#efnisien wasn't meant to

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Have you been surprised by the popularity of any of your characters? Characters you weren’t sure would catch on but became loved?

Anon, I've been surprised by the popularity of nearly all of my characters.

Augus and Gwyn started out as side "throwaway" OCs in a fanfic because I needed an Unseelie and Seelie representative.

And like, *gestures to all of Fae Tales* - That wasn't a plan! That wasn't meant to be a thing!!

And then, Ash was meant to be a throwaway foil to his brother and *gestures wildly at Ash*

And then like, Efnisien literally gets killed before we even meet him in Game Theory and *gestures to all of everything re: Falling Falling Stars and Underline the Rainbow*

And then also Dr Gary wasn't even supposed to have proper chapters in Falling Falling Stars and *gestures so wildly at that story and Underline and then screeches like a dinosaur*

Seriously none of my original writing on AO3 would exist if it wasn't for two throwaway OCs in a fanfic gaining popularity and getting so many questions about them from the most wonderful anons and readers that eventually I had to take them more seriously to the point that I finally had enough to write a story.

And even THEN it was only supposed to be 3 chapters of hatefucking.

My original writing career can be defined by just saying 'OH OOPS' in more extreme ways each time.

It's gotten to the point where I'm truly tempted to introduce characters from new worlds upcoming as side characters in current worlds lmao, because I feel this is a bizarre skill I have and didn't know I had until one day I was like 'wait.'

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If that's how much Gary loses it with just efnisien's sub-larentins, how does Augus handle being with omegas in full heat all the time? Or is Augus just more accustomed to it and is just like Gary this so embarrassing for you 🤭 one whiff of larentin and you can't make sentences 🤭

OR is it with an omega in heat and a peak alpha that's its just. Full animal going at it from both of them?

It's definitely not just the sub-larentins! Efnisien wasn't even in heat, and we've seen Gary react to Efnisien in (a partial) heat and he wasn't out of control, but he did grow increasingly uh, invested, or maybe aroused by Efnisien the more time he spent with him, and the more he came to interact with him sensually/sexually.

Gary's not attracted to omegas, and he can suppress his reaction to omegas when they're in heat. We also know that he can have this intense reaction to alphas, which is why James only agreed to having penetrative sex with him less than a handful of times a year. So it's definitely not just a 'sub-larentin' thing, though I think that played into why things lasted so long, Gary could always go into that feral headspace because he literally warns Efnisien over and over again what he's like, because of his experience with alphas. Which is important to remember! Gary hasn't been that intense before, but that doesn't mean he isn't intense, because that's what he's been trying to prepare Efnisien for mentally for some time, from the size training, to other things, to kind of give him a 'hey, don't fuck around with peak alphas, I mean it' heads up.

But Gary didn't know that he could fuck for three days straight, and that's where I think the sub-larentins had a partial (but definitely not full) influence.

how does Augus handle being with omegas in full heat all the time?

Most peak alphas (including Gary) don't react to omegas in heat the way most alphas do. Most peak alphas aren't attracted to omegas at all (in fact many aren't attracted to anyone, they're attracted to power), so Augus doesn't have the same issues that some alphas do if an omega goes into heat (he has other issues, but that's a whole other thing).

Tbh in this world it'd be more like 'that's embarrassing for Augus' re: how he's able to be so in control all the time. He's considered on the weaker end of the peak alpha perspective. (If Temsen and Gary are at a 90/100, Augus is at a 20/100 for power, lmao, kind of like of the alphas, Janusz is on the lower end and Caleb is on the higher for power).

Augus is very good at sublimating his instincts into BDSM, but he's really quite atypical and is the only peak alpha companion in the world because of it. A meaner peak alpha would probably call that a skill issue, lmao.

But we also haven't seen Augus with an omega during their heat. We don't know how he's affected. We can't draw any conclusions about it, especially since alphas are meant to fuck omegas for days without stopping during a heat, because that's like...part of the responsibility of taking care of an omega. So if he can do that and is invested in doing that, he's just being normal.

But yeah no, Efnisien wasn't in heat! He wasn't making more sub-larentins than normal. So whole 'one whiff of larentin' isn't why Gary couldn't make sentences. That had nothing to do with it. Gary was like this before with alphas who don't make sub-larentins. It was the length/intensity on top of everything he doesn't expect, but he memory loss, the lack of ability to form sentences etc. that's all normal for him. That's peak alphas being in the haze of utterly destroying/dominating someone, and that is something they very much enjoy (if they're attracted to anyone at all) with alphas.

