#eh eh introspection in the middle of HUGE ASS DRAMA

[hel-phoenyx]

Monster

I get back to my room alone. Heart still beating. Hand still trembling. My blood still running hot in my veins.

I do not get why all my body tells me to run. To fight. To defend myself. To retaliate. Anything but comply even though I complied.

That talk started well. A little discussion about my mother's passing, promises on making light on every crime never left answered, discussion on politics and stubbornness and friendship and everything

And then

I get out of my coat. His coat. It still smells like blood.

Blood. exactly like that day.

Exactly like when I found it on the shore and even the strongest smell of the ocean couldn't hide the iron within.

How long did I cry with the bloodied coad in my arms ?

My hand run on a seam on the middle of the back. Where the heart lies.

I spent so much time relearning how to sew so it could be invisible on the fabric. So I could wear it and believe it was a last gift rather than a trophy.

My fingers tighten.

"... You probably have a good laugh where you are, huh, asshole ?"

No one for answering me. Of course.

I am all alone because of my decisions

And this time I intend very well to own it.

The discussion would have went well. I could have apologized. Tell him I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. Even if I already did, I could stop. Find another way to happiness, one that doesn't expect me to betray my best friend and the one I love more than anything.

Or do I ?

I expected his anger. It was legitimate, even though the extend surprised me, considering the discussion we had this morning. Then again, Meili may be right, it is after all less about love and more about politics. There can never be two Kings.

But there is a sentence still running in my head

And every time I think about it

"I hope you won't throw away our friendship for the first feminine body passing through"

I feel nothing but rage.

Forget about what you think of me. Forget about you thinking I would betray you for a quick fuck or anything like that. I warned you for a god damn reason. Forget about that image you have now, that may or may not be fueled by anger, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

This is your fiancee we're talking about. The woman you we love. And I really hope this one in particular was only prompted by anger and never an underlying feeling of possessiveness and what you are really thinking of her

Especially with that future she was promised.

My teeth grit. I can taste blood. Mine, this time. Hot. Salty. Iron.

Addictive.

This may be what Valentina was talking about as blood hunger.

I put the coat on its hanger. Look at it.

"You know, you may have been right, you bastard."

Still no answer. I know he's listening to me. I can hear the voices. The ghosts are still pursuing me, after all these years.

"I may very well have fallen in love with a monster."

I smile. Blood run through my lips. I don't know where it came from.

"That won't stop me."

My best friend, laughing with me and teasing me and complaining lightly when I do the same. The man I love, shining brightly under the sun in all his glory. The monster prompted by Carnage, overwhelmed by an omnipresent thirst for blood and death.

I can't just accept one facet of him and ignore the others now, can I ?

Even if that means hating the monster as much as I love the other two.

There is an crested earring on my nightstand. An unbroken ring surrounding a dragon eye.

Maybe I should start accept every facet of my being, too.

Because I can't present him the best friend only and forget I am also the fallen prince, the schemer, the betrayer. The one in love witn his fiancee.

Wearing it right now would be an act of defiance. I intend not to defy.

But sooner or later I'll have to remind everyone I am also Tyrfing af Mundir. So I can remind myself better and stop commiting mistakes that would be formalities for Tyr.