bulgiest part of his tummy where his spawn has been kicking up a storm for the better part of the last hour, clearly an act of spite for waking her up in the middle of the night.

Tears are rolling silently down his cheeks when Otabek rounds the corner, softly knocking at the partition between the hallway and the living room. Yuri sniffles and makes quick work of brushing the tear tracks away.

“Hey,” comes Otabek’s voice, soft and cautious.

“Hey,” comes Yuri’s response around the mouthful of peanut butter he’s still working on.

“Can we talk?” Otabek ventures a little further into the room. Yuri tenses up, because when is the phrase ‘can we talk’ ever indicative of anything good? Still, Otabek’s never been that sensitive to layered meanings and Yuri nods ‘yes’ anyway, scooting towards the far end of the couch so that Otabek can take a seat a safe distance away.

Yuri is still staring into the empty television when Otabek sits down, legs spread wide enough to touch the edge of Yuri’s pinky toe that’s hanging off of the couch. He draws back instinctively, but sighs when he earns a vaguely hurt expression from Otabek in his peripheral.

“You know I don’t hate you…” Yuri starts lamely, letting the sentence hang in the air before he’s interrupted by a sharp kick to his bladder. “Ow, fuck.”

“I know. Is she keeping you up?” Otabek tentatively reaches out towards where Yuri is kneading at his belly, hand hovering and eyes questioning.

Yuri shoots him a guarded look, but it melts down quickly. He’s too tired to keep up the act and his wrist is cramping anyways. He grabs Otabek’s hand and guides it towards where the baby is kicking.

Otabek huffs what counts as a small laugh for him as he takes over the gentle massage. “Feels like she’s kickboxing your guts.”

Yuri grimaces. “Yeah. Payback for waking her up I guess…”

Otabek hums noncommittally as they lapse into a silence that’s not exactly tense, but is slightly weighted on top of the exhaustion that’s clearly settling over them both.

Yuri’s the first to give into the exhaustion and follows his instinct, setting the thoroughly licked spoon down on the coffee table sothat he can slide back into Otabek’s chest. Otabek accommodates him easily, shifting so that his back is against the armrest and one leg is behind Yuri. Yuri adjusts so that he’s lying sideways on top of him. He noses at Otabek’s neck, relaxing at the familiar scent.

Otabek’s other hand snakes around to stroke at Yuri’s elbow, thumbing tenderly at the skin there as his other hand continues to massage just below his bellybutton.

“I’m so sorry, babe,” Otabek sighs into Yuri’s hair, before pressing a long, sweet kiss into the crown of his head.

Yuri tenses up at the admission, and it’s not long after that his face is scrunching up in a sniffle that he tries to suppress — which unfortunately, just leads to more tears leaking from his eyes.

“Fuck!” Yuri whispers through a hiccupping little sob, hiding his face in the crook of Otabek’s neck while gripping helplessly onto the collar of his boyfriend’s shirt.

“Shhhh,” Otabek breathes into his hair, nosing along his scalp and peppering the occasional kiss there. “It’s okay, Yura.”

“Ugh!” Yuri beats a fist half-heartedly into Otabek’s chest once he’s gained control of his breath. “It’s not, though, Beka! I’m the one who should be sorry. I know I’ve been a fucking pain in the ass—for months now. I know I’m doing it, but I can’t stop, and I—” he chokes on a small sob before forcing through his tears, “I feel like I’m pushing you away,” Yuri sniffles, voice small and fragile.

“Yuri…”

Otabek sighs and for a split-second Yuri is genuinely anxious that he’s simply going to agree. Instead, Otabek lifts his hand from Yuri’s belly to tilt his chin up so they can lock eyes. Yuri knows his own eyes must be gross and puffy and bloodshot, so he quickly lifts a hand to cover them.

“Yuri…” Otabek sighs again, this time with a hint of laughter behind his tone that convinces Yuri to let his boyfriend gently remove the hand over his eyes.

Yuri sends an exaggerated pout in Otabek’s direction as his mate thumbs gently at the tear tracks he can feel starting to stick to his skin.

Otabek smiles softly in return, that rare, dope-y lovesick one that would leave Yuri weak at the knees if he weren’t already lying down.

“I don’t know if you realized it yet, but you’re pregnant, kotik.”

Yuri rolls his eyes and huffs at that, but Otabek just presses a kiss to his hairline before continuing, “Cravings, hormones… temper tantrums...” Otabek pauses meaningfully and smirks, the bastard, “They’re all part of the experience. And besides, if you being an ‘asshole’ is what was supposed to drive me away, I think that would’ve happened a long time ago.”

Yuri’s mouth drops open at that and he has every intention of verbally chewing his mate out, except he really can’t help the way his mouth twists into a grin on its own accord.

