#estrogen levels are back down?? They shot way up when I went to patches...

[peggle2speedrun]

bleh

[elasticmatchbox]

i was pregnant

I was pregnant, and now I’m not. 

We have this narrative of miscarriages. Pain, blood, shock, grief. Silence. 

We don’t talk about it. We don’t share our experiences. We aren’t given space to mourn. We pull each other aside to divulge our own histories, our own pain. We whisper quietly after the topic has come up casually. We send a meaningful text or email, after the fact, to express our condolences and solidarity. We don’t tell people about our pregnancies because the risk of a miscarriage is so high, and then we don’t talk about the miscarriage because no one knew about the pregnancy. We suffer silently, we grieve alone. 

My first positive pregnancy test was a Tuesday morning. We’d tested over the weekend and watched the HCG levels from my trigger shot go down to zero. After that, any line that showed up the next few days was a positive result. Tuesday morning we woke up at 5:45 to test. I’d get up, pee on a stick, put it down, and Elisabeth would start the timer. We’d wait our three minutes, then she’d pick up the test from the bathroom and carry it to the light in the kitchen. We’d hold hands and suspend our breath, and look on the count of three. And sure enough, Tuesday morning, a faint blue line appeared. 

Wednesday morning, faint blue line. 

Thursday morning, faint blue line. 

The box says we’re pregnant. Forums, conventional wisdom, everyone says a line is a line and a line means pregnant. It wasn’t getting darker, but we read account after account of lines staying faint until weeks into the pregnancy. 

Thursday we went to the hospital for a blood draw. This was our big day, our beta test. Today was the day we confirm the results we’ve gotten at home. They took my blood and I went to work. All day I checked my phone between sessions, watching for a missed call. At 3pm, I got a voicemail. I called Elisabeth from my office and we listened together, breath suspended. “Congratulations, Katherine. You are pregnant.” She immediately burst into tears and I gasped, unable to feel the floor beneath me. We listened to it over and over, letting it sink in. This is it. We’re pregnant. 

We got instructions for a follow-up test, two days later. We ordered What to Expect When You’re Expecting, on rush delivery. Elisabeth picked me up at work, bouquet of flowers in hand. We ordered a pizza to celebrate. I referred to myself as “we” and repeated “I’m pregnant” under my breath. Elisabeth kissed my belly over and over. We giggled, we cried. We drowned ourselves and each other in gratitude. We’d finally made it. 

IVF had been grueling. My body responded well to the drugs, which produced great results but made every inch of me, inside and out, hypersensitive to the world. I cried constantly. My breasts grew a full cup size over the course of a week. My belly puffed out as my ovaries swelled. Ultrasounds became even more excruciating than usual. Being injected with so many hormones made me feel tiny and desperate to be held. It also made the physical act of holding me too painful to bear. But at the end of it all, we had seven frozen embryos and a perfect, healthy embryo burrowing into my body and making a home. It was worth every second. 

Saturday morning we took another pregnancy test. Faint line. Still positive. Still pregnant. We walked to the hospital. We talked about ways to tell my parents, baby names, maternity leave plans. I continued to murmur “I’m pregnant” to myself and touch my belly whenever I was alone. We finished the second blood test and came home to What to Expect at our door. We dove in and skimmed through, marking the chapters we wanted to read first. We made a healthy lunch and Elisabeth wrapped me up in blankets, wanting “us” to stay warm. 

And the phone rang. 

“We’re so sorry, Katherine. Your levels have dropped. It looks like a biochemical pregnancy. Come back on Monday for more bloodwork. I’m so sorry.” 

If my heart could twist itself into a knot and drop out of my chest, it did in that moment. We collapsed into each other. My sobs overtook the room and my heart crumbled. I cried for hours. 

