jujuliabautista

[jujuliabautista]

Painful Memories.

This pain still haunts me. I keep on trying to convince myself that i already moved on and its okay for me now but when i keep on reminding those days it still hurts me? Am i overreacting? Am i the problem?

I was hurt that time and you still hurt me today.

Don't i deserve to be loved as well? Why does people like you keep on using me?

You made me hate this place. I hate this place fxking so much.

Why? ...

Why???

I just wanted to know all of it. Why??

[jujuliabautista]

Process of Letting you Go.

Letting go of a person you are still in love with are the hardest thing but you have to do. It would take a lot of courage and strength to let go. Pain would eat you fully, Ego and pride were hurt, you are buried of your own what ifs and whys. But then time would let you realize that holding on will hurt you more. The more you give and hold on, the more you lose yourself and unable to familiarize yourself. By keeping on hold, the more pain you felt on process and will suffocates you and will lead you of unwanted thoughts.

Growing up, i thought i could let go all the pain i was holding for years when i transferred. I did. but i never knew that it was just a temporary fix of my pain. This pain, it is more than a decade now but the memories are still there. The pain is still there.

7 years ago. we unexpectedly met on a sudden reunion. the nostalgia that i felt that night. i couldn't explain. you haven't change a thing. years have passed that time but you are still you. Said my hi's on old friends years after i transferred school. it was a good reunion indeed as iwas able to catch up with my old buddies and mates. But that night seeing you is so hard to explain. i'm not sure if you were atleast happy to see me or the opposite. im not sure. We were so awkward that it feels like we do not know each other. Aside that whats funny is that no one knows about us. As if the things about us vanished. That night i wished i have'nt gone on that reunion. reunion supposed to be celebration of reuniting with your old friends. but it wasn't fun for me. all the pain that i tried to forget for years came back that night. it was hard.

It took me 2 years to leave the place that hurts me so bad and took 2 more years for me to able to love someone else truly. but because of that night the pain came back that quick. all the memories came back.

i tried. i tried so hard not to entertain the thoughts i was having days after the reunion. months after that reunion. you suddenly messaged me through messenger as if we were a casual. Damn. i regret accepting that message and responding to that.

again. I tried. i tried being casual even though part of me says this might be a chance to talk the issues that we haven't resolved yet. i didn't expect to be honest. but days have passed and you consistently messaged me which brought me to the expectations of something else. the thoughts won't let me sleep each night. i've collected all the courage i had to ask you to talk things out but i guess there are some issues and thoughts better left unsaid. i never tried again but i ensure to make you feel that i still love you.

4 years since that day you messaged me again, is also a process of me losing myself. I felt so stupid everytime i think about those times. I tried even though i can see thru you that i wasn't an option already. that we are done the day i left you. You cried late night drunk and messed up but i listened even though it feels like im being stabbed million times.

Did you cry like that when we broke up? did you cry like that when i left so sudden without anyone knowledge? Did you ever cry like that for me?

Im so messed up within that 4 years. everyone around me tells me to stop doing that to myself already but i listened to no one. I tried all the best i could holding to that. 0001% chance that we might have this second chance. but who am i fckin kidding? on the first place, we do not stand the chance at all. we are a mistake after all.

it took me decades to realize this. almost 12 years of a process of letting you go. freeing myself on the pain that i felt. i wasn't able to forgive you yet but i wish you hapiness atleast. God. 12 years. thats too long.

Part of me says i wish we never met but also part of me says thank you for being my youth. you helped me grew up tho. i haven't fully healed but i hope i could say to myself that i already moved on. 12 years is already enough.

[jujuliabautista]

To be used and be an option would be the worst feeling i could ever felt.

Damn. This motherfuckers really made me feel so less. You know what's worst? The motherfuckers used me for their wants and needs then left you hanging when they found their so called "The One". Fuck. I felt so betrayed, disgusted on myself and an option. What am i? A person who can accompany motherfuckers when their love ones weren't there for them yet? Shit.

Why would i experience this kind of situation twice?

Hope i could forgive myself for letting those motherfuckers that made me feel this way.

Wishing you both HELL.

Ps. I deserve respect too. Please stop hurting me.

