#even if i werent trans id still feel that way

[gin-juice-tonic]

btw as an adopted kid its always so super fun to be around conversations that have to do with people only wanting biological kids, how its a special connection that cant be replicated, the experience of passing on your genes relating to humanity whatever, and how adopting is a sub optimal last place option that nobody actually wants to do, but might just do it if they have to

its always fun.

[gettinontopic]

This is so transphobic like what the hell is this

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[Image Id: A large addition to a tumblr poat reading "Also if I'm going to be honest, passing as a man is also just easier than passing as a woman. The rules to being a man and passing as a man are much more lenient than being a woman or passing as a woman. Trans women have to worry about shit like "I need to wear an outfit that distracts people from the fact I have an adams apple, and not allow people to see that I have shoulders, and learn makeup and basically become a voice actor and etc. and maybe I won't be called a man today" (and if you pass too well and the wrong cis guy feels guilty about being attracted to you, you get murdered meanwhile if you're a trans guy and you wanna pass as a man, you gotta like have short hair and hide or remove your boobs and at this point you can already just go to the grocery store and most people will see you as a man. Once you get facial hair and a deeper voice, most people will just see you as some guy. Like I don't understand why transmascs insist on this idea that they could never really pass. Like the idea that trans man who passes is almost far-fetched. Weird as hell." End Id]

Lets upack this shall we?

1."Passing as a man is easier than passing as a woman"

No it's not. The rules to being a man and passing as a men as strict as lots of rules for women. Have you ever seen a cis guys who fails to pass? They're called names, theyre physically beat, and theyre often ostracized from their cis peers just as fast as any trans person. Cis boys cant even pass half the time by the rules they made. Quit fucking lying about men just magically having it so easy.

Your experiences as passing as a man aren't universal and if you've never passed as one what makes you think it's fucking easy?

Also god forbid you're a black man, or a black man who is into something deemed feminine. Shit I've seen guys call black men women for wearing a damn hair bonnet.

Oh not to mention I'm only a man to transphobes when they can call me a "dangerous black man" only to switch back to tryibg to detransition me by saying "you can just be a masc girl!"

2.Adams apple

While you have to hide yours, I have to wear shit that distracts people that I *don't* have one. Cause, and I know this is wild, if they expect you not to have one for being a women, what do they expect me to have for being a man? Hmm? And if you're a man who's adams apple never came in? I've seen them called girls to. Shit I've heard a guy called not manly for missing his, and he was still in puberty!!

3.Shoulders

While you have to hide you shoulders, I have to do whatever I can to have the.. small shoulders on men? maybe if youre in a "non manly" field like music or art, but I do gym work. I better look likeit regardless of the disability that effacts my muscles growth and development or I am called maam by every guy there. Which sucks btw.

4. Makeup and voice acting:

Trans men also are regularly advised to wear makeup that masculinizes them and do voice training. thats some of our oldest passing tips. thats litterally never been unique to trans women. what the FUCK kinda of implications are you trying to put out here?

5. Murder:

Hey did you know cis guys will murder trans men bc they were attracted to them and then found out they werent "real men" and then kill them. shit cis women also kill us if they find out they were attracted to us and we aren't their ideal man anymore. do u know how men who hear im butch and into women behave?

Fuck right the fuck off trying to tokenize the murder lf trans women while throwing trans men murders in the "that doesn't happen" bin.

6. How many times have we said short hair and no boobs dont fucking automatically gets us gendered correcly!! We have voices that have to be trained, we have muscles were expected to build,and some men even watch the way you walk to guess if you have a dick or not.

Listen to any trans men. any of us for five minutes. those things do not making an easily passing trans man fuck you for lying about our experiences as not a trans man.

7. "You gotta like have short hair or remove your boobs"

Untrue! just Untrue. we also have to preform the rules of manhood really well. ive seen beareded transmen clocked for like so many different other reasons and you wouldn't listen to those men if it would save all trans people lives forever. cis men constantly dig at other men presentation to keep each other in line. Its a regular for them.

Also: not all of want to pass with those features. I deserve to have long hair and not bind and still pass as a man and you suck for defining everything around passing.

8. I don't know why you insist on this idea that trans women never really pass without obscene work (when ive met trans women that admit they have it easy by throwing on a dress and wearing her hair down) and that all trans men who have ascess to transition magically do pass (When multiple of us transitioning have said we dont)

If we can't talk about the ones who don't pass then you kinda can just sweep away the idea we don't face discrimination or danger and that's getting us killed actually.

None of us have said we can all never really pass any who say they can't are usually speaking on their own experiences. Because you want us all to pass so bad you don't care that we don't, and that it gets us backlash and hurt.

Also, if you ever read this, kiss my black ass and go reevaluate what makes you think you should speak on experiences that aint yours as if you're the one with the Hard Cold Facts.

[savthemusic]

i need to put this somewhere that someone might see is someday so a part of my story can be told.

a couple days ago, i was on the verge of taking my life.

i had the pills in my hand and nearly downed the rest of the bottle before calling it a night. i didnt tell anyone. i didnt have anyone to tell. didnt write a note or anything cuz i figured nobody would care about what i had to say, they never cared before. all my life ive lived in an abusive household, always looking over my shoulder wondering if id suddenly set my stepdad off, never knowing what would make him tick. threats on my life had been made many times for small things, i never knowing if getting a glass of water would be the last thing i do. ive also been struggling internally with my gender and my identity, who i wanna be, what i wanna do. ive made attempts to take my life before, none of them successful, but i didnt expect to make it past 20. i always told myself if i wasnt out by 20 id just get it over with. im about to be 21 soon and i didnt plan to even be here, i have no direction, i dont know who i want to be. ever since i was a child i've always had flickers in my mind of wanting to be a girl, wishing i was born a girl, maybe id fit in. all of my friends have always been girls and id get teased for it by the adults in my life. calling me a "ladies man" and stuff like that, i hated it. not only did i hate that i didnt fit in with them enough to just be friends, i hated being considered a man. i didnt find out what "transgender" was until middle school and soon the pieces all clicked together but i had to hide it. from friends, from family and eventually from myself. my stepdad has told me many times that if he were to find out i was gay or anything that he'd kill me on the spot. just the thought of what he'd do if i told him i was a girl made me feel sick, so i hid. all of this has built up until the other day i decided id rather no longer live than continue to live like this.

i remembered seeing online people talking about a movie that every trans person must see. I Saw the TV Glow. i decided to watch it, it'll be the last thing i do. cross off one last thing on my forever-incomplete bucket list.

the movie saved me. if it werent for this movie i wouldnt be here today typing this. i related with the MC in every way and it hurt to see her live the life i wanted to avoid. i cried. i cried for the rest of that night, i apologized to people in my life and let them know i appreciate them and i vowed that i wouldnt let myself fall down the path of hiding from my true self until its too late. "there is still time". that quote has been playing in my mind ever since that night. ive had regrets of not ending it that night, knowing that if i did i wouldnt be feeling this way anymore, but the quote is true. just a few more years and i'll be out of this house, out of this state that wants me dead, i'll be free.

my mind is drifting, starting to overthink, i'll cut the story here, but i just wanted it to be known that anyone that comes across this that even tho things are hard now you just need to keep holding out, patience will pay off in time. even if things change and i end up grabbing that bottle of pills again or if my stepdad does it instead i'll know that at least my story is out there.

there is still time.

