#ep. miller's crossing

[dr-futbol-blog]

38 minutes

The episode 38 Minutes (S01E04) is a strange one. This is the first time we see the team on an away-mission (and we see this only in flashbacks), and yet there is this established dynamic within the team and between the characters that would be much more at home later on in the season. They all care too much, they trust each other too much. There's an intimacy to their interaction that is difficult to explain.

The functioning of the puddle jumpers is deconstructed when we have barely learned how they work in the first place. We learn obscure Wraith lore when we've barely scratched the surface with them. And then there's the question of the strange almost-confession from Sheppard to Weir that is left hanging at the end of the episode.

There are some parallels between this episode and the previous, Hide and Seek (S01E03) that kind of provide a motivation for them happening in sequence, the episodes mirroring each other. I suppose a modern binge-watching audience might spot such parallels much more readily than one would have watching episodes in a weekly schedule and if these two had been separated by more episodes between them, but it is still weird.

There are in both episodes, for one, the subtle and private touches, unnoticed by the others.

Both lead characters also end up unconscious on the floor at the end of the episode, tended by the medical staff. There's also the innuendo: where Sheppard referenced dicks ("That's [size not mattering] a myth!") in a tight spot, here Rodney describes John's bug bite as a hickey. How ever you want to interpret their relationship, these off-hand comments reveal that they sure do think about each other in sexual terms.

Where Rodney has his Big Hero Moment and saves everyone, Sheppard is saved by everyone. They all work so hard so save the man who believes he has to save everyone even if it kills him but does not believe himself worth saving.

It is very touching but it would have made more sense and carried more weight later on in the season, perhaps after we had seen him save the day and the others a bunch of times. Now we start deconstructing the hero myth right from the outset.

But it's actually the almost-confession that I want to dissect here.

Often when homoerotic subtext was used end employed in mainstream shows, especially during this era, the more something was in fact hinted, the more the main-text had to compensate by showing or referencing something over-the-top heterosexual. It's the plausible deniability. There sure is something gay going on in here so we'll distract the normative viewer with bells and whistles elsewhere (cf. the nurse at the end of this episode; Sheppard smiles at her and the mainstream audience is going to interpret that as sexual interest -- after all, nurses are sexy in Western culture. But note also Rodney side-eyeing her as she walks away. What this is is another case of Sheppard using his charm to get someone to do something for him -- in this case, making sure that he gets sick bay privileges). We sure don't want to make John Q. Public uncomfortable. They have to be given the chance to read the text in a normative way.

John Sheppard and Elizabeth Weir are the main characters of the show. It is easy to read their relationship as a friendship but a kind of a will-they-won't-they dynamic was also inserted into it. There are looks, there is unexplained tension, we are clearly meant to see them as close even if the nature of their closeness remains unexplained. All of this is of course true of Rodney and Sheppard, as well. It keeps things interesting, narratively speaking.

In the episode, there is this strange throughline of Shappard wanting to make what equates to a death bed confession of some kind. It is not an offhand remark but something that is returned to time and again:

Weir: Hang in there, Major. We're working on the problem. Sheppard: I know you are. Listen. I'd like to say something while I still can. Weir: Don't! You're gonna get through this.

...

Sheppard: What I wanted to say was... Weir: Save your strength, John, and tell me in person. Sheppard: This is important.(Weir sighs and closes her eyes.) Weir: I'm listening.

...

Weir: By the way, what were you going to say? Sheppard: When? Weir: Before, when you thought, you know ... Sheppard: Oh, that. Weir: I didn't want you to say it at the time, but now I'm curious. Sheppard: I was going to say, um ... take care of each other. Weir: That's nice. Sheppard: Yep. McKay: And, uh, indeed, we did. Sheppard: Yes, you did. Thank you. Again. McKay: You're welcome.

Weir: You weren't really going to say that, were you? Sheppard: I have no idea what you're talking about. Weir: I didn't think so.

Clearly, this means something.

Is this meant to be romantic? It can be interpreted as romantic. The mainstream audience likely will interpret it as romantic because that's what they are primed to do. Man, woman, something unsaid = unresolved sexual tension, unrequited love. Right?

Only, this interpretation makes no goddamn sense.

First of all, Elizabeth Weir was still in a relationship at this time. Granted, she didn't know whether she would ever be able to return to earth, she had not broken up with her man. It would make romantic interest in Sheppard morally dubious at best.

Second, by this time they barely knew each other. A confession of undying love would be wildly out of place, and a confession of interest would fit ill with the direness of the situation.

Third, for mainstream television, Elizabeth is too old to be Sheppard's love interest. Yes, they're practically the same age and the actress is technically the younger of the two, but this is how the world of entertainment works. If they had pursued this, it would have been a May-December romance of the wrong variety for the general audience.

Fourth, the question of the chain of command. Given that the expedition had civilian leadership, the major had been thrust into a command he had not signed up for, there existed a rather precarious chain of command on Atlantis at this time, as it was. Adding romantic entanglements into it would have been a Really Bad Idea. And the chain of command coming between a pair romantically interested in one another was something that was true of the entire franchise. Sam and Jack only got to have each other in some alternative situations, never in the main text. We all knew they loved each other but their position in the military would not allow them to get each other.

While they were both military, we have the same dynamic with Daniel Jackson and Vala, who are both civilians. They got to have each other in a timeline that was erased but in the main text their professional relationship precluded them from consummating their relationship.

And note that this franchise knew how to do unspoken romantic tension perhaps better than any other, it was their bread and butter. This wasn't it.

But wait, I hear you say. Isn't this true of Sheppard and McKay as well?

Yes and no. Yes, there is a chain of command. No, neither of them cares about it in text. That is, the chain of command between them, not chain of command in general.

First, there is the infamous scene in Miller's Crossing (S04E09) where Sheppard attempts, as a last resort, to pull rank on McKay with very little luck.

Sheppard: You're an invaluable of my team, and you report directly to me. McKay: Really? You want to talk about chain-of-command right now? Sheppard: You are not doing this.

Not only was McKay going to do this, the fact that he didn't do it right away had more to do with his respect for Sheppard as a person than a respect for the chain of command. But there's an even more incriminating scene in Harmony (S04E14):

Harmony: Tell me: which one of you is the superior officer? McKay: You mean, who outranks who? Harmony: Yes. McKay: I'm a civilian; I don't have a rank, but basically we're equals. Sheppard: Technically I'm in charge. Harmony: I thought so. You have all the makings of an excellent leader, John.

They are basically equals, John is technically in charge. This, according to them. Of course in reality being in charge of McKay is like being in charge of a bag of cats, but that's another thing entirely.

So what was Sheppard going to say to Weir? I would venture a guess, based on the episode Letters from Pegasus (S01E17) toward the end of the season, that what he wanted to say had something to do with Col. Sumner. That was the thing that was weighing on him this whole time. At this time we knew nothing of Sheppard's family back home or even if he had one -- and he certainly didn't feel he had anything to say to any of them when they were sending their final messages to earth.

Where other people are sending messages to people they love back home, Sheppard's focus is entirely different: "I'm not sure if Colonel Sumner's parents are still alive. I'm not sure he even has a family back there -- not all of us do. But if he does have a family, they should know that he died with honour and courage in the performance of his duty."

At the end of the day, when the chips were coming down, when they were sending their final messages to their loved ones, this is what John Sheppard wanted to say. In the episode he tells Elizabeth that what he had to say was important. This is important. Much more important than any confession of feelings could ever be.

But what did Elizabeth think he was going to say? That remains unclear. What is really curious, though, and notable, is that McKay seems real tense when they're waiting for John's answer. He stands there with what can only be described as baited breath. And it is his reaction -- not Elizabeth's -- that we get to what John says, lying about it though he clearly is.

What is that about? Why do you care so much my guy? Why do you have an investment in this?

Dear God, he's almost as relieved here than he was when they had just saved Sheppard's life.

Like I said, this would have made much more sense further on in the season. But as it is, the dynamic between these two characters got to a really intense start!

[quin-ns]

Sleeping Bag (Joel Miller x Reader)

Word count: 1.7K

Summary: you can’t get comfortable in your sleeping bag, so joel invites you into his

Tags: age gap (mostly implied), anxiety, fluff, protective/caring!joel, comfort, cuddling, sharing a sleeping bag (instead of the one bed trope lol), kissing (forehead and lips), it’s just cute short and fun

A/N: simple and quick, inspired by ep 4 when joel and ellie were in sleeping bags in the woods, but no explicit spoilers. I’ve been wanting to write for joel since episode one and finally got an idea. pretty sure more will be coming soon…

TLOU masterlist + main masterlist

After sleeping in a bed in the QZ’s for years, suddenly trying to get comfortable in a sleeping bag on the ground was proving difficult for you.

What a spoiled thought to have, right? Well, it wasn’t just that. You were out in the open woods. There could be infected anywhere. They could come for you any second. How could you close your eyes and rest peacefully knowing you were no longer behind the barrier walls?

Ellie was already asleep, you could hear her light snores. Your back was facing him, but you assumed Joel was asleep as well given his stillness. You rolled from your side to your back and sighed.

You had to sleep. You should’ve been tired. You and Joel had taken turns driving, although since you didn’t have much driving experience Joel became concerned when you began to struggle with the gear shift and mixed up the pedals (it only happened once but he couldn’t let it go). Joel had grown exhausted and didn’t want to stress you out by making you drive without him as backup/support, so you all stopped for the night. He was thoughtful like that; even if he was a bit grouchy sometimes.

You turned from your back to your other side, eyes landing on Joel. He was facing you, eyes closed, breathing steadily. The older man actually seemed to be at peace. He only looked like that when he was asleep. The moment he woke up, you knew he’d have that slight pout and furrow of his brows that you’d become accustomed to.

If Joel caught you staring, you wondered what he’d say. You could never pinpoint the way he viewed you. Friend? Daughter? Burden? You’d be way more okay with the previous two as long as it wasn’t the third. Although if you were being honest with yourself, you hoped it was none of the above.

Despite his age and his tough nature, you had a thing for Joel. Like, a thing. Feelings, attraction, affection—whatever you wanted to call it. Definitely a crush. Love? Maybe. It was a little bit confusing, but nothing in this life was simple.

Joel had taken you under his wing a while back and looked after you. He was incredibly protective and even if he wasn’t the best with expressing himself, Joel cared for you. He made you feel safe. He was there for you when you had no one else.

You rolled to your other side. Then back. Simply put, tossing and turning. The thought that you were being loud don’t even cross your mind until—

“What are you doing?” Joel’s voice caught your attention.

You let out a sigh, feeling bad that you’d woken the man up. You turned back to face him. “I can’t sleep,” you confessed.

“I can tell,” he murmured. “Do you plan on rolling around all night?”

You frowned to yourself. “I'm sorry.”

Joel exhaled softly and even in the dark, you could see the sympathy in those deep brown eyes of his. You hadn’t realized that subconsciously, you’d moved closer to him.

“It’s okay.” He had a soft spot for you, even though he’d probably deny it.

“I’ll try and be… still, I guess.” You knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep. “Just go back to sleep, I’ll be fine.” That was a lie.

“No,” he decided after a moment. You furrowed your brows. “You need sleep too.”

“I can’t get comfortable,” you replied. You let a few seconds pass before adding, “…and I’m too anxious.”

“I’m not gonna let anything happen to you,” Joel promised like if there was one thing he was sure about, it was that.

It meant a lot, it really did. But you huffed out a humorless laugh and went to a worse case scenario. “You’re all the way over there. If an infected wanted to get me, it could. Before you could stop it.”

Joel was quiet for a few beats. You hadn’t meant to insult him, but it was true. It didn’t matter how safe you felt with him there. They were faster than him. Faster than anyone.

“So then come over here,” Joel offered, voice still thick with sleep. It sounded incredibly enticing.

The image of you crawling into his sleeping bag crossed your mind faster than you could stop it. You had to do a double take. “Like… scoot over there?” you tried to clarify inconspicuously.

“If you’re against sharing with me.”

So, he had meant what you’d hoped for. Your heart skipped a little beat and you swallowed.

“I’m not.”

All Joel did was hum. You unzipped your sleeping bag and left the warmth. Joel was ready and waiting when you moved over to him, enveloping you into the safety of his sleeping bag and heavy arms. You wiggled around a little bit until you got comfortable. For the first time since you’d left the QZ, it didn’t take long.

“Thank you,” you mumbled softly, trying to keep your breathing calm. Being so close to Joel was causing you to become less focused on sleep and more focused on the way his breath sounded so close to your ear.

“Mmhhmm,” he hummed from deep in his throat with closed lips. You thought it was going to be left at that, but then you heard his gruff voice. “I know it’s been hard on you.” You opened your mouth to deny it, but he continued. “Even if you’re too stubborn to admit it beyond makin’ snarky comments.”

You took in a breath. He got you on that one, and you both knew it. “Since when do you know me this well?”

“Since always,” Joel pointed out. “You’re easy to read.”

“For you maybe.”

“Yeah, for me,” he agreed, sounding pleased with himself. Joel was silent for a long moment, listening to the soft rustle of your body as you gazed around your surroundings. The grass, the trees, the darkness… “I’m sorry for being so selfish.”

The sudden apology confused you. “What?”

“You’ve never been outside of the QZ before, and for good reason,” Joel started. “It’s a scary world out here and I shouldn’t have subjected you to it. I shouldn’t have brought you along.”

His voice was full of guilt that seemed to come out of nowhere, but given all he had to say you suspected he’d been carrying it since you left.

“I wanted to come with you,” you assured him. You never second guessed that decision despite everything that had happened so far. “Where is this coming from?”

“You’re scared and it’s my fault.” You could hear the deep frown in his voice.

“You’re the reason I feel safe right now,” you said without a second thought. It was true. You wanted him to know that. There was something you wanted to know too, now, and you couldn’t help but ask. “Do you not want me here?”

“I do,” Joel confessed. “That’s why I’m selfish.” There was a pause but you didn’t dare speak. “I didn’t want to be away from you.���

A wave of realization crashed over you.

You wiggled around, turning until you were facing him. You offered him a soft, delicate smile that you hoped he could see despite the dark.

“It almost sounds like you care about me. A lot,” you couldn’t help but tease.

“You know I care about you,” Joel stated, like it was the most obvious thing. Maybe he’d tried to cover it up in the past, but someone would have to be blind to not see that you meant something to Joel.

“I care about you too,” you admitted with much more ease. He knew, though.

Joel, in an uncharacteristically soft gesture, pressed a kiss to your forehead. You could hardly believe it. But it felt nice. You liked the affection. And coming from someone like Joel who never let their guard down, it was significant enough to leave you speechless.

“It’s gonna be daylight soon,” he muttered. “You should try and get some sleep.”

“Yeah, okay,” you agreed with a slight nod. “Just… one more thing.” It took everything you had to be brave enough to say that, and to do what you were going to do next.

There was basically no space between the two of you, but you managed to bring your hand up to Joel’s face and cup his jaw. You leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

Joel didn’t hesitate to kiss you back. He took charge, but it wasn’t surprising. He had a dominating presence and was rough around the edges, you didn’t think he’d be delicate with you.

Not that you minded.

His lips moved against yours, almost in a frenzy. Like he was scared you’d slip away from him. It was so needy, so passionate. You wished you would’ve done this much, much sooner

Joel found the willpower to break away from the kiss before you. You would’ve happily lost consciousness in order to kiss him for just a few more moments. But then you’d worry him, and you hated to see Joel worry.

But you didn’t see worry when you looked into his eyes. You saw a hint of wonder. You were both staring into a new beginning as you gazed upon one another. He was panting a little, both of your soft breaths intertwining.

“You need sleep,” he reminded you.

Of course he still couldn’t drop the protector role. He wasn’t wrong about that, either. You smiled to yourself, the feel of his lips still ghosting yours despite the distance. You twisted in the sleeping bag without a word, knowing that you’d never be able to sleep facing Joel. You’d probably be too busy staring at him…

So yeah, you laid with your back to his chest and closed your eyes. His arms held you tight against his firm body. Not only providing warmth, but security as well.

“Goodnight,” Joel mumbled to you, already dozing back off. You could hear the soft smile in his voice despite the tiredness. It seemed easier for him to sleep wherever, although you liked to think you were bringing him some kind of comfort as well. With the way he held you against him it wouldn’t be an unrealistic thought.

“Goodnight, Joel,” you replied softly, finally able to relax your breathing. The feel of Joel’s body pressed against you, his strong arms around you—it felt like a dream. Safe and sound, away from the dangers that lie not far off. And soon enough, you were finally able to close your eyes and fall into a peaceful sleep.

[cxrsed-angel]

Similar Worries

Word count: 3k

Warnings: angst, age gap (reader in her 20s, joel in his 50s).

A/N: I wrote this immediately after ep 6. There are spoilers for the episode. gif credits: @joel-miller

You had been walking in the woods for few hours after you left the couple’s cabin. You were in the back talking to Ellie, telling her how she cant go around tell people they’re like a thousand, especially when they didn't kill you and had given you soup.

When you see Joel stop walking, you walk up closer and see him breathing heavier. You put your hand on his shoulder, watching in fear as he grabbed his chest; you didn't know what to do if he had a heart attack in the middle of the fucking woods in the snow. 

“Joel, what's wrong, are you okay.” you watch in a panic as he nods his head, but he's still breathing heavily. You look around, trying to find somewhere for him to sit but there’s nothing. You try to calm yourself because the last thing you need is to freak out, making Ellie even more scared. You turned to look at Ellie but she was frozen in fear staring as Joel continue struggling to breathe behind you. Your attention is back on him when you heard his voice. 

“Im fine, just the cold air.” he said slowly, still trying to catch his breath; Ellie nods and walks closer.  But you stay silent, frozen in fear trying to rake your brain for any information on heart attacks but you come up blank. You realized didn't know what you would do if he had a heart attack; you're more mad at yourself at the fact that this situation hadn’t even crossed your mind. 

