#even if words like 'girly' and 'girly pop' give me gender dysphoria

[tumblasha]

thinking a lot abt thailand's view on being transgender...

[noroi1000]

Matchup for @adreamofleftoveromens​ 💕

ok so i literally love your match-ups so so freakin much!! i decided to get one and uhm sorry if the format’s wrong but here i am!      

i usually go by ria (nickname) online, so let’s stick to that lmao-

height: 162.8 cm or 5'4.50ish

skintone: pretty tanned (well wheat-ish? Idk what it’s called)

eye colour: dark brown babyyy ✨✨(i wear dark red glasses btw)

gender: afab but demigirlflux is more what i identify with.

body type: not really skinny-skinny but chubby either. i’m in between the hourglass and rectangle body type. i’ve been told that i look 2-3 years older than i actually am which is something i’m sortaa insecure about. and well i have body dysmorphia as well as body dysphoria.

style: oversized hoodie sweatshirts or graphic tees with black jeans. i wear three rings on a daily basis (two on my right and one on my left). i don’t really like skirts/dresses that much not because they’re ‘girly’, it’s more of like i don’t really like how the look on me and they don’t really make me feel very comfortable in my own body.

preferred pronouns: they/she/xe

sexuality: demiromantic and omnisexual (still figuring out my preference lol)

zodiac signs: sun: aquarius, moon: libra, rising: gemini

personality type: intp-t and chaotic neutral. personality-wise i’ve been described as sorta mean, sassy, blunt but also comforting, caring, curious and a bit dirty-minded (ok maybe a lot). i’m a bit of a naturally flirty person but if the person who i’m flirting / reciprocates, i basically keel over and die- like that’s something i cannot control at all. i’ve also been described as rather homebodied. i’m rather reckless, impulsive and short-tempered. i’m very very awkward in person, and have social anxiety. i love talking though, i mean if i know/trust you please expect your ear to be talked off if you even remotely bring up a topic I love. I can’t really approach people and be like “hi hello be my friend”, just extremely introverted. my love languages are quality time/acts of service (giving) and quality time/words of affirmation (receiving). i’m technically the definition of a gifted kid burnout but i’m working on getting better and finally getting academic validation again. i’m pretty angsty and pessimistic and have some pretty bad trust and attachment issues. i’m not really comfortable w/ being vulnerable with any of my friends (excepting my best friend; i love her to absolute bits) cause i’m afraid of being judged and called weird. i end up underestimating myself a lot which leads to low self-esteem. i’m a nightowl which leads to me being extremely sleep deprived. 

my likes: i listen to music at least a good 5 hours a day. my favorite genres would be rock/pop-punk/metal. i really really reallyy love reading so so much. my favorite genres are usually mystery/classics/crime. i love researching about greek mythology. i liked cooking a lot especially spaghetti. i love watching horror and slasher movies. i play badminton and basketball and i’m pretty good at it. i listen to true crime podcasts a lot, usually about unsolved crimes or serial killers. i love nature and animals; both literally deserve to be treated better than they are. i really like history, chemistry and biology a lot. i really love anime but i mean that’s pretty obvious lol. i really like collecting stones, old coins, expired credit cards, etc etc. idk why but i like arguing, well not actual arguing with shouting and crying but playful banter and little insults here and there.

sooo that’s all i can think of for now and please tell me if you need more info. thanks in advance 

I think your Jujutsu kaisen matchup is

Cheeky, a bit selfish, malicious, annoying, brutal, impulsive. Yes, it’s him. Especially in the eyes of older people and those who do not like him.

It’s exactly him. And he does not hide the fact that people consider him just such a man.

He often says something that can make you blush, scared or pissed off. That’s his nature. He just likes to be like this because a few people like it as it is. You can laugh with him and do anything. There is definitely someone who likes him and hates them.

He is very talkative and smiling to his friends. People he doesn’t like the first time will be ignored. That is, people who are strangers will be ignored, and people he genuinely dislikes will be treated as they deserve. No respect, no smile, no nice atmosphere. He’s just gonna be mean.

Honestly, I don’t know him as a person who approaches every person and asks if they will be friends. Basically, he won’t want to talk to anyone he has met only once and they won’t meet again. If there is a person with him who he will see more often, he will obviously want to get to know each other and start a conversation.

From birth, he is considered a prodigy, and that is the fault of a great ego in his mind. God complexes, but he’s not going to be mean to his loved ones. They just raised him that way. To make him feel the best.

In his life, he trusted a completely small number of people. Therefore, his trust does not fade away, and continues until the end. No matter what might have happened. Since he trusted someone, he would not stop. It is the same with attachment to someone.

He is a weirdo. In the eyes of many people, he is exactly like that, and you cannot change their mind. He’s just the way he is to them and that’s it. Therefore, Gojo has become used to such criticism.

He hates feeling vulnerable. He feels it especially when he is betraying or losing someone very close to him.

When you are one of his loved ones, you will only feel happiness.

