#especially considering i apparently have no idea how people hold margaritas those hands are a mess

[nuka-rockit]

Hey look it’s your local Hip Youth Pastor enjoying himself and having a good time and not being part of an apocalyptic demon cult :-)

[girlinthepictureframe]

The Briefest Kiss Part 14

P 14

Spring

After two days of no sleep, heavy home-improvement and -- generally speaking -- very little rest, Alex stood in front of a restaurant a few kilometers south of Sheffield and checked his reflection in the door’s glass. He’d worn one of his favorite leather jackets. He knew he’d promised Miles not to wear one when he knew his friend was in the vicinity, but tonight, Alex was a man on a mission.

A mission to find out whether Miles was in love with him or not.

He was determined.

And a bit scared.

The latter was the reason why is was almost midnight and Alex yet had to enter the restaurant, even though the party, audibly, was well on its way. One last deep breath and Alex pushed the door open, took confident strides and tried to find the one person he had come for. The prospect of seeing Miles made his heart beat irregularly fast and he was uncharacteristically nervous.

Seeing Miles was the most normal thing in the world. And yet, tonight, it felt like a huge event. Unlike this party, which had been sold to him as an actual event and even though it was loud and crowded, it really wasn’t much of anything. He took in the surroundings and felt underwhelmed.

He hadn’t even needed Victoria’s help in figuring out whose party it was and where it was held. He’d mentioned wanting to find out about it to his mother, who - lucky for him - knew everything and everyone and immediately let him know that it was today and that the guy celebrating his birthday was somebody called Jim who considered himself a rockstar by proxy.

This ominous Jim was telling everyone who couldn’t run fast enough that he was a friend of the Arctic Monkeys. That he’d toured with them. Even jammed with them on stage. Well, Alex might have spent a great portion of his rockstar life drunk or occupied, but he was pretty sure he would have remembered touring with some guy named Jim, especially inviting him on stage. That privilege was reserved for those who deserved to stand on that stage.

As Alex made his way across the surprisingly large restaurant, which had cleared out its tables to make room for dancing, he remembered something very important that he too often forgot. He was, indeed, a rockstar. And people recognized him.

“Oh my God, you’re Alex Turner!” some girl squealed at the sight of him. “Jim was right all along! You are friends!”

He was tempted to make up an elaborate lie and claim to be none more than a mere lookalike, but that would require effort and words and, really, he wasn’t in the mood for a prolonged conversation anyway. So he just went with it. “Yep, me and Jim. We go way back. Have you seen my friend Miles?”

“Miles Kane?” The girl laughed. “Oh he’s having the time of his life back there,” she told him and motioned towards the back of the restaurant. She leaned an inch towards him and he leaned an inch backwards. “He’s drunk, I think. Or drugs. Rockstars,” she shrugged. “Can we do a picture?”

“Later,” he lied and made his way towards the back. And there he was. Miles Kane. Dancing the Macarena with his bassist and some other people Alex didn’t recognize. One of them wore a shirt with the name ‘Jim’ printed on the front. He assumed that person was Jim. He spotted Victoria and walked up to her. When she noticed him, he could see the shock in her eyes.

“You? Here?”

“Hi, Vic.” Her attention immediately returned to Miles and when Alex spotted the concern in her eyes, he began to worry. “What’s happening there?”

“Uh…bit of a clusterfuck, I’m afraid.” She glanced at him sideways. “Miles sneezed a few times today. And you know him. He freaks out at the mere idea of getting a cold. So he took some cold medicine. Then, when we got to the hotel, he asked the guy behind the desk if they could get him some more cold medicine. They did. Turned out it was different cold medicine. Which,” she added with an eye-roll, “didn’t stop him from taking that as well. It wasn’t as bad as we feared. He even perked up, got funny and…well, then we got here and next time I saw him, he was holding on to an empty Margarita glass and suggested doing the chicken dance.”

Alex groaned. Typical Miles. Leave it to his favorite rockstar to get high on cold meds the night Alex wanted to talk about love and feelings! “How long has he been doing the Macarena?”

In that moment, the song began anew. Victoria sighed. “This will be the fifth time.”

“Okay. Time to put a stop to it.”

“Probably best,” she agreed. “I’m so ready to leave this party anyway.”

“Miles said this Jim-guy is your friend?”

“What? Are you kidding? That weirdo?” She looked insulted at the mere idea. “I have a few friends near Sheffield, which I had planned on visiting this week. Nathan was on his way to Manchester and Dom wanted to head to Leeds. Somebody mentioned this party. Miles jumped at the chance to go, because it gave him a reason to be near Sheffield, in case you showed up there! Poor fella misses you. Can’t you guys make up already? That way he can just go and visit you when he wants to see you? This whole pretense-shit is really annoying. Oh no!” She tugged on his arm and dragged him backwards. “Incoming! That’s him!”

“Jim with the Jim-shirt?” Alex scoffed. “Classy.”

“Alex, my friend,” exclaimed Jim and hugged Alex before he could run away. “I’d knew you show up! It’s been ages since we saw each other!”

“When was that?” asked Alex. “Remind me!” He was so very tempted to be rude and dismissive but he was really pushing his Karma lately and it would be mean to ruin this guy’s night just for the fun of it. Right? Alex endured. “Somebody said we played on the same stage once?”

“Yes!” Jim laughed. “I may have exaggerated. You don’t remember me, do you? We went to high school together! I sat next to you in Biology!”

“Biology?” Alex’s ears perked up. “Hey, you don’t happen to remember if I ever scribbled anything important into my book, do you?”

Jim gave him a weird look. “What?”

Stellar achievement, Turner! Alex was silently laughing at himself. This guy had to wear a shirt with his name on it just so people at his own birthday party would know who he was and yet, somehow, Alex ended up looking like the idiot.

“He’s headed for the bar again,” said Victoria.

Alex snapped out of it. “Great party, man! But I gotta go. Happy Birthday!” Then he followed her to the bar, where Miles was in the middle of ordering.

“Miles!”

Miles turned around, saw Alex and smiled bashfully. The barman was ignored and Miles beelined towards Alex, wrapped both arms around him and squeezed all the air out of his lungs. It felt so bloody good! Alex returned the hug, all but bruised his friend’s ribs by the sheer force of it. “You okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“Because we’re hugging?” wondered Miles.

“No!” Alex chuckled. He leaned back and felt Victoria tap his shoulder.

“All yours now,” she smiled. “I’m out. Night, guys! Oh, by the way, he’s staying at the Meadow Hotel, across the street.” Then she was gone.

Alex let go of Miles and grabbed his hand. “Let’s go, Miles. Party is over.”

“No,” complained Miles and tugged Alex back. For someone who was completely drunk and felt feverish, Miles had surprising amounts of strengths left and Alex had to put in some effort to drag him with him.

“Miles, come on. You might have fever!” Alex had felt the heat coming from him when they had hugged. “Trust me, you need rest.”

“I don’t want to be alone right now,” he pouted.

“I’ll stay with you,” promised Alex. As if would leave him alone in this state! And what a wonderful excuse to remain near to him, chimed a sneaky little voice in his head. Bad, Alex! He admonished himself. “Bad!”

“What’s bad?” asked Miles.

Alex cursed. “Nothing. Let’s go, Mi.”

It took a lot of tugging and willpower, but somehow Alex managed to walk with Miles across a startlingly busy street, managed to make it up the stairs with him in tow, because the little hotel had no elevator, and at long last succeeded in fishing the key out of Miles’ pants’ pocket without actually touching him too much. The last part had been the hardest bit.

