#even live when he doesn't want to to make fannar happy

[mahvaladara]

"You are my happyness..."

I don't deserve them. I caused them so much pain. I was so selfish and in my obsession caused them so much suffering. I was disillusioned, and I selfishly hurt them, because I was a coward, because I was a monster.

I don't deserve them.

And yet, they forgave me, they love me, they care for me.

"I know the true you, I have seen the true you. You're not the monster you see, or the selfish coward you loath. You're not the lonely and scared boy in the dark, or the hopeless and sad teenager in the rain nor the broken and suffering man covered in blood."

"You're a beautiful soul, broken into pieces and still holding together trying to ammend it's mistakes, take responsibility for them. I see, the bright and curious spirit trying to learn and grow with the world around them. And I see the kind and caring lover, who will always value everything above himself."

"I see my love. You are my happiness."

I don't deserve them. I am so much trouble. Frail sickly and so much trouble.

But I am selfish... So very selfish that I want to believe that.

I want to be their happiness, and I will do everything to make ammends, to make them happy, even sacrifice myself for it.

You are my life. All of it.

[islandiis]

"Til hamingju með afmælið, Fannar."

Eir says it softly, quietly, almost lost under the din of festivities surrounding them. Unlike her younger brother, she doesn't celebrate her birthday on their peoples' national day; they are not truly her people, after all. When one's allegiance lies in the bedrock of the land, one lives and dies by the creation and destruction of every pebble. Not the feet which walk upon them.

Yet, she enjoys the parties nonetheless. Face painted (insisted, at the hands of her Fannar), she gives him a thin, though genuine smile, and reaches down to brush some hair out of his face.

"I, ahm, made you something. A birthday gift. If it's bad, you can put up with it, or sell it, or whatever." She shrugs, though shifting grey eyes give away how worried she actually is. A small package, hardly A6 sized, is procured from within her satchel bag and handed over. Wrapped in handmade paper, pressed with leaves, and a twine string, is a framed insect pinning.

What looks to be the life cycle of a midge, from larva to pupa to adult, so teeny and delicate.

Eir clears her throat, pretending not to mind too much his reaction. "Since we do not have a national insect, I did some research, and people think midges should be it. We even have that lake, yes? Mývatn?"

And the life cycle- it made her think of him. How he has grown.

Even with the buzz of activity around them, Eir is the center of Fannar's attention. He hears her, evident in his smile widening and his eyes crinkling at the corners in the way they do when he is really, truly smiling. It only widens further as she strokes some of his unruly hair back from his face — he just looks so deeply, overwhelmingly happy, as he does every year they celebrate.

At least until his expression shifts into one of surprise, as it always done when a gift is extended to him. All this time, and it still manages to catch him off guard that people would take the time for him.

"Eir, you didn't need to," he answers softly as the frame is handed over, already touched; but as he carefully unwraps it, he can feel his chest swelling with emotion. It isn't as though Fannar has any great interest in insects or their life cycles, but this is Eir's hobby. This is her craft, something special to her. And for her to make him something, and share her hobby with him... That is so special, it makes Fannar want to cry.

When he looks up from the frame again, his eyes have misted over a little bit, and he's smiling even more broadly than he had before.

There's a twinkle in his eye and such a warmth in his voice as he says, "I love it. Thank you, Eir — it's perfect."

[mahvaladara]

1, 8, 16, 20, 35, 50 and 60, for Mal, Arlo and Lysander

Lol, Okay, I'll start with Mal.

What’s the one thing they would save in a fire?

Personal journals, photo Albums or family photos if he had any. Memories.

Gamall's greatest regret is having destroyed the one family photo he had of Caitlyn and Seimei and him. He burnt that photo in a fit of desperation, when he accepted his condition. But then... he started realizing that Immortality doesn't equal endless memory. Gamall doesn't remember how his first wife and son look like and only remembers their names because he carved it into his arm and wrote in a diary how he met them and what happened to them.

So, if there was a fire, Gamall would take either the family photos or any journal he, or his kids had.

If they were an animal, which one would they be? Which one would they think they’d be?

A dragon. Gamall is a dragon. A paradox to be exact. But if we went for an actual animal... I think Gamall would be a snake. Beatiful, dangerous, well off alone and if you don't bother it, it won't bother you back, but if you dare annoy it, get ready for a bite.

As for what animal he’d think to be? He'd think he'd be a shark. He'd be a shark. Again, the same as before. Beautiful and dangerous, and well off alone. Just wants to swim and eat. Everyone wants to hunt them down to feel strong and badass or to take something from it that is unnecessary.

