#eeeeeep we look so pretty :3

[chrollogy]

THE MOON SENT YOU TO ME

“for you, i’d steal all the stars.” “idiot. you’re the only one i want.”

© comm by the lovely luvluvluv06 on twt! (don’t repost/save)

[simply-trash5]

Running

Eeeeeep. Time for Chapter Three!

“You told me to text you sometime, well sometime is now. I hope you get some sleep Y/N...and that you decide to meet me this afternoon at 4:00 for a run. I’ll be in front of your building. Hope to see you then :)” 

You looked down at your phone giving a smirk. Texting him back seemed kind of strange so late at night so you decided to send him a message tomorrow. You had no idea if you wanted to run with him tomorrow. You hadn’t worked out in a very long time; at this point you didn’t know if you had athletic wear or running shoes. Putting all of the thoughts out of your mind you climbed into bed falling quickly off to sleep.

That night you dreamed about what happened earlier that day but the story played out differently. Lee still helped you up but somehow you found the confidence to tell him that he was cute. Of course, this being a dream, he told you that you were cute too and asked you to get coffee. You woke up just before you could answer.

“You have got to be kidding me…” your phone rang waking you from seeing if you decided to go on the date with a guy who you seemingly shared your whole life story with. You were surprised to see a text from him with a man running emoji. You giggled at your phone and just locked it. Part of you wanted him to be surprised when you showed up,but part of you knew he was just being nice and there was no way that fate had brought you two together. “Y/N chill the fuck out.” You took a deep breath in and rose from your bed. 

You checked the clock and saw that it was already 2:00 and that you had slept the entire morning away. You jumped out of bed, thanking God that it was saturday and began searching your wardrobe for a workout set. You finally settled on long black athletic leggings and a dark gray hoodie. You slicked your h/c hair into a high messy bun and filled your water bottle. 

In the time that you had before you walked downstairs you thought about how strange it was to go on a run with a stranger, especially someone as fit as Lee. Your thoughts drifted back when you saw his dark eyes large with worry when he knocked you over and the small blush that rose to his cheeks when he figured out that you were alright. You checked your phone again, “okay 3:55, let's walk downstairs.” You bounded down the stairs ready to surprise the tall, lanky gentleman. 

In front of the building bounced back and forth on the balls of his feet. He loved running. He loved the energy of it all. The wind in his hair, the sun on his face, the feeling right before he thought he would give up and he would power through to the end. Out of all physical activity he did,running was his favorite. It even brought a girl mysteriously into his life. He checked his phone hoping that you had gotten his last text. He had to resist texting you more because he had a tendency to be overbearing. He checked his sports watch, found his playlist on his phone, and began to warm up by stretching, moving his cold muscles in the weather. That was when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He stood up stick straight with huge smile on his face. “Y/N! I can’t believe you decided to come! We are going to have so much fun.”

You groaned and reached in your pocket to find your phone and earbuds. “Shit.” You muttered under your breath. “Uh so I forgot my phone. Should I go back and get it?”

Lee shook his head vigorously. “No worries! I uh...know you like playlists so I kinda made one that I was going to share with you later, but um if its not too weird you can wear one of my earbuds.

You grabbed the earbud from his outstretched hand and put it in your ears. You began to stretch your legs and jogging in place to get your body warm. You heard one of your favorite songs come on the mix and you looked at Lee with wide eyes. Lee returned the look with a grin.

“Y/N! You know this song don’t you? It is SO good.” He bobbed his head and continued stretching. He turned away from you and sighed to himself. He somehow felt like he passed a test. Maybe if he could get through this run without completely losing his nerve he would ask you out and not just ask you to workout. 

Somehow the idea of letting you into his element calmed him though. He knew that no one had to say or think anything when running unless they wanted to. Despite his happy demeanor, Lee had anxiety that he had struggled with since he was a little kid. All he ever wanted to do was love himself and make his loved ones proud, and he planned to keep proving that he was worth it to everyone in his life. Life seemed to make more sense when he realized that he could do what he loved and turn it into something to make his family proud. 

