#either way I’ll be very autistic and normal about it of course

[floralstorms]

oh gosh. oh my. I have the impulse I have an impulse the impulse the impulse the impulse the impulse the impulse the impulse the impulse

what a surprise it’s not like I haven’t been. Invested in them for over a year or something now. aha. Ha. Ha. Hhhwwwwooughhhh

[fumifooms]

Laios Touden and autism; admiring the non-human

Do you think people exaggerate when they scream about Laios being autistic? Do you feel like it’s weird that so many people including autistics are so set on Laios, the problematic (but incredible and kind) king TM, being the most autistic that has ever autisticed? Why do we cheer on autistic people wanting to be monsters?? Isn’t that weird?

Well, of course it depends on the way it’s done, it can be done quite offensively, but long story short Kui blew it out of the park. The thing is, autistic people really do like monsters and animals and robots. Nonhuman does not mean subhuman, it just means Other. Feeling a connection with them has been shown to be an extremely common autistic experience for that very reason.

Because some people don’t understand why we autistic Tumblr Laios stans cheer “autism! Autism!” whenever he talks about monsters and feeling alienated to humans so! Here’s a post about how yes even research papers are analyzing the special connection we form with animals. I’m not even joking but Laios Touden & the mass cries of relatability with autistic people he gets and all the love for him could be used as study material and evidence for future papers because the link is that strong. Oh also I think it’s notable that being autistic and undiagnosed vs diagnosed makes a huge difference. In my experience as someone who was undiagnosed up until 18, it’s even more alienating to not know that there’s a reason why you’re different, being gaslit that you’re ‘normal’ and you just need to try harder and get with the program, etc. Personally when getting diagnosed I went through the 5 stages of grief because the thought of having been fundamentally different all your life (a difference which you will never be able to change) and mistreated for it when you weren’t “wrong” all along makes you unload all the anger and sadness and loneliness and sheer trauma you’ve built up over time. Like it’s world shattering.

So! Back to seeing dogs as family. Also I implore you to value experiential evidence when it comes to autism and other neurodivergences because brains are complicated and neurotypicals not being able to understand us well even with scientific research is like, a whole thing even though we’re right there speaking about how we feel and being right every time because the topic is literally us and how we experience the world. 

Disclaimer for this whole post that, of course, no group is a monolith and everyone has different experiences or can diverge from the norm of the group, and that doesn’t diminish the validity of either side! Like, I know autistic people who have trauma with dogs and hate them. But, trends do happen, and in this case... Autism is very “My experiences with humans make me feel dehumanized in a bad and lonely way so instead I’ll dehumanize myself in a good and inspiring way”.

“I was treated like a failed human my entire life and you’re surprised that my response was to become a dog.” -Patricia Taxxon

It’s literally well recorded that autistic people relate to animals more than humans globally. With this post, besides spreading autistic Laios truthism and explaining why the portrayal hits so deep for so many,  I want to show in what way this is a very specific experience and not looking at his character through an autistic lense really misses a lot of why he’s everything that he is. (Tacking allegedly onto here for legal reasons, different interpretations are valid etc etc /gen). This honestly isn’t super long though.

To define an important term, anthropomorphism in the studies and in this post means to attribute human traits to the nonhuman, which not only includes anthro furry designs but also animals irl, inanimate objects, and animated media as opposed to live action, to humanize them and empathize with them.

Paper: https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0027 

“Dogs taught me how to hunt and socialize and work in groups”, Laios having internalized body language... So real so real. I, too, make a great dog impression. And I want to emphase the part that it helps greatly develop a sense of emotions and relationships! For Laios, he didn’t get along with kids his age, it was him, Falin and the dogs against the world. Since it’s a group of dogs too, it taught him group dynamics and social hierarchies (like with Falin being considered as being below the dogs in authority according to the dogs rip), and the importance of group coordination when hunting.

For me, I cannot like, concisely explain just how much animals were important to me developmentally. I also grew up with dogs, but like I vividly remember encounters with like hamsters as well just radically shaping my understanding of boundaries, the importance of giving something space and the way you interact with them and respect their side of it. Unlike humans they don’t really mask how they feel, it’s direct cause-effect reaction and data gathering. There are no words involved, so the focus on having a perfect phrasing and tone is gone, leaving just pure interactions. 

There’s also no reason to mask how you feel either, and you don’t have to feel silly over wanting to form a connection and it showing, what, is the dog gonna laugh at you because you obviously want to make friends with it? Toshiro or Kabru might, but dogs and cats will just tell you to fuck off and leave it there worst case scenario. I often say that I think one reason Marcille is special to Laios and he feels comfortable around her is because she emotes INTENSELY, she gestures, she puts her whole body into it, her facial expressions are pretty exaggerated and her ears even emote too- like with a dog’s ears!

I think there’s def also things to be said about how he gravitated towards Izutsumi at first, all excited, was eager to sleep in the same bed as her, but in the Izutsumi sleep rating chart we see they really just casual and chill so it’s not a Laios talking to Shuro deep into the night situation just a “I like sleeping besides animals” situation and that is enough to hype him up. I love how he pet her in the extra about why Chil let her sleep with him too. He’s just so transparently eager to befriend her, even if in the end they weren’t all that compatible and he accepted that.

There are honestly so many examples I could give for this. Like Grandin the famous cow lady.

More about autism & empathy:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/ (Also mentions a study in which groups of autistic, allistic then a mixed group played a game of telephone and both singular groups had similar levels of information retention, but the mixed group was significantly worse. As an autistic person yeah duh, obviously autistic people are different from one another and can have plenty of interpersonal issues, but communicating with other neurodivergent people feels pretty intuitive and straightforward and comfortable. One of the reasons why neurodivergent people tend to naturally gravitate towards each other I suppose.) 

^ Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5932358/  For good, extensive summary of why we relate to animals so much you can go to the “anthromorphizing and asd” section of the paper. This paper extends to our widespread liking of cartoons and robots as well. Ok so this is a whole thing I won’t get into here but this is a big reason why a lot of autistic people are agender leaning as well. Genders and queerness in general is a lot about social constructs, and being queer is being marginal to these, not fitting into boxes or challenging those social norms and conventions. Queerplatonic relationships are a great example of this, where the framework of the relationship is platonic but the intangible nature of what it is exactly is the point, not familial not anything but everything at once too, just adoration, I like to say having pets is a bit like it as well, bc obvi it’s not romantic and often not fully familial, very platonic but also sooo much cuddling and adoration and kissing and whatnot that you wouldn’t typically do with a friend or family member. I’ll talk about qpr and labels another day though.

I got carried away but queerness in Dunmeshi is something I 100% want to make a big post on one day. Experiencing the world with different guidelines and not registering things to have the same boxes, sigh. Personally I also relate to Laios on a gender level, “cis by default because I don’t care all that much but if I were to dig deeper I’m probably otherkin and I want to be socially associated with traits of monsters and animalistic rather than man/woman” sighh hard to be a cryptid in this day and age. I wish we had a term like furry but for monsters, I want to be in the fantasy or folk tale genre ty, like changelings. Goshh changelings... You know, the irl myth where people said their neurodivergent kids were fairies’ children instead of human. Diminished physical sense of self means I see myself as some unknowable black  void aesthetic wise, but like in a way that simultaneously makes me feel seen. Like becoming a monster, losing your sense of self but also somehow just being simplified and seen for what you are, it’s weird to try and explain. This post is more about relating to the nonhuman than about seeing yourself as such, but like connect the dots right, that IS an important point of Laios’ character. It’s because our brains literally work different than allistics which makes us feel as other, but also because of social ostracization and functioning in a different way than society at large, living in the margin of society, being weird and non-conforming.

Meanwhile, animals and social norms... Like ok, showing your neck and rolling on the ground to show that you’re friendly and harmless and play biting might not be proper. But have you considered that it’s also fun and feels very intuitive. Play with a dog in the dog’s way I promise it is so nice and freeing. Play tug of war and growl back when they growl. Hiss at your cat to tell them they do something wrong, engage with them on their level.

Autism made social life hard, but it made animals easy. Do you have anyyy idea how good it feels to mask all day every day and feel constantly misunderstood or like you’re doing a performance but then you can just, drop all of that in the company of animals and they understand you. They understand you. You form an understanding and rapport so easily.

And this whole thing with Laios is so explicit too, with the Winged Lion saying “You’re sick and tired of the human world”. Notice the choice of words. Sick and tired of the human world. Exhausted from the constraints, sick of the mind games. It really isn’t as much about loving monsters as it is about loving the nonhuman. Relating to them because you feel that you can actually understand how they work and think, and feeling like they could understand you back as well. Animals are safe.

Like I could go on about how Laios admiring even just demi-humans like orcs is because they’re socially seen as non-humans more than any true physical thing, that they’re not bound by human society and its rules and live with their own lifestyle. But it would deal myself 1000 points of psychic damage and I am not ready to cry today. It’s idealization 100%, and like, Laios DOES want to be treated as human, to be valued, but it feels like an unreachable thing meanwhile becoming a monster is instant gratification and freedom and a sense that now no one will be able to hurt you in a way that reaches you, never again shall you be defenseless, and then if people dehumanize you then that only strengthens your sense of identity as a monster and UGHH ugh ugh.

And like. This post is a mess at this point but if you want to kinda delve into the more “why” then I recommend this Patricia Taxxon video essay. It starts out on a very different topic, but it’s all about autism and finding comfort in the inhuman. Long story short is othering made us like this also animals are just simpler to intuitively get along with.

So when I post this

I mean it. I really mean it when I say he’s me. I have never felt so seen. So many conflicting emotions all wrapped so concisely yet so intangibly woven into the whole storyline so subtly. 

