#every bird chirp ive heard has been pretty and made me smile. if those littl thangs were talking shit id be none the wiser!

[sapienthouse]

i really like bird noises but the last 2 ppl ive mentioned that to have mentioned they do too, except they find it really annoying when the birds are fighting. since when do you speak bird, huh?

[waveswordswhispers]

Joker Game Secret Santa

@marrylissa I was your secret santa! I hope you like this ^_^

Prompts: Gender bender/Modern AU

Summary: The woes of being the girlfriend of a veterinarian technician.

Otherwise known as: in which Tazaki keeps bringing home animals from work and Kaminaga suffers

I. Spring

“It’s hatching season,” Tazaki calls hurriedly over her shoulder as Kaminaga shuts the door behind herself, hunched over a small ball of fluff she’s carefully feeding with a syringe. “The shelter is overrun at this time of year.”

“So are we,” Kaminaga murmured, eyeing the other two small birds shrieking angrily in the makeshift nest sitting beside Tazaki. It means uninterrupted screeching for weeks to come, and Kaminaga thinks she should’ve bought earplugs in preparation since in hindsight, she should’ve known Tazaki had been bound to pick up on some fosters eventually. “Please don’t tell me you’re going to be-“

“Up all night?” Tazaki finishes for her. “I mean maybe not all night but most of it? They need frequent feeding.”

“I’m going to die, and so are you,” Kaminaga tells her bluntly. She has no idea how Tazaki’s going to handle her shifts at the shelter on top of the new chicks, Kaminaga herself personally cannot function properly without a decent amount of sleep. Then again, Tazaki’s always found a way. Sometimes it’s not through entirely healthy and human ways, but she finds a way. Somehow.

“We are not going to die.”

“That’s what you always say,” Kaminaga grumbles as she strides over to drop a kiss onto Tazaki’s forehead while Tazaki gently sets the chick down next to its siblings, picking up the next one, reaching for the next syringe.

“Shush,” Tazaki murmurs, gently cradling the baby pigeon (Kaminaga calls them naked birds to annoy her), “and go check on Tatsumaki and Kage for me? Please?”

Kaminaga balks at the thought of checking on Tazaki’s two pet pigeons that she’s certain have a stupid grudge against her for no good reason.

“They’re going to poop on me. And bite my toes. And yank out my hair.” She lost at least nine strands of hair last time and she still hasn’t yet managed to scrub out the stain of poo out of her favourite sweater.

Tazaki shoots her an incredulous look.

“They wouldn’t do that. They’re angels.”

“They are not.”

Tazaki is biased and the pigeons are demons waiting for the perfect opportunities to strike.

“We’re going to die,” Tazaki rasps as she rolls out of bed, her alarm for six a.m. signalling her two hour reprieve is over. “I’m going to die.”

“Do they ever stop… Making that atrocious noise?” Kaminaga buries her head under her pillow, biting back a ‘I told you so’ as the pigeons scream for food, a migraine coming up as she realizes she’s going to have to deal with screaming kids with less than four hours of uninterrupted sleep.. “Why pigeons? You couldn’t pick anything else?”

She knows she’s made a mistake when Tazaki pauses, her grin only serving to make her look slightly insane with her tired face and dark eye bags. Maybe she is insane.

Kaminaga herself is already halfway there.

“Well I mean… I could’ve picked the skunks.”

Kaminaga chokes on air.

“What?”

“I’ll keep that in mind when we go for the next round of fosters-”

“KEEP THE PIGEONS!”

II. Summer

“I thought I told you to keep the pigeons,” Kaminaga hisses through the barely cracked open door, warily eyeing the thing in Tazaki’s hands. “That’s a rat.”

“I’ve told you, it’s an opossum,” Tazaki corrects offhandedly, using a dropper to feed the ra-opossum water. “And it’s just dehydrated. It’ll only be a few days.”

“It’s a rodent. I hate rodents.”

“You hate cats more. To think of it, there was a very nice tabby up for fostering too-”

Kaminaga throws the door open, nearly shrieking. She dislikes rodents, but she hates cats even more, thanks to Hatano’s demon cat that has left more than its fair share of scars on her. Both physically and mentally.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

Tazaki laughs a bit evilly, cocking an eyebrow and goddamn, she looks hot, hair thrown carelessly into a messy bun, bright (and evil) smile dazzling but-

“I’m allergic! You know I’ll die!” Tazaki looks unconcerned, lifting a shoulder in a careless shrug.