[nadianova]

~~trans goetia may dev log~~

so idk why or how or when but i just straight up managed to delete the entire spritesheet for all of fufus expressions. no backups or anyhting because of course not. but that being said i had already been staring at the project long enough that i felt that i could do better. while i loved how the sprites looked i was running into MASSIVE problems when i was posing both of the chars together and trying to come up with stuff for the actual horny scenes. their heads were just too damn big. how you gonna even hug when your arms cant reach the other? as cute as the big chibi heads were its just not really that suitable for a horny game?

anyway i think i really like my new models just as much if not even more than the old ones. the previous ones clearly have their own charm but i cant use them anyway so from now on its this. i even made some fun test renders to get a feel for how they could look before i realized the dither shader i made was entirely useless since renpy doesnt scale stuff like that at all lmfao!!

the models have some whacky outlining that looks weird in some places so when im closer to actually having all the sprites done ill go through them and manually draw over to fix weirdlooking stuff. since its just solid colors and lines it will be way easier to modify them manually

i still have some kinks i need to iron out when integrating this new style especially in regards to all the animated bits i did, but as far as progress has gone ive done SO MUCH this month. if it werent for this remaking of the models id have a new build to share about now but that is going to come later. HOPEFULLY next month.

once the dressing room funny business arc is finished the next day will be about... circe gathering ingredients for the ritual to get herself some curves!!! things totally will go smoothly and nobody will be spanked or bullied in the process........unless?

thats that for this time! well, what do you think about the new models?  i think theyre cute. especially fufus hat. its probably the best thing ive ever done in 3d. super proud of that one. its so cute on her when she look all smug

this is post was brought to you by nadia nova real text edited from my official itchio & patreon devlog

[thedevilsrain]

oh wow guys i didnt even give you a gender update how mean of me. under a readmore cus its a lot! of stuff.

so i went to my psychologist, and i told him how i was feeling... he always showed himself to be a hard leftist, even mentioned going to commi punk shows a while back, so i trusted him enough in that way

i told him my whole story, how when i was a teen i tried male pronouns for a while, and then i started dressing more feminine and grew out my hair, and realized it wasnt really what i wanted, and that these feelings werent gonna go anywhere, so i want to try dressing more masculine from now on, because even if i dont come out as a man, ill still know what feels right and what doesnt

he was understandably not speaking a lot, i mustve talked for 20 minutes nonstop, and it was good... it was really good. id literally never said these things out loud with my mouth anymore because i was so scared. and he was not only supportive but he asked me if i preferred male pronouns (to which i said no, id rather not)

this is already wayyy personale but i mentioned my t3rf sister at some point, and i told him something i always felt but didnt mention out loud, that in my mind, i related way more to a trans woman than i did her. and ive been thinkin about that a lot

i know talking about something so personal on tungle might not be the best idea, but for me it helps, i dont care. it helps me to put these things that i literally ALWAYS bottle up and NEVER tell anybody into words. it even helps me achieve some form of clarity, so that i know what to say when the time comes

[booblywooblies]

actually, on the topic of "the little girl you used to be" i have actually had a concept/philosophy since about 2019 about "the girl in the photo"

so for context: ive always been a little genderless goblin, ive always had bowl cuts and played with boy toys and sports and dirt and animals, i wanted to be steve irwin when i was a kid and i hated barbie. this carried on well into my teen years where i was still a tomboy and people thought i was a lesbian, i think it was really starting to hit me that id eventually have to start living as a woman unless i grapple with the fact that im trans (something ive been on and off thinking about since the age of 7)

so i was like okay, im a trans man and im going to transition, but until then i may as well try being feminine, like, yknow for fun, bc ive never really presented that way

this is where the MAJORITY of my "girl" selfies take place, ages 18-22 (i hit my gender performativity limit at 22 and started to have bad break downs about it so thats about when i gave up went back to normal but thats not important for now)

so during this time i was struggling with like, basically trying to look as appealing as possible, i learned how to pose my back and my face and angle my camera just right and i used filters and lighting and all kinds of stuff. i started to develop this idea of "the girl in the photo" she was never actually me because yknow i have a flabby body and half lidded eyes and a double chin and stuff, and because she wasnt me it didnt matter how fake she was so it was okay if i cleared up my skin with apps and edited my face to look less fat. she wasnt me, but like, at the same time she also wasnt *real*

not just in the sense that she was a false lookalike of a real person but she was also a dishonest representation of an identity that didnt belong to anyone in the first place, she was a figment of my imagination that i captured in images and presented to the (online) world as a character i sometimes played

ive actually considered fishing for funny replies on a dating site using old pictures of me and using the name "maisy" in a fake profile. bc when i was 18 i was on okc a lot, i never met up with anyone because they all saw me as the girl in the picture and it made me feel disgusted. but some of the messages i got were so bizarre and it was fun to make fun of them with my friends.

i still like the old pictures i took, they dont really make me feel dysphoric because, even my friends ive known since middle school have said "thats a completely different person, before and after"

and its like, obviously i am what youd consider transgender, i was born with a certain set of genitalia and i didnt feel the initial puberty my innate hormones caused for me was good for my well being (obviously everyones definition of trans is different but for me this is how it worked out for me) but theres something about this character i created for a handful of years of my life that feels like it was the biggest change ive ever made. me pretending to be a woman in appearances only was the most different my gender has ever been throughout my life. like its so simple to me that ive always been male, i was a little boy, a guy, and now im a man. you cant claim to know if you werent there.

[detransexual]

Ok but i am bitter about my transition honestly. It felt like the only option and thats helped me justify it but honestly its fucked up that it felt like the only option in the first place. Because it genuinely did, my dysphoria became debilitating, and i dont think i could have kept identifying as trans and not get the masectomy, but maybe i could have been convinced to wait with hormones, maybe i could have been convinced to stop identifying as trans, maybe if someone had told me it was okay to be a woman and exist in any way and that there was nothing wrong with my body itself even though it was the cause of many unwelcome things. It would have been hard because i was in so much pain and would have clung so tightly to it and would have been pressured on by my peers to not listen but maybe, maybe i could have had a different outcome and a completely different life. I feel like im mourning the person i could have been? Because she's gone and i crushed her because it sure as hell aint me anymore, im truly not trying to be edgy here like im genuinely in pain and it feels like the girl i was growing up is like, dead haha? Its like its someone elses memories, it just doesnt feel like it was me and that fucks me up more. Im always going to be different now, im never going to feel like i belong among other women because im always aware that they see me as male and i dont want to make other women feel unsafe around me the way men make me feel? Sure i could get my beard lazered or something but my voice is always gonna sound like this now, im never going to know what id have sounded like as an adult woman, and it fucks me up. And voice training truly just... I dont want to spend the rest of my life putting effort into how i talk? But I still prefer my flat chest over how it looked right after surgery, i just wish i had something left and that my nipples werent so fucked up? But like what can you do, complain i guess? Anyway haha ill truly never know who i would have been as a person if i didnt grow up surrounded with this shit, like man honestly fuck the internet i woulda been lonelier but id have probably been so much healthier for so many reasons lmao.