Not being depicted as a monster of an human being for feeling/having felt that way?? The manga understands you. The world can understand you. Other humans can understand you. You can bond with them. You can. And I think that’s a big part of Dungeon Meshi too- Laios opening up to others about how he really is and his interests, and all the bumps on the way but how it was the only way to truly get to know each other and bond. With the climax being Laios confronting head on his complex with monsters and humans, and his monster-loving side and animalistic side being exactly what saves the whole world, what saves humanity. Because Laios does value his friends, does think humanity has beautiful sides to it, he wants to help it thrive and eat and become more accepting, carving out a kingdom for misfits and demi-humans. At the end of it, transforming into a monster and being free is a daydream fantasy, and the reality of it is that Laios does belong in the world as he is, and does receive and give out love.

If you enjoyed this you’ll probably like some of my other Laios analysis!  Here’s an analysis of his succubus and what it says about his relationships with other humans. And here’s an analysis about his relationship with Shuro from his perspective.

[artreviewer23]

The development of this post has been rather complex in that it has changed multiple times within the last couple minutes. I don’t imagine that statement is of much intrigue or anything of the like especially basing it off the fact that you are currently reading what seems to be an Exorbitantly Long Post by a user by the name of Art Reviewer 23 no spaces no caps but you’ll understand why I’m saying this soon enough, at least, if anybody has the patience or will to read this lmfao.

I think there’s a certain concept on the internet that has truly intrigued me to no end and that is that of true anonymity. If you put in the effort, you can effectively be seen as a separate person through your actions online. I do not believe, however, that any way that you act online or in the physical world is not a reflection of at least a part of yourself - no matter how many accounts you have, they each are depictions of a certain part of yourself

With BPD, borderline personality disorder, there’s a weird aspect of it colloquially referred to as splitting. If I’m being honest, I cannot remember the definition of splitting, but I can describe what the word means to me, at least, in a limited on topic sense. There’s a feeling of wanting to express different parts of myself through different identities, wanting to lead something of a “double life” in some sense, have an ambiguous other identity that can help split how I feel into different specific moods or behavioural patterns. I doubt this is healthy - I feel like having a unified sense of self would actually be significantly more helpful, but unfortunately, it’s hard for me to feel like I should depict myself in such a clear cut manner.

Aside from BPD, I suspect having a couple other things for a couple other reasons. Unfortunately, the Great American Healthcare System 🇺🇸 Isn’t great with diagnosing personality disorders. I am diagnosed with BPD, but I am also most definitely autistic, and likely have OCPD and STPD as well. It’s strange that this is the first time I’ve put the idea of having those two into the world, aside from just my thoughts, but it is a freeing feeling. I’m conflicted really on how to represent this part of myself in my true self, though. I switch between moods extremely often, but when I’m with others, I often have to put up a more happy or friendly mood, which usually creates more problems in that it creates a greater pressure that I must act normal or regular and that contributes to a shitload of anxiety.

Unfortunately, personality disorders are very much treated as bad things. To me, when I realized I had BPD, the moment I read the symptom list and identified with every single one as if I’d written them myself to describe my own brain, I got scared of course - is this permanent, am I not normal, etc etc. 4 months later it’s really not a big deal. It wasn’t even a big deal a week after, really. A personality disorder, to me, is simply a part of who I am. It is as unchangeable as my Asexuality, or what shows and games I like, or whatever the fuck other examples I can’t think of off the top of my head. But to others, when I say I have BPD, there’s a pause, a “really? Diagnosed??” That sits strangely with me. Is there a regret here? Something to be afraid, upset about? No, of course not, but BPD is naturally not easy either. I live on cycles that move so quickly and are so widespread that when I hear others describing a yearlong cycle of depression I genuinely cannot relate to a significant scale because I’ll be bedrotting depressed for a couple hours then super excited happy and then super anxious an hour later and then incredibly angry right before I go to bed. Of course, if you’re reading this and you’re like me to some respect, this can’t be a surprise to you.

Now, this all begs the question, how do I deal with identity? Is it healthy that I could consider my personality disorders, my autism, to be a core part of who I am as a person, or should I throw away all that and act like who I believe myself to be? Of course this is an idiosyncratic and tautological statement - who I believe I am is still a me with all of my mental things. But it also lies at the heart of why I am doing this. When I am struggling, and I am asked how I feel, do I say “Ok” or do I say “yeah sorry my BPD is acting up and I’ll be tweaking the fuck out for a couple hours”? I’d like to say the latter, but will people respect that? Do I NEED to say it to get across “no I feel like shit fuckass” ?

When you vent on the internet, whether it’s on a stupidly long tumblr post you made on a whim, or some other shittier method lol! You do not talk to a physical person. You scream your lungs out into a forest where a tree could fall but there is no guarantee it will be heard, no tangible idea of a person that can truly respond but an idea, a name, a picture, a string of text. It’s all so surreal, so normal. So, after I, 3 days ago, and 2 years ago, posted a simple, can’t think of a better word than Post, about my thoughts on echo chambers (which I developed because my bitch ass friends would never fucking listen to me except for my best friend!) or my momentary struggle with a particularly severe episode of BPD, I felt this draw, this idea of I can keep doing this, yelling to the void, and it will give me a zone to exemplify another sense of my true self, one that I cannot depict on my YouTube channel which is really more autistic than anything else (in a good way! I love posting shit on there but I also will not be naming my channel for obvious reasons), the more philosophical or psychological part of myself that likes talking through shit. If you’ve read this far, I cannot really comprehend that the following are true: that A, you exist, and that B, you are not me. I guess we’ll see if one day that changes.

Have a good one, artreviewer23

[aftout]

pls may we have Liam lore i’m so autistic abt him

HELP THAT IS GENUINELY SUCH A SWEET THING OF YOU TO SAY AWE I’M HONORED

I get so confused over what lore I’ve shared here on tumblr and what lore I’ve shared to friends in DMs??? But I’ll try to comply a few fun tidbits ! :))

He is a Scorpio jus like me 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

I tried to write a proper drabble regarding this for his birthday and never finished it, but his first moments alive were a lot to take in. While his body was registering he could feel almost everything happening in his system. The way his muscles, once dead and slack, tightened around his bones, the way blood was suddenly pulsating through his veins, etc. He felt all of it! So that’s fun.

I think it is important to note that one of the first things he did when he was reanimated was help Igor with saving Victor’s life. And the first thing Victor ever said and did to him was gently cup his face in trembling hands and whisper “You’re alive.” I am very normal about this (lie)

He actually runs on battery life, in a way! Unlike the book’s portrayal (as neat as it is), Liam has to be recharged once every three to four months depending on how much energy he’s used; which fluctuates depending on things such as emotions and heavy labor. So for example, if a week is relatively stressful for him he uses up more power in comparison to if a week is more relaxed. Similarly, every few years he goes through full system renewals where Victor shuts him off for a while so he can replenish Liam’s blood, replace decaying body parts, fix any damaged wiring, and so on.

He cannot eat or drink because he has no functioning digestive system. So sad! He has absolutely no reproductive system either. So sad again! What he does have is tons of steampunk circuitry woven through his muscles! Woah! Make sure he doesn’t get too soggy!!

Yes, he can zap people. Sometimes it’s lethal sometimes he just wants to give Penny a jolt as a cruel trick.

Do not worry about the fact that he occasionally uses acid as mouthwash. Look, he needs it.

While Liam doesn’t need to sleep whatsoever, the situation is a bit different when he’s with Lily because for some odd reason she is able to trigger the little melatonin that his body manages to produce (he feels safe around her shhh).

Though intimidating in appearance, lots of strangers in London have found that he is quite good with discipline and a tough working force. There’s an ongoing gag throughout the series’ course where Liam keeps getting hired for short part-time jobs and since he has nothing better to do he just complies (shout out to funny B-plots).

The main reason he uses glasses is because his eyes aren’t really supposed to be seeing anything in the first place. His eyesight is bad as fuck because his eyes are DEAD! That’s no good!

Oh right, Biromantic king

He isn’t a Curious Case hater but boy do they sometimes push him (his dads are ANNOYING and he LOVES THEM but GOD DAMN).

When he’s not working obscure jobs or breaking down doors, he likes to read :)) He knows so many weird trivia about so many niche things because all he ever does is drown himself in books whenever he can.

Like Victor, Liam can speak German, French, Italian, and English :)

His middle name, Réan, is literally just. The first half of “Reanimated” with fancy-ish spelling. He is real proud of himself for that one.

[causalitylinked]

Not really drama-related, per say, but for context, this post was inspired by this recent confession and my overall two cents on the whole female muse debacle that the RPC seems super divided on.

To be honest, you will never see me making a rule that essentially boils down to, ‘If you can’t respect my female muses, you don’t deserve to write with my male muses’, because at the end of the day... if I pick up a muse, it’s either due to them actually being my favourite or I like them more than a normal amount, meaning I’ll always be thrilled whenever people express an interest in interacting with them, regardless of where they may fall on the gender spectrum.

Like, maybe I’m just coming from the privileged place of my muses already being from very niche games and how every muse I pick up is one I tend to autistically hyperfixate over, but I genuinely do not find it sus if someone ‘uses me’ for my male muses or follows me specifically for only one muse on my multi, because I just want to write.

And as someone who once forced herself to write/ship with female muses she secretly considered bland/uninteresting simply to fit in, I do not believe in forcing interactions anymore. Honestly, I’d rather people choose muses they’re actually interested in/can see interactions with rather than a random muse they don’t care for, but feel as if they have to interact with anyways because they’re female.

Granted, it can be argued that the overwhelming majority of my interactions happen to be with female muses anyways, but that’s only because I’m a big fan of the female ones I do follow, whether they be canon or original. Plus, as someone whose own female OC tends to get neglected because she isn’t easily shippable, I want to be known as someone who practices what she preaches by writing all kinds of relationship dynamics with other female muses even if mine isn’t interacted with in turn.

Seriously, I can gripe and whine about the RPC’s unfair treatment of female muses all I want, but it won’t improve the situation regarding them, so I just strive to interact with as many female muses as I possibly can, provided, of course, I genuinely like them. Oftentimes, though, this is done more so with my male muses rather than my female muses, but either way, my point still stands that I don’t really care which characters my mutuals would prioritize as long as they’re genuinely interested in them.

