#even when they're relatively normal there's still incredible harshness to them

[msvorderofoperations]

Dream journal time!

Had a few different dreams, all of which were benign, and very fun and interesting.

One involved me guesting on a comedy podcast (that doesn't exist) because I happened to be around when they started recording and they thought I was funny. The only wrinkle came when it was time to record intros, and I couldn't come up with a suitably funny non-sequitur on the spot. The odd thing was, the reason I happened to be around at time of recording was because the host and I worked on other sides of the same desk. For one, that is not really a thing that happens even in shared co-working spaces. And two, if we were working in such close proximity the host should have been familiar enough with me to know whether I'd be a good fit or not for his show.

Following that, the dream shifted to me playing a video game where I was doing co-op to kill the final boss. It was this huge, hulking, purple rage monster that needed infusions of this mutagen whenever it had had sufficient damage done to it. The difficulty was that while it was active and chasing us down, it moved impossibly fast, was very clever, and would shrug off any small amounts of damage. The fight could be made simpler if not necessarily easier by having one person post up next to the next infusion site was and waiting to unload on him as soon as he injected himself. The problem was that ammo was very scarce, and if the boss turned his attention toward the person waiting at the ambush spot, the whole plan had to be abandoned and it was all down to being able to improvise on the fly. Eventually though, we ended up beating the boss and the whole cliffhanger ending is that enough of the mutagen survives to be used by other nefarious parties, but interestingly it was a story in a wholly different medium. Which brings me to the next part of the dream.

I was watching a movie that continued the story, and it was an MCU-styled superhero flick. The protagonist was a speedster that used a pair of handguns and a basically indestructible pool cue to fight baddies. The interesting thing was that while he had a secret identity, it was that of an old butler complete with age makeup and prosthetics. But the secret identity was not to protect his personal life or those close to him, but to allow his employer to covertly gain hidden information or cheat outright at games. The employer is a mega-rich shithead in the style of Miles Bron from Glass Onion, who is mildly obsessed with old and obscure games that he likes foisting on his friends and hangers on. Instead of actually being good at these games he so enjoys, he just has to cheat because even in the nonsense narratives my brain comes up with I know that the mega-wealthy cannot ever actually be creative. Apart from the cheating aspect, the "butler" uses their powerset to act as a bodyguard and protector, but they only ever unmask and let others on to their capabilities when in the presence of the closest inner circle of their boss.

This is demonstrated early on when some braindead stunt the shithead boss pulls goes awry, and a large piece of wood basically explodes in mid-air. And the scene plays out very much like that one scene from X-Men, complete with languidly grabbing splinters and large chunks as they fly apart at ballistic speeds. Unfortunately, they miss a tiny bit of it, which hit the face of this one woman in the crowd of people present. She's ostensibly the trophy wife of one of the other rich assholes and I think it was supposed to be Charlize Theron playing her. It's a small enough thing that it only causes superficial damage, but the superpowered butler feels terrible for having let something slip. She ends up excusing herself to tend to the scratch. As a response to this lacklustre show of power, the husband lets on that he has recently acquired a small amount of the mutagen from the last dream, and plans to use it on himself. He takes a very small dose so he can stay at least visibly human, though the change has very palpable effects. He wears an eye patch owing to a missing eye, but as the change manifests, the muscles of his furrowed brows grow and snap off the strap and reveal that his eye has grown back. And just as his body begins to explosively grow in muscle mass, his wife stabs him through his back, through his heart with her bare hand, and grasps the container of the mutagen.

It turns out that she was already a super powered individual herself, but didn't have any resilience to go with her super strength. So couldn't really make any use of her powers because she would just hurt herself and would have to heal like a normal person, as also evidenced by the fact that the splinter affected her like any normal person. Her hand was messed up quite a lot, but now that she has her hands on the stuff, that is no longer going to be an issue. She had to strike now, because no one had been paying attention to her and if the change had been fully allowed to take place her husbands ongoing abuse to her would have reached inhuman levels. And now that she has the resilience to make use of her strength, she can act out any way that she wants because she knows no one can stop her.

She starts by attempting to butcher all of the hapless rich idiots around her because she had always hated all of them. But despite being woefully outclassed in terms of physical power, the butler tries taking her down anyways. Knowing that a single hit from her will absolutely put him down for good, he has to use his weapons to maintain distance from her. The guns seem to only serve to annoy her, and as time goes on she seems to be growing in strength. He then switches to the pool cue which he uses to deflect blows and once he has gained sufficient spacing, he throws it like a javelin. In the time it takes to reach her however, she is already beginning to redirect the strike. Going into super slow motion, he goes up to the cue and changes the trajectory so that it hits her in the skull, which at this speed still pierces it like a hot knife through butter. When real time resumes, she staggers, but doesn't actually go down. She takes a moment to push the cue all the way through and out the other side, and her body instantly heals, and then she looks up at him and smiles.

