#edit ELUDE IS NOT THE WORD I WANTED lol

[sevenbirdsinflight]

something about Balance that I don't think I've ever seen anyone talk about is that Griffin came up with the nicknames for the 7 birds all the way back in The Crystal Kingdom

and like, The Lover, The Lonely Journal Keeper, The Twins, and the Wordless One all foreshadow what Griffin was planning for the overall story and for those specific NPCs. and The Protector was a pretty obvious fit for Magnus after how much we'd seen of him so far

but I wouldn't really have called Merle "The Peacemaker" until we know about his relationship with John, and CERTAINLY not from what we knew just up to The Crystal Kingdom. and yet post-The Stolen Century, "The Peacemaker" is THE perfect nickname for him

so like. did Griffin pick something at random and just luck out that it fit as well as it did once the entire backstory was revealed? or were The Lover, the Protector, and the Peacemaker all thrown in as somewhat more vague nicknames that could be shuffled around as needed as the story progressed? Because if things had shaken out differently, I think you could manage to squeeze the one NPC left into any of those depending on what Magnus and Merle ended up

anyways, it really just shows how much they managed to catch lighting in a bottle with Balance by complete chance, because of COURSE Merle is the Peacekeeper, it says SO MUCH about his character and his arc, but it only actually makes sense based on decisions Griffin couldn't have even known were coming

[tremendous-entropy]

Hello all! Ok, so I've never written fics before, let alone smut, but this thought has been driving me crazy for a while and I can't find what I'm looking for so I decided to give it a go myself. Premise being that in the nightbringer time-line all the brothers are 100% virgins. So I'd like to explore that, lol. Taking place after you wake up from your coma and on from there. First being mammon that night (ignoring the bit where they're all asleep outside your door at the end of that lesson) and then next being lucifer after he learns they all want to stay in the devildom with Satan, when the two of you are in his office bc it just sets it up so perfectly. From there idk what order or after what happening I want the rest of them to happen. So I'm looking for suggestions, and also just really want to know if this is something y'all would be interested in reading? Bc it's gonna be super long. And it may take a while, I have Adhd and my shit is all over the place. I'm going to use my MC, Zaeda, she/her, bi, poly. I can already tell you mammon will probably be the most in depth, lol, I just love him so much, I'm sorry 😂 but I do love them all and I will do my best to give each of them the time they deserve 😉So here's a little long af teaser and probably not gonna be super wonderfully edited so ignore any current typos, give me some feedback please!

NSFW but barely

________________________________________

You lie in bed wide awake thinking back on the last few days of your little coma situation. You recall everything you heard the boys say while you were under, every word, every kiss. You're practically brimming with love. Sleep eludes you. It's intensely quiet. Lucifer threatened the brother's lives if they so much as stepped out of their rooms tonight to ensure you got proper rest.(No he's not worried about you.) Apparently they all slept outside your door the entire time you were out. They've all been on your mind more constantly lately. In a different way. In your time you're in a happy poly relationship with all of them and you've slept with all of them more times than you can count. In this time.....well...they're all virgins.

You shuffle through each demon in your mind, recalling so many intimate moments, wondering how different this time will be. Did Barbatos explain things to them while they were confined to the castle? Brand new demons. Have they masturbated? Do they watch porn? Have they discovered any of their kinks yet? Should you show them? Or let them figure it out slowly? So many questions. So many possibilities. Where to start? Which lucky demon will be the first to fall...to you. