#every day marty wakes up and forgets that hes dead

[jimmyandthegiraffes]

im losing my SHIT over the moments that are scattered throughout this show that show marty's incorporeality without spelling it out

like. the way when people move thigns hes leaning on, he doesnt lose balance bc hes not ACTUALLY leaning on them hes just maintaining an illusion of being one with the world of the living. or when the hypnotist psych guy puts his hand thru marty and marty is like Yeow That Was My Personal Space. or when marty tries to catch hold of bream at the same time jeff does and his hand catches nothing or when jeff is like help me up and marty goes to take his hand and then is like :/

i wanna add images to this but its late so i might do later

[dragonsarecool]

Febwhump Day 27 - Left For Dead

A/N: Needles' hatred for Marty goes one step too far. Set prior to Part I.

The asphalt beneath his cheek was uncomfortable.

Wait, why was he on asphalt? That's a road, isn't it?

Why am I on a road? I'm not a car. I'm not even a skateboard. I am a skater boy...

He flexed his hands, feeling the corrugated surface slide beneath his fingertips.

There was something odd about the road that he couldn't understand. Last time he checked, roads weren't meant to be slippery. Or sticky, for that matter.

Maybe I'm in a pile of oil?

Or a water puddle. A puddle sounds nicer, I think.

He experimented with the substance beneath his fingertips. Not only was it sticky, but it felt suspiciously warm against his delicate skin. Maybe it is oil after all…

His body was being turned over, and a gurgle of pain bubbled in his throat as he landed on his back. Something was pouring copiously out of his mouth and he involuntarily gagged. Am I dying?

A breath entered his lungs, yet nothing happened. That got his attention. Air air air I need air oh my God-

He felt his head being turned to the side, the mystery liquid slowing down as it dribbled out of the corner of his mouth. A wet series of coughs was quickly followed by an uncontrollable urge to vomit. The smell was enough to bring him an inch closer to lucidity, though he knew he was still missing pieces of the puzzle.

He was now conscious enough to register the series of voices whizzing around his head. It sounded like a couple of men, though he didn't trust anything his brain was trying to process at that moment.

"Did you call an ambulance, Steve?"

"Yeah, I got the Burger King kids to do it. Told them the kid looked dead so they should be here any minute."

"Christ, what do you reckon happened to him? Hit and run?"

"Nah, I think he's been targeted. Look at how misshapen his nose is; a car couldn't do that."

"But he's just a kid, Steve! Who the hell leaves someone this bad?"

"Young people, apparently."

"Poor kid. Reckon he can hear us?"

"Doubt it. He's prob…"

He decided that floating in the void was nice.

There was no pain, no noise, no foul tastes in his mouth. It was a pretty nice place to chill.

If anything, he was thoroughly pissed off when he heard the voice again. "Marty?"

For God's sake, people, let me sleep! This is a damn good nap I'm having…

"I know you can hear me, Marty. Hearing is the last sense to go, and usually the first to return."

Wait a minute…who is that? You sound oddly familiar.

"If anything, Marty, you need to wake up so you can tell us which bastards did this to you."

It was as though a switch in the depths of his brain had been flicked. Images and sounds came flooding into his mind's eye, even though most of them were still a bit foggy. His emotions came to life; a combination of guilt, rage, exasperation and fear, all flaring to life at the same time.

Doc! Oh my God, Doc! How'd I forget your voice?!

Damn, I must've hit my head really hard this time-

Needles!

It was Needles, that son of a bitch!

Wait, why was I talking to Needles in the first place? I don't remember being at school today. Is it a weekend?

Why can't they just leave me alone? I don't do anything to them!

The throbbing inside his skull was getting worse.

He felt nauseous.

Someone was ranting about a high heart rate.

Doc, you better go get that dickhead for me.

Wait.

He didn't hear any of this, did he?

Dammit…

Every time he opened his eyes and saw the pristine white ceiling, he kept having to remind himself that this wasn't the afterlife.

Though it wasn't hard to believe he was on the verge with the damn tube down his throat.

He'd found out from one of the nurses that he'd been in a coma for three days, and that he'd surprised everyone when he regained consciousness earlier than expected. Whether that meant they didn't expect him to wake up, he didn't want to know.

The specialists had come around that morning and explained they'd be trialling him off the ventilator tomorrow. It was the most uncomfortable sensation he could possibly think of; all he could taste was disinfected plastic, and he gagged violently if he forgot to relax and allow the machine to do its work.

He gazed at the doorway, disappointed to see it was once again empty. He'd seen more of the medical staff than his own family. Whether he was supposed to be disappointed or grateful for this, he wasn't sure, but he would've liked to have at least seen his mom.

I'll pretend they came by while I was out.

All he knew was that every time he shifted his gaze, he would see Doc perched in the visitor's chair. Sometimes he had fallen asleep in an awkward position, others he was buried in a fancy-looking journal. But he never failed to squeeze Marty's hand and distract him from the pain with updates and prattling on his latest projects.

There was so much he needed to tell people, yet that information would remain trapped in his throat as long as the ventilator was in place.

How Needles and his gang had ambushed him on the way to Doc's lab.

How they'd stomped on his neck and squashed his trachea while stabbing him with broken glass.

The mini-blackouts he'd experienced as the brass knuckles made contact with his face and crushed his jawbone.

The whoops and cheers that had filled his ears while he was drowning in his own blood.

For now, he settled into the warm comforts of the hospital blankets and slightly-understuffed pillow. Gives me more time to choose my words, I suppose.

[oldmanatom]

A Locked Tomb Fanmix But It’s All Classic Country

this exists entirely because one night the thought “but what if i made a Locked Tomb fanmix with only classic country songs” popped into my head, unprompted, and i thought it was too hilarious to not do.

the art on the cover is done by @starfleetofficial​​, who this mix is also dedicated to. thank you for recommending me these books, continuously “yes, and”ing my semi-coherent TLT messages sent at 5 in the morning, and being so supportive about this idea. (also check out her version, A HtN fanmix but it’s all Fiona Apple!) the cover design is referencing the famous Marty Robbins album, Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs.

my one listening note: this will probably be more enjoyable if it’s approached with an open mind and an expectation that it’s taking itself about as seriously as the official fanmixes do.

see below the cut for a song list and some lyric excerpts.

this mix has implicit spoilers for both Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth.

Gideon the Ninth mix: youtube / spotify / full res cover Harrow the Ninth mix: youtube / spotify / full res cover full mix: youtube / spotify / full res cover

Gideon the Ninth:

1. Johnny Paycheck, “Take This Job And Shove It”

You better not try to stand in my way 'Cause I'm walkin' out the door Take this job and shove it I ain't working here no more

2. Dolly Parton, “When Someone Wants To Leave”

It's a sad situation I must say When someone wants to leave as bad as you want them to stay

3. Loretta Lynn, “I’m A Gettin’ Ready To Go”

I'm gonna praise my savior's name everyday that I'm livin' Glory hallelujah I'm not ashamed to let my salvation show This old world's just my dressin' room and I'm a gettin' ready to go

4. Waylon Jennings, “I Ain’t Living Long Like This”

I tried to run but I don't think I can You make one move and you're a dead man friend Ain't living long like this Can't live at all like this, can I baby?

