#estranged from her mom's culture but never met her dad

[zellk]

My babygirl Qalaari in FFXIV ! She'd most likely be a half Xaela, half Amalj'aa !

[tabloidtoc]

Us, January 25

You can now buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Olivia Wilde, Harry Styles and Jason Sudeikis 

Page 2: Red Carpet -- drop sleeve romance -- Cynthia Erivo, Margaret Qualley, Aja Naomi King, Eiza Gonzalez 

Page 3: Chloe Bennet, Keri Russell, Isla Fisher, Idina Menzel, Kaia Gerber

Page 4: Who Wore It Best? Gigi Hadid vs. Khloe Kardashian, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley vs. Haley Lu Richardson 

Page 6: Loose Talk -- Rowan Atkinson on cancel culture, Chrissy Teigen on why she gave up drinking, Busy Philipps on getting used to her 12-year-old child Birdie’s they/them pronouns, Joy Behar resuming her feud with fellow View cohost Meghan McCain who recently returned from maternity leave, Arnold Schwarzenegger on mistaking Chris Pratt for Chris Evans on an Instagram telethon

Page 8: Contents 

Page 10: Hot Pics -- Angelina Jolie enjoyed a bit of retail therapy in L.A. 

Page 11: Justin Bieber took an electric bike out for a spin while on vacation in Hawaii, Gavin Rossdale holding his beloved dog during an outing in Studio City, Selling Sunset’s Christine Quinn wore pink during a photoshoot in Bel Air 

Page 12: Olivia Munn, Tori Spelling got a smooch from her and husband Dean McDermott’s pups in L.A., Emilio Vitolo Jr. and Katie Holmes walked arm-in-arm during a romantic stroll in NYC 

Page 13: Emma Slater and Sasha Farber stepped out for some fresh air with their dogs Ruby and Grinch in L.A., Dua Lipa and Anwar Hadid spent their days soaking up the sun while on vacation in Tulum, Mexico 

Page 16: Matt Damon was spotted without his wedding ring while visiting BFF Ben Affleck one month after celebrating his 15th anniversary with wife Luciana Barroso in L.A., Sutton Foster filming Younger with Nico Tortorella and Debi Mazar in NYC, during an outing Lisa Rinna took her dance moves to the streets in L.A. 

Page 17: Diplo spent the day exploring the ocean during a scuba diving session in Tulum, Bella Thorne and boyfriend Benjamin Mascolo couldn’t keep their hands off each other while playing in the ocean in Tulum 

Page 18: Jennifer Lopez works her monochrome magic 

Page 20: Winter Wonderland -- ‘tis the season to bundle up -- Kellan Lutz sipping on hot drinks with pregnant wife Brittany in NYC, Irina Shayk posed with a snowman she built in NYC, Kylie Jenner and daughter Stormi kept warm and cozy in fashionable outerwear, Bella Hadid made a snow angel following a storm in NYC 

Page 21: Martha Stewart in her snow plow in Bedford in New York, Rebel Wilson hitting the slopes in Aspen, Hilary Duff and Matthew Koma played with their daughter Banks outside in North Reading in Massachusetts, Ciara skiing for the first time during a trip with Vanessa Bryant, Laura Prepon building a snowman 

Page 22: Stars They’re Just Like Us -- Wells Adams broke a sweat during an afternoon jog in L.A., Gabrielle Union donated items to her favorite organizations through the Amazon Smile Charity Lists in L.A., Jenny McCarthy checked taking out the trash off her to-do list in Chicago 

Page 23: Ellen DeGeneres pedaled to lunch in Santa Barbara, between carrying a huge basket and walking his dog Kuma Justin Theroux has his hands full while out and about in NYC 

Page 24: Love Lives -- Emma Stone baby on board 

Page 25: Chrissy Metz and boyfriend Bradley Collins met on the dating app Bumble, after spending months in Australia Zac Efron has no plans to return to Hollywood because he’s loving life with girlfriend Vanessa Valladares 

Page 26: Hollywood Moms -- Melissa Joan Hart on her three sons Mason and Braydon and Tucker 

Page 27: Amber Rose’s sons Sebastian and Slash may be six years apart but she says they have the sweetest bond, Rachel Bilson’s daughter Briar has no idea that dad Hayden Christensen played Darth Vader, Melissa Rycroft has ruled out baby No. 4 

Page 28: Hot Hollywood -- Duchess Kate Middleton’s family made her recent birthday very special despite the pandemic -- during her low-key celebration at Anmer Hall she felt the love from Prince William and their kids Prince George and Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis and they gave her a bouquet from the kids and diamond and sapphire earrings from William which she loves -- she even received a card and gifts from Prince Harry and Meghan Markle which was a nice surprise and she may get to thank them in person as Harry and Meghan will reportedly return to the UK in June 

Page 29: After months of dating speculation Michael B. Jordan and Lori Harvey finally confirmed their relationship via Instagram when Michael and Steve Harvey’s adopted daughter posted loved-up photos of each other on their accounts 

* Nearly 17 years after the Sex and the City series finale aired stars Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis are reprising their roles for a revival called And Just Like That...Noticeably absent from the group is Kim Cattrall who’s had an ongoing feud with Sarah Jessica for years and has been vocal about her decision to never return to the show 

* Keeping Up With Us -- Gwen Stefani’s annulment from ex-husband Gavin Rossdale has finally been granted by the Vatican which was a huge relief for Gwen who wants her marriage to Blake Shelton to be recognized by the Catholic Church, Meghan Markle’s estranged dad Thomas Markle says that he’s very pleased with daughter Samantha Markle’s upcoming tell-all book, The Grammys has been delayed to March 14 over coronavirus concerns, Shia LaBeouf and Margaret Qualley have called it quits on their weeks-long whirlwind romance, Dr. Dre said he’s doing great after being hospitalized for a brain aneurysm, Stassi Schroeder and fiance Beau Clark welcomed daughter Hartford Charlie Rose 

Page 30: A Day in the Life -- Catherine Lowe 

Page 31: Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson has a lot to look forward in 2021 -- not only is she releasing a new book this summer which is a historical fiction novel titled Her Heart For a Compass but the Duchess of York is also preparing to become a first-time grandmother to Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank’s child -- though the little one’s arrival is still weeks away Fergie’s already started passing down her motherly wisdom to her 30-year-old daughter whom she shares with ex-husband Prince Andrew -- as for what she’s hoping to be called by her grandchild she says lots of her friends call her Duch so she thinks it will end up being Duchee 

Page 32: Cover Story -- Olivia Wilde’s love triangle -- Olivia’s ex Jason Sudeikis is devastated as her new romance with Harry Styles heats up 

Page 36: Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West behind closed doors -- as rumors of impending divorce swirl what’s really happening inside Kim and Kanye’s six-year marriage -- it was extremely draining to keep pretending that their marriage was OK when the whole world could tell it blatantly wasn’t and things between them have gotten so toxic they have no choice but to live apart 

Page 38: One for the Ages -- it’s nothing but a number -- these couples don’t mind a May to December romance -- Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, George Clooney and Amal Clooney, Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles 

Page 39: Leonardo DiCaprio and Camila Morrone, Jay-Z and Beyonce, David Foster and Katharine McPhee, Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson 

Page 40: Natalie Portman’s lip service with Dior’s wildly popular Rouge Dior Couture lipstick -- she stuns in a series of images that evoke the splendor of Paris and peep the behind-the-scenes moments 

Page 42: Entertainment -- The Bachelor Matt James teases what’s to come 

Page 43: Dean Hashim of 90 Day Fiance on having a daughter with girlfriend Rigin Bado 

Page 46: Fashion Police -- when bad clothes happen to good people -- Miley Cyrus, Bella Hadid, Alia Shawkat 

Page 47: A$AP Rocky, Kate Flannery, Tessa Thompson 

Page 48: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me -- Tim Allen 

[echoes-of-realities]

.

I’m a writer, and despite not knowing how I feel or what to write, I wanted someplace to record all the things I do remember about him. I spent so long trying to erase every memory of him, and now that he’s really, truly gone, I want all those memories I hated back.

He always smelled of cigarette smoke, sweat, sawdust, and something sweet I can never ever name until I get a whiff of a can of Pepsi being cracked open.

He was quiet, and reserved, and he didn’t like to drink. I get that from him. I got my sweet tooth and terrible eyesight from him too, and I take my coffee the same way he used to. I remember because my sister once tried his coffee before he put the cream and sugar in it and she somehow loved it black; my dad and me couldn’t understand how this three year old liked black coffee. I’m scared I got his addicting personality too, which is why I rarely touch alcohol and will never gamble in my life.

He loved yard sales and pawn shops. It didn’t matter where we were going or how late for a job he would be, he would always pull over and look through them. Was it irresponsible? Yeah, of course, but he would let us wander the plastic tables of people selling their long forgotten memories and dusty old regrets and he never rushed us even as the clock ticked further and further away from being on time.

He bought a GameCube and the Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker for $70 from a yard sale once. We used to crowd around the tv and play together, just the three of us. My sister was too young to handle the controller, but we used to let her sail around the ocean while we looked up walkthroughs. I spent almost 2 frustrating hours trying to do the part on the pirate ship at the very beginning, but when he came home he did it for me and it took him like 10 seconds. I thought it was a miracle despite not knowing what a miracle was.

He once adopted a cockatiel from the lady who hired him to redo her kitchen flooring instead of taking payment for a job. My mom hated that he did that, and hated that bird even more. I was five, but he let me name him Cuddles even though he knew you can’t really cuddle a bird.

He used to set up a cheap tv and our gamecube in his van so my sister and I could play it while he was on jobs. We usually ended up following him around and watching him work though because playing video games by ourselves wasn’t half as fun as seeing strange houses and unrolling carpet. I haven’t even been in a flooring store since, but I could probably install a decent looking carpet even still.

He used to let my sister and I pick the pickles off his McDonald’s burgers even though they were his favourite part, because they were our favourite part too, so he gave them all to us every time.

He bought me a painted wooden elephant from the farmers market just because he saw me looking at it. I can still remember that day; the bright sun, my sister sleeping on my mom’s shoulder, the cement parking bar I was walking on like a tightrope, my dad’s hand in mine and the wooden elephant in the other.

He would call me squirt and monkey instead of sweetie or honey and I always loved that because no other dad I knew called their kids that, and when my sister came along he called her little squirt. I always forget about that until I find myself calling my little cousins squirt or monkey just like he did to me, once upon a forever ago.

He used to fall asleep curled up in front of the fireplace like a cat. Apparently it helped his sore back but I think he just liked the feel of the fire on his face, even if it was electric heat. He once melted a pillow and almost burned down our house and the neighbour’s because we lived in a tiny duplex, but the next day he was fast asleep in front of the fireplace just like always.

He’s the real reason I wanted to learn how to play guitar, and I’ve never once admitted that to anyone. He had an electric guitar and an amp and a microphone set up out in our garage, and I would spend hours trying to get my little fingers to play a chord while he worked on his wood project of the week. He was never any good at it because he never had someone teach him and he was too busy to get better on his own, but I still remember sitting in rapt attention in the garage with cigarette smoke thick in the air between us as he slowly plucked one of the few songs he knew.

The feel of the strings under my fingers and the hum of the body against mine makes me feel closer to him, even in spite of the miles and years and corporeality now between us.

The only thing I have left of him is an old guitar strap, a wooden elephant, and these ashes that were once him.

My dad was a petty thief, he evaded taxes for probably 20 years, he owes over $50,000 in child support, he stole dental equipment and jewelry from jobs, he had a gambling addiction that ruined my family and nearly put us on the street, he went bankrupt and didn’t tell my mom until Canada Revenue was knocking on her door looking for someone to pay off his debts, he abandoned us and hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has and probably more than anyone else ever will.

He was also just, you know, my dad for 9 years, unquestionably, unconditionally. He taught me to ride a bike, to play video games, to tie my shoes, to sword fight with sticks, to roll carpet properly, to balance on cement parking bars, to bury my sister in sand, to sometimes eat dessert before supper after a really bad day. He gave me my love of music, of video games, of McDonald’s pickles, of fantasy novels, of wolves, of sweet things, of coffee with three teaspoons of sugar. He was my only connection to being Cree and I was too young when he left to ask him all the questions I have about our shared culture.

He was Native and born to two fifteen year olds, the oldest of five kids from four different dads. He never finished grade 8 and started working at age thirteen to help his mom support his siblings. His own father held him in the hospital once the day he was born before being chased off the reserve. His sister never knew her dad either, his brother’s dad was abusive and died of cancer, his youngest brother and sister were 16 years younger than him. He had two kids who were so white passing most people thought we weren’t even his. Between the inter generational trauma and the fact that he never had a stable father figure in his life, it’s a wonder he stayed around as long as he did.

But while knowing this now explains his actions, it doesn’t excuse them. It doesn’t make my own pain magically go away, it doesn’t erase the decade and a half I spent angry and confused and grieving someone who’s love was supposed to be unconditional. I don’t forgive him for all the pain he caused me, but I miss him. I’ve always missed him, despite all the years I spent hiding that with anger.

I’ve always know that grief can be very lonely, I never knew exactly how lonely it truly was until I lost someone that only one other person in my life is grieving. My sister and I are alone, despite the love and support from our friends and family, we’re alone in this. Nobody in our lives aside from us, his only two daughters, miss him.

There’s a different type of grief when you lose an estranged parent, especially one that abandoned you when you were just a kid who had only just learned her times tables and how to write in cursive. It wasn’t my choice to have no contact with him for over half my life, but I still regret those lost years all the same. I’ve been grieving him for fourteen years already, but it’s different now because he’s really gone, not just “out there somewhere.” I used to check obituaries for the town I was born in because I didn’t know whether he was dead or alive, whether he was homeless or had another family, whether he was even in that town or not. He’s really gone now, and so is any chance at ever rekindling with him, at having a relationship with him.

I’ve lost my dad three times in my life:

The first was that February night when he dropped Valentine’s Day gifts off for my sister and I and then disappeared into the dark night, swirling out of focus like the snow falling just out of sight of the porch light.

The second time was that August evening when he sent me a Facebook friend request and I deleted it because I was still so caught up in my anger at him abandoning us that I was in no place to make amends, I know now that it was because he was sick and dying even though it would take another five years before he was truly gone.

The third, and last time, I lost my dad was July 25th, on that windy afternoon when his sister who we’d never met Facebook messaged us to tell us that she found him dead that morning.

I will never lose him again because he’s gone for good now. I’ve know this fact for fourteen years, but somehow it’s so much more painful now than it was on July 24th, when he was out of my life but still out there somewhere, still alive.

[rt8815]

OC Ask Game

I was tagged by the amazing @illegalcerebral

I put a Keep Reading link because this is looong.

1) Name (and why you chose it if you like) McKinley Campbell Durand. I named her after McKinley Morganfield, better known as Muddy Waters. However, the “in universe?” reason that will be given - which I haven’t written yet - is that McKinley and Campbell are family names from a few generations back.

Campbell comes from the Gaelic words for ‘crooked’ and ‘mouth.’ I just like the name. Here’s a post (that I had to rewrite because Tumblr’s a dick and wouldn’t let me edit the typos in the original. The rewrite had typos too! Blargh!) that discusses her first and last names. I thought it would be funny for her full name to consist solely of last names.

2) Fandom and how they fit into the story Criminal Minds. She works at a D.C. museum practically around the corner from the J. Edgar Hoover building (as indicated in “Let It Bleed”). That’s a tiny hint that it’s the National Museum of African American History & Culture, but I don’t think I’ll mention it very often, if for no other reason than I’ve never been to the NMAAHC and don’t want to describe it inaccurately.

