#even making this post is agony for me - using tumblr is so hard. i constantly convince myself that i've messed up or done something evil

[seapasture]

everything seems to be a trigger for my ocd and bpd at the moment :( the thought of even being known by another person is more than I can bear

[notsilenced]

What a weird first post. Excuse my formatting; I think I was in high school the last time I used tumblr.

Protecting myself, opening up, being a stubborn bowling pin, and not showering as often as I’d like to.

Let’s just throw that out there as a sort of “headline,” if you will—some words that make people ask, “ew, what the heck?”

I know, it sounds absolutely disgusting, but there’s a reason: every time I get into the shower I want to cry.

Seeing my legs shrink, the hair on my legs and armpits not grow back, and finding clumps of hair in my hands as I try to wash it—it’s hard. I won’t lose all my hair, but I barely had any already. This is me now. This is FH and what I will deal with for the rest of my life.

This is the part where I shrug and say, “well, c’est comme ça.”

It’s extremely possible I told people I’d only be on this immunotherapy for a few months. Well, I lied; I don’t like to make people think this is who I am, because it’s not. I don’t need fake pity. I am not my disease. I am not a product of my disease. I am doing my best to be thankful that this situation isn’t even worse and that I managed over 25 years without a significant heart attack or stroke. The gratitude I have for my life now and the physicians that made sure it won’t be cut short by this disease is immeasurable. But as luck would have it, I’ll need monoclonal antibody immunotherapy the rest of my life.

With that being said, I wish I got credit for even half the strength I’ve mustered up, but life doesn’t hand out participation trophies. As I see my body change, I worry I won’t be able to continue to do the things I love, like downhill skiing, one of the only things that has been a constant my whole life. Sometimes I joke that one would have to amputate my legs to get me to stop skiing, but it’s always me that wishes the pain wasn’t there. It’s me crying in agony. It’s me that just wants to be carried to bed because I just can’t walk anymore.

Looking back at my life, I have overcome so much—unthinkable and unspeakable things. When the glass is half empty, those memories make me feel like the glass is actually completely broken. When the glass is half full, I remember this is not my most difficult struggle and probably never will be. Inevitably, there’s more to come. The past and all of its catastrophes have made me who I am: a strong, sassy young woman that accepts zero nonsense and is on a mission to get my life back to where it should be (but even better).

…Not everyone sees it that way.

I’ve been told that everything I’ve been through is “God’s will”. If that’s what you believe, whatever god you worship sucks.

I’ve been silenced and told I shouldn’t talk about my life. That’s a bit difficult when it’s your life. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for saying this: I’m not censoring my life so that others can think I’m someone that I am not.

All of this being said,

I think it’s time for me to put my foot down. I am the narrator of my own story, and if you don’t like it, I’m not holding a gun to your head and forcing you to care. (I could see myself acting that way about the war in Ukraine, minus the gun, but that’s because so many of my people are being tortured and killed, yet all that people seem to care about is their own little world and getting what they want.)

I care about myself, and that’s enough for me. As much as I want to be understood, I have to seek understanding of my own body and mind first.

But let me promise one thing: even if I end up with a withered body, or if I lose a lot of hair, or if the world turns its back on a woman that has had the audacity to stand up for herself and what she believes is right, I’m not giving up.

That’s the beauty of being a bowling pin that’s constantly knocked down—you’re always pulled back up and set straight. I make a pretty decent bowling pin.

[panharmonium]

@dreamersscape​ please forgive me for tagging you in a post to respond to your comments; tumblr’s reply feature is hard to have an extended/coherent conversation on, and I’m so excited to talk to a kindred Naruto spirit that I knew I was gonna write too much for it all to fit in that space XD

re: hinata - Oh my gosh, YES, my sister and I were so frustrated by how they just completely never addressed that moment again.  I wasn't surprised, because it's been clear from the beginning that this show doesn't really care much about women, so the female characters' storylines getting dropped or never explored in the first place is pretty much what I've always expected, but it's still infuriating.  

Honestly, the only good thing about this show's general disinterest in women is that it means that I don't place any blame on in-story Naruto for never addressing what Hinata did for him, because I know the fact that we don't see him dealing with her confession isn't actually intended to communicate anything about his reaction/non-reaction/level of investment; it's literally just a function of the fact that the writer doesn't care about her story.  It's the same way I feel about how we see so much less one-on-one time between Kakashi and Sakura - her lack of screentime with him isn't something about which a person can credibly argue "Oh, this means Kakashi doesn't care about her enough and he's a bad teacher etc etc," because the imbalance isn’t a deliberate writing decision we're supposed to analyze for characterization.  It's a reflection of the fact that the entire show is super sexist. XD

re: danzo: It’s one thing to have your villain believe himself to the hero of his own story, and like, another to have Danzo basically tout having darkness in your heart being a great thing and encouraging it’s presence/cultivating it - lmao YES!  And honestly, this is why I actually find Danzo LESS infuriating than the Third Hokage.  Like, Danzo is Super Evil and every time he exploits another child I want to watch him die all over again, but at least he like....owns his horribleness?  Whereas Hiruzen is the biggest hypocrite on the planet - when I rewatched the Shonen Jump stuff a while back (my sister and I took a little break prior to Season 11 and rewatched some old stuff), I couldn't stand listening to Hiruzen go on and on about how the entire Leaf Village is his family and it's his role to protect all of them etc etc, because like - he literally covered up the genocide of Sasuke's entire family and let the perpetrator remain in power (and that was before I even knew about all these other crimes he allowed to go unpunished!!!)  Danzo may be the Worst, but at least he's not pretending to be anything other than what he is.  Hiruzen is still acting like he's everybody's sweet old grandpa, and that makes me even more angry than Danzo's straight-up horribleness.  (And I do agree with you, they definitely lean harder into the "Lord Third is amazing" stuff pre-Shippuden, I just still feel confused about what the show is ultimately trying to say about him because we haven't gotten an explicit enough condemnation of his choices yet, and I feel like it's way overdue XD )

