#esp as someone who has an ED/is recovering from an ED. like!!! idk!! its just so important to me to love the human body like this!!!

[dandyshucks-moving]

here, a doodle of my vision ,,,, people could have all this but they're TOO AFRAID,,,

(pose based on a pose ref by mellon_soup on pinterest and patreon!)

part of me wants to draw a guzma with body fat every time i see fanart of him with abs but I'd have to draw SO many to keep up with that... why are people so afraid of body fat and stomachs 😔

[disparais]

that piece cannot be moved

(aka my nightmarish week back "home”)

24 September:

i want to scream but i can’t because i’m not even the screaming type. how sad is that.

i distinctly recall blowing off a little steam at kt re my mom last night. can’t even recall what it was about now because i keep procrastinating writing this post in its entirety (please don’t blame me both neo and msl are having events hurhur and texting friends is infinitely more appealing than dealing with my crappy life). probably something about how she’s been even more of a control freak than she usually is this past week because she’s out of her mind with stress about my brother’s promos. (he is in really bad shape though he’s all set to fail math so i think i might have to stage an intervention tomorrow.)

today i was stunned when she verbalized the possibility that she had an anxiety/control issue in the car. she foreshadowed this topic on the way out, checking the stove a whole bunch of times (which is highly uncharacteristic of her) and wryly noting how similar her behaviour was to that of OCD patients she’d met. but the true shock came when in the backseat, she casually mentioned that it was probably a manifestation of her anxiety, and admitted that my brother’s prelims are making her antsy as heck (no shit, sherlock).

kt was so positive and encouraging about it. i hope things get better.

(later that day)

today i was incensed. i got back (from a strange dinner date with m s f - this was really uncomfortable, yet familiar. idk i am bothered by this too but more on this in a separate post) and g was telling me about how worried she was about lunch with cl/her emotional reaction/how ready she felt for a confrontation. i was texting g about that, when mom appears and is all like “why aren’t you (doing what you’re supposed to do)” rn.

i can’t calmly narrate this part so i’m just going to script-ify it, bless my auditory memory:

me: f is having some issues so i’m talking her through them (i’m so sorry f if you ever see this - i have to lie about which friends i’m talking to sometimes because dear ol’ judgmental mom has an issue with humans having human issues & she already sees g as a burden)

mom: why are your friends so emo? people will always have problems; no one’s going to remember this conversation in a while anyway

me (indignant): i care that i’m there for them when they need me, and i will remember this conversation, and i’m sure they care that i was there when they needed me. i’d rather be there for my friends than graduate with a fucking mbbs anyway

mom: your friends won’t be friends with you in future if you don’t have an mbbs

me: how dare you presume what my friends will be like??? sure some might change but right now not one of them is like that and i’m sorry you feel this way about friendships ?!?!

mom (with calm certainty): it’s difficult to be friends with someone not from your socioeconomic class. like imagine visiting their big house in bukit timah [and there being this awkwardness because they both know you’re not as well-off]

i was so ANGRY i could feel it in my extremities and all my blood just rushed to my head. it is vital that i get this conversation down on paper because i need to remember that every time i second-guess myself and 心软, i need to force myself to remember that i’m not dealing with someone who cares about my feelings (or, perhaps, anyone’s feelings).

don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me (in her own warped way). it’s just that she doesn’t respect me as an individual, doesn’t give a flying fuck about my feelings/dreams/me as a person in general, and doesn’t want to admit she’s flawed in any way. (which is why i’m never going to get a sincere apology + repentance from her, and why every time something goes wrong it’s everyone’s fault but her own - tbh this is everyone in the household other than me and rarely my dad UGH what is it with people and their inability to admit/take responsibility for their wrongdoings?)

26 September:

apparently, to this family, i am little more than an investment.

first she had to come argue with me in the damn shower. and then she had to drop bombs like those and now she expects quick healing. goodness. chernobyl is still a wasteland. it’s not as simple as downing a parlyz heal. even appendix cancer surgery pales in comparison. how do we recover from things like these?

we don’t, that’s how.

while sobbing my eyes out in the shower (if i can’t cry silently shit is pretty damn real because i can’t remember the last time i couldn’t suppress my sobs), i can admit that the following possibilities crossed my mind, some with a greater degree of seriousness of intent than others:

applying for a gap semester

transferring to fass and doing my dream job already ahh i got a taste of it again when editing s’ reflection and he said “your writing is damn imba” + “it’s like driving a toyota to servicing and getting a merc[edes] in return” hehe i was deeply pleased. this is something i excel at that effortlessly that i actually enjoy. why God why

离家出走, which brought me to...

...staying in capt permanently (i immediately ruled this out because i bet that woman would show up and bang my doors down since who lets investments run away? that’d make me a ponzi scheme)

legal emancipation (i wondered if i would get access to the admittedly-not-a-lot-of-money in the bank registered under my name), which brought me to...

...半工半读 and/or applying for scholarships/bursaries (a good idea esp when coupled with legal emancipation, methinks)

finality (but no i’ve considered this way too many times and whenever i do the math it’s never going to be worth it. first and foremost there’s the eternal wrath of my Creator to deal with. and i do not live for my family - my life is not theirs to 左右; there are so many beautiful things i live for like close friends and classical music and serendipitous moments and i know there is more ahead for me. my life is a symphony and i have barely finished my first sonata.)

27 September:

for the second time in my life, i caught myself doing the continent thing.

i chose to rant to f, who did tell me what i needed to hear, which was reassuring coming from her since i’m real stressed about us drifting apart. it seems as though s is her primary confidante these days and i’m not benchmarking, i’m really not (i haven’t figured out why since f means so much to me) - it’s just made me wonder if my importance has diminished. f knew to reassure me in terms of how desirable my time/company was (smart) because of how happy i made her (smarter). i think the misstep was telling me that everything would be fine again with family, and pulling out the ohana quote - i have no room in my life for emptily encouraging bs. but i reiterate, i drew much strength from the personal bit. and for that i am deeply grateful.

i’m vaguely sorry for pretending i was fine, but kt already has so much on her plate and i’ve already stretched her bandwidth on monday night so i felt like showing my brokenness to her wouldn’t be the best thing for her.

my gratitude knows no bounds. she effortlessly pulled me out of my (i am lost for words because “bad mood” doesn’t even begin to cut it).

because i was grappling with feelings of unworthiness/commodification, i really just needed to know that i was loved as simply myself, and no one else. not the doctor-to-be, not the daughter, not the comm member, not even the spiritual sister. just me. and she made me feel like i was enough. my mood lifted within like 5-10 minutes of talking to her, and mentioning 凤凰传奇’s most ridiculous songs (completely random on my end) sparked one of our most hilarious conversations to date.

i’m just so much lighter and happier, knowing that someone values me of their own volition.