“Good because I don't know what we would do if you had a fucking heart attack right there.” You hear Joel let out a small laugh at Ellie’s joke as she lightly slapping his back as the two of them continued to walk ahead. But you didn't believe him. Ellie was right; what do you do if he has fucking heart attack in the middle of the goddamn forest in the snow. You knew it was something more than the cold air but decided not to press on it. But you kept an eye on him the rest of the way. 

The whole time you were walking, you were quiet. You tried not to show it but, it really scared you, it made you realize how old Joel was compared to; you always knew of course. When he complained about his knees when going upstairs, he talked about his back pain from sleeping on the ground countless nights. But it was always light-hearted, not life or death. You knew he had bad hearing from shooting, but this scared the shit out of you. 

When you were surrounded by the group, you saw Joel was different again, he was off, but you didn't have time to focus on it. You were just relieved they didn't shoot anyone. As you rode on the back of Joel’s horse, all that replayed in your head was how Joel seemed off. Something in his eyes that you couldn't quite figure out. You think back and remember he seemed off ever since you guys had left Kanas; you just never noticed until now, and with the troubled breathing, you were starting to get concerned. 

After Maria and Tommy gave you guys food and told you what house you would be in you immediately needed to show, you also thought it was best to let Joel talk to his brother alone. You went into what you assumed was the main bedroom to shower. After the shower and changing into some clothes, you sit on the bed, and you could hear Maria come and talk to Ellie, you knew you should see what they were talking about, but you figured Maria wouldn't do anything. As you sit on the bed, you couldn't stop seeing Joel struggling to breathe, and how helpless you were, you didn't know what to do, you couldn't save him you just watched. You had gotten lucky today, but one day you're not gonna be lucky; what if you can't save him, just freeze there like you did today? Tears fall down your face as you realize how little you could do.

You hear boots come in the room and assume it was Joel; you look up and see him looking at you. You could tell had been crying, you expect him to sit down next to you, but he stays standing, staring at you. “Have you been crying,” you asked quietly, looking at him, You could see in his eyes something wasn't right, and you wondered if it was something had happened. You waited for him to say something, but he remained silent, staring at you. You try not to sniffle but couldn't help it. 

“Have you been crying.” he repeats as he steps closer to the bed, but you weren't gonna let him change the topic off of him. 

“You first.” you said through snuffles. 

“It was just emotionally seeing Tommy, that's all.” you stare back at him, you knew it wasn't that, and you were a little offended that he thought that would work on you. You knew him better than that. But two could play that game. 

You took your shoes off and climb up into bed and lie down. Joel watches you, confused with frown eyebrows. You let out a fake cry, “it's my period, my emotions and hormones and everything.” You tell him with exaggerated sadness laced in your voice. You knew you were being childish, but you didn't care; you weren't gonna let him get away with that shitty lie. 

He rolls his eyes at your sarcasm as he gives you a deadpan stare. “Really?” was all he said, which made you even more upset. You sit up on the bed and stand up, glaring at him as he remained on the bed. You had been worried all day about him, and he wanted to be closed off to you; you weren't gonna take it. 

“No Joel don't “really” me you know  it's bullshit either tell me or dont tell me, but dont lie to me, god forbid I ask you what's wrong.” you couldn't stand him right now you turn to leave the room, but he voice stopped you making you turn around. 

“We’re staying here,” he mumbled quietly as he stares at the ground, adverting your eyes. You frown at him, not understanding what he meant. You hated when he talked in half sentences leaving out details. Who was we, why are we staying here, and also, why had he been crying? 

“What” you asked sternly, pissed at him for not being clear and deflecting the topic yet again. You walk closer to him, narrowing your eyes at him, waiting for Joel to answer. Joel sighs before looking up into your eyes, “You and I are staying in Jackson, it's safe they have food and shelter it's better for you.” he explains, but his voice is still shaky you could tell he was leaving something out and considering the fact he didn't mention Ellie you knew there was more than what he was saying. Also, he didn't talk to you about it; if you wanted to stay or not, you weren't gonna let him dictate where you go and make important choices without. 

You nod, “okay, well me and Ellie will go to the fireflies to make a cure, you can stay here and live out your suburban fantasy okay.” you replay, full of sarcasm; you watch as Joel's face frowns in frustration. He shakes his head and puts his face in his hands for a few minutes before looking back at the ground. 

“You and I are staying, Tommy is taking Ellie, he’s made the trip before, and he can handle it.”. You were getting tired and annoyed with this whole conversation going in circles and getting nowhere. You didn't understand why he wanted to leave Ellie; why didn't he want to continue? You’ve already gotten this far. But you stopped and remembered earlier when he couldn't breathe, and it clicked. You saw it in his eyes when Sam attacked Ellie when the dog started sniffing Ellie. It wasn't a heart attack. It was a panic attack. He was scared. 

Your eyes softened when you realized and came and sit down next to him. You place your hand on his face, slowly turning it, so he's looking at you. “Joel it wasn't the cold air wasn't it,” you stare full of concern into his brown eyes. You knew you were right when you see a tear fall down his cheek. You grab his hand in yours, rubbing it slowly; you didn't say anything, just waiting until he was ready. 

It was quiet for a moment as he cried silently before speaking again. “I get these dreams it’s a different situation, but they all end the same you or Ellie, or hell sometimes the both of you, dead while I just stand there frozen not doing anything, just like I did with-” you watch, choke back a sob before continuing. “Im just failing, I failed Tess, and Sarah, and in my dreams, I fail you and Ellie that’s all I do is fail.” his voice breaks at the end of the sentence as he continues to cry. 

You feel your heart break at how much pain he has been in and how this had been hurting him for so long. You reach up to his face wiping the tears as they continue to fail. You stay silent, waiting for him to finish. You feel him lean into your hand as you gently caressed his face. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before continuing. 

“I don't know what I’ll do if something happened to you or Ellie, I froze when that kid came up behind me, too damn old to hear them and too slow to do something. I couldn't hear when Henry and Sam snuck up on us. It's only a matter of time before I fuck up and put someone in danger, until I freeze at the wrong time again. Lately I've been so godman scared that my heart feels like it stopping and-” 

“and you can't breath and you get dizzy like you're gonna pass out.” you interrupt him, knowing how it feels. You see his eyes widen a little when you describe what happens. You’ve had panic attacks before you knew they were scary as shit. You remember the first time you felt one you thought you were dying. 

You wipe another tear that falls from his eyes. “They happen to me too sometimes, not as bad when I was on my own after my parents died. I used to get them almost every day then, I got one the first time I saw a clicker all,  I did was crouch down to the floor into ball and cried until it went away then I ran. You’re not failing Joel, you arent gonna fail, You didnt fail when you got us out of Kansas with all those infected and a whole town chasing after us.” you looked into his eyes, but you could tell he was still uncertain, they were still full of worry and disbelief 

“Joel its okay to be afraid I’m fucking terrified almost all the time, Im scared that one of us is gonna catch a cold in the middle of the winter and die, Im scared Im gonna sneeze at the wrong time a room full of clickers and get ripped apart, Im scared-” you paused as you felt your tears coming again, “Im scared Im not gonna be able to protect you, that something gonna happen and I won't be able to do anything to help you.” you smile faintly “I guess we have similar fears huh Texas” you tried to lighten the mood as you continue to cry. 

You see him start to smile too through the tears; his hand came up and wiped your tears. You feel his hand wrap around your waist, pulling you into a hug as your cries came out harder. You thought back on how you thought he was having a heart attack and how helpless you were. 

“You fucking scared me back there, thought you were having a heart attack or something.” you pull away looking into his eyes as yours were filled with tears. “I cant fucking save you from a heart attack Joel, you get shot I know what to do, you get stabbed I know what to but-” You feel yourself choke on your sobs, unable to speak for a second. “I always thought a bite was the worst I had to worry about, you cant come back from a bite, I cant do anything about that, I made peace with that, but what about heart attack, or heart failure, what the fuck do I do then?” You cry out as he pulled back into a hug, rubbing your back as you try to steady your breath. 

You close your eyes as you relax against his chest, and you stay there, in each other embrace, as your comfort each other through your similar worries. Joel pulls away first gazing into your teary eyes. He wants to comfort you, reassure you, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He wants to tell you that nothing gonna happen to him, but he can't. He understands where you're coming from, he's nearing his 60s while you're still in your 20s. He hates himself for allowing you to get this close; he knew you were younger, that you deserved someone better than an old man. But you convinced him, told him over and over that you only wanted him. 

“How about we cross that bridge when we get there okay honey.” he attempted to reassure you but you looked into his eyes, seeing the wrinkles around the outside of his eyes, across his forehead, and lining the rest of his face, the grey in his facial hair and you couldn't you, couldn't do that because you’ll be unprepared when you got to that bridge there’s no crossing it. 

You shake you head as you feel your eyes filling with tears again, “I cant Joel, I cant fucking wait because we wont cross it I will, just me and Ellie watching as you fall to the ground unable to do shit.” Your lips trembling thinking about him being in pain and dying while you stand there frozen with Ellie in horror helplessly. “I dont want to lose you Joel not like that.” you whispered before leaning back into his arms. 

Joel thought about it and knew you were right; he knew you were gonna worry yourself to death about his health, and there want much else he could do to change that at the moment. So he just continued holding you in his arms, racking his brain for a solution but there wasn't an easy fix. He thinks about your words earlier, and how you were so good and quick to guarantee that he hasn't failed and that he wasn't going to, he wanted to do the same for you. But he couldn't find the right then to say, so he let you sob into his shoulder until he hears you stop.

“My brother gonna be a dad.” you widen your eyes at the sentence he just blurted out; you pull away, wiping the tears and snot off your face; you stare into his eyes, confused, until you realized what's happening. “You dont know what to say do you.” you watched as he nodded his head, disappointed at himself for not being able to get his words out, but you didn't blame him; you knew he said more through actions. You remember the first time he tried to say you’re more than a friend to him and watched as he continuously rambled about how much you mean to him and getting so far off topic he started using construction terms as a metaphor for your relationship. You knew what he meant. But you let him continue fumbling over his words before saying you felt the same. Since then, you’ve got used to him showing how he cares about you through his action and not getting too mad at his lack of communication. 

“Do you wanna talk about that or were you just trying to lighten the mood.” You asked him. You knew talking about babies, and parenting was hard for him, but you were unsure if he was ready to talk about how that information was affecting him. You watched as he shook his head and knew he was trying to lighten the mood; at least that was his intention, not quite sure it worked. 

“Trying to lighten the mood but I think I did the opposite.” he replied with an unsure smile; you let out a small laugh at his awkwardness, finding it cute. You nod and leaned forward, kissing his cheek. Before laying in the bed, you watch as he took his shoes off and joined you, laying in front of you pressing his back against you chest. Your arms wrap around his waist as you relaxed against him. You knew that both you and him had a lot of things that you’ll probably never gonna heal from or not worry about. You knew there's always gonna be a wound and hole in him from his daughter, and you were always gonna worry about him and his health, But at least you had each other at this moment; that was all you focused on. 

“I love you Joel, I know its hard but well figure it out, well get through this together, you arent alone.” you spoke softly as your head lay on his shoulder. You feel his hand come on top of yours as it rested on his stomach, rubbing them. 

“I know baby, I-uh I love you too.” he whispers back; you smile against his shoulder as he verbally said it back for the first time. You didn't want to make too big a deal of it; you always knew he loved you. He showed it in multiple ways, but you will admit it sounded nice. you snuggled up, pulling him closer into your chest as you closed your eyes and let this awful day end.

[yelena-bellova]

Twenty Years Later: Joel Miller x F!Reader - Chapter Six

Chapter Six: Road Trip

Plot: Joel, Y/n and Ellie continue to make their way cross country, and Joel and Y/n’s truce is heavily tested.

Warnings: tlou ep.4 spoilers, language, insinuation of killing, mention of a p*rn magazine, guns, (16+)

Word Count: 7.1k

A/N: This chapter feels like filler, but there’s still lil’ nuggets that will come into play later. Thanks to HBO for throwing that curveball of a Friday episode, now I gotta hustle to get the next chapter out within two days 😂

As always, this series is 16+ and I will not be tagging anyone who does not have their age in their bio. Gotta look out for younger eyes 👀

I hope you all enjoy this one and prepare for the next one because….anyway, enjoy!

———————

June 2nd, 2002. Austin, Texas.

——————

Joel and Y/n had gone out for three weeks, equaling a total five dates. Between their respective work schedules and Joel being a parent, they had to get creative if they wanted to see each other. They’d meet on their lunch breaks or, if they were too busy, Joel would stop by the hardware store in dire need of help finding something and only Y/n could possibly help him. It gave them a good twenty minutes or so to wander the aisles together.

On a particularly slow Tuesday afternoon, Y/n was doing inventory. Joel and her had made plans to grab coffee on his way home and she was counting down the hours till he came through the door.

A small voice broke her out of her daydreams, “Excuse me?”

Y/n turned and met the face of a girl, no older than maybe thirteen. She had dark skin and a head full of curls pulled back with a scrunchie. She looked slightly out of breath, but determined.

“How can I help you?” Y/n asked curiously.

“Are you Y/n?”

She confusedly furrowed her brows, “Yeah…”

The girl huffed with a grin, “Okay, good. I asked, like, three other people where you were and they had no idea.”

Y/n awkwardly smiled along with her, “C-can I ask how you know my name?”

“Oh,” the girl snapped back to the current conversation, “I’m Sarah.”

“Sarah…” Y/n repeated, wracking her mental index of high school friend’s kids, before it hit her. Her eyes widened, “Wait…Sarah…Miller?”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

Y/n’s body locked up, to say she was surprised was an understatement. Joel had told her that he wanted to wait a while before introducing her to Sarah. He hadn’t had a serious girlfriend since Sarah’s mom and was trying to figure out the best way for them to meet. Y/n hadn’t taken any offense, she’d supported it, actually. She’d never dated anyone with a kid and she wanted to do everything as close to perfect as she could.

“D-does your-“ Y/n braced herself against her inventory cart, “Does your dad know you’re here?”

Sarah’s mouth twisted, “Not exactly.”

“Uh-huh,” Y/n replied, suspicious, “And not exactly means…?”

“Not at all,” Sarah nervously smiled.

Y/n gathered the little oxygen left in her body and laughed. “How did you get down here if you’re by yourself?”

Sarah shrugged, “I took the bus.”

“Ah,” Y/n nodded, “And you ride the bus alone without your dad’s permission a lot?”

The girl gave a guilty smile and balanced on the heels of her Converse. It was all the answer Y/n needed.

“So, why are you here?” Y/n asked, feeling like she was doing something wrong.

Sarah sighed, “I got tired of waiting for my dad to introduce me to you. I’ve asked him, like, ten times and he keeps saying no. I knew you worked here so…I figured this was the only way I could meet you.”

Y/n couldn’t help but be a little touched, and also terrified. She was more nervous about impressing Sarah than she had been Joel.

“I mean,” Y/n rubbed her forehead, “Yeah, I knew your dad was waiting to introduce us but…I didn’t realize his daughter was a secret mastermind.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” Sarah smiled, resting a hand on Y/n’s cart, “So…you’re dating my dad.”

Y/n nodded, “Seems that way, yeah.”

“Well, he really likes you,” Sarah replied, “Like, really likes you. He’s in a way better mood than usual.”

“Is he now?” Y/n inquired.

“He’s smiling all the time, he’s cooking,” Sarah’s face turned serious, “Which never happens ‘cause he kinda sucks at it. He’s even singing.”

Y/n raised an eyebrow, “Singing?”

Sarah nodded, “Uh-huh. Just under his breath, but still…”

Y/n was trying hard to restrain her grin, but Sarah was making it difficult. It was nice to know Joel was as uplifted by their short time together as she was. She’d practically been floating down the aisles.

“He’s just never this happy and…” Sarah shrugged one arm, “I really wanted to meet whoever was responsible.”

“Well,” Y/n smiled, “Your dad’s pretty great. And he loves you, never stops talking about how well you’re doing in school and in soccer…”

Sarah’s posture visibly improved upon hearing the compliments.

“Look, my dad’s never going to work up the nerve to let us all hang out together,” Sarah began to explain, “But the county fair’s on Friday night, me, him and Uncle Tommy are gonna go and it would be really fun if you came.”

Y/n inhaled deeply, a family outing. Was she ready for that? Were her and Joel at that point?

“I don’t know, Sarah,” she hesitate, “I should really talk to your dad first.”

“No,” Sarah urged, taking hold of one of Y/n’s hands, “He’ll just get all squirmy and frown and say that it’s not time yet.”

Y/n thought for a second, “He does frown a lot.”

“A lot,” Sarah chortled, Y/n joining in soon after, “Just think about it. Please?”

Y/n was between a rock and a hard place, or rather, the guy she was dating and his crafty daughter. She wanted Sarah to like her and they were already a step in the right direction. She didn’t want to blow it.

“Okay,” she relented, “I’ll think about it.”

“Yes,” Sarah cheered under her breath, still holding onto Y/n’s hand. “I gotta go, the bus is gonna be back any minute.”

As she moved to go, Y/n took a step forward. “I-I really don’t like the thought of you on the bus by yourself,” she objected, “Why don’t I drive you?”

“But you’re working,” Sarah replied.

Y/n gestured to the empty space around them. “I think they’ll survive without me for twenty minutes.”

Sarah gave a small smile, she was getting to spend more time with the woman she had a million questions about. Sneaking around had paid off substantially.

“Come on,” Y/n removed her apron, draped it across her cart and pulled her keys from her pocket, “You can tell me what your dad’s been singing on the way.”

The two girls headed out of the store, giggling to themselves as Sarah did an impression of her father humming old country tunes to himself while washing dishes.

—————————

Later that afternoon, Joel arrived to pick Y/n up for their quick coffee. When he arrived, she was nowhere to be found. After asking around, and finding out she had stepped out momentarily, he decided to wait at the empty checkout line for her.

Y/n walked back into the store with a new spring in her step. Sarah had not only spilled a lot of dirt on Joel, but she had talked about herself a lot. Y/n felt like she’d already been able to make a connection.