The official story is that Spencer and McKinley met at the museum (again, in “Let It Bleed,” which is probably the least favorite thing of mine that I’ve written). However, they’d met once before, and texted a few times after that. Because my brain is all over the place, and because I’m telling the story in non-chronological order, I haven’t written their first meeting yet. The only details I’ve revealed thus far are that it was nighttime in a park, McKinley caught Spencer off guard and made him fall to the ground, and whatever they talked about set Spencer straight and lifted his spirits. Also, a swingset was involved. Beyond that, I’ve inserted McKinley into the plotlines and events of the show, with necessary alterations, and there’s a ton of domestic Spencer and off-duty team stuffs.

3) Do they have any family? Biological family: daughter Sophie and son Jason; her Mom (no name yet); maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins; and her estranged father (no name yet). Chosen/found family: husband Spencer; the BAU.

4) As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up? When she was a toddler, McKinley wanted to be a pediatrician (a doctor just for kids?! Cool!) or an ophthalmologist (she’s worn glasses practically her whole life). As an older child she aspired to be an entomologist or herpetologist. In her teenage years she considered a career in forensic pathology or criminal psychology. While earning her BA in English, she discovered that Public History was her true calling.

5) Their greatest dream To be a good Mom. To inspire learning in others.

6) Their worst nightmare Losing her family; having to see her father again.

7) Strengths Empathy, insight/self awareness, forgiving nature but knowing when to cut her losses

8) Weaknesses McKinley struggles with imposter syndrome.

She can be very mean. I mean, downright nasty cruel, verbally. This is rare though because, and I’m paraphrasing a future bit of dialogue here, anyone whose behavior could arguably warrant such a response is beneath her notice and not worth the effort. She’s more likely to close the door on someone. When she’s removed a person from her life, she is done. They become literally nothing to her. McKinley will rightly claim that this is about self-preservation and boundaries, but she really takes it to the next level.

9) What would they chose between: morning and night, sweet and savoury, beaches or meadows, cities or countryside, winter or summer, Christmas or Halloween (sorry, Spencer!), movies or TV shows, action or rom-com, clowns or vampires, stars or the moon (both!), cocktails or pints [Neither. McKinley doesn’t care for cocktails or beer. Scotch, brandy, rum, and dry wines are her poisons. She’s been known to add Kahlúah to vanilla ice cream, Baileys Irish Cream to coffee (she wants to try Drambuie next), or make hot toddies when she has a cold (obviously not mixing any alcohol with any medicine)]

10) How do they relax? Reading, or having Spencer read to her; knitting; listening to her records or playing her guitar; exercising with Boogie so she’s exhausted enough to sleep that night; baking and cooking

11) What makes them angry? Injustice, apathy/indifference, ableism, willful ignorance

12) What makes them afraid? The awful things she’d possibly do under duress; her family getting hurt or worse; spiders and other bugs that bite and/or sting

13) What is a moment from their childhood that has shaped who they are? It’s not a single event, but growing up with an abusive parent has certainly had a lifelong impact on McKinley. You’ve heard the expression “once bitten, twice shy?” She’s “once bitten, there’s no twice because you no longer exist.” She’s working on that. It’s also cultivated empathy, though, and is part of the reason she volunteers in the hospital’s rehab wing.

14) Do they have a sense of humour? Intellectual humor, pop culture references, puns/Dad jokes, science jokes. Sometimes morbid.

15) What do they value in their friends/loved ones? Honesty and empathy

16) Do they have any pets? An Aussie Collie/Border Aussie named Boogie-Woogie. He’s her first child.

17) Worst memory? Probably the day Meadows shot her and she thought she’d never see Spencer and Penny again.

18) Best memory? The days Sophie and Jason were born. Minus, y’know, the agonizing pain of labor and delivery.

19) Do they have any tattoos? (If no would they get one?) Nope and nope

20) If you could write them into another fandom, which one would you choose? If I knew the MCU better, I’d love to write her in as a Stark Tower employee! She’d be an anthropologist and would study alien societies the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. have encountered. She’d naturally be drawn to Loki, initially in a professional capacity (they quickly discover they relate to each other on a personal level as well).

He’d first find her annoying: “Why are you pestering me, Mortal? Surely you’d rather interview my oaf of a brother?”

“No, not even remotely. He only ever wants to discuss battles he’s won. There’s so much more to Asgard and the other realms than that. I want - I need - to learn your literature, your science, your culture and history. You’re well versed in all of these subjects and you’re an excellent teacher.”

He stares at her impassively over his mug of tea, but his heart - that Judas of an organ - flutters slightly at the compliment. And how can he say no to a fellow scholar?

“I prefer your company to Thor’s too. You have this calming presence. Thor’s sweet but he’s also obnoxiously loud and brash and he always hugs me even though I keep telling him I don’t like it. And he’s constantly swinging his hammer around, which makes me think he’s overcompensating for something.”

Loki nearly chokes on his tea. Yes, this mortal is considerably more tolerable than others.

“Very well. Friday evenings at 6:00, my chambers. Arrive late and suffer my wrath.”

From that day forward, whenever Thor tries to hug her, he gets mildly electrocuted.

Did I accidentally sorta kinda write a drabble? Would anyone be interested in making this a collab? That’s what they’re called, right? (Can you tell I’ve given this some thought? Haha! I have even more details in my head.)

21) Do they like their job? (What else would they do if they could?) She loves it! Hmmm, what else…? A librarian maybe. Or animate and produce an educational cartoon series.

22) What is their sexuality? Demisexual

23) Do they believe in love at first sight? Soulmates? One true love? McKinley believes in “seeing the potential for a good relationship at first conversation.”

Yes, although she feels that term has become overused and poorly redefined.

People can find love again after it’s been lost.

24) What music do they listen to? Has that changed over time? I actually recently answered an ask about this. Yes, she grew up on what passed for country in the ‘90s. God help her, she had a boyband phase in junior high.

25) Can they cook? What food do they love? McKinley does pretty well in the kitchen. She loves a wide variety of food. She grew up in the south, so tons of carbs/comfort foods. She loves Thai, Japanese, and Indian food. She cooks up Middle Earth-inspired dishes (ha! nerd). She’s especially proud of a seed cake she bakes.

26) What are their hopes for the future? For her family to be healthy, safe and happy. To be debt free.

27) How do they react to being threatened? It’s a coin flip. McKinley might curl up like an armadillo and hope the predator gets bored and leaves, or she might kick the stool out from under them and cause their chin to slam into the bar and crack several teeth.

28) What is their love language? McKinley and Spencer both exhibit the Acts of Service love language, because just saying “I love you” isn’t enough. You ought to show it. She’ll randomly bake doughnuts for Spencer or play guitar for him in bed, and he’ll take care of laundry, dishes, and any other chores he sees need doing.

Quality Time is important for them too. Once a month, Luke and Penny babysit so Spencer and McKinley have a day alone together. It doesn’t really matter what they do. The point is it’s just them.

It caught McKinley by surprise how much she enjoys physical affection, given that she can be touch averse but holy moly she was more touch starved than she realized. She lives for snuggles and makeout sessions and playing with each others’ hair. When one of them doesn’t want to be touched, they hook their pinkies together.

29) What do they find most challenging in relationships? At work? In general? At work she struggles to gain her colleagues’ respect (think “Boy Genius” treatment except she has lady bits). In general, she struggles with trusting people.

30) What do you as a creator love best about writing this character? Giving her everything I wish I had but don’t.

Bonus: Include a link to your favourite work with this OC or write a small drabble.

October 12, 2021

Warm sunlight filtered through the curtains, gently rousing Spencer from a pleasant sleep. Just when he’d decided to get up, he felt the mattress dip behind him and his wife’s breath fanning over his ear.

“Who’s the birthday boy?” whispered McKinley.

Spencer smiled softly but feigned being asleep.

“Who’s the birthdaaay boooy?” she repeated, bouncing slightly.

“The good-looking guy to your left?”

“Happy Birthday!” she laughed, pressing kisses along his neck, suddenly shifting the mood from playful to sexy.

“Would the birthday boy like his birthday present?” she asked as she lifted the covers.

“Well, look at that - it’s already unwrapped!”

[kainefloyd]

{ KJ APA . CIS MALE .  23 . HE/HIM }  did you see that { KAINE ‘KAI’ FLOYD } just pulled up in hidden hills with { LORENA RAMOS } sitting next to them in the passengers seat - isn’t that cute ! you know, for a { NBA PLAYER - LAKERS }, i’ve heard they’re really { INDECISIVE }, but that they make up for it by being so { CHARMING }. i see them all the time on snapchat && yesterday in US WEEKLY i read that they { HAVE } 2 sons - can you believe that ?!

some basics;

Kaine ‘Kai’ Floyd is originally from Hawaii. He is Samoan & Hawaiian.

Goes by the nickname K-9 in the NBA for his name and number.

Born August 19th

Most of his friends back home call him Kai.

There’s over 100 people in his immediate family. At this rate, he has lost count.

Oldest of 9 siblings.

Has the two most cutest, adorable baby boys with Lorena.

He’s a starting point guard for the LA Lakers

Attended UCLA for college where he got drafted out of. Never finished his degree.

Works with lots of children organizations and likes to give back to kids however he can.

Has endorsement deals with top athletic brands, drinks and his own branch/line off of everything he partakes in.

Him and Lorena were on basketball wives. They have a huge fan base of their relationship on social media thanks to the reality show.

Lives HERE currently

as a dad;

Father of Two Sons; Tide Alexander and Evian Reign.

Tide’s nickname  are Ty, Ty Guy, My Ty. And Evian’s are Evy but Tide calls him baby Evy

He wants as many kids as Lo will give him. He’s huge into family, loves being a dad and is very careful when it comes to sex. His goal is to only have one baby mama in life that he’s in love with, can spoil and get to tie down/be a stay at home mom which can be an argument/disagreement point that we can work on.

Tide and Evian are his parents first grandkids, his grandparents first great grands and he has a sister who is four. His parents were young when they had him and now only 45 & 44. and his grandparents are in their 60′s and 70′s.

He’s such a push over, his kids pouts and when they wrap their arms around his neck or want to be held makes him melt.

They literally are the light of his life. Nothing means more to him than those two little boys.

Has a play room for them that is extreme, full out little kid basketball court, swing set inside, slides, arts and craft sections, all the toys, everything.

Tells bad dad jokes sometimes. Okay most of the time.

Has their names tattoo’d over his heart

Kaine will also be there to babysit, help out single moms and do whatever whenever. He’s super caring and loves friends that can turn into family. There’s nothing more that this guy loves than throwing down a huge bbq for everyone, being behind the grill and when the kids go to bed, turning up with all the drinks.

lorena;

Love of his life.

Her smile and laugh are everything. Making her blush and their size difference. Huge turn ons.

They have an on again, off again relationship since Evy. which he hates for him and his sons but knows he is an ass and they have to figure their shit out before having another kid.

Kaine can be super romantic at times, makes sure to include things she enjoys like candles and pays attention to the little things she loves in life.

Still keeps her closet open at his place, buying her things to have there to try and get her to spend the night.

Compares every girl in his life to her.

Flirts around sometimes but that’s mostly his personality when they’re off cause she’s kinda hot when jealous?

Downfall is Kaine. entirely. they are set for life with money and their family’s shares in ebay, then the millions he makes from the nba, his endorsement deals, reality tv and all of that so he expects lo to want to be a stay at home mom?

He’s a dumb dumb but literally is the type to grab up on her butt and kiss her neck, very affectionate with her is his personality no matter what.

Expresses his appreciation and admiration for her frequently for their family, their sons and her, etc.

Wants to always provide for her, in lots of ways.

Never gives up hope they’ll be together forever. that’s why he hasn’t really laid down roots in his place? because he has his own ideas.

Wants to build an empire with her.

Knows how lucky he is and like, admits it but has big jerk energy sometimes when it comes to pride and needs to recognize her dreams matter too? like she is an amazing mom and wifey type. 100 percent. but she should get to live out what she wants to do just like he does.

His father is the terrible influence he learned things from and his mom really needs to speak to him about all of this.

his hawaiian family life;

His father was super unfaithful and always stepping out on his mom. They had a very toxic relationship, but in the culture, his mom was pretty much left to deal with it.

Christianity and church is an important aspect in Hawaii so is their image.

They are Hawaii’s most famous family.

Kaine is the oldest of 8 kids that he knows of? would love a half sibling.

Kaine’s Tutu and Tuma (what he calls his paternal grandparents) are the matriarchs of the family and own acres and acres of land. They are beyond rich and created their own compound beachside where they had custom homes built for their children.

Kaine’s paternal grandfather and father are part owners of ebay and billionaires.

Kaine’s mother, Maria came from nothing. She was a model in New York City when she met Kaine’s father, Elei - EJ for short who was there for business. Her parents didn’t approve of her running off to marry him, but it wasn’t a question in her eyes. It was what she wanted to do and thought he was going to provide her with a life of luxury that allowed her to continue to stay in the modeling world.

All of his brother’s and sisters carry on the Hawaiian tradition with strong, Hawaiian names that came from ‘dreams’.

Maria is always in town as often as she can to visit, stays usually at Kaine’s and brings some of his siblings. Her family is estranged and she is struggling with trying to reconnect with them after all of these years.

kaine’s personal life;

Super loaded & knows what he likes and doesn’t in this world.

Is pretty private about things, not super flashy. Isn’t one for suits and stuff like that, even on game day. He does dress up during the playoffs though.

He’s into surfing, skateboarding, the island life and living, four wheeling, going on adventures, tanning and living more relaxed when he can.

His home is super open planned which he fixes and gates up accordingly when he has his kids, don’t worry.

Loves a good beer, chilling outdoors, going to the beach or having a bonfire on a Friday night.

Listens to all kinds of music.

His party habits are kind of wild when he does go out, though.

Dark Liquor has him crazy, tequila makes him super duper horny.

Def sends Lo risky texts when he’s drunk and you can tell by the look on his face when it’s time for him to go home.

Kaine is into working out, very dedicated to his ab life, has a home gym and a half basketball court at his house outside but also a personal trainer he visits and has over. His work is never done.

Very strict with his diet and has a chef that cooks for him weekly, prepares meals and stacks his fridge and freezer.

Tattoos are life. Has 12 currently and his artist on speed dial.

Has a huge man cave, collects old school vintage band and sports memorabilia.

Also into buying arcade games for his home to play at any time.

Is best friends with lots of top named players in the league and has a close, big brother/big brother relationship with Lebron James. Kobe was his idol.

Cars. This boy has 8 in Hidden Hills alone.

The house he owns is massive, but hates living in it without Lo.

Family owns a few private jets.

Wants to get dogs, he has some back in Hawaii that are his family dogs but for now he’s waiting until him and Lorena lay grounds better? Plus, he knows she loves her pup and doesn’t want to try and one up her.

connections;

in between on and off times with his baby mama, he has had some dating flings featured in the tabloids. not all are true, some are just friendships.

he knows that people could use him easily for fame and clout, so he is protective of himself and who he lets in his life.

no one random their sons ever. he’s extremely protective of them and his privacy, but is trying to make sure to branch out more and make more parent buddies.

as for friends, he’s a guy’s guy. loves saturdays being for the boys. would love all the friendships.

you can count on kaine to show up and come through with helping you whenever you’re in need. he’s a good listener, doesn’t care much about drama so you don’t have to worry about him repeating anything.

[romcomathon2016]

Crazy Rich Asians (USA, 2018)

This week on Romcomathon, a special bonus edition! We saw Crazy Rich Asians last night. Enjoyed it very much. You should go. You should all go. Tonight. Tomorrow. The day after tomorrow. Heavy spoilers ahead.

Predictions: We predicted that everyone would be crazy, rich, and Asian! (We had both read the book.) Then we saw the trailer and further predicted that everyone would be good-looking, and indeed they were — though, this is a romcom, so we would have predicted that anyway.

Plot: Constance Wu is your above-average Chinese-American gal. You know, teaching game theory at NYU, chilling in cute coffee shops with her cute boyfriend, Henry Golding. Little does she know, her cute boyfriend (who loves to play basketball at a smelly YMCA) is actually the scion of a whole bunch of unbelievably wealthy Singaporeans. When Henry Golding invites her to attend his best friend Chris Pang’s wedding in Singapore, Constance Wu happily accepts, thinking, “No problem! I’ll just charm his family! It’s fine!” But oh no, Constance Wu, it’s not fine. As it turns out, Singaporean high-society gossip travels at the speed of light, and within a matter of seconds — literally seconds — everyone in Singapore above a certain income bracket knows that *GASP* Henry Golding, the most eligible bachelor in the world, is off the market.

No one is pleased is about this, but least pleased of all is Henry Golding’s ice-queen mother, Michelle Yeoh. Nonetheless, Henry Golding, bizarrely oblivious, whisks Constance Wu onto Singapore Airlines, into a phenomenally beautiful private first-class cabin, which...kind of forces him to admit that his family is financially “comfortable.” OKAY, HENRY GOLDING. JUST LIE DOWN ON YOUR AIRPLANE BED AND PUT ON YOUR SOFT FANCY AIRPLANE PAJAMAS BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY IS “COMFORTABLE.” (Weird, though, that he never brought this up during the two years they’ve been together. Did he not think that, at some point, maybe he should mention, “Hey babe, my family pretty much owns Singapore. You know, that really expensive place in Asia?”)

Constance Wu and Henry Golding arrive in Singapore; are greeted by Chris Pang and his fiancée, Sonoya Mizuno; and head off, a foursome, to chow down on some of the most amazing food we’ve ever seen in our lives. Just a normal delicious time between some normal friends, right?? WRONG. The next day, Constance Wu goes to visit her old college roommate Awkwafina, whose own family is not too shabby. They are living in a gold-plated house that her mother based off of the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. So, you know, it’s very understated. During her lunch there, Constance Wu finds out from Awkwafina’s parents — by the way, her dad is Ken Jeong — that a) Chris Pang and Sonoya Mizuno’s wedding is basically the most important event of the season. Like an inauguration or the Royal Wedding. b) Henry Golding is so rich that Awkwafina’s family’s wealth pales in comparison. Compared to Henry Golding’s family, these knockoff-Versailles-house people are just barely making gold-plated ends meet.

Great! Now Constance Wu is even more nervous! (Nice job not preparing your girlfriend at all, Henry Golding, by the way.) She heads off to Henry Golding’s grandmother’s estate, where his grandmother Lisa Lu is just having “a few friends over,” AKA it’s a huge party at the biggest house we or Constance Wu have ever seen. There, Henry Golding finally introduces Constance Wu to the fam, who obviously see her as a gauche American peasant. Which...look, it’s all relative!!!! Michelle Yeoh, in particular, is Not Impressed and makes it very clear through her politeness how very Not Impressed she is. But it’s okay, guys! It’s Lisa Lu’s opinion that matters — and she seems to like Constance Wu! Yay!

Hold on, though. Before we can get further with Lisa Lu, Constance Wu must attend Sonoya Mizuno’s huge bachelorette party -- on a smaller island that Sonoya Mizuno’s family (literally) owns. Constance Wu feels out of place amidst all this opulence, but luckily she finds a kindred spirit in what turns out to be Henry Golding’s ex-girlfriend. SPOILER ALERT: EX-GF IS NOT A KINDRED SPIRIT. IT IS A TRAP. Everyone terrorizes Constance Wu at this horrible party, except for Sonoya Mizuno. And Gemma Chan, Henry Golding’s favorite cousin, who, besides being genuinely nice, is preoccupied with her husband’s affair.

Upon returning to Singapore, Constance Wu lays into Henry Golding for -- well, OBVIOUSLY. Henry Golding is very apologetic, but also, “We have to go make dumplings with the fam. That’s cool, right?” They go back to Lisa Lu’s manse, where things are going okay, until Constance Wu compliments Michelle Yeoh’s ENORMOUS emerald ring. It turns out that Michelle Yeoh was given this ring by her husband, Lisa Lu’s son, who had to have it custom-made because Lisa Lu wouldn’t give her son the family ring...because she though Michelle Yeoh was not good enough. Sound familiar? Yet somehow, this does not make Michelle Yeoh sympathetic. In fact, she tells Constance Wu all of this simply to preface her announcement that Constance Wu is definitely not marriage material.

HOO BOY. Constance Wu, a bit taken aback, gets a pep talk from Awkwafina, who, along with Nico Santos, gives her a Classic Romcom Makeover (TM) for the wedding. Constance Wu shows up to the wedding looking like Elsa from Frozen — but with flowers! Seriously, though, it’s a fab look. Everyone loves it. Except Michelle Yeoh. At the wedding reception, Constance Wu is feeling pret-ty good about herself...but come on, we know this can’t last!!!! Lisa Lu and Michelle Yeoh ambush her and Henry Golding with the news that Michelle Yeoh hired a private investigator to look into Constance Wu’s background. Surprise! Her father, who she had always believed was dead, is not so much, and Constance Wu is actually the result of an affair her mother had. Oh dear. Lisa Lu tells Henry Golding that he cannot possibly marry a girl like this (oh yeah, Henry Golding told Chris Pang earlier that he was planning to propose to Constance Wu). If he does, she will disown him. Constance Wu runs off in tears.

Sad times -- all is lost -- no amount of Henry Golding calling or coming by can repair this damage. Constance Wu just spends days and days moping at Awkwafina’s house until her mom, Tan Kheng Hua, shows up. Her mother admits to the affair and explains that she had an abusive husband. Constance Wu forgives her, uh, remarkably quickly for lying about this her whole life, which...is a bit odd, but you know, it’s a romcom. Who has time for subplots anyway?! Constance Wu agrees to meet up with Henry Golding one last time. He proposes to her, heedless of his family, but *GASP* she turns him down. Then meets up with Michelle Yeoh, secretively at a mahjong parlor, in order to make clear that she could have had him -- but walked away because she didn’t want him to lose his family, be estranged from his mother, blah blah blah. SUCK ON THAT, MICHELLE YEOH!!!! YOU’RE INDEBTED TO ME NOW!!!!!! ME, THE AMERICAN PEASANT. HA HA HA. HENRY GOLDING AND I WILL BOTH BE SAD, BUT MY HORSE IS MILES HIGH!!!!!!!! (...is what we imagine she feels.)

Satisfied, Constance Wu swaggers into economy class with her mom. But lo! Who should arrive but Henry Golding, chasing after her because Michelle Yeoh -- post-mahjong-showdown -- went to him and gave him the ring?! THE GIANT EMERALD RING!!!!!! OH EM GEE, YOU GUYS, IT’S SO SYMBOLIC!!!! This time, as he proposes in a crowded airplane aisle, Constance Wu says yes. Cut to their excessively opulent engagement party, where Constance Wu and Michelle Yeoh share a Look, and Gemma Chan meets Harry Shum, Jr. (Not bad, for an extremely wealthy, recently jilted lass!)

Best Scene: So many good scenes, but probably our favorite is when Awkwafina drives Constance Wu to Lisa Lu’s estate and the two of them are met by two extremely severe Indian guards outside the gate. The guards are wielding bayonets. It’s very funny, as are all of Awkwafina’s scenes.

Worst Scene: ...Weeeell, Ken Jeong spends most of his time in this film creepin’ on Constance Wu, his daughter’s friend, which definitely made us uncomfortable. But, to be fair, we wanted an American romcom starring Asians, and no romcom would be complete without us being a little grossed out. :|

Best Line: There were many funny lines. Pretty much everything out of Awkwafina’s mouth was solid gold. Constance Wu also had some good zingers. Unfortunately, we’ve only seen the movie once so far and can’t quote directly.

Worst Line: Ken Jeong and his son both creep real hard on Constance Wu, so probably something one of them said.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: Well, there’s the obvious — that this is the first (hopefully not last!) Hollywood romcom we’ve ever seen starring even two Asian people, let alone an entirely Asian cast. Plus a fun, fantastic, mostly-Mandarin soundtrack. Some of us may have cried. (“It was not me,” says Alex.) Also, Michelle Yeoh looked FUCKING AMAZING. How old is that woman now? IMMORTAL, is the answer. Also, we, as Chinese-Americans, are obsessed with food, so we appreciated that that common cultural trait was well-demonstrated in this movie, particularly by Constance Wu.

How Many POC in the Film: EVERYONE! EVERYONE WAS A PERSON OF COLOR! There was even one black extra in the wedding scene. We sighted her in the corner and got VERY excited.

Alternate Scenes: ...N-none? Honestly, we thought this was an excellent movie adaptation -- and just an excellent movie, period, which is maybe even more impressive. Yaaaay! No joke, we have already purchased tickets to see it again.

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Worse. The poster is fine, but the movie is better, of course, because the movie was good! It was a good movie! We saw a good movie!

Score: 10 out of 10 crazy-rich-Asian smooches. We never pretended this blog was objective, okay? No, but actually -- it’s a great romcom. If you love seeing unrealistically beautiful people kissing in unrealistically beautiful locations, as we assume you all must if you are reading this blog, you will enjoy this film. Go see it! Support non-white and non-Netflix romcoms! Plz. <3

Ranking: 3, out of the 149 movies we’ve seen so far.

[huckleberrycomics]

On this Thanksgiving, I’m going to give thanks for some of my favourite First Nations artists who continue to fight the good fight against colonialism

(that I have to research as part of my final exam anyway)

Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun, Coast Salish and Okanogan, born 1957. Surrealist painter, history painter, and creator of the Manifesto of Ovoidism. Featured here are his paintings “Red Man Watching White Man Fix Hole In Sky” (1990), and “The Fish Farmers They Have Sea Lice”.*

Rebecca Belmore, Anishnaabe, born 1960. Performance artist, sculptor, and activist. Pictured here are her works “Ayum-ee-aawach Oomama-mowan: Speaking to Their Mother” (1991) (a sculpture in response to the Oka Crisis in Quebec) and “Vigil” (2002) (a response to the missing and murdered Indigenous women in the downtown east side of Vancouver, BC).

James Luna, Payómkawichum, Ipi, and Mexican-American (1920-2018). Photographer and performance artist. Featured above are his works “Take A Picture With A Real Indian” (2010) and “Half Indian/Half Mexican”. Here’s his memorial article.**

Norval Morrisseau, Anishnaabe, 1931-2007. Painter. Founder of the Woodland School of Canadian Painting and a member of the “Indian Group of Seven”. Pictured above are his famous “Thunderbird” print (1960) and “Indian Erotic Fantasy” (n.d.).

Bill Reid, Haida, (1920-1998). Hugely influential Canadian sculptor who had an enormous impact on the art world surrounding the work of First Nations artists. Pictured above is “The Spirit of Haida Gwaii” and “Raven and the First Men”.

Susain Point, Musqueam Coast Salish, (born 1952). Printmaker. Pictured above are “Beyond the Edge” (2015) and “Transformation” (2005).

Edgar Heap of Birds, Southern Cheyenne, (born 1954). Mixed media. Pictured above are two examples of his work from two of his series “Native Hosts” and “Genocide and Democracy: Secrets of Life and Death”. 

And now for some writers!

I highly encourage you to read some of these books if you can.

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. You can find a free PDF here, or buy a copy here!

Bestselling author Sherman Alexie tells the story of Junior, a budding cartoonist growing up on the Spokane Indian Reservation. Determined to take his future into his own hands, Junior leaves his troubled school on the rez to attend an all-white farm town high school where the only other Indian is the school mascot.

Monkey Beach by Eden Robinson*. You can buy it here!

As she races along Canada’s Douglas Channel in her speedboat—heading toward the place where her younger brother Jimmy, presumed drowned, was last seen—twenty-year-old Lisamarie Hill recalls her younger days. A volatile and precocious Native girl growing up in Kitamaat, the Haisla Indian reservation located five hundred miles north of Vancouver, Lisa came of age standing with her feet firmly planted in two different worlds: the spiritual realm of the Haisla and the sobering “real” world with its dangerous temptations of violence, drugs, and despair. From her beloved grandmother, Ma-ma-oo, she learned of tradition and magic; from her adored, Elvis-loving uncle Mick, a Native rights activist on a perilous course, she learned to see clearly, to speak her mind, and never to bow down. But the tragedies that have scarred her life and ultimately led her to these frigid waters cannot destroy her indomitable spirit, even though the ghosts that speak to her in the night warn her that the worst may be yet to come.

Not up for something that old? How about Robinson’s new book, Son of a Trickster that came out this year?

Everyone knows a guy like Jared: the burnout kid in high school who sells weed cookies and has a scary mom who's often wasted and wielding some kind of weapon.

Jared can't count on his mom to stay sober and stick around to take care of him. He can't rely on his dad to pay the bills and support his new wife and step-daughter. Jared is only sixteen but feels like he is the one who must stabilize his family's life, even look out for his elderly neighbours. But he struggles to keep everything afloat...and sometimes he blacks out. And he puzzles over why his maternal grandmother has never liked him, why she says he's the son of a trickster, that he isn't human. Mind you, ravens speak to him--even when he's not stoned.

You think you know Jared, but you don't.

Something a bit more historical is Richard Wagamese’s Indian Horse.

Saul Indian Horse has hit bottom. His last binge almost killed him, and now he’s a reluctant resident in a treatment centre for alcoholics, surrounded by people he’s sure will never understand him. But Saul wants peace, and he grudgingly comes to see that he’ll find it only through telling his story. With him, readers embark on a journey back through the life he’s led as a northern Ojibway, with all its joys and sorrows.

Kiss of the Fur Queen by Thomson Highway is somewhat convoluted, but a thoroughly enjoyable read with a touch of queerness inside.

Born into a magical Cree world in snowy northern Manitoba, Champion and Ooneemeetoo Okimasis are all too soon torn from their family and thrust into the hostile world of a Catholic residential school. Their language is forbidden, their names are changed to Jeremiah and Gabriel, and both boys are abused by priests. As young men, estranged from their own people and alienated from the culture imposed upon them, the Okimasis brothers fight to survive. Wherever they go, the Fur Queen--a wily, shape-shifting trickster--watches over them with a protective eye. For Jeremiah and Gabriel are destined to be artists. Through music and dance they soar.

Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden is another excellent, tragically dark tale.

It is 1919, and Niska, the last Oji-Cree woman to live off the land, has received word that one of the two boys she saw off to the Great War has returned. Xavier Bird, her sole living relation, is gravely wounded and addicted to morphine. As Niska slowly paddles her canoe on the three-day journey to bring Xavier home, travelling through the stark but stunning landscape of Northern Ontario, their respective stories emerge—stories of Niska’s life among her kin and of Xavier’s horrifying experiences in the killing fields of Ypres and the Somme.

Not in a reading mood? How about some of my favourite films!

Indian Horse is now a movie.

Smoke Signals shaped my childhood.

Powwow Highway is amazing.

Reel Injun gets to the core of the history of Indigenous Cinema.

And Atanarjuat is arguably one of “the most indigenous films ever made”.

Happy Thanksgiving, lovelies! Support your local First Nations artists!

*I have met Lawrence and Eden. They are both very nice people. :)

**Huh, turns out my professor in the class I’m currently taking wrote this article.

(disclaimer: I am of settler descent, I am not Indigenous. I’ve grown up in Indigenous territories with lots of exposure to First Nations cultures, but I can’t claim that title for myself. I merely hope to uplift some First Nations artists and celebrate them, never to speak of behalf of Indigenous cultures <3)

[kissingfloor]

On not being believed, cared for, attended to

I have started reading a lot of posts by Clementine Morgan and it is so ridiculously shocking and relieving to hear someone that went through something different but suffered- at the root- so similarly to me. I can see the "objective" facts of the turmoil in my life and see how, had the conditions and care been different- if I had had support- maybe I wouldn't be traumatized today. Maybe it would have been tough but it wouldn't have completely shattered my psyche in the way that it did.

