#eeeeEEEPP! I'm so unsure about this one

[8cetera]

Track #5: No More

(A string of short imagines based on Rafael Barba, inspired by the songs from Jonathan Larson’s Tick, Tick…Boom!) #1. 30/90  #2. Green Green Dress  #3. Johnny Can’t Decide  #4. Sunday  #5. No More #6. Therapy

The sunlight peered through the gaps in the blinds and landed directly upon his eye. He squinted in irritation and slumped his head on his pillow to face away from the sudden intruder, that being of nature.

He knew there was very little chance that he would be able to fall back to sleep but nevertheless, he tried. He reminded himself that he deserved an extra hour or two in bed.

The clutter of papers, Blue Diamond nuts containers and the growing pile of coffee stained mugs on his side table attested further to the fact. He inserted additional effort in relaxing his mind and began his process that, proven countless times in the past, has worked seamlessly.

He was on the twenty third sheep when he began to feel it working. The sounds of the kids playing basketball in the court nearby began to fade as his eyelids granted him exactly what he wanted.

Twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eigh—

“Rafi!”

This was just a dream.

He was simply having a dream that his mother was knocking excessively on his door at this very moment. He thought he was a sensible man. A smart one, even, and so when he thought the best course of action was to not move an inch and to keep his eyes shut tight in hopes that she made a mistake, he kept that thought.

However when the parent he loved to absolutely no end decided to come in anyway and plant herself at the foot of his bed, he felt his determination to fall back to sleep quickly falter.

“Rafi-” She shook the ankle of the foot that was hanging off the bed.

“Rafael.” He made a noise that might have resembled a combination a grunt and wail, and curled his legs underneath the blanket. He felt so childish, and felt even more so when he realized that his mother must be thinking the exact same thing.

“Rafael Barba you better get up right this minute or so help me God I will make sure you never do.”

Well that certainly did the trick.

The thought of sleep and sheep became a distant memory as he immediately sat up against his headboard, not missing the proud expression directed at him.

“What is it, Mamí?” He said in the middle of a yawn.

He rubbed his tired eyes with the palms of his hands and squinted as he waited for a response. When none came, he studied his mother in search for clues. When his line of sight landed on her hands, he thought his heart would separate itself from his body.

If humans miraculously had the capability to see snapshots of what people were thinking, all they would see from Rafael’s mind would be a symbol.

A symbol of a shield with crimson detail at the top and accompanied with the letters ve ri tas written across. Many things ran through his mind at any time of day, but this symbol was the one thing that has always remained constant. That is, for the last eight years of his life.

It just so happens that that symbol, the one that was engraved on the very core of his mind, was the same symbol on the top corner of the envelope that his mother was holding.

He could hear her calling out his name again, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her hands. For the first time in a long time, he felt fear. It was as if his entire life depended on the contents of that four by nine inch envelope.

Newsflash, Rafael thought to himself, it does.

He slowly reached for the envelope with both hands, trying to control the way his fingers were shaking. He saw his name and address printed on the center but that didn’t cease himself from questioning the reality he was in.

“Mamí, what if—” He stopped himself, senselessly worried that if he released it out to the universe, it would be tempted to make it so.

“Rafael—” His mother put her hand over his shaking one and squeezed, “whatever’s in there, whether it’s what you expected or—”

He could see that she, too, didn’t want to say the words. Like mother, like son.

“You will get past it. I know you will.”

She assured him, and while he still felt the nauseating sense of nervousness, he also felt comforted from his mothers words.

After a couple of deep breaths, he turned the envelope over and began to peel off the seal.

Rafael hated running.

Running, jogging, brisk walking—anything that required more effort than his average walking speed, he wasn’t a big fan of. One of the things that gave him joy about graduating high school was that he no longer had to attend gym, which of course involved running, and lots of it.

Yet here he was, running close to a mile now, with the biggest smile on his face with only one destination in mind. When he reached it, he bent to put his hands on his thighs, trying to catch his breath.

He pressed the buzzer and impatiently waited for a response. He sighed in relief as he heard the short static that indicated that there was someone on the other line.

“Yeah, who is it?”

“It’s me!” He only realized after, especially after a passerby gave him a concerned look, that he might have said it too loudly. He cleared his throat and proceeded with a softer tone.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

“Raf! Sure, I’ll be right down.”

