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godlyborn · 3 years ago

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starting over. / ellie & ben.

date: june 21, 2021 summary: ellie and ben talk

Ellie knocked on the door to Ben's apartment, hoping that he wasn't busy. Ellie had been doing better, not the best, but definitely better the last few months. The biggest thing that was on her mind now was what went down with her and Ben the night they broke up. Ellie felt sick to her stomach just thinking about it, and she knew she needed to apologize, actually apologize. She remembers vaguely something about it after a day of drinking, but to Ellie, whatever that apology was, it didn't count. When the door opened, Ellie smiled slightly, as if that was to say sorry for showing up unannounced. "Hey, uh, have time to talk?" she asked.

The door almost closed in Ellie’s face, but Ben caught it and stepped a little closer. He let the wood rest against his shoulder and shoved his hands into his pockets. She wasn’t the absolute last person he expected to see, but she was close. And the question made him more than a little nervous. Talk about what? The run-in with Patrick from days before flashed through his head. “Um...” Ben glanced down when he heard a small beep at his feet. “Yeah,” he finally answered. He crouched down to pick up his cat, then pushed the door open even more with his back. “Do you... want to come in?”

Ellie stood there for a moment. She was nervous, why was she so nervous? Her mouth felt dry, she debated on whether she was actually ready for this. She needed to do this, he deserved this. "Do you want me to come in?"

Ben laughed a little and nodded. He decided she probably wasn't here because of her brother. But that meant she was here for something else, something he couldn't guess, so his stomach didn't unknot. “Yes, definitely, you can come in. I didn’t mean to sound like you were holding me at gunpoint or something,” he said, smiling at her. “I was just... surprised to see you.”

"Yeah, uh, sorry I just showed up," Ellie said. "I just would've chickened out if I planned any of this out, honestly."

That was alarming, and Ben focused his gaze on the cat in his arms in order to control his expression. “Fair,” he said weakly. “It’s okay, I’m just hanging out today. And Jacob is out so we can stay in the living room.” As opposed to what, going to his bedroom? Ben scolded himself silently for even implying it. She looked nervous enough. “Do you want water? Oh, and this is Frank.” Ben lifted his arms slightly, eliciting a small mew from the cat. “I don’t think you met.”

Ellie nodded slightly at his cat's direction. She twisted her fingers around themselves. "No, I'm uh, I'm okay," she replied. "I just, I wanted to kind of talk about our breakup and everything, when I'm sober."

“Oh.” Ben walked further into the living room and let Frank drop into the armchair, then leaned against it. He left the couch for Ellie, giving her space if she wanted it. “Okay. Sure.”

Ellie took a seat on the edge of the couch, unsettled slightly. "That night, it was a mess, to say the least," she said. "I wasn't doing well, I didn't do well for a long time, and I kind of put me over the edge. How I treated you thought, it's not an excuse, and I really am sorry about it, Ben. It shouldn't have happened."

Ben wished Ellie had said yes to water so he could have gotten one himself, and have something to do with his hands. Lacking anything to hold on to, they pressed into his jeans, rubbing small circles into his thighs. "I, um..." He worked his jaw and nodded again. "Yeah. I..." He sighed, closing his eyes. "Sorry. I understand what you're trying to do. But it feels wrong to accept an apology when I�� when I caused all that hurt."

Ellie frowned, this is what she feared. She wished sometimes that Ben had felt he deserved more than everything he was dealt. "Ben, I..." Ellie started, trying to find the right words. "No," she stated. "You did a shitty thing, a really shitty thing, and I didn't deserve. I wish you hadn't. That doesn't mean that you deserved what happened. No matter what you did, no one should hit you." It was like she was a different person when that happened. Parts of her didn't feel like it was her that hit Ben, but it was. "Don't ever believe that you deserved to be hit Ben, because you don't.”