When everything was taken from me, EVERYTHING was taken from me.

When I map out my life Before- it wasn't perfect (so much of the groundwork in my collapse was done by my culture, my religion, my family, MY MOM). But for the most part I had a lot of family and stability.

It was simple- I was the oldest girl. I had my mom, my dad, and my brother. My mom worked from home and I talked to her for hours every day. My little brother and I played together all the time and I was fiercely protective of him. My dad was loving. There are many caveats to this as there are with any family, but I was an explosively happy child. The world was a safe and interesting and beautiful place I was genuinely so excited to be in. I had my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents that I stayed with every weekend. I had so much family and friends we treated like family- it does feel like I had a village that raised me. In high school I was the one out of hundreds of students who could map the biggest family tree. I had a pretty stable identity that I felt free and excited to explore. I was a daughter, a sister, a cousin and granddaughter. I was a best friend. I loved being home, because it felt like my castle. My safe place in the world. I knew I could always return to it, and I imagined being an adult and coming home to my aging parents and their chickens, and living a happy life. Doing things the way I was told things would go.

When everything and everyone left, I was suddenly and completely alone- separated from the people I thought only death would take me from. My brother was estranged and my parents were so distant, strange, and not understanding that I thought they had become different people entirely. When I worked up the courage to weep to them I was met with indifference and confusion and then shamed for my inability to cope, and called a spoiled and ungrateful kid. My mom said once, "I thought you'd be more resilient."

I wasn't able to see any of the other dozens of family members who raised me either. My caretakers had turned into hostile strangers. I was forbidden from talking about my life before because it would upset people. I was told that having it so good was wrong and made me a bad person- weak, lazy, emotional, spoiled. I was ASHAMED of the good things people had given to me, of the support I used to have.

The depth of how suddenly alone I was is bottomless. If my parents had died then everyone would have swarmed to comfort me. It would seem like my suffering was valid. Instead my family members were around me but acted like ghosts. They didn't see me anymore. In my most vulnerable time of need they were physically and emotionally gone. And I didn't feel valid for feeling that way. I was ashamed that I felt like an orphan when I wasn't one. I am only just now realizing that the physicality didn't matter- I WAS orphaned emotionally and at times physically. I was abandoned, wholly. What I am dealing with every day is that abandonment that hasn't really healed.

Even if my dad talks to me now, I needed him then. I needed him to have had a clue so long ago. Even if I let my mom visit me sometimes now, she's more than at arms length. It's almost a cultural performance to keep my fears of her dying while we are no contact at bay. It's an obligation I've chosen. But I know she will never emotionally understand what she did to me because I tried for years. So I don't look for that anymore. The time has long passed. The person that needed her was a child. But here I am now, an adult. What I need is for someone with a time machine to have been my caretakers. My parents, who originally had the power to save me from utter loss, failed. Now that power doesn't lie in their hands anymore. Even if my parents understood and apologized now, it wouldn't go back and heal the child in me that is absolutely crushed and alone. I am trying so hard then, to figure out what will.

----

I have been too afraid to hope for any sort of integration of my past self with my current one. When I was estranged and alone, memories of my old life and old family were so painful that they were actually dangerous. I used to dream about my old house every night and that caused me immense pain. It was unbearable, and so I think somewhere there is a block in front of really feeling the memories of my old life as my own. It feels like a different person experienced them.

On top of this, the fact that I had been shamed for bringing up the past drove this further. I was so afraid of hurting my parents and I knew that just mentioning our family would upset them. It felt like my very existence and experience for 14 years was an affront to them. A taboo. This drove everything further and further down. Deep layers of shame encrusted these memories. Not only memories, but identity. They buried the person I was.

---

Now that I am starting to realize the emotional reality of what happened- that I am not "hyper sensitive" or especially weak or prone to insanity, that I didn't just personally fail at coping, but anyone in this situation would have been absolutely shattered like I had. The recipe for trauma and structural dissociation and PTSD go like this- something more than you can handle, and no support after. Almost every box is checked for me, and so a total annihilation of my identity is not a freak accident or proof of a particular succeptibility I had, but a clinical guarantee. It was ENFORCED. I had no chance whatsoever, no one in my corner. And because all of this was not immediately visible to the outside world (we were clothed and fed, we went to school, we lived with out mom) no one else came running to catch us. They didn't know. We suffered incredible loss, had no support, and on top of it we were invalidated for our suffering.

For so long I believed that I was the one that was fucked up. That I was especially weak somehow. But really, there really WAS an objective lack of care, abandonment, and abuse. It really happened. If I feel orphaned and abandoned it's because I was. If I feel like I was forcibly removed from my home and had my belongings taken from me, it's because that really happened. If I feel shame around my reaction to this it's because that was forced on me, and the more I read about childhood trauma the more I understand that deep shame is the way children cope. It gives us a reason to all the "Why"s. It bottles everything up.

Shame is deeply connected to my PTSD triggers and mental health dips now. I didn't realize the depth and importance of it until now. But there is a deep feeling that I'm not valid in my trauma, that there's something really wrong with me.

But I am learning more and more that no, it was wrong to have abandoned me as a teen. I should have been supported. I should have had a family and a home. I should be allowed to celebrate and reinforce my identity and life from the first 14 years I lived. I should be allowed to take home in it and enjoy it, to talk about it without fear and shame. I should be allowed to be a main part of a family that is unconditionally loved and cared for. I should be allowed to keep the flame of my life lit. To not be extinguished for someone else's comfort.

It's true that my parents were clueless when they brought me into the world. In so many ways those 14 years were a mistake to them. But those years are me- they are my life. I will not be shamed when I remember and celebrate them and keep them alive. I am allowed to be a continuation of that girl who had that family. I do not by default cause suffering to the people who brought me into this world. I deserve to be here and I deserve a family and home. I deserve continuity and support. I deserve access to myself- all parts of myself. I am not taboo. I am not wrong or offensive.

[freespiritcreations]

The Long Lost Diary of Teenaged Yaya

Hey guys, how have you all been? As for me, for the past few weeks, I’ve been watching a lot of films pertaining to youth culture. I’ve seen all of the episodes of HBO Max’s “Euphoria” (2019), along with the movies “The Breakfast Club” (1985), “Mean Girls” (2004), “Mid-90’s” (2018), and “KIDS” (1995). Although all of these films take place at different times periods, their portrayal of youth culture is not too different from my reality. 

 I can definitely say that there were some characters who go through certain life experiences that I can relate too. Especially Kat Hernandez from the tv series Euphoria. Kat is a chubby girl who struggles with receiving and accepting love from other boys. She is also insecure about her weight, and confused about her identity. I personally know how it feels to grow up like Kat.

First of all, I too had that one summer as a middle schooler where I came back twenty pounds heavier. Most of the boys in my former middle school found me repulsive because of my size.

Also, like most girls, I was curious about the concept of human intimacy. There were times when I would express my fantasies through creating explicit drawings and writing odd stories. However, my drawings never pertained to any acts of sexual activities. Instead, they were drawings of sensual looking sonic characters. 

Most of the time, I would draw a specific character that I named Miu. Miu was supposed to be a cross between a lion and a wolf because those were my two favorite animals. 

I choose to draw anamorphic characters because it was like I was creating a world where everyone was imperfect and perfect at the same time. Every time I would draw, it felt like I was escaping to a world where everyone was a mess. But, we were all beautiful creatures because of our differences inside and out. 

In a way, Miu was drawn to be who I envisioned to look like and to become. I was incredibly insecure about the way I looked. Unlike Kat, I stopped growing when I was only twelve years old. So, I will forever be four feet and eleven inches tall. And, being fat and short at the same time doesn’t mix so well. Because of this, consistently drawing Miu was comforting to me.

As far as my stories, they too were also a bit different from Kat’s writings . I would often write fanfiction novels that were based off of my own life. For example, I would write love stories about me and whoever I had a crush on. In those stories, we could be in the world of Pokemon, Inuyasha, or any other anime shows. Yeah, I know, I was a very weird yet creative pre-teen. However, I didn’t have the balls to post them like Kat did.

As far as my stories, they too were also a bit different from Kat’s writings . I would often write fanfiction novels that were based off of my own life. For example, I would write love stories about me and whoever I had a crush on. In those stories, we could be in the world of Pokemon, Inuyasha, or any other anime shows. Yeah, I know, I was a very weird yet creative pre-teen. However, I didn’t have the balls to post them like Kat did.

As I got older, I had similar experiences in promiscuity too Kat. Just like her, it felt empowering to have some type of sexual control over guys. In fact, the more I felt that way, the more my identity started to change. I went from looking like a geeky nerd, to looking like a 80’s high school dropout, and finally I look like some kind of urban looking goth chic. My identity change increased my confidence over the past years.

However, that type of lifestyle does have its drawbacks. Similar to Kat ,after some time it became harder for me to recognize boys who actually had genuine feelings for me. I would try to push away those who showed me a lot of affection because I often feel like it’s a set up. Because of this, it is difficult for me to accept that kind of attention from guys. Overall, I can relate to most of Kat’s youthful experiences.

In addition to Kat’s personal experience, I’ve noticed a few common themes that these films share. These themes include teenage rebellion, drug abuse and dealing with relationship issues. Although these themes were portrayed in a fictional setting, they do resemble traits of contemporary youth culture. I can even relate to these themes from my own personal adolescent experiences.

I’m pretty sure most teenagers go through the challenges or phases at one point or another. Just like in the films, there was at least one character that had gone through these issues. For instance, Bender from The Breakfast Club had a reputation of being a bully and causing trouble. His behavior resulted from his unstable home life. Rue Bennette from Euphoria started abusing drugs once her family was breaking up. Stevie from Mid-90’s started hanging around a rowdy crowd because had no one else to look up to. Maddy from Euphoria continued to stay in a toxic relationship even though she was aware of it’s conditions. In a way, my adolescent life was similar to theirs.

 I can say that I definitely went through a rebellious phase by the time I was in high school. However, there were certain situations that lead up to that point that were similar to Rue Bennette from Euphoria and Stevie from Mid-90’s. When I was about ten years old, my parents had gotten into a nasty divorce. Not too long after, my step dad Fritz came into my life. His presence had felt threatening at first because I feared that he was going to replace my dad. Around the same time, I was diagnosed with bipolar depression. At the time, my mom treated me like another mental patient. My dad wasn’t really around, and my step father didn’t understand my mental illness. My moods started to become so unpredictable that it was extremely hard to hold onto friendships.

 By the time I was fifthteen years old, I started to smoke weed, sneak out at night, sneak boys inside my room, get into physical altercations, steal from others, and unexplainably start irrational arguments. It seemed like the only thing I didn't do was let my grades drop. Somehow, I was able to maintain a high GPA while acting like a tyrant. 

By that time, I had an estranged relationship with my family. My mom and I would constantly fight almost every other day. Although my step dad tried his hardest to earn my trust, I continued to resent him as my father. My little sister was so hellbent into tarnishing my reputation, that she would vindictively tell my friends and her own that I was crazy and to stay away from me. She would also purposely pick fights with me in front of her friends, so I could respond irrationally in front of them. She would do this just to further prove her point about me.

I felt so alone when I was a teenager, so I decided to look for acceptance elsewhere. I started to sleep around with boys who I knew were emotionally unstable trouble-makers. I also started to hang around gang affiliated teenagers with no ambition to better themselves. It had felt like my family, friends, and even my own teachers had seen me as no different from them because of my mental illness. So, I thought that that was where I belonged. They lost hope for me, so I began to lose hope in myself. I didn’t care where my actions would lead me, I just wanted to be a part of something. Even if I had to hurt or deceive others just to feel like I mattered to someone.

That’s what I thought at first, until my rebellious behavior caught up with me. When I was seventeen, there was one guy who I had a friends-with-benefits type of relationship with. He pretended to be interested in me, so he could find out where I lived. He had teamed up with my so-called “friends,” and they all robbed my family while we were at my brother’s wedding. That was the same day that I found out my step father’s cancer had gotten worse, and he was going to die soon.

Fritz died the day before Thanksgiving that year. His passing inspired me to better myself. I stopped being around a bad crowd, and began to improve my behavior.

That’s when I met the love of my life Cristian in my late teenage years. We had gotten so close because we both lost a parent to cancer the same year. As well as that, we both suffered from bipolar disorder. It actually felt like someone understood me for once in my life. I was finally receiving the love I’ve been longing for. What made things better was that he actually loved me for who I am and not just for my body. He even accepted my past as well.

That’s when I met the love of my life Cristian in my late teenage years. We had gotten so close because we both lost a parent to cancer the same year. As well as that, we both suffered from bipolar disorder. It actually felt like someone understood me for once in my life. I was finally receiving the love I’ve been longing for. What made things better was that he actually loved me for who I am and not just for my body. He even accepted my past as well.

However, because neither of us were receiving professional help for our disorder, we would often engage in violent fights and arguments. Eventually, we were engaged to be married, but our relationship was falling apart at the same time. I started to smoke weed nonstop. It felt like for the entire two years I was constantly high. I can’t even remember a time when I was sober for an entire day back then. I even started to experiment with other harder drugs, such as ecstasy, cocaine, and LSD. I was in denial that my life was falling apart. I wanted to num the painful thoughts of losing my father, my family’s trust again, my relationship and my mind.

Eventually, I stepped out of the relationship which ultimately ended it. I began to rebel again which pushed people away from me even more. When I had gotten arrested and was facing pending charges, that’s when I vowed to myself to regain my life again no matter what challenges I faced. I started to seek professional help, and I even regained my family’s trust again. I was gaining back the friendships that I had lost, and I started smoking weed only once a day.

It had seemed like my life was getting back to normal, until I saw Cristian again. The last time I had seen him, we had gotten into a very bad fight which stopped us from communicating for at least a year. When I saw him, we cleared the air and squashed any kind of bad blood we had for each other. He wanted to get back together with me, but I declined his advances. He was still persistent in wanting to at least regain a friendship again. So, we decided to work on that. That night, something inside of me told me to hug him, but something was preventing me from doing so. I wish I had given him that hug because he died two weeks later from a drug overdose.

The night of his candle lighting ceremony, his best friend told me that he had seen him the same night he passed away. He told me that Cristian was talking about me that night. Apparently, Cristian was telling him that he was excited that him and I were friends again. He also told me that Cristian’s plan was to get back together with me. That was the last time someone had ever loved me.

So yeah, my adolescent life was an absolute mess. To be honest, this entire experience was incredibly traumatizing for me. But, after watching those films, it made me realize that somewhere in the world, I’m not the only one that goes through hard times. I truly believe that the themes from these films resonate with the ugly side of contemporary youth culture.

On another note, the soundtrack for Euphoria had greatly impacted the narrative of the story entirely. I mean, what doesn’t go well with music nowadays. Soundtracks have a way of further emphasizing the focal point of a story. Especially, when the lyrics and meaning to a song matches perfectly with the situation at hand, as well as the movements being seen in the film. A soundtrack with these qualities emotionally connects an audience to the characters in order to empathize with what they are going through.

If I could pick ten songs to put on a soundtrack based on my adolescent life experiences, they would all be songs that were made at different time periods, including the ones that weren’t out yet at the time.