Headcanon:

• Spending time together and doing everything together. Just you two. Upcoming moments that no one can interrupt you. Do whatever you want. No annoying and mean people around.

• Conversation. Conversation. And another conversation. You can talk for hours. It does not bind how long and about what. You’re just talking!

• He will do anything to make you feel good at all times. He will keep you moment, always say something good and nice. He kept your spirits up. He never hurts and never judges you.

• Despite his ego, he never considered himself less important than him. U never wanted to think like that. Why would he hurt you? You are the most important person to him, so why would he reject you and make you feel bad.

No matter if you try or not, you will still be wonderful to him, one of a kind.

• He doesn’t sleep much because he doesn’t need it that much. Even though he loves to lie in bed and sleep. That you only did not feel worse, he’ll make you sleep. If not at night, then during the day. He will just keep you in bed pressed against him until you fall asleep.

• “baby, you feed me?” If you cook and enjoy it, you can immediately expect to lie “romantic” on the couch or sit at the table while feeding each other.

Every moment you eat spaghetti, he is looking for the moment when you can even accidentally take the same piece of pasta in your mouth and kiss. Funny attempts, but it’s cute.

• Scare you when you watch a horror movie… It can be cruel or funny. It depends on what he will do and at what point. It’s a Gojo …

• Playing a murderer… It’s a game of tag at home for him. Only when he catches you, he goes to the bedroom, tosses you on the bed, and lies on you.

“You know if I catch you, you won’t get away from me, do you ~? Do not hide~ I won’t crush you or choke you while hugging you~♡. I’ll just catch you, hug you and kiss you until you’re done! You can’t even bribe me with a cake!”

[trans-advice]

Do you have any advice for me? Im trans ftm and out to no one. Today my mom and I were talking and she said if i was trans to tell her and how she pretty much know that I am, but she said it harshly and was yelling at me. She said she would love me still but then the next day she will tell me that she raised a daughter and not a son and that I'm a girl. I dress very masculine and she says she's disappointed and wanted to have a girly girl. What should I do? Do you think I should come out?

TLDR

Get prepared to leave/runaway. It looks like it’s getting ugly & it could get worse. Also there’s the risk of getting outed. In the meantime, while you prepare as much as you can, stay in the closet until you know you have some safety if it’s a bad reaction. Call your aesthetic “Butch” if your mom’s all like “be girly girl” up in your face. Might still get you grief, but it’s the partial truth.

Reasoning

Oy. I’m scared.

It doesn’t sound like your mom is educated about gender identity at all. Like maybe if she’s noticed you dealing with voice dysphoria or stuff like that, but I’m going to guess no, because she said she wants you to be a “girly girl”, which as a genderfluid person between feminine gender identity & non-binary indentity, I know about the aesthetics of “Butch” & “Femme” (so calling you a “trans boy”, instead of like a “tomboy”, is a flag for ignorance).

So, um, “girly” is basically another word for “femme”. Her clarification seemed to be based on her wanting you to engage in that aesthetic. Whether she thinks you actually are a boy or not, or understands the difference between sex & gender roles, or even assigned​ gender identity & actual gender identity, is not clear, and likely to be obstructive if/when you come out.

Not saying it’s on you, but I don’t want to totally villianize your mom. So Devil’s Advocate: I don’t exactly blame her for wanting someone to do girly stuff with because femme is somewhat stigmatized, but it’s also assimilation. So with her engaging in that activity/ritual with her hypothetical daughter (hypothetical because you’re actually her son) it can be kind of like from that angle unappreciative. (Effie Trinket popped into my mind like just now. lol.)

However, your mom’s not appreciating that you’re not a girl; you’re a boy. Therefore this set of assimilation rituals categorized as femme (performed by women) is not going to affirm/help you (because you’ll still have the stress the closet & likely interalize self-hate.) Granted, there are femme guys, but they get stigmatized so it’s not the same assimilation/survival flavor as mother & daughter doing/performing femme. [1]

So your mom is intolerant. She might still love you as a boy, but, and this is a big but, her skill-set might be restricted & that grief might not play well at all, (not your fault. It’s just how it is.) especially in the immediate future following you coming out to your mom. Therefore, you need to prepare for the worst.

I’m sorry about your mom, dude,I wish you peace & love– Eve

PS

[1]

An unlikely compromises could be, you ask her to take you shopping in your Butch style & her femme style synthesized. Then again I like doing that kind of stuff, not necessarily you, so. Eek. That’s why I said unlikely. Extension of the girly-girl as performance could be drag? I’m sorry, I know these are unlikely, I just wanted to to give you as many thoughts/ideas for you to use.

[aquarianlights]

I hope I'm not being rude by asking you this, but wouldn't you feel dysphoric wearing a wedding gown? I know people should be able to wear what they want regardless of their gender, but you can't deny that a wedding dress is as girly as it gets. One of my best friends is ftm trans* and he tells me, he feels very dysphoric wearing any type of "girly" clothes, so I'm very curious what's your perspective on that. Congrats on your engagement darling

OH WOW THIS ONE IS FROM YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS AGO WHEN I WAS ENGAGED TO MY EX-FIANCE!!! Well, fuck me. How the hell did I miss this? Nonny probs doesn’t even remember sending this and probs doesn’t even remember my blog, but for the sake of answering…I will tell.

