#educating my mom's worth it because she's still willing to support me even though she's frightened of what might change/is changing about m

[fanvoidkeith]

my (cis) mom, who knows three (3) trans people total, including me: so… what if someone… decides they're not trans anymore? and goes off hormones?

me, trying to make sure she understands: that's fine, it's their choice

mom: but what if they get health issues from… taking hormones?

me: that sucks, and it does happen. that is, unfortunately, a possibility

[doeeyyeed]

shadow work prompts that have left me crying (i felt good after though)

My responses:

- letter to a parent (hurts so good when you have mommy/daddy issues)

Dear mom, I thank you for having me even though it was a scary decision to make at the age of eighteen. I know you said that grandma was never around and when she was, she was high and abusive. I feel sad for your younger self, who struggled and felt so much pain. I wish I could've met who you were before I came. I see how this affected your parenting style, so I have grace and compassion. However, I'm struggling in my adulthood with behavioral patterns and nervous system regulation. I've developed social anxiety and struggle to feel safe and secure in romantic partnerships. I want to have grace and compassion for this part of me. Most importantly I want to heal from it and become a version of myself who can have a great love for myself and others. I see how my perfectionism comes from my childhood. I realize I've only received love and praise from you when I accomplished something that made you proud. But all the times I disappointed you, I was deeply criticized and I see how this has affected my self-esteem. I find myself fantasizing a lot about how things would've turned out differently if you weren't a young single mother. Maybe I wouldn't have been an obese adolescent and I wouldn't struggle with body dysmorphia today. What I learned recently from the shadow work I've been doing is that I am worthy and abundant without having to be perfect. This realization is something I have to constantly bring myself back to, remember, and embody it. I am grateful for the way I grew up because of the wisdom it bestowed upon me, however, wisdom is only practical if there is a level of integrity to go along with it. You raised me with the values of being an honest hardworking person and for that I am grateful. I see how I implement these practices into my daily life, now I just wish to feel relaxed and less anxious when I perform activities with the intent of these values you've taught me. I still feel like I'm hustling to make the fact that you had me feel worth it to you.

- letter to your younger self (bonus points for pre transition self if that applies to you)

Dear younger Alexandrea, there are 8 billion people in the world. Why do you expect that everyone will like you? Let go of your people-pleasing tendencies. You are so creative and full of imagination. It's okay to not have a buddy to follow through with your passions. I want you to stick with music and beg Mom to get you singing lessons. You are naturally gifted with movement. Don't waste your time with the mean girls in organized sports. You thrive in dance. I'm sorry you didn't have these opportunities that played to your strengths. I'm sorry you went to a school where people cared more about egos than learning. Education is the key to life. Study hard because it will pay off. Stop chasing people, and trying to be cool. You got mixed up in the wrong crowd, going to parties in middle school where you've been taken advantage of by loser dudes. I'm deeply sorry this happened to you. you didnt know any better at the time. I wish your parents made home feel safer for you, so you didn't always want to run off, smoke weed, and hang out with anyone who was willing. I wish you knew your worth. I'm sorry that home didn't support your emotional needs. Learn how to validate yourself and regulate your own emotions. You didn't deserve emotionally immature parents who took their emotional baggage out on you. But I bet things wouldn't have felt so scary if you knew that everything turned out to be okay.

- letter to your childhood pet/pets

Dear Benjamin Franklin, you were my first pet dog. You were only a puppy when you died. I had only got to love you for three months before that fatal day. Your death has impacted the relationship I have with dogs today. Dogs aren't something I allow myself to feel emotionally attached to. I keep my emotional distance and view them as "just a dog." This saddens me that I'm not allowed to feel a spiritual connection with dogs like I once did with you. I started seeing dogs as sad creatures who are helpless and at the mercy of their owners. They want so much attention, quality time, and love that it makes me feel uneasy and guilty that I'm unable to provide that for them. I just ignore them and carry on with my day. I wish when I saw a dog it made me happy like how you once made me.

- letter to your childhood best friend

Dear Wendy, you're the only childhood friend of mine that I still hold so close and dear to my heart. However, it saddens me to think that this feeling isn't mutual. I see you show so much love for others that we grew up with. This makes me feel like I'm just a suppressed memory to you. I wish I knew why you keep me at a distance today. I'm sorry I sucked, that I got distracted with boys, that my behavior tended to be uncomfortable for you, costing me to lose my wholesome friendship with you. This has to be one of my biggest regrets. In my eyes, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. It hurts me that we aren't close anymore.

- listing out your insecurities and then complimenting said insecurities

I am extremely insecure about my small asymmetrical breast. I am grateful that my breasts are healthy. I am insecure about how far my nose sticks out from my face, however, I am grateful to think about how people pay to have a bridge like my nose. I am insecure about how much fat I store in my lower body like in my thighs and waist. I am grateful I have a lot of muscle and am toned still in those areas. I am insecure about my thin lips making my face feel less pleasing to the eye, but I am grateful for my beautiful smile. I am insecure about my thin hair, but I am grateful I have a lot of it and that it is always so soft and shiny.

- listing everything you’re grateful for,, even if it’s just a few things

I am grateful for the abundance that fills all areas of my life. I am grateful for my heart, body, mind, and soul. I am grateful for the gentle reminders of how I am connected to the universe. I am grateful that I am the master of my thoughts and I choose my perceived reality. I am grateful to love and be loved.

- letter to your ancestors or just all ancestors in general (i like doing it for all ancestors that way no one feels left out)

Dear ancestors, I year to know you. A huge desire of mine is to learn about my ancestry. I want to know where my physical features and genes originated. I want to know you and build a relationship with that knowledge by adjusting my lifestyle. Like what if y'all had only access to goats instead of cows. I would switch to eating goat yogurt instead of cow's so I can better support my genetic process. something like that.

[writingandmore]

Hi!!! May I get a HP, Star Wars, Voltron, and Disney matchup?

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦 + 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘

19, Libra, Neutral Good, enneagram is 4w5, muggleborn Ravenclaw (with Gryffindor tendencies), and my patronus spirit is Hummingbird. Biromantic Pansexual Genderfluid woman using pronouns of She/Her or He/Him. Cherubic-like face, with short height (5'1") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has chic messy/wavy brunette medium hair that reaches to my shoulder, oriental skin, slightly upturned eyes, small lashes, chocolate brown irises, cute flat nose, heart shaped face, full cheeks, cupid's bow lips, a small beauty mark on the forehead, and naturally straight teeth with tiny gap in front (just imagine that it's a mixture of Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲---cause' my friend told me that I kinda look like them). My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam, I sometimes let my hair down or styled like Lara Croft reboot.

𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

Distant, quiet, and timid at first making people thought I'm a demure, modest, and self-effacing that looks "immaculate" or "one of a kind" (due to my protective mom, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, dunno how to initiate a conversation, but a total opposite if I open up---friendly, ambivert, witty, laughing loudly on a daily basis---like my happiness is too shallow, super talkative, eats a lot (yeah I can finish a huge slice of cake or a meal in one sitting), awkward, daydreamer (I got embarrassed from knocking at the door even I'm inside the classroom 😂), EXTREMELY CLUMSY (mostly gets bruises from hitting, bumping my head somewhere, walking into something on my way, and being careless to my belongings), secretly likes affection, easily overwhelmed, prone to melt over wholesomeness, flusters on compliments, lightly blushes on cheesy banters, eager to share what I know (especially about Catholic Church---my past teacher joked that I'll become a saint because of it 🤣), oftenly speaks full of sarcasm with a lowkey crackhead energy citing meme references, and talented girl who can be your no.1 supporter and unashamed to be true to myself but can be awkward to strangers. In terms of leadership, I only educate and guide than being a prefect (I might take the role seriously), will lift my group when there's lacking/incompleteness. About doing projects in school, I become too extra and prepared for efforts, but I'll forget the process in the end.

The extent, I'm expressive, warm-hearted, willig to help, kind, intelligent, supportive, nice, creative, enthusiastic, laid-back, determined, tough, competitive, and feisty outside, but a real softie that can be childish and dramatic that cries so easily (but will enlightened real quick by smallest things that makes me smile) filled with doubts, frustrations, and insecurities with fear of failure that pushes off the limits to to please everyone because they might get dissappointed from expectations---I simply can't stop proving myself too much because I'm a survivor of bullying. But I still managed to be stronger than ever after I stumbled, even it's a slow burn process. I can be blunt, intimidating, harsh, and a douchebag if I receive ends or I got interrupted while doing something. Immature, headstrong, perfectionist, demanding, hesitant, jumpy, forgetful, overthinker, quick-tempered, sensitive, and anxious (no joke, my nervousness makes me think worse scenario will arrive). Though can be procrastinator and arrogant, I raised as a religious 𝖺𝗇𝖽 diplomatic youth, willing to fight what I believe (including my dreams and what's important to me) and what is right. In addition, I have a habit of staying up late and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness.

Rowdy and feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will call out on people that we loathe, will make fun of your stupidity (in a good way) before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic and cheeky (makes banter with sarcasms or pick up lines as an endearment, but gets annoyed if I received sappy or offensive one), Still generous and concerned person in a subtle and different way.

𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗕𝗜𝗘𝗦

My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. I'll include making corniest jokes/puns, sleeping, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD). I also used to learn Italian language a bit.

𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Loves kittens, milk tea, singing at the karaoke, cartoons, iced coffee, memes, cute things, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, poetry, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and creative writing, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes Catholic songs, kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well.

𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘𝗦

Things that I hate are stereotyping, HUGE creepy crawlies (spiders, toads, snakes, and cockroaches), firecracker sounds, thunder and lightning, being left out, loneliness, heart break, blackout, and judgemental people. If I found out that someone hates or backstabbing or being rude to me, I won't hesitate to throw offensive criticisms, leaving them with a "I don't give a f" attitude. One random fact about me is, I 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 vent out EVERYTHING I despise in my entire existence---from bad soap operas to toxicity, worse scenarios in real life, and how terrible is my love life from unrequited feelings that I got, because it's a big deal for me, and I consider forcing me to do what I'm not into and manipulating me as my major pet peeves.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗚𝗘𝗥𝗦

In terms of triggers...I only have two which are ta𝖨king about divorce/annullment/separation because I came from a generational broken family (it sucks that some people I knew assumed that the reason why I'm overly unaware that someone is interested in me in secret, is I have "high standards" looking for a partner, but the truth is I'm strict and I have a personal preferences...I know my worth and I don't want settle for less!) and religion/beliefs discrimination, cause' there are reasonings that doesn't makes sense because some, sounds too hypocritical, like as if you're a morally good person.

𝗥𝗢𝗠𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 + 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗟𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗨𝗔𝗚𝗘𝗦

My love languages are quality time and gift giving, but I actually swoon over physical touch (especially cuddles and cute kisses) and words of affirmation when it comes to having a partner, though I get attracted so easily, matured but can be a goofy person who's nice, friendly, kind-hearted, loving, faithful, and excels in academics is my cup of tea. Whenever I have a real life crush (which is rare), I act the same but deep inside, my heart is about to explode and will eventually share to my trustful friends how I highly admire that person, however if they spilled the beans out, I'll obviously deny it and will cry if they like someone else, it will take some time for me to move on, now I don't care for them anymore.

Best Friends to Lovers is my ideal trope because I find it very cute since you already knew each other before dating (which happened to my 2nd cousin, she married her best friend!)---perfect balance for romance, laughters, comfort, and tears when it comes to sharing your vibes, being there through thick and thin, safe with embraces, and helping each other to grow.

𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗩𝗜𝗔𝗦

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, oratorical skills and I have potential in hosting...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, speaker, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader).

May sounds different but I'm passionate for helping people through my talents and sharing my story to inspire everyone. I may look selfish, but I have a different way on how I show that I actually care also I have a biased sentimental value

Currently a college freshman, learning how to cook. I have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

HP: Remus!

- Remus is also quiet and a bit reserved when he's not in a familiar situation, so your own first impression on him would be a good one, as you'd seem similar to his own personality. He's sweet and is able to start up a conversation if he notices the other person is having a hard time doing so, so hopefully he'd be able to bring out your more extroverted and friendly self after a while so he can be around the more open you. He wouldn't mind you being a bit awkward-he's very much the same way-honestly, the comradery that would come from that would be more positive than anything else. He loves sharing knowledge and learning about new things, so your eagerness to talk about what you know would work really well also! He does a lot better when he knows someone has his back too, so your extra supportive nature would endear him to you as well.

SW: Han!

- Your nicer and more helpful personality would balance out Han's more standoffish vibes when first meeting. You might get on his nerves a bit first, but you'd quickly grown on him and, in turn, make him a bit of a better person. Your ability to be blunt and a bit harsh would serve you well if you ever needed to stand your ground on an issue that two of you have, as he can be quite stubborn.

VLD: Lance!

- Lance can be a bit immature from time to time as well, especially when it comes to trying to be funny or cheering up those around him-he's also headstrong and typically firm in what he wants to do, so your own determined personality would attract him to you a lot as well. He often puts off things he needs to do if they make him anxious too, but if you both recognize that you share that problem, helping each other might be a good solution!

Disney: Flynn!

