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broken-endings · 6 years ago

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the weird impossible-to-know side effects

of spending years on mental health improvement to the point that physical health had to be knowingly sacrificed.

First a preface: (skip to the break to get to the main points of this post)

I still clearly remember the choice I made back at the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013. In which, to completely heal and build by emotional and inner self, I had to make the decision to give it priority over my body’s health.

It pained me to make it. I was a heavy-set kid from middle school to 9th grade, and if I were to detail my daily snack regimen in elementary school, it’d be no surprise why. I only seriously lost weight and became healthier when I joined cross-country the summer before 10th grade. I was never a competitively viable runner, but I went from an average weight in the 180-190′s (my heaviest as a kid at barely 5′5″) to averaging in the 150′s i went from size 16 to size 10/12. I lost twenty pounds during that 3 month summer break and felt good about shocking my friends when I returned to school at the end of august.

I gained the typical freshman 15 in college, and never really got rid of it, but I was still managing a size 12, and medium shirts. I was satisfied with my body and my health. And I pretty much stayed there up to the decision I spoke of at the end of 2012 (18 months after graduating college).

I gained weight after that I gained a lot of weight.

At the heaviest I’m aware I was at, I was in the 260′s back in 2016. I had never been over 200 lbs before the choice I made. My counselor at the time really helped me cope with it, as she had gone through something similar with weight gain and mental health. She made a point that it sucked, but my outward appearance truly reflected my inner self. That I was not okay inside, and now people could see that on the outside.

It was even harder cuz all the while on tumblr, seeing these body positivity and fat positive, and trying not to get down on myself for my weight, but all those posts talked about how weight doesn’t reflect health. But mine sure did, and maybe that’s why it was hard. I was as heavy as I was because I was so unhealthy physically as I struggled with becoming healthy mentally.

The only “exercise” I’d get was the 3 or 4 times I’d take my dog outside for less than five minutes.

It was the most inactive I’d ever been in my entire life, making it that much easier to gain a lot of weight with all the junk food I’d eat.

END OF PREFACE: Back to my topic

These days I’m on a slow but steady upswing, and have been since last year. There’d be some fluctuating, start and stopping, but I’m kind of finding a groove, both bodily and diet-wise. I can see in my work ID photos how the 2016 is so heavy. 2017 was noticeably thinner, and now I’m thinner than I was in my 2017 pic.

In my recent efforts to be more active physically, I’ve discovered things I never thought I’d have to RETEACH myself

I’ve taken up power walking my dog for longer and longer periods. And it took me a week or more to realize: my feet didn’t remember how to walk right.

They’d completely forgotten to push off the toe for momentum and force, something that used to be a no brainer, muscle memory for an ex-cross-country runner.

What they were doing instead was putting all force on the HEEL. When I stepped, the point my feet were pushing off of was the moment my heel hit the ground, before the toe ever hit the ground. it was putting extra force on my legs that couldn’t have led anywhere good

it was weird, but after a couple weeks after that realization I seem to have that muscle memory back...mostly. I still sometimes have to make a conscious effort to push off my toe.

Today. literally a couple hours ago I discovered another weird thing I’m definitely gonna have to work to regain that I never would’ve imagined I’d have to reteach my body. I need to relearn nose breathing.

Because I was so heavy and out of shape for so long, whenever I did have to briefly exert energy I’d be huffing and puffing, all mouth breathing. I also have nonallergic rhinitis and get a stuffy nose multiple times a day, so that fact doesn’t help either.

I only became aware of my excessive mouth-breathing because I realized during my walk I was dehydrating myself with my constant breathing in and out my mouth. I got a super dry mouth even though I’d guzzled a lot of water before leaving.

So I had to consciously focus on breathing in and out through my nose

and because I’ve so rarely nose-breathed I can feel weird slight irritation, like my nose isn’t used to being used this much, especially by itself without my mouth. Like, I need to get my nose used to breathing by itself again, as well as consciously not mouth breathe. I have to break in my nasal muscles. Now that’s not something I ever could have imagined I’d say

first walking

now breathing

what’s the next thing I’ll discover that falls in line with these unexpected, but understandable speed bumps?

#body talk #weight talk #mental health #physical health #muscle memory #or lackthereof #me #counseling

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