#even if my frame was disguised i am so restricted the way i move absolutely would give me away

[krawdad]

You stupid fuckers I watched the guy put the request for my other shoulder in how did that shit not go through I have images showing my neck is fucked up and causing the progressive stiffness like I said it was how has the request for you to work on my neck never sent I'm holding the MRI in my hands right now are they faxing this shit to the wrong building am I going to die from an unprecedented accumulation of administrative errors and it's still somehow going to be my responsibility to resolve it

[2-cute-4-school]

Hiraeth II

Group: NCT

Pairing: Lee Donghyuck/Haechan x f!Reader

Genre: angst, idk if you take some parts out of context you might find some fluff

TW: blood, weapons, torture (not an explicit description), suicide attempt(?)

Word count : 9.2K words

Mafia AU  |   M.list

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3- Final 

Chapter summary : “ I still love him and I’ll love Donghyuck until my heart bleeds out of love. But I don’t love and I have never loved the monster who stands before me.”

Y/N’s head throbbed in pain as she tried to pry her eyes open, fighting against the harsh ache overtaking her entire body. She could feel a thin thread of liquid trailing down the side of her face and she had the sickening revelation that it must have been blood. Her blood. She felt as if her entire body was submerged underwater, in some rushing river with ice-cold water that chilled her down to the bones and numbed her limbs. As she cracked an eye open, her vision swarm, spinning in a whirlwind caused by the excruciating pain coming from her temples. A loud ringing resounded in her ears and served to make her even dizzier as she fought to regain her senses.

“I really can’t believe it was so easy. Just a wimpy kid under our sleeve and we took them down.”

The voice was muffled by the high pitched sound she could still hear, but it was enough to remind Y/N of what had brought there. Haechan, how could he? How could he betray the people he claimed more dear to him than his own blood, the ones who never hesitated to put their lives on the line to make sure he would be safe. And her members? She could only pray they escaped their attack and were on their way to her for she needed her guardian angels now more than ever. She needed them to tell her that life could go on, with or without Haechan, that she could go on missing her greater half.

As her senses seemed to come back to her she could faintly tell her surroundings. One thing was sure, she was snugly tied to a chair, bounded by thick ropes that seemed to burn through her skin. But nothing burned harsher than her agonized heart. She was left in nothing but a pair of shorts and a slightly oversized T-shirt, the bruises on her skin a scary purple, littered all over resembling blooming flowers.

Y/N shifted a bit in her chair, trying to get blood to rush through her numb limbs and lifted her head as much as her aching neck allowed. 

“Well look who’s awake, what a wonderful surprise!”

The same voice as earlier exclaimed and her eyes met those of Park Ji-won, cold and mocking as they narrowed over her frame. Y/N could feel her stomach sinking, a cruel realization settling in her mind as she lowered her gaze again and avoided giving him any satisfaction by seeing her so lost and hopeless. She heard the door to her cell being unlocked as Ji-won stepped inside, two bulky men following him closely behind, sporting smirks and a crazed glint in their eyes.

Ji-won approached her and suddenly his mere presence suffocated her, closing her in a bubble where air ran out quickly and her chest felt heavy. Y/N knew she had to stay rational, calm, control her fear and keep a strong facade despite the dread that froze the blood in her veins.

“I apologize for the harsh treatment” he motioned towards the ropes that dug into her skin painfully “but we assumed that in the early stages of your visit here you might want to give us a run for our money.”

“You assumed?” Y/N grinned despite the shakiness of her fingers behind the back of the chair.

“Ah, such a pretty smile. Too bad it will be one of the last times you’ll grace us with it.”

“That’s right, you probably won’t be alive to see the next one.”

Ji-won let out a short chuckle, his eyes shining with an unspoken hatred.

“And who’ll be the lucky one to kill me, if I may ask?”

Y/N pursed her lips, looking away as if deep in thought, racking her head for all the ways her boys could end his poor excuse of a life. She hummed slightly as she turned her eyes back to the older man’s who stared at her with nerve-wracking amusement.

“Hmm, we’ll have to wait and see, they’ll probably have fun making you regret ever messing with us, they’ll make you wish they killed you faster.”

This time he threw his head back with laughter and Y/N had to force her facial muscles to keep her lips in a smile, becoming unnerved with the man’s careless reaction to her entire demeanor. Suddenly, he lifted his hand towards her face, cupping her jaw as if admiring a new doll. Y/N jerked her head away, recoiling from his cold and disgusting touch, but he only tightened his grip, squishing her cheeks between his rough fingers and lifting her face back towards him.

“And who exactly will do that? You who’s tied to a chair with no escape and about to beg for her life? Dear Haechan, who has been lying to you this entire time and brought the end of your little gang? Oh, are you talking about the rest of the members of NCT?”

The thought seemed to amuse him further as he leaned his head, settling beside Y/N’s face and she could feel his breath fanning her earlobe he airily whispered.

“Let me give you a heads-up dear, they’re all dead. Burned down to mere ashes in the wind. There’s absolutely no trace left of them as if they never existed in the first place, an illusion in the darkness of the night.” 

He moved away from her and basked at the thrill of having the precious member of NCT right under his fingertips, playing with her as if she was a puppet. He had waited for so long to break the news to her, to start breaking her inside out, shattering her mind and soul little by little, shredding her hope and stomping on it right before her eyes. 

“No. You’re bluffing. Your dirty tricks won’t get to my head, they won’t work on me so you can shove them up your ass and choke on them.”

Her voice started to rise in volume and her throat restricted her from showing a firm voice as her words wavered at the end, cracking under the pressure of the sky falling atop of her shoulders, draining her soul of any fight left deep inside her, shielding her hope.

“Am I really? Unfortunately, as I said no trace of them is left so I can’t show you the downfall of your world. You’ll have to trust me on this, darling. But I can tell you for sure I enjoyed watching Taeyong lose everything, God, you should have seen the look in his eyes as he finally realized he was doomed, absolutely delightful.”

Y/N wanted to rip Ji-won to shreds. Even just talking about her leader like that ignited her rage and she wanted nothing more but to let it burn, to swallow the man before her up and drag him to the deepest pits of hell. His words couldn’t be true, there was simply no way she would believe them. Taeyong couldn’t be gone. NCT couldn’t be gone. They were her guardian angels, they wouldn’t have left her alone in the Earth version of hell, she couldn’t bear the thought of going on without knowing they’re alive. 

“Already giving up? And here I was, thinking you’ll put up a fight, let us have some fun taming beasts like you.” Y/N gritted her teeth, but she could feel her desire to keep fighting slip away like grains of sand in the wind’s breeze. The only thought that gripped the last strands of her hope was the possibility of Ji-won lying in hopes of making her give up. And in this case, she couldn’t let him win. She wouldn’t allow herself to slip away as long as she had the slightest chance of being back in her boys’ arms, tucked warmly into safety.

“Come closer, let me also give you a heads-up,” Ji-won leaned down slightly, his face at the same level as hers, regarding her with a degrading look, as if sensing her resolve starting to dissipate “if I’m a beast, then you’re just mere pray.” Y/N muttered harshly and spat in his face before his head snapped away. It was her time to smirk as his content expression morphed into one of anger, his composed state shattering, letting rage surface.