- Flynn is quite a sarcastic and teasing person, so your own humor would match well with his. He's also quite a hopeless romantic as well, even though he's certainly not one to admit that right off the bat. He enjoys singing, and as he gets closer to someone he feels more comfortable doing so in front of them, so a partner he's been with for a long time would get to see him be more and more open with it. That also applies to activities like dancing.

[sidneyeldtam]

Introduction (Class of Lies)

Where did I head from here?

Where could I’ll be heading from now, after all this that I would have to go through.

If I’ve made a fair and right decision back then when I was in my youthful adulthood to follow and head on towards my dreams, I would not even have to endure forcefully all of the trauma and also all of the lies I’ve to go through for making such a terrible choice against my own will.

It is my mother’s choice for me to be in this pretty ruthless industry, and out of her naïve thinking that by so, the very industry that enabled the very worse out of authority, and the very one that had truly muted the ability of the children to be their own people of their kind and the very one that had truly support such deeds of ableism. Honestly, there is a reason on why I would not therefore wished to stray off from this wishful dreams that my mother would want me to pursue, I was bullied and I was clearly a victim of this very system even from the start, let off my disability in my childhood that I could not even read or write or socialize with anyone, plus alone not being able to count properly was the very reason why I did not wish to pursue even further into being an educator.

“Why can’t you be like other kids you bloody fool! Everyone in the family and your friends are doing the best in their lives, but not even you!”

This are the very words that my mother will always use to bring my esteem down, perhaps as I’ve wondered, was it ever because that I was not even that able or was it because she had lost everything that she could had own, my long distance father, the superficial ‘friendships’ or even so all of the things that an Asian family would consider it as an epitome of success and wealth. Many of my peers would consider me as a strong willed person, probably because I did not even show an emotion or shed a tear when I was bullied or if things did not plan out as how it could, but deep down I am always shedding tears of sorrow for all I’ve been through. In other wise, my comfort road to escapism is by writing, probably by being a journalist so that I can see the best of the world which I couldn't due to our limited levels of financial funds in the house as my mother could only earn that little by being a self employed learning support consultant, but because of the risks she thought she knew from others, she was skeptical about that very dream that I’ve hold closely to having.

“If you are darn good, you could have already made it.” my mom kept on sniping every time I’ve always reason about my dream, often due to my failed accolades that has disabled me from succeeding from my dream.Otherwise from being that of a journalist, I was a very person that had far more as several dreams; screenwriter, film director; producer or even so as an concept artist because of my love for doodling and sketching, however none would had even impressed my mother as she is the kind who would want to see credits to prove if I was worth in such industry that I’ve wanted. Still I went to a local art school and had succeeded, but it is far not enough as she wished to had far more evidence of success in the relevance in the field that I’ve desired. By getting all cherry top scores in my grades, being involved in competitions that I could not even win, or even having the best grade in my final year work, such matters is not important to my mom as she still schemes for me to do what she wishes.

Until the flawed internship that I’ve done in a local publishing and media firm, though it gave me good money.My mother took that as an excuse to sabotage my dreams and my aspirations and thus I’ve ended up giving up the vision that I’ve could had envisioned out of her own benefits .Never mind about the same cherry top grades that I’ve still had in the teaching school as it does not compares with some of the ruins and despair that I’ll have to face ,not getting paid or being given less wages or witnessing the same narrative that triggers my past memories that I’ve truly wished to run away and denying it from, let alone all of the cruelty and the lies that I would had to encounter with all of my colleagues shady dealings and their soft core moral skills. Though my protective passion for the children’s best interest is there, let alone my desires to bring this industry to its reckoning for all of the issues that I had endured, let alone some of my good university course mates and friends who left because of their strong sense of integrity, I felt that day and day ,plus year by year, after being in this very ironic profession that supports truth and integrity, I felt that I was therefore becoming much more demoralized that I did not wished so. 

So this is the worse part of my immediate demoralization that had lead me to a far breaking point. Very fast forward to 2020, and a sudden ounce of darkness had happened. Pandemic wise or not, I found it very heartbreaking to write about it as I could not imagine myself being taken advantage off, let alone being most of myself being ripped off of bytes far worse than my own sanity and virginity, all from someone whom I’ve thought as a mentor and a friend, a working colleague who started off as an advocate to my work ethic, my craft and also my own as myself. In all terms, he had muted all of me to the point that I could not speak for myself till today.

But by now, this silence is defeated and his play is over. I would therefore lash out my story to start my endgame with this very perpertrator who had viciously done this towards me. Whether or not he had done this towards others far before me, I will narrate everything as this story goes.

Also my name is Aleesa, Aleesa Chung Jia Lim, aged 27 and born and raised as a full scale breed of Selayang, which is part of a border between Selangor and Kuala Lumpur and the better scale of the KIang Valley. The name Aleesa was therefore given by my mother since birth and it means a warrior to all. 

So when you get a chance to read this tale, please sit down and take your time to read, and if you do ever know this story by either perspective, forget every bias stances that you’ve ever know, and see things in both perspective as this is the stance of the bigger picture.

In other words, this is the truth to this story and the point of a human reckoning.

[noddytheornithopod]

5 for the ask meme?

(From here)

5 - Favorite Episode(s)? Hmm, this is interesting. I have a few that come to mind as favourites for various reasons. I love so many of them, but here’s what I consider major standouts.

Alone Together: This is just such a sweet episode, not really much else to say on it. I’m major Connverse trash. :V

Open Book: I really admire this episode because it has a message that is only growing MORE relevant with time. People are defining their relationships too much by what they do and don’t like in regards to specific media (a major feeling I have right now because of Phineas and Ferb and Milo Murphy’s Law and the increasingly mixed reaction of their crossover lol). If your friendship really matters, you will know it’s okay to have different opinions on a book, movie, show, etc. I mean, it even feels like the Steven Universe fandom forgets this so much, I can tell you I’ve made my share of mistakes with this.

Sworn to the Sword: This is the episode that made me realise what the show could truly be capable of. It’s just so dark and sinister, and I really appreciate how the show isn’t afraid to use its own core characters like Pearl as episode antagonists. Of course, as you’ll see in a bit, this episode is now even darker. :V But I mean, in the end it’s about Steven and Connie’s relationship and how close they’ve become, and also really brought to my attention the idea of how self sacrifice can be detrimental. It’s just so good. I see some people take issue with the end and while I can see why, I’m still fine with it personally. It’s also just so well done from a technical standpoint too, like seriously Do it for Her has to be one of my favourite examples of lyrical dissonance I’ve ever seen, and the visual storytelling is brilliant.

Log Date 7 15 2: Look, I NEEDED a Peridot episode on this list, okay? XD I adore her, and this episode is so funny and great. It also helps add to Peridot’s character to the point it made me wish I got to see this before It Could’ve Been Great. XD It’s also cool because it really shows how much Steven can sometimes miss and as a result us because we’re limited to his perspective.

Mr Greg: Nuff said. Okay but seriously, Steven Universe musical episode? Yes please. Steven Universe musical episode that has major development for Greg and Pearl? Even bigger yes please. Honestly, you can really tell they went all out here, and the level of effort and passion really shows. It’s Over, Isn’t It is of course the big standout song, but they’re all enjoyable, and I really like Both of You both as a song and as the episode’s climax.

Mindful Education: Yeah, another really adored one. When I was first watching it, I have to admit I wasn’t quite sure where it was going. Steven Universe’s slower pace than most cartoons does that sometimes. XD But then the final act came, and it all clicked for me. Steven is really starting to struggle now and question who Rose Quartz really is, and it’s getting to him a lot. It’s also another great episode showing just how supportive Steven and Connie are of each other, seriously I adore them. Also, Here Comes a Thought is one of the best songs if not THE best song in the show hands down, it’s such a powerful piece of music and listening to it really is able to help with things like anxiety and stuff (and I mean as someone with OCD and also being an Autistic person prone to intense emotions, it really is something that helps).

Onion Gang: What?????? Some random townie episode??? Boring filler, get out!!!!!! Okay to be serious, this is actually my favourite of the Beach City citizen based episodes. I always was hoping for an episode that really helped to make Onion sympathetic because to me he’s VERY Autistic coded (in a different way to characters like Pearl and Peridot that is) and as a result a lot of the stuff people say about him rubs me the wrong way. This episode was just really touching, we got to see more of Onion than we ever had seen before and it helps make him more sympathetic to those who aren’t a fan of him. Also seriously, the part where he cries at the end because he’s now alone again always hits me hard.

I Am My Mom: Oh gosh, this episode. It might even be THE favourite depending on my mood. The previous episodes built up the threat of Aquamarine and Topaz really well and they really did have quite a scary presence. But this episode, damn. It just really hits so hard. It’s already beginning at a low point, but it just gets even harder. Just as when Steven seemed to think he might begin to heal over his issues, Aquamarine shows up with Topaz and they completely botch everything. Topaz is great as someone intimidating and will ultimately remain loyal to her duty even if we discover she’s secretly really struggling and sympathetic, but I love Aquamarine BECAUSE she’s such a little shit. I mean, I even get the impression she’s not even fully into her job and just wants what comes out of it for her. Steven’s guilt gets to the better of him to the point where he basically just gives up and sacrifices himself, quite possibly the lowest point for him so far. It’s a DEVASTATING scene, especially seeing how everyone is reacting. Connie’s scream at the end completely breaks my heart because now she risks being alone again, it’s so sad. The next two arcs are really great because this episode is such a wham. Speaking of which…

The Wanted arc: It’s probably just because it’s fresher in my memory, but I love it all so much. Not only do we get major character growth for Lars (and he fucking dies… ouch), but we also have it made clear to us the known story about Pink Diamond doesn’t make sense. I am a little let down by Lars’ Head, which while still a good episode I did feel maybe wrapped things up a little too neatly since Steven had such a means to get home. I guess maybe I just feel they needed another revived being to help establish it more so that it felt less of a surprise and less convenient? Still though, the next arc makes it clear it’s not all so easy.

The Season 5 Connie/Steven arc: Another instance where every episode hits so brilliantly. For me the second half of the episodes are definitely the overall stronger ones, but seeing this fallout made sense even if it was still devastating. I guess it’s why I like Aquamarine so much: she was able to fuck so much up compared to previous antagonists. But yeah, not only is the Steven and Connie stuff really emotional and touching in the end, but I also love the Peridot stuff too. I was happy to see that they addressed the issues in her relationship with Lapis (something I think was discussed further on the SU podcast), but you still so bad for her. It also relit my interest in Amedot, Amethyst was just so caring even if she was rough at times. Also I really liked Sadie Killer, purely because it satisfied the anti-capitalist side of me (Working Dead is a pretty cool song too). Also… they even added depth to Kevin. FUCKING KEVIN. It was also amazing to see that Steven actually resorted to working with him to try and patch things up with Connie, but even that didn’t go as planned.

A Single Pale Rose: So not only did we get a creative way to learn more about, Pearl, we also get the biggest twist of the show so far. Like seriously, Rose being Pink Diamond is the best kind of twist. Not only was it heavily foreshadowed in the series and could be picked up by anyone willing to put the pieces together (I was a big fan of the theory myself because I felt it would fit into Rose’s character really well), but it’s also something that completely changes everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Everything is now so much more darker and complicated, and Rose is now only even more interesting as a character. And the best part is: apparently there’s even more we have to learn about Pink Diamond that will inform why Rose is such a complicated and tragic being.

Made of Honor: It’s fresh in my memory, but even so I still think this episode is worth mentioning. This Garnet arc is great, and Ruby and Sapphire marrrying is so sweet and satisfying and of course I mention this here because the wedding planning is a lot of fun, but I also loved how Bismuth was handled in this episode. Even if she only had one episode before this, she was still such a fully realised character, and I don’t blame people for feeling so passionate about her. Seeing her come to terms with everything was just really interesting to see.

[troglobite]

i’m still struggling with the fact that my mom, who has repeatedly, REPEATEDLY, told me that she wanted to support me through college and whatever i needed bc she didn’t get that when she was my age

got mad at me

for not working as hard as her

bc

she’s been working since she was 16

and despite the fact that i am disabled and she is not

and despite the fact that she literally deliberately made it so that i would be okay and supported

she got mad at me

for not taking on extra work

in the middle of a burnout

where i’m struggling to even do daily tasks and get my own job done

which is--THROUGH NO DESIRE/FAULT OF MY OWN--15 hours/week during hours i DO NOT WANT TO WORK

and fucking almost pulled the bullshit of

“if i had to struggle then so do you”

like she almost sounded like those shitheads who are like “well i had to pay MY student loans, so everyone else should!” or “well i had to suffer homophobic and transphobic violence, so should they!” or “well i had to learn everything the hard way, why do they get it so easy?!”

like fuck you

it’s easy because YOU MADE IT EASY FOR ME

and surprise! i’m FUCKING DISABLED

SO IT’S ALSO JUST NOT AS EASY FOR ME, PERIOD

also also????