5. Loretta Lynn, “This Haunted House”

This haunted house I'm livin' in is killing me And the ghost of your love won't set me free Each morning finds me crying and alone In this haunted house we used to call our home

6. Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty, “After The Fire Is Gone”

We know it's wrong for us to meet But the fire's gone out at home And there's nothin' cold as ashes After the fire is gone

7. Loretta Lynn, “How Long Will It Take”

(How long will it take?) How long will it take to make you want me How much longer has this old heart gotta break (How long will it take?) How long will it take to make you need me I keep a waitin' and a wonderin' how long will it take

8. Stonewall Jackson, “Don’t Be Angry”

Maybe someday you're gonna hurt me I've been hurt in love before Only God can know And time alone will tell

9. Dick Curless, “A Tombstone Every Mile”

It's a stretch of road up north in Maine That's never ever ever seen a smile If they'd buried all them truckers lost in them woods There'd be a tombstone every mile

10. Johnny Paycheck, “(It Won’t Be Long) And I’ll Be Hating You”

Lately life with you has been unbearable All my faith in you has gone and I know it won't return I did everything to make you happy I could do Now you've gotten me hatin' things I used to love to do And it won't be long and I'll be hatin' you

11. Norma Jean, “Let’s Go All The Way”

All the way means happiness living side by side Halfway means a heartbreak if one of us should lie Just give me a clue that you love me too Hold me in your arms and say “Oh, let’s go all the way”

12. Loretta Lynn, “Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven”

Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die Lord, I wanna go to heaven but I don't wanna die Though I long for the day when I'll have new birth Still I love the livin' here on earth Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die

13. Homer & Jethro, “She Made Toothpicks Of The Timber Of My Heart”

She was seasoned, I was green Yes my darling lumber queen Wound me ‘round her finger like a clinging vine

14. Patsy Cline, “The Heart You Break May Be Your Own”

You'll look around and when you've found That you are all alone Then you'll get wise and realize The heart you break may be your own

15. Buck Owens, “I’ve Got A Tiger By The Tail”

Well every night you drag me where the bright lights are found There ain't no way to slow you down I’m as 'bout as helpless as a leaf in a gale And it looks like I've got a tiger by the tail

16. Charley Pride, “All I Have To Offer You (Is Me)”

Before you take another step, there's something you should know About the years ahead and how they'll be You'll be living in a world where roses hardly ever grow 'Cause all I have to offer you is me

17. Faron Young, “Live Fast, Love Hard, Die Young”

I wanna leave a lot of happy women A-thinkin’ pretty thoughts of me I wanna live fast, love hard, die young And leave a beautiful memory

18. Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner, “The Last Thing On My Mind”

I've got reason a plenty for goin'      This I know, this I know The weeds have been steadily growin'      Please don't go, please don't go

Are you going away with no word of farewell Will there be not a trace left behind I could've loved you better, didn't mean to be unkind You know that was the last thing on my mind

19. Marty Robbins, “The Master’s Call”

I felt the end was near, that death would be the price When a mighty bolt of lightning showed the face of Jesus Christ And I cried “oh Lord forgive me, don't let it happen now I want to live for you alone, oh God these words I vow”

Bridge: Lefty Frizzell, “Long Black Veil”

She walks these hills in a long black veil She visits my grave when the night winds wail Nobody knows, nobody sees Nobody knows but me

Harrow the Ninth:

1. Hank Williams, “I’ll Never Get Out Of This World Alive”

Every thing's against me and it's got me down If I jumped in the river I would probably drown No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive

2. Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris, “Those Memories Of You”

In dreams of you, my body trembles I wake up and call your name But you're not there, and I'm so lonesome Without your love, I'd go insane

3. Hank Snow, “I Don’t Hurt Anymore”

I don't hurt anymore, all my teardrops are dried No more walking the floor with that burning inside Just to think it could be time has opened the door And at last I am free I don't hurt anymore

4. Patsy Cline, “Stop The World And Let Me Off”

Oh, stop the world and let me off I'm tired of goin' round ‘n' round I played the game of love and lost So stop the world and let me off

5. Charley Pride, “Lie To Me”

Oh, lie to me, say you love me Tell me I mean the world to you It would mean so much, I'd be so happy And it's the least you can do

6. Hank Snow, “Ninety Miles An Hour (Down A Dead End Street)”

Warnin' signs are flashin' by us but we pay no heed Instead of slowin' down the pace we keep picking up the speed Disaster's gettin' closer every time we meet Doin' ninety miles an hour down a dead end street

7. Patsy Cline and the Anita Kerr Singers, “I Can’t Forget”

Where are you, darlin'? Are you with someone new I can't forget you I'll always be loving you

8. Lynn Anderson, “If I Kiss You (Will You Go Away)”

You're so much hurt I wish you wouldn't stay If I kiss you will you go away?

9. Connie Smith, “Once A Day”

Once a day all day long And once a night from dusk till dawn The only time I wish you weren't gone Is once a day, every day, all day long

10. Charley Pride, “Just Between You And Me”

But just between you and me I've got my doubts about it 'Cause just between you and me You're too much to forget

11. Buck Owens, “Hello Trouble”

A comin' up my sidewalk Just as plain as day A well a here come trouble that I never thought I'd see When you went away

12. Loretta Lynn, “Fist City”

You'll bite off more than you can chew If you get too cute or witty You better move your feet if you don't wanna eat A meal that's called Fist City

13. The Davis Sisters, “I Forgot More Than You’ll Ever Know”

You think you know the smile on his lips The thrill at the touch of his fingertips But I've forgotten more Than you'll ever know about him

14. Kitty Wells, “Pick Me Up On Your Way Down” (Charlie Walker’s version is on the Spotify playlist)

When you learn these things are true I'll be waiting here for you As you tumble to the ground Pick me up on your way down

15. Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty, “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly”

And that's the reason that my good looks and my figure is gone      And that's the reason I ain't got no hair to comb And you're the reason our kids are ugly, little darling

16. Loretta Lynn, “Who Says God Is Dead”

If I were you I'd kneel and pray 'Cause we're not promised one more day Remember blood was shed Who says God is dead?

17. Patsy Cline and The Jordanaires, “Imagine That”

Can you believe I'd swallow my pride (Well yes, yes, I guess you can) 'Cause you know you've always had my foolish heart Right in the palm of your hand, oh

18. Jody Miller and Johnny Paycheck, “Let’s All Go Down To The River”

Jesus is the man at the river And he's washing people's sins away He can save your soul if you give him control Oh be ready for that judgement day

19. Bobby Bare, “Dropkick Me, Jesus”

Make me, oh, make me, Lord, more than I am Make me a piece in Your master game plan Free from the earthly temptation below I've got the will, Lord, if You got the toe

20. Lynn Anderson, “Heaven’s Just A Sin Away”

Devil's got me now Oh, gone and got me now I can't fight him anyhow I think he's gonna win

Heaven’s just a sin away Oh, just a sin away Heaven help me when I say I think I’m givin’ in

21. Loretta Lynn, “Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed”

I'm gonna search everywhere that you might be When I find you I'm a bringin’ you home with me I want you out of my head And back in my bed Before the morning comes

22. Johnny Cash, “Big River”

Now, won't you batter down by Baton Rouge, River Queen, roll it on Take that woman on down to New Orleans, New Orleans Go on, I've had enough, dump my blues down in the gulf She loves you, Big River, more than me

Now I taught the weeping willow how to cry, cry, cry And I showed the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky And the tears that I cried for that woman are gonna flood you, Big River And I'm gonna sit right here until I die

[szivtalan]

WIP roundup

I got tagged by @izukillme I love ver!!!

I’ve been talking a Lot about my wips recently but I’m going to go ahead and try to search for some that I haven’t mentioned yet!

little drummer girl au: another Generation Kill piece, based on the 2018 miniseries called Little Drummer Girl. Ray gets caught up in international espionage shit, and Brad is the handsome tall spy that kidnaps him and falls in love with him.

stripper kagami au: even though it doesn’t have a doc yet, this is very dear to me. Basically I had this idea while watching Magic Mike, that Actually, Kagami would be great at this, which then made me think about Kagami in the US being outed to his dad and being cut off from his wealth, dropping out of college because he doesn’t make the first draft and therefore loses motivation, and being scouted as a stripper at a gay bar, because guess what basketball gives a person: an impeccable sense of rhythm. The chain he’s working for opens a new bar in Tokyo, and he conveniently forgets to tell his friends that he’s back (out of shame for not making it and well, he believes his profession isn’t exactly...noble) - but then, Aomine and Kuroko happen to stumble into the bar he’s now the lead dancer in, and AoKagaKuro ensues. One of his top performances is a dance in a basketball outfit to the Space Jam theme tbh.

untitled the walking dead fic: I’ve had this idea for Years, and it’s so vivid that I’m almost entirely sure I did have a wip somewhere that got lost between switching fandoms and updating PCs, but it’s basically the “Rick wakes up from the coma and realizes it was all just a nightmare” take with a twist; Rick starts seeing his survivor friends in his real life. He meets Carol while grocery shopping, Andrea on the station, runs into T-Dog on the street.... and Daryl shows up on the side of the road, coming out of the woods with his bike broken down every day on his daily commute. In the end, Rick wakes up again, this time in a barn with Daryl, bleeding out and about to get ambushed by zombies.

untitled true detective fic: it’s really just older Rust/Marty domesticity. Marty wakes up from a nightmare and Rust consoles him. Also, Rust is trans.

untitled akakuro fic: Yeah I know, I really can’t stand this ship, but also it really intrigues me. How Kuroko falls victim to Akashi’s manipulation tactics despite being such a strong character, and how Akashi has some sort of fondness for him even if he fully just uses him to his own advantage. Because that’s what Akashi does. Loosely based on the emotional manipulation and domestic abuse I saw in the 2020 movie I’m Thinking Of Ending Things.

untitled royai oneshot: That Time Roy Was Forced To Burn Riza’s Back And Both Of Their Feelings About It. It’s truly a crime that I’ve never actually written anything for these two.

