#even if i get sick i’ll be forced to keep living and it will suck tremendously

[freedomfireflies]

pussy plug pt. 2 today?? 👀

Harry is angry with you.

Even without the explicit words, you can tell by the shift in his expression that you’ve displeased him. That he’s refraining from dragging you out of this restaurant and into the hallway so he can have a word.

You don't mean to, really. But what does he expect after edging you for hours and then plugging you full of his cum? Forcing you to sit through this prolonged evening with nothing more than some tantalizing memories and promises of release to hold you over?

“Bee,” comes the low warning, discreetly whispered into your ear as you both await the arrival of your parents. “Don’t you fucking dare—”

“Can’t help it,” you pant quietly, hand on his thigh as you squeeze for dear life. “You keep turning it up—”

“And I also keep telling you to hold it,” he hisses, scooting closer as if to hide you from the rest of the restaurant. “Are you gonna disobey me, baby girl? Are you gonna make me put you over my knee in front of everybody in this goddamn room?”

You squirm a bit harder in your seat, lashes fluttering quickly as you wrestle against your orgasm. “Har, please—”

“No.” His rejection is resolute, his voice thick with disappointment. “You are not to cum until I say so.” 

You suck in a sharp gasp as a wave of pleasure explodes between your thighs, the tip of the plug lightly grazing the bottom of your chair. “H, I can’t…I can’t hold it, I’m sorry—”

“You will,” he reminds you, fingers curling around the edge of your seat as if to warn you. “You fucking will, Bee, or I’ll spank you right here in front of your parents. Is that what you want? Want your dad to see you get punished by your daddy?”

You’d slap him if this were any other time, but right now, you devote your energy to keeping the orgasm at bay. Nearly sweating from the strain. “Harry—”

“No,” he repeats, a bit icier than before as his eyes flick toward something just behind you. “Promised you’d be my good girl. So I want you to be good and fucking take it. Yeah? Fucking take it.”

With that, he’s standing from his chair, a wide smile on his face as you wilt by the table.

“Maggie, Richard, so nice to see you,” he calls loudly, arm outstretching to welcome your parents closer, and that’s when it hits you.

Because suddenly, the vibrations from the plug are abruptly changing in rhythm, and it’s exactly what you’d needed to tip you over. You try to fight it, you really do, but it washes over you like a fucking wave until you’re choking on a gasp and shivering in your seat.

Nobody else seems to notice, with Harry quickly stepping in front of your body to block you from any prying eyes.

But you’re humiliated, nonetheless, and it’s all you can do to keep from whimpering right then and there.

After a bit of small talk, your parents sweep around the table to take their place on the other side. Exchanging their greetings with you as you finally begin to find your footing again.

“Oh, honey, are you getting sick?” your mother coos, hand on her cheek in worry. “You look a little warm.”

“I’m…no, I’m all right,” you manage to stammer, ignoring Harry’s smug smile from beside you. “It’s just hot in here. How was your drive?”

“Absolutely dreadful,” she sighs. “The traffic was a nightmare, we didn’t move for at least an hour, I mean…I don’t know how you two put up with it every day.”

And thus begins the lively reenactment of their journey, with your father nodding along dutifully while you and Harry attempt to listen.

And you’re happy for the distraction because at least it means you’re offered a moment of reprieve. Even though you know Harry is currently stewing from beside you. Unable to reprimand you the way he’s so apt to do.

However, your momentary escape from his wrath is brought to a sudden halt when your parents declare they’d like to wash up. Standing from the table and disappearing toward the bathroom, thus leaving the two of you to…chat.

“Well, well, well,” is the first thing he murmurs once you’re alone. “Obeyed me for all of…what? Twenty seconds?”

Swallowing thickly, you glance over. “It’s not my fault. You kept turning it up—”

“Because you kept cumming without my permission,” he retorts, nodding his chin toward your thighs. “And after I was kind enough to keep you nice and full.”

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you lean a bit closer and whisper, “I’m sorry, okay? I really tried. Really, really. But it just…it was too much. I won’t do it again, I swear—”

“Oh, you will,” he interrupts again, forcing you to blink at him. “No, yeah. If you wanna act like a brat and cum whenever you feel like it, then I’ll let you cum. Let you cum as many fucking times as you want.”

The switch in tactics nearly makes your head spin, and you look over his expression curiously. “Okay…?”

“In fact, I’d like you to cum at least two more times while we’re at this table,” he tells you, and instantly, your heart drops. “Think you can do that, baby girl?”

“Har…Harry, you aren’t…you can’t be serious—”

“I think you can,” he decides for you, ignoring your outrage. “And I think you will. Think you’ll cum as many times as I’d like. Won’t you?”

And you want to respond – want to scream at him for this sadistic little game – but your parents are sliding back up before you get the chance. Forcing you to do nothing but gawk at him.

Pleased, he leans back over, and hums, “Starting right fucking now.”

With that, he hits a button on his phone, and brings the vibrating pussy plug back to life. Instantly shoving you up that peak of pleasure as your poor, overstimulated cunt is toyed with yet again.

You cough to hide a gasp, and you’re lucky that your parents are otherwise distracted by their menus to notice.

But Harry notices.

He always notices.

As the evening progresses, you attempt to keep your thighs pressed tightly together. Attempt to avoid any extra stimulation or accidental grazing to the plug. But Harry is on a mission, and his insistence on making you orgasm is relentless.

“Bee,” he warns quietly as your parents begin to relay their order to the waiter, “none of that. I want you to keep your legs spread, yeah? So I can have a feel. Make sure you’re doing what I asked.”

You bite back a glare – while also biting at your lip – and bring your eyes to his. “Har…I can’t, really. Please…please—”

“Shh,” he whispers, scooting closer to press a seemingly harmless kiss to your cheek. “Yes you can. And I don’t want any complaining. You asked for this, didn’t you? By disobeying? You asked to be punished.”

“No,” you argue quietly, head shaking. “No, I promise. I tried. I really tried—”

“I know,” he finally concedes with a sympathetic coo, running his hand over your back soothingly. “I know, baby girl, but you didn’t try hard enough. I know you can do better, yeah? So I’m gonna make you do better. And this is how I do that.”

Whimpering softly, you plead with him through a frown, desperately needing his mercy more than ever.

However, he doesn’t seem to notice, his hand merely moving down to your lap as his fingers curl around your thigh firmly. “What did I say, hm? Want them open, Bee.”

You force your expression to remain stoic and unbothered as Harry’s hand continues to tug your leg closer to him. Creating the perfect space for access while he shoots a grin toward your parents from across the table. And keeping his little game a secret.

Leaning into his shoulder, you turn your face and try again. “Harry, please—”

However, his hand simply squeezes the top of your thigh from beneath your dress, and you choke on a whine as you pretend not to notice. “All you had to do was behave, baby girl. All you had to do was sit here, nice and full of my cum, until I could take care of it for you. So I could take that pretty little plug out and have a taste of us.”

Your lashes flutter, and it’s getting harder to pretend as though the two of you are engaging in nothing more than innocent conversation.

“But you just had to cum. Just had to disobey me. And now…” His thumb suddenly finds the tip of the plug and he grazes it softly before shooting you a smirk. “…I’m gonna make you sit here at this table. All goddamn night while cum as many times as I see fit.”

Reeling, you shoot him a piteous look for leniency, to which he merely grins.

“And you?” He presses his finger against the toy – hard. “You’re you’re gonna fucking take it.”

Previous Part:

~ Harry and Bee Use A Pussy Plug*

- Full Teach Me Masterlist

~ Other Harry Blurbs

~ Full Masterlist

Taglist: @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @keepdrivingkisses @swiftmendeshoran @tiredinwinter @straightontilmornin @justlemmeadoreyou @harrysdaydreams @tiaamberxx @peterparker1sgf @myfavfanficsever @littlenatilda @vamprry @fdl305 @tchalametishot @ssaama @indierockgirrl @likeapplejuicenpeach @vane28282 @lukesaprince @closureesny @onlystylesss28 @winterrays @jessitpwk @aslugforharry @allthelovehes @straightnogayhs @adoringhrry @lillefroe @avasversion @littlelunamoon @harrysgf01 @lexiecamposva @spinningoutwaiting4ya @hs-tpwkrry @vyctorya @b-reads-things @thiyaabs @buckybarnessimpp @whoreforjamesbuckybarnes @cherryluvhobi @mybabyh @xellybellyx @harrysxcarolina @reneemunson @juliatpwk @wolfmoonmusic @buckyssbestgirl @wandasbae616 @imavirginhoe @nuggetdean @chubby-cheek-calum @itsmytimetoodream @finelinesss

[redflagshipwriter]

Halfa Cass 11 pt 1

masterpost

They had a teensy bit of a war council about the new problem when Danny came back from work.

“On the bright side, they did send someone to take away Brick,” Danny said optimistically. He tried, anyway. He had a grim and depressing certainty that he was going to have to do something drastic and violent to solve this problem. That sucked. It sucked so hard. He looked at his knees. “But. Yeah. They probably will come after you to make me make some dumb ugly guns or whatever.”

“Okay,” Jazz said calmingly, “Every problem has solutions, Danny.” 

…He scrunched up his face. He didn’t outright argue but he didn’t really see a great solution off hand.

Jazz’s big brain was clearly churning through the angles. She went quiet for a while, and then broke the silence in a thoughtful tone. “We could theoretically just kill the mob. All of them.” She looked up at the water stained ceiling and mouthed something that might be calculations. How many mob members she thought there might be? A plan to do this?

Danny blinked at her from his perch on the kitchen counter, hunched under the cupboard in a way that made him feel secure. “I thought this was going to go the other way. Like, with you telling me not to overreact.” He watched his big sister with a sort of horrified fascination.

Jazz waved that away with a hand. “I am not starting over again. I’m halfway through with my Gen Eds.” The dark smudges under her eyes looked even deeper in the shitty artificial lighting of their apartment. “The problem with that is that I only make about 1200 a month, and at that rate, we will never get you your identification.” She scowled and dug her fingers onto the tabletop as if she was going to squeeze cooperation out of it by force. “We sort of need that income source to get you into university on time. It’s important for your social development to get you back around your age mates sooner rather than later.”

He raised a hand like he had a question in class. “I thought the problem with that was going to be that murder is bad,” Danny said hesitantly. He was used to Jazz being the voice of morality. Were they doing something different now?

“The worst thing that happens to them is that they have to live near Skulker,” Jazz said waspishly. “Anyway, it’s on them for trying to make you build weapons. They’re the rude ones. They don’t get to throw off my twenty year plan.”

…Danny pinched his lips together to avoid the petty correction that they wouldn’t be living near Skulker, per se. Fair enough. The whole life or death thing did feel a bit less serious when you hung out with lots of dead people and they were just, like, people. Murder was, like, a conversation from a meat existence to a goo existence. It wasn’t nice, but it also wasn’t nice to threaten people’s sisters. 

“Speaking of, I need to get to work so that I have my perfect attendance record for a good recommendation for the next job.” Jazz scrubbed at her face with the back of a hand and then dragged it down, squishing her cheek. “Do you want me to bring back breakfast?”

Yes.

“No,” Danny lied. He shimmied down off the counter and into his shoes. “I’ll walk you there. I’m sick of being inside. Maybe I’ll pick up groceries.”

Jazz snorted and rolled her eyes, but she grabbed her bag without making fun of him. He walked with her down cold, filthy sidewalks and waved goodbye on the street across from her building. Danny pretended not to worry. She did him the favor of not pointing out that he was definitely going to come back at 4:30 am to walk her home. 

Danny locked the door when he got back in, but he felt kinda dumb about it. 

If this mob or gang or whatever (was there a difference?) knew where he lived and wanted in, the door was not going to keep them out. Maybe he should just leave it unlocked so that they didn’t bust it open and break the lock, actually. A lock was what, 40 bucks? He didn’t want to have to replace that.

He went back and unlocked it on that basis. Then he screwed up his face to think.

…There wasn’t really a reason for them to come. He hadn’t made them mad yet. It would be different once they came back and he said he really wasn’t going to make them any weapons. 

Danny locked it anyway and then set a timer for 4 in the morning. It was early for him to turn in but he grabbed the pillow off of the shelf and put it back on the sofa anyways. Hopefully he’d get to sleep like, right away.

[bakudekublogblog]

Katsuki is so fucking sick of hospital rooms. He hates the heavy scent of antiseptic, the too-starchy pillows, the way the bed crackles every time he moves. He hates the white-popcorn walls that he’s forced to stare at through the haze of heavy medication. And he fucking despises the plastic tube shoved up his nose with the quiet, but constant, beeping of several machines keeping tabs on his vitals. Everything about it sucks. The only slightly redeeming quality about this particular hospital stay is that he and Izuku are sharing the same room. Apparently, after Katsuki’s tantrum the last time they both nearly died, the nurses figured it was best for everyone if Izuku was put directly in Katsuki’s line of vision. And so there he is, still knocked out in his hospital bed opposite Katsuki’s. Half his head wrapped in gauze, face swollen with purple bruises, he’s bandaged just about everywhere, but he’s alive. Katsuki is too riddled with pain meds to do much other than stare at him across the room. But at least Izuku is there, hooked up to a heart-monitor, softly proving that he’s still breathing. Which gives Katsuki’s battered heart some much needed relief. 

Izuku still hasn’t woken up, though. Stupid, sleepy bastard. Always fucking sleeping when Katsuki is awake. How the fuck has Katsuki had three surgeries, one of them open-heart surgery, and he’s managing to flit in and out of consciousness, but Izuku is still out like a light? Katsuki thought Izuku swore to surpass him. Why the fuck does he think he can fall behind now? Katsuki scowls at Izuku’s tuft of fluffy green hair. 

Wake up or I’ll kill you , Katsuki vows.

Katsuki knows he’s in love with him. He should have known a long time ago really, but having his heart burst put everything into stark clarity. He can’t deny it now. Not even if he wanted to. The next time Katsuki greets death, he will do so without regrets. There’s so much he needs to make up for; he still has so much atoning left to do. He has to show Izuku he will be better and do right by him. Izuku can’t fucking die before Katsuki has the chance to prove himself. Even if Izuku never loves him back, Katsuki must at least prove that he can be good. That he is worthy of standing at Izuku’s side. 

Days pass and Izuku still doesn’t wake. Katsuki’s pleadings only get more desperate. Usually it’s just in his head, but sometimes, when it’s late at night and no one else is around, Katsuki will murmur to him aloud. 

“You don’t have to forgive me,” Katsuki whispers into the oppressive quiet of their hospital room. Only the soft chime of Izuku’s heart-monitor answers him. “You don’t have to be mine. Just wake up. Don’t make me live in a world without you.” 

Shadows dance as headlights stream through the curtains shading their window, and for a moment Katsuki thinks maybe--- but no. The car passes and Izuku hasn’t stirred. God fucking dammit. Katsuki doesn’t know why he’s surprised: of course Izuku can’t actually hear him. Tears prick at the corners of Katsuki’s eyes anyway. 

It becomes a nightly ritual. Katsuki’s mind is too muddled with medication to make sense most of the time, but at least it gives him something to do. God, he can’t wait until he’s off all this shit and actually, you know, move and whatever. His arm was so bent and twisted when he was admitted that they had to implant metal poles to strengthen it, and fuck if it doesn’t feel weird. Recovery Girl comes by every day to heal him, bit by bit so as not to exhaust his limited energy, and there’s a quirk specialist flying out from the states to repair Katsuki’s damaged muscle. They have assured him that with time and physical therapy he should get all his mobility back, but it gives Katsuki little comfort. He would cut the whole damn limb off if it meant Izuku would just wake up . 

“Please, for me,” Katsuki whispers, one night after a particularly exhausting round of visits from his parents, Izuku’s mom, and All Might. “Just this one thing. Just wake up. I won’t ask for anything else, just be okay.” 

Katsuki must drift off. The concoction of sleep-aids and pain medications dragging him into unconsciousness against his will. He thinks he might be dreaming when he hears ragged breathing and a soft croaky voice. 

“Ka— K’ch’n… Kach—” 

Katsuki jolts awake, his heart-rate spiking and his head spinning. He can’t have— it couldn’t be—

 “ Kacchan… ” 

[READ MORE]

[zoros-fourth-sword]

LAW x FEM READER

Request Post:

@wonder-landscape- Well, I had an idea not long ago about pussy drunk Law or Sabo. They start eating you out, thrusting only to feel how wet you get, forcing your legs open once your are trembling in overstimulation.

{MDNI 18+ only}

This oneshot is a 18+ oneshot so read at your own risk

This oneshot contains the following: fingering, sweet name calling, overstimulation, dom energy, cussing, and more

SUB FEM READER x DOM LAW

MY WRITING SUCKS SO BEWARE

“Y/N-swan we have arrived at our destination” Sanji yells barging into the library with hearts in his eyes interrupting my studying

“Ah okay thank you Sanji I’ll be out in a sec let me clean up first” I say to the blonde cook before he went back outside to the deck

I quickly began gathering and cleaning up my belongings making sure it was spotless so I don’t piss off a certain cyborg and I also respect Sunny she don’t deserve that kind of treatment after all

I soon make my way outside to the deck only to see Sanji and nami

“Y/N” luffy screamed jumping into my arms and burying his head into my chest

“I missed you” Luffy said hugging me tighter

“I live with you luffy but I missed you too” i chuckled to the boy before hugging him back

“That don’t mean crap but anyway I decided that we should stay on the island for the rest of the week” luffy said releasing me from the hug

“That sounds like a good idea I need to stock up the fridge because someone keeps eating everything” Sanji said giving the biggest glare that he could muster on his face to luffy

“Yea my bad” luffy mumbled looking at the floor

“Screw the food I get to go shopping” nami said with hearts in her eyes

“By the way luffy where’s the rest of the crew” I ask my captain noticing that the rest of the crew was gone

“Oh yea they decided go on ahead without us and Law is in his study” luffy said pointing in the direction of Laws office

“Ah okay then I guess I’m going to stay put and wait on Law” I say to my captain feeling bad that Laws on the ship alone

“Fine by me I’m going to go help Sanji pick out the food” luffy said practically drooling out the mouth before taking off full speed into town leaving a trail of dust behind trying to catch up with Sanji

“That idiot always thinking with his stomach” nami mumbled out

“But anyway I’m going to head out Y/N I’ll make sure to bring you something back” nami said making her towards me before giving me a hug

“Okay be safe and I’ll see you later” i say back gladly accepting her hug

I lightly knock on Laws office door waiting for him to give me the queue that it was okay for me to enter

“Come in” Law said

I quickly enter the room to see law at his desk reading something from one of his medical books

“Ah Y/N what ya need” Law asked once he noticed me rolling his chair around with one leg in his lap

“Um uh- nothing I was just going to wait on you the rest of the crew decided to go ahead” i struggle to say putting my hands behind my back to fiddle with my fingers to calm my nerves

“how sweet of you” Law chuckled out as he looked me up and down

“Are you okay Y/N your face is red are you sick” Law asked concerned quickly getting up out his chair to walk towards me

“Um uh- yea I’m just hot” i say in a panic due to the fact that he was standing right in-front of me

“Are you sure your quite red Y/N” Law asked tracing his index finger over my cheek before tucking a piece of hair behind my ear

Y yes- I’m fine I’m just hot I swear” I stutter out causing my face to heat up even more

“Are you sure” Law asked putting his finger under my chin slightly lifting my head up to look at him and once I seen the expression oh his face all I wanted to do was punch him

The mother fucker had the most shit eating smirk plastered on his face he’s fucking toying with me and he knows it

“You know Y/N you don’t have to lie to me” Law said still looking down at me

“Huh bu- but I’m not lying” I stutter

“Mhm you know it really makes my dick hard to know that I make you this flushed and bothered” Law said softly tracing his finger over my cheek causing me to heat up even more

“Wha- what did you just say” I gasp out my eyes nearly popping out of my head

“You heard me I haven’t had the opportunity to get you alone we have been sailing for quite some time haven’t we” Law chuckled out

Did I die and go to heaven what the fuck this can’t be real I have to be dreaming

“Can I ask you a question Y/N” Law asked

I simply just nod my head yes not being able to form a sentence from my mouth

“Can I kiss you” law asked tracing his finger over my bottom lip

What the heck is happening right now I’ve thought about this moment in my head a million times but never did I once ever think it would become a reality

I simply nod once again still in shock from the situation

Before anything else could happen Laws lips were on mine in a instant and by the force of it I could tell this man has waited along time to do this i quickly warp my arms around his neck it slightly being struggle due to the height difference

“Fuck Y/N please let me make you feel good” Law asked pulling away from the kiss to rest his forehead against mine

“O- okay” I struggle to say slightly lightheaded from loss of air and the intoxicating taste of Laws lips

In one swift motion Law picked me up causing me to wrap my legs around his waist

Law made his way towards his desk pushing everything on the floor before placing me on it

He took a step back to get a good look at me my hair was a slight mess my cheeks were flushed and my lips were plump from the make out section we just had a second ago

“Shit Y/N your fucking beautiful” Law hummed out before taking his hat off along with his coat and placing it aside so it wasn’t in the way

Law soon made his way back towards me standing between my open thighs

“Are you sure about this” Law asked gently brushing my cheek

“I’m more then sure” I say looking up at Law

Before anyone could say another word Laws lips were back on mine I quickly wrap my arms back around his neck without hesitation

“You know how long I have been waiting for this” Law said pulling away from the kiss so he trace his kisses down my neck

“Fuck baby your so sexy” Law said as he began to grinding his hard on against my core

Causing me to let out small whimpers and moans from the friction

“I bet your fucking drenched” Law growled out adding more force to his grinds

The movement was Causing my skin to feel like it was on fire my body desperately needed to get out of these clothes

I quickly bring my hands down to the button of my jeans slightly struggling due to my nerves I guess Law got the idea so he replaced my hands with his swiftly unbuttoning my jeans before pulling them down my legs leaving me in only my crop top and underwear

“Just lay back and relax babydoll” Law said as he lowered himself to his knees so that his head was right in front of my clothed core

Law hooked his tattooed fingers into the waistband of my underwear before pulling them down my legs

“Fuck babydoll look how wet you are” Law hummed out tracing his fingers through my folds causing me to jerk backwards from the contact

“Fuck” i wine out leaning my head back while gripping the sides of the desk

“I know baby I know just lay back and I’ll make you feel good” Law said with a gentle tone before burying his face into my throbbing core

“Fuck Law” i moan out feeling his warm tongue against my core

“Mhm” hummed out causing vibrations to run up my body adding more pleasure

“Fuck Law that feels so good” i moan out grateful that it was just me and him on the ship right now

Law began flicking my sensitive bud back and forth with the tip of his tongue causing my legs to shake

“Fuck law” I squeal out from the pleasure he’s causing my body

Law took notice so he decided to slip one of his long tattooed fingers into my core causing me to roll my eyes in the back of my head nearly seeing stars

“Fuck law I can’t” i moun out grabbing a fist full of his hair trying to push him away

Law let out a growl before pulling me closer to his face by my thighs

“Fuck fuck fuck Law I can’t” I say trying to pull away

Law become irritated so he landed a harsh slap against my thigh causing me to moan out from pain and pleasure

“Fuck law you feel so good” i moan out as my whole body began shaking uncontrollably letting Law know I was close to my release

Laws mouth become more aggressive causing my whole body to tighten up making me see littoral stars

“FUCK” i moun out one last time before realeasing all over Laws face

I quickly look down at Law to see that his eyes were hooded and his dark hair was a mess he looked fucking gorgeous

“Fuck Y/N I could have you for breakfast lunch and dinner your fucking delicious” law said licking my juices off his lips

I had to rewrite this because tumblr deleted my last one I freaking cried bro so this one isn’t as good as the first one 😖😭

[slashers-and-rats]

micheal myers x gn!reader | nsfw |

kintober day 4: con-noncon

rat chat: not all of the days are gonna be this long, as you’ve noticed. but i’ll try to make full fics when i can. i think this one is really good, so i hope you guys like it.

you could hear footsteps echoing your own as you walked through the windy neighbourhood. the street lamps did little to light your path, only seeming to add to the unease that had settled deep into your stomach.

your heartbeat had picked up drastically, and despite the chill in the air, your hands were sweaty. you were surprised at how quickly the fear had set in. right as the moon centred in the sky, and you began your little stroll through down your usual path, anxiety had crept in. something was about to happen, you could feel it. the anticipation came from paranoia, you knew that. but you couldn’t shake it.

you glanced at the houses around you, eyes darting over the darkened windows. people were already in bed, unaware of your presence completely. no one would know you were there.

you slipped your hands down into your pockets, patting around for your phone as a way to distract yourself. oh right, you had left it at home, it had been dead when you decided you wanted to go out.

you sighed through your teeth, cursing yourself quietly as you scanned the area again. this time you dared to look behind you.

there, a good few metres behind you, was a man. the figure was obscured by shadows, but some details broke through thanks to the flickering lights around you. he wore a jumpsuit, almost akin to something a mechanic might wear. his face seemed to hold no features, almost scarily pale, and messy hair draped over bits of his forehead. his hands were stark at his side, and he walked with such purpose.

when you saw him, you hesitated, stopping for a moment to study him. when you saw him stop too, the air escaped from your lungs. you sucked in a deep breath, taking a few steps backwards, and watching as he stayed in rhythm with you.

you turned back around, starting to hurry now back to your home. you were never much of a runner, but the adrenaline coursing through you allowed you to at least go faster than you had expected. you knew the neighbourhood well, you knew your path well. with luck, maybe you could get to your house. maybe you were misunderstanding this all, maybe he was just some man fucking with you, maybe, maybe-

his presence hit you first. it felt as though two mismatched magnets had met- the force hit your back and seemed to repel you forward. for a minute, despite knowing he was right there, right behind you, he didn’t act. it’s like he was teasing you. he knew you couldn’t run, he knew you couldn’t get away, and so he played with you. you could hear his breathing behind you, you his footsteps faltered as he tried to keep himself close but not right against you.

you examined the area again, this time not daring to catch the eye of the being behind you. you were a block away from your house. maybe he didn’t know that, maybe you could lead him there and get inside before he even realized you had made it to home base? you could call someone then, and this sick game would be over. maybe you could run for it, maybe you could make it, maybe you would win?

you rounded a corner, and it allowed you to see your destination. at the end of the road, you could see the warm glow of your living room through your curtained windows. there it was. you picked up your pace yet again, fuelled by the flight response pumping adrenaline into your bloodstream. much to your surprise, he didn’t pick up his own steps, allowing you to create distance.

maybe he was finished? maybe he was done with messing with you? maybe he just wanted to scare you? whatever it was, for a moment there was relief. you nearly jogged up to the fence of your house, looping around to the backdoor. the front had been dead bolted before you left, the only way in was from there.

you rounded the first corner of your house, and that’s when you heard it. sprinting. the heavy boots of the man from before was hitting the pavement hard, and out of the corner of your eye you saw his quick, deliberate strides. your eyes widened, and you finally began to run. he was nearly a block away, he couldn’t get there. he couldn’t, he couldn’t. you kept telling yourself this as you turned into your backyard, running up to your backdoor. you dug around in your jacket pockets for your keys, whipping them out right as the sound of pavement turned to the sound of lawn. your hands, slippery with sweat, struggled to find the right key. you pressed the wrong one into the lock, making you curse hard. you fumbled to finally find your saving grace, and when you did you sighed heavily.

just as you pressed it into the doorknob, he got you.

his chest pressed hard into your back, trapping you up against the door. all of your air escaped you, barely anything left was there to make the small squeal that came out of you. you squirmed against his body, pushing back against him, but his arms boxed in around you. you were trapped.

you could hear your pulse in your ears. you went to scream, but a free hand already came up to cover your mouth. it muffled your cry, and you squeezed your arm down to try and get at the key in the doorknob. it felt as though he allowed you to, letting you turn it and fall into the doorway of your kitchen.

you stumbled up to your feet, turning around to see the man stepping up into the room with you. he loomed over you, walking in enough that he could lazily kick the door behind him closed. this wasn’t thought through. now it was you and him, alone in the house, with nowhere to escape to.

you darted to one of the drawers in the kitchen, searching for something to defend yourself, but all you did was allow him to press his body up against yours once again. this time he didn’t have to cover your mouth, he didn’t have to trap you. you did it all yourself.

you turned around, pushing your hands against his chest. he grabbed your wrists, pinning them down by your sides while he leaned down and rubbed his face into your neck. it was a mask. through the holes in it, you saw his real eyes, peering up at you with a sharp, somewhat cold gaze. deep inside them, somewhere, there was also a burning. lust? you could see it. it sent a fire into your own core. you wiggled against him still as his hips slotted against yours, rubbing his bulge up and down your own warmth.

this must’ve excited him. the way he panted behind the plastic of his mask, the way he ground against you, the way he shoved himself as hard against you as possible. something about it was restrained, controlled, but the need he felt seeped through. maybe it was the chase? the feeling of catching his prey and taking his prize? you were his prize.

he let go of your wrists, deeming them little threat as his hands moved to your pants. they were loose things, a pair you didn’t care about. he ripped them with ease, revealing your lower half with little effort. you felt embarrassed, hands once again finding purchase against his broad chest. he pushed his fingers against his own clothes, finding a zipper at the top of his neck, and ripping it down his body. out fell his naked torso, defined and scarred. your eyes trailed down each and every line, looking at all the details. they trailed lower and lower, over his stomach and down his happy trail, resting on the cock that had fallen out of the front of his jumpsuit.

part of you was surprised he didn’t wear underwear, and the other part of you didn’t really care what he wore, because that wasn’t really the point right now.

your eyes widened, and he caught this, catching you when you turned away and began trying to run for the door again. he grabbed you easily, pinning your front down against the counter below you. your face pressed to the cool surface, and you whimpered at the sensation.

you felt him rut against your butt at that, enjoying the sounds of surprise you made every time his cock slid between your cheeks. you tried to wiggle your hips away, but it only added to his pleasure, the movements pressing you more into him. he was thick, pulsing against your behind. one of his hands held your hips, the other pressing flat against your back to keep you down.

suddenly, he stopped, pulling his cock away from your flesh. you breathed deep, anticipation wracking your brain. what was he doing? where did he go? his hands were still on you, but…

you listened to him huff, the hand from your hips being removed. you knew what he was doing when you felt his head pressing against your hole. you gasped, once again beginning to writhe, but he held you down. the second he was aligned, he pushed into you all the way.

the sudden intrusion pushed a sob from your chest. your mouth hung open, your hands moving back to meet the hips that were flush against yours. the sting of pain from the stretch you were feeling set you on fire. much to your dismay, it felt good. the flames licked at your insides, warming your core and filling you with pleasure. the sob that had escaped lowered into a small moan.

he sat for a moment, feeling you twitch. the second you had managed to relax against the counter, he seemed to take it as an invitation, and pulled himself back out to the head, before slamming back in. he began a steady rhythm, not too fast, while getting as deep as possible every time he moved. he filled you out so well, his cock pushing up against your g-spot with every movement without him even trying. it’s as if he knew your body perfectly, playing it like an instrument with ease. it was embarrassing. you were coming undone just from a few strokes inside of you. maybe it wasn’t just that? maybe it was all of it? the chase, the adrenaline, the anticipation, the excitement.

he felt it too. you could tell. he was groaning behind you, breathing heavy. his free hand found your hip again, gripping hard into your soft flesh, while the one on your back moved to the back of your neck. he squeezed his grip there, making you gasp, and you could feel him twitch inside you as response. he was desperate, you could feel it. he wasn’t here to play anymore. he wanted what he wanted, and it was only a bonus that you also felt good.

he pressed himself all the way inside of you, holding himself there in your walls for a moment. you relaxed against the counter, enjoying the way he filled you out. you weren’t supposed to be, but you couldn’t help it. it was a bit heavenly.

you could hear him gathering his senses, shifting his foot placement. both hands left your body, moving to grip at the counter on both sides of you. he then began moving, this time with more purpose. this wasn’t for you anymore, this time all thoughts of your pleasure had gone out the window. this time, he pumped into you hard and fast, hips barely pulling out before snapping back into you. despite the aggression in his movements, despite the way he seemed to forget you were even there, you moaned.

he was massaging your sweet spot, and with these shorter movements, he never let up on the area inside of you. it was constant stimulation. you felt overwhelmed, trying to push away, and escape this intense feeling, but you couldn’t. it only caused you to rock against him, shoving him deeper into your walls. he seemed to like the way you struggled, because he growled low underneath his breath, hips stuttering slightly, slowing for a moment, before hitting even harder into your fragile body. it made you thump against the counter with every movement.

a hand reached up, finding the back of your shirt, and pulling you into his body. you straightened, his chest pressed against your back, your elbows coming to rest against the counter to support the new position. his cock was barely moving inside you, barely thrusting, and yet you both were flooded with pleasure. you could feel him twitching inside you, which was just a response to your walls squeezing hard around him.

your orgasm was sudden. the build rushed up on you, having you scrambling to find stability. you were too late though, and it hit you like a truck, leaving you slack and trembling against the counter in front of you. you spasmed around his cock, your sounds sinful and slutty, all being poured out into the air of your kitchen.

it was enough for him. all of the sensations of the night had lead up to this, and within a few more strokes, he was coming hard inside of you. you could feel his cum flooding your insides, spilling out around his cock. behind you, he shook, his own moans near broken and choked. you both sat for a moment in the after, coming down from such intense climaxes.

“micheal…? micheal, you good back there…?” you rasped out after a moment. you felt your boyfriend shift, his arms coming to wrap around your torso as he laid his entire body over your own. you giggled, wiggling your butt against him, making him groan at the stimulation. “c’mon, get off… this counter isn’t really comfy, y’know.”

he grumbled something, before pushing himself up, and pulling himself out of you. you felt his cum spilling down your thigh, and he gathered some up on his finger, lazily pushing it back up against your hole. it made you sigh, and you straightened and turned around to face him. his arms immediately wrapped around your middle yet again, his face nuzzling into the crook of your neck.

“that was good. really good, actually, I’m surprised.” you stroked through his hair. “we should get cleaned up, though, I’m spent… i need sleep,” you whined the last part, before chuckling. he nodded, though didn’t move away from you. “you can take a shower with me?” he looked up out of your neck at this offer, and nodded, before beginning to pull you towards the bathroom.

you’d have to do this again, you thought. but maybe next time, you could be the big bad slasher. you wondered if micheal would even let you wear the suit and mask. you hoped.

either way, for now, you were content just taking a shower. you had won this little game, and this was your prize.

[cryoculus]

— dream a little (dream of me) ⟢

you're a modern-day succubus just trying to get by, and your superior, mister zhongli is next on your hit-list. but every time you invade his dreams, he becomes someone else entirely…

★ FEATURING; zhongli x succubus!reader

★ WORD COUNT; 23.3k words

★ TAGS; modern au, office au, superior-subordinate relationship, angst, like SO MUCH angst, zhongli dreams abt his past life as rex lapis, smut

★ WARNINGS; graphic sexual content (minors dni), some depictions of violence (it was the archon war so), reader gets drunk at some point in the story and a co-worker exhibits unwanted interest, near-death experiences, mentions of pregnancy

★ NOTES; this was the longest thing i've ever written in one sitting TT wrote it for 3 days straight, and i'm honestly still proud of it even a year later! take note that this was loosely based off a manhwa i read in passing called sweet dream, so if the plot is a liiittle familiar to you, that's probably why!

★ HEADER ART CR; donaldakron on twt

★ SMUT TAGS; sex dreams, vaginal fingering, unprotected sex, clothed sex, i-thought-i-was-gonna-lose-you-forever sex, riding, the perfect balance of sweet and dirty talk, creampie

“Miss? Are you alright?”

You blink out the spots in your eyes when you hear Ganyu call out to you in a worried tone. She’s standing awkwardly by the side of your cubicle when you finally snap out of it, and you receive the documents in her hands with a rushed apology.

“Sorry, I’ve been feeling under the weather lately,” you reason, signing whatever she needs to have signed before handing it back. “This is nothing, though. Anything else you need?”

She hesitates for a moment, as if gauging whether or not she should pry, before speaking her mind. “Um, if you’re having trouble falling asleep, I could recommend a shop that sells qingxin petal tea. It’s based in Feiyun Slope, and I always order my stress relieving herbs from there.”

Despite the weight settling across your eyelids, you manage to flash Ganyu a gentle smile, tearing a blank Post-It off the pad on your desk before giving it to her. “Could you write down the name of the store? I’ll make sure to check it out before I head home for the night.”

Ganyu visibly perks up. “O-Of course!”

When she slides the piece of paper back onto your desk, the secretary exchanges farewells with a curt nod – saying she has to pass over the files for Mister Zhongli’s perusal before anything else. If Ganyu notices the way your staged grin falters, she doesn’t say anything. But once you’re alone, you can only slink back into your chair with a contemplative look on your face. 

You aren’t going to check out the store that Ganyu recommended like you initially promised. After all, your kind has never responded much to any sort of human medicine. Whatever’s bothering you is only going to be resolved if you stop being stubborn and fed on time – something you only care to do once a month at most. 

Even after living your life as a succubus for almost twenty-four years, the idea of having to draw out your life force from… that still made you sick to your stomach. It’s bad enough that your strange constitution wouldn’t let you settle down and have normal relationships, but having to constantly find a source of nutrition is a pain in and of itself. 

Your body has quite the standard for the men you’re supposed to suck some sexual energy out of, too. When you indiscriminately pick some rando you saw on the street, you might not effectively absorb the energy you harvested if you aren’t invested enough.

Case in point: unless you try to sleep with someone you remotely care about in their dreams, you’re going to keep craving for a proper fix.

Last month, you had to terrorize the poor barista who’s been serving you coffee at that new café across the street. You thought he wouldn’t think much of it, since you had the inkling the guy was hitting on you every time you ordered. But lo and behold, mister charming, suave barista is actually quite timid when it goes down to it. Your sessions usually took an hour at most to complete and you wouldn’t have to harvest energy again for at least another month. But that guy? You could barely ask him to strip without having to deal with him stumbling out of his dream-bed out of sheer embarrassment. Took you three hours in that dreamscape just to get the bare minimum out of him. And that just goes to show that the people you meet aren’t always what they seem to be – yourself included.

