#erm dats really it lol

[churbo]

considering i draw fugo so much and have so many little hcs about his appearance i went ahead and drew a baby ref for him ft. his anime colors that i will most likely Never Use but theyre there in case. I somehow do my ramblings about his appearance are underneath the thingy ^_^;

Firstly to start off I kept his skin the same cause... yeah... it's redder to fit in w/ his manga colors cause that's what I prefer (even if I am anime-only atm for p5) but anyways not the point.

With his skin, there are a few things I did. First, I gave him subtle freckles and dark circles underneath his eyes, darkening/making them bigger post PHF cause you know he does Not Sleep Well after GW, though I don't think he honestly did even before. Freckles are just bc I felt like it cause I think they're cute. Scar wise, there's not too much as a majority of the scars on him with the exception of a few will be randomized essentially. One of the nonrandomized ones is obviously his face scar after PHF due to him biting the capsule. I personally like to think when he did this, he had it in the left side of his mouth so there are more scars on that side (also helps balance out his hair but that's another thing) It flakes out a bit and continues on his cheeks but's that really it. There is a rounded scar right around his jaw (it's on both sides) where Giorno had to do some... ah, let's say "reattachment" for Fugo afterward. The scarring continues down his neck where the virus started to eat at his throat and such and it's on both sides as well. Finally, there's the scar on his lower right abdomen. That's from the knife that got he stabbed with during Angelina's attack and just... essentially kept there. All the other scars are Pre PHF, the scars post-PHF he intentionally kept (for what reason I'm not entirely sure but my go-to is usually to remind him of what he went through and to sort of ground him) Onto his hair, I gave him two different styles; Pre PHF and Post PHF. Pre PHF follows his more canon hairstyle, dividing into 3 parts. I don't like how they look stiff so I made them look much softer (though I sorta do that to everyone like Abbacchio for example) in both versions. Pre PHF is just... yeah sorta that there isn't much to explain honestly. Post PHF though his hair is more grown out and longer- instead of reaching just above his shoulders it now reaches just below them. His bangs are now also side-swept to fit more of the PHF style and because I saw this wonderful Fugo fanart and got obsessed with it and it actually gave me a good way to stylize Fugo's hair to make him easier to draw for me at the time. Colors are colors, though I did just sorta free hand the anime colors cause I was lazy so his hair is a pit too pale and his suit is the wrong color but I honestly don't really mind; i sorta like the paler hair anyways LOL might work around that and fit the suit to match it better so we'll see... Everything else is just sorta basic stuff so I'll leave it at that !! I plan to do everyone in the bucci gang at some point, Fugo just happened to be the first cause I draw him so much and wanted an easy ref for myself lol. If you read all this uhmmm thank chew!!! Here's a little prize of what Im working on rn that should be done soon :3 If I missed anything in his ref to talk abt here I'll add it later or smth idk

[nothingneverforever]

Never Have I Ever (2020)

Hey, I think this is my first TV series ‘review’ ever! Well I did do a basically empty post on Unforgotten (season 1) back in Feb 2017, promising to write properly my full feelings down, but that was something I never got back to. It’s still one of the best TV shows ever in the whole world, so hopefully I have time for it some day.

Anyway, meanwhile Never Have I Ever (NHIE), is… absolutely not good. At all….

I’d decided to watch it after seeing Mindy Kaling’s Late Night (2019), which was surprisingly enjoyable and moving even, and not just because Emma Thomson is one of my favourite celebrities in this world. It was a fun movie, and it felt different (from other similar films) ! I say it was surprising because I guess due to misogyny or something, I never thought I had reason to take Mindy Kaling seriously. And I am so sorry for it! There were parts of the script (Late Night) that worked out so, so well.

Back to NHIE! First, here are some synopses I’ve found online of the series:

-        The complicated life of a modern-day first generation Indian American teenage girl, inspired by Mindy Kaling's own childhood.

-        After a traumatic year, an Indian-American teen just wants to spruce up her social status - but friends, family and feelings won't make it easy on her

-        Episode 1: After recent trauma, Devi starts her first day as a high school sophomore determined to shake off old labels and finally become cool.

So I guess my first complaint about NHIE is a bone I could pick with just about any American production from the last, idk, 8 years. You know how when (for whatever reason) every single character is ‘awkward�� or ‘weird’ or sooo idiosyncratic in general, they just end up all being… almost exactly the same? Where all the over-used tropes, every character’s too-loud too-colourful unique defining traits just end up reading the same way, to me at least.  