I’VE LIVED THROUGH WORSENING CLIMATE CHANGE, 9/11 AND THE POST-9/11 ERA, SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON OUR LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE, QUEERPHOBIC AND TRANSPHOBIC BULLYING, NAVIGATING LIFE AS AN AUTISTIC MIXED RACE KID, ONGOING WARS, A WORSENING ECONOMIC COLLAPSE, LITERALLY NO FUCKING PROSPECTS FOR MY FUTURE BECAUSE OF THIS, AND NOW A PANDEMIC

WHEN I WAS AT THE HEIGHT OF MY EDUCATIONAL CAREER AND MY ASPIRATIONS

A FUCKING PANDEMIC HIT

AND STOPPED LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN ITS TRACKS

i WANT to be teaching right now! I FUCKING CAN’T

and if i were to work in person ANYWHERE, guess what, mom? I’D BRING COVID HOME TO YOU AND WE’D BOTH DIE.

I’M NOT WILLING TO FUCKING RISK THAT.

i TRIED working for an evil corporation, and i wasn’t getting paid NEARLY enough to do work that was causing me so much anxiety i was losing sleep and feeling sick

AND they kept asking me to SACRIFICE HOURS so i was barely working there at all, anyway!

and their system meant that i was in no way shape or form even HELPING students!

i TRIED to get a job as a freelance editor! i was rejected! AFTER WAITING SIX FUCKING MONTHS TO HEAR BACK

“no experience required, we’ll train you!”

great! //six months later

“your application wasn’t up to our standards”

huh well fuck you

I ALMOST GOT A POSITION AS A PRECEPTOR FOR A COLLEGE COURSE THAT I REALLY WANTED!

i was going to be selected! i got an interview! i did it! 

AND THEN THE SCHOOL WOULDN’T LET THEM HIRE SOMEONE OUT OF STATE SO I GOT PASSED OVER

and we live in FUCKING AMERICA so WHO THE FUCK IS HIRING ANYONE WHO IS GOING TO START OFF BY WORKING FROM HOME?!

and then on top of that, everything is SO CATASTROPHICALLY SHITTY, that i’m just in permanent autistic burnout

i LITERALLY SENT HER A CHECKLIST OF BURNOUT SYMPTOMS

and she went “yeah that sounds like you right now :(”

BUT FUCK ALL THAT I GUESS?!

BECAUSE MY ONLY WORTH COMES FROM WHAT WORK I CAN DO

EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING I AM AND EVERYTHING I DO AND EVERYTHING I TRY AND HOW I AM SUPPORTED

IS BECAUSE SHE CHOSE TO DO THIS FOR ME

IF YOU’RE GOING TO RESENT ME FOR EXISTING IN A WAY THAT YOU SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR AND FACILITATED THEN I SHOULD JUST BE DEAD

[ptsfreed]

Starting over

TW: mental abuse, physical abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting

For years, I’ve kept a journal or blog.  I started when I was 5 when my mom bought me my first journal (it even had a lock and key).  As I got older, I transitioned to blogs.  I tried them all, Xanga, Tumblr, Blogspot.  Writing has always been cathartic for me, a way to process and heal.  I had gradually fallen out of the habit but I know that it’s time to start up again.  Last week, I actually made a booming return to paper/pencil journaling, but let’s get real--my hand hurts.  Typing is just so much faster.  Blogging it is.

I suppose I should start out with outlining my goals for what I’m planning to achieve with my return to writing.  I want to give myself the opportunity to slow down, process my emotions and experiences, and heal.  I like having the ability to have something physical to look back on, sort of like a barometer for intangible growth.  It’s hard to measure social-emotional learning otherwise.  

Here’s what I’m currently dealing with.  I’m 31, married, with two children.  I’m a full-time work-from-home-parent.  I am a moderate/severe special ed teacher for a virtual charter school.  My husband also works from home full-time in the entertainment industry, so it’s just us versus the kids all day.  My little ones are 3 and the other is just shy of one.  My husband and I became first-time homeowners right in the midst of the pandemic.  Then he was laid off.  For seven months.  We’re both educated with experience in our field.  Overnight, we went from a six-figure household to becoming eligible for food stamps.  This year, I marveled at how easily a job loss in a two-income household could turn that very same household eligible for welfare.

Depression ran high.  The booze flowed.  My PTSD symptoms went untreated as available therapy appointments became more scarce with the entire world enduring a collective trauma together. I watched my strong husband crumble.  I saw him cry and doubt himself for the first time ever.  I watched as a dark cloud seemed to envelop our household, ridden with fear for the future, uncertainty for the present.  We became expert budgeters.  We ate all the leftovers.  We helped each other to thrive with the most limited social interaction in our lives.  With the welcoming of our son, we compromised our social-distancing for family’s sake, with the promise that everyone in our pod would commit to limiting our social diets to strictly one-another.  It was hard...we love our families, but we dearly missed our friends.  Living two hours away from family in the first place, our local friends quickly became family.  But we adjusted.  Loneliness was preferable to falling ill to Covid--or worse, dying.  

At some point during the pandemic, my mom moved in with us after leaving her abusive 30-year relationship with my father.  Except, she never really left.  She maintained contact with him.  I knew it would be difficult for her.  I expected the separation to be hard, painful, and drawn-out.  What I didn’t expect was how severely living with my mom again after seven years would impact my mental health.  I could feel my anxiety levels rising.  My resentment steadily followed.  I didn’t want things to feel this way.  I was battling toddlerhood with a strong-willed, fiery, emotional kid with a penchant for hitting and also adjusting to life as a full-time working mom of two.  I felt the emotional toll of being there for everyone, compassion fatigue, though I hated to say it.  I felt like as a doting mother, good wife, caring teacher, and compassionate daughter I needed to do it.  But the toll it was taking on my body and mental health was unmistakable.  I cried, sometimes for no reason at all.  I snapped, I felt angry at small things.  My house looked like a tornado ran through it at all times.  Finding motivation to do things was like pulling teeth.  I gained weight, I hit the bottle almost nightly, though I typically limited myself to two drinks.  I told myself I deserved it.  Lots of people share a bottle every night with their significant other.  It’s not like it was impacting my ability to perform my job or care for my children.  Deep down, I still didn’t like it.  It felt like the only way to escape from the hell of quarantine and being broke.  I just wanted to see people.  Spend without immediately regretting it.  Yet here we were.

The year has been a challenge.  Ridden with strong toddler emotions and learning to navigate parenthood while actively trying to break the cycle of spanking and yelling to discipline.  I don’t always succeed and I hate myself each time I snap.  I run to my daughter, apologize and tell her that I was feeling overwhelmed, but that wasn’t okay.  It’s never okay to spank a bottom or yell because you want compliance.  If I can’t always be the perfect parent, then I can at least be one that is apologetic and not too proud to say sorry.  I want to teach accountability and remorse for one’s own actions.  At the very least, I can instill that.  That’s the silver lining of losing your cool, I guess.  But with these apologies and accepting accountability, it’s important that I also couple these sentiments with change.  It’s important that I do this in all aspects of my life, which is what I hope to achieve with writing.  I need to hold myself accountable and be able to look back at change.  I can do this.  I have done so much.  I have survived the pandemic.  I have created a family.  I have finished a bachelor’s and a master’s degree with little financial support.  I have paid my way out of debts.  I can do this.

1.  First and foremost, the reason I started writing again in the first place, I am done with binge drinking.  I feel pangs of doubt as I write this, afraid of my own capacity for caving to cravings and peer pressure.  As I experience those pangs, I can hear a silent voice in the back of my head telling me to push forward and cast that doubt aside.  I know I can do this.  Enough is enough.  My relationship with alcohol has never been healthy.  I began my drinking career in college surrounded by friends that made me feel home.  Drinking was fun, cool, part of the experience.  Pre-gaming was encourage and expected.  If pre-gaming meant you got drunk before the party, then the goal of the party was to get even more smashed.  I carried these habits into adulthood and still carry them with me today.  My last binge was Sunday and I’m not going to torment myself by recanting how bad it was yet again.  My goal isn’t to stop drinking entirely, just to have a healthier relationship with alcohol altogether.  Binging isn’t healthy.  The person I become when I drink isn’t healthy.  I can control this.  I can do this.

2.  I want to continue my journey into healthier eating and fitness habits.  As of today, this is the longest time I’ve ever seriously stuck with a weight loss goal.  I’ve lost 6 pounds since I began with mostly just-dieting.  The fitness part has been difficult to make time for, but I’m working on it.  I know that this goal is closely tied to goal #1.  If I can get in control of my diet, I can get in control of my drinking.  I am in charge.  I can take ownership of my health.  I can do this.

3.  I want to continue learning about my PTSD, my symptoms and how they have and continue to impact my life.  I want to continue learning about establishing healthy boundaries with people I love, my mom included, unfortunately.  I want to continue learning about narcissistic abuse, substance abuse, and how these factors have contributed to who I am as well as my entire family dynamic.  Growing up hispanic, it has been incredibly difficult to establish boundaries without being labeled as “too good”, “hateful” and “too angry”.  I have been told countless times by my own mother that I’m too angry and upset at my father who physically and mentally abused me and my entire family for as long as I can remember.  My dad has cheated on my mom and rejected me for over two decades.  I am sick and tired of being told to forgive my abuser because my boundaries make others feel uncomfortable.  What has been especially hard after actively working on myself for 3+ years is having my own family tell me that perhaps therapy isn’t suiting me because it’s made me “too angry” and that I’ve “lost my lust for life”.  They want to assume that my general sense of frustration is attributed to not talking to my dad, when in reality, freeing myself from that relationship has afforded me more peace than I ever could have fathomed.  Sure, there are difficult moments, but every time I think that maybe that relationship may be worth pursuing again, I am reminded of why I have established such rock-solid boundaries in the first place.  According to others though, this makes me too hateful.  Too angry.  “You’ve punished him enough”, they say.  As if this was ever about punishment and not about protecting myself and my children from narcissistic abuse in the first place.  They say this and accuse this anger of pouring into other aspects of my life, without ever once asking what’s really going on inside.  Not once has anybody asked how parenthood is going.  How I’m coping with the pandemic and the renewed sense of cautious freedom now that I am fully vaccinated and my husband is halfway vaccinated.  Not once has anybody thought to consider that maybe I’m not super woman, that I’m just human and that I too have moments of vulnerability that I irresponsibly cope with by binge drinking.  Instead, everybody says that the best course of action is to essentially “get over” my resentment and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder brought on by the decades-long abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father.  The same hands that banged my head against a wall, beat me within an inch of my life, and then sent me to work at a cosmetics counter without a stitch of makeup and completely battered and bruised.  According to the armchair therapists in my life, it’s my job to let go of these feelings and now trust this same meth-addicted man with my children.  I need to trust in his capacity for change and honesty after 20+ years of lying and gaslighting.  I don’t want my boundaries to cost me the most important relationships in my life.  But at this point, I can’t do it anymore.  I am exhausted with explaining myself, for demanding respect and begging to have my story heard and considered.  My mom will continue to choose my dad over me.  She feels compelled to be his friend and the peacekeeper, still, even after attending therapy and working on herself.  I know that my dad is at the center of this, stirring the pot and causing a rift in my relationship with my mother because having me out of the picture will bring the two of them closer.  “See, she turned her back on you too”, I can hear him saying.  This is the loneliest I have ever felt in my life.  I have been told that by my parents my entire life that I am essentially dispensable.  “I don’t fucking need you”, my dad would say.  My mom would “intervene” by asking me what I did to make him so upset, and perhaps I should just “find somewhere else to live” if this was how I was going to act.  I hate feeling this way.  It hasn’t gotten easier as a 31 year old woman, but I can say that I am now able to see the situation much more objectively and with clarity.  This is why it’s important to keep attending therapy, working on my drinking, practicing mindfulness, and living my life with intention.  Wellness really does come full circle.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

[realtransfacts]

So I'm been identifying myself as trans for a couple years now and I'm thinking about coming out to my mom, but I know my mom is very against me being a boy, She doesn't get the idea of having genders in between cis male and cis female. How can I know she's going to accept me and be okay with me being transgender?

Well, for starters, trans boy is not a gender between cis male and cis female. Trans guys are guys. They’re the same gender as cis guys. Trans and cis are adjectives. An autistic guy is a guy, a white guy is a guy, a trans guy is a guy.

But I know that some cis people have a really hard time wrapping their mind around that.

I’ll start this with some bad news. There sadly is no real guarantee that your mom will be accepting. And there’s no guarentee that she will change into becoming more accepting/supportive either, no matter what you say or do. It really sucks, especially when it’s someone who’s so close to you, but some transphobes will remain transphobes no matter what. And you can’t educate someone who doesn’t want to learn.

But! It is still absolutely worth a try. Or several.

It took a full year for my mom to start regularly using my chosen name after I came out. And we’re past the two year mark now and she still uses my old pronouns. And it sucks, and it hurts, especially when she lashes out at me when I try to correct her. But she is making progress, just… very very very slowly.

And those are just two example. Of course there are many more aspects of my transness other than my new name & pronouns that she has needed to and still needs to adapt to.

All I’m trying to say with is that you shouldn’t give up completely, even if it feels like your mom is never going to change. Because even though those feelings could be correct, there’s also a chance she might end up surprising you in the future.

It’s very individual what actually works for getting an unsupportive parent to start changing though. Getting them to start opening their mind to new ideas and letting go of their old misconceptions is difficult. So you’ll likely need to be persistent and be willing to try approaching it from several different angles.

[Genderspectrum] has some resources aimed at parents of trans folks, so if you think your mom would be more willing to listen if she had information coming in frm other sources than just you, it may be worth trying to give her something from there and asking her to read it.