Ji-won couldn’t contain the forceful punch he sent to Y/N’s face and neither did he try to. He gathered all of his strength and swung as hard as he could as his fist connected with the soft skin of her cheek with such power that is tipped the chair over, making it collapse. Y/N hissed at the contact with the hard floor of the basement she was held in and heard a sickening pop come from her shoulder before throbbing pain spread through the entire area, making her dizzy. She knew this was barely considered mild and just the beginning of what was about to come her way. She closed her eyes, letting the pain settle and trying to come to terms with the inevitable fate that awaited her.

Y/N could hear Ji-won’s steps as he came closer to her, the tip of his shoe slipping under her cheek and craning her neck to look up at him. She kept her eyes narrowed, regarding the man towering above her with utter disgust to disguise the discomfort she felt in her shoulder mainly. 

“I’m going to say this slowly since it seems like your brain is struggling to acknowledge your situation. You are doomed, little girl. The only one who will wish for death is you, you’ll beg for it in no time. But we won’t allow it, no, you’ll have to suffer, we’ll shred you of any sanity left in you, we’ll break you into millions of pieces both physically and mentally, just wait, The show starts tonight, we’ll have a lot of fun together, Y/N.”

Her name rolled off his tongue with repulsion and his tone assured her that he would religiously keep his promise towards her and somehow it reminded her of Haechan and how the situation seemed so twisted that it made Y/N want to throw up. Her worst enemy just promised her he would rip the little things she still had left away from her, strip her of her humanity and in a sick way Y/N was sure he won’t go back on his words. Haechan promised her Heaven, safety, and love, but all she received were deceiving words and agony. 

With a last forceful nudge of his boot against her cheek, Ji-won turned his back to her and left her cell, the guards locking the door behind themselves. While Ji-won waked away from her sight, most likely back into the house, the two guards stayed unmovingly outside her cell, keeping a careful eye on their prisoner while going back to chatting about their victory.

Finally left alone, to drown into her own thoughts, Y/N suffocated into the nightmare she was forced to fight through. The pain in her body seemed to fade away as her emotions were unraveling from the cage she kept them locked in and the real turmoil surfaced. Johnny promised her they were safe and in turn, she promised Mark she would come back to them. She could only bitterly guess both promises were meant to be broken. Y/N let poisonous tears escape from her tightly closed eyes, in an attempt to lessen the venom nestled inside her soul. Just the thought of never seeing her family again overwhelmed her exhausted heart and sunk it to the bottom of a drained ocean.

And Haechan. He literally broke her in half. A half that hoped everything was just a twisted joke and her soulmate would swoop right in and end her hell and a half that wanted to bring hell to him. Betrayal simply wasn’t a word in their dictionary because who would betray family, the only ones who pulled you up out the frightening darkness that enveloped you when everyone else turned their backs on you. Taeyong was the only one who saw a fighter in them instead of a person too broken to function again and the only one who defied anyone who dragged down his family. So Haechan’s betrayal was almost impossible to swallow and Y/N hoped she wouldn't have to.

Just like that, Y/N was forced to wallow in her own devastating hurt, turning her fate on every side possible as if rolling a dice that had already decided her outcome.

And what a show had been given to her, one that made Y/N want to detach herself from her body and float above the world, far away from the cruelties hidden down in the basement that had her name imprinted on it by now. Every visitor made sure to give her their worst, crack her physic and spirit little by little, piece by piece until she was left as a used doll on the dirty floor, an old toy that was starting to bore their owner. Y/N knew she was disposable, a mere punching bag for the heartless captors, but she didn’t have it in her to care anymore, taking everything with dull eyes and a blank mind.

“Y/N!”

Said girl snapped her head up, meeting Mark’s eyes filled with entire galaxies, crinkles at the corners showing such pure happiness it seemed only characteristic for an innocent child who hadn’t had the time to experience the world’s true merciless nature. Mark started walking towards her hurriedly and the bright smile on his face seemed to darken with every step closer to her until his light strides turned into a full-blown sprint. He seemed to struggle to reach her, but he only got further away the more he frantically called for her, dragged in the opposite direction by an imaginary force that insisted on keeping them apart.

The arm around her only tightened, pinning Y/N to her spot despite the panic-stricken feeling settling in her chest and putting pressure on her airways. Y/N could only look up and drown in Haechan’s warm honey pools which only hauled her further into her daze. His face was so so close to hers and his breath tickled her cheeks as she swirled into the warmth of his embrace, Mark’s shouts fading away in the distance, Y/N’s sole focus remaining on the boy before her, stealing her common sense and leaving her foolishly in love.

“You know how much I love you, right? You know I’d give up the world, trade the sun and all the stars for a second with you, that every breath taken away from you is a breath wasted for me, right?”

Haechan’s other hand, moved gently to reach her face and brushed against the apple of her cheek, letting his thumb run softly over the skin under her eyes as he took her in, absorbing her entire being and bottling her in his heart to stay as his reason to be.

“Y/N!’

This time Mark’s voice was impossibly close, echoing in her ears, shaking her up. Y/N let a shiver run through her entire being at the desperation laced in his voice. She instinctively moved her head to try to catch a glimpse of Mark, whose voice died again, muffled by her own heartbeat. But Haechan’s hand didn’t allow her to take her eyes away from himself as if losing her attention for a moment would shatter him. His smile stayed, warming up Y/N inside out and she was sure the sun was shying away from Haechan’s own bright aura that seemed to dominate over the world. What seemed to slip away was the calmness in his eyes which turned more and more distressed, screaming for more time, for another needed moment with Y/N, his beginning and his end.

“Please Y/N. You have to know.”

As Haechan’s face contorted in anguish, Y/N’s only emotion was confusion. Why didn’t the butterflies in her stomach go crazy anymore at his words? Why didn’t she fear the motive of his raw desperation? Why did she want to reach out and allow herself to be engulfed by Mark’s embrace more than she wanted to stay tucked under Haechan’s arm? Why did her heart hold so tightly onto her love for Haechan when all she wanted was to let go?

A harsh kick to her stomach snapped her eyes open.

“Already giving up, mutt?”

All Y/N wanted was to slip back into herself, allow her mind to run free with the desire to see her friends again, but she knew it wouldn’t be possible as a second kick, even more powerful, was directed at her once again.

“You’re becoming boring. It was fun breaking you, but now you’re as entertaining as any punching bag, maybe even worse. It would be a great pleasure to get rid of you, but the boss won’t allow it, says you don’t deserve to be freed so soon.”

The man whose name Y/N didn’t bother learning crouched beside her, carelessly gripping her arm and lifting her in a sitting position. She slightly lifted her gaze at the sight of a white coat and scanned the boy beside the gorilla who wouldn’t give her any moment of peace ever since she arrived in this hell. He seemed barely older than her, his scrawny structure visible even through his layers of clothing. He asked the other man to move back, and stepped closer to Y/N, uncapping the jar of soothing cream he brought every time.

“You know how it goes, it’s going to hurt a bit but you’ll feel better after.”