[cello-trash]

Some autistic Jack head canons I’ve been thinking about regarding Jacks acceptance of his autism

Bob and Alicia knew he was autistic from a very young age but don’t tell him out of a misplaced thought that he’ll be better off not knowing and that he could be “more normal” that way

They esp don’t want the press to find out bc god knows what headlines they’d write

so Jack grows up knowing he’s “different” bc of how other people treat him but not knowing why

He gets officially diagnosed right after his OD when he really starts going to therapy regularly but he feels like it’s just another thing that makes him “fucked up” so he tries to mask even harder

Jack is esp sensitive to noise and he can get overstimulated easily. This makes hockey games hard sometimes. Usually he’s so focused on the hockey he doesn’t even notice how loud the arena is, but sometimes his head buzzes and he gets so overwhelmed that afterwards he has to just lay in the dark not speaking or moving for hours after the game

When he’s home, Bitty lays on top of Jack like a weighted blanket which is one of jacks favorite things. Bitty will feed him finger food and have him drink water to make sure he’s physically fine while Jack is nonverbal

When it’s an away game Bitty gifts Jack Monsieur Bun and Jack runs his fingers over the little stuffed animal and it calms him down

Things get better for Jack when he stops thinking of autism as something that means he’s a fuck up

it’s actually bc of Bitty he realizes this. He sees just how much stim toys and accommodations help Bitty with ADHD but sees how ashamed Bitty is of using them and when he tries to convince Bitty to use them when he needs them Bitty raises an eyebrow and goes “I’ll do it if u also stop being ashamed Mr. Zimmermann” and Jack goes “…oh…”

Once Jack gets some stim toys he realizes that he’s actually been stimming his whole life to calm himself calm down when he’s overwhelmed: the way he’d rock back and forth on the bench, the way he’d chew on his mouth guard, the way he’d tap his thighs in repetitive patterns, etc.

As he starts to mask less he finds that sometimes he’ll verbally stim by reciting people’s hockey stats on the bench (he memorized the stats for most of the NHL when he was a kid but mostly these days it’s Bitty’s stats) or flap his hands around

When the press see him do this he doesn’t really respond and just stares at them blankly until they move on… he doesn’t really see how him being autistic is their business

That changes tho when some other NHL Player in their division starts campaigning for AutismSpeaks and all of a sudden Jack is checking this man really hard constantly and getting into little fights with him

Of course people notice and he gets asked about it at a press conference

And Jack goes “well he’s either an uninformed idiot who should look into the orgs he works with before he does or he’s a piece of shit who represents a piece of shit organization” and he goes on this rant about all the shitty things AutismSpeaks has done/advocated for

And when the press asks him why he knows so much about it he goes “bc I’m fucking autistic. Y’all always called me a hockey robot with no emotions I’m surprised it took you this long to figure it out.” And then he walks out of the press room

Bitty gives him the biggest hug and kisses afterwards and makes Jack his favorite pie (but not before they have hot sex)

Shitty calls him the next day and is like “bro I’m so sorry I called u a robot and made fun of u bro that was so ableist of me bro”

And Jack rolls his eyes and says “when the press called me an emotionless robot it always struck a nerve but with u it was always fond… u always stayed behind to explain jokes I didn’t get or play with my hair or whatever. U had my back and it was a joke… plus how do u know that I’m not actually a robot beep beep boop boop

Jack becomes an advocate for autism while he’s playing and then once he retires he does lots of fundraising and such

At first Bob and Alicia don’t get why he would want everyone to know that he’s autistic but after a serious talk with Jack they understand that they were thinking about it the wrong way. They were never malicious but they raised Jack during the peak of the “vaccine autism scare” and so subconsciously thought of autism as a curse

Jack jokes that thank god they didn’t actually understand that autism wasn’t a bad thing bc then they might have become Autism Parents tm and they’d have shitty puzzle piece tattoos

[highqualitydailydrawing]

Hi! I’m Zeke. I just got a kickass Asteroids sketchbook with lots of grid dots. I think it’s compatible with those cool digital pens that automatically scan your work. Seeing it made me decide it’s time to do that thing I do every few years - try to learn to draw. I found a $5 set of colored pencils at Ross, ordered a cheap art pencil set, and here we are.

I have a pretty severe lack of drawing talent, making me a terrible autistic. I’ve taken multiple college beginner level art courses and the one result of all of them was failure, either because I was a terrible student, had a terrible teacher, or both.

One time I learned that after class is over, you’re supposed to take your work home and finish it there. I thought that with the model gone everything was done that could be done, but I learned I was wrong during our mid-term portfolio review!

Today I learned that thumbnail sketches aren’t actually studies of your thumbnail, which made sense during a life drawing class because hands are hard and the teacher didn’t bother to tell me otherwise when she came to look at my work.

I’m going to try and do something every day - it may be terrible, but at the least I’ll overcome my twin guilts of buying and never using a nice notebook, or buying a notebook better than I deserve and ruining it.

Here’s my first entry. Entries? In the spirit of video games and organization, color swatches and some fourth-gen-ish characters. From memory. Not even bothering with shading lol.

Genuine considerations for improvement - there’s a reason people make jokes about drawing from memory as a way to produce bad drawings!

I still have a major tendency to draw very small and always have. That’s something I gotta break out of to improve.

Exaggerated proportions are actually very, very difficult when starting out and I’m actually going to start with like...tangible, normal objects in the world, like we did in my actually very good remedial art for programmers class.

I don’t know why I gave Kirby some Toriyama eyes, did my brain just think “pink menace that eats chocolate and people” and declare Majin Buu?

PS I also realized I am also starting this project to spite this man and his absurdly high baseline of “my art sucked” when he’s out here producing better work in his crap phase than most do in our entire lives. Look at this man. Look at the audacity. He has genuine good advice in his channel but THE AUDACITY.

[werevulvi]

You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.

So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...

At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.

I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.

It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.

And now for the obligatory life story:

I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.

So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.

When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.

Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.

So then, have I ever made any attempts?

Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.

So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.

Would I date a disabled person?

Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.

I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...

Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?

Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...

I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.

I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.

So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.

That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.

There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.

BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.

So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.

So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note. Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.

[soulvomit]

One of the things I’m thinking about, is how my hyperfixation stuff works. I haven’t seen it really described this way in autism spaces; maybe different words are being used to discuss this, but whatever the case may be, I can’t map the terms of that culture silo to my experience. (This is distinct from not identifying with the narrative.) On the other hand, this is also different from how I’ve seen people describe ADHD hyperfixation. Which doesn’t mean it couldn’t be either of those things. What it means is that the words being used to describe a very subjective interior experience, don’t seem to account for an interest focus being used as a broader connective mesh for organizing tons of unrelated info and processing stuff outside of myself (including social stuff). Like... one thing I've put a lot of thought into, is how my hyperfixation thing works. It's not "having my attention fixed for hours at a time" - because I literally can’t do this *unless* it’s my particular interest, or it can be connected to it. My fixations are - a period of time when I'm literally interested in nothing else but the particular thing I'm into, and have to find ways to Memory Palace any other damned thing I need to learn or do, into that in my head. I have to find ways to make things relate to whatever I'm into at the moment.  The absolutely easiest I've ever lived with this, has  been in health, because it's a case where everything I studied had something to do with health and I was able to get into health work at a relatively low level, whereas there's tons of interests I've had where there's just no point even taking up the interest because it'd just rob from my ability to participate in capitalism. (I have lost jobs because of the wrong focus at the wrong time, literally, I once lost a job because I wrote a novel on the clock.) The reason I’ve been able to become a somewhat decent artist/designer is because it’s an easy set of disciplines for me to incorporate into whatever my interest of the time happens to be. I don’t need to actually “study art” to do art, I can just do art while I’m studying other things; I feel like a gigantic chunk of art practice came about when I was in courses with a cadaver etc. And it's not a focus thing so much as how my learning style works, and it's frustrating when i absolutely can't make a thing I need to focus on, relate to whatever my "thing" is. I also notice this: When I don't have a "thing," I'm deeply depressed. The weird thing with why I thought I was autistic is because there's a ton of stuff that overlaps for me, in self-described autistic experience, but the social part is not there for me except as very, very severe social anxiety. Like I said there's a point at which you are so good at pretending to be normal that you can't say you're not normal. I feel like a lot of my social weirdness was being weird about my interests - not actually having an impaired ability to socially adapt, not being unable to read people, not being unable to empathize, etc, but *the interest itself.* Once I hit a certain age and people stopped micromanaging me about shit I’m into, this really faded away from attention.  But it's something that's such a fixed part of my brain (one of the few things I'll really chalk up to hardware and not software) that it was a major learning problem as a child except on the occasion I had a teacher willing to break through into "my world" whatever my world was at the time, like the teacher who taught me to read after they figured out my "thing" was cats. Is it a social problem? Well it's an obstacle for gaming because I literally have no interest in playing tabletop RPGs unless it's a specific character/setting I'm fixated on at the moment... or I can just be ultra casual and just create a dumb meat shield who makes stupid jokes. (We are starting a D&D game for a 9 year old. This may be about my speed.) It won’t be fun for me. It’ll feel like work. Meanwhile I know fully well that my friends expect me to play their games, not just mine. It was a relationship problem for a long time too because whatever my "thing" was at the moment, would basically be The Other Woman. (tm) Without a particular thing I”m into at the time, I just don't even feel alive, or like I can function, because of how much of my programming routes around special interests as memory palaces. Otherwise I'm just sitting there struggling to make something relate to other things and it doesn't relate to those other things and I can't make it happen. There is nowhere in my interior universe for that thing or experience to fit. And it's like seeing it there, KNOWING I KNOW THE THING, but being unable to access something I KNOW THAT I KNOW, or even know that I know how to do (because I've done it before.) It's a very very difficult experience to describe. (It's funny how many of my interests almost literally map to the idea of memory palaces because of - when it's a fictional setting - being connected to a fictional place. Fictional places, space stations, cities, adventure maps...) I'm able to learn math when I can connect it to something I need to know for an interest but the moment the interest extincts itself (which can happen if I don’t get enough outlet for it/it develops unpleasant associations), I'm struggling for making connections again. It was almost impossible to get back into studying anything STEM once I was out of health. (Though I wonder if my moment is coming again because of the degree to which astronomy and rocket bullshit and old school electronics are part of my setting.) Another place it connects socially is feeling like, when I'm not engaging through My Thing as a social-neural interface, I'm just dissociating my way through something. (Weed actually made this a lot better in some weird ways. Chemically and socially. Also I'm not required to contribute as much in a group of stoners.) It's like my brain creates these structures through which it can absorb exterior stuff, and translate it. My "interests" aren't interests so much as memory palaces - and compilers for stuff I otherwise couldn't use or make sense of. It's annoying to me that I literally fucking forgot how to program HTML the moment I no longer had the things I was making websites about.

