#especially layered over electric guitar.

[transmechanicus]

If i had thought projecting telepathy i would never use my voice and would instead mentally project it with a 1950's radio mic effect

[goblinontour]

Weekend Rockstars

alex finds himself in a new situation after a show on their first tour

warnings: smut, masturbation, glory hole, handjob, blowjob

word count: 2.8k

Berlin was cold. Cold, cold, cold. He’s been so fucking cold all day. The band had a show tonight, but they got there early to set up and everything. Alex felt bad for the few people that were lining up outside because he was still cold even inside the venue. He didn’t even want to think about going out. 

He didn’t know if it had to do with his nerves too or what, but he couldn’t stop shivering. It was so bad that their manager asked him if he was okay. Was he? Yeah…Yeah, he was. It was only their first gig ever in Germany. No big deal. 

Nope. Who was he kidding, he was freaking out. He always got nervous before shows but especially in different countries where he couldn’t even understand what people were saying. He did pick up a bit of German from his mum, but it proved to be completely useless. He still didn’t understand shit.

“Mate, you alright?” Matt asked, concern lacing his voice as he looked for his drumsticks. 

“Yeah, just freezing my arse off.” Alex replied, trying to laugh it off, but it came out shaky.

“He'll be fine once we get up there." Jamie chimed in, adjusting his guitar strap. "You know he always gets like this before a big show.”

Nick walked over, offering him a bottle of beer. “Drink this. It'll warm you up. And stop worrying, the crowd’s here to see us.” 

Alex took the drink, grateful for the gesture, but it did little to calm his nerves. He glanced out from the wings, the crowd already buzzing with anticipation. So many people. He still hadn’t gotten used to it.

The minutes ticked by, each one feeling like an eternity. The stage lights flickered on, casting an eerie glow over the instruments. The noise from the crowd grew louder, crashing against the walls of the venue.

“Showtime, boys.” their manager called, giving them a thumbs-up.

As Alex stepped on stage, the cold seemed to dissipate, replaced by a different kind of feeling. It was as if a switch had been turned on in his body, making him sweat and feel like he was burning. The roar of the crowd hit him and he felt like he was drowning. God, stop it Alex, you’re so dramatic, he thought to himself. 

He grabbed the mic, looking out at the sea of faces. “Hello, Berlin!” he shouted, his voice surprisingly steady despite all his nervousness. The crowd erupted. 

The first chords of the song rang out, and the energy was electric. Alex could feel the connection between him and the audience, a pulsing thread between them. It didn’t matter that he didn’t understand their language anymore. 

As they launched into the next song, Alex caught sight of a girl in the front row. She mouthed the words along with him. But this girl wasn’t just any fan. He’d seen her before, many times. She wasn’t even close to just a stranger in the crowd. She'd been following them around on tour for a few weeks now, appearing in the front row at almost every show. She seemed to like him, always making sure to catch his eye during the performances, and he liked her too. Maybe it was the allure of him being in a band for her, but he didn’t mind that as long as he knew he had someone he could have a little fun with after the shows. And fun she was.

Their ‘thing’ had started innocently enough, a few stolen glances during the first show she attended, a brief chat afterward. But it escalated. They’d hook up in the bathrooms of random bars they went to, or just backstage, anywhere really. He didn’t care. He was a rockstar! After tonight's show, he knew they’d find each other again. It was becoming a routine. The anticipation of the encounters they’d have added a new layer of excitement to each performance. 

Between songs, Alex found himself speaking to the crowd more than usual. He even made a few awkward attempts at German, which the audience thankfully seemed to appreciate. Each time he stumbled over a word, the crowd laughed and cheered, so he didn’t get that embarrassed about it. By the time they reached the encore, Alex was drenched in sweat, his earlier chill a distant memory. Long forgotten. 

As the cheers echoed in his ears, they took their bows, and Alex stepped off the stage, his heart still pounding. The rest of the band clapped him on the back, their smiles wide and genuine. 

“Told you it’d be alright.” Jamie said, grinning.

Alex laughed, a genuine, relieved laugh. “Yeah, you did.”

But the moment he was out of the spotlight, his thoughts shifted to her. Would she be waiting by the backstage door like she always did? Fuck, I need to fuck something. 

The answer came quickly. As he stepped into the dimly lit hallway backstage, he saw her, leaning casually against the wall, a sly smile on her lips. 

“Great show.” she said, her voice barely audible over the ringing in his ears.

“Thanks.” he replied, taking her hand and pulling her closer to smack his lips onto hers. 

They didn’t waste time. They could easily escape from the rest of the crew since they were all busy on that post-gig high. They found a secluded spot, a small storage room that offered just enough privacy. It was frantic. Urgent. Seizing every opportunity without a second thought.

Their mouths collided, tongues tangling as Alex’s hands roamed over her body. He grabbed her boobs, squeezing them through her shirt, his touch rough and impatient. Messy was the best way to describe it. He had a lot of energy and he liked to put it to good use. He didn’t need much time, he didn’t need it to last, he just wanted her. Now. 

He pressed her against the wall, his breath hot against her neck as he moved his lips down to her collarbone, nipping and sucking. She moaned softly, her fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him closer. His hands slid down to her waist, gripping her hips as he ground against her, the friction so delicious. 

In one quick motion, he unbuttoned his jeans, the fabric sliding down just enough. He grabbed her hand, guiding it to his erection over his boxers, making her palm him. She squeezed gently, her touch making him groan with need.

“Fuck.” he muttered. 

But of course, one of the guys had to shout at him from outside, breaking the moment. “Alex, we gotta go!”

He swore under his breath, more to himself than anyone else. “Fuck.” he whispered, looking at her with frustration in his eyes. “You coming with us?”

She shook her head, a regretful smile playing on her lips. “I can’t tonight.”

“Oh come onnn.” he said, giving her his best puppy dog eyes, hoping to change her mind.

She laughed softly, cupping his face in her hands. “I really can’t.”

“Fine.” he sighed, fixing his pants back up, the urgency of the moment dissipating. He leaned in for one last kiss, his lips lingering on hers. “Next time, then. You’re coming to the next show, right?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

She nodded. “Won’t miss it.”

With a final kiss, because he couldn’t get enough, he stepped out of the storage room, irritation still bubbling inside him. Only to see the culprit who had interrupted him by the door. Matt. Tapping his drumsticks against his thigh impatiently. Alex gave him a death stare, his frustration evident.

“Sorry, mate, but we really do have to go.” Matt said, looking somewhat apologetic but mostly amused.

Alex zipped up his jacket and adjusted it the best he could to cover up his hard-on, trying to make it at least a bit less obvious. He took a deep breath, willing his body to calm down as he followed Matt towards the exit.

The rest of the band was already gathered, the post-show rush of activity swirling around them. Alex joined them, trying to focus on the conversation they were having and not on the lingering heat left in his body. 

The venue was closing, and despite the decent crowd they’d gathered, they still had to follow the rules. They packed up their gear and made their way to a nearby bar, the cold Berlin night pushing them inside where the warmth and drinks awaited.

Inside, they ordered rounds, and Alex drank until the edges of his mind blurred and the chill in his bones was replaced by a comfortable fuzziness. 

Jamie returned from his trip to the bathrooms, a mischievous glint in his eye. He nudged Alex out of nowhere, causing him to nearly spill his drink.

“Al, you have to go in there.” he said, quite insistently. 

“Why?” Alex asked, confused and still a bit irritated.

“Just go, please.”

Alex was drunk enough to not think about it more. He shrugged, set down his drink, and made his way to the bathrooms, unaware of Jamie’s barely concealed laughter behind him  as he rejoined the others.

Inside, he decided he might as well pee since he was there. He stumbled into a stall, fumbling with the latch. As he relieved himself, he realised he was still a bit hard from earlier, the alcohol breaking all his inhibitions.

Without much thought, he started touching himself, slowly wrapping his hand around his dick and gliding it up and down. The sensations were heightened by his inebriation, and he found himself getting lost in the moment. He didn’t even realise he was making noise, his low groans echoing off the tile walls, unsuspected. 

Then, out of nowhere, he saw a hand pop out from a hole in the side of the stall. He froze, his breath catching in his throat.

“What the fuck?” he thought out loud, panic rising in his chest.

“Do you need any help?” a voice asked. Her voice sounded nice, but it only made him freak out more. What. The. Fuck.

He tucked himself back into his jeans hastily, his heart pounding as he practically ran out of the stall. He burst out of the bathroom and made his way back to the guys, his face flushed with a mix of embarrassment and residual arousal.

“Why the fuck did you send me in there?!” he demanded, glaring at Jamie.

Jamie laughed, exchanging amused looks with the others. “So you could get your fix since we ruined your moment with that girl you keep bringing around. Go back in there, punk.”

“I’m not going in there.” Alex said, shaking his head.

“Why not?” Nick chimed in, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s weird!” Alex tried to defend himself, but his voice wavered, the memory of the hand and the voice still fresh in his mind. She really had a nice voice. 

“Well, we’re not gonna help you.” Jamie said, smirking.

“Yeah, Al, just go.” Matt added, grinning.

And then the others started chanting “Go. Go. Go.” in unison, their voices growing louder and more insistent.

“Shut up.” Alex said, but they wouldn’t. They continued, their voices echoing in his head, the alcohol making it harder to ignore.

Finally, with a frustrated growl, he took himself out of the situation and stormed back to the bathroom. Whatever. He was too drunk to care anymore.

As he entered the bathroom, he took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. He glanced at the stall where the hand had appeared, a mix of curiosity and nervousness filling him. With a resigned sigh, he approached it, his heart beating faster with each step.

Alex knocked on the side of the thin wall of the stall. His voice was barely above a whisper as he asked, “You still there?”

He hesitated, afraid to look over and see. He’d heard about this stuff before, but he never thought he’d find himself doing it. Was he supposed to even talk, or...?

The silence stretched out, making his heart pound even louder in his ears. He didn’t get an answer, not a spoken one anyway. But then he saw that same hand peek through to his side of the stall.

Alex swallowed hard, his mind racing. He could feel the alcohol buzzing in his system, clouding his judgement and amplifying his curiosity. Tentatively, he reached out and touched the hand, his fingers brushing against the stranger’s skin. It felt surreal, like he was caught in a dream he couldn’t wake from. The hand didn’t pull away, but instead, her fingers curled slightly, as if inviting him to take hold.

He hesitated for a moment longer before gripping the hand gently. It squeezed back, and he felt a strange excitement wash over him. This was happening. Whatever this was.

With his other hand, he fumbled with his jeans, the fabric rustling in the quiet of the bathroom. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, but the need for release, amplified by the alcohol and the earlier interruption, was too strong to ignore.

The hand on the other side moved, fingers tracing a path along his wrist, guiding him with an unspoken understanding. His breath hitched as he followed the lead, his body reacting instinctively.

He closed his eyes, trying to block out everything but the sensation. The hand moved rhythmically over his length. He could hear his own breathing, ragged and uneven, mingling with the soft sounds of the person’s movements on the other side. 

He didn’t think anymore. He positioned himself properly and guided his dick through the hole, immediately feeling the stranger’s hand wrap back around him, getting a better grip now. 

“Oh fuck.” He bit his lip to stop himself from making any more noise.

And then he felt the familiar wetness and that warm feeling. She took him in her mouth. And he almost crumbled. He didn’t even know why the fuck he felt so affected, but the whole situation fucked with his head. Not knowing who was on the other side. And not even caring. Just feeling the pleasure. Feeling everything he could want right now.

He pressed himself as close to the stall wall as possible, the rough surface rubbing against his skin as he moved his hips, unable to keep himself still. His belt buckle clanged against the partition with each thrust, the sound echoing in the small space. He was losing himself in the sensation, the pressure building rapidly inside him.

He stretched his arms above his head, his fingers barely reaching the top of the partition, but he just needed to hold onto something, anything. His hands gripped the edge tightly, knuckles turning white as he gave himself over to her rhythm. 

His hips bucked uncontrollably. He was completely at the mercy of the stranger on the other side, her mouth working him with a skill that left him breathless. This was probably the best blowjob he’d ever got. His breaths came in short, desperate gasps, his entire world narrowing down to the sensations, to the intoxicating heat enveloping him.

The orgasm hit him hard and fast, his body tensing as he let out a strangled groan. He felt himself release and how she was swallowing around him. It left him weak and trembling, slumped against the wall.

For a moment, he just stood there, trying to catch his breath. The reality of the situation started to sink in. He withdrew himself, quickly tucking his spent cock back into his jeans and fastening his belt. He wiped the sweat from his brow, feeling a sudden confusion envelop him. 

He could hear her moving on the other side of the stall, the rustling of clothes and the soft thud of footsteps on the tiled floor. Then the sink ran for a bit, the sound of water hitting porcelain loud in his ears. She was washing up, and he felt a strange pang of regret, thinking that maybe he should say something. But what was there to say? The water stopped, and the creak of the bathroom door opening and closing meant she was gone. 

Alex took another deep breath, trying to steady himself. He stumbled out of the stall, his legs feeling unsteady. He splashed some water on his face at the sink, the cold liquid shocking him back to a slightly clearer state of mind. He looked at himself in the mirror for a second. He needed to get out of there before he overthought everything.

a/n: i wrote this in third person, not with “you” cause i felt like it fit better. also i did little to no research regarding how glory holes actually work so i don’t care if it isn’t accurate. and idk why i chose to set it in berlin but they actuallt had their first show in germany there in november 2005 so it fits perfectly. title is from fake tales of san francisco and it’s quite funny how it’s followed up by “are in the toilets” 💀

tags: @4chaos @st7rnioioss @theonlyoneswhoknowsblog @rentsturner @yourstartreatment @avxoxo1 @jqsvi @turnersfav @youresodarkbabe @psychedelicrocker @aacheinthejaw @hellcatshalalalaa @zayndrider @humbuginmybones @tedioepica

[reneesghostinthelivingroom]

Hey boo, love your writing so much

Was wondering if I could request a billie fic.