re: minato - Hard agree that Minato is an enigma.  I don't feel like I fully understand him either - and not in a bad way, just in the sense that he's hard to read.  The toughest thing for me to parse was always how distant he seemed with his students, which was surprising to me at first, because he'd been built up as sort of this "ideal shinobi" figure for such a long time, but to me, an ideal shinobi teacher looks more like...well, Kakashi, to be honest.  And it took a while for me to reconcile with the fact that Minato and Kakashi really do just relate to their students very differently.  I think Minato has always been a soldier, and I think he sees children as soldiers, too - not in an evil way at all, just in the sense that this is how the shinobi world works, and how it has always worked.  It's not a "wrong" way to perceive shinobi kids, in the context of the story's universe.  And so when things happen to those kids, he absolutely cares, but it's also sort of just a grim fact of life for him.  It's like when Kushina tells him she doesn't want to make Naruto a jinchuriki, and she asks 'why do we have to do that to him, why does he have to suffer that way for the sake of the balance of power between nations,' and Minato's response is “Because our family is Shinobi.”  That was a really telling moment for me in terms of how he sees the world.  It's not something I'm interested in condemning him for, like you said; I don't think the story is ever asking us to do that, it’s just a philosophy that's very different from how Kakashi sees things and what he thinks children's experiences should be like.  

I guess what I ultimately think (from the material we’ve seen so far, at least) is that Minato seems to perceive the loss of his students as something that Kakashi is struggling with, not something he himself is agonizing over.  It’s a very sad thing that happened, of course, but it’s just part of the way their world works/a function of the times they live in.  It's not something Minato is tormenting himself about.  Whereas I think that if Kakashi ever lost a kid, it would have killed him.  And I don't think this fact is in any way supposed to paint Minato as a bad person.  He's not!  All it means is that there is a generational difference between the world Kakashi and Co. are trying to create and the world Minato always knew, and people like Minato are doing the best they can with the framework they have.  

I do like the guy a lot - and I wonder what he might have been like if he had lived to see a permanent peace established.

re: little Yamato - oh boy, those episodes nearly ended me.  I am already very, very, VERY weak for Kakashi and Yamato’s friendship, and seeing Kakashi rescue Yamato from that horrible place (literally and metaphorically) was too much for me to handle.  Kakashi’s silhouette replacing Danzo in Yamato’s memories of being rescued from Orochimaru’s lab - that slew me.  And the way Danzo tells Yamato “you have no past, no future, no name” juxtaposed with Kakashi introducing Yamato as Tenzo because he remembers from three years ago how Yamato once rebelled at being called Kinoe and yelled “MY NAME IS TENZO” - Kakashi just using that chosen name without hesitation, without question, without needing to be told...it all ties back into the recent thematic throughline the show is working with about Identity - the importance of the Tailed Beasts having names, Kabuto’s desperate and misguided search for “who and what he is,” Itachi reclaiming his true self by undoing the reanimation justu and declaring “I am Itachi Uchiha of the Leaf Village,” Obito claiming that his real name doesn’t matter anymore, that he’s Nobody...it’s fantastic how they’re pulling all this together.

re: Kakashi and little Naruto - oh man, the feelings.  I agree with you that Kakashi was in no place to be dealing with this, but certainly under different circumstances I think he would have loved to be a part of baby Naruto’s life.  I actually think the reasoning behind “let’s put Kakashi in a situation where he’s in close contact with someone bringing new life into the world” is sound - I think that would be a really good thing for him!  Just not in the sense of “you’re Kushina’s personal bodyguard, so if anything happens to her and the baby you can blame yourself for it.” XD  Like...Minato could have invited Kakashi in for dinner sometimes, instead of having him constantly stand guard under their window???  If it had been more “we care about you and we want you to be a part of our family”....ugh, that would have been amazing.  Kakashi is already SO good with Naruto (who is NOT by any means an easy kid to manage) - he just has such good instincts about how to talk to that kid and teach him in ways that work WITH Naruto’s particular brand of high motivation/low frustration tolerance, ping-pong emotional extremes, explosive energy levels, zero impulse control, and an inability to process more than one thing at a time.  Handling Naruto effectively would be a challenging project for any teacher, never mind taking care of Naruto and two other kids, but Kakashi is a natural at it.  It would have been awesome to see what Kakashi was like with Naruto when they were even younger...though the Feels might knocked me out.

[also, you mentioned Naruto and Obito - I cannot even tell you the Extremest Agonies I was in when the big reveal happened and I had to hear Naruto blankly go “who is he” - utterly clueless, without the faintest idea that he’s looking at the person who shaped his entire moral philosophy.  The amount of things that these kids don’t know...that fact that Naruto has been quoting this very person all his life and making all his major life decisions based on the lesson Kakashi relayed to them on Day One - Obito’s words - oh boy oh boy I was not capable of handling that even the littlest bit.]