"A Study In Hotch" Psychological Evaluation of Hotchner, Aaron SSA: it’s a partly published wip and tbh I don’t think I’ll ever go back to it, but Hotch has been my favorite in Criminal Minds, and I found that his character is criminally - hah - underrated, so I took it up on myself to write a character study. I elaborated on his fucked-up childhood and abuse, gave him some Feelings, made him bi (which is where my ao3 name comes from) and made him sleep around a bit. With friends. Cause that’s healthy.

I’ll go ahead and tag @bakugoukatsuki-rising @homiro @theshinsun @runn0ft and if you’re a mutual who writes fic, DO IT

[haydnfleury]

Flatline

**MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH DISCLAIMER**

Who: William Nylander, Zach Hyman

Type: Dark Fic

Word Count: 2.4K

Addendum: Title is from the song Flatline off the Hotline Miami soundtrack.

~AO3 Version

 The next morning seemed like any other winter morning in Toronto. Frost forming on the windows from the dropping temperatures, the sound of early morning traffic on the streets below, and the alarm blaring its usual tone. Except, something’s different. Wrong.

 “I love you Zachy.”

 “I love you too Willy.”

 They kissed and held each other closely under the covers, beginning to fall asleep.

 The next morning seemed like any other winter morning in Toronto. Frost forming on the windows from the dropping temperatures, the sound of early morning traffic on the streets below, and the alarm blaring its usual tone. Except, something’s different. Wrong. Zach is usually the first one to get out of bed anyway, but Willy doesn’t seem to have woken up like he always has when the alarm went off before practice- in fact he doesn’t seem to have moved at all from where he was the night prior.

 “Honey?” Zach asks trying to shake him awake.

 Nothing. A little louder and harder this time- nothing. Starting to panic, Zach bursts into the closet digging around for their travel suitcases. After having thrown half of the clothes out, he finds them, and grabs a small hand-held mirror from the toiletries bag. Holding it under Willy’s nose the glass starts to fog up. Good, he’s not dead at least.

 Zach hurriedly throws on some clothes and phones up emergency services, as well as the new coach and several teammates. EMT’s arrive within five minutes of him calling, and rush Willy out to the ambulance, constantly monitoring his dangerously low vitals on the way to the emergency room.

 By the time he was stabilized and Zach was let into the room, the entire team had arrived, bleary-eyed from sleep but still quite visibly concerned. The doctor began to explain that he suffered from a stroke sometime in the early hours of the morning, and that he was stuck in a coma. The rest started to become a blur as Zach got lost in his own thoughts, How did he get a stroke? We’re both too young for-- When is he going to wake up-- Is-- is he going to wake up? Please don’t leave me like this. I don’t--

 The thoughts are interrupted by Mitchy’s hand on his shoulder.

 “Hey, are you okay?”

 When he looks up the doctor had already left, and everyone was looking at him, all with the same question on their face.

 “I. I don’t know,” is all he can manage to say, he doesn’t really know the answer to that himself yet.

 “In light of events this morning, we’ll move practice to tomorrow,” Keefe decides and everyone nods in agreement, “Hyman, take the week off if you need it, I won’t think any less of you if you need more time off.”

 Outside in the ward, they start to hear a growing chatter, and the clattering of equipment. The Media.

 “Oh boy, already? I need to go take care of this. John? Do me a favour and call Kyle, have him restrict the media for injury protocol.”

 And with that the coach goes out and closes the door behind him, and Tavey steps into the bathroom to make his phone call. Zach pulls a chair over to the bedside and sits down, grabbing Willy’s hand. At this point he can’t hold back, lowering his head onto his hand and bed underneath it, as the tears start to break through.

 Mo makes his way over and puts his arm around Zach. Mitchy is suddenly reminded of his own boyfriend, Marty, being suddenly taken away from him when his plane crashed on his way back from the off-season, and starts tearing up. Tys pulls him into a hug and lets him cry into his shoulder. Everyone else in the crowded room just looks on solemnly.

 Zach stays at the hospital for three days. Initially Tavey steps up as captain and visits them first, bringing Zach food each day so he’d remember to actually eat. Everyone else visits in their own time.

 After the third day Zach returns to practice, something to hopefully take his mind off of what’s going on. It works well enough, returning to drills and playing on the first line for games. Focus. Focus on something else. The team. The game. Getting that puck into the net. Focus.

 It’s been three weeks since that cold morning. Zach’s thoughts are composed enough now, and they’re in the middle of a game at home. He’s in a face-off when he sees Kyle entering the player bench on the phone, they’ve been discussing different trade opportunities lately- a Marlie or two for a player from one of the other teams- so he doesn’t think much of it. When the play ends though to an off-side, he calls a timeout. Yeah, they’re losing 5-2, but they’re still in the second period, so they shouldn’t need it yet right?

 But when they all come together, there’s no whiteboards, no iPads, no talk of plays or strategies. Keefe seems to have lost his tongue, shuffling in place, so Kyle speaks up.

 “He’s gone. William. He’s gone.”

 It’s dead silent on the bench, aside from the few who had dropped what they were holding, and Zach’s world seemed to be crashing down along with them.

 “It was about four minutes ago, I had just got off the phone with the doctors. We um, we’ve decided to forfeit the game; I don’t think any of you wants to continue playing now.”

 Nobody seems to have the strength to respond. But they all stand up and make their way down the tunnel to the locker room while Kyle radios to the staff to forfeit, and block all media personnel from the Leafs’ sections of the building. When they’ve all dressed and make their way to the parking garage Zach is the first person to even say a word since Kyle told them.

 “Morgan, can you drive me home? I can’t really think straight.”

 He agrees and, and he’s not exactly wrong. At the moment everything is just noise, bright and blurry colours, and the cold air; he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between 60 km/h or 150 km/h, or a red light on an intersection with a car coming from the other direction. Not to mention the fact he couldn’t bring himself to drive in their car, knowing Willy would never be in the passenger seat again.

 When they get to Zach’s apartment, he fumbles with the keys to get the door open. But seeing their home, *his* home now, makes his stomach churn. He bolts nearly through the bathroom door and pukes his guts out in the toilet. Composing himself, he gets himself back up and washes his mouth out in the sink, as his mind becomes a tempest of emotions: anger, frustration, despair, guilt.

 As he looks in the mirror, the anger takes over and he punches the glass with his hand, cracking it, and drawing blood from his knuckles before he collapses against the wall, bending his legs towards him and crying. The sound of breaking glass had Mo rushing over to see what happened, only to see the shattered reflections, and his teammate in tears on the floor.

 “Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay,” he bends down and then notices the blood, “shit, we better fix that.”

 Having been to their place enough times, Mo knew his way around, and so he dug through the cabinet to find the first aid kit. First examining the hand, then grabbing the tweezers to pull out the remnant shards of glass. Switching to a piece of cloth and wetting it with alcohol, he cleans the wound. It draws a sharp, pained breath from Zach.

 “Sorry, I know this probably hurts like hell,” once it’s cleaned, he wraps it tightly.