Do/did they want children?

No. 

Now, Gamall is a caretaker, and he enjoys being a father/mother.

But if he has a choice in the matter? No. 

Gamall in general does not want children. He knows if the children are born with his eyes (Paradoxal eyes) they will be not only a dragon, but a child of chaos and pain and misery will follow them. He, however, does know the decision is not to him solely. And in the other hand, Gamall is a caretaker, even if he's grown selfish and cruel, Gamall is used to taking care of people and he enjoys being a father or mother.

Do they have any insecurities?

His biggest insecurity is that everything he does is meaningless.

His biggest insecurity is that he will forget. Forget what he learned, what he fought for, what he went through... Because it will make everything he went through in vain... everything he suffered meaningless.

What are some of their simple pleasures?

Eating a chocolate.

What’s the one thing they would save in a fire?

Currently? A photo. He keeps a photo he sneaked of Fannar and keeps it as a bookmark in his journal. So he’d save that photo. It’s one he adores, one that reminds him of a better time, of when he first met Fannar and how much that dragon meant to him. Before then, he hadn’t hurt him, they were just two teenagers kinda dating one another, knowing full well it wasn’t meant to be.

If they were an animal, which one would they be? Which one would they think they’d be?

Which animal Arlo believes himself to be? A skunk. Kinda cute, fluffy and adorable, but stinks and therefore noone likes it or wants it around. It is also very reactive, as reactive as Arlo sees himself to be and doesn’t always react the best way possible to small things.

However, Arlo is actually a lot like a purcupine. He’s full of spikes and thorns and when threatened or angry he will bark like a dog, but deep inside, he just wants to live a happy uneventfull life.

Do/did they want children?

No.

But not as in the sense that he never wants to have kids. More in the sense he doesn’t think he can. Now Arlo is intersex, like Mal and Apollo, and can both seed and carry kids. But due to his illness... well. He doesn’t believe he can. 

Seed, he can’t. A big moment in Arlo’s life is when... well... spoiler alert... His penis rots off. Despite being inside it rots off. It does regrow when he regenerates but it becomes such a painful a repetitive happening, he eventually begs his dad if there’s anyway he get rid of it permanently.

 And he believes he’s too sick to carry himself.

Do they have any insecurities?

His biggest insecurity is not being enough.

Arlo has always lived in the shadow of Apollo. Apollo had the good grades, the good friends, the good looks, the good sports. Arlo is just the ‘stinking zombie racist’. 

He has worked so hard for everything, and he always fell short so currently he is in too much pain to bother anymore. 

But that fear remains, that he’ll never be enough, to be loved, to be happy, to be anything. And he doesn’t believe he deserves it either, that somewhere, somehow, plot decided he was unworthy of anything so all he’s fated to is rot and misery.

What are some of their simple pleasures?

Spicy food.

He processes sweet tastes better, and mild ones. But when he has a good day, he tries to eat one spicy burrito. It’s soft enough not to be to hard to eat, but it’s also spicy enough for his taste buds to just have a good moment.

What’s the one thing they would save in a fire?

His collection of journals. One thing Lysander absolutely adores is knowing about other people. He loves collecting journals. So he’d try to save as many journals as he could possibly carry.

If they were an animal, which one would they be? Which one would they think they’d be?

He’d be a tiger. Powerful and deadly but naturally lonesome.

He’d think himself to be a dragon and he desires to be a dragon. Again, much like the tiger, a lonesome being but extremely dangerous and powerful.

Do/did they want children?

Yes.

He wants a small army of kids. In story, Lysander actually adopts a whole bunch of kids and eventually does father one with Varlene before she is fridged, and even discovers he fathered another one in a one night stand. He’s more than happy with that and he wishes to give children the chance he was given by his father. 

Do they have any insecurities?

Lysander’s biggest insecurity is his memory. This is why he writes down everything. Due to Aldia’s torture, gaslighting and manipulation, Lysander often question his own thoughts and memories and wonders if they are Aldia’s machinations or his own. He knows they’re his own, but if you had spent over a decade having an eldritch librarian violating your brain like some 4-chan tentacle porn submission for three decades, you’d start questioning your own thoaghts too.

What are some of their simple pleasures?

Peace and quiet. You know that peace when you’re walking through the woods and you can hear the birds singing, the leaves rustling with the breeze and the water streaming down the river?

That’s the thing Lysander enjoys the most this quietude. This feeling of peace which is often crowned with a beautiful landscape, a sunset, or sunrays filtering through the canopy or framing the mountains.