As entertaining as that session turned out though, you couldn’t really make substantial progress with mister barista, which eventually led to your premature hunger pangs. You started feeling a bit off-kilter last week, but you made the mistake of listing it off as nothing but a seasonal flu or something. Once your co-workers caught wind of how exhausted you are at work, you knew it was that time of the month again.

You can always just make up for the minimal energy gain of harvesting from a complete stranger by invading multiple strangers’ dreams, but you still have some shred of dignity. Well, you could just settle with the men in your department, but those slobs are the last ones you’d ever consider sleeping with. But then again, your team is working on a big, end-of-year project that you can’t afford to slack off on, so you need to find this month’s match before your body shuts down completely – even if that means seducing your awful desk neighbor in his sleep.

“Hard at work again, I see.”

You startle at the sound of a deep-seated voice coming from behind you, whisking your chair around to see your boss showing you a kind smile. It isn’t unusual for Zhongli to do some rounds in the office, but –

“Ganyu was looking for you, sir,” you blurt out, trying not to focus on how his neatly pressed tie compliments his eyes. “She had me sign some documents for the project you asked me to oversee, and it seems like she was on her way to your office.”

He hums. “I see. I just made a quick trip to the pantry, but I’ve yet to figure out how one operates the machine they installed in the break room. That’s why I just asked my assistant to purchase a drink from the coffee shop down the street… Are you alright? You’re looking quite pale.”

“Yeah, I’ve never been better,” you lie, trying to force out those memories of too-timid-for-his-own-good barista out of your head. “I’ll make sure to follow up on my assigned report at the end of the week, sir.” 

Once again, your senses jolt to life when you feel a large, comforting palm settle on your aching shoulders, giving you a few pats. The sincerity in Zhongli’s eyes doesn’t fade, and you’re seriously wondering how he has it to be so encouraging all the time.

“Everyone deserves to rest when their bodies require it,” he says. “Don’t hesitate to file for sick leave if you’re unable to perform at your fullest because of health reasons. I didn’t overhaul the employee benefits clause in your contracts for nothing.”

Your face heats up at the thought of your boss being this considerate of your well-being. You’ve been working at Wangsheng Corporation for almost two years now, but employees have never been treated the way Zhongli treats them. It’s a miracle that he got transferred here last month – with his gentle voice and mindfulness of others. When he walked through the doors of your department that day, the last thing you expected was a compassionate superior, given that all those assholes in the corporate ladder only cared about money and none else. He was easily a breath of fresh air in the smog of Liyue Harbor, and you’re not about to complain.

“I best be on my way,” he tells you with a hint of remorse. “I’ll be attending a board meeting in thirty minutes. Once it’s been adjourned, you can come to me if you need anything.”

Come to him if you need anything…  

For some reason, his words ring inside your head longer than they have to. But before you can even get your bearings straight, your mind is suddenly plagued with images of your boss in a more sensual setting. 

You picture a Zhongli who’s free from the stifling confines of his suit – regardless of how dashing he looks in it, you always wondered what he would look like dressed down. You imagine him lying on his bed, golden eyes half-lidded as he beckons you closer; how his hot breath would make your skin tingle as he whispers all the lewd things he wishes to do with you – 

“Of course, sir,” you tell him in real life, mustering up a smile that’s enough to hide your own embarrassment. “Thank you for taking the time to stop by.”

Zhongli raises a hand to wave at you before sauntering off to his office, leaving you alone with lecherous thoughts and a growling stomach. But the moment the door clicks shut behind him, you come to a guilty conclusion.

Guess I already found this month’s target. 

The hardest part, you think, is falling asleep before feeding.

You’re still at odds with everything you had to do just to survive, so of course you’ll feel a bit queasy when you lay on your bed in preparation. Whether it’s that one cute barista or your attractive boss, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re nervous beyond belief. Navigating a person’s dreamscape is just as tricky as it sounds, and if you aren’t careful, the slightest mishap can lead to unwanted casualties. Worst case scenario: you might get trapped in the dream until the person you’re feeding off of wakes up. 

But you can trust your worrisome nature to keep that from happening. The only instance you’d ever get trapped in someone else’s dream is if you lose touch with your own existence within it. That’s why you tend to limit the degree of pleasure you feel in the dreamscape during your feedings. Orgasms are one of the many things that make people, succubi included, lose their grip on reality, so you make sure not to experience such a thing, no matter how tempting it could be at times. And while there are no explicit rules stating that your kind isn’t allowed to indulge in the desires of the flesh – let’s face it, you’re basically a sex demon – you’ve always been too afraid to lose yourself in something that isn’t even real.

You heave a deep sigh as you pull the covers up to your chest. It feels a bit humid lately, so you opted to wear a loose nightgown – one flimsy enough to hopefully tempt Zhongli in his dreams. In spite of the impeccable decorum he exhibits at work, surely he’s still just a man under all those layers of courteousness, right? Humans tend to be more unhinged during your feeding sessions (sans mister timid barista). If the Zhongli that regularly checks up on you at work would exercise more self-restraint, maybe he won’t be as gentlemanly once you hijack his dreams.

The plan is set in stone. Fall asleep, make your way into Zhongli’s head, have sex with him, and make a run for it. You’ve outlined the same plan of action during your previous feedings, so this shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Still, a small part of you still feels the bite of guilt for intruding on your boss’ peaceful night like this. In what little time he’s spent at Wangsheng Corporation, you can already call him the best superior you’ve ever had, and choosing him as your sacrificial lamb makes it seem as if you have no sense of indebtedness to him. But at the end of the day, you’re just a baser creature with needs to tend to or else you can’t move forward as a fully functioning member of society. 

Surprisingly, you doze off much quicker than usual. This must be from the fatigue you accumulated over the past week. Well, that’s what you get for not feeding the moment you started to feel something was off. Either way, you’re en-route to your boss’ subconscious and you’re going to feel much better right after the trip.

The in-between that connects your dream to Zhongli’s looks just like everyone else’s – a dark, narrow corridor that opens up to a light at the end. You traverse the familiar path with bare feet, not so much in a rush despite how hungry you are. Whether it’s your hesitation to use your boss like this holding you back or something else entirely, you’re not very sure. But once you finally step into the light, you close your eyes and hold your breath.

When you come to, you find yourself inside a wide cavern – making your face scrunch up in confusion once your mind processes your surroundings. You expected to appear in a bedroom in his apartment, maybe. But as you glance around the barely illuminated cave, you realize that your timing is incredibly off since Zhongli must have been having a weird dream. It’s happened once before when the person you were supposed to feed on dreamt of living inside the latest superhero movie he saw. Maybe Zhongli watched a strange documentary before heading to bed. That totally sounds like something he’d do.

You decide to have a closer look, noticing that the only sources of light inside are the stone torches perched on the sides of the cavern. Your curiosity gets the better of you when you attempt to approach the flames. But that plan is immediately thwarted once you accidentally step on something solid underfoot. It breaks underneath your weight – the sound echoing deeper into the cave. 

You can’t feel any sort of breeze inside, which cements your assumption that the corridor leads to a dead end. Something tells you that you’ll cross paths with another soul if you press forward, but your instincts, however flimsy they might be inside a dream, insist that you go back. To just forget about trying to feed today and just try again tomorrow. Maybe Zhongli wouldn’t be dreaming about weird tunnels by then. None of this is real, but the dread that’s slowly festering in the pit of your stomach is too apparent to ignore.

But it’s as if your body isn’t your own at the moment. Instead of heeding your own sense of danger, your feet carry you further into the darkness – making your imaginary heart pound with both anticipation and fear in equal measure. 

Your hunch is proven right when you spot a lone figure at the end of the cavern – observing you from afar where he’s seated rather comfortably. He has one elbow perched on the armrest of his seat, the side of his face resting atop a closed fist. You’re unable to recognize who he is at first, but once you’ve crossed the threshold of the man’s vicinity, you feel a pang of surprise surge through your veins.

“Mister Zhongli...?” 

No matter how closely you looked, he's the spitting image of your boss. However, it dawns on you half a second later that he is not the kind-hearted man you've been working with for the past month. This one sits atop a throne of jagged rock, golden antlers sprouting beneath his hood as eyes of a deeper shade glower on with disdain. 

“I do not remember giving you permission to speak,” he says, voice reminding you of untamed tremors deep within the earth – resonating with every word. “You best know your place before I'm forced to remind you of it.”

Back in your bedroom, you awake with a start.

Your heart threatens to bust out of your own rib cage with how hard it pounds against it – as if it’s barely catching up to what you just witnessed and heard. You’ve never once pulled yourself out of a dream so quickly, but there’s just something about that version of Zhongli that sets off every code-red alarm inside your head. That isn’t someone you’re going to easily seduce with a see-through nightgown and a bat of your eyelashes. In fact, that man (was he even human?!) looked like he could kill you if he wanted. 

“What the fuck?” you mutter, throwing the covers off yourself as you watch your hands tremble in your lap. “Who the hell was that…?”

You don’t have the slightest clue why you’re so shaken up. You’ve seen weirder dreamscapes in the past, but for some reason, when you stepped inside Zhongli’s, everything looked so life-like. As if you were actually transported to a real location in this world. If you actively tried to recall the details, you could’ve sworn you felt the gravel on your feet and caught the archaic scent of stone in the air. But what could a strange-looking Zhongli be doing inside such a place? You knew better than to assume there was a rhyme and reason behind a person’s dreams, but –

The sound of your ringtone going off nearly scares the living daylights out of you before you cast a frantic stare at the nightstand. There, your phone vibrates in time with the obnoxious noise, and you force yourself to get a grip. It’s over. You managed to escape whatever harrowing fate you could have ended up with had you stayed in Zhongli’s dream for even a second longer. There’s no use mulling over it now, is there?

Without checking who was insane enough to call you at this hour, you speak. “H-Hello?” 

“Hello. I do have the right number, yes?”

It takes you a moment for your mind to register the voice at the end of the line – that smooth baritone that you’ll never get tired of hearing. Of course Zhongli’s going to ring you up out of nowhere after that. 

If it were any other day, you would have swooned at the notion of your superior calling you so late, but this seems a bit too coincidental for comfort. The recurring joke that Zhongli can be a little bit of an airhead has been going around your department for a few weeks now, but sometimes you forget that he can still be as sharp as a whip. Could he have sensed something amiss from the dream you gave him? How did he even get your number?

“Sir,” you greet him as evenly as you can. “Is there something wrong?”

Zhongli is silent for a moment, as if deliberating the words. “Hmm… Nothing in particular. My apologies for disturbing you beyond work hours, but I feel like I had something to tell you but regrettably forgot.”

You swallow the lump in your throat, shifting on top of your bed as you swing your legs over the edge. “Well, if it’s about the report you assigned, I won’t be able to give you the numbers until the end of the week, sir.”

“You’re mistaken. My inquiry isn’t about work,” he tells you, chuckling in a way that makes you blush for some reason. “It’s something a bit personal…yet I can’t seem to put my finger on it.”

“...Is it important enough that you couldn’t wait until tomorrow to discuss it?”

Alright, maybe you spoke a little out of line there. He’s your superior, yes, but your mind is still a bit frazzled from your earlier encounter in the dream. Zhongli certainly sounds like someone that just woke up, and while you like to entertain the idea that you’re the first person he thought about the moment his eyes opened, it’s not enough to dispel your unease. 

“Forgive me. Calling you at this hour does seem out of turn –” It is out of turn. “– but I had quite the odd dream. I can’t remember what exactly took place anymore, but I do remember you being in it.”

Calm down. He doesn’t remember the details – not that he had a lot to remember anyways. You could have sworn you only lasted two minutes in his head before scampering back to your own body because that’s how terrified you were. What’s even there to recall about it?

“I see,” you play along. “Maybe you were dreaming about work like usual. You do seem a bit more dedicated to your job than most.”

Zhongli breathes out another laugh that makes your insides tingle. Why does he sound infinitely sexier fresh out of slumber? “You really think that?” 

“Wouldn’t dream of anyone who does your job better than you do, sir.”

You wonder, at the last minute, if you said the right thing. But Zhongli lets out a satisfied hum from the other line, coupled with the sound of fabric rustling in the background. You try not to picture what he must look like right now – disheveled hair, unkempt sheets, drowsy eyes – but the image makes its way to your head regardless. The Zhongli you’re speaking to is already so different from the man you met in his dreams, and you can’t even see him right now. 

“I suppose I’ve taken up enough of your precious time,” he murmurs, sounding more and more apologetic by the minute. “Thank you for answering my call, regardless of what little value our conversation tonight harbored. I’ll see you tomorrow at the office, hopefully when I’m in a better state of mind.”

Better state of mind, he says. So Zhongli was affected by that dream, too…

But that’s something you can definitely think about later.

“Anytime, sir,” you reply. “Good night.”

“You’re looking worse and worse each day, you know that?”

This time, the person who bothers you at your cubicle is none other than your superior, Director Hu Tao. Though, even if she holds the highest position in the Wangsheng chain-of-command, she’s a bit too free-spirited to call a proper boss. 

She watches you slave away behind your laptop with folded arms, not looking the least bit amused. Though she wasn’t really meant to know, the director is one of the few people – more like, the only person – who’s aware of what you are and what you do to survive. It’s probably because Hu Tao comes from a family with deeper connections to all things supernatural, and thankfully, she’s more understanding of your predicament than you’d otherwise expect. 

In fact, she was kind enough to let you keep your job so long as you don’t let your…special needs affect your work. But for all of Hu Tao’s usual antics in the office, you know there’s no escaping her when she gets serious about something.

Especially when she’s nagging you about feeding intervals.

“When’s the last time, hm?” she asks, poking your cheek. “Aiya, you’ve lost the flab on your face. Come on, how am I supposed to pinch them now?” 

“About a month ago,” you grumble as you revise an important email for the fifth time today. “Director, shouldn’t you be in your office? I heard from Ganyu that you’ve been passing your work onto Mister Zhongli.”

“Pah, the consultant can deal with all the trifling matters in my stead.” Hu Tao shrugs. “Besides, he’s the one who started advocating for better employee conditions in this dump, right? I’m just making sure my subordinates are healthy and happy in the workplace~”

Speaking of Zhongli, it’s been a while since you saw him around. The last time you heard his voice was the night he called you out of nowhere – the same night you hijacked his dreams. Now, it’s already the end of the week and you’re yet to meet with Zhongli despite the deadline he gave you days prior. 

“I can hook you up with a bunch of guys I know,” Hu Tao suggests, unceremoniously swinging herself on top of your desk. “All you have to do is get inside their heads and do the magic, right? Hmm… If that’s the case, why don’t you just pick a random celebrity or something?”

“It doesn’t work that way, director,” you sigh. “If it were that easy, I wouldn’t be having this problem every month.” 

“Ehh, you’re so choosy.” She pouts. “If sharing a dream with strangers doesn’t work, why don’t you just come after them in real life? Nothing beats the real thing, right?”

You’re mildly aware of how loudly Hu Tao started to mouth off about your…predicament, but fortunately it was the middle of lunch break, and none of your desk neighbors were present to overhear. Pushing your chair from beneath the desk, you breathe in deep as you consider the director’s words. 

In hindsight, she was right. You know a bunch of succubi and incubi who copulate with humans nearly everyday – more because they’re weird sex addicts than them trying to last themselves to the next day. But you were drawing blanks as to how you’re going to explain to Hu Tao that the creatures she might have heard about have sex to enjoy it; you have sex to survive. The act itself still makes you squirm, so even if you have attempted to harvest energy in real life, you’d rather steer clear of resorting to that if you could still do the same thing in an unsuspecting man’s dreams.

But now, you aren’t even able to squeeze the tiniest ounce of sexual energy from your usual method. Hence, the problem.

“I’ll think about it,” you half-promise, stretching your limbs with a quiet sigh. “Oh, and if you see Mister Zhongli anywhere, could you tell him I’m done with my report? I was going to ask when he’d like to see it, but I haven’t seen him around lately.”

“Hm? Oh, right. I asked that guy to secure a deal with a Snezhnayan diplomat who’s visiting Liyue over the season,” Hu Tao tells you before hopping back to the floor. “Well, hope you get some sustenance soon, little devil. Wouldn’t want to find you all shrivelled up from sex deprivation one day.”

“Director, please…”

“Hahaha! Just teasing~”

Hu Tao hums a lively tune once she scampers away, and you’re left staring at the blinking cursor on your screen. The email you were drafting is supposed to be sent to the PR officer of the company you’re trying to scout with your report-slash-proposal attached as an extra file. But you can’t send it in without Zhongli’s green light. What’s worse is that it’s starting to get busy in the office at this time. The end of the year is the most hectic, and you’re not sure if you’re ever going to get used to the hustle and bustle that comes with it. It would make sense why Zhongli is suddenly hard to catch.

And your feeding shortage just had to coincide with all of this.

You pull out a hand mirror from your bag, inspecting the way your face looks. Eyebags and chapped lips can easily be concealed with makeup but it’s more difficult to mask the way you’re abnormally losing weight. Even Hu Tao was able to notice it right away. If only eating human food actually contributed to your body mass…

“Tonight for sure,” you mutter – knowing damn well that your words are only worth half a promise.

In all honesty, you don’t put much thought into the exact time of your feedings. You just lay in bed, get into the minds of your targets, and hope both of you fell asleep at the same time. It’s no different on your second attempt at harvesting energy from Zhongli.

You don’t call him, don’t text him. You don’t even bother trying to get some inside information about his sleeping habits from Ganyu. So when you attempt to just wing it one more time, you’re a little surprised to find yourself transported into the dreamscape – a wave of relief washing over you when you realize you’re not inside a cave anymore. 

You’re seated at the side of a river surrounded by ruins as far as the eye can see. The sound of flowing water fills your ears, a sound you almost find calming. Someone calls a name that doesn't belong to you, but your body responds to it either way when you turn your head around curiously. 

Zhongli stands in front of you, carrying a basket of sunsettias. He doesn’t look as intimidating as the first time you saw him in his dreams, but he’s donned with the same hooded robe, and the same gold-tipped antlers. The cruelty imbued in his gaze in that cavern has long gone – replaced with quiet sincerity that’s reminiscent of the one he exudes in the office. You feel your shoulders relax at the sight of him, but… 

Something doesn’t feel right.

He folds his legs at your side, and when he speaks, you hear nothing but a garbled, faraway noise. But despite not understanding a single word he says, you let out the occasional laugh, sometimes nodding along to Zhongli’s words before biting into one of the fruits he foraged. The wind whistles through the reeds in the overrun marsh, and all you can do is admire your companion’s autumn vesper eyes as you partake in a conversation only he understands. 

But when you suddenly inch closer to him – caressing his face with a hand that isn’t your own – that’s when you finally realize what was amiss.

“Rex,” the woman whose body you hijacked murmurs fondly, the sleeves of her dress billowing in the breeze. “You should give yourself more credit. The faith of the people has always been well-founded.”

Zhongli gazes at you (at her) with wide eyes before the look melts into a fit of chuckles. His lips move in response to what the woman said and, still, you don’t catch any of it. But when your eyes drift to where his strong arms peeked from the holes of his robe, you’re surprised to see his hands shining like molten amber in the waning light. Golden veins can be seen jutting across his forearms, eventually connecting to the odd patterns depicted on his bicep. The longer you stare, the more you question why your boss made himself look so godly in his dreams. As humble as he is, he does look highly of himself after all.

Turns out, you’re not the only one who was ogling Zhongli in the most inopportune moment. It seems like the woman you’re possessing(?) also treated herself to some eye candy the same time you did, and now you can feel your face heat up with embarrassment when he catches you staring. 

You expect him to laugh it off like usual. Your boss gets thrown compliments everyday since he started working at Wangsheng – compliments that never seem to do him enough justice. But he takes them all in stride before resuming the conversation like nothing happened. This Zhongli does none of that.

One of his strange, golden hands seizes your wrist tightly – your bashfulness suddenly morphing into confusion. Zhongli’s mouth twitches into something akin to a smile as he presses forward, forcing you to lean back to introduce as much space between you as possible. You can feel his breath fan against your face – cor lapis eyes glowing with desire – and you’re too stunned to retaliate. His other hand forces itself against the ground next to your hip, caging you in the heat of his embrace. Zhongli speaks again, and you’re starting to feel annoyed with the fact that you can’t make sense of what he’s even saying. But you can’t exactly relish in the feeling much because your body is reaching a fever pitch that’s making your head spin.

This is what you came here to do, isn’t it? Sure, you’re not really the person he’s seeing right now, but anything to get the deed done, right? All you had to do was suck out the sexual energy emanating from the god of a man that’s about to ravish you out in the open. Easy as pie.

His mouth latches onto yours in a way that’s almost familiar – which tells you that this isn’t the first time that Zhongli and this woman met each other so intimately. You respond in kind, letting your borrowed body take the reins as you feel him nudging apart the lapels of your dress, exposing supple breasts to the humid air. A full shudder runs across your skin when he growls against your lips, one arm curling around your waist before Zhongli possessively pulls you to his chest. 

Mine. 

You don’t hear his voice, but you feel the intent resonate all the way to your core as he practically tears off your clothes. Zhongli rests you atop the grass with little care for possible on-lookers, rolling his hips against yours as he decorates your neck with lovebites. Your fingers rake through his long, dark tresses – imprinting the image in your head for years to come. Your boss Zhongli always ties his hair with a jewel-encrusted band, so this version is definitely one for the books. 

I should’ve done this sooner, you think to yourself – whimpering when you feel the ridge of his cock straining against your middle. Much sooner… 

The rest of the details are lost in the muddled haze of your thoughts. You don’t remember if Zhongli even prepared you for what’s to come – all you know is the feel of his length prodding your slickened entrance. His grip on your body never falters even as the tip of his cock glides teasingly across your slit. You desperately move your hips closer, begging for the friction he’s holding over your head like a prize. But then, you meet his deep, amber gaze and for a moment, his eyes seem to soften in the midst of his lustful display.

When he kisses you again, your heart – this woman’s heart – comes alive. You can feel how much love she harbors, how she aches for him despite the fact that Zhongli’s hands roam around her body with the intent to leave no inch of skin untouched. 

I love you. That’s the only thought that echoes in your mind when he finally takes you – here, by the riverbank where you were the only two people in the world. These emotions aren’t your own, but you feel a surge so intense that you gasp aloud when Zhongli presses himself into you deep enough to make your vision blur. It all feels so real that you don’t even notice it when you naturally absorb the energy you’re meant to take in the first place. 

You’re not sure how it’s supposed to work in this situation, given that the body you’re using isn’t even yours. But you practically feel how Zhongli’s libido indirectly rejuvenates your spirits. Despite the fact that you’re being pounded in the middle of nowhere, you feel more refreshed – mind clearer as opposed to the jumbled mess it’s been over the past week. You never actually realize how your hunger can drive you into so much lethargy until you’re finally given the clarity of your sated instincts. 

“I don’t care for the humans like you do.”

You startle when you finally hear Zhongli’s familiar voice – hoarse with need, but still the same one you’ve come to admire. His forehead rests against yours as he thrusts his hips relentlessly, with a desperation you can almost see on his face. The woman lets out a sigh before she caresses his face with a gentle hand, thumb gently sweeping across the cut of his cheekbone. 

“You will,” she murmurs. “You’re their god, Rex. Their archon. You might not have any love for them now, but in time, you’ll understand.”

Her reply seems to irritate him. You watch as those golden eyes flash yellow with rage, but Zhongli is quick to manage the split-second shift in his emotions. Instead of lashing out, he buries his face into your neck, murmuring so softly, you almost didn’t catch the words.

“You’re the only one I’ll truly care for,” he says, fingers raking through your hair as he stills – filling you with the white hot rush of his release.

“I hope you know that will never change, Guizhong.”

There are two things that you end up mulling over when you finally get back to your own body. The first is the fact that Zhongli has way too hyperactive an imagination. About ninety-five percent of your feedings take place in your targets’ bedrooms, so having sex in the middle of a field is quite the new experience for you. The second is how your boss might actually have a girlfriend and you just…gleaned your monthly sustenance from him. Just like that. 

Your latter realization took you the fuck out. The moment you woke up, you marched into your kitchen, popped open whatever cans of beer you had inside the refrigerator, and decided to contemplate your actions for a long time. You typically don’t think about whether or not the person you’re feeding on has a significant other because…you’re not exactly committing adultery if it only takes place in their dreams, right? It isn’t supposed to be a big deal unless they try to make a move on you in real life. But thinking about how you unknowingly trespassed on an ultra hidden fantasy that Zhongli must’ve been having about his girlfriend introduces a spectrum of emotions that you’re too tired to sort out. Embarrassment, regret, shame. Those are just some of the things you’re feeling right now, and hopefully a six-pack is going to be enough to drown your not-so sorrows.

…On the bright side, at least you don’t feel like shit anymore. As you finish your third can of beer tonight, you make the effort to take a look at yourself in the mirror. The color in your cheeks has returned, as well as the so-called flab that Hu Tao misses so much. Those dark circles beneath your eyes have gone too, and admittedly, you haven’t seen your skin glow so much since your last successful feeding two months prior. 

But even if this is a cause for celebration – because finally, you won’t have to deal with those nasty hunger pangs again for at least another month – you can’t find it in you to be pleased with your results. 

You’re still a bit…conflicted with what you saw in Zhongli’s dream. You assumed it was just some weird fictional fantasy of his, but you’ve been inside the dreams of other men often enough to know that your boss’ dreamscape is a lot different from the rest. You’re yet to put a finger on the rhyme and reason behind your logic, but the experience filled you with the kind of curiosity that’ll get you in trouble one of these days.

“No more prying into your boss’ private life,” you say, pointing at your reflection in the mirror with a frown. “You are not a homewrecker. Got that?”

Now that you’ve recovered from being “under the weather”, all that’s left is to get your work quota over with before the year ends. You’re practically brimming with ideas now that you’re finally in the right headspace to brainstorm about the project that Zhongli entrusted you with. As you pop open your fourth beer alongside your laptop, you’re quite horrified to see the mess of a proposal that you worked on during the onslaught of your physiological suffering. Dear gods, you’re never going to deprive yourself like that again. It’s a good thing you waited for Zhongli’s approval first or else, you might’ve made a fool out of yourself to your clients.

When you finally finish proofreading and making all the appropriate edits, you hop into the shower for a nice, hot bath. And when you crawl underneath the covers, the smooth glide of your sheets feels like heaven against your skin. But regardless of how comfortable you are in your own bed; how relaxed you feel for the first time in weeks, you can’t bring yourself to fall asleep as easily as you’d like. 

Every time you close your eyes, all you can see is a man with molten gold irises and branches sprouting from his rich brown hair. You can even remember the smidge of red decorating the fine line of his lashes if you recalled the dream vividly enough. But the moment you start thinking about how he spread you apart and had his way with you –

I’m fucked, you realize as you wrench your eyes open – staring at the ceiling as if it’ll show you even an ounce of sympathy. I am so fucked.

Little did you know that ‘fucked’ is the understatement of the century.

“Ganyu, can I ask you something?”

The next day, you coincidentally find yourself sharing a table with Zhongli’s secretary during your lunch break. Ganyu looks up from the salad she’s been happily feasting on and flashes you a questioning look. “Of course. How can I help, miss?”

You pause for a while – deliberating whether it’s even worth looking into at the last minute – but you’ve already bothered Ganyu so… 

“Do you know a woman named Guizhong?”

You’re purposely avoiding her gaze when you bring up the question, casually sticking your fork into the food you ordered at the office cafeteria. But when you notice how Ganyu fell silent for too long, you flick your gaze back to her in the most casual way you can manage. To your surprise, she’s staring at you like you just insulted your family.

“H-How did you hear of that name?”

Brows raised, you offer a nonchalant shrug. “Hmm… I was looking through some old company records and found that name listed in the contacts. I just thought you might know who she is.”

You’re not even sure Ganyu is even going to take the bait for that white lie. There is absolutely no one who knows Wangsheng’s documents better than she does. This woman used to work under the Liyue Qixing, so it’s only natural for her to be meticulous in every aspect of her duties. But instead of laying suspicion on you like you expected her to do, Ganyu seemingly heaves a relieved sigh. 

“Well, yes. Miss Guizhong was one of the company’s contacts, but…” She bites her lip, fingers drumming nervously on her thigh. “Please refrain from mentioning that name to Mister Zhongli. As for the reason, it’s…quite complicated. I hope you understand why I can’t disclose any further, miss.”

…So Guizhong is a real person. A real person that Zhongli cares about deeply. But from the way Ganyu responded to your question, things might’ve gone awry between them at some point. 

Why do you feel…relieved all of a sudden? 

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” you promise – this time, you mean it. “I was just a bit curious.”

The secretary nods. “Mister Zhongli should be coming back today as scheduled. I’ve already gone over your proposal like you asked, and I don’t see any flaws in your plans, miss. I’m certain he’ll approve of it.”

Way to shift the topic of conversation. You might’ve applauded her for how smoothly she made that transition, but Ganyu just indirectly reminded you to keep your head in place. There’s still work to do, and you shouldn’t spend what little time you have fretting about your boss’ not-girlfriend. 

“Copy that,” you tell her, finishing the rest of your food with a newfound resolve.

When Zhongli finally arrives back at the office, you make sure to act like you usually do – timid yet just a touch daring when needed. You presented your proposal to Zhongli and the board of directors, since your boss insisted that they’re entitled to study its contents last minute. The idea of having an on-the-spot address makes you queasier than the moments leading up to your monthly feeding. But the entire time, the expectant stares of your other superiors didn’t faze you as much. All you can really focus on, aside from the important points you’ve outlined, are the vibrant gold of Zhongli’s eyes – peering from the nearest seat in the front in silent observation.

He looks so composed, like a slab of unmovable stone. You find it quite difficult to believe that your boss and the man who shows up in his dreams – the one with unruly hair and golden ichor horns – are the same person.

Once you’re finished speaking, the board begins to ask questions one by one – clarifying some things they wanted you to expound on. Thankfully, you’ve gone over your report multiple times before coming into the office this morning. Whatever inquiry they could throw at you, you justified with answers based on the sufficient data you’ve gathered over the past two weeks. You have to admit that being on the receiving end of their impressed stares is doing things to your ego, but what’s important is that your proposal has been pretty much approved. Nothing beats a sense of accomplishment, after all.

Zhongli is kind enough to escort you back to your cubicle, but you insist on dropping by the pantry first for a much-needed coffee break. You tell him that it’s alright if he doesn’t stick around if he has other matters to attend to, but it seems that your boss is going to take his time giving you his brunt of the praise.

“You did well. Far exceeded my expectations, even.” He smiles so radiantly that you can almost feel your chest twist with an unfamiliar feeling. “My apologies for suddenly disappearing all of a sudden. I was planning to help you work out the necessary details for this, but something else came up at the last minute. Though I know this all sounds like me making up petty reasons for my absence.”

You shake your head, taking a sip on your cup of instant coffee. “Not at all! Director Hu told me about your dealings with a Snezhnayan diplomat, so I figured that I needed to step up one way or another.”

Zhongli’s expression morphs into something unreadable before he reaches for one of the paper cups stashed away – filling it with cold water from the dispenser. “Is that what she’s told you all?” he sighs, taking a long gulp of his drink before setting the cup down on the table. “That child… I’m aware she has her way of running things in this company, but she needn’t lie about my whereabouts.”

…Lie? Wait, what exactly did Hu Tao –

“Since I forced you to spearhead such an important project alone, I might as well let you in on the truth,” he laughs softly, lips pressed into a small smile. “Would that make for sufficient compensation?”

You swallow the lump in your throat, avoiding the intensity of his gaze. “Um, you don’t have to if it’s a touchy subject, sir. I respect that we all have lives outside of work.”

“I insist,” Zhongli says, leaning against the wall without breaking eye contact. “It’s also a…means for me to ‘let out some steam’, as the director might’ve put it. But I won’t divulge anything you don’t wish to hear, of course.”

You take a moment to mull over his words. Is he saying that he wants to open up to you or something? Well…

“I don’t mind,” you reply, feeling the skin of your fingertips buzz underneath the heat of your cup. Anticipation –  that’s what you’re feeling. “You can tell me anything, sir. And I swear upon my end-of-year bonus that I won’t share it to a single soul.”

Your boss flashes you another smile, shaking his head in amusement. “I’m grateful for your promise of confidentiality. You truly are a worthwhile companion.”

“...As for the real reason behind my absence, no I did not meet with a non-existent envoy from Snezhnaya. I made a three-day trip to Guili Plains.” Zhongli speaks each word carefully, as if not wanting you to miss a beat. “You and the rest of the department aren’t familiar with such a tradition that I make sure to uphold every year, since I was just newly transferred. Ganyu, however, has known me long enough to know that I pay the cemetery there a visit during this season if time permits it.”

The break room is quiet, save for the ever-present hum of the water dispenser. You don’t know why, but there’s a sinking feeling in your gut that tells you you’re not going to like what he’s going to say next.

“When I was still pursuing my Bachelor’s, I had this…friend,” he continues, eyes trailing up to the ceiling as if reminiscing about a better time in his life. “A friend that I held closer to my heart than anyone else. We were supposed to build a company that could change the world together – a pipe dream that youths often pour their souls into when they think they can do anything and everything they desire.

“But one day, that friend fell ill all of a sudden. We both thought it was just a mild sickness, nothing so severe that we should fret about it.” He sighs, and you can see how his mild-mannered demeanor makes way for the sorrow that roots itself on his face. You’ve never seen Zhongli look so…downcast before. It makes you want to reach out and pull him into an embrace, but you know better than to overstep your boundaries. “I’m sure you know where this leads. Turns out, the disease wasn’t just an ordinary coughing fit. She was diagnosed with lung cancer and died of it faster than I could even complete my final semester in college.” 

“I-I’m sorry,” you blurt out all of a sudden – the shock on your face surfacing too suddenly for you to hide. “Oh, gods. You didn’t have to tell me this if it pains you to remember sir –”

“None of that,” Zhongli interjects, waving a hand in dismissal. “I chose to tell you this tale, didn’t I? Insisted, even. So you don’t need to worry about my grief, as this is something that I’ve long come to terms with.” 

Holy shit. Now you feel twice as terrible for feeling relieved that things between him and Guizhong have gone south. It’s all because she was dead. Great, now the fates are probably going to turn you into a lizard in your next life just to call it quits or something. But you don’t really have much room for those self-deprecating thoughts after everything Zhongli just told you.

“Guili Plains is quite far from here,” you comment, choosing your words carefully. “Did she live there? 

Zhongli hums. “Yes and no. The two of us lived together here in Liyue Harbor while we completed our studies, but she grew up in Guili. They’re no longer growing there today, but she used to tell me about how much she loved the glaze lilies that bloomed outside of her childhood home.”

…A ‘friend’ he used to live with. A ��friend’ he held closer to his heart than anyone else. If there are awards for being the worst at masking hidden details, Zhongli is definitely raking everything in. Though you suppose now’s not the time to be nitpicking about your boss’ lack of subtlety. 

“How long has it been?” you ask. “If…you don’t mind me asking.”

“I think we’re both past the point of minding,” he chuckles, despite everything, and you can hardly believe it. “But…it’s been six years since she passed.”

Six years, and he still dreams of her.

You nod slowly before finishing the rest of your coffee – now cold with how long you took to drink it. 

“Thank you for sharing all this to me, sir. I–I…don’t know what to say,” you admit. 

“Nor do I expect you to say anything at all,” he tells you. “Just having an ear to listen to my…troubles is worth more than all the mora in this company combined. It’s quite rare for me to find anyone willing to hear me out.”

You wonder if it’s because of Zhongli’s picture perfect image that no one would stop to think that he experiences the same things everyone does. He grieves. He loves. He even lays himself vulnerable like this. Hell, you wouldn’t even dare to imagine Zhongli being anything but the unflawed superior everyone knows and adores if he never spoke about this at all. 

But he did. He trusted you enough to share a part of himself that he doesn’t just let anyone else know about. Whether it was just to repay your so-called stellar performance or something else, you’re grateful for his faith in you either way.

All of a sudden, you stride closer to Zhongli – the sound of you bumping against the side of the table at your urgency surprising him a bit. Before you can slip-up any further, you hold out your hand as you cast him a determined stare. 

“I’ll be looking forward to working on this project with you.”

Zhongli is at a loss for words for a while, those deep amber eyes alternating between your face and your outstretched hand. You wonder if he thinks you’re doing some sort of alien gesture. But in the end, your worries are dispelled the moment he shakes it gingerly.

“I feel the exact same way,” Zhongli says – in a much brighter tone now that the storm has passed. 

You just hope it will be a while before the clouds roll overhead once more.

The days pass by before you know it.

Along with the end of the year comes the beginning of your newest project. Zhongli was kind enough to lay all the groundwork in your stead, and all you had to do was secure some due partnerships with other companies residing in Yujing Terrace. With just a bit more convincing, you might even get the Liyue Qixing to become one of the official sponsors for the event, especially with someone like Ganyu by your side. Rumor has it that she’s one of Lady Ningguang’s favorite secretaries, until Zhongli whisked her away. You just prayed that she won’t take your boss’ past history of secretary-nabbing personally. 

Your reputation has slowly picked up in your department as well. For the past two years, you were always careful about the connections you made because even if Hu Tao is privy to your unique constitution, you’ll be forced to switch locations if someone catches wind that you’re a succubus. You’re certain that the director could pull a few strings if something like that ever happened, but you never really liked relying on others too much – more so making them share your burdens.

At least, that’s how things were before Zhongli entrusted you with such an important task.

“There’s a drinking party somewhere at Chihu Rock – one of the newbies is treating,” Zhang, the desk neighbor you used to hate so much, informs you as he stuffs his laptop into his backpack. “The girls from accounting asked me to invite you, if you’re wondering.”

You cast him a surprised stare while you tidy up your own workspace, sparing a quiet laugh once you get ahold of yourself. “You guys aren’t bullying the new employees into footing the bill, are you?”

“Hey, if this is how they want to get in their seniors’ good graces, who am I to say no?” He shrugs, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “So, you coming or not?”

Now that you think about it, you don’t particularly have anything else to get done for this week. All the necessary preparations for the first leg of the event are in place, and your team members assured that they’ll give you a ring once something comes up. 

“Sure thing,” you tell Zhang with a smile. “There better be finger food.”

Company drinking parties aren’t as bad as you thought. They’re not mixers in disguise, like all the manga you’ve illegally downloaded off Inazuman websites suggested. You got to know your close colleagues, and some other people in departments that rarely come into contact with yours. The alcohol isn’t half bad either, especially when the lively newcomer Zhang told you about is going to make good on his promise. You’re not so stuck-up that you’ll deny free food and drinks once they’re offered.

To your dismay, you still aren’t used to drinking with a lot of people as company. Normally, you just grab a few packs of beer from the supermarket before consuming them in your lonesome at home. You realize a little too late that if you’re drinking out, you really shouldn’t be chugging glass after glass as if you’re the only person enjoying the liquor out here. 

After a few more pints, some of your co-workers have started to tap out – making you pout at them, red-faced and more pissy than usual. “What? You guys are going? And here I thought these drinking parties lasted until morning.”

Zhang shakes his head at your side, clinking his glass with yours before downing his drink. “Right? These guys have been hanging out with us for months, but they act like they can’t handle drinking on a work night.”

“Hmph, we all know why you’re insistent on staying behind tonight, Zhang,” one of the girls from accounting – Chen? Was that her name? – says, rolling her eyes as she hoists her handbag over her shoulder. “Just…take care of her, alright? Zhongli’s going to kick your ass if something happens.”

You’re still feeling a bit woozy from the beer, so you can only crane your head in confusion. What did she mean by take care of you? You can take care of yourself, thank you very –

“I will, I will,” Zhang chuckles, and suddenly, you feel a heavy arm drape itself across your shoulders – making you wrinkle your nose. “I never expected her to drink so much, but it’s a good thing that I’m here.” 

“I doubt that,” Chen scoffs. “Oh, well. See you guys tomorrow!”

Once the others make their leave, that’s when you start mumbling under your breath “Ugh. The first time I actually come along to these kinds of things and the people who invited me don’t even last until the end,” you complain, pressing your face against the wooden table in front of you. “Where’s the kid that said he was going to pay for everything? It’s just the two of us left…”

Zhang rubs your back in a way that isn’t really soothing the way your skin burns from the alcohol, but you’re a bit too intoxicated to tell him off. “Aww, don’t worry. Some of my pals helped the poor guy home, but he asked the bar to put everything on his tab before he passed out. So if you still want to have a go, I’m down.” 

You can feel something buzzing in your bag, but it’s probably just a text notification from your phone carrier. You’ve been receiving a lot of those lately. Maybe you should pay your bill soon. But your thoughts about phone bills are rudely interrupted by the feel of Zhang snaking an arm around your waist – pulling you upright as he steadies your shoulder with his free hand.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep here,” he says. “You’re going to feel like shit once you wake up from a drunk nap, you know.”

“Don’t care…” you mumble, eyelids drooping as you lose your grip on the handle of your glass. “‘M so sleepy. Can you get me a cab back home, Zhang…? Don’t think I can commute anymore.”

Zhang doesn’t respond right away, and you nearly doze off in that short bout of silence. But eventually, your desk neighbor helps you back to your feet and walks you out of the bar – exchanging farewells with the bartender on your way out.

The late evening breeze feels chilly against your legs, even through your stockings – yet that isn’t quite enough to make you snap out of your drowsiness. You end up leaning against Zhang for support as you wait for him to call a cab, all the while you screw your eyes shut – trying to stop your head from spinning. 

“You know… There’s a hotel nearby that we can just crash in for the night.”

You’re too far between consciousness and slumber to fully process what he just said. All you can do is press the side of your face against his shoulder as you attempt not to fall asleep on the spot. But, apparently, Zhang takes your lack of a response for confirmation – wrapping his arm around your shoulder as he leads you to the direction of the hotel. You don’t really think of it much, since the desire to sleep is the only thing weighing on your mind right now. You’re just glad someone’s patient enough to guide you as you stumble around the sidewalk. 

Suddenly, though, Zhang’s strides come to a halt. 

Your mind vaguely registers the sound of him speaking to someone else. Huh. You could’ve sworn the others have already left. But their conversation lasts a bit longer than you anticipated, and you force yourself to listen in. 

“...Thank you for watching out for her all this time. I’ll take it from here.”

This voice…? Is that –

“U-Uh, sure, sir,” you can hear Zhang sputter beside you before you feel him shift your weight onto something – no, someone else. “I don’t really know where she lives so –”

You don’t really hear the rest of what Zhang has to say because you’re distracted by the person who just joined the fray. His clothes feel thick underneath your touch, like tailored fabric made from the most exquisite material, and they carry a familiar scent that reminds you of incense – one with a unique spice, just a touch archaic. You might’ve been too drunk to tell at the time, but if you had more strength than you did, you would’ve pushed Zhang away because his touch alone already didn’t feel right. With this person, though? You’d gladly lay in his arms for days. 

The last memory you have that night is the sensation of being gently ushered into the passenger seat of an unfamiliar car. A soothing voice speaks to you constantly, as if trying to keep you awake. But the gentle lull of his words do little to aid that particular cause, and when he slides into the driver’s seat next to you, you’re already out like a light.

“Is anything the matter?”

You blink in non-plus, feeling like you’ve just woken up from a dream despite the fact that you’re sitting in a vast field of flowers. Wait a moment. 

Glancing at your side, you see the Zhongli’s humanoid counterpart – those draconian eyes of his scanning your face to see if something was wrong. In his hands is a bundle of pale blue flowers, clutched tightly between his clawed fingers, and you feel your shoulders sag. The idea that you unknowingly stepped into his dreams again as Guizhong incites a rush of guilt that you have all the reason to feel right now.

You don’t even remember planning on feeding tonight. Sure, it’s been a while since the first time you collected energy from your boss, but you’re not particularly in need of a refill right now. How did you even end up here in the first place?

Thankfully, Guizhong does all the talking while you accustom yourself to your unplanned invasion. “I just never thought you’d humor my request. You were never that fond of the glaze lilies.”

“This is where I met you all those years ago,” he reminds you. “Why would I ever loathe the thing that brought us together, my love?”

Silence envelops the two of you for a sliver of a moment, and you catch the scent of the ephemeral flowers even in the filtered reality of Zhongli’s dream. Guizhong lets out a peal of gentle laughter as she picks one of the lilies that grew in abundance – examining the unassuming bloom rather fondly.

“These flowers take the memories of the land and transform them into an unforgettable fragrance,” she murmurs. “When the war is over, do you think they’ll still carry the scent of our union, Rex?”

…War? There’s a war?

But in the end, you never get to hear Zhongli’s answer nor the proper explanation behind what Guizhong just said. When you open your eyes, it’s to an unfamiliar room that makes you bolt upright – eyes frantically darting around the vicinity while you try to recall what happened before you fell asleep.

Drinking party. Zhang being all touchy feely. Being taken care of by someone else.

You try not to think about the awful taste that lingers in your mouth as you try to figure out whose house you’re currently crashing. This obviously isn’t yours because you can’t afford the imported rug that’s tucked underneath the queen-sized bed. However, when your gaze lands on the dark-wood nightstand, you see a couple of glaze lilies sitting in an expensive-looking vase.

The next thing your barely sober mind takes note of is the presence of another person on the bed right next to you. Anticipation coils in your gut as you turn around slowly, and when you see Zhongli sleeping soundly a respectable distance away, you can’t help the way your heart throbs at the sight. He looks a bit more like the man in his dreams like this – dark hair pooled messily across his pillows. And you also notice that he’s still in the dress shirt he often wears to work, further suggesting that he might’ve fallen asleep while watching over you. The idea is enough to make your face flush with shame.

You spot your bag placed on top of a table at the other side of the room, so you quietly slip out of his bed before retrieving your phone inside. How did Zhongli even know where you were? Was he aware that you were out drinking with your colleagues? A single glance at your lock screen is all the answer you need because there, you bear witness to several unanswered calls and text messages from your boss himself. 

From where you stood, you cast the man in question a longing stare. He was kind enough to take care of you when you obviously couldn’t do that for yourself – even going as far as to let you sleep on the same bed as him. Zhongli is quite the busy man. Busy enough that he always turns down any and all invitations for drinks, yet he showed up outside the bar earlier tonight and just…took you back home with him? You don’t see any signs that he might’ve tried to take advantage of your inebriated state either – not that you believed that Zhongli is capable of such a thing. He was a proper gentleman through and through.

But…good intentions aside, you’re still at a loss for answers when you recall the dream you shared with him just now. This is the first time you found yourself inside a dreamscape without meaning to, and you’re unsure of whether or not this is a cause for alarm. What’s more is that his dreams always seem to take place in a world that’s wholly unfamiliar to you – a place where you take the form of his past lover without any real reason behind it.

Not wanting to overstay your welcome, you quickly type in a text message to Zhongli – thanking him for everything he’s done, along with an apology that you’ll probably repeat once you see him again in the office. Although you’re more conscious of his aberrant dreams than you imposing on his kindness. 

You tell yourself to just leave whatever you saw, whatever you heard there in his mind. There’s no reason for you to keep nosing in. You already got your fill, right? And you never feed on the same person twice – never.  

You just hope you can live by that personal rule of yours for as long as you can.

News flash: you cave to your pesky, curious tendencies not two days since the incident.

Zhongli makes it terribly easy for you, too. Every night, by eleven P.M., your boss is already sound asleep – providing you with ample time to travel in-between dreams before reaching the one that perpetually occurs inside his head. 

The more you make these timely visits, the more you learn about the life that Zhongli – no, Rex Lapis – lives in this world. He’s someone that mortals call the God of Contracts. Someone who shows no mercy to anyone who dares break any sort of agreement that they willingly set in stone. He and Guizhong live in an era where the gods fight for the title of archon – a concept that you’re still having some trouble wrapping your head around. But in the most fundamental sense, Rex is someone equally respected and feared, and you can’t blame others for feeling that way.

When he speaks to people that aren’t Guizhong, he dons a stone-cold visage that still makes your blood run cold despite how many times you’ve seen it. It wasn’t a bluff when he said he didn’t care for the humans he and his lover watched over. All he wanted was to give Guizhong a place to live comfortably – and if that meant felling other gods just to attain that goal, he’ll gladly bloody his hands for it. 

But Guizhong, the God of Dust, was never that fond of Rex’s violent ways of doing things. 

She reminds him that humans are just as small and fragile as dust. They do not know when they’re bound to lose their lives to disaster or strife, and so they live in fear. Because they live in fear, they try so hard to be much more than the small, fragile creatures that the gods have reduced them to. Guizhong is a god who’s more human than divine, and you suppose that’s something that Rex is yet to fully understand.

These are only some of the things you learned during your visits, and you can’t help but tune into every scenario that unfolds. Like a television series you can’t quite get enough of. However, you’re careful not to let the curious tale of Zhongli’s dreams hinder you in your waking life. 

Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to remember any of the things that take place in his dreams. Whenever you run into him at work, Zhongli simply greets you with that trademark smile of his before discussing business as usual. No telltale signs of any sort of disturbance rooted from his slumber. 

At the office, you notice that you’ve become closer beyond measure as well – both as colleagues and, you daresay, friends. Along with the team you’re heading for the project, your boss is one of your constant support systems during such a hectic time in your career. 

Not only does he serve as something similar to your advisor, but he also keeps you company whenever you need to unwind.

During one of your late dinners, you share a glass of wine in his company as he shares some embarrassing work stories over the years. Zhongli is about three years your senior, so it makes sense for him to have more tales to tell. Nonetheless, you enjoy every minute of it, and in the back of your mind, you wonder when he’ll take you out like this again.

But when Zhongli drives you back to your apartment that night, he abruptly grabs hold of your wrist as you open the door to the passenger seat. You shoot him a startled look, but your boss’ alluring gaze doesn’t waver. You want to ask him what’s the matter, but before you can even get a single word out, he’s already pulling you close enough for a kiss.

You can’t process what was happening fast enough – simply sitting there in shock as you feel your superior’s mouth move against yours. When Zhongli doesn’t get so much as a reaction from you though, he pulls away with a troubled look on his face. 

“I apologize. Really, I do,” Zhongli says. “Perhaps I’ve had too much –”

This time, your senses finally kickstart into motion as you throw your arms around his neck before pulling him in again. You return his kiss in earnest, even going as far as licking the swell of his bottom lip to show you that you’re more eager for his affections than he initially assumed. And when you feel his strong arms circle around your waist in the same, possessive way he held you in the first dream, you all but moan into his mouth.

You’re not sure how things led up to this point, exactly. It’s true that you and him have grown more familiar with each other since the project’s launch, but you never would’ve imagined doing this with Zhongli in real life. You thought you were content with having sampled the more sensual side of him in your dreams, but as it turns out, Hu Tao was right.

Nothing beats the real thing.

“What does this mean?” you whisper in-between gasps, laughing a bit as Zhongli chases after your lips. He lets out a disgruntled noise when you pull away, and you feel the urgency in his touch when his hand rests against your cheek.

“It means I fancy you very much,” he tells you bluntly. “Though I admit, this might be too sudden. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, or if you don’t wish to do these kinds of things with me. I just hope my admission doesn’t change our dynamic at work.”

…Is he being for real? Did Zhongli just assume that you didn’t feel the same way? 

“Everything happens all in due time,” you tell him with a smile, brushing away some of his bangs as you take the time to admire the man before you. “And who said I wasn’t at all interested, sir?”

Zhongli sighs, dipping his head closer to press a fleeting kiss on your forehead. The sensation sets your heart alight with glee, and you can’t help but lean closer to his touch.

“When it’s just the two of us, I’d prefer it if you called me by my first name,” he tells you as he presses another kiss to your cheek. “Would that be alright?”

“Of course,” you breathe – placing your hand over the one he’s using to cup your face. “I’d love that.”

At that moment, you don’t think about how it’s been tough for you to find yourself a boyfriend over the last few years. How starting a relationship like this with Zhongli is going to give you more problems than you bargained for. All that matters is the comforting warmth of his touch as the two of you bask in each other’s company in the privacy of his car. 

Nothing more, nothing less.

Times where you attempt to contact people like yourself are few and far in between. You want little to do in the lifestyles of other succubi and incubi, but it’s a different case with Xingqiu.

You met him by chance in the most awkward way possible. One time, you decided that a college boy who once interned at Wangsheng was going to be your target of the month. But on the night you tried to harvest energy from him, someone else was already occupying the dream – doing the things you were supposed to do before you could even arrive.

Long story short, you ended up doing a little snooping around with your targets first before going in for the kill. You wouldn’t want to run into Xingqiu in the middle of a feeding again, after all.

“It’s been a while,” he comments as you slide into the seat across from him. Xingqiu closes the book he was reading and props an elbow on the table, resting his head against the curve of his palm. “I’m guessing this is really important if you came to me for help.”

“It is,” you sigh.

Your companion nods along and smiles. “Okay, I’ll hear you out. Make sure to order something first because I can tell this one’s going to take us a while.”

Wanmin Restaurant, the place he chose for your quick meeting, serves the best Black-Back Perch Stew you’ve ever tasted in your life. This makes it a whole lot easier to settle down and explain your situation to Xingqiu to the most minute details. He quietly eats his own food as you tell him about the dreams you experience inside Zhongli’s head. How it always takes place in the same setting. How the sequence of events seem to have a linear pattern to them – which is quite rare to encounter in a human’s dreams. You’ve never once felt any sense of order whenever you hopped into the minds of your targets, but it’s as if you’re witnessing something straight out of a film reel when it comes to your boss-turned-lover.

You suspect that Xingqiu has been an incubus long before you’ve even been born. In spite of his appearance, you can tell he holds more wisdom about your kind than one would expect. So it doesn’t come as a surprise when he quietly hums at the end of your story – an answer already prepared in advance.

“Memories,” he says simply. “You’re not just witnessing that man’s dreams – you’re watching his memories.” 

You frown. “But…that place is something that’s straight out of a fantasy novel. Gods and monsters? A world plunged into a war? How could Zhongli have memories of that?”

Xingqiu spares you a soft laugh. “How do creatures like us still exist in a world catered for humans and humans alone? There are many things that can’t be explained by pure logic. But I have a hunch that the owner of the memories you see is both your boyfriend and isn’t at the same time.”

“...I’m sorry?”

“Do you believe in past lives?” he asks. “Reincarnation, exactly. Do you believe that all of us have already lived once before?”

“Are you saying that the stuff I’m seeing in his dreams are memories of a past life?” you clarify, face twisting with confusion. “Xingqiu, isn’t that a bit…”

“Crazy? It is,” he chuckles. “But like I said, this world leaves a lot of things unexplained. Some details are meant to sound crazy so you wouldn’t think they’re actually possible.”

You toy with what’s left of your dish, the appetite you’ve built up suddenly dissipating at the idea that Xingqiu just proposed to you. So even in a past life, Zhongli adored Guizhong to the point that he’d tear both heaven and earth asunder all in her name. You wonder if the Zhongli in this world, the one you’re currently dating, loved Guizhong to the same degree as well. He probably did, and you probably wouldn’t compare to someone like her.

“Is it possible for past lives to have some…parallels to the ones we live now?” Your voice is quiet, almost as if you fear for the answer.

The incubus considers the question for a moment. “Well, yes. The saying ‘history repeats itself’ isn’t exactly true because history doesn’t repeat itself – sometimes, it just rhymes. Things that occurred in the past can occur again in the present, but they won’t always entail the same meaning.” 

You receive his words with a solemn nod, feeling your chest twist uncomfortably. Somehow, you don’t really like the sound of that.

“Thank you,” you tell Xingqiu when the two of you are done splitting the bill. “You seriously shed some light on a lot of things that were confusing me.”

“Don’t mention it,” he insists, tucking his book underneath his shoulder. For a moment, you think that this is where you part ways, but Xingqiu suddenly pauses – eyes narrowing as he leans closer to you. “When was the last time you fed?”

You’re taken aback by his sudden inquiry, but you manage an answer all the same. “Um, a while.”

“Well, what are you waiting for? You have a boyfriend that’s more than willing to help you, right?” He posits the question like he expected the answer to be yes, but when you shyly avert your gaze, Xingqiu’s smile falls almost immediately. “Oh, no. He doesn’t know what you are, does he?”

“It’s kind of hard to just go off on a tangent and say, ‘hey I’m actually a demon that receives my life force from dream sex’,” you point out, but know he’s right either way. “I…I do plan on telling him. Just not anytime soon. We’re kind of busy with a huge project at work, and I can’t really drop something like that out of nowhere.”

Xingqiu sighs, pinching his nose between his fingers. “But you’ve been spending a lot of time in his dreams anyways. Am I right? You seem to know an awful lot about his past life now that I think about it.”

…Of course Xingqiu’s going to be the one who catches you red-handed.

It’s really no secret that you still frequent Zhongli’s dreams, not to feed but to learn more about the life Rex lived alongside Guizhong. Since you started going out with your boss, the details became more descriptive with each visit. It’s as if you’re starting to assimilate yourself better in Guizhong’s body, and you could glean more insight about that strange, strange world with more certainty. Last night, she and Rex talked about how they plan on transferring the Guili Assembly to the harbor city, where they’ll be far from the evil gods that wish to kill them all.

“Well, whatever your circumstances are, you know what happens when you don’t feed,” Xingqiu reminds you almost grimly, not leaving any trace of his once cheerful façade. “Don’t downplay the effects of hunger. We’re already an endangered species as is.”

As you head home that day, you end up thinking about his warning more than you should. Everything Xingqiu said is in the right – you knew as much. You’ve had to suffer through the aftereffects only recently yourself, but...

You can take it. Just a bit more.

The next day, Zhongli comes over to your apartment to prepare dinner for you. He’s been excited all week to serve you his signature bamboo shoot soup, but Xingqiu’s words haunt you for the entirety of the day. You try your best not to make your distress obvious to your boyfriend, but you’re gravely mistaken if you thought Zhongli wasn’t going to catch on.

“Is anything on your mind?” he asks softly, pressing his lips to your neck. You’re seated comfortably in his lap as the two of you lounge on the sofa. But even if this has become one of your favorite places to relax with him, you just can’t bring yourself to do so now.

“Just…work,” you sigh as you rest your head across his chest. 

The beat of his heart is steady like usual, reminding you that Zhongli is real and breathing right beside you. That he’s not just a product of your dreams, like your mind always leads you to believe.

“Somehow I don’t believe that.” You can almost hear him pout. “Was dinner not to your liking, perhaps?”

“No, it’s not that,” you insist. “I’m just…really tired is all.”

That’s not exactly a lie. You’re starting to feel the effects of your own self-deprivation with each passing day. And even if you already learned your lesson last time, your conscience can’t take the idea of feeding on another person when you have a boyfriend. To further add to your list of problems, even if you wanted to harness energy from Zhongli, the setting of his dreams is too convoluted for you to pick up the right momentum. 

Rex Lapis was working hard to defend the land that he and Guizhong dedicated their lives to protect. Even if you appeared as the woman he loved more than anything else in his dreams, you doubt you’ll be able to seduce him during such a crucial period in the war. 

So now, you’re stuck in a stalemate between your own stubbornness and physiological needs. You’re not even going to be surprised anymore if your body just suddenly gives out on you one of these days.

“Can I propose something that could take your mind off such trifling affairs?”

The room falls silent once he utters the words, and you feel the blood rush to your cheeks. Was he suggesting what you think he’s suggesting? 

As far as intimacy goes, you haven’t really gone all the way with Zhongli. Apart from the occasional makeout sessions in the break room, in his office, and sometimes even his car, you never really sought for anything more than that. You’re well aware that Guizhong’s death is still fresh in his heart, and if he ever considered the possibility of sex, you’d want him to come to you in his own time. 

This is quite the opportune moment for it, too. You’re barely keeping up appearances now that your stockpile of sexual energy started to dwindle. But now that Zhongli was coming onto you, you suppose it won’t hurt to kill two birds with one stone. 

There’s something different in the air as he carries you to your bedroom – lips never straying too far from yours. Zhongli’s eyes are heavily lidded with want, a look you have a tough time imagining on him given the man’s saintlike patience. But as he carefully peels off your clothes, you can’t help but think how different he is from Rex. Where the God of Contracts is ferocious and impatient, Zhongli seems like he’s going to take all the time in the world to drown you in his love. 

“That tickles,” you mewl as his fingers trail across your inner thigh and you feel him smirk against the skin of your throat. 

“I know,” he says. “I quite enjoy seeing you squirm underneath my touch.”

“You’re mean…”

You can barely contain the gasp that resounds from your lips when you feel him tracing your slick entrance with the prod of his fingers. Zhongli murmurs the sweetest things against your lips, yet the things he’s doing between your thighs are anything but innocent. He keeps your knees apart, spreading you open for only him to see, and as he gazes at you from above, you clumsily tug off the tie that’s holding his beautiful hair in place.

Dark brown tresses cascade across the sides of his head. You stare up at the gorgeous man above you with a longing sigh.

When his long, thick digits sink into you, you silence your moans in the curve of his shoulder – teeth biting down at his flesh as Zhongli loosens you up. You feel his thumb occasionally catching on your clit, as if meaning to tease a momentary sensation of pleasure before denying you a few moments later. He’s cruel like that. Nonetheless, he watches you with quiet fascination as you practically grind yourself against his hand – feeling just how wet his fingers have gotten in the short time you were inside the room. The squelch of your cunt is a sound you would’ve been too embarrassed to hear, had you been with someone else. But with Zhongli, everything just seems so right.

“That’s it,” he goads you huskily, teeth grazing the side of your jaw. “Lose yourself for me, darling. Think of no one else but me.”

Darling? That’s new. But the new pet name only serves to push you over the edge – making your walls clench around his fingers as you ride out your orgasm. Zhongli claims your lips in another heated kiss, relentlessly plunging his digits into you despite the overstimulation. You beg him to stop, but the only sound that comes from your mouth is a broken moan of his name.

You’re nothing but a boneless pile on the bed when you finally come down from your high, breathing heavily as you attempt to reorient yourself to your surroundings. The sensation of Zhongli shifting above you registers a bit late in your mind, but your frayed nerves jolt back to life when you feel him rubbing the head of his cock across your glistening seam. 

“Too much,” you whimper. “Zhongli, i-it’s too much…”

He leans down to press a loving kiss on your mouth, one of his hands rubbing your hip soothingly. “Shhh, I know you can take me. Just like you always have.” 

…Wait, what?

You can’t even offer what he said another thought because Zhongli makes good on his words and slowly slips his length into you without much warning. A sob nearly tears its way out of your throat with how his thick cock stretches you to the brim, but your lover kisses away the tears before they even come. 

“You mean so much to me,” he murmurs, twining his hands with yours. “More than you could ever know.” 

That was a given. Having Zhongli as a boyfriend made you feel like you were important; you were loved. Though you haven’t been dating for all that long, he never once gave you a reason to doubt the sincerity of his feelings. So despite all the odd things you unknowingly witnessed in his dreams, you like to believe that he meant every word. 

His hips slap against yours unabated, pumping his length hard and fast enough to make you croon his name over and over. And even if he managed to exhibit some degree of patience a while ago, it takes little time for Zhongli to move past his courtesy and bite down on the skin of your throat hard enough to bruise. 

“Mine,” he growls. “I’ll never let you go, my love.”

You would’ve teased him for such a cheesy choice of words if you were under different circumstances. But the moment the new endearment falls from Zhongli’s lips, you go completely still underneath him. 

“Stop. Zhongli, please stop.”

To his credit, he listens just as told – gazing at you with a puzzled look as he takes his length out. Zhongli is concerned for a moment, because you’re staring at him as if he’s killed a man right in front of you. When he reaches out a hand to touch your face, intent on asking what was wrong, you instinctively slap it away.

“I…” Your voice fails you. After all, how on earth can you just tell him that you wanted to stop because that was the very same thing that Rex calls Guizhong in his dreams. You can’t help but think that Zhongli used to call the Guizhong of this world the same thing, too.

Sometimes, real life could coincide with what happens in the dreamscape. Inside his mind, Rex Lapis sees Guizhong, not you. And you’re more than inclined to believe that it’s the same case here with Zhongli.

You’re not the one he sees – it’s the dead woman that he’s never stopped loving these past six years.

You know you’re being obtuse. Your boss isn’t the kind of person who lets his past grievances interfere with his present relationships. But the anxiety you’ve accumulated since your meeting with Xingqiu had boiled over with the worst timing possible. 

Instead of talking it out, you roll over to your side of the bed – pulling the covers tight enough around your body so that he sees no inch of it. You know that what you’re doing is probably hurting Zhongli more than you think, but you shut out any hint of remorse that threatens to make you waver.

It doesn’t take long for him to settle on the spot right next to you. Zhongli doesn’t ask why you suddenly pushed him away, nor do you make an effort to explain. 

“I’m sorry.” 

His words ring sincerely enough, but it sounds like he doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for. You don’t fault him for it. You’re still unsure why you even let yourself be consumed by your own doubts. Didn’t you just say you believed in Zhongli when he told you how much you mean to him?

You suppose this is where you fall short compared to Guizhong. The God of Dust put her faith in Rex Lapis despite his violent tendencies. She believes in him both as his follower and lover in equal measure. You, though? You’re already lucky enough to be dealing with a mellowed down version of the man in your dreams, but you still decide to take it for granted. Because…what? You’re insecure? You’re jealous of a woman who’s been dead for six years?

In the end, you decide that you’re too tired to think about it at the moment. Since you interrupted your own feeding session, your body wasn’t able to gain even an ounce of energy. You’re better off preserving what little you had left if you knew what was good for you.

(If Zhongli hears you choke on your own sobs later in the night, he says nothing of it in the morning.) 

“Can you make a contract with me?”

Rex Lapis is cleaning the blood off his polearm when Guizhong’s voice cuts through the silence of the night. He stares at her hard, yet his gaze still carries a hint of fondness he’s reserved for her and her alone.

She purses her lips before continuing, “If I were to be infected by the miasma that’s tainting the guardian yakshas in the front lines, I want you to take my life.”

“No.” His answer is quick and precise, as if he’s already mulled it over several times before she even brought the matter to light. “If that happens, I’ll turn this world upside down just to find a cure that can save you.”

“Yet you can’t even do that for the children who devoted their lives to you?” 

He stills, feeling the jab of his lover’s accusation hit harder than he expected. It’s not that he doesn’t care for the adepti – he simply knows that it’s in their nature to be more tenacious than the rest of their soldiers. Rex Lapis is certain that they can resist the effects of the miasma on their own merit. Guizhong, however, is just as delicate as the dust she holds dominion over. He’d rather watch the world burn first than let her die either by his hand or the corruption induced by that pesky miasma.

But still, he respects all his lover’s thoughts and wishes. She isn’t the brains of their operation for nothing. Without her, he wouldn’t have made it half as far in this war as he did now.

“Very well,” Rex Lapis agrees, albeit reluctantly. “I will honor this contract until the day I die.”

Guizhong’s eyes soften at his decision, and when she smiles, he feels his stone cold heart thawing at the radiance that only she can ever exude.

“I know you will.” 

“You’re doing it again, huh?”

Hu Tao ambles by your cubicle with that knowing tone of hers, arms crossed in a way that suggests you’re about to receive another thorough scolding. But you’re really not in the mood to be told off by someone who hasn’t lived in your shoes before, so you opt to ignore her. 

“Hey, I’m talking to you,” she huffs, fingers pinching your face like she often does but you keep your eyes straight on the screen of your laptop. “Aren’t you and the consultant seeing each other lately? Is he not good in bed or something?”

Thankfully, the director has the decency to lower her voice when she speaks, making you heave another sigh before glancing at her warily. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Hmm… Let me guess. You’re doing something you’re not supposed to, aren’t you?”

Hu Tao’s perceptiveness is absolutely beyond you. You’ve always known that she’s quicker on the uptake than most people you’ve met in life, but it’s almost scary how she’s seemingly aware of your actions. You’re the succubus and she’s the human, but sometimes you feel like Hu Tao has more power over you than you initially assumed.

You try not to think about the more recent additions to your vignettes of Zhongli’s past memories. You can tell that the stakes of the war were growing higher and higher each time you visited his dreams. Could that be the influence of the current events in his life?

Ever since the night you pushed him away, you and Zhongli haven’t been on speaking terms. Sure, the two of you still conversed about details that need fine-tuning for your project, but beyond that, it’s complete radio silence. His good morning and good night texts have stopped, and he’s never once dropped by your apartment in that time frame; nor has he invited you over to his own. His distant behavior tears you up more than you realize, but you tell yourself that he has all the right to avoid you if he’s upset about what you did.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you tell Hu Tao. “Director, forgive me for being blunt, but I’d like to focus on this report now.”

Your superior sighs. You assume she’s going to concede early for a change, but the moment you think Hu Tao is already on her way, you feel her lean closer to your ear, whispering something that sends a chill down your spine.

“Don’t dive too deep into matters that don’t concern you. Don’t try to change things that have already been set in stone,” she says calmly, her fingers digging slightly into your shoulders. “If you lose sight of what’s really important, you might lose yourself in the process, too.”

When she lets go of you, Hu Tao continues humming that same, lively song she always sings – leaving you to deal with the guilt that grips your heart like a vice.

About two weeks since Zhongli started giving you the silent treatment, you come to a sound conclusion.

He’s still thinking about Guizhong. Well, she was his first love – meaning, your boss isn’t exactly going to stop thinking of her anytime soon. But you thought about your conversation with Xingqiu several times over the last few days. You hypothesized that the reason why Zhongli was continuously dreaming about his memories of a past long gone is because his grief cuts even deeper than he let on. 

Though you have no means of making sure, you’re almost too certain that the reason Zhongli still thinks of her even if you’re right in front of him is because her memory is too painful to let go. He clings to it subconsciously, and that desperation manifests itself in his dreams – back to a lifetime where Guizhong still lives.

The things that happened in the past are bound to happen in the present; that’s what Xingqiu told you the last time. So if the Guizhong in this world has already passed on, it’s safe to assume that the one in his dreams is bound to face the same fate as well. 

But…you have the power to change that.

Even if it’s nothing but a memory now, what if you could alter the outcome? If Zhongli is left with memories of Guizhong that aren’t tained with sorrow, maybe he can finally move past it.

Maybe he can finally see you instead of her.

It’s a fool’s line of reasoning – you know that. This was going to be one of the most dangerous things you tried in anyone’s dreamscape. But you’re so catastrophically in love with Zhongli, that you’d give up anything just to ease his pain. 

You’re well aware that your body is deteriorating at an exponential pace. Not only are you expending a lot of energy to tinker with Zhongli’s memories, but you don’t even bother with feeding anymore. You tell yourself that you can do that later, once you manage to save Guizhong from her timely demise. 

Everything you can think of to keep her from dying, you made sure happened in the dream. You don’t let her walk out to the front lines to give orders like she usually does. You make sure to avoid all the guardian yakshas, who are already tainted with the corruption that craftier gods weaponized against Rex Lapis’ forces. And most of all, you don’t let her leave his sight longer than she needs to – because if there’s anyone you can rely on to keep Guizhong alive, it’s Zhongli himself.

Of course, you’re still doing splendidly in keeping your work life separate from everything else. Your project has officially come to a close, raking in more revenue for Wangsheng than anyone expected. 

Today, you’re scheduled to give a speech addressing everyone’s efforts in the company’s conference room – something that you’re a bit reluctant to do because you know Zhongli is going to be there, too. The idea of him looking at you from the crowd with none of the adoration he used to give so freely is enough to make your stomach turn.

But still, you compose yourself. You’re no stranger to adversity, so seeing your boyfriend (can you even still call him that?) in a crowded room is the least of your problems. 

At least, that’s what you thought.

When Director Hu Tao calls you up to the platform, you're raring to go – practicing with deep breaths as you repeat the gist of your speech inside your head. You made sure to cake your face with a heavier layer of makeup this time around because the last thing you need is for her to pull you to the side and scold you for still refusing to feed. 

But the moment you get up from your seat, the world suddenly tilts to the side – your vision going black within seconds.

The last thing you remember is being whisked into a pair of strong arms. You want to curl your fingers in the fabric of his coat, to apologize a million times over, but the familiar scent of his clothes is enough to put you straight to sleep. 

“Goodness, miss. You had us terrified back there.”

Ganyu is sitting by your bed in the infirmary when you regain consciousness, wiping the tears off her face with a dainty handkerchief. You mumble a half-hearted apology, but immediately seize up when you see Zhongli leaning against the wall in front of you. 

“The nurse told us she suspected that you might have an eating disorder,” the secretary continues, rubbing your hand comfortingly. “It did seem like you were pushing yourself harder than usual during the last few weeks. You should really take care of yourself more.”

An eating disorder…? Well, if depriving yourself of your required sustenance can be translated into a human affliction, you suppose that was the most obvious counterpart. Still, you’re still feeling a bit too groggy for conversation, so instead of addressing Ganyu’s plight, you sink further into the mattress.

You can feel his gaze on your pitiful form – those eyes of endless gold. But you’re too much of a coward to face him when you’ve been reduced into such a state.

A little while later, you hear the door to the infirmary swing open. Is it odd that you can tell that the newcomer is Hu Tao based on the sound of her footsteps alone?

“Leave us,” she says sternly – addressing both Ganyu and Zhongli at the same time. “There’s something I need to discuss with her.”

You half-expect Zhongli to complain, or at least contest the director’s orders. But your heart sinks when he resigns himself to what he’s told, quietly ushering himself and his secretary out of the room.

Hu Tao waits for about two more minutes before speaking again.

“You better feed now or you’re going to die for real.”

“...But –”

“I can’t have you dying on my watch just because you’re being stubborn about it,” Hu Tao nearly snaps – eyes alight with rage. “Feed now. I don’t care who it is, just do it. I won’t let you out of this place until you’ve gotten better.”

To say that you’re terrified is putting it lightly. You’ve never seen Hu Tao get angry before, but the absolute urgency in her gaze – practically begging you to please just save yourself – makes you consider her request. 

“Okay,” you say quietly, only surrendering because you can’t save Guizhong if you’re dead. “See you in a bit.”

‘A bit’ is a lie that you didn’t really mean to tell. When you entered the crossroads of the dreamscape, you didn’t bother picking targets anymore. You slipped into the dream of a man who’s probably in his thirties, intent on just getting him off, sucking out some energy for yourself before making your leave. 

But no matter how many times you attempt to drive him to an orgasm, you don’t feel yourself getting any better. The energy that always emanates out of a man post-coitus is nowhere to be found. 

You switch targets faster than you can even blink. This time, it’s a boy that’s probably fresh out of high school, and you feel a bit horrible for having to trespass like this. But instead of fretting about common decency in a goddamn dream , you make him come about two consecutive times before realizing that –

This isn’t working, you mutter to yourself. Why the hell isn’t it working?

You’ve always had a hard time harnessing energy from strangers, yes. However, those instances granted you at least a tiny ounce of energy that could stem the hunger for a while. Now, you’re getting absolutely nothing.

It seems that Hu Tao is already privy to your dilemma when you wake up in your own body. 

“I’m going to put him to sleep,” she decides with a vexed sigh. “Make sure you get enough energy to last you for an entire year, got that? No meddling with anything else.”

“W-Wait,” you croak out, and damn, you feel even weaker than before. “What do you mean you’re going to put him to sleep? Are you talking about Zhongli?”

“Who else could I be talking about, little devil?” The director rolls her eyes. “Now, I’m going to ask you to pretend I’m not about to do something illegal and just rest. The moment you fall asleep, get into Zhongli’s head and feed. Okay?”

You don’t even get a chance to respond to Hu Tao’s words because you’re already nodding. Your bones feel like lead, limbs feel like they’ll fall off any minute. If you stay conscious any longer, your eyes might just dry out. 

It doesn’t take five minutes for you to fall asleep again. And as you drift aimlessly in the depths of your subconscious, a part of you that’s still coherent anticipates that it might take a while before you find Zhongli’s dreamscape. You’re not sure how long ‘putting him to sleep’ is going to be, but surprisingly, your existence is abruptly transported to the familiar marshlands of Dihua. 

You chalk it up to how often you’ve been hopping into Zhongli’s dreams, but you immediately notice that something isn’t right. The skies have turned into an ashen gray color – columns of smoke rising in several locations at once. When you gaze around, all you see are the fallen bodies of both soldiers and monsters alike. 

Rex. You need to find Rex Lapis.

That’s your very first instinct once your consciousness fully pulls through, careful to step over the decaying corpses as you mutter a silent prayer for each one. But just when you thought you’re going to end up tripping on one of them, you watch in equal parts horror and confusion when you witness your leg pass through the carcass of a dead monster.

All it takes is a single glance down for you to know that you’re no longer inside Guizhong’s body. Instead, you drift around as an apparition of sorts – arms, legs, and torso appearing less saturated than usual. It’s like you’ve become a transparent cut-out, and you give yourself a minute to think about what the hell was going on. This has never happened in your previous feedings. You’ve always been able to maintain your form, despite the numerous instances you’ve hopped in between dreamscapes. 

In the distance, however, you find the answer to all of your questions.

You spot them amidst the debris left behind by the battle. Rex Lapis kneels at the side of the most beautiful woman you’ve seen in your life – cradling her frail body in his arms as golden tears flowed forth from his eyes. It’s the first time he’s surrendered the unmovable visage you’ve gotten so used to seeing in this dream. Gone is the unfeeling, uncaring God of Contracts who felled his own enemies like it was as easy as breathing. In his place is a man who only wanted to live with the person he adored the most.

Guizhong’s pale skin is overrun by dark lacerations that look like black veins rooted into the surface. Her own eyes glisten with tears as she reaches up to cradle Zhongli’s face. She says something that you don’t hear over the wind howling in your ears, but you don’t let yourself remain stagnant for a second longer. 

You run straight to them with what little strength you can muster – intent on shaking Guizhong by the shoulders to scream, “No! This isn’t how things were supposed to be! You were supposed to live. I was supposed to save you!”

But none of these messages get across to either of the two. To them, you’re nothing but the breeze on their skin – violently whipping all around as the war only worsened. There aren’t any clear winners here, this is becoming clear to you. But as the God of Dust heaves her final breath, you hear Guizhong speak for the last time.

“Thank you… For honoring our contract,” she sighs, blood dribbling down the sides of her mouth as she forces herself to smile. In her hand, she lifts up a stone dumbbell with a complicated structure – something you’ve never seen before despite all the time you spent in her body.

“This is the mark of our pledge, and it is also my challenge to you.” Guizhong hands it to him shakily, still careful despite being on death’s doorstep. “All my wisdom is contained inside. If you can unlock it –”

She never gets to finish the words. A loud clap of thunder booms across the marsh – deafening even when you don’t have the body in this dream to perceive the sensation. Zhongli makes a mistake of letting the noise distract him, because when he glances at Guizhong once more, the woman he loves has already crumbled in his arms. 

Once the dust settles over the war-torn battlefield, Rex Lapis rises back to his feet. You can see the weight of his grief in the way his golden hands tremble at his sides. But just as quickly as his lover’s passing, he summons his polearm back in his hands – thrusting the hilt into the ground hard enough to break through the barren soil. The God of Contracts lets out a monstrous shout – terror rooting itself into your being. The sound is fearsome. Inescapable. 

And with a single twist of his hand, the earth starts to shake beneath your feet.

Xingqiu arrives at Hu Tao’s quarters faster than she anticipated, blue eyes startled to see the two bodies resting on top of her bed. The director pays his reaction no mind, though. Instead, she fills him in on the situation.

“I had my guards carry these two up here,” she explains, pointing a finger interchangeably at you and Zhongli. “That guy, I drugged to put him to sleep so she can get inside his dreams for sustenance. But it’s been about three hours, and neither of them are waking up.”

“What? She still hasn’t fed?” The incubus asks incredulously. “It’s been almost a month since I last saw her. Back then, she was already starving. Don’t tell me she’s been holding out all this time.”

“You’d be surprised at the lengths that stubbornness can take a person,” Hu Tao chuckles, leaning back into her seat as she twists some of the rings on her fingers. 

Xingqiu lets out a long, exasperated exhale as he sits by the bed – watching you and your so-called boyfriend doze soundly next to the other. But your deathly pale complexion doesn’t escape his notice. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve assumed you were dead.

“While I am very concerned about my friend’s destructive behavior,” he begins, casting a sidelong glance at the Wangsheng director. “I’m more curious about why you’re helping them in the first place. It’s not like you to meddle in things that are none of your business to begin with. And yet…”

Hu Tao sighs. She’s been hanging around this demon boy from the Guhua clan for too long. He can already discern what’s normal and unusual for her behavior, and she isn’t really a fan of being perceived like that.

But unwittingly, his words got her thinking.

“Remember how you pulled me out of the in-between when I tried to reach out to Grandfather in the afterlife? I nearly died because of it,” she sighs, remembering her past experiences with meddling none-too-fondly. “I can’t just stand here and watch my subordinate slowly kill herself the same way when I know someone who can help.”

Xingqiu sighs again. “Director, I’m an incubus, not a miracle worker. Us crossing paths at the in-between was nothing but a coincidence… But then again, that’s the same way I met her back then, too.” He casts your ghastly form a wistful glance. If he’d known that divulging information about your lover’s past memories would lead to this, he never would’ve said a word. 

“I need you to fetch both of them before they get trapped in their own dreams. I’ll fork over whatever amount you like,” Hu Tao proposes, her usually playful demeanor now replaced by something more grim. “Just – please. Save them.”

“...That’s a really tall order, you know?” The incubus shakes his head in disbelief. “The in-between is the last place I’d want to hang around, but this woman is my friend, too. You don’t have to cough up any –”

To both their surprise (and relief), Zhongli seizes up on the bed, sitting upright as he gasps for breath. Hu Tao uncharacteristically scrambles to hand him a glass of water, which he empties in the span of five seconds. But even if the sight of your boyfriend rousing himself from the dream is a good thing, Xingqiu notices how you’re yet to follow suit.

It seems that Zhongli followed his line of sight as well, and both him and Hu Tao can practically hear the sound of his heart plummeting straight to his stomach at the sight of you. 

“No,” he murmurs, a shaky hand reaching up to caress your face. “Not again…”

Again?

“Xingqiu, change of plans,” Hu Tao calls out softly as she meets his eyes. She doesn’t even need to elaborate further for him to understand. 

“What plan are you talking about?” Zhongli interrupts with a hard frown. “What did you do to her?”

“Oi, consultant. Don’t go accusing the people that are trying to help,” Hu Tao snarks, shooting him a dirty look. “We’re running out of time, so I’m going to give you the abridged version. Your girlfriend? She’s trapped in some place called the in-between. It’s the space that separates dreams from reality; the afterlife from the human realm.”

“But if she’s really trapped in your dream, she should’ve woken up at the same time you did,” Xingqiu adds. “That’s why I’m assuming she wandered too far and got herself stranded in your memories instead.”

“...My memories?” 

The director nods. “Yup. And unless she finds the key in her own subconscious and escapes on her own or someone else enters the same dreamscape and helps her…”

“She’ll be trapped in there forever.”

Both director and incubus stare at the poor man expectantly, wondering how he’ll take the information they just dumped on him. Xingqiu wouldn’t be surprised to see him call them a bunch of lunatics before contacting the authorities for the unsightly method Hu Tao employed just to get him to sleep. But Zhongli is strangely composed, nodding once, twice before turning to his half-dead lover.

“Tell me what I need to do,” he says quietly. In turn, Xingqiu breathes out another sigh in relief as Hu Tao claps her hands together gleefully.

“That’s the spirit, consultant!” The director beams. “Now let’s save your girlfriend, yeah?”

You didn’t want any of this.

The sounds of a never-ending battle rages on outside – the impact of gods fighting to the death causing your temporary shelter to quake where you hide yourself away. The cave you took refuge in resembles the one you woke up in the first time you attempted to feed on Zhongli, but you don’t bother making comparisons. Not that it matters. You’re nothing but a ghost anyways – unable to go back from whence you came, and unable to go to the next place you’re supposed to be.

Still, you didn’t want to bear witness to Zhongli slaughtering hundreds in mere seconds. You’ve seen him fight before – he’s always fought valiantly in this war especially when Guizhong was by his side. But now that she’s gone, the God of Contracts is nothing but a husk of a man.

All that’s left is a bloodthirsty killing machine that intends to paint the land in the angry red of his grief.

Despite how hopeless your situation is, you can’t help but pray to whoever’s listening. You want them to remind Rex Lapis of the dream he once shared with Guizhong – to build a nation by the harbor, where no gods nor monsters can hope to harm the Guili Assembly. But as long as he continues his onslaught of carnage, that dream will never be realized.

Then, you think about the Zhongli that’s waiting for you back home.

Regret is the first emotion that occurs in your ephemeral form. You wish you could have apologized for that night – for assuming that he still isn’t over his dead ex-lover. For attempting to alter memories that aren’t truly his own for the sake of your own ego. 

For never saying how much you loved him before disappearing for good. 

If only you communicated with him normally like a proper girlfriend should. If only you didn’t assume the worst about him just because he once loved someone more than he loved you sometime ago. 

You’ve heard of incidents where succubi and incubi aren’t able to wake up from their feedings. It’s either they’re trapped in an unstable human’s dream or trapped in their own because of internal instability. You don’t know exactly how to classify your situation, but you suppose that the reason why you can’t wake yourself up is because of Guizhong.

She became your vessel in these memories during your first successful feeding. And since then, you’ve used her body to traverse the strange land that she and Rex Lapis supposedly hold dominion over. But regardless of how careful you were with Guizhong, she still died. There was nothing you could do to change something that was already set in stone, and instead you lost your way back to where you truly belonged.

For someone who claims to hate her own heritage as a succubus, this just goes to show how much you actually relied on your powers.

Gods. This fucking sucks.

You can only imagine how devastated Zhongli would feel to find your lifeless body in the real world – clutching you to his chest the same way Rex did with Guizhong. Two girlfriends dying on him in the span of six years. You wonder if he’ll ever love again.

…If Zhongli was in your place, he would have spoken to you the moment he felt uneasy about your past. He would’ve asked for some reassurance so he wouldn’t have to worry like this. 

He never would’ve tried to change you.

He would’ve told you that he trusted you.  

You miss him so much that it tears you from the inside out. If only you can see him again – see that beautiful smile again – you’d hold him tight and tell him a million times. 

You’d tell him you were a coward. That you were too afraid of splitting his affections with a woman who doesn’t even exist anymore. 

But…it’s too late for all that now, isn’t it? 

Helplessly, you pull up your barely-there knees to your chest, burying your face in between as you make yourself smaller. You want to cry yourself hoarse, but the tears never come. All you can do is sit alone in the darkness, where you can only dream of someone finding you in the middle of the chaos.

You’re too caught up in your own sorrow to discern the beam of light that splinters through the darkness. You don’t notice the man that steps into the in-between with you; don’t notice as he approaches. It’s only when you feel the familiar sensation of a large, comforting hand on your shoulder that you snap out of your misery.

“There you are,” Zhongli – your Zhongli – breathes out. 

When you finally wake up, you feel like someone brought you back from the dead.

You can barely breathe without it feeling like the oxygen is ripping your lungs to shreds. But before you can asphyxiate yourself, a familiar figure hands you a glass of water, along with a handful of dried leaves. You glance up at Hu Tao in confusion as she stares at you nonchalantly. 

“You were in the in-between for gods-know how long,” the director reminds you. “Go chew on those to recover.”

“...I was what?”

“You were as good as dead.” The sound of Xingqiu’s familiar voice makes you jump, but the incubus simply turns the page on his novel from where he’s seated by the foot of the unfamiliar bed. “I’ve heard of succubi going a few weeks without food, but two months? Do you have a death wish?”

Your head is spinning from all the whiplash, and you actually take Hu Tao’s advice and drink some water before chewing on her magic leaves. But when you notice that there’s someone else occupying the mattress with you, your heart soars with relief.

“Hello,” Zhongli greets you.

“Hi,” you greet him back.

In your peripheral, you can see Hu Tao mouthing something you can’t decipher to Xingqiu – a message that your incubus friend is quick to pick up on before the two of them step out of the room to give you more privacy. Now that you noticed it, you were probably taken up to the director’s quarters at some point during your coma. Either way, once the door clicks shut, it’s just you and Zhongli – the first time you’ve been alone with him since that night in your apartment.

“I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, isn’t it?” you say nervously, unsure where you should even begin. But you suppose an apology is a good starting point. “I’m…sorry. For everything.”

Zhongli sighs, sitting up right to pull you in a tight hug. The abruptness of the gesture makes you drop the leaves on the bed, stunning you into complete silence.

“I thought I lost you,” he nearly chokes – a sound that you never would’ve imagined Zhongli making. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

The pure anguish in his voice makes your heart clench, and now that you have a body that actually lets you feel things, you’re finally given the familiar sensation of eyes stinging with tears. You return Zhongli’s embrace with equal fervor – letting yourself sob into the hollow of his neck.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you babble, chest seizing with tremors as you curl your fingers into his hair. “I never should’ve hidden the truth about me. I never should’ve meddled with the past. And… I never should’ve questioned the way you feel about me.”

You can feel Zhongli’s erratic pulse against your chest, and you find the fact that it’s possible for his heart to race a relief to know. When he pulls away, his cheeks are wet with tears – not the golden liquid that poured from Rex Lapis’ eyes, but the very same tears that you’re crying right this second.

This is your Zhongli. This is the man you fell in love with. 

You wonder why you even tried to change a past he experienced in a different life – knowing full well just how different he is from the God of Contracts.

“I love you,” you murmur, pressing your forehead against his. “Zhongli, I love you.” 

“And as I do you,” he breathes. “The director and the Guhua boy have already informed me of your…special circumstances, but I’d like to hear the tale of your escapades in my dreams some other time.”

You pause. “So you don’t want me to explain why I did everything I did?”

“Of course I do.” Zhongli shakes his head. “But…I was also told that you’ve been depriving yourself of sustenance for nearly two months now. As your lover, I’m inclined to help you out of your predicaments, yes?”

Oh. Oh.

“B-But we’re in the director’s room…” you tell him bashfully, feeling a surge of heat creep up your neck. “And I owe you a proper explanation for –”

He promptly shuts you up with a kiss. The nerve of this guy!

“Darling, will you allow me to make love to you?” he murmurs the words against your lips, already pulling you to his lap. “Properly this time.”

You know you should snap him out of it and insist that you’re fine. That you’ll last another day without sex if that means you can sufficiently explain yourself because Zhongli deserves as much. But you remember, at that moment, that you’re particularly weak when he starts to trail featherlight kisses along your neck. Zhongli knows this as well as you do, and you can feel him smile triumphantly when you let out a sigh in defeat. 

He doesn’t bother removing your clothes; practically tearing a hole into your pantyhose at his impatience. You balk at him for doing such a thing, but Zhongli promises to buy you another set once everything is settled. 

“Do you find it strange that I’m terribly aroused despite everything that happened?” he asks you, hauling his cock out of his unzipped trousers as he gives it a few pumps. 

“Not at all,” you respond in kind. “I’ve always thought you were hornier than you seemed. It’s always the prim and proper ones, you know?”

You bite your lip as you grind your clothed cunt against his hardening length, feeling your desire pool in between your thighs at the mere thought of him inside you. Zhongli bites down his laughter, nuzzling the crook of your neck as he spreads you open on his lap.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Nudging your underwear aside, you sink yourself onto his thick length with a blissful sigh – feeling his cockhead hitting all the right spots. Zhongli plants his palms firmly on your hips, barely able to contain the hunger in his eyes as he watches you bounce on top of his dick. Your skirt hikes further up your thighs with each downward plunge, and your lover cares to swallow your moans with an open-mouthed kiss.

You all but muffle a scream into his lips when you feel Zhongli thrusting his hips up to meet the cadence of your movements. Tears catch in the lines of your lashes from how good it feels, and you nearly come right then and there when he pulls away to whisper in your ear.

“I’m going to fill you to the brim,” he promises. “My seed will drip down your thighs from here on out so you’ll never forget where you belong.”

“By your side?” you whisper, purposely clenching your walls around his length to elicit a reaction.

Zhongli grunts in approval, much to your amusement. “By my side.” 

He switches things up at the last minute, flipping you over so that you’re lying down on the bed. You open your mouth to protest, but Zhongli is already pressing your knees against your thighs – plunging his cock into the velvet heat of your cunt as he hits it deeper than before. 

“I’d gladly fuck you everyday if that means you’ll never starve again,” your lover tells you with a growl, golden irises boring deep into your own. “Would you like that? Would you like me to sate your needs?”

“Yes,” you mewl as your fingers rake across his back. “Yes, yes yes! I only want you, Zhongli. Please –”

Your climax blindsides you out of nowhere, cunt squeezing around his cock impossibly tight. You screw your eyes shut, burying your face in his shoulder as your body shudders and trembles from the force of it. Zhongli, however, is intent on taking advantage of your vulnerable state. He doesn’t relent – just continues pounding you into the bed as he chases his own high.

“You’re the only one I love,” he tells you all of a sudden, momentarily pulling you out of your lustful haze. “You might not be the first, but you’ll certainly be the last.”

“Stop saying cheesy things while you’re fucking my brains out,” you moan. “You’re going to make me cry…”

“Heh, that’s the point.”

As promised, Zhongli finishes inside you with a shuddering sigh – and you feel the surge of his hot seed painting your insides. You’ve never felt so satisfied after having real sex with a real human, but when you’re actually in love with the person you’re sleeping with, you suppose there’s lots of room for exceptions.

“So why were you chasing ghosts that don’t even haunt me anymore?” 

You finish the rest of the water that Hu Tao offered earlier when Zhongli asks you the million-dollar question. Your heart twists with both guilt and apprehension, but you know that this is the best time to lay the truth on the table. 

“I was…bothered when you called me by the thing that Rex Lapis called Guizhong the goddess in your dreams,” you admit. “I thought you were thinking about Guizhong your ex while you were with me.”

Zhongli nods as he fixes his own clothes, an unreadable look settling on his face. “Rex Lapis…is the identity I had in a past life, isn’t it? And Guizhong was his lover.” 

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t explain why you tried to alter my memories, though,” he points out.

“Well, I thought if I could lessen the pain of your memories of Guizhong, you’d stop thinking about her and start thinking about me.” Gods, you sound like such a fucking brat. “That – That was really childish of me. I’m sorry. I even got the director and Xingqiu involved because of my own impulsiveness…”

“If you look at it that way then, yes. It is very childish of you. But I think that just goes to show how deeply you feel about me,” Zhongli suggests with a handsome smile, reaching out to hold your hand in his. “You want me to look at you, and only you?” 

“Of course I do,” you mumble. “You want me to do the same for you, right? I’m just trying to make things even…”

Your lover lets out another laugh, raising your hand to his lips as he places a soft kiss on your skin. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to Zhongli’s show of affection.

“Guizhong…is a person who’s near and dear to me even now,” he says, going off a tangent as he rubs comforting circles into your wrist. “But do you know the last thing she told me before she passed?” 

You shake your head. “What?”

“That I shouldn’t chain myself to the past, no matter how painful it is to carry on,” Zhongli continues. “My life here is much simpler than the life Rex Lapis lived. I have no idea what you saw in my – rather, his memories to make you assume that the same applies for me. But I assure you that I’m not a man who’ll punish himself by constantly mulling over what-ifs and could-have-beens.

“All that matters is the present, and what I choose to do now, while you’re still by my side.”

…Damn it. You’re feeling the waterworks again.

“What did I do to deserve you?” you whisper, squeezing his hand just to make sure he was real.

“That, I’m afraid I can’t answer,” he chuckles. “But, on the topic of your immeasurable love, the Guhua boy imparted another interesting piece of information before lending me his powers to save you.”

“...Wait, I’ve been wondering how you got inside the in-between,” you tell him. “So it was Xingqiu? How the hell did he do that?”

“Darling, please refrain from asking questions I don’t have answers to.”

“Fine, fine. What did he say that was so interesting then?”

Zhongli laughs, and something about the shift in his tone makes you narrow your eyes in suspicion. “Director Hu said you tried to harvest energy from other men while you were on the brink of death but it didn’t work. Xingqiu informed us that when your kind starts to feel strongly about a certain human, you won’t be able to harness energy anywhere else apart from that person.”

“...Why do I feel like you’re just gloating now?”

“That’s because I am.”

The sound of the door sliding abruptly catches your attention. Hu Tao emerges from the entrance as she claps her hands loudly. “Alright, that’s enough lovey-dovey chit-chat. I’m going to have the maids launder my sheets first before I sleep in them tonight!”

Your face flushes with embarrassment. “Director Hu Tao, I –”

“Aiya! No apologies. It’s all good,” she insists. “But hey, consultaaant~ Now that I let you and your girlfriend have reunion sex in my quarters, you’re not going to press any charges for assault, will you?”

“Wait, what charges?” Your gaze darts between the two of them curiously.

Zhongli drags a palm over his face, as if having just realized something terrible. “In order to help you get into my dreams, the director laced my tea with a potent drug. I was unconscious for quite some time. But I won’t press any charges, since I have little patience for the tedium of the Liyue Police Station.”

“Aww, you’re the best!” Hu Tao gushes before turning to you. “By the way, Xingqiu already went ahead, but he asked me to give you this.” 

You blink as Hu Tao hands you a sleek black business card with the words “Dr. Paimon” printed with embossed lettering. Zhongli peers over your shoulder, examining the card with the same degree of curiosity.

“He didn’t really elaborate, but rumor has it, that person can turn you into a normal human,” the director explains, smiling with intent. “I figured that since you’re probably gonna want to spend the rest of your life with the old man, you’d want to give up your immortality.”

Immortality… A staple that comes with being a succubus. It’s one of the most fundamental reasons why your kind fed on sexual energy in the first place, yet you never stopped to think of your future if you stayed immortal, while Zhongli continues to age with the passage of time. 

You won’t be able to start a family with him; have his children; grow old with him. Because that’s the fate that your kind has long been cursed with since they first walked the earth. But now, you’re given a way out – even if it sounds too good to be true.

You’re afraid to look at Zhongli. You feel like you should accept the offer, but everything that transpired today is just so overwhelming that you’re not sure if you can make the right choice…

But as always, he’s here to support you.

“You don’t have to make a decision now,” he reminds. “We still have work tomorrow, so I suggest we head home and rest first. I’m sure that can wait.”

…Being thrust back into the nightmare that is the Liyuen corporate ladder after nearly dying in the in-between. Way to maintain a sense of normalcy, Zhongli. 

Well, ‘normal’ is the best thing that the universe can give to you right now. Too bad you’re not selfless enough to deny the one thing you’ve been craving after all this time.

“Miss? Here’s the tea you asked for.”

Ganyu’s voice flits through your ears like a calming breeze. She places your drink on your desk – just behind a plaque that reads Wangsheng Corporation - Consultant. The scent of freshly brewed qingxin petals wafts to your nose and you feel every nerve ending in your body relax at the more aroma.

“Thank you,” you tell her kindly. “You’re right. This tea really does work miracles.”

Your secretary hides a giggle behind her hand. “Both Lady Ningguang and Mister Zhongli became fond of it when I started working for them. I figured it would be the same with you.”

The golden band on your finger seems to glint in the sunlight streaming into your office as you take a few sips. You used to think that tea was nothing but leaf water, but if you have someone like Zhongli for a husband, you’re bound to start appreciating the finer things in life – Ganyu’s herbal remedy included.

“Oh, that reminds me,” she perks up. “Is the director coming back soon? I heard that four months is already a good time to check for the gender.”

You’re a bit surprised by her words, but Ganyu has always exhibited her excitement for the budding life in your womb the moment you made the announcement a few months back. 

“Zhongli’s secretary told me he should be home by the end of the week,” you tell her kindly, free hand instinctively going to the slight swell of your belly. “Once we figure out whether it’s a boy or a girl, I promise you’re the first person we’ll inform.”

She gasps. “You really mean that, miss?”

“Why not? You’re the godmother after all~”

Once Ganyu recovers from the initial shock from being assigned as your child’s godmother, you’re left to your lonesome once more. 

It’s been six months since Hu Tao stepped down as the director for Wangsheng Corporation – passing the title onto Zhongli – and six months since you’ve held office as the company’s new consultant. At times, you still find it strange, how you’re the one giving advice with regards to your husband’s dealings with other businesses. But you remind yourself that everything happens all in due time. 

Your old life as a succubus is way behind you now, but there are moments where you still think of what happened to Rex Lapis after Guizhong’s death. Did he get killed by the other gods? Did he lead the Guili Assembly to the harbor? What happened to the stone dumbbell Guizhong gave to him? You’ll never know now that you’ve lost the ability to travel through dreams. 

But in the back of your head, you hoped he was able to find some sort of deliverance from the pain induced by his lover’s passing.

In the midst of your contemplation, your phone buzzes with a text – one that you’re quick to open.

Zhongli [10:54]: I’m boarding the plane at Fontaine National Airport right now. Should be back by tonight :)

Huh. That was earlier than expected.

Me [10:54] We’ll be waiting with a nice bottle of osmanthus ^__^

Zhongli [10:55]: Darling, please. Drinking is bad for the baby

Me [10:55]: One glass won’t cause genetic disorders, Zhongli.

Zhongli [10:56]: Very well… I’ll still make sure to watch your consumption though.

Me [10:56]: Fine by me <3 Take care on the way back. I love you.

Zhongli [11:15]: Sorry, just got past a checkpoint. I love you, too.

You put away your phone with a sigh, tracing the rim of your teacup absentmindedly. For good measure, you pinch your cheek the same way Hu Tao used to do when she was still in charge – just to make sure you’re not dreaming. 

But the baby is intent on helping you out with that when you feel it kick a bit too hard against your navel.

“Okay, point taken,” you mumble. 

A year ago, you wouldn’t have pictured yourself carrying a human child – much more picturing yourself as a human. But you learned that time is kind to those who wait. It’s just as Zhongli said: regardless of everything that happened in the past, what’s important is what you do now in the present. 

And to you, that’s all that matters. 

★ MASTERLIST . AO3 ★

© cryoculus | kaientai ✧ all rights reserved. do not repost or translate my work on other platforms without permission.

[soulofapatrick]

You Won’t Leave? - Joel Miller x reader

Summary: Y/N has had a fever the last few days but you’re too stubborn to let Joel or Ellie know because you don’t want Joel to leave as it brings up past abandonments

Words: 1.2k

Warnings: fainting; watching someone kill themselves due to being infected

Y/N’s POV

My head pounds with every step, nose feeling clogged and body aching. I’m sick. Like flu sick but that can’t stop us from getting Ellie to the fireflies so I’ve just been sucking up and dealing with it, keeping an eye out for any medication wherever we go. The pack on my back felt heavier than ever and it was causing me to fall behind from the pair, Ellie asking Joel as many questions as she can while Joel just grunts or replies with “pass” but it never deters Ellie. 

The weather was getting colder with each passing day which doesn’t help my flu situation on top of the hours Joel wants to walk. He’s always so stoic and uptight, walking with purpose and gun within arms reach if we were to stumble upon any infected. My own gun is in my pack at the moment as I don’t think it’d be wise me shooting with the way Joel and Ellie seem to sometimes multiply in front of me. 

It’s been manageable until today, I woke with almost no vision which meant I had to pretend to still be asleep for another half an hour before the stars decided to stop spinning around me. Even then all my movements were slow but Joel or Ellie didn’t seem to notice, probably thinking I was just still waking up and I just let them believe that. I still had the thermos of coffee Joel handed to me, it’s currently gripped tight in my shaky hands, as my body feels so hot and clammy and I’m sweating despite the cold air. It’s taking everything for me to not strip all my warm layers off as it might be instant relief it’ll just make me iller and I’ll be fine once I break the fever which I should do today. 

I manage to struggle forwards for another hour before I have to stop and take a sip of my coffee, hoping the caffeine will help me continue on but when I lower the thermos I realise there are four of Joel and Ellie talking to each other as they wait for me. I open my mouth to speak but nothing happens as I suddenly feel like I’m walking on air, the multitudes of my companions going fuzzy, “Joel.” 

------

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Elliott, my older brother, has his sleeve rolled up to reveal the distinct bite mark adorning his pale skin, he’s got tears in his amber eyes and his bottom lip is wobbling as he speaks, “It’s up to you to keep them safe now.”

“What?” My own tears burn behind me eyes as I look up at the person who had become my hero along with my older brother, “I’m ten.” 

He’s crouching so he’s eye level and pulls me into a hug, I can feel the slight shaking in his hands beginning already against my back, “I know it’s not fair but I don’t… I can’t stay or I’ll hurt you.” 

The pain in his voice forces an ache in my chest as he lets me go, gripping his sleeve like a lifeline as he’s right: it’s not fucking fair. I’m ten! I should be running around and playing house or football with my friends instead of watching my fifteen year old brother yank himself out of my grip and turn away from me to grab his gun or have to watch over my 2 year old younger brother. 

Elliott stays facing away from me, across the room now and before I can even move my shaking legs towards him theres an ear splitting pop and Elliott just crumples like a puppet with their strings cut. I’m splattered in wet matter and my heart is pounding, I can’t move or blink as I watch his face drain from it’s normal colour to a grey one right in front of me. I begin to wipe my hands at the mess on me, wanting to get it all off me as my chest tightens and I feel like I’m going throw up. 

--------

“Y/N!” Joel’s panicked gruff voice drags me back to the land of the living, my head still pounding and my body still aching but my cheeks are now wet. I groan in pain, bringing a hand to my cheeks to realise I’m crying. I’ve been crying while passed out… what the fuck happened?

“Oh thank god,” Ellie’s grabbing my other hand tightly in hers and my surrounding start coming back to me. The sky is dark now which means I’ve been out for a while and I’m laying on top of a sleeping bag with a blanket placed over me, “You scared us shitless.” 

“‘M okay.” I go to pull myself up despite the way Joel and Ellie spin above me where they’re both leant over me but Joel’s large hand presses against my chest and pushed me back down. I make a sound of protest, “We’re losing time.” But Joel’s stern look has me closing my mouth. 

“Right, now that you’re awake I’m going to run to the town about six miles from here and were I can buy the medication you need from a smuggler.” He tells me, and all I can hear is that he’s going to leave me. I’m going to be left alone to look after someone younger than me again and it has my chest tightening in the beginning of a panic attack. I’m shaking Ellie’s hand out of mine and gripping Joel’s arm with both, not caring if I seems so pathetic right now. I am not getting left behind again. I’m too young for this. 

Joel’s honey eyes soften as he sees the panic written across my face, sighing softly and he’s shuffling until he’s laying next to me, so close his nose is bumping my cheek. Ellie’s quick to join us, wriggling under my arm and resting her head on my chest. I just hold onto them both as Joel mumbles quiet promises to me, “I’m not leaving. We’re both right here. It’s okay darling.” 

“Please don’t leave me,” I’m crying, “I’m… I’m not ready, I’m too young.” 

“Hey, hey, Y/N,” Joel’s cupping my cheek, forcing me to look at him, his nose cold against mine, “It’s me, I’m right here. It’s Joel and Ellie. Come back to us darling.” 

Joel. Soft and warm lips press against mine that have me letting my eyes slip shut, breathing in everything Joel. The mixture of woodsmoke; burnt coffee and citrus dragging my heartbeat back to an acceptable pace while Ellie’s got her arms wrapped around me, “We’re both here. Get some rest, you need it darling.” 

“You’ll be here when I wake?” 

“Of course we will sweetheart.” 

“Can’t get rid of us that easily.” 

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hi!! Sorry to bother you but i just want to feel like im not sick and wanted to share my thoughts with someone that wont judge me

But i feel really bad, i really feel like there’s something wrong with me i don’t like sex and every time i had sex before has been bc i was supposed to do it, i forced my self to lose my virginity bc i felt like it was about time and i was too old for keep being a virgin. Also i thought “well, maybe if i do it i’ll start liking it like everybody says” but i didn’t, i didn’t like it but i thought again “oh well, it’s the first time (im a ciswoman)they say it always hurts the first time, maybe the more i do it i’ll start liking eventually” but again, i didn’t, i had sex with different people that i felt attracted to and it ALWAYS HURTED, also every time i had to be with at least a little alcohol in my system, so actually i have never had sex being 100% sober.

Now i’m in a relationship but I don’t even like kisses and it sucks bc i really love my boyfriend, he knows about this but i kinda feel like even if he is very supportive about it and says he still wants to be with me, I think there’s this little part of him that wishes that one day i’ll change and we can have sex.

I feel bad bc is it ok to call him my boyfriend and not just a close friend? Im i even allowed to love? Do i have to force my self to do something I don’t really want to or enjoy to be loved? Am i worthy of being loved?

I'm so sorry. As a thirtysomething that had the privilege to afford never to have sex, and who doesn't plan to change that any time, soon, I can tell you from my own experience that yes, not wanting it is valid, and no one should blame you for it. No one should blame you for forcing yourself to try it (because damn the societal pressure is so real), and for never liking it either. I'm so sorry you've been so invalidated just for wanting to live as you are for so long.

Seems to me that what you have right now is something you've always deserved and it's tragic that you didn't get it any earlier, but it's such a relief you have it now. Of course it's OK to call him your boyfriend. As much as our closed-minded, stuck-in-its-own-way, can't-see-past-its-own-nose society would try to lead you to believe, you don't have to have or want sex with someone to love them, that's not a mandatory condition at all. Of course you're allowed to love and worthy of being loved. And no, you don't have to force yourself to do something you don't want to or enjoy to be loved. That applies not only to sex but to so many other things. You don't have to force yourself to do anything to be worthy of love.

It's idealistic thinking maybe, but I always think communication is incredibly important between two people, so I'd personally recommend (although take for that what you will, you were just sharing feelings here, it's not like you came into this inbox to be told what to do and it's kinda pretentious on my part to write this in the first place) to share those fears with your boyfriend, emphasizing, if you need to, that it's not that you don't trust him or don't love him, it's that with the struggles you've had to go through for so long as an asexual person, it's hard for you not to be scared of such things even if things are going great. Of course I don't know your boyfriend, but if you have the feeling he's supportive, I want to believe that he'll be there to reassure you and keep supporting you.

And heck, if it winds up being a disappointment and he actually did have sexual ulterior motives he can't do without... That's on him, not on you. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting sex. You have every right to enjoy loving someone and being with someone on your own terms. I'm fortunate enough to do so myself, at the moment (granted, in a queer platonic relationship so it's a bit different, but still), so I know first-hand it's possible. And I sincerely wish you the best. You don't deserve to be doubting yourself, your happiness and your right to happiness so much but I can't blame you for that either. Society can really fuck up an asexual's self-esteem. But fuck that noise. You're so valid as you are.

[jeremiah-fisher]

all my summers

—a the summer i turned pretty fic about first love, first heartbreak, and steven conklin ♡

「chapter two: everything there never was」

SUMMER

When we were kids, and the crevices of my mind still had space for belief in otherworldly creatures, I was convinced my brother was an alien. We would sit on the sofa, him on the big one and me on the chair, and I would imagine his skinny legs turning green when no one was around or his eyes turning black enough to rival the midnight sky. I imagined that when we were all asleep, he would crawl out from under his Power Rangers blanket and slither into the garden so he could call his real alien family and they would take him home for a few hours when the rest of us were none the wiser. All of this, laughably, I perceived to be the explanation for his uncanny ability to stare at a person for ages without blinking. 

Aiden could lock eyes with someone, even a stranger, and keep his gaze pasted on them for as long as he deemed necessary. It was unnerving, off-putting in a way that even his deep rooted desire to leave smelly socks around the house was not. And I don’t think he even realizes he does it. 

This morning, I am the subject of his ruthless gaze as he stares at me from across the room. There is a wide breadth of space between us, but suddenly, under his silent scrutiny, I feel as though I am being squished into the smallest corner known to man. 

His brown eyes scour the length of my face for a minute, and I join him. Within seconds, we become locked in a game of ‘who will give in first.’ Aiden might be very good at his little hobby, but I would not have lived my life as his sister if I did not learn to be just as good. If for no reason apart from the sick satisfaction of watching him lose.

“I can stand here all day, by the way,” I throw out, effectively catching him off guard. My brother blinks, as if falling back down to Earth. “But I don’t think you’d want Uncle C to catch me.”

Aiden sucks in a fast breath and mutters, “Just leave, will you?”

“No. I came here for something and I’m not leaving without it.” I try to sound assertive and demanding, like the commander of an army of vicious soldiers, but I’m sure I end up sounding more like a beggar in downtown New York.

He sticks his hands in the pockets of his black sweatpants and shrugs, completely unaffected by my dilemma. “And I told you last night that I’m not doing it.” 

“But you never said why.”

“I don’t need to tell you why.”

I groan, letting out a fiery breath of rage. Times like these make me wish we could go back to being the sort of siblings who would tackle each other on the floor of the living room for the television remote. Violence solves a lot of problems words cannot. “Can you stop?”

“Stop what?”

“Stop being so… you.” 

He laughs and the sound easily bounces off the walls of the room surrounding us. Aiden is quiet in nature, speaking mostly when spoken to, and keeping to himself as much as possible. The only times I have ever seen him talk more than he needs to are with me or our parents. He has one best friend, and he moved away last December. Now, Aiden spends most of his time here in our uncle’s tattoo shop, earning enough to put together money for his own business someday. 

My brother is the most hardworking seventeen year old I know. Whilst the other guys in his class are enjoying their time going to parties or making out with tourists who only remember Cousins exists during the summers, Aiden is putting together a plan for his future. I want to claim it’s because he has a good head on his shoulders, but I know the truth. Our past reality forced him to mature. It made us all like that. 

That being said, I’m not above a little immaturity to get my way. Especially when it comes to what I want. And what I want right at this moment is a tattoo.

“If you don’t do it, I’ll tell Mom and Dad it was you who broke the–”

Aiden’s eyes pop out and hastily, he interjects with, “Fine, fine. Whatever. Just get on a chair.”

Glee dives into my bloodstream. I practically skip all the way to an open chair, surmounting myself atop it without a single thought about anything else. Aiden walks up to me in slow strides, as if dragging his heels along with each step, and for a moment, I feel bad for forcing him to do this, but then I remember my wrist and I know I have to do this. I have to erase the pain with something. I can’t keep holding onto what will never be again. 

As I sit comfortably against the worn leather of the chair I am propped up against, Aiden snaps a black glove around his left hand then flexes his fingers. They seem to tremble a little, and all the apologies I had previously been reigning in fight against the teeth in my mouth to gain freedom. 

Instead of an apology, though, I grant him a joke. “Come on, big brother. Don’t look so mopey. I’m only asking for a simple tat. Not a tramp stamp.” I raise my brows at him comically, hoping this will pull a laugh out of him. 

Aiden turns to me with an unamused look stretching the expanse of his pale face. He looks like he slept well, but I am ruining all of that by shooting darts at his sanity. “Mom and Dad are gonna kill me.”

I roll my eyes. “Don’t act like you don’t give underage girls tattoos all the time.”

“Yeah, but none of them are my sister.” 

“If it bothers you so much, pretend I’m someone else.” My eyes light up with mischief. “How about Mrs Sandoval from next door?”

His face contorts into an expression which can only amount to disdain. I would know. He showcases it when I’m around. “That’s worse.”

“What? Can’t imagine touching her?” I make my brows do a little wiggle Mom’s really good at, but fail tragically. “I thought guys liked older women.”

“Not that old.”

“So 82 is the cut off then?”

He rolls his eyes but there is a hint of goodnature in there. Finally. “Just shut up and tell me where you want it.”

The delight from only a few short moments ago slowly transforms into discomfort as I turn my wrist over to show him. My empty wrist.

This morning was the first time I had ever taken off the bracelet. For months and months on end, the silver jewelry laid across the top of my wrist and spun the rest of its string around it. At the bottom of it is a heart, half of a heart. It is magnetic, and last summer, it served its purpose almost everyday. Every time our hands touched, our hearts did, too. 

It’s cheesy to think about now, but when I rub the spot where his fingers once touched my skin, I swear I can still feel him in a way that makes him – and the memories of us – linger. I suppose if something lives somewhere long enough, it’s hard to watch it leave.

Back in school, I debated over and over again to take it off. Each time Astoria asked about it, reluctance in her voice; each time it clinked against a glass I picked up; and each time someone asked where I got it. At every part, on every holiday. I wasn’t even spared the thoughts during exam season when all my focus should have been on perfecting my grades. I thought of him then, too. 

But last summer was just that. Last summer. It’s June now, just short of a year since I met him. Maybe I’ll see him around this year. Maybe I won’t. I can’t control that. But what I can do is remove the essence of his touch.

This morning was when I knew. I woke up and I knew it was time. It was time to let go. 

Aiden meets my eyes as I show him the spot where I want new pain in exchange for pain lost. “Here.”

He frowns, and I watch as it blooms on his mouth. My brother is not one to show off his emotions, but around me, he does not hide them either. Besides, he knows as well as Stori does, what this means. He has listened to me cry about it enough times.

“Not there. Pick somewhere else,” he finally says. 

“What?” I sit up a little, the spot between my brows tensing up. “Why? This is where I want it.”

“Where Mom and Dad can clearly see it? Not happening.”

I fall back in a huff. He’s so exasperating. “They’ll never know.”

“How? It’ll be right there on your wrist!”

“If they ask, I’ll tell them it’s temporary.”

“And after it doesn’t wash away?”

I sigh. Despite his own tattoos, the tiny hoop in his nose, and the place where he works, my brother is the biggest goody two shoes rule follower on the planet. “Listen, I’ll make sure they never find out you tattooed me, okay? I’ll say I went someplace else. Come on, I’ll even let you pick the tattoo!”

Aiden gives me a long, forlorn look of disapproval akin to the world’s toughest older brothers. I want to shout at him for being sexist because why does he get to have several tattoos when I can’t even have one? But I know it’s fruitless. He will just say something else to tick me off and we will end up arguing and I’ll be forced to leave our uncle’s shop without what I came here for. 

This time, I try the sympathetic approach. I make my eyes water on command, a gift which gives and gives each and every time, and I force my lips wobble to add that extra bit of flair to my dramatic scene. “Please, Aiden? You’re the only one I trust to do this for me.”

My brother makes a disgruntled sound under his breath but eventually nods. I smile a bit, knowing I need to slow my emotional turnover in order to make it believable. “It’s gonna hurt a bit, though. This spot’s sensitive.” 

“That’s fine.” And it is. I can’t imagine a pain worse than the one I wore after he was gone. “Just make it pretty.”

For the next half an hour, Aiden sits on a rolling stool with a buzzing needle delivering coal coloured ink into the top layer of my skin. It hurts a lot at first, like being scratched by Stori’s cats over and over again. Eventually, as the minutes pass, the pain subsides and I start to get used to it. It’s not enjoyable, but it’s tolerable, and I even fall asleep. Unlike my brother, I had not gotten a good bout of sleep last night. I had stayed up until four a.m. editing a video for today’s TikTok. There was no time to sleep. 

“Okay,” Aiden’s voice suddenly announces, breaking through the barrier of consciousness and unconsciousness, “done.”

I pop one eye open first and ask, “Really?” 

“Yeah, really,” he smiles, nodding down at my wrist. “Take a look before I bandage it up.”

So I do. And it takes my breath away.

I have always known my brother was talented. You can’t really live with someone for most of your life and not know their biggest strengths and weaknesses. And this was – it was Aiden’s biggest strength. His art, and his delivery of it. Everyone in Cousins knows him as his tattoo prodigy and I never quite believed it until now. Until I have seen for myself what he has the talent to do.

I grin up at him. “I could hug you.”

He makes a face. “Please, don’t.”

I lean over and hug him anyway. Or, at least, I attempt to. It hurts to move my hand too much so soon. Aiden helps guide me back down into a comfortable position. I sit there and marvel at his work as he rips open a packet of antibiotic ointment and white gauze. “I really love it.”

Aiden picks up my wrist and starts applying the ointment over his work. “I was thinking you might not like what I picked.”

“I trust you.” He doesn’t say anything to that and I don’t add to it. This is how it’s always been like between us, ever since we met. He was seven and I was six. Our parents had him make a card for me. He used coloured macaroni to decorate its border and in the middle, in his squiggly handwriting, he had used a marker to write, Welcome home! There was a Barbie doll, too. Odette from Swan Lake. I still have it locked away in a box under my bed along with all the things I loved from my childhood, even the t-shirt I arrived at Cousins in. “Let me take a picture before you bandage me up.”

Again, his face blanches. “Don’t tell me – Instagram?”

“Um, yeah,” I retort, giving him a look. I hate that he acts like my job is somehow beneath his.  “My followers need to see.”

“I thought we were gonna hide this from Mom and Dad.”

“They don’t even use instagram. I manage the shop account.”

Aiden shakes his head, pissed off. “But everyone else in Cousins does! And they all follow you!”

I grin just before snapping a photograph with my phone. I open up the Instagram app to start editing it. “Aw, thanks.”

“Summer, I swear–”

“It’s bad to swear.”

“Just get out.”

“Aren’t you gonna bandage me up first?” I hold my wrist out happily. “I don’t want your art to get infected.”

Aiden unravels the gauze with pure ire radiating off of him. I know I’ll have to pay for this sometime later. “You owe me a lifetime of McDonald’s.”

“Sure thing.”

. . . 

The smile on my face is radiant as I push open the door of Crane’s Tattoo Shop and step outside. I’m not too shy to admit it may as well rival the mid-morning Cousins sun. It beats down heavily on my back as I walk towards my car – a pearl coloured 1994 Acura Integra GS-R. Last year, my combined earnings from TikTok and Instagram had made it so that I was able to purchase the car with cash just a few weeks short of my birthday. 

Aiden named her Misty because her shade reminds him of the fog Cousins is infamous for incurring during the autumn months. I have never cared so much about naming things, so I call her Misty, too. 

I have my hand on the door handle when the sound of a little girl screaming “Mama!” jumps into my ears. I turn on my heels to watch a four or five year old rush down the empty sidewalk towards her mother who is waiting for her with a giant smile on her face. Upon impact, the two of them embrace, and then the mother begins to litter kisses all over the girl’s face whilst she giggles. 

For a moment, my mind wrangles my emotions into a diving crossbody and I am swept up in a flurry of memories I laid to rest a long time ago. A time in which choice was stolen from me, and I was given away as if I were an old sweater which didn’t quite fit anymore. 

With a sigh, I curl my hand around the door handle and pull it open with enough force to nearly drag it off its hinges. I start the car and then immediately hit my rap playlist. I need something to drown out the noise in my head as self-pity threatens to overtake me. 

As NF sings, “All these voices in my head get loud, I wish that I could shut them out,” a text flies in on my touch screen stereo. It’s from Astoria, my best friend, asking me to meet for her half hour break. I send her a thumbs-up emoji and switch lanes. In minutes, I’m pulling into the parking lot of Cousins’ largest McDonald’s establishment and shutting my car off. I don’t go in straight away. Partly because I need a moment of silence and mostly because I’m quite certain the tears from my eyes have left mascara streaks down my face.

I lean back against the headrest. I’m not crying any longer but the ache in my chest is fervent as always. I remember a time when I wasn’t like this; when I wasn’t a sad, pitiful person who cried as easily as she does. Ever since Dad was arrested, my life and everything in it had changed. Some things for the worst, and some for the better. The good things were good, but the bad things… they were terrible. I can still remember the look on Mom’s face when she told me she wished she and Dad had chosen differently when I was six. She was so depressed, so broken, in a way I had never seen her look before. 

I touch a hand to my lower abdomen. The scar is still there – faded but present – and every time I see myself in the mirror, I am forced to remember how it got there. What my family had to give up for it to be there. I’m forced to recall all the choices which, again, were taken from me.

When a second text from Astoria calls for my attention, I pull the sun visor down and start cleaning up my face. I dab up the ruined mascara with a wet cloth then apply two new coats to my lashes. Last week, I had gotten eyelash extensions and with all the crying I just did, my eyes now make me look like a forlorn character in a cheesy teen television show. I snap a picture of myself for a future photo dump. No opportunity goes to waste when you have to put food on the table.

Astoria is munching on french fries when I slip into our regular booth in the far back corner of the restaurant. Her eyes never stop scanning the book in front of her, even as she mumbles a quick ‘hi’ to me. I grab a few of her fries and stuff them in my mouth, relishing the salty flavour.

“Why’d you ask me here if you were just going to read?”

“Gimme a sec,” she answers, turning the next page hastily. Her fingernails are painted purple, and there is a small gash across the back of her hand, most assuredly from some accident in the kitchen. “I need to know what happens to Rhen.”

My brows furrow as I deposit another load of fries into my mouth. Say what you will about McDonald’s – their fries are endlessly delicious. Even when I’m supposed to be watching my weight, I know I could eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. “Who’s Rhen?”

Astoria smiles, and it looks a little shy. “The guy in my book.” Her shoulders drop as she releases a dreamy sigh, finally glancing at me over her hardcover. “The prince in my book.”

I point a long french fry at her. It droops pathetically at the end. “When will you stop having feelings for fictional men?”

“As soon as real men live up to them.” Astoria shuts her book and sets it down on the table. Her hands flatten over the top so I can’t make out the title, but I’m sure it’s something long and draining. My best friend is very good at picking books with long titles and even lengthier pages. “Did you just wake up?”

“Nope.” I show her my bandaged wrist. “I was busy.”

Astoria lets out a gasp, loud enough to grab the attention of the kids a few tables over. They don’t look to be older than ten or eleven and they have a set of Pokemon cards laid out on the table. I think they were having a match before we disrupted them. “Your Mom and Dad are going to kill you.”

I chuckle, shaking my head. “You sound just like Aiden.”

Astoria blinks, and curiously, her cheeks fill with colour again. “How’d you manage to get him to agree?”

A grin flies onto my mouth. “I appealed to his sensitive side.” 

“Poor guy.”

“Poor me. It really hurts.” I plaster a pout on my lips and touch the bandage with the tips of my fingers. I can’t remember the last time something hurt as much as getting this tattoo did, but even so, I don’t regret it. I know I couldn’t have survived this summer with an empty wrist. It would be a constant reminder of what was. Now that I have permanent ink in its place, I can rest a little easier. It will never be the bracelet in my pocket, but it’s a start. “He made me promise him a lifetime of McDonald’s.”

“He is here a lot,” Astoria laughs, and there is a tune to it unlike any of her other laughs. My ears perk up with the sound. “He always sits in the corner with his chocolate milkshake and buys strangers food.”

“He buys food for strangers?”

“Yeah. Usually, it’s people who look stressed or sad. He says he likes to make their day a little better.”

I snort. “My brother is such a softie. No wonder you like him.” I don’t mean to throw the suspicion out just like that but now that it’s in the air, I allow it to simmer. 

My best friend chokes on that same air. Her coughing fit grabs the attention of the little boys again, and I chuckle to myself, popping off the cap of her bottled water and handing it to her. She takes two massive gulps before setting it back on the table. She stares at me as if I’ve offended her. “I… I d-don’t–”

I grab another pinch of fries and shovel them in. Around my third chew, I murmur, “Stori, it’s fine. I kind of like the thought of you guys together. You’re both artsy and keep to yourselves most of the time. I can’t promise he’s anything like your book boys, but…” I shrug, smiling genuinely. “What’s better than my two favourite people together?”

Although her cheeks have softened to less reddish hue, Astoria still remains to look frazzled by my mini monologue.

When we first met, we were in kindergarten. It was a week after I had been brought home for the first time. Mom thought it was too early for me to be setting foot inside a school but Dad had other ideas. He thought socialization might be good for me and he was right. If he had not pushed me to go to school, with my Barbie backpack and my refusal to sit still, I may never have met my best friend who was all too willing to lend me her coloured pencils so I could draw a sketch of my new family. Even after I lost her blue pencil, Astoria never got mad. She just said she would get a new one and we could draw pictures together again. 

I expect Astoria to deny my accusation, but instead, she gives me a shy smile. “I thought it would creep you out,” she admits, her voice hesitant. “You hate when Viv flirts with him.”

At the mention of our other best friend, I laugh. “That’s because Viv flirts with any man with a pulse. We’ve established that my brother’s a softie. What if he fell for her and she just messed around with him? I couldn’t forgive that and I don’t want to be put in the position of having to do so.”

Astoria shakes her head a little and picks up some fries, although she does not eat them. Her eyes zero in on the small potato legs as she turns them over and over, as if they were rotisserie chickens. Her qualms are palpable in the hot, greasy air, and I want to say something to squash them but I don’t know what to say. Eventually, she finds her own voice. “It doesn’t matter much. He’s never going to look at me that way.” 

“Why not?”

“You know what kind of girls he likes.”

I think back to his childhood crush: a local girl who played drums in a punk band. I don’t even remember her name anymore but I do remember Aiden saying he would get the guts to ask her out someday. But then her family moved to Wisconsin, and we never saw her again. Back then, I remember wondering if a decent portion of life is simply missed opportunities. 

“That was a long time ago. He’s changed. He could totally have the hots for you now.” I should probably be a bit more prickly in this situation considering the fact that it involves the possible future relationship of my best friend and my brother, but I’m not. If anything, I’m a fair bit excited. I know the two of them could be good for each other and they would make each other happy. “If he comes out here today, you should talk to him.” I nod at her book. “Tell him about your book boy.”

Astoria laughs, and it sounds light; less stressed. “Right, because he’s going to be so interested in knowing what happens to a fairytale prince.”

“Give my brother more credit, Stori. Maybe after one honest conversation, you guys will be planning a future together.” 

“Hold your horses there. You’re moving way too fast.”

I shoot her a grin. “Doesn’t life move really fast?”

“Now you sound philosophical.” 

“I don’t know. I think this tat’s changed me. I feel older somehow.”

Her eyes fall to my wrist where the bandage sits, unmoving and the tiniest bit itchy. “I hope it does what you got it for.”

An unspoken buzz of understanding passes between our eyes, and I find myself feeling thankful for her friendship. No one in the world understands me as well as she does, and I her. I may hate a lot about what happened in my childhood but meeting her is something fate did right. 

I look down at my wrist and whisper, “Yeah. Me, too.”

[monsterfuker3000]

Let’s Get in the Back of Your Cop Car, Officer ♡

You can ask me anything you want, anything, anything <3

More Leon brain rot for you my luvs!

Word count is 1.8k yummy

Warnings: NSFW, mean!dom!(?)Leon, a smidgie of degradation (I think he says ‘whore’), p in v sex, rough sex, unprotected sex (DO NOT DO THAT,) handcuffs, idk dubcon for a sec? Leon checks in w/reader though!! Leon is a big big big meanie in this but I promise it’s only bc he’s soooo frustrated :( he gets softer at the end hehe. RE2 Leon because he is my pookie bear.

There is no way in hell the two of you are meeting quota today. Not when you’re spending your shift practically folded in the back of the squad car with Leon’s cock shoved so deep in you that you could swear it was hitting your lungs.

You’d been paired up with Leon today as an ‘exercise in getting along,’ as the higher-ups put it. Everyone at the station was sick of the back-and-forth between you and Leon. The two of you couldn’t be civil with each other to save your lives. You’d tease him, he’d boil over, you’d tease him for boiling over. It was a vicious cycle.

The two of you had been sent out on patrol on the edge of town to watch for speeding drivers. Everyone hoped a little forced proximity would force the two of you to reconcile your differences.

Good lord, were the two of you reconciling.

You weren’t exactly sure how you’d ended up in the back of the squad car with him; everything that happened from the moment he peeled off into the parking lot of a closed wayside and threw it in park had been fuzzy.

You’d been teasing him of course, talking about how he’d probably never had a girlfriend and you doubted he could make a girl cum even if his life depended on it. He was sick of hearing it. You laid under him in the backseat, unsure where your uniform pants had disappeared to. He was on all fours above you, effectively caging you in with his limbs.

He brought his face close to yours and growled. “I’m so fucking tired of hearing you run your mouth, especially when you have no idea what you’re talking about,” he ground out. He grabbed you by your waist and flipped you over on your stomach as you yelped in surprise. “God, I know it would fucking kill you to be proven wrong, wouldn’t it?”

You turned to look at him over his shoulder as he fought to undo his belt buckle. “What, you gonna fuck me? Think you’re gonna make me cum? I doubt it, Kennedy. We both know you get zero pussy.” He grabbed your hair and wrapped it tightly around his fist, pulling you up to him so he could whisper in your ear.

“I’m going to be the best lay you’ve ever had in your goddamn life.”

He let go of your hair and you landed back on your hands, but he quickly grabbed each of your wrists and cuffed them behind you before dropping you to damn near land right on your face. Did he seriously use his RPD cuffs on you? Your ass was still in the air and you gasped as you heard the sound of fabric tearing as he quite literally ripped your panties off.

“Relax, I’ll buy you some new ones,” he spat. He balled them in his fist and brought them just inches from your face. “I should shove these in your mouth to keep you quiet, but I’d really rather hear you scream when you cum around my cock.” The words went straight to your core and you could just barely see him stuff them in his pocket out of the corner of your eye.

He roughly shoved two fingers into you and curled them, making you cry out. He pumped them in and out at an unforgiving pace, and you could hear just how wet you’d gotten. “You hear that? That’s a much better sound than you constantly running your fucking mouth, hm? Tight little pussy keeps sucking me in, you want my cock?”

You moaned, the pace making you unable to form a coherent sentence. Leon pulled his fingers out and sharply slapped your ass, making you cry out again.

“What, nothing to say now? You run your mouth all fucking day but the second I ask you to answer me, you’ve got nothing to say. What’s that about, hm?” He was seriously pissing you off, now. “And look at this,” he said, dragging his finger through your slick that had pooled out onto the backseat. “You’re literally dripping like some kind of whore. You liked it that much?”

Before you could answer, Leon shoved his fingers in your mouth, making you taste yourself. You whined, doing your best to lick them clean before he pulled them out with a pop. “Now, answer me. You want me to fuck you?”

“Yes, Leon, please fuck me, I want it so bad!” you cried out.

“Aw, but you said I couldn’t ever make a girl cum,” he answered, mock pouting. No, you thought, please don’t stop now. You tried to press your hips back against him, whining when you couldn’t make contact. Fine.

“Please, Leon, please fuck me, I want it so bad, I’ll do anything, I swear!” you whined.

“Alright, baby, I’ll give you what you want,” you could hear the cruel sneer in his voice, even if you still couldn’t see him. You heard the rustle of fabric, assuming he was pushing down his pants and boxers, and you cried out in surprise when you felt the head of his cock run over your clit and catch on it. “Relax, baby, just getting my cock nice and wet for you,” he teased. You desperately wanted to see him.

As if he read your mind, he grabbed the chain connecting your handcuffs and yanked it toward him, pulling you upwards enough that you could turn your head and see what you were working with. Jesus.

“Is. . . Is it going to fit?” you asked. He laughed darkly.

“It’ll fit, darling.”

He pressed the head against your entrance, just a quarter of an inch or so in before pausing. His attitude did a one-eighty as he quietly spoke. “Hey, this okay? You can say no,” he urged. You shook your head almost too enthusiastically while trying to push your hips back into his. The dark smile returned to his face and he straightened. “Good.”

He pushed in, the almost ridiculous amount of slick leaking out of you making it much easier than you expected. He didn’t give you a chance to adjust before he started fucking you in earnest, using the chain between your cuffs to pull you into him with every thrust.

“Fuck, Leon, yes!” you cried. His balls slapped against your clit with every thrust, sending what felt like an electric shock through your body each time. Leon barely registered that you had even spoken, already lost in your pussy.

He grabbed a fistful of your hair again, once again using it to pull your back flush with his chest. He hooked his chin over your shoulder and spoke into your ear again.

“Why, hm?” he asked. You made a sound in the back of your throat that almost sounded like a question; it was all you could muster up. “Why don’t you ever. Shut. The. Fuck. Up?” he questioned, punctuating each word with a thrust so deep it hit your cervix hard, sending a deep ache through your entire abdomen and making you scream. You came, silently thanking God that Leon was holding you up as you gushed around him and down your thighs. You knew if he wasn’t then you would have fallen flat on your face.

He pulled out and you whined at the sudden empty feeling. He flipped you over onto your back, the cuffs now biting into the skin on your wrists and back, but you didn’t care. He entered you again, continuing the breakneck pace he’d set earlier.

“Every time you open that mouth it drives me crazy. You know that? Every time you mouth off at me I want to take my cock and shove it down that pretty throat of yours, that would shut you up,” he muttered. Huh? Where was this coming from?

“I’ve always wanted you so bad,” he continued. “From the first day you came in I wanted you. I’d have done anything for you, anything you asked. I’d walk barefoot across a mile of broken glass for you if that’s what you wanted from me. So why do you have to be so fucking mean?” he almost whined, finishing the sentence with another particularly hard thrust. What on Earth is he talking about? You weren’t sure if he even meant for you to hear this, he seemed almost hypnotized.

“Leon, look-fuck-look at me,” you demanded. He looked up at you, tearing his gaze away from where he’d been looking the whole time; the space where your bodies connected. He didn’t stop thrusting, may God strike him down if he ever did stop.

“Leon I-I tease you because-God-because I li-fuck, so deep-because I like you,” you finally managed to grind out. He paused. The two of you stared at each other for a moment, seeming to make a silent agreement to discuss this later. Leon had other things on his mind right now.

He fucked into you again, still at a grueling pace but now rolling his hips, brushing against your g-spot with every thrust and gripping your hips like he needed you to live.

You were already close, so the new angle made you cum again, practically painting his thighs with your slick, and he knew he wouldn’t last much longer either. He looked at you pleadingly.

“W-where?” he muttered.

“Inside, please,” you whined.

Your pussy was still clenching around him from your orgasm and it sent him over the edge quickly. He spilled inside you, enough that some dripped out onto the seat, deep as he was. He spent a moment catching his breath before pulling out, flinching when you grimaced.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” he questioned, sincere this time. He looked cute with his eyebrows furrowed in concern

You winced as you tried to close your legs. “Just a little s-sore is all,” you replied. Then you laughed. “Some bonding exercise, huh Leon?”

He laughed in return as he searched for something to clean you up with. “I think we’ve got some stuff to discuss,” he said as he found a stray napkin and began gently wiping at your thighs with it.

You took a deep breath as he did so, the napkin just a little too rough. Not much to be done about that. “True, but I’d like for you to uncuff me before we have a heart-to-heart,” you grinned.

Leon’s eyes flew open wide. “Fuck! I’m so sorry, I’d forgotten I’d done that. Give me just a second.” You laid there in the backseat, spacing out as he searched his pockets and his tactical belt. “Uh-oh,” he mumbled.

You tried to sit up. “Uh-oh? What’s ‘uh-oh?’ Uh-oh is literally never good.”

Leon flashed you that signature crooked grin, sheepish this time instead of amused. “I uh. . . I’m having a little trouble locating the key.”

BOY OH BOY THAT WAS SURE FUN

[xnuwax]

Cao Guangyan’s Monthly Report Letter for Pu Yiyong

-----

Yiyong, it’s me your number one friend and here’s your monthly report.

Your Ma's doing well, she's a strong woman. But of course sometimes she seems sad, we often tell her "it'll be alright" even though those words are pointless. I'm trying my best to be there for her, so don't you worry. She's not alone, my Ba & Chuying jie are her drinking buddies now.

Talking about Chuying jie, she’s getting busier. She's working on new cases, ‘real’ human cases fortunately. We still meet often, talk about our daily lives and you. We always talk about you.

My Ba's drinking bar is really popular now. Grandma next door is still his frequent costumer. She's way older than us and healthier than you. Boo you suck Pu Yiyong.

Enough talking about others! I just started working as an intern at the hospital this year. I'm busy, so maybe when you wake up we won't be able to see each other as often as before. But I'll always spare my time for you and you'll always find a way to annoy me right?

I'm not gonna lie though, working is killing me. No one is waiting for me at the bus stop anymore. Well sometimes Chuying jie picks me up but that's different. She's not you. I want you to pick me up, after all you have a lot of free time.

Anyway, I'm having trouble falling asleep. I can still feel your blood on my hands and I have to physically force myself to leave my bed every day.

During boring hours of my internship, memories of our meaningless fight and the thoughts of seeing you when I get home are what keeping me afloat. Also It's silly, when I'm on my break I sometimes visit your manhua web page, hoping that a new chapter will magically appear.

Walking home, my body keep dragging me to yours. I hate opening your bedroom door and seeing you lying there.

Your house no longer feels warm. Maybe because you aren't awake to fill the house with your stupid actions. Strangely, I still spend my time in your room. I've read almost all of your comics, they're great but I still like your work the most. I sometimes fall asleep on the floor of your room, too lazy to go home and my bed feels cold without you curled up next to me.

I know your Ma's sick of seeing me in your room. Believe me, I'm sick of it too. When is it your turn to curl up in my room? FYI, my window is open in case you want to sneak in like you used to.

Ah shit, it's getting late. I have to wake up early tomorrow.

You'll probably get bored reading all this huh? Anyway, the point of this letter is, when will you wake up??

Chuying jie is getting bored of dealing with humans, there are so many ghosts we have to help. Oh and, Director Fang wants his cup back.

Ma's also having a hard time cutting your hair with you lying in bed.

And I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone. I miss being surprised to see you suddenly appear in my room.

A-yi, I’ll buy you delicious foods, so promise me you'll wake up soon okay?

-------------------------------------------------

From ‘Oh No! Here Comes Trouble’ universe

-Nuwa 180424-

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 197 Rundown

The Witch from Mercury: It’s the finale and ho boy is it a humdinger. In the aftermath of Starkiller Base firing at the Death Star the Aerial’s nearly destroyed and Suletta basically passes out in the cockpit of her suit from Gundam Soul-Sucking Sickness. Miorine’s group is captured by Prospera’s forces even though they literally have their boss at gunpoint and told to give them back Aerial so they can re-activate the plant (I mean it was at full power when the sun laser hit it and Eri barely survived so idk what you think another try is gonna do) Miorine just says “Oh don’t worry, Suletta’s a shonen-style protagonist, she’ll come to protect her family damn the costs any minute now” which is kind of a marvelous bit of character knowledge on her part. Prospera wants Suletta to plug Eri back up and Suletta actually disobeys her mother for the first time, not wanting two superweapons to duke it out and end up losing her whole family, even if Prospera admits she’ll lose control of her legs soon and was planning to die here anyway. Miorine makes one last big speech since that’s kind of her thing and announces that she’s dissolving the group and going with Shaddiq’s idea to give everything to Earth and let the individual companies basically run themselves, meaning Quiet Zero no longer has a shadowy pseudo-government behind it and Shaddiq takes the wrap for all the terrorism. Too bad the dickwad with the punchable face on Starkiller Base is like “cool story, gonna blow it up anyway”. Suletta then connects HERSELF to Quiet Zero and with the help of Ghost!Fake!Ceres #1 manages to dive deep enough into Gundam code to find the NewType Wave ghost control sphere which not only lets her shoot Quiet Zero’s control powers out to Starkiller Base, she also manages to bring everyone that’s died around so all the mournful characters can look wistfully at them and come to some form of acceptance. I’m not sure how this makes any logical sense since Ghost!Ceres says he’s only there as a remnant of being made there like Eri and everybody else just kinda shows up but given 1. The intention of Quiet Zero was to make a physical space for someone that’s half dead already and 2. It’s really just kinda cool and thematically resonant, I’ll allow it. Prospera gets to make up with Eri and apologize to Suletta and Suletta gets to struggle with the fact that she peaked in high school and was a deity for five minutes so what the fuck can she do now. Still we get an epilogue where everyone’s doing good, Eri’s in Miorine’s Siri device, Guel’s running his company while his brother and Petra have generic ending farm land with her testing medical prosthetics for her injuries, Secilia somehow got even MORE hot as a sexy businesswoman, Nika went to fucking jail but it’s okay since she’s back in school and got a good job. Chuchu became a space dockworker, Shaddiq’s still in fucking jail and Miorine is doing her best to mediate the still fresh tensions with Earth while Suletta follows her dream of both being married to Miorine and building a school, so basically the best ending, literally no one fucking died, like all the death flags in the world for some of these characters and this time just this once everybody lives.

Ranma ½: Ranma’s currently having existential crisis about a guy having a crush on him, meanwhile Kuno’s determined to pull a full Inuyasha and string along two girls at once, buying pics of both of them from Nabiki. No one just comes out and tells him the girl is Ranma and they keep stringing him along with metaphors and stuff so he keeps getting the wrong idea or just has a mental block where he refuses to accept it. Ranma ends up literally walking all over Kuno and beating him though getting some injuries in the process, and even more damage when Akane finds him with the pics and claims he’s hotter than her anyway (I mean to be fair the pics of Akane are just cute candid shots and Ranma’s are legit her with her tits out so yeah). They take him to Dr. Tofu (still can’t fucking believe that’s his name) and I like how he can seemingly tell which wounds Akane inflicts like an artist admiring a work of art except the art is someone’s broken body. He also apparently ships Ranma and Akane and orchestrates her carrying him home on their way back which is kinda nice since a lot of the gags in this show kinda work on Rule of Funny and end up being random for the sake of it but this one was a planned romantic moment. The next day the boys all claim they won’t fight Akane anymore since Kuno got his has beat so what chance do they have, but like Akane beat all their asses EVERY DAY and that meant nothing, guess she never beat Kuno until now so it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Shenanigans ensue and Akane ends up hurting Ranma again and she reveals that she doesn’t want anyone to know about her crush on the doctor because he has a crush on her sister Kasumi and has a gag of acting extra stupid whenever he’s around her, I mean he’s also like twice Akane’s age so that’s probably for the best but that always stings all the same. Still with Akane frustrated, Ranma does his best to cheer her up and it works to an extent but given their dynamic it doesn’t last long. Bro literally tells the doctor he doesn’t go out of his way to pick fights with her and then every word he says to her is just a random unprompted insult, like you can’t really be too mad about half the jokes being about him getting beat up when he just comes out the gate with constant insults about her appearance for literally no reason.

Castlevania: It’s not quite the finale yet but this episode does mirror the original attack on Dracula in Season 2 and that’s pretty neat. Trevor and Sypha join Alucard in defending the castle and they don’t have time to explain how they got there so they’re just kinda like ‘hey bro, sup?’ and proceed to fight all the mooks in the world and I think Alucard killed Kratos? Anyway Varney reveals that he’s Death and forces Saint Germain to continue the ritual anyway, basically changing nothing. Still I had this spoiled for me about 2-3 weeks ago by an Overly Sarcastic Productions video and yet it is kinda obvious when you think about it, Death is one of the biggest characters in the franchise, they mentioned him a bunch early on and otherwise it’s just Trevor, Alucard and Sypha in a room doing the Jojo kicking meme on a cockney vampire and that’s not much of a series finale, if anything knowing it was coming made it slightly MORE effective since it didn’t feel like it was coming out of nowhere, one of the few times spoilers didn’t hurt. Anyway the group fights the Priests of Death and it’s a really cool fight mirroring the Court of Dracula fight in season 2 and showing how they cover for each other’s weaknesses and shit. They do the ritual and Alucard has to watch both of his parents’ screaming souls be wedged into a naked intersex meat puppet because he didn’t quite need enough therapy yet. They beat said meat puppet when Saint Germain does… something… that weakens the spell (like he didn’t bring the barrier down or anything he just kinda moved the portal to catch their souls again?) and Trevor throws the wet shuriken of death into the human transmutation before it can become the eighth deadly sin. Death is pissed and Trevor knows it’s the end of the series so he faces off against him on his own for some reason (like both Sypha and Alucard can fly, like granted Alucard’s going through some shit right now but the fight lasts long enough they should definitely be able to get over there) but he has a cool speech about how things that can only kill have no place left in this world and does some cool Attack on Titan shit to ram the Dagger Ex Machina into Death with a huge explosion. Like I’m sure there’s more lore for that dagger and shit in broader Castlevania context but for me it just looks like the “this is the only weapon that can kill him’ shit, still the fight’s so cool I can hardly complain.  

Dandadan: It’s time for the introduction of resident GILF Seiko, because every major series needs a big titty badass to throw shit around. She has an intro that kinda reminds me of the beginning of Beetlejuice 2 where she has a low-budget psychic show that’s not highly regarded despite her predictions all being real. She comes home and traps Granny!Okarun in an anti-Sea Bear circle to beat the shit out of the evil spirit within, ready to kill the kid thinking he’s just another tough-looking scumbag Momo’s dating. But for whatever reason she decides not to and just seals him into the shrine, still taking the opportunity to fuck with Momo about it a little bit. She then enforces a training arc on the two of them to get strong enough to chase Granny out of town and banish her on their own which conveniently she can’t help with because she too can’t function out of town (I mean I don’t get why she can’t help along the way but okay) still the timetable is moved up when an ill-fated bathroom visit has Granny reveal she can transfer death curses to whoever she looks at through Okarun’s eyes (also side tangent but how does Okarun pee without his dick? Like they establish the bathroom visit is so he can poop but I imagine peeing may be an issue, does his small intestine just stop absorbing the moisture and he has constant diarehhea or is it magic and his pee just goes to his dick spiritually and he pees without peeing? I’m probably thinking about this too much but it is a central conceit of the show to be fair) but yeah now they don’t have time to get past their base powerset and have to do the confrontation right now at the place where she’s her strongest back at the tunnel where she fused with the tunnel spirit that was already there. Seiko gives Momo an emotional goodbye and some spiritual armor to help them which Momo quickly discards, still they get on the train and I get Momo’s logic of saving stamina by not walking and Okarun’s armor does block his eyes but it seems like a bad idea to have him walk into a crowded place when we’ve established Granny can curse people by looking at them with his eyes, idk maybe I’m worried over nothing but they seem to be going into this half-cocked and without half of their safeguards.

Gleipnir: With their baptismal conflict done, the duo decide to get some practice in with what has to be the darkest version of Ratatouille, turns out Shuichi can still move while Claire’s piloting him but Claire kinda has a movement override like that scene of Maria inside Al in FMA. They go to look for Claire’s sister since it’s their only lead and try to bloodhound track her down with her old uniform and despite Claire’s hopes the scent reveals she’s killed a LOT of people. This isn’t a particularly subtle show but I do kinda like the way they show Claire’s opinion of her sister changing her whole personality, like calling her sister a slut for no reason and showing that before her family was murdered she dressed more conservatively and had her hair braided shows Claire’s probably projecting a weird amount of purity bullshit and processing her damaged self-image and shattered view of her sister with outward promiscuity-signaling while taking pride in being a virgin, it’s a lot of fucked up shit and I don’t love the implications of some of it but it’s an interesting character dynamic for a show that’s 90% panty shots. The two hang out and have a date dynamic going with looking for Claire’s sister and eventually stumble right across her only to find out she has FMA Pride powers and can turn into shadow ash and shit but because she’s yandere for Shuichi she doesn’t even think twice about them shooting her (also a gun goes off in the middle of fucking Japan who the hell’s not noticing these gunshots in one of the most gun-regulated first world countries?). But yeah Claire’s main character syndrome kicks in and she thinks her sister can sense her inside Shuichi but really she’s just apologizing to Shuichi for turning him into a furry and fucking rips his mascot head off once she finds out another girl has been pegging him with her whole body. He’ll probably be fine since this is basically FNAF and he’s a springlock suit but it is a dramatic way to end an episode.   

Revolutionary Girl Utena: Utena’s kind of in a comatose state after losing to Touga and having Anthy move out. She takes Touga’s advice of ‘be a normal girl’ to the extreme and starts wearing the girl uniform and basically moping around like Smooth Normal Spongebob. Wakaba is a good friend and does everything she can to snap her out of it, even picking a fight with Touga and accidentally splashing Anhty. Meanwhile Touga’s gloating to the rest of the student council about having reached the endgame and the other two are sore losers for him getting there because of a Naraku-style plot so they’re just kinda grumpy. Even Anthy despite reverting to her blank slate personality still has lingering yearning for her time with Utena. After a lot of pushing, Wakaba finally tells Utena that normal isn’t normal for her and being weird is what makes Utena normal and if she’s not weird then she’s not normal and then gets through to Utena about how much of her true self she’s lost in her despair. She immediately goes to challenge Touga not just for Anthy but to reclaim the lost courage and boldness she gave up for the sake of normalcy and compliance, Juri even gives her a new sword to fight with so that’s pretty cool. Touga reveals he’s read the sacred texts and has Anthy do suggestive things to his waist-height sword to make the sword basically a lightsaber so he cuts right through Utena’s new sword and is about to win when Anthy’s lingering concern and wishes for Utena’s safety causes the power to leave him and the final clash results in Utena’s victory even with like one eighth of a blade left, how do these guys keep letting her get that close in a fencing match. Anyway Anthy’s back with Utena and Utena tells her to cut out the ceremonial crap and let them just go and hang out.

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Sounds Live Feels Live Tour Masterlist

Hot Dog And Milkshake (ao3) - im_just_a_sucker_for_bromance Luke/Ashton  E,2k

Summary: It was the first day of their new tour and Ashton was freaking out. Luke took it up to him to try and calm his best friend down. By calming down, Luke had other things in mind; things that Ashton could not even think of. Ashton could still remember that day when he had gone to Michael’s house for the first time to meet up with the guys. They were introducing themselves and Luke had said ‘hey I’m Luke and I like hotdog and milkshake’, causing Michael and Calum to snicker behind their hands. After so many years, Ashton had finally understood what that had meant.

I Don't Ever Wanna Wait For This (ao3) -  elivigar Luke/Calum M, 4k

Summary: “Then what am I supposed to—” Luke starts haughtily, but Calum cuts him off.

“Keep it in your fucking pants or just try to plan a little,” he says. “Let me know beforehand and I’ll go share Ashton’s bed or I’ll just stay out until you’re done or— whatever. Anything but forcing me to see or hear you getting it on with someone over and over again.” Pausing for a moment, he draws his eyebrows together, then adds, “Actually, I’ll literally suck your dick in every city in North America if it means I won’t have to deal with this again.”

I Know Who You Want Me To Be (But I'm Just Not There Yet) (ao3) - alxclightwood Luke/Ashton G, 2k

Summary: Luke has some sort of identity crisis, Ashton is the best boyfriend-not-boyfriend and eventually they get their shit together.

Injection (ao3) - im_just_a_sucker_for_bromance Michael/Luke E, 4k

Summary: For two days, Michael had been sick, grumpy and moody and to make him feel better, Luke had been googling ways because everything Calum and Ashton had tried had failed. He was quite happy that his plan was more effective and he was totally not expecting a reward in the end.

Or the one where Luke tried to sweat Michael's fever out when everything else failed.

Like the Stars Love the Sky (ao3) - tigerlily_sunshine Michael/Calum/Ashton, Michael/Ashton T, 37k

Summary: Michael can’t admit to Luke that he liked kissing Calum or that he would like to kiss Calum again. He can’t, because admitting it to Luke means saying it out loud, and saying it out loud means that these feelings are real. It means that he loves Calum as much as he loves Ashton, and that isn’t fair to anybody, especially not Ashton who didn’t ask for a fiancé with one foot out of the door—not that Michael would ever leave Ashton, but the sentiment is the same.

(In which Michael doesn't realize he might be in love with Calum until Michael himself is engaged to Ashton.)

stuck in between a nightmare and lost dreams (ao3) - bluesunnie Calum/Ashton, Michael/Luke T, 13k

Summary: The one where Calum writes Ashton a song for their second album, all because of that one night when Ashton got drunk and talked about his family.

Time of Our Lives? (ao3) - UltimateOptimist NR, 8k

Summary: 5 Seconds of Summer are on top of the world and loving it....Except maybe one. Michael is finding it difficult to adjust in L.A, while his band mates love it.

Or basically Michael is finding touring and new L.A. life difficult, which is made even harder as the boys don't quite understand or struggle with it. . How can he cope when the one place he's always felt like he belonged becomes a place he feels an outsider in? Cue arguments, breakdowns and some cute moments too.

trivium (ao3) - irwah Michael/Ashton, Michael/Calum, Calum/Ashton, Michael/Calum/Ashton E, 26k 

Summary: Calum continues to join in Michael and Ashton's relationship and everything is totally fine...until it isn't.

Work Out (ao3) - im_just_a_sucker_for_bromance Luke/Ashton E, 3k

Summary: When Luke had walked into the dressing room, he had thought he would be alone but he was surprised when he found Ashton there; Ashton, who was supposed to be anywhere but there. Although Ashton claimed he was feeling sick, Luke knew it was something else, something that was right up his alley, and he took it up to him to help Ashton.

you complete mess (ao3) - sunshineash Luke/Ashton NR, 1k

Summary:  Luke walks in on Ashton cuddling a lot of random cats.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, JULY 30, 2011 I prefer busyness to boredom, but this never getting any time alone with an always-home husband and always being on the go is starting to get to me. As soon as I think I can finally relax, I remember one more thing I’ve got to do. Right now I could stand an entire week alone without seeing a single soul no matter how much I loved them and no matter how good-looking or sweet they may be. I expect to be pretty active my first few hours of the day sweeping, running, etc., but I swear if we were between rats now I’d seriously consider not getting another pet for a while. I’m too busy to even give my own rat much attention!

I work so much better when I’m alone. It’s hard to clean with Tom in the way and we have to make arrangements for him to be elsewhere since there’s only so much one can do to get out of the way in such a tiny place. I also think better when I’m alone and working on the computer doing various tasks. When he’s asleep that’s one thing, but when he’s awake, hearing his movements out in the other room often distracts me or when he’s got to tell or ask me something.

I’m thrilled at the great pay his upcoming job will bring, but it sucks to know I’ll be sleeping throughout most of the time he’s working and that it’s only for a week or two. It’s like the more I try to get away from people the more they’re shoved in my face! I tell myself it’s better than being in a jail cell where I’m forced to interact with strangers round the clock, or us being holed up in a motel room or a 20’ RV like we were when we first went to Oregon, but this is getting annoying enough.

He has tried for 4 years now to land a permanent position. For 4 years! But since he hasn’t managed to yet, chances are he never will and will only be able to work a few months here and there till he retires. A couple of weeks a month is better than nothing if that’s all he can ever get, but I miss the days when he worked 40 hours a week! It was the perfect mix of together/alone time for me. But here he is virtually retired at age 54 and it’s NOT because we came into a lot of money or because we had any success with a home business.

Another thing I’m tired of and that I’m trying to remind myself could be worse is the way we’ve had to live with others either attached or on the same property since 2004. Again, it makes me feel like there’s no escaping people and like they’re being forced on me. I just want to be alone more and not have to share this and to share with other tenants or landlords. Why is that so damn much to ask for and to get in this life???

Even if by some miracle he got a permanent job and they paid him a fortune, it would still be too risky to get a bigger, newer place (which may or may not be a hell of a lot noisier than this place ever gets) because if they decided to fire him or lay him off a year or two down the road, since no job lasts forever, we’d be fucked. It’s a no-win situation either way. If we stay cramped in here with pesky Jesse, we’re safer. If we dare venture out to where the grass is a little greener, whatever the hell that’s out there that hates us so much could really use that as an opportunity to make our lives hell.

“You just have to accept things as they are,” people have told me. “You try something for a while and then if it doesn’t work out you move on and accept it as it is. No one loves their job or has the perfect place to live. No one has the perfect, ideal anything.”

Yes, I know this. But then why is it so damn hard to just accept that most things are out of our hands and just live with whatever hand I’m dealt with in life, shitty or not? Why must I keep wishing things were different at least in some ways? I should feel so, so lucky that we found this place for a zillion different reasons. And wouldn’t most people be thrilled to have their landlord close by for emergencies? Really, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just accept what I don’t have and be grateful for what I do have???

But I’m sick of getting the opposite of what I want so much of the time. Why do beautiful people I want to be friends with like Nane ignore me most of the time while I’ve got a sick, ugly, obsessed stalking troll that never misses a word I write in my blog? Really, why is it I can only have the regular attention of the crazies??? I’m still not sure she really reads it that thoroughly, though. I still think she basically scans for anything about herself, Alison, Kim or Kathy, but the point is the same. She rarely misses a day but I’ll bet I could count on one hand how many times Nane’s viewed it.

I still wonder what the hell is going on with Maliheh. I heard from her yesterday, which is nice. She thanked me for sending the journals and says she enjoys reading them, but it seems she never has much energy. I wonder just what it is that’s been ailing her and when and if she’ll get better.

FRIDAY, JULY 29, 2011 I finally have nothing but good news to report! Almost all good anyway. This will be a long entry, just so you know. I have much to say and hopefully, I’ll remember every little thing I wanted to mention. If not I’ll take notes and include them in my next entry.

Last night I had a dream Tom came into the room and said, “You can use the $500 you won for anything you want.”

“I thought we agreed to fill the propane tank with most of it?” I said.

But he insisted we didn’t have to use any of it for necessities and that it could all be for fun stuff.

I didn’t bother mentioning the dream to Tom because I didn’t think it meant anything.

Then the phone rang at 2:30 and off he went on a job interview. He was gone for almost two hours. At just before 5:00 he got the phone call he was hoping for. Now here’s a serious case of good news/bad news. The good news is: The job pays better than great at $14 hr. The bad news is: It’s only a 1-2 week assignment. It’s in Loomis which is 20 minutes away and he’ll be a QC inspector.

The funny thing is that he didn’t apply for this job. They found his résumé online AFTER he dumbed down his managerial experience figuring that was hindering him (along with his age). But this was an older résumé listing his experience as a Q&A manager up in Oregon.

The only sucky thing is that it will affect Unemployment and food stamps a bit. He said that being a small company he doesn’t have much hope of getting hired on, but hopes that there will be other similar assignments, which the temp agency said there should be.

He starts next Monday and it will be on days, though I’m on nights now. Figures, huh? LOL, so now any “alone time” I get will be mostly while I’m sleeping. Hopefully, Jesse will be off fishing like he seems to like to do a lot. I was joking with a friend about dumping her boyfriend if he got full custody of his kids. Of course she wouldn’t do that but she has about as much patience for little kids as I do. In other words that’s close to zero even if they’re sweet, adorable and well-behaved like she says they are. Well, this is how I feel about Tom; I could never imagine living without him, but I just want some goddamn space!

bursts out laughing A fellow sweeper is thrilled to have finally won something this month, so I just read – a book! hahahahahaha!!! I’m excited now that the first is approaching. Am I gonna win big? Well, of course! I just may not know about it on the first.

The $500 I won hasn’t arrived yet but the flip-flops have. They’re very comfortable even though they’re not bright, shiny and colorful. They have brown velvety soles and tan straps. I can feel why they’re $45.

The biggest surprise was the card Andy sent which he made, thanking us for the flip cam I won and sent him, and the $20 Walmart card inside of it! That was so nice of him! I assured him we’d both get a nice selection of junk food with it since tomorrow’s my day off from diet and fitness training, though all I’ll be getting is a tiny container of coffee ice cream. The best part of this diet is that I simply don’t crave things anymore and what little I do crave is usually real food, like chicken. I did beef this week for my meat, so next week will be chicken.

My first thought was that having 1500 calories a day was too much for me but when I woke up down another half a pound and saw the scale now says 136.6, I thought otherwise. :) I thought I was going to have a setback because I forgot to do the squats right after the last large amount of food I consumed. Tomorrow, however, I’m going to enjoy eating what I want when I want.

I was surprised to learn that Teri said it only took her 4 months from start to competition to build all that muscle! I thought it took years, but I guess it all depends on where you start. Although I’ve had a few fat spells I can’t say I’ve ever been much of a “wimp” throughout most of my adult life.

I’m also amazed that she was lifting hundreds of pounds at one point and had to wrap her wrists and knees for protection! I miss having a home gym. Maybe someday I’ll get ripped again but I’m pumping enough iron for now with what I’ve got to pump it with, and running at a steady 4-MPH pace for half an hour is quite a workout as far as the cardio part goes. My flexibility’s getting damn good now, too. I can’t side split, but can almost scissor split. :)

Exchanged hearts, hugs, messages and comments with Nane, Irene and a few others. I’m surprised Munich doesn’t have mosquitoes. When I saw Nane’s cozy lanterns set up on her terrace I asked her how many mosquito bites she was wearing at the moment, but there aren’t any around there. I thought they’d have a lot like New England because she gets a lot of rain and humidity in the summer. Hell, we have them here and it’s desert-dry during the summer. The browning effect has completed its cycle so now all the grasses and underbrush on the hillsides have lost the green in them from the winter/spring rains.

Another great thing is that our connection hasn’t dropped off once since they were out here yesterday fixing things! It turns out that the real problem was crossed wires. Some dumb shit came out to work on someone else’s line between the last time we had them out here, they crossed the wires, and that’s what caused us to keep cutting in and out.

We were going to list some Beanie Babies on Wednesday, but something came up and we were unable to do so. Then we were going to yesterday, but they were working on the lines. Then today he had the interview and other errands to run.

“We’re never going to sell these Beanie Babies,” he said, and then we both cracked up laughing.

We were laughing even harder when we remembered a certain incident that happened shortly after we arrived in Oregon in mid-2004. We stopped off at the storage place one day to get some stuff out of our storage vault to haul up to the mountain. Tom was wearing a bright yellowish shirt when suddenly a yellow jacket became obsessed with him and he kept trying to swat it away. But no matter how hard he’d hit the damn thing its strange fixation just wouldn’t let up. About 50’ away, just outside the security gate, an elderly couple walked by. Anyone who knows me knows I have the most psychotic laughter ever. Also, it’s not easy to see a bee at that distance. So it was pretty hilarious seeing their confusion over seeing this guy flailing his arms at seemingly nothing while his wife was peeling this insane laughter! Yeah, we had some interesting times up in timber country.

The troll only visited once today and only viewed 3 pages. Wow, mommy must be occupying more of its time.

THURSDAY, JULY 28, 2011 “If you knew you were destined to be poor all your life and never truly happy or able to live where you wanted to, would you take your life?” I asked Nane earlier today before we were knocked offline for hours.

“NOOOOOOOO!” she said.

Then I guess I better keep winning, as I told her. :)

Irene’s back to “liking,” commenting and sending me hugs, kisses and other goodies, and we’re waiting for the guy to call and let us know we can go online and I can catch up on people’s messages and other things. After months of wasting hours on the phone trying to get them to help us, and money on a new modem, we finally got someone out here who confirmed the problem was indeed on their end somewhere within the wire that connects from their modem to ours. Tom watched him as he worked the wires in the box up by the fork and then it was perfect. So even though he’s continuing down the 500-foot or so drive, it appears the problem was in that box. I just wonder how long it’ll last before there’s another problem.

Now the guy just called saying something about a voltage problem on their line that he can’t fix himself, so to make it even better he’s sending a crew out tomorrow. Already, though, our connection is better than it’s ever been since we’ve been here, so that’s good. :)

I think they should give us a few free months for all the hell we’ve gone through trying to get online and stay online. We’ve lost a lot of time and money to these incompetent assholes.

Although I still have a ways to go I’m really starting to feel the results from all this fun slavery, as I’d describe it, that goes with dieting and working out. I love the added energy and watching the inches melt away while I continue getting firmer. Ripples of muscle are now visible in some parts of my body, especially the abs, calves and shoulders. Definitely something to be proud of at any age but especially for 45:) Once I clear more fat, it will be even more evident as I continue building muscle.

It’s nice knowing I could probably get my purse back if someone snatched it, for example, unless they were fitter or pulled a gun on me, I could probably outrun them. And once I caught them they’d be tired and I’d be able to kick them to the ground. I don’t think they’d like being kicked in the head and face or me stomping on their neck, which would be sure to come next. :)

Before I get into the former professional bodybuilder who’s inspired me and that I’m now “working” with, yesterday turned out kind of interesting. The hunger got so bad by the end of my day, as usual. This time I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it another few hours and then try to go to sleep with such intense hunger. So I decided to consider the day a waste and go fuck up really bad. First I started with 8 meatballs and a banana. But I was still hungry, so I tossed down a yogurt. That didn’t quite do it either so I had a slice of cheese. After that, I was still hungry so I threw on some eggs. Even after all that I could have eaten more, but decided to quit while I was definitely not ahead and expect to be up a pound the next day. I wasn’t, though. Instead, I was down half a pound and am now 137.0 pounds even though I’d consumed between 1500-1700 calories the day before.

Teri is a Facebook friend who’s another VH sister and living back east. We weren’t at VH at the same time, though. She’s a former bodybuilder who’s won many competitions. As good as I am at winning, I don’t care to compete or have as much muscle as she did but was delighted that she offered to help give me tips and pointers on how to go about losing more fat and building at least enough muscle to suggest to anyone with the wrong idea that they better not fuck with me. :) I may have more muscle as it is, but right now my arms just look like arms when they’re relaxed, not muscular arms.

I told Teri about my overall diet and exercise routine and she said she liked most of what I’m doing but suggested a couple of minor tweaks. She thinks I should eat closer to 1 hour after waking and not 2, and that 1000-1200 calories is too low. Up it to 1500, she said, and don’t go longer than 3 hours without eating. She said this will keep my blood sugar at an even keel and (I told Tom he’d love this part) help eliminate mood swings and PMS.

It’s true that while I love to laugh and joke I’ve been having more mood swings lately and it gets a bit worrisome the way they’ve been fluctuating throughout the day. I want to kill myself for breakfast, kill the people responsible for collapsing the economy for lunch, then collapse in a heap of tears for dinner. By bedtime, I’m 1 taco short of a #4 combo.

But help is limited to me because we’re uninsured and most doctors tend to take the easy way out which means they’d just want to drug me up and expect their little pills to cure my depression and anger. I also have to be careful cuz of my history. The laws are getting stricter with those who have attempted suicide. And even though I was only 17, a 20-foot jump is not just a cry for help or a means of “getting attention.” In other words, they’d funny farm me in a heartbeat if they knew what thoughts sometimes ran through my mind at times! :( I entered to win a free funeral (no joke) and told Tom that if I win the thing I’m outa here for damn sure, LOL!

Back to Teri. She said not only to up my calories but up my workout to 30-45 minutes from 20 because then I’m further into the fat-burning zone. LOL, I know a lot about fitness and nutrition as this isn’t totally new to me, but I didn’t know there was a “fat-burning” zone. She said I should take 5-10 minutes to warm up and the same amount to cool down but only stretch AFTER the workout because you can cause serious damage by stretching a cold muscle.

The last thing she told me was to take one day off each week to eat and drink anything I want.

Just talked to her again. I told her I did one of my treadmill’s programmed workouts. For most of the 30 minutes, it walked me between 2.8 and 3.1 MPH. It felt good, too. Just a little stiffness in the hips afterward. I was sweating and my heartbeat was up, but it was a bit easy. She said if I could I should go faster, so I’m going to go back to alternating between 3.3 and 4.5 MPH. I could run up to 6 MPH now, but not for more than a few minutes.

Anyway, I wish we had the home gym we have no space for. I’d love to get at least somewhat ripped. I started to down in Arizona till the freeloaders destroyed our lives. But I simply don’t have anything here that could offer the resistance needed for building serious muscle.

I suppose if you’re not into fitness and exercise this entry would bore the hell out of you, LOL, but I’m done with my workout report for now! It’s taken me hours to do this entry because I either keep waiting to get online or something comes up.

Later…

The crew turned us off again to work on the lines. Let’s hope they really do fix things and don’t fuck things up worse or only provide us with another quick fix of sorts.

Finally heard from Alison. The chemo is really whipping the life out of her and she feels a lot of anger toward most of the world. So do I!

The troll is both creepy and amazing. She accessed every single one of my entries today. Not even Marie was that “dedicated.” I wonder if it’s because I mentioned redoing my post pics since I realized I could drop and drag from MyOpera.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 2011 I don’t know why, but the pictures I sent a few people of my new shoes were zipped. The old Yahoo showed thumbnails in the email messages themselves and their slideshow actually worked too, but with the new one, you have to download and unzip them which is pretty fucked up. I’m sick of all the site changes and having unwanted changes forced on me! They rearrange the buttons and take away features that really come in handy and it’s totally frustrating! As soon as I get used to the latest version, they change it again.

I worry my online life is coming to an end anyway. As I figured would be the case, the new modem hasn’t helped make our connection any less reliable. If anything things are worse and I can’t stay on long enough to do much of anything. Tom believes it’s their line and that they’ll fix it since every time they’ve come out before and have found a problem they’ve fixed it, but then we have problems again in just a few weeks to a few months. I still say it’s the nature of DSL and that as long as we live here, which will no doubt be more years than I care to think of right now, we’ll never have a reliable connection.

I’m excited to know we’ve got $500 on the way, but still stressed, pissed and frustrated to be stuck in the same fucking rut day after day, month after month, year after year. How many more years will Tom be forced to make a career out of being unemployed? How many more years before he’s forced to retire because there simply isn’t any work? How many more years will we struggle and remain trapped with shit for options in life as far as where we go and what we do? How many more years before I snap and hurt someone or kill myself? If good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people, maybe I ought to just turn myself into this vicious, cold-hearted bitch. Maybe then our luck will change. Nane’s 51st birthday is next month. Why don’t I just dump her as a birthday present? Maybe that will make things better for us if I just become a bad person and start shitting on people left and right. After all, Nane’s worst crime is not keeping in touch as much as I’d like her to, so why don’t I just be done with her and her associates and just move on? She obviously doesn’t want to be friends anyway.

I’m just sick of the same old shit. Yes, it’s nice that I’ve been on a roll with the wins again (hey, I’m psychic, what do you expect?) but I’m sick of waiting for change that never comes! Fuck life and everything else! If I have to keep living life feeling like some puppet on a string that can never be in the driver’s seat of her own life, then what’s the point of living? If I deserve to live like this then maybe I don’t deserve to live at all.

Speaking of Nane’s associates, why have I stopped hearing from Irene? She used to “like” and comment on so much of my stuff, but lately I haven’t heard much of anything and I wonder if maybe I said the wrong thing (about Nane?) in one of our private messages. I sent her a message apologizing for anything I may’ve said that might’ve offended her unless she’s just been busy. But she was on after I sent the message and ignored it. Just in case the message failed to make it to her, I posted it to her wall.

I tried to make it as an author but I failed. So I’ll be giving up writing for a while until and if I want to write something just for fun.

One of the very few other things I can be glad for is that in the end, I’m glad I got my tooth pulled. It’s so nice to be able to have a mouthful of something hot or cold and not go through the roof with pain! I still can’t believe that one tooth can raise so much hell and make it seem like multiple teeth are a problem. I thought something was wrong with my ear, too.

Jesse came down yesterday (yeah, I knew it would be any time now) saying he had no water. The stupid cock did something to drain the tank, I guess, but we haven’t had any problems down here. He did switch over to the ditch, though, which he threw tons of bleach in so the water sort of stinks. I smelled like I came out of a swimming pool instead of the shower this morning.

I’m still losing weight, but am doing so in small increments. I’m now down to 37.4 pounds with a long, long way to go yet. I’m now running at 5 MPH, but not consistently during my entire 20-minute workout. It’s a tremendous amount of hard work and hunger. No wonder most people would rather just stay heavy. The various workouts I do take quite a bit of strength and endurance, but it’s simple compared to being hungry so much of the time. Once I get about halfway through my day the hunger turns itself on pretty much like a switch and stays with me throughout the rest of the day.

I’m just trying to make the best of this overall shitty situation I’m in because I don’t think I have much longer to live. Hell, I’ve wanted to kill myself on and off since I was around 13 years old. And each year that I continue to see that I don’t have much say in what happens to me, the more I think about it. So I guess it’s safe to say it’s just a matter of time now. I doubt I’ll make it to 50.

As soon as I can get online to post this, I will, but due to not being able to get on so much of the time these days, I may be making fewer journal entries. I may drop to every other day instead of every day, but we’ll see.

Later…

“I tell you, you’re more psychic than even you realize,” Tom said when I couldn’t boot my laptop after getting in a foul mood over some site changes along with a few other reasons. “It’s obvious.”

The way he said this cracked me up in a fit of laughter for some reason. The laptop booted after I started laughing.

He laughed too, then said, “I’m not saying there still isn’t a problem with the lines here, but notice that the better a mood you’re in the longer our connection hangs on before it drops? How many more years must I point this out to you and remind you of things like how your wins stopped when you were in pain with your tooth and the misfortune that befell those who pissed you off?”

“Don’t forget the run-over dogs and the flipped landlords,” I said, laughing some more.

Yeah, ironically enough one of Jesse’s dogs was run over out on the main road a while back after the three of them were driving me absolutely crazy barking and howling up a storm. Then shortly after Jesse was driving me just as crazy with the bulldozer for something like 5 hours a day for nearly a week, he went roll, roll, roll his car not so gently down the freeway. He says a deer popped out at him, but Tom thinks a certain someone whose nerves he grated on wasn’t a good concoction when mixed with a high alcohol content. Running over dogs and flipping landlords was never part of the plan, though, as annoying as they can get. It’s not something I consciously will myself to do is what I’m saying. Neither is all the winning for that matter. It’s all about my moods. For some reason, they cause effects much more extreme than most people’s moods/attitudes.

“And do you notice this is more of a curse than a blessing?” I said to him. “Look how often I’m in a foul mood lately as opposed to a good one.”

I was in one seriously foul mood earlier!

I know I said I’d dump Nane because I was upset, but that would be mean. From around my mid-20s to my early 40s I was quick to dump people for the dumbest of reasons and was a very unforgiving person. I have been determined to break that pattern, and those who have forgiven me for my own imperfections helps me want to treat people better all the more.

So much for cutting back on my entries, shitty connection or not. I just had to write. And when the mood strikes I like to get things into print while they’re still fresh on my mind.

TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2011 I thought I had a big win dream last night, but it could’ve very well been triggered by the fact that yesterday I won a $500 American Express card!!! Also a bottle of Mr. Clean. I sure do seem to win in clumps! I guess getting the propane tank filled just got easier, and I could use new glasses, too. There are also other little things we could use like a tower fan to put by the treadmill. I’d like a new body pillow too, this time made of memory foam.

This is awesome but I still hope to win super big someday. Andy says $500 is super big but what I mean by “super big” is enough to buy a decent house outright. Not a piece of shit in the slums and not anything fancy, but just a decent, average house. The only way I’ll own again is if we can buy it outright. But if one is destined to be poor or close to it most of their lives, then winning super big won’t be “allowed.”

Because the prize was under $600 we didn’t have to get anything notarized or sign any tax forms. Just an affidavit and a photo ID were all that were required. Tom dug the old scanner and laptop out of the shed and we scanned the paperwork and my passport since I don’t have a valid license. Then we found a free fax site and faxed it. Today she emailed me saying the prize would be sent out today! So is the Lisa Jackson book I’ve been waiting on. I told them I still hadn’t received it and asked how much longer it would be since I won it back in May. The guy said I should’ve received it by now but would send another copy my way, so that was nice of him.

Andy and I were Formspringing each other on and off throughout the day yesterday and he asked, “Don’t you wish you could win a night with Nane?” LOL, leave it to him to ask that. And to describe the way the Flip camera I won and gave him zooms in and out “much like fucking.” I think he’s still shocked I just gave him the thing just like that. Why not? It’s not like we have any use for it or that we could’ve gotten much more than $30 or $40 for it, and he’s a friend.

I would have gotten this entry posted earlier but we were offline for a while when Tom was installing the new modem. I hope it helps make our connection more reliable!

The drama queen ignored my message about my book being published on Smashwords. She’s too busy raging over Casey Anthony and threatening to boycott NBC, the network eager to make this baby killer rich as hell. Can’t say I blame her. I understand her anger. And she has no sympathy for jurors or lawyers who got threatening phone calls. But she did have sympathy for the abusive ex-husband who also received threatening calls – WTF?

I too, hate that life is so fucking unfair and that the laws are so twisted. I don’t know what’s worse – her getting away with murder or about to adopt a baby which is obviously a lame cover for the truth. In her mind, by adopting this kid she’s saying, “See? I didn’t kill my other kid to get my freedom back. I really don’t mind giving up my life to motherhood.” But anyone with half a brain would know she really doesn’t want the kid any more than she wanted the first one.

Amanda Knox may be getting off, too since the “experts” botched her case up really bad. It just goes to show how fucked up the pigs are no matter what country they’re in. Pigs, lawyers, judges, politicians – can’t trust any of them!

There may be a lack of evidence in the Knox case as with Anthony’s, but her after-the-fact behavior suggests guilt just as Anthony’s did. Yet everyone wants to free the guilty and jail the innocent, so it seems.

We had opened our own blogging site at Weebly but I just can’t get into it because I don’t like the way the site is designed. Therefore, we’ll probably be shutting it down. Besides, I’ve got other blogs to run to if anything happens to my Blogger blog. I can always return to MyOpera or MD.

All that hell over trying to get pictures to animate on Blogger when it turns out all I have to do is drag and drop from MyOpera, LOL. So once again I’ve started editing pics on past entries. I got June done and will tackle July later. This is the same picture from yesterday’s entry, only this time it’s animating like it’s supposed to, not that all the pics I grabbed from Friendster and sites like that are animated to begin with.

The only other dream I remember having last night was listening to a recording of someone playing the guitar. Some anonymous being who was with me said it sounded like they were playing on a guitar with steel strings. “Sounds like nylon to me,” I said, and then we got into a stupid argument over whether or not it was steel or nylon, LOL.

They’re not only still not buying my book, but now they’ve stopped “liking” it too. Fuck it. Just fuck it. Mitch ran through my current book to give me ideas on how to end it. I’ve never had such trouble bringing a story to an end before, but who cares? No one will read it anyway but maybe Alison even though I haven’t heard from her in ages. Having to have chemo is a rough life.

MONDAY, JULY 25, 2011 Everybody’s buzzing about Amy Winehouse dying. Well, first of all, I was never into her voice, songs, looks or personality. Secondly, while it’s a sad and unfortunate thing, it’s a little hard to feel sorry for someone who has the money and resources available that can help them but doesn’t use them if it’s true that drugs are what killed her. Yeah, I guess I’m just a bitch:)

I’ve lost 4.4 pounds in the first week of this new diet/exercise program! But you usually lose the most during the first week so I expect it’ll drop off to about a pound a week from here on out. The muscle I’m building is amazing. I don’t just run, I work my arms and abs, too.

Yesterday was so funny cuz Tom was struggling like hell to complete the ab exercises you do with the ball which you have to be in fairly good shape to begin with in order to do, and he couldn’t even do 3 of them, LOL. Poor guy’s got a ways to go yet. I left him in the dust as to how long we could stand on our toes and assured him I could probably kick his ass in arm wrestling too, even though we never tried. For some reason, my left arm is stronger than my right arm even though I’m right-handed. I’ve beat people in arm wrestling with my left arm who have beat me with the right arm.

The treadmill has 6 pre-programmed workouts. There are 3 30-min. weight-loss workouts that change various speeds along the way, and then there are 3 intensity workouts that I’m not in good enough shape for yet. They range from 20-40 min. When I first started on the treadmill I couldn’t run much over 3 MPH, but now I can do 5 MPH. One of the programs tried to run me at 6.2 MPH for a few minutes but I had to stop. I’m simply not in that good of shape yet. I’d hate to even think of how fast the intensity programs go! Probably faster than the bionic woman herself. Either way, it feels good to lose weight and get in better shape even if it may all be for nothing. Meaning, we may end up dead if they don’t give him a job one of these centuries, but that’s ok, LOL. My life is basically over and I have nothing left to live for anyway. I’ve known that for some time now and I’m not about to try to delude myself.

My book’s now up to 51 “likes,” 3 samples, and 0 buys. Fuck it. Just fuck it.

Later…

Germany hit my blog again, according to Google. It’s got to be Nane. It just seems unlikely that I’d suddenly have a regular visitor from there that I don’t know.

Andy’s been in it more often since I left him thinking this blog was trackless. I suspected that may’ve been part of why he started coming around my other blog less and less; he just didn’t care for me knowing about it.

SUNDAY, JULY 24, 2011 Last night I awoke in the middle of the night for a minute and was glad to know that for once I wasn’t having one negative dream after another. But now I can’t remember one single dream I had.

Two days ago I got to wake up to bees and spiders and yesterday it was ants. There was a trail in the closet of all places, but I sprayed and vacuumed them up easily enough.

Thank God I slept through what Tom told me went on around here last night. He must’ve felt like we were back in Phoenix! I guess it was somewhere down the hill, but someone had a live band that was quite loud and the dogs were going crazy, of course. Tom had his headphones on so he doesn’t know when it started, but it lasted till nearly midnight.

“Are you sure it wasn’t a car stereo?” I asked him. “Cuz those sound like live bands.”

He said no because people don’t clap and cheer to those. I just hope it doesn’t become a regular thing!

I’m up to 46 “likes” and two sample downloads of my book which is now on Smashwords. All the “likes” are as annoying as they are pleasing. They can like but they can’t buy. :( Really, if they like it so much then why won’t they buy the damn thing?!

Maria, one of my VH sisters, got one of the 10% samples and said she was hooked from the start and hated not being able to read anymore. But since she too is unemployed, she needs to put all her money towards necessities. I told her I understood since we’re in the same boat and that the story will still be there when she gets a job.

Andy said that his mother wanted to read it, LOL. Hmm…can Judy handle some of my steamier scenes?

Then when I got up today I commented on Formspring that he hadn’t gotten a copy. “You’re pestering me,” was his reply. Yet he’s the one who brought up Judy being interested in it so I didn’t know if he ran into downloading problems or what the deal was. But he is a friend after all and no one’s gonna buy it anyway, so I emailed him a free complimentary copy.

He said it was 106º there the other day in Springfield. Damn! I’d have just died in all that heat and humidity if I was still there and without an AC. It’s been in the low to mid-90s here and dry as can be.

I remembered how Paula was able to call my old Magic Jack # and leave messages I’d play on my MP3 player even though I let the service expire and can’t make calls. Andy doesn’t type very fast so I told him that if he could be a good boy and not munch in my ear he can call and leave as many messages as he wants. But that’s only if he can still leave messages. Sooner or later I would think they’ll stop that and reassign the number to someone else.

Yesterday’s calorie overhaul didn’t cause me to gain weight, since Saturday is my official binge day. I slammed on about 1200 calories in one sitting before doing the squats so my body would burn more of it rather than store and turn it into fat. I had a single-serve pizza (450 cals), 6 meatballs (500 cals) and a single serving of coffee ice cream (230 cals). A definite overhaul in calories!

Today it’s back to running and having between 1000-1200 calories. I also upped my walk/run speed by a couple of tenths of a mile.

I don’t know who they were or what they said, but it angers me to learn that Kim’s been attacked on Facebook because she is heavy. You would think by now people would get over that shit. Especially since your average American is fat and so it’s not like seeing a heavy person is a rare sighting or anything like that. So if anyone’s reading this that had a hand in that, just shove a broom handle up your ass and out your nose!

I’m concerned for Maliheh. I think about her every day even though we don’t communicate on a daily basis. I worry about her health and hope she’ll be as good as new soon enough. But she said that the other day the yardman came and she got sick from being outside in the heat and humidity.

Another thing I can be thankful for was that I was in the room when my half-burnt incense stick caught fire. I’ve never had an already lit one flare up like that before. It may have gone out by the time it got to the end since the part of the stick you hold it by isn’t flammable but I’m glad I was around so I didn’t have to find out either way. If I have to be stuck somewhere I’d still rather it be here as rude and as inconsiderate as people are no matter where you go, in their own little world, oblivious and without a care for those around them.

Our connection had been steady for a while but is now back to cutting in and out like crazy. Still not sure I believe Tom when he says that if our new modem that’s on its way isn’t the answer they’ll finally be forced to fix the damn thing. It’s just the nature of DSL lines. Even though he claims otherwise, I just don’t think they were meant to stay connected all the time like with cable. But this area is simply never going to have cable.

I really, really like Irene, pronounced ee-ren-eh the German way. It’s funny that while I like the German chick, the Austrian chick likes me. She may not look like Nane, but she’s still attractive in her own way. Although she hasn’t directly told me in either English or German that she likes me, it really seems like she might, LOL. I seem to really attract those blue-eyed blonds! It’s also funny how she mixes German with her English. It’s her son’s 15th Geburtstag heute, she told me, LOL. She also caps a lot of her English nouns cuz all German nouns are capped.

Irene said she’d see me tomorrow evening which will be around 9am here. I’ll be looking forward to catching her since I should be up by then.

The troll’s blog views are getting strange lately. She jumps in from Formspring and just idles on my blog, but hasn’t been going anywhere. Mommy must be lurking close by or something like that.

It’s taking me hours to do this entry. I’ve put it on hold several times along the way to do other things, including letting the rat out to get some freedom, exercise, treats and attention. But now it’s time to get this posted and sign off. Then maybe – just maybe – I’ll actually get a chapter of my book written today.

Later…

The troll returned and is getting a bit more thorough, obviously catching up after whatever was distracting her had kept her from catching up earlier. I gotta hand it to her for being such a dedicated follower. My first thought was that I’d block her IP from tracking but was curious to see where she went since I couldn’t see that for free on HitsLink.

It’s amazing to see where people go and for how long, trolls or not. I love TIP much better than HitsLink, but they need to do a better job with the exit times. If someone goes to my blog, then leaves, they will appear to be online for 20 minutes after they’ve left.

Germany’s been back, but this is the one that for some reason is only being picked up by Google. It hit me that it could still be Nane if she accessed it from work or something and it was around the time she returned to cyberspace the second time. I would bet more on her than her SIL or brothers because I don’t think they know much English. Nane also seems to be online more at work than at home. It sucks if it’s her and I can’t see exactly where she’s been. I’d definitely be curious to know!

Irene said she wasn’t working for a while and asked if I knew. Nope. I didn’t. I know she just started this job right around the time we became friends, but I don’t know if she was working before that or not.

Later…

I set up another poll that allows for multiple answers. Sure enough, the troll was the first one to vote. The question and choices are:

You Follow My Journal Because…

You like hearing about my current day-to-day life. You like learning about my past. You like reading about my dreams (the kind we have when we sleep). You like reading about the people in my life. You like hearing about my pet rat. You like hearing about my language learning progress. You like hearing about my weight/fitness goals and experiences. You like the fact that I live in California. You like the fact that I’m bisexual. You want to see if I mention you and what I may say. You like reading about my thoughts, beliefs, opinions and feelings. You’re curious about any physical injuries or illnesses I may have or get. You like to read any stories or excerpts I may post. You’re curious as to what I may win next. Some other reason not listed. She voted on all but 3 of them.

She didn’t vote on #9 and I don’t know if that’s because she’s anti-gay/les/bi or because she simply doesn’t care.

She didn’t vote on #10 but of course I don’t buy it for a minute.

Lastly, she didn’t vote on #15, probably because she’s too dumb to think of another reason to nose around in my blog.

SATURDAY, JULY 23, 2011 Got up at 3am again and Tom got up just a few hours later and once again I’m sick of not having much space! Will somebody just give the guy a fucking job?! Even those we never fight with are hard to have around day after day after day with my only alone time being when he’s asleep or out running errands that barely take an hour to run. I couldn’t imagine life without him but really, it gets old when he’s always right there. I’m the type that could spend weeks totally alone and Tom’s the only one I could stand to live with so far in the first place. I would never want a roommate if I were single. Back when he worked it was the perfect balance of alone time and togetherness as far as I was concerned. I have a feeling, though, that the economy is going to force him to have to retire. Along with all the discrimination going on out there for whites and older people. This really sucks, too! I wasn’t supposed to feel “smothered” by his constant presence till he was 65 or 66, but here he is always home in his 50s. He’s now been unemployed for 2½ of the 4 years we made the mistake of coming to this state. The state I dreamt of living in ever since I was a kid. It goes to show once again that dreams simply aren’t reality. Instead, reality is everything we least expect in life. The “right” friends/lovers are usually the ones who seek us out, not the ones we seek out. The “right” jobs usually come to us by accident even if they’re not quite what we had in mind to begin with. And forget about looking for those belongings you can’t find; you’ll find them by accident when you aren’t looking for them.

When Irene first approached me online I almost pushed her away. Today I’m very glad I didn’t now that I’ve gotten to know how sweet and kind she truly is. I approached Nane and we’ve been “friends” for about a year now. But if I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth I doubt she’d ever even notice.

So my life will certainly continue to consist mostly of what I don’t expect or want. This means Tom won’t be back at work anytime soon, though months ago my dreams and vibes said September was when he’d be able to get a job. I know they’ll just lay him off again a few months later, but a few months here and a few months there till he’s supposed to retire is better than nothing.

As for my writing – fuck it. I’ll never make much money there. In fact, I’m thinking of taking a break from writing for a while after I finish the story I’ve been struggling to finish. It’s hard to stay focused when you’re so busy and you have a lot going on even if you don’t have a life at the same time. We can’t make be what isn’t meant to be anyway. Making much at writing is like winning the lottery. :(

Just like some people have trouble organizing their belongings, I have trouble organizing my time. I’ve fallen into a bit of a routine for the first few hours of my day. When I get up I have my coffee, then I enter sweeps. After that, I eat, run and shower. But I need to learn to make better use of my time after that’s done. Maybe it would help if I set aside a certain amount of time to dedicate to certain things like my book and things like that.

Not much else is going on other than nearly getting assaulted by a wasp when I got up. I headed into the bathroom and didn’t have my glasses on so I thought it was just some kind of moth at first.

FRIDAY, JULY 22, 2011 Yay, Nane’s back online and she even responded to my wall post on a nice picture she posted and sent some cool hearts my way! She’s getting a new PC this weekend. Watch, now she’ll run off to Turkey and desert me again, LOL. I joked with her about Irene being my new Facebook girlfriend and her “another little while” she said it may be before I heard from her again being about to expire.

Where it gets funny is when Irene commented after I commented on one of the hearts she slapped on my wall. Her English and spelling aren’t as good as Nane’s so I was slow to get one of her messages. First she said I was an absolute “spezial” friend. LOL, how sweet.

Then I told her I was glad we “met” and that having friends in other countries has piqued my interest in other countries and cultures whereas before I never gave much thought to these things.

It was her trying to say that “some of them are superficial” that didn’t click right away. But then I realized she was referring to Nane. I hate to say it, but she’s right, too. Nane is who she is and she has a right to be who she is, but she is superficial. She’s a fair-weather friend who only comes around when it’s convenient to do so, and I’ll be the first to admit it’s only a lust thing on my part. Other than being language fanatics we simply have nothing in common.

Tom, who’s probably the last person on earth to join Facebook, added me there. He’s not at all interested in socializing, though. He’s only there for contests that require you to have a Facebook account. I decorated his wall a bit for him. :)

We upgraded my computer’s memory yesterday and what a huge difference! Sweeping is much faster now. :)

Lost another pound and am now down to 137.8! I’d say my day’s off to a good start so far. Now I just need to win something good. :)

Had a million dreams last night but can’t even remember just one of them.

THURSDAY, JULY 21, 2011 Got up at just after 3am and went through my usual routine – made coffee, checked for messages, ran/walked just over a mile for 20 minutes and burned 115 calories. Then I showered and did a load of laundry.

I have been in better spirits since the weather warmed up, I started winning again, and have been dieting and exercising. Money’s not so tight right now either, which helps, but when I pull back and look at the big picture I still don’t like what I see.

My husband still needs a job!

We brought the burned-up weeder back to Goodwill and they gave Tom store credit. For the same value, he got a small car cooler/warmer for beverages. This way if we do go camping it will come in handy.

Then we picked up the mail and found the $25 Safeway card I won had arrived. So we grabbed some groceries, including some hot Chinese food for me, one of my favorite cuisines. Pigging out set me back half a pound, but it was worth it.

I wore my new shoes out which turns out to have a heel of a little over 3 and a half inches and not just 3” so I found when I measured them. This puts me up to about 5’ 2” since I’m just under 4’ 11”. They’re fine as long as I don’t have to walk too much. They’re just so gorgeous and I totally love them! I still can’t believe they were only $5. These are normally pretty expensive and 5.5 isn’t an easy size to find.

I was glad to hear from Maliheh when I got up. She said yesterday was her first day of not being out of breath and that she still has many emails to catch up on, but always reads mine (flattering). If the offer still stands, could I send her my journal, she asked, after I copied/pasted the latest few entries for her so she wouldn’t have to go to the site. She said she enjoys reading it (still flattering). I put her on auto-send and I also put Christine back on it, too.

I did a little “test” on Irene just to get a sense of how into me she may be since I didn’t hear from her at all yesterday. My guess is that she doesn’t have any kind of a thing for me. I was curious, though, and you know those kinds of things are fun for me as silly as they may be.

The black bitch that made my life hell for the better part of 7 years just viewed my journal from work in Surprise, AZ. And yes, I’m sure it’s her. But should I be amused or worried? Once again, nothing I’ve done was illegal in any way and I would think that if Alison, Kim, Kathy and I can’t do anything to Molly, then there’s certainly nothing this bitch could do to me. Molly’s stalked, followed and harassed people who have told her for years to leave them alone despite the fact that she’s never made threats. I told the bitch to tell me never to contact her again if that’s what she wanted, but she never did.

What did I send? Oh, just a few postcards venting some thoughts, and then I had her on auto-send for a while. After about a week’s worth of entries, I decided to disappoint her by pulling her addy out. I know she was reading them too, because I was always notified that she’d pick up all the cards I’d send her.

She came in through the link in one of the entries emailed to her but wasn’t there long enough for the time to register and never left the landing page. Did something come up at work in which my research shows she’s a possible accountant for the city? Did she just want to verify the blog exists? Was she just curious? I wonder if the pigs have been poking around in it. Either way, I gotta be careful and back off on sending things for a while, legal or not. Remember, God protects my perps and even though the law says I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, it’d be just His style to let them fabricate shit to beat me over the head with somehow.

Later…

Nothing more from her since she viewed my blog earlier. Whether or not she comes back may give me some idea of just what she’s up to. If she doesn’t return I’d be leaning toward her being curious to see if the blog exists. If she does, then she could be either looking for ways to “get” me or is just plain curious. There’s always the possibility she clicked on the link by accident, but that’s unlikely. I wonder if she was on long enough to notice the tracker.

I really wonder if some of the things that have gone on online could be connected to her. Maybe they had nothing to do with her directly, but I do sometimes wonder if certain spam, messages, comments and “friends” could be connected to her. It’s probably just someone playing games, but you never know.

This is the first time she’s ever clicked on a link I’ve sent her that I know of. Maybe the fact that she was at work is why, though it was kind of early to be doing things like that while at work, wasn’t it? It was just before 8am.

If she returns, it’ll be interesting to see if she ever does so from home.

Again Nane’s been “connected” and on Facebook since she added a new friend and answered a question on some app. So yeah, I’m being ignored. No doubt about it. Maybe my birthday present to her next month will be my knocking off her friend list.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20, 2011 Jesse didn’t end up making any racket yesterday but we ran into a company truck on the way out. I only caught the word ‘cement’ on its door, but Tom saw more of it and said he thinks Jesse’s going to have gravel laid out in the drive. That’d be nice. Then he’d have less reason to drive me crazy with the bulldozer. How can he afford it, though?

This diet is amazing so far. When I awoke today, day 3, I found I was 138.0 pounds. I’ve lost 2.8 pounds in less than 3 days! As I was telling Andy, this diet isn’t easy but it’s easier. You still get hungry at times, but it’s worth it when you’re actually getting results for your efforts. Diet and exercise alone work, but it’s harder to stick to without this new protein regimen that helps keep me fuller for longer. The end of the day is a little harder than the beginning and I sometimes wake up with hunger pangs. I just wonder how long it’ll last and if I’ll still be getting good results in a few weeks. I’m less hungry so far today, though I did wake up hungry. I’m also not craving sweets as much, but Tom is.

Yesterday’s trip to the Goodwill turned out fun for me but not so fun for Tom. The $8 electric weeder he got was burned up inside really badly. We’re taking it back today in hopes of them at least letting him get something else if not his money back.

I ended up getting incense, a new duster that I thought might make dusting easier, and a gorgeous pair of shoes. I can’t believe they were only $5 and my size! (5.5) They’re 3” heels with a clear plastic heel and straps that you simply slide into. The crisscrossed straps have little “diamonds” on them. And they’re the kind of shoes that can be worn with anything. They’re much easier to walk in than my 5” heels and are what I used to dance in. I’ll be wearing them out today on the errands we plan to run today. Gotta stop at the mail place and pick up some groceries. And just like I knew would be the case, the AC crapped out. There’s obviously a leak somewhere. We’re just not meant to have an AC in our car. Tom said maybe he’ll rent a leak finder next year. Yeah, right. Like we’ll have money for it!

Caught the troll as it was nosing in my blog yesterday so I had to play with her a bit and “lock” her out.

I noticed that the page Nane “liked” disappeared from the stream after I mentioned it in public to Irene, yet it’s still on her page. So that may or may not have anything to do with my pointing it out to Irene after asking if she’d heard from her. She said she hadn’t and doesn’t care anymore since she won’t answer her messages. So I guess it’s not just me after all unless she and Nane are putting on a great act together. I highly doubt it, though. What would be the point? For Nane to use Irene to “distract” me? All she has to do is cut me out if she doesn’t want my attention. I keep saying I’m gonna give up on her but that’s easier said than done when your curiosity keeps you around and the person’s so damn good-looking. Do I think she had computer problems? Yeah, probably so. But I also think she doesn’t give a shit. If she had time to “like” a page, she could’ve made time to leave a quick note on her wall letting folks know she’s alive. Especially after Irene and I asked about her and God knows who else as well.

Anyway, I learned a bit more about Irene last night who “liked” my wall post at 9:05 where I sent “hugs and kisses” back to her. I was a little surprised she wanted to talk in public (on her wall) vs. private, but that was ok with me. I just had to watch what I said, especially if it may pertain to Nane.

I never used to care about people or other countries, but making friends in a particular country has generated my interest somewhat in the countries. She lives in a 3-bedroom apartment with her 15-year-old son who is at a difficult age, she says, getting into fights and shit like that. It’s noisy because she’s on the street and the people above her sometimes get drunk and loud, but at night and weekends, it’s quiet. She doesn’t drive. She walks to work where she’s a receptionist for Porsche cars. She says that while lots of people in Europe live in houses, she prefers the apartment because it’s cheaper. I get the impression she doesn’t make nearly as much money as Nane makes.

TUESDAY, JULY 19, 2011 Fucking Photo Bucket! It said I reached my monthly band usage and to upgrade if I don’t want to wait till the 20th of the month when I’ll be able to access my photos again. The pics can still be viewed, I just can’t link them anywhere. Now I have to go and redo all the pics in my blogs, this time pulling them straight from my hard drive even if it means most of the animated ones won’t animate. Maybe I’ll load them onto Webshots later and see if they’ll animate from there. Webshots isn’t perfect, but they’re also not as greedy.

Yesterday I did such a good job at winning things we can’t use or that weren’t worth the effort of getting. A woman left a message at 9am saying I was the winner for the 14th for Facebook’s OnStar sweep. We knew it was a biggie because any win notice that comes by phone or FedEx is usually big. An OnStar FVM is a mirror for a car with all kinds of safety features when you’re on the road. Although it was compatible with our car as old as it is, it turns out that it’s nothing we could use that’d be worth the taxes we’d have to pay on it. When you enter dozens of sweeps a day, you just enter things blindly at random, so I didn’t check the details out up front. So I had to forfeit a $977 prize since I couldn’t get a cash equivalent and it was nothing I could sell. It would’ve been a royal pain in the ass with the membership transfer and all that.

Then I got an email saying I’d won a $4 bottle of nail polish. For little prizes, they usually just want to verify your address. Not in this case. No, these people wanted me to sign and send or fax them a release of liability form and a photo ID all for a lousy bottle of nail polish. It’d be so much easier to just go out and buy a bottle of nail polish! So I passed on that one, too.

Today I’m almost afraid to check my inbox to see what else I may’ve won that I can’t use, LOL. I usually win an average of 15K a year in cash and prizes and hopefully those numbers will go up!

Lost 1.6 pounds on the first day of my new protein diet and am definitely less hungry. Therefore it’s much easier to stick to lowering my daily calorie intake. Tomorrow I should hit that 138 pounds I tried for a week to hit down at before and never did. Still have a long way to go, though, and I’m sure it will get harder and harder the more weight I lose. Ideally, I’d look best at 100-110, but would settle for 115-120.

I’ve been mixing running and walking together when on the treadmill. Walking’s easier on my joints and it’s still just as beneficial. It’s more of a workout than you think when you do it super briskly for 20 minutes straight. If you’re sweating and your heart’s pounding when you’re done, then you got a good workout.

I’ve really come to adore my new friend Irene. sighs Why does Austria have to be so far away? She’s so damn cool. She said she’d be around to chat at 6pm her time after sending “many kisses” my way, but that’s right around the time I will be heading out to do some errands, so if we miss each other today, there’s always tomorrow.

Later…

At 7:30 Jesse was already running around on the ATV gearing up to work on whatever noise-generating project he has in mind to work on today to annoy the hell out of me until we go out in a few hours.

As for Nane, she’s definitely been on Facebook because she “liked” a page. She also pulled herself out of the group Irene added us to and ignored us both (unless she PM’d her). Some friend she’s turned out to be. I think I’m just about ready to give up on her. I just don’t see the point in being friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends with me.

MONDAY, JULY 18, 2011 I think the rat would have fun running on the treadmill (sort of like a wheel) if he just knew how to use it.

I started the new diet today and had 30g of protein during the first hour of my day. The reason behind this is supposedly because your body handles protein differently than other foods and makes you feel fuller longer. Well, even though I didn’t feel that full after eating two eggs, a slice of cheese and a pork patty, it’s now been 4 hours and I’m still not that hungry unless it’s psychological. The ice on the chest for a half-hour is something I don’t think I’m going to be able to do.

Andy loves keeping in touch on Formspring but couldn’t leave questions with a protected account even though he was listed as a follower, so I turned it public again. Had to also turn Twitter public when I realized I wouldn’t get extra contest entries for tweeting about contests with a protected account there. I’m keeping my FB account private, though, in case the troll gets it in mind to harass my friends when she “needs someone to talk to.”

I noticed someone left Irene a frog heart on her wall yesterday, like the ones Nane and I would leave each other. I asked Irene if Nane sent it but she said she had no idea who sent it. My first thought was that she might be lying because it clearly said that Irene had just sent me one. When I went to send one back, however, there was a heart waiting for me to accept from the application itself. But I’m still not sure that it was anonymously sent to me as I see no way you can do that. If Irene’s being honest, maybe she went in and found one waiting for her just like I did and thinks it was anonymously sent, IDK. I do wonder if Irene may like me, though, LOL, just by all the comments and goodies she sends me. When I first saw her picture I thought she was hideously ugly. Some were with red hair, some blond. But when you really study her face you see she’s not that bad-looking at all. She just needs to lose a lot of weight.

Another hug just came in from another application, LOL. Again, this is nice, but I sure wish it was coming from Nane.

SUNDAY, JULY 17, 2011 A while back I had a bad dream about Maliheh where we were sitting on a speedboat and she fell overboard. But this was after she narrowly escaped being hit by a tornado and so I wrote it off as just stress. But then I started hearing less and less from her, and as dishonest as it was, I sent a letter saying an “acquaintance” suggested it may be that she only friended me to make sure I pulled her name out of my book. I was curious as to what she had to say about it.

Well, she told that person she has a message for them – to fuck off because as long as I want to be her friend, she’ll be mine. And I can bank on it.

Well, it turns out she may’ve had a heart attack, the poor girl. Now I know why I had that dream. Right around the time I had the dream her energy levels declined and even a friend noticed she wasn’t herself. She just didn’t want to say anything until she knew what was going on. She thought she was having a heart attack while driving last Monday and although no damage was visible, she was kept overnight in the hospital. They’ll be running some tests on her over the next few weeks.

I let her know I’m here for her and that I wish this damn planet weren’t so big at times. I wish I could see my friends and meet some of my cyber friends, too! I just hope she’ll be ok.

As for the oversized bug dream I mentioned having in my last entry – I went into the kitchen just after midnight and what should be waiting for me but a HUGE spider! It was like a daddy longlegs with fat legs – ugh!

I wasn’t surprised to see that Casey Anthony is appealing her lying convictions. It’s like enough is never enough for her. It’s not enough that she already got away with murder or at least neglect. If I were her I’d cut my losses. Especially if I already did the time for the lies I told, so what’s to appeal?

At least I had a small win (a $10 Visa card) to help balance out some of the worries and gloominess I’ve been feeling.

Tomorrow I’ll be experimenting with Dr. Oz’s diet aid recommendations. They won’t make me lose weight, but will hopefully allow me to get more out of my diet. I’ll still have to cut calories and exercise.

After two days off, the troll was in and out of my blog like crazy today playing catch up. She came from everywhere and she went everywhere, combing the archives, individual entries (including old ones), and the comment section.

SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2011 “Don’t like gay marriages? Don’t go to one.. Don’t like cigarettes? Don’t smoke them.. Don’t like abortions? Don’t get one.. Don’t like sex? Don’t have it.. Don’t like drugs? Don’t do them.. Don’t like porn? Don’t watch it.. Don’t like alcohol? Don’t drink it.. Don’t like guns? Don’t buy one.. Don’t like your rights taken away??? Don’t take away someone else’s.”

That was my Facebook status a couple of days ago which I reposted from someone else’s wall. I totally agree with all it says, too!

Yet there I was reading about how the military’s twisted Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy will remain in place as once again the gays have their rights given and taken and bounced around like a damn yo-yo. It makes me sick that even in 2011 some folks still have to fight for the right to be who they are. Meanwhile, other “minorities” continue to have more rights than anyone else ever has to date. It’s no wonder I can’t stand people in general but am getting sick of this country. I just can’t imagine what other country I’d go to if I were to leave the US.

Just got done showering and I swear my hair has already grown back an inch. Now I’m loving my $150 desk chair that Tom got at the Goodwill for just $6! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it! I’m just amazed at how wonderful this chair is. You can tell it’s expensive not just by how it feels but by all the features. Most chairs simply have a height adjustment, but this one also lets you adjust the width of the arms and the slant of the entire seat and back. The cushions are more than twice as thick as most office chairs. The only thing I don’t like about it is the weight. It is one heavy chair! Don’t care for the dark gray fabric either or how wooly it is, but it’s better than that mesh fabric, I guess. I gotta wonder who would give away such a nice chair.

I was compensated with Jesse and his son’s racket yesterday – argh! One on the saw, one on the dirt bike. The damn kid even cruised down here once that I know of (I ran and drowned the racket out with my own noise). Why couldn’t this one have been a girl? Damn cocks. Most of them are little pricks no matter what their age. If the animal, who may be living here throughout the summer or close to it, makes a habit of zooming down here, I’m going to tell Jesse to keep his damn kid up at his own place and to himself. I don’t care that it’s his land! Talk about a guy that’s as kind as he is inconsiderate to his tenants. The main reason I opted out of having kids was so I wouldn’t have to deal with the chaos they bring. Yet I have been forced to deal with other people’s kids so much in my life – WTF? Few more years and the damn kid will be coming and going with a loud car stereo.

I don’t know if the saw I heard was the one we sold him, but if it was then I’m sorry we didn’t throw it on Craigslist. So many guys are so lazy. So many. Yet we just have to have a landlord who can’t sit still and who always has to be doing something. We just couldn’t wind up with a lazy couch potato.

Tom and the rat were pigging out on barbecued Fritos yesterday, and he was happily underfoot in the kitchen the entire time I prepared dinner later on. He was so like a dog, quick to suck up any scraps I’d throw down for him from the table, LOL.

The inside clothesline just broke again. Ugh, I’m sick of our shit breaking!

And I’m sick of feeling down as well. But I’m stressed, depressed and feeling a sense of doom and gloom so much of the time. I feel like if I lived or died my life would still be basically over in a sense. I wish I could shake it.

Even when I’m not having nightmares, my dreams are still mostly negative. Take last night’s dreams for example – panicking over not getting a job I wanted, a rising fever for no apparent reason, and supersized bugs on the walls – WTF?

Tom’s going to redo his résumé and omit all his prior management experience. It’s sad that experience can hinder you from finding work when it should actually help you. I still think the main issue is the curse that’s determined to hold us back, whatever it may be, and his age and color. Especially his age.

As I hear less and less from Maliheh, I get more and more convinced that she only befriended me last year to make sure her name was pulled out of my book. But as soon as the book’s published I start hearing less and less from her. Funny, huh?

FRIDAY, JULY 15, 2011 I was going through the place picking up the rat’s toys when I thought to myself - if I’m ever going to get my German like my Spanish – or even like my Italian – I’ve got to start studying more. Irene has taken over Nane’s role in helping me. Not by anything she does in particular but just in our communications and by me following things on her wall. She does know English as well but doesn’t seem to know as much as Nane. She added Nane and I to a spiritual group she’s starting that does tarot card readings and stuff like that, and even she’s mystified by Nane’s disappearance. But as I told her, who can know what’s really going on in her life but her?

It is so nice to be pain-free! My gums are now just about completely healed. :) For a while there I thought they would never heal. So now I am truly glad I got the damn thing out of my mouth, especially since it was so far in the back. Even my dry skin is better. That was definitely brought on by cheap bodywash and cheap lotion. But now that I’m using better stuff again it’s not so bad.

After vacuuming out the lifetime supply of dust inside the back of Tom’s chair, we swapped chairs for now because I got sick of the way mine was rocking back and forth. We’re deciding on whether or not to get a new chair, order the parts to fix my old one, or see if we can pull the parts to fix it from the last chair that broke that’s sitting in the shed. The lift on that one broke so that it would stay up really high. Not a good thing when you’re so short. I don’t want to have to keep his chair for long, though. I had to stuff a pillow in the back to keep the support bar from gouging my lower back and it’s kind of big for the area it’s in.

The only other thing going on I’m not so thrilled about, besides the unusually cool nights, is the lack of win notices. I don’t know if I’m being compensated cuz I recently won big or what, but I’m getting worried. This is what happened in the summer of 2009 before I ended up quitting. I won big and then my wins just stopped.

I have a feeling Jesse’s gonna be running around on the ATV any minute now. :(

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13, 2011 I watched as Tom pulled the center of the chair apart and a small object – apparently broken – fell out of it.

“There are your ball bearings,” Tom said.

The ball bearing in my little pink office chair broke, so we learned after I sat in it and noticed it felt funny. This sort of “completes” the dream I had where he was saying “bear beads” which I later told him when I woke up might’ve really been ball bearings.

What is it with these damn chairs anyway? This is like the third or fourth chair I’ve gone through. I can still use it; it just rocks a little. But next time I think I’ll go from cheap crap to first class. :)

Out in the country, you notice some things more than you notice in the city. Like the moonlight. I turned the lights off so I could relax in the dark, but a sliver of moonlight shone through the window and kept it from being pitch dark. It’s better than city lights and all the chaos that goes with them. I do NOT miss having a house just a few feet away from me! That’s just too apartment-like.

Tom’s starting an experiment and if what he does works for him I’ll try it myself. It’s something he saw on TV where this famous doctor, Dr. Oz, tells of these supposed scientifically proven tricks to help make weight loss not be such a bitch. You still have to work out and eat responsibly, but it seemed interesting.

There are 3 things you have to do, 2 of them every day. Every day you must have 30 grams of protein during the first half-hour of your day. Then you must place ice on either your upper spine or your chest for a half-hour a day to cool the body’s core. This raises the metabolism. Eventually, you want to get to the point where you’re taking cold showers, then sitting in a tub of ice up to your waist for 10 minutes, but we both agree that there’s no way we could take such cold. If I just think the word “cold” I get cold. Lastly, once a week you want to drink a glass of grapefruit juice prior to binging. This doesn’t mean you eat all day or until you puke; just all you want – whatever you want – until you are full. If you don’t want the juice, then you can do 1-2 minutes of squats after pigging out.

Speaking of food, the fryer broke so no more fried foods for us. Why do those damn things break so easily, though? In fact, why does all our shit break so easily?

I’ll eventually give this chair to Denise, my sitting mannequin. But that’s only if I don’t sell the bitch.

I still have a thing for Nane and wish I’d hear from her more often but I have a feeling that after her so-called computer issues are resolved I’m not going to hear much more from her then either. It’s funny, though, because if I were suddenly single and in her area, I wouldn’t hesitate to get it on with her if she wanted to, as self-conscious as I may be being this fat, and knowing she’d probably be all wrong for me relationship-wise. She’s just so damn hot!

It was nice hearing from my Ohio buddy and knowing she cares enough to keep in touch. We were talking about our different theories. I’m a very philosophical person and I believe that if all there is out there is a God, then that God is more evil than good. If there is a God and a devil, then the devil is stronger than God because there is more bad in the world than good. As for random events, that’s harder to believe since some of us seemed to get picked on by life over and over, year after year, which has a way of making one feel singled out and picked on.

Eileen turned 60 today and the rat was funny as hell earlier. I love it when he gets all playful and rolls around on his back.

Jaycee Dugard’s book already sold 175,000 copies. I’m happy for her and all that, I just think it’s kind of sad that one has to be kidnapped, raped and held hostage for 18 years (unless their books are turned into movies) in order to sell many copies of their book. And she just got 20 million from the state of California, too. I also wonder how can she stand to keep her kids now that she’s free, considering the monster that fathered them.

TUESDAY, JULY 12, 2011 Sometimes I wish Tom and I could live in a different country every year or two for variety’s sake. Except for the impoverished countries and the crazy countries, of course, like in the Middle East. But even if we didn’t have to work, we both still need to be able to learn the languages and I’m the only one here with a knack for languages, LOL.

As for Casey Anthony, I hope someone kills her but I know better than to think she’ll be harmed in any way. Knowing how twisted, backward and unfair the world is, God will protect her (I got it a God cuz I don’t know what else to call the evil above or exactly what it is) and see to it that she gets filthy rich and has many more kids. As it is it’s been confirmed she’s already adopted a Romanian baby. She put in to adopt it last year, pending the results of the trial. So the Romanians don’t mind giving babies to convicted liars even if they might be baby killers or at least definite baby neglecters. Lovely. Just lovely. Kids drive me crazy. I can’t stand to be around them and their loud, uncivilized, bothersome and often animalistic ways. But that doesn’t mean I like to see them abused or in the wrong hands.

The jury may’ve been unable to prove she murdered her kid, and maybe she didn’t. Maybe the kid really did drown and she panicked, even though her post-death afterward doesn’t seem appropriate for a grieving mother. But even if it were an accident, shouldn’t she have been sent to prison for neglect? And for neglecting to notify the authorities? Instead, she gets convicted of lying to the pigs – WTF? So I did (both in and out of jail) almost the same amount of time as she did in jail for a fictitious letter – WTF?

And one of the lies is just ridiculous. Convicting her for lying about the fictitious nanny is one thing, but convicting her for petty, harmless and silly lies like telling a couple of celebrities what was going on is a joke. And I’m sick of the double standards! Why is it we can’t lie to the pigs but they can lie to us all they want?

I disagree with that famous lawyer who compared her case to OJ’s. OJ wasn’t charged and convicted of all the lies he told the cops. Also, in OJ’s case, two people were killed instead of one. The only similarities are that they both got off scot-free.

This is a prime example of why I’m no friend of God. It’s not just about my own perps He’s protected and the bad things He’s allowed to happen to me personally have deepened my hatred for Him, it’s also what I see going on out there in the world. If God doesn’t make mistakes then why do 2-year-olds die, accidentally or not? And if God is “good” why do thousands of people get wiped out by earthquakes, tsunamis and other natural disasters? sighs As always, to each their own, right?

And so that brings me to our weather. I just can’t figure it out. Each summer is colder. It’s not only taking longer each summer for it to get here in the first place, but this is the first summer we’ve had to close windows at night in the middle of it. :(

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2011 You’d never know I was once a dancer if you saw what a fatty I am right now, LOL. But that’s what I get for spending so much time eating too much and moving too little. But I am making progress, however slow it may be. Regardless of weight, I feel so much better already and I love the way it’s firming up my body. I’d rather be fat and fit than thin and unfit. Yesterday I ran a little faster at 3.5 MPH, but only for 10 minutes and with a 52-calorie burn.

Anyway, happy Monday, everyone since it’s just after midnight now. I hope this week brings me some good wins! Last week was kind of a dry week.

I got to talking about my old neighbors – the ones that were the most problematic – and was asked if I myself did anything wrong during the years we were neighbors or if I was the perfect little neighbor all along. Well, we’re all human. That means that sometimes we’re right, sometimes we’re wrong. And I have no problem admitting when I’ve done something I shouldn’t have done. So the answer is no. I’m no angel. Never have been never will be, although I do try to treat others with kindness and respect and am a little more forgiving than I wish I was or even like to admit I am. I hate to fight with people. Disagreeing is one thing, fighting is another. I was a prankster in my younger days who could be a bit of a spoiled brat. These days, however, I really would prefer to keep the peace. I’ll do what I have to defend my rights, my property, my loved ones and myself, but I’d rather not have to do so to begin with.

But now that person - or possible persons – is stalking me online, following me from site to site, and their latest site to play with me on was Pandora. If it’s not really them, then it’s someone doing a fine job of making it look like it is. I have pulled a certain email that was suggested to me from the auto-send feature after getting an “anonymous tip” that someone had used my Pandora account to post parts of this journal (they edited some of it) in their comment section, so I ran and changed my PW, then left a few comments of my own in my defense.

So someone who apparently knows them seems to want to “protect” me from any evil intentions they may have in mind, and again, if it isn’t them (and I admit that you can’t always know for sure who’s on the other end of a computer as it could be anybody) then they’ve done a good job making it look like it’s them.

Back to what they asked me – no, I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t loud, rude, inconsiderate, obnoxious, and hell-bent on rubbing my presence in their faces and making my every move known to them right down to every little hiccup, but I sent them some journal excerpts (which I suspect were altered) that I should not have sent. It may be no excuse, but in my mind, I did it as a way of venting. They really put a world of stress on me.

They probably never knew who sent it but one day they received an anonymously sent card with confetti in it, a joke I learned from a friend who pulled the same stunt on me, knowing they’d open the card and that the confetti would fall out and make a mess. Well, that was me who carried out that lovely deed.

I was cleaning up some of the crap one day that they’d toss over the block wall and was already in a foul mood. My 16-year-old nephew had just been killed in an accident. My sadness and my rage at God and His unfairness along with a glass bottle in my hand at the time wasn’t exactly a great mix. I hurled the bottle over the wall and it smashed all over their carport.

Last thing – right after they moved I called them at the new place. The lady that answered thought I was someone she knew and I went along with it. She probably eventually realized who it really was, but no, I was no angel. It doesn’t compare to stealing one’s sleep, peace and sanity for a few years, then their freedom and bank account for another few years for something I actually did not do while they lied to the police, DA and media, but no, I wasn’t perfect. Happy?

Did it tarnish my view of people of that race? I’ve been asked. Yeah, for a while it did. And while studies show that men in certain groups tend to be a bit aggressive while the ladies in some groups tend to walk around with a chip on their shoulders, I understand there are good and bad in all kinds. If I wouldn’t hate all whites if a white person burned me, then why should I hate all non-whites if one of them burned me?

What did I do? That was another question. When I was really young I mostly babysat and worked in the housekeeping department of hotels. When I was just young I sang and danced. Then I shifted to entering sweeps/contest in my 30s, and writing and languages. I’ve always been into writing and languages, I just didn’t do it professionally till my 40s.

Where have I lived – New England till I was 26, then 12 years in Arizona, 3 in Oregon and going on 4 in Cali.

I speak – fluent ASL and somewhat Spanish. I know a lot of Italian and Portuguese and some German and Esperanto. Other Romance Languages are at least somewhat comprehensible to me as well like French and Catalan.

My best personality traits – I’m smart and I’m damn funny.

My worst personality traits – I’m a bitch and I can be very negative and impatient.

Best physical features – hair and eyes, though I think my days of sitting on my hair are over.

Worst features – definitely the legs and teeth.

Time changes most of us for the better. However, these were the types of people who could care less about others and I’d be willing to bet they still wouldn’t care if I lived or died. On the flip side, I’d be the biggest liar on earth if I said I cared about them. Curiosity is one thing, caring is another. It’s all the same to me if they won $100 or stepped on a sharp nail.

Hey, I just said I could be a bitch, didn’t I?

Later…

Had a couple of strange dreams and one was a bit alarming when you consider my track record for dream premonitions of a bad kind. As I’ve said before, sometimes reality plays out exactly like the dream, other times it’s just a warning of trouble to come but may not be the kind of trouble that occurred in the dream. Well, it was but it could’ve been a lot worse as long as there’s no more bad news around the corner. I don’t have any bad vibes right now, so I hope not.

The strange dream was about the dogs. They were barking their asses off and I yelled out the window for them to be quiet. The landscape looked different than it really is. Instead of hills in the woods, it looked flat and open like the desert. They ignored me and so I ordered them to be quiet again. They still ignored me. Then I looked out to see that while Whiskey was far off in the distance, Brandy was struggling nearby as if she were caught in something.

So I ran to get a better look at what held Brandy trapped, but suddenly we were in the basement of some house and not outdoors. I crept through a large room and then into a smaller room where Brandy was whimpering and struggling to free herself from where she was on the cement gray floor. I looked back at Tom who was right behind me and said, “It’s what I think it is.” Then I looked back at Brandy who sat atop a black king snake and appeared cat size instead of the 50 or so pounds she really is. The snake, even though not poisonous, somehow prevented her from moving.

Tom passed me and touched the tip of the snake curiously. “Come on,” I said. “Let’s just let them die off and then we’ll bag them up.”

That was the end of that dream, LOL.

The worrisome one was of us on the road somewhere. Something was wrong with the car. He stopped, got out to inspect things, then reentered the car saying something about “bear beads.” When I later got up I wondered if that really meant ball bearings.

I shook my head in the dream and said, “It’s like everything on a car is set to expire at the same time.”

“Well, it actually gives out little by little,” Tom said, “but when you only have 100 bucks…”

I started to panic and asked if he wanted me to call my parents for help.

“That’ll be the next step,” he said, and then I woke up, worried that something was going to go wrong.

About an hour later he went to check our debit card and found that the money he transferred to it hadn’t shown up yet. Fortunately, we’re not desperate for money right now so it’s not the big deal it might’ve been if we needed it right away.

Notice it’s always the bad things that come true? I haven’t won that $2500 I dreamt of winning yet and so I’m hoping that now that I’m finally able to sleep straight through and aren’t in constant pain anymore I’ll go back to winning something good every few days or so.

Heard from a lot of people today. Shelley told me she was sorry about my tooth pain and was going back to Maine and partying with friends. LOL, she sounds like she’s still in her 20s.

Andy got the camera, Kim tweeted to me, Mitch emailed me and Tammy left a message asking if I remember her, LOL. I think that was in regard to a discussion I was having with someone about some “friends” not keeping in touch as much as we’d like. I let her know that she wasn’t one of the ones we were referring to.

Last night I finally broke through my writer’s block and hope to keep going with my story, but am still unsure as to how I want to end this one.

In one of Kim’s tweets she said that before the troll deleted her blogs, she had a little hate list going. Alison was #1 and she was #4. Didn’t see my name on it, though. Let me guess, Roman and Kathy were #2 and #3, right?

There was something chilling about hearing about that hate list of hers. She may be a woman and she may be slightly disabled, but don’t most of the people who suddenly go out and start shooting randomly in public have hate lists also? Tom said the crazy people do. But that’s just it; this girl is crazy. I just wonder if she’s the type to one day snap without warning as harmless as she may seem today.

Head beating. Yeah, this next part is going to sound kind of sick. I don’t get it myself. All I know is I’ve been consumed with the desire to beat my head in the wall regularly though I only did it that one time my gums were really hurting. It not only seemed like a distraction and release from the pain but my curiosity was drawn to the idea of it. I can’t do it with Tom around, of course, and it’s harder to bring myself to do when I’m not in pain, angry or depressed. But I wonder about it. Would I die in time if I kept doing it? Who knows for sure, but what I do know is that I don’t want any unwanted effects from it like severe headaches to add to any physical or mental pain I may already be feeling. And I certainly wouldn’t want Tom thrown in jail if I did die. That would be totally something God would do too; protect my perps but have an innocent man charged with my murder that wasn’t even murder.

SUNDAY, JULY 10, 2011 The old lady’s strange chanting woke me up in the adjacent bedroom. I got up and tiptoed into the hall in the early morning hour and peered into her bedroom through the cracked door. And there she was chanting something that she obviously thought would resurrect her dead husband who lay in the bed next to her and who was supposed to have been buried just days ago!

I freaked in my mind and bolted down the old house’s stairs and out the front door. Next thing I know I – Miss Driving Phobia – am guiding an old van onto the street. I guess I got around the block or something when I jumped out of the van only to spin around a second later to find that the old lady had somehow gotten into the van as well and was now in the driver’s seat.