The first song I would choose for my soundtrack would be “lovely” by Billie Ellish and Khalid. The song is about being in a dark place in life and wanting to get out of it. This song is a perfect example of how I felt when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. During that time, I was battling depression because of my parents divorce. Not only that, I was being severely bullied while I was in middle school for liking anime. Other students would harass me and leave death threats in my locker. They would do this because they also accused me of being a lesiban just for watching anime. My mental illness had gotten so bad that I was in and out of hospitals, homeschooled, and then eventually placed in special education classes just for having a mental illness. I was at the lowest point of my life and often had thoughts of suicde. I wanted so desperately to be happy again like how I was when I was kid. I wanted to live a life of no worries and  live shamelessly, but I didn’t know if I was ever going to overcome my depression.

The second song of my choice would be “Drop the World” by Lil Wayne and Eminem. The song is about letting out your frustration on society  by reatulationg on the world around you. Like I mentioned before, by the time I was in high school, I went through a rebellious phase. I made careless and risky decisions because of how isolated I had felt from society. I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about how I felt, so I would bottom up all of my emotions until I would lash out on people. After a while, my behavior became a part of me. I turned into a selfish narcissistic person who wouldn’t listen to reason. I was so full of anger because of how I was being treated, so I began to treat everyone around me horribly in retaliation.

The third song of my choice is “Under the Influence” by Chris Brown. This song is basically about the feeling of being high while undergoing sexual intercourse. It also explains how his sex appael had gotten his partner lustfully addicted to him. Obviously, I won't go into too much detail, but this song describes exactly how I felt during my promiscuous adventures. For the most part, I was extremely high during those circumstances. I did it in order to not feel so guilty about my activities while feeling extremely relaxed during the process. In a way, it was just another addiction. It was also just another outlet for me to num the pain. Even so, the guys would not get enough of me.  For some reason, they just keep coming back for more even years later. Somehow, I became extremely desirable amongst the boys in my class despite my weight.

Anyways, the fourth song would be “idontwannabeyouanymore” by Billie Ellish. In a nutshell, the song is about how girls negatively envision themselves based on discouraging criticisms of their appearance. After the robbery situation, I began to reevaluate my life and who I was becoming. It took me sometime to realize that I did not like who I was becoming. I had even heard numerous rumors about myself regarding my sexual prerogative. A lot of people started to call me a whore, and I started to become ashamed of myself. However, I didn’t want to change that specific aspect about myself. I didn’t understand why it was okay for boys to be sexually active but not for girls. I wanted to change my behavior, but I didn’t want to completely change who I am. I wanted to accept my interests while becoming a better person.

My fifth song of choice would be “Heaven” by Beyonce. The title itself is pretty self explanatory, but overall the song is about losing a loved one. My step father was one of the best guys I’ve ever met in my life. He stepped in to be a father figure when my biological father walked out of my life. He was a smart, kind hearted, and considerate man. When he passed away, I was in denial about his death for about three months. Once I came into terms with it, the only way I was able to handle it was by telling myself that he was no longer suffering or in pain. Additionally, this song was already prior to his passing. Therefore, I found a lot of comfort with this song while I was grieving his loss.

The sixth song for my soundtrack would be “Love Yourz” by J. Cole. For a long time, I used to compare my appearance and life with other students who I thought were better than me. During my first healing process, I was starting to become grateful for the challenges I was beginning to overcome. I also tried telling myself that things could be worse off, and I tried to love myself for who I am while I was trying to improve myself. This song relates to a lot of what I dealt with during my healing process.

The seventh song for my playlist would be “How to Love” by Lil Wayne. The lyrics in this song remind me a lot of a reflection of my earlier troubled teenage life. If you listen to the song, the rapper talks about how men play a role in the way women view themselves and behave. Looking back, I can say that the lack of affection from my biological father had definitely impacted my life negatively. It had shaped me into becoming the person who I was. I honestly didn’t realize how much that had affected me until I started going to therapy. That goes to show how much an absent father can affect a young woman's life.

The eighth song would be “Losin Control” by Russ. This song elaborates how a toxic relationship affects the way a woman handles a stable one. When I first got with Cristian, I didn’t know how to accept his love and affection. I would accuse him of similar accusations that the previous men in my life have committed. However, Crisitan remained as patient as he could with me. Even when we would argue, he also made sure that we never went to bed angry. At the end, Cristian really did love me for who I am. He also didn’t know how to handle it because of his past trauma.

The ninth song for my soundtrack would be “WE ARE CHAOS” by Marilyn Manson. The gist of this song is that people are naturally a mess, and there’s nothing we can do about it. When my relationship with failing and my life was spiraling out of control, I started to lose touch with reality. Because I was constantly high, I didn’t feel like I was living. I felt like I was existing. It was like I was no different than a piece of furniture. I was there but I am not here, if that makes sense to you.

The final song I would choose for my soundtrack would be “Keep Holding On” by the cast of Glee. There are a couple of reasons why I choose this song. The first reason is because of the meaning of the song. This song inspires me to continue to move forward through bad situations. It also reminds me that I’m never alone, and that I have people in my life that have my back no matter what. The second reason is because the show Glee is one of my favorite comfort shows. That show has helped me overcome a lot of obstacles in my life. This also includes the episode when the characters had performed while singing that specific song. That sentimental moment has helped me so much when I used to watch it in high school.

Well that’s enough blogging for one day. Thank you for taking the time out of your day by reading what the hell I had to say. This blog post really lets you inside of my personal past, so please do not judge me for that. I am who I am. And, I’m no longer ashamed of my past. I hope this post inspires you and others to live your best life unapologetically no matter how you grew up. Don’t forget to not let your past or any mental illness define you as a person. You are more than that, and that’s what makes you special. Talk to you guys another time.

[automatismoateo]

A rant: I haven't spoken to my abusive parents in several years, and today I got an e-mail from my dad that was a random biblical verse. | Spoiler Alert: I got kinda mad. via /r/atheism

Submitted November 30, 2020 at 09:38PM by Obliterature (Via reddit https://ift.tt/2JdYlaY) A rant: I haven't spoken to my abusive parents in several years, and today I got an e-mail from my dad that was a random biblical verse. | Spoiler Alert: I got kinda mad.

My parents growing up were abusive and were the cause of various forms of trauma to my three siblings and I. My dad, a lapsed Catholic, decided he was a "Christian" again after Barack Obama was elected and started sinking into a far-right sinkhole of anti-intellectualism. My mother, is a right-wing Jew. What a combo, eh?

Anyway, I've been estranged from them for several years, because I couldn't handle their gaslighting, denial, and continuously crappy and toxic behavior. I told my Dad and Mom at the time that they would be back allowed in my life if they met certain conditions (seeking mental health treatment and committing to seeing through being the primary condition). Today, I get this e-mail quoting the Bible verse Psalms 95:6"

O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.

I don't know what came over me, but I flipped out. I got angry. And I couldn't stop myself from writing him an e-mail back. This may be petty, but I just felt like I had to share it. Apologies if this doesn't belong here.

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The E-Mail:

Oh, shit, are we trading favorite biblical verses now? Here’s a few of my favorites:

How about when Leviticus weirdly shames women for having periods?

" 'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. 20 " 'Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. 21 Anyone who touches her bed will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 22 Anyone who touches anything she sits on will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 23 Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, they will be unclean till evening. 24 " 'If a man has sexual relations with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean. 25 " 'When a woman has a discharge of blood for many days at a time other than her monthly period or has a discharge that continues beyond her period, she will be unclean as long as she has the discharge, just as in the days of her period. 26 Any bed she lies on while her discharge continues will be unclean, as is her bed during her monthly period, and anything she sits on will be unclean, as during her period. 27 Anyone who touches them will be unclean; they must wash their clothes and bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening. 28 " 'When she is cleansed from her discharge, she must count off seven days, and after that she will be ceremonially clean. – Leviticus 15:19-28

Or that one where God tells Moses that the crippled and handicapped aren’t fit for his church?

The Lord said to Moses, 17 "Say to Aaron: 'For the generations to come none of your descendants who has a defect may come near to offer the food of his God. 18 No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. 22 He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; 23 yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy.' – Leviticus 21:16-23

This one ought to hit close to home: kill your sons who are stubborn and rebellious. Well, what are you waiting for, pops?

If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard." 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid. - Deuteronomy 21:18-21

Ohhh, looks like any many who’s injured his cock and balls isn’t allowed in church either…I wonder if emasculation from wife counts? Is that why you never go to church?

No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the Lord. - Deuteronomy 23:1

Personally loving this one where men have permission to cut off a wife’s hand should she try to defend her husband.

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity. - Deuteronomy 25:11-12

How about the one where God condones bashing babies against rocks?

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us. 9 Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks. – Psalm 137.8-9

Or the one where God condones ripping babies to pieces, looting their parents’ houses and raping their mothers?

See, the day of the Lord is coming -a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger- to make the land desolate and destroy the sinners within it. 10 The stars of heaven and their constellations will not show their light. The rising sun will be darkened and the moon will not give its light. 11 I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins. I will put an end to the arrogance of the haughty and will humble the pride of the ruthless. 12 I will make people scarcer than pure gold, more rare than the gold of Ophir. 13 Therefore I will make the heavens tremble; and the earth will shake from its place at the wrath of the Lord Almighty, in the day of his burning anger. 14 Like a hunted gazelle, like sheep without a shepherd, they will all return to their own people, they will flee to their native land. 15 Whoever is captured will be thrust through; all who are caught will fall by the sword. 16 Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives violated. – Isaiah 13:9-16

Hubba, hubba, Ezekiel!

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. - Ezekiel 23:20

Oh damn, what about that time in Hosea when God’s all about baby-killing AND violently murdering pregnant women? I thought Christians opposed abortion?

"But I have been the Lord your God ever since you came out of Egypt. You shall acknowledge no God but me, no Savior except me…"You are destroyed, Israel, because you are against me, against your helper… The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open." - Hosea 13:4, 9, 16

And no examination of the Bible is complete without some New Testament Exodus shenanigans about selling your daughters into sexual slavery.

"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do. 8 If she does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her. – Exodus 21:7-8

Tell me, Dad. Do you really think you know more about the Bible than I do? I literally majored in literature and the “classics” of western culture. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 3.99 GPA. I’m halfway through a masters degree on these kinds of ancient texts.

You, on the other hand, are a fake Catholic who rarely goes to church and has mindlessly hooked onto far-right & conservative talking points in your old age out of your reactionary racism to the election of a black man to the presidency.

What the fuck happened to you? The [CENSORED NAME] I remembered when I was growing up was an marginally intelligent and moderate thinking person capable of critical thinking. The [CENSORED NAME] I’ve seen devolve into the anti-intellectualism of American-Christian nationalism & conservatism since Barack Obama took office in 2008 has been an embarrassment to yourself, to your Jewish wife, and to your children. Get a fucking grip.

Your politics and your religion are centered around greed, prejudice, and the marginalization of ethnic, cultural, political, and religious minorities. Your fetishization of your personal “freedom” and “liberty” over the health, safety, and human rights of others is vile and repulsive, and it illustrates that your ideology extends to only caring about yourself and your immediate circle, rather than for the common good of all people. (Not very Christian, bro.)

All that aside, you know my conditions for allowing you and mom back into my personal life. You must:

​

Be open and honest with our mother about her abusive behavior towards you and your children over the decades.

You must seek mental health intervention and treatment for her, to include medication and therapy. She is sick. She has been sick for a long time. She is long overdue for psychological help. Your enabling of her abusive and unhealthy habits is only going to further isolate you and her and compound her mental illness, as well as present detrimental effects to your own mental health, if they haven’t already.

She must commit to A.) Admitting the abuses she’s done to you, your family, her family, and all of her children and B.) Following through with her mental health treatment. No half-measures. No quitting. She is sick, and she has been sick for as long as I can remember. She will not ever get better or be better if she does not have your support and encouragement throughout what will likely be a very sordid and difficult treatment. She will not get better or be better if she doesn’t commit to seeking treatment for, what is likely, the rest of her life.

You need to finally own up to your own flaws, too. You have gaslighted us, your kids, and told us that the abuses and trauma we have endured from our mother and you have not happened; that we are liars and that are “ungrateful”. You have enabled your wife’s abuses by turning a blind eye to them. No longer.

BONUS: If you could at least try to understand that your politics are not only harmful to humanity at large, but to your children and grandchildren, as well, it’d be fucking nice to see you apply some critical-fucking-thinking to the ideology you’ve so mindlessly given yourself to.

Here’s the thing, [CENSORED NAME], I may be the only kid that’s cut you out of my life so far, but I can guarantee you: I will NOT be the last. [SISTER 1] and [SISTER 2] are tired of you, they are tired of mom, and they are ashamed of you. I tell you this not to hurt you or twist the knife, but to warn you. You have been dangerously close to losing them the way you have lost me for years. Every time one of your ignorant political rants shows up on their Facebook feed, every time you harass them about wishing mom a happy birthday, or harass their ex-husbands on Facebook, every little stupid and inconsiderate act you take, is pushing them closer to the ends I have taken to separate myself, my family, and my children from you.

As the status quo stands right now; you and mom are toxic. And I cannot in good faith bring people like you around my children. You did enough damage to me and my siblings. I won’t let you hurt my children, too.

You’ve already missed out on nearly the first two years of [CENSORED WIFE'S NAME] and I’s daughters’ lives, and [CENSORED SON'S NAME] has no idea who you people are. I am certain they cannot tell the difference without your influence in their lives. Can you?

I am not an unreasonable person, and I do not ask for anything that is out of your realm of capability or power; I am not asking for the clocks to be turned back and for you to undo the years of abuse and trauma you and mom inflicted on us. I am not the hateful and ungrateful son you have painted me to be. I may be stubborn and rebellious, but I am not without reason or compassion.

Your Stubborn and Rebellious Son, Take Him to the Elders at the Gate of Town For His Stoning,

- [CENSORED NAME]

[thesummerstorms]

I’ve been meaning to make a meaningful and less rambling post about this for forever and maybe someday I eventually will, but the thing I love most about Traviss’s Mandalorians is the adoption. And honestly, not even just the adoption as the straight-forward good KT meant it to be.

Adoption is complicated and messy and it defines every living generation of my family. 

My grandfather was the youngest of 11 siblings, most of whom he never met, before his mother put her children up for adoption. Some of his biological siblings he met later in life, and some disappear from the records without a trace. He was adopted by an abusive man because apparently social services back then were shit at screening, but he became the person he was because of his adoptive grandfather, who he loved to his dying day, whose name he always told me he was proud to have. Whose surname I chose as my own middle name years and years down the road because of my grandfather’s love.

He and my grandmother adopted my mom’s youngest brother. It’s not straightforward or simple or without hurt; it’s complicated by race and other things in ways that I, as someone mostly outside it, can’t and shouldn’t fully speak to. But it doesn’t change the fact that we are family, and as complicated as family is, there’s love and a sense of mutual responsibility.

Both my youngest cousins were abused both in and out of foster care before being adopted by my other uncle and his husband. They’re happy and growing and slightly spoiled, and whenever I come over their voices still get high with excitement. The youngest still wants to hold my hand.

I am adopted, in a manner of speaking. My mother has always been my mother, but my fathers have not. I hardly remember my birth father. My mother’s second husband, my brother’s father, raised me, legally adopted (chose) me as a teenager. But his  mother used to make sly comments about her “real granddaughter”- in reference to my infant-then-cousin and he couldn’t understand why I cried when he flung his choice in my face during arguments. He broke my heart when he decided, in the face of a long estrangement, to essentially leave me to die. I was burned. And yet, somehow as an adult, the man who is now my father and my mother’s husband gave me his name and took me as his child and I could still believe in his choice to love me.

My step-father has an adoptive sister. After their mother’s death, they both fell into bad situations, including drug use among other things. He came out of it, she didn’t, and they’ve been estranged a long time. But when we found out that her grandchildren were in foster care, my mother immediately raised the possibility of taking in my step-dad’s nephews as my new brothers. And even though we were surprised at the suddenness, no one was shocked at the idea of my parents raising new children. Family is family.