“Now what?” Miles dropped onto the bed and laid back, arms stretched out. “I’m thirsty, I’m bored and that was a great party you dragged me away from!”

“It was not,” countered Alex with an eye roll as he got rid of his leather jacket.

Miles saw it and pointed a finger at him accusingly. “Leather! You little shit, you’re wearing your leather jacket!”

Well, yes. For a reason! But Miles wouldn’t understand that reason at the moment! So Alex got defensive, instead. “It was cold outside. You’re wearing your old cologne!” He’d smelled it on him when they had hugged. The things it made him want to do… Alex shivered.

“I didn’t know you’d show up! Are you cold? Oh no, did you catch the cold from me?” His face faltered. “We shouldn’t have touched. It’s dangerous when we do that. We either kiss, have sex or get sick! It always ends up being awful!” Miles sighed deeply, apparently greatly disturbed by the fact that life was such a rude companion.

Alex had to laugh. “Oh stop it! All is well. Besides, I honestly wouldn’t describe the sex and the kissing as awful. Quite the opposite,” he said as he grabbed a glass and poured water into it. He handed it to Miles. “Drink that.”

Miles took the glass but stared at Alex with his big, round eyes. He seemed stunned. “You liked the sex?”

Alex mentally cursed himself. “Well,” he admitted, “I never said I didn’t, did I?”

“Guess not,” allowed Miles, still looking confounded.

Trying to change the topic, Alex grabbed a shirt from Miles’ bag and tossed it at him. “Strip and put that on. And then climb into bed.” He walked up to him and gently placed a hand against Miles’ forehead. “You’re hot.”

Miles grinned. “I know. It’s why I wore the suit. Makes me look much taller and fitter than I am.”

“I meant feverish, Miles.” Alex was back to laughing. “You have a slight fever.” He leaned down, kissed his forehead and then made his way to the window to open it. “And you don’t need the suit to look tall and fit. You are tall and fit.”

Trying and failing to undo his tie, Miles stopped mid-struggle. “What’s with you? You’re all flirty tonight. It’s not fair. I’m sick and defenseless! And what if I don’t want to defend myself against you? I couldn’t even kiss you if I wanted to, cause I’m bloody sick!” He was pouting again. “I hate being sick!”

“I know you do.” Alex took pity on him. He looked so helpless and miserable. He took the ends of the tie out of Miles’ hands and removed the whole thing from his neck. When Alex began to undo the buttons of Miles’ shirt, meticulously, one by one, he felt his own temperature beginning to rise. There was no torture greater than to be this close, this intimate, and be unable to take this where he so desperately wanted to take it. “Up,” he croaked, his throat dry, his hands shaky.

Miles stood up and watched as Alex pulled the shirt out of his pants. While Alex fought with the buttons and his fast-slipping control, Miles’ hands went to his own belt. Alex grinned when he saw it. “You’re wearing my belt again.” Their foreheads were touching now and he felt Miles nodding softly.

“I like wearing it.”

“It’s a very nice belt,” agreed Alex.

“I like it cause it’s your belt,” whispered Miles.

When the last button was undone, Alex took a large step back. Miles dropped back to the bed and looked hazy. Alex certainly shared that feeling. One more bloody button and he’d have lost it entirely. “I’ll be…” He motioned towards the bathroom and hurried there. The air in there felt much cooler than in the other room. Wherever Miles was, it was always hot and sticky and bit foggy, too.

Alex stared at his reflection in the mirror. Miles is sick, he scolded himself. Get a grip!

“I’m underneath the covers,” called Miles. “You can come back now!”

“That’s not…” Alex returned to Miles’ bedside. “I didn’t…”

“It’s okay,” assured Miles, his voice low and hoarse. “I would have bolted. But the room was spinning and I got dizzy. You always do that to me. You were right, you know?” Miles smiled more than a little loopy. “I do need rest. I feel exhausted. Will you stay with me? Please.”

He was so bloody adorable when looked at him with that helpless expression. Alex nodded. Unable and unwilling to say no. “Of course.” He walked around the back and laid on top of the covers, to make sure that there was a very real, very efficient barrier between them – a thought that made him laugh. Miles would understand the humor of it. Miles turned to face the window, tugged one of Alex’s arms around him and Alex made no move to fight it. Instead, he scooted closer, ignored the gnawing voice in the back of his head that snootily bedeviled what he was doing, and placed his cheek against that of Miles. But not before pressing a quick kiss to it. “Try to sleep,” hushed Alex and closed his eyes as well.

When he woke up a few hours later, he felt exceptionally well rested and wonderfully content. The air was fresh and clean, the sun had already risen and Miles was half on top of him, face buried in the crook of his neck, snoring softly. His friend no longer felt feverish, which relaxed Alex even more. Holding him in place with one arm, Alex reached for his phone with the other. A bunch of unread messages, some missed calls. But nothing of importance. He put it away, rested his head against Miles’ and closed his eyes again. The world could wait a few more hours.

Miles on the other hand…well, he decided to wake up instead.

“Why are we sleeping in the same bed,” he murmured against Alex’s neck, disrupting that magnificent silence he’d enjoyed so much a moment ago.

Alex opened his eyes and prepared for impact. “You were sick, high and needy for contact. I’m weak,” he deadpanned, “I missed you, and I’m not awake enough to have yet another discussion about boundaries. Go back to sleep!” He kept his arm around him, refusing to let go.

Lucky for him, Miles made no effort to detach. “I was high? What did I take?”

“Cold meds and liquor. The good stuff.”

Miles groaned against Alex’s neck, the soft vibrations of it in return made Alex groan because that sound woke a part of him that had, until now, slumbered peacefully. And it immediately craved for attention. “How’s your cold?” asked Alex, trying to ignore his increasing state of arousal.

Miles swallowed, then breathed deeply through his nose, and finally smiled. “Better. Gone, I think.”

“Perfect. ‘Cause there are a few things you and I need to discuss.”

“Sleeping arrangements?”

“Something like that.” Alex gathered all of his resolve and moved ahead. “I told you on the phone the other day that I had that weird thought that I couldn’t really figure out or make sense of. But I could. Finally. However, I don’t know if I made the right sense of it…you know?”

“No,” admitted Miles, surprising Alex when he curled himself deeper into his arms. “Do we have to discuss this now, Al?” He sounded vastly uninterested in having any kind of conversation. Instead, his nose dug deeper into the curve where Alex’s jaw ended and his throat began.

“Miles,” he whined, “what are you doing?” He wasn’t opposed to what he was doing. But he wanted to talk first. He needed to know if he was reading the whole situation right. He needed to know for certain whether or not Miles was in love with him. If the answer was yes, then they could have sex. All the sex in the world. The whole day. And night. Every day and every night. He’d love that very much. But Alex needed to talk first! His head felt close to exploding!

But Miles didn’t know any of that as he placed a featherlight kiss on Alex’s jaw. “I’m doing a bad thing,” whispered Miles, licking the spot that he’d just kissed. “A very bad thing. Do you want me to stop?”

Yes! “No…” His head rolled back, giving Miles more space. And boy, did he make use of that! “Don’t stop. Please don’t stop!” Fisting his fingers in Miles’ hair, Alex moaned loudly. “Feels so good!” He closed his eyes, wet his lips, and when Miles bit his earlobe, Alex arched against him. “Baby, don’t stop!”

Miles bit him again, teasing the last bit of reluctance right out of him. “First time you called me baby,” he breathed into Alex’s ear. “Say it again.”

“Baby.” Alex was melting on the spot.