 He manages to get Zach ready enough for bed and sits on the couch, figuring he should probably stay and keep an eye on him for a while. Meanwhile Zach tries to sleep, but his thoughts are racing. He’s gone. William. He’s gone. - I love you Zachy. That’s the last thing I ever heard him say… and I can’t ever hear his voice again, or see that smile of his, the deepness of his eyes, his- his- his fucking laugh that could brighten an entire room. - Why wasn’t I there… Why- why him? Why do bad things happen to good people? It- it should’ve been me, not him, never him. I- I can’t- I’ll never be able to feel his touch again, never be able to hold him- I- I-… his thoughts trail off, and he’s whisked away to sleep.

 In the morning the tears are gone. There aren’t any left. Period. In its wake is just emptiness. A void which can’t be filled. Mo had made breakfast for them by the time Zach got out of the bedroom. They eat in near silence, Mo tries several times to say something, but can’t find the right words to say. All he can think of is “I’m sorry,” which the only response he gets is Zach looking up at him before looking back at the food.

 That night, he tries drinking his problems away. Forget. Just forget. It works for a while, but it always comes flooding back in the morning. The time they visited Niagara Falls with the team, when they were on the Ferris wheel together, the first time they kissed literally during a game, moving in together when his lease on the last place ended, all their date nights, the stroke-- he stopped. What was the point if it was only temporary.

 The funeral services had been arranged by Tavey and Kyle, it was an extremely private ceremony, attended by teammates and the bereaved family. Zach was quite visibly a wreck, but no one was really much better. It had shaken up everyone, he was more important to everyone than they had even realized. Zach managed to speak in basic Swedish that he learned from Willy to his family. David [Pastrnak] also showed up to mourn, on the verge of quitting his career in hockey- he just lost one of his oldest friends.

 Within the week, a joint statement was released by Kyle and Keefe about the death, to a shocked nation. Everywhere, from Los Angeles to Halifax, or Vancouver to Miami, almost every major city in Canada was pouring in support and remembrance. Everywhere Zach went, he would see some calibre of remembrance on a poster, billboard, or bus- a constant reminder, He’s gone.

 Cigarettes was the next thing he tried, but to no avail. He had felt the exact same as before after one, and so he threw the rest back into a drawer to be forgotten.

 The team had taken nearly a month away from playing, but had gotten back to it. But it wasn’t the same. You lose a player they’re usually either traded or retired. Their place in the lineup or their stall in the locker room would be changed out, but they’d still be around, just not under the same colours. Not this time. No team would ever have him again. The players just keep moving forward, it’s all they can do, but the thought always lingers in the back of their minds.

 Mo didn’t intend to, but he effectively moved in with Zach until he thought it was fine for him to be alone, besides Gards would keep their place up until then. It never really improved though. Zach would just go through the motions. Get up, eat, practice, sleep. Get up, eat, play, sleep. Repeat. He could definitely still score, and help the team, but the celebrations never had the same feeling. There was always someone missing that would never come back, and be on the ice, be on the lineup. Life had started to lose it’s luster, and nothing changed that. Get up, eat, practice, sleep. Get up, eat, play, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

 Time didn’t seem to have a meaning anymore either. It could be seconds, days, weeks, or months, Zach couldn’t tell the difference. It was always the same cold, dark world that it was yesterday. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. He’s gone. He’s fucking gone.

 Was there any emotion left? No one knew. Everyone was consoling each other, but Mo, he didn’t know how to help. He’d never lost someone that close to him, Gards was there and waiting for him to come home. He did what he could, but even before starting to talk to a therapist he could see Zach was a husk of what he used to be. Everything was cold. Cold and dark, all of it a blur.

 Mo was already asleep on the couch, and Zach in bed when the city’s power grid failed and plunged the Greater Toronto Area into darkness. Zach walked out of the bedroom and through to the veranda, and sat on the railing. He looked up. Stars. It felt like eons since he last saw them. There’s something. A memory. Faint, but still there. Willy. When they both joined the Leafs in 2016, Zach was lost. It was a new place, new people, new everything. Willy was one of the first people he met. Willy had been to and from Toronto so many times as a kid with his father, he knew the area well. One of the first things they did together was drive out to a spot Willy would always go to. Since he was a kid, there was always this one place outside the city he would go to. It was a secluded little clearing where at night you could see the stars above. They had become friends quickly after that. It felt like centuries ago now though.

 Zach can’t feel anything anymore. He could be falling, but he doesn’t know. He swears he could hear someone calling his name, but it seems so far away and distorted. He doesn’t bother opening his eyes to check, everything is cold and dark, and the world around him is the same, there’s no point to. I love you Zachy. I love you too Willy. He feels like he hears that being said again, but it’s coming from everywhere, and nowhere. Then, nothing. Oddly, it becomes warm, warmth he hasn’t felt in who knows how long it’s been now. He feels something touch him. It’s familiar, yet completely foreign.

 “Zach.”

 Willy. Zach actually has the willpower to open his eyes now. Willy is pulling him up. He feels oddly weightless, and disorientated. He’s on the sidewalk. He tries to look behind to where he was but Willy holds his head with his hand and stops him.

 “Don’t.”

 He stops. By now he notices they’re both hovering off the ground.

 “Are we dead?”

 “Afraid so.”

 Willy moves over to the side of Zach and holds his hand as they both float away.

 “Where are we going?”

 “I don’t know, but I waited for you. Wherever it is, we’ll find out together.”

 “I love you honey.”

 “I love you too, forever and always.”

[distant-rose]

A Once and Future Thing Epilogue (7/7)

Notes: After moping around about not being able to write, I got a nice kick in the pants and lovely coaxing from @optomisticgirl and finally had the strength to write the last bit of OAFT. It’s not a perfect ending and there’s a few loose ends but that’s life and this was never going to be something that would be solved over night and it hasn’t. I just feel it’s a good place to end this particular tale. I might write about Jim and Beth’s reconciliation later but I felt considering the connection between Beth and Killian, this interaction would be a better epilogue. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. A special thank you to @katie-dub, @welllpthisishappening, @shireness-says and @optomisticgirl for constantly listening to me whine and complain about this dumb ass fic. Summary: Beth’s quest for vengeance against her boyfriend’s killer goes a bit haywire when she and her former best friend Jim Hawkins are sent into thirty years into the past. Now, they must figure out how to find a way back to the future without wrecking the first meeting between Beth’s parents, Emma Swan and Killian Jones. Rating: T+ Chapters:  One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Epilogue | Coda I Word Count: 3,500+

Two years and six months later...

It had been three years since Beth Jones had seen the Storybrooke Harbor but the sight of it was so familiar that tears nearly burned in the corners of her eyes. It seemed as if nothing had changed, as if time had stood still once more, since she had taken the Jolly Roger as her own, leaving the sleepy town and her family behind in order to slay Circe of Aeaea.

It was five-thirty in the morning on Saturday in late September and there was not a soul to be seen, not even one early morning fisherman. Beth preferred it this way. It allowed her to dock the Jolly without the awkwardness of human interaction. She still  wasn’t certain she was going t be able to handle the amount of gawking and squawking that would inevitably happen as soon as her return was discovered. She needed a moment to herself, a second to gather what little sense she had left and settle herself.

 As she went through the motions of docking maintenance and procedure, she watched the sun rise over the ocean with a soft smile. It helped somewhat relax her fraying nerves. She had been fraught with anxiety since she set sail and it was nice to have a small reprieve from the oppressive weight that had been pressing down on her shoulders.

However, the sense of calm she held was fleeting. The heaviness returned as her feet hit the dock, alongside a slight tremor in her fingers and an uncomfortable tightness in her belly. She let out a shaky breath, brushing her overgrown bangs out of her face and tucking them behind her ear.

She could do this.

She had to.

Beth was many things, but she had never been a coward and she wasn’t going to start now. Her list of sins was long enough as it was.

She stood for a moment, drinking in the sight of the marina and listening the ocean lap against the sides of each vessel. It was amazing just how little had changed in three years, including the sight of her old ship, the Cygnus, which was docked on the other end of the harbor.

