#either I'm ripping this family apart or I'm finally done living a double life

[dhwty-writes]

Today's the day that I'm finally telling my very Catholic grandparents that I'm trans. Stay tuned to find out whether or not I'll be disowned I guess

[lovelucigoosey]

We Need to Talk

(requested by @zeto1304 )

(Not sure if I’m gonna continue this yet, until I finish I’m Not Good At All, but I hope you enjoy this!!!)

The phone felt heavy in his hand as Steven hung up.

He swallowed and leaned back a little, shifting to pocket the phone again. His heart was pounding - not fast, but hard enough to make his chest ache; he heaved out a sigh, which quickly turned into a groan, closing his eyes for a second. That had been a disaster; he should have known going to Homeworld would end like that. He should have known something bad was going to happen. And it had! He had… he had almost… he had almost shattered White. He had tried to! It had taken slamming his own head into a pillar - god, it still hurt - for him to even actually realize what he'd just done, but even then, even then, it hadn't completely erased the thoughts. It hadn't made him want to do it any less. Hell, for a split second, while he'd been sitting there, holding his head, it had almost made him want to kill her even more.

He shuddered, staring down at his feet for a moment. His shoe was missing. He needed that- no, wait, what was he thinking now? He couldn't go back to Homeworld for a stupid sandal. Then he'd have to see White again after almost shattering her and- god, no, no, they could keep the sandal. Needed something to remember him by, seeing as he wasn't ever going back there.

Keep it together, Steven, he reprimanded himself, twisting his foot slightly and lifting it from the floor for a second, only to lower it back down again. Did you think of shattering White? Yes. Yes you did. Buuuut you didn't! You didn't actually shatter her so that isssssss good. I mean- yeah Jasper, you still shattered, but that's… you can work with that! One is better than two, right? Right? Right! This is fi- No- wait, what? What?! What am I thinking? This isn't fine!

He put his head in his hands and screwed his eyes shut, trying to force his thoughts into a relatively calm state, but it was far too late now. They had already trailed, wandered, gone so far that he was running double time to catch up and still somehow missing them by several thousand miles at the same time. No, no, no, no, no… this isn't… I didn't mean to… I didn't mean to shatter Jasper…! I didn't mean to think that-! I didn't really want to shatter White- right? Yeah, she did some really, really messed up things and… and… and maybe I'm… mad…?

His head throbbed, and he gripped it harder, screwing his eyes shut and letting out another soft, breathless groan into his hands. The familiar sound of the television turning on didn't register until he suddenly heard White's voice - which was enough to make his head shoot up - and wide eyes fell onto the screen. He nearly stopped breathing, mostly on purpose, every muscle in his body spasming and going completely tense as he scrambled backwards onto his bed and pushed himself as far away from the TV as he possibly could, chest tightening with… panic.

"Time to come out, Pink…"

Steven couldn't keep himself from gasping in time. It was the only gulp of air he was going to get in a while, because he immediately went back to holding his breath the second the sound left his lips, slapping his hand over his mouth and fighting back a gag. He wanted to move, he wanted to turn the TV off, he wanted to look away - but he couldn't do anything.

Just like then.

Just like when she had held him in one hand with her nail digging into his skin as she held his shirt up to reveal his gem. Just like when her other hand had come down toward him, agonizingly slowly but far too fast at the same time. Just like when he had tried to scream, to plead with her to stop so that he could talk to her. Just like when he had looked into her eyes and realized at the last second - the very last second - that he was completely, utterly, one-hundred percent helpless. The gems were being mind-controlled, Connie was being held back by Pearl and he was trapped in White Diamond's cage-like claws as she- as she-

He had felt so weak. So useless. So completely out of control. For the first time in his life, he had finally been terrified about something that was happening to him - because for the first time in his life, it was something he genuinely couldn't stop. He couldn't talk her out of hurting him. He couldn't lay on the old 'Universe charm' and flash her a soft smile and puppy dog eyes and have her fall right for it. He couldn't befriend her so that she wouldn't hurt him or his family, and his planet, and his friends and everything he'd ever known. He wasn't 'Steven' to her. Right then he'd been nothing - nothing to her than his mother. He'd had gems look at him like he was Rose. He'd had the Diamonds look at him like he was Pink. But there was something about her.

