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valkyrieofsmut · 4 years ago

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Captive Love 11

UF!Sans x Reader (or Frisk if you wanna)

Summary: Sweetheart's escape! Sans's anxiety... Sweetheart has anxiety, too.

A/N: So... Here's one of the parts I've been really excited to put out! I must be messed up, though, because... Sweetheart has flashbacks and an anxiety attack... I'll put the ~~~ so you can avoid the triggering stuff. Sans pretty much sums it up, but I also put a sum up in the end notes. Also, tumblr is a bitch to edit on, which is why it’s taking me so long to update! Sometimes I kinda just feel like posting a link to the chapter on Ao3... kinda feel torn, though, since you won’t get to see the words or anything if it’s reblogged or whatever. What d’ya think?

Masterlist Series Masterlist

Story

The great escape.

The door downstairs closed loudly, waking (Y/n) with a jolt.

She looked around, seeing a blanket over herself. She didn’t remember that being there before she fell asleep.

There was a soft, muffled snoring above her and she looked up, Sans’ body stretched out before her in the puddle of his coat, the book he’d been reading laying open on his face.

(Y/n) tried to sit up, but an arm tightened around her ribs. She looked down and noticed that while she’d thought that his arm was just laying down on the bed, it was draped over her, hand tightening at her shirt and holding her close. The other seemed to be tangled in a mess of her hair.

Holy crap, how did this even happen? She wondered.

She decided that it didn’t matter. Nothing about it mattered. It didn’t mean anything, and it didn’t change her plans to get out.

She could hear Papyrus getting closer from the sound of his stomping footsteps coming down the hallway. He seemed to pause outside Sans’ door, and she wondered what he was doing for the moments before he opened the door.

“SANS, WAKE UP, YOU LAZY PILE OF BONES!” He called, taking in the sight in front of him as his brother stirred. “SANS, WHAT IS THAT TRASH ON YOUR FACE?”

(Y/n) looked up as Sans swiped the book away so it hit the floor on the other side of his bed a bit violently. “nothin’ paps, jus’ somethin’ i’s readin’ ta sweetheart,” he assured. Hastily.

That didn’t sound suspicious at all…

Was particle theory some secretly sexy thing? Was there something in there that she didn’t realize was dirty? Was he- was he reading her porn without her realizing it?!

She knew that monsters supposedly turned to dust when they died, which lent itself to a theory that monsters were made of particles instead of cells, so… was it some weird sexual thing?!

(Y/n) felt her cheeks heating, and she made sure to keep her face hidden from the two skeletons.

Another night of awful dinner, though she was able to eat some salad and bread to fill herself and avoid much of the lasagna, thanks to Sans’ shopping trip, out of the way, and they all retired to their rooms, Papyrus to practice battle strategy and study traps, (Y/n) and Sans to his room.

(Y/n) got the book from the floor where it had landed and brought it to Sans where he was kicked back on the bed.

“ya- ya want me ta read ya more a that?” He asked nervously.

(Y/n) shook her head, putting the book on the bed and making the motions for writing on paper.

“s-sorry, sweetheart, i told ya; i can’t read human writin’, yet.” She scowled at him and slapped the bed before making the writing sign again. Sans jumped back in surprise at her actions, standing and going to his desk. “shit, doll, a’right-! ya planning ta take notes or some shit?” He asked a bit roughly as he tossed the pad of paper and pencil on the bed at her. She seemed pleased, so he sat back on the bed.

She waited for him to get comfortable before handing him the pad and pencil. He looked at them in confusion, then watched her open the book and point at the words, then pointed at him and signed writing again.

“doll, i’m tellin’ ya; i can’t write anythin’ y’re gonna understand,” he told her.

She held the book open and tapped at the page to get his attention there before pointing to each individual letter.

“i’m not holdin’ anythin’ back from ya, doll, i sw-” he insisted, cut off as she slapped the bed again with a scowl.

She jabbed her fingers at the letters and nearly growled, “uhl-fuhb…t!”

“ya- ya want me ta write th’ alphabet?” He asked in surprise.

“Yehs!” She declared with a slight, adorable, squeak, thrusting her arms in the air and falling back on the bed in obvious frustration.

