#ended up goin to the same high school as me and came out as trans in the beginning of the school year. he hasn't been in school since then

[emma-im-sorry]

More Hidgens Info!

in case anyone doesn’t religiously watch Jon’s streams or has better things to be doing than watching twitch at 2 in the morning, here’s some Hidgens information courtesy of Robert

“Professor Hidgens went to see Wicked, and he didn’t get it [...] Professor Hidgens went to see Wicked and he was like, ‘This is too much. Why are the sets so big. They could achieve the same thing on some black boxes and minimal costuming. Would be so much more powerful.’”

“Nope, Hidgens did not write Santa Claus Is Goin’ to High School. Hidgens would think that that’s beneath him. He only does real art, like Workin’ Boys.”

“Professor Hidgens thinks RENT is the best modern musical he’s ever seen, but he only discovered it in 2019. He’s like, ‘Oh my gosh,’ and its the newest show he’s seen [...] “Hidgens has not seen any musical made after RENT.”

Jon: “On set, everyone has to call him ‘Professor Hidgens.’ I just want to call you ‘Robert.’” Robert: “And at the end of the day, I take off the wig and come out. I go, ‘Hey what did everyone get up to today?’ It’ll get really meta, I’ll stay in character, I’ll start trying to take over the film.”

“Falsettos is too recent for Professor Hidgens to like it.”

“Professor Hidgens does not dye his hair. But he does keep it very nicely cut.”

“Professor Hidgens does shave. He has an immaculate grooming routine.”

“He mentions Hamilton because he knows that is the big musical but he has not seen it or listened to it. Out of spite.”

“Annie? He thinks it’s great. Little Girls is one of the songs he sings in the shower. As well as Easy Street. Professor Hidgens would love to play Rooster. And Mr. warbucks. And Annie.” Jon: “At the same time.”

“Hidgens doesn’t know his Hogwarts House. He doesn’t get those magic books.”

“I will not confirm Hidgens’ sexuality either way, because I do not think it is important to his story. And none of my choices as Professor Hidgens were influenced by me thinking he likes men or women. It doesn’t matter! His sexuality can be whatever you want.”

“Hidgens is kind of like Dark Brown in Back to the Future in the sense that he could be 40, he could be 80. No one really knows.”

“Hidgens would be fine about Phantom. He’d think the music is quite good but he wouldn’t be obsessed about it because Hidgens likes.. Hidgens likes 90s [??] musicals where there’s no set… just a black box… they’re singing about their feelings.“

“If you asked Professor Hidgens about The Bee Movie Musical, he’d go: ‘What’s that.’”

“If Hidgens saw a Starkid musical… he’d hate it. He’d be like ‘they are making a mockery. They think they’re funny but it’s crass.’”

“I honestly think Hidgens wouldn't have many feelings on Little Shop of Horrors. He’d think its fine.”

“Professor Hidgens’ guts were ripped out before the Cats movie came out.”

“The thing is… Hidgens kills people. He puts people’s life in danger for the sake of his own musical, so Hidgens is a villainous person. I don't think he’s the person that should be campaigning trans rights campaign at all. But me, the actor, definitely supports trans rights.”

“Hidgens wouldn't have social media, but I’m pretty sure there’s a social media MySpace page.” And finally, I have in my notes: “Hidgens respects Cats for the riffs,” but I have no idea what it means and I can’t find the segment again to re-listen to it. :(

[null-draws]

So in light of Pride Month, I wanted to share my experiences with both my gender and sexuality (mostly with my gender) as a Quoisexual Agender person.

(More below the cut)

Throughout my whole life, I've never really felt connected to my gender fully. As a kid, I just wore whatever clothes I felt physically comfortable in and didn't really associate certain things with certain genders. However, I still leaned towards more masculine things, because I just enjoyed them more as a whole, and my family always assumed I was just a "tomboy" because of it.