Y/N knew, of course, she knew. He had been coming with the same jar every few days, attending to her wounds, occasionally wrapping her up if things looked worse. He never talked more than necessary and Y/N truly appreciated that, becoming used to the captors’ running their mouths 24/7, wasting oxygen with their useless words. As he rubbed his fingers coated in cream over her black and blue abdomen, Y/N caught a glint from the corner of her eyes. A roll of gauze and scissors were hidden in the pocket of his coat, in case of need. Before anyone could catch her stare, she removed it, opting to bore holes into the ground as she let the medic finish his job and leave, but not before the ultimate asshole decided to kick her back down, letting her know that “that’s your place now, kid, get used to it”.

Y/N could only grit her teeth and close her eyes in an attempt to block out the hopelessness crawling under her shirt. She clung with everything in her to her vivid dreams where Mark or some of the other boys ran to her. They never reached her, not even close, but even hearing them brought her a serenity she didn’t know she would be able to find while locked up in a cell, beaten half to death. Haechan clouded her thoughts day and night, sometimes closing up her throat at the thought that she will never get to share such moments with him. She often reprimanded herself, how could she still hang onto Haechan when all he did was betray her and their family, how could she still care about him when the entire world told her everyone else was dead because of him.

“Y/N you stupid, stupid girl.”

She could only murmur under her breath, struggling to keep herself sane as she slipped into another light sleep filled by fruits of hope with the bitter taste of betrayal.

It was dark this time and no matter how hard she tried Y/N couldn’t distinguish anything before her. And the one calling for her was Haechan. He was near, very near, a breath away from her. His voice was hushed, only calling her name repeatedly before a shake of her shoulder forced her eyes open.

“Thank God, you scared the shit out of me.”

Y/N’s eyes snapped up bewildered before they connected with Haechan’s. It took her several moments before she could confirm she wasn’t dreaming and he was actually beside her, towering over her with a gentle hand laid over her shoulder as if he was afraid she’d shatter if he applied any more pressure. Instead of the honey pools that taunted her every time she closed her eyes, Haechan’s eyes were glazed over, hidden behind an invisible veil that kept his emotions at bay as much as it could. 

Y/N let her head drop back down, having no interest in talking to him, especially in her powerless position.

“Y/N, talk to me, I need to know you’re still there.”

“What do you want me to say, Haechan?”

Her voice was hoarse from days of not talking, the only sounds coming out of her mouth being whimpers and occasional screams when the men got rougher with their treatment during their bad days. Y/N spat the name she rarely used for him except during their missions with such venom laced in the word that Haechan was still taken aback despite his already low expectations.

“I just..I need to hear you. I want to explain everything when I’ll have enough time. I need to-”

“Is it true?”

“What?”

“What they keep telling me, that they’re dead.” She didn’t need to elaborate for Haechan to understand what she was referring to.

“Y/N, you have to understand-”

“I’m done with your half-assed bullshit, tell me the truth for once.”

Her words only served to twist the dagger deeper into Haechan’s bleeding wound and he knew he deserved it and plenty more.

“Yes. It’s true, they’re all gone. But Y/N please listen to me, I didn’t do it just because I wanted to, I would never, I swear. You have to believe me, please Y/N.”

He glanced at her, but the sight of her scared him even worse. He saw her at both her best and her worst, attached to the hip every moment of their lives, but never had he seen her like that, so disconnected from everything around her, so lost in her own thoughts.

“Haechan, the five minutes are ending!”

“I’ll be right out!”

Haechan shakily lifted his hand from her shoulder to her head, brushing away strands of her hair from her face and lightly cupping the back of her head with such care that even the moon would stop in awe to admire the heartbreaking moment before two broken lovers cursed to suffer away from each other.

“Love, please don’t give up, as selfish as it sounds. I need you.”

With a quick brush of his plush lips to her temple, a promise that Y/N could only deem empty, he lifted himself up and rushed out of her cell while he could still control his burning desire of keeping her close now more than ever. His eyes followed her until he couldn’t see her anymore and sighed dejectedly when she stayed rotten to her spot, her eyes void of any trace of the old Y/N, the one he doomed to more pain than he believed anyone could carry. But if he was sure of one thing, he could swear that the pain in his chest would be enough to snap the mountains apart and drain any sea as he was forced to leave the core of his soul behind once more.

Time seemed to pass slower than ever and Y/N could only mull with a bittersweet aftertaste of nostalgia the rare free days she used to spend with her boys back at their headquarter, the way she used to complain about the members’ habits. Oh how bad she missed those times and how she wished she could go back to Taeyong’s arms cuddling her against his chest, playing with strands of her hair or Johnny’s manner in which he threw her over his shoulder and paraded around the house, mocking her shouts in a high pitched voice, but with an affectionate twinkle in his eyes. Her chest ached with the burning desire of spending countless nights in Mark’s room, exchanging lyrics ideas and listening to the soothing hum of his guitar towards the early hours of the morning.

And God, the way she missed Haechan’s childish pouts that never failed to melt her heart and the way he used to nuzzle his nose against the crook of her neck, the feathery brush of his lips along the length of her throat as the fluffy locks on top of his head tickled her cheek every time he moved in their embrace.

All these seemed like long lost memories, buried at the back of her mind, fogged over by her pain. Over time, Y/N learned the pattern of the changes the guards outside made, she learned that the presence of a flashlight in their hand meant it was nighttime, she learned that they deemed her weak enough to leave her with only one bored guard who more often than not didn’t even glance in her direction as he leaned his back against the bars and went on with his life.

Y/N was pulled out of her thoughts by the medic who unlocked her cell, once again coming to check up on her. This time he was alone, the guard outside only watching him enter before returning to his business. The young man approached her, crouching down at her level and studying her.

“How are you feeling?”

She wanted to scoff at his ridiculous question. It didn’t take a genius to take a right guess just by looking at her for a brief moment. But she bit her lip, murmuring her next words.

“My wrists hurt” she made a small pause, contemplating over the weight of her words “worse than usual.”

The medic watched carefully and helped her in a standing position. He hesitated a bit before slowly untying her hands, the sole rope binding her.

“Don’t make any dumb moves or you’ll regret it. I’ll put some ointment on the rope burns, it should alleviate the pain enough to be bearable.”

With the rope gone, he brought her hands in front of her, holding her wrists gently, before spreading the cream over the irritated skin with such care that his fingertips merely brushed against her. It was the first time in weeks since anyone has treated her so delicately and she let the thought bring tears to her eyes.

“What’s your name?”

The medic’s head snapped up and his eyes widened, taken aback by her questions. He had visited her so many times, but she never seemed interested in him, shrinking back in herself every time he came close.

“Why are you asking?”

“Am I not allowed?”

He turned his attention back to her wounds that he was sure were nothing in comparison to the real damage brought on her body, but he stayed quiet and continued treating her. Y/N thought he was going to ignore her question and deflated slightly. This didn’t seem to go her way.

“It’s Minho.”

Y/N’s eyes studied him. He didn’t seem to notice her stare or just didn’t bother to look up at her.

