#even though i at least have the presnce of mind to generally ACT as if im still in the middle | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thehardkandy · 2 years ago

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it's always such a treat when i hear at work that people are like? happy with what I have done?

like idk where the feeling comes from--that isn't just imposter syndrome--that just genuinely surprises me when people think I have met or exceeded expectations

i spend all this time thinking im a fool, but i had a meeting in the afternoon with my boss and one of the department heads who I am making a new tool for and after we finished showing him the feature and the dept head had left my boss was like "he is never happy did you see how happy you made him"

and im like "????" don't know what to do with this information

i know the real answer is "stop thinking poorly of yourself and the things you do" but because of my other ecosystem of mental tendencies, it genuinely makes me uncomfortable to be too confident in what I do sincerely because I always feel as if that's the time when i'm going to make a fool of myself

#like that feeling extends past my technical skills #like this is a large scale ego thing #where i have to actively keep my ego in check at a moderate or downtrodden level #otherwise i am susceptible to arrogance and condescension and hurtful behaviour because i just assume more about myself than i should #there has never seemed to be a middle ground #just a weird rollercoaster that relies on consistent unsolicited positive reinforcement to keep me confident without making me arrogant #cause if rely on my internal regulation i then end up in the extremes #even though i at least have the presnce of mind to generally ACT as if im still in the middle #example of that is that i still apllied for jobs i wanted to self-reject myself from!#i try to say yes to things i want to say no to #and so it helps! but it does not alleviate the internal rollercoaster #it just moderates the external consequences #and mind you this isnt a sad post!!! ive had a genuinely wonderful day and week at work #it just makes me aware of the rollercoaster because it goes up and down depending on how recently ive had that unsolicited postive reinforc

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