And for three excruciating days, nothing happened. No cramps, no bleeding. No outward signs of a miscarriage. Just the knowledge that the little thing inside of me, which had grown to the size of a sesame seed, was no longer viable, and we were waiting for it to go. It could be days, or weeks. My sesame seed was dying inside me and all I could do was wait for it to be over. 

Monday’s blood test confirmed that I was no longer pregnant. Tuesday the pain started, and I had one of the worst periods I’ve ever had in my life. The pain was unreal. With endometriosis, cramps start in my uterus, and then extend to my lower back. The pain goes up to my stomach and throbs every time I eat or drink. The endo is growing on my sciatic nerve, so I get burning nerve pain for days that makes laying down and sitting unbearable. And during all of this, in the pain and the blood and the shock and the grief, my little sesame seed left my body and I was no longer pregnant. 

I was five weeks pregnant, and I hadn’t told anybody. A few friends knew where I was in the process, and knew if I wasn’t bubbling over with happiness, that something had gone wrong. I confided in a few close friends at work that I was having a miscarriage, but the rest of the world knew nothing. 

I was five weeks pregnant, and then I wasn’t. And while my little sesame seed never got the chance to become a baby, it was a relationship, and it was a loss. The whole idea is that you keep your pregnancy a secret until the risk for miscarriage is over, but it leaves the grief of miscarriage, when it happens, disenfranchised, with no place to simply be. I went to work like everything was fine. I made small talk with clients, with strangers, as my body purged itself of a pregnancy that was no longer viable. The heaviness of that loss hasn’t left me, and I am still in mourning over what could have been. 

Today we would have started telling people. Today would be the end of my first trimester, when it would be safe to share our news with the world. Today I could announce that after four failed IUI cycles, surgery, and IVF, we were finally pregnant. And instead, I’ve had two more mind-alteringly painful periods and am back on hormones for yet another try. Our What to Expect book is tucked away in a corner of our home where I can’t find it, because I couldn’t bear to look at it until it was finally time. The little stocking we had saved to announce to our parents that our family was growing has been put away for another year. The picture of our embryo, the one that could have been, is buried deep in Elisabeth’s pile of papers so I won’t accidentally stumble on it and ruin my own day. Today I took my estrogen pills, my baby aspirin, changed my estrogen patch, and waited one more day for our next little miracle to make a home in my body. 

I don’t want to be silent anymore about how hard this process is. My heart has broken over and over again, as my dream for a family gets pushed away by another month. My life, my career, my dreams are on hold as I do everything I can in a process where I have almost no control. I don’t want to carry this secret anymore. I don’t want my infertility and miscarriage to be shameful and guarded and things that don’t get talked about. I don’t want to hold this by myself. Miscarriage is an excruciating and totally disenfranchising process of grief, and I don’t want to perpetuate silence around it any longer. 

I was pregnant, and now I’m not, and I’m really fucking sad and I’m still grieving and I’m not sure I’m ready for another try but I’m pushing through the doubt and I’m scared and excited and nervous and it’s constantly on my mind and I am equal parts so upset with my body and trying to encourage my body to do this thing it’s supposed to do naturally and it leaves me in a constant state of uncertainty about what happens next and I don’t want to be quiet about that any more. I had a miscarriage and I lost my pregnancy and I am grieving. 

Pain, blood, shock, grief. No more silence. 

[kurtwarren54]

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME. 

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN. 

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically  my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day. 

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting. 

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler. 

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward. 

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting. 

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can. 

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment. 

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling. 

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

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[elizabethcariasa]

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME. 

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN. 

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically  my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day. 

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting. 

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler. 

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward. 

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting. 

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can. 

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment. 

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling. 