OR is it with an omega in heat and a peak alpha that's its just.

Efnisien was never in heat for this! Efnisien wasn't in heat, didn't "need" sex, wasn't producing more hormones for sex. He was just, in that moment, a regular alpha who was curious about having penetrative sex for the first time.

We can see Gary's reaction at least to a partial heat earlier in the story, and it's very different, so we know he doesn't lose control of himself / and can still make full sentences when Efnisien's in that state.

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Daily excerpt from today's writing, chapter 75 of Underline the Black:

'No,' he said, voice rough. 'Your pain's barely spiked. That's just overwhelming. That's not a good enough reason to get away from me.' Fingers thrusting roughly back into him, Gary spreading his own thighs and keeping Efnisien's legs open and apart, and then that hideous dual pressure on the pain point and the place where pleasure and intensity were liquefying his thoughts. Efnisien shouted, clawed at Gary's arm where it pinned him, and then warbled out some kind of sound that was meant to be a protest as Gary began to slide his fingers back and forth. The spot that caused the pain was awful, Efnisien couldn't tell if the sweating was based in nausea and chills or a mind-numbing deep pleasure. His dick was hard. He wanted to tear out his own hair. At one point his teeth slammed together, he keened, Gary not only didn't stop, but pressed harder, rhythmically, making a low sound of satisfaction when Efnisien's heels drummed into the bed.  'Good,' Gary said. 'Good boy.'  Efnisien opened his mouth and replied with a cry.  'We're not even targeting your prostate, this is wonderful. Am I being cruel? I know some of this is painful. Remember when I said you weren't ready for me?'  Conversation wasn't going to happen. Nothing reciprocal anyway. Efnisien was shuddering bodily, over and over again, and the muscles in his thighs trembled. His breathing shook heavily.  'Here,' Gary said, wrapping a hand around Efnisien's dick. When he started jacking him off, Efnisien shouted. Gary laughed. 'You're going to be this easy? Aren't I hurting you?' 'Fuck- Fuck-' He couldn't manage the you part that he desperately wanted to say.  'I'll finish the sentences for you. How about I imagine them for you. Fuck me, I'm a monster, why am I even doing this? I don't have to fuck you at all, hm, maybe even...it's too much. It really looks like it is, Efnisien. I can't remember the last time you were this incoherent without being in the kind of pain that makes everyone drop everything to make it stop. This is mild for you. Do you think it's still a five? Now, now, don't try to get away. It's just an orgasm. You've had them before.'

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Hi! I don't know if this has been asked yet. But reading falling falling stars, there's a bit where efnisien talks about how he was meant to be a culmination of the 'worst' parts of Crielle and penny (penny's brutality and Crielle's ability to control it). do you think instead he got the 'best' parts of them (beauty and brains) instead and is why he was still preferred to Gwyn, but not in the specific shape they wanted him in?

Hi anon,

I think Efnisien's assessment is understandable, but it's also like...just his thoughts about something, and not reflective of reality.

He didn't get the best or worst parts of Penny or Crielle. He was raised by abusers, and there were good things and terrible things in that household, but most of the things were terrible. Efnisien's beauty is 'fragile' because he was malnourished so badly, that's not a 'best' thing that he inherited from his family, that was something inflicted on him. His thinness is a symptom of his upbringing and abuse. His pretty face is genetics, he got that just as much from his ancestors as from Penny.

Likewise, his intelligence - as Crielle actually rightly points out - works against him often. It's not a 'best' part at all. People who are highly intellectual but raised in abusive homes often are prone to coping techniques like intellectualisation and catastrophisation, and highly intellectual people are actually more prone to mental illness. Efnisien's ability to think things through without wisdom or guidance or maturity meant he was able to convince himself that he was evil with far more complexity than what Crielle was saying, to reinforce everything she was saying.

These things are not 'best' traits for everyone, anon. Someone being 'ugly' is not the worst thing it's possible to be, and someone being intelligent isn't always the best. Crielle's intelligence was used to manipulate, torture, and sadistically brainwash Efnisien. Is that really her best quality? Her beauty was used to manipulate, deceive and convince people that she was harmless, because folks mistakenly think that 'beautiful' also means 'good' and 'pure' (they're wrong, but it's for this reason that attractive abusers are actually less likely to come to justice than 'ugly' ones). It wasn't one of her best qualities. And it also wasn't something she had a choice over. That's 100% down to genetics.