Need all characters be so strong, really? Strong as in, overly sapid, full-bodied, clearly defined, distinct in a way that actually isn’t unique at all… I mean I’m not asking for more Jack Maliks (from Yesterday, as reviewed here by me) cos fuk dat guy omfg hate him and his dull ass lol but … do you know what I mean? When every character has traits that are so instantly recognizable, so clear to the plain eye without need for any nuanced observation or interpretation that you can almost like .. see the literal line of text in Courier font for the character description in the screenplay flashing before your eyes? Like of course as viewers we do want to feel like we have some grasp of the characters we’re investing in and relating to but I think if traits and personalities and mannerisms are so simplistic (even if they are diverse) that the characters themselves can ve perfectly summed up in a nutshell then that’s not a good thing at all.. I don’t know, it just seems a very American thing that I’m tired of, where there’s just a complete dearth of authenticity and complexity. Because no one in real life is ever sooooo distinctly themselves 100% of the time you know? Sure, I haven’t seen something specifically catered for teens in a while so maybe it’s just genre-specific thing but I do think there was so much more room for more realistic characters here.

Okay but still, 90% of all comments I have trawled through (facebook, Instagram, youtube) seem to be from American teens, talking about how relatable the show is so I guess high school teachers really be out there acting like caricatures of their TV trope selves and friends are all awkward af among each other and quirky at home and quirky on the streets walking home and quirky in the corridors of their school and exaggerate every reaction in every ordinary situation. But here’s the thing, I don’t think people are actually this way. I think many of them pretend that they are, act like they are. I think here lies the danger: where the more media we have portraying this kind of intensely saturated characters and personalities, the more young people will think that to be ‘themselves’, they have to raise the decibels of each and every trait of their own… I dunno if you understand me?  I think it’s an insidious feedback cycle not dissimilar to the manic pixie dreamgirl effect, not in how women’s quirkiness serves to bring out dormant sides of men but just in how people (especially girls because due to society-enforced insecurities are more susceptible to taking influence from popular role models) have to BE SO *INSERT ANY ADJECTIVE HERE* … I don’t know… it’s just inauthentic and tiring. So NHIE is okay, as long as it is makes clear that it’s caricaturizing different examples of how some people may act in different circumstances… but it doesn’t do this. Aiyah I know I’m making a huge deal out of what some people will obviously just take as entertainment and gags for laughs etc but… it’s annoying to me…

Okay

Next

So I’m not sure if you got this from the synopses I’d copied above, so, again: NHIE revolves around a nice girl, Devi (15), who lost her father (heart attack, in the middle of the school hall where he was watching Devi perform at her school orchestra concert) last year and is now starting a new year of school, coping with the incident by stifling every single traumatic memory. Also there are some random throwaways here and there about her having literally become physically disabled for 3 months after her father’s death where Devi lost the ability to use her legs (psychosomatic reaction to her loss) but it’s only ever joked at in insignificant ways so I guess… we shall never know that side of her grief? But all this (grieving over dead father, impersonal relationship with stern mother etc) is mere backdrop, joining other backdrop themes like being a shitty friend from start to end in unbelievably shitty ways etc – the main ‘plot’ instead is made up of Devi’s desperate quest to have sex with Paxton, a 16 year-old ‘hottie’ from school who she likes, erm, because, hot.

Yea that’s it…… that’s the critique. She’s a 15 year old girl whose everyday actions (for the most part) are calculated to lead up to her deflowering by her crush. Not to be a prude but… is this an okay storyline? Like are 15 year-olds legally allowed to have sex? Lol… Am I under any misconception about what teens all over the world get up to? No. Do I think that the law plays any useful role in preventing young girls and boys from sexualizing themselves and wasting their time on sexual pursuits when they can and should be developing literally any other interest and skill? No. Am I still unhappy that this was the main motivating factor for Devi to get up and out of her home each day, unhappy that for this reason (her goal of sleeping with Paxton), unhappy that because of this she morphed into the worst, most unreliable and unrelatable friend ever to her besties who needed her badly??? Yes!

Look, I’ve covered relevant topics in my 4 years of social work education to understand Devi’s actions as unhealthy, maladaptive coping behaviours – we see Devi exhibit behaviours / thoughts etc evocative of basically all 4 stages of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle, besides the final stage of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression. If we look at Virginia Satir’s coping stances instead, (different types of behaviours people exhibit when under stress), Devi again displays all 4 stances: super reasonable (i.e. over-rationalizing something so as to avoid confronting/acknowledging the emotional truth), irrelevant (distracting, changing the topic, inappropriate jokes), placating (self-explanatory)  and blaming (again, obvious). So basically, Devi does, says and feels anything and everything besides maturely coping with the loss of her father. Is this realistic? Yes! Does everyone work within their own timelines before finally coming to that final Kubler-Ross stage of acceptance? Absolutely! And I am not at all rushing Devi to act ‘normal’ or to display healthier coping mechanisms. I just wish the grief was handled so so so much better by Mindy Kaling and whoever else was involved in developing this story - this story that is honestly full of promise. In other words, how Devi fails to handle her grief could have been written so much better, so much deeper instead of her failings itself being the central form of entertainment for much of the 10 episodes.