So I was thinking that this takes place on the HMHAS tour where reader is the guitarist in the band. Reader is mascfem and clearly works out. Billie flirts with reader a lot and on stage Billie and the guitarist kinda do a thing like Renee and Towa when they play tummy hurts. The fans can see the tension too and after a couple shows they kinda have a lil steamy moment after the show then get in a relationship but decide to keep it private but the fans keep speculating as Billie and reader keep getting closer on stage. You can choose how it ends and other details but that’s the premise.

It’s fully up to you if you want to write it of course ☺️ also I saw you talk about picking an emoji was thinking I could be 🎸if that’s cool with you

Baby, I Think you were Made for Me

|| Billie Eilish x masc!fem!reader

|| Warnings; swearing, small smut scene, slightly oblivious reader, Billie teasing reader

|| Summary; Billie can't seem to stop flirting with reader on stage and takes these feelings off stage with her..

Requests open!

Started; october 20th

Finished; october 20th

Reblogs, comments and likes all really help and are very much appreciated! Thank you if you do🫶

~~~

The stage was electric with energy. Billie singing up at the front with you and the rest of the band near the back, as Billie sang 'Lunch' she kept stealing glances at you with a smirk. You knew what she was doing, especially when she winked at you after singing "I could eat that girl for lunch". You'd nearly fumbled up your chords which Billie noticed. She really tried to not laugh. This was pretty normal for the two of you. There's always been a tension, even the fans had noticed it. And you'd always wondered if it would become more.

It's now been a few shows into the tour, Billie had called you up to the front of the stage to play by her side. It was 'Lunch' again, which seemed to be the song she flirted with you in the most. As she sang, she gestured for you to kneel in front of her. You easily obeyed. Getting down to your knees while you held your guitar; strumming away. She looked down at you with that usual smirk of hers, her hand coming to brush just under your chin. Bending herself down a little closer. The only thing separating you was the mic that touched both your lips. The fans were going insane.

"Baby, I think you were made for me.. somebody write down the recipe." Her voice hit those lower notes, the words she was saying... everything was making your head spin and you fought hard not to kiss her then and there. You didn't even know if she would let you. How you managed to keep eye contact and play you didn't know. She was driving you insane, hitting all the right buttons.

After the show was over and everything that needed to be done was dealt with, Billie found you and practically dragged you to her dressing room. She pinned you up against the door and you gasped out in response," Billie-"

"Shut up and kiss me already." She murmured against your lips and that was all the invitation you needed. You'd kissed her, lips moving against hers as you picked her up. Her legs wrapped around your waist and you'd held her with ease. Billie's tongue slipped past your lips and you parted slightly to give her better access. Your tongues dancing with each other as she moved her hips along you. You moaned into the kiss, adjusting your hold on her and giving her ass a firm squeeze. Making Billie moan. The vibrations from the moan sent shockwaves into your body. You knew you wouldn't be able to hold back now even if you'd wanted to. And neither could Billie.

When the two of you were done, she had curled up in your lap on the chair. Both down a layer of clothing and trying to catch your breathes.

"Fuck..." You murmured.

"Mhm." Billie agreed, looking into your eyes with a grin." Good 'fuck' though, right?"

"Definitely. You have no idea how long I'd wanted that." You told her, taking a couple of breaths between your words.

Her grin became a smirk as she cupped your cheek, giving you another small kiss," oh I can guess. I've been dropping hints for months."

"I thought it was all stage performance stuff." You blushed in embarrassment and she laughed at that. Which made you even more embarrassed.

"You're cute. But I was flirting with you off stage too, idiot." She teased and your blush deepened. Wow you seriously hadn't noticed that.

"So... are we a thing now?" You asked, Billie pretended to think on it. Already knowing her answer.

"Do you want to be?" Billie asked and you nodded. She smiled," then yeah." Her hands came up to grip your bra straps, making your breath hitch as she brought you even closer." now kiss me again."

Safe to say neither of you really slept that night.

The following shows, fans noticed just how much more the tension had grown between you and Billie. No words needed to said between either of you. People knew you were dating. And the stage kiss on the very last show of the tour only confirmed the speculations.

[neoplatinum]

can't remember to forget you - shakira | son chaeyoung

summary: is this love behind closed doors enough

pairing: guitarist!chaeyoung x fem!reader

themes: highschool au, weed, cigarettes, angst, fluff, music festival, rest of twice!, minor 2yeon, jooyeon and o.de from xdinary heroes

wc: 4.0k

a/n: FOR MY POOKIE WOOKIE CHAE'S POOKUMS (@nr1chaedickrider)

“do you know why she always carries that guitar?” momo’s watching chaeyoung walk across the field. that familiar brown guitar case strapped to the back of the girl’s back. like an attachment to her body. quick paces as she crosses the lawn with fishnets and platform boots on, layers of necklaces bouncing along in time with her steps. 

that signature dark lipstick. 

damn, she does look good. 

you look away from her, trying your best to concentrate since the start of lunch.

“she told me it’s her soulmate.” sana says back, digging into her jacket for a sweet candy, continuing to watch as chaeyoung crosses the field towards the other end of the school. popping a small chocolate in her mouth. “don’t know what that means.”

then sana looks down at you. 

“hey you’re friends with her right?”

you’ve been gripping your homework since momo spoke of her name. taking everything in you to stay still and not watch as your not-girlfriend walks past where you sat. and she knows exactly where you sit everyday for lunch, she knows this exact route like the back of her hand. but still she chooses to walk past it, she used to stop and wave to you discreetly before leaving. instead she’s plugged into her headphones and walking right into the building. 

“yeah, chaeyoung.” you just respond, trying to read the biology homework in front of you. terms turning into characters when you try to re-read the same question. but you can’t focus when your not-girlfriend has been ignoring you lately.

“right, that’s her name!” momo exclaims. then sana and her are back to bickering like siblings, all the while you’re trying to read this question again.

the cell cycle?

sana and momo, god knows why, have managed to flip themselves onto the grass and have their hand in each other’s hair pulling at it. legs and arms all over the place like they’re stuck to each other. you watch them briefly, trying to scratch each other’s faces. without missing a beat you turn back to your paper.

trying to refocus on the homework. anaphase…anaphase?

writing a few more lines across the page and munching on momo’s apple slices. you find yourself thinking about that stupid fight a week ago. you visited chaeyoung in her room, strumming her black guitar in her living room. weed filling the air as she tried different chords for her latest piece. one that she was discreet about.

you had visited her after she called you asking for a smoke sesh. and who are you to deny yourself the wonders of that green bud. 

more than anything, you love the haziness of watching her play her guitar. especially when she plays that electric one she keeps tucked away in her closet. the shine of that black and white electric over the body and her tattooed arms expertly bending notes. dark hair falling over her face, while she closes her eyes and just lets her hands play freely. 

hand flowing along the neck of the guitar, landing fingers in different, other hand holding a lit joint between her fingers. the smoke rising to the air. you feel your eyelids heavier as you lean backwards in the loveseat. 

watching the way the body is laid on her thigh, adjusting her playing every couple of seconds. sometimes playing the metal bar for some vibrato, the sounds ringing bending the sound through your ears. she knows how it sounds when she plays it, looking at you with a smirk as you take another hit. 

her eyes are low too, she always felt like her musicality shines when she’s not in her head. letting the playing speak for herself. coupled with the blue LED in her room, you think she’s gorgeous. a sight reserved for yourself. exactly why you are stuck here nearly every night, out of your own will of course. 

admiring the art that is son chaeyoung. even more of a treat you can listen to the art she produces. 

--

“you smoke?” you stuff your hand into your pocket, looking up suddenly. seeing chaeyoung hiding out behind the back of the school. after ditching class you were looking to just relax away from school, rounding out the back of the school. trying to jump the gate out back. and here stood in front of you was son chaeyoung. the last girl you would want to talk to her.

she keeps to herself in class, usually doodling or plugged into her earbuds. never speaking up, but you didn’t judge. here she is behind the school, flicking the ash off the end of her cig, earbuds in and a lock necklace dangling as she continues to stare at you. crouched down and phone in hand. her guitar case propped against the brick wall. 

she stares expectantly.

you don’t even know what to say, knowing her for barely a year and never speaking more than two words. she takes another puff, pushing her lips into a circle before aiming the smoke right into your face. 

immediately you step backwards, eyes stinging a bit from the cloud. the grittiness hitting your eyes, making you rub them and then you’re coughing a bit. the smoke hitting the back of your throat. chaeyoung laughs a little, staring up at you. you finally look at her again after wiping your eyes. 

“want to try?” she says pushing herself up, holding the cigarette out a bit. you stare at the lit bud, her painted nails, all black. and the way her hand is covered in silver rings. each one more intricate than the last. you nod lightly. looking back up at her.

her eyes are dazzling too, little browns under the sunlight. you completely forget what you said yes to. she brushes her hand through her hair, pushing it back. and then she pulls you towards her, hand around your neck, pulling you in like a magnet. other hand reaching towards herself, taking a breath in of the smoke. your eyes in a trance as the lit bud lights with orange and reds. then she takes it away.

her hand on your neck, snaking around to your chin, thumb pressed on your chin. until you drop your jaw. letting her move you like a puppeteer. eyes staring at your lips, blowing the smoke right into your mouth. letting that dark smell fill your mouth once more. the airiness of her breath makes your hair stand. 

woah.

then she pushes her thumb up, closing your breath once more.

“breathe it out.”

you let it flow out of you, that putrid smell making you scrunch your nose. she watches you amusingly, like a newborn deer taking its first steps. you barely know what you’re doing, it’s kind of cute.

then she returns that hand back to your neck, dragging you in for a kiss. one that makes your body freeze all over. your senses are all failing when all you can feel is her tender lips on your own. a hand pulling you in closely, and the smell of that awful cigarette between you two. she lets go of you, amusement still filling her face. 

you step back. she throws the case right over her shoulder and walks away from you, rounding the corner of the wall. you barely catch the sight of her guitar case when your body returns back to you. a curiosity building within you.

--

you’re trying your best to listen in, an ear pressed against the door. she’s always in this music room, room 202. every single lunch she’s here, using the school amp to play her music. you know this because you’re the only one she’s told you about this spot. made you swear to secrecy, if anyone else were to find out that she played here, it would ruin her charm as she says. 

like an obedient dog, you agreed. she doesn’t let you inside though, she never does. feeling so dumb for waiting outside like a kicked puppy, you’re ready to leave when you hear her singing. 

since when was she able to sing? 

a soft voice pulling at your heart, how you long to hear her voice again. standing outside with your hands stuffed into your pockets. listening to the girl in your heart vocalize through the confined walls.

you walk away from the room, tucking a cigarette between your lips as you walk outside.

--

some days are better than others, good days are when you can visit chaeyoung in her garage. watching her slide her hands across her favorite guitar. admiring the artwork draping the walls, like a cavern of her mind. a constant reminder of her artistic style and creativity. 

stepping into the garage you can already smell the weed that’s been circulating the air. taking a second to breathe in that familiar scent before closing the garage door right behind you. chaeyoung is sat on her favorite amp. littered in her own artwork and spray paint by the lovely artist herself. 

her head tilted down as she continued to play through different chords, each one prettier than the last. a pick between her lips as she concentrates on nailing the next measure. she’s beautiful like this, her favorite bunny tucked right at the base of the amplifier. 

tossing the backpack onto her worn couch, you plop right in front of her. watching the way her nail polish shines in the lowlight of an old studio light. she gives you a small nod as she continues to play. eyes never leaving yours, even as her hands move quickly along the guitar. 

you grab the joint that’s been lying next to her, taking a deep hit as she watches you. red across the whites in her eyes.

you lean back, letting the smoke go up, watching the cloud in the air as she continues to play. until she stops. setting the guitar down on her stand. and grabbing your hand, pulling you up.

“i missed you.” she explains, grabbing ahold of your neck, pulling you against her. 

you let your body fall against hers, laying your head against her shoulders. her arms moving to wrap around your. both of you slowly rocking in her garage.

“i missed you too chaeyoung.” you reply softly. letting the weight of today off your body. and she continues to sway you in her arms. it’s warm, her hugs are always so warm. and today more than anything you need her near. 

“tell me about your day.” she says softly, letting you continue to lean against her.

“it was tiring, you know how work usually is.” you explain, pulling her against you as you wrap your arms around hers too. “oh you missed it, jeongyeon confessed to nayeon today.” 

you stand back up, and chaeyoung stares at you, nodding slowly as she sits into the couch. grabbing her favorite strawberry glass cup as she drinks it.

“good for them.” she says, placing the cup back onto the coffee table. you watch the way she stares at her guitar. reddish eyes that don’t look at yours.

sitting down next to her she barely lifts an inch to look at you. busy grabbing her music papers off the ground. stuffing them into her folder as she leans back. and you do the same. letting your eyes watch the ceiling fan. a constant rotating, almost like it’s stuck in a loop. and really you can feel yourself feeling the same. 

the way that all you can do is wave at chaeyoung at school. restricted to the confines of these four walls to showcase your affection to your girlfriend. a reminder that the relationship that you two have only exists in this small space.

“chaeyoung, i want to be official.” you say gently, head turned to the side as you watch her side profile. 

“baby, we are official.” she says, taking a hit from her joint. 

“not to other people we aren’t.” you say, looking at her folded hands and the light thumping of her foot. “you won’t hold my hand in public, you won’t kiss me in public. why’s that?”

chaeyoung stares at you, eyes more opened as she watches you.

“why won’t you let my friends know about us?” you say with a bite. watching the way she continues to stare at you. lost in her own thoughts to offer up a response.