The longer she stared at it, the more she trembled. There was a yearning inside her, an invisible rope that had bound itself around her and was tugging her towards the old ship Jim had given her all those years ago. The old girl looked like the rest of Storybrooke, untouched and simply waiting for her.

Thoughtlessly, she walked towards it; emotion twisted her stomach with every step. She was home but hadn’t truly sunken in yet. She had dreamed about being back in Storybrooke so many times before and a part of her was scared that she was going to wake up back in Montressor, still a realm away from the ones she had left behind.

And that was the kicker.

She had left them behind without so much of a goodbye or even a backwards glance. She had no idea what her family would say when they saw her or even if they wanted to see her at all. She couldn’t imagine that they would be too happy about the near three years of radio silence and she wasn’t certain she was emotionally prepared for that or for anything for that matter.

As she reached the dock where the Cygnus was moored, she was shocked to see that a gangplank had been placed down. She stared at it in a mixture of confusion and apprehension. Someone, more likely than not her father, was on the ship. She couldn’t imagine anyone, especially in her family being so careless as to leave a gangplank down if there was no one on board.

There wasn’t a soul crazy enough in Storybrooke to steal a ship…unless, of course, their name was Beth Jones.

She let out another heavy sigh and squared her shoulders. She was made of iron, the same hardened steel as the blade she carried. She wasn’t afraid of anyone.

Not even her father…

Who she hadn’t seen in three years…

Aside from her stint as Marty McFly.

(She wasn’t sure that counted.)

Tentatively, she walked onto the gangplank to board the ship. The old wood creaked and protested under her weight, complaining noisily with each step. Her heart hammered somewhat awkwardly in her chest; faster and slightly out of pace. It had been in her chest in nearly four months now, but it still felt strange and uncomfortable. The twin discomforts of her newly housed heart and her near-crippling anxiety made her feel like live grenade; ready to explode at any second.

As soon as she was halfway up the gangplank, she was greeted with a loud bark. The sound nearly paralyzed her as the Swan-Jones family dog Black Spot came trotting down from the quarterdeck. Her tail wagged vigorously as she spotted her. Black’s muzzle was now nearly white, and she was limping, but it was clear that despite her advanced age, she was still in good health and recognized Beth as one of the many children who used to antagonize her.

Without even thinking about it, Beth went down on her knees and outstretched her arms, making loud kissing noises. It came to her as natural as breathing. The old black lab quickened her pace and nearly attacked her face with hearty licks. Tears streamed down Beth’s cheeks as her arms curled around the dog, fingers digging into the grizzled coat. She stroked Black’s fur with violently shaking hands as she returned the dog’s kisses with some of her own, crying loud ugly sobs as she did so. A squall of emotion was storming inside of her and try as she might, she couldn’t seem to hold it at bay.

She was home.

“So, the prodigal daughter returns.”

Beth froze, not even bothering to chastise Black when she licked a little too close to her mouth for her likening. She looked up from her dog to meet her father’s eyes.

Killian Jones was no longer the cunning and opportunistic pirate that Beth had met two years ago when she had traveled into the past with Jim. His hair was a light shade of silver and there were more than a few lines in his face, but he was still handsome. There was a lot more bulk to his frame, no longer the slender man of his youth but Beth wouldn’t categorize him as chunky yet. Instead of pirate leather, he was wearing a ratty old t-shirt that had ‘Storybrooke Football’ emblazoned on the breast pocket and a pair of black jeans covered in wood varnish and had a few holes that were more obviously more accidental than style.

This Killian Jones wasn’t Captain Hook.

This man was her father.

Beth stood up stiffly, ignoring Black’s whine. A part of her wanted to run over and hug him, but she wasn’t sure how to interact with him anymore. She teetered on the spot, still emotionally fraught and unsure what to do.

“Yeah…” she said dumbly, her hand instinctively going to her right ear and scratching at it nervously.

“It’s been awhile.” His remark held a casual air but there was nothing casual about the intense look in his eyes as he regarded her. “I was wondering if you were ever going to show up. I figured you would someday if you weren’t dead. On the worst days, I thought you might be…but your mother was kind enough to remind me that you’re more like me than her and that you’re a survivor…which as you can imagine, wasn’t really that reassuring…but I think your grandmother’s philosophy is a bit infectious because I never lost hope…”

“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Beth said honestly.

“I don’t expect you would,” Killian said, sweeping over her with his eyes. When his younger self had done it, it had been lecherous, and she had felt a bit dirty. This time it was done out of obvious paternal concern, but she stiffened more nonetheless.

After a moment, he spoke again.

“How old are you?” he asked quietly.

As she did with any conversation where she was uncomfortable, Beth opened her mouth and a smart-ass response came out.

“Really Dad? I leave for a few years and you forget how old your only daughter is?”

He scowled and gave her an unimpressed look. Beth watched his hand curl into a fist at his side. She knew he wouldn’t do anything with it, but it was telling sign that she kicked a hornet’s nest as per usual.

“You and I both know that there are realms where there is no such thing as time and you can remain there ageless,” Killian replied. He licked his bottom lip, his tongue smoothing over a sore that was beginning to form. “I only ask because you look twenty-three, but your eyes look much older, love.”

“I’ve been through a lot of shit,” Beth replied after a small pause. “Shit that tends to age you, you know? I would say I went through hell, but you’ve actually been there and that would be a tad disrespectful.”

“Hell isn’t always a place, Elizabeth,” he replied softly. “Sometimes it’s a state of mind.”

Beth shifted slightly, focusing back on the dog at her feet. She bent over a bit and scratched Black behind the ears. The dog let out a pleased whining noise and leaned back in order to give Beth more room to maneuver.

“I can’t believe she’s still alive,” Beth breathed, changing the topic to something safer because she honestly wasn’t sure how much heaviness she could take. “She has to be like what? Fifteen?”

“Almost sixteen we think,” Killian responded, leaning back slightly against one of the masts. “My old lady is a tough one. She’s got a bum limb now, just like me, but she’s making the most of it. Stubborn old thing, much like your mother.”

“I don’t think Black nor Mom would appreciate being called old.”

“I suppose not, but I guess that can be our little secret.”

Another bout of silence fell between them, heavy and uncomfortable. Both of them didn’t quite know what to say to the other. The conversation so far had been like a tight rope walk, teetering and just a toe away from falling into dangerous territory. It was very clear they were both afraid to say something to set off the other. Killian studied his daughter intently, the frown lines around his mouth deepening. Beth, meanwhile, ignored his staring and moved her hand away from Black’s ear to scratch just under the collar. The old lab’s tongue rolled lazily out of her mouth as she leaned back into her touch, unaware of the tension around her.

“I’m assuming since you’re here that you managed to get your revenge,” Killian said softly.

“You assume correctly,” Beth said looking up. “Ding dong, Circe’s dead.”

He didn’t react right away. It was as if he was frozen in place. In the back of her mind, Beth wondered briefly if she should get up and make sure he was still breathing. A few seconds passed before the line of his shoulders shifted and he gave her a curt nod. Beth waited for him to speak again but he didn’t. The silence was stifling.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked, voice cracking.

“What is there to say? You accomplished what you set out to do.”

“That’s it? That’s all I get? No anger? No disappointment? No scorn? No judgment? Elation? Or congratulations? You have no reaction whatsoever?” she asked in disbelief, straightening up and looking at him with an apprehensive look.

“What would you like me to say, Elizabeth?” he asked, bringing his hand up and worrying the skin under his right eye. He looked tired and exasperated.

“Something! Anything! Yell! Shout! Laugh! Do something!”

He gave her a smile that was almost pitying. “My reaction, whether it be my anger or elation, won’t change anything, love. What is done is done. As you were so adept to point out to me the last time we spoke, you are an adult. There is very little I can do in regard to your life as you’ve very clearly shown  over the past three years.”

She flinched at his words, averting her gaze. She couldn’t bear to look him in the eye.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure you are,” he responded. She could feel the intensity of his stare. “And if it makes you feel better, I’m done being angry at you. And believe me, I was furious with you for a long time before I realized that the one person I should really be angry with wasn’t you, but rather the man looking back at me in the mirror.”