“Psh, don’t be dramatic, that’s Miyoshi’s job. You’ll live.”

“You’re evil.” Kaminaga tries her best to look intimidating, immediately retreating when Tazaki holds the ra-opossum, up, making a move towards her.

Tazaki blows her a kiss, winking.

“I’m magical, you mean.”

Kaminaga can’t argue with that.

III. Fall

“Another… Another rat?”

“If you can’t tell the difference between a rat and squirrel, we need to book you an eye appointment as soon as possible.”

Kaminaga facepalms, taking Tazaki’s bag from her, holding the plastic bag containing Tazaki’s scrubs as far away from herself as possible. God knows what Tazaki’s gotten covered in today.

As she reaches over to ruffle Tazaki’s hair, Tazaki shifts away, ducking her head, shaking it.

“You might want to wait until after I shower, I don’t think I’ve gotten all the dog pee out yet.”

Kaminaga immediately clasps her hand back to her chest, grimacing as the scrubs brush against her pants. She’s burning those pants, she’s heard of the horrors that Tazaki often carries on her scrubs and there’s no way she’s touching clothing contaminated with anyone remotely from the inside of an animal.

“How in the name of God did you get-”

Tazaki’s smile is innocent but holds a sense of foreboding, and Kaminaga immediately cuts off her question because she’s heard more than enough horror stories.

“If you really want to-”

“I don’t. Go shower.”

As Tazaki relaxes, the squirrel (a rodent so it being called a rat isn’t far off) tucked in for the night, Kaminaga tries to braid the mess Tazaki calls her hair. The raven black locks are long and constantly tangled into each other, the knots that Kaminaga encounters enough to give her nightmares.

“Your hair is a disaster.”

Tazaki hums softly, leaning into Kaminaga’s touch, eyes shut.

“You should get a haircut. Or, you know, comb it?”

“No and no.”

“Then let me comb it.”

“Absolutely not.”

When Kaminaga makes a desperate noise, Tazaki bats her hands away from the comb.

“You posses the fineness of a turtle, actually no, that’s an insult to turtles. I will not have you yank out my hair.” Kaminaga makes another undecipherable noise that Tazaki can only interpret as offended.

“Please?” Kaminaga tries again.

“Hands away from the comb, Kaminaga.”

IV. Winter

Winter means sitting in a car at the edge of the woods in freezing cold temperature, praying that frostbite stays away while juggling cups of scalding hot coffee in an attempt to warm frozen fingers.

Kaminaga jumps and screams, nearly spilling the coffee when someone taps the window.

Tazaki snickers tiredly as she slides in, cheeks rosy red, eyes bright with exhaustion, the strands of hair that have managed to escape her hood tipped with frost.

“Fox in a trap,” she murmurs without Kaminaga prompting. “It’s pretty nasty, and it might lose a leg but it should pull through. It’s a fighter.”

Kaminaga shoves a coffee into Tazaki’s hands, starting the car while cranking up the heat. She’s still dying because it’s too cold, too cold and she needs to warm her hands or else someone is going to get into a car accident.

“That’s great but why am I here?” She curses as cold air shoots out of the vents because she forgets that the car needs to warm up first.

“Because I left my car back at the shelter and you love me.”

Kaminaga yelps as Tazaki shoves her hands down the back of her neck, ice cold hands making her squirm. By the time she’s managed to wrestle Tazaki’s hands away, Tazaki’s gloating as she flexes somewhat warmed up fingers again.

“I really wonder about that sometimes,” Kaminaga grumbles.

“You are the worse,” Kaminaga groans, shaking Tazaki weakly. “When did you replace Miyoshi to become the fox?”

Tazaki is holding two pigeons, doing her best to look innocent.

“We are not getting two more. You have seven of them already.” Kaminaga tries to be firm but Tazaki’s puppy look is really getting to her.

“But Kaminaga, Yoshi and Hinoka have been here for months.”

Kaminaga blinks.

Names.

Names.

“No,” she tries again, knowing it’s futile because if Tazaki’s already named them, the pigeons are going to end up at her house within the next week one way or another.

“Please?”

“Only if…” Kaminaga tries to get something out of this hopeless situation. “Only if you cut your hair to a more manageable length.”

Tazaki balks for a second.

“Absolutely not.”

“You can take home the other two pigeons I see hiding in your sleeves,” Kaminaga cajoles, and Tazaki snickers, the two lumps in her sleeves wriggling guiltily.

