#em has wednesday wiggly worms

[marvel-ous-m]

Wiggy Wednesday 🧠🪱

I was tagged by @devondespresso @steviewashere and @hotluncheddie !!! Thanks for the tags bros, sending love your way <3

Okay, this one is a little bit sad, TWs for depression and isolation.

I've been having a lot of thoughts about Steve being left alone for so much of his life.

I know this is explored a lot in fandom, but there are some aspects of his isolation that I think are especially heart-wrenching.

Steve, who only spends time with people when he's at school. Mother and Father are on another trip, and they've fired his nanny, so he's ten and alone in a big, big house with no one to talk to. He leaves school on Friday afternoon, only to return on Monday mornings with his voice raspy from disuse. He becomes 'the quiet kid', until he meets a boy named Tommy who gets him out of his shell, a boy who asks him to spend time together on weekends. A boy who helps him speak.

Steve, who immerses himself in social hierarchy as a means of running away from the lonely feeling eating him from the inside out. If he's surrounded by people, he can't possibly be lonely, right? He's able to believe that until high school, when the lonely feeling begins to nag at him again, relentless. It's there when he returns to his empty home, it's there when he's at school and surrounded by his friends, by his teammates, by girls. It's always there. He tries to smother it by shrouding himself in popularity, then tries to drown it by throwing parties where he gets so drunk he can't see straight. Still, at the end of the day when he finds himself wrapped in a plaid comforter with matching patterned walls surrounding him, it is only the loneliness that remains.

continued below the cut

Steve, who finds a reprieve from the crushing feeling of isolation after a moment of absolute tragedy. Barbara Holland's life was taken too soon, in his own home, and Steve's loneliness is replaced by an overwhelming sense of guilt. He's never alone, though- he has Nancy at his side constantly. She's experiencing a similar kind of guilt, despite how many times Steve tells her it's not her fault. Steve's not alone, because her guilt keeps his company. He hates how her pain helps to relieve his own. The guilt grows.

Steve, who has his loneliness return with force, the guilt still unrelenting, after the events of Halloween, 1984. He has no one. Nancy is with Jonathan, and Steve's fairly certain that there's no hope of repairing that relationship. Tommy and Carol are a no-go, and all the teammates that he once called his friends are drawn to Billy like moths to a flame. They were never his friends, anyways- not really. They gravitated towards his popularity, his ability to put them in the spotlight. His reputation had soured, now. His name is only spoken by those gossiping about his fall from grace. It made sense that people wouldn't want to be associated with that. If he was in their shoes, he'd distance himself, too.

Steve, who finds himself becoming quiet again. Who was never called on much by teachers anyways, who doesn't have anyone to talk to, who returns to an empty house and an empty room every night. The loneliness becomes his shadow, and his light is extinguished by its darkness.

Steve, who finds himself abandoning his plaid walls in favor of driving around town into the late hours of the night. He calls it 'patrolling' when anyone asks- but really, questions have only come from Hopper once or twice, when the chief has had the bad luck of being stuck on the night shift. He drives until his eyes get dry from strain, then drives some more, until he begins to feel tears, until he's sobbing in the front seat, his hands banging against the steering wheel and his throat raw from his screaming. He drives until his body gives up, until the loneliness swallows him whole and the aching pain is gone, replaced by an eerie nothingness that has become all too familiar and painfully comfortable. He pulls over, then. He finds a spot hidden by trees and parks his car, then curls up in the backseat, exhaustion overtaking him.

Steve, who lives off of too few hours of sleep and too many bad dreams for months, until he's approached by the weird kid with curly hair, who asks him if he needs a place to say, who says that he's seen Steve sleeping in his car some nights.

Steve, who feels seen for the first time by a super senior that has been deemed The Freak of Hawkins High.

Steve, who tentatively opens himself up to the friendship.

Steve, who soon finds newfound solace in his nights, surrounded by the hazy comfort of smoke from a shared joint and the loving hold of a boy who sees him.

Loneliness is nowhere to be found.

No pressure tags!! (I know it might not be Wednesday in your timezone anymore but time is an illusion!!): @klausinamarink @hairstevington @pearynice @withacapitalp @lightoftheseraph @eyesofshinigami @scriptorbemi @sourw0lfs annnnd @ YOU! <3