As the fight continues, it becomes clear that she is starting to be able to match his speed at least in her reactions if not being able to move like him. Knowing that he can't keep this up forever and she will eventually gain the upper hand if the fight keeps going, he realizes that he has to go completely chaotic otherwise she'll just keep reading his movements and parrying accordingly. This results in him spinning around like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes, before coming to a dead stop in a very specific spot where he fires both guns. One goes above him, and the other below. Both ricochet off their surroundings, before arcing back towards her. She is able to bat away the one that was in front of her, but the shot that went up hits her from behind, right in the heart. The one place she showed at the very start of this that could put her down permanently. She staggers again, but does not get back up. She falters, and as she begins to bleed out, he empties the last rounds of his ammunition into heart just to make sure.

He sees what remains of the mutagen, and grabs a ludicrously expensive bottle of whisky, smashes it into the container of mutagen and then lights the whole thing on fire. In the chaos of the fight, there have been a few injuries among the rich sycophants, but most of them are still alive including the butler's boss. Instead of assessing the situation and getting help, he just sighs and says "Fuck this noise. I'm sure you'll figure it out" and takes off at supersonic speeds. Credits roll.

And the thing of it is, I know this was a movie because I looked up what the plan was for what was assuredly a new franchise. Because having an R rated cape flick about an anti-hero speedster would actually kinda fun. But it turned out that in the immediate aftermath of the success of the film, the actor got drunk and went on social media and started shouting slurs at people of colour. So. Y'know. Obviously that didn't go forward.

[moltensmusings]

I follow some people who talk about baldurs gate 3, and the way the fandom almost largely goes out of its way to babygirl everything astarion does while refusing to give the same leniency to the far less evil characters is baffling.

I feel like Gale, Wyll, and Lae'zel are the ones who often make this the most clear. Under the cut.

Whether it's because of the glitch pre console release or just a general refusal to engage with his story, people like to paint this picture of Gale being some Narcissistic abuser who is only ever power hungry. I've seen people try and justify mystra's actions. Now even if Gale was a young adult when Mystra came to him, Mystra is his goddess. She's in charge of the weave. She had so much more power over him, student/teacher and boss/underling relationships are so looked down upon because of that inherent power imbalance. And I think there's also an implication that this is relatively normal for all versions of mystra to do to younger men.

Elminster isn't free of criticism because he actively brought a young Gale to be groomed into becoming a pawn for Mystra. Gale gets discarded by mystra for his seeming ambition and wants to move on, but is also still desperate to please her in anyway he can, and she tells him to kill himself. I don't understand how people go through his plotline and see him believing the only way he's useful is dead and then just assume he's just power hungry. Is he a bit full if himself? Yes. He's a wizard. They're like that. But he's not the worst person in the world, and he's definitely not the one people should claim as the abuser in his relationship with Mystra.

People call Wyll boring, some paint this idea of him being holier than thou/looking down on everyone around him. Since he was 17 Wyll has given his whole life to protecting people and trying to be a hero. He's self sacrificial, thrown out by his father for making a pact he only made to save the city he adores. Wyll talks so much about baldurs gate. He wants to return.

Wyll has his body altered unwillingly for doing the right thing and yet he never once regrets it. He's made into a devil, the creatures so many of the npcs and companions loathe, for his kindness. He's constantly tricked and mocked by Mizora who we know from the game was sent by Zariel to corrupt a good hearted person. Even still, Wyll is a kind and honest man. He's charming and a bit cheesy but that's fine. Wyll can be incredibly self sacrificial and stubborn in his morals, but if you're running around doing mean things to impress Astarion, you can't blame Wyll for not liking your character and judging you. He's a hero of the people, of course he'd stand with them. We also need to remember he got so heavily redone that he has barely 6 hours of in-game content now. Which is abysmal compared to everyone else.

Lae'zel was raised by a cult, a cult that spans all her people where they're taught to bow and serve a lich queen who promises them glory if they're good enough. She can be harsh and unfriendly, but we need to remember she's the one most aware of what the tadpole can do and with that in mind we know she's very desperate to get things done and cure herself. Next to astarion she's the most evil aligned origins companion, and even still so much of that is due to being brainwashed into a certain belief.

Lae'zel in canon is the youngest companion, very early 20s and it often shows. She's a skilled warrior who doesn't see the need for statements that are already obvious. She's been beaten into shape and filled with ideas that unless she's perfect as the creche commands then she is worthless. She's scared and alone in act 1 with people who most likely don't care about it the same way she does. Lae'zel is imperfect like all the other companions, but if you're willing to accept that astarion is soft under all his bluster, why can't you do the same for Lae'zel?

I don't hate Astarion, I liked him a lot my first playthrough, he was my main romance. But the way the fandom ignores that he's definitely evil in act 1 and 2 because "I just don't see him that way", how people act like he's the only character in the cast who was abused when abuse and the cycles of it are the main theme of the game, how people willfully misunderstand his ascension ending and paint it as his good one when the writers state repeatedly it's not, the way the fandom will insult and demean other characters for jabbing at astarion's trauma but applaud him when he does the same exact thing, when they ignored his racism towards gnomes and gur (which is anti Romani racism repackaged). There's also a chance that in his time, Astarion was a corrupt politician, something making his death more complicated but also adding interest to it that a lot of his fans want to ignore to make him pure.