“You are a fucking dick!” Yuri manages between disbelieving laughter, slapping Otabek hard enough on the chest that his breath gets knocked out of him.

“If you’re the asshole and I’m the dick, we fit together perfectly—,” Otabek positively leers before leaning down and blowing a raspberry into the crook of Yuri’s neck.

“Gross!” Yuri cries out, giggling as Otabek assaults his neck, raspberries devolving into a deep chuckle that vibrates against Yuri in a way that causes a shiver up his spine…

… and an attention-starved baby to make her presence known once more.

“Ow, okay, okay, Beka, stop— she— oh…”

Otabek detaches himself from Yuri’s neck instantly, peering down as Yuri clutches at the round of his stomach.

“Yuri?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just gimme a minute—” Yuri bites out, palming at the spot where he’s cramping up.

Otabek’s hand joins him as the pain starts to subside.

“Just two more months,” Otabek sighs, gently stroking over Yuri’s bellybutton. His eyes flutter closed and he sinks deeper into the couch, pulling Yuri more firmly against his chest.

“Try two and a half. Don’t try to pretend those last two weeks aren’t going to be hell… I already feel fucking huge. If I can’t walk, you’re gonna have to carry me everywhere,” Yuri yawns, snuggling into Otabek’s chest as his own eyelids grow heavy with fatigue.

He feels Otabek scoff from the rise of his chest against his cheek but before his mate can get a word in, Yuri continues, “Also, you owe me a McDonald’s breakfast if I wake up with a fucked up back from sleeping like this.”

“Brat,” Otabek whispers behind a short laugh and Yuri smirks against his collarbone in return.

“You love me.”

“I do,” Otabek replies, and Yuri can feel him smiling lazily against his hair.

The next morning, Yuri smiles as he wakes up to the smell of egg McMuffins and hash browns.

“I figured it was better not to risk it,” Otabek is leaning smugly against the kitchen counter and ready to explain when Yuri cracks an eye open.

“I love you so much,” Yuri groans dramatically before burying his face into one of the throw pillows.

“I know,” Otabek responds with a laugh.

And even though Yuri’s back does kind of have a crick in it, he wouldn’t trade this moment for anything – even for a two in the morning food-run.

[such-a-common-girl]

“And Then She Ran” Daryl Dixon

Words: 2,023

Summary: After Daryl’s daughter dies, he finds her diary and learns more about her than he wanted.

Warnings: This is dark. Death, some swear words, angst

A/N lol I cried writing this

Link to part 2 here!

-

Daryl can still remember his daughter’s death like it was yesterday.

It was her on her eighteenth birthday. Daryl, not one to show his emotions, had gone out of his comfort zone that day to make sure it was a special one. He’d had Carol over to cook her favorite breakfast (at least, her favorite out of the few options they had), and while on a previous run, he found her a beautiful diamond necklace in a house that was still in good shape. He managed to find some paper to cover it with. He had everything ready to go. It was not often that she got to feel like she was special.

They had a fight that day. This was not just any normal fight, not like the ones that they usually had. And they had fights often. This fight was different.

Everyone had noticed that she had been acting differently lately. Nobody brought it up with her, but everyone knew something was wrong. Daryl was the last one to catch on, and when he finally convinced her to tell him what was going on… It turned into the worst fight they’d ever had.

She had run off after that fight, but Daryl didn’t pay any mind to that. She had a habit of “running away” for a few hours. The first few times she did that, Daryl freaked out. He looked for her up and down until the minute she came home. Usually she came home drunk, which would just piss Daryl off more, but at least she was ok. So after a few times of her pulling that act, Daryl stopped worrying.

“She’ll be back soon.” Daryl told himself that day, not bothering to run after her.

She didn’t come back. As a matter of fact, she never came back. A few days after her disappearance, Rick, Daryl, and Glenn went out looking for her. In her place, they saw something they wish they never saw.

She was dead. She was a walker.

Daryl broke down after that, crying harder than he had in his entire life. He just lost his little girl. When he got back to their house later that night, he grabbed the necklace and threw it out the window, sobbing.

It took Daryl a while to be okay after that. In reality, he knew he’d never be okay, but he was okay enough to move on. It took almost a year before he could even go into her room again. It smelled like her; he could almost feel her presence in there. That was comforting for the first few days, until he realized he was never getting her back. She was gone.

-

This was the first time he’d been in your room since that night. Daryl took in the surroundings- it was a mess in here.

‘She was definitely not a tidy person.” Daryl thought to himself, laughing softly. He sat on the bed, taking a deep breath.