[jujuliabautista]

Damn. Regrets really comes at end.

[jujuliabautista]

Damn. Im back.

Nandito pa din ako. Naandito pa rin ako. Kasalanan to ng movie. Super ang lapit. Nakakarelate. Kaibahan lang, siya mahal pa. Ako hindi na. Tangina.

Bakit? Bakit ka pa kasi bumalik at nagparamdam? Bakit di ka na lang naglaho? Mawala ka na lang. Tangina. Kahit saang sulok nang mundo ko ikaw naiisip ko. Kahit san ako lumingon, naaalala kita. Putangina. Nawala na ko sa ganoong phase e. Natapos na ko don. Bumalik pa dahil bumalik ka. Hindi ko alam bakit bumalik ka pa. Ginulo mo ko. Ginulo mo mundo ko. Dapat sayo di na kita nakilala. Tangina. Bakit ikaw masaya? Bakit ako naiwan dito? Bakit ikaw masaya? Bakit ako nagmukhang tanga at umasa? Bakit ikaw masaya? Pero ako ito nasasaktan pa. Bakit ikaw masaya? Pero ako ito naiwan ng mga ala-ala mo. Bakit ikaw masaya pero ako di ko magawang maging masaya? Sabi nila may darating para sakin, magmove on na ko. Madaling sabihin. Pero sobrang hirap gawin. Tangina. Isipin ko pa lang pano ko nagpakatanga sayo e. Sinubukan ko lahat. Pero bakit ganon? Ginantihan mo ba ko? Galit ka ba sakin? May nagawa ba ko sayo? Do i really deserve this? Alam ko di mo to mababasa pero tangina. Napaka-selfish mo naman. Sana binigay mo man lang yung closure bago ka magpakasal. Di ako yung tipo nang tao na magmamakaawa sayo para masagot yung mga tanong ko. Sinubukan ko naman nung una, pero ano? Kalokohan mo nakuha ko. Closure lang sana naman nabigay mo. Pero hindi. Bigla ka nawala. Binigla mo ko. Binigla mo ko na meron nang siya. Tangina. Maalala ko pa lang lahat nang kaya kong gawin para sayo nung mga oras na yun, kinamumuhian ko na sarili ko. Ang tanga. Tapos ganto lang pala. Olats. Nilubog mo ko. Nilubog mo ko nang sobra na hindi ako makaahon agad agad. Ang bigat. Nakakalunod. Parang inilubog ako sa napakalalim na lugar na may binibitbit na mabigat at hindi makaahon.

Paano? Kelan ako? Kelan yung ako naman?

Nakakapagod. Nakakapagod na.

[jujuliabautista]

Worst feeling. I don't know if i made a right decisions in my life. Is it wrong to choose career over love? Damn. Why is everybody having their own family already? Why everyone is happy except me? The person i liked for decades are also planning to have his own. I'm dumb but when i knew about it i felt dumber. Fuck. I wanted ti wish him happiness but i can't after he made me feel that we had the chance again. I dont know if i assumed things or he really did make me looked and feel dumb. I wanted to be happy but anger overpowered me. He doesn't deserve to be happy. After all the sleepless nights just to talk to him and playing mind games with him. He does not deserve to be happy. But then. It is what it is. He found his love and i don't. He wanted to settle for good and it is not me. Then who am i to stop that. Fuck. Im not that petty. But i hate this feeling. This feeling of hating myself so much. I hate myself for loving him so much. I wanted the closure. I deserved that. But i can't have it. The closure that i wanted the most so that i could have my peace. I have so much questions in mind but we can't have a serious talk for once. I wanted to move on. But i can't. I'm stuck. I'm drowning with all this whys' and what ifs. Don't I really deserve to be happy?

[jujuliabautista]

Still you.

Hey. How are you? Are you happy? I wish you were because i am not to be honest. I'm trying but i can't. Yet?

Happy birthday to the both of us. Its our 25th Birthday. Were old enough. 😅 i know you're happy now. And im glad you were even tho its not me the reason behind those smile of yours.

Thank you for the unforgettable memories that we've shared in our elementary days. And i'm sorry for leaving you soonest as i could that time.