[entuzijazam]

A heartfelt letter to myself; to @entuzijazam

This year was so bad for me because a lot of small things happened that I let grow into something bigger. First, I got my heart broken by the person I was in love with. Now I don’t have any normal connection with that person, despite still appreciating the person he is, despite what happened between us that was so hard and heart-breaking at the end (maybe it’s better for, both, me and him this way). Then my dear grandma passed away…after 3 years of agony watching her shut away.

I became so filled with anger and bitterness…I let my pain and sadness swallow me whole, bite by bite, because I preferred the familiarity of pain rather than pain of fighting against those feelings. Somehow, I couldn’t find the energy.

I hurt my friends because I was hurt (bc I am hurting). I almost lost my best friend because of my reckless behavior. Fortunately, I got her back after sincere talk. I don’t want to be a burden, I cannot be a burden, but lately I’m a burden on myself.

Yeah, I do have those moment of fleeting, extraordinary joy, of pure Enthusiasm. Those can last for days, too. But somehow these feelings wash over me again.

My self-esteem has never been lower. I indulged in fleeting connections because I thought I’ll get temporary feelings out of it. It only made it worse. I’ve been writing this for the second time (bc the first time Tumblr was so rude and went back amidst writing this) and i dont want to make this perfect, cause its not poetry i am not trying to romanticise anything. This is just my state at the end of this year (2019). No reverse, no hiding, no romanticising, no exaggerating. I’ve been, also, polluted by this one particular toxic mindset for over 3 years now, and I know i’m gonna break out of it really soon…but I am afraid that the sudden change and freedom will be overwhelming for me. However, I cannot wait. I already have plans, and i know that my mental state will be 50 %, if not more, better solely because of it. I cannot explain the bitterness as a consequence of all of this. I have always been this strong child that could endure anything. Literally anything..that life throw at me. And being told that i dont have any life experience has been hurtful for me, too. Now i feel like i am constantly searching for someone to protect me from this world, cause ive been strong for a very long time as a kid, and in early adolescence. I am truly lost. Not lost in the way that I don’t see future for me. I do see it. I know I’ll make it after all, despite anything. But i am lost in the way of what i feel, if i will be okay, and how long it would take me to achieve this state of being okay…..let alone, being happy.

I know this sounds like a random rant shit post, but I promise that it isn’t. I wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts every single night for like 8 months so far. I wouldn’t be hurting for so long. I didn’t let myself heal. I don’t know how I let myself believe to be so incapable to start the healing process. Always in my mind hoping that the person who loved (air quotes loved) me will come back, that something unexpected would happen and a superhero in shiny armor will come to rescue. :) Well, life doesn’t work like that. And it’s difficult for me to explain to anyone what happened to me…It especially breaks my heart to hear my mother over the phone sick worried because she knows (hears) that I’ve been crying again..and that this got out of hand again. I promise myself to love myself in the new year…to at least try so. To let myself let go, to let myself fall a hundred times and learn from it. To laugh at a silly dish that turned out wrong, bc “for fuck’s sake, I cannot cook anything!” instead of bursting into crying ‘cause I made yet another mistake. I’ll teach myself, I’ll love myself. I love to imagine that our love depends only on love of another. But I know this isn’t so. I crave constant attention, and this also knows to be a problem. I’ll try  to humble myself down, treat myself. Ask for help. I know I need to do this.

This Tumblr helped me so so soo much over the years. And I couldn’t be more grateful to be part of a community like this. Maybe someone would call this “my feelings being all over the place again, me not being able to control my feelings bc i’m such a fragile person” but I can’t anymore let this touch me. I know I am like that. And maybe it makes me more of a quality person. I have compassion, I am not ever boring, I can love fiercely, I can grieve fiercely. How can softness and vulnerability exist in the same place as fierceness? Well i cannot be tamed down. And i need to learn to lick my wounds. I have been doing so for the past months…but it’s time to take the things really into my hands…even though they are shaky, even though I am afraid of dropping on the floor and breaking like glass again. But fear shouldn’t stop me after all.

I am hopeful.

Lots of kisses from this wounded strong fighter, Imma go to sleep or eat my doughnut now. Probably eat it in the morning. Good night.

[spicycreativity]

Intertwined - Chapter 7

Chapter: 7/8

Additional Notes: IDK if anyone is keeping sole track of this fic on Tumblr but if you are, apologies for the delay in posting 😅 Also do yourself a favor and get an AO3 account

Chapter Content Warnings: Blood, respiratory distress, very brief mentions of alcohol (alcohol use not depicted)

This was getting unbearable. Janus buried his face in his handkerchief and coughed and coughed. His blood was warm against his tongue and lips, streaking the blooms dark red. His chest burned constantly now, his throat always irritated and raw.

To top it all off, Patton had disappeared without a word of warning, leaving Janus with no answers. If anything, he had more questions than ever before. The vase of poppies on Patton's dresser could not have been a coincidence, but there was just no way this was Patton's fault.

So Janus was saddled with a mystery, with flowers in his lungs, and with Remus' awkward attempts at support.

"I'm just saying, you can't rule it out until you try it," Remus said, pausing in his pacing to give Janus a doe-eyed pout.

"For the last time, Remus, I'm not going to huff weed killer." Janus threw his head back against the couch cushions and tried his best to sigh. The effect was somewhat muted by the sputtering coughs that followed.