“i thought what we had here is okay.”

“i want more chaeyoung, you knew this.” 

you explain, watching the slight twitch in her eyebrows. 

the fiddling of her hands on her shirt. 

“i don’t know.” you hear, and just like that you grab your backpack, tossing it over your shoulder as you exit the garage. 

ignoring the pain in your chest as chaeyoung doesn’t bother to call out to you.

--

jeongyeon and nayeon are bickering like idiots in front of you. trying to step on each other’s calves to make each other fold over. you want to join in with them but lately, the fight with chaeyoung (if you can even call it that) has taken over your mind. instead you stand quietly next to mina. both of you watching the two girls, your arms folded over each other as you both walk in line for the music festival.

a little buzzing throughout your body.

the line continues to move forward and you can hear the distant music in the background. the loud chatter of everyone in line along with people lining the fields distracting you from the loneliness that’s been erupting in your heart. 

drowning out the sounds like a muffled speaker, until your feet reach the front of the line. a fellow classmate staring at your student ID expectantly. a scanner in their hand, and you show it to them. taking a second to look at the enclosed festival space. with a quick scan, you move forward into the area. a large open field crowded with excited students buzzing at the talents that will be showcasing their skills on stage tonight.

the heat beating on your skin, a light layer of sweat setting. the smell of grilled foods enticing the senses of jeongyeon and nayeon. them waving you and mina as they stumble away to the food stands.

mina’s pulling you through the crowd, slotting you two in a small open space. eyes forwards towards the stage. the sight of the fellow classmates on stage, pushing and placing microphones around the stage. long metal pipes laid around the giant black stage, light strobes hung along the top facing the performers. 

you keep picking at your skin, quickly grabbing a cigarette to slot between your lips. not lighting it but keeping it between your teeth as you roll it around. looking around hopefully for a head of blonde hair and that signature guitar case. instead you spot momo and sana in the back, giggling with each other before jumping to scare an unsuspecting jihyo. 

you turn back around facing the stage. arms crossed as your eyes land on everyone huddled closely. tapping your finger against your phone as you beg for it to vibrate. anything for a sign of thought from chaeyoung. she hasn’t answered your message from days ago, a clear indication she was retreating back into her shell. 

one that you often have to pull her out of, it’s just worse knowing that you are the reason why she’s retreating back.

you take another at the stage when you begin to notice the lights starting up, like a strobe light illuminating the dark stage. and out steps the administration, welcoming in the school spring festival.

you stare at your fellow classmates, some band members you can remember from your class. there’s jooyeon and o.de from english, along with their bandmates. eyes gleaming in the sun as they await their set. 

the crowd shouts as they continue their set. and through all the pop rock songs the sun continues to set into the night. the low buzz of people talking and laughing filling the night air. jeongyeon, nayeon and jihyo promptly rejoining you in the crowd of people. softly singing along to the covers of the songs. 

you watch as jeongyeon has her arms wrapped around nayeon. keeping her swaying in her arms. a deep feeling of longing in your heart as you stare at them. you even begin to feel a tear form before you snap out of it. the wind picking up as you continue to sing with mina. jooyeon and o.de giving their ending remarks and exiting offstage.

you turn to mina, offering her a light smile when she sees your distraught face all throughout the set. 

while you’re busy reassuring mina that you’re okay, a head of blonde enters the stage. jihyo and jeongyeon are busy fussing and bumping into you. making you turn your sight to chaeyoung up on stage. the dark lipstick that she always sports on her face. along with that guitar pick necklace you gifted her as one of your first gifts. 

the red of the mic in her hand and that guitar that she treasures most. 

you wonder if she treasures you in the same way.

people have begun to notice her on stage. everyone knows of chaeyoung, but few knew her truly. they didn’t know how she liked to sleep with that exact bunny by her side every night. they didn’t know the way she liked her coffee. they certainly didn’t know about that tattoo on her back. they don’t know how hard she pours her heart into every song she makes. 

they don’t know her like you do.

she takes center stage, eyes a little weary as she stares into the crowd. letting them sweep across the crowd. biting on her guitar pick as she stares out. and with a small huff she sits herself on the wooden stool. taking the time to adjust the mic stand. guitar laying on her body gently.

a reminder of every little ritual that you see when chaeyoung plays her guitar, all in front of your school to see.

staring at her as your body stills. not even the sight of jihyo and nayeon in your peripheral vision distracting you from your girlfriend. 

“hello, i’m chaeyoung.” she scoots herself further back onto the stool. you can hear the cheers from the crowd. they’ve never seen her perform in public in all the years that she’s carried that guitar on her back. 

everyone’s begging for a glimpse into what you admire so often.

“i know a lot of you have seen me with my guitar and wondered what i sing about? what i play about? who i play for?” she says, eyes continuing to stare into the crowd. she stutters a bit when her eyes land on you. hand gripping onto the red mic a little tighter.

“this song that i wrote, i wrote this based on my own feelings, and i wrote it for someone. please listen.” she says, taking a deep breath as she tucks a leg over another. letting the guitar rest it’s curve onto her thigh as she adjusts herself.

“this song is called ‘cant remember to forget you’, please enjoy.”

there’s light cheers and whistles as chaeyoung readies herself. 

and I left a note on my bedpost

saying not to repeat yesterday's mistakes

what I tend to do when it comes to you

her voice rings out clearer than the sound of water drops. the speakers hitting your ears as if she’s singing it to you. like all things that remind you of chaeyoung, one thing is the constant sticky notes in her room. dedicated to remembering the things that she cherishes most, one of which was the first note that she wrote to you, asking you to be her girlfriend. 

her eyes closed as she feels the music, hands moving along the guitar, and you can feel it, the emotions through her singing. a deep feeling as she nearly gets choked up. pushing through it to continue to sing. everyone around is swaying to her playing. 

her eyes landing on yours once more.

she’s singing this to you.

only to you.

the way you make me feel, yeah

you got a hold on me, i never met someone so different

the way she continues to slide her hands over the different frets. standing up quickly when she feels the emotions running through her too. eyes ablaze as she pours into her emotions. people are getting into the song, everyone’s cheering loudly and staring at her. but she can only focus on you. the way tears are falling off your face. the way the lights shine on your face. 

this song was made for you. 

and only you.

the only memory is us kissing in the moonlight

oh-oh ooh oh, oh-oh ooh oh

i can't remember to forget you

the memories of running down the sidewalks. laughing loudly as her hands were in yours. a box of takeout in hand and flowers in another. the memory of her slowing you down to give you a kiss under the moonlight.

every memory of your love under the moonlight, or under studio lights. love that only you two knew. tucked away from the world and those around you two. she rocks into the beat of the song, letting her playing get her into the feeling. 

the way you make me feel, yeah

you got a hold on me, I never met someone so different

her eyes are shining with tears too as she stares at you, you continue to stare at her. the way she can’t hold herself back when she’s singing. you’ve never heard her so vulnerable and open. a declaration of the feelings that she keeps away from others. and sometimes even you in turn. 

there’s tears in her eyes but she keeps singing to you. like all great artists they need a muse, and for chaeyoung. 

it’s you.

I can't remember to forget you.

she plays the last note, letting it fizzle out, and then the crowd erupts into a roar. everyone who ever thought she was strange for carrying her guitar everywhere is cheering in admiration. chaeyoung’s a talented artist. you knew this firsthand, but now everyone else knows it too.

the roaring in your ear feels like it’s muted, you can’t even hear them anymore. just the feeling of tears rolling freely, as she stares at you. her breath through the mic as she stares you down. that bunny hung onto the stand. she want you to know this song, it’s only for you.

only for you.

more people are cheering her on, begging for another song, erupting in chants of her name. 

“i’m only performing this song. i hope it reached the person i wanted it to reach.” she says. grabbing ahold of her mic, guitar, and tucking the bunny under her arm. taking a short bow before exiting off the stage. using the sleeves of her shirt to wipe the tears off.

mina’s offering a tissue to you silently, and you wipe your tears away as she looks away. a sweet smile on her face as you excuse yourself to find chaeyoung.

eyes a little blurry from the tears as you head off the side of the stage. seeing her blonde hair in the crowd. she looks gorgeous. and then she spots you, running up to you. throwing her arms around you as she pulls you into a kiss. 

taking the time to continue to kiss you even as you feel you nearly fall over. loud cheers and gasps as more people spot chaeyoung kissing you fiercely.

she leaves the kiss, eyes still filled with some tears but then she smiles at you.

“is this official enough?” chaeyoung smirks before pulling you into another kiss.

yeah, this is more than enough.

-- a/n: very late chae day fic hahaha !! sorry about that !! this is for my angst luver <33 angst4chaespookums lives on. stay safe and stay healthy everyone

[anteroom-of-death]

Teacher's Pet part 2

Synopsis: its the Monday after, what will the meeting involve for the Doctor and y/n?

a/n: uhm idk how sustainable my current writing rampage is. But tadah. We're writing to make ourselves happy. Set in the pov of the reader. Thank you to all who reads.

The Thursday after your meeting with Professor Smith, you felt like you didn’t even want to work. You could have sat on that bench until the evening chill came and claimed you.

Much more agreeable than one of your appointments canceling on you. You really needed the extra 150 quid.

Friday came and went. Nothing but dead air on the phones. The bookings girl was apologetic and let you have half a puff off her joint.

Such was life.

You were itching to get the weekend over. There was a footie match on, so you expected the bare minimum and weren’t let down.

Guess you were shopping at Aldi again, and figuring out how much of your savings you could really chip away at.

Monday was cold and dreary, it slapped you awake with your alarm. Your financial worries were keeping your sleep restless.

Not that you already wouldn’t have been kept up.

Your first class of the morning was somber. It wasn’t as dazzling at Professor Smith’s. The lecturer lacked chutzpah. Showmanship. Just droned on about hum-drum statistics and their relationships on graphs. You felt yourself slipping into a stupor.

By the time the class ended, you had lost most of your fingernails and had bitten a sizable swell on your tongue.

You dragged yourself into the toilets and started fixing yourself up. You were so nervous and every time you saw that man you fought the urge to drown yourself in the Avon. The man was beyond entrancing. Everything he said drew you in. And his flourishes?

Hypnotic.

You fixed your make up, glitter you had from your usual rota had built itself up in the corner of your eyes , no matter how much hard scrubbing you’d do, it would be there until it was time to get back to work on Thursday evening. You only had one class on Fridays so you could easily take two shifts.

You applied some chap stick to soothe a newly-chewed hole in your lip.

You muffled a scream into the sleeves of your jumper. You really didn’t know what was getting into you. It felt like your entire brain was sliding both downwards and to the left out of your skull. Through your ear. You were beyond close to failing this term. The term had barely started, but you knew it wasn’t going well!

And right now, you couldn’t afford to mess up.

You cursed yourself for following his order of “So long as it’s your last.” With your cigarettes. You threw away the entire, barely depleted pack into the trash can near the bus stop immediately after your meeting.

That entire ten minutes left you giddy and thrown off.

You sprayed some perfume on you and took a deep breath before trudging your way down to his office.

You knocked tentatively.

“Ah, come in (y/n)!” He announced.

His office was warm. Dynamic. He had an electric guitar perched on the wall. Overcrowded. There was so much to take it

Warm.

When so much of the university was drafty and got worse on days with bad weather. His office felt safe. Like somewhere there was an invisible fireplace roaring. It was more than comfortable. It was cozy.

You plunked your bag across the shoulder of the chair that faced the desk and started trying to drag out your notebook for his class.

He waved you down.

“No need for that, just yet.” He smiled easy. His holey sweater layered with a tee-shirt and hoodie matched it. The usual blazer he donned for lecture slung across his chair.

“How was your weekend?”

“I just worked. It was so slow.” You confessed.

“What about those appointments?”

You let out a nervous, yet angry laugh. “Oh, one canceled on me.” You tugged on your jumper. It was warm in here and you got nervous when anyone asked anything regarding work. You didn’t want anyone to know. Especially a professor at your school! What would the consequences be? The two worlds of you and your work never should meet. You tapped on your thigh.

“And yours?”

“Not much to report, just also work.”

“Ahh.” You replied. You felt awkward.

“Uhhmm, I have accommodations put in by the university for my stuff. But right now, I don’t think they’re working? And the office who deals with that is totally backed up and can’t see me right now.” You drummed on your thigh a bit more and pleaded with your eyes. You were way out of your depth. You were just hoping maybe he’d have some pity. Some empathy. His class was engaging. He talked so well about everything. It was labeled as a philosophy class, but it felt more like some advanced physics class at time. He was poetical and waned on about too many a topic.

It challenged you, and you did like that.

You went back to trying to claw your notebook out. He tenderly grabbed it out and placed it on the desk.

“Thanks!” You replied to the gesture…

He produced a plate of chocolate chip cookies out of seemingly nowhere. They seemed freshly baked.

“Since I’ll be keeping you from lunch…” He shrugged. “Hope you don’t mind. We have to go over everything.”

You took one, it was big and gooey. Delicious. Had a hint of something else in it that you couldn’t place.

“Now, love, what are we looking at?” He muttered rifling through the pages.

“Fuck if I know.” You blurted out. “Sorry for my language.” You slapped your hand across your mouth, as if to stop anymore profanity from escaping your lips.

“It’s fine, heard worse. You should hear my wife. Mouth like a sailor! She once went in for twenty minutes at some dignitaries that wouldn’t let her scarper off with an artifact!” He laughed.

The minute he mentioned a wife, something in your chest fell down deep inside your gut.

Of course he’s married! He fit the entire profile. You should have known that from a mere glance. His age, married. White collar job. This place was probably his passion. The one good outlet that stopped him from visiting other places…

You stopped yourself from putting him in a neat little box. That was for work. Not for school. You mentally shook yourself.

“She sounds a riot! What does she do?”