“I shouldn’t be in here.” He said out loud to himself, getting up to leave. But something stopped him. He noticed a notebook nudged in between the mattress and the floor. Hesitating, he picked it up and opened it to the first page.

‘I’d been caught with Carl more times than you could imagine.

At first it wasn’t anyone important catching us, only people like Maggie or Glenn who I knew wouldn’t say anything. Then, Rick found out. Rick was pissed, and told Carl to stay away from me.   “She’s too much trouble, Carl. Don’t get involved with her.” Rick had told him. I know he doesn’t like me. He only tolerates me because I’m his best friend’s daughter. I know he’d kick me out of the group if he could. So when he promised me that he wouldn’t tell my dad if we stopped while we were ahead, I agreed. I cried, and told him I’d keep it friendly between the two of us.

Carl didn’t listen. I didn’t either. I just played it up so he wouldn’t tell my dad. We just found other places to sneak around to and have sex.

But, oh boy. The look on my dad’s face that day when he saw me on top of Carl, clothes scattered everywhere. I hadn’t seen him scream that loud at anyone in his life. Daryl Dixon is not a man to piss off. I don't know how often I'll be able to write in this but I'll try to as much as possible. Don't exactly get too much free time around here.'

Daryl knew he shouldn’t be reading his daughter’s diary, but he couldn’t stop himself. Despite the conditions of the world forcing them to be together all the time, he knew absolutely nothing about his daughter except that she and Carl were together and that she was good with a gun.

A part of him knew it didn’t matter anymore. She was dead.

He turned to the next entry.

‘My dad is keeping me on a leash now. He’s mad at me. I don’t care. Carl’s the only person that genuinely makes me happy. My dad doesn’t make me happy. He just wants to control me.

I know this put a damper in his friendship with Rick. Rick’s saying it’s all my fault because I’m a bad influence. My dad stood up for me, but I know deep down he agrees. I’m a “problem child.” I have attitude. I’m dramatic. I like to venture out on my own and go explore, sometimes bringing Carl with me so we can have alone time.

I know my dad wishes he had a better daughter. Sometimes I wish I was. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t born, and that my mom gave birth to a different kid. A kid that wasn’t me. I bet my dad would love that. He hates me.

My 18th birthday is in two weeks. I don’t know if legalities matter anymore in this world, but I’ll be an adult. I want to be treated like one. I want off this leash. I want to be allowed to be with Carl without being told no.

I won’t stop seeing him.’

The more Daryl read that, the more his heart broke. He never knew that she thought he didn’t care. Tears starting forming in his eyes, but he wiped them away quickly. He refuses to cry about anything anymore.

‘I’m sick. I can’t stop throwing up everywhere. It’s odd, because I feel fine other than when it just hits me out of nowhere, and no one else is sick beside me.

I refuse to even think about the other option. I’m sick, that’s all.

I got to kill a lot of walkers today. I haven’t got to do that in a while. It felt nice to hold a gun again. Carl is sweet with me. He’s always making sure I’m okay, being protective and all. He loves me, he told me that today. I think I love him too.’

Daryl didn’t know Carl and her were that serious. He thought they were just hormonal teenagers, doing things that teenagers done. He didn’t know there was feelings there. That was an odd thing for Daryl to imagine, love. He hadn’t ever felt it for a girl that wasn’t family.

‘It’s confirmed. I’m pregnant. I did something to piss off my dad, so then it would start a fight, and I ran off without him trying to find me. If I ran off without a reason he’d be suspicious.

I found the tests in the town over. It wasn’t a long walk, but the coldness was getting to me. I ran home, and hid the box in my coat.

My dad didn’t even look at me as I walked past him.

I don’t know how I’m going to tell Carl. God, how am I going to tell anyone? My dad? Rick? I don’t understand how this happened. He pulled out every time. We didn’t use condoms, they’re not exactly easy for either of us to obtain, but I thought pulling out worked, too. I guess I was wrong.

I suppose I didn’t really have anyone to teach me this stuff.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I'm sitting here writing in a diary like a little girl for God's sake.’

Tears spilling, Daryl slammed the diary shut. He couldn’t read anymore. He stormed off the bed, and punches the wall near him.

“Daryl?” Rick appeared. Daryl turned his body to face him, ready to break at any moment.

“She thought I hated her.” Daryl says slowly, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

“I doubt she thought you hated her. She knew you loved her. You wouldn’t have gotten so protective of her if you didn’t love her.”

“Rick, I foun’ her diary… I shouldn’t have read it, but I did. She said she wished she wasn’t born because she thought she wasn’t a good enough daughter for me.”

Rick could see the man in front of him, broken to pieces. He felt for him.

“I’m going to finish reading it, I think.” Daryl said after a few moments of silence. Rick took that a que that he wanted to be left alone, and made his way out of the room.