"I can tell you want to scream," Remus said.

He was right, though Janus would never admit it. "Yes, I think that--" Breathe, breathe, breathe-- "that'll fix me." What Janus really wanted, disgusted as he was to admit it to himself, was Patton. Not that Patton would be able to do anything that Remus couldn't do, but Janus missed him. Quite terribly, if he was being honest with himself. Maybe he would feel better if he cried, not that he'd ever allow himself to do that. He'd have to be out of his mind on hypoxia and poppy seeds.

"I just wish there was something I could do," Remus said, dropping hands to his sides. "Other than just sit here and watch."

Janus hadn't told him about the flowers in Patton's room. He kept things close to his chest by nature, determined to solve his problems on his own. He didn't ask for help. Even if he would have dearly liked another perspective on this mystery, he couldn't put that responsibility on Remus. It would only make him feel worse if he failed.

"You can make me ginger tea," Janus said, forcing a smile. It wasn't right seeing Remus fret like this. "With honey."

A teacup appeared on the coffee table alongside a bottle of whiskey. So much for occupying Remus with busywork. "What I should do," Remus said, brandishing his morningstar, "is go maul Roman until he agrees to fix you."

"As entertaining as that would be, I'm not so sure that's the most efficient course of action, per se." Janus shifted, trying to work out how to leave Remus without making him feel abandoned. He just wanted to go check on Patton, but didn't feel at all up to the task of refereeing whatever confrontation would result in Patton and Remus sharing space. He could always just get up and leave with no explanation…. But Remus didn't deserve that.

In the end, he decided to wait until Remus got bored. There was no guarantee he was even going to find Patton. He had been AWOL for the past two days and Janus had had a near run-in with Virgil last night when he'd gone to look for Patton, an experience he was not keen to repeat.

And if Janus expedited the process of ditching Remus by pretending to fall asleep, well, he'd never tell.

Patton had a distinctly hungover look about him, with his glasses missing and his hair sticking up in the back. He blinked at Janus, bleary-eyed, and Janus' heart started to jackhammer in his chest. How utterly cute, how endearing. He wanted to smooth Patton's hair down and kiss him on the forehead, though he'd have to stand on his tiptoes to reach. Damn the subconscious for making him tiny.

"Where have you been?" Janus asked, planting himself in the middle of the hallway. Patton's door disappeared into white ether, a fact which Janus filed away to think about later.

"Sleeping," Patton said, holding up a bottle of NyQuil.

Well, that explained why he didn't smell like alcohol despite the obvious hangover. "And here I thought you were avoiding me," Janus teased. Despite the awful sting all up and down his chest, Patton's mere presence seemed to lighten the burden and ease his fears. He could bear this as long as he had Patton by his side.

"No," Patton mumbled, dragging hands down his face. "Coffee. Then talk."

He swayed a little, steadying himself on the wall. Janus held out his hand. "Come here, let me help."

Patton nodded and let Janus lead him to the kitchen. Not trusting Patton with the high chairs at the kitchen island, Janus instead led him to the table and turned a chair out for him so they could face each other. Patton coughed behind closed lips and a spike of fear paralyzed Janus' heart. He was already fighting for breath and this new bolt of adrenaline made him dizzy. He took deep breaths (as well as he could, with his lungs all entangled and bleeding) and forced himself to make coffee step-by-step. It was the one thing he regularly did by hand instead of just imagining it to completion, a ritual and a reward.

"I hope you didn't catch what I have," Janus said. Maintaining the lie.

"Doubt it," Patton mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Janus narrowed his eyes. What did that mean? Was Patton coughing up poppies, too? Suddenly, the drip-drip-drip of coffee into the pot, the rich, reassuring smell of the grounds, seemed unimportant. Janus imagined the coffee done percolating, imagined two mugs on the table. He pushed one toward Patton. "Cheers."

"What time is it?" Patton asked before downing half the contents of the mug in one long swallow.

"Around noon, I think." Feeling his diaphragm seize, Janus turned away, shaking his handkerchief out of his sleeve, and gave in to the fit. It was getting harder and harder to swallow the pain. Inhaling was not just uncomfortable now; it hurt like clenched fists around his lungs. But Janus was a practiced liar and tucked the pain away behind a velvet curtain. "I haven't seen you in two days."

"Sorry," Patton said, looking fractionally more alert now. "I was trying to sleep off this… Cold, I guess."

"Mm," said Janus, taking a sip of coffee to keep from having to answer properly. He couldn't decide how he wanted to pursue this, if he wanted to pursue this. What did it matter if Patton was coughing up poppies or daisies or African violets? It brought Janus no closer to solving the puzzle.

"You sound really bad," Patton said. He finished his coffee and blinked hard. "Oh! I'm sorry, but I don't think it's Roman."

"You're sure?" Janus asked, blood running cold.

But a lot of things seemed to be hitting Patton all at once with the introduction of caffeine to his system; he whipped his head up to look at Janus with something akin to panic. "I wanted to thank you, and-- Oh." He looked at their coffee mugs with obvious dismay. "I did it again."

"Did what?"

"I… I let you take care of me," Patton said in a small voice.

"Oh, Patton," Janus sighed, unable to help himself. The breath that ghosted across his lips tasted like blood and black coffee. He wondered if Patton would mind terribly if Janus kissed him anyway. "I really haven't been." That was true. Janus had been deliberately holding himself back from giving himself over to Patton. How little support did he get from the others, that Janus' minor attempts at friendship felt so significant?