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

[smokeybrandreviews]

The Force is Weak

The Star Wars Experience at Disneyland has grossly under performed. Merchandise sales is at an all time low. The Last Jedi and Solo were both bombs. Rise of Skywalker is getting all kinds of side eye from the community. It’s wild to see this happening because i love Star Wars almost as much as i love Marvel. Skywalker and friends was a sure thing. How the f*ck did Disney f*ck it up? If you listen to Iger and Kennedy, it’s an combination of toxic male masculinity and Star Wars fatigue. While that is true, it’s not the major problem with this franchise. I’ve poke on this before but it’s been several years and i have a much larger cross section to judge. In my humble opinion as a fan of the   franchise since the 80s and a life long lover of geek culture, i wanted to dive back into this train wreck in a galaxy far away.

Problem: Kathleen Kennedy

Kennedy is the biggest problem Star Wars has encountered in a long time. She is the one-eyed, drunk, captain of this capsizing ship and she keeps throwing people overboard instead of actually patching the many, many, leaks that will follow. She’s the intern that was around that got Lucas his coffee for decades and came along in her position as a grandfathered in stipulation for the overall sale. Kennedy is not a creative. Kennedy does not know the lore. In fact, she has gone out of her way to declare her disdain for it. The decades of creative position outside of the initial 2 trilogies and Clone Wars simple doesn’t count, even though there are fan favorites and intriguing stories told in that now ambiguous mire. Kennedy seems to want to erase what Star Wars was and elevate what it’s going to be; What she is in charge of. It feels like she wants to be seen as equal to Lucas and that’s never going to happen.

Fix: Move Kennedy to a strictly executive position.

Get her out of the day-today. Effectively banish her to oblivion and install someone to take up that Kevin Feige roll. Maybe the cat that is in charge of Star Wars TV, Dave Filoni. You need someone who knows the lore and has a respect for it. Kennedy is neither of those things. That chip on her shoulder from years of being dismissed by the creatives at Lucasfilm has her literally dismantling everything the fans love because she hates it. I understand she has a contract but the fact that she gave Ryan Johnson a trilogy worth of Disney bucks after the way Last Jedi went, is very telling of where her head is. Basically Kathleen Kennedy needs to be removed from her responsibilities of the Day-to-Day of the Star Wars machine. She is the biggest problem. Literally everything wrong with this franchise begins and ends with her.

Problem: Rey

I don’t have a huge problem with Rey but i understand why everyone else does. Rey is mad OP for no other reason that “female empowerment” which is ludicrous because one of the strongest females ever set to film in Leia, is literally IN the same movie where Rey is introduced! How do you f*ck up the evolution of the next generation so hard when the blueprint is wlking around the set with you? Gender politics aside, i’ll get to that in a minute, Rey is more a prop that a character. We don’t know anything about her. At all. She’s super good at everything she attempts with no explanation. Like, a few throwaway lines here and there would fix the narrative laziness about her easily. “How can you fly this ship so well?” “I’ve been on Jakku my entire life. I’ve had time to study.” This exchange makes the fact Rey can fly the Falcon plausible. “How do you fight so well?” “i can kind of feel the flow of battle. I told you i can take care of myself.” This establishes Rey has a sense for battle that can’t be explained, ie. The force. Of course, this doesn’t explain how she bested Kylo or embarrassed Luke with a stick but it plants seeds for the real fix.

Fix: Rey HAS to be a Skywalker.

Not a Solo. Not a clone. Luke’s kid, specifically. Anything less will go down like glass with the fans. I think that’s where JJ was going when he wrote the treatment for these films. Objectively, that’s where it had to go. Star Wars is a Skywalker story. You can do so much with that line. Hell, the Expanded universe, f*cking Legends now i guess, did a wonderful job with all of it. Rey needs to be the child that Luke had in secret. Maybe those junkers stole her. Maybe he gave her away to keep her safe. In order to save that character, Rey NEEDS to be a Skywalker. This would only elevate her in the mythos, not belittle her accomplishments. But, again, Rey is a Kennedy creation. She can’t be linked to Skywalker in anyway because she’s hers and not his. This mentality is a mistake and it’s crippling one of the most compelling aspects of this brand new take on the franchise.