“Minho,” he hummed, finally meeting her teary eyes, desperation creeping in her glazed over orbs “please help me.”

He sighed, knowing what kind of help she meant. He pitied her, but not enough to put himself in danger in order to help a girl he barely knew and had no future anyway.

“Y/N, it would be better if you stopped fighting, they would be more lenient with you-” Y/N shut out his words, and clenched her fists before launching herself at him, gripping the collar of his white coat, knocking him over with a loud metallic clang coming fro his medical equipment falling over.

“Please! Please, help me! Please!”

She shook him, the distressed look in her eyes shocking him for a moment.

“Hey! Sit back, bitch!” The guards slammed the door of her cell open, his angered yell echoing around the cold walls as he stomped over to them with large, angry strides.

Y/N was quick to clamber off Minho, stumbling a bit and stabilizing herself with a hand against the ground. She let herself fall back on her butt, curling herself up in a small ball to protect herself from the guard’s harsh punches that started to rain down on her, leaving sore spots scattered over her body and Y/N was sure purple bruises would adorn her body soon. She let fat tears run down her face and her body trembled with heart-wrenching sobs that were almost inaudible over the guard’s curses directed towards her. She had to keep it up.

“Stop, stop, she’s not worth it.”

Minho stretched a hand and gripped he guard’s shoulder after rising to his feet and dusting himself off. The guard turned around, arguing with Minho, insisting that he should break all of her fingers, one by one, to show her that ‘scum like her shouldn’t even be allowed to look at them, much less to dare to touch them’. Y/N could barely fight the victorious smirk that wanted to stretch her lips and took the opportunity to sneak the scissors she had gripped when she ‘stabilized’ herself inside her bands and slip them inside the elastic band of her underwear, before returning her hand over her head to seemingly shield herself.

“Leave her alone, she’s not worth it.”

“We should still teach mutts like her a lesson.” the guard growled, shooting her a disgusted glare.

“You shouldn’t waste time with her, even dogs are smarter than her, she won’t learn anything.”

The guard chuckled darkly, spitting at Y/N, missing her by a centimeter.

“You’re wrong. You’re insulting dogs by comparing her to them. She’s less than the shit on the sole of your shoes, she’s really not worth anything.”

Y/N wanted to laugh at them, spit back and crush their heads under her foot, show them the real scum, but she was smarter than that. Patience was her only friend at that moment and hand-in-hand with it she would conquer her newfound purpose.

The guard roughly gripped her wrists, a sharp contrast to Minho’s gentle touch from earlier, and forcefully brought them to her back, tying them with the rope, tightening it even more than before and smiled at the sound of Y/N’s pitiful wince of discomfort, a sadistic amusement twisting his features at the sight of her pain.

“You shouldn’t come anymore, you’re wasting useful resources to treat her.”

The guard rose again to his full height, delivered a last powerful kick just to startle the girl to his entertainment and tuned around, directing his words to Minho who only watched with a passive expression, seemingly bored by the events as he gathered everything that had fallen over earlier.

“Right.” He hummed and he caught Y/N’s eyes in a quick glance before hurrying after the guard and leaving her sight as the guard stayed behind to lock her up and plopped himself down, turning his back to her and whistling unbothered. He took out a cigarette and a lighter, lighting up one end of the stick and putting the other one between his lips, taking a long drag and releasing a large cloud of foul smelling smoke.

But Y/N mulled over Minho’s look. His eyes were slightly narrowed, as if searching her, trying to penetrate through her act. Had she seemed too desperate for him to believe her? But she didn’t feel like she exaggerated, it was nothing a prisoner wouldn’t beg for once meeting a kind enough person. Had he noticed the small pair of scissors that disappeared? But he had so many and the one she stole was smaller than her palm and she had never seen him use it. Y/n could only pray the facade she put up and the show she conveyed to strengthen it was enough to buy her time to make her final move.

Despite her worries and the pain and numbness overcoming her tired body, Y/N let a twisted smile creep on her face as she leaned her head back against the wall. Her eyes stared unfocused in the darkness, finally feeling accomplished with herself in a long time. Maybe her acting skills weren’t so rusty after all. So many fake tears and meaningless words thrown around almost choked her up, but she did what had do be done in order to prove herself that their work along the years wasn’t in vain, that she wouldn’t let NCT go down without a fight, vanish without a trace before they burnt down the world around them. Sure, the fact that most of the people surrounding her during her stay in the cell had smaller brains than a pigeon’s and their common sense was worse than that of a headless chicken, but these only made things easier for her.

Y/N was done. She was done with her filthy cell, done with the assholes who kept on talking down to her as if they were meant for anything more than dumb guard dogs, done with the sickening mind games they thought would break her. But more than anything, Y/N was done with letting anyone, Haechan or not, betray her family and get away with it. 

If that disgusting man got anything right in his entire life, it was that Y/N had no future. Her life had ended at the same time NCT vanished. She had nowhere to go, no one on her side and for the second time in her life, she was alone. She was left alone, a lost soul trudging tiredly through the dark columns of her life, admitting that this time it was truly over for her. While when she was a little girl a guardian angel found her and took her under his wing, introducing himself as Taeyong and welcoming her in their self-made family, this time no one was coming. And frankly, she made peace with the idea, reuniting with her boys after a long, painful fight that finally exhausted her. Y/N was ready to give up, she had no means to escape or to go on living in a world where they were gone. It simply made no sense to her.

She only had to wait for the next night to make things right, to honor Taeyong’s golden rule. ‘Traitors are less than rats. They have no place on Earth.’ And Y/N swore to make sure to fulfill his words or die trying. She swore to ruin Haechan in any way possible, to watch the light fade from his eyes as desperation clouded his features, before crumbling herself in Taeyong’s protective embrace. She would bring the ones who dared to harm her family their very much deserved end, serve it to them on a plate and shove it down their throats with no mercy, let them slowly choke with it as she watched them fade away with eyes that regained their sparkle for one last time before joining her awaiting family.

That night, all Y/N could dream about were the bright smiles on her members’ faces that put the sun itself to shame and warmed up her soul every time she could catch a glimpse of them. All she could feel was the comforting warmth radiating off their bodies and enveloping her and their sparkling eyes with countless galaxies that reflected happiness so pure that angels swooned over the serenity that seeped through them.

All Y/N could believe in was their endless love that held no barriers.

Hours of waiting chopped at Y/N’s sanity little by little as she had to swallow down the adrenaline pumping through her body. The pain in her body felt like a mere memory, only stirring her lack of patience even more. The moment her eyes caught sight of the new guard lowering himself beside her cell, sticking a flashlight in his pants pocket, her blood started pumping with excitement. She felt as if she was about to burn up, explode in huge flames impossible to hold back from swallowing down the entire world.

Y/N spent the time in which the man kept shuffling around to edge out the pair of scissors from her pants and twirl it around her fingers, etching it into the rope and slowly but surely cutting the rough material. She kept her movements minimal and as silent as possible, making sure that her plan wouldn’t be stopped so early on. She couldn’t allow that. Y/N only had one chance and she made sure she didn’t need any more.