Joel spotted her before she did him, waving a little to catch her eye.

“Hey,” Y/n greeted, apprehension taking over.

“Hey,” Joel replied, his smiling fading the closer he got, “What’s that look?”

“What look?” Y/n asked, unaware of how nervous she appeared.

“You look like a kid with their hand caught in the cookie jar,” Joel smirked, taking her hand lightly into his, “What’s going on?”

Y/n sighed, she’d been trying to figure out how to broach the subject of Sarah all the way back to the store. Joel’s gentle touch was only heightening her nerves. “Why don’t I drive us to coffee?”

Joel squinted in confusion, “Okay…”

The two of them drove off in Y/n’s old Toyota, but she waited until they had their drinks in hand and were walking down the main street to start talking.

“So Sarah came by today,” she blurted out.

Joel nearly choked on the sip he’d been taking, “My Sarah?”

“Uh-huh,” Y/n nodded, anxiously holding the cup close to her chest.

“H-how’d she get down the-“ Joel began to ask before pressing his lips together and shutting his eyes, “She took the bus, didn’t she?”

“Yep,” Y/n answered.

Joel sighed, he was already starting to find grey hairs across his head. Sarah was going to turn the whole thing silver before she was 16.

“She said she was tired of waiting for you to introduce us so she was going to do it herself,” Y/n retold the story.

“Yeah, sounds like her…” Joel replied with a loud sigh, “Look, I know you wanted to meet her-“

“Yeah, but I was perfectly fine with waiting,” Y/n was quick to say, “You said you wanted to do this the right way.”

“Yeah, well, the right way was decided for us,” Joel sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “So what’d you two talk about?”

Y/n smirked over her coffee cup, details of the conversation still fresh in her mind. “Girl stuff,” she answered, quickly taking a drink.

“Why don’t I believe you?” Joel asked with an eyebrow cocked.

“She, uh, she invited me to the fair this weekend,” Y/n changed topics, “With you guys.”

“Ah,” Joel nodded, he didn’t know whether or not to thank Sarah for speeding his relationship up. Lord knows, he was too nervous to do it.

Y/n held a hand up to Joel, “But I didn’t give her an answer. I wanted to talk to you first.”

With the obstacle of Sarah’s approval out of the way, there was nothing to stop him from saying yes. And he didn’t want there to be, he was just used to using excessive caution around his family that anything else felt unnatural. 

“You should come,” Joel answered, turning to Y/n with a shy smile.

Y/n inched back a little, placing her hand on Joel’s arm, “Are you sure? Joel, I don’t want to insert myself anywhere.”

“How can you insert yourself somewhere you were invited?” Joel replied, settling his hand over Y/n’s, “Come.”

Taking a deep breath, Y/n knew that this was a big step for them. Joel’s daughter was his world, and Y/n was being given the privilege of being a part of it.

She blew out her cheeks, “Okay.”

Joel’s smile was earnest, rubbing his thumb over the back of Y/n’s hand. 

“If all goes well, I won’t have to hide you so much,” he said.

“Yeah, I don’t think you’re doing that great a job,” Y/n chuckled at Joel’s confusion, “Johnny Cash?”

Joel’s face turned sour, “Can’t believe she told you ‘bout that.”

“Hey, I thought it was a cute story,” Y/n held her hands up in surrender, “Your daughter thought it was a laugh riot.”

Joel lightly rolled his eyes, letting them rest afterwards on Y/n’s face. A stray bit of hair had fallen in her face, thanks to the breeze, and Joel brushed it away, cupping her cheek.

Joel and Y/n had made the decision that they wouldn’t take their relationship any further without having Sarah’s approval. They had yet to even kiss.

“If this works out,” Y/n started, “You’re not gonna be able to get rid of me.”

“Who says I want to?” Joel muttered, their close proximity allowed him to lower his voice.

They both knew if they stayed in the moment a second longer, their wills could cave. Y/n shoved her coffee cup between their mouths, allowing them both a breathy laugh.

“Come on,” Joel reached down and clasped Y/n’s hand, “I gotcha for a little while longer.”

The two of them walked off into the Austin evening, savoring every short second they got together.

—————

2023. Somewhere in rural America.

Joel, Ellie and Y/n had been driving for one day and no one had yet to end up in a body bag. A win if ever there were one.

That wasn’t to say they hadn’t come close. Joel and Y/n’s truce was an uneasy one and with the promise made to Ellie that they’d get along, their arguments had phased to thin lipped smiles barely concealing their disdain for one another. Still, their guns had stayed in the holsters. That was progress.

Joel pulled over at an abandoned gas station somewhere, needing to refuel. Ellie headed off to the bathrooms while Y/n and Joel went about setting up the siphon.

As Y/n handed Joel a rag, she noticed the state of his hand. It was still healing, and after using it so much in one day, it was beginning to shake.

48 hours ago, she would have let him suffer, but in the interest of a truce…

“Here,” she scooted closer, taking the siphon into her hand.

“I got it,” Joel protested.

“I know you do,” she placated him, gently prying his hand off the device, “Now move.”

She inched him out of the way and took over attaching the device. Joel crouched next to her in the dust, he felt useless if he wasn’t working.

Footsteps signaled that Ellie was coming back. She glanced over the abandoned car at Y/n and Joel.

“We have to do this every hour?”  

“Gas breaks down over time,” Joel answered, “This stuff’s almost water. Back in the day, we’d drive 10, 12 hours on one tank. You could go anywhere.”

“So where’d you go?” Ellie asked.

Y/n continued working, bouncing the memories off that threatened to stick in her mind. 

“Pretty much nowhere,” Joel answered, it was technically the truth, but so there was unclaimed life resting in his ‘pretty much.’

Y/n huffed a large breath into the siphon, the gasoline dripping into their canister.

“Nice,” Ellie complimented, “How does that work?”

“It’s a siphon,” Joel explained as Y/n monitored their levels, “It’s when liquid…travels against gravity because pressure-“

Ellie nodded smugly, “You don’t know.”

“I know it works,” Joel quickly replied.

Y/n smirked and looked over her shoulder, “Please teach us more about physics, professor.”

Joel frowned at his ex before turning his attention back to a walking Ellie, “No wandering.”

Ellie thought a moment, “Okay,” she went into her backpack, “This is your fault then.”

She whipped out a small paperback that made Y/n shut her eyes in exhaustion. “Oh, sweet Moses, not that book…” she muttered.

Joel started to speak, “Wha-“

“‘It doesn’t matter how much you push the envelope,’” Ellie recited, “‘It’ll still be stationary.’”

Joel blinked, Y/n let her forehead rest against the car.

“‘No Pun Intended: Volume Too’ by Will Livingston,” Ellie held up the book to Joel, “Volume Too. Look, you get it? Too? Like t-o-o?”

Joel mumbled something under his breath and got up.

“‘What did the mermaid wear to her math class?’” Ellie asked her captive audience, building tension in the silence, “‘An algae bra,” she laughed, “Like algae bra. ‘I stayed up all night-“

“No,” Joel shook his head, like that word carried an ounce of power with Ellie.

“‘Wondering where the sun went,” the girl continued, “‘And then it dawned on me.”

“Feel free to wait in the truck,” Joel suggested, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Well, Y/n thought it was funny,” Ellie retorted, she’d tested the jokes our on her watcher back in the QZ.

“I laughed at one out of, like, fifteen, Ellie,” Y/n grunted as she got to her feet, “That’s not the win you think it is.”

“Okay, but just know,” Ellie held up the book again, “You can’t escape Will Livingston. He’ll be back. There’s nothing you can do to stop him.”

Ellie took her backpack and her jokes and walked back to the Chevy, leaving Joel and Y/n by themselves.

“You get that book,” Joel started, trying to break the silence, “I’ll roll down the window.”

“Oh, that’s not even the worst of ‘em,” Y/n replied, wiggling the toe of her boot into the ground, “But they make her smile. Like I’m in any position to put a stop to that.”

Joel glanced over at Y/n, taking a temperature reading of her once again. It was hard to see so much of the person you’d once loved with your whole heart mixed with who they’d become. Every once in a while, he got flashes of his ex-girlfriend in the light she used to radiate. But something inevitably came through and blew out her flame. More than often, all it took was his mere presence.

“We should be good,” he said, changing his train of thought and kneeling down to pack up the siphon.

Y/n took the gas they’d collected and carried it back to the truck. Heavy as it was, she wasn’t about to ask Joel to help her. She’d lived through twenty years of their dystopian hell-space, a gas can wasn’t about to best her.

Once the truck was filled up, Joel and Y/n hopped in the front seats with Ellie sitting in the back.

“Must’ve been some truck,” Ellie commented, staring out the back window at the fleet deserted vehicles.

“Yeah, they used to stick big-ass plows on them and clear the roads for their tanks and such,” Joel said.

Ellie spun around in her seat, “I wanna see a tank!”

“You will,” Joel replied, “Tanks, choppers, all that stuff. But they’ll fight the wrong enemy. Just scattered around now.”

By now, Joel was background noise to Ellie as she dug around the back of Bill’s truck.

“I got somethin’,” she announced proudly, waving another cassette tape in between Y/n and Joel. “Here, does this make you all nostalgic?”

Joel took the tape from her, it was Hank Williams. Y/n and him shared a sideways glance, if Ellie had any musical knowledge, they’d have been insulted. 

“This is actually before our time,” Joel handled the cassette.

“Great,” Ellie settled back in her seat, unamused.

“Doesn’t mean it’s not good,” Y/n stated, watching Joel pop the tape into the player and adjust the volume.

The speakers flooded with the warm sounds of the country legend. Something about it made both Joel and Y/n relax into their seats a little more.

“Oh, man,” Joel mumbled to himself, briefly closing his eyes and letting the music wash over him.

“Yeah,” Y/n absentmindedly replied, staring out her window.

“Got somethin’ else,” Ellie announced, the sounds of magazine pages flipping behind Joel and Y/n, “It’s, uh, light on the reading, but it has some interesting pictures.”

Y/n and Joel peered into the dashboard mirror, catching a graphic cover. Their protests overlapped.

“Oh, no, no, no, put that back.”

“Ellie, don’t read that.”

“That’s not for kids, Ellie.”

“There’s nothing you need to see-“

Ellie opened up the centerfold of the x-rated magazine, her jaw dropping at the sight, “How would he even walk around with that thing?”

“Ellie,” Y/n unbuckled her seat belt, flipping around in her chair and stretching into the backseat, “Put it back.”

The girl slid to Joel’s side of the truck, too far away for Y/n to reach. “Hold you horses,” she argued, “I wanna see what all the fuss is about.”

While Joel watched nervously through the mirror, Y/n was not so easily defeated. She kept clawing at the air, trying to rip the magazine out of Ellie’s hands. Ellie turned away just enough so Y/n’s fingertips barely touched the paper.

“Why are all the pages stuck together?” Ellie asked.

“Uh,” Joel elongated, unsure of what to do, “The-“

“I’m just fuckin’ with you,” Ellie burst into laughter, reaching past Y/n and slapping Joel’s shoulder with the magazine.

Y/n slid back into her seat, moving as far away as she could from Joel’s shoulder.

Ellie unrolled the back window, the whipping winds blowing through the truck. She tossed the magazine out with a grin, “Bye-bye, dude!”

Y/n sighed and put her hand to her temple, nearly laughing at the absurdity of the moment.

They drove for most of the day, answering Ellie’s occasional question, but mostly sitting in silence. Somberness would fall over the truck whenever they passed by some piece of the old world, ruined and rusted by time. They drove by an abandoned amusement park, a rickety coaster still standing. A sign for what used to be a Love’s truck stop. A bridge that had collapsed at some point in the last two decades. To Ellie, it was a lost future. To Joel and Y/n, it was the world they didn’t know if they’d ever see again.

When the skies grew began to grow dark, there wasn’t much driving left for them to do.

“All right,” Joel announced to the truck, “That’s enough for the day.”

One part of their agreement was that Y/n would trust Joel’s ability to get them to Wyoming. Her rebellion against his every word made her want to argue that they could go a little longer, but she was trying to keep up her end of the deal.

Joel pulled off the main road and drove them into the nearby forest. They set up camp deep enough that they were hidden, but close enough to the road to escape quickly, should the need arise. Joel and Y/n took care of preparing dinner, using a portable stove and cutlery they’d taken from Bill’s house.

Eventually, they all sat down to a lukewarm meal of ravioli. Ellie practically inhaled it while Joel and Y/n tried to make it last.

“Slow down,” Joel cautioned.

“This is slow,” Ellie replied with a full mouth, “What am I even eating?”

“That is 20-year-old Chef Boyardee ravioli,” Joel answered.

“That guy was good,” Ellie complimented, stuffing another piece in her mouth.

Joel stared down at his meal, “I actually agree.”

Y/n swirled a piece around her plate, “It’s technically food.”

“How long are we staying out here?” Ellie inquired.

“I figure I sleep tonight,” Joel answered, “And drive tomorrow, all day, all night, and get us to Wyoming by next mornin’.”

“You know I can take a shift, right?” Y/n asked, Joel’s stony silence served as his reply, “Ah, so you do know and you’re choosing to ignore it.”

“In the interest of gettin’ us there the quickest, it’s better I drive,” he stated.

“Yes, navigating a highway,” Y/n retorted, taking a sarcastic tone, “That’s men’s work.”

“What happened to getting along?” Ellie smirked as she watched the exchange.

Joel and Y/n glanced over at her and backed down. They had to watch themselves.

“So can we start a fire?” Ellie changed the subject, “I’m freezing.”

“Now, why am I gonna tell you no?” Joel replied shortly.

Ellie shrugged in defeat, “Because Infected will see the smoke.”

“No, fungus isn’t that smart,” Joel said, “This is too remote for Infected, anyway.”

“People?” Ellie came back with.

Joel nodded.

“So what are they gonna do? Rob us?”

“Oh, they’ll have way more in mind than that,” Joel answered, never once looking up from his plate.

Y/n had lived a vastly different life than Joel had, post apocalypse, but she knew the horrors people willingly committed against each other. Being cold for a night was the ideal.

Once the sun set, the three of them rolled out their sleeping bags, another courtesy of Bill and Frank, and set up for the night. Y/n laid her head next to Ellie’s, while Joel stayed on the complete opposite side of them.

Ellie took a whiff of the inside of her bag, “Actually smells kinda good.”

“Well, that would be Frank’s then,” Joel quipped.

“If mine smells like gunpowder,” Y/n held her sleeping bag up, “I’m gonna assume-“

“Bill,” Joel took no time in answering.

Y/n nodded, “Copy that.”

Before they could lay down for the night, Joel and Y/n made a point of each checking their shotguns and laying them at their sides.

Ellie and Y/n nestled into their accommodations beside one another, Ellie pulling something out of her backpack before switching the lantern off and turning on her flashlight. Y/n’s back was turned, or else she would have put a stop to what was about to happen

“Joel?” Ellie eventually called out, “Y/n? Joel?”

“What?” Joel jumped to attention, he still moved with the urgency of a father. 

Y/n turned over, “What is it?”

“Can I ask you a serious question?”

“Yeah,” Joel said for both of them.

Ellie sighed deeply, “‘Why did the scarecrow get an award?’”

Y/n and Joel both looked over at the same time to shoot Ellie a glare. She kept a straight face as if she really needed the answer.

“Because he was outstanding in his field,” Joel answered.

Y/n groaned, “Oh, God, there’s two of you.”

“You dick,” Ellie laughed, “Did you read this?”

“No,” Joel turned over, smirking only to himself, “Now go to sleep.”

Ellie victoriously smiled, having successfully chipped away at a little bit of the ice man’s exterior.

“Admit it,” Ellie whispered to Y/n, “You like them.”

“I will smother you in your sleep,” Y/n mumbled into her pillow. She’d never admit to cracking a smile.

They had just settled back into the sleepy silence when Ellie spoke up again, this time truly serious.

“Those people you said…there’s no way anyone knows we’re here, right? No one’s gonna find us.”

Joel and Y/n both stiffened, they could only guarantee so much. Where they were was as close to safe as they could get. But that wasn’t something you told a scared kid who wouldn’t admit to being scared. You gave them hope, confidence.

“No one’s gonna find us,” Joel confirmed.

“Okay,” Ellie accepted the answer and flipped over. 

Y/n lay on her back, staring up at the stars. Her paranoia had softened the longer she survived, but laying in the middle of the open woods with a big flashing red sign above that read ‘FREE KILL HERE’ was resuscitating it.

A few feet away, Joel was feeling the same thing. He couldn’t pretend like he was fearless leaving himself completely vulnerable. And now that he knew Ellie was nervous, it only woke him up further. He eyed the shotgun, calculating in his head how little sleep he could make the drive on. If he counted on Y/n to take one of the shifts, they could still make good time…

They both unzipped their sleeping bags at the same time, turning to one another in the dark. No matter how hard they tried, they were on the same wavelength.

Y/n sighed, “You take the first shift?”

Joel’s nod had a heaviness to it, “Yeah.”

Y/n settled back onto her side, this time facing where Joel was heading to take up his post. She fell into an uneasy sleep, only after keeping watch over Joel until her exhaustion forced her to stop.

——————

It was a few hours later, Joel eyelids were beginning to droop. His ears were beginning to ring. He needed sleep.

After doing one last scan of the area, he walked back to their campsite. He came over to Y/n’s sleeping bag, ready to wake her, but stopped.

He stared down at her, her lips slightly parted, her hair framing her face and her lashes fanned across her cheeks. The frown she carried throughout the day faded in sleep, softening to a content expression as if she was between the bliss of unconsciousness and the evil of the waking world. It was the most at peace Joel had seen her in the last few days.

He couldn’t bring himself to wake her up.

She’d be mad at him in the morning, he knew it. She’d berate him for thinking he didn’t need her and probably make a crack about him falling asleep at the wheel. That was fine, he thought as he went back to his post, he’d take it. Anger and nostalgia were waging a battle within him, and right now, he was allowing his wistful memories to win.