But you know your mom far better than I do, so you know better what kind of approach is more likely to be effective. Passive aggressive? Patient teacher? Obnoxiously kind? Patronising? Etc. There’s a million different ways to do this, and even more if you can get other people to help you with it so you don’t have to deal with her all on your own.

[momentumgo]

Lizz Kupfer

Animation Tech Lead San Francisco, CA She/Her

How did you get your start in motion design, animation, or whatever it is that you do?

I started my animation career by attending an art school for college. My intentions when I started my education at SVA in NY was to get into games and work in level designs. But when I started, the small subset that I was interested in in the Computer Art department, wound up being eliminated, so like most people, I slightly freaked and then pivoted. I was going to a school that was very expensive and on student loans that I knew one day I would have to pay back. I wasn’t going to waste time and transfer to another department or school who may have had a stronger gaming geared department, I was going to take the resources at hand and make it work. I had a goal of graduating in 4 years, transferring may have hampered that goal and I was determined not to spend more on my education than I needed.

I took classes and found ways to see what I liked best in each class. This lead me to a conclusion: I really liked animating 3D characters. Even if I did not work in games, this new idea was a great stepping stone into multiple different industries that had disciplines in 3d.

Both my parents were very supportive, my dad a bit more than my mom, when I made the decision to go to art school.

After graduating with a BFA in Computer Art, I wound up permalancing and freelancing in NYC as a generalist. I really wanted to focus on character animation, but I also had to pay bills, one of which was some hefty student loans. I was lucky. My parents took out a ParentPlus loan for part of my freshman year. Going to a private college wasn’t really what they thought I should be doing, but there are very few public or state colleges with a program I was looking for. The rest of my student loans my grandmother co-signed in order for me to qualify for them. My first payments wound up being around $1200 a month, not to mention living expense. I was also lucky to be able to live at home for a few years.

After a couple of years of generalist gigs, I started really pushing towards characters again. What helped me stay pretty open was also taking gigs with softwares I wasn’t completely fluent in. One of my first permalancing jobs I learned how to use 3 different compositing softwares, tracking software, a different 3d program that I was not familiar with at all, and honing my skills with familiar softwares as well. Another studio I applied to work at wound up using motion capture, which I understood how it worked, but never actually got to work with it. They were willing to teach me and so I took a lower rate than I should have, but learned a great deal. There I met some great friends and one new friend had a lead on project that sounded right up my alley, and was in an industry I had wanted to get into from the get go: video games.

What are some best practices you use today?

‘Work smarter, not harder.’ It’s super cliche, but it’s the truth. Sometimes you have to get into the muck and deal with stuff, but if there is time to plan, plan. If there is time to troubleshoot and find a simpler way to get something done, do that research. If you need to hire on someone to get to the finish line, don’t wait til the last moment. And don’t over promise what you can accomplish. I always think things thru, and put buffers into how long it will take to complete a task. Sometimes I’m dead on, and sometimes I’m way off. I’m not perfect, but technical issues aside, I’m pretty forward with what I think can or can’t be accomplished in time. And if someone says something I don’t agree with, I’ve been known to put my foot down and say how it is. (not my favorite part, but you gotta do what you gotta do.)

How do you define success? What would success look like for you?

Success, to me, is doing something I love and getting paid for it. What better job could there be? I’d probably do this for free if I didn’t need to pay bills and retire one day. Success means doing something I’m good at and enjoying the work, even if it sometimes isn’t the greatest project or a game I might not play. It also means getting paid what I’m worth. There have been times where I’ve talked to colleagues and nothing is worse than realizing someone who has less experience or isn’t as good as you or other team members is getting paid the same as you or more. It’s like a punch to the gut. Does that mean that whoever hired me for this project values my input less because they didn’t offer more or they offered the same pay to someone who has several years less experience than me? I don’t have the answer to that. But it’s something I’ve had to deal with, and the best I could do was walk away from that project and team knowing I’m worth much more.

How do you balance your work with your personal life? How do the two influence each other?

The eternal struggle of knowing when to leave work at work, and when you need to get something done. I have moments where I’m not good at balancing my personal life with my work life. Many of my friends work in similar fields and I’ve met many of my friends thru work. I make an effort to work out to stay healthy (sitting all day doesn’t really help and the sedentary lifestyle is not kind to your body).

I’ve crossed over into a few different work environments. Commercial, TV, Video Games. They all have issues with ‘work/life balance’ and not only with one gender. I wound up seeing both men and women trying to prove to someone how serious they were about a job. It meant giving up time with their families to work longer hours. I see it games more than others, but it’s also because that’s where I’ve mostly been. Ask anyone in VFX if they work long hours and you will most likely get a resounding yes.

We all have this huge problem because the system has a problem. Work is inevitably going to get in the way, it’s more about how much you are going to let it. I had a moment at a studio where I had to suddenly take a few days because of personal family issues. I let work know that the day I had been booked I could no longer come in. I informed people on my team the day before and let them know I would be able to do the long hours next week or that evening, but the following day I needed off. We were always chasing deadlines. Me failing to come in would be hard, but it shouldn’t have been earth shattering to them. That’s how it felt and they all let me know how they felt. I got the rudest, snide, remarks about how I wasn’t going to be there and people guilting me because I had to take a day off.

The next morning, someone higher up gave me a call about how I wasn’t in that day and how it was irresponsible to not come into work. I’m not even sure that claiming I was sick with the flu would have worked. The call made me feel like I was a small child being scolded for doing what was right for me, but inconvenient for the company. The first 30 minutes of the call was trying to get me to come in. “We’ll send a car and pay for you cab fare home.” “You can do that overnight, afterwork. You don’t need to take the full day.” “What if you came in for a few hours?” “You’re being extremely selfish. What about the rest of your team?”

The next 30 minutes was a lecture on how I needed to take responsibility and how I put way too much on my teams plate. How I wasn’t considering them and it was immature of me to take a day off last minute. I was compared to this person’s 17 year old son even though I was a 20 something who had her own bills and student loans and had been working consistently for a few years at that point.

I needed that day off. It was the right choice for me. Looking back, I have no regrets. After how my co-workers had treated me for taking this rare day off to take care of personal issues, and the phone call I received because a co-worker probably complained to someone about this, I decided I needed to not work for that place anymore. A few weeks later, I was working somewhere else. My work/life balance improved. And I was happy I burnt that bridge.

It’s one thing to get lost in work or to have a deadline that is fast approaching. It’s a completely different thing when a company stirs up a culture that prides itself on doing long hours like it’s some sort of battlescar. Places like that are not going to have employees best interest in mind. Places that run on constant tight deadlines and push to get work done are all around us, knowing if or when to step away is maybe the hardest thing we’ll all battle with. At some point, something has to give. Burnout is a huge issue. We’re also in industries where ‘passion’ and ‘seriousness’ are valued, and if you don’t do the extra work, you are all of a sudden less passionate and serious than if you did. Again, something has to give. We are only human.

State your privilege – What circumstances may have helped or hindered you along the way?

I’m a white woman from a middle class family. My parents are still married. My dad worked as a bus driver and my mom worked as a RN. Most of the kids I grew up with had both parents who worked, but almost all had the father as the breadwinner. My mom brought home more than my dad. We eventually had stability, but before my dad worked as a bus driver he had difficulties landing a steady job. He adapted, we all did. My parents never let us see they had issues with paying bills, but there was also times when we were told we couldn’t afford that right now. Overall, it seemed like a pretty normal upbringing for where we lived. We were also slightly different than most families I had seen by us. My parents were from different religious backgrounds. It’s more common now, but for our conservative area it wasn’t normal. I always felt like I stuck out slightly.

I have had some uncomfortable experiences based on how I look. I never thought I looked Jewish, but I’ve had experiences at work where it was quite clear that I was an other. My curly hair has always been something that has defined me. Once I got to working though, I was now being described as the Jewish looking girl. I’ve also been told to my face that anti-Semitism isn’t really a thing in liberal cities and not something you have to worry about in America. My experience has not made that clear at all and have had to deal with anti-Semitism several times. I try very hard to avoid these topics at work, and I’m not the one bringing them up.

The curly hair thing also has the whole please don’t touch my hair issue. For as long as I can remember, people come up and just pull on my curls. To see them spring back up. No. Just no. It’s just as if I go up to someone and touch their nose. Adults don’t do that. Boundaries.

On the part of being a woman, I have been given character work because I was a woman. I animated a female character because I was a woman. Not because I was good and this character needed more help, but because I was a woman. And I was told that at the start of the project. I’ve also been ignored and had my idea said slightly differently and accepted by the team/lead/director.

How have you learned to practice self-care? What do you do to take care of yourself?

Taking vacations help. But I also try to get up and walk around throughout my work day. That with working out when I can helps. I also have plenty of hobbies so I don’t focus on animation all the time. It’s important to step away.

What advice do you have for those just starting out?

Learn the fundamentals. Tools will always be changing, software is constantly evolving (and is sometimes buggy). Knowing why you do something one way versus another is a great skill. Knowing why something looks funny or weird or marvelous or scary is half the battle. The tricks we teach each other to get those effects are easier than figuring out why something looks the way it does. The why is the hardest part to figure out. Then it’s off to how to accomplish that look or feel.

Be Adventurous. I work with some really great people and our team right now is amazing. And part of that amazing-ness is how everyone on our team got their start somewhere different. You don’t have to go down the traditional path in order to get somewhere. Animation schools are everywhere now, and I think they are great, but they all have holes in what they teach. What you learn isn’t some gospel truth, but one path that has been tested over and over. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t try it another way.

Everyone makes mistakes. We all fall. It’s how we get back up. (lame, another cliche) It’s cheesy, but knowing that we all make mistakes, we all fail, well, it makes it easier to get up from that. We all fuck up. It happens. It’s the part that follows that can be the hardest hurdle to jump. Knowing that you aren’t perfect and you will fail at some point.

[dejametemostrar-blog]

It Beats Academic Prison

By CJ Stokes  

      Metro Boomin, at age 25, has a net worth of 8 million dollars; DJ Mustard, 28 years old, 8 million, Murda Beatz, 25, with an estimated net wroth of just over 3 million (Smith, Forbes).   Last but not least is Martin Garrix, a 22-year old Dutchman with a 25+ million-dollar net worth as reported by Forbes in 2017.  

    These young millionaires all beg the answer of one question…

     What the hell are these talented artisans doing in college?  The first three names mentioned above were living lavish by 20; Metro Boomin and Garrix were wealthy some time before their 20th birthday.  

    We’ve seen these success stories time and time again, whether it be technology, (Bill Gates and Steve Jobs) or most specifically music in our case (Will.i.am and David Bowie).  

    Wealth all acquired outside of school, Except for one Martin Garrix, who graduated from the Herman Brood Academy of production in the providence of Utrecht in the Netherlands.

    Yet, most know that schooling systems outside of America move much faster; especially education programs in Europe.

    So, maybe this question requires more specificity… Truly, how lucrative is it for American music producers to attend school, if at all?  A study conducted by the University of Washington, which was last updated in 2017, claims that only 53% of college are “unemployed or working in a job that doesn’t require a bachelor’s degree”.  Why go to school if you’re spending nearly $100,000 just to gamble for success?

    Years of practice or timing seem to not even be a factor anymore.  These music entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the internet and social media in ways that accelerate the “grind” or climb to conversations and business cooperation with the elites.  

    Its this constant conflict between the comforting safety blanket of college and the reckless desire to pursue one’s dreams that keeps most complacent.  Yet, the few who are brave enough to take the leap of faith, with respect to some intuitive talents, (presumably through years of listening to music), have seemed reap all the rewards that others too scared to take the leap will never acquire.

    Dropout and hip hop superstar, Metro Boomin told GQ Magazine in a feature promptly titled “the Conflicted College Dropout Who Became Rap’s Hottest Producer” :

“I was at Morehouse [College] for one semester. As grateful as I was to be there, I didn't want to be there. It was bittersweet, because I knew for a fact that I need to put all of my time into music. School is the same as producing: If you want to make it far, there are a million, trillion people trying to do the same thing. If you're not in over-grind mode, it's probably not going to work the way that you want it to. Sure, you can stumble across something. But to be in this shit for real, to be a player and not somebody who's attending the game, you've got to be on over-grind. There was just no way—me being in school and trying to do this. I wasn't going to excel in either one of them.”

      This is the constant tug of war students face.  However, as most “ordinary” folks would argue, “He’s Metro Boomin though!” Not only should we account for the fact that he’s Metro Boomin but we also have to take note that everyone’s measure of success is different.  

    For 21 year old Shajuan Munoz, a current student at Georgia State University, he’s found a way to maintain both the study life as well as his dreams.   He original career hopes were to become an athletic trainer as he fulfilled his course requirements in sports medicine at the institution but he’s found more freedom and less requirements in his new hustle.

    “I don’t even think of it was matter of putting in so much time… Honestly, I’m one of the shyest people you’ll ever meet but I was just fearless online with this. Promoting, marketing myself… I see so many wack beats blow up and I thought there’s no way I can’t do this”.