The expression “you can’t choose your family” has never quite rung true for me in the way I imagine it does for other folks, because my family has been defined by choice every step of the way. The choice of love, and of duty and obligation.

It’s not always straightforward. Sometimes the choice has been complicated or renounced, in the end, because it was unhealthy or because someone wanted out of their side of the obligation, and that’s part of most families too, welcome or not. But the choice is the foundation of how I see myself fitting in the world, how I define my love and sense of belonging.

When I found Mandalorians and saw them for a people who made the choice of family, who accepted adoption as easily as breathing, without any qualms of who was “really” whose child, who shared names without squabbles over bloodline, I recognized something of my own that I hadn’t realized before was missing from the common perception. I fell a little in love right then.  

Adoption isn’t always good, much less perfect. Though I’m sure KT would disagree with me, I see Kal’s adoption of his sons- and his posthumous, non consensual adoption of Etain- as harmful, imperfect, unable to last. Like my grandfather’s father, he is abusive, emotionally if not physically. Give what little we see of Munin, I’d put money on his own adoptive father being the same way.

But the complication- the acts of choice and failure, and of continuing to choose the family you have been brought to even when that first contract, that first understanding of love and duty that brought you there fails- is part of it too.

 Even if it’s not part of Traviss’s intent, even if it’s limited to our own meta and fic, seeing Kal, someone who made the choice he couldn’t live up to, and seeing his family as people who continue to honor their choice of bonds to each other even when their bond to him is weakened or broken matters to me, because I have seen and lived it.

The Mandalorians as a people who would not be confused by either of those things- either the choice or the rejection- who would never doubt the importance and the sanctity of either, are important to me in ways I’m not sure my rambling here can fully describe.

In this one way I can look at a fictional warrior culture and see reflected back my own self and the reality of the family who made me.

[losille2000]

A Saving Grace, Chapter 3

TITLE: A Saving Grace CHAPTER NUMBER: 3/? + Prologue AUTHOR: Losille2000 WHICH Henry/CHARACTER: Actor!Henry GENRE: Drama/Romance FIC SUMMARY: All press is good press, right? Not if you ask Henry Cavill. After recordings from a disastrous interview go viral, Henry’s life begins to crumble around him. He has no idea how to stop it from happening. Fortunately, he has a new assistant who could be his saving Grace. RATING: M (sex, language) WARNINGS: None yet. AUTHORS NOTES: Enjoy!

Chapters: Prologue - 1 - 2 . Also on AO3!

A Saving Grace Chapter 3

  They say the way to man’s heart is through his stomach. Grace’s mom never agreed with that adage and made sure that all her children knew the best way to a man’s heart was through the third and fourth rib. However, as of 10:13 AM October 3, 2017, Grace revised it further, having found an even better way to man’s heart—through his dog.  

 The dog was, also, practically the only thing Grace could find in the dossier about Henry Cavill that she could, conceivably, have in common with him. She didn’t like sports, or spending hours at the gym. She didn’t have parents who were still married, or a tightknit, productive family that defined the notion of WASP-y and the moderately wealthy. And she definitely wasn’t as well traveled or cultured as he was.

 She had poverty and an estranged father in prison. A mother who worked long hours at a clothing manufacturer until her fingers bled to support her children. Two of Grace’s brothers worked in construction as skilled carpenters, another had just barely graduated high school and was floating somewhere between becoming a gangbanger like his father, or a stand-up citizen with a legally paying job. Her sister, a high school senior and the designer of the fabulous blouse Henry’s dog had drooled on, wanted to go to design school next year, but Grace still hadn’t figured out a way to make it happen for her.

 What could they possibly have in common with each other, enough to reach some sort of tenuous working relationship? Well, other than their similar enjoyment of dogs. There was nothing. Literally, nothing.

 And yet, Grace thought, as she looked over at him: he wasn’t a different species. He was just a man, flesh and bone and hauteur, in need of a good cover. Something to hide his inability to filter his words and actions before he got himself into trouble. Just like her, really; what she portrayed to the outside world was not who she was. She carefully separated the sometimes-glamorous life of a Hollywood publicist with that of her home life, of the life of a first generation Mexican-American. Her sister and mother helped her hide it and package it in nice clothes, but that’s all it was. A shield. Her PR image, as it were.

 So, maybe, they did have more in common with each other than she’d originally thought.

 A voice, deep and careful, poked through her thoughts. “Are you coming?”

 Grace blinked and looked up at the tall, bulky man in front of her. She’d never been around someone who was large enough to make her feel small and delicate. But Henry Cavill did just that.

 “Yeah, sorry,” she replied. She shook her head, forcing herself to get her head in the game. While this wasn’t the place she wanted to be now, she needed to be present. She needed to wow Dany Garcia so she could make it out from under Dave and Elite PR.

 Grace followed behind Henry’s hulking form, staring straight ahead, watching intently at the way the corded muscles rippled along his back through the sweaty gray t-shirt as he walked.  He was gorgeous as fuck, she’d give him that, but she refused to allow herself to travel down that path. She wasn’t here to fall in love. She was here to work. And from their brief meeting outside, she had a lot of it to do if she was going to save his career.

 No, save him from himself. Also from that mouth that got away from him.

 He directed her into a giant kitchen that was as large as the three-bedroom bungalow she shared with the rest of her family. Dany sat on a stool at a large granite-topped island with papers spread out in a fan around her. Three separate cell phones rang different tunes begging to be answered first. It was impressive to watch her move through her work, shutting down something on one phone line, then talking politely to someone else about some movie deal she was organizing on another. And then, lastly, on the third line, threatening her daughter with punishment if she didn’t return by curfew that night.

 She finally set the third cell down and stood up to greet Grace with a bright white smile. “Graciela! It’s so nice to meet you!”

 Grace had been around this industry long enough to know when someone was putting on an act of happy politeness, but Dany wasn’t. She seemed genuinely pleased to meet her, and opened her arms for a welcoming hug. Even that was real, albeit light and somewhat distant with the knowledge that they really didn’t know anything about each other. In fact, Dany probably knew nothing about her. Grace had the advantage of an extensive Google search the previous evening.

 “It’s a pleasure to meet you, too, Ms. Garcia,” Grace said.

 Dany looked over her face, assessing her quickly and stepping away. “Ever call me that again and you’re fired. Just Dany is fine.”

 Grace laughed after she picked her plummeting stomach off the floor. Okay, she could deal with teasing. “Sorry, Dany.”

 “So,” Dany began, “Fred seemed pretty impressed with you after the meeting yesterday. Said you could hold your own against Dave without strangling him, which I admire.”

 Grace chuckled lightly, shifting the bag on her shoulder uncomfortably. Why was praise so difficult to hear, even for something so inconsequential?  She caught a glimpse of Henry out of the corner of her eye, flicking her attention to him for a moment. He had continued deeper into the kitchen toward the refrigerator where he’d procured an ice-cold water bottle.  She heard the snap of the cap seal and watched his perfectly shaped cupid’s bow lips close around the rim of the bottle to take a sip. He didn’t bother to look away from her as he gulped down half the water, his blue gaze boring into her with focused curiosity.

 It was difficult to differentiate the heat in his eyes as either hate or something… else. But she operated on the principle that it was at least dislike, because it’d been made clear to her that he wasn’t happy to have a nanny. She understood that much from the distasteful curl of his lip when they met outside and then when he insisted on dominating her about the stupid blouse.

 She cleared her throat and tore her gaze away from him. “I hope I live up to Fred’s and your opinions of me.”

 Henry can hate me, she thought. Having him like her wasn’t part of the job she’d been assigned. All she needed to do was keep him out of trouble, and maybe find a few things in common with him to make the next few months bearable in a professional sense.

 “I’m sure,” Dany said and pulled a thick black leather folder out of one of her bags. She slid it across the granite-topped island, but didn’t bother to look up before she began packing her other things. “Of course, you have the dossier from your agency, but this is all the nitty gritty information you’ll need. Numbers and security codes and passwords, where to shop, schedules, things like that.”

 Grace reached for the binder and flipped it open. The front page was nothing more than numbers and names, and from her quick glance, it was a literal who’s-who of Hollywood. Her stomach flopped. Even though she worked with these types of people all the time, she’d never been given a list like this and carte blanche to contact them. Her position at Elite wasn’t high enough to warrant it.

 Dany grinned. “Henry will fill you in on all the particulars about what he expects from you as a personal assistant, but he knows you’re really here for PR stuff. Right Henry?”

 A gruff mumble filled the room. Grace glanced in his direction. His lips pinched into a firm line as he focused on some invisible speck on the wall beside him, rubbing a thumb over it before turning back to them.

 “I wish I could stay longer, but I have a fire to put out at Paramount,” Dany said, shoving what was left into a bag. “If you have any questions at all, my information is on the bottom. Here’s your new email information. We can use your regular work one for PR stuff, but personal stuff, please use the Promethean address. There’s a Macbook in Henry’s office that his last assistant used, so you can go ahead and use it while you’re here. It already has the email account and other things set up so really it’s nothing to worry about.”

 Grace nodded, and looked at Henry again. Looking for some involvement from him. His expression hadn’t improved.  Didn’t he want to be a part of this? Why was he standing back and letting Dany handle everything?

 “Great, I think I’ll figure it out,” Grace said, dropping her own bag on the island.

 Dany laughed and nodded. “Of course you will, Grace. Fred was right. I’ve got a good feeling about you.”

 “Thanks,” Grace replied.

 And with that, Dany whirled out of the room, yelling her farewells. A few seconds later, the door slammed shut, leaving them in silence but for the whispering whir of the fridge compressor turning on to cool.  Grace closed her eyes, took a breath, and straightened her back. She had expected more introduction than this. At least a buffer to get to know her charge better.

 But she didn’t. Know him better, that was.

 She turned to him. “So…”

 He sighed. “Let me get cleaned up and I’ll be down to go over everything.”

 Before she could even reply, he disappeared. Henry escaped faster than Dany did, leaving her in a silent kitchen with a panting dog staring up at her expectantly.  Grace looked at Kal. He really was a handsome boy, just like his master. “Aren’t you going to follow your dad?”

 Kal licked his chops, practically smiling.

 “Guess not.”

 Grace turned to her new book and thumbed the dividers along the side until she found the one labeled “Kal” and flipped it open. There were instructions on feeding with the exact amounts, type of food, what sort of treats he liked, complete with photos to make it fool proof.  

 A second page had a list of veterinarians, both his regular vet and an emergency vet, plus a dog daycare, hotel, and groomer. This animal spent more time at the salon than she did, and that was saying a lot because she spent four hours every fourth week in a salon.

 The third page was all about traveling with the wooly bear and Kal’s designation as an emotional support animal. She’d already read about that in the PR dossier, but skimmed the information again; it still didn’t make much sense to her. Why the hell did he need an ESA? This man was wealthy, attractive—on the outside it looked like he had it all. Did he use the designation just so Kal could travel with him, or did he truly need him for support? And if so… why? Surely, he could use Kal’s friendship now, but before? Was he really that socially awkward?

 She grabbed the book and read as she drifted into the sitting room just off the kitchen. Grace surmised he must use the room a lot, based solely on the well-worn indents in the puffy couches and chairs; she understood why the moment she sunk into her seat. It felt like heaven.

 Kal crawled up beside her and laid his massive head on her lap, settling down and quickly falling asleep. Grace chuckled and ran her fingers through his soft hair, lightly scratching behind his ears. He was a good dog.

 Hopefully his owner would be just as good.

 Maybe occasional behind-the-ear scratches would work for him, too.

 The thought made her grin, but she turned back to reading through the information, refusing to allow the rest of her thoughts travel down that path.

  Henry quickly toweled dry and then threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, somewhat eager to return to his new assistant. Maybe he didn’t quite trust her, based on his first impressions, but Dany seemed excited to have her around. And he trusted Dany with his life—she hadn’t steered him wrong yet. So, he figured, he ought to give the new girl a chance. Even though it wouldn’t be easy, not knowing the reason for her new position as his ‘nanny’ and what she must think of him.

 He stopped at the bedroom door, turning back to his bed to look for Kal, where the dog usually slept while Henry got ready for the day. Kal was gone. Or, maybe, he’d never been up. There weren’t even dents or footprints on the comforter after the cleaning lady had been through earlier and made the bed.

 His stomach twisted. That dog and he would need to have a serious talk about loyalty if Kal was where Henry thought he might be.

 And he was.

 Traitor.  

 Henry found both Kal and Grace sitting in the family room. She’d slipped off her high heels and tucked her feet underneath herself in a position that still made her skirt seem ladylike—no small feat considering how closely the fabric clung to her thick thighs. Kal lay beside her, his big head in her ample lap, dead to the world.

 Her long fingers absently massaged the dog’s head as she turned a page in the Henry Bible, as his last assistant had called it, devouring it like it were some brand new bestseller. Maybe it was. His whole life—everything about him—could be found within those black-and-white pages.

 The thought that he could be reduced to a few pieces of paper and anyone else could assume the running of his life, humbled him. All he had to do was sit around and become some passive face. A brand, they tried to tell him, dressing it up and making it seem like it was all a good thing, with everyone else doing his work for him. All he had to do was show up, smile at the camera, say the right things, and he made all the money. It made him uncomfortable. It made him feel empty. Wasn’t there more to life than what could be contained in a few pages?

 Sure, he liked the perks. The money. The attention. The women. The innumerable ancillary incentives. But suddenly, for whatever reason he didn’t yet comprehend, none of it held the same excitement as it once did.

 He wanted to be authentic. To be himself.

 But what had happened a month ago—what that horrible reporter had shown the world—made it clear that the world didn’t want Real Henry. They wanted the brand. They wanted golden-hearted Superman.

 And that pissed him off.

 Grace stirred and pulled her feet out from beneath her, setting them flat on the ground. Kal didn’t bother to move, merely opening his eyes and looking up from his position. She laughed at him. Not only was she beautiful, but she had a dangerous laugh. A throaty, smooth one. It tickled the base of his spine, even, terribly close to a part of his body that didn’t need to be tickled. Not least of all by the woman sent to save his career.

 “What do you say, Kal?” she asked quietly. “Think your dad will mind if I give you a treat?”

 Kal’s ears perked up, suddenly interested.

 Henry cleared his throat to alert her to his presence. She didn’t startle. Instead, she turned to look in his direction. Henry shook his head. “He’s had enough treats this morning.”

Grace turned back to Kal, grabbing his head between her hands. She bent down and planted a big kiss on his forehead; Henry expected a smear of glossy pink lipstick to be left on Kal’s fur, but nothing transferred. When she pulled back, she stuck her tongue out and grabbed at the tip, pulling a bit of hair stuck to her mouth. “You certainly are a shedder, aren’t you?”

 “I have to brush him constantly,” he said. “Doesn’t help we’re changing seasons.”

 “How does that work when you’re traveling and he’s going all over the place?” she asked. “Does he ever acclimate to a location?”

 “Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. There’s still hair all over. Clouds of it floating all over,” Henry said with a laugh, feeling the tension ease in his shoulders. Maybe she wasn’t so bad, after all. She liked Kal. Kal liked her. There was a lot to be said in that. “And you’re covered in it again.”

 She glanced down at her lap and shrugged. “I’ll stock up on lint rollers.”

 Surprising, considering his initial expectations of her snootiness. She really didn’t seem to care about the mess, despite her outward appearance.

 “Fred told me to wear jeans and sneakers,” she said, as though reading his mind. “Don’t worry about it. I like wearing these clothes because it still makes it feel like a job, you know? Breaking down and doing jeans makes it seem like I’m just coming to hang out and I don’t want to get lazy.”

 Ah.

 “I can respect that,” he said, sliding into the chair opposite her. He leaned back and stretched his long legs out in front of him.

