#esp when im trying to ‘analyse’ the buried

[desolate-flame]

never not thinking about this quote from daisy in entombed something something the buried representing repression and being trapped vs it giving daisy the clarity she needed idk …

[peristeron]

so y’all its time for the rare “maybe i need to re-examine my dæmon form" time with mala, thoughts under the cut

right, so. for those not in the know, who happen to decided to poke into this out of curiousity — i use the dæmon forum’s methods, which are basically taking the whole thing as a personality typing dealio, for self-reflection and shit. for the past several years i’ve been solidly settled as a tawny frogmouth, and before that, before the shift in analysis style i was a palm cockatoo

BUT recently i’ve been noticing some thought patterns i think i’ve pretty much always had but never entirely paid much attention to or noticed, namely some stuff relating to being image-oriented, particularly when i’m actually dealing with conflicts and not running the fuck away or otherwise avoiding the shit out of them. this isn’t something i ever considered about myself because generally i hate the spotlight and am so conflict-avoidant that the competitiveness that almost always goes along with being image-oriented doesn’t fit me At All

however

i’ve been noticing as a pattern through the past few months just how much i am Deeply Concerned with how things will Look, even when i feel generally past the point of going through the motions/playing the social game/doing my usual sugarcoating that is a lot more purposeful and careful than it probably seems. i Care about how i’m going to look to a theoretical Audience, to the point that it will utterly stress me out in some environments to the point of turning into a slug (see: dreamwidth). i want to make sure my shit is water-tight, i want to make sure that i come out looking Good. which, given internet culture (and especially dreamwidth and tumblr cultures), makes sense, especially for someone whose brain spends 75% of its activity centered on Avoiding Stress/Conflict/Unpleasant Things. if facing something Unpleasant and actively getting involved, it makes sense to not want things to get More Unpleasant due to one’s own phrasing or actions, etc.

anyway

one of my biggest problems with form finding, right, is that my cognitive functions are INFJ and my enneagram is 6w7. that isn’t a combination that’s very common and, from what i can tell, is viewed as kind of weird. i’ve re-examined both of these things (bc i try to avoid quizzes with personality typings and instead try and figure out how the systems work to pick The Most Accurate One, bc im that nerd), and i’m pretty heckin solid on it. but because its an uncommon and weird combo, it can make form finding difficult — bc finding an analysis that has the right combination of weird INFJ/6w7 traits is ............ yeah

NOW FINALLY ON TO THE GOOD SHIT

so i’m poking around on the spreadsheet, bc i know it isnt infallible but its a handy resource to get started with, and i keep pulling up things that are absolute duds. and then im like, “coyote, sure, lets just fuckin look” bc its listed as infj and 6. the analysis linked to that needs some editing, but doesn’t seem egregiously wrong and ... weirdly ... fits more than i expected. so out of curiousity, i popped over to the other two coyote analyses, both of which were written by forum analysis experts

and i stare. because this is............ hmm. it isnt a Perfect Fit, at least i dont think so, but its............... its more on point than i really expected. wtf. the other analysis doesn’t fit nearly as well, which i wonder how much of that is really down to differing interpretations or if it’s because of............. something else idk, but ironically that’s the one that has infj listed in the coyote’s possible mbti. this one doesn’t, but is more accurate to me. /scratches head

this is just So Weird to me bc i’d largely like. not........... considered a canine for myself before, not seriously, not since i got started and went through the “Maybe I’m A Wolf” phase. i’ve been birds for the longest time. but the birds that worked for me before (tawny frogmouth, mourning dove, though that second one fit a lot less closely) are distinctly missing the image-oriented stuff. and the bird analyses i know that definitely do center on it too much. so looking outside of birds, let alone finding one that fits as well as that coyote analysis, is just.................. Weird. it feels so Weird

it even nails something that, like. i never looked too closely in regards to myself bc i didnt like it:

¤ Possessive (revisited) Only some coyotes are territorial year round, but all are territorial during breeding season. Although there's not a lot of information out there on the subject, it appears that coyotes are territorial of the core 10% of their territory year round (usually where the den is located). How aggressively a coyote defends its territory will depend on available resources. In times of plenty, they're more lax; when food is scarce, they're less welcoming. Similarly, coyote people are not Possessive with a capital P, but they are possessive of things they see as uncommon or unique to them. The more obscure the interest or thing, the more possessive they are. Finding someone who shares these interests makes them feel like their individuality is being threatened. In contrast, when something is really popular or common, they don't expect it to be "their" thing and aren't upset by others embracing it. Basically, you could call them conditionally possessive.

SWEATS..................... LOUDLY. i. yeah. this is a kneejerk reaction i have. its not as uniform/regular/predictable as that, and i really need to pay more attention to that feeling and analyze it more when it happens, but i uh. sometimes........... i......... yeah

like. typically, i am not a jealous person. 97% of the time, i dont get jealous about my relationships, to the point that polyamory is a very real possibility for me and has been a thing for me in the past. but occasionally. occasionally. i’ll get... possessive a bit. and a bit jealous, wanting to helicopter and wanting to demand All The Person’s Time, No, Play With Meeeeeeee. i dont let myself do this, ever, because i know its Bad and it feels extremely uncomfortable to feel it to begin with. and there are some things i’ll get weirdly possessive about, usually more along the route of ideas kinda thing. i get the whole insecurity about “if this other person does the thing, then everyone’s going to like them more than me, and no one will like me any more because that person is better than me.” which is bullshit but i haven’t figured out how to bury it yet

squints off............... also i wanna talk about this:

¤ Competitive  ... Coyote people are competitive by nature. They want to succeed and have trouble enjoying themselves if they're losing or struggling. This might cause them to drop activities they find difficult while focusing on what they're good at. They have a habit of comparing their achievements to their peers', which can lead to motivation or jealousy. They want to be the best in their field (or at least feel comfortable with their status), and they'll do what they can to stay there.

again, like i said earlier — being competitive isn’t something i typically consider a trait i have. i dont like conflict, competition feels way too much like conflict to me, i dont like negative attention, etc. ..................... but. b u t. the way this is phrased here? the bolded shit? which is pretty much the entire thing? y...eah. this hits it right on the fuckin head for me. i avoid competition because i hate losing and dont trust my reactions when im not doing well in a competition situation. i avoid things i’m bad at for the same reason (and bc feeling like a failure, bad thought spirals, perfectionism (which is also a trait in this analysis), etc). and, here’s the kicker, even if i’m not participating in something competitive at all, i’m still constantly comparing myself to other people, esp other people who are doing similar things to me (such as, say, role-playing courier six, the most open-ended player character in the bethesda fallouts and thus why am i comparing my OC to other OCs that’s fucking stupid). i may not feel like i want to be The Best One (is that bc i have no ambition/drive, which is a thing, or is it bc i have a huge amount of self-worth problems and therefore can’t imagine myself as being The Best and besides i wouldn’t want that pressure to be and stay The Best) — but i want to feel comfortable and safe in a status of being One Of The Better Ones, or even just One Of The Good Ones. and i want to maintain that status because i hate change (even if i can deal with it after some adjusting)

again — all of this is shit i’ve never wanted to really look too closely at or even admit too much, but it’s been there for a very long time, so its not like i’m magically developing this. its just............. that i’ve ignored it. and now im starting to be more honest with myself about it and its raising a lot of questions

anyway i may not be a goofy af looking bird guys i may be a clumsy, goofy coyote. ???????????????????????????????????