“Lee, you ready to start? If I don’t start running soon I'm pretty sure my fingers are going to freeze off.” Lee snapped back to the present and looked at you with a smirk on his face. 

“Alright, try not to beat me okay?”

You rolled your eyes and started off on the running course through campus. The music kept getting better and you were honestly super impressed. He had music that you hadn’t heard since you were a kid and some stuff that you would have never imagined he listened to. 

You were slightly behind him while running. His cheeks were red, his brows were furrowed and his hair bounced on his forehead with each step he took. You could feel the corners of your mouth turn up into a smile. You never intended actually liking Lee, but you could feel yourself growing warmer imagining spending more time with him. 

Your thoughts were going beautifully, until you stepped in a hole. You twisted your ankle and fell to the ground with a loud “SHIT.” Lee stopped and turned around looking at you in a heap on the ground clutching your ankle. Tears pricked at your eyes from the pain as you bit your lip willing them back in. 

“Oh my God, Y/N are you okay?” Lee jogged over to you and crouched down beside you on the ground. He reached out to touch your ankle and you winced as his fingers touched it. “Y/N…we need to get you somewhere to get it checked out.”

You cursed yourself and shook your head. “No Lee, I’m fine. Let’s just walk for a bit yeah?” Lee nodded in agreement and helped you from the ground. You stepped and began to fall over again. Lee grabbed your arm and held you up. He looked at you, his big eyes full of concern, lips pursed.

“Y/N, I think we better get you back to your room. You can get on my back and I’ll carry you!”

Your face grew incredibly red and you began to stutter, “L-lee I d-don’t think-k thats a g-good idea. I’m kind of heavy.” Your eyes drifted to the ground and you mentall kicked yourself for being a clutz. 

“I insist. Please let me help you Y/N.” He reached out and grabbed your hand. Despite the pain in your ankle your heart fluttered a little bit. You shook your head, giving into his request. You climbed onto Lee’s back and wrapped your arms around his neck. He held your legs carefully; trying not to touch your hurt ankle. 

You were as light as Lee had imagined. He loved the feeling of you holding onto him and needing him despite you still not knowing much about each other. He had a small smile on his face the entire way back to your building. He knew you lived on the third floor because of your conversation last night by the reflection pool and knew there was no way you could get up there on your own. “Y/N swipe your card, I’m going to carry you to your room and settle you in. It was me that got us in this mess in the first place.”

You reluctantly let the two of you in the building and he huffed up the stairs with hardly any trouble. Once he got into your room he sat you on your bed. He reached a cold hand down to trace your ankle, noticing how it was swelling. Goosebumps rose on your skin under his calloused touch. You both looked at each other and blushed looking away from each other. 

“Y/N, can I help you take off your shoe? I want to get you an ice pack for the swelling.” He reached his hand out again and after permission began to untie your shoe. At the moment he leaned in to pull it from your foot you also leaned into help. The two of you brushed noses and froze. 

In that moment you wanted to kiss him despite barely knowing him. He wanted to kiss you even though he was nervous he might do the wrong thing. You looked down to your lap and began to blush. The tension in the room was intense. Both of you wanted something more but were so scared to make a move. It was when Lee reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear that you decided you had a full on crush and that running might be the best thing that had happened to you in a long time.

[colitisandme]

Acceptance.

Before I start this blog post ... I have my face set to super excited mode. My little blog has been nominated for an award! (eeeeeep) I am incredibly surprised and blessed that it has reached and resonated with so many people and I want to say that if you enjoy my writing, Iwould be incredibly grateful if you click on the this link. https://www.wegohealth.com/Jess2/awards and click endorse me. Thank you all. Love and light to you xxxxx

It’s 1.00am and I have bid my husband goodnight 3 bloody hours ago which is where I should be but no, no such sodding luck because at around 7pm with no warning at all, my unco-operative body decided to defy my wishes, pleading, nice, cozy, relaxed state of mind, and for a lovely surprise give me the middle finger and twist itself up like a pretzel. As a result of this joyous turn of events I have hobbled off to the freezer, trying not to fall over and rigorously stuffed ice into every place I can stuff ice without turning myself into a human icicle. As a result, my lovely relaxed evening has turned into me balled up, shivering, blue, alone and making noises like a disgruntled quivering moose. I have used up all the swear words in my arsenal and I am seriously thinking of limping off into the garden lying down and letting creatures of the night gnaw my bloody leg off.