 He caught her looking him over, from his thighs up to his face.  It took everything to keep his mouth shut and his face impassive; he desperately wanted to lift a questioning, teasing brow at her to see what sort of reaction he might get.

 She bit her lip and blinked her eyes, clearing her thoughts. “So… should we get started?”

 “Sure,” he replied. “I’ll give you a tour in a bit, so you know where everything is. But first, I wanted to know why you were chosen for this. Are you a junior publicist? Senior?”

 Grace snorted. “No. But I’ve worked at Elite for five years now, since I graduated high school.”

 He guessed she was young, but he hadn’t thought that she was that young. Sure, twenty-three or so wasn’t that young—in fact, he’d dated women younger—but he was surprised to find that she’d been handed this task at her age and with her inexperience. It was a lot of responsibility, but he supposed youth would make the stress easier to handle.

 She continued. “I’m just a lowly social media specialist. Dave hasn’t promoted me yet, despite others promoted before me, but hired after. The reason I’m here is because I’m a woman and he sees me as expendable.”

 Henry frowned and sat forward, pursing his lips together. So they sent someone to him who probably had no experience in handling the very difficult, choppy waters of his fuck up? Lovely.

“Expendable?” he asked.

 “Since I’m also assuming some of your personal assistant’s job,” she said, “he thinks I’m suited for it because I’m a woman. You know, running errands, light cooking, taking care of a dog, catering to the whims of a man.”

 Ah, there it was. The high maintenance feminist coming out to play. “Maybe you were just redundant as a social media specialist so he was looking for a place to put you so you could stay employed.”

 “Or, maybe,” she said, straightening her back and growing defensive in body language, “he knew you were also a sexist jerk and I’d be able to stand up to you because I already deal with it every day.”

 “I’m not sexist.”

 Her perfectly shaped eyebrows practically shot up to her hairline. “Really? I heard a recording that would beg to differ.”

 He smacked his right palm flat on the table beside him, rattling the decorative vase sitting on it. Kal jumped up and looked at him. The dog moseyed over to him and sat at his feet, comforting his owner, doing his job.

 Henry took in a steadying breath. “Look, whatever you may think about me, it’s not true, okay? That reporter simply rubbed me the wrong way.”

 “There’s always an ounce of truth in any jest,” she poked back.

 He grimaced. “Look, I’m a traditionalist, yes, but it’s not like I’m stuck in the 60s or something. I like the idea of being the head of the house, the bread winner, and my mate being equal, but still… traditional. You know? I’ve had a lot of women I’m interested in lately thinking they can just ride my coattails without putting anything into the relationship, whether it’s in traditional gender roles or not. And when I ask them to maybe, I don’t know, meet me halfway through a traditional role—to contribute equally to our relationship and support me—they blow up. It reached a boiling point and I exploded on that reporter when I shouldn’t have. I’ll hate the moment I let those things come out of my mouth for as long as I live. Most of it wasn’t true and I would never, ever talk about women that way.”

 Grace was completely silent and eased back into her seat, folding her hands in her lap, watching him. Almost as though she were trying to intuit if he were being truthful. He hoped she heard his earnestness or saw it in his face. He hated the things he’d said in the heat of the moment, but he figured this conversation with Grace needed to happen if she was ever going to be fully invested in helping him save his career.

 “You might not ever talk about women that way, but that doesn’t mean you don’t think it,” she said softly.

 “That’s not true. Why would I hire Dany to run my business if I didn’t trust women?”

 Grace sighed, pushing the thought away for further inspection later. “Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. I’m here to do a job. To turn you back into box office gold.”

 He could see he still hadn’t won her over, but he figured that would come with time. As she spent more time around him, she’d learn. And he would try his damnedest to make her see that she was all wrong about him.

 Henry scooted forward in the seat. “How about that tour now?”

 He only hoped she—and the rest of the world—were wrong about him, just as he hoped he was wrong about her.

[kainefloyd]

{ KJ APA . CIS MALE .  23 . HE/HIM }  did you see that { KAINE ‘KAI’ FLOYD } just pulled up in hidden hills with { LORENA RAMOS } sitting next to them in the passengers seat - isn’t that cute ! you know, for a { NBA PLAYER - LAKERS }, i’ve heard they’re really { INDECISIVE }, but that they make up for it by being so { CHARMING }. i see them all the time on snapchat && yesterday in US WEEKLY i read that they { HAVE } 2 sons - can you believe that ?!

some basics;

Kaine ‘Kai’ Floyd is originally from Hawaii. He is Samoan & Hawaiian.

Goes by the nickname K-9 in the NBA for his name and number.

Born November 14 - Scorpio

Most of his friends back home call him Kai.

There’s over 100 people in his immediate family. At this rate, he has lost count.

Oldest of 9 siblings. 

Has the two most cutest, adorable baby boys with Lorena.

He’s a starting point guard for the LA Lakers

Attended UCLA for college where he got drafted out of. Never finished his degree.

Works with lots of children organizations and likes to give back to kids however he can.

Has endorsement deals with top athletic brands, drinks and his own branch/line off of everything he partakes in.

Him and Lorena were on basketball wives. They have a huge fan base of their relationship on social media thanks to the reality show.

Lives HERE currently

as a dad;

Father of Two Sons; Tide Alexander and Evian Reign.

Tide’s nickname  are Ty, Ty Guy, My Ty. And Evian’s are Evy but Tide calls him baby Evy

He wants as many kids as Lo will give him. He’s huge into family, loves being a dad and is very careful when it comes to sex. His goal is to only have one baby mama in life that he’s in love with, can spoil and get to tie down/be a stay at home mom which can be an argument/disagreement point that we can work on.

Tide and Evian are his parents first grandkids, his grandparents first great grands and he has a sister who is four. His parents were young when they had him and now only 45 & 44. and his grandparents are in their 60′s and 70′s.

He’s such a push over, his kids pouts and when they wrap their arms around his neck or want to be held makes him melt.

They literally are the light of his life. Nothing means more to him than those two little boys.

Has a play room for them that is extreme, full out little kid basketball court, swing set inside, slides, arts and craft sections, all the toys, everything.

Tells bad dad jokes sometimes. Okay most of the time.

Has their names tattoo’d over his heart

Kaine will also be there to babysit, help out single moms and do whatever whenever. He’s super caring and loves friends that can turn into family. There’s nothing more that this guy loves than throwing down a huge bbq for everyone, being behind the grill and when the kids go to bed, turning up with all the drinks.

lorena;

Love of his life.

Her smile and laugh are everything. Making her blush and their size difference. Huge turn ons.

They have an on again, off again relationship since Evy. which he hates for him and his sons but knows he is an ass and they have to figure their shit out before having another kid.

Kaine can be super romantic at times, makes sure to include things she enjoys like candles and pays attention to the little things she loves in life.

Still keeps her closet open at his place, buying her things to have there to try and get her to spend the night.

Compares every girl in his life to her.

Flirts around sometimes but that’s mostly his personality when they’re off cause she’s kinda hot when jealous?

Downfall is Kaine. entirely. they are set for life with money and their family’s shares in ebay, then the millions he makes from the nba, his endorsement deals, reality tv and all of that so he expects lo to want to be a stay at home mom?

He’s a dumb dumb but literally is the type to grab up on her butt and kiss her neck, very affectionate with her is his personality no matter what.

Expresses his appreciation and admiration for her frequently for their family, their sons and her, etc.

Wants to always provide for her, in lots of ways.

Never gives up hope they’ll be together forever. that’s why he hasn’t really laid down roots in his place? because he has his own ideas.

Wants to build an empire with her.

Knows how lucky he is and like, admits it but has big jerk energy sometimes when it comes to pride and needs to recognize her dreams matter too? like she is an amazing mom and wifey type. 100 percent. but she should get to live out what she wants to do just like he does.

His father is the terrible influence he learned things from and his mom really needs to speak to him about all of this.

his hawaiian family life;

His father was super unfaithful and always stepping out on his mom. They had a very toxic relationship, but in the culture, his mom was pretty much left to deal with it. 

Christianity and church is an important aspect in Hawaii so is their image.

They are Hawaii’s most famous family.

Kaine is the oldest of 8 kids that he knows of? would love a half sibling.

Kaine’s Tutu and Tuma (what he calls his paternal grandparents) are the matriarchs of the family and own acres and acres of land. They are beyond rich and created their own compound beachside where they had custom homes built for their children.

Kaine’s paternal grandfather and father are part owners of ebay and billionaires.

Kaine’s mother, Maria came from nothing. She was a model in New York City when she met Kaine’s father, Elei - EJ for short who was there for business. Her parents didn’t approve of her running off to marry him, but it wasn’t a question in her eyes. It was what she wanted to do and thought he was going to provide her with a life of luxury that allowed her to continue to stay in the modeling world.

All of his brother’s and sisters carry on the Hawaiian tradition with strong, Hawaiian names that came from ‘dreams’.

Maria is always in town as often as she can to visit, stays usually at Kaine’s and brings some of his siblings. Her family is estranged and she is struggling with trying to reconnect with them after all of these years.

kaine’s personal life;

Super loaded & knows what he likes and doesn’t in this world.

Is pretty private about things, not super flashy. Isn’t one for suits and stuff like that, even on game day. He does dress up during the playoffs though.

He’s into surfing, skateboarding, the island life and living, four wheeling, going on adventures, tanning and living more relaxed when he can.

 His home is super open planned which he fixes and gates up accordingly when he has his kids, don’t worry.

Loves a good beer, chilling outdoors, going to the beach or having a bonfire on a Friday night.

Listens to all kinds of music.

His party habits are kind of wild when he does go out, though.

Dark Liquor has him crazy, tequila makes him super duper horny.

Def sends Lo risky texts when he’s drunk and you can tell by the look on his face when it’s time for him to go home.

Kaine is into working out, very dedicated to his ab life, has a home gym and a half basketball court at his house outside but also a personal trainer he visits and has over. His work is never done.

Very strict with his diet and has a chef that cooks for him weekly, prepares meals and stacks his fridge and freezer. 

Tattoos are life. Has 12 currently and his artist on speed dial.

Has a huge man cave, collects old school vintage band and sports memorabilia.

Also into buying arcade games for his home to play at any time.

Is best friends with lots of top named players in the league and has a close, big brother/big brother relationship with Lebron James. Kobe was his idol.

Cars. This boy has 8 in Hidden Hills alone.

The house he owns is massive, but hates living in it without Lo.

Family owns a few private jets.

Wants to get dogs, he has some back in Hawaii that are his family dogs but for now he’s waiting until him and Lorena lay grounds better? Plus, he knows she loves her pup and doesn’t want to try and one up her.

connections;

in between on and off times with his baby mama, he has had some dating flings featured in the tabloids. not all are true, some are just friendships.

he knows that people could use him easily for fame and clout, so he is protective of himself and who he lets in his life.

no one random their sons ever. he’s extremely protective of them and his privacy, but is trying to make sure to branch out more and make more parent buddies.

as for friends, he’s a guy’s guy. loves saturdays being for the boys. would love all the friendships.

you can count on kaine to show up and come through with helping you whenever you’re in need. he’s a good listener, doesn’t care much about drama so you don’t have to worry about him repeating anything.

[gleeandshame]

Love Victor 2x08 Semi-liveblogging

Spoilers below of course

cw homophobia, religion, talking about drinking, etc.

Benji you can't be the one, I'm so mad

Hello, everyone is responsible for their own coming out unless they asked you to for them

The boys have to be over by this

Also yeah, she's about 5x more upset it's a boy I think.

But she's super catholic so she probably wouldn't like pre marital sex

the thing is when ppl are homophobic besides that being archaic, the sex thing, it's like.... you don't want us to marry so you want us always to be sinning or to be celibate.

Like drop the act

Anyway... woof

Also I'm sure Adrian is fine

but he's like why did you keep this from me, probably

I'm choking

Spongebob

See that was easy

also I forgot about Mia since Victor has been very gay this season

Uhhh, wow, slept over? passed out on the couch?

Pilar, fixes hair, fcking jabs Felix.

Lol, I mean pokes aggressively

Felix with his gender stuff again, nonbinary felix please?

Senator? Lol, he probably realized Pilar giving him some eyes

Also bro code with siblings is, idk how it is, I don't follow that

I don't want Mia to leave. can she get emancipation or something. I...

She'll probably admit she doesn't want to move but that would suck for her dad

You can't out people, Benji, what kind white little rich boy (I never figured him rich since he works, but looking at his parents)

No parent is gonna be happy to find their teen having s ex in their home

I do sometimes forget White People are clueless and just cuz they're gay doesn't mean they're allies

besides food and religion I never hear them talk about Victor's culture much in a friend context I guess, hmmm

that was a pretty good australian accent Rahim

"Ew, what? Shut up"

I don't know if that's sound advice Rahim

Accidentally calling her babe, oh my gosh. He might leave and sit with Pilar? Hmm something

You're not giving him a choice to choose a job over you though...

It's not realistic but it would be cool if you could move in with Lake...

Or maybe Veronica will tell him she wants to stay put?

She hasn't been seen in a while

your phone display better be off in the dark room, you ...

making out in a dark room seems fun. just saying. like for the end of the season or whatever...

Not that every gay person has to date but...

if you tell them he is in Alcoholics Anonymous (anonymous, victor) I swear to G*d

Ah yes, Iranian and Puerto Rican / Colombian solidarity

White privilege is a thing it's 2021, like come on

Woof.

Is Isa finally gonna tell off Father whoever the f*ck

I will allow you to meddle, Lake

It's his sponsor, not a hookup, Victor

OKay Lake this is Not The Meddling I meant

Mia is cute (cute quota met for the episode)

You got to ppl that love you right there

Meme from parks but its' Andrew saying Here is my girlfriend Mi and her is her girlfriend Lake,

I might edit that later myself but anyone can do it

Pilar looking more girly than Goth, is Not Necessary

It's like weird girl makeover all over again but lite edition™

People noticing the goth girl is a sensitive person :')

Pilar, I love your vulnerability :')

I choose you, so how come you never choose me?

WOOF

Okay I'm glad Mia stood up for herself and her own selfworth

also i'm teary

She should write her mom. I listened to a podcast Untitled Dad Project it was really good... and estranged family emails made me think of it

S3 character or finale of S2 the mom will show up I think

she still said gay a little weird but yeah

altho christians argue god loves everyone

but yeah that's... thanks Isa

She Quit! :' )

Thank you Isa

I'm not giving up on God, I'm giving up on you.

Yes Isa!

What the f*ck, Mr Mia's Dad.

She gets her own house or she moves in with her mom or something...

Wild...

he looks like he's about to cry at least?

Benji's house is Massive. Rich White Gay

OH my Gosh. This is on you Victor.

Always good to put Do Not Disturb even if you're just showing a picture

Yeah. well i guess a break was better than I expected. idk how well they work.

woof

[trendingnewsb]

For 100 Days, I Illustrated People In Exchange For Their Secrets

I’m Terence Eduarte and I’m an illustrator from the Philippines. Every person has an interesting story to tell and I wanted to channel that into this project. I gathered a lot of silly secrets from friends and unexpected confessions from strangers around the world.

Here are some of them.

More info: Instagram | trnz.co

“I’m acting in a play where this guy has to act like he’s secretly in love with me. But when the play ends, we go back to real life where I’m secretly in love with him.”

“I sometimes feel alone even if I’m with friends. I feel like I’m just an add-on when we’re together.”