Also, he didn't inherit that from her anyway, he's Penny's son. And her beauty is also 100% down to genetics.

I'm very wary of attaching words like 'best' or 'good' to traits like beauty (subjective) and intelligence, anon. Like, philosophically, I would not say those were 'best traits' and nor where Penny and Crielle using these qualities in helpful, compassionate, useful, or caring ways. Efnisien didn't either for a long time. In fact he himself makes it clear that he used his prettiness and his beauty to deceive people, and this is why the story makes him look less pretty outside of scenes as the story goes on. He wears less handsome clothing, he wears more comfortable clothing, he doesn't make his hair fashionable any longer, etc.

The story itself is like 'uh, being beautiful and smart can still turn out psychopathic torturers.'

Not best traits, anon. Not worst traits either. Just things that exist, that are used as tools by people both consciously and unconsciously towards all ends. Be wary of thinking this way yourself anon, it sets up an unconscious bias towards believing that people who are ugly and not as smart are somehow 'worse' than people who are beautiful and intelligent.

And the world doesn't work like that at all.

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Hi Pia! I hope you're doing well! I have a question about Patreon membership. I currently support you in the Augus and Gwyn tier, paid twice per month. I'm very interested in the Gary and Efnisien tier, but I wouldn't be able to afford doing that twice per month. If I capped it at one payment per month it would be the same as what I currently pay, though. Are you okay with people choosing a higher tier and only paying the minimum amount for that tier?

Hi anon!

This is a great question, and I'm totally okay with people limiting their pledge, in fact I encourage this. So if you go to the Patreon About section and scroll down, you'll find this if you ever need to double check again! ->

If you want all the rewards but have a limited budget, cap your pledge and join a higher tier! You can also change your pledge amount – higher or lower – as your life dictates. This is meant to work for you, so do whatever feels comfortable. I'm happy to have you here for as long as you're happy to be here, I hope I can make your stay far warmer and cozier than what I put most of my characters through!

So yeah, I fully understand that not everyone can afford the double charge, but if you can on the Augus&Gwyn tier, then absolutely please upgrade to the Gary&Efnisien tier to get access to Constellations and the Game Theory edits! And limit your pledge so you're still paying the same amount.

Who knows anon, one day you might be able to afford more, but until then, I want people to enjoy their time on the Patreon as much as they can. I 100% wouldn't suggest it on the Patreon (or here when I remember to mention tiers on Patreon) if I wasn't completely okay with it, so you don't have to worry anon, it's really okay :)

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I don't want to spoil anything for readers who haven't read the newest chapter of FFS yet, but-- *incoherent but excited screaming*

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

Tbh that last part wasn't actually meant to happen in this way, lol, Efnisien just had a big realisation earlier than I meant him to. I always imagined that scene happening at Arden's house, but nope, Efnisien jumped the gun.

I love that though. :D

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Did Efnisien ever read that astrophysics book or does Arden still have it? Also why did Gwyn react so quickly and harshly when he saw it wasn't on the bookshelf like what nefarious deeds was he imagining Efnisien did with a book??

Oh no, Efnisien never read that astrophysics book.

As for Gwyn reacting so quickly/harshly to Efnisien not having the book - Efnisien broke with a pattern they'd had for three years, and Gwyn was suspicious as to why. It wasn't what Efnisien did with the book that was the real problem, it was what it meant that Efnisien wasn't loyally putting Gwyn's books (every single one of them) on his bookshelf.

Basically Gwyn wondered if it meant that he was losing control over Efnisien, and if that meant Efnisien was hurting people again.

He was right about the first part, and wrong about the second.

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omigod i thought I remembered you saying we wouldnt be seeing henton or crielle in ffs so i went into the latest chapter and got whammied, i mean i guess you didnt make any promises but still

is ef gonna be afraid of assassination for the rest of his life? i mean before this he just seemed to think crielle wouldnt care about him anymore after the first murder attempt but now he has confirmation she still wants him dead, i would be afraid if i were him fuck

Tbh I 100% said we wouldn't see Crielle again and that she wouldn't be coming back to the city.

I never said we wouldn't hear from Crielle again.

So I was basically telling the truth but in a really sneaky way, lol, and I've been doing that for a year and a half, because I've known about this scene since the beginning, basically. But yeah no, we still haven't seen her again, because she wasn't in the story to visually see. How people interpreted what I said that was up to then, but I very much hoped they'd assume it meant 'she's never returning period' vs. 'she's returning in one very specific way that Pia has never admitted to.'

