#esp i love smoker dream in it
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i love dustxdream <multishipper things but also it makes me laugh a lil every time i see it randomly bcs i have a dust au that gets very much fucking stabbed by dream-
#they r not friends there :(#dust x dream slays tho#esp i love smoker dream in it#i ship everyone at least one i think#dust sans#dream sans#dust x dream#rambles
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Eyes of a Stranger...
Especially in the workplace or on television you will soon notice that when discussing something important, Kenyan people like to make verbal lists.
These verbal lists occur in response to a question, for instance, during a conference, a quick meeting at work, a brainstorm, or in the case of television, a debate. Queue the spotlight to be turned, colleagues to shuffle their phones and throats to be cleared, this is that persons big moment.
So, the person will start off their answer with a completely irrelevant and tedious introduction stating their full name...“My given names are….” date of employment... “I’ve been working for....” their full day to day job description and duties... “What I do is....” and the obligatory reference to God “We give thanks to God for…..”
Once the insignificance is over, the person will then move onto answering the actual question. This will involve repeating the question and then answering in a listed style, e.g “The reason we have so much Poverty in Kenya is because…Number 1….” and thus begins the persons answer, an answer that will go on and on and on and on and on and on zzzzzzzzzz.
This initial answer will cover everything the person has ever known about anything loosely connected to the question. The person will continue to waffle so much they will lose track of the question and also forget that they set about answering the question with a numbered list. It is extremely rare the audience will ever get to hear point number 2.
If ever they do get to point “number 2….” I guarantee the next words they will say are “oh, hang on, I forgot to mention….” and we’re back to point number fucking one again…which will go on and on again until they start to bore themselves, at which point the answer will be wrapped up with an assured “so that’s all I have to say about that…thank you” cue enthusiastic applause and the fact that, in other parts of the world 30 minutes was spent doing something actually valuable. I dread to imagine if the person had the content to fill 5 points, I can only recommend blocking out 2 days for the meeting.
Of course, It’s possible to assume “Number 1” is the Number 1 and most important point and that the rest of the list is considered irrelevant. Another option, and this is the theory I find most likely, is that they heard somebody else say “number 1” and thought they’d copy.
Personally, I find there’s very little to copy in Nairobi. As you drive around the City, there’s very little to be inspired by. Don’t get me wrong, Nairobi is a vibrant and fascinating place to live, but the appeal doesn’t stem from architecture, design, originality or even surprisingly, a rich cultural identity. There’s very little of interest in Nairobi, compared to millions of other far less important places in the world. There are no beautiful bridges spanning a river, there isn’t a beautifully manicured park, there isn’t an area of outstanding design. Obviously the most beautiful sources of design and architecture all originate from nature. The people, the trees, the mountains, the flowers, the birds, the animals etc etc. Essentially very little man-made wonders exist, in fact I’d say none, which is sad considering the how long the city has existed for and in comparison to many other cities and towns around the world.
Sure, there are tons of ideas out there, but unfortunately Kenyan Governments have never sought to change societies outlook on such simple pleasures. I imagine any creative idea falls down flat at the corruption hurdle.
In terms of identity, all of the other major Kenyan Towns and Cities all look the same. Nakuru, Naivasha, Eldoret, Kisumu, Kisii, Machakos, Wote, Nanyuki, Meru etc are all almost identical. Sure, the countryside and people have big variety, but the places themselves, on the whole, look exactly the same. Mombasa does look different in design, as it draws deeply from the Muslim culture, but the city itself is a huge disappointment and such a letdown for the huge potential it has.
So, with very little to see it’s hardly surprising that the average Kenyan loves to stare at other people.
When I walk around, I look at the nature, the sky and of course mainly where I’m going, but when I do look around, what I see, is people staring at me.
As we move into the year of vision, 2020, the average Kenyan still loves to stare at white people, or maybe it’s just me.
I know to Kenyans, all Crackers look and sound the same…I think the worst comparison for me has been Wayne Rooney, but in all honesty, we’re not too far removed if you’ve drank 8 pints of Gin and have been dreaming of launderettes.
I do get stared at a lot though, really...certainly enough to get angry about it, definitely enough to have the nuclear option of “fuck you looking at?” in my locker. I really have to work hard at keeping that option for extreme measures only and I do keep it just for emergencies by understanding most Kenyans stare out of pure interest, curiosity, and in most cases, affection.
I have written before here that I enjoy to jog. This makes me an easy target for “starers”, pure game. How it plays out is like this; I’ll be running toward a group of people, they’ll be chatting away happily, but then as I come closer into their space, their chatting descends into complete silence and their stares begin. Then, only once I’ve passed, will their volume return to original levels and is often accompanied by great laughter and whoops of joy, and all because I ran past them.
I also enjoy walking in Nairobi, and when confronted with a “starer” the scene usually plays out in a similar direction, but with with more pathological pleasure for the “starer”
The “starer” will click their first “Initial Stare”, on average, the “Initial Stare” consumes around 4 seconds of me and I’m aware of it through my peripheral sight, ESP and darting snapshots back and forth of them. I ignore the “Initial Stare”
Then, the “Secondary Stare” takes focus. This stare is longer and extracts more of me, it can last anything up to 6 seconds, or at least until I break it by looking back into their eyes, thus causing an eye seizure in the “starer”. Moving on from the “Secondary Stare”, we now develop into eye to eye warfare as we walk closer toward each other.