“I want to ask my half-sister if our estranged dad ever touched her back when they were living under the same roof. Or was I his only victim?”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I always check if my friends are doing well, but people rarely ask how I am.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“Half of my friends are people I wish I never met.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I created an imaginary friend as a coping mechanism for my depression. Now I want to make her disappear but she keeps coming back.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I told my unborn son I wasn’t ready to be loved by him. The next day I miscarried.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“It was my 28th birthday last week and no one remembered it. Not a single call or text from my friends and family. So I woke up the next day, sat outside my house and cried quietly. My dog came and started crying too. It was the most beautiful thing someone has ever done for me.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I like playing with other people’s feelings because i’m unsure about mine.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I’ve cheated on quite a few guys. And now that I’ve found the love of my life, he wasn’t ready for me. He was seeing me while he was seeing his ex. If there’s any way to portray Karma in its purest, most painful and justified form, this is it.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I burned the suicide note I wrote a month ago. Today is a good day.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I wrote letters to my girlfriend everyday. Everyday until her lung cancer took her away from me.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I got drugged and raped by someone i knew and can’t get myself to tell anyone for fear of victim blaming. But on most days, i can’t help but victim blame myself.”

“Half of my friends are people I wish I never met.”

“I don’t like my close friends being close with other people.”

“I have a weird obsession with smelling the scent of paper and hearing the sound while flipping through the pages.”

“I can’t stand the ringing of bells. Every time I hear it, my heart beats faster. It reminds me of my mom’s voice and the bells on her keys that would ring every single time she comes home. God knows what she had done to me.”

“Everyone thinks I can drive but I just choose not to. The truth is, I never pass the test.”

“I fall in love too easily and terribly hard. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.”

“I’m a perfectionist who isn’t perfect at all. It’s exhausting.”

“I contributed to my friends’ success and resent them for not including me once they became famous.”

“I was abused when I was 6 or 7. I can’t remember which age, but I remember what the abuser did. He drew naked figures, showed me where to touch, made me touch things… Things I don’t want to remember. I didn’t know it was wrong back then, but I’m grateful that it didn’t go any further. It left a big impact on me and I always blamed myself for it. I got OCD after that. My every action repeated, my daily routines repeated. I wash repeatedly, lock and unlock doors repeatedly, read my school books repeatedly. I repeat words 50 to 100 times till It satisfies me. It affected my life so much, and no one knew why. And no one knew why.”

“He is the love of my life but I found that out too late. Whenever there is snow, it reminds me of him.”

“It’s been two and a half years but I still can’t tell those around me that I am HIV positive. So instead of focusing on what I can’t do, I volunteer to help change the stigma around HIV.”

“One day, I came home from the university and my mother told me to cover up my legs in front of my friends. She didn’t want them to realize I had gained weight and she said she was just protecting me from gossip. The comment didn’t leave my mind and I’ve been bulimic ever since.”

“Many years ago, I was so broke that I stole a roll of toilet paper from my office.”

“I made up an entire part of my life. People believe some of the things actually happened, but really a lot of my stories are fake.”

“It sucks to feel unimportant. I know you shouldn’t really expect much from people but it hurts to see when they only come to you when they need something. They only remember me, not because of me, but for something they might gain.”

“I am generally thankful and happy about what I’ve got in my life. But I always feel like there is a black hole in my heart that no one would understand, some pain just won’t go away and I’m trying hard to live with it.”

“I haven’t been posting any photo with my face on it since last year. I feel better than ever.”

“I am constantly thinking about what other people think of me. And I don’t think that’s healthy.”

“Father’s day will always be the time of the year I’ll envy everybody for posting how great their dads are. I used to be sad about it but now, I think I accepted that he won’t be that hero and role model every father should be.”

“I buy stuff I can’t afford to make people believe I am someone who I am not. They see Prada and Burberry while my bank account is on the verge of ruining my life.”

“I’m in the military so I can’t be open about my suicidal thoughts. They constantly give you training on suicide prevention but they don’t get that once you make the decision to take your life nothing changes that decision unless you have true hope, and that’s my husband for me. I don’t think very many people out there have true hope.”

“I wanted to visit my grandmother in the hospital but it was a long walk and I got lazy. The next day, she passed away.”

“I am a journalist secretly dating a high-profile and controversial public official. If this gets out, I’m almost certain I’ll lose my job.”

“I dont have a twitter account but I still stalk him on twitter just to check how he’s doing. He seems to be doing fine. I’m not…”

“My father usually takes my milk after coming home drunk and suffering from stomach pain. One night, I said no to him to punish him for his drinking. A week later, he had a fatal accident after another drink. I really feel sorry for not offering my dad the milk that night.”

“I try my hardest to make people happy because I know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

“Although the nasty rumors that circulated about me were untrue, I don’t bother correcting them and let people think I’m not a virgin anymore. But the truth is, I haven’t even had my first kiss.”

“I don’t know what I want…”

“I’m on the album cover of my cheating, lying, sociopathic ex-boyfriend. I’m still wondering if I should be ashamed or proud.”

“I like to think the best of people but I actually think most humans are terrible.”

“I’ve posted photos and stories on social media to show people how interesting and colorful my life is. However, it’s just the total opposite.”

“I tell people my mom died from cancer when she actually died from cirrhosis due to alcoholism. I didn’t want people to think she was a horrible mother. We were close no matter how different the alcohol made her sometimes.”

“I’m always the one who gets left in a relationship. I thought I was okay. I try to convince myself that I am okay. But there are nights when I just have sudden breakdowns and I ask myself so many questions. Is something wrong with me… am I really not worth fighting for?”

“I overdo things and I constantly make myself the center of attention because I’m terrified of being forgotten.”

“I lost my smile a long time ago. Now I go everywhere hoping nobody will notice that this isn’t my smile anymore.”

“I was born into a culture that never accepted me. Born to an Arab father and a European mother; I am constantly fighting two sides of my identity. Anxiety and depression has completely taken over me.”

“I tell my close friends a lot of details about my relationship issues. I can never tell if they actually do care, or if they’re just pretending.”

“Sometimes I feel like I am a really abusive person that only use people for my own good. This scares me so much.”

“I think I’ll never find my other half because I have a hard time expressing and feeling love; it might sound weird but I would only feel love after watching films and series because of the beauty they hold.”

“Five years ago, I caught my third girlfriend cheating on me. That was the time I decided to have a boyfriend instead.”

“I got drugged and raped by someone i knew and can’t get myself to tell anyone for fear of victim blaming. But on most days, i can’t help but victim blame myself.”

“It’s been two years but I still think about my ex every day. It’s cliche and lame I know. I wish I had a better secret.”

“I am in love with my favorite singer that lives halfway across the world. I often write her letters and I’m hoping we can be friends one day.”

“My first relationship was a physically and emotionally abusive one. When that finally ended, it took me a while to get used to the idea that love can actually be expressed in ways other than what I have experienced.”

“I talk to myself everyday in the mirror to rehearse how my day would likely turn out. Unfortunately, it never turns out the way I planned.”

“I never learned how to swim. So I just tell people that I have chlorine allergy. It’s quite embarrassing.”

“To this day, only my boyfriend and I know that I was pregnant at age 18. Not even my poem on a bathroom door was interpreted correctly by strangers. The secret continues to be safe between us and the hotel room where it ended.”

“I’m so self-conscious that I can’t even go to the grocery without comparing myself to other women there.”

“My bipolar disorder is completely out of control. No one knows, because I’m good at being fine.”

“I got rejected by my friends because they think I’m gay. I tried telling them that I’m not but I’m starting to realize they might be right. I’m lost between myself and our friendship.”

“I’m ashamed that I take pleasure in my friends fighting with their partners. It makes me feel better about being perpetually single.”

“I’m ten years older than my sister but she’s marrying someone my age. I tell people I’m unhappy about the age difference, but I think the real reason is I might be jealous.”

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2vUcfFG via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

For 100 Days, I Illustrated People In Exchange For Their Secrets

I’m Terence Eduarte and I’m an illustrator from the Philippines. Every person has an interesting story to tell and I wanted to channel that into this project. I gathered a lot of silly secrets from friends and unexpected confessions from strangers around the world.

Here are some of them.

More info: Instagram | trnz.co

“I’m acting in a play where this guy has to act like he’s secretly in love with me. But when the play ends, we go back to real life where I’m secretly in love with him.”

“I sometimes feel alone even if I’m with friends. I feel like I’m just an add-on when we’re together.”

“I want to ask my half-sister if our estranged dad ever touched her back when they were living under the same roof. Or was I his only victim?”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I always check if my friends are doing well, but people rarely ask how I am.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“Half of my friends are people I wish I never met.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I created an imaginary friend as a coping mechanism for my depression. Now I want to make her disappear but she keeps coming back.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I told my unborn son I wasn’t ready to be loved by him. The next day I miscarried.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“It was my 28th birthday last week and no one remembered it. Not a single call or text from my friends and family. So I woke up the next day, sat outside my house and cried quietly. My dog came and started crying too. It was the most beautiful thing someone has ever done for me.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I like playing with other people’s feelings because i’m unsure about mine.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I’ve cheated on quite a few guys. And now that I’ve found the love of my life, he wasn’t ready for me. He was seeing me while he was seeing his ex. If there’s any way to portray Karma in its purest, most painful and justified form, this is it.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I burned the suicide note I wrote a month ago. Today is a good day.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I wrote letters to my girlfriend everyday. Everyday until her lung cancer took her away from me.”

Image credits: www.instagram.com

“I got drugged and raped by someone i knew and can’t get myself to tell anyone for fear of victim blaming. But on most days, i can’t help but victim blame myself.”

“Half of my friends are people I wish I never met.”

“I don’t like my close friends being close with other people.”

“I have a weird obsession with smelling the scent of paper and hearing the sound while flipping through the pages.”

“I can’t stand the ringing of bells. Every time I hear it, my heart beats faster. It reminds me of my mom’s voice and the bells on her keys that would ring every single time she comes home. God knows what she had done to me.”

“Everyone thinks I can drive but I just choose not to. The truth is, I never pass the test.”

“I fall in love too easily and terribly hard. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.”

“I’m a perfectionist who isn’t perfect at all. It’s exhausting.”

“I contributed to my friends’ success and resent them for not including me once they became famous.”

“I was abused when I was 6 or 7. I can’t remember which age, but I remember what the abuser did. He drew naked figures, showed me where to touch, made me touch things… Things I don’t want to remember. I didn’t know it was wrong back then, but I’m grateful that it didn’t go any further. It left a big impact on me and I always blamed myself for it. I got OCD after that. My every action repeated, my daily routines repeated. I wash repeatedly, lock and unlock doors repeatedly, read my school books repeatedly. I repeat words 50 to 100 times till It satisfies me. It affected my life so much, and no one knew why. And no one knew why.”

“He is the love of my life but I found that out too late. Whenever there is snow, it reminds me of him.”

“It’s been two and a half years but I still can’t tell those around me that I am HIV positive. So instead of focusing on what I can’t do, I volunteer to help change the stigma around HIV.”

“One day, I came home from the university and my mother told me to cover up my legs in front of my friends. She didn’t want them to realize I had gained weight and she said she was just protecting me from gossip. The comment didn’t leave my mind and I’ve been bulimic ever since.”

“Many years ago, I was so broke that I stole a roll of toilet paper from my office.”

“I made up an entire part of my life. People believe some of the things actually happened, but really a lot of my stories are fake.”

“It sucks to feel unimportant. I know you shouldn’t really expect much from people but it hurts to see when they only come to you when they need something. They only remember me, not because of me, but for something they might gain.”

“I am generally thankful and happy about what I’ve got in my life. But I always feel like there is a black hole in my heart that no one would understand, some pain just won’t go away and I’m trying hard to live with it.”

“I haven’t been posting any photo with my face on it since last year. I feel better than ever.”

“I am constantly thinking about what other people think of me. And I don’t think that’s healthy.”

“Father’s day will always be the time of the year I’ll envy everybody for posting how great their dads are. I used to be sad about it but now, I think I accepted that he won’t be that hero and role model every father should be.”

“I buy stuff I can’t afford to make people believe I am someone who I am not. They see Prada and Burberry while my bank account is on the verge of ruining my life.”

“I’m in the military so I can’t be open about my suicidal thoughts. They constantly give you training on suicide prevention but they don’t get that once you make the decision to take your life nothing changes that decision unless you have true hope, and that’s my husband for me. I don’t think very many people out there have true hope.”

“I wanted to visit my grandmother in the hospital but it was a long walk and I got lazy. The next day, she passed away.”

“I am a journalist secretly dating a high-profile and controversial public official. If this gets out, I’m almost certain I’ll lose my job.”

“I dont have a twitter account but I still stalk him on twitter just to check how he’s doing. He seems to be doing fine. I’m not…”

“My father usually takes my milk after coming home drunk and suffering from stomach pain. One night, I said no to him to punish him for his drinking. A week later, he had a fatal accident after another drink. I really feel sorry for not offering my dad the milk that night.”

“I try my hardest to make people happy because I know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

“Although the nasty rumors that circulated about me were untrue, I don’t bother correcting them and let people think I’m not a virgin anymore. But the truth is, I haven’t even had my first kiss.”

“I don’t know what I want…”

“I’m on the album cover of my cheating, lying, sociopathic ex-boyfriend. I’m still wondering if I should be ashamed or proud.”

“I like to think the best of people but I actually think most humans are terrible.”

“I’ve posted photos and stories on social media to show people how interesting and colorful my life is. However, it’s just the total opposite.”

“I tell people my mom died from cancer when she actually died from cirrhosis due to alcoholism. I didn’t want people to think she was a horrible mother. We were close no matter how different the alcohol made her sometimes.”

“I’m always the one who gets left in a relationship. I thought I was okay. I try to convince myself that I am okay. But there are nights when I just have sudden breakdowns and I ask myself so many questions. Is something wrong with me… am I really not worth fighting for?”

“I overdo things and I constantly make myself the center of attention because I’m terrified of being forgotten.”

“I lost my smile a long time ago. Now I go everywhere hoping nobody will notice that this isn’t my smile anymore.”

“I was born into a culture that never accepted me. Born to an Arab father and a European mother; I am constantly fighting two sides of my identity. Anxiety and depression has completely taken over me.”

“I tell my close friends a lot of details about my relationship issues. I can never tell if they actually do care, or if they’re just pretending.”

“Sometimes I feel like I am a really abusive person that only use people for my own good. This scares me so much.”

“I think I’ll never find my other half because I have a hard time expressing and feeling love; it might sound weird but I would only feel love after watching films and series because of the beauty they hold.”

“Five years ago, I caught my third girlfriend cheating on me. That was the time I decided to have a boyfriend instead.”

“I got drugged and raped by someone i knew and can’t get myself to tell anyone for fear of victim blaming. But on most days, i can’t help but victim blame myself.”

“It’s been two years but I still think about my ex every day. It’s cliche and lame I know. I wish I had a better secret.”

“I am in love with my favorite singer that lives halfway across the world. I often write her letters and I’m hoping we can be friends one day.”

“My first relationship was a physically and emotionally abusive one. When that finally ended, it took me a while to get used to the idea that love can actually be expressed in ways other than what I have experienced.”

“I talk to myself everyday in the mirror to rehearse how my day would likely turn out. Unfortunately, it never turns out the way I planned.”

“I never learned how to swim. So I just tell people that I have chlorine allergy. It’s quite embarrassing.”

“To this day, only my boyfriend and I know that I was pregnant at age 18. Not even my poem on a bathroom door was interpreted correctly by strangers. The secret continues to be safe between us and the hotel room where it ended.”

“I’m so self-conscious that I can’t even go to the grocery without comparing myself to other women there.”

“My bipolar disorder is completely out of control. No one knows, because I’m good at being fine.”

“I got rejected by my friends because they think I’m gay. I tried telling them that I’m not but I’m starting to realize they might be right. I’m lost between myself and our friendship.”

“I’m ashamed that I take pleasure in my friends fighting with their partners. It makes me feel better about being perpetually single.”

“I’m ten years older than my sister but she’s marrying someone my age. I tell people I’m unhappy about the age difference, but I think the real reason is I might be jealous.”

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2vUcfFG via Viral News HQ