[theflannelwizard]

Miss Simian teaches the Special Accommodations class

First off, I would like to say that I am neurodivergent, and most of these headcanons are based off my own experiences. If I do accidentally phrase something in a way that offends you, please let me know so I can fix it! Thanks to @onceuponymous to chatting with me about this before I posted it! I will also say that TAWOG is my current hyper fixation, so this might end up being a rather long post! I’ll try to use bold and italics so my fellow neurodivergent fans have an easier time reading it if they want to :)

I think Miss Simian’s class is full of the neurodivergent kids in Elmore Jr. High. This would explain why Darwin and Gumball are in the same class, despite being two years apart in age, and why they are so blind to the rest of the school. They have their routine and their class, and they are purposefully on a separate schedule than the other students. This would also explain why Gumball and Darwin are so frequently sent to the guidance counselor for their outbursts instead of to the principal.

Almost all if not all of the students in her class exhibit common symptoms of neurodivergence, including (but not limited to) having trouble communicating, hyper fixating or having special interests, masking or feeling like the world won't like, understand, or accept them if they don’t put on a persona, fidgeting or stimming, having trouble with focus, expressing emotion intensely or in unique ways, and either adhering to a strict schedule or behaving impulsively.

Let’s start with trouble communicating. This is an obvious and easy one- almost none of Gumball’s classmates communicate in a neurotypical fashion. Juke and William have extreme trouble communicating verbally, and although Juke realizes this, he keeps trying but is unable to “switch” himself to an easily understood language. William doesn’t even realize he is unheard until Gumball declares he is silent.  Banana Joe, Bobert, Sussie, and Jamie all speak in special dialects or patterns that are understandable but set them apart from what would be considered “normal.” Jamie’s is the least obvious, but I would argue that her reliance on threats, often delivered using the same formula, is a unique speech pattern that could have developed in part due to her parentage/home life and in part due to trouble communicating. Gumball has no problem with speaking in an understandable way, but he does have trouble expressing his emotions- he either locks them down or goes over the top with grand declarations and gestures. Likewise, Darwin is able to express himself rather clearly, but he canonically has trouble “learning facial expressions” and is often blind to sarcasm and manipulation, as are many of his classmates. Some students are on the end of the spectrum where they may not have trouble speaking, but they do have trouble reading social cues. For example, Molly is eager to talk to her friends, but can’t always tell whether they are engaged with her stories and doesn’t know when to stop talking. Sarah doesn’t have a clear understanding of boundaries, and neither do Tobias, Sussie, Banana Joe, Teri, Tina, Clayton, Ocho, Gumball, or Alan (despite having good intentions, he often fails to set boundaries for himself, and that’s just as important to notice as those who intrude or don’t understand boundaries for others). In fact, I would argue the entire class has, at some point, shown that they have trouble setting or anticipating healthy boundaries. Once boundaries have been clearly set, they usually are able and willing to respect them, but they can’t always tell on their own what another person is okay with.

Now for hyper fixations and special interests. I would say Teri is one of the most obvious here, with her extensive knowledge of germs and cleanliness. She’s more than just a germaphobe, she has studied hygiene and is obsessive to a point of rarely talking about anything else. Alan could likely be fixated on activism or the general concept of goodness, working overtime to make himself into the most helpful and positive person he can be. Sarah’s fangirl persona goes hand in hand with a fixation on comics, anime, and/or manga. I would even say Carrie’s intense dedication to goth/emo culture could be considered a special interest, and Leslie has a similar relationship to fashion, beauty, and the (heavily coded) LGBT community. Tobias’ obsession with video games has canonically gotten so intense that he neglected basic needs such as sleep- a classic example of hyper fixation. 

As far as masking and persona goes, many of the points I’m about to make could be seen as simple stereotyping to make the characters distinct. I choose to interpret it differently. Gumball, Penny, Tobias, Carrie, Masami, Tina, Clayton, and Ocho have all had arcs or significant moments where they were either revealed to have interests or personality traits that were in direct contrast with their outward persona or revealed to think people wouldn’t like “the real them” as much as the act they put on. For example, Penny was terrified to come out of her shell, Tina doesn’t intend to be a bully but comes off as one due to her menacing mask (for self protection, perhaps, so she doesn’t get bullied herself?), and Ocho admits he has trust issues due to being used for his uncles and not respected unless he puts on an intense and aggressive front. Other students build their identities around a single aspect of themself, either something that they find important or something that they expect will be liked or respected. Tobias, Leslie, Carrie, Alan, Jamie, Tina, Idaho, Sarah, Bobert, Banana Joe, and Masami fall easily into stereotypes and seem to be glad to do so. Clayton goes so far as to commit identity theft simply so no one will see his true self and dislike him. Clayton’s compulsive lying is also a symptom of ADHD.

I’m not going to write a whole paragraph on fidgeting/stimming and focus, because I don’t think there’s too much to analyze or dissect there, but if you go back and watch any episode, you’ll likely notice that many of the characters are easily distracted and/or have unique body movements, postures, or phrases that they tend to repeat. I also think impulsivity and routine is so important to the plot that it doesn’t need to be discussed, but was worth a brief mention.

Let’s talk about emotions! Gumball has the classic neurodivergent experience of either bottling up his emotions with no idea how to express them or going over the top with grand declarations and gestures. He feels things very intensely, as shown by his often dramatic reactions, but isn’t always sure how to process or express them. Darwin is always on one extreme of that scale, with no filter as to how he expresses and feels things. He is unafraid to cry in public, declare that something makes him feel good or bad, or say very bluntly what needs to be done to make him feel better (eg declaring he responds well to positive reinforcement- that sounds like therapist or guidance counselor language to me! Good job, Darwin! I wish I was as clear as you!). Likewise, Penny is prone to meltdowns after she breaks out of her shell, and she is so intensely emotional that she messes up her (likely well-rehearsed) cheer tryout due to being rejected by Gumball, and her physical form changes based on emotion. Banana Joe, Carrie, Masami, Sarah, arguably Anton, Carmen, Teri, Tina, Hector, and Sussie also express their intense emotions in big and obvious ways. Some examples include Masami’s meltdown in The Storm, Teri’s tendency to faint or cry, Carmen’s outburst (possibly a meltdown or breakdown) at her old school, and Tina’s tendency to use violence and anger as a first response when upset, even in “small” ways. (Note- I put small in quotes because something like being told it’s a waste of time to get piano lessons might not feel small to her, and could indeed warrant chasing and attacking Gumball.) On the other side of the scale, we have characters like Alan, Idaho, Bobert, Molly, Leslie, and Hector (again, as he behaves differently with or without his music box), who are capable of being dramatic or expressing emotion, but won’t acknowledge their feelings directly and might even be perceived as not having (many) emotions. For instance, Bobert is often referred to as not having emotions or not being a real person, a harmful stereotype against autistic folks, which is increased by the fact that he is a robot, which autistic folks are sometimes unfairly compared to. Alan is seemingly incapable of feeling negative emotions, to the point where his loss of hope wrecks Elmore, implying that he has a mental or emotional block from feeling and expressing these emotions. Molly references her “special dark place,” implying that she does get emotionally or sensorially overwhelmed, but has no way to express her needs (or lacks the confidence to do so) and would rather remove herself from a situation. Leslie is the most dramatic of the characters with emotional blocks or low emotional expression, but I would argue that since he never openly owns or discusses his emotions, (verbally or otherwise,) and instead turns to petty drama or denial, he also belongs in this category.

TL;DR: Most if not all of Miss Simian’s students exhibit classic symptoms of neurodivergence, be it autism, adhd, or both. Hopefully the many (x character) has (x diagnosis) posts I’ve seen floating around can supplement this theory! And of course, if you don’t buy this interpretation or just don’t like it, you don’t have to agree with me! But I think the idea of TAWOG having a majority neurodivergent cast is comforting, fun, and canon-compliant. :)

[random-imagines-blog]

Wonderful and Weird {Barty Crouch Jr x Reader Oneshot}

Requested by: @spectrumofdisney Wordcount: 2866 Summary: While working at the Ministry under his father’s control, Barty meets you - and finds you to be oddly interesting. Notes: The reader is autistic, as per request. I tried my best with this, being on the spectrum myself, without giving into stereotypes. Please message me if I did any of this wrong, I truly wanted to get it right.

You enjoyed working for the Ministry. You had your own little office with your cameras and your typewriters and everything was clean and organized. Nothing from the outside world came in except for what you brought with you, and the paperwork that was brought to you by owl every morning to go through. And the owl never stayed, because you did not like the smell that the birds brought, nor the feathers and dander that it left behind. You had gotten the job shortly after graduating from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and you excelled at it. Your co-workers didn’t really care for you, but they didn’t actively dislike you. They thought that you were a bit odd, but you were efficient and didn’t cause trouble so they didn’t bother you for anything. Your work life was just about perfect - until he came into the picture.