Fast forward to high school, when I actually began trying to find a name for my identity. I mentally experimented with certain things, starting out with identifying as Genderfluid and trying out skirts and dresses as casual clothing for the first time in years (before I had only reserved those for very formal occasions), but never really felt like they suited me. About a year later and after breaking up with a previous boyfriend, I came to the conclusion that I was a trans man.

I first came out to my closest friends and therapist, who were all very supportive of me, and was already going by Dustin before then because it was a unisex name (according to the name app I'd used, anyway), so it wasn't too suspicious to my family thus far. I eventually started coming out to the rest of my school slowly but surely and still somehow kept it from my family, and it even got to the point where I was being picked from the boy's side in gym and was invited to attend the LGBT+ club's events despite not being an official member. I felt accepted and much more comfortable knowing my friends and the majority of my teachers had my back, and finally mustered up the courage to start coming out to my family.

However, things started to go downhill once I did.

My good aunt was the first I came out to, partially because at the time I was staying with her while my grandparents (who were my legal guardians) were on vacation, but also because her ex-spouse had come out as a trans woman during their marriage, which ended in a divorce as a result, but they stayed generally on good terms. She was very supportive of me, but it was semi-conditional, as she told me she wouldn't use my preferred pronouns until I had a sex change and/or started hormones, but would still call me by my preferred name even before I legally changed it.

My grandparents, on the other hand, were a completely different story.

Between the two of them, I came out to my grandmother first in front of my therapist, because she was the easiest for me to talk to at the time and I figured she would take it better.

Long story short: She did not.

Unknown to me, she had told my grandfather I was trans the same night I came out to her, and I had wanted to tell him myself with her because I thought she took it well, and I didn't discover she had told him already until months later. After that, she became worse and worse towards me, telling me she thought it was my brother's fault I was trans (it wasn't), telling me I acted "too feminine" but refusing to tell me how, and telling me to "man up" and "grow a pair" when I expressed my dislike towards my uncle moving in whom I didn't feel safe around.

It was because of her that I snapped and decided I was Agender, and it's because of her that I left my family behind.

To summarize the rest of my family matters, I'll say this: My mother is dead to me for unrelated matters, but seemed as though she had false acceptance, my father had false acceptance for me, and my great-grandmother, who was another main reason for me running away from my family, did not accept me in any way.

It was because of this toxic environment (with more reasons than just the transphobia) that was the backbone for me leaving them, and I've never once regretted my decision within the year since I've left them. I started living with friends who accepted and supported me, who helped me with getting my first binder and starting HRT, and who even at the very least use my preferred pronouns (which honestly means a lot to me after so long of being misgendered).

It was a really long journey to finally get somewhere I feel comfortable, and to finally be able to feel comfortable in my own skin for once, and despite having lived with such an abusive family, I'm glad I'm at where I am today. I'm proud of who I am. I'm proud to say I'm Agender, and although there are times where I know I need to hide my identity for my own safety, I still love knowing I'll be me, regardless of whoever tries to break me down.

(And on a side note, don't even get me started on my sexuality. That shit's always been a mess for me, I don't know what's goin' on with it half the time, I may stay Quoi/WTFsexual for a while or I might not, but only time will tell with that lol)

[stringbeanreads-blog]

stringbeanreads august wrap up!

Hello everyone! I can’t believe the end of August is actually here- it honestly feels like this month has gone on forever! That being said, since it felt so long I was able to do a TON of reading this month- 15 books in fact! WAY more than I was expecting to achieve! Since I’m starting my first year of university in the coming week, I’m not sure how much time I’ll have for reading next month, so I’m excited that I did as much as I did in August! So, without any further ado, let us get into my August 2017 wrap up!

Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan - 4/5 stars

I listened to the audiobook for Brain on Fire in the first few days of August while I worked some early morning shifts at work, and enjoyed it! I haven’t read a piece of nonfiction in a while, and found Brain on Fire incredibly interesting. Following Susannah’s story as she and her family attempt to unravel the mystery that is her medical condition was intriguing, and heartbreaking. I’m usually not a fan of things that have medical themes in them, but this wasn’t the case for Brain on Fire! However, as I listened to the audiobook, I found myself extremely put off by the narrator, and very much disliked her. I didn’t find the use of badly imitated accents for every person who didn’t have an American accent necessary, and took me out of the story.