Something in her smile.

Something in her eyes.

And for the first time, Steven had been afraid. He had been helpless. He had realized how totally out of control he was and how this gem could crush him in the palm of her hand- and he couldn't do anything about it, because he couldn't talk her out of hurting him. He couldn't get enough words in to open her eyes up, to make her realize what she was doing was wrong. He hadn't had the time. He hadn't had the chance. By the time he managed to, it was too late.

He could still remember sitting alone that night, curled up and sobbing, remembering how much it had hurt. Now, his hand twitched down to his stomach somewhat out of instinct, right when the White Diamond on the screen pinched two fingers around his gemstone and pulled it out. The television cut to static after that, and he actually did gag this time, recalling that that was pretty much how it had actually happened. After that, once the white-hot pain had subsided, everything had suddenly just kind of stopped. Everything had gone dark. It hadn't even stopped hurting, even when the darkness consumed him; no, it had kept hurting. Up to the second he woke up in Connie's arms, it still hurt. Everything had hurt. His stomach. His body. His head.

He had been terrified.

Terrified that he wasn't going to be able to fix it this time. He wasn't gonna be able to befriend this gem. She had hurt him. In a way that nobody had ever hurt him before.

It was, undeniably, the worst thing he had ever experienced… and he had just shoved it down. One snide comment - "I am a child. What's your excuse?" - was the only thing he was able to snap at her. The only thing to release barely a fraction of the anger and hurt that had welled up in his chest. He had wanted to scream and cry - and he had, he had done that a lot later on - but right then, he could only watch as his biggest enemy fell apart on him just like everyone else. And then he had to pick up the pieces and put her back together, brand new again.

And then he had to live with her for two years. He had to see her face. He had to see her smile. He had to look into her eyes. He had to deal with it when she wanted to pick him up. He had to remind himself that things were different now and she wasn't going to do that again. He had to wake up alone after every nightmare, calm himself down from a panic attack after every interaction with her, force himself to keep a straight face and a grin when he was near her instead of lashing out like he wanted to, screaming and crying like he wanted to, instead of showing an ounce of the fear he felt - for even more fear that she would turn against him again.

And she would hurt them. And she would hurt him. And then it would be his fault. Because he couldn't look her in the eyes for the sake of the galaxy after she had ripped his gem out.

With tears steadily brewing in his eyes, Steven couldn't help but wonder, now, why. Why. After everything she had put him through. After everything she had put them through. Why did he have to be the one to put up with her? Why did he have to be the one stuck with her? Why did he have to be the one to help her after she had hurt him like that? After she had managed to do the one thing none of the other gems had ever managed to do - and genuinely scare him?

Even Jasper hadn't scared him like that… and, at first? Yeah. She had scared him.

Malachite had scared him.

But Jasper didn't scare him anymore. It had been a long time since he felt that kind of fear toward her; but he still felt it toward White, despite his best efforts to ignore it. And it wasn't just when he was around her, either. Sometimes it was just the thought of her, the mention of her. Anything about her was enough to make him tense, make him want to shudder and curl up. He never wanted to feel so out of control again. He never wanted to feel so helpless again.

And maybe that was why it was easy to lose himself in the fight with Jasper. Maybe that's why it was easy to think, for just a second, that he wanted to inflict as much pain on her as he could. Because, for once, he was the one in control. He was the one dishing out the blows. He was the one, finally, unafraid, with a steady grip on his powers, one he wished he could say he'd had on his emotions, too. It had been too late when he realized what he'd done; when he realized he'd let all of that anger and pain overpower him, getting high on his powers, on the control he held. And that was what had happened back on Homeworld; realizing White couldn't hurt him. Because he was controlling her.

Just like she had controlled him that day. Just like she had controlled the gems that day.

A new scene unfolded on the screen.