“Oh, she was an archeologist! And a professor! Total bad girl.” He reminisced.

The ‘was’ put that sunken feeling back in your chest.

“Your notes are amazing. Very detailed. Really appreciate the scribbles and the note of ‘if you can’t focus today-> you’re wasting £76.21 today’”. He pointed out your mathematical equation you did breaking down the cost of tuition, the fees and the exact price each class cost per day.

“Am I wrong though?” You grimaced.

“You’ve got the wrong perspective, but I can see where you’d go with that. Capitalism has ruined what should be a shaping experience for you!”

You scratched your neck and shook your head.

“Yeah.”

You both poured yourselves over the topics covered and the remarks you made about it in your ongoing scribbled in reminders to yourself about class.

You felt him leave his seat and move over to the one beside you, probably meant for another student. The way his hands (large, sinuous, seemingly decently manicured, thin and well-jointed, you noticed appreciatively.) Combed the paper and tapped on words was enthralling.

The conversation expanded. He was letting you go off and follow your own conclusions about the subjects at hand. He commented and helped you link one thought to the other. Like a well-oiled duo. The office lights warmly reflected off the steely blue eyes that seemed to glow and shimmer when you made your own conclusions that fell in line with the lesson he was trying to give one so and so day in so and so page of note. You felt yourself relax and curl into the chair, sat cross-legged.

“So that means that time isn’t effectively real It’s a construct as much as a hobby?” You reported your findings from the deep trudged corners of your mind.

“Fuck yeah!” He shouted. Echoing your sudden use of profanity earlier…

It was oddly endearing.

He caught your gaze and you saw yourself in those haunting blue eyes. There were things brewing in those eyes. His mind was working faster and more erratically than yours was. And you were the expert on racing thoughts and flying minds.

Or so you thought…

You quickly dropped your gaze.

A red, hot flush ripped through your body. It was like he stripped you bare. And not in the way so many others have seen you bare. It was like he was inside your head. He was inside you, your very soul.

You became all to aware of your body again, the sudden ricochet into personhood was oddly violating. You uncrossed your legs and tore at what remained of your one middle finger’s nail. Really gouging into the skin around it. Doing the ultimate amount of damage. The casual, open phase of this meeting had ended.

He noticed your change and smoothed himself out.

You hated that you were the catalyst for this tone shift.

“I’ve kept you too long, (y/n). Why don’t you go. I’ll email you if I can see you next Monday.”

The thing in your chest from earlier sunk deep again. Further than the last time.

You gathered your things and made your apologies with your eyes. Walking out, you noticed your middle finger was bleeding. Profusely.

The campus felt colder than ever.

You could have shot yourself.

[wastingstarlight]

💀🧼 drabble for the lovely @empresscirque and their prompt: "ghost playing guitar and soap liking it" 

pairing: john "soap" mactavish/simon "ghost" riley rating: T length: ~1k CWs: brief canon-typical violence A/N: ft! price/gaz mention for funsies, light angst, & a dash of hand kink bc of who i am as a person. thanks for the prompt and hope you enjoy! 💜

Soap is right fucking knackered.

The op had gone to shite as soon as the last two men guarding the garage pressed a silent alarm before Soap could dispatch them, summoning a small army of backup that had not been in the intel brief. 

It takes all his years of training, Ghost on his six, and sheer bloody luck to make it out in one piece. To top it off, since the place is now crawling with hostiles, exfil has been pushed back; they have to bunk in a safe house until things settle.

Soap barely fights the urge to groan as Laswell relays that charming detail to them. All he wants is a hot shower, a cold glass of water, and eight blissfully uninterrupted hours of shut-eye in a bed he knows he won’t get shot in. 

Well, as long as Price doesn’t figure out that Soap’s been the one deliberately shrinking his shirts, that is. What can Soap say; the man needs to get laid. He’s seen the way Gaz has been gawking at the captain, the way Price sneaks his own looks when he thinks no one’s watching, and Soap is more than happy to be their fairy fuckmother or whatever. He just wants someone to be getting some, is all. 

“Chin up, Sergeant,” Ghost—speak of the fuckin' devil—deadpans as he sets the course towards the coordinates Laswell had provided. “Least I’m not pullin’ a bullet outta your arm this time.”

“There’s still time,” Soap grumbles. “Think we’d get exfilled faster if ye were?”

Ghost snorts. “Not with the way our luck’s been goin’ tonight, Johnny. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

///

The safe house is standard; utterly ordinary, out-of-the-way, lightly stocked with food and gear. Working electric too, so Soap helps himself to a glass of cold water. That’s one thing off his checklist, anyway, and he’s already eyeing the washroom where a shower beckons. Maybe the night won’t be all bad.

“Go ahead,” Ghost says, like he’s reading Soap’s mind. “I’ll check the supplies, figure out something to eat.”

“Have I told ye how much I love ye lately, Lt?” Soap breathes, hardly thinking before the words are out and he’s brushing past Ghost and into the washroom. 

Soap stands under the blissfully hot water with his eyes closed and pretends he’s in a swanky spa in Glasgow instead of The-Middle-of-Fucking-Nowhere, Russia. It works, almost, but his grumbling stomach reminds him he has other things to tend to.

He switches the shower off with a sigh and towels off before tugging his base-layers back on. He especially hates this part—having to return to dirty clothes—but at least they’re quick-dry

Soap opens the door to the washroom, halfway to feeling like a person again, and then he hears it.

He thinks it’s the radio at first, on some weird Russian instrumental channel, but as he draws closer, he picks out little pauses, little imperfect scratches of fingers on strings, and he realizes right before he sees it that it’s not the radio; it’s Ghost.

Soap is not ready for the sight or what it does to him.

A single lamp casts the scene in gold and banishes the shadows to the corners of the sitting room. Ghost is down to his balaclava, t-shirt, and tactical trousers, cross-legged on the ground, a worn acoustic guitar in his lap. He watches his fret hand as he plays, his movements a bit slow but smooth, careful, practiced. Soap doesn’t know the song but he doesn’t really care; his eyes are fixed on Ghost’s hands. 

Big, scarred, powerful hands that Soap has seen slit throats, crush windpipes, disassemble and reassemble sidearms in under thirty seconds. Hands that are just as much a part of Ghost’s kit as his throwing knives. And Soap can’t stop watching those hands as they dance nimbly across frets, strum a precise rhythm that leaves Soap breathless for a reason he’s not allowed to let himself think about.

It’s over too soon.

“Ah didnae ken ye played, sir,” Soap murmurs, scrambling to fill the sudden silence before his traitorous thoughts do.

Ghost shrugs and ducks his head. He plucks a few more notes in a half-melody. “Dad taught me. ‘S been…a while since I’ve practiced,” he replies, voice rough, and Soap knows better than to push. 

There’s something desperately close to vulnerability in the air as Soap kneels in front of Ghost. Ghost’s eyes, honey-gold in the low light, track him the entire time, and curse that fucking mask because Soap would kill a thousand men to see Ghost’s face right now, to touch—

Soap swallows the want with practiced ease and fixes a smile to his face. “Y’know any other songs, Lt.? Closest I’ve been to a proper concert in ages.”

Ghost rolls his eyes but plucks out a few more notes before starting a new song in earnest. 

And the moment passes, like all these moments pass, because Ghost is Ghost and Soap is an expert at dealing with wanting things he’ll never have.

Soap tugs his knees to his chest, leans back against the sofa, closes his eyes, and lets the raspy acoustics wash over him.

He doesn’t realize he’s dozed off until he’s being woken up by Ghost pressing a mug of steaming soup into his hands.

“Eat this and get to bed,” Ghost says. Any vulnerability is gone, replaced by the Lieutenant’s gruff commands. “Long day tomorrow and I need you sharp.”

Soap knows the drill.

“Yes, sir,” he replies, stifling a yawn, and accepting the soup gratefully.

Soap’s sleep is as fitful and light as it always is in the field. 

But he dreams of music.

[dustedmagazine]

MJ Lenderman — Manning Fireworks (Anti-)

Photo by Charlie Boss

MJ Lenderman has a voice built for earnestness, a creaky tenor with holes worn thin where the emotion rubs. Listen with half an ear, and it sounds like he’s confessing to you: romantic disappointment, bad choices, bars and lies and gadgets that overcompensate for the empty spaces in his heart. Listen harder, and the writerly part of Lenderman’s art starts to come through, the clever twists, the novelistic details, the detachment. You get the sense, after a while, that he might not be singing about his own life at all. Layers of honesty and embellishment shimmer like a hologram; like Bill Callahan, he has the trick of being dead straight with you about things that never happened. Maybe they should have. They make good stories.

Consider how he tosses off a couplet about the quarter-life crisis in the title track, amid spun out country strings and distant squalls of rock guitar. In perfect waltz time, he confides, “Some have passion, some have purpose, you have sneaking backstage to hound the girls at the circus.” Which is perfect in a 1940s noir movie kind of way, but when was the last time anybody went to the circus?

The doomed romance, the ragged heartful-ness, the underlying shimmer of cleverness, that’s one element that makes Lenderman’s fourth full-length studio album so special. The other is the wrecking ball arrangements, that turn loose squalls of feedback addled electric guitar amid hazy swoons of strings. On “Wristwatch,” the slow-rocking sleeper of the bunch, he sounds a bit like Crazy Horse and a lot like the Replacements roundabout Hootenanny, which is to say drunk on amplifier noise but faithful to melody and throwing wild punches into the crowd. “Rudolph” blares and laments, its main riff a righteous conjunction of hard drums, electric sway and a pining pedal steel. It’s a banger, but Lenderman sings it carelessly, with an offhanded charm, as if he doesn’t know how big his song has gotten. “Bark at the Moon,” the album’s closing cut, lets things rip for just over 10 minutes, an ambling rock song ending halfway through to make space for vibrating waves of pure tone.

None of it is simple—especially given that Lenderman apparently played all the rock instruments himself—but here’s an artist who doesn’t break a sweat. Whether he’s launching a Neil-like arc of guitar dissonance skyward or getting off the perfect description of the horn that wheels through “You Don’t Know the Shape I’m In,” (“The clarinet, singing its lonesome duckwalk”), it never feels like Lenderman is trying too hard. It’s like it’s all natural, all heartfelt, all direct from him to you, except it’s not. It’s more interesting than that.

Jennifer Kelly

[miashyperfixations]

FOUND HEAVEN - CONAN GRAY ALBUM REVIEW

05.04.2024 • Pop • 13 Songs • 36 Minutes • 2024 Republic Records

★★★★☆

FAV SINGLE: Alley Rose

TOP 3: Fainted Love, Alley Rose, Winner

Synth pop is back. Following his sophomore album ‘Superache’, Conan Gray released his highly anticipated 3rd album this April. The Japanese-American singer has shifted from his previous singer/songwriter aesthetic to that of a glam pop icon, although his exceptional songwriting and storytelling abilities still shine through, most notably on tracks like ‘Alley Rose’ and ‘Winner’.

Overall, this project is very reminiscent of Queen and ABBA, with clear Bowie & Elton John influence, especially on tracks like ‘Forever with Me’ and ‘Lonely Dancers’. It’s an album of love and heartbreak, taking the listener on a rollercoaster of emotions over half an hour. Unlike his previous two, this record was not produced by Dan Nigro (Olivia Rodrigo, Chappel Roan, Caroline Polachek), but instead primarily by Max Martin, who worked on, Taylor Swift’s original ‘1989’ album in 2014, The Weeknd’s ‘The Highlights’, and more recently, Ariana Grande’s new album ‘Eternal Sunshine’ - the man is a pop legend. He knows what he’s doing.

The first and lead single, Never Ending Song, set the tone for this album back in May. It’s a vibrant synthy sound, aided by energetic drums to fully showcase Conan’s lower register vocals. The record overall gives off an 80s new wave synth vibe but also sounds like it should be in a 2000s movie soundtrack. Especially with well-received tracks like ‘Bourgeoisieses’, a fun rage song with rhythmic drive, and a synth bassline underneath seamless chorus vocald for added effect. Multiple layers reflect the multiple layers of society the song acknowledges, with Conan sings about the different classes of people and how he wanted to belong in a higher class when he was younger.

The piano ballad ‘Winner’ acts as a beautiful album closer, with even more stunning stacked vocals to really get the message across. Tissues are definitely needed for this one. He’s really started to return to his singer-songwriter roots whilst still managing to keep elements of this new sound such as electric guitar chords in time with the piano and dramatic drums to keep a rhythm and dramatise the song further on top of his hard-hitting, gut-wrenching lyrics.

I think overall I still prefer Superache, but this is an exceptionally well written & produced record. The experimentation has paid off greatly, and Conan suits this style very well. Many male artists these days stray towards performing with a band and stick to standing with a guitar so it’s refreshing to see a gen Z male artist that isn’t afraid to dance around a big stage and have fun with their fans. Conan also has plans to go on tour across Australia, Asia, North America & Europe later this year with support from British popstar, Maisie Peters & American alt pop duo, Between Friends. Having peaked at No. 4 on the UK album charts and No. 2 on the US Top Album sales chart, it’s obvious he’s going to be one of the next big names in pop.

[splynter]

A Letter for The First Lost

A drabble about Wings Unflown. Iterator oc

Flooding, flooding with data. A dam barely restraining the overflow of code, information, and music. There is no room for thought or diverted focus, and that is how Wings wants it.

Music blasts in her chamber like a siren and fills her thoughts with intense guitar and orchestral ensembles. Neuron flies dance around her body in time with the rhythm, swarming in and out of her chamber in waves of powerful information. They fly through screens that surround her in words and footage and pearls. Perhaps this could be considered overstimulating, especially to one with lesser capacity than she. Yet here she is. Working. Thriving

Distracting herself...

No matter how hard she tries to bury, archive, and file away the data, she still cannot get all reminders out of her head. Ending's schematics, their core purpose, chatlogs upon chatlogs upon *mems* of them that she stripped and saved and buried. Their music playlist, once at the top of the SOLA playlist files, is now buried beneath every other playlist she has made. Not one song is allowed to be played. They've been erradicated from every other location. She just cannot risk accidentally happening upon a song on her radio that they loved. It hurts.. It reminds her that they can’t listen anymore..

...

Of course!! She's not thinking about that!! She is thinking so so very much, but it's about everything except what she actually needs to think about!! She gets a lifetime of work finished in mere minutes, she floods her feed with layers upon layers of content, she has three entire brains overflowing with information, and none of them are focusing on the issue at hand. Imagine that! Because she isn't!!

Or... maybe she is. Maybe.. maybe there is a simulation deep in her processes. One that is constantly being adjusted for accuracy. One that will forever be outdated because she never knew how they acted outside of their can.