If you ask anyone who knows me, I have a very high pain threshold. I am quite a placid person. I once had an experience where I had to have my wisdom tooth out and it was so twisted and embedded, my kind and gentle dentist had to pretty much put his own knee on my chest to get it out. Huffing and puffing to yank out the little blighter saying ever so helpful things like ‘ooh it’s really stuck in there isn’t it’ whilst my mum was crawling the walls desperately trying to escape the room, situation and possibly County, becoming the colour of an aubergine every time she looked in my direction. I endured this WITH NO ANESTHETIC! And I didn’t bite him which I would say was a win for him and a shock for me the nurse, the waiting room and my Mum. But I hold my hands up and admit, living with Fibromyalgia has changed this. On my worst days It is like having your nerves set on fire, whilst having a very enthusiastic bass player twanging you’re tendons and nerves to a lively melody. Demons turn you on a spit at the same time putting clothes pegs on every part of your flesh all day long. As well as the pain level, which is at worst searing and best annoying, Phyllis Fibro likes to test me by making me forget the word for socks, putting my keys in the fridge, slurring words like I have had 12 pints of beer and lost power of speech,facial functionality and equilibrium and not being able to lie down coz it feels like I am roasting alive every time my limbs touch any surface.

So trying to live, work and generally function with this absolute baffling, nite mare of a condition is testing to say the least. Anything that is a normal task for someone else, takes me the capacity and concentration of a bloody brain gymnast and scrabble champion to complete and complete it to a high level. It is also incredibly frustrating when you are having a nice normal conversation with someone and suddenly Phyllis decides to bounce about on the language centre in my brain like a bloody trampoline, so when I speak I sound like I have forgotten what a sentence structure is, thrown the odd word in the shredder and am instead forging ahead with my own Jess language wondering why people are backing away into a corner, with extreme alarm, worry and sympathy , explaining they have to go because their cat is on fire, Grandma has exploded and trying to hurriedly open their car using their lipstick instead of their key. Forgetting someone’s name, birthday, name of tv programme you just watched, film you just saw and developing the inability to identify every day objects - by garbling words together to describe something you need like “it’s .... oh you you know five fingers, woolly - hand - glove” is not a way to make friends and influence people.

My day to day routine becomes a sadistic game show where the alarm goes off the music starts and the host starts talking: ���She’s been such a good sport let’s see what she has won ... Well we had this 3 days ago and it’s back, yes it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s..... (drumroll) I step out of bed and hold my breath ‘imbalance’ (crowd cheers) ‘yes that’s right, this morning you have won trying to get downstairs without breaking your neck, walking like a drunk person and not falling face first into the basin/shower/toilet ... (more cheering and laughter) Join me later folks to see what else our wonderful contestant has won...’ Spoiler I never get the cuddly toy.