Beth’s eyes widened at his words. She whipped her head back in his direction, staring at him in shock. He was no longer looking at her but rather down at the wooden rail underneath his hand.

“What?”

“I was not a good father to you, Elizabeth.”

“What are you talking about? I loved you. You were the best father ever.”

“You see, that’s it right there. I was more concerned with the thought of you loving me than I was about teaching you to learn from my failures. I let you idolize me, idolize Captain Hook. I filled your pretty head with ideas that I was heroic…that I was a good man.” It was at this moment, he looked up and back at her. “And I am not a good man, love.”

“Dad, I know, I”— “No,” he cut her off. “You don’t know. For centuries, I committed nearly every crime imaginable and more depraved acts that you could dream of. I kept that from you because I was more concerned with you viewing me as a hero. I let my pride and greed get in the way of teaching you valuable lessons. I let you think my pursuit for revenge was noble when all it did was blacken my soul.”

“No, my sins are my sins. My bad decisions, not yours,” she whispered, shaking her head. “Besides, you don’t need to tell me you were an asshole. I kinda figured that out on my own. Turns out you and Mom aren’t the only Marty McFly’s in the family.”

“What?” It was his turn to stare at her in surprise.

“Yeah,” she laughed awkwardly. “Remember good ole Elizabeth Swann? That was me.”

She raised her hand and gave him a stiff little wave. His eyes went even wider, to the point that she thought they were going to pop out of his skull.

“That was you? I nearly killed you, Elizabeth!”

“Yeah, well, you were going to kill Mom, so I had to stop you.”

“I was never going to kill your mother. I was merely delaying until you actually came after me with lethal force! I would have killed you, if it weren’t for that navy boy of yours!”

“And yet, that was a lot less traumatizing than you hitting on me. It was really gross, Dad.”

“It’s not like I knew it was you. You weren’t born for another bloody seven years.”

“Still traumatizing.”

“Not as traumatizing as your only daughter going on a suicide mission without so much as a backwards glance.”

And just like that, all the humor and teasing she had been feeling left her like air escaping from a popped balloon. Her shoulders sagged.

“Yeah, I deserved that…”

His silence in response was deafening. An icy feeling grew in the pit of her belly and she felt it spreading, creeping slowly across her internal organs until it felt like she couldn’t breathe. Black whined, trying to get the attention back on her. When neither Killian or Beth gave her the attention she wanted, she trotted back up towards the quarterdeck; leaving father and daughter alone.

“Answer me this…” he said quietly. “Was killing her worth it all? Was it worth breaking our hearts? Stealing my ship? Committing the atrocities that you did? Darkening your heart? Was it worth it?”

“No.” The word was bitter on her tongue as tears stung at her eyes. “No, it wasn’t. I…I always thought it was going to feel good…I had been just angry and hollow for so long that…I thought when I cut her head off, it will make it go away… But when it happened… I… I felt nothing. Only tired. And even more empty. I…I haven’t been in a good place…”

“I can understand that.”

“You have no idea what I’ve done…”

“And nor do I care to,” he responded, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I don’t need that heartbreak in my life. I’ve had enough of it. But I have a very good idea, as I’ve spent centuries in that state of mind and let me tell you something...and it's something your mother taught me and that's all sins can be forgiven...but that's on you to do to the work. It's not easy road to take, but if you're willing and you put in the effort...you can get there."

“How?”

“I can’t tell you that. You have your own road as I’ve had mine. It helps when you have someone who loves you…” He said gently. “And you have a wealth of people who love you, sweetheart...you have me…and your mother…and your brothers…and your grandparents…hell, you even have your navy boy.”

“My navy boy? What navy boy?” 

“The bloody navy who was mooning over your every move back in the Enchanted Forest all those years ago. It was nauseating. It was obvious from the beginning how besotted he was for you.”

“Jim?” She hadn’t spoken his name in so long, more than two years now. It hurt more than she expected. “He’s not my navy. Never has been. Especially not now.”

“Bullshit, Elizabeth.”

“I’m serious. He doesn’t love me. That much I can tell you.” 

“I know love when I see it.”

“He left me!” Even as she said the words, her heart quaked with pain in her chest. She absently brought her hand up to massage it.

Her father fixed her with an even look.

“And you left me,” he replied. 

“That’s different.”

“How so? Did leaving us make you love us any less? Because I can tell you right now, I never stopped loving you, not even for a second and every one of those seconds without you, little love, was a knife to the heart…I didn’t know if you were alive…if you were okay…it’s a hell I don’t wish upon any parent, but there was never a minute were I stopped loving you. And I’m sure he feels the same.”

“I’m sorry,” she croaked, her heart heavy with guilt. “I’m so sorry, Daddy.”

“You’ve long been forgiven, my little minnow, but maybe you need to do some forgiving yourself.”

“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.

“Of course, you can, you love him. He wasn’t the only one mooning and even when you were with Will, like it or not, you always talked about him...You’ve loved him for a long time...And when you love someone…you love all of them…the good, the bad, the ugly…You’ve probably already forgiven him in your heart. The hesitation here isn’t a lack of forgiveness, it’s fear…You’re afraid that if you let him back in again, he’ll hurt you..”

“What do I do?”

“Well, you need to decide what you feel more – love or fear. As I’ve told you a hundred times before, a man who doesn’t fight for what he wants”— "Deserves what he gets,” she finished impatiently. “I know, I know.”

“That’s my girl,” he smiled. “You don’t need to decide any of this right away. You have time…For now…you can come home…”

“Home.” The word felt strange on her tongue, like the first time she tried pitaya fruit. “I’m allowed…?”

“You always were. You will always have a home here.”

“Mom is…Is Mom…?” She struggled to find words. “I’m scared.”

“I imagine your mother is still quite furious with you, you might be in for a slap, but she wants nothing more than to see your face again. I can’t promise things are going to be alright and that this is going to go smoothly, but we’ll be okay…eventually…someday…I promise…Just come home, love…we need you to come home.”

He stepped forward tentatively, holding out his hand. She bypassed it completely and hugged him. And though, not everything was fixed and not everything was perfect, for the first time in what felt like forever, Beth felt like everything was going to be okay. His arms went around her instantly, embracing her tightly as if he was afraid that she was going to vanish again. 

“By the way, I’m taking my ship back,” he murmured into her hair.

“Your ship?” She repeated incredulously, her words muffled against his neck. “I think you mean, my ship. I stole her fair and square.”

“We’ll discuss the merits of that over dinner, but for now, welcome home.”

And for the first time since Will had died, a true and genuine smile crossed Beth’s lips, strange and foreign feeling but hopeful.

Because her father was right.

She was home.

[itsahamandjlaur-blog]

Just, Breathe - Part 1

Summary: Pasts do not define futures if you let them. You can only move forward and hope for the best. 

Prompt:  “I just don’t think I can do this anymore”
“Who gave you the right?”
“You’re a coward you always have been” very angst Daveed x Reader or Lin x Reader, please! - Anon (the other prompts will be in the next parts I promise)

Warnings: swearing, Angst. 

words: 1,790 (give or take) 

A/N: You guys asked me for some fuck me up real good angst soo I did this? This was actually really fun to write and Marti helped me a lot with the dialog because i fucking SUCK, but I'm so happy with how it turned out. There is 100% going to be another part if you guys want it that is. So if you enjoy this please let me know so I can start working on the second half asap. Thank you for reading this, this is the first time i’ve stepped back from something and thought i actually like this. Be safe and stay lovely. I love you. - A.Ham (Gee) 

Masterlist 

Prompts 

- Flashbacks are in italics. 

_______________________________________________________________________

"Lin I can't do this on my own anymore man its time"

"what do you mean?"

"I haven't seen my wife properly in three weeks, we need another conductor on board with this. You know exactly who we need" Alex said trying to read his reaction. Once it clicked in Lin's head he started with the no's and they didn't seem to stop for a long time.

"I'm calling her, and you're going to be a man and deal with it" Alex said searching through his contacts.