You heard a fuss coming from the hallway. Normally you would not care and would continue on with your task, hyperfixated on the status reports that you were reviewing and correcting, but your door was slightly open from after the owl left and the noises bothered you. Getting to your feet, you walked across the small office space and stuck your head into the corridor, about to say something when your name was called.

“Ahh, y/l/n, just the person I wanted to see,” Bartholomew Crouch Sr said, with his son in tow. You recognized him from school. He was a Slytherin, while you were a Ravenclaw, and he was a year or two older. You had no interaction with him whatsoever, and would not have remembered him - if it wasn’t for the fact that he had stopped some of the other Ravenclaw students from pulling a horrible prank on you. You had seen him interfere with the girls as they levitated your underthings so they hung from the top of the Ravenclaw tower, but had never before spoken to him. Never even thanked him, which your mother admonished you for after you had admitted to her in a letter what had upset you.

“Why?” You asked, blankly, staring at the floor by Bartholomew Jr’s feet rather than attempt any sort of eye contact. That was just too intimidating.

“My son,” Barthomew looked at his son with displeasure. “-is about to start his position here at the Ministry of Magic. I’d like you to show him around and make him feel welcome.”

“It is a very simple layout. There is a map framed in the hallway. Welcome.” When you said the last word, you finally brought your eyes up in the way that you were taught. Your mother had taught you with blueberries to say words like ‘Thank you, You’re Welcome and Happy Birthday’ with eye contact, and with a happy tone. You forgot the tone today. You just wanted to get back to work.

“You’re a bit of a weird one, aren’t you?” The former Slytherin said, looking you up and down, which did nothing to make you feel more comfortable.

“Yes,” You answered the question, as you did every question proposed to you. “Mr Crouch, Mr Crouch, excuse me,” You ducked back into your office and closed the door this time. Well, that was a rather odd occurrence.

-

The rest of your day was blissfully quiet, but it was as you were preparing to leave the Ministry that it got odd once again. You were taking the stairs, since they were quiet and had no chance of getting stuck, unlike the elevator. You just set foot on them when you felt a touch on your arm, that instantly made you go into panic mode. You pushed the person away, and drew your wand on them, pointing it right towards their chest. All of your coworkers knew better than to touch you, so this was someone unknown. “I do not like being touched,”  You said quickly, squinting in the light to get a better look at who the person was.

“Noted, noted,” The newest addition to your office said with his arms up in surrender. He licked his lips as he looked you over, with some degree of recognition. “We went to school together, didn’t we?”

“Yes we did, Bartholomew Crouch Jr,” You said, lowering your wand.

“Well hullo, I thought I recognized your ... brand of weird,” He said, waving his hand at you. “Yes, I remember you. Some of the boys wanted to put wee in your pumpkin juice.”

“That’s disgusting. Why would they do that?” You asked, eyebrows furrowing together. “And why did you touch me?”

“They thought it was funny. Managed to stop them though, so you’re welcome.” He said, giving you a smile. That made you more confused. You were talking about a topic that was particularly unpleasant. Why was he thanking you? You said nothing but continued to stare, waiting for an answer to your second question. “Just wanted to get your attention, is that so bad?”

“The idea is not bad but the way that you went about it was. I do not like to be touched. Please don’t do it again.”

“Alright, alright, I won’t touch you,” Another lick of the lips. “I kinda like the weird thing you have going on.”

“I don’t know if I like you yet,” You stated simply. “Goodnight, Bartholomew Crouch Jr.”

“Call me Barty,” He said with a salute.

-

Even you could not avoid hearing the rumors that circulated the next day at work. Everyone was talking about Bartholomew. The rumor was that he had been fraternizing with death eaters, and was thinking about joining them. That was why his father had forced him to get a job in the Ministry where he could be kept an eye on. You didn’t pay heed to these rumors. You had more important things to think about in your life, such as where the latest stack of paperwork was. The owl had not arrived this morning and it was making you very antsy.

“Have you seen my papers?” You asked your co-worker next to you. They shook their  head no so you kept on looking, until you came to the last room, which was Bartholomew’s. You didn’t knock since it was a work environment and no one should be doing anything inappropriate. So when you opened the door, he was a bit startled and dropped the paper stack he was holding.

“Have you heard of knocking?” He asked, bending over to pick up the papers.

“Of course I have,” You answered seriously. “Are those my papers? Why do you have them? Those are mine.”

“I thought I’d see what you were doing,” He said with a smile. Once more, you were confused and annoyed by his facial expressions. He smiled at the oddest times. “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” You answered. You took the paper out of his hands, being careful not to let your skin brush against his. “Please don’t take my work.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Barty said, putting his hands behind his back once you had your papers back. Another lick of the lips. A trait that you were noticing a lot. It would stick out in your head as something being particular to him, the way that red lipstick was to your coworker Marjorie, and the smell of fish and chips on Gary. “Can I watch you work?”

“Watch me work?” You repeated. No one had ever asked you that before. “If you don’t say anything or touch anything then maybe.”

“Great,” Barty said. He walked you out of the room, staying a step behind you through the hallway. He even stepped ahead of you and opened the door to your office. You didn’t thank him, just went straight to your desk and worked as if he wasn’t even there. The forms were second-nature to you. You knew exactly what to write, and you liked the neat little boxes that you were supposed to write in. You liked writing small to add in more details. You liked taking the stamp out of your drawer, pressing it on the ink pad, then stamping the bottom of the form and moving on to do it over again. It was meticulous work without many changes, and it was perfect for you. It allowed you to stay in your mind - so much so that you had forgotten that Barty was even there, watching what you were doing, until it was time for lunch.

“What do you usually do?” Barty asked, startling you as the clock chimed noon. You looked at it with annoyance, hating that it made noise. You had forgotten to silence it, what with your papers being missing this morning. “For lunch.”

“I eat,” You said, taking a small container out of your bag. Inside was your packed lunch, everything in separate bags so that nothing was touching.

“Bloody hell, you have that all organized too, don’t you?” Barty scoffed, standing up to peer inside the container. “Come out with me, we’ll go to Hogsmeade - Three Broomsticks, like school days.”

“Yes, I like to have my lunch organized,” You said, not noting his expression. “We never went to Hogsmeade together. And not to the Three Broomsticks.”

“Then this could be the start of something new, come on, I’ll buy.” Barty went to your door, opened it wide, stepped into the hallway then realized that you weren’t following. He turned around and saw that you were at your desk, unpacking your food one item at a time onto a plate that you kept at your desk. “You really are a weird one, y/l/n.”

“I eat here, everyday,” You told him, unpacking a set of cutlery as well. “I like it in here.”

“Well, then,” Barty frowned thinking. “I’ll just have to go and get my lunch to go and come join you. Would you mind that?”

“I suppose not, as long as you are tidy,” You said, so focused on your food that you hardly noticed he disappeared.

-

The rumors about Barty changed after that. They became less about him potentially tuning into a death eater, and more into how he spent all of his time with you and didn’t work at all. Word had even reached his father’s ears, but as long as he kept out of trouble, he didn’t care much either way. Barty heard the rumors too, but he didn’t care either. Because they were true. He really started to enjoy spending time with you. You were unlike anyone that he had ever met. You were blunt, and to the point. You said what you were thinking, even if it hurt someone’s feelings. You never meant to though, that was the amazing part. The confused look that was on your face whenever someone in the office became emotional over something was more entertaining than wizarding opera. He might even start to think that he loved you - which was a feeling that came on when you had brought out a second lunch container, with a packed lunch for him that matched yours completely.

“Are you still thinking of becoming a death eater?” You had asked as he examined the crustless sandwich that was in his bag. His head snapped up at the question. No one had ever asked forthright like that.

“Would you hate me if I did?” He asked, curiously, licking his lips then bit into the sandwich.

“I think I would, yes,” You admitted. “Killing people, even muggles, is a very bad thing to do.  The practical thing to do would be to stay at the Ministry and try to be a good person, even if you don’t understand people.”

“Be like you, you mean?” Barty raised an eyebrow. You thought about it for a second and then nodded. “That sounds boring.”

“I don’t think that it is, but if you want to think like that - that’s your problem.” You said, shrugging. You could feel his eyes on you, taking you in. He had been doing that a lot lately. You weren’t sure if you liked it or not. “I do have fun sometimes too.”

“What do you do for fun then? Show me,” He challenged.

“Fun things.” You said, a faint smile on your lips. “I can show you on the weekend.”

“It’s a date,” Barty said, finishing off his sandwich.

“I never had one of those before. A date, I mean,” You admitted to him, making him smile.

“I’ll show ya a good time,” He promised.

-

On the weekend, you met him in the Leaky Cauldron, then made your way out into Muggle London. Muggles were interesting people, you thought. So involved in their own lives that they barely saw the magic that was right in front of them.

“So what are we doing today, then?” Barty asked. He looked nice in Muggle clothes, you thought. You had grown used to seeing him in the robes of the office. He thought the same of you as well, since you were wearing something a little more colorful. It was like seeing a hint of sunshine on a cloudy day. He walked by you, but kept a little bit of distance, aware of how you didn’t like to be touched.

You opened up the bag that you had brought and showed him your muggle camera. “I like to take pictures.”

“Pictures?” It was hardly what Barty had expected.

“Yes, I use this camera to take a picture, which is like capturing a memory in an image. They can be-”

“I know what a picture is,” Barty said quickly before you got into the science of it. He had forgotten for a second that you answered every question, rhetorical or not. “Why do like to take pictures?”

“There’s a process to it. And I like to remember things. I like to take pictures of people smiling. I think it’s fun because I like to wonder what they are smiling about.”

“Can I see that?” He asked, pointing to the camera. You nodded and handed it over but watched him very carefully. You didn’t like other people handling your things. In fact, if Barty ever knew that he was the first person other than you to handle this camera, he might be heavily flattered. As he should be. He figured out how to work it pretty quickly - he wasn’t as dumb as he appeared, and held it up to his eye to see through the lens. He pointed it straight towards you and caught the look of slight embarrassment on your face. “Oh come on, put on a smile. If I know you as well as I think I do, I know yeh ain’t got many photos of yourself.”