Miles became more brazen, rolled on top of him, tried to get closer, but he was struggling. Something was in his way. “What the—” Grabbing the edge of the very annoying comforter and trying to push it away, Miles became impatient. “Why are you on top of this thing?” He grumbled, bothered.

It allowed Alex a chance to take a breath and assess what was happening. He snapped out of his aroused stupor, placed a hand against Miles’ chest and pushed him off of him. “Get back, you! Bad Miles!” God, that was close! If it weren’t for the comforter, who knows what they’d be doing right now! Well, he had a pretty good idea what they’d be doing right now. So had Miles, apparently, who had the guts to look rejected and angry. “Oh I could strangle you right now!”

“What? Fuck, Alex! I thought you liked it!”

“I did! That’s not the fucking point!” Alex climbed out of bed, completely ignoring the fact that he was sporting some serious wood. Anger was overcoming him. His blood pressure was rising. Being sexually frustrated made it all that much worse. “I had to listen to you over and over again telling me that we need to stay away from each other and suddenly here you are, mauling me! I had to endure weeks of separation because you were the one who wanted space and distance! You all but accused of seducing you and here you are, bloody nibbling on my earlobe! I spent the night on top of what I can only assume is a very warm comforter and it was a cold night! I was freezing for the sake of our friendship! Then I tell you I want to talk to you and instead of listening, you get all horny!” Alex was pacing up and down the room, venting, when Miles held up the comforter. “What are you doing?”

“You said you were freezing tonight. I’m offering you some warmth.” Miles was dragging his teeth along the corner of his bottom lip. Guilt was written all over his face. “I promise I’ll stay on my side and not touch you. And I’ll listen to every word you want to say. Will you please come back to bed?”

Alex closed his eyes. He buried his face in his hands. At some point he’d have to figure out a way to say no to him. But not today. He walked to the bed and climbed back into it. It was nice and warm. It also smelled of Miles, which made talking to him that much more complicated. Rolling to his side, propping his head up on one arm, Alex watched him for a moment. “What happened to your boundaries?” he asked with a much softer voice.

Miles lowered his eyes. “I haven’t seen you in weeks. I’m weak, too. I missed you just as much. And I fucking want you,” he blurted out, rolling on his back and squeezing his eyes shut. He drove his hands through his hair, disgruntled and unsatisfied. “You have no idea how much!”

Oh, he had a pretty good idea of it, actually. Alex cursed under his breath, took a hold of his friend’s shirt and roughly pulled Miles against him as he climbed on top of him. “Feel me,” demanded Alex as he pushed himself against Miles. “Feel how hard I am for you?” He took Miles’ lips in a bruising kiss. “That’s how much I want you. Every day. All the time.” Another kiss. His tongue plunged deeply into Miles’ mouth. “I want to fight it, but I can’t!”

“Me neither,” whispered his friend, digging his nails into Alex’s ass, bringing him impossibly close. “It’s too strong.” Miles kissed Alex forcefully. “It’s all I can think about.” Tongues were tangling. “Day and night.” They were breathing hard, fully rubbing against one another, frantically seeking more. “What happened to talking,” asked Miles with a heady grin, his voice husky.

“Fuck talking,” declared Alex.

“Fuck me,” said Miles.

Alex stared into his eyes. Miles leaned up, placed a provocative kiss on his lips, and smiled at him in such a trusting, loving manner that Alex’s heart almost stopped beating. “Make me yours,” urged Miles.

Those words! Alex’s eyes began to flutter. He leaned down, kissed him hard and drowned completely.

Until his phone rang. Miles chuckled against Alex’s lips, unwilling to let go. Two sets of hands fumbled around, trying to find it. “Bloody thing,” muttered Miles, simultaneously leaving marks on Alex’s throat and struggling to get hold of that phone. “Here!” He grabbed it, pulled it from underneath some pillow and smiled victoriously. Until saw the name of the caller.

Alex shut the phone off without looking, tossed it across the room and went back to Miles’ soft, pliant lips, only to find them hard and unwelcoming. He let up. “What?”

Now it was Miles’ turn to shove Alex off of him. “That was your girlfriend,” he let his friend now. “She’s probably worried about you. You should call her back.”

Out of breath, out of words, and covered by a comforter that no longer offered warmth but rather felt like the lid of a coffin, Alex closed his eyes, then let out a loud and frustrated groan. “Fuck!” His mood took a nosedive into the deep end. “FUCK!”

“You should go,” suggested Miles somberly as he reached for the shirt that Alex had somehow stripped off of him.

“Miles, no! I’m not leaving now!”

“So stay. I’ll go.”

Alex sat up, reached for Miles’ shoulder and held him back. “No! Listen to me! Damn it, Miles…this whole thing, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this! This isn’t what I came for! I swear on anything that you want me to that I had honest intentions! I came to talk. I missed you, that part is true! I wanted to see you and…” He still tugged on his shoulder. “Would you please look at me?”

When Miles did, it broke Alex’s heart. He looked so hurt. His vibrant and shiny eyes had turned dull and empty. To know that he was the reason for that made Alex feel worse than he ever had. “Baby—”

“Don’t!” Yelled Miles and shot off the bed, away from him. “Don’t you fucking dare call me that.”

“Okay. Okay,” promised Alex. He sorted his next words in his head. What was he trying to say? Should he just blurt out that he loved him? Would he even believe him? Should he ask Miles about his night with his ex? Was it any of his business? Did it have anything to do with this? Should he explain to Miles why he was still with Louise? Wouldn’t that make him lose all respect for him?

“Is there anything you want to tell me or can I leave?” asked Miles tiredly, disappointedly, by now wearing pants and shoes.

Alex snapped out of his thoughts. “Are you and Suki back together?”

Miles’ eyes widened. Then they turned away from him. “I’m leaving now. Don’t call me.”

“Shit, Miles!” Alex hurried after him. “Don’t! I didn’t mean to ask it.” Fuck, why had he asked it? He hadn’t believed that Miles’ eyes could turn even colder. “Miles!”

Bag in hand, Miles tossed Alex one last disillusioned look and then walked out of the room and let the door fall shut.

Alex dropped back onto the bed. He’d never felt so powerless, so dumb and so lonely. “But I love you, Miles.”

Two weeks later

“Say that again,” demanded Matt and placed his beer away. The Monkeys were all in Los Angeles, sitting in Matt’s backyard, enjoying burgers and fries. Until Alex had decided to drop a bombshell on them, that was. Now they just sat in awe. “You broke up with her?”

“Two weeks ago,” stressed Alex. “I’ve been meaning to tell you guys. But I’ve lost all appreciation for phones, little though I had for those to begin with. I’m not getting another hair cut,” he added, well aware of the fact that his coif was a constant topic of discussion amongst his friends. “I’m not heartbroken. I’m not lonely, or depressed because of it. It just had to be done. She’ll remain at my house in France until the end of the month and then, hopefully, we’ll be done with one another. I take all the blame. She was kind, and understanding, and tossed none more than two Prada bags and a pair of spiky boots at me.”

As his band-mates laughed, Alex nodded. “Let it all out. I deserve it.”

Jamie grabbed some fries and ate them. “Why’d you end it?”

“I don’t love her,” stated Alex and admitted what was rolling off his lips much easier these days. “I’m in love with Miles.”

Jamie spit the fries out again, coughing wildly. “I’m sorry, what?”

Nick slapped Jamie’s back, trying to help him while Matt succumbed to deep, roaring laughter. “Fucking finally,” the drummer rejoiced. “I thought you’d never get there!”

Ignoring the startled looks from Jamie and Nick, Alex faced Matt. “What?”

