#especially 2 of my sisters cus one is the one who is closest to me

[altruistic-meme]

why am i sad!!!!!!! where did it come from!!!!!!!!

[deeeelightfuldee]

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? he raped me, so I kinda don’t have any desire to text him

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? yes! K did one time. MAN that meant the world to me.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? yup. many times.

Who was the first person you talked to today? K. I woke up early cus I’m trying to get off my sleeping pills and I kept my shades up. When I woke up I had a long stream of messages from K pouring out his thoughts, which honestly was the most welcomed surprise. He had been SO CLOSED OFF lately and it was eating me alive, so to see that he carved out some time to put his thoughts to words, was one of the most incredible ways to wake up, especially after the ways things have been the last 6 mos. I had like an hour to just quietly be still and message back n forth. 

How many text messages are in your inbox? a lot. I keep trying to delete threads. I long to be the kind of person who has like 2 active threads and that way all the new ones are simply answered and deleted.

Will this week be a good one? that’s the goal. It’s a hard one so far, but I think my brain is just SO desperate to return to homeostasis and being happy again, that i’m just trying to grasp every shred of hope I can.

What was the last movie you watched and with who? I’m watching sleepless in seattle cus it helps put me into good dreams and I watch it alone.

Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? uhhhhhhhhhhhh.. well doing the questions tonight was really meaningful to me. The guy at mickeys remembering me was sweet. getting rid of so many car fulls of donations has been great.

What are you wearing right now? jammies.

Do you want to see somebody right now? yeah. invited him and everything

When’s the last time you cried? approximately a half hour ago

Will you regret your next kiss? i really don’t get when this question is asked. why would i? 

Are you a forgiving person? lol don’t ask K this. he might feel differently, but I think I am? I try really hard to be. 

Do you currently have feelings for anybody? i do. 

When was the last time you changed in front of someone? i HATE to do that. like it is one of my most significant insecurities.

Are you the youngest person living in your house? I am

Have you ever liked someone older than you? that’s my preference

Who did you last fall asleep with? with? uhhhhhh I’m goin to guess Dutch when he slept in my bed. but like adult wise? Justin

Would you hug the last person you hugged again? i genuinely can’t remember when I was last hugged.

Now your cell phone, what color is it? uuuuuhhh hold on lemme snap off the case. oOoOo it’s a very pretty silver I think

Who were you last in a car with? probably mom

Who did you text most today? K

Do you have a reason to smile right now? I was very lucky for so long. that’s cool

Did a boy or a girl text you last? boy

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them? hm. I don’t think so. He SO wanted a kiss and it bothered him I wasn’t into doing that. But I knew I was going to break off our dating cus he kept talking about how he thought it was OK that he held a gun to his sisters boyfriend when he pushed her. idk that didn’t sit well with me.

When was the last time something bothered you? now lol

Would you rather love one person, or have many short relationships? one

Would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you: taller

Can you be your complete self around the person you like? i can’t anymore, no. but I was able to for like what, 7ish years?

Are you wearing makeup? no

What color was the last vehicle you were in? silver

Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind? yea

When was the last time you got high? never unless I was maybe like from pain meds the doctors gave me

What’s a word that starts with the third letter of your first name? ambitious

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? oooooof. no. but I think about it every day. but hard to kiss someone who is like 700 miles away

Do you always answer your phone? not usually. I do for my brothers or my mom or gram or K or nathan. 

Does anyone ever spell your name wrong? usually people like to put 2 n’s.

Will you be up before 7AM tomorrow? I mean off and on likely yes

In the past week have you cried? only about 3457 times.

Do you get along with your parents? I get along very well with mom most of the time. I don’t talk to my dad

What was the last thing you looked up on YouTube? the song “she’s gone” by hall and oates 

Any upcoming vacations? no.

What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I like strong hands, strong posture, kind eyes, a cute smile, etc.

Do you have alcohol in your house? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa LOT. which is interesting considering we probably have collectively 5 drinks the whole year MAYBE between 3 people.

What’s the closest pink object to you? pillowcase

What makes you the happiest right now? seeing K message me.

Are you mad at someone right now? no

Are you ticklish? unfortunately. it really bothers me to be tickled.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? my nephews/niece

Would your life be the same without alcohol? yeah. I really don’t care about drinking. I could eliminate it entirely and not notice a difference.

Have you had “the best night of your life? what, like tonight? no I’d say saying goodbye to a nearly decade long friendship is not grounds for best night of my life.