I have this weird thing that I really don’t like to talk about called DID (dissociative identity disorder, I think is what it stands for???). Meaning…I have other personalities living inside me. It’s a hard concept to grasp and only those who know me well and talk to me on the daily know my internal family and can tell very easily when someone switches out.

NORMALLY I wouldn’t talk about this because it’s a really embarrassing disorder and I hate when people know that I have it. Only the people I’m closest to know this about me. There’s a whole structure and rules in place to make sure no one on the outside figures it out, no matter who comes out, although…those people that have lived with me or spent a lot of time with me…can instantly see the change. My body language switches, my pupil dilation is different depending on the person, my voice changes, my personality changes…so many things. I say “my” as to not confuse people, but it would moreso be “our”. I just didn’t wanna confuse people. Ugh.

ANYWAYS

The reason I’m telling you this outright is because it answers the question.

When I was in that abusive relationship with my ex-fiance, he basically manipulated me into becoming the perfect woman for him. I went by a female name (Ezri), I wore many, many dresses…lots of high heels…lots of trendy things…and my voice was constantly lilted and high pitched…I even moved very stereotypically girly.

But you have to remember…Ezri is not me. I am…well, to be completely honest, I’m not even Riley. This hasn’t been Riley for a couple weeks. But only my closest circle knows this. I legit couldn’t fool them by pretending to be RiRi. xDD I’m far too different, not to mention…the dead giveaway is when you meet me in person…I’m REALLY FUCKING LOUD…Riley is softspoken. Amongst all the other things that indicate I am not Riley Vincent Roswell, that fact alone will instantly tell you that this is not Riley you’re talking to. LOLOL.

ANYWAYS

Ezri was created specifically because of my ex-fiance. She was catered to his every whim and desire. Other than her mental illnesses ruling over her and ruining a few things…she was molded into the perfect woman for him. The one that my ex-fiance met was Riley. Riley, a male, is the one who fell in love and met him in person. When they met in person, Ezri emerged (along with a little rather promiscuous surprise visit from Zoey). But the point is…Ezri, a cis female, was specifically made for him.

The entire time, Riley was struggling to escape. He felt trapped and dysphoric as all hell. We all pretty much did. But my ex-fiance was abusive in very unique ways…one of which being extreme manipulation. He manipulated me in quite a few ways…but the biggest one was turning me into the person he wanted most…and when Riley got little moments to shine through to tell him that this was not what we all wanted and that this had to stop…my ex basically brushed him off like he was nothing/didn’t exist…despite the fact he KNEW I have DID. That had become apparent when he first met Riley, an asexual boy, and suddenly this body was on top of him, ready and willing to give him a blow job…and that was when he realized it wasn’t Riley he was talking to…it was Zoey. After seeing his reaction to Zoey…something inside of us had a desire to make the perfect person. Out popped Ezri. We STILL don’t really know where Ezri came from, entirely. Normally it takes quite a while for a new personality to develop. I’m talking years, people!! But, nah, fam…Ezzy just popped outta mothafuckin’ nowhere and rolled with it.

But every time my ex introduced Ezri as a girl to his parents, or she heard the words “she/her” referenced to herself, she would get EXTREMELY uncomfortable and it would trigger the everloving fuck outta her. I never use the word “trigger” except in a satirical way, but I’m actually using it in a literal way this time. WOO.

It’s…it’s such a long, long, long story of how our ex brainwashed her completely and suppressed every desire she had to be a male…like the vast majority of us that are present and past.

THAT is why one day…”Ezri” snapped. Although…what we hadn’t figured out at the time was that Riley was back in control and had pushed Ezri under, never to be seen again. The dysphoria was too much. It ate him alive. He snapped like a fucking twig. And, well, you guys should know the rest. :p (Grabbing Echo, running out to the car, getting all our things ripped out of our hands, drove off with ex still holding the car door, drove off with nothing with us, didn’t know where we were going…long fight…lots of crying and screaming…lots of angry text messages…Y’KNOW! THE THING!)

Yehhhh…so tl;dr: Ezri was made solely for ex and really wasn’t ever real. She never existed because she was pushed out too quickly and wasn’t fully developed. She didn’t know what she wanted. But there were hints of dysphoria in her, as well. But she was so caught up in the wedding bullshit that she wanted to try on allllllll the fancy dresses and shit. She had a thing for fashion…and dresses. She just wasn’t developed enough to realize she HAD dysphoria; But, nonetheless, we could all feel it very strongly in her, as well as ourselves.

SO YEH, FAM. Just wanted to clear all of that up. And it was kinda necessary to talk about the bullshit DID that we have. HAH. I really hate talking about it. :/

But UH cat’s outta the bag on me not being Riles. Lololol. Wonder who will figure it out first. ;D