These can be quick, sharp retaliatory stares fired between as we cross each other’s pass, but this depends how interested the “starer” is.
Then, as soon as we’ve passed, without warning, in comes the “After Stare”.
The “After Stare” is for pure greed and sycophantic lust.
I now glance back, and this is when I start to defend myself by increasing my stare onto them, I call this the “Angry Goose Stare”.
Now, and for the very first time, the “starer” has something to genuinely stare at, however they are also properly confused and intimidated by the situation, “Why is this freaky looking white man staring at me…and why is he looking like an angry Goose?”
My retaliatory “Angry Goose Stare” works immediately and they cease their stare. However now, they’re thinking “Eh, what’s this silly Muzungu doing?”. So, they come back for more in the shape of the “Befuddled Stare”.
The only way to disarm this confrontation and to stop myself going nuclear by shouting “fuck you looking at?” is to wind my head in, turn my frown upside down and smile like a Thai Tourist and say “Hiiiiiyer….yer alright duck?” in my friendliest Leicestershire accent. Immediately the “starer” is faced with a warm, welcoming, if a little disturbing, Muzungu and they then revert to their default setting of ‘Lovely Kenyan person’. I’m not sure if my methods are a solution to stopping staring, but it is certainly entertaining and provides a bit of light relief to the dull intensity of the surroundings.
In Nairobi, particularly in the CBD, smoking cigarettes is banned. If you want to spark up, the safest place to not get arrested is to smoke in one of the “Smoking Shacks”. I say, shack, because that’s the best way to describe them. The shack is a basic structure, I’d say the design was heavily influenced by the Vietnamese Torture Cages, perhaps the contractor saw ‘Rambo’ and thought what a great theme that would be for Nairobi’s smokers. I’ve never smoked in one and never would, they do have a great effect on stopping.
With this in mind, I feel the Government of Kenya should introduce “Staring Shacks”
These shacks would then become the focal point in Nairobi for unashamed “starers” to gather and practice their hobby with other like-minded individuals in a safe and designated area.
“Nairobi Starers” woud become the Facebook Group which would list where “Staring Shacks” could be found and where special meetings or events are happening. Perhaps there could be special meetings i.e “Muzungu Monday” “Wahindi Wednesday” “Freaky Friday” anything really, all fetishes would be welcomed.
I feel the shacks would add a new dimension to the staring scene and allow the hobby to become a little more like Train-spotting. It would instantly create a new culture within Nairobi and instead of “Culture Walks”, I’d suggest “Staring Walks”. Enthusiasts could walk from shack to shack and be with like-minded people in a non-judgemental environment, safe staring for the modern Nairobian.
EXT – ‘STARING SHACK’ 10 AM
WOMAN ENTERS “STARING SHACK” AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER FRIEND.
Agnes - Sasa.
Brenda - Poa.
Agnes - Seen anything good yet?
Brenda - Nah…pretty quiet so far.
Agnes - I stared at a Muzungu on the way here.
Brenda- Oh yeah?
Agnes - Yeah, fairly standard really.
Brenda - Was there any odd face?
Agnes - Odd face? No, why?
Brenda - Nothing really, just the last Muzungu I stared at, looked like an angry Goose.
Agnes - Wow, sounds strange…get a photo?
Brenda - No…he smiled in the end, he was ok.
Agnes I did have a good stare at a Kenyan man pushing a baby buggy.
Brenda - No way….??
Agnes - Straight up!
Brenda - Where?
Agnes - Lavington.
Brenda - Obviously, bloody show off. Get a picture?
Agnes - Yeah, did actually, let me find it – SHOWS PHOTOGRAPH
Brenda - Oh yeah….that’s nice…good one.
Agnes - Yeah, I’ll upload it to the Facebook group.
Brenda - Did you see the photo I uploaded of the Indian Man and the Kenyan Lady?
Agnes - What? I must have missed that, when was that?
Brenda - About two weeks ago. I was in town and I was walking around the corner of Biashara Street and Moi Avenue, know where I mean?
Agnes - No
Brenda - Anyway, as I came around the corner I spotted them, large as life…. holding hands they were as well
Agnes - What?
Brenda - Totally…so I crossed over so I could, you know, get a few proper stares in like.
Agnes - Amazing.
Brenda - Then I carried on walking towards them…standard stare procedure really…so I pretended to be on my phone and that’s when I got this…SHOWS PHOTOGRAPH
Agnes - Wooooah, Indian Man and a Kenyan women, insane…during the day as well…that is rare.
Brenda - Yeah well happy with that photo.
Agnes - So what happened then?
Brenda - Well, they walked past, so I went in for the ‘after-stare’…You know… standard.
Agnes - nice.
Brenda - Yeah it was until the Indian man looks back around at me and says “Fuck you looking at?”
Agnes - No way
Brenda - Way.
Agnes What did you say?
Brenda - Nothing, I just carried on walking like nothing had happened.
THE END
Something for the illustrious Kenyan Nation to stare at and be genuinely proud about is long overdue.
And to be picky, I’m very sorry but, a long and wide ass road built by a foreign country, a Kenyan in Running Shoes or a Train track devastating wildlife doesn’t count. I’m talking about a safe and entertaining City Centre, a rejuvenated recreational Uhuru Park, a state of the Art Museum / Gallery that type of thing. Something original, uniquely Kenyan and not copied. Ah ok, sounds like my “Staring Shacks” will be up and running before any of that happens.
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