Despite the madness running through her veins, poisoning her blood, her mind was completely clear, no fog clouding it over. Her eyes were sharper than ever, focusing solely on her goal, pushing her feelings aside for the time being. The rope came off, slowly slipping off her sore wrists, but she made no movement to change from her position on the ground, waiting for any sign that the guard might have heard anything out of the ordinary, but he was as oblivious as ever, a mindless pig confined in a slaughterhouse.

As Y/N started crawling towards the bars that kept her locked for weeks that dragged on, her body resembled that of a cat. No sounds came from the impact of her hands and knees with the ground and her torso was fluid, balancing her movements. Years of training paid off more than ever as she inched closer and closer to her freedom with her savior clutched tight between her fingers, some mere scissors, smaller than her hand and so frail she was afraid that they would break under the pressure of her grip. But they were enough, sharp just like her mind, sharp enough to easily go through rope and skin, small enough to wedge between the thick bars and maneuver them with no difficulty. And that was more than enough for Y/N.

She was a breath away, close enough to feel the smell of sweat rolling off his body. Y/N stayed as still as a statue. Was she hesitating? No, she felt no desire to turn back, none at all, but she needed a moment to calm herself down, regulate her temper before hell could break loose and her hidden demons could surface and swallow up any mercy left in herself. Her hand slightly trembled as she leaned closer to the man with a slight smile. She blew a feathery breath on the man’s neck, teasing him as a starting point of insanity that followed and before he could turn around, she clamped a hand over his mouth, muffling the chocked gasp escaping his chapped lips and plunged the scissors in his neck, right in his artery. It didn’t take long before he slumped against the bars, taking a ragged last breath and going limp as crimson liquid painted his skin and clothes. trailing to the ground.

Y/N released him before rummaging through all of his pockets and found the key to her prison. She was still trembling slightly as she unlocked the door to her newfound freedom on unsteady feet. Once stepping outside, Y/N felt a sudden surge of power, she felt unstoppable now that she wasn’t confined like a caged bird, longing for her wings to be freed. She stared at the dead guard on the floor as she shook her feet, trying to regain feeling in her legs faster. He was the first, the beginning of the end.

Y/N crouched beside him, looting everything she deemed useful. The handgun she knew all guards kept in their belt was the first thing that settled almost comfortably in her palm, along with the beloved scissors that she wiped on the man’s shirt before she tucked them in the pocket of her pants. But she knew he had another necessary thing on him. She calculated every move and there was no way she had mistaken the man. And as thought, she didn’t. She quickly found a pack of cigarettes buried inside the pocket of his jacket along with a lighter. Bingo! She also slipped the lighter in her pocket and mockingly patted the man’s head with a pout. She wasn’t kidding when she said she would burn down their entire world.

“Aw, thank you, you should be proud of yourself for being useful for once.”

Her words were acid, whispered to ridicule the almost too easy way she escaped what he must have thought would be her future grave. Jokes on him.

Her eyes burned through the darkness that awaited her. She couldn’t risk using a flashlight, it would give away her location too easily, but she didn’t really need it either. She had been kept in the dark for so long, both literally and figuratively, that she had gotten used to it, her eyes adjusting naturally to the lack of light. She roughly knew that the sleeping rooms must have been upstairs from the two guards’ conversation she had heard once, so she had two flights of stairs to go through, from the basement to the main floor and then upstairs. And then the fun was about to begin.

She gripped the handle of the gun tighter, her bare feet soundlessly gliding on the floor as her inner turmoil only edged her more towards the free fall that she knew was inevitable. She was ready to embrace it, leave herself float weightlessly over the clouds and allow the gentle rays of sunshine caress her tired soul as a mother would soothe her child after reuniting after a long day, but not before meeting Haechan. Not before giving him a piece of her suffering and watching him struggle to his end with it as Y/N merely watched her once lover vanish to nothing just like he forced her to.

She wanted nothing more but to free herself from the agony Haechan impelled on her and then dared to ask her to hold on for him. He was a gone man in her eyes, a flat lifeline, the furthest thing from how she used to deem him, a lighthouse that guided her through the frightening darkness of herself, holding her hand through everything and enveloping her in sweet murmurs of honey-like voice that she couldn’t help but grasp onto with every ounce of her being. Haechan was her first and last, her end and her beginning, her rebirth and her doom.

“Wait for me, Haechan, wait for me, my love.”

The scenario she found herself in was oddly familiar, resembling the one hours before her universe was turned upside down unexpectedly and cruelly. The same tension that pressured her airways was present, but this time Y/N wasn’t bothered by it, her hands weren’t sweating and her vision wasn’t unfocused. She had nothing left to lose so she trudged forward almost blindly, guided by luck and helped by her sneaking skills and common sense.

The house was mostly dark, asleep in the late-night hours. The only agitation came from the large living room on the main floor. As Y/N passed by with hurried steps but vigilant eyes, she saw a fading light from underneath the closed door, accompanied by obnoxious, deep laughter coming from a few men playing poker and throwing around chips and dirty jokes.

Once she found the stairs and climbed up, she knew the hard part was coming. Haechan was behind one of the doors for sure, but she had no way to be certain about a particular one. She observed all of the doors as she passed by them. She could hear snoring from behind a couple of them, others were entirely silent. Y/N knew she only had one chance and even barely that. If she was in her right mind, she would have never taken such a risk, but now the only thing on her mind was finishing what Haechan began. And Y/N hated leaving things unfinished.

Y/N gritted her teeth as she glued her back to a wall and held her breath in hopes of hearing even the slightest hint to begin with. She knew this would be the hardest challenge of her plan, but if it meant that she would find him, she was about to go to extreme lengths. Y/N rules out the room with snoring occupants, Haechan never snored. But there were still three other rooms. She couldn’t stand in the hallway forever, in plain sight for anyone who decided to leave their room. A decision had to be made, right then and there, otherwise-

“For fuck’s sake..”

The curse was hushed, barely heard, but Y/N could recognize that voice anywhere, at any time of the day. She found him.

She walked closer to the last door on the hallway, lingering her fingertips over the doorknob as she gripped her gun tighter in her other hand. She has been waiting for that moment for such a long time that now it felt unreal, but maybe for different reasons. She noticed a faint hue of white light coming from under the door and then the muffled sound of fingers drumming lightly in a table. At that moment, Y/n remembered Haechan’s habit when listening to music, something that she found both annoying and endearing, the sound his knuckled made rhythmically against the first surface he found. And since no music could be heard, he had his earphones in. Just her luck.

She slowly twisted the doorknob, finding it unlocked as expected from the same boy that never locked any doors after him and this was the first time Y/N wanted to congratulate him for it. She admired him from the back for a second, clad in his sleepwear and lounging on a chair while furiously typing on his computer with music blasting in his ears. What a comfortable life he led while she was drained physically and mentally in a cell smaller than a storage room, oh how lovely.

Y/N smiled sweetly and raised the gun, aiming straight at his head as she locked the door behind her with a soft ‘click’. Her free fingers then found the switch and with excitement running high in her blood, she turned the light on. She smiled even brighter, her gun following Haechan’s frenetic movements as he ripped his earphones out and turned around in his chair in a flash, coming face to face with his former lover, the one he coincidentally betrayed.