"You have!" Patton insisted. "Right from the start. You've been right by my side through all of this, reminding me to take care of myself, spending time with me. You even helped me with that dog puzzle."

"I don't understand," Janus said. These were normal friendship behaviors. Had he been too obvious? Did Patton suspect? "Wouldn't the others have done the same?"

"They would," Patton said. "If I had asked."

"Oh," said Janus, blinking away a wave of dizziness. Even he couldn't begrudge the others their lack of understanding. It wasn't their fault they couldn't give Patton what he hadn't asked for. But what did it say about him that he had?

"You've been a really good friend to me, Janus. Even though I don't deserve it."

"Don't talk about my friend like that," Janus said, nudging Patton in the ribs. It was a soft, familiar gesture, something he'd done to Remus a hundred times before. It was the first time Janus had touched Patton without announcing it, getting permission.

Patton smiled at him, and then they both ruined the moment by dissolving into twin coughing fits.

Janus' lasted longer; he felt Patton's eyes on him as he repeatedly tried and failed to get himself under control-- Was that an entire flower in his throat? What did that mean? He banished it with difficulty, trying to master the animal impulses screaming it hurts it hurts it hurts as if to drown out his rational thought. He should leave, but he didn't want to. So he straightened up and washed away the taste of blood in his mouth with another swallow of coffee.

"Ohhh," Patton whispered. "You really don't sound good."

"I'm fine," Janus said, reflexively bringing out an old standard. It was the one lie everybody told.

"You didn't believe me when I said I was fine," Patton said. "Why should I believe you?"

"There's not really anything to be done about it," Janus said, hating the shallow breaths he had to take between every few words. If he stayed, he would have to pretend he wasn't in agony. But hadn't he been doing that this whole time? It was agony, being so certain that Patton could never want Janus the way Janus wanted Patton, yet unable to crush that sliver of hope that never died out.

Patton brandished the NyQuil bottle and Janus forced himself to laugh. Patton smiled at him, so soft and gentle and honey-sweet. "Why don't you sit with me?" Janus blinked and they were on the couch with two fresh cups of coffee. Patton had left no space between their bodies. "Is this okay?"

It wasn't, really. Janus burned with the contact, burned all over until he could feel it in his face and had to hide behind a cooler mask, though he was sure this one was still pale and pinched with pain. It wasn't fair at all, this horrible parody of romance. It shouldn't have been a problem. He should have been satisfied with friendship, like he was with Remus. It was nothing to sit in Remus' lap or play with his hair because they were both happy with the arrangement. But this? This made Janus want to put a fist through the wall. So of course, he said "Yes" and took his hat off in case he worked up the courage to rest his head on Patton's shoulder.

"Are we still gonna be friends the next time Thomas needs us for something?" Patton asked.

"So it's just a given that we're going to disagree?"

"Janus."

"Okay, okay." Janus sighed as deeply as his strangled lungs would allow. "I promise."

Patton beamed and didn't even question him. He just took it at face value now, that Janus wasn't lying about this. "Oh, good."

"So what are we doing?" Janus asked. "Going to drink coffee and gossip like a couple of old ladies?"

"Whatever you want, really," Patton said.

"Oh, good," Janus said drily. "I want to take shots and play strip poker." Patton blinked at him. "Kidding."

"Oh!" said Patton, shaking his head. "Sorry. Guess the NyQuil hasn't worn off yet."

"How about we watch something?" Janus asked. It was probably a little too early in the friendship to force Patton sit down and watch Perry Mason with him, but then again… He was a practiced hand at being selfish. The TV flashed to life and Janus sat his mug down on the coffee table before leaning back to watch.

"Ha," said Patton, apparently recognizing the show. "Should have guessed."

"Oh, enlighten me," Janus said, feigning innocence. "What's so funny?"

"I should have guessed you'd be into courtroom dramas," Patton said.

Janus would have ribbed him further, had his lungs not decided to turn themselves inside out. He barely got his handkerchief in front of his mouth in time before blood started spilling over his lips. God, this was miserable. His resolve was cracking; he was starting to doubt he could make it much longer without vocalizing the pain. "Maybe I will take that NyQuil," he said, the words feeling like coarse grit sandpaper as they dragged themselves up his throat. He took it from Patton before Patton could take the cap off-- He still had his pride even if he wouldn't have his voice for much longer. The thought loomed so terrifying in his mind that denial smacked it down to nothing before it could get out of control. Janus poured out half a dose of NyQuil. Everything would be fine. He would be okay. The subconscious would set him straight before the flowers could completely take over his respiratory system.

Beside him, Patton coughed a little too, and Janus sincerely hoped that he wasn't suffering the same ailment. Patton didn't deserve that.

The NyQuil kicked in gently, drawing Janus so subtly toward sleep he only noticed he was drifting off when his head touched Patton's shoulder.

[dreameaterentertainment-blog]

3.

"If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love."

1984 by George Orwell

  - -

Hello dear,

Does it make sense if I type everything down here? I suppose it doesn't and it does and it doesn't.

Your space key sucks.

It's hard to explain everything. The other day I woke up and dazed at the ceiling before breaking into tears. It gets a bit overwhelming, you know.The thought of it -- the thought of one whole year having passed by since my entire "high school" (for lack of better description) life ended. And then here I am, lying in NTU and wrapped up with warmth that tenderly wipes my tears away; wrapped up in love that I couldn't have, for the life of me, imagined would be possible at all one year ago.