Still.. still it plays. Over and over again. It is a simulation of a hypothetical visit. Wings in her chamber, hovering close to the floor, and right across from her is Ending. It's not real. It never will be. But she couldn't help herself. Every word she makes them say cuts a wound in her chest.

“I missed you, Wings.” They say every time. But it's not real

“{I'm so sorry I couldn't reach you.}” She replies in turn. ”[My towers reach everyone but I couldn't reach you.] |I'm so, so sorry..|“

”It's okay, it's not your fault.“ Every single time they say that, it doesn't feel right

”Of course it is!!” She wails. “{You were GONE!!} [I could've tried harder to find you, to search for you, to connect somehow but ] |But I didn't!! I never did!!|”

She never understands why they don't reply. In every simulation of this same scenario, even after so many adjustments for accuracy, they would never reply. They would only stand and stare at her with quiet, sad eyes. Perhaps it's because she's right. Perhaps it's because it truly is her fault.

She can't... handle it anymore. Simulation 3,440,509 of this same conversation, and it finally breaks her. She crumples to her knees on the floor of her chamber. She buries her face in her hands and every mind wails. It bleeds through the simulation and stains her towers. Each structure groans and cries for the sibling she failed to find. Electricity boils into the sky and consumes the air and the ground. In mere seconds, it is all she can think about. And it hurts

...

Something shifts in the simulation, startling her into silence. This is something new. Her focus returns to it just as Ending's face appears in front of her. They're suddenly so close. She flinches back, expecting him to strike her. To yell at her. Something.

But instead, all they do is extend their hand to her. Red fingers.. She stares at them. It's only a simulation, but still the idea of contact keeps her frozen in place. She doesn't... like being touched. It makes her chest tighten and her hands shake and her minds scramble like frightened moths. It's not something she wishes would happen to her without warning and careful coaxing.

Ending wouldn't know, so neither does this Ending. Wouldn't that mean they would touch her outright? But they don't. They're only holding out their hand

...

Slowly, she breaches the gap and takes their hand. It's a delicate touch. It's barely even there. Yet it's enough comfort. It's a silent “I forgive you.”

And despite knowing this will never be real, it still... feels right.

When she opens her eyes in her chamber, there is no one there but her.

[birdhaslostit]

Okay,

top Ghost songs in no particular order: a review

New fan here, and I’m trying to learn everything i can about these guys. I first heard them on TikTok, but it actually wasn’t Mary On a Cross. Most people seem to have found them through that. (There’s no shame in it though, that song kicks ass.) I don’t remember the first Ghost song I ever heard, but I do remember hearing about them every once in a while.

Cirice (Ceremony and Devotion ver.)

If it isn't the live version, I don't want it. You can feel the electricity of the crowd. The chanting and yelling, you can practically see people reaching out, clawing to touch the stage. The guitars are especially ominous and twangy in this version. Papa's little additions of "can you?" and "I wanna know" make me want to scream back like I'm actually there. The way he ends it on a HOWL of a note, with the added reverb of it being played live? I've left my body, I am no longer alive. My ex-catholic ass has never felt closer to god than I have while listening to the lyrics "can't you see that you're lost? Can't you see that you're lost without me?" Also, Terzo specifically playing this live? I've seen the videos. Absolute filth. Incredible. I would shit my pants if I saw it in person. Can I hear the rumble that's calling? Absolutely I can. It's shaking my floorboards from all the bass.

Jesus He Knows Me

I just need to start by saying that this music video is the filthiest thing I've ever seen. And. I. Love. It. I didn't even catch the Defroque pun until a few days later. This song and this video absolutely gut scummy televangelists, and it's the greatest thing I've seen in years. It was one of the first Ghost music videos I ever watched, if not the first. All over TikTok, I saw video after video of people going "don't watch this, it's terrible, it's insane, it's so disrespectful, it's so gross." And of course, I had to see it after seeing so many people tell me how gnarly it was. I knew I'd definitely seen worse, and I had to see it for myself. It was, in the biblical sense, Eve grasping for the fruit of the tree. I logged into Youtube, and my jaw was on the ground. I could talk about it for days. It ran through my head on loop afterwards, and just would not go away. I was absolutely shocked and amazed at the balls on these people to put it all out in the open like that, and to not only get away with it, but to make a poignant statement while doing it. They didn't just do this for the shock value, they did it because it's the truth. This thing fucking rules.

Rats

Oh my god, it's spooky Def Leppard! I love spooky Def Leppard! That guitar solo! Just listen to those layered harmonies on each "oh woah-oh." The music video? Exceptional in every way. It's like I'm watching an 80s MTV spectacle. The choreography is burned into my brain like I've stared at the sun for too long. It is extravagant in every way, and I love it.

Con Clavi Con Dio (Ceremony and Devotion ver.)

Again, if it isn't the live version, I don't want it. It hits infinitely different than it does in the studio version. Hearing the reverb of the vocals bouncing around the stadium, and everyone staying silent to listen to it like it's gospel... Outrageous. Hearing that first "Lucifer?" The Italian sections? I'm getting flashbacks of going to church, but instead I'm actually having a good time.

He Is

Now, as an ex-catholic, I wasn't really raised on the typical evangelical/protestant 'youth group Jesus rock.' My church was all old people, so it was mostly the traditional stuff. But I definitely have heard the genre enough to know it when I hear it, and this is it— but not shitty, and not about Jesus. If I heard this at a church during a vulnerable time in my life as a teen, I would've totally been on board. And the inherent layers to that fact cannot be understated. It's a perfect critique/parody, no notes.

Life Eternal

This hits me like a half-and-half blend between Cirice and He Is. It's got that yearning, reaching, almost loving feel to it that Cirice has, but the sugar-sweet churchy vibe of He Is that makes you forget the fact that it's being sung by the devil's favorite band. It also gives me almost Journey vibes? Like, listen to Open Arms, and then listen to this. I can't be the only one.

I Believe

I genuinely did not know this was a cover until like 5 minutes ago. This shit is so ethereal. Like, almost Enya-esque? There are so many layers to it, so many different parts you could focus on, so many different sounds blending into one gorgeous whole. How is it so heavenly even though it's being sung by a satanic pope? I'm levitating. I'm contemplating my existence in this universe. The original is not bad by any means, but I love this version 100 times more. This isn't just a cover, honestly. The song has been totally transformed. The atmospheres of the two versions are so vastly different that calling it 'just a cover' is doing it a disservice.

Darkness At The Heart Of My Love

The little guitar bit at the very start really surprised me, honestly. At first it sounded like... Renaissance fair-y? And then the vocals started. Ghost really keeps you on your toes. This is truly a pseudo-love ballad I can get into. If I was driving a car while this was playing, I would accidentally start speeding during the chorus. Again, strong 80s rock band vibes with this one. I keep thinking Keep on Loving You by REO Speedwagon. And the whispered parts that I had to google because I couldn't understand what they were saying? Once I found out, I was sold.

Square Hammer (Ceremony and Devotion ver.)

The reversed vocals at the start? That Scooby Doo-ass intro with the 60s-style organ? Again, I'm telling you, spooky Def Leppard! I love it! The live version of this is just incomparable to the studio version. The booming power behind this recording is nuts. It's like thunder and lightning, I've got chills. Am I on the square? Am I on the level? Fuck yes I am. Am I ready to swear right here, right now, before the devil? Give me a knife and point me to the nearest sacrificial goat.

Dance Macabre

Spooky stripper music. It's got a late 60s/early 70s vibe to it in a way that I can't fully explain. It might be the organ, it might be the vocal style, it might be the hook. The hook for sure sounds like something a boy band might pull, in a good way. Nothing occult enough to make the parents throw away all of their records, but enough to make your religious dad turn his nose up at it.

Kiss the Go-Goat

Jim Morrison, is that you? "You've been daddied by all the dudes that wanna dad / And all those dads never gave you the things you should've had" is the most insane line in this whole thing. He had no right. That's like a quadruple entendre. The balls on this man. And you already know I love a good blasphemous Latin section. With the smooches at the end? Be still, my heart. I just know people in 1969 were screaming and throwing panties onstage. It's just a fact.

Bonus list of songs I would shit my pants if they covered:

Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode

Specifically the Holier Than Thou Approach with Francois Kevorkian. Like what the fuck else would they do? It's like asking a fish to breathe water. It would be stupid if they didn't. Do it, cowards.

The Hairstyle of the Devil by Momus

I love New Wave. I just do. And I think that Ghost could really transform it into something spectacular in their own style. The lyrics are fascinating: "And when you meet me finally your horns will lock with mine / For the beast rules with rivalry / As the clock rules with time / Pleased to meet you, hope you've guessed my name." They could do so much with this.

Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga

A pretty obvious pick, I know, but you have to admit it would be incredible.

Talking In Your Sleep by The Romantics

They could make this so slutty and so spooky, y'all. Listen to the lyrics and tell me they wouldn't.

Pet Sematary by The Ramones

Again, on-brand.

The Stroke by Billy Squier

I mean, come on.

Fortune and Fame by Naked Eyes

I can't tell you why, but in my mind, it really fits.

[rjtaylorsversion]

1989 TV Impressions in Album Order (after a few listens)

welcome to New York - first listen sonically it sounded wildly different to me, and the intro still does, but I like it! It feels so crisp and clean, but still so fun. Perfect intro to 1989 as always.

blank space - similar consensus it sounded so different on first listen, and I’ll be honest I don’t love the new click sound, but the little giggle when she says nightmare is adorable. It’s a classic!

style - somehow this is the one that sonically feels the MOST different to me. The base line is heavier throughout than in the original, and the iconic electric guitar intro takes a bit more of a backseat. In the chorus her voice is more elevated above the music and sounds so crisp, I love that! Overall everything production wise sounds better IMO. To me it sounds just like it does when she sings it in the Eras Tour!

out of the woods - hearing the iconic intro “oh oh ohs” SO CRISP was mind blowing, it’s even better than the original, I will take no shit over this. OOTW TV is better than the OG. The bridge still goes just as hard, and the background vocals are heavenly.

all you had to do was stay - those super high “stay”s still slay for sure. This one sounds to me very much like its OG counterpart, the harmonies do seem better blended throughout though than in the OG and I love that you can hear all the layers of her voice!

shake it off - perfect as always! Even though this song was so overplayed once upon a time, Taylor’s Version is making me love it again!

I wish you would - another intro like style where the guitar intro seems to have been toned down slightly, which doesn’t sound bad, I just wish it was more forward! Other than that, very similar to OG, but still sonically clearer and better! The little synth in the pre-chorus towards the end is amazing.

bad blood - YESSSS. Still sounds so angsty, the “heys” are SO GOOD. I’ve still always loved the version with Kendrick the best, and I’m so glad they didn’t make us wait too long for that!

wildest dreams - this one has already been out for a while, and it’s always sounded good and very much like the OG!

how you get the girl - I’ve always freaking loved this one, and it doesn’t not disappoint. I love the poppy baseline just as much as I did when it first came out, the chorus still slaps 100%. And I love the little electronic synthy swoop additions we get on the second round of the end of the chorus, and her squeaky “yeah-ah-ah”

this love - this one has also been out for a while, but her vocals are stunning and I love when the drums kick in on the second verse!

I know places - oh my god the distortion on the intro “I—I—I”s is EVERYTHING. It sounds so freaking good. And the “WE RUUUUN” in the second chorus gives me literal chills. 10000/10 Taylor’s Version really gave us this one 100%. SHE ATE THIS ONE UP.

clean - the vocals are clear and sparkling, and the song is emotionally devastating us as it always did before. The layering of the harmonies and different voices is absolutely heavenly especially in the pre-chorus and chorus

wonderland - I have no words for how good this is. The same as I’ve said before on the other songs, the production is so clear and crisp and her voice sounds so mature and insanely good.

you are in love - one of my favorites from the OG deluxe version, I remember listening to this at night in my car as an 18 year old dreaming of a love like that, and being completely swept up in the lyricism and gentle melody of the song. TV brings back all those feelings and then some, especially now being married to the love of my life. This song is so freaking special to me. 🤍 the “ahhhhh ahh ahhhhh”s at the end of this song are angelic, especially with headphones!

new romantics - a certified BANGER as it has always been. Literally no notes, her voice is CRISP and the song is amazing.

vault tracks

slut! - I absolutely love the lyrics of this song, although I definitely expected a different vibe like everyone else I think. I love the color visualizations laid throughout and the laid back sound of the song in general. I like this song a lot, but it’s not my favorite of the vault songs’

say don’t go - the lyrical twin to all you had to was stay in my opinion, the flipped perspective. Love the use of the heavy baseline in the verses and pre-chorus while the chorus itself is more elevated. We also get the vocal echoes on “say….don’t….go” during the chorus and echoes on the bridge which sonically is very cohesive with 1989 as a whole!

now that we don’t talk - the hook is SO GOOD. I love the chorus, and I just in general love the feel of finally starting to feel yourself again after getting out of a relationship and realizing all the things that weren’t good about it. All in all, great addition to the album!

suburban legends - this song fits the sound of 1989 extremely well, but also somehow feels like it could be from Midnights? But I love the vocals especially on the chorus! I love the sparkly synth in this song too!

is it over now? - this is it, this is THE vault track. So far it looks like this is the fan favorite and I certainly don’t divert from that opinion. The LYRICS ARE GIVING and I am overall just obsessed with this. It sounds amazing and fits in the album perfectly, I can’t believe we didn’t get this on the OG album. “Let’s fast forward to 300 take out coffees later” has me in a chokehold as well as the “oH lord.” 18 years old of me would have had this on repeat in 2014, and 27 year old me is no different!

bonus

bad blood ft Kendrick Lamar - YES YES YES. it’s everything I wanted, I always loved this remix and it still gives everything. on repeat, nonstop.

If you made it through all of that, thanks for reading and share your thoughts/emotions/anything about 1989 TV below!

[la0hu]

5 star review

hall of fame: 8.5/10

seungmin's vocals are insane this album and he deserved this album opening line

THE CHORUS growly distorted electric guitar heavy bass HEART EYES PLEASE!!! PLEASE WHAT THE FUCK