Year 2018, i never thought you'll message me back then because we both knew we were so awkward on our last reunion. We never talked or looked at each other on that party. No one even remembered that we were exes back then. No one except us. But that reunion brought painful memory which i accepted already. And that is you were remembered as one of the exes of my so called best friend. Yes. My best friend.

Damn this 3am thoughts. Haha i have no one to tell this as of my writing so yes. Here i am. Writing on tumblr of what i am thinking rn to my unrequited love.

Does first love hurts this much? My mom thought you were just my puppy love since we were in grade school that time but for me it wasn't. Even though we broke up too fast, i was on my happiest that time. The butterflies i felt, the i love yous' , being taken care of and so on. Damn. I missed that.

What went wrong? What happen to us?

I lost myself the moment i lost you. I tried so hard to bring myself back but i think i failed until to this day.

I was a quiet, shy, grade conscious girl not until you tranferred to our school. I admired you the moment i saw you. Fun fact, my best friend (5th grade best friend) and i had a crush on you that time. We don't know but we admire you.

I have no plans of telling you that i have a crush on you. It should be a happy crush since school must be my top priority on my plate. And sucks to tell you but im not good on balancing education and lovelife as well. So it should be HAPPY CRUSH.

But things didn't go as planned. That happy crush thing vanished the moment you said you liked me. I may not be so sure as of this writing but that time you asked for my number and you said you liked me. That was the happiest day for me that time. Who would've have thought that the person you admire likes you back.

Knowing that feels surreal but at the same time knowing that my bestfriend (other friend) likes you too, i had a second thought. I told her everything but lucky me she supports us. She backs off. But she left after that year and never had a chance to talk again. So i dont know.

Things escalated so fast that the moment you asked me to be your girlfriend, i said yes quickly. But asian thing, i asked you to hide our relationship since my parents and sister won't allow me to do relationships until i graduated college.

We were so happy back then. But we were too early to play on fire. Not that kind of fire but you know what i mean. We were at our happiest not until i fucked up my grades which alarming to our professors since they knew that i have a smart sister. So this teacher reported me to my parents after knowing about us.

And worst, my dad saw our conversation which should not be shared. They got mad and won't let me near you again.

I tried.

We never had the proper break up. We just didn't talked after they forbids us to talked to each other.

Days. Weeks. It was hard for me. And hopes you had a hard time too.

Im trying but it wasn't enough. I lost myself a bit which causes me not to focus on studying so i kept on having bad grades that time.

I tried. But i totally lost myself the moment i learned that you were dating my other friend. Which also i considered bestfriend.

I'm hurt is an understatement. I am deeply hurt. I thought of trying to get us back but i guess im too late.

I know this friend knew about us but what i couldn't understand is of all the boys on our batch that time. Why you? My EX.

And i'm trying to be understanding here but why her? You knew we were friends. I couldn't accept the situation so i fucked up over and over again.

I dealt with the pain for a year. I tried. I had a thing with one of your friend which i assumed you knew about us. You thought I easily moved on and easily had a thing with your friend. Naah. Hate to say this but he was my rebound. I can't take the fact that you were happy and i'm the miserable one so i said yes to be his girlfriend.

But hey! He is a good guy. Shy and sweet type of person. We never dated in actual nor being together alone. We were just flirting on our phones. Haha. Silly. But then things happen. Worst scenario, he two-timed me. Im not sure. Not interested as well that time.

The pain is still there everytine i see both of you together. Im in so much pain that made me decide to transfer school 6th grade. So i wait. I pretended to all of our friends that i am cool with the situation for a year.

Then our graduation day came. It was the moment i've been waiting. And i do believe that time that when i transferred i'll get to move on. But jokes on me. I didn't.

But i guess i have to let you go now like for real. I've already done my part. I tried so hard to meet you and explain every thing that happen and seek answers on questions that i had years ago. I thought everything deserves a better closure but i guess not all needed closure. Maybe our relationship doesn't need closure.

I love you. And i will always will.

I like you still first love.

Hope this would be my last letting go moment. Its hard you know.

So yeah. I wish you the best in this lifetime.

Thank you.

- J.