#eunhye.text

[cherr-e]

[ 𝘦𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘺𝘦’𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘪𝘹 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘴, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦. ] 

part one? let me know if you want another section of her diary.

— the .mp3′s i’d recommend while reading 

some sand, ibi etude, j.b experience, ibi 

all entries are in french, this is just a translated version. 

set in 2019 - the six months before junmyeon and eunhye broke up.

𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞 [ back to paris ]

I decided that the only form of documentation I’ll have on this trip back home, is my film camera and the leather journal I found in a small shop next to the café I frequented. The last time I had a diary was never, I always wanted to keep one yet - words never came to my mouth. No matter how much I struggled that day, or how many books I had read in my life - an entry was terrifying to me. I was scared that people would dote in, flip the pages filled with my secrets and my vulnerability. But why should I make diaries a time only for anxiety to form into words, negativity to come to life. As I’m sat on this 11 hour flight back home to mama, my cousin, my brother and the life I grew up with. I want this little diary in my life - to be filled with happiness, sadness, embarrassment, regret, boredom. I want this piece, to come to life. I want my kids to read it, learn from their mother who is not so perfect. What a peculiar way to start this diary, I’ll meet this paper again back home. In the small bedroom I had missed so dearly. See you, my new friend. 

→ I’m back, sitting on the wooden chair my mum hadn’t changed. Everything is the way I left it, pictures of younger me feat a few of my primary school friends. My timetable from my old school is still on these walls, the little scratches I had raged upon my desk were still there. Everything was how it was, and although I hated everything at the time - I am now happy. My old self hated everything, yet now my older self is wishing to go back to the times before anxiety had become part of my life without realising it. Tomorrow I’m set to meet my only close friend in Paris, Chanel. I still managed to keep in contact with her for all of these years - she’d always wanted to become an artist. Chanel wanted to be the first successful black artist who’d made people weep and happy from her pieces. She wanted to be the Van Gogh of the 21st century. I’d support her all the way, and I’m proud to say she’s one of my most talented and beautiful artist and person I know. I love her - platonically of course. Enough about Chanel, now I say goodbye for the long day I had today. All I want is to sleep - so goodnight friend. Meet you hopefully tomorrow. 

𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐰𝐨 [ dior and chanel ]

I woke up today morning, told Mama that I’d be having breakfast outside as I wanted to explore the centre of Paris. I never really did it alone - my mum would make Eunbyul, Élie and I go to the centre of Paris on special days. Like the week before Christmas or when Eunbyul passed a test. I thought I’d do it alone when I’d get older - yet I had wanted to become an idol, not desperately though as I thought I’d come back and live a simple life. Yet SM saw my potential and threw me into Red Velvet. The experiences we learnt together, the fights we fought, the laughter we shared - I wouldn’t exchange it for the world. I wish the members were with me, learning about Paris as I told them all the stories. Especially in this cafe, it’s chilly out right now but I like it here. The cars around me are not too loud, the wind soothing my soul - I get too poetic sometimes but I don’t care it’s one of my favourite traits of mine. Even Junmyeon agrees so, he’d like it here. My mum would’ve already fed him every Korean food she’d try to make, so he wouldn’t feel homesick. He was the first to call as soon as I woke up, wishing that I’d enjoy my time here and send him pictures of Paris. Everything right now is great. 

→ Chanel and her friend Dior were amazing, I just realised how much we missed each other. All the stories she had to tell, showing me pictures of her newborn. Dior was brilliant, she had complimented my album a lot and said that I was the prettiest person she had ever met. Of course I laughed, I was flustered. Tonight, I realised how awful my French speaking skills had gotten. Chanel reassured me I was doing fine, yet all I wanted to do was stop speaking. Chanel forced me to speak, wanting to know about Junmyeon and how idol life was like. What drama had happened behind the scenes, she joked about all the rude ones - making sure I had laughed. At that moment, in the dim restaurant I knew that I wanted to come back to Paris after I’d settle down - made my mark as part of Red Velvet. My life as an author would be here - in Paris. I just wish no one would break that dream of mine. Especially myself.

𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞 [ ella ]

Long time no see diary, thank God I bought a small size of you with only a few pages. Life got busy during the three weeks that I did not write in. A lot of my relatives had come by, making sure I was okay. Élie invited me to his friend’s house party and it was nice - I hate parties and this was one was an exception. Everyone was chill, some knew who I was and some did not. The people who knew me did not ask for pictures, but asked okay questions. Nothing too threatening to my career. Why am I even worrying about my career right now? I don’t know, if I said something wrong SM would get me into trouble, the members would be affected. But Élie reassured me and said that there was nothing about what I said that would alarm anyone. I’m too thankful for my older brother. I have to go now, my cousin and her daughter are here! The last time I had seen Ella was 2 years ago, I hope she’d remember me.

→ Ella did remember me! She knew me as the Aunty with dimples, I’d take that as a compliment...Anyways. Ella is still as cute as ever, her cute pink tutu-like skirt alongside her velvet sweater made her seem like a princess. She definitely would shoot up in Korea as she’d grow older. Yet - I don’t want her to work there in the celebrity and entertainment business. Everyone in these businesses, no matter what country would ruin her innocence and beauty from the inside. She’s too small, too fragile. Enough with the depressing talk, I don’t even know why I still am remembering stuff that make me weak. I’ll work on that here. 

Ella, wow. I’m probably her favourite aunty now, and I’m glad. Sorry Eunbyul! She was stuck to me all evening, crying buckets as her mother dragged her out of our small cottage just outside Paris. We scheduled a shopping date tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to it. Ella and I made dresses for her barbie dolls today, we baked cookies and I handed her the gifts I’d brought her from Korea. Books! Her Korean shouldn’t be erased, and I want her to grow and love books. Because they will save her. I don’t know if she’d enjoy them, but it seemed to me that she’s trying her best to read the Hangul letters. Not only did I meet Ella today, I met baby Damon. He’s around 10 months old, a cute little boy with the cutest smile. Guess these two kids love me, and for once I’m going to say it: I love Me. I may sound weird to say this based off a child’s fleeting attention but, they made me realise. I’m a pretty good person, I just have evil people in my head. I’m yawning as I write this, don’t know when we’ll meet again buddy...see you soon.