What was the first thing you thought this morning? “i wonder if K is up.”

What were you doing at 2AM last night? just about to go to sleep.

The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? So its a v-neck pretty old from old navy. It was an exclusive online and they hardly had any so if anyone has kept it this long, there wouldn’t be many people.

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now, would you accept? no. zero interest in anything altering my brain.

Could you go a month without cursing? shore thing

Ever been out of your state? lol. many many many times.

Do you plan on getting drunk or high tonight? no. 

Toilet papered someones house? no.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning? morning if I have any intention of my hair looking decent. Night if I want to sleepSO good. I’d love to take two (like someone else boujee I know) but I don’t have my own shower. the shower I use is in someone else’s bathroom which is connected to their bedroom. So I feel it would be a huge inconvenience 

Have you been to New York City? no. 

Can you go a day without laughing? if you asked me this 6 mos ago I would FIRMLY say no. I am an extremely happy and upbeat person. but man these months have just altered me to my core and this isn’t who I want to be. right now, I go dayssssssss without even chuckling.

Is there anybody you wish you would be spending time with right now? yea

Are you tired? a tiny bit.

How many tattoos would you get? none.

Do you get drunk every weekend? i’ve not been drunk in a long time.

Have you held hands with someone in the past 24 hours? no

Who was the last person you high fived? a nephew of mine

How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? none

Do you know how to drive? mhmm.

Will next Friday be a good one? uhhhhhh as far as I know there’s nothing planned. so probably.��

Who was the last person to wink at you? the guy at Mickeys lol

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300418

hi im apologizing in advance to anyone who happens to read this but this is more for myself cus man i just had a huge fight with my white parents and im so frustrated that they dont understand and im so frustrated im so lonely and depressed and im so frustrated this sucks and yeah i really dont have ANYWHERE else to vent so here tumblr here u go pls u have been warned im having like an anxiety attack or smth right now so nothing will make sense anyways go away

i want to die. and i also wanna murder every single white person i see. for real i just really fucking hate white people. they literally destroy everything and i cant do this anymore. I CANT STAND BEING ISOLATED. my traumatic mental issues are preventing me from getting any friends (especially poc friends) so all i have is my stupid fucking white family and they just make me feel even worse. also my social anxiety prevents me from seeking help too because apparently you have to call these stupid psychologists and you cant just mail or text them or let a parent call them for you and calling people i dont know and talk to people i dont know is like a part of the problem i need help with?? like WHO WAS RHAT FUKING IDIOT WHO CANE UP WITH THE IDEA ”oh lets force our clients to call us in order to get help” LIKE DONT U FKN UNDERSTAND SOME OF US CANT. also most of the psychologist are probably white anyways and i really can’t handle whites anymore at all. just the thought of it makes me wanna puke. a part of me doesnt even wanna talk to a non-adoptee??? but that’s not very realistic. all i want is at least a NON-WHITE psychologist and where the fuck do i find that

i can’t talk to anyone. i don’t have a safe space anywhere except for online among other asians who hate whites. i feel like a prisoner in my own home. BITCH I CANT BREATHE 😭😭 I CANT REST 😭 WHITES ARE EVERYWJERE AND I LITERALLY HAVE TO LEEP MY MOUTH SHIT AND BOTTLE EVERYTJING UP UNTIL I EXPLODE LIKE THIS AND WANT TO DIE 😭😭 hate my white family so much i want to cut them off from my life forever. but thanks to my stupid abandonment issues and generally just mental illness and unhealthy perception of relationships i’m too scared to cut them off. i’m not strong enough to be on my own. i’m not capable of making friends. look at me im fucked up. i dont have any friends anymore cus i always manage to fuck things up and now im to tired and anxious to even try.

i also cant speak my mother tongue bc my stupid white parents let me grow up with only other whites and no exposure of my original culture or anything so THANKS TO THAT i’ll never get accepted in asia. i wont even get accepted by ”ordinary” asian immigrants or the asians born here cus at least they have their parenrs and relatives and part of the culture while i have…….. nothing. also i live in fucking sweden and even though we gor 20% poc here they’re literally nowhere to be seen cus my city is SEGREGATED AF and my awkward ass dont know how to approach other poc without being like ”HEY YO LETS BE FRIENDS ILY DONT LEAVE"

i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my situation, i hate white people. i hate everyone. i don’t see any hope. i don’t see a positive future. and even if i did, id only see the negative shit that would happen after bc man life always disappoint me. and that shit would definitely be the death of me cus i woudnt be able to take anymore disappointments. the only thing im holding onto right now is that i’m too lazy, to tired and too scared to hurt myself.