Problem: Gender Politics

Oh, this can of worms is about to get all over the place. So i get what Kennedy wanted to do. Star Wars is an inherently masculine story. It’s a story of fathers and sons. A patriarchy is strangling freedoms under threat of planetary destruction with the biggest phallus replacement in the history of cinema, until Awakens gave it some viagra for their climax. Throwing in a little estrogen would go a long way to level of this testosterone party. That makes sense and, like i stated above, Rey has potential. The community isn’t against female warriors. Look at Ahsoka. Ma started on a rocky introduction. By the time Clone Wars ended, she was held in the same air as Vader, Luke, Leia, and Solo. Ahsoka is literally my second favorite character in all of the mythos, after Vader. And that’s not counting any of the ancillary characters. Bastila Shan and Mira Jade immediately come to mind. Hell, Chelli Aphra has become one of my favorite characters! What these cats all have in common is the fact that they are well written characters with earned strength. None of these women are mary-sues who come across as more of a OC self insert than a proper Star Wars protagonist. None of these characters are plot derailing distractions with no substance or agency other than to save Finn, robbing him of his moment because “muh love.” Rose Tico. I’m talking about Rose Tico. Why is Rose Tico?

Fix: Tone that sh*t down.

It’s fine to have gender politics in these movies. They are political animals. It’s that the execution is scathing which, in turn, is alienating the community. “The force is female”? Really? Did that even need to be said, let alone printed on a shirt and paraded about while offending long time fans with your dismissal of their very valid concerns? There were, of course, asshole in that chorus. Hell, they might have been the loudest. But just because i have a critique about your movie, doesn’t make me sexist or chauvinist. It means that there are very real issues with character and narrative development that needs to be addressed. It means that, if i can see these flaws, they are very visible. That means a lot of people are seeing the same things i am because they are there. I don’t hate women. I don’t hate the female-led direction of this new trilogy. I hate bad stories and these, so far, are bad stories. Stop using your feminism as a shield to legitimate critique and fix the goddamn movies!

Problem: Direction

These cats, on the sword of Kennedy, have gone through a lot of directors, man. of these first movies, a little over half have had a director change in the middle of production. Hell, Solo had their directors changed because Kennedy fired them over that Droid, L3-37. Apparently, that was a caricature of Kennedy, herself. The directors, the cats who made Lego Movie and Spider-Verse, thought it was funny. Kennedy didn't so she fired them, even though their movie was 3/4 finished.Rogue One suffered a similar fate but that was more Kennedy hated the film and it was managed poorly so Tony Gilroy “directed reshoots” but it’s widely known he shot just under the amount that would give him a director credit. And then there’s the directors promised movies, who lost them before they even started production. Trank, i’m looking at you.

Fix: Vet your visionaries better.

I don’t understand why this is a such a problem for Star Wars when Disney owns the blueprint for this sh*t in Marvel Studios. Feige hires cats you wouldn’t expect and let’s them create to their strengths.The Russos have given us the strongest films in the MCU and Winter Soldier is, in my opinion, their Dark Knight. Taika Waititi literally saved the entirety pf the Thor franchise and is positioned to be the first in MCU history to get a fourth installment. Edgar Wright was tapped for Ant-Man but in a rare misstep by Feige, walked away. Instead, they hired Peyton Reed but had enough respect for what Wright brought to the table, that they used his screenplay and gave him credit for it. Kennedy has extended no such courtesies. It’s like she doesn’t make movies with any respect for the material but makes the movies she’s always wanted to make but couldn’t. It’s like a bunch of sporadic ideas that are all over the place. You can’t make a coherent, interconnected, cinematic universe by throwing sh*t at the wall and seeing what will stick. hat’s what the DCEU did and we’ve seen how that has fared.