He saw her come down the stairs through the glass on the door, and just when he thought his smile couldn’t be any wider, he proved himself wrong.

“Hey, you! I was actually just about to head over—”

He knew it was forward and relatively presumptuous, to unexpectedly pull someone into an embrace, even if the person his arms were around was a childhood friend.

“Raf—” She laughed nervously as she returned his hug but patted his back when his hold began to feel too tight for her to continue her sentence, “I can’t exactly breathe.”

“Oh sorry, I’m so sorry.” He immediately let her go, suddenly embarrassed at his behavior.

“It’s fine” she nudged him on the shoulder, “What’s up?”

He motioned for them to start their, as he tried to find the best way to share the news.

“Rafi, you’re never this quiet and I can’t believe I’m saying this but its actually starting to concern me so would you please spill—”

“I’m going to Harvard.”

He continued walking, but she didn’t, and so now his back was turned to her as they both tried to process the information. It was the first time he said it aloud, and while he made sure she didn’t see it, he couldn’t lie to himself by saying that his eyes didn’t begin to water.

“Rafael.”

He rubbed his face before turning around and laughed at the way her mouth was agape.

“Full scholarship.”

“Rafael!”

If it was indeed forward and presumptuous to hug ones childhood friend, he now realized, as his arms were once again wrapped tightly around her, that none of it mattered. What mattered was that

“I’m so happy for you.” She whispered.

“Thank you.” He responded, but not without craning his head ever so lightly that his nose traced the side of her neck.

The action didn’t go unnoticed between the two of them. She loosened her hold and looked away from his gaze, both silently agreeing that they continue their walk and not talk about it.

“You know what this means, don’t you?” She asked him playfully as they circled the playground for the third time.

“What?”

“You’re moving up, Barba. Before you know it you’re gonna’ call me to tell me you have your own washing machine. No more having to walk five blocks to Peters’ with thirty pounds worth of laundry to do in the middle of winter.”

He threw his head back in laughter, which she soon joined.

“No more broken heaters, or leaking ceilings”

“No more brushing your teeth in the kitchen sink because the pipes are always screwed up.”

“You’ll get a fancy apartment, one with a walk-in closet.”

“Wait, wait- a walk in closet? How much clothes do you think I'll have, exactly?”

She waved her hand in front of his face.

“Shh- shh- don’t spoil my vision.”

Laughter and good conversation made time go fairly quickly, and soon enough they stood in front of her apartment. He was a second away from bidding his goodbye when she spoke.

“I-I have news too.”

She looked at his curious face for a few moments and smiled, “Sri Lanka.”

He stared at her with a blank expression.

“What about it?”

“That’s where I’m going, Rafi. In three months. I’ll be volunteering with Global Vision in Sri Lanka.”

“Wha-what? Since when did you—? When did you—”

“I applied earlier this year. There were so many things to consider, I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure. Which I now do. Rafi… don’t look at me like that. This is a good thing.”

He sighed and felt bad about the look he didn’t mean to give her. He took both of her hands in his.

“Of course it is. Congratulations, I mean it. I was just surprised, that’s all.”

“Thank you. And I know it’s sudden but this feels right, Raf. For the first time in a while I feel like I’m making the right decision and I know there are risks about not knowing what happens after but I need to trust myself and, and—”

“Stop.” He rubbed her knuckles with his thumbs and made sure she was looking into his eyes. “It’s the right decision. If you think so, that means it is. Your gut has only led you to good things, so don’t start doubting it.”

She landed her head on his chest and made a noise that sounded very close to the one he made earlier when he had woken up.

“I’m scared, Raf.”

“Sure you are. But that isn’t a reason not to do this.”

She lifted her head and struggled to find the words to describe her gratitude.

“Besides if things don’t work out, you could always sleep in my walk-in closet.”

She shook her head, finding it very difficult to hide her amusement.

“I’m going to miss these walks.”

“Me, too.”

The uncomfortable silence returned, and Rafael was quick to acknowledge it.

“I better go. Mamí wants to head over and see abuelita to share the news.”

“Of course, of course. You’ll call me later?”

He nodded, and waited for her to head back up before he began his walk back.

No more, he found himself chanting quietly.

No more.