Because I have to work so hard to not sound, smell and look like a deranged aardvark... (some days it takes momentous strength to haul myself into the shower and not fall asleep under the faucet) I get very tired. Imagine not sleeping for 3 days and nights and then doing a normal day. For me this is my reality. I have always let my successes define me. My work defines me, my work ethic define me. It was absolutely imperative that I be the best daughter, friend, wife... The harder I worked and the better my results, the better person I was. The more worth I had. The problem with this really unhealthy way of being is, that it’s never enough and if I fall short of my own expectations which I do sometimes I see it as my condition beating me and me failing. I have touched on this on my other posts about my own view of myself but in short I do not deal with it well. So I push myself harder and harder until I become a big pile of goo. I realised this very recently when something I was not expecting happened. It was such a shock my body went into shock and Phyllis went mad. It was like she had drunk 47 cups of coffee, red bull, taken a lot of mind bending drugs, and caused absolute havoc. After my body imploded, and Phyllis had tore me apart then collapsed in a drug addled heap. I realised that i was hurting myself more than Phyllis is. I need to slow down. In trying to ignore my condition, plough on regardless and be ‘perfect’ I am missing out on all the joy and small moments I should be experiencing. I outwardly promote kindness and finding the joy in the small things, loving yourself and taking time for you and it’s a message I wholeheartedly live by. But I forgot to apply this to myself. I forgot to stop. To breathe, to not worry about being perfect, and I stopped thinking about what was important. My bubble, my husband, my friends, my family, my joys, my wellbeing. The simple and beautiful things that make my soul full and happy. In trying to fight back I became an enormous, green She hulk, digging my heels into the ground to hold back the onslaught of this illness and the Microscopic colitis I have already lost because that effort has already meant that I may win that fight but ultimately I will lose the war and that is not something I am willing to do.

So I know that I need to practice what I preach and hold my hands up and step back. It’s soooooo difficult. I can’t tell you because the need to be the best version of myself is ingrained in my being. But I guess being the best version of myself means I have to accept this new version of myself fibromyalgia, Microscopic Colitis and all. So I now vow to love myself in sickness and health and not push myself to breaking point and I guess as part of this new reality I will just have to accept that there will be days when my pain levels smash my current pain ometer and I will invent new swear words to express how I feel. But this is okay I guess, and as one of my favourite Singers Pink rightly says ‘Never ever feel like your less than, less than perfect ... you are worth it to me’.

[immigrantdoors]

The Lecture Crush

September 7th, 2018

Dear Diary

The second day of classes – fucking perfect. All I have is Calc 3 at 11 and then I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want. Hopefully, it has something to do with this semester’s lecture crush. God, he’s cute lol. He came in today wearing this pink shirt that had some Chinese characters and I think it was a ps4 logo? Idk he just sat down next to me and he had some aura about him. He asked if I wanted to keep each other posted on lecture stuff and added me on Facebook. Can’t find a lot of information on him but idk maybe he’s just secretive lol. Mysterious lecture crush Jay Singh.

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September 14th, 2018

Dear Diary

Wow, my heart’s still kind of racing. I’ll start from the beginning.

Ok, we’re really hitting it off. He’s actually really funny and sooo cute. So the prof has us discuss our answers to a question and he asks me how my weekend went. The flow was reallyyy good and idk what came over me but I really asked him out. Eeeeeep. So we’re meeting tomorrow at Starbucks and it’s kind of a date.

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September 15th, 2018

That sure was... something. I really got to know him a lot better outside of class. We were only there for about an hour or so but we chatted about a whole lot. I found out he really wanted a connection in the class to help him out because this is his second time taking the class, and he said I looked smart lol. That doesn’t make me feel shit about myself at all. He softened it by saying he likes talking to me though... I guess. He’s a CS major and he complained about his workload a lot, and he mentioned being stressed out cuz of job applications too. He said the stress has him trying out a bunch of drugs lately. I think he said something about morphine, which doesn’t sound too good. This would have all been pretty unattractive, and it was. But he’s just so damn cute lol.

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October 8th, 2018

Jay went really off the radar after the third date but he finally decided to come to class for the midterm. And he looked rough. Like straight up raccoon. He sat down and apologized if he seemed kind of out it and said he was on Adderall. And the Trenta Starbucks cup in his hand explained the jitteriness. 

After the midterm was over he told me he got an interview with Google, and it was coming up in a few days. He hadn’t been showing up to class because he was spending all his time preparing for it. The way he talked was really fucking weird today though. His stare was actually creepy. Something just seemed... off.

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October 19th, 2018

Guess I got ghosted lol. What else is new. Fuck Jay.