"She's the one who should be afraid…"

Again, more insistently, as he stared at the screen, he wondered why. He had been - what? Fourteen? When it had happened. Fourteen when he made the decision that his own fear, his own discomfort, his own pain, mattered less than everyone else. Who cared if White scared the living crap out of him? Who cared that he still dreamed about what had happened that day? Who cared that he still wanted to cower before her when they were face to face, wanted to curl up and beg her not to hurt him. Like he had. Like he had when he had been controlling her. When he finally let a little bit of that fear slip, finally reverted back into that fourteen year old that had writhed and struggled against her hold, too scared to open his mouth and beg her to stop.

He still remembered - everything he wanted to say - every single pleading word on the tip of his tongue he couldn't spit out. Stop! Stop it! I don't like this! Let me go! Please- you're scaring me!

The scene changed again, and Steven finally decided he'd had enough when he heard those same words being screamed right back at him. A different scenario; a different victim. But still so similar that it made his chest ache. He scrambled off of the bed, hitting his knees on the floor and fumbling for the button to turn the TV off - and breathing out a sigh of relief when he did.

The relief didn't last long.

He recoiled the second he saw his reflection; the second he saw the diamond eyes staring back at him. And that… that was it. That was the second he completely unraveled. At first, he could only gasp, every part of him trembling. His hand rose toward the black screen, toward his reflection, only to pull back again. He couldn't breathe; he was trying his best now, no longer holding his breath and trying to gulp in as much air as he could, but every attempt was shaky, stifled, feeling like his entire body was simply about to shut down and collapse right there.

And then he screamed.

The screen cracked as he pushed himself back, hitting the foot of his bed, and promptly dissolved into hysterics. He felt fourteen again, crying and screaming out for his dad in the spaceship on his way to the human zoo. Sitting alone in his bed night after night after the nightmares that haunted him, sobbing and trying in vain to calm himself down. He hadn't cried like this in three years; he hadn't felt like this in three years. This helpless and hurt.

"No, no, nononono-" He covered his face, struggling to speak through his tears, but that was the only thing he could get out before he just couldn't speak anymore, only able to spit out stuttered, short attempts through his sobs as he only grew more hysterical, more frantic, more desperate.

"This isn't-" His ribs hurt, body spasming and jerking with the force of his sobs as he pressed his hands harder against his face in an attempt to just make himself shut up. "This c- I can't- I don't- I- I- why is this- HA- HAP- PENING TO ME-?!" The entire room shook this time as he screamed, not out of anger, but complete, raw pain, and terror. He continued to sob, doubling over and gripping the sides of his head now instead, fingers burrowing deep into his hair. He pulled, tugging as hard as he could - and even managing to tug several strands loose in the process. "I don't wanna be a Diamond! I don't wanna be a Diamond! I DON'T WANNA BE A DIAMOND!"

He felt like he was falling.

He tugged at his hair again, more desperately now as he cried, shaking his head and trying to rid himself of some of the tears streaking down his face. He felt like he was about to drown in them at this point; a few even went up his nose when he tried to breathe in, but it only brought on another series of choked, body-wracking sobs, loud and filled with pure, unadulterated pain. "I ju- just w- wanna b- wanna- wanna be- be me I just wanna be me I just wanna he- help-"

A few more tears fought their way to freedom, coursing down his cheeks, and he cried a little bit harder. He couldn't stop himself. It was just another thing he had lost complete control over now. "I- I just wanna help," he whimpered, "J- Just wanna help pe- people I do- don- don't w- don't wanna h- hurt th- I- I- I- can't-" He gasped, struggling for air, and covered his face again.

He couldn't say with complete certainty how long he stayed like that, sobbing and gasping. He eventually gave up on speaking through his tears, just letting himself cry in a way he hadn't in a long, long time now. He felt like he was breaking inside, something squeezing his lungs and shattering each one of his bones and internal organs into pieces and there wasn't anything he could do about it, nothing, nothing but sit there and cry and feel as helpless as he did when he was fourteen years old, when he was nothing but a child with the weight of two worlds on his shoulders.

