#especially considering the bulk of requests I end up with are lesbian ships...

[johannstutt413]

(requested by anonymous)

The Doctor smiled as a familiar face came into the office. “Good morning, Catapult. What do you have planned for today?”

“Oh, you know, the usual - sow mischief, instill disorder, breed chaos.” She smiled. “Nothing too crazy. It’s only Thursday, after all.”

“Well, good luck with that. Oh, while you’re out, could you get me a box of Earl Grey from Closure’s shop? I’m nearly out.”

The Kuranta shrugged. “Sure. I’ll be back in a few hours. Don’t miss me too much!”

“I’ll do my best, but I make no promises.” And with that, Catapult was off.

‘Hmm...Earl Grey, Earl Grey...Er Gey...You’re gay! Heh. People hate getting mislabeled, so I can probably get someone annoyed with that one.’ She rubbed her hands together. “Let’s do it.”

Siege and Indra were walking by as she said that, out loud, without any context whatsoever, and the brawler said, “You talkin’ to us or yourself?”

“Who cares? Hey, guess what? You’re gay!” The Kuranta watched them with anticipation. The Feline was usually pretty easy to get mad, after all…

“No shit.” Instead, she kissed the Aslan while giving Catapult the finger. “Have fun with that one, Cat.”

She watched them walk off, scratching her head. “Huh. Maybe my delivery was off? Probably didn’t help that they’re actually lesbians...Okay, so I guess if this is gonna work, I need to find someone I know is straight. Question is, who?”

“Do you need help finding something?” Blue Poison and Ptilopsis passed her by on their way to a meeting with RI about their Oripathy-fighting medication.

“Nah, I’m just thinking.” Catapult smirked. “Hey, heads up: you probably shouldn’t stop drinking the water at the cafeteria?”

The Anura blinked. “And why is that?”

“Because it’s turning the frogs gay!”

“Is that what does it?” Blue looked at her girlfriend, who shrugged. “I guess I know who to thank, then.”

As yet another pair of targets went about their day unangered, the Kuranta began to understand just how much of a problem it was going to be to find targets...In fact, as she carried on with her day, trying every variation of the stalest, most petulant excuse of a ‘joke’ ever devised by man, it was apparent that Rhodes Island was, in fact, filled to bursting with people her planned taunt simply wouldn’t affect. This came to a head when she tried it in the grocery store as Adnachiel and Steward were buying parts for a machine the former had sketched out. “Hey, Steward, your mom called! She said you’re gay!”

“I doubt she’d tell you that,” he replied, gripping the bags in his hand a little more tightly.

“...Wait a moment.” The Sankta walking with him stopped in his tracks. “Steward, are you?”

The former magazine model turned to look him in the eye. “I...Yeah. What about it?”

“Do you want to have dinner some time? Just the two of us?”

“Gah!” Catapult threw up her hands and stormed off to the tea aisle. “That’s the third time today!”

They watched her walk off before Steward nodded. “That sounds like a great idea, Nach.”

“Excellent. Where should we eat?”

“There’s a Kjeran restaurant not too far from our dorm, actually...” He watched as the Kuranta returned with red eyes and several boxes of Earl Grey tea. “Is she okay?”

No, no she was not; today had been an absolute failure as far as mischief-making had been. Her one day off of training for the week, and she’d wasted it on a scheme that had completely failed to impact anyone whatsoever. Was there a single way to get a joke like this to land on someone?

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” Leaving the store on the way back to the Doctor’s office, Catapult accidentally elbowed a particularly fiery Sarkaz.

She glared at her. “I was!...You know what else?”

“What?!” Ifrit already looked ready to throw hands.

“Heheh.” This time, the Kuranta had a perfect plan. “Your mom’s gay!”

Rather than attack her, however, she simply stared at her. “Which one? Saria or Silence?”

“...Never fucking mind.” And with that final failure, Catapult moped back to the Doctor’s office.

“Welcome back.” The Doctor looked up again as her door opened; this time, however, she stood up and went to meet the teary-eyed Kuranta who’d brought home the Earl Grey. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

The Kuranta tossed the bag onto the couch before running into the Doctor’s arms. “No, nothing happened at all! That’s the problem!”

“Really? How did you manage that?”

“I thought it’d be funny to go around and call people gay, because I was sure at least one person I saw today would be straight, but...” Catapult sniffled. “Doc, everyone here is gay! Everyone!”

She chuckled. “I could have told you that, dear.”

“I thought we were in the minority! How did this happen?!” The Kuranta pulled the Doctor as close to her as she could, genuinely distraught at the lack of impact she’d made today. Was she losing touch?

“Cat, Cat, Cat, what have I been telling you about causing trouble?” The Doctor kissed her cheek. “If you want to make someone mad at you, you can’t just guess at what will rile them up. I’ll ask Dobermann to give you the day off tomorrow, and we’ll frustrate Dobermann and Kal’tsit together, okay?”

She pulled back to smile at her. “Really? Together?”

“Together...Are you hungry? It’s about time for my lunch break.”

“Yeah. I kinda skipped breakfast this morning.” Catapult sighed, leaning against her lover. “You’re not mad I tried to make an insult out of being gay?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I would be if it was anyone else, but I know you’re trying to get someone to punch you, so it wouldn’t do any good.”

“...Maybe that was the issue, then.”

“Trust me, babe, it wasn’t.” She booped the Kuranta’s nose with a finger. “That hasn’t passed for an insult since this was Babel. Let’s go eat already; I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse, and it’s too early to go back to your room.”