"I—" Ben blinked a few times and looked away from her. Something heavy settled in his chest. "I know that, El," he said quietly, his voice going distant. "I just meant— I wasn't trying to say that I deserved it. Just..." He rubbed his brow, as if he might be able to dislodge his thoughts into something coherent. "Ugh, this is hard to talk about."

Elliot nodded in agreement at his later statement. This was hard. “I’m just saying, that everything that happened during that time, it wasn’t all you. All that pain, it was so much more, it wasn’t just you. Things were happening, that I don’t know where to even start, that I told no one about, not even Caspar, or Chase and Jesse, for a long time. Honestly, what happened to us was kind of the least of everything. I don’t know if that makes you feel better or anything.”

A small smile stretched over Ben's face, but it didn't last as Ellie continued to explain herself. Eventually, he looked back to her and shook his head. "It doesn't." The weight in his chest seemed to get even heavier. "Honestly, it just makes me think that... I was making it worse. I was so... I was dealing with a lot, too, and I handled it like shit. If you can believe it, I thought I was sparing your feelings by going behind your back. Which..." A humorless laugh slipped out of his mouth. "Gods, that was fucking stupid."

Ellie let out a small, awkward laugh with him and shook her head. “It was kind of stupid, not going to lie,” she replied. “I wish you would’ve told me it wasn’t working out. To be honest though, it probably would’ve imploded on my end within the last year, most things were. I could barely look Chase in the eyes for months because I was just so ashamed.” She leaned on her knees, twisting her fingers around each other, looking at her hands for a moment. “My pain, it wasn’t your fault. Maybe if everything didn’t happen, I would’ve handled it better. I just I don’t know, I kind of lost it, and then it was happening and it didn’t even feel like I was the one doing it, it was like I was watching myself do it, y’know?” She sighed and then shrugged, not sure if she was making any sense. “And you asked to talk outside, and I probably should’ve, I just, I didn’t feel safe to go alone somewhere with you because I knew if I had, I would’ve pretended it wasn’t a big deal. In turn, I hurt you, and that was wrong.”

Ben nodded. "That makes sense," he said. "I get it. I wasn't trying to make excuses that night, I just needed to... I wanted to get away from the noise and crowd and... honestly," he cringed, "your brothers. I'm not trying to say that I, I got what was coming or anything, El, but I just... we both fucked up, but I fucked up a lot more." After another pause, he continued, more careful and wary. "Um, can I ask... why you decided to talk about this, um, now?"

Ellie nodded, “I guess that makes sense, I heard what happened between you, Jesse, and Chase,” she replied. She shrugged at the last question. “I’ve been, uh, going to therapy, and I realized we never really talked about it, and never apologized when I was sober, or when I wasn’t going through an insane amount of stuff. I thought you deserved a more sincere apology.”

He cringed again. Of course she knew, he'd be shocked if she didn't know, but the reminder was unpleasant. Ben controlled his expression, though, as Ellie started to explain herself some more. "That's..." He released a breath and gave her a small smile. "I'm really glad you're going to therapy, El. Um—" he stared into the space above her head, thinking carefully before he spoke, then looked at her again. Despite himself, he maintained eye contact, trying to give her just as sincere a reply. "And I appreciate that. I'm glad you're doing better."

"Thanks," she said, considering his last statement. "And like I said before, you totally do not need to forgive me, I just wanted you to know," Ellie said, even though it made her feel weird, feeling like even though she apologized, it didn't make her feel better. It made her feel like she didn't deserve any forgiveness, much like many other things. She was still pretty confused on that part. "I do hope that maybe one day we could be friends?"

Ben shrugged. "It's already forgiven," he said. This still felt wrong, but clearly she was struggling with guilt, and it felt more wrong to let her keep wrestling with it. He knew what it felt like, and she didn't deserve that. "And I hope that, too, El." He took a risk and walked over to her, sitting next to her on the couch. "I— I consider myself really lucky that you want me in your life at all."