Sans’ grin widened at the sight before he was over her, his face pressed to her collarbone, his arms wrapping around her to give a squeeze. “y’re jus’ so fuckin’ cute, ya know that, sweetheart?” He asked, nuzzling her as he hid his blush. (Y/n) was frozen in surprise, but was about to push him away when he continued, “an’ smart. but, if we’re gonna do that, let’s get one that ain’t so technical.” Sans climbed from the bed, taking the book with him, stuffed it on the shelf behind some other books and pulled off a different one.

He’d been glad that she couldn’t read the old school, common monster print, so he could make up whatever he wanted the book to ‘say’, but now that she was trying to learn to read it… the thought of her learning that he read books focused the relationships of the characters, that was a bit soft for the tough image he kept up, it’d embarrass him very badly, and if it got out that he read that kind of stuff- he’d be attacked, not only verbally, by most monsters, but physically by some of them as well; the ones who thought they were going to look big and strong by killing the brother of one of the Royal Guard’s Commanders.

Sans wrote all of the characters of the monster’s common alphabet, leaving space around each one, then his name at her insistence.

“sans,” he read it to her, making the sound of each letter as she pointed to it, then watched as she made some weird kind of notes underneath. “ss. aa. nn. ss.”

(Y/n) nodded as she looked at her work. Well, now she knew how to spell his name. She pointed to the corresponding letters of his name in the alphabet that he’d written, and, getting the same sounds, wrote the letters under them.

She found words in the book, starting with the short ones, having him read the whole sentence, then the words one at a time, to check the grammar, and then the individual letters of her chosen words until she had a letter for almost all of the symbols. There seemed to be a symbol for the sounds ‘ch’ ‘sh’ and something she could only figure as ‘cs’ which was like a soft c, almost s sound.

Sans scratched the back of his skull before reaching down and tossing his shoes off. “flower. sweetheart, ya done, yet? ‘cause i’m done being treated like a fuckin’ speak’n spell fer th’ night. got shit ta do in th’ mornin’,” he told her, sounding tired as he got comfy on the bed.

(Y/n) wrote a couple more notes, then closed the book, took the paper from the pad and stuck it where she wouldn’t forget to take it with her when she left; it would come in handy to read any signs.

She was as stubborn as the previous nights, taking her pillow and laying on the floor, much to Sans’ irritation.

Another night of falling asleep on the floor, Sans wrapping his body around her, and waking up on the bed. She wasn’t surprised at this point, though she wondered how he got her up on the bed without waking her.

Come on, she thought at them, particularly Sans, as she stared at the book she was again studying, I was still here yesterday when you went shopping- I didn’t leave, you can trust me. Go to work, or whatever it is you do…

Sans was shooting hesitant looks at her, but did leave her alone in the room with a reminder of how dangerous monsters could be to humans. She would have thought that he was threatening her, but the way he looked so nervous, it was definitely that he was warning her to stay safe. Inside.

(Y/n) waited.

She ate some of the salad and bread for breakfast, not wanting to make herself sick right before her trip, and continued to wait.

After two and a half hours, she felt like if either of the skeletons had been worried about her sneaking out, they would have given up and either come to check on her, or gone off to the next thing by then and she should be ok to go.

She dressed in the most covering black clothing she’d found in the bag to help her blend into the shadows, ending up in a tight pair of leggings and a loose, off the shoulder shirt landing in a very flattering cut at almost mid thigh.

It did leave her neck a bit exposed, but she was going to use her sneaking ability to the best of her, well, ability, mostly staying hidden for protection.

She stuffed her feet into her shoes, glad that she had sensible, comfortable, black shoes as required for work, though they looked a little clunky paired with the skin tight leggings.

Pfft. Not like I’m trying to win any fashion awards or anything, anyway, she chided herself as she looked all over through the fields around the outside of the door before slowly making her way out.

She kept her back to the house as she slowly navigated her way around it to the side with the city in the far distance.

Sans felt a bead of sweat run down his skull as he hurried toward the house, pausing under the tree sheltering the echo flowers he’d brought up, the ground muddy and wet from how much water they needed.

Something was not sitting right in his nonexistent gut. Something was too strange about the way his sweetheart had been acting, and he felt the need to go check on her, if only to ease his own worries.