“Oh, come on,” said Matt, still grinning. “Back on tour, on the bus, my bunk wasn’t that far away from yours. You’ve had some pretty noisy dreams about him. So you’re dating now? Or are you skipping that dating nonsense and head straight into marriage?”

Huh. Interesting, thought Alex, as he pondered Matt’s question. He really wasn’t into the concept of marriage. Never had been. But spending the rest of his life with Miles? He sure liked that idea. There was only one problem. “Miles isn’t speaking to me at the moment. Which, naturally, is my fault.”

“Details, man. You can’t drop something like that and be all vague about the rest.” Jamie gave up on food and was listening intently to Alex and his lack of explanations.

“What details do you want,” asked Alex, irritated.

“Start at the beginning,” suggested Nick.

And he did. A few cigarettes and some beers later, all the Monkeys knew that Alex and Miles had done it last fall, knew all about their struggles to carry on from there and now shared Alex’s opinion that he was a stupid little idiot for wanting to confess his love to Miles without breaking up with his girlfriend first.

“Now what?” asked Alex as he sat back, a bit tired from talking about his heart so much.

Nick tapped his finger against his chin. “You need a grand gesture. How about a love song?”

“Pff,” scoffed Matt. “A love song from Alex is the most boring gesture ever!”

“Excuse me?” Alex glared at him.

“You write love songs like other people peel potatoes. It’s nothing special when you do it. How about a hot air balloon ride? Or a romantic yacht trip?”

“How about a new drummer,” suggested Alex snidely. “Fellas, I appreciate the help. But Miles won’t even pick up the phone at the moment. I sincerely doubt he’ll join me on a yacht trip.”

“Should one of us talk to him?” suggested Jamie. “Or we invite him somewhere and you show up.”

“No. Thanks for trying to help. But this is my mess and I have to clean it up. Besides, it’ll teach me a lesson. I’m sure of it.” He wasn’t that sure of it, but that’s what his mother had told him when he’d spent the day after the Miles-fiasco with her. She had felt so bad for him that she’d actually gotten him out of doing even more garage work.

Something else occurred to him just then. Something he’d also noticed when talking to his parents. And Louise, now that he thought back to it. “Why isn’t anyone ever surprised about the fact that I’ve fallen in love with a man?”

“It’s not some random male model or whatever,” said Nick.

Matt agreed. “It’s Miles.”

“And the two of you…well, we all kind of saw it coming. We had just given up hope, cause you guys were taking so bloody long to get there,” added Jamie.

“That means,” reiterated Alex, needing as much reassurance of it as he could get, “that you also think that Miles has feelings for me?”

Matt was back to laughing, and Jamie and Nick just rolled their eyes. The drummer spoke up. “Listen up, dear and dumb friend of mine, that guy has it bad for you!”

Well, Matt had a good point – he was dumb! So Alex could only hope that he hadn’t ruined it all by being his usual self…

Spoiler for Part 15:

“You must be tripping right now,” concluded Alex, reached for the bottle of water on table next to him. And froze.

Miles noticed, saw what his friend’s eyes were focusing on and all laughter died.

“How did that get here?”

[chaos-weekly]

There were no irritating pet names, no snarky comments, no banter passed between them. Things had gone back to how they’d been before Jared and Jake made them fake date. And Didi had no clue why she hated it so much.

Okay, so she did know. JJ had become an actual friend, and somehow, everything had messed up. She was pissed he’d ghosted her for the night, that he’d left her to worry about her friend. Didi knew JJ could handle himself, but her mom had just gotten into a wreck with a semi truck that turned too fast. Excuse her for worrying about something that turned out to now be perfectly rational. She already had one person she cared about in a hospital room. Didi didn’t need a second.

They weren’t quite at the silent treatment, but JJ barely said anything to her, and she didn’t initiate conversations either. He’d slept on the couch the last few nights, despite her rolling her eyes every time. He used the guest bathroom unless he was showering. They were in one tiny apartment, but they weren’t talking to each other.

It was Hell.

Didi hadn’t missed JJ’s old school country music, but he played it on the road to and from the hospital every day, louder than usual. Didi’s mom knew something was up, but Didi wouldn’t answer her questions about it. That would require being honest with herself, and telling her mom that this guy Didi had finally settled down with was just dating her in the public eye. She couldn’t do that to her mom’s heart. Not after her mom was already paralyzed from the waist down and could never dance again. Her mom lost almost everything in that wreck. Didi wasn’t about to take away the hope for grand babies or a son in law, either.

JJ sat next to her on the plane, but unlike on the flight to Minneapolis, he angled himself away from her. Didn’t even look her way. Didi tried to focus on the window, but she couldn’t focus on anything except her angry, hurt heart.

So what if JJ had hooked up with someone? He was right. She wasn’t his girlfriend. Just ‘cause she hadn’t hooked up with anyone in two months didn’t mean he couldn’t. It was fake. It was all fake.

But Didi’s burgeoning feelings for JJ definitely weren’t, nor were her attraction and jealousy. She seriously had some problems to work out. They had five months left of this contract, and Didi didn’t want to spend five months giving each other the silent treatment. She deserved better than that from someone she had considered a friend. JJ deserved better than that, as reluctant as Didi was to admit it.

But she wasn’t about to offer an olive branch. Not yet. Maybe she had been hurt more than she should have because her stupid heart got attached to the idea of JJ being around.

When they’d left, he joked about cowboys breaking hearts, not getting theirs broken. She told him her heart didn’t belong to him, and he’d said they’d reevaluate on Friday.

Yeah. Turns out JJ was right.

And she hated it.

But Didi had a plan. She knew Nollie was crashing with London for the weekend, so Didi wouldn’t have to deal with any questions or concerns when she got home. She could shower, drop her stuff off, and head over to Xander’s. All these feelings for JJ had to be because she hadn’t had sex in two months, and he was the guy she was spending all her time with. Didi had gone that long before, but not while continuously spending time with one guy. Meeting up with Xander—who knew she was coming—would fix it. She’d get it all out of her system, hang out with her best friend that wouldn’t try and fix everything with words, and all would be okay.

Then Didi could apologize to JJ for overreacting. Because then she wouldn’t be lying if he said she cared about him as more than a friend.

Didi didn’t exactly enjoy rejection, and she didn’t have experience with it, either. She was drop dead gorgeous. She was talented. She was rich. She was funny and kindhearted and laughed easily. She was smart. In short, Didi was a catch, and everybody knew it. She’d been rejected for auditions, but that was the only rejection she was familiar with. And that was all because of her first movie, where she played the spoiled brat mean girl, and everybody only saw her as that from then onwards.

Didi didn’t want JJ to see her like that, too. Not again. Not anymore.

The flight passed uncomfortably, even if they were in first class. JJ and Didi managed to avoid any paparazzi on their way to his car, miraculously. As had become their routine, JJ opened her door silently, Didi got in, and he turned up the country music that he knew she didn’t like. But she knew that it brought back good memories for him, and Didi didn’t want to deprive him of those, either.

Wordlessly, she was dropped off at her apartment. Didi muttered something to thank JJ for his help, for the surprise trip, his support, but she left before she could hear a reply. Her thanks were genuine, but she didn’t want to see if he even deigned to reply. Knowing how upset they both were with her—and she with him, partially—she doubted JJ would say much more than “you’re welcome.”

Didi entered her bedroom to the refreshing smell of cinnamon apples. It was her room spray, and she had missed it. Even if it wasn’t as good smelling as JJ’s cologne.