“I don’t need pictures of myself. I know what I look like,” You said, not smiling. Barty put the camera down, knowing that he would have to go through extreme means in order to get a nice photo of you.

“Excuse me,” He called to a couple who were walking down the street. They slowed down to listen to him. “Would you mind taking a photo of us together?”

“Bartholomew!” You said, watching in horror as your camera got handed over to the strange man. You didn’t even know his name! Or if he knew how to  use a camera!

“I’ll buy you a new one if he drops it, alright?” Barty  licked his lips then stood beside you. Something felt like it was missing and he knew exactly what it was. “I know, you don’t like to be touched but - can I hold your hand?”

“I suppose that’s alright. I won’t like it,”  You insisted, but he gave you a very puppy-dog look. You wondered what he was trying to accomplish with that. “Are you trying to look cute so I’ll give in?”

“Is it working?” He asked, holding his hand out.

“No. But I’ll do it just this once.” You weren’t even entirely sure how to go about holding a hand, but you did what you saw other couples doing. Fingers intertwined. You wanted to like it, since it seemed to make Barty happy but it was just uncomfortable to you. You could feel your palms becoming sweaty at the new heat. You looked up at the camera and you smiled, and it was genuine despite the weird situation. You let go of Barty’s hand as soon as the picture was taken, and only breathed out in relief when the camera was safe in you bag again. “Why did you want a picture of us together?”

“Capturing a moment in time,” He repeated your earlier words. “Also I like looking at you. You’re better than the depressing wallpaper my father put in my room.”

‘I know a spell to change that,” You offered.

“Second date then,” Barty winked.

[embracethecringeside]

Morty Smith

Settle in y’all cause I have to talk about my son Morty Smith for a moment. I suppose I’ll start by saying I love this boy, this poor poor boy and I want the best for him oh my heart hurts for this boy. So let’s start at the very begining (I’m told this is a very good place to start) 

Morty Smith has always had a hard life. At school he is bullied, has no friends, and struggles in his class and well the staff (or what little we’ve seen of it with Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold) don’t seem particularly helpful in any of these regards. Specially since, in the pilot, it is revealed Principal Vagina had been trying to contact the Smith’s but kept leaving the messages with Rick, despite the fact Rick was the one pulling him out of school in the first place (dude come on). 

Then at home he is living with a mean alcoholic mother, Beth, and an insecure pushover, Jerry, who both neglect him, (and Summer too) and they constantly fight. 

He has anxiety disorder and is autistic, but is not being helped in either of these regards. And to make it worse his parents admit they know. Right in the pilot episode Jerry remarks that Morty has, “some kind of disability or something” and when Morty says, “I do?” he responds with, “Well, duh doy son. Look Morty I love you but we both know you’re not as fast as the other kids and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.” (wow the voice acting really helps this line cause writing it down is like damn. that’s cold Jerry) He doesn’t offer any kind of help, just points out to Morty that it is apparently a very obvious fact. Which shows how neglectful and unwilling they are to actually do anything. 

So let’s sit with Jerry and Morty for a second. In “Something Ricked This Way Comes” Jerry tries to help Morty on a science project, which sounds great but he more or less is just doing it because he is just jealous Morty asked Rick for help and as Beth puts it, “He is insecure about his intelligence”. Then poor 14 year old Morty is burdened the entire episode with being the responsible one, repeatedly telling Jerry not only is Pluto not a planet and it would have been fine to just not put it in their model solar system, but then having to go as far as telling him that the planet is dying and he has to convince his dad just to let it go and of course Jerry does and everything goes back to normal but Morty had to play the role of the parent the whole time and ends with him reassuring Jerry at the end of the episode that he loves him. Then in “The ABC’s of Beth” Morty and Summer have to force Jerry to admit he just needs to stop coming up with excuses and break up with his girlfriend Keara, again making Morty (and Summer too) the mature ones in the situation. “The Old Man and the Seat” is similar in that Morty and Jerry have their own adventure where Morty has to keep telling Jerry that he is making a mistake, only this time he isn’t soft or kind about it, telling his dad to stop fucking up.

Then well if we switch to Beth... We don’t get much Beth and Morty bonding throughout the show but the most prominent would probably be in “The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy” where he thought he could just have a normal day with Rick and Jerry gone, but then Beth had to try and prove she can return Summer to normal on her own only making things worse. Again much like with Jerry Morty tried to be the voice of reason, saying they should call Rick for help and becomes upset when Beth continues to be stubborn. Morty has to be the one to tell Beth this wouldn’t of happened if she had just told Summer she was hot. 

And of course his sister Summer, who he seems to have the best relationship with has to be helped by Morty too, when she threatens to run away and do something with turquoise after she discovers that Beth and Jerry did not want to have children. Of course he aids her with his famous line from “Rixty Minutes”, “Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV.

Morty is only 14 but he is the motherfucking family counselor. And he is the least favorite child too just to ya know make it worse. Rember in “Morty’s Mind Blowers” that one guy was about to kill either Morty or Summer and he was going to make Beth chose which one would live and he hadn’t even finished the question and she said Summer? Or the (worst?) example, “Rick Potion #9″ where... the family isn’t even sad Morty is gone. It was completely understandable that they wouldn’t miss Rick... But Morty? Oh my that hurts. Hold on I need a moment cause it still fucks me up. That is your little boy Jerry and Beth. And your brother Summer. What the fuck?? Y’all are, “happier with them gone” what the f u c k? (like okay this post is not about Rick but in “Rest and Ricklaxation” Rick called Jessica multiple times in tears because Morty left and these guys.... just AHHHHHH)

Of course we have Rick and I could go on and on about how terrible Rick is to Morty but I don’t think I need to beat a dead horse (I was going to try and make a horse surgeon joke here but I can’t think of one), so instead I’ll say with Rick he gets manipulated, lied to, yelled at, talked down to, belittled, and dragged around on horrible traumatizing adventures. And his parents let it happen. Even now with Beth’s new found agency, it all still happens.

And outside the family?? He gets punished by just the universe itself it seems whether its trying to have his own fantasy adventure and almost getting assulted in a restroom, wanting to be a superhero just to learn his heros are all bad people, just wanting a dragon and having the dragon prefer his grandpa, trying to return a snake to its planet and accidentally causing countless snake wars and snake time travel, Morty can never seem to win. He tries to be good or have fun but is constantly having his views and morals thrown back at him, like the universe is telling him that it doesn’t matter if he is good or has good intentions. 

So let’s put it all in a bag and shake it up huh? We got this family that constantly needs Morty to be the responsible one, the moral one, the mature one, the backbone of society, all that and a bag of chips. Let’s put in a dash of abuse, a splash of neglect, a chaotic and cruel universe and he gets... What? An occasional hug or an “I love you”? I’,m pretty sure I have a whole separate post about Morty’s anger issues/ his rising agency but damn its like who wouldn’t be angry? Every aspect of his life is so messed up, its hard to conceptualize it all. 

So I think instead of Rick leaving at the end of the season it would be interesting if Morty left because that boy deserves so much more than all of this. And of course he would still be on the show but it would be like Morty solo while the rest of the family figures their shit out. 

[scrawnytreedemon]

sephiroth, hornet?

Sephiroth AND Hornet!

But yeah, I’m assuming this is about the ask meme.

Starting off with Hornet:

First impression: My dumbass when I saw her in clips of the trailer years and years ago thought she was a male rival; a stern one. As for in the game? A sharp, righteous, if rather callous opponent; someone to keep your journey in check.

Impression now: She’s hard as nails, and canonically I don’t see her as the begrudgingly-lovingly older sister we in fandom like to image as-- However, there is a solemness to her. She doesn’t love the Vessels, by any means, and I highly doubt she truly sees them as kin, but at the end of Dream No More, when she looks back at the Knight’s shattered mask, I think a small part of her aches. I feel even in a world without Hallownest’s fall, Hornet would’ve still been stern, cold, perhaps, but I doubt she’d’ve been driven to such militaristic ruthlessness. It’s tragic, really. She didn’t get a chance at a safe upbringing; with loving parents; with security. After all, she was born to save.

Favorite moment: When the Wyrm’s corpse is crumbling, and she rescues the Knight at the last moment. It’s such a potent act.

Idea for a story: Ohohooo, quite the question? Well, if I were to come up with one on the spot, one where she comes to terms with the Infection’s end, where she learns to live in a world with relative peace. Where she perhaps learns to open up a little more, let others support her, instead of standing completely on her own.

Unpopular opinion: Mmm, can’t think of any really unpopular ones. Most I can say is that while it is incredibly cute and I love it to bits, I don’t think Hornet is particularly affectionate-- Especially not toward the Vessels, whom she doesn’t even see as entirely people. I feel that Hornet is alot more emotionally constipated than assumed. Yes, she’s incredibly eloquent and expresses her thoughts with ease, but I think she struggles with truly connecting with people, due to her years of isolation growing up in a dying world where all whom she relied on either died or disappeared.

Favorite relationship: Hollow Knight doesn’t have alot of characters to ship, lmao, so I’m going with Lacenet romantically :) Love me some rivalry!

Favorite headcanon: Daughter of Three Mothers! Love that so much, man! Adds such a depth and history to Hornet; really ties her into the Kingdom she protects.

Now, getting onto Sephiroth:

First impression: Sephiroth is one of those characters that just slips into your consciousness without you knowing. Cool, strong, charismatic, mysterious, delightfully cruel-- Everything a villain could want. Oh, and very handsome~

Impression now: While Sephiroth absolutely has this cool, aloof, put-together exterior, underneath is a very messy, bleeding individual with little sense of self despite all his bravado. Born and bred in Shinra’s labs, Sephiroth was created to be the ultimate weapon. Growing up without a mother, and a barely-father who medically abused him for years on end, Sephiroth had little security. Depending on how you construe the timeline, Sephiroth was deployed to Wutai as a preeten/early teen. What few friends he had left him, and all the while he was paraded as a war hero. I would argue that when he finally snaps, it isn’t because he’s broken free and is running amok, but rather because he’s latched onto yet another, more destructive authority figure. Jenova gave him a semblence, a semblence of safety, of love. An answer for why he’s here. A purpose, a higher calling; one not owed to suit-clad presidents, cheering crowds, or the fickle affections of his peers. For all his talk of becoming a God without bounds, Sephiroth clings to others-- Hell, his revival in Advent Children was through his sheer hatred of Cloud. I could go on for much, much longer, but I think I’ll leave it here.