[smokeybrand]

The Force is Weak

The Star Wars Experience at Disneyland has grossly under performed. Merchandise sales is at an all time low. The Last Jedi and Solo were both bombs. Rise of Skywalker is getting all kinds of side eye from the community. It’s wild to see this happening because i love Star Wars almost as much as i love Marvel. Skywalker and friends was a sure thing. How the f*ck did Disney f*ck it up? If you listen to Iger and Kennedy, it’s an combination of toxic male masculinity and Star Wars fatigue. While that is true, it’s not the major problem with this franchise. I’ve poke on this before but it’s been several years and i have a much larger cross section to judge. In my humble opinion as a fan of the  franchise since the 80s and a life long lover of geek culture, i wanted to dive back into this train wreck in a galaxy far away.

Problem: Kathleen Kennedy

Kennedy is the biggest problem Star Wars has encountered in a long time. She is the one-eyed, drunk, captain of this capsizing ship and she keeps throwing people overboard instead of actually patching the many, many, leaks that will follow. She’s the intern that was around that got Lucas his coffee for decades and came along in her position as a grandfathered in stipulation for the overall sale. Kennedy is not a creative. Kennedy does not know the lore. In fact, she has gone out of her way to declare her disdain for it. The decades of creative position outside of the initial 2 trilogies and Clone Wars simple doesn’t count, even though there are fan favorites and intriguing stories told in that now ambiguous mire. Kennedy seems to want to erase what Star Wars was and elevate what it’s going to be; What she is in charge of. It feels like she wants to be seen as equal to Lucas and that’s never going to happen.

Fix: Move Kennedy to a strictly executive position.

Get her out of the day-today. Effectively banish her to oblivion and install someone to take up that Kevin Feige roll. Maybe the cat that is in charge of Star Wars TV, Dave Filoni. You need someone who knows the lore and has a respect for it. Kennedy is neither of those things. That chip on her shoulder from years of being dismissed by the creatives at Lucasfilm has her literally dismantling everything the fans love because she hates it. I understand she has a contract but the fact that she gave Ryan Johnson a trilogy worth of Disney bucks after the way Last Jedi went, is very telling of where her head is. Basically Kathleen Kennedy needs to be removed from her responsibilities of the Day-to-Day of the Star Wars machine. She is the biggest problem. Literally everything wrong with this franchise begins and ends with her.

Problem: Rey

I don’t have a huge problem with Rey but i understand why everyone else does. Rey is mad OP for no other reason that “female empowerment” which is ludicrous because one of the strongest females ever set to film in Leia, is literally IN the same movie where Rey is introduced! How do you f*ck up the evolution of the next generation so hard when the blueprint is wlking around the set with you? Gender politics aside, i’ll get to that in a minute, Rey is more a prop that a character. We don’t know anything about her. At all. She’s super good at everything she attempts with no explanation. Like, a few throwaway lines here and there would fix the narrative laziness about her easily. “How can you fly this ship so well?” “I’ve been on Jakku my entire life. I’ve had time to study.” This exchange makes the fact Rey can fly the Falcon plausible. “How do you fight so well?” “i can kind of feel the flow of battle. I told you i can take care of myself.” This establishes Rey has a sense for battle that can’t be explained, ie. The force.Of course, this doesn’t explain how she bested Kylo or embarrassed Luke with a stick but it plants seeds for the real fix.

Fix: Rey HAS to be a Skywalker.

Not a Solo. Not a clone. Luke’s kid, specifically. Anything less will go down like glass with the fans. I think that’s where JJ was going when he wrote the treatment for these films. Objectively, that’s where it had to go. Star Wars is a Skywalker story. You can do so much with that line. Hell, the Expanded universe, f*cking Legends now i guess, did a wonderful job with all of it. Rey needs to be the child that Luke had in secret. Maybe those junkers stole her. Maybe he gave her away to keep her safe. In order to save that character, Rey NEEDS to be a Skywalker. This would only elevate her in the mythos, not belittle her accomplishments. But, again, Rey is a Kennedy creation. She can’t be linked to Skywalker in anyway because she’s hers and not his. This mentality is a mistake and it’s crippling one of the most compelling aspects of this brand new take on the franchise.