False Hearts by Laura Lam- 2/5 stars

(Taken from my Goodreads review) I really wish that I had liked this book more. I'd been hearing really great things across multiple platforms, and when it came available at my library I was super excited to pick it up. Unfortunately, I found that this book was incredibly slow and incredibly predictable. It honestly felt like nothing happened until the last 60 pages. While the plot was a neat idea, and the world was very interesting, overall it wasn't executed well. I didn't enjoy the writing style of Taema, but I did really like the chapters from Tila's perspective- in fact, that is the one reason I stuck it out until the end. While I can see why so many people loved this book, it just wasn't for me.

Wildman by J.C. Geiger - 4/5 stars

This book seriously surprised me- that is, I liked it way more than I expected to! I was completely enraptured by the writing style, and while I didn’t necessarily enjoy the main character, Lance, I found his story compelling and loved following him through his journey of discovery. I enjoyed the cast of characters SO much- they were all so interesting and flawed and real. However, I hated the whole “manic-pixie-dream-girl” thing we had goin on. I hate that trope, which is why I’m still shocked that I liked this book as much as I did. Nonetheless, Wildman is certainly on my list of 2017 favourites.

Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher - 4/5 stars

This was a super quick and fun read! I absolutely adore Carrie Fisher, and miss her with every ounce of my being, so I really thought that Wishful Drinking was going to make me cry and fill me with nostalgia, but instead it filled me with joy and made me laugh! A very nice, light read with heavy subject matter that I would recommend to any Carrie Fisher fan.

The Princess DIarist by Carrie Fisher - 4/5 stars

Yes, I did read two of Carrie Fisher’s books back to back this month, except I listened to The Princess Diarist on audiobook while at work. Again, I really expected to cry while listening to Carrie speak about Star Wars, but instead it opened my eyes to a whole different side to the franchise. Listening to her daughter read Carrie’s diary entries was very interesting and left me wanting more.

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard: The Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan - 4/5 stars

What a fun start to a series! After rereading The Lightning Thief in July, I decided to pick up Magnus Chase after seeing that it is part of the Young Reader’s Choice Awards for 2018! It was a fun book that I read fairly quickly, and it left me wanting more after I finished it. Although some of the story felt a tad predictable (which I will forgive due to the series being middle grade, and because of how much I love Rick Riordan,) it was FUNNY. I laughed out loud so many times while reading this book! I can’t wait to continue on with the rest of the series, and the rest of Rick Riordan’s books!

Gabi, a Girl in Pieces by Isabel Quintero - 4/5 stars

(Taken from my Goodreads review) I liked this book a lot more than I thought I would! It was a fun read, with an interesting writing style and format that kept me engaged. I adored watching Gabi find her passion for writing and poetry throughout her story and watching her fall in love with the people around her. My only issue came in the very beginning, where Gabi and another character use the R slur to describe two disabled people, and in a very derogatory manor. While this doesn't show up any other point in the book, I was very close to putting it down because of this one instance. I understand that Gabi is in high school, and some teenagers speak like that, but overall I felt like it was completely unnecessary. Other than that, I enjoyed this book!

Dreadnought by April Daniels - 4/5 stars

(Taken from my Goodreads review) What a wonderful story!! We need more books like this- an unapologetic trans lesbian?? Yes PLEASE!! The plot was really cool, the characters were interesting and had me continually guessing about who they would turn out to be, but sometimes the teen angst got to be a bit much. Obviously I can forgive the angst cuz like, Danny has an extremely difficult situation on her hands, so it's understandable. I found myself skimming the action scenes near the end, but I think that's just because action isn't my favourite genre. All in all, a fun and important read, and I am excited to read the next one!