“How the hell? How...”

His voice wandered off, reality kicking in.Y/N’s heart started beating faster, but not from fear or resentment for aiming her gun at who she once deemed her missing piece, no. It trembled with an anger she had never felt before, one she tried so hard to control she worried it would leak over and ruin the scenario she dreamed of every night behind those bars.

“Surprised to see me, dear? I had to go such a long way just to find you, Haechannie.” Y/N pouted mockingly at him, enjoying the way his eyes widened in horror, but also a shocking drop of relief. He immediately stood up from his chair, taking rushed strides towards Y/N, before she tutted and put an open palm in front of her, mentioning for him to stop in his tracks.

“Not so fast, now. No need to rush after weeks of waiting, am I right?” Her voice was charming as if talking to a child, but Haechan knew the sugary surface could barely contain the storm beneath.

“Y/N, let’s talk-” He tried to take a step forward, but before he could fully move, YN’s gun made a clear clicking noise, indicating that the safety was taken off. Haechan started to sweat lightly, noticing how the finger laid over the trigger didn’t shake in the slightest.

“I’m glad we agree on that, but we’re doing it on my terms. You don’t move from the spot you’re in and you’ll put your hands up where I can see them at all times. None of these are negotiable, love.”

Haechan felt utter desperation crawl deep in his soul, taking over his entire being as he did as asked. He wanted nothing more but to touch her, feel her warm skin, her chest rising with every breath. He wanted nothing but to win her back and complete the puzzle inside him that broke the moment the back of his gun touched her temple so forcefully back at the party.

“Please, Y/N, let me explain, I would never do this on my own and no matter how hurt you are, you must know that.”

“Get to the point.”

A heavy sigh left his lips, his eyes searching hers in despair only to get blocked by a thick wall she built around herself, making her eyes so cold they could freeze over an entire ocean.

“Remember that time you were knocked out on the rooftop? On that mission we prepared for an entire month when you were caught last minute. I told you that I saved you. I lied. I was caught too, before you. They manipulated me, Y/N, they pushed a gun against your head and made me choose. To kill you or work undercover for them. What was I supposed to do? Tell them to just shoot you?”

“So you chose to betray your entire family and get us all killed?”

“I didn’t know it would get to this! Even when I was given my final mission by them, they swore not to kill you.”

“And they didn’t. They tortured me instead, stripped me of my humanity and my will to continue living. I should thank you, right?”

“All I did was to try to protect you!”

“And that worked out really well, didn’t it?”

It was so hard to keep their voices hushed enough when both of them were near their breaking point, emotions high and spilling over the edge, burning in their veins and darkening their eyes. Haechan’s presence and voice still stirred something in Y/N no one else could and she hated herself for allowing him to still hold her feelings in his palm and play with them however he desired.

“Y/N, I couldn’t sit there and tell them to shoot you. All I could think was that if they killed you, I would have been over. Everything would have been over, for me and for you. It would have been the end.”

“So you put us before everyone else.”

“Yes, Y/N, I fucking put you first, and I would do it all over again if it means you’ll get to live. You are my goddamn everything and I will be damned before I let you get taken away from me.”

“Then you are damned, Haechan.”She made a small pause as if recollecting her hazy thoughts “You lost me the moment you signed their deaths.” Both of them understood who she was referring to.

His eyes lost focus for a moment, his lips parted in astonishment. He had to make her understand. Now that she was standing a mere meter away from him he couldn’t let her slip from his fingers a second time. It wasn’t an option he could accept.

“Y/N, you don’t get it. It would have been hell, for me and for the guys too for sure. I couldn’t have lived knowing that I watched you die before my eyes helplessly, that my world shattered before my eyes and I watched the shards pierce my heart out while out story just began. Dying means nothing to me compared to losing you.”

And at that moment something clicked inside Y/N’s brain. She believed Haechan at that moment, she believed that the knowledge of her being alive meant more to him than his own steady breathing. She believed Haehcan when he said that he would walk through a burning hell and wilt slowly every day without his own oxygen. She believed Haechan.

And that’s why she switched the aim of her gun from Haechan’s forehead to her own, pressing the cold barrel to her temple, right where a former bruise from his own hit had faded a while ago.

Y/N had to admit, in all the years she’s known Haechan, she had never seen such agony twist his face. His eyes had never been darker and more fueled by such raw desperation that it almost made her tremble. The pain in his features could make mountains bow their peaks and poke through Haechan’s heart to feel it bleed tears. He could barely keep himself from reaching forward and aggressively snatch the weapon away from his love, scold her into next week from ever considering bringing it so close to her face.

“Y/N no, anything but that. Please, stop this, you’ve come so far, I’ll help you escape, I’ll run away with you, we’ll start over, just please. Please not this.”

He was almost sobbing, breathless from the waves crashing down on him, drowning him in regret and hopelessness. 

“I don’t want any of that, Haechan. You lost me when you betrayed us and I lost myself when I lost you.”

“You didn’t lose me, you’ll never lose me.”

“Not only you, Haechan. Maybe you were the biggest piece of my heart, but the rest were pieces too. And too many of them are missing to still be considered a heart.”

He couldn’t lose the fight, he couldn’t back off, but he could see just how much he had hurt her. He wanted only the best, but he could only watch as Y/N withered away and he was left scrambling around, trying to gather the fragments of a broken soul.

“You can’t do this to me. You promised me that night that you’ll always love me no matter what. You promised, Y/N! You promised!”

His voice cracked under the pressure of losing her. He couldn’t grasp the concept of this being the last time he sees her eyes, the two galaxies that brought him such euphoria whenever he caught a glimpse of them. He couldn’t accept letting her go after everything, watching his own sun pale before him and go out, leaving no trace behind her for Haechan to hold onto.

“I did promise and I still love Donghyuck. I still love the Hyckie who fake cried with me the first time I had to get stitches, who danced with me at midnight after I had to kill someone to survive just to calm me down, who held the world in his palm but still smiled like a kid. I still love him and I’ll love Donghyuck until my heart bleeds out of love. But I don’t love and I have never loved the monster who stands before me.”

He couldn’t hold it anymore. He felt himself burst with ripples of despair as rivers of tears carved their way into his skin, burning through the cracks and surfacing the real him, the one who was forcefully thrown aside and crumpled. His soul seared through the breaches and begged for anything, for another chance, for another life, for his lover.

Y/N felt a single tear slip down her face too, a lone drop that encased her suffering, the loss of her family, her soulmate and herself, a regretful goodbye that echoed through their bodies painfully.

“Y/N please, please, anything, I’ll do anything., just please...”

His words got lost in between his sobs as he could barely hold himself from falling apart. He couldn’t do it, not anymore.

Shuffling could be heard from the other side of the door, hurried steps and even voices. They were loud, but neither Y/N nor Haechan seemed to care about them too much, imprisoned in their last shared moment, a silent confession tying the two of them. But Y/N knew she had to hurry. She had never backed down and this wasn’t the moment to.

“Haechan,” He was already gazing at her, eyes swimming in tears made of piercing stardust and broken bonds, “tell Donghyuck I’ll always love him.”