Ellie turned to look at him when he took a seat next to her. She smiled slightly at his comment. She didn't quite know why it sent butterflies through her when he looked at her still. "I'm not sure if we'll ever be what we were, I don't know how to really trust you when it comes to that, but I think that I can still trust you as a friend, even with the history."

Okay, he deserved that. The comment stung, but she was right, and he knew that. Ben nodded, glancing down to the space between them on the couch. Muscle memory alone nearly made his hand slide over to find hers, but he stopped it before he could move and give himself away. "I agree. I think we work, uh, better as friends. That..." he chuckled quietly, "sounds cliche, but. I mean it."

Ellie let out a small laugh, wiping her palms on her knees, slightly anxious. “I’m glad,” she said, looking up at him. It was weird but it felt like he was different. She wasn’t sure if it was because of what they both went through this past year, or if somehow he looked like a weight was lifted from him. She hoped that it was the latter, though their bad blood, she still believed that Ben deserved some peace for once in his life. Ellie let out a shaky breath, a small chuckle escaping her lips. Ellie was never able to hide anything from Ben. “Are you okay? You know, with everything? I know that it’s not my place to really worry about you anymore, but I do. I don’t think that part will ever go away.”

Okay was relative. He was doing better, he thought, overall. The past few days had been rough, but Ben didn't really want to bring up that Ellie's brother was giving him nightmares. It felt like it might ruin the moment, or make things worse for him. Still, he wasn't lying when he told her, "I'm doing okay." If this had been a year ago, this might have wrecked him. "I, uh, I'm going to therapy, too. My roommate kinda bullied me into it," he said with another tiny laugh. "It's really helped me, um, make sense of a lot of things."

Ellie nodded slightly at Ben. "I am happy for you Ben, really," she said. She was kind of jealous that his roommate got him going to therapy, when she hoped that for him for years. Ellie thought she didn't push too hard, in fear of pushing him away or looking like a hypocrite. "I'm hope you get the answers that you need out of that."

Ben shrugged and glanced away from her, uncomfortable despite himself. "Me, too," he replied. He leaned back into the couch and made himself look at Ellie, maintain eye contact. "I hope the same for you, too."

Ellie's eyes met his, and she melted. Ellie hated how he could do that to her with one look. She was silent, the room didn't have tension, it was just silent. She cleared her throat. "Uh, I should, uh, go?"

He didn't realize he was staring (a little more than an ex-boyfriend should) until Ellie broke the still, quiet moment between them. A small frown tugged at Ben's mouth. He thought about saying she could stay, but Ben couldn't think of a reason why that wasn't strange or perhaps crossing a boundary. "I— Okay. Sure."

Ellie felt like Ben had something on the tip of his tongue, just by the way he paused and responded. "Unless, you want me to stay," she said. Ellie wasn't entirely sure what to do in this situation.

Ben's chest tightened. "I just, don't want you to feel like you... have to leave?" He sighed and shook his head, trying to play the weirdness off. "But I'll... I guess I should, um, warm up a bit before band practice."

Ellie let out a small laugh, probably not the most appropriate time, but it was ironic. He didn't want her to feel like she had to leave, and here she was thinking he was uncomfortable with her being here. "I just, sorry, I just figured you might be uncomfortable with me here or something," she replied. "I uh," she let out a sigh through her nose. "Let's try to start over, yeah? Uh, do you think it would be okay if I stay and listen to you warm up?"

The way she'd been sitting there, looking like a wound up spring, made him think that she would grab at the first opportunity to leave. This was entirely unexpected. His first worry was— regrettably— what Chase would think. Then Koda, and then, Patrick. He was sure the nightmares would only get more intense if Ellie even mentioned this conversation. As much as he was trying not to worry about it, that gave him the quickest, smallest pause. But it didn't matter, because he was already nodding. "Sure. Yeah, let me, um," he stood, "I'll get my guitar."

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