[dirt-grub]

Dan and or chris for the headcannon thingy?

OKAY ONCE MORE FROM THE TOP CAUSE TUMBLR ATE THE LAST ONE

ahem.

Headcanon A: what I think realistically

Dan had a shit childhood and shit parents, and isn’t dealing with any of the issues spawned by that, hence why his life is kind of a disaster and his functionality as an independent adult is uh. subpar. 

Having grown up together and witnessed some of it secondhand, Chris knows not to bring it up too much with Dan. They both have an unspoken agreement and understanding not to approach certain topics with each other. They’re very good at reading each other, so Chris knows exactly how much he can actually get away with prodding Dan to act like a people for once, and vice versa Dan knows when to actually drop an argument when it gets into a serious place. Its incredibly weird for Elise to watch, and as incredibly close she is with Chris they have a very close bond that’s difficult for her to understand with how far back it goes. Also, in the beginning of Chris and Elise’s relationship, despite very vocally objecting to the entire thing when Chris was around, Dan begrudgingly gave Elise advice on how to speak Chris essentially, telling her what to avoid and what to talk about with him. He phrased it in a condescending way but we all know he was being a softie because he knows Elise makes Chris happy :,)

(also bonus every single roadtrip with all three of them ends up like this)

Headcanon B: what I think is fucking hilarious 

Dan is always visibly covered in cat hair. Trust me I’ve had a black and white cat before and you just can’t win. Whatever color you wear SOME of the fur will ALWAYS show up on it. You can always tell where Dan has been you just follow the trail

Chris’ gap/chip/whatever in his front teeth were the result of some dare. Based on a story from my childhood where we all dared a kid on my bus to lick the frozen bus window, and the bus jerked and he smashed his face on it and lost a tooth. Luckily irl it was a baby tooth but like that seems like a very Chris thing to happen even tho im sure its actually just genetic (also Brian if youre out there im sorry i laughed at you when you lost your tooth and im also sorry i stole your holographic staraptor pokemon card. id still have it if it wasnt for that miserable little troll bastard down the street who then stole it from ME a few years later. poetic justice i guess)

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

*cracks knuckles* i was born for this

Dan’s never slept a full night in his entire adult life, and has terrible nightmares constantly. His hypervigilance directly comes from his awful childhood, and Chris is his one single source of stability where most well adjusted people would have an entire complex system of friends and family to rely on. Chris is his ��safe’ person -which I think is primarily an anxiety term but oh boy trust me is it a post traumatic thing also- The two have fundamentally different outlooks on the world and relationships, so theirs is pretty complicated, with Chris not actually realizing that despite the poor treatment, Dan has him on a pedestal in his mind that no one else has ever been privy to before. He has a damn shitty way of showing affection, but its revealed through his constant dependency on Chris and Chris alone that he holds him in incredibly high regards and would likely be devastated into complete nonfunctionality without him around. 

Chris has some self esteem issues with this and how it relates to his perceived importance in the lives of his loved ones. With Elise as well, he feels overshadowed by her talent and dependability, not realizing he’s the rock keeping both her and Dan grounded and relatively happy. Elise however is way better at communicating how much she loves Chris and genuinely both needs and wants him around. Also, I believe that Dan’s insane plots are some sort of an appeal to Chris in an outdated way- when they were younger they used to make those crazy plans together, as evidenced by the camp episode and mentioned a few times in passing (there was some line that stuck out to me in the gym ep along the lines of lets do it like old times, come up with a plan together) in Dan’s disconnected mind, he’s still in the past where Elise was never a participant in their lives and Chris and him were still immature and carefree, just the two of them against the world. In a misguided way, he thinks he’s inviting Chris to something fun and nostalgic every time he drags him along for something insane, not realizing in cases like the camp episode they were in the right and forced to fight back against something, and that stretching small grievances into huge meltdowns is an issue, the opposite of what would appeal to Chris now in his adulthood. Part of him is worried about him and that old bond being left behind if he doesn’t keep that very specific set of circumstances going. 

that got too long and psychoanalyzey lets move on HKDAUSL

D: would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

TRANS TRANS TRANS T

this isnt as much a headcanon as an observation but dan has powerful new yorker energy (to me, the new yorker who never shuts up about new yorking). he just checks off a lot of the stereotypes and i wouldnt be surprised if the two of them had grown up around here instead of always living in cali like is canon. he checks all the boxes, rude, loud, opinionated, impatient, cant drive but complains about every other driver on the road, snobby in a weird despite living in a shithole apartment in a cesspool neighborhood, confrontational with complete strangers, colorful aggressive language, the whole thing. ive found personally that whenever im far enough out of state it is PAINFULLY obvious im from new york, given how im just naturally more aggressive in my speaking and mannerism completely unintentionally. Like, ive got a sailors mouth, i complain REAL hyperbolically, and until i noticed it it genuinley put people off who werent used to it HDUSALAS its just. the norm here. im not as angry as i sound lmfao i just talk real aggressive which is v dan

[misterbitches]

i wish more than anything he could have had this. i love you man

i really fucking do

my love for nirvana and immense respect for kurt isn't something i ever expected. after being a huge fan of jonghyun too as a musician, a person who had things to say, a human being. the people around him. i fucking hate that kurt is gone and i was like...2. i got into hole when i was like 25 really heavily and refused to listen to nirvana. didnt' care about these white boys. but there's a reason why people love this band and why they loved kurt. i get mad sometimes at his death—selfishness—and then i make jokes to deal and cope. we all do with everything. it's just that and this is from a cis person...but i know so many trans people or people on the gender spectrum who have read his journals see him as someone struggling with gender. and after years of thinking and becoming such a huge fan i think that was honestly the truth. i think at this point we're all pretty sure he was gender queer or struggling with identity.

his aversion for oppression, his stand with the marginalized, not accepting racism, homophobia, transphobia BECAUSE THAT IS THE HEART OF DIY (spurred by my black people cos ofc it is and we do everything) and i wish that he could have beeen better.

to me it seems like his pain with his crohns (or wahtever he had) lead to his intense struggle with drugs because that's pretty common when needing pain management. on top of that, his family's history of MI. on top of that, his life being hounded and not being prepared for it (this i think is the idea of white privilege at work and wasn't naive of him necessarily, but...it's just something he thought wouldnt happen to him. that's whiteness at work as who they were as a diy fucking anti pop anti capital punk band. sonic youth said 'we didnt sell out, we made them buy in') and his rship with courtney. he said without court he might be gay or bi.