Not that she needed to think about him. But it wasn’t like she had a choice, either. His black cowboy hat from Xander’s party still sat on top of the lamp on her nightstand.

That stupid night had been the start of the end. Somehow, Didi had messed up whatever friendship and camaraderie they’d built. When she told JJ that she meant she liked him as a friend, he’d started being ever so slightly different. Like he was deflecting. And then she’d realize the night he’d been gone that Didi hadn’t meant it as just a friend. She liked him a whole lot more than that, which definitely wasn’t good.

But JJ—if he had ever thought he’d felt for her in the same way—clearly didn’t anymore. He’d gone and hooked up with someone else, abandoned her (or so it felt) to worry and loneliness, and then acted like it wasn’t a big deal the next morning.

Except it shouldn’t have been a big deal. This was fake. Their relationship was fake.

Didi eyed the hat with dark eyes before turning her back on it. She needed out of here. Even a simple reminder of JJ was a reminder of her stupidity.

It took her too long to drive to Xander’s mansion. She lived closer to downtown, when he was a little outside of the city. Didi let herself in, dropping her overnight bag and already ready to pull her clothes off and get her mind (and heart) off of everything.

Xander walked out, studying her as she sauntered up to him. Before she could even kiss him, he shook his head.

“I’m not sleeping with you, Didi.”

Seriously? Now of all times he actually wasn’t gonna get in her pants? He wanted to all the time when he was with Leah, and even more often when he wasn’t. It’d been over two months since they’d had sex—which was a while for them—but Xander chose now to grow a conscience?

“And why the f-k not?” Didi challenged, letting her shirt drop from her hands and folding her arms over her chest. “You lost that stupid bet. It’s been two months. Are you seeing Leah again? ‘Cause that’s clearly never stopped you before, I’m not holding back even if you are.”

Xander shook his head slowly, stepping back and heading over to the bar he had in his living room. It was still set up from his party.

“You’re gonna regret it if I do sleep with you,” he announced, mixing up what was probably a crappy dirty Shirley for her and a slightly more tolerable cosmo for himself.

Didi laughed sharply. “Trust me, this is one thing I won’t regret.” She followed him over, taking a seat at the bar and accepting her drink that probably had too much grenadine. It always did. Xander had a heavy hand, and sadly it wasn’t with the alcohol.

“I’m still not sleeping with you right now. I’m not doing that to you or JJ.” There was no teasing in his voice like there usually was. Xander was rarely serious, it was one of her favorite things about him. He knew how to let loose and have fun. But apparently the occasion didn’t call for it.

“JJ won’t care, and it won’t hurt me,” Didi grumbled. JJ had made it clear—she wasn’t his real girlfriend. And after the last three days of silent treatment, Didi wasn’t sure she wanted to be. And yeah, that was a lie, but she kept telling herself that. One day it would be true.

Xander chuckled and sipped his drink. These were the only two he knew how to make, and only because they were their favorites. She’d seen him attempt a margarita for Nollie once. It hadn’t ended well.

“You like him, Didi. And I know he’s into you. Jude isn’t the type to take a friend out to visit her hospitalized mom, especially if that means talking to booking agents and scheduling people to rearrange her schedule, too.”

Didi snorted. “Yeah, I don’t think I’m even his friend anymore.”

Xander raised an eyebrow. Man, where had he learned how to make her talk? ‘Cause he knew how, even without asking a question.

“JJ hooked up with someone in Minnesota. No clue who, something about an NDA going two ways. And he didn’t tell me he wasn’t coming home. Didn’t respond to my texts. Showed up the next morning, and I was pissed. My mom just got into a car accident, Xan. It wasn’t unreasonable to wonder if that had happened to him, too.” Didi sighed. There was some much more to it, but voicing her thoughts would make them real. She wasn’t sure she was up to that.

But Xander just kept watching her, and Didi knew she had to keep going.

“So I flipped out at him for going AWOL and he totally read between the lines when I was pissed he slept with someone. And he made it very clear that it’s none of my business who he sleeps with or is seeing, because I’m his fake girlfriend. Definitely not his real one.” She scoffed. Yeah, this very much hadn’t ended well, and it hurt her heart to relive it all. His words had been so venomous. She hated that tone. It was how he’d spoken their first few interactions, but now it was worse, because now she knew he hated her. Not because she was annoying or he was making assumptions, either. He hated her for overreacting and caring more than she should have.

Didi couldn’t blame him.

“I think we’ve said maybe ten words to each other in three days. It’s been Hell. Even without these stupid feelings, he’s actually been a good friend. When Mom first got hurt, he came over and talked to me about my favorite music and my memories with her. And your party?” Didi swore before continuing. “That was what I needed to relax and distract myself from everything. JJ was so caring and kind and funny and just. He’s great. He’s too great and I can’t have him because he’s not interested.”

Didi did not mention the spooning that happened after the party. Thankfully, Xander did not ask. JJ definitely hadn’t mentioned it o him—he hadn’t even mentioned it to Didi since the morning they woke up together.

“You’re wrong,” Xander said, finally speaking up. “He may think you’re right, but JJ cares about you, even if he doesn’t wanna see it that way. He’s a fan of first impressions and sticking to them. You guys got off to a horrible start, and now he probably is trying to act like nothing ever changed between you two. But it did. He likes you, Didi, and he’ll realize it soon enough.”

She shook her head sadly, and luckily Xander didn’t press further. He set his now empty glass down. Didi had barely dipped at her own cocktail, and not just ‘cause it had too much pomegranate.

“C’mon,” Xander ushered, walking towards the stairs up to the second floor. “We’re gonna go play lego Star Wars until you feel better.”

Didi frowned. She’d played video games—usually the fantasy or adventure ones—with Xander before, but she hadn’t been a big fan. How was this supposed to help her feel better? But Didi was too tired to object, so she followed mutely.

////

The next morning, Xander had woken Didi up in the guest bedroom with an eager grin and the promise of breakfast. There was a cute cafe, one of those artsy hipster ones that felt unique, a few streets away.

It didn’t take long for Didi to smile again, even if it didn’t feel entirely genuine. Xander told her about reading to kids at the hospital. He’d signed up on a whim after realizing he missed stories and reading and being a kid, and he couldn’t get enough of it. He’d done two shifts his first day, signed up for the next week, and then gone again two days later. He was signed up twice for next week, now.

Didi was excited to see Xander so animated. She hadn’t seen her friend this light since before Leah and more fame hit his life. Back when he was doing indie dramas and romcoms, Xander hadn’t been as irritating or as much of a player. He still slept around, still broke hearts, still made bad choices, but he had been more carefree. Then he hit gold with some blockbuster romance from Nicholas Sparks, and he’d met Leah at the premiere. She’d written a song for the movie.

It was all disaster from there, so it was refreshing to see her best friend so open and happy again. Even if Didi felt the complete opposite, it was worth it to see Xander happy.

“Are you seeing anyone, then? I know you’re staying away from the Monster, but who what about that blonde at the party? Your lawyer?” Didi had suspected, after further thought, that he’d feelings for JJ weren’t the only reason Xander hadn’t been interested. In the last month or two, he’d slowly been relaxing and opening up more, and now he was back to the Xander she first met. It would make sense for a pretty girl to be involved, even if only a friend.

Xander’s face went straight, and he shrugged. “She’s a friend, potential plaything, a lawyer. Nothing more than that, Di,” Xander said. But he was calm. He wasn’t even arrogant, which meant something was definitely up.

“Xander, I love you, and I know you have a great poker face, but you’re still a terrible liar.” He stuck his tongue out at her.