Favorite moment: Ohohoho, if I’m going to pick one, it’s the one just before he becomes Safer Sephiroth. Tried looking for the script to confirm this, and there’s a chance I’m remembering this wrong, but he says something along the lines of “Everything... Everything shall begin anew, with me.“ And bRO I was like like chjjkKHJHKJFFSDJ?????? Metal as fuck. Of course, if it was even there at all. But yeah, anything with religious imagery and/or themes of death and rebirth.

Idea for a story: Ooooohhhhh, honey, where does one begin? I feel like more works focusing on his dynamic with the Remnants, who are essentially his progeny, would be wonderful! Working on some myself, actually :)

Unpopular opinion: Not so unpopular nowadays, but sexgod Sephiroth doesn’t feel realistic at all lmaoo. Oh, he can be passionate! Deliciously passionate, if I may, and I feel like he’s very good at getting under your skin, but I feel like outside of anyone he truly clings to... Seph’s a bit awkward. Not in that dorky, nerdy way, but in this very deadpan, doesn’t know how to act around Normal People kind of way-- Y’feel me? If I may throw this in, too, I’m not such a big fan of his Remake facial features??? Just looks... off. AC’s my fave, so I suppose I have a soft spot for the more delicate features there.

Favorite relationship: Hah, if we’re picking ships, Sefikura. I’m a stickler for hero/villain dynamics >:) But, if I’m picking dynamics, again, him and the Remnants could have some great potential. Overall, though, I’m very flexible with this sort of thing, and have shipped Seph with all kinds of characters, in-and-outside of the Compilation. He’s a very interesting character to put in new situations.

Favorite headcanon: Goodness gracious, I have so many. For shits and giggles, the idea that he eats cleaning products as snacks is hilarious and I love it to bits. On a more personal level, and these are pretty niche as far as I’m aware, I have a soft spot for seeing him as genderfluid and autistic-- God, without any context, that has the potential to sound really, really stupid and perhaps a little offensive(???).

But yeah, I have alot of thoughts, like, so many. I could probably go on for hours about Sephiroth in particular-- Hyperfixations Are Like That, Man. This was lots of fun, thank you for asking!!!! Have a lovely day <333

[hydemind]

Your thoughts on Isaac, William, Frankie an Jack 🎤?

OHHHHHH CROW I COULD GO ON ABOUT THEM FOR HOURS.

this post is SUPER FUCKING LONG so for the first time in my life im using a read more link.

I'm gonna start out with Will, who, a little fun fact, isn't actually named William! His full name is Willis Grossman. His parents thought it'd be funny. Will doesn't know his full name.

Here are some other fun facts about me and @functionentropy 's Will (along with other characters below) (he is also the one who has been making this entire creepypasta interp with me! Go check out their art or else /lh):

Will was born in the late 1800s early 1900s!

His parents were a lot like a Bonnie and Clyde duo, and they cared and loved for Will very, very much.

Will always looked up to Isaac! He wanted to be exactly like his grandpa when he grew up. Isaac was also a wonderful grandfather as well.

Will, on his 13th birthday, got Isaac's mask as a gift. When he got it, Isaac said to him: "keep it safe. It's a family heirloom.", Will uses that excuse as to why he still wears it to this day.

Speaking of Isaac, he's the underrealm equivalent to a tumblr sexyman. Everyone thinks he's hot shit, but that also goes for a lot of serial killers residing in the underrealm. Will unfortunately had to see his grandfather on magazine covers talking about the underrealm's HOTTEST NEW KILLER. He hates it.

Will ran away from home after Isaac died at around the age of 20 to 21, and considering he was a legal adult, his parents couldn't do much. They're still looking for him. (How, you may ask? Well, a little thing about the underrealm is that it stunts growth. You're essentially unable to die of old age down there. Think shitty immortality. His parents are looking for him, and they know he's in the underrealm- so that's how they are still around!)

Will had the worst time in the underrealm for the first few years he was down there. He wasn't immediately enrolled in the institution and he had a hard time holding down a job. Eventually he met Frankie! They live(d) in an apartment together. The first time Frankie met Will he thought he was Isaac and told his landlord and him HELL NO. Frankie does not like Isaac. Cue [will's offended gasp] and him saying he's his GRANDSON, and WHY IS HE ACTING LIKE ISAAC SUCKED? Cue Frankie making fun of him for being a grandpa's boy.

Frankie and Will had a bumpy relationship for a while. Will wasn't always a good person. Not really bad, just a fucking dumbass.

Speaking of Frankie...

Here's stuff about Frankie!

Frankie's origin story is essentially the same in this interp. Except for the fact that Frankie very much HAD A PAST. (which. If u wanna know more........I would love to talk about it......but this is about CURRENT Frankie so if u wanna know more bro just pop up in my dms or send another ask im feeling wild tonight)

After Amy passed (which was NOT due in part to the operator in this universe. The operator just found her like that) he was found by Bell (prince beelzebub, ruler of the underrealm at that point). You should know Frankie wasn't always an adjusted and normal fuckin person. He was like a rabid dog for a good while there.

While Frankie was unhinged he fucking death rolled Daisy the first time they met. (Daisy is an oc! I'm willing to talk more about him if you want the deets. He's interesting :]) because of this Daisy is the only one allowed to openly make fun of Frankie. (Playfully, of course.)

Daisy and Bell both basically helped Frankie adjust to society.

Frankie is autistic! So is Will. And Isaac. All. Everyone. Everyone has autism. (Shhhh. i'm projecting.)

Frankie can see souls! He's a very good judge of character because of it. However Frankie doesn't know what he's seeing is people's souls.

Frankie goes specifically after bad people. He'll take jobs from bad people, but he'll kill them, too. He says "he's sending them back to where they belong".

Frankie was the first to really show Will killing isn't just something you do. It's more than that. Will had never really processed death and murder of his fellow man like that before. He has a hard time even processing people as people sometimes, outside those of whom he cares for. This is because of Isaac. Isaac taught Will that people are bad- all of them. And that killing them is preventing them from hurting others, even if they haven't yet.

Frankie is a good guy and honestly a softie deep down. He worries and cares for all those who are close to him, even if he doesn't act like it sometimes.

Frankie says Toby "kidnapped him" and "made him diseased". 1. Frankie can very much leave the household at any time and 2. Frankie is referring to the operator sickness. Speaking of that-

Frankie was dragged through the operator's own personal hell! (Aka the realm they reside in more often than not, aka the place that Tim gets tossed around in near the end of marble hornets.) Reason being was because he threatened Toby's life. The operator is very protective of Toby.

Speaking of that, someone else was around when Toby met Frankie...

ONTO LAUGHING JACK!

ohhh man. Oh man. Oh baby. This clown is FULL of illness. Alright. So let's start off simple:

Lj was of course, made for Isaac. That's still a consistency. What isn't is that lj was around Isaac for a lot longer than in the original story. They developed a very close bond over the years they knew eachother, but, all good things must come to an end.

Lj returned to his box when Isaac left for boarding school. However, unlike the original story....Isaac didn't really come back to open the box. In fact, the most Isaac did was...well, I'll wait to spill that for Isaac's part later.

However! Eventually the house got passed off to another family. Years, and it mean YEARS later someone found lj's box in the attic! They were an unfortunate casualty.

After this, lj went and hunted Isaac down. Cue gore filled murder scene.

Things to note: LJ feels HORRIBLE about what he did to Isaac. He regrets it everyday. He wishes he had never done that to him.

But, time skip a bit.. we're further in the future now. LJ has his carnival set up and hidden away in an empty spot in the forest. He eventually comes across a wandering spirit because of this. This wanderer just so happens to be Sally!

LJ takes her in and swears to protect her with his life. In a way, you could say he sees her as a chance of redemption.

Sally was a wandering spirit, meaning she never really was stuck to one spot in particular- also meaning she wasn't very strong. Because of this, LJ gave her some of his own angelic essence. This boosted Sally and essentially made her a poltergeist!

(Note: Sally doesn't know how she died. Also, none of the things in her og story happened to her in this one. Fuck mishimishi. All my homies hate mishimishi.)

A little while after this they actually meet Toby and Jeffery! But this is getting long and to explain THAT entire debacle would make it even longer. but again I fully invite you to send more asks or just straight up dm me if you wanna know!

Now, last, but certainly not least..

ISAAC GROSSMAN.

OH MAN. Isaac is a DOOZY. Just like LJ, this baby is chocked FULL of illnesses! *slaps the top of his head like the roof of a car* but also, fair warning here: im gonna be talking about some heavy stuff. Abuse, physical and mental, gore, just. Death in general. Cannibalism, and EXTREME MENTAL ILLNESS *loud airhorn* so if any of that stuff gets to you steer clear of this part!

Anyways, let's start out simple!

Isaac was born in victorian England.

Isaac's mother was terrible towards him. I'm talking mental and physical abuse. She was a horrible, horrible woman.

Isaac's father...he wasn't a good person either, but he didn't beat Isaac. Nor did he really mentally abuse him either. He just...let it happen. He didn't even hurt his mother like he did in the original story. Isaac's mother was just plain bad for no good reason.

Isaac was sort of. Born having mental illness. They didn't just develop for him due to the abuse he experienced, though they certainly DID make it worse. There were other mental issues he has now that developed due to the abuse, however.