     This relentless attitude has resulted in Munoz’s accumulation of over $1,500 just this past semester.  Cooperating with the Internet Money Team, (a YouTube conglomerate infamous for their instrumental tutorials as well as overall production expositions), Munoz has been able to cooperate with artists as far as Germany under his trap sound and has even caught the attention of up and coming rap artist ‘Ugly God’ on twitter; who acquired mass fame from his 2016 single ‘Water’.

     “The only reason why I’m still in school in because I’m so close to graduating.  I think I owe it to my mom.  She’s put so much into this and I wouldn’t exactly call it a waste but it’s crazy that the work that has actually allowed me to pay my mom back or her bills is nothing related to school.”

     Munoz continued by noting that extracurricular hobby, which began from his simple love of listening to music, has evolved into his ableness to bless his family with cash and he couldn’t be more grateful.  He also stated that there would be no question about what he would do after school and that he wasn’t sure if he would’ve foregone school with his current courage but he is glad that he’s endured the double life due to his observations of a producer like Tay Keith, producer of ‘Sicko Mode’ and ‘Look Alive’, who has attained a degree while becoming a multimillionaire in the process.

    At the other end of the extreme is inevitable trials and tribulations; or otherwise certain failure if one gives up.  

    Former Trident Technical Student, Brandon Harvey, double down on his hatred for college but also its aura of necessity.

    “Let’s face it, I’d bet that about 80 or 90% of us are only there [enrolled] to ease our folks.  I’d give you any dollar in my pocket.  I couldn’t do it man.  I thought I could make beats… hit the lottery with it and I couldn’t do that either.” Harvey has recently begun some local construction work around the Charleston area but while he reaffirmed his passion and his current employment’s purpose in supporting that passion, he admits that his folks have encouraged him to reenroll.  

     “I know where they’re coming from but the money has always been tight.  I rather be happy and struggling then depressed and rich”.

    Everyone can only capture the glitz and glamour when whenever they’re seeking is unattainable but these dreamers have to be aware of the which accompanies either path.  Munoz also admitted that though his brash decision to produce proved to bear fruit he did catch a taste of what his downfall could have been if he hadn’t been so quick on his toes.  His grades and funds took a turn for the worse at the beginning of his entrepreneurial journey and he still questions whether he should drop out till this day. He couldn’t describe a correlation between persistence of time and success due to his quick rise but he was aware of a considerable difference in wealth and stability between young producers who had been perfecting their craft well before college or simply a longer duration than those who began their not so promising careers on a whim.

    As for Harvey he can’t help but ponder about how his passion wanes while the pressures of life request his commitment.  For Harvey college, with a focus on audio production, could be helpful to craft his skills but overall, he sees the experience as unnecessary and his predecessors prove that he is not wrong.  

     Wheezy Wade, Mike Will Made It, Turbo, Jetson Made This Beat, Ronny J, Zaytoven, and London on Da track all forewent college on their path to the superstardom; many of them feeding off of their musical backgrounds (playing piano or other instruments as they were raised in the church).  London even began his career by giving away beats for free just to increase his network and as Murda Beatz repeated your “network is your networth”.

    One sentiment also shared between nearly all of these producers are the words and wisdom uttered by the late activist, CEO, entrepreneur and producer/artist Nipsey Hussle.  “Coming into it, we [were] hustling.  So, it was a setback to want to pursue music.  It was something that I had to really believe in to pursue it.  That’s why I call my [brand] the marathon.  I’m not gon’ lie and portray this ultimate poise like I [always] had it figured out.  Nah, I just didn’t quit.  

    That’s the only distinguishing quality from me and whoever else is going through this, went through this, or is going to go through this is that I didn’t quit. I went through every emotion while trying to pursue this thing.  You have to really take this stance of I’m willing to die behind what I’m doing”.

[softspotforstars]

So after some thought, I pulled a paragraph from Wednesday’s post. Not because I felt remotely guilty for anything that I said, but I’m trying to keep the peace until everything is completely finalized. I’m so close.

While yesterday was about looking back, today is all about looking to the future! 2019 is proving to be an exciting year already.

Maui

Back in December I decided that I was going on a big trip for my 30th birthday whether I went alone or coerced someone to go along, so I proceeded to plan a week long trip to Maui. Initially I wanted to go abroad somewhere for the first time (I’m still coming for you Italy…), but I really wanted to go away over my birthday week and the odds weren’t high for me getting my name changed in time to apply for a passport and get it back in time. So, darn, going to have to compromise and go to Hawaii. 😉

After booking my flight and AirBnB my mom decided to go with me. She and I spend a lot of time together and go on adventures together regularly, but this will be our biggest adventure to date. I’m looking forward to going with her and stretching both of our comfort zones a little bit while we’re gone. So far I’ve booked a whale watching boat tour since we’re going right at the tail end of whale season in Hawaii. There is also talk of kayaking, snorkeling and maybe horseback riding, though apparently I’ve booked a trip to an island that doesn’t allow you to ride on the beach, so I’ve yet to determine if riding on the island is worth the cost if I can’t ride on the beach. If anyone has any experience with this, feel free to fill me in. I’m pumped about this trip though, and beyond grateful that K is willing to keep my dogs and run by the farm for me to check on the horses. I truly don’t know what I’d do without her.

Joey

Another reason to not spend money on potential horseback riding in Maui is that soon enough I’ll be able to sit on Joey. I’ve been watching him pretty carefully this winter and have decided to go ahead and send him to the trainer to be started under saddle during his two year old year. He’s mentally more than ready and physically I think that the exercise will do him well. He’s looking very round lately, though there are random glimpses of the horse to come underneath the polar bear fluff. It’s next to impossible to get a picture of him that demonstrates the good moments; they all turn out to show him still looking like a pudgy little kid’s pony. For example:

Could literally eat dinner off of his back…he gets it honest from both sides…

His eyeliner in this one makes me giggle.

I haven’t been graining him since before Christmas, though I didn’t make a conscious decision not to, I just didn’t start him back on grain after the big snow we had. When I talked to the trainer last weekend he said to go ahead and start him back on grain despite the fact that he looks like a walrus. My words…not his…he is unaware that he is getting a walrus/polar bear hybrid in for training in April, though the polar bear tendencies will be gone by then. I did end up going with the trainer that is 30 minutes from home. I went down on Saturday and watched him work with three different horses. From what I’ve seen, I think he’ll be a good fit for Joey. He’s a quiet and kind rider and agrees with me that Joey’s long term soundness is our first priority and that developing him to be a safe amateur ranch riding horse is second. Any competitive successes are just the icing on the cake.

So just like that, young Joey will be thrust into adulthood this spring. It generally takes a ranch riding horse a year to get to the point where they’re ready to go out and show after being started under saddle, so by starting soon, we’ll be more likely to be able to show next year. Of course, you guys know how horses are, so anything could happen.

Paige

Speaking of how anything can happen to horses, Paige is still mysteriously lame. With how much of a cluster my life was at the end of 2018, I was unable to get her to VT to be xrayed. I had anticipated that I would be living in an improved two income household during the fall and would be able to afford to get caught up on a bunch of things, but instead I found myself re-calibrating and figuring my situation out. Now that I’ve got a better grasp on things, I want to get her in to be looked over soon. She doesn’t seem any more lame than she was last summer, but nothing has improved with months out of work either, so I’m apprehensive to find out what’s going on. That appointment will hopefully happen prior to Joey moving out, but after the weather around here becomes less sketchy for trailering.

Copper and Robin

These two are allowed to exist and be happy and healthy on the property for as long as I’m lucky to have them, but I also don’t have any grand plans for them outside of that in 2019. Pasture sound and mental sanity is a lot to ask for these two sometimes, so we’re going to keep things simple for them. 😉 On another note, the Clydesdale boarder has been sold and moved out over Thanksgiving, so I’m open to

The three amigos (including boarder, Kricket)

Donkeys

Luckily there will be no donkey births this year. Russell was gelded in December of 2017, so his swimmers should’ve been long gone by June when the girls had foaled and became able to be bred again. Rudy moved in with K this fall, so Russell and the three girls are the entirety of the donkey herd right now. If I knew of someone I trusted who wanted a donkey, I’d be willing to let Russell move in with them. The girls have been bullying him more lately and haven’t been letting him eat as much as I’d like, so he’s loose in the barn with a free choice round bale and is getting grain rations until I feel better about his weight. So if anyone local-ish is looking for a little gelded jack that is easy to get along with, I’m willing to part with Russell if he’s going somewhere where he’ll be taken care of.

Horse Shows

Originally I intended to show Joey at the APHA Eastern Nationals that are being held in Lexington (two hours from home!) this year. The combination of lack of funds due to him going to training in April plus the fact that it is coming up soon in late March with limited information available about the event has caused me to reconsider that and I’ll just be driving myself down to cheer on friends and leaving Joey at home. I really hope it is here again next year when he’s able to be shown in more than two classes so that I can support the concept. It just doesn’t seem to be worth the money to me when we’ll only be eligible for tobiano and two year old lone line.

We will still be attending the VPHA Futurity show on Labor Day weekend, though not showing under saddle. I intend to take him in the two year old versions of all the same classes we did in October and try to win some more money. We should be much more competitive in longe line since he will have been in training for months at that point. He will lope on a circle by then I’m confident. 😉 They also do not have two year old ranch classes, so his first opportunity to show under saddle won’t be until next year, which is preferred in my opinion. We’ll see how he’s doing training wise…I may get to ride him around the showgrounds for fun? Or maybe my trainer will come down? Who knows…this is a new world for me…I’m certainly not used to having a trainer.

Everything Else

I don’t have much else planned for 2019 at this point, but it is still early in the year and my life changes constantly. I do plan to have some vet work done on the dogs this spring. Ariel needs her teeth cleaned and Tucker needs to be neutered. 2018 was one of the lowest maintenance years for vet work on the dogs, so I’m hoping this year will be comparable outside of those procedures.

Best little family.

As always, there are a few house projects and a few farm projects I’d like to do, but with prioritizing Joey’s education, anything that costs significant amounts of money will be put off for a while. I’m very lucky to be in the position in life where my financial decisions only impact me, so prioritizing something so incredibly first world isn’t as big of a deal as it would be in many situations. I’m not saying everyone should be en route to divorce before thirty, but it certainly makes it easier to make these sort of decisions alone.

So, here’s to a year of selfish spending and (low budget) self improvement. Hopefully I’ll even get to ride a horse more than 6 times this year? 😉

    New Beginnings So after some thought, I pulled a paragraph from Wednesday's post. Not because I felt remotely guilty for anything that I said, but I'm trying to keep the peace until everything is completely finalized.

[allhailonion]

Let’s Talk about Death In Steven Universe

So Clockie over @radioactivesupersonic, a phenomenal individual whose thoughts are well worth your time, has issued a challenge that I felt intrigued enough to attempt: To paraphrase: “Can you conceive of a plausible ending for Steven Universe that involves the murder of the Diamonds and is supported by precedence in the show?” This interests me, not because I think resolution by death is the direction I think this show is going, but rather as a narrative exercise to see if it might even be reasonably conceivable. After spending the better part of two days thinking about it, my main conclusion is “As it stands, no not really.” I haven’t written it off, though, because I don’t think we have enough data yet, but that, in and of itself, I think, is a topic worth elaborating on, so please indulge me while I continue. It’s gonna be a long one, so you can find the rest after the cut:

I don’t think you need black and white or irredeemable/unequivocal evil for a conflict to resolve with the death of some of its participants, and frankly, we’re never going to get black and white or i/e evil on this show. Rebecca’s sentiments on the matter are quite clear and it’s not that sort of show. What that doesn’t preclude however, is stubbornness in the sense of a party who is unwilling to compromise their position or a party who, unlike Steven, is willing to kill for what they believe in. Conflict with such parties in this show is extremely rare, though. I can only think of three circumstances where Steven has encountered such an individual and was unable to resolve the conflict with compassion and/or reason: Bismuth, Eyeball, and Jasper. Now none of these conflicts are finished and that’s what I meant earlier when I said we lacked data. In all of these situations, Steven’s usual tactics have thus far been ineffective and he’s needed to resort to violence, and that really bothers him, as evidenced in Mindful Education.  As of now, that violence has only delayed the resolution and thus far he hasn’t had an opportunity to have another attempt at non-violence to sort things out.  

The show has gone to great lengths to show us that Steven is not Rose, so I don’t believe for a minute that he’s going to adopt her strategy of ignoring things you can’t handle and sweeping them under the rug.  It’s not an acceptable solution, because nothing is resolved, and frankly, as far as gems are concerned, the only practical difference between being poofed and bubbled and being shattered is that the former is reversible. While that is a significant objective difference, from the perspective of the bubbled gem, it really only matters if they get out. It would appear that time, and very likely consciousness, ceases for a bubbled gem. In Steven the Sword Fighter, Pearl has no idea what’s happened while she was regenerating or how much time has passed.  In Catch and Release, Peridot regenerates mid-sentence as if poofing her literally put her on pause. In Bismuth, Bismuth reforms in a fighting stance because the last thing she remembers is fighting Rose. If a gem is never given a chance to regenerate, if they’re locked in a bubble forever, then, as far as we’ve been shown, from the perspective of that gem, they’ve ceased to exist. It’s a way to “kill” someone that you can change your mind about after the fact, and, for the purposes of the show, that’s really quite clever as it allows for violent resolutions without permanent consequences.