Tazaki brightens up, seeming to consider while the deal while the two pigeons that she’s been hiding in her sleeves poke their heads out, cooing softly.

She still looks unsure and Kaminaga leans forwards, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Think of the birds, Tazaki.”

A couple of Tazaki’s coworkers walk by, rolling their eyes knowingly and Kaminaga hides a smirk.

She has her weak spots, Tazaki has hers.

“Okay,” Tazaki chirps, nodding her head. “Deal.”

Kaminaga feels like she’s finally gotten a victory, however small.

“I thought. I said. Four. Pigeons. Only.”

Tazaki freezes, five pigeons tumbling from her hands, hair cut up to her chin, looking tame for once, a guilty expression pasted onto her face.

“But Kaminaga,” she starts in a pleading tone. “This one has always been bullied and I couldn’t just leave her.”

“You see her everyday,” Kaminaga deadpans, already knowing the pigeon is staying. What comes in doesn’t go out. A thing she’s learned after a couple hard lessons.

“She’s so small. And cute. She holds my heart in her cute little feet.”

Kaminaga resists the urge to facepalm. “You say that every time,” she shoots back desperately, eyeing the little black pigeon with splashes of white hopping around at her feet. It is kind of pretty. And cute.

“Please?”

Tazaki pulls another puppy face and Kaminaga feels like she’s been suckerpunched because the short hair makes it ten times as effective-

“I suppose, you’ve already signed the adoption papers. And you’ve bought the necessary supplies. And you’ve also spent months bonding with her already,” she sighs defeatedly. Tazaki nods so Kaminaga deflates, running a hand through her hair tiredly.

“Fine. What’s her name?”

Tazaki shakes her head, bending down to scoop the pigeon up, holding it up to Kaminaga’s eye level.

“I was hoping you would name her.” Tazaki sounds hopeful and gleeful, nearly bouncing up and down with excitement.

Kaminaga grins. There’s no way she’s going to let such an opportunity go to waste.

“Then… Tsundere.”

Tazaki chokes on air.

“I ta-”

“No take backs,” Kaminaga teases, ruffling Tazaki’s hair. “I’M JOKING, I’M JOKING!” she quickly amends as Tazaki’s left hand slams into her ribs, delivering a painful jab.

“Another name,” Tazaki demands.

Kaminaga clutches her side, shooting Tazaki a dirty look before looking at the pigeon again.

“Well, you are a very pretty girl, just like the woman who brought you back,” she winks at Tazaki as Tazaki rolls her eyes. “How about… Miyoshi?”

Tazaki chokes again and nearly drops the pigeon.

-

V. Aftermath

Sakuma is shaking with laughter as Miyoshi puffs up, eyes narrowed into slits.

“I am better than a bird.”

“Actually, I think the bird is smarter than you,” Tazaki shoots back, petting pigeon Miyoshi. “Aren’t you,” she coos, and pigeon Miyoshi bobs her head up and down.

“She’s married to the pigeons, not me,” Kaminaga complains, scratching pigeon Miyoshi’s back gently. “She talks with them more than she does with me.”

“Jealous?” Tazaki taunts, placing a kiss on pigeon Miyoshi’s beak.

“Where’s my kiss?” Kaminaga bypasses the question completely, Tazaki ignoring him in favour of placing a kiss on Yoshi’s head. “Tazakiiiiiii.”

Fukumoto and Odagiri look up from where they’re feeding the other pigeons as Hatano and Jitsui struggle to keep a hold of their cat.

“I hope you’re not getting any more birds,” Fukumoto comments offhandedly, eyeing the half empty coop. “These are quite a handful already.”

“We’re not!” Kaminaga announces confidently. “Right, Tazaki?”

Tazaki refuses to look at Kaminaga.

“Right?” Kaminaga presses. “Right???” Her voice gets higher and more desperate as Tazaki shifts, suddenly very interested in pigeon Miyoshi’s feathers.

“Um… Right,” Tazaki answers unconvincingly.

“TAZAKI!”

-

VI. Epilogue

“This. Makes. Thirty. Five. Pigeons.” Kaminaga eyes the gray pigeons Tazaki has in a firm grip, shaking her head resignedly.

Kaminaga doesn’t even bother complaining too much anymore. It’s a cycle that’s bound to happen.

“This one is a little sadist. Takes pleasure hopping onto people’s head to yank out hair. Loves biting until you bleed.”

“I’m calling this one Jitsui.”