i won't read his journals, it's too fucking much for me and i dont feel allowed or maybe i will when i can handle it, but i know reading about them and him and hearing the way he changed his songs and his abhorrence for bravado, for men that talk about women as disposable and sex objects, for not being able to enjoy a punk band, for the whiteness and maleness. krist novoselic was a 6'7 fucking bassist and dave grohl is a sizeable dude with hideous tattoos. back then, no one said a fucking bad thing about them. come as you are.

we know that suicide is a state we get into. when you go to a psych ward you see that it's actually calm and an ebb/flow. it is extremely fucking boring. the thing is we don't know if these feelings last forever. we can't go back and time and history cannot change. it was his decision, like jonghyun's, to end his life. but i know there could have been longer. if they got help. i try not to resent courtney especially not now with people being irresponsible and unearthing the FBI report on him. he killed himself but it was definitely emotionally sparred by her and she should have told people what happened weeks before his death.

but no one failed him per se. his suicide note is full of hope and it kills me to see. he should have been able to be whoever he wanted. been a son, been a daughter, been anything.

whenever i hear the changed lyrics or see him in a dress or hear distress i dont know. i wish we didnt lose him but i also know that no one wants to go back to that time. it wasn't necessarily great but it wasn't all bad. and i wish commodity didn't destroy legacy. i wish we werent's so obsessed with the death and gore instead of the liveliness and hilarity of this band and of kurt. and i wish we could talk about him more and the idea that maybe there's so much going on with it; i have many critiques for things they have done, things kurt has done as well.

i'm talking in circles but i genuinely just get bummed. every day he is still dead. but this dude man......i love him a lot. i'm so glad nirvana gave what they did to the world. getting to know kurt so long after the fact is fucking hard sometimes. it is frustrating. but focusing on the positives too or trying to understand another perspective has given me a lot of insight. and i always try and remember that it wasn't just one thing, that nirvana were a band, it wasn't just him, and he could have been better but it just didn't work out that way. it's not solely about his internal pain and the narrative of a tortured artist is suffocating.

he wanted to be a star, make this insane pop song, and when he got it he didnt realize it became everything he hated. he was already struggling and all this shit hit a point. i have mad respect for them still. dave grohl said billie eilish is the kurt of her gen (about 2 yrs ago) and that drives me up a wall for various reasons. antiblackness and class. fuck that. these dudes were poor as fuck trucking it through washington with other bands and the basis is blacness and black art they were trying to fight and make it and give a shit man. it didnt turn out the way they could handle but they were not PRIMIING themselvs for musical stardom. no artist who cares would do that. but if you get the recognition you want because who doesn't, it comes at a price too.

this is why i critique commodity and capital so intensely. i participate, and i will have to as an artist. i don't have a desire to be poor because i've lived a life that gave me space to see what i want to do. i have class privilege (and a lot of debt) and i am grateful. but it isnt like i dont want peopl eto know. it's just that i know that i can't give in and accept and demand nothing and then decide to hoard it to myself. taht money that goes in funnels out and is not for me to keep. there is no trickling down. dont paly yrself.

artists like kurt and in a sense like MF Doom (rapper who only came out to be seen when he wanted to) or DMX even it's like....man u came out fucking fighting to be heard you know. do your thing. make your shit. be amazing. esp black people. DMX had a fucking face for a camera. hopefully i'm gonna watch belly at my best friend's house on the 28th.

i wish everyone who deserves to stay can stay until their body releases them in the most pleasant way as possible. jessica walter's death made me sad, but she was older and i'm so happy she got to live. same with cicely tyson. at the same time, the young deaths over drugs, suicide, accidents....id on't really get it. why is kissinger alive but these people can't stay? how did this come a somber tale of death instead of just i fucking love kurt cobain lmao

he's def one of those ppl that im like u rock. him, robeson, seberg to an extent. hm who else. wong kar wai, jenkins, joe (thai filmmaker whose name i cant spell.) all those people who are running forward on their own and beating their chest. yea i like that. an award is just another award. what matters is possibility and action.

RATHER BE DEAD THAN COOL

[kienansidhe]

one of my friends shared a post that was just. screenshots of vitriolic hatred towards trans men and transmasc ppl from women, claiming that transmasc ppl are the same as cis men, are oppressors, benefit from patriarchy, that cis privilege doesnt exist, that trans women are valid but trans men and nonbinary people who dont identify as women are not, etc. etc. etc. and it was so painful to read i was physically nauseous for over an hour.

ive been thinking tho, looking back at what i can remember of my childhood, and i think if id been allowed a girlhood, if i had enjoyed access to a cis girlhood with other cis girls, i would have been much more reluctant to let go of girlhood/womanhood. if i had ever been included in groups of girls, had experiences as a girl that werent just me, alone, an object with no other girls to comfort and be comforted by, i would have a community of girls i would want to keep. i wouldnt feel the need to look elsewhere.

id still have a complicated relationship with gender, but if i had a girlhood to hold onto i think i would like to keep it. the fact is, however, that while i have always been gendered as a girl by social hierarchy, by the role i was forced towards, by the society at large, i have never been welcomed by girls. its an unfortunate consequence of the cult i grew up in, my disorders, and the severe isolation i was raised in. the only girls i grew up around were extremely, well, christian. they shunned anyone who didnt put god first. they were christians before they were girls, really, and would tell you as much themselves. in the brief years i spent at public school i was bullied because i wasnt allowed to wear makeup and i played with bugs in the corner of the playground, too shy to interact with people after the first few attempts were met with being laughed at by girls a grade younger than me, utterly humiliated.

what i mean to say is, cis girlhood, cis womanhood--there are correct ways to perform it, and to deviate from those ways is to be punished. it absolutely sucks to be born a woman. its a miserable experience where youre all pitted against one another. but some manage to find a place in it. some find comfort in other girls, a community, a place to belong. and thats something. when you dont even have that? when even other girls treat you like a freak because of your race, your autism, your class? when even the small comforts of cis womanhood are denied from you because you cant perform it correctly no matter how hard you try? why hold onto womanhood, and how dare people punish you and call you an oppressor for embracing your individual, non woman, maybe masculine self?

is it oppression, to be able to punish the people who never had access to womanhood? the people in those screenshots, they talk as if trans men and non woman-aligned nonbinary people had the chance to be women and threw it away to become oppressors. they think of us as traitors who went over to the other side to turn around and stomp on them. they say we police their womanhood by defining ourselves apart from it, when those are the rules that kept us alienated and barred out in the first place.

they say all this as if we could even grasp cis male privilege if we wanted to and tried. they say this as if we universally pass. they say this as if by rejecting womanhood for ourselves we inherently seek cis manhood and hate women.

transmasculine and non female aligned nonbinary experiences are so, so very varied. some feel they were born men and have always conceptualized themselves as men, internalized gender propaganda as men. some of us grew up not particularly internalizing any of it. i personally think of myself sometimes as a failed woman, as a woman-reject. not bitterly, not to the fault of women really, since women are forced to compete constantly, but i do see myself as someone who could not access womanhood no matter how hard i tried. and i tried so, so hard. i didnt really hate being a woman. i didnt grow up with a lot of dysphoria, i only discovered im trans when i learned about gender euphoria--the dysphoria actually got worse AFTER i figured it out. i had nothing against womanhood, i just. never felt included in it. and it hurt. and in some ways it still does.

does that make me an oppressor?

[vegannaise]

boys deserve love

i started realizing around 16 that i wasn’t cis. i flipflopped back and forth between different nonbinary identities, occasionally wondering (in private) if i was just simply a boy. i was already out as gay, and people already regarded me as a “tomboy”, so that helped alleviate some of my teenage discomfort.

I didn’t date a lot in highschool, partially because i was incredibly intimated by girls, partially because boys didnt pay too much romantic attention to me, and probably a little bit because i had 0 interest in sex all throughout my teenage years.

when i was 17 i had my first “serious” relationship. it was with a boy that coerced me into hooking up with him while i was nearly black out drunk (wow,, what a catch right???!!! thats a whole different story). as sad as this is, i finally felt like my existence was valid. i felt like i had finally achieved this unspoken goal of having someone love me in a romantic way, having someone find me desirable. i was happy for the first time in years.

of course, i was still trans and in the closet during all of this. one night, i was completely swallowed by my dysphoria. i was either on the floor or in front of the mirror crying because of how my body looked. i even ended up giving myself a stick n poke to avoid self harming. Mason (boy in question) was texting me throughout this, i think i had told him i wasn’t feeling good, but i didn’t want to tell him why. he eventually pressured me into telling him what was wrong, and i told him “i dont like my body. i want my body to be a different body. i want to have a BOYS body”.

for just a second, i pictured myself years in the future with a flat chest and stubble and a deep voice, my arms around Mason, who still loved me even though he was “straight” and i had transitioned.

sadly, this fantasy was violently ripped away as soon as i came back to reality. Mason had responded with clear discomfort, saying he wasn’t gay. i told him i knew he wasn’t gay, but wouldn’t he still love me for me??? i would still be the same person, so wouldn’t he still love me????? to which he prompty responded, firmly and bluntly, that if i were to transition and call myself a boy, he would break up with me.

this experience made me go back into the closet for 2 years.

fast forward to when i was 19, i was in a relationship with a transguy. since i grew up in a tiny homophobic town i was never able to date another trans person, and most likely put this person (lets call them...... Pickle) on a big ol’ pedestal because of that. Pickle had been out as trans for almost 5 years, and had been on T almost just as long. they were the first person to tell me that nonbinary people can be trans. they were the first person to actually make me feel seen and valid as not only a trans person, but as a boy.

i ended up coming out to them, in tears, as a transguy. i still felt really confused, i was a boy but didnt really feel connecting to masculinity. i wanted nothing more than to be a pretty boy but recoiled at seeing myself as a Man™. even though that relationship was incredibly toxic, Pickle supported me unconditionally through getting on hormones, they even bought me a new binder. they were the support i had desperately needed.

we had been dating for 8 months when i left town for a few days. something seemed off when i would text them, it felt like something was wrong, but they werent telling me what. Pickle was staying with me at the time, so i saw them as soon as i came back. they said they had something to tell me.

they told me that while i was out of town, they had had a major identity crisis, and realized that she was actually a butch lesbian. of course, i gave her a giant hug, i told her i loved her and that i was so happy she had figured this out about herself. thats when she started talking about us.

she told me that since she was a lesbian and i was a boy, we had to break up; as if this shouldve been obvious to me...... it wasn’t. as she sat there telling me things like “i still love you” and “and i wish things could be different” we both cried. a lot. i still couldnt wrap my head around what was happening. here she was, telling me she wishes things were different so we can be together, why couldnt we just be together as is??? if you want to be with someone, why does it matter if they’re a boy or a girl??? especially when you’ve already been together for 8 months??? it felt like it had a lot more to do with other peoples perceptions of us, it wasn’t because i was a boy, it was because she didnt think she’d be seen as a lesbian dating a genderqueer boy.

the next day i confronted her about this. i was so confused, i had given myself a headache and multiple panic attacks trying to figure out what the fuck i was feeling. she told me that she felt like we should break up anyway, that her realizing shes a lesbian was just “the final nail in the coffin”. i found myself even more hurt and confused than before. id told Pickle all about Mason, how i went back in the closet because i was scared of him leaving me. i told her about all the shame i had accumulated over the course of my relationship with Mason. despite her knowing all this, she still decided to scapegoat our own identities, rather than just own up to the fact that our relationship was falling apart already.

this experience made me question my entire identity, the identity i had JUST started feeling valid in. this experience made me eventually stop taking hormones. this experience made me feel more invaild and undesirable than ever before.

during this time, i started to also ID myself as a (nonbinary) lesbian. i had felt my attraction to men dwindle, and i was grappling with my attraction to women. but more than anything else, i convinced myself that being a boy = being hated. looking “like a boy” = being ugly and undesirable. not only did this feed into terf rhetoric, but its a result of being told my whole life that my worth is directly tied to my level of attractiveness, and that no one would find me attractive if i looked the way i wanted to.

it felt so much easier to stay how i was. all i wanted was to be seen as queer, and since people already read me as a lesbian, i might as well just settle for that, right? at least people would get it. at least people would see me.

i’m 22 now, and ive really only just started to deconstruct these things and unlearn my internalized transphobia and self hatred. about 6 months ago i started calling myself a boy and using he/him pronouns again, and for once i actually feel safe. for once i actually have a good support network. for once i actually feel seen. for once i actually feel loved.

to anyone who actually bothered to read this all the way through: healing is not linear and our identities sure as shit arent. if you’re in the closet right now, or if you’re questioning your gender/sexuality for the first or fifth or tenth time: i see you. i love you. you are so valid in your fear and confusion. the world still actively hates LGBT people, and that internalized fear is so real and deserves to be acknowledged, but please believe me when i say that there ARE people out there who hold the deepest love, appreciation, and camaraderie for you, even if you dont know them yet. your existence as an LGBT person in this world is inherently radical, please don’t ever forget that.

[partyydadd]

let me tell you a story. it's a long one, but its important.

throughout my life, I was always a tomboy, I disliked dresses and always fit in more with the guys than I did with the girls. and I never thought much of it, because i was just a kid. I was bullied heavily in grades like 4 and 5, and it was very damaging. I went home crying every single day and I hated my life and who I was.

in grades 6 and 7, I had a lot of Male friends, I was into gaming and was introduced to some older dudes who were mutual friends that grew very close to me, stuck up for me and treated me like they cared about me. they'd tell me I'm mature for my age and they tried wanted me to do things that werent explicitly sexual to me then, but are now. one was 21, he would ask me to go in the rain with a white shirt and a dark bra and show him. he would tell me that I'm cute. the other one was 17, he wasn't as nice to me. he made me promise him that when I was 18 I'd come lay on a couch with him because he didnt like that I was sad. once i started to question if i even liked guys, they both stopped talking to me. one of them even continued to come telling me that I had changed and that's why he hated me. up until last year hed harass me every once and a while.