(Love is not a side effect of dying. Love is one thing that life offers you that transcends all of life and death and if anything at all; it's the only thing that continues to keep you alive even when you're long dead and gone. The love you gave others and the love that others continue to give you: it continues on and on, a breath that continuously passes from man to man and does not fade away.

I still remember your journal post about seeing death, and how you wished to leave some impact on the world, so I'll say it here. Your biggest imprint on the world will be that of love, or the antagonist to it. Which it shall be is your choice to make.)

I read the tumblr text you left for me in drafts, but at that point of time I was much too far gone to comprehend the entirety of your words. I may or may not have shed a few successive water droplets from my eye sacs but that will be another philosophical discussion for us to handle another time. I saw that you had left me something, but I told myself to save it for a rainy day so it would cheer me up. But when the rainy day did come and when I read it, I was much too lost with my head in a pit of despair to let anything pass through it properly.

That's past now. Thank you for your promises, which in retrospect I realize shouldn't have caused me so much agony.

I remember when you exploded and afterwards I ran after you on Halloween (and then had to deal with the pres and all), I was so so scared. I thought, is it my place to bother, do I even know the words to say, and can I even help at all? The obvious answer was no. No, I didn't and I don't and even now when anyone at all is in trouble, I still don't know the words to say. But it was just the words, "I'll follow you into the dark," that kept repeating in my head. And I guess that's about how it is. I'll follow you into the dark. You once said that if the entire world stood against you, you'd know she'd have your back. And I guess I'm trying to say that I'll try to have your back too, as a friend. For you, a thousand times over, I'll follow you into the dark.

For you, a thousand times over.

- -

I know that our group right now is kind of messy, and I know that starting on this project is kind of... Big. Things will work out. I already see problems popping out, and I hope that it doesn't get worse and that it resolves itself soon enough; and I mean, I even have a few things to scold you about (that's the dilemma I have. I'll support you but as a friend i have to correct you too, right? That's hard to negotiate, and I'm always afraid of losing you, so I never dare to scold you too much. You know me. Passive aggressive, never direct. Uncertain if my advice is even correct) But hell or high heaven, I know for sure that you'll do it. I know for sure that you'll make it.

Here are words for you to remember: When you work, remember that people are humans. It's probably unprofessional (something I ironically like to stress a lot), but being professional or not, we are all first and foremost human. We try, we are happy when we do well; but we err so often, and sometimes we simply err so terribly. For those who are unable, remember that everyone's in a different growth stage and none are as mature as yourself. Be patient. Give them time to grow, push them in the right direction. For those who are satisfied with themselves, challenge them more. For those whose attitude sucks bitchass, you have all permission to slap them, but you must also remember that they're unfortunate to have such little passion for their capacity to be amazing. And their maturity still needs time to grow. For those that throw themselves out and stretch themselves even further, give them their due rewards. And for those so uncertain of themselves that they turn inwards to create more wounds on their own soul - remind them that they will grow. Remind them that they have so much more to go. Remind them that they are amazing in their own rights. Remind them to see value and to love themselves. And remind them that they are loved.

Sometimes I scare myself, and I don't know what it is about me that I simply can't hold onto life properly. I'm made out of complexities of paradoxes. I love life deeply, but I want to squeeze the air from my lungs and out of my throat. I am constantly in love with the world in all its visual intricacies and the warmth of human breath, but all the same i wish for everything to disappear; and if that can't happen then I'd rather make myself disappear. I sometimes wish I could die. But all the time, I think that I'm okay if I die. (that's a lie too, I'm too scared and too much in love with life to die, but like I said I'm made out of complexities of paradoxes and there is nothing romantic about dying but neither is there anything romantic about living and I think that that's all there is to it.

(Can you hold the voices in until you die? I'm sorry you have to know me, I'm sorry for being so fucking pathetic. I want to rip myself from inside out, I want to scratch my heart out. It's a personal treat from the world, this shadow of mine that holds itself around my throat and swings and swings and swings. What do you say as you smile from your noose and deny that you're suffocating even though you've already lost your voice? All dying words are true and the chandeliers you swing from are all too real, but you reject them again and again.) 

I was much too far out all my life

And not waving but drowning

(It's a poem, go look it up.)

I'm sorry if you ever find me at the bottom of bath tub. At the expanse of a shore. At the end of a rope (I don't pitch myself to be so brave). At the foot of a building, or with pale hands and empty bottles rolling about on the floor. I'm sorry. Even when you find me with bleeding thighs or wrists, I need you to know that I never resented you. I need you to know that I loved you, and you had made my life better. If you ever want to find traces of me when I'm gone, I hate to say this, but ask Rayman. Rayman Tung. He'll know. He's the only one who knows about my personal blog, and I'm always this close to telling you about it but not close enough to want to spill all of myself out. Maybe when the time comes it doesn't matter anymore. But who knows.

(If I ever lose myself, I gift to you my tablet and all my silent words of love I could never express properly. I can't think of anyone better.)

And God forbid I should ever find you in such a state. Please. Don't.

My dear, what were the other 2 instances of death that you saw?

When April 1st comes, don't crack April fools jokes. They kill me inside, not because of the humour. But because of a friend that committed a terrible joke on the rest of his friends and never came back again. I will tell you one day about him. Maybe when April 1st comes, and I loose myself again in fits of white. Maybe then I'll let you read about him, and the tale I've written about him.