“You’re no better.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know, trust me. Somehow being actors doesn’t make us better liars.” If she was a better actress then maybe she could have acted in public with JJ without catching feelings. But at least she’d snapped a picture of Xander sticking his tongue out at her. That would go on Instagram later.

“I’m not talking about her,” Xander said, sobering up. “She’s—she’s someone I don’t want to lose as a friend. It’s easy with her, and I’m not gonna risk changing that.”

Didi raised an eyebrow, but she lacked Xander’s secret spilling powers. He just smiled and shook his head.

“C’mon, let’s get home. We can watch a movie or something. Lord of the Rings maybe? Harry Potter?”

Didi thought about that as they walked back towards his house. “Harry Potter, even if they rarely give Hufflepuffs any credit.” Didi was a Hufflepuff. Loyal, good, kindhearted, just. Most people thought she was a Slytherin, or maybe a Gryffindor. And she had elements of both, but she was a Hufflepuff at heart.

When they got back to his house, Didi posted the photo of Xander on Instagram with the caption of “best friends and breakfast dates.” It would make Jared flip out at her, especially since she hadn’t posted in a week, and it had been a week before that since mentioning JJ, but Jared was at the bottom of Didi’s priorities. Her creepy manager could suck it. He was the one that helped her into this mess in the first place.

Didi noticed Xander on his phone, but she didn’t think anything of it. Soon enough, they were set up in his movie room—complete with bean bags and a candy snack bar—but Xander needed to make popcorn. He didn’t have any left upstairs, apparently.

Didi waited a good five minutes for going hunting for her best friend. She had gotten back to his house and changed into an old t shirt she’d stolen from him years ago. But it was unmistakably his—it was a high school state drama competition t shirt. For California. Didi had definitely not grown up in California.

“Xander? Did you burn the popcorn again?” Didi called, walking into the kitchen to hear tense voices.

“I’m going home, Xander. I’m not dealing with her right now.” It was JJ, but what was he doing here? He clearly hadn’t come to see her, and Didi didn’t think him the type to show up randomly.

Xander.

Xander had to have done this.

She sighed and followed the sound of their voices to the front room.

“Let JJ go home if he wants to, Xander. If he doesn’t wanna talk, then I’m not gonna force him to talk.” But Didi was looking at JJ, not her best friend. And JJ was staring at her t shirt and messy hair (the bean bag had nasty static electricity). He probably figured she’d hooked up with Xander, but it wasn’t like he would care. It wasn’t like he had a right to, just like she hadn’t had a right to object to him sleeping with someone. The ghosting her? That hadn’t been okay, but she shouldn’t have gotten upset as she had.

“Too bad, ‘cause I’m gonna. You two are gonna sit down and talk it out—or argue it out until you end up f-ing it out. I don’t care, but you’re gonna fix your relationship.” Xander gave them both very pointed looks before he left through the front door. Didi shifted uncomfortably, and she heard Xander lock the door behind him. They could totally use the deadbolt and knob to unlock his front door, but the message was clear. They needed to figure this out.

“I’m sorry, Jude,” Didi said after a moment of awkward silence. She made sure to make eye contact, frowning with disappointment in herself. “I overreacted. What you do with your free time, and who you do it with, isn’t any of my business.” As much as she wanted it to be. But Didi didn’t say that. She continued,

“You should have at least texted me back, I maintain that, but I am sorry I overreacted. You deserve better than that in a friend and fake girlfriend.”

JJ seemed confused, and maybe a little startled, by her apology. Did he expect her to be all self-righteous? To act like she had every right to be as upset as she was? Didi wasn’t the entitled brat people often made her out to be. She actually had a conscience and emotional maturity. At least, she had some emotional maturity. Didi wasn’t sure anymore if she had much more than that.

“Why were you so upset?” JJ asked, hands in his jeans pockets. He painted a perfect picture of casualness. She wished she felt that calm.

Didi took a deep breath. She wasn’t gonna lie to him, but she didn’t exactly wanna tell him, either. But JJ still deserved to know.

“I got attached to you, which I know wasn’t a good idea ‘cause it’s all for publicity’s sake. But I like you, as more than a friend. Even then, that doesn’t give me a right to judge your choices like I did.” Now she wasn’t making eye contact, staring at his feet instead.

“Yet you f-ed Xander.” There wasn’t an accusation in his words. It was just a statement, maybe even one of confusion. And maybe hurt, but Didi knew she was imagining that part.

Didi laughed softly, wryly. “I tried. I was angry with myself, still am, and wanted to just get my frustrations out. So I tried to hook up with him again.” She looked up finally, her eyes as tired as her heart, but meeting JJ’s steady gaze was too much. So she looked over his shoulder.

“Sex hasn’t ever been an emotional thing for me. It’s for fun, for pleasure, a distraction, whatever. It doesn’t mean anything to me, even if it does to other people.” Even if other people sleeping with other people meant something to her.

Yeah, Didi didn’t understand it either.

JJ still hadn’t said anything, and Didi felt his gaze on her face still. She saw his eyes on her from the corner of her own vision.

“I’ll give you space for a while. I know you probably want it, so I’ll just see you at the next event.” Didi stepped backwards, arms wrapped around herself. For the first time in a long time, she wasn’t sure where she stood with someone. Didi could usually read people well, but it was all guesswork with JJ, especially now. Maybe that was part of what drew her in—he wasn’t ever what she expected. Maybe that was part of why she’d hurt her own heart—JJ wasn’t ever what she expected. And maybe it was better that way.

[coloursflyaway]

A Pattern Of Errors [5/ ?]

Pairing: Dirk Gently/ Todd Brotzman

Rating: T

Words: 2.651

Dirk picks Todd up for a road trip he never planned to go on, with a red cabriolet and a bright smile and a thousand places to go. And although Todd doesn’t know what he expected, he definitely gets more than he bargained for.

Oh, and before i forget it again: Thank you very much, @lady-mephistopheles for the translations!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

He wakes up with a kiss, a soft pair of lips against his, warm breath washing over his cheeks, hair that is too long to be his tickling him. Todd scrunches up his nose, and Dirk chuckles; the lips return and place a kiss on his cheek, one on the tip of his nose. “You are aware that you have to wake up at some point, right?”, Dirk mutters and sounds amused. “I mean, I suppose you could stay in bed the whole day, or we could, but it’d be a shame when there is so much to see out there.” There are still a few layers of sleepiness that keep Todd from really being awake, and yet his brain picks up on the possibilities Dirk’s words seem to hold immediately, registers stay in bed the whole day, registers we, and finds, without much surprise, that he wants every and all implications hidden between those thoughts.

It makes opening his eyes a little easier, and he finds Dirk watching him, a happy smile on his lips and something like bliss sparking out of his eyes. He’s still not beautiful, but he doesn’t have to be, because Todd thinks, hopes, that Dirk is his. “Morning”, he mumbles, and watches a star be born behind each of Dirk’s eyes, making them shine even brighter. “Not quite sure about it being a shame to stay in bed, but here, I’m awake. I hope you’re happy now.” It seems to take a few moments for Dirk to understand what he means, but he does in the end, if the sudden pink dusting the other’s cheeks is any indication. “Well – I guess, I suppose we could do that too”, Dirk stutters out, eyes wide, the pink intensifying, and Todd has half a mind to find out how far down the other is blushing, but Dirk is right and there is so much to see outside, an impossible city in the middle of a desert waiting for them.

He leans in and kisses Dirk, ignores that neither of them has brushed their teeth yet, and instead focusses on how right it feels to do this, and yet how exciting. “Another time?”, he asks, and Dirk nods, quickly enough for Todd to know that the other is just as excited about the prospect as Todd is himself.