I started to distance myself from my femininity and my life because I hated it. I was disgusted. beyond belief. I was on the internet and decided that it fit to identify as genderfluid, since I never steadily felt masc but always hated myself enough to misplace it as dysphoria. I was out at school as gay already and then genderfluid too. I went by a different name and they/them pronouns and forced people to refer to me as such.

a year later, I was more depressed, in a heavily abusive relationship and didnt know who I was. I was unsafely binding my chest often, hardly eating and hurting myself. I didnt want to live. I thought I was trans since I hated the way my body looked unless I wasnt feminine at all. it hid who I was. I identified this way for about a year.

fast forward to grade 10 now, things were clearing up slightly, I was only binding often and the only actual dysphoria I felt was social. I realized that I hated my body but it wasnt because I was trans. I was starting to eat again, it had been a while since I hurt myself and things werent fantastic but they were something.

in grade 10 I started dating my boyfriend, and we have been together since. he has helped me love myself and realize that it's okay to be feminine. currently, I still go by they/them and ID as nonbinary. and I feel confident with that.

one of the reasons I hated myself so much was because I was trying to be something I wasnt. i misplaced my self hatred and gave myself actual dysphoria because i thought i was trans. it is so important that if you do not feel dysphoria at all that you DO NOT transition !!! its okay to be GNC but that doesnt mean you're transgender.

thank you for coming to my Ted talk. good night.

[scourgefrontiers]

Can I ask you how long it took you to id as pan/trans and having the guts to come out as that? Because I started identifying as trans just recently and I feel so safe and welcomed by this great community, also because I see you and other artists being so comfortable with sharing their stories. You really made me feel good as who I am. But Im still not sure if I should come out to people outside the community. So, how long did you need to tell others?

HMM well i id’d as pan for a hot minute (while i was dating that first person) but didnt tell anyone in my family for a while after i started dating ppl who werent guys.  i was in high school at the time and we lived in a VERY christian small southern town so i was afraid to be out to like..anybody lmao.  i needed a while to build up the courage

as for how long it took to come out as TRANS...it took even longer!  being trans felt so much more significant than me being gay so i was twice as scared.  i started id’ing that way in my..sophomore year i believe? and we didn’t move until my junior year, which is when i came out to mom b/c i felt like it was a new start so it was only fitting right?

now, everyone’s situation is different!  if you don’t feel ready or comfortable enough to come out, or if you feel that you’re not safe enough to, then DON’T.  you don’t have to come out to anyone if you don’t want to.  i don’t plan on coming out to certain people ever, so you don’t have to either

hope that helps!

[werebutch]

Hey so I’m some one else entirely, and I mean no offence, disrespect or anything to anyone. I don’t really believe genders should be a thing beyond body parts. There shouldn’t be clothes or colours or hair or make up or pay discrepancies or anything other than body parts to define genders, that’s all so entirely dumb, and if that were the world would trans without dysphoria be a thing? And if no one had genders that anyone could necessarily tell would sexualities be defined differently?

yeah so tumblr decided to delete my entire answer to this the first time so im just gonna make this less uh wordy i guess. also its not my job to educate cis people (i get that ur well meaning but still) on this stuff and i really reccomend you go to people that have already explained this in more detail. 

if youre saying like instead of body parts assigned to two binary genders its hair or clothes uh i hate to break it to you but thats already a thing and yes dysphoria exists in it. and i agree with you on the whole haircuts or colors or clothes or whatever shouldnt be gendered. obviously. but body parts shouldnt be gendered either and heres why:

dudes/nb people can have breasts and a vagina and girls/nb people can have a dick. its pretty simple and idk why some of yall dont get that. if people stopped seeing those body parts as inherently female or inherently male, dysphoria among trans people (if they have it) would kinda,,, stop. obviously maybe not for some people and not all the way blah blah but u get the point. most of the reason trans ppl have issues w their bodies is bc they, and other ppl around them, are trained to see one body as one binary gender and another as a different one. also i know its not just genitals, it extends to body hair and other features but im just talking abt the basics. also i feel like im just repeating myself here. u get the point right?

anyway the same thing goes with trans ppl w/o dysphoria. if we werent so focused on body parts nobody would have a problem with a trans boy not having a flat chest or, gasp, even liking his chest the way it is!!! holy shit! i dont understand why this is so hard to grasp lol

and yeah i mean i guess if literally everyone in the world identified with being nonbinary then sexualities would be defined different but thats literally never gonna happen lmao. go ahead and ask questions if u have more bc id rather u get answers from someone rather than going on and thinking the wrong things but im t ir e d lmao

[animmania]

HOMESTUCK EPILOGUE MEAT THOUGHTS **SPOILERS**

So i want to make some things clear before i get started. I have only read the meat option. I wanted

to also read candy so I could make this with all possible information. But meat left such a bad taste

in my mouth. And after a friend of mine told me somethings about candy i just couldnt bring my

self to read more of it.

So yes i did not like the epilogue. And this is mainly just going to be talking about some of the main

reasons why i didnt like it. And if you did like it or disagree with anything i say. Thats perfectly fine

In fact im honestly happy you could like it. I really really wanted to like it but i just. Couldnt.

So what about it gave me so much issues. The first one is the style and format and feel of it. You will

notice its very different looking from homestuck. Being all text and having 2 routes to choose from.

And alot of it feels very differnt then homestuck and to be fair. Thats the point. I had to have it

explianed to me but it seems to be mostly going for the style and taking common tropes in fan

fiction. The look of it is apprently based on a fan fiction site and the meat route is meant to be the

darker fan fiction while the candy is meant to be happier one where every ship comes true. (altho

from what ive heard it seems more depressing then the darker route so i dont get how that works but

oh well) but that is the point. So it would and should make sense that it dosnt feel like homestuck

right? Well. no. Because no matter what. This is still the offical epilogue to the story. You can make

it look unoffical as much you want. You can try to explain that its both in cannon but not in cannon

but at the end of the day it dosnt matter. Its still the epilogue. It was written in part by the actual

creator. Its on the offical site. In fact if you go on the site right now. Its the very first thing you see.

With right below it homestuck. If they really wanted to drive this fan fiction thing all the way

though. Then i think it both shouldnt have been on the offical site. And hussie shouldnt have

written it. They could have made its own lil site or heck maybe even put it up on the fanfiction site

they had been mimicking. But by putting it up on the offical site it defeats the idea that this is meant

to be fanfiction.

While im on the looks of the epilogue i also got to say i was really expecting it to do more with it.

I was expecting them to do some really intersesting things with it being in this new format. For

example something many people thought including my self was that once john went back into the

cannon the formating would change back into homestucks as it normally is. That would have been

really intersting and would have helped cement that that world being not in the cannon. But. no.

That never happens. It stays in the fan fiction form though out and thats just kinda it. It felt like a

waste. Even the meta narrtive i thought was really wasted. When dirk takes over its noting that

homestuck its self hasnt done in the past. If anything its less. Like remember when doc scratch

took over in homestuck. And the whole site it self changed. That was really cool and interesting.