Astarion isn't perfect, none of the companions are. And they're not supposed to be. But his special treatment by fans is becoming so incredibly tiresome to see.

[redshiftsinger]

Thiiiiis.

Speaking from experience for a minute (abuse cw, though I won't go into a lot of personal details):

When you grew up in an abusive, controlling environment and you haven't really ever experienced life outside of such environments (remember, Hornigold is also made out to be pretty damn abusive toward his underlings), you become numb to a LOT.

People with abusive parents often get into abusive relationships as adults. Not always identical ones, but when the people you're hardwired at birth to trust implicitly, your PARENTS, regularly abuse you in any way, your psyche tends to cover that dissonance by believing that the abuse your parent/s inflict on you is normal and even good and right. It's a cognitive distortion, but it's something that human psyches do.

It happened to me. And we're shown very clearly that Ed grew up in an abusive household -- his father verbally and physically abuses his mother on screen, we see Young Ed cowering against the wall in fear of his father's wrath before deciding to take action to protect his mother and himself. My parents weren't physically abusive like that, it was covert emotional abuse and controlling, isolating, and wildly excessive expectations with harsh punishments for failing to meet them, but nonetheless it set me up for some real problems as an adult getting into relationships (some of which DID end up involving physical abuse). And friendships -- yes, friendships too can be abusive, it's not always parents and SO's. Not ALL of my relationships became abusive, of course! I've had a lot of good friends and good lovers who I've lost contact with for various reasons but hold no grudges against, as well as long-term friends I'm still close with. But the ones that did... they had a much easier time sucking me in, because I'd been primed to accept controlling behavior as indicative of love, as a proxy for true intimacy (including the emotional intimacy present in a healthy close friendship -- I don't think Ed has romantic feelings toward Izzy. He doesn't need to for this dynamic to play out between them).

When you've never known anything different, it's SO easy to fall into the habit of appeasing someone who belittles and demeans you as a manipulation tactic. A child is hardwired to crave their parents' approval, and an abusive parent uses that against them. Breaking out of that pattern is incredibly hard. Even as an adult. Even as an intellectually-gifted individual -- the whole thing runs on a much more instinctive level of cognition than higher intellect. Sometimes, people who know they're smart have even less defense against emotional manipulation because they assume that their intellect protects them, but truly no one is immune. It's possible to become resistant by learning about patterns of abuse and manipulation, actively engaging critical thinking, and a healthy amount of "trusting your gut" instead of overriding it thinking "but maybe I'm just imagining things there's no objective reason not to trust this person" (though it's important to also question your gut a healthy amount, particularly if it tends to mistrust demographics rather than individuals), but raw intellect has no direct protective benefit.

It absolutely does become something that feels normal, once you've been around it for too long, and particularly if you're steeped in it through childhood and into early adulthood. Of course Ed doesn't think "wow, Izzy is such a toxic asshole, I should get rid of him". He thinks "Izzy is a jerk but that's just how people are". He thinks he's (relatively) safe because he's smart and because he's *technically* in a position of relative power over Izzy, in the part of their dynamic that's immediately apparent to outside observers. But none of that counteracts his deeply-reinforced habit of appeasing people who are mean to him in the hopes that they'll hurt him less. None of that remotely makes up for the fact that therapy doesn't exist in 1717 and he's running around with completely untreated cPTSD that he doesn't remotely understand because he doesn't have the resources of knowledge to understand it WITH. And Izzy has learned to push his buttons and use his emotions against him to make him do what Izzy wants. Even if Izzy is ham-fisted and incompetent at manipulation, he's lucked his way into a target who's been extensively primed to be responsive (or rather, reactive) to those tactics.

And Ed DOES start to see it, as he has a chance to experience an interpersonal relationship based on true respect and caring. He's not stupid, he's just never been shown an alternative before. It's been so far beyond his experience that he can barely even imagine what it might be like to be in a truly healthy and supportive environment, at the beginning of s1. But by the end of the season he recognizes Izzy's controlling bullshit for what it is, even as he falls back into thinking he has to obey to be safe. It's part of what makes his kraken arc so tragic -- he's come so close to breaking free, even with Stede gone he was able to imagine a different life for himself, and he understands now that this ISN'T just how life is. He has another frame of reference to compare to, and it makes him all the more miserable to feel so trapped. And he recognizes Izzy as his jailer so to speak, as the person keeping him where he doesn't want to be, but he hasn't quite gotten to the point of being able to stand up for himself in a truly healthy way, or trust that anyone else would have his back if he did.

I understand why people say that Izzy was not smart enough to be manipulative, but I just don't think that's a real thing. And no one is too smart to be manipulated either, even Ed.

If someone tells you something like it's true enough times, it starts to feel true. No matter how much of a genius you are or how incompetent they are. Especially if it's someone you interact with every day and think of as your only family.

Last time I said that, someone said something like "if Izzy is so terrible, why would Ed let him stay? Are you questioning Ed's judgement?" Uh, yeah. Ed's not stupid for keeping him around. This sort of thing happens all the time in real life. Ed's dad was a dick. Hornigold was a dick. At this point he's so used to having a guy around who's awful to him that it feels normal.

#21.

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx