#evelinawood

[evelinawood]

I could list my accomplishments

I could list my failures

At the end of the day it wouldn’t matter

I’m simply a soul having a human experience

The highs, the lows and all the in-betweens

Life has no guarantees

It is what we make it

Little steps when you’re committed to growth

Lead to big epiphanies if you’re paying attention

- Evelina Wood 2021

[evelinawood]

I first posted these words in 2015, and each year I repeat the post hoping somehow that the connection, the unity and the love would find its way back into the heartbeat that is America.... we all make a choice every damn day in how we treat each other, how we connect and how we love...

As we come to the 21st anniversary of a horrific day etched in the memory of America, I look back and remember how all Americans stood together, worked together and were united for a short time. I remember how we joined together in understanding and brotherhood, loving and looking out for each other. We said hi, held doors, remembered manners, respected each other and CONNECTED. Race didn’t matter, political affiliation didn’t matter...

Today, 21 years later, I am saddened and heart-broken that we are even more divided then ever. Each year the division has gotten worse. I see our country distracted by technology, the media and hate toward one another.

May all of us remember how the peace, brotherhood, unity & LOVE felt in those weeks and months after 9/11/01. May we find our way back to that feeling of love and brotherhood without a national tragedy, but instead because we are all American and most of all, because we all are HUMAN.

[evelinawood]

That frustration you feel? Give it to me

That ache in your heart? Let me be your salvation

That doubt you have? Let me kneel before you and remind you just how strong you are

Let me adore you and help you pick up the pieces when you feel like you’re falling apart

Let me cherish you so you can feel my love seeping into every part of you

Let me worship you the way you worship me

© Evelina Wood 2022

[evelinawood]

Who I was years ago scattered in the winds of those I chose to surround myself with

I let them rip me, tear me up and leave me in tatters, thinking I deserved the devastation

I thought I had to prove I was worthy of affection, love and intimacy

So very naive and trusting, I rearranged everything for them

I let go of all the hopes and dreams I had etched in my heart

Hoping that one day I could make them see, make them feel what was between us

What I didn’t know was that their addictions were in charge of the mass destruction thrown at me

I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I rediscovered the girl I once was

I am now a force to be reckoned with

The years of pain and struggle have forged me into steel

I will no longer beg for attention, affection or intimacy

I will stand up and step away, middle finger high in the air

No looking back, I know there’s nothing for me there

© Evelina Wood 2022

[evelinawood]

Paradox

Within me lies two archetypes who are constantly battling each other.

I am an Ice Queen at first glance. Cold, blunt and seemingly without warmth. Head held high, focused and unapproachable. Some might even call me a bitch.

Layers of ice have formed a fortress around my heart and soul. Around a tiny ember that was buried underneath the ruin and ashes of who I was. Each wall erected from a painful lesson I had to learn about being too much, and for always wearing my heart on my sleeve...

Insecurities, doubts and anxiety began to quickly fuse together, molding themselves into bricks of cold and ice around that tiny little spark. The Ice Queen quickly came to power and erected those walls to shield and to protect what was left of my heart, what was left of me.

Underneath the cold exterior, deep within the ice fortress lies the Phoenix. She is my heart and soul. The tiny spark that the Ice Queen saved.

The Phoenix is full of fire, passion and courage. A badass who slays her dragons and rises again and again no matter the challenge. The Phoenix now burns so bright that nothing but the Ice Queen stands in her way.

The Phoenix is my fierce love, loyalty and devotion. The Ice Queen is my self-preservation, ego and pride.

The Ice Queen refuses to let even a few of the layers of emotional cold and ice melt away, lest she risk losing it all once again.

The Phoenix fights to break loose every single day, to fully come into herself. Yet, her full warmth and power remain stunted and trapped until the Ice Queen decrees that she is truly enough to be released from her icy cage.

It is all or nothing; it is always ice or fire that I feel. I long for both to find a balance....

© Evelina Wood 2021

[evelinawood]

You can spend days, weeks, months and even years mired in the grief of all the what ifs and what-could-have beens. But one day, it will all suddenly hurt less as the burden of grief falls away. You’ll slowly stand, your head held high. You’ll dust yourself off and move forward. The mantle of all that held you back will disintegrate behind you; it will no longer shackle you in place. You’ll never forget, but you know you’ll never be on your knees begging to go back in time ever again. You won’t understand acceptance until it changes you forever.

©️Evelina Wood 2021

[evelinawood]

I wrote this on my website two years ago, before the tenth anniversary of one of the most painful events in my life. Some days still absolutely hurt more than others, but every year around this date I fall apart a bit.

I don’t know how you feel about the Other Side, but I am a firm believer that it exists. There’ve been too many synchronicities over the years, not just with Justin’s death, but others in my family I was close to, for me not to believe that those we love who have passed away, somehow communicate with us when we need to feel them the most. The other night I was listening to Octane on SXM like I do every night and a song came on that I’d never heard before... it literally stopped me in my tracks.

As I listened to the lyrics, I knew I was meant to hear this song at that moment in time.

In these moments of lost in torment

When the vast skies don't seem to call to you

When the weight of this world press down

And the stars have fallen like tears

I am with you always

From the darkness tonight to the morning

I am with you always

From the life until death takes me

Monuments build to remembrance of me

The monuments fade and fall in decay

The memories of all that remains

As far as east is from the west, remember

I am with you always

From the darkness tonight until the morning

I am with you always

From the life until death takes me

Missing you and loving you always JLB... 5/25/75 - 2/17/2009 ❤️❤️❤️

[evelinawood]

I’ve lost my way many times in these four decades… the journey has been everything from enlightening to soul-rendering.

I’ve torn myself to shreds

Ripped apart pieces of myself

Tossed them away

As if they were worthless

Just to please others and to fit in

I lost myself trying

To be what I thought I had to be

Wearing masks and facades

That never quite fit

A pile of scraps lying before me

They are all that’s left of who I once was

I’ve been stitching them back together

Lesson by lesson

My patchwork

Made of heartache, shame, fear and grief

My vulnerability laid bare to all

I am restitching myself back together

Rediscovering my worth

Finding my value

Learning I am more than my accomplishments

I don’t need a pedestal

I’m only human

I don’t ever want to be perfect

These lines of thread I’m using

To stitch myself back together

Show the imperfections

The points where I broke

The edges jagged and threadbare

They’ve been patched

With love

Forgiveness

Acceptance

Boundaries

Worth

For myself

I am becoming who I was always meant to be

© Evelina Wood 2022

[evelinawood]

I am a contradiction inside and out... One minute I'm listening to Garth Brooks and The Judds, then Five Finger Death Punch and Pantera are blasting through my speakers.... I'm introspective and quiet or I am loud and wild... confident and courageous or self-defeating and anxious... I can be serious in one minute and silly a moment later... I can rage like a hurricane or whisper as quiet as a breeze... I love hard but will walk away with no regrets when I need to... I am a strong and independent woman packed within a little 4'11' frame...