If she was fine, he could pop back to work, no problem, if not- he would fix it.

As Sans started forward again, he saw the gleaming silver of spun webs.

His eyes focused more, sweeping the field to pick out more of the webbing, seeing a trap set, and he could guess who it was meant for.

fuckin’ spider bitch can’t keep ta her own fuckin’ business… he cursed, crouching to conceal himself as his eyes moved over the area to gather all the information he could.

He saw the hint of a strange shadow at the edge of the grass, the fuzzy body of a spider about half the size of the annoying dog; one of Muffet’s minions, and one that wasn’t the type to travel alone.

He cursed silently again, his eyes sweeping over the place it was heading, obviously on the hunt, tracking their prey.

There- he saw a flash of skin, a hand steadying its owner so as to not trip, just at the corner, on the other side of the house.

Sans used a shortcut to the grass just past her, still crouching to stay hidden.

Just as he could see her about to break away from the house and head out into the open field, a glance showing him that the spiders were poised and ready to scurry into action chasing after her, Sans shot out of the grass silently, grabbing (Y/n)’s arm and jerking her around the next corner, out of the line of sight of the spiders.

(Y/n)’s back was once again slammed into a wall, Sans in front of her, his hand over her mouth as he caged her in, his eyes studying the side of the house she’d just been on as he quietly growled, “what th’ fuck ya thinkin’?!”

She was too surprised to react for a moment, and when he was satisfied that whatever he was looking for wasn’t there, his angry eyelights turned to meet her eyes.

“huh?! what don’t ya get ‘bout it bein’ dangerous fer ya ta be out here?!” His voice was soft, as though he didn’t want to alert someone to their position, but (Y/n) still didn’t see anyone around.

He was playing it up for her benefit, trying to trick her, she knew it…

“how th’ fuck’d ya even survive this long?! ya run ’round defenseless an’ soft, kissin’ strange, scary fuckin’ monsters an’ passin’ out ‘n front a ‘em, try'n wander through fields fulla monsters that wanna cat’cha an’ eat'cha- what th’ fuck did ya think ya were gonna do- skip yer way through th’ fuckin’ town fulla monsters an’ get through wit th’ power’a kindness or some shit?!” He hissed at her.

(Y/n) had thought Papyrus was the intimidating brother, but Sans was pretty intimidating himself when his eyelights were missing from his sockets, his anger twisting his face as he held her motionless against the wall of the house, bony hand over her mouth.

He looked around the house again before dragging her with him as he went down to the other corner, peeking around to check it before dragging her with him again, into the house and tossing her toward the couch, making her stumble back and fall onto it awkwardly, her eyes glued to him as he locked the locks on the door and stormed down over to the couch.

Sans’ red magic yanked her feet to him and he ripped her shoes from her feet, taking them with him as he stormed down a hall, then made his way back, her shoes missing, though she’d heard the sounds of more locks.

He stopped next to the couch, grabbing her to drag with him again, but stopping at the bottom of the stairs, holding her with one hand while the other smacked at the wall until he found what he was looking for and pulled a hidden door open.

(Y/n) only got to see a sliver of what was inside, lights flickering before filling the space with harsh, fluorescent brightness. There were a couple of strange machines that kicked to life, but none of them were what Sans was going for, apparently, as he grabbed whatever he was looking for from the wall near the door and walked back out, flicking the lights off and slamming the door closed before again dragging her, this time up the stairs to his room.

His door shut with a loud bang, Sans stopping and holding the item in his fist up as he pushed her forward so she fell on the bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) quickly turned and rightened herself enough that she could fling herself into motion if she needed to. Her eyes went up to watch Sans, attentive to find any clues from his behavior that she’d need to survive.

His eyelights were trained on the thing in his fist, which was glowing a little with his red magic, but the expression on his face was torn.

“i didn’t wanna do this,” he murmured. “i was tryna spare ya from it, but…” Sans’ eyelights turned back to her, sadness hidden behind his anger as he advanced on her, keeping her trapped between him and the bed. “but ya fuckin’ hada make me. ya took the decision outta my hands, sweetheart. ‘f i’m gonna keep ya safe, i have ta be able to…”

(Y/n) felt the fear growing in her belly as she shrank down away from him, her eyes unable to look away from his.