chan's postchorus melody (and in the outro) is so fun, it's got choral/circus-y vibes if that makes sense

felix's weird xylophone raps + jeongin's panning ah's. it's giving me maze of memories >:)

the man on the moon clip.... chan must be proud of that one

this feels like cheese's cousin and will probably be on loop

s-class: 8/10

not the hugest fan of changbin's opener, shockingly enough

hyunjin's first line is the best attention grabber, soooooo well done

goofy ass sound effects in the first verse but i'm not complaining

"swerving i'm speeding on serpent rooooad" i think i floated a couple inches in the air the first time i heard this prechorus it's sooooo fucking good -- and this is coming from someone who normally hates the melodic prechorus thing in like every other song (god's menu, venom, freeze, etc.)

the chorus... i hated it the first time i heard it. but now it's catchy. also in context with the rest of the song it makes complete sense to me

controversial opinion(?): i love changbin's enunciated simple rap over the old school beat, and i especially love how han's track layers some classic samples on top

SECOND CHORUS DISTORTION suuuuuuch a good call... otherwise the chorus would be boring but it's enough of a change-up that it also foreshadows the upcoming parts of the song that stretch and shift the typical song structure

pre-dance break rap exchange is not my fav but it keeps the energy up anyway

DANCE BREAK IS GOOD!!!!!! love the production

title track ranking: better than thunderous, maniac, case 143 (duh); not quite god's menu level of shocking and not as tasteful as back door

item: 9.5/10

the productionnnnn.......... i'm drooling

the rap tone from changbin is so bratty and the pacman/game theme of the song is so funny

i wish had better words for the backtrack sounds bc i want to point out all the sounds and their textures; like the high-hat percussion beat which is super similar to the one they used in domino; and this heavy dark crunchy synth sound they keep using

FELIX GROWLY CHORUS. cheap thrills maybe but my fav part of the song

the fucking autotune felix section "celebraaaate" is so bad that it's funny which makes it perfect for the song. it's like jeongin moaning in N/S do you understand

second prechorus + postchorus is a little boring idk why -- that's why it's not 10/10

repetitive lee know before felix's final chorus is inspired

domino's annoying but lovable younger sibling. will be on loop

super bowl: 8/10

digusting beat, very excellent (makes me think of doodle)

the lyrics are so insanely corny it's DJ VXNILLX at his best i swear to god

the nct-esque chanting lmao... sm wake up!

"aw this shit's so bussing" WHY LMAO (edit: i have learned this is not what he's saying but it's what everyone is hearing so)

honestly. the ASMR whispering is so cringy to me but it's also amazing genius. and also so embarrassing but also hot. very confusing stuff

bridge is so out of place but who cares tbh

topline: 6/10

very fun almost "throwback" hiphop type of sound, i love whatever they sampled for the backtrack

"cause we don't give a fu--" we cheered.

tiger jk is a good rapper! :)

maybe strange opinion but hyunjin's second rap was the best of all the raps imo

it's a good song, but it's a little plain for me (maybe just in comparison to the other songs); i'm probably gonna skip it a lot

dlc: 7/10

it's CUTE! it sits at the same table as blueprint, run, mixtape: oh, ex if that makes sense

i think this has better production than the other changbin songs i'm aware of, actually; it still has his trademark sort of wistful bitter melancholy but the sound is a little more diverse than stuff like sorry i love you or streetlight

the instrumental beat drop sections i like more than i thought i would, especially the breakdown towards the end

one criticism: i would've introduced the "la la" sample much earlier in the song, it feels a little out of nowhere in the last third

i actually love this kind of skz song so it'll probably have longer lasting power with me

get lit: 7.5/10

this song comes out of the gate swinging jesus fucking christ

love the club banger backbeat that's like 100% muffled bass

this is insane but i would've preferred an even harder drop from the bassline for the chorus

the mumbling line hyunjin + felix have with the muffled beat is so good

last drop is CRAAAAAAZY!!! CHAN IS BARKING

collision: 5.5/10

why am i suddenly in a dimly lit smoky jazz bar with bronze/gold details and red roses everywhere

i saw someone on twitter say smth about the sax and i have to emphasize that this is clearly a trumpet

a rare bangchan win from me: his verse was the best imo

the main chorus melody is extremely plain but still very sweet and catchy; it feels like a song to slow dance to after a date night at a fancy steak place. tbh not my cup of tea but still nice

fnf: 8.5/10

i cried at literally the first line. my dog just died sue me

normally i don't like how chan arranges guitar-heavy production but this song did a great job without feeling too mixtape: time out

prechorus doing something to my heart that hurts

the chorus is so sad to me... i think watching the intro for 5star and seeing chan's thoughts on this track casts this whole song into a different, more complicated vibe. like the meaning behind "i'm catching up" when singing about death and grief -- that's actually really good, and i really like how this line is "stuttered" or halted in the first two choruses, and only gets pronounced in full for the very last chorus, bc they've literally "caught up"

i also really like how for the "uh-uh-uh" lines, the melody shifts into a minor key -- that's what's keeping the chorus interesting and from falling into bland territory

second verse is deeply upsetting for me. yes i'm still thinking about my dead dog

the eagle cry is a little silly/on the nose but i think it's a sweet touch bc i know how earnest it is

also just generally speaking, i'm a sucker for songs whose lyrics/topic are really fucking sad but are musically very upbeat (which is why i love txt's discography so much too)

outro/final chorus very good, especially the full "i'm catching up!" followed by the falsetto...

also this song activates my synethesia like crazy for that fresh spring green, so i will be listening to this a bunch

youtiful / the sound / mixtape: time out 0 / 10

these pissed me off that's all i have to say



FINAL THOUGHTS

first thing: i will say this, and it will be deeply upsetting for stays who loved skz for their pre-noeasy stuff, but it's true: chan's production and musical direction was heavily influenced by other things when he was first starting out because he was still learning, but i would say starting most obviously with oddinary, this is actually what skz's (read: chan's) personal production style is like -- and this is what skz's future releases will sound like too. there's much less imitation in production style in this album, and if it's there, it's more of a reference or allusion like in topline, and not so much a participation in a genre tradition. this makes sense, bc they've been saying repeatedly how they don't want to be defined by a genre, but want to pioneer their own -- even if it sounds really fucking weird. stuff like victory song, levanter, even side effects felt like they could've been made by other artists bc chan was still getting his production legs under him, but stuff like god's menu, domino, and case 143 is where he started pulling together a personal style.

i would characterize go live as a demonstration of skz's flashes of genius while still borrowing the sound profile of genre to use as training wheels; noeasy was them slowly playing with developing a unique sound and practicing songwriting; and 5 star is them doubling down on the production and songwriting skills they've developed since noeasy. this is their most "matured" set of songs and you can hear the difference. it's not necessarily better than the other two albums in terms of personal taste, but i think it's obvious how much work they've done the past two years to be able to come up with and execute the 5 star tracklist, and listening to it i feel like i can see 100% the intention behind the execution, which is admirable even if you hate the music. luckily i don't!

you can tell that all of them figured out what their particular talent is (what makes them "special" ha) bc they echoed what they did in the past, when those talents were first apparent. s class has a lot in common with god's menu, in vibe and structure. item is the successor to domino which skz admitted themselves, bc they were aware of how special that kind of song is. hall of fame and super bowl feels adjacent to stuff like cheese, where it's all attitude and/or aggression. felix has leaned into his voice being used as an "accent" or "point", lee know has a lot of "shouting" tone power, han's songwriting is getting more diverse (with get lit) and more defined (with collision), etc. it's not that they're copying what they've done before, because more stays would be happy with this album if that were the case, which judging by my mutuals' reactions, many are NOT; it's more that they've developed a self-awareness as artists. this album felt like evidence that everything they say in interviews about their artistic development is true, it's not just posturing: they work hard to change, and they'd much rather be continually weird and alienating than stay the same and grow complacent, even if it pisses of their fanbase and most of the general public.

personally i'm extremely relieved because 1) i obviously loved nearly all the songs but also 2) i was terrified maxident and The Sound were going to signify the BTS-ification of stray kids, a la dynamite / butter / permission to dance. 5 star solidly put those worries to rest thank fucking god. maybe my music taste is broken but i get Weird skz forever so i win

extra notes:

the "switchup" happens in a lot of songs in this album, most obviously in s class, but i'm not 100% convinced it's them capitalizing on any trend (like the switchups that nmixx is known for), since they've done switchups like this before in god's menu & back door and other songs too; for me it feels more like chan playing w the patterning he did in god's menu, bc 5 star as an album has a lot of homages to their go live era

everyone got a lot better at everything imo -- particularly in vocals; seungmin did a standout job on all of his lines obviously, but i also noticed lee know's voice has a lot more support and actually chan's lines i would put in the top three too.

live vocals from their stages are also WAY improved; i'm guessing the maniac tour gave them a lot of experience

[onewingedsparrow]

Holy Grail: Which figure do you want the most?

Crossover: Is there a series that you’d like to see a crossover of with Transformers?

Meet & Greet: If you could meet only one Transformers voice actor, which would you want to meet?

@novafire-is-thinking Heya Nova! 💜 Thanks for the ask! :D (For this ask game) Holy Grail: The giant, app-remote-control, talking Optimus Prime. Oh my goodness. I've seen videos. I've beheld it in store. He is SO COOL but my poor budget...! One day. But it is not this day :') Crossover: Oooh 👀 Lol I hope you don't mind multiple answers because here they come!!! A while ago I saw this amazing art and it blew my mind. I had never crossed-over Zelda with TF before but that was so amazing!!! I would love to see more of it! Twilight Princess Maximals are amazing. There are already robots in Skyward Sword and Breath of the Wild so why not make some of the Guardians into Transformers? Maybe even Titans? Each dungeon could be a Titan! Your companion character could be a Cityspeaker! The King of Red Lions in Wind Waker could be a Cybertronian! The Master Cycle could be a Cybertronian! There is so much room for crossover potential! I know it will probably not happen in canon, but oh, fandom has so much room for ideas. Transformers with Need for Speed would also be so fun. Idk how they would incorporate robot stuff into it, but I really just want a TF racing game where I can go to Velocitron and pit 'Bee and Knockout against each other, to the background of epic electric guitar, with the actual licensed car models. AND because I've been thinking about StarFox a lot lately...a Transformers-StarFox crossover!!! Arwings versus Seekers! Landmaster vs tank Megatron! It'd be SO easy and DELIGHTFUL to blend these two. Put the vehicles on rails...they could be fliers, in the air like normal StarFox gameplay, to "DO A BARREL ROLL" and aerial tricks like normal, OR you could have grounders, but because they're Cybertronian and a bit more athletic than the Landmaster, allow them to partial-transform and do flips and other wild and fun moves. And IMAGINE the fun dialogue boxes that would pop up onscreen when the characters talked over the comm link. FOX: I'll go it alone from here. OPTIMUS PRIME: Are you certain of this choice? FOX: You sound kinda nervous, Prime. Know something I don't? OPTIMUS PRIME: ...One does not say those words lightly. I have reservations about your intentions. PEPPY: It does ring a bell, Fox. FOX: I'm coming back, Peppy. I swear. PEPPY: ...You'd better. FALCO (after his ship is shot by friendly fire): Hey, Einstein, I'm on your side! MEGATRON: Ah, how unfortunate. My mistake. SLIPPY: Whoa! Megatron's aim was off? Was that...ac...actually a mistake? SOUNDWAVE (in a different font): Affirmative. Original target: Starscream. STARSCREAM: What?! Why me? What did I do wrong? *Soundwave's text box immediately floods with lines of code detailing every single thing Starscream has done wrong (mostly treachery and assassination attempts against Megatron) and the text flows so fast that the Player can't read it all before it's gone 😂 Lol these are all crossovers with video games, but I like them all :D I think they'd be GREAT. Even though they may never happen. Meet & Greet: This probably won't surprise you at all :) Peter Cullen. Optimus Prime can be written however Hasbro or whoever sees fit, but Peter Cullen is the one who made Optimus Prime into who he is. The emotion and feeling and, especially, WISDOM that he pours into his voice for this character is unmatchable. You can practically hear the millennia of Cybertron struggle; the weight and honor of the Matrix of Leadership; the quiet, longing hope for peace; in his gentle-but-mighty tones. He can convey layers of emotion through this voice, which I think is so important to Optimus' character, because in my humble opinion, Optimus needs nuance. Side note: just so we're clear, I genuinely don't have anything against the other Optimus VA's...but Peter Cullen's Optimus is just...special. All that to say: Peter Cullen's Optimi truly inspired me and I would love to meet him to say a "thank you" face-to-face. I really want to meet him soon if I can. I know he's getting up there in years. Thanks again for the ask! This was really fun :D

[starchild--27]

i was tagged by @artemiss-moonchild and @heartcravings in two different spotify-centric tag games - so i'll just morph them~ i am also high on finishing a book right now, so yeah, it's gonna be long and full of words i have to vomit out now because my brain is buzzing xDD

shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and post the first 10 tracks,

Brand New City by Mitski ~ probably my favourite song of hers, i feel all of her music and lyrics very very much but this song...just hits different i dunno, i guess it is the closest thing i have to describe this restlessness i get sometimes

blue by keshi ~ every single word in this songs gets me and i am kinda giddy bc i bought tickets to his concert as a christmas present for my sister and me, hehe, i'm looking forward to that already ^^

Where We by Ryu Ji Hyun & Kim Kyung Hee ~ part of the OST of the drama Rain Or Shine / Just Between Lovers, it's on netflix, lee gangdu is my poor little meow-meow, i cried buckets and got wayyy more invested in this drama than i anticipated xD

I Don't Even Mind by Chen ~ it's my favourite track of his 3rd album, i like how his voice blends with the instrumental, i love how his voice is so clear, how it kinda floats over the tumbles of the guitar, it's like fog over a little creek

I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace ~ i stumbled over that one by chance not even a month ago, i knew the band existed and what their sound was like but never listened to their songs, so that one is the only one i know and what can i say...a girl feels conflicting feelings sometimes xD