"I swear to god Lac, do not call her. I haven't seen her since- since"

"Which is exactly why I'm calling her" _______________________________________________________________________

You were brought back from your lazy Sunday by your phone buzzing on the glass of your coffee table. Who would even dare ring you at 8am on a Sunday morning? You ignored it, taking another sip of your tea before returning your eyes to the book placed in your lap.

After about 3 rounds of buzzing you sighed outward and picked up the call. "this better be good" you all but shouted down the phone not bothering to look who was on the other end.  "Hi, [y/n] it's Lac, how are you?" You rolled your eyes. He was calling you early on a Sunday morning and he has the audacity to ask you how you are? "I'm fine Lac what do you want?" Your annoyance faded. "I have a proposal for you, how quick can you be at Richard Rogers?" Lac let out in a quick burst as if he was compensating for the fact that he was hiding something.

"give me 20 minutes and I'll be there. Are you going to tell me what this is about?"

"I'll explain when you get here" and with the phone line went dead before you hauled your ass off the couch to gather the contents of your handbag together.

_______________________________________________________________________

As you waltzed down the right isle of the Richard Rogers you couldn't help but let every single memory that you shared in this hall flood back to you engulfing your mind in endless memories of a time when things were so much simpler. Back then you were a carefree spirit, people use to say you would say or do anything for an easy life. As you trailed your fingers across the red velvet-clad seats you couldn't help but put a simple smile on your face as you recounted a number of times you had walked up and down these aisles on a night.

_______________________________________________________________________

Your lazy fingers drifted over the keys for the thousandth time that night, or so it felt. There was no more passion with your playing you were strictly trying to get the notes to hit in the right places so your soon to be husband would finally come home with you. As the last notes sounded out you wanted as Lin's hand floated in the air in front of him. For a split second, you complete forgot that you were running on three hours of sleep and five coffees. You watched him content with the moment, every key you hit was a direct line to what was happening in his brain as he tried to figure out what his next move was.

You ended the song with finally letting the yawn escape your lips that you had been holding in for the last four minutes of the song.

"Lin baby it's 2 in the morning, there is a puppy who needs us and a nice comfy king size with my name written all over it" you spoke softly even though the acoustics made it seem like you were up on stage yourself.

He didn't look up from his notebook for a while, scribbling more unreadable words.

"run it again, I need to figure out the last bit" you heard as you rubbed tired hands over your face.

You let out a long sigh. "If I run the last section one more time do you promise you will take me to bed?" you asked him cocking an eyebrow. This raised a smile from him. You knew that he was just trying his best to make sure everything was perfect. Days away from opening night and he was spending every waking hour figuring out what to leave, what to cut, what to add and in some case what to re-write completely.

He looked down at you with nothing but love in his eyes, the smile growing to reach either side of his face.

"I promise I will take you to bed [y/n]"

"who gave you the right to keep me here this late, my boss will have your head you know" you joked straightening out your back and letting your fingertips trace the keys in preparation.

You took a steadying breath ready to run the section one last time you looked up to find him laying straight above your head center stage.

"I am your boss remember" He quickly replied before popping his head into the hole to meet your lips to his.

_______________________________________________________________________

"hasn't lost its charm has it?" you heard a familiar voice bellow through the empty stalls, settling itself in the forefront of your mind.

"Lac!" you let out a soft giggling before being embraced by the tall figure. You stayed there on your tiptoes reaching for him for a long time before he pulled you off him, holding you at arm's length before him.

"You haven't changed a bit," he said gazing down at you. You and Lac had been extremely close ever since you nestled your way into a sweet little gig conducting on Broadway, flitting from show to show and adapting to your surroundings like you were taught. He always admired the way you felt every single string and note with every inch of you. Music was the all-consuming force in your life, your mother said ever since you were a baby smashing notes on a piano you were destined for great things.

Graduating from Juilliard and being thrown into Broadway meant you felt like a fish out of water in most places. Sure you were taught everything you could want to know and more, but the underlying feeling that you weren't meant to be this honored position so early on in your life.

You and Lac chatted a bit, while he was leading your way in the back of the theater, where the meeting room was held.

You knew he was there, probably hiding from your view. He wanted to avoid you as much as possible because 6 years passed since his fear of commitment, but he knew that you were everything but forgiving.

You felt as if you was the center of a big joke, after all. And how to blame you? Lin had asked you to marry him, and he himself, after you had said yes, was the one who called everything off. You didn't push him into asking you to marry him. It was all his idea. That's why you were angry.

It didn't allow either of you to move on. He was still madly in love and regretted every single day to have called the ceremony off, and you were left fucked in the brain: you couldn't trust a man again.

You took your seat next to Alex around the large conference table before the door opened with a core shuddering creek and in he walked. Hair down to his shoulder framing his face perfectly. You wished you could say that he hadn't changed one bit, but it was not the case.

When you worked on In The Heights with him he was the most hyperactive person that you knew. Jumping from scene to scene with ease.

He looked older, wiser, and to be quite honest it looked like he hadn't slept all god damn year. Lin's dark eyes met your light ones and it felt like the very first time that you had met him. The very first time that his eyes found yours was a memory that you would never forget for the rest of your days.

"no fucking way" he spat before turning on his heel and throwing himself towards the door like his life depended on it. Before Lin's feet could carry him out of the room and to the safety of his dressing room Alex was in front of him before he could even take a step.

"sit down, shut up, and figure it out" Lac let out through gritted teeth causing Lin to rethink his approach to the whole situation. He was kind at heart, you knew that of course. But you couldn't help but stare him down from across the room as he made his way to take a seat opposite you.

You couldn't help but roll your eyes. "Lac. why me?" you asked, desperately at the same time as lin said, "Lac, why her?" You did your best to hold your laugh because you were still angry with the boy. Even if you loved him. You were angry with him

"You need me more then I need this job, why should I come where I'm clearly not wanted?" you shot looking between the two men. Lin tried to stumble up some excuse or explanation you were not really bothered which one of the two, you were more content with watching this situation get to him.

Between his best friend challenging him and his ex-fiance sat at arm's length, the physical pain was evident all over his face.

"Guys, the sexual tension is killing me. Can you stop staring at each other?" said Lac, trying to be the adult of the situation. There was a long pause before he let out a shaky sigh and continued "I need to go home, I can't direct this show forever. I need to see my wife, spend time with my family. I am risking a divorce here. I need to catch my breath. I don't find this funny anymore. [Y/N], I need you to step in. You are the only one who gets me and Lin and Tommy"

"Alright" you gave in, there was no way you could let Alex down like this. Lin may have been tired but Lac looked like he was about at breaking point.

"What?" said both Lin and Lac at the very same time. "Alright, I'll do it," you said, your voice barely audible.

Lac hugged you while Lin almost did, but then gave you a quick nod and a sort of smile. You extended your hand to him, so he could shake it "Friends?" you said.

And in that moment, Lin's heart broke

[holbyconfessional]

Casualty S32 Episodes 8-14

Finally got caught up.  Since this is SO historical now, I’m going to put the whole lot under a cut, save dashboards!!!

Casualty S32 Episode 8

I found the COTW here pretty heartbreaking, the elderly couple with the woman dying from COPD.

Connie finally confirms to Ethan that the patient she's been discussing with him is herself.  And then proceeds to blackmail him about his role in Scott Ellison's death, in order to force him to perform an off-the-books emergency embolectomy to save her arm.  Great leadership skills!

Alicia passed her driving test, despite being a shockingly awful driver, already responsible for several accidents.  Nice.

Casualty S32 Episode 9

Nosy and unpleasant Louise has discovered Sanosi.  It gives her an excuse to be rude and aggressive to Dylan, lots.  But, don't forget folks, we're supposed to like Louise because she always does the 'right thing' in the end - in this case, spiriting Sanosi off Dylan's boat, just in time to save the day as Connie goes barrelling in, expecting to find something.

Lily is jealous of Iain and Sam's easy relationship.  She can't see that Sam is 'a lad' and Iain is so much a lad that he barely hit puberty, and frankly, she's never going to get the grown up relationship she wants from him.

A return of the transgender morgue worker, which was good - I like her.   And most of all, I loved the chat between her and Max, where he tells her all about Zoe, and how she left because she was afraid of happiness, and how he thinks about what his life with her would have been like every day.  It broke my heart a little.  You don't get chemistry like theirs every day, and I wish she hadn't left - him or the country!