Anyway, also, besides it being morally not okay for a 15 year-old’s thirst for sex to be an accepted plot point (accepted on- and off-screen I mean), the actors playing Devi and Paxton are 10 years apart in age. Devi (reminder: age 15 on-screen) is played by a lovely actress who is currently 18, and Paxton is played by someone who is currently 29. So like….. she would likely have been 17 at the time of shooting? That’s just not okay and I don’t think I need say more lol. Shit like this, miscasting your key heartthrob, is just so… cheapo and so late 90s/early 2000s you know where the actors are so so clearly adults playing high schoolers, it’s just… cheapo af and absolutely inexcusable now.

Okay, everything up to this point in my ‘review’ has just been small here-and-there thoughts I had while watching it, and I’ve dedicated fluffy paragraph after paragraph on them so as to delay speaking about my main issue with the series: how the central trauma is dealt with... insomuch as it isn’t, at all.

And I’m not just saying this as someone who’s fresh off having just re-watched A Single Man, because they are obviously intended as very different works and intentionally made of (made with?) very different calibers but there are, surely, much much better ways to handle grief than what we are given with NHIE where Devi tries her darnest to have sex with her dreamboat bae. Okay so early in the series (second episode), Devi actually does get with Paxton in his garage after propositioning him (by ambushing him outside school after he finished swim practice or something), but when he takes off her shirt she’s like ok nvm I cant have sex now bye. So yea, it doesn’t happen. But it continues to be her main source of distraction from her grief, so it does remain a central plot point. Anyway the therapist character in NHIE is a joke, full of age-old TV-therapist lines like “So how do you feel about that?” etc, other platitudes and hollow-isms. She does try to tell Devi that it is not in her interest to be putting her sense of self worth on being “bangable” (I do believe this was the exact word used, cant be bothered to find the exact minute in the speicifc episode but yea trust that Devi and her therapist are candid with speaking about her plans for deflowering and Devi is never willing to talk about anything else but), but … I don’t know, Devi’s schtick gets tiresome, not because I’m neuronormative and want to see more normal behavior from the dear girl or because I’m annoyed with how badly she’s handling her grief, but more because of how badly they (writers, producers whoever etc) are handling it.

Like, up till the very end, we see her irrelevant stances or proof of her denial as fodder for lame jokes and utterly cliché dialogue, in what should be a genuine and ‘real’ scene. It’s annoying!! See below for screencaps from slightly over halfway through the FINAL episode of the series - in other words, way, way too late for a joke to be made out of how Devi resorts to the same poor coping mechanisms in distracting from her grief. I’ve screenshotted only parts of the convo, leaving out the parts where this serious convo turns into a joke about Eleanor, that itself pretends to be deep and serious but it isn’t at all...?

Devi’s friends confront her about the most serious thing in the entire series (her needing to go down to her beach to meet her mom to scatter her dad’s ashes, something she hitherto has rejected as she is unable to face this final step in accepting his death but masks with more irrelevant excuses), and she’s still coping poorly by ‘deflecting’, as her friend rightly says. I don’t know about you, but this was not a scene I needed jokes in at all.

But then, like… suddenly…. Immediately after this she starts crying and everything is good for the first time and there is acceptance within her and some semblances of healing of the fractures in her relationship with her mom etc… I dunno, it’s just not cathartic at all, because Devi hasn’t been given enough of a journey at all. The 0 to 100 thing doesn’t work here because it’s not satisfying (for us) or realistic (for Devi) at all.

Re: the grief, I dunno, if we look at another, equally popular Netflix production, The Haunting of Hill House comes to mind. Yes, obviously not at all a meaningful or fair comparison to make but again, if it’s about a family dealing with grief and loss, why can’t we expect that NHIE carry the same gravitas? In Hill House, we see our characters fumble and lash out and ‘pop off’ (a term used in NHIE which I found strangely out of place) at one another, often, but never are manifestations of their grief, never are clear mishandlings of their grief on display for our entertainment in the form of laughs or ‘cringe’ purposes. It’s just...not everything has to be funny you know? Even if it’s a teen show. I think there are ways, subtle ways, expert ways for something to be serious without at all needing to be heavy.