 They leave the hotel far later than expected, distracted by kisses and more kisses, one story Dirk most definitely has to tell, although he is only wearing one shoe and his hair is still a mess. Not that Todd minds; it’s quite adorable. And they do manage after all, Dirk looking almost radiant in his Mexican Funeral shirt and the burgundy pants that are far too tight to be considered decent. “So, what do you want to see?”, Dirk asks, excited, his hands twitching at his side, like he doesn’t know what to do with them. Todd takes the hint and one of them in his own. “I’ve heard that there is a hotel that has Venice built inside of it. Well, not actually Venice, of course, but something like it. Do you think they have fish in the canals there? I hope they do. Would fish be permitted in a casino? Would they have to wear formal wear? That would be quite a sight, wouldn’t it be?”

Dirk sounds like a kid in a candy store, excited and happy and maybe a little bit hyperactive, the hand Todd is holding jerking ever so often, like it still wants to gesture. “We can go there, sure. Even look for your tuxedo-wearing fishes, if you really want to”, Todd tells him, has the feeling that it’s just what Dirk wanted to hear. “But there’s something I want to try out with you. If you want to. Have you ever played Blackjack?”

 They walk into the next casino, not the Venetian, although Dirk is still insistent on getting to see the fish, and it seems that everything, from the plants to the gaudy chandeliers, is a source of wonder to Dirk, who flits from one thing to the next, a hummingbird, who’s unable to settle. In the past, Todd would have rolled his eyes, sighed, but it’s like that one kiss changed everything for him, just like it must have for Dirk, making him smile instead, slip his hand in Dirk’s. Not to pull him away from the woman behind the counter who Dirk is currently interviewing about the fascinating history of this establishment, but to make sure that when Dirk leaves, the other will drag him along.

 They blend in well with the masses gathered around roulette tables and one-armed bandits, Dirk with his sunny grin and Todd with the dark circles under his eyes. “You want something to drink?”, Todd asks, gestures towards the bar, although it’s still only around three in the afternoon. They’re in Vegas after all. He would like Dirk to accompany him, because nowadays he doesn’t ever want to leave the other man out of his eyes, but Dirk is looking around like he has stepped into some kind of electricity-powered heaven, and Todd doesn’t want to take this away from him. So he lets go of Dirk’s hand, says, “I’ll be right back, okay? Don’t try to get lost or anything.”

Dirk looks excited still and Todd gives him a smile before he sets out, leaves Dirk behind in favour of queuing up at the bar. Although it’s early, the scent of stale beer and overly sweet cocktails is permeating the air, something Todd is used to and reminds him that he has no idea what Dirk even likes to drink. The woman in front of him orders a dozen margaritas, the ivory-coloured veil in her hair on the verge of falling out, and because she sounds as excited and enthusiastic as Dirk does most of the time, Todd buys a beer for himself and a margarita for Dirk.

Behind the counter, the girl serving him is smiling with pink-painted lips, her hair hanging loose and in curls, framing her pretty face, and there is an edge in her smile that Todd hasn’t seen in quite some time. It’s not seductive, but definitely flirtatious, a coy look delivered through dark eyelashes, and Todd knows that a few months ago, his heart would have picked up its pace already. “So tell me, sweetie, is that cocktail for me?”, she drawls, pours the last shot of liquor into the mixer and shakes it in a somewhat suggestive manner. “Because if it is, I’m out of here in half an hour, if you wanna wait.”

She’s pretty, just his type, looks a little wild and a little sweet underneath that harder shell, but Todd thinks of a sunny smile and auburn hair, narrow shoulders, and shakes his head. “No, sorry”, he tells her; her smile hardly falters. “I’m here with someone.”

 He finds Dirk close to where he left them, an older woman next to him, both of them talking animatedly, but Dirk pausing the second he sees Todd. It’s hard to navigate around the throngs of people, especially with the cocktail glass in his hand. “…zrobi się”, he hears Dirk say, his voice sounding unlike he has ever heard it before, harsher and yet still melodious. “Jeszcze raz dzięki. Trzymaj się!”

He shakes the woman’s hand one last time before he turns to face Todd, walks two steps towards him, obviously not noticing the dumbfounded expression on his face. “Oh, Todd! That was faster than I expected, how nice! And what is that? It does look interesting.” Dirk proceeds to pick the margarita right out of Todd’s hand. “What…was that?”, Todd asks, watches Dirk sip his drink with a happy hum. “Oh, that was Agnes! I just met her, she is here with her husband and her dog. It’s a corgi, would you believe that? Anyway, she told me that we definitely should go and see that hotel, although apparently there are no fish inside the canals, neither with formal wear, nor without.”

“That is very nice of Agnes”, Todd replies, “But was that… Slovakian you were talking? Romanian?” “Polish, to be exact.” “You speak Polish?” “Amongst other things.” Dirk looks like it’s the most normal thing in the world, takes another sip, and at least Todd seems to have picked out the right cocktail. “I did tell you that I wasn’t from around here, didn’t I?” “Yes, you said you were from England.”

Dirk’s expression becomes somewhat sheepish, an unusual look on him, one that makes him look a little bit younger than he is. “Ah, well. That wasn’t a lie, not really, just not all of the truth. I am, in fact from England, but I wasn’t born there.” Dirk isn’t very intent on continuing to talk about it, that much is obvious, but Todd cannot quite let it go, not yet. The other is still a mystery he wants to solve, now more so than ever. “So you were born in Poland?”, he asks, and Dirk seems torn for a moment, then grabs Todd’s hand and turns around, dragging him into what seems like another, completely random direction. Knowing Dirk, it will probably lead them to the Blackjack tables. “No”, Dirk tells him over his shoulder, a surprisingly curt answer. “Now, come along, Todd!”

 Predictably, Dirk leads them to the Blackjack tables, looks at Todd strangely when he asks him to sit down and try, but complies. And loses the first three rounds. At first, Todd can hardly believe it, because as far as he is concerned, playing something like Blackjack should be perfect for the other, but although Dirk plays the game with just as much enthusiasm as Todd expected of him, he is also surprisingly incapable at winning.

In the end, it’s Todd who has to pull the other away, before he spends more of the coins they traded their money for on drawing more cards than any sane person would.

“Why did this not work?”, he asks Dirk while he still has his hand around Dirk’s wrist, stroking soft skin with the pad of his thumb. “Shouldn’t you be, like, a genius at this?” “At playing cards?”, Dirk asks, sounding more confused than he has any right to. “Why would I be? I have never played Blackjack before in my life.” “Well, you know. Your not-psychic thing. You guessed the cowboy I drew in that diner, so why not the cards you were going to draw?”

“Oh. Well.” There is a kind of quiet realisation hidden in Dirk’s tone, but not of the happy, excited kind Todd is used to. Instead, it sounds like he has dragged a memory Dirk wanted nothing but forget about to the front of his mind again, and it doesn’t take a hunch, a cosmic hint, for Todd to figure out he fucked this up, somehow. “That’s just… not how it works”, Dirk tells him before he can take back the question, though, speaking slowly and sounding tentative in the worst of ways.