It was a bad ending.

Punishment.

He was pissed off and was going to punish her to assert his dominance, to keep her under his control, show her what happened when she displeased him.

No… no, please, her mind begged, unable to get the words out, though her mouth had been trained not to let any sounds out. Please- help… I’m sorry-!

Her eyes slammed shut as he stepped closer, her whole body flinching away, her face flinching again as she tried to keep the panic in her system down. Her arms flinched, stopping themselves as they started to move up to defend herself as he leaned over her.

Something soft but sturdy wrapped around her neck.

Oh god- don’t strangle me- oh god, please don’t strangle me-! She heard the sound of a buckle and her fear was instantly doubled. No biting, no biting, no biting, she tried to prepare herself, fighting the tears stinging at her ducts. Biting will make it worse- worse might be accidentally killing you…

Suddenly, light was shining through her eyelids and she heard the door slam closed again.

(Y/n) opened her eyes, finding herself alone in Sans’ room. She quickly looked around to take stock of the situation, making sure she was actually alone, before getting up and grabbing the chair from near the window, using it to jam the door closed before she took the blanket off the bed and huddled on the other side of it from the door.

The tears started washing down her face as she wrapped herself around a pillow, her body rocking slightly as she fought the panic that had taken hold of her gut.

I’m ok, she told herself. I’m ok, he didn’t do anything. He didn’t hurt me. Didn’t even rip my clothes. I’ll still get out- just… just gotta wait for the right opportunity… I’ll make it. I’ve survived before, I can do it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sans sat in the hall with his back against his door, draining large gulps from a nearly empty bottle of cheap whiskey and chasing it with gulps of mustard.

He could feel his sins crawling on his back.

He felt fucking disgusting.

The look of fear in her eyes as he got closer to her, the full body tremble- the way she looked like she’d rather fall down and dust than let him touch her as he put the collar on her and buckled it…

He should be comforting her- he wanted to be in there comforting her, telling her that it was ok, he wasn’t going to hurt her- that he’d never hurt her! But he was the one that had caused this state of fear, and he could only hope that she’d calm down enough that he could comfort her soon.

stars, sweetheart, ‘m sorry, he thought miserably as he took another long gulp, finishing the bottle in his hand and squirting mustard between his teeth, ignoring the tears and soul tearing pain in his chest before he buried his skull against his knees, his humeri pressing around it, wrists dangling from the top of his knees, mustard in one hand, the empty bottle in the other. ‘m so fuckin’ sorry…

A/N: SAFE RECAP That thing Sans got out of the secret room was a collar, and when he went to put it on her, she had a flashback of punishment from her abusive ex. Of course, Sans couldn't stand to see her like that, hated himself for causing it, and left to go be self destructive on his own. Also... heh, the book that Sans was reading to Sweetheart... not a textbook. More a romance novel. lol.

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psychedelictrashpanda · 5 years ago

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stuck in the middle with me

In addition to always feeling trapped, I also get to feel like I’m always stuck at a crossroads I can’t ever make progress in deciding which direction to take. With myself of course, is it fair to the other person for me to be dating in such a poor mental state? Wearing loneliness like an old familiar jacket, it just stinks sometimes, really need to wash out that old perspective and embrace solitary living -- I used to be so good at it!

Right now I could start up this t-shirt thing. Get a screen printing set up and actually follow through on the whole idea I started years ago but abandon because heat-press tshirts were low quality trash I didn’t want to deal with. In addition to or instead of, I can also go the mushroom route. Practice growing all sorts to sell to chefs and such, maybe in the future land an opportunity to grow cubes as a legal profession.

Both of those are entirely possible and would help me immensely. But it implies two things: a definite move away from the company, which is gonna be another obligatory rift to deal with, and staying in Oklahoma, which at least would please the family and balance out that rift? Assuming I explain the other option is getting the fuck out.