also bc i REALLY wanna go and see bts lmaooo i didnt even know this was so important??? its not necessarily bc of them i mean i havent been into kpop for very long but then i found myself feeling this INTENSE ANXIETY THAT I NEED TO SEE THEM. it feels like its now or never. its my only chance. it feels like im gonna DIE IF IM NOT SEEING THEM. not only to see THEM but to see ASIANS. like im desperate bitches it sounds so fetishizing but for real i need POSITIVE ASIAN REPRESENTATION AND YOU COULD BASICALLY SAY BTS AND KPOP HAS SAVED MY LIFE BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT IT SOUNDS SO CHEESY BUT THEY REALLY HAVE!! not obly cus they’re asian but also cus theyre friends and i dont jave any friends so all i do is watching their friendship and dream about smth ill never have

but hey i probably wont get any tickets and tbh i can already feel that thats gonna make me depressed af. especially when all these ugly rich white koreaboos will be seeing them and im here all alone, feeling like the only ones i can turn to is a fucking kpop group. how fucking sad isn’t that. i’m not even korean, but it’s like they’re the closest i can get. whites be taking iver everything. i grew up in a fkn white family i know jow they think. they dont. my family isnt even ”racist” theyre racist cus theyre white u get me. like they dont undersyand the hidden racism by calling it an ordinary asian store ”china store” its so normal to them. all my life ive wanted to be a whitey AND NOW WHEN I FINALLY FOUND KPOP THEY WANNA STEAL THAT SHIT TOO OMG IM GOING NUTS

like racists always tell me to go back to my country BUT I NEVER FKN CHOSE TO BE HERE MY PARENTS LITERALLY BOUGHT ME THEY EVEN GOT 80K FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION FROM OUR GOVERNMENT SO THEY COULD AFFORD MY ADOPTION BUT OUR GIVERNMENT CANT EVEN HELP ME WITH A TINY RE-VISIT TO THE FUCKING PLACE I WAS BORN AND THE ORPHANAGE I SPEND MY 2 FIRST YEARS IN??? like ffs i have to deal with racism 24/7 but give me some fkn money and i’ll be off in a week fuck YOU. at the same time all these nasty white rich hoes can travel across asia like 55 times a year just to exploit our culture and treat my people like SHIT AND NOT ONLY TJAY!! not only cant i go back to my country while whites can…. I CANT EVEN FUCKING SEE THIS ONE SINGLE KPOP GROUP I LIKE WITHOUT THESE FUCKTARD CUNTS NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR COLONIALIST GENES AND STAY IN THEIR FKN LANE

ANYWAYS also also my white brothers make fun of bts and kpop cus they think its just “another stupid boyband” like 1D or smth because their stupid white ass cant comprehend they have 2 asian sisters and that one of them maybe miss her fucking race and hate her life so fucking much that the only thing she’s doing right now is to watch anime and kpop 24/7 bc that’s the only thing she can escape to

ugh i always hate ranting like this cus when i’ve revovered i will cringe so much and i will regret everything i’ve said and i will act fine and i just wanna forget that this ever happened and euw. i just REALLY hate white people and seeing bts would honestly make me so happy. i have a goal of travelling back to china when i have the money but its so far away, im broke, and my parents would rather spend the money on greece for the 6th time than visiting the place i was born SO WHEN I SAID SEEING BTS WOULD GIVE ME ENOUGH DOPAMIN TO SURVIVE ANOTHER YEAR I WASNT FUCKING LYING I NEED SMTH TO HOLD ONTO!! I NEED ASIANS IN MY LIFE GOD DAMN IT

and i HATE that white people take it so personally like my dad is so fkn stupid he must think being schizo cus really cant understand the difference between individuals and groups so when i be lile ”i hate u” and ”ily” he’s like ???? 😭😭😭 god i dont even know if i love em anymore tbh, theyre THAT fkn dumb and then i dont even wanna IMAGINE other adoptive parentS OMG like no wonder so many adoptees grow up with HUGE internalized racism issues smhhh thats sad af cus they be turning their back on their poc cousins just to fit in and be loved by their parents 😭😭😭 rip