But here....its just changes the black text to yellow. Thats it. And now the narration is coming from

him. I couldnt help but feel really let down by it. It just seemed like....such a waste.

Ok lets talk about the characters and story and my main issues with them. Now apprently alot of

people didnt like that it was getting much darker in areas but i didnt mind. Homestuck was never

one to shy away from dark or mature subjects and now that the characters are older them dealing

with more mature things makes sense. My issue with the story is actually that its trying to be a story

when its meant to be an epilogue. An epilogue. To me at least. Should be about just the characters.

Seeing how they are doing after the events of the main story and seeing maybe new struggles after

the credits. And while there is some of that here. Its not the focus and more of the focus is one this

new story starting. John having to go fight lord english. Dirk becoming evil. Jane wanting to

become president. I couldnt get into any of it and it never gave me a reason to. This is just an

epilogue.not homestuck 2. not a spin off of any sort. Its just meant to be a short thing on what

happened after the ending. The main story is already over. And its so fruasting becuase it had stuff

in it that i loved but they dont focus on it enough. Like theres a side thing where roxy mentions

that they and calli had been talking about gender idenity and how they had came to the conclsuion

that roxy is trans and uses he him/they them pronuons. That part. Made me so happy. I thought it

was amazing that they were doing this with their character and it was really interesting. But at the

same time i couldnt help but think how much if this had more of a focus on. Like they say calli and

roxy talked about this. And i cant help but think how much i would have loved to see that  

conversation

there was also this one throw away line about how rose and her wife had been talking about

adopting. And i cant even to begin to say how much id love to read a story of just them talking

about if they should have a kid. And john discovering he has depression i thought was really good

and i wish it had more focus and had him just talking more to people about it. This epilogue left me

with just wanting so much it didnt give. Now  i will give credit the roxy being trans thing didnt

just get dropped they did have it devople as time went on and it was cool but again i just wanted

more of it. The stuff with dirk and lord english just felt. Pointless. And gave me an impression that

maybe they were afraid people wouldnt be interested in the epilogue if there wasnt some kind of

stake at risk and i cant help but wonder what it would have been like if they werent in it.

My other main issue with the story is how they did  sorten characters. Some i liked for example

where johnn,roxy,dave,karkat,rose and a few others.they were good and i felt they for the most part

showed how they had grown over the years and that this would be how they would naturally be

older. But others i couldnt get behind. For examples i didnt really care how they did jade. She really

didnt add anything and most of what she was doing was hitting on dave and karkat. It felt kinda like

a waste to have her just for that. Granted they do have her get possed but by then you dont really get

any more real interaction out of her so your mostly left with how she first shows up and its just ..

weak i think i would describe it as weak. Then theres characters like jane and dirk . Jane  now being

just stright up a jerk letrally shamming jake  to hundereds of people and dirk letrally being  super

evil and doing really really fucked up things. Im not asking for characters to be perfect angels. But

this seems just to much. To go from homestuck where they had grown alot as characters and had

bettered them selfs as people. To just going to this. Its. Its very unsatisfying.

I think i would use that word to sum up meat alot. Its very . Unsatisfying.  They mention in the

choice just before you pick meat or candy. That meat would be much harder to get though. But it

would be over all better for you and more satisfying to eat. For me. That never happened. Though  

out it all i never get that satisying feeling. I never got that (oh ok this made it worth it) it never

 never happened for me and its so fruastrating because i wanted to have that feeling so badly. I

wanted to love this but so many things about it kept making it impossible for me.

And this brings me to the final thing i want to say. Maybe my perosnal biggest issue with this and

why i cant enjoy it.

But first i want to talk about homestucks ending.  To me. Homestuck ended perfectly. One could

agrue that it could have had more problems going on but to me it was what i wanted. The characters

after years of struggles. After death,pain,saddness and so many hardships. Pulled though. They

made it to the other side. They grew as people.   They bettered them selfs. And  got a happy ending

that they desvered and worked hard to get. And with the credits giving us insight to how it was

going over there. I couldnt help but be so happy at it. When i got to it i was very emtional and i just

felt it was so right . And a great   note to end homestuck on .  

But thats no longer the case. It isnt the end now. It isnt the last thing from homestuck

This is . This is the end of homestuck. This is the last note it will go out on . The epilogue. An

epilogue that. To me. Felt so unsatisfying. And put the characterss though more shit and left things

on a sad un happy note that might not get any real conlsuion. This is it. It turned an ending that

i loved. Into a  bitter sweet momment. And you could say im being over dramatic. And i would

agree. I think i am. I want to just shut up and just  enjoy this or ignore it. But i cant. My brain wont

shut up and let it go. That this last part of homestuck. Something i love so much. Had its final

momment be this. I just feel. So .  Dissapointed by all this.

Now i want to just say some quick things here. These are just my thoughts. If you liked the epilogue

or even loved it. Im so happy for you. Honestly i mean this with all my heart. Im glad people can

and have enjoyed it. And you could also make the argument that by not reading both routes that

could be why i didnt enjoy it and maybe reading both would do so. And hey. Maybe your right. But

i cant really bring my self to do. But at the very least  i got my thoughts out. And as i am wrighting

this i am already feeling so much better  and im glad i could get my thoughts out there.

[tumblunni]

OH FUCK I THINK I FINALLY CRACKED THE CODE OF WHY I ALWAYS LIKE THE VILLAINS BETTER

Like man it always makes me so confused cos i mean im a soft AF person and i always end up having sympathetic redemption headcanons for them so its not like i like VILLAINY ITSELF but what else do all these characters have in common?

Thats it. Thats it, ursula helped me crack it.

I just WANT THOSE TRAITS ON THE HEROES

I really want a nice confident sassy funny chubby trans auntie who promotes body positivity to our young hero and always gets to say the coolest lines and get the best moments and BE LOVED FOR WHO SHE IS

And like usually whenever you get anywhere close to seeing those "villain traits" on a hero they like.. Remove all the good parts. If you have a supportive hero aunt she's always boring and generically supportive instead, and has to look like the most stereotypical boring mess ans have a super small plot role and uuuugh thats IF SHES EVEN THERE i mean seriously aunties and grandmas are weirdly less represented as mentors than grandpas who are already REALLY HARD TO FIND and again OFTEN GENERIC AND UNFUN WHENEVER THEY GET TO APPEAR

And how damn often are we allowed to have a chubby gay aunt!! WHERE IS MY CHUBBY GAY AUNT!! ive met SO MANY chubby gay aunts in real life like 90% of all my psychologists have been either that or like.. The exact same but a straight lgbt ally instead. Sassy plus size aunties are THE BACKBONE OF OUR SOCIETY DAMMIT! I've had so much help thanks to sassy gay aunts!! And like even just looking at any damn crowd scene in a normal city centre youre gonna see so many chubby aunts and long nosed uncles and all those sorts of bullshit "ugly people" that mass media pretends are ugly and relegates to One Minor Role In The Entire Cast despite them being infinately more common than supermodels and NOT UGLY AT ALL GEEZ IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