Daryl’s hands shook as he reached for the small, brown notebook once more. Turning it to the last entry she made, he took a deep breath and continued reading.

‘I told Carl.

He took it okay. We were in the middle of eating breakfast that Carol had made for the group when I pulled him outside to talk. He was mostly freaked out. I don’t know if he was more freaked out at the fact that he was going to be a father, or the fact that he would have to tell HIS father. But in the end, he knew his father would be supporting regardless. He gave me a real big kiss and told me we would get through this together.  

I told him I didn’t want to tell anyone until I told my dad first. I’m telling him today. It’s my birthday. I figured it’s as good of a day as any to tell him.

I found the necklace he got me. The paper he had it all wrapped in was torn and it was falling out. It was beautiful. I’ve never seen anything to beautiful in my life. I don’t think my dad’s ever gotten me a gift. It makes me happy. Not because its material, but because it’s meaningful. I don’t get attention from him like this. It makes me want to cry.

Stupid pregnancy. Makes me emotional.

I can’t wait for him to give it to me. I feel like maybe it’s his idea of trying to open up to me. If he’s willing, I’m willing.

I have this idea that if my baby turns out to be a girl, I want to give the necklace to her when she gets older. I want to keep it in the family. If we live long enough for that.

I love this baby so much already. I’d do anything for him or her, I can already feel it.

I’m going to tell him whenever he gets back from doing whatever he’s doing. I know he’s going to kill me. I’m getting anxiety about telling him. I considered just not telling him at all, letting him figure out on his own that he’s going to be a grandfather. But I need to tell him. I’ll write in this later and-“

It stops mid-sentence, not continuing. Daryl notices stains on the side of the paper, a puke-ish color, like she got sick while writing that and forgot about it.

He slowly closes the journal, mind numb. He knew the rest of the story.

-

He had home early from checking out a possible un-scavenged pharmacy with Glenn when he saw her sitting outside, deep in thought.

“How did it go?” She had asked him, attempting to build up a conversation with him before dropping the bomb.

“Overrun by walkers, but mostly un-touched. Rick’s sending in a team tomorrow to clear the place out.”

“Awesome,” She had said blankly.

“Look, I know we’re not the perfect example of a father daughter relationship, but if somethings wrong I need you to tell me.” Daryl told her, taking a seat next to her.

“Dad, I’m pregnant.”

Daryl looked over at her in shock. Her eyes were rimmed with tears, and her stomach felt nauseous, although she wasn’t sure if that was from more morning sickness or the anticipation of waiting for his response.

“You’re jokin’, right?” He looked at her dead in the eye. All she could do was stare at him.

“Fuck.” He cursed, getting up from next to her. “How could you do that? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“It’s not like we wanted this, dad!” She was angry.

“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna rip his head off.” Daryl was fuming.

“Dad, please-“

“God, I don’ understand, why couldn’t you have just been a good kid? Why do you gotta run around causin’ problems for everyone. I shouldn’t even be surprised.”

He had hit a nerve. She looked at him, no response. He looked at her one last time before storming into the house, slamming the door shut.

“I’ll never let anything happen to you.” She talked to her baby, rubbing her stomach. She was so angry that she forgot to grab her gun.

And then she ran.

[pregnancy-joys]

29+4.... where has the time gone?!

Only 10 weeks left... OMG. Had my first measurement from the midwife tonight. The measurement is meant to correspond with the number of weeks pregnant you are. It doesn't always, which is fine. Luckily for myself it was bang on. My bloods came back fine and everything tested great. Very lucky here! Baby is kicking like nuts and im so happy.

I look at my body and I do get really upset, my thighs are now huge with horrible stretch marks all the way down to my knees, I have stretch marks all up over my hips and boobs. Luckily not on my tummy... yet. But you know what... if baby comes out healthy and happy... then fuck it. I can shape my body later... I can diet, exersice, lather myself up in every chemical to rid me of those marks... but for now, they are my war wounds. Pregnancy is no picnic and if my body craves a cheesy pizza, sausage rolls and icecream... then it obviously needs it, and I must have been doing something right all this time for my tests to come back good. ♡. All for you my little man! Please go easy on me with the birth :p lol.

To be honest, the cravings have subsided now, but the hormones are back with vengeance! Sat under the quilt crying the other night... no particular reason why. Just needed a bloody good sob and then I was fine. As if it didn't happen.

Third trimester symptoms are wierd. And I've still got 10 weeks to go! Lets power through this!!! After all, this is what we as women are built for! Strong, independant and can do anything!

If you're in your third trimester or just starting out and feeling down... you can do it! It's hard but just believe in yourself. ♡