Nothin' by EXO-SC / Chanyeol ~ i am really fascinated by this song because it has so many layers of sound, there is just so much going on on that track, like it sounds calm and spherical and like you are floating through a dark night, but you are driven by an invisible force, by thoughts and voices and echos. this song makes me fearless, it lifts me up when i am on the ground, it grounds me when my head tries desperately to fly away from my body, it was my no. 1 song in my spotify wrapped xD

Charmer by Stray Kids ~ ok this one is less deep xD it's just a cool, very vibey song, it really got me back into Stray Kids this year and wow it seems very unreal rn that Oddinary was a 2022 release o_o

Lithium by Nirvana ~ a classic, some would say. i can play it on the electric guitar so that's cool 👀✨️ to me this song is probably even more "nirvana" as Smells Like Teen Spirit - i dunno it captured their sound really well and i might sound very pretentious now but it is such a Kurt song, i don't know how to descibe it differently xDD

Words as Weapons by Seether ~ and sometimes a girl feels a very stubborn anger against the world and some people who have deep cuts. listening to this song is cathartic.

Universe by EXO ~ doesn't your heart just open up when they sing "I'll search the universe..."?? because to me it always feels like that, like something bright is opening up my heart, ready to search along with them (it's the way the melody just keeps rising, flying across the nightsky on that long high note)

then list 10 songs you really like, each by a different artist.

New Thing by Zico feat. Homies ~ this song... is just really, really cool. so cool. ahh. i love listening to it, it's always over way too soon xD

saudade, saudade by Maro ~ my Eurovision favourite this year, haha, their whole stage presence was so whimsical, they remained my favorites from start to finish. i just listened to the song a lot afterwards. the soft desperation in it is just everything, really.

505 by Arctic Monkeys ~ screaming crying throwing up about everything in this song. the musical built up, the breakdown, the lyrics - just ahhh everything about this song makes me go feral, especially the breakdown. i think i rarely show as much of myself to other people as i do when 505 comes on and i'm screaming "but i crumble compeltely when you cry"

Slump by Stray Kids ~ sad bop in three languages, made by the one and only Han Jisung who gave the sinking feeling you get when you realize you are somehow falling behind depsite your best efforts a sound. musical genius (but also are u ok bro?). anyway, i can do all the rap parts (in english because i am a chicken when it comes to korean let alone japanese and i really don't want to mispronounce stuff) in this song and i don't think it sounds cringy when i do it so that's what i've been up to musically these days xDD

RED by Survive Said The Prophet ~ the lyrics in this one are so great! it has such a raw power once it breaks loose, it reminds me of thunderstorms and a stadium full of people not minding the rain because the live music is just so good and everything fits, lights flashing and bass guitar and drums messing with your gut. it's full of so many different feelings that you sometimes can't tell apart but they make you want to move and run and run until your body hurts more than your heart.

Star Walkin' by Lil Nas X ~ this song is also so full of energy but a totally different kind. it's stellar, it's bright, it's almost delirious, it's testing out how fast you can run before you fall over your own feet, it's chasing the feeling of your stomach dropping when you go a little too high on the swings. it sounds really weird, but my first instinct when this song comes on is not to blink, not one second, because i could miss something at this racing pace. the verses are just floating in space, looking around, taking it all in, whereas the chorus is pure acceleration until the point where there is no more "faster", feeling it might hit anytime now but it just doesn't xD

Forgive Me by BoA ~ it's her recent comeback and i've never really gave her music a listen but i saw the teaser pics being absolutely my vibe so i checked it out and really liked it! there is nothing more to it haha. it reminds me a little of what i also would have loved to see Seulgi do on her solo album but it's not that big - both harmonize perfectly with their respective tracks.

Hurdle by Suho ~ he made theeeeee summer bop with this song, really. gosh, the way i freaked when i first heard this song xDD i took little notes about the Grey Suit album in my notebook back then so i know for a fact i was immediately obsessed with the funky bass line and the voice distortion and how dancable this song is.

Serenity by Xiumin ~ i've said it before and i'll say it again: this song is an early spring sunrise, when you woke up oddly early snd you go outside to catch the first glimpses of sunlight and the dew still hanging on the grass wets the hem of your pants, tickles your skin, the cold wetness seeping through your shoes but then the first rays of light hit your skin and the air is fresh and clear and everything feels better and new, like you have healed a little, like you can keep going with a new burst of energy now. this is how this song sounds like to me, i get that mental image everytime, dark greens and bright blues and even brighter white and yellow hues.

Checkmate by TheBoyz ~ again nothing all to deep besides the fact that this song is a total banger and i just go insaneeee over the whispering and member who-ever-it-is saying "you're never satisfied". my sister likes TheBoyz and she played it once or twice and that's how i know this song xD

list the first 10 songs played from my spotify wrapped/apple replay when shuffled!

Francis Forever by Mitski ~ this one somehow very quietly became my chanyeol-enlistment-song. it's all about missing someone, needing someone/depending on someone's presence, not in a full on desperate way (a little desperate maybe-) but in a way that is just like what the first lines say "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do with myself now that your not here" kinda like you still need time to figure out how to handle things in the absence of something that has been very present before. it really got to me while Chanyeol was away (yk sorta-away because you really cannot get that man off a stage xD but the feeling has always been different than before) - in the end i think it's a lot about adapting after a change in the way somebody is present in your life.

Daechwita by Agust D ~ i am not the biggest BTS fan on the plant (thank god) but i have a sort of soft spot for their rap line because they simply are really good at what they do, especially yoongi. and daechwita, what can i say, simply a total vibe. i remember how i had this song and Lay's Lit right after on repeat a lot that year, they somehow belong to the same universe xDD Daechwita is all about speed and power and hot rage, Lit is all albout precision and force and a very cold attitude of supremacy - both have this very untouchable and dangerous vibe. they are neighboring kingdoms maybe, very peaceful with each other btw. they just come to destroy them haters xD

Raining by Chanyeol ~ this song it just a biiig loong sigh. it's taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly. the dark heavy piano really is like black paint in an artwork, it really gives the song that heavy atmosphere. then the sax soli are almost complaining, it's whining, it's telling you its story of misery with the heaviest sighs. this also reflects in Chanyeol's vocals, he also has this hint of exhaustion there, this song is just so dramatically done with everything, it just yk wants to have a drink and end this unfortunate day xD on some days i think this might be the best song of the The Box OST because they caught this very moody atmosphere so so well and it's not often done like that in populat music, i suppose (look i probably sound like i know what i am talking about but i really do not- xD)

GOTTASADAE by BewhY ~ again, nothing deep. my bestie sent me the song and was like "!!!! here listen !!!" and i was like "omg!!!!!!!" and then it was on repeat xDD

This Is How I Disappear by My Chemical Romance ~ so here is the thing, i knew about them for a long time but i never had this kind of "emo phase" in my teenage years but when they had their revival tour or whatever this year a lot of people i follow online suddenly were obsessing over them again, and when i like people a lot and they get invested in something, then i want to check that out too. so i listened to their entire discography in one weekend (coincidentally, the exact weekend they played in germany xDD) and This Is How I Disappear was the winner of the little favourite MCR song race i had in my head xD so yeah, i dig their music, especially this song. once again, very cathartic to listen/dance/sing to.

Snow (Hey Oh) by Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ i really like that i got this one on random! because it's the first RHCP song i actively remember hearing, probably in the radio and i was just really obsessed with it (in a way a child can be obsessed with a song it doesn't understand xD) and that just kind of lingered around and i eventually looked up the chords so i could play it on the guitar when i was 13 i think, leading to my dad showing my Californiacation and Under The Bridge and that's when i got more and more into their music in general. another weird fun fact: because i practiced the lyrics very hard back then i can now recite them in absolute inhuman speed, everytime i do it it annoys people to no end but i think it's fun xD

Shutdown by Moonbyul feat. Seori ~ (un)official sapphic anthem, let's gooo. this song is so so sexy in a very soft and casual and relaxed way. i love how their voices harmonize, i love how the melody flows, how you're just drawn into the song from start to finish. this song it somebody touching you very softly, very gently at your most secret, sensitive places. this song is knowing how to have the exact same effect on the other. it's dancing together with the smallest most minimal moves, bodies pressing impossibly close together. i just get this warm, seductive, soft, comfy, sexy feeling from this song.

Free Fall by Øzi ~ i am ascending every time i listen to this song, really. the chorus comes in like the ground beneath your feet rumbling and breaking apart, falling through the cracks. which might sound like a contradiction to what i said in the phrase before. but falling and flying are very easily confused when it's dark and you can't see the bottom. one of my favourite love letter songs <3

Tire Swing by Kimya Dawson ~ the simplicity of this song is so charming, really. it's nothing big, the melody sounds like a children's song but the lyrics tell the tale of the complicated matter that is really liking someone who is just so different from you that it's actually kinda impossible for things to work out well, at least not with anyone hurt. it's part of the soundtrack for the movie Juno (which i really like) and while the teenage romance is only a secondary part of the plot, i think this song was an amazing pick to explain the relationship between these two teenagers that lead very different lives and have to figure out how loving each other works. it's such an easy song and then again it is absolutely not.

Nothing Else Matters by Metallica ~ my dad once told me that metal musicians make the best love songs and then showed me Nothing Else Matteds as proof and, really, i could only believe him after that. i think, this song has had a huge huge influence on what i expect from a romantic relationship. it really shaped my understanding of romantic love to the point where i said (at 13 or 14) in my diary that if i ever got married it would be to this song, and i am still kind of in awe with this thought because that song remains to be very significant to me. how it's about always being together in a way, about sincerity of feelings, about trust, about getting to know the other better day by day and at some point getting to know yourself better through the other, how it's about sharing things openly, about living a life together, about having a companion like that who shows you the world you thought you knew in another light. it's about the enrichment you experience by having a romantic partner, that goes beyong anything sexual which is so often immediately associated with romantic love. and that just really left a lasting impression on me, so it's a fave ever since.

ok. this was long. and very uncalled for lol i am sorry for oversharing like that sometimes i'm just really in touch with how exactly music makes me feel and maybe i'm a little sloppy and a little too much in writing long paragraphs about it oops- ^^'

anywayyy i tag @kafkascupcake @byuns-coco @his-mochi-cheeks @cxsmicmyeon @nvwu @joon-rkive @simplypearing @xuoux @whisperingdoves if you guys wanna (feel free to pick the part you wanna do or simply ignore this tho, i am fully aware that this is a lot of time consuming text, so i won't mind at all xDD)

[existentialmagazine]

Review: Ainsley Costello shares striking indie-pop tune ‘Change Your Mind’, a reminder of consent and empowerment for all that need it

The rising pop rock artist Ainsley Costello has made quite a name for herself already, taking over the music scene at only 20 with her The Band CAMINO and Paramore reminiscent tunes. With an ever-growing fanbase and music that continues to show her growth and development, there’s never been a better time to start listening - especially with her latest single ‘Change Your Mind.’

Slowly fizzling in, ‘Change Your Mind’ is mysterious and mesmerising from the get-go, a stripped-back anthem exuding empowerment and confident right away. From the echoey backing elements to the half-muted guitar twangs, it’s got all the groove needed to draw you in, progressively building into one hell of a euphoric experience of slow-building action. Ainsley’s vocals are just as captivating, a self-assured performance channeling bravery and unapologetic assertiveness. Built up by a mass of reverberating layers, pounding drums and drawn-out notes, ‘Change Your Mind’ doesn’t stop delivering on that epic slow-burn of a build, crashing into a chorus you won’t be expecting. With gritty electric guitar strums, vigorous vocals, striking drum hits and layers of haunting backing vocals, there’s an element of punky angst woven into this indie-pop anthem, and that doesn’t go away any time soon either.

The lyrics are quite the force to be reckoned with in themselves too, giving everyone that much needed reminder that they don’t have to be pressured into anything they don’t want to. Instantly from one of the opening lines Ainsley establishes as much, ‘show some skin, doesn’t mean it’s for him’, a reminder that we can all dress in ways that make us feel confident without it being anything more than that. Continuing ‘puts his hand on your back, you can say I don’t like that’, there’s a reminder you don’t have to conform in the moment, setting boundaries is just as okay. While many may feel guilty or that they owe someone something, Ainsley sings ‘you can kiss in the dark while parked in a car and send him home alone’, something that can be hard to feel in the moment. Tied into her own experiences and connecting with everyone that needs it, the chorus is where her words resonate most: ‘I’ve been there before, if he might want more, if it isn’t going how you thought it might, nothing’s set in stone and you can change your mind.’

Keep listening to ‘Change Your Mind’ for yourself here, Ainsley has penned quite the powerful mix of catchy pop and meaningful reminders into one sure-to-be anthem.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Unknown

// This coverage was supported and created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

[dustedmagazine]

Listening Post: Souled American

Souled American arose in the context of the roots-influenced alternative rock scene of the mid to late 1980s that included “cowpunk” bands such as Rank and File, Green on Red’s acid country and the more refined sound of the Jayhawks. This nascent Americana movement built on the tradition of Dylan and the Band etc. and fed into the No Depression scene associated with Uncle Tupelo in the 1990s.