Problem: Gender Politics

Oh, this can of worms is about to get all over the place. So i get what Kennedy wanted to do. Star Wars is an inherently masculine story. It’s a story of fathers and sons. A patriarchy is strangling freedoms under threat of planetary destruction with the biggest phallus replacement in the history of cinema, until Awakens gave it some viagra for their climax. Throwing in a little estrogen would go a long way to level of this testosterone party. That makes sense and, like i stated above, Rey has potential. The community isn’t against female warriors. Look at Ahsoka. Ma started on a rocky introduction. By the time Clone Wars ended, she was held in the same air as Vader, Luke, Leia, and Solo. Ahsoka is literally my second favorite character in all of the mythos, after Vader. And that’s not counting any of the ancillary characters. Bastila Shan and Mira Jade immediately come to mind. Hell, Chelli Aphra has become one of my favorite characters! What these cats all have in common is the fact that they are well written characters with earned strength. None of these women are mary-sues who come across as more of a OC self insert than a proper Star Wars protagonist. None of these characters are plot derailing distractions with no substance or agency other than to save Finn, robbing him of his moment because “muh love.” Rose Tico. I’m talking about Rose Tico. Why is Rose Tico?

Fix: Tone that sh*t down.

It’s fine to have gender politics in these movies. They are political animals. It’s that the execution is scathing which, in turn, is alienating the community. “The force is female”? Really? Did that even need to be said, let alone printed on a shirt and paraded about while offending long time fans with your dismissal of their very valid concerns? There were, of course, asshole in that chorus. Hell, they might have been the loudest. But just because i have a critique about your movie, doesn’t make me sexist or chauvinist. It means that there are very real issues with character and narrative development that needs to be addressed. It means that, if i can see these flaws, they are very visible. That means a lot of people are seeing the same things i am because they are there. I don’t hate women. I don’t hate the female-led direction of this new trilogy. I hate bad stories and these, so far, are bad stories. Stop using your feminism as a shield to legitimate critique and fix the goddamn movies!

Problem: Direction

These cats, on the sword of Kennedy, have gone through a lot of directors, man. of these first movies, a little over half have had a director change in the middle of production. Hell, Solo had their directors changed because Kennedy fired them over that Droid, L3-37. Apparently, that was a caricature of Kennedy, herself. The directors, the cats who made Lego Movie and Spider-Verse, thought it was funny. Kennedy didn't so she fired them, even though their movie was 3/4 finished.Rogue One suffered a similar fate but that was more Kennedy hated the film and it was managed poorly so Tony Gilroy “directed reshoots” but it’s widely known he shot just under the amount that would give him a director credit. And then there’s the directors promised movies, who lost them before they even started production. Trank, i’m looking at you.

Fix: Vet your visionaries better.

I don’t understand why this is a such a problem for Star Wars when Disney owns the blueprint for this sh*t in Marvel Studios. Feige hires cats you wouldn’t expect and let’s them create to their strengths.The Russos have given us the strongest films in the MCU and Winter Soldier is, in my opinion, their Dark Knight. Taika Waititi literally saved the entirety pf the Thor franchise and is positioned to be the first in MCU history to get a fourth installment. Edgar Wright was tapped for Ant-Man but in a rare misstep by Feige, walked away. Instead, they hired Peyton Reed but had enough respect for what Wright brought to the table, that they used his screenplay and gave him credit for it. Kennedy has extended no such courtesies. It’s like she doesn’t make movies with any respect for the material but makes the movies she’s always wanted to make but couldn’t. It’s like a bunch of sporadic ideas that are all over the place. You can’t make a coherent, interconnected, cinematic universe by throwing sh*t at the wall and seeing what will stick. hat’s what the DCEU did and we’ve seen how that has fared.