We're going to work together tomorrow. I'm afraid I'll disappoint you. I'm afraid it'll screw our relationship up. If I do fail or if you start to hate me, please say it to my face, so I can buck the fuck up. I will try, even if I seem to treat things flippantly. I will try, and I will continue trying my whole life. Be sure of that, and be sure to slap me in place when I've forgotten it.

My dear,

I speak too much and I write too long. Farewell for now, adieu. In the distance past and the distant future. 

I believe in you, always.

- -

"For you, a thousand times over."

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

[jaskiersbeloved]

Lol. So softshumjr wrote this: "(because straight ppl only know two orientations… het or gay, there’s nothing in between)" and she is right. You probabbly are the same. All the starights are gross and doesn't understand anything about LGBTQ+. And all of you never want to learn. You are all gross. I hate you. I can't stand you. I swear the next time I'm gona see you praising Malec and I'm sure you're doing this just beceause the actors are hot I'm gonna block you, lil bitch

Wow. I mean, wow. You really made it your goal to make feel bad. And congratulations you’ve accomplished that. I can’t ignore it, sorry. 

Sorry, people who care about me but I need to stand up for myself. First of all, why won’t you come off anon? It’s considered polite to talk to people face to face, you know. And I prefer to know who I’m talking to. 

You’re accusing me of not understanding the struggle that people of the LGBTQ+ community go through every da because I’m straight. And I agree, I can only imagine. Or, just talk with my friends who are a part of the community. Oh wait, you didn’t know that I have friends in the community? Hm, why? That’s right, because you know nothing about me, jon snow. 

My parabatai is gay. The girl who takes care of me like a mother would for her daughter, is bi. Most of my tumblr friends are a part of the LGBTQ+ community. So when i’m not sure about something, or simply don’t know what something means, I ask them. I make sure to educate myself because I don’t think I could call myself a supporter if I knew only two sexualities. 

You’ve said that I like Malec just because the two actors are “hot”. Excuse you, but can you EXACTLY pin point the post, where I’ve put you under this kind of impression. Because this is why I love Malec.

What they represent for the LGBTQ+ Community

No matter what, they have each other’s back

Their story is amazing

Their love is even more amazing

I look up to them. Seriously. I hope that someday someone will love me the way they love each other.

I learn from them. Because (surprise, surprise) a straight person can learn a lot about love from a LGBTQ+ couple. 

Besides the accusation that I love this ship only because the actors are “hot” makes me think that either you’ve come across a lot of “fans” like this or you’re doing this yourself. 

I admit that both Harry and Matthew are really handsome (yes I’m going with handsome not hot, because quoting Caleb from PLL “Call the girl beautiful, not hot. She’s a person, not a cup of tea.” and that goes to the boys also, because we usually tend to forget men get oversexualized as well as women.) but I love them for what kind of people they are, how talented they are and I look up to them. I don’t like people beceause of their looks, I like them beceause of their personality and if that’s gonna change (and I strongly hope that this never will change) then feel free to punch me in the face HARD. So glad that we have this cleared out. 

You know what this whole thing remindes me of, Anon? You watch Shadowhunters right? Your hate has the same consequences like the agony rune had for Magnus. Made me relive my worst memories which in my case is being constantly bullied in primary school. You know getting thrown down the stairs or getting called a bitch for no particular reason. And I hope you are happy for making me feel even more pain.

But EVEN putting aside everything you’ve made me feel let’s talk about how your hate influences people around me, who cares about me, right?. Oh, you haven’t thought that would happen? Too bad, shame on you. 

So let’s start with the person who’s words you were trying to throw against me. @softshumjr. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we know each other. What’s more I usually call her “mum” and she calls me “daughter”. So imagine how angry she got when I sent her a screenshot of your hate. Oh wait you’ve already seen it in her post, haven’t you? I hope you have. Beceause what you did is unforgivable. You used her words COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT just to sent me hate. Wow rude af, Anon. From all ppl on tumblr you’ve chosen the worst person to use her words against me. Congratulations for your stupidity, really. 

Also you’ve made @spreadlovelikelegs feel bad. From what I know Gi felt bad even before I’ve sent the screen of your hate message in our chat. And this made her feel even worse. So wow you’ve hurt not one person but three.And I’ve almost done the worst thing I could. I’ve almost believed you that I really am this kind of person. I’ve started to blame myself for Marta’s angryness and Gi’s pain. If it wasn’t for all of the kind souls who actually care about me then I don’t know what I would have done. 

So from now on I’m shutting down anons. Marta’s right. Those anons have a bad influence on me. And I simply don’t want to be put through the pain all over again just because of who I am and what I like. I’m too tried. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #59

much much much shorter than i usually do because of a breakdown towards the end.  wanted to post anyway.