Again, like my gripe with the childish and/or cheap caricatures of human personalities which would be okay if this series was clearly presented as light entertainment to fill gaps in one’s day, not handling the trauma and grief could (perhaps) be overlooked if it didn’t pretend that it would in fact handle it. But everyone’s discussing the show as if it genuinely was an incredible take on dealing with loss and trauma, as if it’s contributed significantly to understandings of how a young, beautiful lovely ‘normal’ schoolgirl can live and learn through extreme trauma… BUT THE SHOW DOESN’T DO THIS LIKE IT LITERALLY DOESN’T AT ALL I FUCKING SWEAR…. Please watch all 10 episodes and show me even just ONE minute where we come full circle from anything, where Devi grows through her pain and where her journey is developed over more than just literally the last 7 minutes of screentime in the very last episode of the entire series. And I’m also seeing soooooo many comments from people who have enjoyed the series mention how fun and lighthearted it was, how comfortable they are to categorize the series as comedy and how great a time they had binge-watching it. But… it’s not funny? Like it’s really not lol… Devi is dealing with a most painful, urgent grief, having lost her father tragically a year before (and having to see him go before her very eyes). Her denial, her various-aforementioned-unhealthy-coping-mechanisms-and-maladaptive-behaviours made for painful watching for me. It shouldn’t be funny for us to see her abandon her friends when they most needed her; it shouldn’t be fun to see her lash out at her mom and dream of Paxton shirtless, these shouldn’t be comedic externalities of her situation at all. Does this mean I want an utterly dour, extremely humourless NHIE instead? Not at all! I just wish scenes / examples of her mishandling her grief were not the same ones that are supposed to make us laugh and think that everything is light and fun. Like, we can have other funny scenes featuring Devi instead you know? Things that aren’t actually incredibly harmful to her psyche.

ANYWAY

Some positives, cos I did enjoy this stupid series lollll and I did cry and I did laugh and I did look forward to watching it every evening while I exercised, okie? :)

There is one honestly genius thing that I like, where the genius lies in its utter randomness. The series (save for one episode which I will not talk about cos I don’t really give a shit about Andy Samberg and whoever his inclusion was pandering to) was narrated by John McEnroe, who, er, apparently is a well-known American tennis player. The only tennis player I know is Andre Agassi because for some reason in 2016 I borrowed from the library and read cover-to-cover his autobiography omg actually why on earth did I even do that lol I must have read somewhere that it was good perhaps? Anyway it is still recognized as one of the most ‘interesting’ or iconic sports autobiographies of all time so. But yea John McEnroe who?? He (John) is mentioned here and there as having been Devi’s late father’s favourite tennis player – which still does nothing to explain how and why he is narrating the whole series, which is great! I do enjoy the no-attempt-made to connect the fact of his narration to anything in the plot. But it’s not done in an annoyingly absurdist way either, you know? It just it what it is. I mean I guess if I’d written the screenplay which was in part autobiographical, I’d too love to have LeBron James or Megan Rapinoe narrating it, just because!

Ultimately, I think we must all acknowledge how fucking epic it is for Mindy Kaling to be where she is today. That Netflix approached her and asked for a story from her heart, drawing from her own life, and gave her the boundary-less freedom to write what she wanted is cool. She may not be the voice I think teens (or any audience really) may most need but they certainly do want this voice – NHIE is so so so loved and appreciate across the board – by adults, kids, diasporic Indian girls, normal non-minority-race girls etc, with everyone calling (begging) for another season, and anyway Mindy Kaling is probably about 1000000x better anyway than others who have been granted the same stage and presence as her before, like, I dunno, Michael fucking Bay or fucking James Cameron so yay her !!! For the sake of us all!

--------

update, a few hours later:

so since forcing Jade to read my post the second it went up, i have learnt that:

So there goes the one singular uniquely cute thing I did appreciate about NHIE then i guess, seeing as his random feature throughout the series isn’t unique at all... seeing as unexpectedness makes for a predictable part of his record, it is no longer charming to me.  lol bye!

[rustyfilingcabinet]

Doing surveys because what fuck else am I meant to do with a storm outside?