I stared down the double-barrel shotgun she aimed at me. “Get in the back of the van!” she hissed.

“Ok,” I said. But instead, I ran to the nearest house and awoke pounding on their door with both fists.

Yeah, that was one of last night’s goodies from Nightmare Land. I had other dreams too, but can’t remember them.

The good thing is that last night was the first time in 12 days I didn’t wake up in pain. The bad thing is that I’m still in pain anyway. The kind that you’re just aware of to be plenty annoying enough but that doesn’t make you wish you were dead. But this doesn’t mean I’m still not bombarded with more and more thoughts of death lately. Tom’s what’s keeping me alive. That’s the one sucky thing to having someone you love so damn much; knowing you can’t kill yourself no matter how much you may want to because of what it would do to them.

Later…

OMG, I’m so fucking sick of having to blare the sound machines to block out the 6 hours of barking I’m being assaulted with for what’s now become 3-4 nights a week! Damn that mother fucking landlord of ours for not giving a damn about his dogs or his tenants! Damn him to hell and back! I asked Tom to help me kill them, especially Whiskey, and he said he would, but yes really meant no. He’s just too chicken. He’s afraid of getting caught. I can understand this and I would be chicken too, but it’d be plenty worth the risk. How many more years of this shit are we going to be trapped here for and forced to listen to?!?!?!?! Now I have to figure out on my own how to fix the problem myself so I can live in the peace that’s rightfully ours and that we TOLD them we came here for in the first place.

SATURDAY, JULY 9, 2011 Has anyone out there ever been victimized in any way be it in a violent way or by someone who was just plain mean, spiteful, vengeful and vindictive and who may’ve hated you for being who you were, then had a strange sense of curiosity about the person? An odd sort of connection that forever connects the person even though you’ve made up your mind years ago that A, you will never forgive them, probably not even with an apology, and B, they don’t even realize or believe they did anything wrong in the first place and are no doubt hell-bent on forever hating you in return. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

From 1996-2003 I was violated by someone in almost every way but physically and sexually. Then again, they have affected me physically as well for stress does a number on one’s health. They directly or indirectly violated my right to undisturbed peace, my civil right to free speech, my freedom, my bank account, and my emotional state, and then they had someone plant false evidence against me which they later got my prints onto “tie” me to it. Evidence that the person either manufactured on their own or that the perp-played-victim received from someone else they pissed off. Actually, it was a handful of people that screwed me, some of which were authority figures. Yeah, it’s a shame when those we’re supposed to trust and count on to see that justice is done are not only tricked and deceived by the perpetrator into believing they’re the victim but when they don’t want to see the real victim in the first place anyway as some states tend to be automatically biased against certain colors and religions. Sadly, some use their authority as a shield to hide their hatred and a means of lashing out at those they dislike.

As a former victim of reverse discrimination for having the balls to complain about someone with the wrong connections – well, the right connections for them – I swore to myself that I would never again let myself be victimized in a similar way or let the incident scare me from exercising my right to express myself, be myself, and see to it that justice is done. In this case, there will probably never be any real justice. I still believe in karma and that those who aren’t made to answer to a court of law in this life for the perjury and other crimes they’ve committed will be made to answer to a higher court that exists only in the afterlife, but I doubt true justice, in this case, will ever be done. The statute of limitations on most of the offenses has simply expired, much in the favor of my perps.

But sometimes that old don’t-let-‘em-scare-you thing I and others tell myself to live by doesn’t always cut it. Every time I move I still live in the fear that these people will find me and take another shot at making my life hell all over again. I know a hell of a lot more than I did in the year 2000, though, and so it’s not that I fear they would win. Not from a legal standpoint they wouldn’t. But how could I “beat” a bullet if one of them decided to hunt me down and get trigger-happy or something like that? I tell myself I doubt they will since it’s been over a decade now, but how can we really know for sure we’re forever safe from our past tormenters? How?

For a while, I sought a therapist to help me deal with the stress and anxiety I experienced on account of them, but as the therapist herself said, there were no magic words anyone could say to me that would fix or change things nor was there any magic pill I could take.

Others have suggested that forgiveness is the only way to finally put this horrible time behind me, but how do you forgive someone who won’t admit they victimized you? I don’t even know that they know they did what they did. Maybe they truly believe in their minds that they’re the victim. All I do know is that sometimes people take a quick swipe at someone in some way shape or form in the heat of the moment, never thinking of the long-term damage they’re inflicting upon the person. I guess my only hope is in the much-believed theory that in the afterlife a God or something like a God will be the one to “take care of” what they got away with here in this life.

For many years my answer was the same (and not something I’ll share here) when asked how I may react if certain people came to my door. But these days I think I may actually be torn between fearing for my safety (though that was always an issue) and simply shaking my head in pity. Really, one has to feel just as sorry for such degenerates as they do anger. After all, wouldn’t one who practically made a career out of making others suffer have to be suffering really badly themselves?

Back to the whole point of this entry – my curiosity. How can I be curious about this person after all the emotional and financial pain they’ve inflicted upon me? Just what the hell is wrong with me? I’ve heard of Stockholm syndrome where a kidnapping victim sometimes falls for their kidnapper. Ok, so I’m nothing like that. The last thing I would do would be to fall for my main victimizer or those who lent her a helping hand if they suddenly kidnapped me. But I still wonder about this person and why she has done some of the things she’s done. What kind of life has she led? Why is she the way she is? Does she ever remember or think of me? Has she ever – even for a tiny millisecond – felt a shred of guilt or remorse for what she put my husband and I through? Or would she, if someone mentioned my name to her right now, be like Jodi? Jodi who?

The other question I still have to this day is how the hell I could have received a sentence fit for someone that beat the shit out of a dozen people. Even if I’d been 100% guilty of what I was accused of, would the punishment really have fit the crime? Many didn’t think so and many said they felt bad for me along the way. I received many special favors in jail and special privileges and accommodations. And while that was all well and good, these were all people who were as powerless as I was to do anything about it once it was too late for me and I’d been tricked, lied to and manipulated to the point of no return as my naivety at the time was grossly taken advantage of.

I’d love to see the person who lied to the media about me dare to repeat their “stories” under a lie detector test, but I know they would never have the guts to do that. Nor would they admit they threw sexually explicit notes, however poorly spelled and childishly written, into our mailbox slot and committed a federal offense in doing so.

Nearly 4000 days later, and even though I was exonerated in the end (vindicated is another term you could use for it) and my record was stripped of the ordeal, I still gotta look up at the heavens above from time to time and ask – WTF???

Later…

It was another hot, dry day out there today. My dear hubby has continued to be a loving, helpful support that words could never express my appreciation for. Not even mine and I’m supposed to be good with words. But I feel bad for him because I’ve been such a bitch on account of my having such a hard time lately. Last night – or morning – was horrible. I had a huge setback and woke up in pain at 11:30 AM after being unable to fall asleep until 7:30. Why is it that disaster always strikes after 4 hours of sleep? Another reason to hate that number!

Where I was falling asleep earlier and sleeping longer, now I’m having trouble falling asleep to begin with. I was up 21 hours before I finally crashed. Then I ended up falling back asleep after waking up in quite a bit of agony, though I killed it pretty fast, and slept 3 hours longer than I did yesterday. This means I slept most of the day away and didn’t get up till 3:30. When I did I found I was in a lot less pain than I had been in a while. But I’m not stupid. I know it will be back to haunt me soon enough, and I’m going to be left with no choice but to return to the dentist to find out why a whole two weeks after the fact my gums are still hurting. This just doesn’t seem right at all.

I only ran for 10 minutes at 3.4 MPH and burned 51 calories but something is better than nothing. Any little bit we do helps and I’m sure I’ll hit down at 138 pounds within a few days. I still can’t lose 1-2 pounds a week like most people. For me, it’s about a pound every 10 days. I still don’t know how low I’ll go, but I know I want to at least get down to 120.

The ab workouts with the big exercise ball are really helping my arms, shoulders and chest while I’m at it since you’re in a sort of a handstand when you crunch inward. I’m also doing my arms with the resistance bands and my inner thighs with the ball by squeezing the ball with my thighs. I don’t get a wide range of motion that way because the ball’s so big and not that flexible, but I can still feel the muscles working.

Got a reply from Shelley. I told her of a memory I had of us walking along the beach in the early evening. I was around 10 at the time and she was around 18. The beach was relatively deserted. A girl about Shelley’s age came screaming at us about God knows what. Shelley pushed her backward and she fell into the water (we were walking along the shore at the time). I don’t remember a word the crazy woman said; just Shelley later telling someone, “I thought she was yelling at poor Jodi at first.” I asked her if she remembered what it was about, but she didn’t. If that’s really true, I’m kind of surprised. If I remember this incident at 10, wouldn’t she remember it at 18? Or maybe she meant she doesn’t remember what the chick said.

Charlotte’s been diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s, I learned from Andy. How totally sad. :(

I wish to hell they’d come out with tougher stalking laws that they’d actually enforce, too. They need to make it a law that if you’ve told someone not to contact you 2 or 3 times but they continue to do so, then they get a warning. If they do it again, they get fined. Yet again, they get jailed, etc.

I wedged a blanket under the mattress under my ass to level it out and it really helps straighten my spine and keep the backaches away.

Gonna let the rat out for his exercise now and then get some work done around here and just enjoy the moments that I’m not in such pain to the point that I’m almost tempted to do something stupid.

Later…

The troll took a day off from my blog today. But she’s been harassing the hell out of Kim on WordPress. I still think part of that is Kim’s fault and I wonder if she actually likes getting her riled up. She’s got a public blog in which she has a story with a character named “Belle” who is clearly based on Molly. So between Aly’s letter and Kim’s story, the troll is really spazzed out, promising to continue to “spy” on us and comment, contact, and “like” things all she wants.

I have tried to tell Kim that the more she mentions her in her journal or bases a character on her in her story, the more attention she’ll get from the troll. The sicko feeds off of negative attention, for God’s sake, but she can’t seem to see this. I realize she sometimes contacts people even if they haven’t mentioned her for a while, but eventually, she does go back to mentioning her and that refuels her fire. She still “spies” on me, but she hasn’t attempted to contact me in any way and I really think that’s because I refuse to give her the negative attention she craves. What also makes it different for me than for Kim and Aly, thank God, is that they were once friends. But we weren’t.

Tom and I were talking about the laws and why it’s presently so hard to combat online bullies. For one, Molly never threatens. She’s mean, she’s annoying, she’s a liar, but she never makes threats. She’s also dumb enough but smart enough to always use her real name. It’s technically against cyber laws to open an account under a bogus name, though rarely enforced.

Unless it’s bulk spam, threats, phishers or scams, one who complained to the authorities about unwanted email or blog comments from an individual would simply be told – if you don’t want their emails, mark them as spam. If you don’t want blog comments, disable that feature or stop posting things in public where anybody can see/comment. Too bad they couldn’t have told the sickos down south – if you don’t like what you receive in the mail, throw it out and don’t read it. But the concept, as twisted as it may be, is based upon the fact that most people get postal mail but not email.

FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2011 Tom’s out working on some electronics in the shed. I really appreciate how supportive and helpful he’s been throughout all this pain I’ve been dealing with. Today’s better than two days ago but not as good as yesterday, and I honestly have to wonder if I’ll ever again experience a day in my life without pain. Tom says I will, and that our lives will still change for the better, but IDK. I’m still waiting. Sure, things could be worse. A lot worse. But enough is enough already with the same old, same old rut we’ve been stuck in for so damn long! And whenever we do get ahead we get kicked back in no time.

Anyway, the internet is another thing we’ve been struggling with. Thank God Tom set up the phone so we can get online because our connection’s getting so bad and no one wants to help us with it that I’m afraid it’s going to come down to us not being able to get online at all. Not with our computers anyway. As soon as we get the next check we’ll buy a new modem and hope that that’s all the problem is, but we’re both doubtful. We’re still pretty sure it’s their line and that this is the next step toward getting them to fix the fucking thing. As Tom said, there are so many old wires around here and this area will simply never ever have cable.

For those of you who don’t know me well yet, my husband pointed out about 5 years ago to me that he noticed that my moods seem to greatly affect the outcome of things in both good and bad ways but in a more extreme way than most people’s moods do. He believes I psychically will myself to win so much depending on my mood. Well, notice I haven’t won anything very good since getting my tooth pulled? After all, no one’s in a good mood when they’re in pain. All I got was this pass for 4 free days at an RV park in which they’d give us a 7” notebook for taking their tour, and a coupon for a frozen meal for two. The coupon would be nice if we could ever find the product, but the RV thing is useless because we don’t have an RV. The RV park, which has got to be worse than staying in hotels or apartments, is in SoCal anyway. I must’ve entered that one in hopes of whatever the grand prize was which was probably cash or something.

Without consciously doing so, I “hurt” those who piss me off and I bring good to those who treat me well. I just wish I were a better influencer and could win bigger more often.

It not only soured my mood to learn I didn’t win this house they were giving away, but something struck me as all wrong about the winner and that soured my mood even more. They just “happened” to be a young, old-fashioned married couple with a baby on the way. Doesn’t that just seem – IKD – coincidental to you? I mean why am I not surprised it wasn’t a childless couple or a single person? Really, how many married people do you know with kids these days? If you tried to think of 5 married with kids couples under age 40, I’ll bet you couldn’t do it. It’s simply not the norm anymore for married people to have kids. So while I guess anything is possible and they may be telling the truth when they say the drawing was random, it still seems a bit odd in an old-fashioned kind of way.

There’s more I could write about, but I’m not in the frame of mind to do so now. I try to remember every little thought and all that, but sometimes there’s just so much going on at the same time so little is going on.

I could say that Andy’s way excited to get the HD Flip vid cam that we mailed to him today. He said it makes him too, feel like a winner. He offered to reimburse us for the shipping costs, but we told him not to worry about it.

“That’s the first time you told me you’ve loved me this century,” he said when we were chatting on Formspring and by email. LOL, I’ve always loved him and have always seen him as a big brother. He just gets annoying at times with the way he seems to bring God into everything rolls eyes and doesn’t always take my word for things like what happened with our crazy Phoenix neighbors. I should know. I was the one that had to live with them. Anyway, he’s heading back to the beach again and says he’ll contact me in a few days. Maybe he’ll see Shelley this time, fake or not. Shelley, who Marla said that she said I requested to be friends with her on Facebook. Now why did she tell her that??? Has she something against me I don’t know about? Oh well, whatever.

Andy said he told his mom we’re friends again and she said she figured we would be sooner or later since he always mentions reading my blog, LOL.

Just when I go to sign off again yet another thing comes to mind to write about. People have asked why several of my accounts are now private. Well, no real reason other than that I guess I’m just not as open as I used to be. I don’t think some folks need to see some of the wacky shit that goes on my Formspring page, LOL. It just may be a bit much for some people, not that it’s forced on anyone to begin with.

I think I’ll finally call this an entry and go add more tags and descriptions to the Photo Bucket albums I’ve been setting up.

Later…

Well, the troll’s been nosing around on Andy’s Formspring page. I could tell this because she didn’t just make one of her many trips to my blog from Formspring but from Formspring’s “smiles.” Well, she can’t see who’s smiled at any of my answers which means she linked in from someone whose answers I’ve smiled at – Andy’s. Then again, it could’ve been from a “smile” I gave one of Alison’s answers.

The dogs have gone crazy both tonight and last night and my gums still ache, but sometimes it’s worse than others. I totally, totally regret getting this tooth pulled. Instead of helping myself I’ve gone and made things worse. I should’ve done nothing or had a root canal done. Tom disagreed at first saying that root canals are very painful. He was shocked when I told him Andy had 6 and said it was worth it.

Tom just told me it sounded like one of the dogs was hurt or trapped. LOL, I couldn’t get that lucky and if it was true I doubt it’d be the one that does most of the barking. He said he heard yipping, but I just heard typical barking when out of range of the sound machines. We do live in the forest, though, so it could’ve been coyotes. I just wish Jesse would hurry up and get his ass home!

No book sales lately. :( And still stuck with writer’s block on my current story. :(

Anyway, I played around with my photo albums which I may add to or edit later on, then laid down in bed for a few minutes to let the pain pills kick in. Laying still in the dark my mind took off on its own and this time it decided to wander back to the past. Back to Arizona. When I was going through the albums of the land, and especially of the house itself, I balled my eyes out. Yes, I still ball my eyes out even after all this time. Even though our lives were hell there and the area has become very dangerous, I cried for all our lost hopes and dreams. I thought of the things I loved about the place, the land, the climate, etc. I thought about all the goals we had and how excited we were to plant, build and decorate both indoors and outdoors a little at a time over the years to come.

THURSDAY, JULY 7, 2011 Today’s going a lot better than yesterday ended up going, but I know better than to jump the gun. Just because I’m enjoying being at least relatively pain-free at the moment doesn’t mean I’m going to stay that way. I know better. In an hour I may be in agony all over again.

Yesterday started off ok, but then most of the day sucked and I had a horrible night again as well, waking up in pain or due to bad dreams, as well as a mysterious bump that could’ve been anything. At first I thought Jesse had come down here to get something from his shit pile (it was 7:15) and it was his truck door that jolted me awake, but there were no tracks, nor did he come to take our trash. Good, cuz I’d have really chewed his ass out big time if it had been him. It may be his land, but any landlord should have some common courtesy and some decent respect for their tenants, know what I mean? The thought of sharing this land with him and his dogs for many more years, even if this place were a spacious palace, makes me want to scream!

Anyway, yesterday’s pain wasn’t just the gum area where the tooth was yanked, it seemed to be the entire left side of my face from my ear to my jaw to my chin. :( But I can only take so many pain pills so often due to the risk of liver damage. Had I had a gun yesterday I’d have shot myself dead on the spot as I told Christine who always makes me smile when I hear from her. She knows and understands what I go through in life and I don’t mean just the pain part, but the financial, weight and emotional part as well. At least all that KFC yesterday didn’t cause any setbacks in my weight loss (I’m 139 lbs.).

I suffered all day and then crashed around 9pm. I’ve been falling asleep earlier and sleeping longer because my sleep is constantly being split up. At midnight I woke up in pain but not enough to take anything for it. At 2:30 I woke up in agony and took a couple of pain pills. An hour later I took a Benadryl to help me fall back asleep.

Aside from the mystery bump that woke me up (maybe it was his damn dogs which would be running around loose that early since Jesse’s a morning person that’s usually up by 6:00 - 6:30), I had 3 separate dreams where I was telling people I was “afraid I might’ve lost my check.” I got the impression I was working somewhere and it was a work check. I didn’t seem to know Tom in a couple of the dreams. All of them seemed to take place in hotels or two-story houses. The one of Jesse coming down with a blower at 6am was in a two-story house. I ran downstairs to let him have it when Tom was on the phone calling someone about the dead animals placed by our door. I guess it was a couple of bearheads, LOL.

Once my mouth pain was taken care of my back became my tormenter, and I realized I had to do something about this fucking mattress real soon. By the time we save up for a new mattress, my back will kill me if I don’t take care of the problem now. We tried placing the raised airbed on top of the platform, and while it’s more comfortable (though I don’t like the built-in pillow and the way it tips easily) it was simply too high. So as soon as Tom’s own back is better we’re going to disconnect the platform from the headboard shelves and just keep the airbed on the floor. Hopefully, it won’t spring a leak before I can get a new mattress.

We reapplied the Return to Sender spell yesterday. God, do I hope it changes our luck cuz prayer and wishful thinking certainly won’t change it! I just thank God I don’t have it as bad as Alison, who got through her mastectomy surgery ok, according to her BF, but is still going to need chemo. Gosh, something up there really hates her too, only in a different way than it hates me. I wonder if she’ll ever have a better life any more than we ever will. No wonder she too, hates God. I have a feeling, though, that sooner or later, unless I kill myself I’ll eventually be bombarded with health problems.

A part of me envies her. If I could just get cancer all I’d have to do is not treat it and then let it kill me. I wouldn’t have to worry about any botched suicide attempts or living to suffer anymore.

Both yesterday and today I shut the troll out when I happened to catch her presently snooping around in my blog. She even voted on my poll and said she reads it word for word, LOL, and I know it had to be her because she was the only one on the website at the time the vote was made.

Aly said my idea to be a “horrible” friend to her might work, but probably won’t because, in the end, it may cause her to harass me even more. I agree. I think it’s best to just continue acting like I don’t know she exists unless she practically grabs me by the shoulders and gets my attention by way of direct contact.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2011 Dreams about a lack of jobs and money woes, waking up in pain, wanting to die, a mystery animal(s) making the fiercest ruckus I’ve ever heard on the porch at 3am…oh, what a wonderful life I have.

There was some good in it when I got up to find I’d lost two pounds since I started running and dieting last Saturday and then had KFC later on.

But let’s back up to last night. I crashed at 9:30 and awoke in pain at 2:30. Fed up with always being in some kind of pain or another, and fed up with circumstances beyond our control always holding us back in life, I thought about sneaking out to the shed for the bag of charcoal, then lighting a skillet full of it while in the car with the windows closed. I thought about how there was just as much – even more – to die for than to live for. I told myself that if I died I’d no longer have to worry about pain, money, controlling my weight, vision troubles, growing old – nothing. But then being the chicken shit that I am, I chickened out and took a Benadryl an hour and a half later to help me get back to sleep. Tom later told me the car wouldn’t be very smart anyway since it’s got too much ventilation.

Before it had a chance to knock me out I heard a fierce pounding on the porch that startled the shit out of me. It was only for two seconds but very loud. I bolted out of bed sure that Tom had gotten up and fallen or that someone had kicked their way in here. But Tom was sound asleep. I was amazed he could sleep through such loud banging that seemed too loud for a catfight or for skunks or raccoons. It’s possible it was a catfight and they banged against something, but the few objects that are on the porch are too heavy for cats to move, and the plastic chairs are strapped to the railing. It seemed like something hard – like the hooves of a deer – slammed onto the wooden planks. Maybe a deer wandered onto the porch and got its antlers caught in the clothesline we have strung across it and panicked, though it seems odd that a deer would be out in the middle of the night or attempting to walk across the porch unless it was small. There were a few bears sighted not far from here, but it was in a more remote area where bears are more likely. I would think bears would be too big to be on the porch unless they were cubs, and they too, are usually day animals. That leaves coyotes as a possibility. When we checked in the morning, nothing appeared damaged in any way so who knows if we’ll ever know what it was? I just know it wasn’t Jesse’s dogs. They’re always tied up at night.

Despite having the dream of winning big, all that was in the mail when Tom checked today was a couple of small wins. A coupon for a frozen Stouffer’s meal for two and 4 days and 3 nights free at an RV park (just what we need). I guess then you take a tour and they give you a 7” notebook.

I had another two-story dream where I was in a dumpy two-story house. Why do I keep dreaming of dumpy two-story houses???

All this pain and poverty are getting to simply be too much that I wonder if it’s time to reapply the Return to Sender spell. I guess it couldn’t hurt. My whole left side is aching now from my ear to my teeth – ugh. Thanks, God. You’re a real sweetheart.

Eileen asked if I wouldn’t mind helping her hairdresser’s sister to get her own book published on Kindle. I said sure, although there’s not much I can really do other than furnish her with the link to their step-by-step instructions, and tell her not to expect many sales to start with.

LOL, you know you’ve made it as an author when people start asking for your help, even if you’ve still only made 6 lousy sales.

Irene cracked me up the other day “liking” several comments and postcards I left on Nane’s wall.

I was friended on Facebook by another VH girl, but she left right before I hit the scene. I could tell this much just by her never hearing about a girl jumping windows. Sadly, I became a bit of a legend, as I told her, until Renee R took my place by burning the place down a few years later.

The troll’s back to snooping into my blog, as expected. Some entries she only views for a few seconds, making me think she’s just looking for her name or for Alison’s or Kim’s. Other entries she views for longer and I can’t say that she’s reading them or just idling on that page. I inserted a poll asking Do you…

Read my journal word for word? Skim through it to get the general idea of what I’m saying? Simply scan it to see if I’ve mentioned your name? Even the troll can vote, so we’ll see if I get any votes for name searches.

I will admit to having fun with her when I saw she was at my blog at the moment I checked my stats by running and setting it to blog authors only to temporarily shut her out, thus frustrating the hell out of her, LOL. After a while, I set it back to being open to anybody.

Sometimes I wonder if I could actually drive her crazy enough to get sick of me and not want a damn thing to do with me if I actually let her friend me, then made a HUGE pest of myself by sending her tons of messages and then getting on her ass about it whenever she didn’t respond to me right away. Really, what if I became a friend but proved to be such an awful friend? Just the worst friend possible, totally bugging the hell outa her with all kinds of messages, demands and requests. Would she still follow me from site to site like she has since June of last year?

TUESDAY, JULY 5, 2011 I wish I could say that things were better, but they’re not yet quite there. We’re just more organized. We’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and rearranging both indoors and in the shed.

The good thing is that summer has finally set in to stay. We can now leave the windows open all the time. It’s been hot and dry and today will be around 100º. Summer seems to come later and later each year. It took till July this year. What will it be next year, August?

I’m still waking up in pain, but Tom thinks my gums will heal now that I’ve run out of the Aleve I’ve been ODing on. He didn’t realize I was taking way too many, nor did I realize the consequences for doing so. But I guess it thins the blood and that’s why a scab wasn’t able to form over the gums so it could start healing. Every time a clot would film over it would break free. We’re hoping that this will finally be the end of at least this kind of suffering now that I’ve switched to Tylenol and am taking it as recommended. I was just in so much pain is why I was popping the Aleve like crazy, never knowing that ODing on pain pills can actually cause even more pain. I am at least doing better when I’m awake so that much is good. I swear, though, I will never ever step foot into a dentist’s office ever again as long as I can help it!

MONDAY, JULY 4, 2011 Finally heard from Nane yesterday! She said she hasn’t been online in weeks due to not being able to run Windows. She said her friend who usually helps her with computer problems was on vacation and when he got back he told her to get out her recovery CD, but she can’t find it. So she pulled out her old, ancient computer which isn’t wireless, but she got sick of being “disconnected,” so she’s using it till her notebook is up and running again. She says we’ll be back in touch then, though it may be “another little while.”

She didn’t fly below radar on my tracker this time around, so the other German visitors I didn’t get detailed info on May or may not have been her.

I also talked with Shelly this morning who describes herself as a Jill of all trades, roofing, painting, sheetrocking, farming, etc. She has a house in Florence and a good man in her life and is happy.

SUNDAY, JULY 3, 2011 I’m still in pain and I totally regret getting my tooth pulled. Totally. Cavity pain is the better pain, not this. How the hell do people survive that have all their teeth pulled at once??? It does have its moments where it’s better and Tom says it’s finally scabbing over nicely, but it still seems like I shouldn’t be in pain nearly a week later. I may have to call the doctor tomorrow and see about getting on some kind of antibiotic or a stronger painkiller. Tylenol seems to work better than Aleve and Ibuprofen, but I may need a prescription.

I didn’t do as well as I’d like to have done my first day on the treadmill yesterday. I was hoping to run between 3-4 MPH for 10 minutes, but instead I alternated between walking at 2 MPH and running 3 MPH for 10 minutes. More than likely it’s due to all the excess weight I’m carrying than a case of my being out of shape.

Today I ran for 15 minutes and a little faster too, at 3.3 MPH. It’s a shame I only burned 65 calories for all the sweating I did, but I know I’ll eventually run faster and longer and burn even more calories.

The treadmill is easier on my joints than outside running since the surface I’m running on doesn’t have the irregularities that the ground outside has.

I was hoping the troll forgot her way into my Blogger blog, but she just made two attempts to get in. I should’ve figured as much. Tomorrow she’ll be able to view it just fine since that’s when the 14 days will be up that I could block her for. I know she’s viewed my MyOpera blog too, which I’ve stopped updating since the tracker there doesn’t work. I’ve “protected” my Formspring account and I may set the MyOpera blog to ‘friends only’ since I’m not updating it regularly. It’s kind of sad I have to hide so much of my shit in order to not feel so “watched” but at least I don’t get bombarded with friend requests on Blogger. I’ve also got the comments disabled there, so the worst she can do is try to message/friend me on Facebook, or request to follow me on Twitter and Formspring. She can, without permission, start following me on Blogger, but lately she’s been good about not trying to contact or connect with me. Sometimes I’m tempted to fuck with her head but I know that’ll just make things worse. Also, God has proven that He would prefer to protect my perps and not me, so knowing Him, He’d make sure I got in trouble for fighting back in any way shape or form. So I basically have to just lie down and take it and let her victimize me even if it’s been in a more mild way than it could be.

SATURDAY, JULY 2, 2011 Been so busy that I haven’t had time to write about every little thing going on, including two days ago when Jesse drove me crazy for a few hours. When I heard the bulldozer start up I said to myself, “Come on, it didn’t rain that much the other day.” But sure enough, the rude, inconsiderate bastard did both driveways without having the common courtesy of calling to see if it was a good time for us. Especially being early in the morning.

Today’s the first day so far that I haven’t had to take anything as of yet for my tooth. The plan was to call the doctor on Monday if it’s not better by then, but it looks like it’ll be ok after all. It hurt a little when I got up yesterday but wasn’t that bad until we hit Carl’s Jr. after going shopping. I guess the strawberry soda aggravated it. It hurt like hell for the rest of the day.

I guess I just jinxed myself because it’s starting to bother me again. Every time I think I’m through the worst of it, it bothers me again.

Shopping was fun but it was getting to be a zoo by the time we left since we couldn’t go too early because of a burned-out headlight which he replaced later on. He also got Freon to charge the AC.

We got some other odds and ends we needed like lotion and shampoo, and I got a few fun things like scented body mists.

The best thing, of course, is our new treadmill! It’s so nice to have an electric one! I’m just so sick of the serious lack of space in here but know that renting is not only smarter and safer, but that if we ever have more space in our lives, it’s probably years and years away. I still think that the more we fix it up, even if it’d be fixing someone else’s place up and not ours, the more I may want to stay so as not to let others enjoy the time and money we invested into this place. And I really, really want to get myself to want to stay here!

Anyway, the treadmill is simple to use and goes from 1 to 10 MPH. It has some pre-programmed workouts, too. To begin with, I probably won’t be able to run faster than 3-4 MPH for 10-20 minutes. Tom can’t run at all cuz it’s hard on his joints while running’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. I don’t see myself running for an hour a day, but if I can do 20 minutes a day and watch my calories, I should have no problem getting my weight back down. It’s up again at 141 and I know that if I don’t do something about it, it will just keep on climbing away. It’s so nice to be able to work out and not have to worry about the weather!

We had quite a clean-up job afterward breaking down the giant boxes the treadmill and the camping prizes came in. And the packing pellets too, till I realized that most Styrofoam breaks down in water, then dumped it all in the tub and slowly hosed it down the drain.

Andy mentioned wanting the flip camera I won. We agreed to send it to him since we’d only get $30 - $40 for it, but he just took off for the beach and won’t be online till Tuesday, so we’ll discuss it then.

I did end up cutting my hair yesterday after all, and did a pretty good job for someone who doesn’t know what she’s doing. I simply made two ponytails on each side and cut them to my shoulders. Tom will even it out later if it needs it. My hair’s so curly that it really doesn’t matter if it’s not perfectly even. It’s just nice to have a break from such long, heavy hair that was such a pain in the ass to live with.

Had another dream that Nane, who appears to have visited my blog again, and I exchanged messages. I think we were mostly talking about my current book and that I was “officially” abandoning the story for lack of ideas on how to end it. I just might do that too, if I don’t figure something out soon!

FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2011 HitsLink is obviously not going to get its shit together anytime soon, so I’ve stopped blogging at MyOpera for now. I’ll just use Blogger and MD.

Yesterday the camping prize pack came in a huge box. Included along with the gift cards were a couple of folding chairs, long forks for grilling, a flashlight, a first aid kit, an HD video camera, some games, a Yogi Bear DVD, a map of campsites and a cookbook. Not things we could actually use for the most part, but still fun to get. It was nice how they had several things gift-wrapped. Tom felt like they were belated birthday presents, LOL.

In about 45 minutes we’ll be going to Walmart. Here’s to hoping they have the treadmill we want in stock. If not we’ll have to order it online.

Yesterday I was bummed out that after 3 days my gums were still in pain, and I worried I may have what’s called a dry socket where the gums don’t heal by fleshing over the extraction site. But after doing a visualization spell upon falling asleep, I woke up with a little hope that it just might be getting better after all. I was worried I’d have to get stitches or something. Still, had I known I’d be in more pain afterward instead of less pain, I would never have bothered getting the damn tooth pulled. I’d have just dealt with the cavity pain. Again it’s like I’m being punished for trying to help myself.

I’m thinking of cutting my hair to my shoulders more and more these days and having less and less patience for dealing with long hair. I’m just sick of it getting in the way of everything, taking forever to dry, being a pain to brush out, etc. I’ve already set my records with it. I’ve sat on it, I’ve damn near tripped on it when bending over, and I’m just sick of it.

Anyway, I got up at 2:30 this morning, entered sweeps, and then took a nap. We’ll be leaving for the store around 7:00.

[julia-monet]

i hate my fucking phone

i feel sick. i feel dead. i have this gnawing inside of me. i want to fcking live again. like i did when i was a child. and the world was brighter and more exciting.

i hate what my life has become. i hate what this world has become. i don’t want to sound corny, i’m not trying to have a jaden smith moment. but sometimes i wonder if we’re living all wrong.

honestly, i think we are. no, i’m sure of it. although, i don’t know if i’d say we were ever living right. not society as a whole, anyways. i think the only time we ever truly lived was in our youths. although today you see children who can’t even speak yet getting phones shoved into their faces. jesus christ.

i broke my arm a few weeks ago- had to take off work. and i live in ireland where it rains more often than not. that means that i've been stuck inside for ages. and the whole time i’ve been on my phone.

the headaches have just now caught up with me. they came on so strong that i feel like i might keel over and get sick. the same way that you would feel if you ate a whole box of chocolates in one sitting. and then you swear that chocolates are the absolute most revolting thing in the world. thats how im feeling about my phone.

but see, you can finish a box of chocolates, and then you’re done. but the vast expanse of tiktok and instagram and youtube shorts is so infinite that it’s impossible to reach the bottom.

anyways, i am now so revolted by my phone that i want to get rid of it. throw it out the window. but something like that seems so insane, so extreme, i wonder if it’s even possible.

if i repeated that to someone 50 years ago they would think that i was utterly ridiculous. it wasn’t even that long ago that we never had smartphones, so why does it seem impossible to let them go?

anyways, this is what i would love to do. i’ll get a flip phone for calls and messages because let’s be real- that is important. and i’ll get a digital camera as well, to document all my memories. i’ll keep my computer, as i do need it for school and work, but i feel like it’s a lot harder to be sucked into a vacuum of brain rot on the computer than it is on a phone.

and then what will i do with my time? maybe i’ll go on walks without my headphones. without constantly checking my step count. without swiping through tiktok. i might draw. or paint. or write in my journal. when i eat i’ll focus on the food in front of me, and i’ll eat mindfully. i’ll go to bed at a regular time. and i’ll wake up feeling refreshed and well rested.

i wonder how long it will take me for life to start feeling real again. for me to feel grounded and present. to stop comparing my face to instagram filters. to notice things like sunsets. to hear the leaves rustling in the wind or the cars driving past my window. for all of my five senses to come back in full force and let me be alive once more. for life to feel like it did when i was a child.

that sounds beautiful. but not realistic. and i don’t know why.

[nyxsalter]

i hope that bitch fucking dies. happy birthday my ass. friend my ass. how is that a fucking friend? i know i saw something i shouldn’t have but in my defense it happened by mistake while i was switching accs, but what’s her excuse? and what’s yours? she’s been ignoring you for over a year and you suck it up like it’s nothing. you’d go back crawling to her if she gave you the shittiest answer now, wouldn’t you? she’s such a bitch but you don’t care, you’re so attached to her like your life depends on her and i wouldn’t be surprised if you gave up on me for her at some point, i always knew i was just a cheap ass replacement, i knew you’ve been using me all this time there’s no use denying the obvious. you always got mad at me and treated me like shit whenever i was upset and took some time alone when all i ever hoped for is to hear you say that you do love me. funny; you barely do it unless i say it first or i ask for it or something, you never say it just because you want to. you don’t trust me, you don’t even believe that i am a decent human being who can keep their promises, to you i’m a liar, i’m a cheater. you won’t “force yourself on anyone” when it comes to me but you begged her to reply to you for months and you still didn’t forget about her now, you even remembered to you wish her happy birthday. what a joke. she can do whatever she wants and live happily, have her other bitchy friends, ghost you and treat you like you never existed in her life, and you’re fucking okay with it? oh my, and then you wonder why do you feel pathetic. why do i have to deal with your misery if you’re the one who won’t fucking give up on an asshole bitch just like she didn’t hesitate to delete you from her life? of course you’ll feel like you’re not good or enough if you stick to people who treat you like you’re worthless, or should i say they don’t treat you at all? ha. why am i the one getting the shitty treatment then? what the fuck? you feel disgusted and sick when you remember my mistakes which means you’ll never be able to truly forgive me, but her? what about her? she can do as many mistakes as she wants but you’ll keep wanting her in your life, even hope and try to get her back? you don’t even count it as a mistake do you? you’re probably oh so compassionate, you understand that she doesn’t feel like talking or she’s busy, right? for a fucking year and a half. the hypocrisy. and you want me to believe you give a damn about me? bullshit. why can’t you forget about that bastard pig? i hope that ungrateful whore dies atrociously and rots in hell and i hope you forget that she ever fucking existed. i wish i didn’t see this i really wish i didn’t because i’ve been sobbing like a pathetic piece of shit over it for hours, i fucking hate it i fucking hate myself i wish i wasn’t so late i wish i stood a chance i wish you could believe and trust me i wish you were less cruel on me i wish i was something good enough to make you forget about these filthy bastards who don’t deserve you.

03.16.24 04.42

shit’s making me so mad i can literally feel my head overheating and my blood’s boiling but i���m still so depressed i can’t stop crying. this is ridiculous. why didn’t i jump, i could’ve been dead by now. still, i miss her so much. and i’m scared if i talk i’ll mess things up. just why am i like this.