——————

Y/n woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and the rustling of something in their truck. Seeing that Joel wasn’t in his sleeping bag, she grabbed her shotgun and bolted upright. The barrel of the weapon found Joel, packing up the truck, cocking a brow at her.

Y/n exhaled and set down her gun, running a relieved hand over her face. “You didn’t wake me up,” she said when she came to fully.

“I had it covered,” Joel said softly, not wanting to wake Ellie yet.

“I didn’t ask that,” Y/n replied as she stretched, already annoyed with him. She rolled out of her sleeping bag and got to her feet. “Well, I’m driving this morning. I’m not ending up dead just because you’re stubborn.”

Joel didn’t look up as he tied his sleeping bag up. Right on cue.

“Coffee’s on,” he changed the subject.

Y/n felt like Joel knew that would distract her enough to move on. He wasn’t wrong. She reached over to grab her backpack, feeling around for her travel mug. Her hand graced the plastic butterfly she’d taken from Joel’s apartment, freezing as she did.

Grief, much like heartbreak, had to be danced around. If you got too close, self destruction would swallow you whole. Y/n collected her thoughts and led them back to where she was, quickly finding her mug and zipping the pack up again.

Ellie rolled over, awake finally, and sniffed the air. She scooted over to where Joel had the coffee boiling and carefully opened the lid. 

“Ugh,” she gagged, “What the fuck is that?”

Joel turned to her, “You don’t like coffee?”

Ellie grimaced, watching the bubbling brew a second longer before throwing the lid back down and rolling back onto her pillow.

“Uh-uh,” Y/n shook her head, nudging Ellie with her boot, “Up and at ‘em, come on.”

Ellie stuck her middle finger out, “Fuck you, man.”

“Up,” Y/n repeated, tugging on the bottom of Ellie’s sleeping bag.

The girl moaned and sat up, glaring at Y/n, who went to pour her mug of coffee. Whether it was the first sip of caffeine shifting her mood or she simply was making an effort, she wasn’t sure, but when Joel walked over with his mug, Y/n poured it for him.

“Thanks,” Joel mumbled, “Why don’t I drive for three hours, you take over after?”

“Two,” Y/n countered, “Those bags under your eyes make you look like you’re in a fucking Tim Burton movie.”

Joel sighed, remembering the truce. “Fine.”

Y/n and Joel finished packing up their supplies and the three of them were back on the road in minutes.

“Is that what the Starbucks in the QZ used to sell?” Ellie asked, eyeing Joel’s mug.

“Well, there’s was a lot fresher than what Bill saved up, but yeah,” Joel answered, “This is what they sold.”

“The world used to run on this stuff,” Y/n added.

“Smells like burnt shit,” Ellie mused, smirking over at Joel.

Joel, straight faced as could be, raised his mug and took a big slurping sip. Y/n bit down on her lip to keep from rewarding him a laugh. 

“Eyes on the map,” Joel ordered.

“76 west and then 70 west for, like, ever…” Ellie read, Y/n had taught her how to navigate directions and she was still getting the hang of it.

“Where in Wyoming did you say your brother was?” Ellie asked Joel.

“Last contact came through a radio tower close to Cody,” Joel answered.

Ellie scanned the map, “Cody. Cody…Cody…ah, man. That is deep up in there.”

Y/n peekd over Ellie’s shoulder to take a look, “Do you know where he would have gone other than there?”

“Odds are he’ll be near a settlement,” Joel answered, “Probably close to another city out there. Ain’t too many of ‘em in Wyoming.”

The second part of his reply was meant more for Ellie. She was getting a crash course in geography.

“Chee-Yen,” she read off.

“Cheyenne,” Joel corrected, he’d studied that map so intensively that he could have found his way around the state blindfolded.

“Chey- really?” Ellie double checked before reading again, “Cheyenne…Laramie…Casper? What’s his name?”

“Whose name?” Joel asked, avoiding the question another five seconds.

“Your brother,” Ellie replied.

Joel paused, “Tommy.”

A wave of nostalgia crashed around Y/n, hearing his name made her think of cheap beer and belly laughter.

“Younger or older?” Ellie continued to question Joel.

“Younger.”

“Why isn’t he with you?”

Joel sighed, stretching his neck out slightly, “A long story.”

“Is it longer than 25 hours? ‘Cause I think that’s what we got,” Ellie asked, turning around to Y/n, “Do you know?”

“No, I don’t,” Y/n clocked Joel in the dashboard mirror, “And if I’m risking my life to find him, I think I deserve to know.”

Joel met her eyes in a fleeting glance, she was backing him up against a wall.

“Tommy’s what we used to call a “joiner,” he began to explain, “Dreams of becomin’ a hero. So he enlisted in the Army right outta high school. A few months later, they ship him off to Desert Storm,” he allowed for Ellie’s confused gaze, “That’s what they called that war, it doesn’t matter. Point is, bein’ in the Army didn’t make him feel much like a hero. Cut to twelve years late, outbreak happens. He convinces me to join a group makin’ their way up to Boston, which I did…mostly to keep an eye on him, keep him alive.”

Y/n’s stomach turned, she wasn’t just hearing about what had become of Tommy…she was hearing about what had happened to Joel after they broke up. Gaps she’d wanted filled for twenty years.

“It’s where we met Tess,” Joel continued, breaking for a sip of coffee, “And that whole crew, we, uh…well, for what it was, it worked. And then Tommy meets Marlene. She talks him into joinin’ the Fireflies. Same mistake he made when he was eighteen,” Joel’s tone turned bitter, his voice quivering an almost undetectable amount, “Wants to save the world. Pipe dream. Him. Fireflies, all of ‘em…” he didn’t dare meet Y/n’s eyes, “Delusional.”

Y/n lifted her feet up and hugged her knees, she knew the remark was meant for both her and Tommy. And while her anger with Joel hadn’t lost its momentum, she let him continue. He needed to get it all out.

“‘Course last I heard, he quit the Fireflies too,” Joel went on, “So now he’s on his own out there, and…I gotta go get him.”

The car was washed in a somber silence. Only one of them was brave enough to break it.

“If you don’t think there’s hope for the world,” Ellie said, “Why bother going on? I mean, you gotta try, right?”

“You haven’t seen the world,” Joel said, a little wistful, “So you don’t know. You keep goin’ for family. That’s about it.”

The five words pierced through Y/n’s heart, the wooden arrow splintering inside the chambers. Each syllable was like taking a knife to the carefully placed stitches around her soul.

“I’m not family,” Ellie said, blissfully unaware of the situation surrounding her.

“No,” Joel agreed, “You’re cargo. And I made a promise to Tess. And she was like family.”

Numbness set in and Y/n rested her head against the window, focusing on the rolling fields of rural America. If Ellie wasn’t in the car, she would have let herself go off on Joel, but it wasn’t the time.

“What if you don’t find him?” Ellie asked the man.

“I will,” Joel replied,

“How do you know?” 

“I’m persistent,” Joel stated before switching gears, “You got up pretty early, if you wanna grab more sleep.”

Ellie scoffed, “I’m not even tired.”

Within a few minutes, Ellie was beginning to doze off. Y/n gently tapped her shoulder, gesturing for her to climb into the backseat. She helped pull her through and Ellie settled against the opposite window.

Joel drove them for an hour in silence before Y/n couldn’t stand being still anymore.

“Pull over,” she told him, “Let’s switch.”

Joel was tired enough to listen to her, stopping the car in the middle of the road. They unbuckled and got out, meeting at the front. 

“You’re wrong, you know,” Y/n said once they were face to face, “About Tommy, about the Fireflies…all of it.”

“You wanna prove me wrong, have at it,” Joel replied, disgruntled by the whole idea.

“Tommy wanting to be a hero is him wanting to help people,” Y/n kept going, “To fight. To do the right thing. When has that ever been a bad thing?”

Joel nearly scoffed, “Maybe when it gets him killed.”

“If he’s still here after all these years, maybe you need to stop looking at him like he’s some idiot kid. You don’t get to judge the people who are trying to get some of this,” Y/n spread her arms out to the wide open space around them, “Any of this back. It’s a hell of a lot more than you seem to be doing.”

Joel rested a hand on the truck’s hood, “Maybe I don’t feel the need to waste my time on a pointless cause. Last time I checked, that was all the Fireflies ever accomplished.”

“At least I’m doing something,” Y/n fought back, “I’d rather spend the rest of my life on a pointless cause and go to sleep with what’s left of my soul than sell it to the devil and not recognize my own damn reflection.”

Joel felt the last part of her sentence push into his gut like the tip of a spear. She was hitting too close to home without knowing it.

“‘Keep going for family,’” Y/n repeated, practically spitting the last words, “When was the last time you fought for anything?”

Joel reached out, grabbing Y/n’s arm roughly as she turned away and spun her around. If she hadn’t dug her boots into the asphalt, she would have fallen right into him.

“You don’t know what I’ve fought for,” he growled, his eyes boring into hers.

Y/n’s chest rose and fell rapidly with rage, inching her face closer to his to show him she wasn’t afraid of him. “Neither do you,” she seethed.

Their breaths mingled in the few inches left separating their mouths. Neither one of them were making any real threats, there was simply too much tension between them to ensure a safe car ride. They needed to let it out.

Joel realized his fingers were digging into Y/n’s arm, it had happened when she had moved closer to him. Habits were tricky to break, but the body didn’t hold grudges like the mind.

The close proximity wasn’t lost on Y/n, but she was able to free herself from it before muscle memory took over. She yanked her arm out of Joel’s grip and took the keys from his other hand, stomping around to the driver’s seat and getting in. Joel unhappily followed, and their wordless journey continued…

—————————

Joel caught maybe thirty consecutive minutes of sleep while Y/n drove them. It wasn’t that she was a bad driver, he just wasn’t used to not being in control of a situation. He gripped the map tightly as they drove into downtown Kansas City.

Surrounding them were rusted abandoned vehicles, but the tunnel in which they needed to go through was blocked entirely by a semi. Y/n brought the car to a halt, glancing over at Joel knowingly.

“Wait here,” she told Ellie, who had just woken up.

Joel and Y/n got out, Joel grabbing their shotguns from the backseat. He handed hers over and the team took calculated steps towards the tunnel. Joel crouched down to get a peek at the open road waiting on the other side of the mess. The semi was parked that way deliberately.

Joel walked back to the truck, Y/n only a step behind him. They got back in their seats seat, Ellie squeezing over the glove compartment. 

“Where are we?”

“Kansas City,” Joel answered quickly, taking the map from her. The three of them studied it.

“How far back do we have to go to get around this?” Ellie asked.

Joel traced their route with his fingertip, Y/n tugged the map closer so she could study it too. There weren’t a lot of options if they had a prayer of getting to Wyoming within their time frame. They could either go back, costing them a few more hours, or take their chances passing through the city.

Y/n sighed, everything she was about to say went against what she wanted to say….

“It’s your call.”

Joel was honestly surprised that she had relented so quick. “Screw it,” he muttered, “Head back ‘round the tunnel, get on the next ramp. We’ll be back on the road, minute tops.”

Y/n put the truck in reverse and backed them up, swinging around a shoulder of road that would take them into the city.

“You guys are my eyes,” Y/n said as she navigated the first set of streets, 

“Tell me where to go.”

“Look for any signs,” Joel instructed while Ellie read the map.

They drove for about five minutes, having gotten no closer to finding the open road.

“Where the fuck is the highway?” Joel complained.

“I can’t tell from this,” Ellie let her hand fall against the map, “I’m all turned around.”

Joel was trying to help Ellie navigate while also keeping an eye peeled for potential threats. “Well, don’t look at the state map, look at the inset,” he directed.

Ellie groaned, “Well, I don’t know where we are in that either! This is my second day in a fucking car, man. I mean, I think we’re heading north?”

“I don’t even see any fucking signs,” Y/n mentioned.

“It’s gotta be the right,” Joel said, shaking his head, ”What the fuck?”

“Y/n stop,” Ellie exclaimed.

Y/n threw on the brake, bringing them to a halt in the middle of the street.

“Is that the QZ?” Ellie asked, her eyes wide as she peered over Y/n, “Where the fuck is FEDRA?”

Joel and Y/n got a look at where the Quarantine Zone should have been, zero military presence. That was unfathomable.

“Hey,” a voice called, their attention was drawn to a man limping towards their truck, “Please help.”

Y/n and Joel’s blood ran cold, they knew exactly what was about to go down.

“Put your seatbelt on,” Joel told Ellie, throwing his on as well.

“Aren’t we gonna help him?” Ellie asked innocently.

Y/n said a silent prayer to anyone who was listening for survival.

“No,” Joel answered, looking to his ex, “Drive. Now.”

Y/n pressed her foot down on the gas pedal, the “injured” leaping out of the way. The man cried something out she couldn’t hear over the blood pounding in her ears.

“Y/N!” Ellie screamed.

Y/n was too busy driving to see what Ellie and Joel were watching, but the message was received when a large object got dropped on their windshield. Y/n swerved, Joel reached over to steady the wheel as she regained control. In their mad dash effort, they didn’t notice the strip of nails ahead of them. The truck shook as its tires began to deflate. 

“Fuck!” Y/n yelled, “What do we do?”

“Hard right into that building,” Joel shouted, there was another guy in their path, “Now!”

Instincts ignored, Y/n pulled to the right, holding her breath as they smashed through the glass windows of the nearest building.

——————

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[wwinterwitch]

questions — joel miller x fem!reader

summary: after a night at the bar, joel walks you home and you finally confess what has been on your mind since the night everything fell apart pairing: joel miller x fem!reader word count: 3.9k warnings and tags: doesn't really follow canon but sill minor spoilers for ep. 6 i guess?, angst with a good ending, alcohol consumption, reader is drunk, joel being joel, miscommunication, sharing feelings go wrong, i'm not used to write angsty fics i'm sorry if this sucks author's note: omg omg happy finale day!! i wrote this listening to question...? by taylor swift so that's what inspired this concept, also this was supposed to be a tiny little blurb idk how we got to almost 4k words but okay i guess

a reblog and/or comment on my posts really help me out as a content creator so thank you in advance if you take the time to do either!

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Before tonight you were fine.

You barely even thought about him in that way. You barely remember the way his skin feels against yours, or the way a simple kiss from him would leave you begging for more. It was like all those nights you two would stay up talking about whatever, his arms around you and your back pressed against his chest, never existed.

Training your heart not to long for him and your brain to keep him out of your thoughts was no easy job at first. It was almost impossible for your body not to want him close. Not being able to talk to him about whatever was on your mind and knowing he no longer will reach out to share even his most profound secrets was absolute torture. Walking next to him all day without being able to reach out for his hand or stop for a quick second just to hold him close to you was a living nightmare that you couldn't wake up from.

Because how could he be so easy to forget? Joel Miller. The first and only person you've fallen in love with. That special someone that opened up a door to a whole new world that you never realized you were dying to discover until he was standing in front of you, his extended hand being an open invitation to walk all these unfamiliar roads and witness the beauty of it all together.

It was new and scary and beautiful. You were addicted to loving him before you even realized exactly what it was. From the moment you were able to put a name to this new feeling he taught you, you vowed to be his for as long as he'll have you- but what a shame it was to realize that the ending to a seemingly long story was already written at the very back of the page.

Perhaps your love blinded you enough to believe he had fallen just as hard, only to realize he was still standing at the edge of the precipice, staring down as you fell into the darkness of the abyss. Perhaps it's the fact that death is all around that makes it impossible for anything to be born. Why would you be able to live a fairytale in the middle of a horror show? What could possibly make you so special?

At least he doesn't seem to be affected by the fact that you two drifted apart. It's not like he's the best at sharing his feelings to other people, his ever-frowning gaze always present in his face no matter the circumstance, but you were still hoping that maybe he cared enough to show you he's hurting even just a little bit.

That should be comforting, right? To know he's perfectly fine and that you never cross his mind in that way. He doesn't have the need to apologize or make it right. He doesn't regret what happened and it never plays back in his head as he curses at himself for not doing things differently. You and your...relationship? are that easy to forget.

No. It's not comforting at all. If anything, it makes everything worse.

You can still remember the night you told him you loved him. A moment in your painfully short history together that you wish you could erase. A disappointing ending to what could've been an absolute masterpiece.

Ellie was already asleep and the two of you were keeping watch. He insisted you should get some sleep but you wanted to stay with him. He wasn't a fan of showing you any type of affection since Ellie joined the two of you, so the nights are the only chance you have to be closer. It was like the moon and stars were your best of friends at that point, because they meant he could finally be yours.

The confession slipped from your lips in a quiet whisper. A simple and timid "I think I'm falling in love with you" was all you offered. It's not hard to remember the way your hands would slightly tremble, or the rapid beating of your heart. It's as unforgettable as the confidence you were feeling because despite being so nervous, you were certain that he'll say it back.

He never did. He didn't say it back that night, or the morning after, or any other morning that followed.

It was embarrassing to look back on it now that you know what happened next. You were snuggled up next to him, one of his arms wrapped around your shoulders. His eyes were fixated on the fireplace that helped to make the chilling air of the night a little more tolerable.

Staring at his handsome complexion without his permission was probably one of your favorite things to do. He had confided in you a couple of times that he couldn't understand why you enjoy it so much. That he's not this breathtaking sight that deserves to be contemplated in the way you do.

Truth is, he's the most hypnotizing sight of all. You didn't care about the roughness of his features or the years visible in the corner of his eyes, hair and beard. He's gorgeous and unique and yours. You could stare at him for hours and never get tired of it.

Like many times before, he caught you staring at him. And just like those times before, he made a gesture that should tell you he disliked that habit of yours, only to be betrayed by the smirk timidly forming on his lips not so long after.

It was then, with his eyes staring back at yours, that the verbal proclamation of your love for him invaded the quietness of the night.

And that's when his smirk magically disappeared. His eyes became dark with something you couldn't quite decipher at the time, still staring back at you but not really. It was clear he wasn't there with you anymore, too lost in his own thoughts to truly acknowledge your presence anymore.

Before you could even think of saying something else, he surprised you with an almost robotic "I think you should get some sleep".

Feeling more heartbroken and confused than ever, you did exactly that. You got up and joined Ellie, cuddling up in your sleeping bag with your back facing him. It's still a mystery to you how you were able to cry yourself to sleep that night without making a sound. How you were able to control the hurricane of emotions after telling the love of your life how you feel and him not caring about it in the slightest.

And suddenly, being in love was still new and scary but it had turned into something horrible.

You had to spend every second of every day with him after that, pretending nothing ever happened. He never brought it up either, so you decided to ignore it to avoid making a fool of yourself again. His reaction was enough to let you know he never really loved you, so you ran with it and tried to continue knowing whatever you two had or could have was no more.

But it was still difficult at times. Ellie kept asking you questions regarding you and Joel even weeks after the incident. She's not stupid. She could see you two weren't exactly friends, no matter how hard Joel tried to convince her otherwise. She's also not someone who settles for made up excuses or half truths, which made her push the subject until she got a good enough answer. That's why she continued coming to you for answers, because she knew he'll never talk about it.

It was only when you explicitly confirmed you two weren't just friends before quickly telling her it was completely over that she eventually let it be. After that, she also started to pretend nothing happened.

Jackson became pretty much the light at the end of a pitch back tunnel you thought was never-ending. You were excited to meet new people and have new things to do during the day, knowing it'll help to keep you busy, forcing Joel out of your head.

It was so exciting in fact, that it helped to make it seem as if the quick "she's the one I've been traveling with" that Joel used to introduce you to his brother wasn't that terrible.

Tommy, who much to your luck was nothing like his big brother, made sure to show you around and introduce you to a few people. He got you a house so you and Ellie could settle in and helped you find a job at the local library, officially starting your new life that didn't revolve around Joel.

In time, you found your place in the commune (as you and Ellie love to call it to tease Tommy). Joel was slowly becoming just a bad chapter in a much bigger story that you started to write for yourself, and you're loving the new plot that's unfolding across the blank pages.

However, all of that progress came crashing down tonight. Tommy's birthday was being celebrated at the local bar and there was no way you would ever miss it. Not only has he become a very good friend, but you also needed the distraction.

The familiar faces, the food and drinks made you forget about Joel's presence for most of the night and you barely made the effort to acknowledge his presence. Without being able to prevent it, your eyes accidentally met for a few seconds. It was almost sickening that everything about that half-a-second-look was so much like a movie. You were laughing at something a friend had said before you finished your third drink of the night, casually scanning the room to catch Joel already looking your way.

He smiled and you barely smiled back before focusing on the conversation with your friends again as if nothing happened. The alcohol might have motivated you enough to just not care anymore. To show him you really couldn't care any less to try to be nice after he was such an asshole when you were completely vulnerable before him.

The idea of not caring seemed tempting. Thinking the alcohol was helping, you continued drinking until you forgot about pretty much everything- which didn't take that long considering your alcohol resistance wasn't that good after a long time without drinking. You don't care about Joel, or the hours passing by, or the fact that you're probably making a complete fool of yourself giggling and dancing with a few friends that are probably as drunk as you are, if not more.

All the hype from being intoxicated started to wear off after a while, becoming more and more sleepy until you were practically dragging your feet towards the exit, putting on your coat and hat to prepare for the cold night outside.

"Looks like you had a good time," you hear Tommy comment in a mocking tone, sending a sympathetic smile your way.

"I did! Thanks for inviting me. And happy birthday to you again!" you exclaim cheerfully. "I hope I didn't make a fool of myself tonight."

"Oh, you definitely did," he mocked, chuckling lightly. "But hey, those dance moves you were pulling off back there? Best birthday gift I'll ever receive."

You looked positively embarrassed after his comment, but managed to laugh it off. "I guess that's good."

"It is," he immediately reassures you. "Let's get you home now, okay?"

"Oh, you don't have to go with me. You can't leave your own birthday party. It's okay, I got it."

"I want to make sure you get home safe. It's fine."

"Tommy, please. You should stay and have fun."

"I won't have fun if I'm worrying about you all night."

"I can take her," you suddenly hear Joel's voice behind you, which immediately made you roll your eyes because you really didn't want him around. He noticed the gesture but didn't seem to care about it in the slightest, putting on his jacket. "I was heading out anyway."

Tommy couldn't have known you really didn't want to be around his older brother, completely unaware of your history with him. Perhaps if you told him, he'll insist on going with you or find someone else that could walk you home. But you never told him what happened, so you're stuck with Joel. "Okay, great. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Thank you for coming," he says, allowing the two of you to leave.

The first few minutes outside in the snow have got to be the most awkward minutes of your entire life.

You tried not to stumble despite still being a bit drunk, not wanting to embarrass yourself in front of him. You're mad that he's here with you and you can't stand being alone with him.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

Oh, and of course he had to open his mouth. Because when has Joel ever done what you want him to do? It seems like he'll always do exactly the opposite of what you expect from him.

"Yes," was all you said.

"Just yes?" he tried again.

"Yes."

You heard him sigh. "So, no talking?"

"I'd really like that, actually."

The tone of your voice would've been enough to make him shut up for the entire walk. Even he seemed to be a little taken aback by the honesty of your answer because you could feel him staring at you for longer than usual before he focused on his boots as they left marks on the snow.

He didn't ask what was wrong because deep down he must've known. He can't not know. And in that drunken state you allowed yourself to be pity as you wished that he thinks about it every single day. That it tortures him. That he despises himself for breaking your heart and not doing something to make it right. That he looks back on it and hopes that he could go back.

But does he? Does he actually think about it every single day? Does he regret what happened? And if he does, why is he not trying to say he's sorry? Does he even want to say something at all?

It was almost as if the alcohol betrayed you. Or maybe it was your head that just allowed every barrier you have built these past few weeks to crumble down. Not caring turned into caring way too much and it was like you couldn't stop thinking about a hundred questions without being able to find a single answer to any of them.

Joel turns to look at you once again when he notices you stopped walking. Your head is spinning as more and more questions fill up your mind and you get frustrated because you know there's only one person who has all the answers.

Should you say something? Should you make a fool of yourself once again? It shouldn't be you. Why is he not doing something? How come you're the one who has to speak up about this? It's not fair.

But it was late, cold and you were just so drunk. And you know that no matter how much you try to move on, you'll never be truly okay until you hear an explanation as to why he broke your heart in such a vicious way. Even if he lies or tries to sugarcoat it, you deserve even the tiniest of explanations.

"Is everything okay?" he eventually asks, which only frustrates you more.

"Do you ever think about that night?" you let out almost immediately after, feeling the way your heart was beating faster than ever. As fast as the time you confessed your love for him.

He was quiet, so you decided to continue. "Do you ever wish you could go back and change the way it ended? Does...does it ever cross your mind or you seriously don't care?"

After those questions, Joel seemed to finally react. "Are we seriously doing this now?"

"If not now, when? You were clearly not going to say anything," you accused him, leaving him completely defenseless because he was very much avoiding ever bringing this up and you just called him out on it. "I just need to know why, Joel."

"I don't- let's get you home, okay?"

"Stop doing that! Stop trying to avoid this!" you exclaimed with obvious exasperation, feeling the corner of your eyes burning due to the tears that would surely roll down your cheeks at any point. "I was in love with you and you weren't decent enough to at least tell me you didn't feel the same way! Don't you think I deserved at least that?"

"We can talk about this tomorrow..."

"No, fuck that. I waited long enough," you quickly interrupted. "I was so patient with you. I gave you your space when you said you weren't sure about us, I respected your decision of being discreet in front of Ellie, I stood up for you countless of times when I shouldn't have. I did so much for you and you can't even look me in the eye and give me an explanation!"

"It's not-"

"You've got to be the biggest asshole I've ever met. And you know what's the worst part of this? That I'm still expecting shit from you. I still hope that you'll say you're sorry for breaking my heart and acting like you never did something wrong. I'm so fucking stupid to believe that you actually-"

"I was afraid!" he practically shouted, hoping that would stop your rambling. It seemed to work, because you were silent as soon as he said that. "There. Are you happy?"

"Don't put this on me," you immediately snap back.

Joel sighs yet again and takes a second to calm down, knowing that if he gets defensive this will end much worse. It's time to accept he fucked up and stop trying to act like he didn't.

"I'm sorry," he finally said. "For this and for what I said that night. I should've been honest with you."

Now it was you the one who was silent, taken aback by his reaction. Usually, he'll try to come on top by creating any type of argument until he's able to get the last word. An actual apology was definitely not something you were expecting.

"I don't like people. I keep my distance and everyone else stay away from me in return. I like distance," he explains. "But then you came along and it was impossible to stay away. No matter how hard I tried, I'd always come back to you. I started to need you and it was scary because I should be keeping my distance."

Silence. Absolute silence. You were surprised to hear him being so honest with you, but you were also feeling a bit nostalgic because deep down you missed being the person Joel would go to when he needed someone to talk to. Even when it was difficult for him to open up, he always tried his best to rely on you whenever he needed it. Needless to say, it made you feel very special.

"When you said you loved me I didn't know what to do. It felt so...definitive. Because I knew that deep down I was falling for you too and if I said something that'd mean I'd never be able to let you go. And it was so scary to think of giving in to that feeling because...because I couldn't allow myself to care again."

You knew exactly what he meant by that. His daughter is not a topic he particularly enjoys bringing up, but you've heard a few things about her. And honestly, you couldn't really blame him for being scared. Despite all these years, losing his kid in the way he did has got to be the worst pain he'll ever experience. Of course he'll want to run away in the opposite direction when he starts seeing the similarities.

It doesn't excuse the fact that he avoided you, but you would never pretend like his feelings weren't valid.

He was scared of loving you because with love comes the inevitable attachment to that person forever. You care so deeply, the mere idea of ever losing that person shatters your world completely. And he knows what that loss feels like. He couldn't experience that again.

"Besides, you know me. You know I'm a mess. I couldn't let you ruin your life by loving me, because I'd just let you down- which I did, so I was right. So instead of saying something, I just said what I thought would help to make you not love me anymore. If I couldn't keep my distance, I had to do something so you'll want to stay away from me."

Once again, Joel was doing exactly the opposite of what you expected. He poured his heart out to you, sounding so honest and vulnerable. You've only heard him being this sincere whenever he would mention Sarah or that one time when you both stayed up talking in depth about your relationship with Ellie.

Tears started to roll down your cheeks as predicted as you stared at him. You don't know whether to hug him or punch him at this point.

"You're such an asshole," was all you could say.

The comment made him chuckle, but it was evident he was holding back his own tears. "I know."

"But that's exactly why I loved you. I know what you've been through, I knew you were a challenge and I was willing to work on it for as long as it would take us. The decision of whether I wanted to love you or not was never yours to make."

"I was trying to save you from having to deal with me."

"What if I didn't want to be saved?"

"Well, I think it's already too late for that," he replied. There was another pause that encouraged him to ask, "Is it? Too late?"

"I don't know," you replied. It was the truth.

"I can work with I don't know."

"What does that mean?" you asked curiously, wiping your tears away.

"It means I'm willing to make it right this time," he replied. "If you let me."

You frowned just a little, failing to hold back the smile that appeared on your face just seconds later. "You know you'll have to really try if you want to fix this, right?"

"I know. It's okay. You're worth it."

So far, so good, you thought.

"This means no more hiding, no more trying to push me away, talking about your feelings..."

"I can handle it."

"Can you?" you asked in a much more serious tone. It sucked not being able to fully trust his word, but you both know you had your reasons not to. "I just don't want to get my hopes up again over nothing."

You watched as Joel took a step closer to you, reaching out to grab one of your hands. He examines your face, making sure you're okay with him touching you before he brings it up to his lips, gently kissing your knuckles. "I promise you this time will be different," he says, and he's looking at you with so much affection, it's impossible not to trust him.

[lskisms]

YOU, AT LEAST, WERE BUILT TO GO, J. MILLER

. . . which is why you are able to be loved

synopsis — joel is getting older, he is getting frail, and you, still in your youth, have to come to terms with it. you just have to do so much sooner than you thought when he’s hurt during your attempt to escape the university of eastern colorado.

genres &&. warnings — angst, hurt/comfort, (post) apocalypse &&. canon compliant, spoilers for ep. 6 “kin” and ep. 7 “left behind,” contemplation of death, canon-typical violence (wound, gore, blood, wound care), age-gap (reader is in their mid-late 20s).

word count — 3.2k

note from r — title comes from the poem “elegy for my innocence” by steven dunn. i suppose i need to introduce myself a little: i’m rhi, i’m 22, and i’m in my second to last semester of college where i’m majoring in english. obvi, a big fan of the last of us, but also resident evil (which is what i’ve based my account aesthetic on, courtesy of my beloved leon s. kennedy). my ask box is open for people who want to send in asks and things. i’m really looking forward to writing for my fellow joel miller lovers.

if your parents were still alive, if they were around to see the life you’ve carved for yourself over the last few months, you’re certain your dad would want to smack the shit out of you and your mother would disown you from the family faster than you could blink.

you can hear the chastising now: a man old enough to be your father? are you joking? what the fuck is wrong with you? this is not what we meant when we told you we wanted you to start a family. 

and you can’t fault them really. you are almost twenty years his senior, having been just a young child when the cordyceps outbreak decimated the world. if the world had stayed normal, if none of this had ever happened, you’d probably have a dead end corporate job that has you wanting to drop off the face of the earth at the end of every grueling day, married and going home to a man complacent and yielding in every aspect, never too sure of himself to assert any kind of dominance, stuck in his own dead end job that keeps you comfortable just enough.

but the world isn’t normal and it hasn’t been since 2003. and there’s nothing you can do about it. you feel like a child again, wholly the depiction of the angsty teen in dramas and romcoms, as you tell the ghosts of your parents that the heart wants what it wants and i can’t help that i fell in love with a man going starlight gray at his temples. it is wholly melodramatic, something that you would have seen in any number of teen dramas written by out-of-touch, old white men.

joel miller came into your life like a lone crimson leaf during the fall, sometime during your first few months at the boston quarantine zone. it wasn’t like he’d meant to because everything that man did and does is deliberate; he’d simply waltzed across your line of vision as you’d walked back to your apartment after a long day of doing menial chores, the new world equivalent of that mental-health-issue inducing corporate job that the older people of the zone talked about.

you’d heard of him, of course: joel miller, flown in from somewhere down south, a menace to anyone who crossed his path prior to his arrival in boston, a brother somewhere out in the midwest who had taken off and joined the fireflies. he was decidedly unapproachable, gruff and mean and stubborn. most people were more scared of him than they were of fedra for the simple fact that he was more deadly with his two bare hands than any fedra idiot (sorry, “soldier”) with a gun.

he wasn’t a person who you intended to mess around with, no matter how handsome you’d thought he was when you saw him that first time. but then you’d started hanging around with tess, one of very few people who had any kind of stable-enough connection with him and that had led to you meeting and hanging around with him too. tess invited you to go on runs with them, sneaking out of the zone at night to stretch your legs and look for supplies that fedra definitely had and refused to give up. she’d preached your capabilities to joel and, stubborn as he was, he’d allowed you to keep coming with them after the first time because you proved to be spry enough for things that he and tess had grown a little too old for: you were useful to him and that filled you with a kind of thrilling gratification.

by the time marlene had tasked your little trio with getting ellie out of the city, you were a year deep into your entanglement with joel where you did all the recreational talking and he was the one who made the deals with the fireflies, the fedra goons he had in his pocket, the people who had things to trade. it was a balance that worked well for you: joel was well-versed in persuasion when he wanted to be and you were seemingly the only person who could draw out the rare ghost of a smile or a laugh from him.

it was supposed to be a quick job, one that joel had insisted you sit out but you’d refused. just a quick round trip tpe thing, that’s what you’d said to him. we’ll be out and back before anybody even realizes we’re gone. 

that had gone belly-up, of course, because anything that involved the fireflies had at least a 99% chance of not turning out the way anyone planned. and when you’d left the museum, you were down a friend and up a whole ton of miles. joel had tried to convince you again to leave, but once more you’d refused. tess died for us, joel. i’m in this until the end because i’m making sure her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.

and he’d let you stay. even months after that discussion, you think that he must feel at least a tiny bit grateful that you’d argued with him over it, that you’d fought to tag along. you’re an extra set of eyes, of hands, someone capable of taking over when he needs a break, which is hardly ever because he’s still as ornery as always, but knowing that there’s someone there who can must be nice enough.

and you’re glad he’d given in for once in his life because he’s dying beneath your hands and you’re not sure what to do. he’s going sallow and gray on the concrete floor of this ransacked house, breathing raspy and eyes slipping between you and some far-off point above him. joel is dying and for the first time ever since entering his life, you’re useless.

“joel, stay awake, please,” you beg, clutching at his hand as you kneel beside him. “ellie, you have to stop the bleeding.”

“i’m trying,” the young girl snaps. when she looks up, all you see is a girl who is reliving a loss, a deer caught in headlights, frenzied and terrified. her hands press the cloth harder over joel’s stomach in an attempt to staunch the blood flow and the man groans.

“leave,” he mumbles and your head snaps to look at him. he cannot possibly be saying this right now, not after everything you’ve been through. “leave. head north, go back to jackson. find tommy.”