He shattered. He snapped apart as she closed her eyes and he couldn’t contain his movements as he jerked forward in a desperate attempt to protect her one last time, now from herself.

But he was a moment too late as two loud bangs shook the entire room and deafening silence followed.

[rose-of-pollux]

Inktober for Writers, Day 5

Prompt: Build Fandom: The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Title: Redecorating Summary: In which Napoleon continues to show off, and Illya knows just how to deal with it.

Notes: ...I was going to try to make it look like my writing Napoleon in a form-fitting t-shirt was mere coincidence, but who am I kidding?  This was absolutely self-indulgent.

(gif by @napoleonandillya)

Cross-posted to AO3.

It had been a long time coming, but, at last, the offices in U.N.C.L.E. HQ were being re-done and redecorated with new furniture and carpeting.  Of course, given U.N.C.L.E.’s budget restrictions, it would be up to the agents to assist in the endeavors.

“Crime may not pay, but us good guys aren’t exactly rolling, either,” George grumbled, carrying a new, rolled-up floor rug under his arm as he passed by Illya in the hallway. “We have our own work to do, and we’re expected to play interior decorators on top of that?  We’re not even getting paid for it!”

“Perhaps not, but it has its moments,” Illya mused.  He indicated the box of draperies he was holding; Baba Yaga, his and Napoleon’s cat, was intently kneading the draperies as she snuggled into the box, purring in absolute contentment.

“Well, I’m glad someone is enjoying all this,” George said. “Where do you want this rug?”

“Just leave it in the office there; Napoleon and I will arrange it,” Illya said, indicating the office he shared with Napoleon.

George headed for the office, but then stopped in the doorway, staring.

“Ah, you noticed?” Illya asked.

“…Kind of hard not to…” George said.

Illya stood beside him, sighing as he saw Napoleon inside the office—in a form-fitting t-shirt, showing off his toned build as he moved boxes and furniture around.

“…Suddenly, I feel very overdressed,” George said.

“He claims it is a disguise for his next assignment,” Illya said, in a voice that clearly said he didn’t believe it.

“As opposed to…?” George asked.

“Wearing that for the sake of merely showing off the end results of his fitness training regimen,” Illya finished.  “Kept at bay by those many suits he wears all this time, it has been unleashed.”

“So are you two going to stand there and stare or help me in here?” Napoleon asked, sitting back on the desk.  “Because if you’re just going to stand there, I’m taking a break.”

He stretched his arms—once again purely for the sake of showing off.

“Where do you want the rug…?” George asked, still not sure what to make of this side of Napoleon.

“You can leave it rolled up on the floor; Illya and I will sort it out later.  Illya, if those are the drapes, I’ll have them now—we can set them up on the windows here.”

“So that there’ll be a lovely framing for anyone looking through the windows at your perfectly toned torso?” Illya teased.

“Well…” Napoleon leaned back further on the desk, propping himself up on his elbow.  “Either you’ve got it or you haven’t.”

Illya rolled his eyes skyward and place the box of draperies on the table beside Napoleon.

“Let’s see if your musculature can succeed in removing a determined cat from a pile of draperies,” he challenged.

“Please…” Napoleon scoffed, getting to his feet.  “How hard can it…?”  He trailed off as, while picking up Baba Yaga from the box, the draperies came away with her, as she refused to let go of them.  “My dear, can I have that?”

He cradled the cat in one arm and gave a tug on the drapes with the other, but Baba Yaga’s response was to now sink her teeth into the draperies and let out a meow of protest as he tried.

“…Having trouble?” Illya asked, innocently.

“…Give me a moment; I’ll figure it out.”

Baba Yaga let out another determined meow, increasing her grip on the drapes.

“Napoleon, you of all people know from our experiences that brute strength alone is useless; you must have guile, as well.”

“Right.  You know, some fish would probably get her to let go,” Napoleon said.

“Perhaps it would.”

“You could get some fish for me.”

“I could…”

There was a pause.

“…But you won’t,” Napoleon realized.

“…I think not,” Illya agreed, with an impish smile.  He now took Napoleon’s place on the desk, leaning back and propping his head on his hand.

Illya turned back to George and winked before turning back to Napoleon.  George responded with a knowing nod and slipped out, amused that Illya somehow always managed to find a way to bring Napoleon back to down to Earth. Then again, that was what made them such good partners for each other.

[hellomissmabel]

White Lie (For a moment, I was lost part 4)

MASTERLIST

Based on one of my favourite albums “For a moment, I was lost” by Amber Run.

Pairing: Tony Stark x reader, Howard Stark x OC!Julia

Summary: Tony seeks out your soothing presence before all hell breaks loose.

Word count: 1.793 (cut the previous part in two because I’m wordy)

Warnings: GUYS I AM SO SORRY (Also, to the person that called me “an average writer that doesn’t know how to pack a punch”, how’s this for angst my bitch)

A/N: I wanted to show you a side to Tony you don’t get to see very often. Sure, it is suggested, hinted towards, implied... but never explicitly shown. I dug into my own insecurities for Tony’s portrayal.

Disclaimer: I found these pics on Google, all credit goes to the respectable owners. I just put them together as cover art.

Part 1: Dark Bloom

Part 2: Spark

Part 3: Wastelands

I was sixteen years old When the silence took hold And it never went again

Patching Tony up is something you still haven’t quite gotten used to, especially when he’s all battered and bruised and the blood sticks to a creative variety of places. Unlike your grandmother, you’re not a nurse but a writer, you fight your wars with pen and paper and not bandages and gauze. In your entire life you’ve never seen this many injuries before, only familiar with your archetypal papercut, so you’re doing the very best you can to keep a straight face and remain professional about it. Yet you absolutely hate it, to see the man you love so dearly all marked up by the wrong kind of stains.

Finally finishing up on his last stitches whilst musing along to one of Tony’s favourite Black Sabbath songs, his perplexed eyes follow your every move. He has been awfully quiet ever since he strolled into his lab where you were waiting for him and Tony hasn’t said a single word other than the occasional grunt when the disinfectant stings a little more than anticipated. Every muscle is sore and every bone in his body is refusing to cooperate, his entire body falling limp and compliant to your gentle touch.

Still feel it sometimes When the weather’s unkind And my lover’s lips are thin

Tony has missed having someone to take care of him. He doesn’t like to admit it to anyone, because he’s supposed to be a strong man, but the sweetness of your smile and the softness of your eyes reminds him what it feels like to be loved in return. Knowing he should probably explain to you what happened and where he got all these cuts from, he chooses to revel in your unwavering attention a tad longer. He needs the reassurance too badly.

“All done,” you hum contentedly, putting away all your utensils and throwing the dirty leftovers in the garbage bin. “You are as good as new, my love.”

Gently cradling his face in the palm of your hands, you inspect the tiny scratches superficially tainting his iron resolve. The light in his otherwise lively eyes has been diminished to a faint and dull glow. The man sitting in front of you is not the smartass the other Avengers know, neither the invincible Tony Stark the public likes to depict him as. There’s a certain helplessness to his actions, to the way his eyes shy away from yours in a silent refusal to burden you with his inner struggles.