Casualty S32 Episode 10

Elle and Marty.  Here is where I amuse myself with my outraged old lady rant...  Now, I'm not a single mother of three boys, but I'm pretty sure if I was, I wouldn't be having men over to shag in my house unless I was sure that a) it was a solid relationship, and b) they had met my kids in a low stress environment.  I don't deny the fact that Elle has a right to a life, including a love life, outside her role as a mother, BUT, as a mother, her kids need to come first when managing such a life, and part of that means setting an example.  In this day and age where kids learn WAY too much of their sexual knowledge from porn, I'm not sure it pays as a parent to model anything like a promiscuous lifestyle, and for her kids to come in and find a complete stranger in bed with their mother... Well... You see where I'm coming from.  On the flip side, I may not be an Elle fan, but anything that highlights any sort of relationship chances for us older women, in whatever orientation, then I say, you go, girl!

But, also in the story.  I don't know how old Blake is supposed to be, but isn't he a bit old for the 'if Mum gets a partner, I'm afraid she won't love me any more' thing?  I don't know that much about teenaged boys, but it didn't ring entirely true for me.  Going with the chilli powder being nothing more than a practical joke would have sat with me better.

Dylan. I feel really awful for him right now, as someone who doesn't forge relationships easily, he was clearly really attached to Sanosi.  Of course, he did the right thing, he's perfectly right that Sanosi could never have the life that he dreams of when always on the run and in hiding, and it was perfectly valid that Sanosi wouldn't be able to see that, and would only see how Dylan had let him down.  With Dylan's own history of OCD and mental health problems, I will be interested to see where this development drives him.  I am always happy for more Dylan on the screen.

Connie. Right, so her tumour is malignant.  Worst possible news.  And she's still burying her head.  I'm all for not rushing storylines, but I think we need to move on this one, folks.  I love Connie, and like Dylan, I am happy for her to have screen time, but dragging this storyline out much more risks losing its momentum, and for it to just become boring.   IMO!

COTW, I'm still not sure why the girl was put into care.  As a mother, if there is any risk that your partner might in any way hurt your child, don't you ditch the partner and keep the child, rather than ditching the kid??!!  I know that jury was out as to whether partner hit mother, but surely all the more reason?  Incidentally, I do appreciate how hard it is for some people to escape from domestic violence, but the mother didn't seem like an utterly downtrodden victim to me.  Comments welcome from folk who may know far more about it than I do, and no offence meant if I've shown ignorance.

Casualty S32 Episode 11

So, there's a new F1 called Rash, who pukes when he gets nervous and makes lots of mistakes.  

Lily and Iain's relationship is a little strained after her jealousy toward Sam, and Lily wants to apply for the project in Hong Kong, but after Iain comes back round and stops giving her the cold shoulder, she self sabotages her presentation so she doesn't have to make a decision.   Everything I've just said is wrong on so many levels.  I think the way Iain treats Lily is pretty vile.  He has a right to be angry over the ketchup/Sam incident, but not to give her the cold shoulder every time she doesn't behave according to his doctrine.  He's just a spoiled little brat.  And as for self sabotaging for a man, well, need I say more about the stupidness?!!  Still, good for her for finally making the right decision, even in the face of Iain's grand and embarrassing karaoke gesture!

COTW continues the theme of unhealthy relationships, with the love triangle of man leaving partner for her best friend.  Wake up, best friend, like that dude was ever going to be trustworthy!  Proven by his about face at the end.  Good for the woman to turn him away in favour of supporting her friend.  Who is still her friend, despite the attempt to run off with her man?  I'm all for sisterly support, but even I think that might be going a bit far...

Casualty S32 Episode 12

'I know what you did'!  Perhaps a wee bit childish of Max, but pretty serious overreaction from Ethan!  I hope this Scott Ellison guilt won't be everlasting, because although in reality, I'm sure it will stay with him forever, as a viewer, it's a bit like flogging a dead dog...

I was intially pleased when it was announced Sam was to return to Casualty.  And happy to see her for her first couple of episodes.  But tonight has helped to remind me just how annoying she could be.  I mean, she threw Iain's phone out of a moving ambulance window!!  In WHAT UNIVERSE could she possibly imagine that this behaviour might be acceptable??!!!  Phones aren't 50p, and people rely on them (rightly or wrongly) to live their entire lives!  I can't even begin to articulate how disgusting I think her behaviour was.  And Iain more or less let her get away with it.  Euch.

Slightly different COTW in the former abuse victim ambushing then manipulating the paedophile into holding up a store.  I think the storyline was all kinds of uncomfortable, from witnessing the psychological damage to the victims, shown in the evidence of Ocean's self harm, and the fact that she feels the only think open to her now is to mount a personal vendetta on abusers, by deliberately seeking them out through chat rooms, and attempting to force their arrests through other means.  I think the fact that she didn't seem to understand the gravity of what she had done, in terms of the safety of innocent bystanders (collateral damage?) spoke volumes to the degree of psychological trauma that she had experienced. And that is not even mentioning the presence of the paedophile himself, a father to two young children.

The other COTW was the homeless man, who had been picked up for a one night stand by someone of some seeming privilege.  I'm not sure what this story was designed to highlight - perhaps a seasonal reminder that homeless people are rarely homeless by choice, but rather caught in a cycle that try as they may, they're unable to break.  Perhaps this could have been a more powerful story if it hadn't been chosen to play against the far more hardhitting paedophile case.

Casualty S32 Episode 13

It's about time we got some closure on the Robyn/Glen storyline.  I rather enjoyed the huge flashback/fill in the gap section of this episode, I'm not saying I was ever a massive Glen fan, but it was an interesting and refreshing change.  I felt a little bad for him at how badly people treated him - on the one hand, I know he walked out on Robyn at the altar, which is an unbelievably shitty thing to do (he should have done it before 'the day' ;-)), and I really dislike people's propensity to 'know' what's best for other people - by and large, folk should have the right to make up their own mind; but regardless of all that, I think it's safe to say his heart was in the right place, and there was of course a little more to it than your average jilting.

Robyn 'He's here to hold his daughter.  Who was here to hold me through all of this?'  Selfish, selfish person, surrounded by family and friends, support on every side - Charlie and Duffy giving her and her daughter a home, everyone rushing round to be there for her at every turn.  I shake my head at her.

On the plus side, lots of 'Dee Dee' in the flashback, which was a winner. I like the mention of his past drunken reveal to Zsa Zsa about his crazy family.  Do we know much about his crazy family?  Has it been covered before?  I'm dredging my memories, but coming up blank.  If anyone does have any recollections, do tell me...

One thought I do have about this episode, which is likely highly controversial - as a non-religious person, why is Robyn getting Charlotte christened?  I could understand (although not really agree) if Robyn was a churchgoer herself, but why do it since she's not?  To cover bases?  I think that's rather missing the point of religion, no?  (This taken from E12, where Max says he doesn't know why she's doing it as she's not religious and neither is he...)  Now, I could continue talking about my opinions on this for some time, but I don't want to get soap boxy, so I shall desist.  Plus side of this part for me?  Yay, Lexy!

Casualty S32 Episode 14

So, last episode wasn't merely closure for the Robyn/Glen storyline.   Because Glen is back.  As a porter.  Short or long term, I wonder?   After all, we know his tumour hasn't been cured, although it's at bay.   Ah, well, we'll see.  Still, lots of chances to see people be unnecessarily mean to him.

Thank goodness Connie has finally started her chemo.  Ethan in charge of the ED, fairly unsurprising that he should initially make a hash of it, only to save the day!  I liked that he took Connie there, then went and collected her afterward, though.

COTWs, young boy looking after younger brother suffering from CO poisoning.  I really hoped they could stay together.

Priest with a tattoo trying to remove it because he thinks his new congregation won't like it.  Is that a thing?  I thought priests only felt guilty in the eyes of their god?  After all, if he was comfortable enough to get the tattoo in the first place, why on earth would other peoples opinion matter that much??!!