I cant believe im a fuckin disney villain fan cos of body positivity

Tfw u suck so bad at making hateable people that the fandom universally hugs all your villains and ignores your boring protagonists like fuckin TAKE THAT DIDNEY

God i wanna hug hades sooo bad he just needs a friend aaaaaa

And i mean its not just disney, every damn time ive obsessed over a villain its been because they have some trait thats supposed to be "bad" but its actually good and we dont get to see it on the heroes

Like my thing with science villains in particular is that when i first played ff7 i really liked the idea of an evil minion who's a bad sidekick not just because he's "dumb" or "bumbling" but because he's actually not interested in any of the evil stuff and he works against his own boss and is like.. Friendly to the heroes, i have no particular grudge against you and i wont stop you if im off duty and all. I liked the Turks for the same reason but in the origibal ff7 translation they were kind of stoic and serious and i didnt really become as much of a fan of them til i saw them being more goofy and comic relief in some optional sidequests and then their movie adaptation. But hojo was always being all "lol my boss's plan is so stupid amirite" and had that very memorable scene where he's just sunbathing and tells you everything you need to know to get to the next thing to ruin his boss's plan cos i mean fuck it who even cares im just here to soak up some sun while fully dressed in a turtleneck and labcoat. It sucked so much that he was such a reprehensible bastard with creepy sexual assault vibes and murder and child abuse and experimenting on people and basically just NOT A LOVEABLE VILLAIN but his CONCEPT held so much potential to be filled by a sympathetic character instead...

So yeah then cos of him i kept being obsessed with finding SOME CHARACTER SOMEWHERE that actually lived up tp that potential, and thats why i was instantly interested in charon from pokemon and totally on edge waiting for the slightest chance for him to become That Perfect Sass Gramps Of Legend. And then he was indeed sassy!! And had so little screenyime that there was potential for interpretation of him as potentially redeemable cos i mean the game never said he wasnt, the game barely said anything about him at all, lol. And he was so old and small and frail looking and i just wanted to protect him!! And then that one wifi event that actually hinted at synpatheticness!! Aaaa its a recipe for a Forever Fave~

And i guess maybe it all started with my grandma being awesome and me really missing her? Cos i had shitty abusive parents and she was my ONLY good family member who showed me what love was like. And she was also basically a supervillain. Like every damn supervillain trait except being evil! She was bombastic and confident and sassy and mischievious and loud and passionate about stuff and always had something funny to say and never gave up no matter how many times she failed. And she also used all that great power for the forces of good!

So yeh thats why i love sassy good guys and i hate that often even when a sassy villain gets redeemed they seem to lose all their edge and become more generic now theyre a good guy. Or they get totally sidelined with no screentime anymore, or they ONLY get to be comic relief and dont get the full and complex redemption they deserve. Or just a lot of bads!! Its never the simplest answer of just fuckin.. Keep the character the character. Thats kinda why i didnt feel too much for the maleficent movie even though the concept itself sounded like everything i ever wanted. The character in that movie is a very different person to origibal maleficent, she's more just a stoic tsundere mumsy figure than a hammy badass iconicness. Still a nice villain redemption but it felt like it would have been better as an original story instead of an attempted maleficent. Also i wish they handled it better with the whole "true love's kiss could be from your mum instead" thing cos i get sooooo grossed out whenever i see people shipping movie maleficent and aurora! Like yes sleeping beauty with lesbians would be great but not when one of them is old enough to be her mum and raised her like a mum and changed her goddamn diapers! Also why did they have to ruin the three good fairies just to make maleficent have the mum opportunity? Like just remove them from the story if you wanted maleficent to raise the kid instead. No need to rewrite them into incompetant assholes when they were everyone's fave part of the original! Dont sacrifice the rare and elusive Good Sassy Gay Aunts!! THEYRE LIKE THE ONLY ONES IN DIDNEY!!! (Incodentally merlin is the equivelant of this to hades as the fairies are to ursula)

Also also villains tend to have ACTUAL FLAWS in stories that have a more boring bland protagonist. I wanna see the story behind charon's neuroses and how he struggles with overcoming his temptation to be bad because of greed but ultimately manages to conquer his own negative side because power of friendship and such. Thats a great character arc that provides so much more than he does as a villain where they just wasted him entirely :(

SO BASICALLY IN SUMMARY

* villains are often more complex and well developed characters with flaws while the same wroter might make shitty heroes due to the illogical fear that nobody would root for them if they werent 100% perfect and successful at everything ever

* villains are also often made as negative stereotypes of minorities and other rarely seen traits, which means its easy to reach out to them and reclaim them as a more positive version when theres literally no other options for you to cling to

* the quite common accidental sympathy factor where a villain will seem to be hated more than they deserve for their actions, ir unjustly punished so much that they feel like an underdog, since the writer assumes you'll think theyre "more evil" for being a stereotype and if you dont agree that this thing is bad then it seems like they have way less sins than the story claims they do

* also sass. Sass is good.

But basically the whole root of it is that its stupid and cruel and doesnt goddamn work when you make villains bigoted stereotypes. It just makes me love them! The only person i hate when i see a stereotypical villain is the writer who thought that was a good idea, lol. Just imagine that meme of the samurai holding the cat but its me holding all disney villains!

Also even if a villain isnt outright intentionally meant to be "this minority is bad", it can still make me symoathetic to them if theyre still something thats rare amoung the hero side in the same series. Like charon being the "most unredeemable" villain despite being the most harmless and funny and his plan being so much less world destroying than cyrus, and also he's the only grandpa villain in like.. The whole of all. And he's drawn very much in that way thays supposed to be "ugly" i.e normal grandpa, vs that weird sort of younger than he looks grandpa that hero ones tend to be because blablabla beauty ewuals goodness anti body positivity whatever. Tho actually sinnoh was good with that, they had the best grandpa professor in my opinion cos he got to be sassy too! Rowan always reminds me of auron from ff10. Sinnoh was a good game where i liked a lot of both the heroes and villains even if i still had more villain faves cos i mean pokemon is always biased towards that for me since every game has a voiceless perosnalityless main character and often theyre the one doing most of the heroing with the supporting hero characters having surprisingly little proper screen time. Thats a big part of why i loved hau gladion and lillie in sun and moon! They felt more like a real friend group than any other ones before.

ANYWAY now im just going offtopic into more "i love lots of stuff about every pokemon game" so ill stop typing now

But just basically VILLAINS ARE GOOD COS THEYRE GOOD CHARACTERS and if those stories gavethe same character a good guy role then id still love them just as much, if not more. I dont specifically like villainy, its just that my definition of a good character is often considered a bad character by lazy writers, apparantly?

Also WHERE IS MY SUPPORTIVE GOOD GRAMPS CHARON GAME AND GAY AUNTIE URSULA GIVES YOU FASHION TIPS SMARTPHONE MMO