LJ was quite literally a godsend for Isaac. Metaphorically and not Metaphorically. LJ made Isaac happy, gave him comfort, and was basically like the mom he never had.

that's why it was so hard on Isaac when he had to leave lj behind. For a while he even had hallucinations of lj while in boarding school (which only furthered his future belief that lj was a hallucination brought on by the need to cope).

Isaac's first technical "murder" you could say was at boarding school. He pushed a shitty teacher down the stairs when there was no one around and they died. It wasn't even premeditated- more like it just sort of..happened.

Eventually Isaac graduated. When he did, he promptly returned home and killed his parents, as you do. /s

Isaac killed his mom in a rather violent fashion in comparison to his father- he whiplashed her so hard she fucking died.

Not long after this Isaac started his..well. I guess you could call it career.

Basically you know what happens after that. human skin chair, yadda yadda yadda, underrealm's sexiest killer, you know the drill.

Isaac did more than the human skin chair though! In fact, he uh. He. He did a lot. He did. SO much. But that was because Isaac believed in not wasting any part of the body. Which means Isaac not only made human skin chairs, but he was an avid cannibal, as well. (Fun fact, this very much extended to Will's father, mother, and Will as well. Will didn't know they were eating human for a long time. He had to realize that on his own.)

Eventually, Isaac punched his ticket because of LJ. But..I'd be a liar to say he really died.

No, our wonderful boy Isaac didn't die. He became a ghoul. Which, by the way, only further fucked with Isaac mentally! He's so ill. Some other things happened which I won't say here because they're spoilers for the fanfic I'm working on (Oh yeah the hyperfixation is that bad, but if you wanna know, again, I fully invite you to ask), but basically Isaac eventually gets taxidermied by, drumroll please..TOBY!!!! yeah. Toby does taxidermy as a job. He invited a new type of it for taxidermying Isaac. It was to repay daisy for something he did for the group.

But to say, again, that THAT was Isaac's end, would be another lie! No no no. Isaac was alive during the entire process! The good news is that he's never looked better after he escaped daisy's house when it got exploded by Frankie. Which..that's uh..another story for another day. This post is already insanely long and I am NOT putting it in the main tags.

So yeah! Im absolutely crazy for these dudes and I love all of them. By the way if you couldn't guess before Frankie and Will very much get together and are so so gay. Another little thing: Isaac is gay too, he had a past relationship with a man by the name of Dr. Locklear! Locklear is French German and his accent shows it. They were very close but fell out because of Locklear being involved with the institution and...a certain foundation.

I'll leave it to you to ponder on that one.

[nightklok]

TELL ME ABOUT HOW YOU WRITE PICKLES AND CHARLES PLEASE ;0; what are you inspirations for their dynamic? you write them so in love and it makes me immensely happy

Thank you firstly, means a lot because writing them happy brings me so much joy-even if I probably wrote more angst than fluff of them at a point-jkfl

I have answered Pickles here so I’ll write about Charles and why I write them together with the way I do! :D

Charles

I feel like Charles has a lot more emotions/feelings than the show tries to give him credit for (I like to think that by season 4, he learned to be a little be more emotional around the boys enough as he learned that it’s okay to be a bit emotional if he needs to around them BUT then Doomstar completely wrecked him) 

I really adore trying to write characters that are normally stoic in the show into more gentler/emotional people. I feel like the DVD extra of him taking calls and season 4/Doomstar shows he can be emotional! He has friends outside of Dethklok, his own hobbies/interests, definitely feels something and I don’t think my idea of him is really all that far fetched. He’s not just some asshole in a suit and while he has done questionable things, 9/10 it’s for the sake of Dethklok and not himself (Whoops forgot about Melmord here but even then I think Charles isn’t being selfish because he really does know he’s the only one that keep them in control-Melmord is just a snake oil salesman in a non-existent clown costume or something-)

I do keep in mind that he is a serious person and most likely is even when around people he completely trusts. He’s a person who can be a bit hard to read but he’s also not that hard when you actually get to know him and really know where to look when talking to him. Also I do headcanon that he is autistic but that’s for another story i think

He’s a character that even though I know is emotional inside, he does have to keep a stoic/non-expression look to him on the surface. He has the most important job in his life and he’s well aware of it. Being emotional/expressing anything but seriousness could possibly endanger him and Dethklok. It’s probably not by much because I do think even when he is emotional and can express himself, it’s still controlled to a degree. He can’t just let himself completely break in front of someone, he wouldn’t allow that at all.  I’d imagine he’d have to pretend that he only sees them as coworkers and nothing else or that the band would have to do the same to him or there would be kidnapping attempts. there probably is anyway on a yearly basis but thanks to him, it’s near impossible to do that as they do have highly trained klokateers.

But I still believe even regardless of that that it must get exhausting at times. A warm bed and wanting to sleep in is something that everyone desires to do at least once but they have to get up early and go to work or do whatever they need to do. Charles is human and he’s a human has needs like everyone else. I feel that he does probably have the days where just sleeping in sounds like a wonderful thing to do or that there are stressful days where he’d just need a long bath or something. Because of this, I don’t really seem him as aggressive or overly dominant when off work and in a relationship. Having to take care of a band and basically the world’s economy is exhausting. If he just wants to be taken care of, let him!!

Basically what I’m saying is let the guy take a nap

I do like to try and base off characters/writing off real people/situations so I think I gotta say Brian Epstein who managed the Beatles really helped in figuring out how Charles is like as a manager to Dethklok-I really began researching him around the time I got into the show because of class and it was interesting reading about him and I honestly think he’s one of the best band managers I heard of (next to Peter Grant of course-). I do also relate to Charles in some level though the patience he has I think is really almost inhumane because wow-

I kinda did write Chickles first before this so i might be repeating? So I’ll just leave this as it is but either way, I just like writing him as a little bit more emotional/down to earth. I get that it might be OOC a bit but I feel like the aggressive/dominant part is a little bit way too OOC-

Chickles

I honestly wonder why I write them so in love too if i have to be honest dsflkj

To answer what the inspirations; i feel like a huge factor into why I write them the way do (and probably any other ship) is because while i have had the feeling of falling in love before, i never really had the experience of being in a romantic relationship or went anywhere even close to that with someone. I feel like this is kinda obvious but its about the yearning I kinda do fantasize what it must be like but I do also take what I have learned/read/seen from either relationships I know of personally or seen in media and apply to them. I take both toxic and good relationships to see what I do/don’t want to write when it comes to relationships and what they would/wouldn’t do. I don’t use toxic relationships to completely shape a relationship but rather analyze it, see why it’s toxic in the first place, and see what I can do to either when I write relationships/pairings in general. Obviously I use Addams family’s Morticia and Gomez as a base for writing good relationships in general because who wouldn’t???

I also think writing terribly written Chickles fanfics and even ones with Charles probably help to in writing Charles. Are they near uncomfortable and make me wanna take a shower after reading them? Yes-but reading them not for entertainment/knowing what you’re getting into and then thinking about why you didn’t like it honestly helps in keeping a character in check. Not something I recommend for works that can potentially trigger you but for for those fics that just don’t nail their character right, can be useful in knowing how you don’t want to portray a character/relationship. It can be VERY easy to make Chickles a toxic pairing if you don’t know how to handle them right. Having a character like Charles be with someone like Pickles can be easy to butcher if someone doesn’t really study their characters. Charles doesn’t have to be completely dominant nor is he a Christian Grey-like character that doesn’t seem to know how to properly communicate with his partners. And Pickles is definitely not a weak, submissive person and is stronger/braver than anyone gives him credit for when writing those relationships. I like to think that while one may be a little more dominant/in control of the relationship, they are complete equals. If one needs to be taken care of, the other will step in and help them out.

Writing them that they had knew each other in the Snakes N’ Barrels era/80s has always been basically canon to me too! So I guess it just makes it also a lot easier to write them as in love when I set the stories in dethklok/present day; whatever problems that they had in the beginning that they fear the other might judge/yell/misunderstand for would be long since resolved/handled by the time the show aired. Whether they actually date or not by then kinda depends on the story but either way, they would have a strong relationship. They would have learned about each other, their problems and who they are inside and out. They fall in love with the little things they do and learn to handle any pet peeves with them but accept them as who they are. They have gone through so much together behind the scenes and their relationship to each other probably is one of the few that hasn’t changed when Dethklok got incredibly famous.

Season 3 and onward might be a different story. Though it’s not because of personal grievances but more of just the topic of keeping secrets & not telling the truth when they would’ve most likely been so honest with each other before. And honestly that’s what makes it REALLY devastating to write about; Pickles would know jackshit for at least a few years (Assuming that Season 3 & Season 4 took place within 3 years at best.)  and I don’t think watching someone you really love/care about die in front of you, then come back less than a year later and refuse to talk about why they’re here and give vague/cryptic answers is gonna put things back to normal.  (Maybe one day I’ll finish that fic I poured near 10,000 words in-).

And honestly it’s probably where I would like to explore on their relationship the most but it’s just so damn complex and detailed that I definitely need a lot of time to work on. They’d both want things to go back to normal but by Charles coming back, it signaled that things weren’t as what they used to be and that they most likely won’t be. What used to be a relationship based on comfort, familiarity, and a predicted unpredictability, has become something much more than neither of them have either prepared for. They’ll have to work hard to move past it and accept that like their relationship, things won’t be like they used to be. But with how much time they have spent together and that they still love each other regardless, they’ll be able to go through with this and get their happy ending!! (And I guess this is why I evolved from ‘definitely not the marrying type’ to ‘yeah they definitely get hitched after galaktikon’ because charles and pickles have probably signed a lot of important documents all their lives, so signing a marriage certificate that binds them to each other would be the most sentimental/important document he’s ever signed.)

All in all,they have such good potential writing because it’s just easy to write them for me. From their first meetings to first relationship to getting to be signed to Dethklok, I feel like they have something I probably won’t be able to replicate in other ships. They are an absolute joy to write and getting to explore.

God i could go on forever about them but im gonna stop dlfskj

[thesaltyace]

big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0