“like hell we will,” you reply, trying to channel as much of his stubbornness as you can. you’d rather give up and drop dead right now than leave him to die alone in some fucking house in colorado. “we’re gonna fix this, joel. we’re not leaving, i’m not leaving.”

he’s slipping again, eyes glazing over. you can tell he wants to fight with you, but he’s losing the energy for it. for any of it. ellie stills and then tosses his jacket over him in a bid to keep him warm. she fixes you with a look, his look that says stay with him, so you nod solemnly, brushing his hair back from his forehead. you hear her footsteps on the stairs and only when the door shuts behind her do you finally let yourself break, weeping openly over joel’s chest, rising and falling so, so shallowly.

falling in love with this man has been something beautiful, some kind of phoenix rising from the ashes of a long-dead world. over the last few months, you have come to learn the feel of his knuckles brushing against yours, the warmth of his chest against your back when you share a sleeping bag, the sound of his soft breaths as you’ve trekked through miles upon miles of woods and abandoned highways. you have come to appreciate those things, facets of him that only you are privy to, the only person to know the weight of his arm over your waist and feel of his breath against your shoulder.

but in doing so, in reveling in the knowledge that you are the sole person to experience these hidden away pieces of joel miller, you’ve forgotten just how much older he is than you are. that misty gray at his temples and in his beard have been so permanent, you’ve started to believe that he’s always looked like this, that it’s not a marker of his age. you’ve forgotten that he is older and growing frailer by the day, conveniently forgotten how his heart stutters and how his knees act up after hours and miles of walking.

you had always known, of course, that joel would eventually leave you, but not this soon. and not like this.

maybe it’s your fault for putting him on a pedestal: the great, unstoppable joel miller. in your mind, he’s untouchable, some formidable opponent who people fear because he’s strong and knows his way around a fight. it shouldn’t be a chunk of a broken baseball bat that ends his life because it’s not fair, none of this is fair. you’ve been a fool for thinking that the three of you, your unlikely little family, would make it out of this unscathed, for believing that you could live a life like bill and frank’s after this all was over: fulfilling, safe, and the closest resemblance of before.

“god,” you whimper out, still brushing your fingers through his salt and pepper hair. “how could you even consider telling us to leave you here, joel?”

he gazes up at you, blinks slowly, the smallest signs of life that tell you he’s listening and wanting to fight you back about it.

“y’can’t leave me alone here, old man.” a short, wet laugh. “we’ve got so much left to do. i can’t get ellie back to jackson without you. i can’t do anything without you.”

he shakes his head in response and narrows those dark eyes of his just a bit. you read it for what it is: don’t you start talkin’ about yourself like that. he’s always been hard on you for not believing in yourself and your abilities, and it makes you laugh again.

“i mean really, joel. first man i’ve ever loved and you’re telling me to leave you here to die alone in fucking colorado.” you shake your head, looking away to try to blink back tears. “i can’t- i can’t just go. i need you alive.”

you can’t even stop yourself from babbling through the tears, brushing his hair back and wiping away his own tears. even though you should be desensitized to death and loss, you’ve always been particularly sensitive. but you’re young and this is your first love, your only shot at it, and he’s bleeding out on a cold floor because you were too focused on everything else that you hadn’t been able to stop him from getting hurt.

“ain’t your fault,” joel rasps out, eyes shining in the dull winter light. you realize you voiced that, a placing of responsibility that you’d meant for yourself and yourself only. “don’t do that.”

you stare at him and you know what’s going through that head of his. all kinds of thoughts that he wants to voice out loud: it’s not your fault and you were doing the best you could in the situation and this was going to happen sooner or later. damn pessimistic realist, always focusing on the worst possible outcomes than entertaining any kind of optimism.

and in a twisted turn of events, you start to think of your parents, long gone and relegated solely to memory, buried somewhere between atlanta and boston: an optimistic dad and an overwhelmingly realistic mother, so far on opposite ends of a spectrum that they complemented each other perfectly. your dad, ever the poet, had stolen poetry collections from every bookstore he’d came across during your treks from settlement to settlement. his favorite poem, by far, was about the death of a person’s innocence, something always meant to die eventually, perpetually blushing and always coming back a little less pristine each time.

you remember it now as you’re holding joel’s hand with your own, pressing his knuckles against the soft plush of your cheek. you, at least, were built to go, you hear your father’s voice say in your head, which is why you are able to be loved. you haven’t thought about this poem in years, not since you lost him to a runner somewhere in south carolina, but it feels sickening that you’re recalling it now as you’re watching your first and only love die under your hands.

and yet, somehow, it feels comforting, the idea that to be human is to know that one day, a loved one will die, but to know that is to cherish them better, to love them harder. you’re not at all okay with joel dying because you’ve had so little time to love him, but it helps you to cherish those few late nights more, to revel in the memory of his warmth enveloping you on particularly cold nights.

you can let me go. joel’s dark eyes are going glossy again and you smile knowingly at him, still crying. he’s not dead yet and there’s a possibility that he’ll make it out of this alive, the outcome that you’re praying to every god that has ever existed for. you can let me go; it won’t be easy, but you can do it.

ellie’s feet as loud on the old wood stairs as she comes barreling through the door and down the stairwell. she looks rabid as she all but throws herself onto the floor beside joel, ripping the tan coat back and pulling the soaked cloth away. joel’s wound is still gushing blood, a sure sign that he’s well on his way to death, but when ellie makes eye contact with you, you know for sure she’s found something to help. she holds up a needle and spool of thread; she must have torn the entire house apart looking for her hail mary and she found it, she fucking found it. she stares at you, eyes wide and face red, breathing hard, waiting for your go ahead.

when you finally nod at her, fresh tears in your eyes, you look down at joel. his fingers curl around your palm tighter and he’s staring back, his eyes wide. you laugh tearfully, totally and entirely stunned that ellie had actually found a way to help.

“you’re gonna be okay,” you weep, pressing his hand to your forehead, letting your tears drip into your lap. “you’re gonna be okay, joel. just hang on.”

the next few minutes crawl by cruelly, joel surely leaving bruises on your hand from gripping yours too hard, too tight, but you can’t even care because when his hand finally goes slack, ellie is done. her handiwork isn’t so bad and the bleeding has stopped for the most part. when you sigh, it feels like the weight of the world leaves your shoulders, a degree of relief you’ve never felt in your life.

joel, stubborn as always, is fighting unconsciousness as you turn to look back at him and you know it’s because he knows he’s not entirely out of the woods yet. there’s still bleeding to stop, a potential infection to fight, medicine you need to find to keep him safe and healthy, but this has to be good enough for now. it has to be because he’s joel miller and he’s mucked it through gunshot wounds and temporary deafness and all kinds of other shit the world has thrown at him. 

ellie, clearly emotionally gone, stands, her dark eyes empty and her face void of everything save for exhaustion. without even looking at you, she turns towards the stairs and says to nobody, “going for a walk. i need a break.”

her footsteps echo in the stairwell and then creak overhead before she disappears out the front door, leaving you in an empty house with joel and the horse in the garage. you look back to joel, still holding his hand. his face, always so devoid of anything minus annoyance and anger, looks so relieved right now and it makes you want to cry again, but you’re shit out of saline. you lay his hand down beside him before you tuck his winter coat back over him, up to the chin.

there’s not much that you can say, no thoughts come to mind. nothing more than i love you, but you want to save those for when he’s safely out of the thick of this. as true as they are, it’s not the right time, but you’re sure he knows. he must when he scoots his hand out from under the coat and nudges it against your thigh, some gesture that you can’t decode, but that you understand as i’m still here, like he’s able to read your mind. you smile at him softly.

i’ll tell him when this is all over, you reason with yourself as you move to lay beside him, exhaustion finally overtaking you. wherever we end up after ellie is safe with the fireflies, i’ll tell him and he’ll say it back and we’ll be okay.

he can’t turn onto his side, but he turns his head to face you, looking every bit the age of fifty. his eyes are tired and the crinkles of his skin run deep, his cheeks and chin dusted gray. this close, you can see every pock mark, the dip of skin at his temple from some long-forgotten cut, the deep scar that mars the space between his eyebrows. his defenses are down and he looks his age, for the first time in a long time because it’s so easy to forget how old he is when he’s doing the things he does to protect you and ellie.

you scoot in as far as you’ll allow yourself, knees knocking against his legs and your head pillowed on the arm underneath you. you raise a hand and rest it on his cheek, a touch he immediately leans into, like your palm was made to caress his skin. as far as you care, it was. he tilts his head towards you and you find yourself doing the same, foreheads touching. this is one of the small gestures joel allows you on most days, but right now, it feels more monumental than that. like always, it’s a moment shared singularly between the two of you, but it carries so much more weight because he gazes at you with so much more softness and love than he’s ever let himself show before and it reminds you that underneath all that rough exterior, he is a man capable of gentle touches and adoration, no matter how many times the world and himself have tried to beat it out of him.

as his breathing slows, but deepens (a sure sign that ellie has mended the problem for now), you move your arm to rest on his torso, hand pressed into the sturdy spot just above his heart. the beat is steady, solid, a reminder that he’s okay. he was built to go, but now more than ever, you feel he was also built to be yours, to be loved by you. and you’ll make sure he makes it through this, no matter the cost.

(c) lskisms, 2023. do not repost, translate, or otherwise plagiarize my work. the only official versions of my work are available on tumblr and ao3 under the name lskisms.

[strawberrysodaslut]

may i request a joel miller fic pretty pretty please? 🥺🙏 maybe one where he has all these panic attacks and has no idea what is wrong with him but reader notices. at first she thinks like ellie: he’s having a heart attack but then realizes it’s not that and she uses the “5 things you can see” technique. obviously she doesn’t want to worry ellie or anything so every time she notices he’s having one of those panic attacks, she gently squeezes his hand a few times. the more it happens, the more joel feels “okay” about it and now, whenever he feels the fear creeping in, he looks for her and holds her hand for a bit because it grounds him 🥲 thank you 💕

Breathe - Joel Miller x GN!Reader

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❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

[main masterlist]

[joel miller masterlist]

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word count: 2.2k

summary: when joel has his first panic attack, he relies on you to calm him down.

warnings: hurt to comfort, angst, completely SFW, panic attacks/anxiety, mentions of death, guns, no use of y/n and no pronouns directed at reader (i believe), mentions of a heart attack, might not be 100% medically accurate pls don’t use fanfiction as education especially in regards to health, reader kisses joel on the face but that can be either platonic or romantic depending on what you want

authors note: this was supposed to be a blurb… whatever i love it. this request was so cute i loved it, i wish someone was there to help joel though this so bad… also i am so excited to watch ep 7. it’s out now but i’m not watching it until later tonight and i CANT WAIT.

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❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

The first time Joel had a panic attack, he swore he was dying.

He was standing watch while you and Ellie slept, sleeping bags huddled next to each other. His eyes trained on the hand you had resting on Ellie’s head. Fingers in between her hair as if you were stroking her, but it was perfectly still. A smile crossed his face. Even when you were sleeping, you still cared for Ellie.

Your hand drops slightly as Ellie stirs, rolling over in her sleep, but she subconsciously wraps her arms around your own, as if it’s her own personal teddy bear. He sighed, watching the silent bond between you two. Even unconscious, you were so kind, so caring. He wasn’t that. He’d made sure you knew, but you didn’t believe him. You made sure he knew that, too.

The peacefulness of the moment was rare, so rare it felt off putting to him. But it was a reminder to him of what he was protecting. The burdens he bore would be worth it to keep these moments. Even if it was only during sleep.

But those peaceful moments were not only rare, they were painstakingly fast.

A loud creak filled the small cave you had settled in, not loud enough to wake you, but loud enough to snap Joel out of any softness he was feeling. He couldn’t be soft, couldn’t afford it. Softness is weak. And him being weak means you and Ellie dead.

Gun in hand, Joel trudged his way out of the cave. He listened out for any clues to the source of the noise. It’s quiet now, but whatever made that sound is still there, he’s sure of it, and it’s his job to change that. He made his way around the trees, praying that even his deaf ear can pick up on any noises necessary.

Gun in hand, Joel trudged his way out of the cave. He listened out for any clues to the source of the noise. It’s quiet now, but whatever made that sound is still there, he’s sure of it, and it’s his job to change that. He made his way around the trees, praying that even his deaf ear can pick up on any noises necessary.

Gun in hand, Joel trudged his way out of the cave. He listened out for any clues to the source of the noise. It’s quiet now, but whatever made that sound is still there, he’s sure of it, and it’s his job to change that. He made his way around the trees, praying that even his deaf ear can pick up on any noises necessary.

It’s not long until he reached a creek, the rush of the water distracting him from other noises. It’s only then that Joel realised how thirsty he actually was, his throat growing drier as he looks at the water below him. He knows realistically he shouldn’t, but he can’t help but reach into the creek, scooping up the water into the cup of his hands and pouring it into his mouth, he sighs in relief as the cool liquid runs down his throat, feeling some relief.

Now, Joel may be deaf, but he’s able to hear the crunch of leaves from behind him.

He whips around, pointing his gun directly at the source of the sound, ready to protect Ellie, you, and himself from any harm coming from whatever is coming towards him. His eyes drop to find a small animal with two big ears and a lot of fluff… “Jesus Christ,” He mutters, lifting his hand to cover his mouth and swearing under his breath.

It’s a fucking rabbit.

Joel shakes his head in disbelief, staring down at the rabbit as it cautiously hops past him towards the creek, clearly looking to get its own hydration. He’s about to laugh to himself when he hears the same creak from earlier. Howver this time it’s much, much further from where he is. It’s where you and Ellie are.

His feet travel before he can even process what’s happening, fighting his joints to go faster as he goes uphill towards the cave. He’s desperate to get to you, having to stop himself from calling out in case that alerts anything else to your position. He can only hope he gets to you fast enough.

He only stops running once he gets to the cave’s entrance, finding you and Ellie asleep in the same position you were in when he left, unbothered by whatever the noise was. He stepped back outside the cave, listening out for anything that could’ve made that noise. A gush of wind comes through. It’s so strong that the trees are moving quite far, some rubbing on each other.

Wait…

Oh.

It’s the trees.

Joel sighs, but you being safe doesn’t bring him much relief. He looks back, and the two of you are dead to the world. That hadn’t been something dangerous, but it could’ve been. And you would’ve been sitting ducks. He wouldn’t have gotten there fast enough, he knew that. He was too slow. By the time he got to you, it would’ve been too late. You and Ellie would be gone.

His chest tightens.

You would be killed, or worse. God, you’d be so scared. All he can picture is the look on your and Ellie’s faces when you realise you were wrong to trust him, that he couldn’t keep you safe. That all those times he saved you he got lucky, they were flukes. He wasn’t any good at this. He’d gotten you killed.

He’s gonna get the both of you killed.

And he’s gonna be alone again.

His vision blurs as pain strikes him in the chest. He nearly doubles over, gripping to the rock of the cave for support. Breathing has no longer become an option. He gasps for breath, clutching his front.

Joel’s mind races. Is he dying? Is this it? No, he can’t be dying. He can’t leave the two of you alone.

Is Ellie going to find his body?

Tears roll down his face as he tries to stand, but it’s to no avail, only leading him to sink further into the ground, hunched over. A mixture of sobs and gasps for breath pours out of his mouth, begging for something- but he’s not sure what.

He jumps when he feels a weight on his shoulder, going to launch back, but whatever it is holding him keeps him steady. The surrounding sounds might be muffled, but he can still recognise your voice in the blur.

“Joel? Can you hear me? Joel?” You say, your voice just above a whisper, desperate to not wake up Ellie. “I need you to tell me, does it hurt here?” You say, guiding your hand to his left arm and squeezing, unable to hide the tremble in your voice as you do so.

Joel shakes his head, scrunching his nose. He can feel your body relax where you’re pressed behind him. “What’s- what’s happening to- me?” He wheezes, unable to catch enough breath to speak properly.

“It’s okay, you’re having a panic attack, you’re not dying.” You whisper, your voice much calmer now. You know he’s going to be fine. It’s now your job to calm him down. “Joel, can you tell me five things can see?” You ask, rubbing circles into his shoulder with your thumb.

Joel grunts, “Can I what?” He asks, his voice nearly unrecognisable from his normal tone.

“I’m just checking your eyesight.” You lie, knowing he wouldn’t be on board if you told him the real reason.

Joel’s head finally lifts from looking at the floor. He looks around slightly. “The- the trees.” He says in between his fights for breath.

You nod your head, muttering praise as you use the other hand to stroke his hair. “What else?” You ask.

“Uh- the- the grass, and the sky. The cave and- and you.” He turns his head slightly to look at your hand. His voice is shaking, matching how he trembles under you, his chest rising every half a second as he tries to breathe.

A sigh escapes from you as rest your forehead on the crook of his neck, fighting back your own tears as you try to guide him. “Doing so good Joel, how about four things you can feel?”

Joel’s hand quickly finds your arm, gripping it like a vice. His breathing has slowed down a little, but it’s nowhere near where it needs to be. “I can feel you.” He says, relaxing slightly into your touch. “I can feel my trousers, uh- the- the floor, and- my gun.” He says, alerting you to the rifle placed just at his side.

A part of you wants to move it, knowing how accidents can happen, but you worry that if you try, he’ll only get more freaked out. Joel’s gun is like his security blanket, it’d be too big of a risk to take it off of him now, leaving him more vulnerable than he already is.

“That’s great, Joel. How about hearing? Can you give me three things you can hear?” You ask, trying to keep your voice as gentle as possible, matching the tone you would use when approaching an animal.

Joel grumbles, “I’m fucking deaf.” He mutters, his voice losing some of the shakiness it had before.

A bubble of laughter forms in your chest at his words, but you don’t let it come out, opting for muttering ‘Just do your best’ instead.

His sobs quieten down as he tries to listen out for any noise, just as he does, another gush of wind blows, the trees making the same noise that started all of this. “The creaking of-of the trees.” He looks up at the trees, how they blow in the wind. His ears then focus on the light bubbling in the creek. He can hear it all the way up here. You whisper more praises into his ears, leading him to list your voice as the third thing.

You chuckle, your smile sitting on his skin like an anchor to him, making a smile of his own form. His breaths have almost completely evened out, but you continue. “What about two things you can smell?” You whisper, your hand finding his and funnelling through his fingers to hold.

Joel chuckles before he speaks. “Us. One, two.” He jokes, head leaning back against your body as he spoke. You can’t help but choke out a laugh and shake your head where it sits.

“Fair point.” Your smile pokes out as you speak. “One more, okay? What can you taste?” You ask, lifting your head from his neck and tilting it to get a look at his face. Even in the dark, you can see the streaks on his cheeks from his tears, one loose on rolling down. You take your free hand and wipe it away.

