#even tho they still haven't resolved their personal issues with each other

[jujuliabautista]

Process of Letting you Go.

Letting go of a person you are still in love with are the hardest thing but you have to do. It would take a lot of courage and strength to let go. Pain would eat you fully, Ego and pride were hurt, you are buried of your own what ifs and whys. But then time would let you realize that holding on will hurt you more. The more you give and hold on, the more you lose yourself and unable to familiarize yourself. By keeping on hold, the more pain you felt on process and will suffocates you and will lead you of unwanted thoughts.

Growing up, i thought i could let go all the pain i was holding for years when i transferred. I did. but i never knew that it was just a temporary fix of my pain. This pain, it is more than a decade now but the memories are still there. The pain is still there.

7 years ago. we unexpectedly met on a sudden reunion. the nostalgia that i felt that night. i couldn't explain. you haven't change a thing. years have passed that time but you are still you. Said my hi's on old friends years after i transferred school. it was a good reunion indeed as iwas able to catch up with my old buddies and mates. But that night seeing you is so hard to explain. i'm not sure if you were atleast happy to see me or the opposite. im not sure. We were so awkward that it feels like we do not know each other. Aside that whats funny is that no one knows about us. As if the things about us vanished. That night i wished i have'nt gone on that reunion. reunion supposed to be celebration of reuniting with your old friends. but it wasn't fun for me. all the pain that i tried to forget for years came back that night. it was hard.

It took me 2 years to leave the place that hurts me so bad and took 2 more years for me to able to love someone else truly. but because of that night the pain came back that quick. all the memories came back.

i tried. i tried so hard not to entertain the thoughts i was having days after the reunion. months after that reunion. you suddenly messaged me through messenger as if we were a casual. Damn. i regret accepting that message and responding to that.

again. I tried. i tried being casual even though part of me says this might be a chance to talk the issues that we haven't resolved yet. i didn't expect to be honest. but days have passed and you consistently messaged me which brought me to the expectations of something else. the thoughts won't let me sleep each night. i've collected all the courage i had to ask you to talk things out but i guess there are some issues and thoughts better left unsaid. i never tried again but i ensure to make you feel that i still love you.

4 years since that day you messaged me again, is also a process of me losing myself. I felt so stupid everytime i think about those times. I tried even though i can see thru you that i wasn't an option already. that we are done the day i left you. You cried late night drunk and messed up but i listened even though it feels like im being stabbed million times.

Did you cry like that when we broke up? did you cry like that when i left so sudden without anyone knowledge? Did you ever cry like that for me?

Im so messed up within that 4 years. everyone around me tells me to stop doing that to myself already but i listened to no one. I tried all the best i could holding to that. 0001% chance that we might have this second chance. but who am i fckin kidding? on the first place, we do not stand the chance at all. we are a mistake after all.

it took me decades to realize this. almost 12 years of a process of letting you go. freeing myself on the pain that i felt. i wasn't able to forgive you yet but i wish you hapiness atleast. God. 12 years. thats too long.

Part of me says i wish we never met but also part of me says thank you for being my youth. you helped me grew up tho. i haven't fully healed but i hope i could say to myself that i already moved on. 12 years is already enough.

[lovviesims]

How You Love Me Now (3 of 4)

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