1.) Do you believe in fate? Hmmm. I do believe we all have a purpose, I do believe that certain things are meant to be or not. But I also believe that our actions directly affect our future. 2.) Do you sleep naked? I do. 3.) What is your favorite thing to cook? I love cooking bokkeumbap because it's crazy fast and simple but so so tasty. 4.) Do you believe that humans are inherently good or evil? I think we all have the potential to be both and circumstances dictate which way we end up. Sometimes. 5.) What turns you on? Oh... oxygen 😂 erm. Anything down to tone of voice and posture can be turn on with the right person. I'm literally so easy. 6.) What is your favorite snack? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm. Biscuits. 7.) What do you think will bring on the end of the world? Nuclear war, global warming, black hole, etc. I think probably nuclear. Ultimately however we go we'll be the cause of our own demise. 8.) What is your favorite type of foreplay? All of it. Always. Haha. 9.) Favorite restaurant? Don Antonio's was lovely but that's long gone. The Italian I went to in Germany was beautiful and actually really romantic. Er, imge in town is nice. 10.) Do you believe in the death penalty? Nope. Absolutely not. One person wrong doing will never justify taking a life. 11.) Do you use sex toys? By yourself or with a partner, or both? I do sometimes but not very often. By myself. 12.) Salty or sweet? Sweet. 13.) Do you believe in ghosts? I do. 14.) Have you ever done role play? Haha no. Id be awful at that. 15.) Would you ever go vegetarian or vegan? I like the idea of being vegetarian because I hate factory farms. But. No. 16.) Do you have faith in a higher power? Oh man this is a deep one. I don't believe in a god in the sense of some dude sitting on a cloud dictating. I believe in something divine that exists in every thing and, if we live well and nurture it, we will be nurtured. 17.) Favorite sex position? If you’re a virgin, which position interests you? Hmm. I'm a fan of doggy style because it gets dat g spot. 18.) Favorite dessert? All of them. 19.) What quote or mantra do you live by? Love and compassion are necessities not luxuries and without them humanity cannot survive. 20.) Any fetish? Not really no. Lil kinks but no full on fetishes. 21.) If you had to eliminate chocolate or meat(that includes chicken or fish) from your diet, which would you keep? Oh my shit I would rather die haha. Erm. Id keep meat. 22.) Do you focus more on the past, present or future? The present? I dont know yaknow. 23.) Where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it? His grans bed. 24.) What have you eaten today? Was it good? A really coconuty curry. So good. 25.) Do you judge people for what they wear or how they express themselves? I try not to judge people at all. People's actions speak for themselves. 26.) What was the best orgasm you’ve ever had? Orgasm #39392 i don't understand how I'm meant to answer this lol. 27.) What do you eat when you’re watching a movie in a cinema? Whatever I bought at the shop before arriving at the cinema because fuck cinema prices 28.) What is something you have that everyone wants? Literally nothing 😂😂 plo when I have that? Haha 29.) Do you shave or trim your pubic hair? Depends on my mood and what's going down. Mostly I just trim because I don't feel any more or less empowered with a shaved foof. Depends what I'm feeling. 30.) Are you an optimist, pessimist, or a realist? I'm an optimist for others, a pessimist about myself but a realist in general. 31.) In your opinion, what is the best food your country can offer? Oh its all shit in England. Erm. Greggs do a mean sausage roll haha 32.) Have you ever/would you ever do anal? Yep. 33.) If you were to run away, where would you go? Depends why I was running away lol. 34.) In your opinion, what is the worst food your country can offer? FUCKING marmite. 35.) Biggest sexual fantasy? I actually don't really have any specific fantasies. 36.) Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How does it affect your life? I'm an ambivert. Neeeeed space and my own time and silence but also need a few hours with people so I don't go mental haha. 37.) What is your ideal take out? Imge fishcakes, a curry, naan and some shami from balti, a lil chicken and onion ringd from somewhere. Id never eat it all but id enjoy the idea of it haha. 38.) What’s more important- length or width? why? Are we talking dicks here orrrr? Both are kinda important in that the dick has to be proportionate. But. I reckon a girthy dick is better than a donkey dick 39.) What are you known for by your friends and family? ....what the fuck type of a question is that? Known for being me. 40.) What is a dish you are dying to try? Errrm none. I just cook it if I want to. 41.) Have you ever had cyber sex or phone sex? Yep. 42.) What political affiliation do you associate yourself with? I support Corbyn but not Labour. 43.) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had with food? Omg I was once so so ill after eating a mixed grill and it was probably the meat but my brain decided it was the egg so I've never touched a runny yolk since. 44.) Do you talk dirty during sex? Nope haha. 45.) What do you think happens when you die? I'm still wondering this myself. 46.) What is your favorite foreign food? I only really eat foreign food tbh and I can't choose. 47.) How often do you masturbate? Varies. Sometimes multiple times a day sometimes like once a week. 48.) What is something no one can ever steal from you? My wealth. Because it's non existent 49.) Favorite alcoholic drink? Sailor Jerry. 50.) What was your first orgasm like? I fell over. So.