Tell the Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt - 5/5 stars

I cannot believe that I almost didn’t pick this book up. Truthfully? This is now tied for my favourite book of all time- that is how much I adored this novel. God, it was so hard hitting. This was another story that surprised me with how much I enjoyed it. I was expecting to like it, but certainly was not ready for the intensity with which I fell head over heels for it. The writing is absolutely gorgeous, and the characters were just so real and tangible. The complexity of the relationships in this novel blew me out of the water. Such an honest and beautiful novel that has left me in a bit of a slump since I finished it! (I haven’t cried this hard after finishing a book since I finished TFiOS 5 years ago…)

Fifteen Dogs by André Alexis - 3/5 stars

This just simply wasn’t the book for me. I listened to the audiobook, which may have hindered my reading experience due to multitasking while listening, but I just found myself uninterested and disengaged from the story. An interesting plot for sure, but just not the type of book I find myself drawn to.

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard: The Hammer of Thor by Rick Riordan - 4/5 stars

Again, another fun, light, and fast paced Rick Riordan book that I enjoyed! I found this book more predictable than the first one, but liked it nonetheless. I am very excited to see where the 3rd book goes and can’t wait to see more development from this cast of characters, Alex specifically!

Wink Poppy Midnight by April Genevieve Tucholke - 3/5 stars

I listened to the audiobook for Wink Poppy Midnight and enjoyed the fact that it was a cast of narrators rather than just one. Poppy’s narrator bothered me just a tad but not enough for it to disrupt my reading experience. The writing in this novel is very interesting- at times I was astonished by the language and the flow, and sometimes I was sitting there thinking “really? Was that really the best way to construct that idea?” I was certainly intrigued from the beginning but found myself constantly annoyed with the characters. The relationships felt forced, and the ending seemed rushed and tied the story up oddly and left me unsatisfied. I was really hoping that the story would turn into a spooky, paranormal, thriller type but instead was tied up with a lazy “teens playing pranks” bow. Also not a fan of the lowkey queerbaiting between Wink and Poppy- could’ve done without the two girls kissing for “shock value.”

The Smell of Other People’s Houses by Bonnie-Sue Hitchcock - 4/5 stars

Check out my review that I posted earlier this week here to see my thoughts!

Kids of Appetite by David Arnold - 3/5 stars

I read Arnold’s other book, Mosquitoland, in 2016 and really enjoyed it, and was really hoping that I would feel the same way about Kids of Appetite, but unfortunately this one fell a bit short for me. It’s your classic YA contemporary- main character loses parent due to illness and is sent on a wild goose chase in order to find peace and to fulfill said parent’s wishes, meets a band of misfits along the way and befriends them, and falls in love with the manic-pixie-dream-girl who sees him for who he really is. In all honesty, I was bored while reading this, but it did make me laugh. I liked most of the characters, and that was the main reason I pushed through until the end. I, for one, am a complete sucker for the “found family” trope, and for that reason I loved the relationships between the KOA. Overall, a fine book, but I certainly enjoyed Mosquitoland better.

Summerlost by Ally Condie - 3/5 stars

I couldn’t place where I had heard Ally Condie’s name before, and then I remembered: Matched, a book I seriously disliked when I read it in junior high despite the praise of what felt like everyone around me. Luckily, I made that connection after I finished listening to Summerlost, because honestly that would’ve stopped me from picking it up if I had realized sooner. That being said, I enjoyed Summerlost, but found it way too simplistic for my liking- writing style, plot, everything. I thought this was going to be a YA novel, but it is very clearly middle grade. I wanted to see more from both our main character’s families- Cedar’s before the novel begins, and Leo’s while the novel progressed. I wanted to know more about Ben and his relationship to not only Cedar, but Miles and their parents as well. I felt like this book could’ve easily been a 4 or 4.5 star if certain aspects had been expanded on.

I’m also currently reading The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness, and about 80% through the audiobook for Little & Lion by Brandy Colbert!

Well, that’s all for this month! I’m honestly exhausted thinking about how much I read this month. Thanks for reading! 

Q: What was your favourite book that you read this month? What’s on your TBR for September? Let me know!