#engagimg with them . shigeru looking to see natsume sitting all alone )): and the fact that he couldn't
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i cant sleep and have been thinking about how natori pretended not to hear that the youkai mentioned that natsume's the owner of the book of friends and oh i want to cry like. hhhhhh when natsume was about to tell him after his altercation with the youkai, natori stopped him and said he didnt have to tell him. he pointed out how natsume always shares what's on his mind and that he's honest with him. so if natsume had something he didn't tell natori, then he knows it's for a good reason and he doesnt need to force himself to say it and im just like ;---; okay . okay im fine
it just fucks me up because like.... i think about all the bad relationships natsume has had with adults growing up ): like how they neglected him, despised him, and abused him ))))): like it honestly makes me want to cry so fucking much like he was just a KID!!!! and it makes me so so heartbroken because he always blamed himself. any time bad things would happen, he thought it was his fault. like when he lived with the couple and their daughter and she was getting made fun of by the other school kids for living with natsume, he saw the interaction and felt like he had to apologize to her because he believed it was his fault ))))): he even went as far as to think that he shouldn't have gone to live there T___T and he was like what???? under ten years old????? my god he was an actual BABY )))))))))): to have so much self blame at such a young age ohhhh im gonna fucking CRY
and oh my god... every time i think about the scene where shigeru asked touko if natsume could live with them i could seriously start crying like ill never ever forget that scene like it was just so tender and kind and emotional im T___T god like the way shigeru talked about it and said that he'd spent a lot time considering it makes me so diskdjs because he really wanted to make the best decision for everyone involved )): and oh my godddd oh my god when touko started to cry and when her voice started to crack and you could hear the change of her voice that sounded like she was crying oh my god that seriously makes me so emotional every time )))):
#im so emo im so diddhddhskej#im so happy that natsume finally finally has healthy relationships with adults now after everything )))):#i cant imagine how hard it must have been oh my god....#the loneliness and lack of security of not having an adult figure that you can turn to or feel safe with )):#and esp when he was already so alone and isolated T____T#so to have someone he could talk to about youkai and to have people he could view as parental figures... FUCK!!!!#T_____T#i love him so much ))))): god#sun texts#nyl#GOD AND THE SCENE !!! WHERE SHIGERU SAW NATSUME BY HIMSELF DKDDJDDDJDHDSJ#god that fucks me up so much i DIDNT THINK that he saw natsume first??? like i thought it was touko since thats what we#were shown first so that scene took me by surprise#god i want to sob it was such a short scene and they didnt exchange any dialogue but that scene held so much meaning oh my god??#like . the two adult relatives talking badly about natsume from a distance . shigeru hearing it from some feet away and not#engagimg with them . shigeru looking to see natsume sitting all alone )): and the fact that he couldn't#even see natsumes face. just his back side#YET he could tell that natsume wasnt doing well... god when he told touko that he felt as if natsume was#detached from everything oh my god take my heart just TAKE IT it hurts too much im dkddjdksjsm#))))):#like for an adult to see that about him and to want to reach out and help . god . goddddddddd#that scene was so poignant like the way we couldn't see natsume's face but we could FEEL how sad it was#like the way the wind blew and how he was all alone and the lighting wasnt all that bright#and the way shigeru kinda looked at him sadly/in a bit of surprise??#jssksjsjksdk im.... im just so.... hhhhhh ))):
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