I’m still considering the vandwelling idea I’m always building on that I’ve recently categorized as a dream because it seems simultaneously so easy and close to reality but far away and something I’ll never have the courage to go through with. It’s been in my head, well really since I was a child, but in planning mode for years now before it became a trendy scene. Now Joseph gets to leave for months at a time fulfilling the dream I had and it’s all fine and okay for him because he’s volunteering when he does it I guess.

I have to pretend I’m typing so my coworker, who is my old friend from childhood that I should be more happy to talk with since I don’t see and work with often, will stop talking to me and leave me alone. Should I feel guilty? After seeing so much Larry David, to be honest, heh, I’m starting to feel less bad about the things I want. Oh you know what that reminds me -- this thing with benzos I’m going through relates. Because I’m either riddled with anxiety and apologetic and let people walk all over me and am self deprecating and blahblah a lot of the usual depression type symptoms I suppose, or I take a medicinal dose of a benzo and I don’t take any shit from anyone. I think it depends on the benzo tbh and I’m about to try a new grey market one anyway so maybe that will work in just the right medicinal way that I need it to. Only some make me sort of cranky, and valium seems to be one I guess, but it’s also because at too low a dose it doesn’t seem to do me much good so I have to get to just enough of a dose to feel sleepy from which is also enough to get edgy from. But also, I always neglect the entourage effect, and I think it applies to EVERYTHING in life. Case in point, if I weren’t already depressed and in a bad place in my life, I wouldn’t get the negative symptoms from the medicines I need as much. (side note: no really I identify a lot with Larry David, and in some twisted way that helps me)

Oh okay yeah vandwelling. I really don’t like the term. Mostly because it evokes a hipster sort of image. And I will be that hipster considering I’m going to get a good start and I suppose by the bare fact it’s by choice and not necessity? Fuck that, this is that “worrying about what other people think” bullshit I’m needing to get over. I’m so sick of it. I’m so tired of worrying about my image and what people think of me. I think so low of me because if I were looking at me through their eyes I would think low of me, curse of the gaze of the other maybe if I knew what that philosophical concept meant specifically... Keep going off track. That’s why I like Zizek so much, totally identify with his ramblings that go off in weird directions and have weird analogies and whathaveyou. I’m feeling prettay prettay prettay Larry Zizek today. Or maybe I should be Slavoj David right now with his name first because I’m feeling more pessimistic ala Zizek than go-get-the-world ala L.D. God. This rambling. I want to do the vandwelling.... let me start ANOTHER paragraph on that...

I have this Ford F150. I’m super happy I have a newish vehicle now that I don’t have to worry about but it is unfortunate it’s a V8. Probably making a bigger deal about that than I should. Being a minimalist and really just living out of a vehicle should offset the carbon footprint of that big motor, which will make itself useful I’m more than sure. I’m probably more concerned of the gas cost really, but I have to figure out avenues for income to begin with while on the road. Being a journeyman plumber and having other construction experience, it shouldn’t be hard to find side jobs if I bring my toolbags with me. Before I even hit the road though, if I can make it happen, there’s a lot I need to do: Get a camper top. Learn some new skills to carry with me on the road; I can teach myself the skid-steer for sure, maybe even a backhoe which would be nice. Also learn digital skills for online jobs; brush up on doing some graphics like posters or maybe finally the video editing. I have a ton of outdoor camping/hiking/such equipment from always planning on doing those things but never following through so I’m good on that front. Get prescriptions to the meds I need so I don’t have to carry benz and stims on the road. Make sure I’m completely legal but stocked up on stuff like kratom or cbd and such. TONS of Soylent, powder and liquid, or try huel for powder. Maybe some cheap foodstuffs too, cans and/or ramen, etc. Got plenty of reading and writing material. Need to get those last few things on amazon to complete the vandwelling electronic necessities and things of that nature.

eh I dunno maybe I’ma save this draft but I’m posting tonight whether I finish it or not. enough of this saving a draft for days, I should be writing more everyday anyway. ugh I forgot I’m coming in at four tomorrow. and forgot to mention I think it’s official I’m fucking done with this place cause I just can’t work with family. it’s so goddamn frustrating cause no matter what I look like an asshole. it makes me fe-- ugh this is a whole other post. I gotta work too early tomorrow for how much I’ve put into this so far.

#tshirts #vandwelling #benzo #high #grass #poptarts

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