He pauses when you do so before looking back at you. “Creek.” He says, swallowing as he speaks.

Your brows furrow, wondering what he means. “Creek?” You repeat, making sure you heard him right. How can his mouth taste like creek?

Joel nods. “I drank some water from the creak earlier, felt good at the time, but now my mouth tastes like shit.” He says, nose scrunching as he focuses on the muddy flavour of his mouth, only slightly regretting the decision.

He revels in the laughter you release, still keeping quiet as to not wake up Ellie, but it’s a sound of pure joy. Your laughter slows down and you look at him again, the same care in your eyes as when you care for Ellie, so much warmth. “How are you feeling?” You ask, a pursed smile forming on your lips.

After a moment of thinking, Joel speaks, “I feel fine.” He says. Not missing the look of annoyance on your face when he says that, thinking that he’s just deflecting. “I mean it. I’m feelin’ much better now. That was… it was scary, but I’m okay now.”

You nod, telling him that if he ever feels that way again to come straight to you, and he did.

For the first time in however long you’ve known him, he actually listened to what you had to say. He was always careful about it. Ellie never found out what happened that night and he didn’t want to scare her.

So, whenever he felt an attack coming on, he’d wander over to you and slip his hand into yours, squeezing a few times to let you know what was going on.

In response, you would repeat the exact things you did that night, squeezing five times for him to count what he sees, then four, then three and all the way down to one. Sometimes it didn’t work immediately, and you would have to do some breathing exercises, but his episodes became much easier to manage when you were around.

It became pretty easy for you to figure out exactly what the cause of most of his panic attacks was. You couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt when you realised it was partly you. You fretted for a few days, trying to make sure that Joel knew you could take care of yourself. However, you quickly learned that this was just how Joel is, the eternal protector.

A few months after that night, you had learnt Joel was hiding his attacks from you at nighttime. He didn’t want to wake you up. You had woken up on your own accord to him trying to count the things on his own but still barely working.

After how much you had calmed him down, it was basically instinct to go over and slip into his sleeping bag. You held him as you helped him through the tail end of calming himself down.

Once he had calmed down, you pressed a small kiss to the spot just under his ear. You then made him promise that if he ever needed you, he’d wake you up. Just like he made you promise you’d do a long time ago.

Because while he made it his job to protect you, it was your job to protect him.

❛ ━━━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫･━━━━━━━━━ ❜

[shelyue99]

I came across BoB only last year (thanks Netflix the best thing you have done to me) hence 22 years late. I wish I had done it earlier (I definitely heard about the title, maybe in the 2000s, but I was too young at the time to take interests in it and I forgot about it), but because of it there are already a lot of resources and materials (and numerous fanfics) to dig into. I love research and meta and here are something I found interesting and relevant to BoB (with a focus on Winters and Nixon) :

Documentary:

Ron Livingston's Band of Brothers Video Diary

We Stand Alone Together: The Men of Easy Company

He Has Seen War

Book:

Band of Brothers, by Stephen E. Ambrose

Beyond Band of Brothers: The War Memoir of Major Dick Winters, by Dick Winters, Cole C. Kingseed

Biggest Brother: The Life of Major Dick Winters, The Man Who Led the Band of Brothers, by Larry Alexander

Conversation with Major Dick Winters: Life Lessons from the Commander of the Band of Brothers, by Cole C. Kingseed

Hang Tough: The WWII Letters and Artifacts of Major Dick Winters, by Erik Dorr, Jared Frederick

Parachute Infantry: An American Paratrooper's Memoir of D-Day and the Fall of the Third Reich, by David Kenyon Webster

Tinderbox: HBO's Ruthless Pursuit of New Frontiers, By James Andrew Miller

Podcast:

HBO's official Band of Brothers 20th Anniversary Podcast

The Ross Owen Show, this blog has all the BoB cast interview recordings.

Dead Eyes

Other Materials:

"Band of Brothers" 20th Anniversary Symposium, the video can be found here.

Re the symposium, I love some of the trivia stories the cast shared, like when some replacement guy (I remembered it's Rene Moreno who played Ramirez but my memory could be fuzzy) were having dinner with the OG Easy men at this posh restaurant after shooting. Someone asked Moreno what he did today and he said he cut his hair and got to shoot the gun something like that, and Neal McDonough (Compton) asked him to drop and gave him 20, Moreno looked at Ron Livingston for help, who he thought was the only normal person at the table, but Ron was like yeah you had to do it, and so he dropped and did 20 push-ups and startled the waitress and other customers.

The other interesting episode is that when they were shooting for the river crossing scene in Ep 8, a replacement guy (Ramirez or Hashey?) who wasn't in the bootcamp and wasn't that immersed, jokingly told Dexter Fletcher (Martin) to fuck off, everyone went quiet like how dare you say to that to the officer, and Ross McCall (Liebgott) asked, "Permission to throw him off the boat, sir," Fletcher said let him think about it. They didn't throw him off the boat but I find the comparison between those who went to the bootcamp vs. those didn't and thus didn't have a clue is so interesting. Oh, and Matthew Settle still scared the other cast and staff because Speirs is so scary lol.

[inthemiddle0feverywhere]

Bad Batch Season 3 Episode 4 thoughts (scattered) and initial reactions (rambling)

Nothing is even proof read and my brain is faster than my fingers so

Also I have very long nails and often click the wrong button

Anyway

Spoilers below the cut

(Update I rewatched and had more thoughts)

SCREAMING SCREAMING THE WHOLE TIME

God I was so stressed now I need to rewatch because I know how it goes and I don’t need to be anxious

Batcher kicking crosshair’s seat lmaoooo

Needing to change outfits “isn’t this better?🥰” “No” 😂😂 we officially have ray of sunshine and grumpy black cloud dynamic (my favorite)

Also only being able to see his eyes 🔥🔥🔥 (even if it looks like he’s wearing a toilet seat- seriously what is that thing)

I love that omega’s pony tail has a little bump at the back, thinking about when I was little and trying to put my hair up by myself god it was such a lumpy and bumpy mess. I doubt anyone would have shown her how on tantiss only telling her she needs to keep her hair out of her face. She’s just a little girl who had to take care of herself all those months. Like the kaminoans were bald, the other clones were men. Where would she have even learned how to do a pony? Emrie? (Hunter? 🤭)

“I can take half of them out before they know what’s happening” “how about we try not killing everyone in sight? 🥰🤗” “booooooooo”

I just know Cross is secretly proud of his gambling sister kicking ass and hustling money

The captain gave me such gross vibes I just know he smells bad

Crosshair clicking his tongue at batcher idk it did something to me it was so cute

And then her licking him later like sorry crossy you’re a dog dad now

Speaking of dads: “I’ve never seen you or your dad before” *nick miller screams.* CROSSDAD! CROSSDAD!!! 🥰🥰🥰

WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK

I know Dee is the voice of Batcher- do you think he made all the animals sounds? Is he just in a sound booth making animal noises

Ugh sobbing at the reunion 😭😭😭 literally water works

Noooo what is this face off at the end everyone put your eyebrows back up in a relaxed position and unclench those jaws and fists

Does Omega’s glove have a bottle opener on it?

I can’t wait for the reaction to the new puppy 😄

Also guys, omega kept saying we need to contact Hunter and Wrecker (sad she doesn’t say echo :/) so I think Crosshair knows about Tech. Either she told him while she visited him or perhaps Hemlock told him as another form of torture, that his brother fell trying to rescue him (maybe that’s why he look soooo terrible in the hallway on ep 1) I’m sure omega confirmed it also

Also I was expecting the clone cadets to pop out, I know they said they were taking them to pabu but still

Imagine omega does meet them and gets a lil crush on one omg Hunter would lose it lmaoooo

[somethingthing]

Night Watch

Joel Miller x reader

Warnings: none, just fluff all around

Word count: 534

A/n: Like do I put game Joel or Pedro?? I love them equally :’) (I’ll just put both) Anyway, just something fairly short and sweet cause that’s what I need after the last ep. I knew what was coming, but it HURT.

Ever since Ellie found that joke book of hers, Joel had been softening up. You could see how his shoulders began to relax and his jaw became more and more unclenched. Sometimes, you even got to hear him laugh.

”It’s nice you know” you walked up to him, sitting by the bar. You’d found an old pub to hide in for the night and Joel had insisted on staying up as watch “Its been awhile since I saw you this happy”

He twisted a bit, making the bar stool squeak “Go back to sleep, you’ll need it” his rifle was strategically placed on the disk that he was resting his elbows against, keeping his eyes on the barricaded door.

“I got a few hours in and Ellie is out like a light, so if anyone should be getting some sleep it’s you” you blocked his view of the door, placing your body in front of him “I’m serious” you gestured with your hands for him to move so you could take his place.

“Move” he huffed, clenching his jaw in annoyance.

You didn’t. Instead you let out a small laugh “Your mood swings are almost worse than a teenager going through puberty” not even a small grin moved across his face “Just a few hours ago you seemed so relaxed and…” content? No that wasn’t right.

“Move, I’m not asking again” his tone was harsher than what you’d anticipated, and apparently what he expected as well. His posture drooped a little “She’s scared” his head turned slightly to where Ellie was sleeping.

Oh.

“She’s just a kid, kids shouldn’t have to be scared” he didn’t have to say it, but you knew he was thinking of Sarah. He hadn’t told you exactly what happened but you knew enough.

You reached your arms out, running them up and down his arms “I know, I know” you paused, looking into his eyes, he was tired “But you still need rest, please, I’ll keep watch and you get some well needed sleep”

He slowly stood up “As soon as you see the sun, you wake me, understand?” It wasn’t really a question, more of a demand “Understand?”you nodded your head.

“Not a second later, I promise” you gave him a small smile, gently catching one of his hands in yours as he began to walk away “She’ll be alright you know, and so will we” you weren’t sure of how reassuring it actually was, but it’s was better than nothing.

“Mhm” he gave you a short nod and squeezed your hand before letting go and backing away slowly, keeping his eyes on yours for as long as he could “See you in the mornin’ darlin’”

“See you in the morning” you made yourself comfortable on the stool, taking the same position as Joel had earlier.

The thought of letting him sleep in crossed your mind, but when the first light hit the pub, you abandoned your post, gently waking him up. If he wanted to be the one to keep Ellie, and you, safe, you’ve weren’t going to stop him.

———————————

Thank you for reading <3 Also I’m so close to 200 followers!! Thank you so so much!

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Siege III, Pt. 7

We next join them for a meeting in the conference room. Colonel Caldwell has beamed down and while he has not assumed command following the incapacitation of Colonel Everett, he is now the highest ranking military commander in this galaxy. However, Sheppard and Caldwell seem to have a very good rapport and Caldwell defers to Sheppard's expertise in all things Pegasus.

Things seem tense between Sheppard and McKay. Sheppard is leaning against a table while McKay is sitting down by his laptop and Sheppard is doing the thing where he is very obviously avoiding looking at McKay. This is emphasized by the framing of the shot, we see Sheppard's face from the side and McKay's from the front view. We have previously seen Sheppard and McKay banter during meetings, they usually have some kind of a back-and-forth going on, usually in good nature. Now, they actually seem to be bickering, but even so they very quickly devolve into having a conversation just between the two of them, and note that Sheppard's comment "I like time!" has such married couple energy. Like when you run out of things to say but you still just have to say something.

Unlike previously, McKay is the one to actually break them out of their private conversation, finally addressing the room at large:

Sheppard: The cruisers that got away probably called for reinforcements. McKay: Our research shows there are at least sixty hive ships in this galaxy. I mean, who knows how many more could be on the way? Sheppard: At least the shield's up and running. McKay: That only buys us time. Sheppard: I like time! McKay: Look, the first siege of Atlantis lasted for years. I mean, with only one functioning ZPM, we can't expect to hold on that long.

McKay is clearly upset with Sheppard, and his crankiness is not just due to exhaustion. What Sheppard did hurt him deeply, and he is a long way from forgiving him for it. And Sheppard feels the guilt under his gaze. He is once more trying to boost the morale, to build optimism in everyone else that he doesn't really feel himself. He is sure to point out that what McKay had done for them was indispensable. They're only alive now because he had managed to put up the shield. He can see that McKay blames himself for having failed to take the wraith out with the satellite, and he's ready to take the blame on himself to lighten his load. It's better if they all think that their failure to clean up the cruisers is his fault than that McKay think it had been his failure to take out the hives with the satellite before they even got here that was to blame for everything.

McKay is trying to to think about their current situation rationally, to logic it out, see where they stand and what can be done. Sheppard is trying to make McKay feel better. Everything Sheppard says is trying to make McKay feel better. McKay's first priority is saving Atlantis and the people therein so that he can keep Sheppard safe. Sheppard's first priority is making sure McKay is alright and he will save Atlantis and the people therein if that's what it takes. And again, everyone else is looking at McKay to find them a solution:

Caldwell: Can we submerge the city again? McKay: It's a city, not a yo-yo. Look, I don't even know how they did it the first time. Caldwell: How long until they arrive? Weir: A little over a day.

Hearing McKay say that he doesn't know something just tells Sheppard how close McKay is to the breaking point. He gets up when he hears him say this, unable to sit still anymore, and comes to stand by the screen just by McKay. I want to highlight this because they purposefully don't show the two of them in the same frame here. When Sheppard leaned against the table and McKay was seated, they were already close. And once Sheppard gets up, he steps even closer to McKay. But because we don't see them in the same frame, it gets lost in the clever editing. What Sheppard is doing here is hovering protectively over McKay. He places himself between the hives and McKay.

Sheppard knows how much pressure they have piled on McKay's shoulders these past days and he is feverishly trying to think of something that they could do that wouldn't demand so much from McKay. He is sick of this shit. He is sick of having to watch the man that he loves destroyed by everyone looking at him for all the answers.

And it's not that he needs to do something personally, that he just can't sit still, that he's some kind of an Action Jackson that just has to run toward danger because he has something to prove. He has no wish to die, he never did. But he can see McKay breaking under the pressure and he can't just sit and watch that happen.

Sheppard: You know what? I'm sick of this. Weir: I'm sorry?! Sheppard: I mean, sitting around waiting for them to show up. I say we take the fight to them. Caldwell: We've got one ship, Major. Sheppard: We've got one ship with an Asgard shield, an armoury full of nukes, and beaming technology. That evens the odds a hell of a lot. Caldwell: Twelve ships and their escorts. Sheppard: I'm telling you, we've gotta send these guys a message. We're not like the Ancients, we're not gonna sit around and wait. We don't back off. We have the capacity and the will to go kick their asses for a change.

McKay isn't sure what to think when Sheppard starts formulating his plan to take the fight to the wraith. By the way his eyes are moving, McKay seems to be going through some thoughts very quickly, probably checking for the viability of what Sheppard says. But he is also likely doing threat-assessment, trying to figure out first and foremost how likely Sheppard is to do a stunt like he had attempted to do before again. He is still hurting, he's not ready to go through that again.

Yes, they are backed to a corner and they need to figure out something to do, he needs to figure out something they can do, but keeping Sheppard safe is a priority to him just as much as taking some of the burden off of his shoulders is a priority for Sheppard.

Throughout the scene, Sheppard is trying not to look at McKay probably for a couple of reasons, one of them surely being the presence of the Colonel in addition to his own feelings of guilt, fear of what he might see in McKay's eyes or his face, not wanting McKay to be able to read his thoughts, and possibly other reasons as well. But it's hilarious how, as soon as he says the word 'ass' ("kick their asses for a change"), his eyes to go McKay. Ever so briefly, but it's clear that his mind made some kind of an association between ass and McKay, it was thinking about ass that made him glance at McKay, and it's almost certain that it's not kicking ass that he associates with McKay. McKay is not the kind of guy that is known for kicking asses.

He also seems to stumble on the word, it almost comes out in a stutter--and this is not even the only time we see Sheppard come to stutter over that boy. It's like he mentally tripped himself on that word. We have seen that his mind often goes to sexual things with McKay even in the direst of circumstances, and it very much seems to happen here too. He is giving an impassioned speech, he uses a turn of phrase, suddenly realizes what he says, his mind associates the word with McKay for reasons that are left to the imagination, and his attention momentarily shifts to McKay.

We don't see how McKay reacted to this or whether he even noticed the glance but he does seem energized by Sheppard's speech. Because Sheppard isn't putting all the pressure on him he is able to think coherent thoughts, his mind is able to work on the problem and formulate solutions. So as soon as the Colonel goes into specifics, goes into how they might practically be able to execute Sheppard's plan, McKay has already discovered a way to implement it. Also, observe how the moment McKay moves, Sheppard moves with him, turns his body to follow him so fast that it is not a conscious thought, it's pure instinct. Either they're like drift-compatible or these two men have been having sex with each other. That kind of physical awareness of another person is a manifestation of magnetic attraction, of being attuned to their presence in a way that transcends any intentional action.

Caldwell: How do I fight a ship in hyperspace? McKay: The wraith faster-than-light travel is not as efficient as the Asgard hyperdrive aboard the Daedalus. Not only are they slower, they need to travel in a series of jumps. So, if my calculations are correct, they'll make one last stop here, fifty light years away, before they make the final jump to Atlantis.

Caldwell defers to Weir's authority, giving her the final decision where Weir gives the decision to Sheppard. And Sheppard is more than ready to execute a plan that doesn't demand anything from McKay who he believes should be sleeping even now. McKay is the only one of the people attending the meeting that is sitting down which just emphasizes the fact that he's tired. He doesn't even get up to show them the trajectory of the wraith on the screen but moves his chair closer to the monitor. And Sheppard had found the way to make McKay feel better once again. McKay glances at him as he explains the math, even smirking cheekily as he mentions the correctness of his calculations.

People often interpret this to mean that McKay is expressing his confidence, arrogance even. Like obviously he's correct, when is he not? Only, even though Sheppard thinks this about him, he doesn't feel like that about himself at all. Math isn't his strong suit; not only does Sheppard kick his ass in mental math but later in McKay and Mrs Miller (S03E08) Carter has to confirm to him that his sister's math "checks out". His sister also mocks him about it later in the same episode. It's much more likely that his smirk here is similar to Sheppard stuttering over a thought he had associated to the word 'ass'; there's some kind of a mental connection he made between calculations and Sheppard, hence glancing at him and then breaking out in this teasing smile.