"It hurts…" He whispered shakily as his sobs finally quieted, just a little. Subsiding slowly into sniffles, too tired, too sore for his body to keep working itself the way it had been. "It h- hurts… I'm scared-" He choked out another sob, hiccuping almost immediately after, as if his body was trying to breathe on its own now. It didn't quite work - if anything, it made him hurt even worse. "I want my dad…" He shook his head, his face pressed into his hands. "I w- want my gems…"

They had hurt him, too.

Deep down, he knew that. He knew how much they had put on him - how much they had led him to put on himself. But right then, at that moment, he just didn't want to be alone.

He was still trying to calm himself down, still struggling with himself, still trying to breathe, when he heard the stairs creak. He jumped a little, still in panic-mode, head snapping up at once as he blinked rapidly to try and see through the blur of tears in his eyes. It wasn't much, but - a familiar blob of purple was all he needed to see. That was all it took for his eyes to scrunch up again, for his mouth to twist, for his body to tremble and shudder in protest before he started crying again. This time, it wasn't outright sobbing; it was quieter, but just as messy.

Just as painful.

He heard Amethyst gasp, footsteps rushing over to him, but he couldn't force himself to calm down enough to look up at her again. He only buried his face into his hands again, hiccuping and gasping as he tried to force himself to breathe. "Steven, what- what happened?!"

"Steven?!" Pearl practically shrieked, her voice a little further away - but when she spoke again, accompanied by the sound of more footsteps, she was much closer than Steven had expected. And it was enough to make him flinch and recoil, looking up just in time to see Amethyst pulling her hand back in shock, while Pearl reached out for him without hesitation, either having not seen his reaction or simply not minding it. Regardless, he didn't even fight her, as she only managed to utter, "are you okay-?!" Before she finally seemed to register him completely.

He didn't know what it was. The tears. The pinkness. The hair. The diamond eyes. But she gasped, sucking in a breath that didn't come back out for a long, long time.

Rubbing his eyes, he opened his mouth to speak, but the only thing he could muster now was desperate, completely unintelligible stuttering. He didn't have the strength to put any words together now, much less to form an even slightly coherent sentence. They were here; they were right there in front of him, asking him what happened and if he was okay and, oh, god, he wasn't. He wasn't okay. And he wanted nothing more than to finally let go of all his doubts and fears and just let everything pour out, but he still couldn't form the words to do so.

"Steven…?" Amethyst's voice was softer, a little more panicked.

He choked out another sob and covered his face with one hand, letting the other one drop. Rather than hitting the ground, as he expected it to, it landed in another hand instead; he recognized Pearl's touch with ease, as both of her hands curled around his, and it only made him shake even harder with the sobs he couldn't muster any more than he could speak.

But he squeezed her hand, half to reassure her and half to beg her not to leave him, not to go anywhere until he could finally pull himself together enough to say something. And she squeezed back, a reassurance of her own, and Steven finally let his shoulders droop.

After that, it was a little easier to calm himself down. He rubbed the tears away as they fell, breathing in slowly and steadily - in through his nose, out through his mouth, just like Garnet had taught him - as the gems only watched. He could feel their gazes, confused and concerned, and as much as he wanted to open his mouth to speak, to explain, to talk - he didn't know what would come out when he did, and if it would be words, or if it would just be more sobbing. So he just kept his mouth shut and forced himself to breathe, until, finally, he managed to calm down just enough to get a few good, long deep breaths in, going limp with relief once he had.

"Steven," Garnet spoke softly, and he flicked his gaze up to her, still blinking past the remaining tears. Her hand raised to her visor, poofing it away with the simplest touch; three eyes stared back at him, one red, one blue, and one purple, each one filled with nothing but concern. "We're worried." And he wondered who the 'we' was in this situation - her, Amethyst and Pearl, or Ruby and Sapphire. Regardless, he managed to breathe in again, rubbing his eyes a little harder.

It took several minutes for him to spit out the words, but he'd never felt more relieved than when he finally managed to, breath hitching and stuttering every so often, but managing to speak his request clearly and loudly enough for them all to hear. Because they all needed to hear this.

"We- We need- t- to talk…"