Todd tightens his hand around the other’s wrist without quite knowing why, but it seems to work, because Dirk looks from some point just above Todd’s shoulder at him again. He still looks vaguely distraught, and Todd hates himself for causing the sun to disappear from Dirk’s gaze. “How does it work, then?”, he asks, and Dirk seems conflicted, like he either doesn’t know the answer, or doesn’t admit he does. Neither option seems very reassuring. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine too. I never understood it before either, and it didn’t seem to make much of a difference.” Todd tries to give the other as reassuring a smile as he possibly can, and while Dirk doesn’t smile back, he seems to appreciate it anyway. “It’s fine, after all – well, keeping things from you didn’t really work out so well.” He tries to smile now, a wry curl of lips that would look right on Todd, but looks terribly wrong on someone like Dirk, who should always be made of sunshine and other, happier things. “It’s-“

A moment passes, feeling worryingly long; someone bumps into Todd from behind, but he hardly notices, because Dirk looks like he is lost for words, and Todd cannot remember the last time anything like that happened. Dirk’s free hand is tugging at the hem of his shirt, and although it’s such a small thing, it’s still hard to watch. There isn’t much Todd can do, not here and now, and not in general, because he’s always been better at breaking than at fixing things, but he tries his best, lets go of Dirk’s wrist to lace their fingers together, instead, squeezing.  

“It’s different”, Dirk finally says, squeezes back and releases some of the tension building up inside of Todd with those two words alone. “No matter of life or death, you see, for no one. So, as far as the universe is concerned, there is no reason for me to know what’s on those cards. It can be…forced to reconsider, but that’s a rather uncomfortable matter. Electroshocks, mostly. Not… pleasant.”

Somehow, Dirk looks smaller, fragile almost, and although he can’t know more than a fraction of the truth, Todd’s heart plummets, shatters somewhere at the level of his feet. “Electroshocks?”, he echoes, although he isn’t certain he wants to know any more. He did know that there had to be some kind of backstory hidden behind Dirk’s bright eyes, some trauma lurking in his smiles, but when the other hadn’t wanted to talk about even after Black Wing happened, Todd had just accepted it, and never would have expected anything like this. “Among other things”, Dirk confirms with another of those terribly unfitting smiles, and the only thing that keeps Todd from throwing his arms around the other and holding him close is that he doesn’t know if it’s what Dirk wants, or just what he does.

“Look”, Dirk starts, and stops Todd’s contemplating easily. “I’ll tell you everything, if you want to, but can we do it somewhere else? Back at the hotel, maybe?” He sounds like he is pleading, and Todd regrets everything he has ever said to leave Dirk in such a state, but he nods anyway. His fingers squeeze Dirk’s hand a little bit, and Todd swallows down the words pressing against his lips from behind because he can’t be sure if they’d make Dirk feel better or worse. When Dirk smiles this time, he looks a little bit more like himself.

 The walk back to the hotel is short and yet seems to last forever; Todd doesn’t let go of Dirk’s hand for even a second, because no matter what Colonel Riggins and his goons did to the man beside him, Todd needs to make sure that Dirk knows he’s not alone anymore.  

When they arrive at their room, it looks smaller than it did before; when Dirk sinks down onto the unused bed, he looks smaller too, like another notch in the bedpost of the horrible, horrible things Todd has done. He sits down right next to the other, even if he lets go of Dirk’s hand now, instead opting down pulling his legs up onto the mattress, so he can turn to face Dirk, searching his face for any kind of clue. Dirk doesn’t meet his eyes, but continues playing with the hem of his shirt, slowly fraying it.

A second passes, then another, and Todd knows he could say something to prompt Dirk to talk, but he doesn’t want to. If they have this conversation, they will have it on Dirk’s terms and his alone.

“It was back at Black Wing”, the other says into the silence surrounding them without any warning, almost taking Todd off guard, and his voice is a fragile, broken thing, ready to splinter. Todd takes a deep breath to steel himself for what is to come. “I was eight or nine when they took me in, I can’t really remember, and it took a few weeks, but at some point, they started with their tests. They were fun, at first, mainly because I was so bored anything would have been fun, which wasn’t staring at the ceiling of my room. A doctor would hold up a card with a symbol on it, and I had to guess what it was. There were different cards, at least a dozen of them. A red heart, a green circle, a blue dolphin… that one was always my favourite.” His voice grows softer, and Todd cannot know it for certain, but is fairly sure that Dirk can see those cards in front of him, counts them once more. It’s written across his face, the memory Todd is making him relive, and although he has no experience to compare it to, Todd’s heart still aches in sympathy. “I got all of them wrong”, Dirk says, looks at him with a wry smile, his eyes looking pained, their usual spark extinguished. “Again and again, although they kept me up for hours. Of course, there was the occasional right guess, but nothing to suggest the ability they were looking for. So after weeks of the same cards again and again and again, one of those absolutely great doctors had the amazing idea that maybe they hadn’t put me under enough stress yet.”

It’s hard not to imagine in too many details what might have happened, all the terrible procedures a boy like Dirk, alone and lost, should never have had to go through.

“What kind of stress?”, Todd enquires after a few seconds of silence. He is met with more silence, then a sigh. “Different things. Jalapeños at first, the really hot ones, that make your mouth feel like you have swallowed molten lead. I had to chew them during the tests or between them. Then ice water I had to put my feet in, then little prickly needles. None of them works, so they tried something else, and something else and something else until something did bring results. Electro shocks, high enough not to maim or lead to lasting damage, but enough to make my body believe it wouldn’t necessarily survive it. Apparently that was the little push the universe needed to convince it that it should help me.” Again, a smile, one that hurts as much as the one before; Dirk is still fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“They stopped working, too”, Dirk continues in the end, and the need to hold him somehow is almost a palpable thing, a physical need in his chest. “The shocks. Then they used… different methods. I guess they decided that there was no need to make sure there were no marks left anymore.” There is more still hidden underneath the shaky pretence of calmness Dirk is wearing, and although Todd pushed him once, he doesn’t want to push again. So instead of pushing, he reaches out, grabs one of Dirk’s hands in his own, brushing thumbs across soft skin and thin bones. And Dirk looks surprised at the contact, although Todd thought they had touched enough to make it the most natural thing in the world by now.

“I don’t want you to see me like that”, Dirk says and his voice is incredibly quiet, still fragile, still ready to splinter. “As a test subject. Some freak that needs to be prodded and poked to reveal his secrets. As – as Svlad.” “What?” “Svlad”, Dirk repeats, but at least looks at him now. “That was my name. Before I became Dirk, back at Black Wing and before that. I didn’t want to keep it; it didn’t seem like me anymore. If it ever did in the first place.” “Svlad”, Todd repeats, more to try out the name than anything else, and yet Dirk all but flinches. “No, I agree. Dirk suits you far better.” He tries a smile and Dirk doesn’t quite reciprocate it, but seems to try at least; it’s not enough so Todd raises Dirk’s hand to his lips, places a kiss on the other’s knuckles.

“And I won’t”, Todd adds, because although he feels like he shouldn’t have to say it, he wants to. “See you differently. I wouldn’t know how to. Just because you’ve got some shit in the past, it doesn’t change that you’re the most ridiculous, infuriating person I’ve ever met. And the best – “ He stops, because what he wanted to say is true and yet not true anymore, something in between and yet completely different, something Todd doesn’t know he wants to say out-loud yet, if ever. “- and something more than my best friend.” It’s close enough.

 They end up close together on the bed, hardly more than a few inches between them, their fingers intertwined and their eyes locked. Dirk’s are still a red-rimmed, but he seems placated by Todd’s words at least, by his touches. “Sometimes, I cannot believe you’re still here”, Dirk confesses suddenly, and tightens his fingers around Todd’s, as if to make sure that he’s right. “After all this. But I am glad you are.” It’s hard to find the words to reply, but once he has found them, they seem easy to say and easier still to believe. “I don’t think there is anywhere I would rather be right now.”