As I said before, I don’t think Steven is the type to bubble and forget, we’re going to be seeing all of these gems again. Honestly I’m very excited to see what Steven will do (again, I’m not suggesting he’s going to murder anyone) if the other participants of these conflicts remain uncompromising and intractable. The reason for my excitement is that there is something else we really haven’t seen Steven do yet in this show, and that is fail. Generally speaking, Steven is always right, and in the rare circumstance that he makes a mistake, the consequences are minor or it’s something he learns a lesson from and can easily remedy. I very much would like to see what Steven would do in a circumstance where compassion and reason will not work. How will he proceed? How will he overcome a failure like that? 

Each of the gems I’ve mentioned represent a different type of situation where Steven was at a loss and was unable to progress in a way that he found satisfactory, and to further complicate things, in all of these situations he’s dealing with the fallout of Rose’s transgressions, so its a problem he inherited, not one he started. I think how these conflicts are resolved is going to hugely inform the ultimate resolution of the narrative of the show, because, though a gross oversimplification, at the end of the day, the main conflict between Earth and HW is Rose’s fault, and its Steven’s role to fix that. Dealing with Bismuth, Jasper, and Eyeball is just a small scale version of dealing with HW and the Diamonds.

From what I currently know about the show, there is no way that the premeditated deaths of the Diamonds is going to be an acceptable resolution. If Steven kills Bismuth, Jasper, or Eyeball, maybe I’ll change my tune but right now I’ve got nothing to support it. Now, you will notice that I say “premeditated”. I think are two circumstances where death could happen, but we’d need the framework put in place for it not come off as ham-fisted or crappy storytelling:

The first is an accidental death. In the heat of the moment, in order to save his life, Steven cast Eyeball out into the vastness of space. Not a death sentence for a gem, but in Eyeball’s case I’d argue that’s a fate worse than death. Rubies are gregarious, communal gems. For Eyeball to be left floating around by herself for all eternity, that sounds particularly traumatic for a gem like her. And Steven absolutely regrets doing it, but at the time, it had to be done.  It certainly wasn’t an accident or coincidence that Steven and Garnet had this conversation at the end of the episode:

Garnet We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now. Steven But did mom really do it? Did she really shatter her? Garnet She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. For you to exist. Steven But I thought... A-at least she'd never... Garnet She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth. Steven Even if it meant shattering someone... Garnet Yes. Steven (Sighs) Thanks for telling me.

In the heat of the moment, under pressure, could Steven kill? I don’t know. With the Steven we have now, it doesn’t seem likely, and that’s why I said it would require careful storytelling and foundation building to make such a thing even plausible.

The other circumstance would be suicide/sacrifice. Now we don’t know enough about the Diamonds to know if “I’d rather die than live in this world.” or “In order for us to proceed, I need to give my life.” are even appropriate motivations for their characters, nor can I think of a reasonable scenario that would even bring us to that point, because there’s still too much in flux, and too much unknown to really say. There is more value here than in an accidental death story, but really only if the show wants to tackle the theme of “not everyone can be saved/not everyone wants to be saved.” It would be just as traumatic for Steven to fail to save a life as it would be for him to take one, but again, unless we have the narrative framework in place, then all it is a cheap shock; the infliction of pain to get a rise out of the audience.

In summation, if there’s any chance at violent resolution in the show’s arc, we haven’t seen evidence of it yet, but keep your eyes peeled for how things settle with Jasper, Bismuth, and Eyeball, cause if it’s going to show signs of it anywhere, I think that’s where it’s going to start.

[daemion]

My mom was told by my counselor and advisor when I was getting out of 8th grade that they thought I was going to drop out. They knew they weren’t helping me. I tried to prove them wrong for 4 years and I never will get closure. These people genuinely thought I wouldn’t make it through because of behavioral problems, they knew that even with an iep they would not be willing to support me at the high school. It disgusts me. I didn’t know till recently, before this I was trying to do my absolute best because my ex boyfriend from middle school basically told me I was too stupid to take advanced classes. I never get to have a real stupid fucking cerimony i didn’t even really want to go. But I wanted things to end like they were supposed to and that was fucking taken away from me. The more I think about it the more it’s clear that no one really cared at the school, no one cared at the therapists office, at the doctors office, at home. In everyone’s eyes I was pretending to be the victim when I was the antagonist and villain. They seemed like they were sure I was acting out because of some inherent evilness inside of me. It was never asked if I was acting out because of something else. When I went home after getting in trouble my parents would scream at me. I would cry for hours. My dad use to scream at me when he got home late at night and that would be the only time we talked that day. I just wish I had any proof no one ever believes me. I’m so tired the only people who seem like they really care now are the people who hurt me. I use to cry so loud in bed my mom and dad would come yell at me more in my bedroom. They don’t understand what they’ve done to me. They refuse to do it anymore not cause they really understand just cause they know now I’ll tell. I want to leave so bad so so bad but I’m a useless person. No job. No job expirence. Useless skills. Useless interests. Not enough money for like more than a months worth of rent in this area. I don’t own a car, and I live far away from everywhere. I can’t go out. I already felt so fucking trapped. Now I’m going to be trapped here forever. I’ve lived in this house all my life I want to leave it sickens me. She hit me here I remember she hit me there she screamed at me here he hit me against this door. It’s sickening. Why did no one care about me? Why didn’t someone try to help me at all?? Why was no one ever on my side?? When I hit second they acted like I started the fight. They’d act like the kids who were bullying me were innocent angels. They’d act like they were making me be near them and spend time with them to build character/challenge myself. Even in middle school. A boy called me insane and a r*t*rd. I still had to sit with him work in his group I told the teachers and my parents. They didn’t have me move away. I know kids made fun of me behind my back. I know kids were friends with me cause I seemed like I had something wrong with me. They were lying when they said they cared about bullying, and that they cared about students, and when they said that they were trying to help me. They were trying to make themselves feel better because they knew that the education system is built to harm people. It’s outdated and hostile to anyone with any issues. I was harassed by a pe teacher because I had asthma. I wasn’t allowed to use my inhaler at school because they were worried I’d try to get high off it. I heard that people were dealing drugs behind the middle school. Did the girl with asthma really look like she wanted other kids to fucking touch her inhaler? I wrote a story once about my summer in language arts in 7th grade about my dad yelling at me and my brother and my mom when we were on vacation because it was the thing I remembered most vividly. I quoted him in saying something with “fuck” in it. My mom got scared when I told her I wrote it and complained to me that she was worried she would get a call from the school. They never called. They never sent anyone to check on me and my parents. I got the paper back with a grade and erased part of it cause I was worried

About my mom. I remember my mom hurting me and yelling at me more than I remember fun happy memories. I remember my mom telling me she wanted to get a divorce in vivid detail. I wish that happened. My dad hurts my mom. I would’ve wanted to live with my mom even though she’s hurt me. I wouldn’t want to see my dad anymore. He seems like he’d beat me if my mom wasn’t around to keep him in check. My mom has to tell me ahead of time when she’s gonna go out of town and I’m gonna have to spend a weekend with my dad. He doesn’t care about my opinions. He’s friends with people I find repulsive. My mom compares me to him and I feel disgusted. I want to forget I’m related to him. I want to disconnect myself from him. I’m trapped here with them and I can’t escape I can’t escape probably for another year. I don’t even have a credit card or anything I’m miserable I hate it here. I want to get away from here I can’t take it here

[daughter-of-the-prophet]

Anora (Tv Tropes)

Armor-Piercing Question: Receives one from Teagan regarding her father. In her first appearance, no less.

             Anora: “Teagan, my father is doing what is best.”

             Teagan: “Did he also do what was best for your husband, Majesty?”              (Anora flinches as though shot by an arrow.)

Arranged Marriage: It's mentioned that Cailan and Anora were betrothed from a very early age, on account of their fathers' friendship. 

Beauty Equals Goodness: Averted. Although she's beautiful, and she does genuinely care about her country, she's also scheming and manipulative. She's nobody's supportive cheerleader; she will turn on anyone if necessary to further her goals, including Ilona.

Better the Devil You Know: Her supporters support her because she's a known quantity, whereas Alistair is new. Her one unwavering supporter, Ceorlic, says as much at the Gnawed Noble Tavern.

Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: She betrays Ilona twice to further her own goal.  Despite this, however, Ilona holds no hard feelings towards Anora and even refuses to have her executed, even after the end of the blight. 

Bookworm: Loghain mentioned that during her childhood, Anora spends a lot of time reading instead of playing with the other kids in Gwaren.

The Chessmaster: She's just as clever and manipulative as her father, if not moreso.

Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Betrays her father to Ilona, and then betrays Ilona back to him. No matter what risks Ilona took for her sake, Anora cheerfully backstabs her at the Landsmeet. And of course while rescuing her, when Ilona lets Anora speak for herself to Ser Cauthrien, she immediately claims that Ilona and her companions were kidnapping her. 

Daddy's Girl: The two most important things in her life are her country and her father, and she'll do what she must to protect both of them. If anyone else had tried what Loghain did, she'd have had them drawn and quartered within the hour. 

Damsel in Distress: At a certain point in the story. Subverted, however, in that she was not actually in as much danger as she claims, and played this role to gain Ilona's sympathy. Double Subverted in that Arl Howe was not only willing to kill Anora, but seemingly eager to do so — the queen wasn't nearly as in control of the situation as either she or her father later claim.

Easily Forgiven: Despite being backstabbed by her twice and everything else, Ilona holds no hard feelings towards Anora and refuses to have her executed to prevent potentially rebellious nobles from allying with her.  This is because Ilona knows that Anora is not entirely a bad person. 

Expy: Her backstory is similar to that of Edith of Wessex (being the daughter of a man who rose through the ranks on merit and was married off to the king to cement his position) but, interestingly, if left to rule, she becomes much more similar to Harold Godwinson (a ruler in their own right, who hadn't a drop of royal blood but was the most qualified for the job, and much more politically savvy than their father). Considering the Godwinson family was wiped out by the Norman invasion, this can even be taken as a Take That! to the Orlesians. Not to mention her resemblance - in both appearance and personality - to a certain former Ukrainian Prime Minister...

Fantastic Racism: More subtle than most, but her handling of alienages shows the apple doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to Mac Tirs in power governing elves. During King Cailan's reign, Queen Anora was in charge of infrastructure, but the story shows that the alienages are poorly managed, if not outright neglected by her. 

God Save Us from the Queen!: Subverted as Anora can be very ruthless in the way she tries to maneuver herself into power.

Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: Subverted. Anora plays the stereotype of the virtuous fair-haired princess for all it's worth, but while she's not outright evil, she's not exactly pure or innocent either.

Happily Married: To Fergus Cousland.  She meets him during Alistair’s coronation and hits it off really well with him.  He proposes to her during the celebration of Alistair and Ilona’s wedding and they themselves marry not long afterwards and have two sons together.

The High Queen: An interesting case. She has the image of a High Queen, but once you get to know her, she quickly proves herself to be a manipulative and power-hungry politician. That does not mean she is evil, however: she really wants the best for Ferelden and its people, it's just that she is convinced she needs to be in power to make that happen.

Hot Consort: To Cailan.

I Need a Freaking Drink: After the Noodle Incident with the giant:

               Anora: “We're going to get a drink. A lot of drinks. Maybe all the drinks they have. Come on.”

Inspired by...: With her political maneuvering against rivals for the throne and patronage of education and the arts, she's pretty clearly based on a number of historical female rulers, particularly Elizabeth I of England and Catherine the Great of Russia.

In the Blood: Like her father, she seeks to protect Ferelden at all costs and believes that she and Loghain are the only two people capable of doing so.

Law of Inverse Fertility: Her inability to get pregnant and sire an heir by her thirtieth year has led to many rumors that she's possibly barren, while more superstitious nobles believe it's the Maker's punishment for having a commoner for a Queen. 

This becomes averted after she bears two sons with her second husband, Fergus Cousland.

Like Father, Like Daughter: As a few characters and Word of God points out, the most important thing to remember about Anora is that "she is her father's daughter." She certainly inherited her cunning, ruthlessness, and overconfidence in her own abilities from him, as Alistair points out. (See Pride below.)

Missing Mom: Her mother passed away some time before the story. 

Morality Pet: Loghain does love his daughter, though he doesn't show it often.

Noodle Incident: The World of Thedas reveals that when he was still a prince, Cailan and Anora disappeared for nine days to hunt a giant, and were later found with a Fereldan soldier in Crestwood, "drunk as dwarves, covered in bruises, cuts, and ash, and smelling strangely of cheese."

        Anora: “We defeated the giant. Now, let's never speak of this again.”

Opportunistic Bastard: While she can be very nice and helpful to those whose goals align with hers, Anora will manipulate or backstab anyone so long as it allows her to remain in power and secure the physical safety of her father, Loghain. 

Out-Gambitted: Ilona was able to win the support of the Landsmeet even without the high support of Anora. Double points for Ilona being the daughter of Teyrn Cousland: Teyrn's daughter square-off.

Pride: Like her father, Anora's main flaw is her overconfidence in her own abilities, and unwillingness to compromise her vision for Ferelden even to save her people.

