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02/19/2020

Sometimes I like to transcribe letters to my future baby in my head about the lessons I've learned.

I'm not sure how to explain but ever since I was little I had this feeling that I couldn't carry a baby for some reason. We give it our best and I really hope but at the end of the day the idea of it actually working seems kind of ridiculous and not real to me.

These are dark days and this world is so rotten, is it really a good idea to bring a new soul into it? I want to so bad but I feel like everything is against us, money, my disability.. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone we're trying because I think they'll think I'm an idiot given our circumstances. But what am I supposed to do? Give up on being a mom because I'm poor? It's not fair..

I admit though that I'm equally disappointed and relieved when the tests come back negative. It's a weird feeling.

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When you really hungry but yo cats doin this

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02/18/2020

I pray that some day I will get to explain to my grandchildren that I lived in a wild time when people were allowed to suffer and die because they were denied health care. I pray they look at me with wide eyes and shocked expressions as I explain to them that the innovations that took so long to make actually existed - the cure, the treatment, new experimental help, all of it - but we were denied it because of our income. I pray they they don't take it for granted even though they didn't have to deal with it in their life time. I pray it blows their minds when they think about how long people dealt with this in our country. I pray it teaches them a valuable lesson about human nature that they take to heart and I pray our struggle to fix it inspires them not to be bitter about their own struggles in their time. I pray I find ways to help fix this instead of sitting on my ass and praying.

I know these are dark days, like nothing we anticipated or prepared for and it's hard to even imagine an end to them but if history has taught me anything it will come. We are all prisoners of hope. 

There are so many things I worried I would never have in my life, I felt them in the back of my mind when I wasn’t worrying, like a black cloud hanging over me that never rained colouring my world. But when the sun finally showed up, and oh was she beautiful, my only regret was that I had worried so much over something as certain as the sunrise.

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Had to cull a few more plants yesterday, I thought “I’ve destroyed many a plant with my darkness” so brooding and deep lol but it’s true, I just don’t get enough sunlight and the lightbulbs I can afford don’t quite cut it either. But that’s okay, it’s a freeing feeling, now I can focus more on low light plants. It still varies but there are plants that don’t mind the low light here so bad, my begonias have really thrived in it!! I’d like to give violets a go, my mom always told me about how her mother used to grow them.

A few years ago in November I went to Florida with a work friend of mine, a snap decision I made just cuz Lucy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) is fun and spontaneous and talked me into it. It was so wonderful, the surprisingly best time I’d had in forever and I always dreamed of going back. I was hoping it would be like that when Kenny and I went to Disneyworld but well.. ugh let’s just say it wasn’t and move on.

Yesterday Lucy posted a bunch of pictures of her and her kids in Florida, they were coming to see the manatees that head to electric plants in the winter. I always hoped she’d ask me to go with her again and in that moment I knew I could never go back. Not back to Florida mind you, just back to relive those two amazing days I had with her. Her kids are growing up, I never got to spend time with her daughter like I wanted to and we’re just growing apart. As you can imagine with my disability I don’t get out much and I can tell that constantly pisses her off. I don’t get to keep very many friends in the real world where people expect me to physically show up all the time, I feel like it’s my own damn fault.

Anyway pity party over we’re moving on! I still want to go back to see the beach though, even if it can’t be the same. Maybe I can make something else just as special, at the very least it’ll be interesting. I feel like maybe I should go by myself but Idk how I would handle something like that.. I just don’t want people interfering and keeping me from doing what I want to do. I feel like I would end up arguing a lot with my mom, Kenny would go but I know he would hate the beach plus his work schedule is a nightmare.

My whole life wanted to see sea turtles hatch, I thought you had to go a lot farther away than Florida to see it but it turns out you don’t. I found a couple conservation groups where you can walk the beach at night and possibly see some, I think one was close to where the manatees go too. I wanna go there and I think maybe I’m supposed to do it alone. 

Ever since the first time I saw a video of sea turtles hatching it blew my mind that they knew what to do and where to go. Their parents were long gone and they were literally just born yet somehow they just know to crawl to the sea and take care of themselves. I know many of them don’t survive very long but each one is bound and determined and by some miracle some of them make it and come back to leave their own babies later, even with scientific explanation you gotta admit that’s pretty incredible.

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When you see a stuffed animal that fell down or is misplaced in the store so you prop it up on a face level shelf so they can find a nice home.

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My husband doesn’t laugh at my jokes.

“You know, I wouldn’t be offended if you faked a laugh when I said something funny”

“Oh.. I’m sorry, did I miss something?”

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“Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real”

- The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams, 1922