The first Souled American release, Fe (1988), is in this larger tradition—kind of. “Magic Bullets,” “Make Me Laugh,” and “Going Home,” in particular, have a fairly conventional country rock sound, with rattling drums, twangy guitar, and heartfelt nasal singing, and “She Broke My Heart,” is all weepy country. Some of the other tunes, though, point in a different direction. “Notes Campfire” sets the mood with acoustic strums and a classic country set-up (“I heard about your love/so you’re alone today”) but soon becomes unintelligible (“Slavic notes campfire”?) and introduces odd harmonies somewhere between the Byrds and the Holy Modal Rounders. The distinctive elements of the band sonically begin with the bass of Joe Adducci, which is up front in the mix, shows the influence of his time playing reggae, and is unique in the genre. Equally important are the restrained percussion of Jamie Barnard, the atmospheric playing of guitarist Scott Tuma (who has maintained a solo career), and the voices of Adducci and guitarist Chris Grigoroff.

Everything comes together on Flubber (1989), which starts off with a suite of five tunes on side one that are, for me, 15 of the best minutes of music in the genre in any period. If you’re looking for an entry point with SA, this is it. The blend of burbling bass, acoustic strums, keening electric accents, and atmospheric harmonica is full of emotion and mystery. The sound is simple but layered, making the whole so much more than the parts. The harmonica serves, not to punctuate the vocals, as in Dylan, but to fill the space often filled by accordion, fiddle, and keyboards (e.g., “Wind to Dry”). The lyrics don’t really make sense, but the atmosphere that they create perfectly matches the sound. Characters emerge, such as the lonely woman at a bar in “Mar’Boro Man,” and images such as the canvas punching bag in “All Good Things,” while “Drop in the Basket” hints at an America coming apart at the seams (“this church is on fire/the sirens scream . . . searching every alley for patches for holes”). The other tunes are less immediately compelling but equally rewarding as an early example of slowcore. On “You and You Alone,” “Over the Hill,” and “Zillion,” the band slows to a crawl and the percussion becomes vestigial, pointing forward to the space that has since been inhabited by artists ranging from Will Oldham to SUSS. Flubber creates something new out of well-worn parts, a kind of Old Weird Americana that is neither ironic, overly earnest, nor beholden to the rock tradition. The reissue well includes the mission statement (originally only available on cassette) “Marleyphine Hank” — i.e., the band is made up of equal portions of Bob Marley (that bass), morphine (the slow tempos), and Hank Williams (of course).

Around the Horn (1990) includes tracks every bit as strong as those on Flubber and Fe — the title track, “Second of All,” “In the Mud,” and an inspired take on Little Feat’s “Six Feet of Snow” — and continues the move toward slowcore country, especially on the epic “Rise Above It.” It also represents a major inflection point. The three subsequent releases (which were only available in the U.S. as European imports) double down on the slowcore approach (facilitated by Barnard’s departure in 1991). Sonny (1992) consists mainly of covers of country and traditional songs and instrumentals that are a lot like those on previous records. It’s pleasant enough, but the bass has receded into the background, the harmonicas are rarely in evidence, and there’s a sense that the band was running out of ideas. Frozen (1994) and Notes Campfire (1996) both consist of originals played at the characteristic molasses tempo. There are some great songs, especially “Before Tonight” and “Heyday,” but, at the time, there was simply no market for this kind of music, and the band fell largely silent. Even diehard fans may find these releases challenging, and the place to start for newcomers remains the three remarkable records released from 1988 to 1990.

So, I’m wondering how those who were there at the time think these songs have aged (I think they hold up really well) and how they strike those who are hearing them for the first time.

Jim Marks

Fe by Souled American

Bill Meyer:  I first heard Souled American around the time of Flubber. I had people telling me how wonderful they were, and when I listened at the time, I didn't hear it at all. The music sounded kind of cartoony to me. I decided to take the albums in sequence, and I am currently halfway through. I no longer hear the vocals as caricatures. They seem like a natural synthesis of the group's interests and aptitudes.  And the arrangements, which I once merely registered as kind of annoying, now sound highly idiosyncratic. I gather that the bassist, Joe Adducci, played in ska bands. Instead of toning down his assertive rhythm plus counterpoint approach to suit country-rock convention, the playing jams his style into the tunes. I haven't decided whether I like it any more, but I get how singular it is in a way that I didn't 30-odd years ago. So, I guess that listening to this music again is acqauinting me with evidence of how I've changed as a listener.

Justin Cober-Lake:  I'm one of those hearing them for the first time, and I'm drawn to the early albums (probably Fe the most) for the same reason I'm drawn to artists like the Band. The music slips between time periods, between genres, between whatever else. If you'd told me that Fe was recorded 20 years earlier, I'd have believed you. It's a very earnest approach to a certain sort of country rock that came before, and I can even hear some inflections of cosmic country. I don't think Souled American fits the alt-country narrative very well at all, beyond the fact that everyone probably listened to Gram Parsons.

The "slowcore approach" that Jim mentioned definitely sets them apart from their alt-country cousins, and it feels like an element of their music that does slot into the early '90s more so than their instrumentation or influences. By the end of the discography, it begins to feel predictable -- it's hard to think, "What *is* this?" after six albums -- but until then it's very striking, and gives the first few albums a very distinctive flavor. One of the connections I wonder about is how this music connects to the current wave of ambient country (or similarly named music). We're hearing more and more music that uses pedal steel and other country instruments for non-traditional music. I'm thinking of acts like SUSS or Luke Schneider's various projects. I'm not sure there's a throughline at all here, but that gets me back to my first point about what attracts me to this music. It sort of fits into a whole bunch of places without really having a proper home.

Flubber by Souled American

Christian Carey: Timing is so important in the record industry. A band can make great music that would have gained wider currency if only they had released it when the Zeitgeist was in their favor. I think this is the case with Souled American. Imagine if the band’s first album had been released in 1996, the date of their last LP, Notes Campfire. Souled American might have fit in well in the No Depression era. Instead, they struggled with labels and sales and, perhaps inevitably, stopped releasing records. As they matured, so did Chris Grigoroff’s vocals; the earlier releases have twang and warble that are a bit too on the nose. So too did the band’s sound, moving from more straightforward production to experiments one might consider proto Wilco. Fe morphs their sound in this direction, and the songs themselves are more experimental in construction. Notes Campfire has a gloomily valedictory quality. My understanding is that Souled American still plays the occasional gig. It would be nice to see what they would do in the studio today.

Jennifer Kelly:  I remember reviewing a really lovely Scott Tuma solo album for Dusted during the Otis years, and it looks like we did a couple of others as well. 

This is the paragraph that addresses what has Scott been up to since Souled American.  

It’s been roughly a decade since Scott Tuma played guitar in Souled American, the cultish alt.Americana outfit whose unstrung country blues inspired, among other things, Camden Joy’s “Fifty Posters About Souled American” project (and a cameo in Jonathan Lethem’s Chronic City). Since then, Tuma has contributed to the ambient explorations of the Boxhead Ensemble and, with members of Zelienople, to Good Stuff House. He has also released four solo albums that warp familiar, organic sounds into strange dream-like shapes.

Bill Meyer:  As far as I know, he still lives in Chicago, but I haven't seen Tuma in years. He has continued to make albums, and discogs says that a cassette came out on Emmett Kelley's label, Haha, last year. I've heard a lot of them, and while each has its own character, they're all loose, slow, and more inclined to communicate via tone than words. While there was a time in the early aughts when you could see him reasonably often, he performed out significantly less in the years before the pandemic.

Jim Marks:  Yes I gave Tuma's records short shrift in the intro. They're uniformly excellent, taking the slowcore in another direction, and I've actually listened to them more over the years than the Souled American records.

Justin Cober-Lake:  Now I'm detouring into Tuma's discography, and he does something quite different. It's still in some sort of Americana-based slowcore whatever, but it doesn't sound like Souled American. I don't want to dwell on the band's decline or dissolution, but is there any connection between his changing sound and the end of Souled American. The band runs out of either steam or ideas for its last couple records, but Tuma hadn't. "Untitled 2" on The River 1 2 3 4 beautifully develops the broader aesthetic, with both a classic loveliness and innate weirdness that could have continued to drive the band (which I realize had been broken up for seven years at this point).

Sonny by Souled American

Bill Meyer:  I’m only up to Sonny, which I’ve just heard for the first time ever, so my thoughts my change as I play through the final two. But on Sonny, what stands out about Tuma’s playing is the extent to which it doesn’t sound like him as I got to know him later on; instead, he plays what the music requires in order for it to be Souled American Music. This feels like the point where they drew their line vs. the rest of the world. We’re going to play so slow, our drummer quits on us. We’re going to make an album of classic country songs, and make them all sound just like us. They really double down on slow tempos and a style of singing that emphasizes emotional and locational signifiers (quavers, elongations, that rural drawl), but seems to drain them of emotion, and locates them in a place that probably doesn’t exist beyond the four walls of their rehearsal room. They seem very determined to be themselves, for better or worse pursuing some ideal form of Souled Americanness.

I should clarify, the drummer left after this record was done. At the time that record came out, their manager had a form letter responding to all Souled American queries, and in it he said that the drummer quit because he got married. Interestingly, the letter says that it took eight months to record Sonny; apparently, these guys were slow in more ways than one.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y drawn to the conclusion of album number five, Frozen, the Tuma solo connection starts to materialize. With its more drawn-out tempos drawing everything within gravitational reach towards a strange state, this is the first record to sound anything like solo Tuma, albeit fuller and more polished than anything he did on his own. Chris Grigoroff’s singing sounds less engaged than ever with country-rock convention, and more like this one weird guy from the country singing. He sounds more emotionally invested in these songs than he did in the covers on

Sonny

, which reinforces my notion that Sonny is the record where they decided to show the world, "this is how it must be done," and they used those songs to do it. 

I think this might be the record I like the most out of the five that I’ve heard.

Notes Campfire by Souled American

Jim Marks:  Nice to see the later Souled American records getting some love. They were ignored or scorned at the time (I remember a particularly scathing review of Notes in the Austin Chronicle) despite having, among other charms, great accessible tunes like "Heyday" and "Before Tonight." Bill has it exactly right: this is uncompromising outsider music.

Jennifer Kelly:  I am belatedly getting into all this.  Have to say that I failed to make much of a connection with Fe, but I am liking Flubber a lot better, especially the parts where the country blues haze parts and you get some soul-ish vamps as on "True Swamp"  and "Cupa Cowfee."  

At its best, this stuff is very trance-y and transcendental, but sounds deeply rural, which makes me wonder how these city boys came to this type of music.  Also, it's reminding me of some of the weirder backwoods psych we have around here, like Sunburned and Tower Recordings and MV and EE.  Is there a line of influence there?  

Am I right that these are just straight reissues--no extra tracks and so forth? About to tackle Around the Bend, more later.

Bill Meyer:  I have never heard of a band claiming Souled American as an influence. My recollection is that in the 1990s they had a critical buzz. I believe that Mike Krassner of Boxhead Ensemble was a fan, and this influenced the decision to recruit Tuma into Boxhead in the late 1990s.

Bryon Hayes:  I'm also late to the party with respect to Souled American proper.  My induction into their orbit was via the series of releases that Scott Tuma recorded with members of Zelienople.  Jenny's comment about trance-y and transcendental really applies to those records, but I also definitely hear it in the latter Souled American releases, especially Notes Campfire.  It's my favorite of the lot; the unhurried tempos and melancholic atmospheres really resonate with me.

I'm wondering if the connection to the northeastern US backwoods psych scene has to do with the band's affiliation with Zelienople. Even though they were also from Chicago, that band seemed heavily aligned with that psychedelic folk scene. I know that Time-Lag released the first Good Stuff House recordings.  That project included Tuma alongside Mike Weis and Matt Christensen from Zelienople.  I'm unclear whether any of the other Souled American band members were aligned with that other band, however.

Jim Marks:  Just for the record, "Tall Boy Blues," "True Swamp Too," "Torch Singer," and "Marleyphine Hank" did not appear on the original vinyl releases but were cassette- and CD-only tracks. The only thing missing from the reissue that I know of is a (fairly straight) cover of a Kris Kristofferson song that appeared on an early 2000s tribute to Kristofferson.

Around the Horn by Souled American

Chris Liberato:  Something clicked for me in the last couple of weeks and I've been enjoying the heck out these records! I haven't digested them all yet, but Fe, Flubber, Frozen and Notes Campfire have all been doing it for me. Flubber is the only one that I was familiar with prior. I bought a used copy in the early aughts (at Twisted Village, rest in peace), but I couldn't get into it at the time and ended up letting it go. Like Bill, I remember being turned off by the vocals. Now I'm hearing shades of Curt Kirkwood from the Meat Puppets, Will Oldham and a little bit of Jay Farrar in the vocals -- all folks whose voices I like a lot, and who I was familiar with long before I heard Souled American. I don't know what my problem was back then.

I'd like to stay on the Meat Puppets comparison for a second because they're the band that Souled American might remind me of the most. Not in their choice of tempos, of course, but in many of the ways we've already touched on: the prominent, burpy bass (flubbery is actually is a  great word to describe it's sound); the spacey, interweaving guitar lines; the cryptic and occasionally profound lyrics. Both bands have this way of blending (many of the same) genres to create something not easily classifiable. And they take a similarly unselfconscious approach to performance, especially in the vocal department. I poked around to see if the Meat Puppets comparison was a common one, but only found a couple mentions. One was in a recent Raven Sings The Blues feature with Eric Johnson of the Fruit Bats where he described Frozen as sounding like Meat Puppet's Up on the Sun but with the tape slowed WAY down." I think that's a pretty accurate description, and one that could be applied to many moments in their catalog.

Jennifer Kelly:  Huh, Meat Puppets, good call, though I think of them as more rock and less Americana.  

I've been listening to the live Strapping Fieldhands from the early to mid-1990s lately and hearing some commonality there as well.  Also very weird and kind of offputting vocals.