                       Alistair: “She's her father's daughter. Me, I say that's where the problem lies. People like her and her father always think they're the only ones who can fix things, and everyone else should just stay out of their way.”

Puppet Queen: As Loghain's tyranny becomes progressively worse over the course of the game's events, many people feel Anora to be this, considering she is the Queen and yet is doing nothing to rein in her father's excesses.

Romancing the Widow: This applies to both her and Fergus Cousland when they started a romantic relationship and married.  Anora’s husband, Cailan was killed during the battle of Ostagar and Fergus’s wife and son were slain when Arl Howe invaded Castle Cousland.

Ungrateful Bastard: No matter what route Ilona took in rescuing her from Arl Howe, she has shades of this.

When Ilona reveals her to Ser Cauthrien, she immediately claims Ilona and her companions were kidnapping her instead, before fleeing the battle.

When she demands an attempt to rescue Ilona, when Eamon mentions that they need to rescue Alistair as well, she makes it perfectly clear to everyone that she wants only Ilona to be rescued, preferring to let Alistair simply rot in Fort Drakon to eliminate the threat he poses to her continued reign. Queen or not, Arl Eamon makes it very clear that he's not amused.

The Woman Wearing the Queenly Mask: Played with. Anora likes to pretend that she's this, but one gets the impression that the mask is her true personality. According to everyone in Thedas, she was running the country's infrastructure while Cailan led the armed forces.

[andrewdburton]

House poor: How two homes caused enormous debt

David Domzalski was just beginning to process the ultrasound images of his first son when his wife told him that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.

This meant becoming a one-income house, and that meant their debts would take longer to pay off.

It also meant the young family would soon be house poor.

House poor means that the majority of your income is going towards your home’s mortgage, utilities, repairs, etc. — leaving little money for other expenses such as the phone bill, groceries, and, well, everything else.

You might be rolling your eyes right now and saying to yourself, “You gotta be kidding me! Why would anyone put themselves in such a bad financial situation for a house? That’s ridiculous!”

It’s not that simple.

Being house poor is like being in a crappy relationship. It’s so easy to judge and scoff at things like, “Ugh they are so bad for each other. If they just broke up, they���d be WAY happier.”

But when you’re the one in the relationship, it’s an entirely different story. You’re almost blind to the reality around you. You’re more willing to bury yourself in excuses like:

“Maybe things will change if I just keep working hard at it.”

“I’m committed. I can’t give up now!”

“What if I never find another as good again?”

And sometimes all we see is the picturesque Norman Rockwell version of things when reality is much more painful.

(I apologize for any high school relationship flashbacks I triggered.)

There are a lot of reasons someone ends up house poor. Luckily, there are also a lot of ways one can recover from being house poor. That’s why we talked to two people who have first-hand experience — a college professor who’s currently house poor and a new father who recently got out.

Their insights were haunting, painful, and incredibly revealing — and they shed light on a topic many people would rather not talk about.

But, c’mon, this is IWT. We’re going to talk about it.

The house poor professor who spends half his pay on his home

Shaun / 35 / Utah

Occupation: College professor

Current income: $44,000 / year

Family: Married, 3 children

Wife’s income: $8,000 / year

Purchase price of home: $189,000

Mortgage: $1,153/month, 30-year fixed rate

Loan after consolidation: $199,000

Shaun is a college professor from a small Utah town. He and his family had been renting a home for a few years before his friend approached him one day with a question: “Do you want a house?”

They found the five-bedroom home attractive and they also received a great deal on the home at $189,000 (in a state where the median price of a home is nearly $300,000).

It all made logical sense to Shaun.

“We figured that we could pay someone else’s mortgage by renting or we could pay our own,” he recalls. “That was a basic thought for me: I can just pay my own [mortgage] and it would put equity towards the house even though it’s a small amount.”

Shaun fell into a trap that many homeowners ensnare themselves in by discounting the phantom costs of owning a home. Soon he’d find himself parting with a considerable slice of his paycheck because of his house.  

He adds, “Plus the place where we were staying had just risen their rent … so we went for it.”

And so Shaun bought the house and got a 30-year fixed rate mortgage at 4.125% interest.

“When my wife and I looked at the house, we thought that we weren’t going to get another deal like this,” Shaun says. “It was a brand new home and it was well built. We loved all the little features so we were okay with putting our money there.”

“Ramit’s not big on owning a home … and I can see why.”

Shaun’s wife also works as a professor. However, she makes $36,000 less than Shaun because she only works part time. Because of this, the family must rely on Shaun’s income to pay off the mortgage. (Luckily, the mortgage is the only big loan the family has as Shaun recently paid off his education loans.)

Unluckily, half of Shaun’s take-home pay goes towards the mortgage. And when half of your salary is fed to the house, that means that you must be a lot more judicious with how you spend your money.

“We have set things we know we have to pay for,” Shaun says. “We’re not the type to scramble to find out how we’re going to pay for things each month. We know exactly what we need to pay for utilities and the mortgage. So we have discretionary spending. It’s just a set amount.”

But still, it’s not easy watching the hit in his pay each month. It means forgoing many different things that Shaun wants to do but cannot because of his financial situation.

“I’d love to be able to pay for my parents’ home,” Shaun says, “contribute to their retirement income, and help family and friends financially when they need it. [Also] I’d like to buy a vehicle for my family that doesn’t require the cramming we currently experience with a baby seat, a toddler chair, and a booster seat all vying for limited space in a compact car.”

He continues, “It’s tough. I look at my paycheck and say, ‘Most of this is a wash. It’s already spoken for!’ Half of it goes towards the house and utilities and all the other things that come with the house. Ramit’s not big on owning a home and I can see why.”

Shaun’s house poor escape plan

To get out of being house poor, Shaun is employing several tactics:

Paying more money each month for the mortgage

Refinancing the home

Earning more money

“We’re going to pay [the mortgage] off a lot faster than what it’s scheduled to be,” he says. “So instead of 30 years it’s at about 18 years.”

Shaun also refinanced the home. If you don’t know what that is, it’s okay. Refinancing is like getting a new loan. It allows the borrower to get a new appraisal on the house and can result in some big wins like a lower interest rate and higher home value.

And that’s exactly what happened for Shaun.

“We got [appraised] for $189,000 originally,” Shaun says. “But with our refinance, it appraises higher now at $250,000. We also got a lower interest rate. It wasn’t a massive change, but it was enough to knock off a few hundred dollars a month.”

He adds, “Luckily, now the house is worth more than what we owe on it so we’re not underwater.”

Shaun also took up another job as a DJ for his local radio station to help offset the cost of the mortgage.

“It’s not a big money maker — just $13 an hour,” he says. “But I love it and it helps with our expenses. It’s a few hundred bucks a month for a few hours. It helps to pay off more principal on the house and helps us get out of it sooner.”

Shaun doesn’t think his family will stay in the home forever — but, for now, he’ll be paying down that mortgage as best he can. Now, let’s take a look at someone who has been in Shaun’s shoes BUT has gotten out of it …

The finance junkie who escaped being house poor

David / 33 / Pennsylvania

Occupation: Auditor

Income when house poor: $80,000 / year

Family: Married, one child (another on the way)

Price of old home: $450,000

Mortgage: $2,200/month 30-year fixed (2011 rates)

Price of current home: $350,000

Mortgage: $1,300/month 30-year fixed (2016 rates)

David Domzalski is an auditor — and also the founder and writer of the blog Run the Money.

So it’s a little ironic that he found himself being house poor despite such a strong background in finances.

“Being house poor was one of the main reasons I wanted to start Run the Money last year,” David says. “It was such a huge experience. It consumed our lives.”

It all started when David and his wife got married and decided to purchase a house in Newtown, Pennsylvania, in 2011. At the time, it seemed perfect. They could both afford it on his salary as an auditor and his wife’s salary as a teacher. Plus, it was in the Philadelphia area where David grew up.

“It was the best house we could afford,” he recalls. “We were so proud of that home — just patting ourselves on the back. We were cocky twenty-somethings and just really excited about it, you know?”

They were young, optimistic, and saw that house as their own quarter-acre slice of the American dream. It wasn’t just a house. It was a badge of honor. Their signal to the world that they had finally made it.

They loved this house.

David and his family.

“It was our first house together,” he says. “We worked our butts off to save for it. When we got it, it was us signifying to the world that we had arrived. And we really felt like we did it. We had a beautiful street in a beautiful neighborhood. It was everything that we wanted. It was just ours. We felt that we had accomplished something that no one could take away from us.”

After purchasing it, the two moved in and started turning a house into a home — painting the rooms, laying down hardwood floor, and putting in “a lot of blood, sweat, and tears��� to make the house truly theirs. You know, everything you see on HGTV. 

A few years later, though, David and his wife came to a decision that wound up entrapping the family into an ever-tightening financial vice.

When two incomes turn to just one

“I’m done. I’m not working anymore.”

That’s what David’s wife told him in March 2015. The two were sitting in their car after just seeing the first ultrasound images of their unborn son.

By this time, his wife switched careers and worked in real estate. She was pulling in $75,000 a year while David made $80,000, allowing the two to live comfortably.

But when she saw the first images of her son, she made the decision to stay at home to support her child.

“I just told her, ‘Okay.’ I fully supported my wife being a stay-at-home mom,” David says recalling that fateful moment. “Looking back now, it was definitely the right decision because my son is one of the happiest kids you’ve ever seen. But at the time, it put us in a bind.”

Part of that bind included roughly $30,000 in credit card debt. With a child on the way and the family turning to a single income, there was no way they were going to be able to pay it down anytime soon.

And then there was the mortgage payment for their home. What was once a marker that the couple had “made it” soon became a painful weight on their shoulders.

“We had the credit card debt on top of the $2,200 a month we were paying [for the mortgage],” David says. “I was making only about $80,000 a year. So it was probably close to half our income with just me working.”

Determined to keep the home, the couple began to look for solutions. His wife’s real estate business still had a few deals left, so they were able to take advantage of the extra income. They also refinanced the home twice but the payment was still sitting at $2,200 a month.

“For some people, [$2,200 a month] isn’t a big deal. But for us, it just wasn’t going to work,” he says. “We lived in such an expensive area. It was a place where you have to have two incomes or I had to get a higher paying job that required me to travel to New York every day. And that’s something I just didn’t want to do.”

He adds, “I value the time I have with my family much more than making the ‘big bucks.’”

Unless they did something soon, the young family faced insurmountable debt and even foreclosure.

“I cried.”

David and his wife began to discuss their options — including the possibility of selling their house.

“There were a lot of late nights,” he says. “A lot of car rides where we just discussed it. We knew our situation meant making decisions we didn’t want to make. And we ran the numbers every way you can think of too. We tried every way to keep us in that home and it just wasn’t going to work.”

The two looked at areas where they could cut their spending. They made their budget a priority. They considered cutting luxuries like cable and selling their car.  

Meanwhile, the couple ran the numbers constantly, trying to untangle the Gordian knot of their financial debt. It went on this way for months.

His son was eventually born before they came to the only logical conclusion: They had to sell their dream home.

“There was no way we could do it,” David says. “So we kicked off the process of moving out.”

The family put their house on the market and began the search for a new home on the weekends. Throughout it all, the feeling of despair and the ever-present pang of nostalgia were always close by.

“When I realized we had to do this, and I put in for the transfer [at work], and we had the house we loved on the market, I cried,” David recalls. “We loved that house.”

He continues, “On our last night in the house, my wife and I walked to each room and we said all the memories we had for that specific room. It meant that much to us.”

What “adulting” looks like

So the family moved out and stayed with David’s in-laws until they found another home two hours away in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

While it isn’t exactly like their former house, the home and neighborhood did provide a number of benefits, including:

Lower cost of living. The house they bought ended up being roughly $100,000 less than their old house. The monthly payment is almost $1,000 less as well.

Close proximity to his in-laws. David’s wife’s parents live a short drive away from the home, which is fantastic in case of emergencies. “Fortunately, we were able to move to an area where my wife’s parents are just 45 minutes away and we have their help,” he says.

Great job benefits. With his job transfer, David was also able to negotiate a pay raise including telecommute days and the occasional Friday off — which means even more time to spend with his son.

After moving into the new home, the couple began to pay down their debt. With his wife taking on a consulting gig and David building out his side hustle in Run the Money, they were able to finally take control of their finances again.

“That’s what ‘adulting’ looks like,” he says. “It’s making decisions and sacrifices like this — and I would do it again.”

The family is almost two years into their new home, and while they miss their old house, they wouldn’t trade their current situation for the world.

“It’s amazing how it all worked out,” he says. “We’ve been really blessed. It was a difficult situation but it goes to show you that sometimes those situations you go through in life are all about taking that leap of faith. We all want things to go well. Sometimes it doesn’t, but for us, it couldn’t have worked out better.”

David adds, “I get to be home with my son and daughter. They get to grow up in a beautiful neighborhood, and it’s all because Mom and Dad made an #adulting decision.”

What to do if you’re house poor

If you’re house poor too, you’re not alone. 44% of Americans are “liquid-asset poor,” according to a study by Prosperity Now Scorecard, a nonprofit dedicated to affecting economic policy change to “rebuild prosperity in America.”