The scene finishes with Sheppard looking intensely at the Colonel because he is putting his faith in this man and his vessel. But again his head is turning toward McKay as the scene cuts off. He both wants to look and is afraid of what he might see if and when he does.

The fact that McKay is constantly on Sheppard's mind is underlined in the following scene. Sheppard and Caldwell are on the bridge of the Daedalus having already made the jump to the coordinates that McKay had calculated for them, and Caldwell seems concerned there is nothing there yet:

Kleinman: Scanners are clear, sir. No contacts. Caldwell: I hope we're on the right spot. Sheppard: They'll be here. I've learned to trust Rodney about these things.

Sheppard has more faith in McKay's abilities than he has himself. This is not a small concession that Sheppard makes here. He has trouble with authority which translates to a difficulty trusting both his superiors and people serving under him, especially trusting in that they will be able to turn up with the same quality of work that he puts in himself. He frequently thinks that he knows better than the people in positions of power over him, leading him to make his own calls. And he frequently thinks that he can execute orders better than the people serving under him which causes him to do things himself that he should delegate to people down the chain of command.

He does not trust other people to do the things he thinks need to get done. He has been disowned, divorced, possibly demoted and definitely reassigned for disobeying a direct order. He does not trust easily, and he certainly does not trust people to be there for him. And yet, he has learned to trust Rodney about these things. He has learned to trust McKay. He has learned to trust Weir. And he even trusts Caldwell enough to share this with him, calling him Rodney because he just cannot bring himself to enact the masquerade right now, after everything. Any other time, he probably would have called him McKay when discussing him with another man, and a superior officer at that. But now, he can't bring himself to do it.

Sheppard's plan appears to be working at first and they are able to take out two of the dozen hives bearing toward Atlantis. However, the wraith soon learn how to counter their tactics and the Daedalus is forced to tuck tail and escape, returning to Atlantis. While it was a good plan, it didn't work. And Sheppard looks crestfallen with the knowledge that they had failed. This would mean that everyone would start looking at McKay for the solution again.

If Sheppard had his hopes up that this might work, so did Mckay. He is closest to the source of the sound of their voices as they are in contact with the Daedalus, and only draws back and folds his arms when Weir gives what seems to him like an unhelpful platitude. He had been worried for Sheppard again, what with him somewhere out there in space without him, engaging the wraith, and here she was describing it as giving them something to think about.

Caldwell: The bottom line is, it didn't work. Weir: Well, at least you gave them something to think about. Caldwell: We'll see. I doubt very much that that tactic will work again, and the Daedalus has sustained damage. Sheppard: It was still the right thing to do. We should make it home before they do.

In spite of everything that has happened, Sheppard is still trying to keep up the fighting spirit, to keep their hopes up. And it isn't general morale that he is attempting to bolster but to ease the pressure McKay is under, to lessen the guilt he knows he is feeling, to show him that they are in this together. This, in particular.

Again we are reminded that for Sheppard, Atlantis is home. Atlantis is home and there is a familiar face waiting for him to come home from work. But Sheppard is all too right to be doing what he is, too. He knows McKay extremely well. McKay is not feeling alright and although he doesn't say anything while they are in contact with the Daedalus, as soon as they are not in communication anymore, he lets his pessimism and morose mood come out in full-force:

Weir: OK, what are our options? McKay: Well, let me see. We've got slow death, quick death, painful death, cold, lonely death.

It's the last one especially that betrays his thinking. He feels abandoned by Sheppard. He feels like Sheppard chose not him. Chose to leave him behind to die a cold and lonely death without him. Sheppard had chosen quick death, leaving him to deal with all the other options, and the worst one was the one where he would have to die alone, without him. This is the thought that is still churning inside him, still gnawing at the back of his mind. The fact that he had been miraculously saved didn't change the fact that Sheppard had chosen to leave him behind, to abandon him. He would never have done that to him. He would never have left him behind. He was there until the end of the line, and he thought Sheppard felt the same way. But apparently he didn't. Turns out, he didn't. And McKay doesn't know where to go from here.*

But it should be noted that McKay has no death wish, no desire to put himself in jeopardy now that he knows that Sheppard is alive and well, knows that there's at least hope that they might be able to work this out. Ford's sudden appearance from the infirmary gives him pause and he instinctively falls back, letting Teyla walk in between them. Watching your team member, a man he has fought side by side for months, try to choke your best friend right in front of you has a tendency of putting things into perspective. McKay is rendered speechless by this. He can't even begin to process this right now.

Every part of the life that he had built here, in this place that he has come to think of as home, these people that have become something of a surrogate family to him, seems to be falling apart. And he is helpless to stop it.

Continued in Pt. 8

-* The dramatic irony comes from the fact that while their respective pathologies make them very compatible they can also easily lead to misunderstandings. Sheppard, who thinks that his love is toxic, needs verbal confirmation that he is not going to be left behind and abandoned, that the other person is always there for him. McKay, who thinks that he is unlovable, needs to be demonstrated through action that he is unconditionally chosen by the other person. McKay can show that he stays by Sheppard time and again and it will not register. Sheppard can tell McKay that he chooses him every time and it won't sink it.

This is why Miller's Crossing (S04E09) was such a huge moment for McKay, because Sheppard demonstrated to him through his action that he chose McKay, that McKay is important enough for him to even kill someone. Sheppard was able to make him understand that he is the most important person in his life, and that not only would he always choose him, he's incapable of choosing anything else. And this is why The Last Man (S04E20) was such a monumental milestone for Sheppard, because he was finally able to hear what McKay had been trying to show him all along, that he's there for him until the end of line. McKay told him, not in so many words, that he's not going anywhere, ever. He will always be there for Sheppard.

And this is also why the fact that the narrative never got finished and we ended the story with Sheppard all alone trying to fill the void inside him by picking up randos for transitory affairs and McKay with a person who only seems to like the best-behaviour version of him and whose approval he has to earn through constant demonstration of his worthiness is a goddamn tragedy. It's like they ended the story with the both of them in their respective dark night of the soul. But we'll circle back to this.

[theredengineapologist]

🚂😈"WELCOME FELLOW TRAIN ENJOYERS" 😈🚂

Finally found time to make myself a proper persona so it's time for a new intro!

Hello y'all! Call me Randy (or Jester)! And welcome to my dedicated TTTE blog! A place for me to shitpost, share my humanized TTTE fanart, and, of course, Trainrot(tm).

As shown here, I am an adult! Which means that some of my posts contain content unsuitable for children! This includes, but is not limited to:

Coarse Language

Horror (Tagged as #tw horror and other relevant tags)

Suggestive content (Nothing explicit (yet), tagged as #suggestive)

I politely ask that y'all use your own discretion before following me.

Also of course, my favorite is JAMES! The ✨SPLENDID✨💋RED💋🚂ENGINE🚂

✨ FOR ALL THINGS REGARDING MY HUMANIZED TTTE AU (TTTE: SUDRIAN BOYS) CLICK HERE! ✨

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN NON-TTTE WORKS, CHECK OUT MY OTHER ART BLOG @jesterartz

TTTE WATCH PROGRESS + TAG GUIDE UNDER THE CUT!

~ RANDY'S TTTE WATCH PROGRESS ~

Key: Blue = Complete, Green = In Progress, Orange = Not Seen

[CLASSIC ERA COMPLETE (SEASON 1-7)]

[HIT ERA (SEASON 8-11): INCOMPLETE (Seen "Henry and the Wishing Tree", "Spic and Span", "Edward the Great", "Saving Edward", "Keeping Up With James", "James the Second Best", "Dirty Work", "Thomas and the Big Bang", and "Edward and the Mail"]

[CGI MILLER ERA (SEASON 12-16): NOT SEEN]

[BRENNER ERA (SEASON 17-21): INCOMPLETE, Partially Seen S17 (Eps 1-4 plus "Henry's Hero", "The Thomas Way", "The Frozen Turntable", "Away from the Sea", "Gone Fishing", and "No More Mr. Nice Engine"), Finished S18 - S20, Seen S21 Eps 1-2]

[BWBA ERA (SEASON 22-24)]: INCOMPLETE (Seen "Hunt the Truck" and "School of Duck")]

[TTTE MOVIES: SEEN "The Adventure Begins", "The Great Race", "Journey Beyond Sodor", "Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure", and "Tale of the Brave"]

~ TAG GUIDE ~

GENERAL TAGS:

#redengineposts = All Posts made by Yours Truly 😈

#redengineart = ❤ My Art ❤

#redenginepolls = Silly Polls that I have Made 🥰

#poll results = The Results of Polls I made

#trains irl = Real life trains/engines/locomotives! In the real world!

#reblog = Things reblogged from other Tumblrs 🙃

#queue queue b*tches = Things from Le Queue

ART TAGS:

#redengineart = ❤ My Art ❤

#TTTE: Sudrian Boys = All things related to my own TTTE Humanized AU

#Into the Trainverse = Posts crossing over between my humanized TTTE and that of other creators

WRITING TAGS:

#TTTE: Sudrian Boys = All things related to my own TTTE Humanized AU

#randys headcanons = My headcanons relating to TTTE

#randys trainfics = Fanfics I have written for TTTE

#on today's episode of "thinking too hard about trains"... = General thoughts about the Thomas and Friends TV show 🚂

#ttte first impressions = My first impressions of TTTE episodes as I watch them

#ttte episode review = My reviews, discussions, and/or general thoughts about TTTE episodes

[greensparty]

Stuff I'm Looking Forward To in May

How is it already May? In addition to being Asian Pacific American Heritage Month as well as Orthodox Easter (5/5), Cinco de Mayo (5/5), Mother's Day (5/12) and Memorial Day (5/27) here is what's on my radar this month:

Movies:

The Idea of You

A Michael Showalter movie is always a highly anticipated for me. I was a huge fan of his comedy group The State and I named his film The Big Sick my #1 Movie of 2017. Since then his films have been mixed (including The Eyes of Tammy Faye) but they are always unique in their own way. His new one is a romantic drama with Anne Hathaway premiering on Amazon Prime Video on 5/2.

Star Wars Episode 1 The Phantom Menace

When the first Star Wars prequel was released in May 1999, there was no way any movie could live up to the expectation. While it's not perfect by any means, it is better than people initially thought. I saw it a few times in the theater in 1999 (including opening day) and in 2012, I saw the 3-D re-release. Without the hype and fanfare it wasn't bad. There's been quite a few revisionist appraisals of Ep 1 in recent years. In addition to select theaters doing a Star Wars Eps 1-9 marathon, Ep 1 is getting a 25th anniversary re-release on 5/3.

Unfrosted

Jerry Seinfeld is a comic genius! Now he's making his directorial feature film debut with a comedy biopic about the creation of the Pop Tart in 1963. With Jerry directing, co-writing, producing and starring I'm on board! Premieres 5/3 on Netflix.

Let It Be

The 1970 documentary about The Beatles recording their final album has been out of print for years and now it has been remastered by Peter Jackson for a Disney+ streaming premiere on 5/8. Fingers crossed a blu-ray follows!

Back to Black 

Amy Winehouse had such a short musical career, but her legacy lives on. After the excellent documentary Amy in 2015, she is now getting the music biopic treatment directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson, the director of the criminally underrated Nowhere Boy about the early days of John Lennon. Opens 5/17.

IF

John Krasinski proved himself as a director with A Quiet Place. Now he is back with a fantasy about imaginary friends and it's one of those "everyone is in it" casts! Opens 5/17.

Hit Man

A Richard Linklater film is always a high film priority for me! His new action-comedy has been creating quite a buzz since its festival premiere last year. It's adapted from an article by Skip Hollandsworth and the last adaptation of his from Linklater was Bernie! Star and co-writer Glen Powell has worked with Linklater on Everybody Wants Some!! and Apollo 10 1/2. I could not be more psyched! Limited theatrical release on 5/24 and Netflix premiere on 6/7.

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

2015's Mad Max: Fury Road, the 4th Mad Max movie, set the bar pretty high for high octane action. Now George Miller is back with a prequel about Furiosa. Opens 5/24.

Music:

Aerosmith Get Your Wings 50th Anniversary Limited Edition

In March, Aerosmith's second album turned 50! To celebrate the anniversary they are releasing a special edition vinyl on 5/17!

Slash Orgy of the Damned

GN'R guitarist Slash is back with his sixth solo album featuring tons of guest stars including Brian Johnson and Steven Tyler doing blues covers. Album drops 5/17!

Ringo Starr Crooked Boy

Sir Ringo Starr has been on a roll knocking out tons of EPs including EP3 and Rewind Forward. Now he has his 5th EP since 2021 (my God - put all of these EPs together and it'd be a killer album!). This one was written and produced by Linda Perry. After an RSD and digital release last month, a physical release will be on 5/31 (review to come)!

Film Festivals:

Independent Film Festival Boston

My favorite film festival in Boston (and possibly the world) takes place at the best indie cinemas in Boston from May 1-8 (see my preview here).

In a category all its own:

My birthday is on 5/20! 

[azersam]

Fave music of 2023

Klein - touched by an angel

Secret Pyramid - A Vanishing Touch

Död Mark - Död Mark 4 Evigt

Overmono - Good Lies

Surgeon - Crash Recoil

Everything but the Girl - Fuse

Rainy Miller & Space Afrika - A Grisaille Wedding

Lil Uzi Vert - Pink Tape

Fatima Al Qadiri - Gumar EP

Depeche Mode - Memento Mori

Hannah Diamond - Perfect Picture

Marta Salogni & Tom Relleen - Music for Open Spaces

King Krule - Space Heavy

Huuum - Huuum

Anohni and the Johnsons - My Back Was a Bridge for You to Cross

Lee Gamble - Models

Caroline Polachek - Desire, I Want to Turn Into You

Xiu Xiu - Ignore Grief

Evian Christ - Revanchist

Fred again... & Brian Eno - Secret Life

Eddie Chacon - Sundown

Blur - The Ballad of Darren

Headache - The Head Hurts but the Heart Knows the Truth

Slowthai - UGLY

Delilah Holliday - Invaluable Vol. 1& 2

David Toop & Lawrence English - The Shell That Speaks the Sea

Arthur Russell - Picture of Bunny Rabbit

Kelela - Raven

Ryuichi Sakamoto - 12

Peter Gabirl - i/O

[timingmatters]

I feel like i need to wrote something about the flash ending. In 2014 i used to be OBSSESED with the arrowverse. And i started it with the flash tbh. I knew some about his character and liked Barry. I binged the 2 seasons of arrow halfway through flash s1 in order to get all the context possible. I kept up with all the shows as best as i could through the years, but especially arrow and flash. I watched all the crossovers live when they came out, which was always a struggle bc in latam they come out a couple days later due to subtitles or dubs. Would even google the streams. I was 15 when i started my journey with the arrowverse. As the last ep of the last show of the arrowverse ends, i am 24 now. That is basically a whole decade. And what a journey that flash is the one to close it. God people can talk their shit about quality of the show ending with time but one thing is true, for the arrowverse flash was the heart. Arrow was the one that started it, but that family unity feeling always came from flash. And oliver knew it. Oliver risked himself and what changed the trajectory of his show and story to save barry and kara. But mostly barry. The flash became such a show about love prevailing most of all through dark times. And that precisely had people upset af because it wasn’t as action/comic focused as arrow or how they wished it to be. But thats what i loved about flash so much. It almost ended on the year of barry’s initial disappearance too. Which is poetic i think. People can talk all their shit, but i loved the ending. Coming full circle. Even if the villains didn’t give the battle of their lifetime that wasn’t the point. The point was that both barry and the team had grown enough to not have the battle be forever. They learned how to deal with it quick. They learned what not to sacrifice. And most important of all, the show gave us the goodbyes as best as they could. And a happy ending deserving of it.

I can’t talk about the flash without talking about the big impacts it had on pop culture in general. Even if you dont like arrowverse or the flash know this, candace made HISTORY casted as Iris. And she opened the door for so many opportunities for blind color casting in iconic roles. You wouldn’t have Halle as the little mermaid without having Candace as Iris. You honestly wouldn’t. She started a conversation and opened hundreds of doors. And Grant? He is forever to Flash with RDJ is to Iron Man. In tons of pop culture references (and some comics) Barry Allen physically became like Grant. He gave it all for that role. And you can tell how much heart he put it in. Whatever you say about the writing, the actors had so much love for these characters and stories and you can just feel it and see it. Its a beautiful thing they created.

AAAAH i hope superman and lois is renewed bc they are def a whole other level of quality (emmy noms people!!). But they aren’t technically arrowverse even if they did cross with it in the past. A chapter ends with flash. Say what you want about cw, they did what the more expensive cinematic universe couldn’t. Or even shows like titan couldn’t. They gave so much HEART to these stories. The crossover episodes were such a fucking event. Had me more excited than any movie dc has ever released on the big screen. Truly introduced these heros to whole new generations.

The flash will always be a show about resilience and love and it will forever have such a big spot in my heart. 10 years. And not just any 10 years, but my entire adolescence and beginning years of adulthood. Man, even if im not as involved online with this show nowadays the way i was back in the day, the show holds such a special place for me. Will always be important pop culture wise. The new flash movie (with the ass of ezra miller) has NOTHING on how much love the show was made with. Aaah i dont have the words you can just tell the whole cast and crew hold so much love for these stories. Not just another paycheck. Especially Grant.

God im even tearing up writing this which is so ridiculous. Just hold so much love for the show. And to see arrowverse ending. Tons of shows and incredibly people involved in it. So many stories fully ending. Even when most had ended a while ago already, is official now. The chapter is over. Superman and Lois hopefully keeps on going but they are a diff thing. This week is the end of arrowverse as we knew it. A whole phase of hours and hours of content and years of love poured on it.

Arrowverse and especially flash, you will always have my heart and my teen self attached to you❤️