do you sleep on a blanket over your mattress with another blanket on top, or with just one blanket on top of you?   just one blanket on top of me. personally, what do you believe happens when a person dies?   the body obviously decomposes and is recycled into the earth, but the spirit is assigned to heaven or hell. you’ve been given the option to choose how the human race reproduces. how would we reproduce, which sex would bare children, and how would we bare them? (eggs, litters, etc)   errr.  i think human reproduction is fine the way it is. weirdest fetish you’ve ever found out about and how?   dude, you find some SHIT when you click on "random deviant" on deviantart and you might find a fetish artist.  the weirdest i've ever come across, that i remember anyway, i'm pretty sure were sonic characters in diapers...?  safe to say, i clicked away very quickly, because i was very disturbed. what’s your favorite meme?   i guess because i'm in the south, the shiba inu going "what in tarnation" really makes me laugh. write a plot for a tv show that you would most definitely watch.   oh my god, i had a dream about a month ago about a girl falling in love with a video game character somehow, who was entirely self-conscious and aware, and she entered his world just to be with him, and he fucking lost it with joy?  i woke up when she asked him how she could stay there, and the guy screamed, "just believe" or something like that.  it was SUPER over-dramatic, but honestly incredibly cute.  i'd totally watch something like that. one thing you’d love to wake up to?   jason. favorite quote/saying?   "harleen, what did he tell you?"  "he said he loved me." favorite video you’ve ever watched?   OH MY FUCK YA'LL what was that vine of the guy in the flower crown or something and he was looking for his berries?  he had the funniest fucking voice and expressions.  I NEED TO KNOW. type/act like you did when you were 13 and describe your plans for tonight.   OH FUCK NO KILL IT. your hair can be any color you want, but its permanently there. for an example, you can dye your hair another color after, but the color you originally choose will always grow back in eventually. what color do you choose?   blonde, so i don't have to bleach my hair. do you believe that karma can come back and slap you in the face?   i do not believe in karma, no.  because some people get away with fucking everything. did your last kiss end up with you and the person doing anything sexual?   i don't remember. who is your ex dating/talking to?   some lucky fucking slug named ashley. did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings?   i did, yes. are your parents going to buy you a car?   realistically, they probably will be how i get a vehicle. what kind of things do you post on tumblr?   on my main tumblr blog?  rhett&link/gmm stuff, mainly. do you go on reddit? what subs do you follow?   i do not. do you learn from your mistakes or find yourself constantly repeating them?   both, honestly. what do you dislike at the moment?   everything, honestly.  being alive more than anything. ever thrown up in public?   i have not. has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?   fucking kill me with these questions.  yes.  jason would quite often turn on a song he knew was special to me/us and would always just smile at me before going back about his business. what time will you be getting up tomorrow morning?   never would be nice. how many pills do you take a day?   seven i think because my brain is trying to kill me. could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?   lmao tried that, fuck that. what’s the reason you’re in the mood that you’re in now?   because i'm a sorry bitch who can't accept her ex doesn't love her anymore. do you play the games on myspace/facebook?   no, i don't. are your grandparents dead?   only my dad's dad and my mom's mom are alive. who all do you live with?   my mom and younger sister. the last person you kissed treat you right?   yeah, until he decided "fuck you and your sickness, i'm gone." would you be shocked if the last person you had feelings for texted you?   i'll tell you how i'd feel, i'd feel fucking ecstatic.  right now, i'd literally sob from joy. who knows your biggest secrets?   jason knows them all.  even the sexting adventure. who is someone who puts up with you no matter what?   only my mom.  but she'll leave me eventually, too. what are you listening to at this moment in time?   "i miss you" by blink-182.  it really makes me think of j. have you ever seen your father cry?   i have not. is the person you love/like deserving of your affections? why/why not?   he was, but is he anymore?  i... don't know. has a wild animal ever been loose in your house?   mice, yes. have you ever found a spider on your bed?   omg yeah. has anyone ever tried stealing your boyfriend/girlfriend away?   yes, my second one, if you count him that is.  juan. if you were in the hospital, do you think any of your exes would come see you?   nope.  though i'm sure he'd be the reason for me being in there to begin with.  he didn't come see me when i directly requested him to last time i was hospitalized, so i'm certain he wouldn't without me asking. what do you have in common with the last person you kissed?   we're both pretty big metalheads. do you think french kissing is gross?   if you love the person, not at all.  now walking up to some random person and doing it, yeah, that's gross. the last male you spoke to… is he attractive?   i'm personally not attracted to him. do you have any pet names for the person you love/like?   mainly just "j bird," but i didn't give that nickname to him.  he's had it since he was born. don’t you love to eat watermelon on hot, sunny days?   i don't like 99% of watermelon, too watery.  only ever had one good watermelon, and that was from my former best friend jenna's grandmother's garden. do you like long surveys or short ones?   i think i've made it quite obvious i like long ones.  i don't even post short ones. do you edit pictures that you put online?   i always do vaguely. do you believe that animals don't have souls?   i know they have souls.  no way in hell they don't. have you ever felt like you're trapped inside your life? what did you do or do you do to cope with that feeling?   yeah, and be suicidal. last time someone flirted with you?   juan obviously was some months ago. ever known anyone who could “see right through” you?   jason. when you're being kissed do you like it when they hold your face?   oh my fuck yes have you ever felt like you actually loved someone?   i more than loved him.  still do.  i'd die for him.  i'd experience relentless agony in hell for him.  i'd jump in front of a train for him.  i'd.  do.  anything.  because i love him and want him safe. if the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing?   i'd start sobbing while i ripped his fucking clothes off. is there anything you’re currently holding back?   i am fighting so hard against chugging all the pills i have.  they're in a bag right beside my bed from when i went to colleen's.  i'm exhausted, so i'd pass out and hopefully die easily.  i just genuinely don't want to be alive anymore, i'm just so scared to die.  okay i'm actually just going to post this now, take some meds for my anxiety, and go to bed.  at least, try to.  happier attitude with surveys tomorrow, hopefully...

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....