“You don’t need to say anything if you’re not comfortable with talking about it. I just want you to know I won’t judge. Ever,” you assure with a hearty smile and an encouraging tone.

But then I get out Tell myself the white lie That my faith would make everything alright

Tony allows your voice to tick off all the boxes in his busy mind in a feeble attempt to level out his breathing. You have become quite adept at spotting the signs of another panic attack and how it seeps through the cracks, dislocates his inner hinges and tinging everything he has come to know about himself. To love Tony Stark is to love Iron Man and that much is true. But you’ve also learnt the hard way that to love Tony Stark is to love an imperfect individual with faults and flaws and an insurmountable amount of poetry disguised by sassy and snarky remarks.

“I’m not going anywhere. Now let’s see what I can do about these booboos,” you whisper adoringly, gesturing towards the red grazes across his cheeks and forehead.

Slowly but surely, your lips lovingly peck each and every one of the wounds spoiling his handsome face. Tony closes his eyes when the tender caress of your lips reaches that sweet spot underneath his ear. Wordlessly, he holds out his arm and as you take his hand, he pulls you onto his lap, cringing at a sudden jolt of pain when you settle with his arms wrapped around your waist.

“Thank you,” he mumbles into your hair, inhaling the scent of fresh coconut. He might absolutely hate coconuts himself but he is completely smitten with your shampoo, mingling effortlessly with the natural, fruity odour of your skin and creating an entirely new perfume he will absolutely never tire of.

That I walk on water Like when I was younger

As he buries his face deeper into the crook of your neck, you lean with your back into his chest and rest like this for a couple, long minutes. Time comes to a standstill whenever you’re around him, the fast-paced lifestyle you had initially associated with Tony Stark nothing compared to the affinity he gifts you with upon his return. Nevertheless, it’s entirely against your better judgement. You’re off the deep end, head of heels in love even though you know he’s bad news.

He’s bad news because all of this is too good to be true.

I’m a failure, I’m a disaster And I don’t wanna be anything else I’m a loner, I’m a loser And I don’t wanna be anything else

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., please let me in.”

It happened entirely by accident, you didn’t mean for Tony to find out about the letters the way he did. You thought he would give you some time to explain yet he didn’t and instead of asking you to give him some space, trying to get his head back together, he kicked you out straightaway and had F.R.I.D.A.Y. restrict your access to your shared floor at Stark Tower.

“I’m sorry, miss Y/N, but mister Stark has withdrawn your access and has asked me to inform you that all of your belongings have already been moved to your old apartment,” the A.I.’s mechanical yet kind voice lets you know.

Ever since you moved in with Tony about a month ago, you’ve been keeping Julia’s box of memories underneath your bed, hoping that one day Tony will take a quick peek underneath the frame and find the box there waiting for him. That way you could break the news to him slowly and gently, if it wasn’t for fate pulling a trick on you.

“He has also instructed me to tell you that as of today, you are no longer welcome at Stark Tower.” The somewhat sympathetic ring to F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s message feels like a cold shower.

Yeah, I’ll do what I’m told Let the future unfold As I’m thrown down the rabbit hole

You spent the night crashing at Bucky’s place. Even though you would’ve been more than happy to sleep on his couch, Bucky offered you could take the bed instead, if only for your bad back. You made sure he couldn’t hear you when you cried yourself to sleep, fairly sure his super soldier hearing picked up on it anyway.

Your voice breaks as the realisation sinks in like a boulder rolling off a steep cliff. “Where is he, F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

The reply does not come unexpected. “Mister Stark is currently in his lab.”

Of course he is. With your head held high and jaw clenched as you round the corner, your eyes fall upon the glass cube Tony calls his lab, his ultimate shelter. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., please tell mister Stark I demand him to let me in. He owes me this courtesy just as much as I owe him a clarification. Make sure you tell him just like that.”

Through the glass walls you can see how Tony’s head shoots up as FRIDAY makes the announcement. He does, however, not engage in any eye contact and simply mumbles something by means of a curt reply. In all your hopelessness, you arch your ears as to try and listen through these damn soundproof walls, the effort entirely in vain.

But then I get out Tell myself the white lie That my faith would make everything alright

“Miss Y/N,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. speaks again, “Mister Stark is adamant that I remind you that your presence will not, in any case whatsoever, make him change his mind. You have, and these are his exact words, royally fucked up all your second chances.”

It’s the final straw, Tony’s unyielding rejection. You cannot take it anymore and crumble onto the tiled floor, your knees bruising instantly upon impact as your body grows as lifeless as a rag doll. Your wailing is heard all the way down the hall where Bucky and Steve are having a silent conversation, discussing what to do about your current predicament.

Bucky rushes over to you and encases you in his arms, lifting you into a loving embrace. As you cry into his chest, you whimper everything you wish you could say to Tony. “I was going to tell him, I really was. But something always came up and I didn’t think I could postpone it this long. I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, Y/N, and he’ll see that eventually. Tony’s stubborn, always has been. But he’ll come around. Now let me take care of you first,” Bucky shushes softly, rocking you back and forth. “Let me take you home.”

“No, Bucky,” you sob quietly, “I am not going anywhere. My home is here.”

I’m a failure, I’m a disaster And I don’t wanna be anything else I’m a loner, I’m a loser And I don’t wanna be anything else

“Listen to Bucky, Y/N.” Tony’s cold tenor rips you away from your cries and as his hard glare falls upon your crumpled frame, hiding away in Bucky’s arms, you finally realise what it feels like to make a sacrifice.

You thought you’d made sacrifices before, when you gave up on your previous relationship so you could pursue the job of your dreams. Or when you walked away from your overly religious family so you could have a decent education without them influencing every part of your life. Even so, those weren’t really sacrifices at all, they were tough and incredibly difficult choices but they were your choices nonetheless.

But to give up on Tony’s love is a sacrifice you’re not willing to make.

Tony walks straight past the two of you, avoiding your trembling frame like you’re infested with the plague. Bucky tries to talk some sense into you and even though it’s of no use, you do not protest when he carries you towards the elevator where Steve’s holding the door for you, wearing his heart on his sleeve when he whispers something inaudible to your ears and Bucky nods, an equally grave expression coating his sharp features.

Somehow they believe you will never set foot into Stark Tower ever again.

Do you feel the same to me? Do you feel the same to me?

Part 5: Are you home?

Tagging: the ever-wonderful @beccaanne814-blog @avengerofyourheart @a-little-hell-to-raise @unpredictable-firecracker @marvelingatthewonder  @mrshopkirk @hardcorehippos @iiharu-kunii @knittingknerdy @winterwolf57 @winterboobaer @shamvictoria11 @thedragonblood @hymnofthevalkyries @feelmyroarrrr @justareader @ourpeachskies @austinamelio @howlingbarnes @4theluvofall  @themcuhasruinedme @theoneandonlysaucymo @hymnofthevalkyries @amrita31199 @kiwi71281 @jaegers-and-kaijus @katbird787 @spaceprincessofmanygalaxies @marvel-lucy