But, as evidenced by Shaun and David, there is hope. While these two homeowners are separated by over 2,000 miles and make different salaries, they both made one key decision to help them stop being house poor: They found ways to earn more money. 

And if you’re house poor, there’s a wealth of systems you can employ to help you earn more today. That’s why we want to offer something to help you out:

The Ultimate Guide to Making Money

In it, we’ve included our best systems to:

Create multiple income streams so you always have a consistent source of revenue.

Start your own business and escape your dire financial situation.

Increase your income by thousands of dollars a year through side hustles like freelancing.

Download a FREE copy of the ultimate guide today by entering your name and email below — and start working your way out of being house poor today.

House poor: How two homes caused enormous debt is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Finance https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/house-poor/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[paulckrueger]

House poor: How two homes caused enormous debt

David Domzalski was just beginning to process the ultrasound images of his first son when his wife told him that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.

This meant becoming a one-income house, and that meant their debts would take longer to pay off.

It also meant the young family would soon be house poor.

House poor means that the majority of your income is going towards your home’s mortgage, utilities, repairs, etc. — leaving little money for other expenses such as the phone bill, groceries, and, well, everything else.

You might be rolling your eyes right now and saying to yourself, “You gotta be kidding me! Why would anyone put themselves in such a bad financial situation for a house? That’s ridiculous!”

It’s not that simple.

Being house poor is like being in a crappy relationship. It’s so easy to judge and scoff at things like, “Ugh they are so bad for each other. If they just broke up, they’d be WAY happier.”

But when you’re the one in the relationship, it’s an entirely different story. You’re almost blind to the reality around you. You’re more willing to bury yourself in excuses like:

“Maybe things will change if I just keep working hard at it.”

“I’m committed. I can’t give up now!”

“What if I never find another as good again?”

And sometimes all we see is the picturesque Norman Rockwell version of things when reality is much more painful.

(I apologize for any high school relationship flashbacks I triggered.)

There are a lot of reasons someone ends up house poor. Luckily, there are also a lot of ways one can recover from being house poor. That’s why we talked to two people who have first-hand experience — a college professor who’s currently house poor and a new father who recently got out.

Their insights were haunting, painful, and incredibly revealing — and they shed light on a topic many people would rather not talk about.

But, c’mon, this is IWT. We’re going to talk about it.

The house poor professor who spends half his pay on his home

Shaun / 35 / Utah

Occupation: College professor

Current income: $44,000 / year

Family: Married, 3 children

Wife’s income: $8,000 / year

Purchase price of home: $189,000

Mortgage: $1,153/month, 30-year fixed rate

Loan after consolidation: $199,000

Shaun is a college professor from a small Utah town. He and his family had been renting a home for a few years before his friend approached him one day with a question: “Do you want a house?”

They found the five-bedroom home attractive and they also received a great deal on the home at $189,000 (in a state where the median price of a home is nearly $300,000).

It all made logical sense to Shaun.

“We figured that we could pay someone else’s mortgage by renting or we could pay our own,” he recalls. “That was a basic thought for me: I can just pay my own [mortgage] and it would put equity towards the house even though it’s a small amount.”

Shaun fell into a trap that many homeowners ensnare themselves in by discounting the phantom costs of owning a home. Soon he’d find himself parting with a considerable slice of his paycheck because of his house.  

He adds, “Plus the place where we were staying had just risen their rent … so we went for it.”

And so Shaun bought the house and got a 30-year fixed rate mortgage at 4.125% interest.

“When my wife and I looked at the house, we thought that we weren’t going to get another deal like this,” Shaun says. “It was a brand new home and it was well built. We loved all the little features so we were okay with putting our money there.”

“Ramit’s not big on owning a home … and I can see why.”

Shaun’s wife also works as a professor. However, she makes $36,000 less than Shaun because she only works part time. Because of this, the family must rely on Shaun’s income to pay off the mortgage. (Luckily, the mortgage is the only big loan the family has as Shaun recently paid off his education loans.)

Unluckily, half of Shaun’s take-home pay goes towards the mortgage. And when half of your salary is fed to the house, that means that you must be a lot more judicious with how you spend your money.

“We have set things we know we have to pay for,” Shaun says. “We’re not the type to scramble to find out how we’re going to pay for things each month. We know exactly what we need to pay for utilities and the mortgage. So we have discretionary spending. It’s just a set amount.”

But still, it’s not easy watching the hit in his pay each month. It means forgoing many different things that Shaun wants to do but cannot because of his financial situation.

“I’d love to be able to pay for my parents’ home,” Shaun says, “contribute to their retirement income, and help family and friends financially when they need it. [Also] I’d like to buy a vehicle for my family that doesn’t require the cramming we currently experience with a baby seat, a toddler chair, and a booster seat all vying for limited space in a compact car.”

He continues, “It’s tough. I look at my paycheck and say, ‘Most of this is a wash. It’s already spoken for!’ Half of it goes towards the house and utilities and all the other things that come with the house. Ramit’s not big on owning a home and I can see why.”

Shaun’s house poor escape plan

To get out of being house poor, Shaun is employing several tactics:

Paying more money each month for the mortgage

Refinancing the home

Earning more money

“We’re going to pay [the mortgage] off a lot faster than what it’s scheduled to be,” he says. “So instead of 30 years it’s at about 18 years.”

Shaun also refinanced the home. If you don’t know what that is, it’s okay. Refinancing is like getting a new loan. It allows the borrower to get a new appraisal on the house and can result in some big wins like a lower interest rate and higher home value.

And that’s exactly what happened for Shaun.

“We got [appraised] for $189,000 originally,” Shaun says. “But with our refinance, it appraises higher now at $250,000. We also got a lower interest rate. It wasn’t a massive change, but it was enough to knock off a few hundred dollars a month.”

He adds, “Luckily, now the house is worth more than what we owe on it so we’re not underwater.”

Shaun also took up another job as a DJ for his local radio station to help offset the cost of the mortgage.

“It’s not a big money maker — just $13 an hour,” he says. “But I love it and it helps with our expenses. It’s a few hundred bucks a month for a few hours. It helps to pay off more principal on the house and helps us get out of it sooner.”

Shaun doesn’t think his family will stay in the home forever — but, for now, he’ll be paying down that mortgage as best he can. Now, let’s take a look at someone who has been in Shaun’s shoes BUT has gotten out of it …

The finance junkie who escaped being house poor

David / 33 / Pennsylvania

Occupation: Auditor

Income when house poor: $80,000 / year

Family: Married, one child (another on the way)

Price of old home: $450,000

Mortgage: $2,200/month 30-year fixed (2011 rates)

Price of current home: $350,000

Mortgage: $1,300/month 30-year fixed (2016 rates)

David Domzalski is an auditor — and also the founder and writer of the blog Run the Money.

So it’s a little ironic that he found himself being house poor despite such a strong background in finances.

“Being house poor was one of the main reasons I wanted to start Run the Money last year,” David says. “It was such a huge experience. It consumed our lives.”

It all started when David and his wife got married and decided to purchase a house in Newtown, Pennsylvania, in 2011. At the time, it seemed perfect. They could both afford it on his salary as an auditor and his wife’s salary as a teacher. Plus, it was in the Philadelphia area where David grew up.

“It was the best house we could afford,” he recalls. “We were so proud of that home — just patting ourselves on the back. We were cocky twenty-somethings and just really excited about it, you know?”

They were young, optimistic, and saw that house as their own quarter-acre slice of the American dream. It wasn’t just a house. It was a badge of honor. Their signal to the world that they had finally made it.

They loved this house.

David and his family.

“It was our first house together,” he says. “We worked our butts off to save for it. When we got it, it was us signifying to the world that we had arrived. And we really felt like we did it. We had a beautiful street in a beautiful neighborhood. It was everything that we wanted. It was just ours. We felt that we had accomplished something that no one could take away from us.”

After purchasing it, the two moved in and started turning a house into a home — painting the rooms, laying down hardwood floor, and putting in “a lot of blood, sweat, and tears” to make the house truly theirs. You know, everything you see on HGTV. 

A few years later, though, David and his wife came to a decision that wound up entrapping the family into an ever-tightening financial vice.

When two incomes turn to just one

“I’m done. I’m not working anymore.”

That’s what David’s wife told him in March 2015. The two were sitting in their car after just seeing the first ultrasound images of their unborn son.

By this time, his wife switched careers and worked in real estate. She was pulling in $75,000 a year while David made $80,000, allowing the two to live comfortably.

But when she saw the first images of her son, she made the decision to stay at home to support her child.

“I just told her, ‘Okay.’ I fully supported my wife being a stay-at-home mom,” David says recalling that fateful moment. “Looking back now, it was definitely the right decision because my son is one of the happiest kids you’ve ever seen. But at the time, it put us in a bind.”

Part of that bind included roughly $30,000 in credit card debt. With a child on the way and the family turning to a single income, there was no way they were going to be able to pay it down anytime soon.

And then there was the mortgage payment for their home. What was once a marker that the couple had “made it” soon became a painful weight on their shoulders.

“We had the credit card debt on top of the $2,200 a month we were paying [for the mortgage],” David says. “I was making only about $80,000 a year. So it was probably close to half our income with just me working.”

Determined to keep the home, the couple began to look for solutions. His wife’s real estate business still had a few deals left, so they were able to take advantage of the extra income. They also refinanced the home twice but the payment was still sitting at $2,200 a month.

“For some people, [$2,200 a month] isn’t a big deal. But for us, it just wasn’t going to work,” he says. “We lived in such an expensive area. It was a place where you have to have two incomes or I had to get a higher paying job that required me to travel to New York every day. And that’s something I just didn’t want to do.”

He adds, “I value the time I have with my family much more than making the ‘big bucks.’”

Unless they did something soon, the young family faced insurmountable debt and even foreclosure.

“I cried.”

David and his wife began to discuss their options — including the possibility of selling their house.

“There were a lot of late nights,” he says. “A lot of car rides where we just discussed it. We knew our situation meant making decisions we didn’t want to make. And we ran the numbers every way you can think of too. We tried every way to keep us in that home and it just wasn’t going to work.”

The two looked at areas where they could cut their spending. They made their budget a priority. They considered cutting luxuries like cable and selling their car.  

Meanwhile, the couple ran the numbers constantly, trying to untangle the Gordian knot of their financial debt. It went on this way for months.

His son was eventually born before they came to the only logical conclusion: They had to sell their dream home.

“There was no way we could do it,” David says. “So we kicked off the process of moving out.”

The family put their house on the market and began the search for a new home on the weekends. Throughout it all, the feeling of despair and the ever-present pang of nostalgia were always close by.

“When I realized we had to do this, and I put in for the transfer [at work], and we had the house we loved on the market, I cried,” David recalls. “We loved that house.”

He continues, “On our last night in the house, my wife and I walked to each room and we said all the memories we had for that specific room. It meant that much to us.”

What “adulting” looks like

So the family moved out and stayed with David’s in-laws until they found another home two hours away in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

While it isn’t exactly like their former house, the home and neighborhood did provide a number of benefits, including:

Lower cost of living. The house they bought ended up being roughly $100,000 less than their old house. The monthly payment is almost $1,000 less as well.

Close proximity to his in-laws. David’s wife’s parents live a short drive away from the home, which is fantastic in case of emergencies. “Fortunately, we were able to move to an area where my wife’s parents are just 45 minutes away and we have their help,” he says.

Great job benefits. With his job transfer, David was also able to negotiate a pay raise including telecommute days and the occasional Friday off — which means even more time to spend with his son.

After moving into the new home, the couple began to pay down their debt. With his wife taking on a consulting gig and David building out his side hustle in Run the Money, they were able to finally take control of their finances again.

“That’s what ‘adulting’ looks like,” he says. “It’s making decisions and sacrifices like this — and I would do it again.”

The family is almost two years into their new home, and while they miss their old house, they wouldn’t trade their current situation for the world.

“It’s amazing how it all worked out,” he says. “We’ve been really blessed. It was a difficult situation but it goes to show you that sometimes those situations you go through in life are all about taking that leap of faith. We all want things to go well. Sometimes it doesn’t, but for us, it couldn’t have worked out better.”

David adds, “I get to be home with my son and daughter. They get to grow up in a beautiful neighborhood, and it’s all because Mom and Dad made an #adulting decision.”

What to do if you’re house poor

If you’re house poor too, you’re not alone. 44% of Americans are “liquid-asset poor,” according to a study by Prosperity Now Scorecard, a nonprofit dedicated to affecting economic policy change to “rebuild prosperity in America.”

But, as evidenced by Shaun and David, there is hope. While these two homeowners are separated by over 2,000 miles and make different salaries, they both made one key decision to help them stop being house poor: They found ways to earn more money. 

And if you’re house poor, there’s a wealth of systems you can employ to help you earn more today. That’s why we want to offer something to help you out:

The Ultimate Guide to Making Money

In it, we’ve included our best systems to:

Create multiple income streams so you always have a consistent source of revenue.

Start your own business and escape your dire financial situation.

Increase your income by thousands of dollars a year through side hustles like freelancing.

Download a FREE copy of the ultimate guide today by entering your name and email below — and start working your way out of being house poor today.

House poor: How two homes caused enormous debt is a post from: I Will Teach You To Be Rich.

from Surety Bond Brokers? Business https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/house-poor/