We only heard her over the phone.

Cackles in evil.

is ef gonna be afraid of assassination for the rest of his life?

No, I don't even think he's going to be afraid specifically of this for that much longer. Crielle makes it pretty clear that the threat is conditional on him trying to contact her again, and while Efnisien's fear is in overdrive, I feel like Crielle's words are pretty clear - don't call me again, or I'll organise having you killed. If Efnisien doesn't call her, nothing will happen.

I mean he's not wrong to be frightened overall, but Crielle cared about him enough to have organised his death by now, he'd be dead by now. She's had 3 years in which to organise it.

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I loved the latest chapter, thank you so much for the update. I was always wondering why it said that Arden know more about Henton than Dr Gary, when he watched all the tapes. I guess what it meant that what actually happened from ef's point of view, right? Since he talked to Arden more about it. However, I don't understand how come Dr Gary didn't expect talking about touching arms and so on would trigger ef, I know he couldn't hear Henton's sessions, but he did see him touching ef's arm, no? Also, do you think ef would eventually be able to talk to Dr Gary about what happened?

Hi anon!

I was always wondering why it said that Arden know more about Henton than Dr Gary, when he watched all the tapes. I guess what it meant that what actually happened from ef's point of view, right?

You answered the question for yourself!

Efnisien isn't the reader, he's Efnisien. He's specifically talking about how much he's personally shared with anyone about what happened to him at Hillview. He means 'you know more (because I've talked about it) than Dr Gary (because I haven't talked about it as much).' He's not thinking about the technicalities of surveillance, especially because he also sees that as a betrayal, and not something he personally identifies with.

However, I don't understand how come Dr Gary didn't expect talking about touching arms and so on would trigger ef, I know he couldn't hear Henton's sessions, but he did see him touching ef's arm, no?

It's not a therapist's job to avoid talking about everything that might be a trigger! They'd be a pretty bad therapist if they were just as avoidant as the client. No one would ever heal if the therapist was like 'well this thing might be a trigger so I better not bring it up!'

Secondly, Efnisien's triggers are - like most PTSD triggers - not predictable. He can sit in a chair opposite Dr Gary, and talk to him about very vulnerable things, and that only triggers his PTSD sometimes. Likewise, Dr Gary spent the previous session telling Efnisien it was good to learn to be kind to his body and that didn't trigger Efnisien like this either, until a week later (even though Henton also used this rhetoric).

It's not Dr Gary's job to be a mind reader! It would also make a pretty poor psychologist to just...guess everything about his client in advance, and frankly, since Efnisien wasn't triggered by it last time, Dr Gary had no particular reason to think this subject would be worse than some of the other things they've talked about.

But yeah, even if Dr Gary did expect that he'd trigger Efnisien, he wouldn't necessarily avoid the subject. We've seen him bring up a lot of things that have triggered Efnisien, and there's a big range of how people react to being triggered! Sometimes - in fact very often - Efnisien has still had really productive sessions precisely because Dr Gary has activated Efnisien's trauma and they've safely done some work on it within that state. Unless a client says: 'We don't talk about this subject until I say you can' - a therapist isn't a friend, or a family member, they are a clinician whose job it is to help someone's mental illness, not avoid it, y'know? It's Dr Gary's job to literally go there, not avoid it!

Every time Efnisien's nearly walked out of a session - he's been triggered. Every time he's felt like throwing up - he's been triggered. Every time his stomach has hurt in therapy - he's been triggered. Every time Efnisien's had an intrusive thought - he's been triggered. Dr Gary doesn't avoid it at all! If anything, he lasers in on those moments. It's just...this trigger had a much bigger and profound reaction than either of them expected, and it didn't actually bother Dr Gary at all. He knows the reaction/response won't last forever better than Efnisien does, and just waiting it out compassionately is going to be more productive than going 'we can never talk about this again.' Dr Gary purposefully has activated Efnisien's trauma (because they're in a safe space, and because he trusts Efnisien will shut him down if necessary) more than once, and he'll continue to do it in the future, Efnisien is normally very receptive to it provided his initial response isn't too extreme. This just wasn't one of those times which was - as Dr Gary said - useful to know!

Also, do you think ef would eventually be able to talk to Dr Gary about what happened?

Efnisien already has talked to Dr Gary about some of what happened with Henton, more than once, so yes I think he can, because he's done it before. :)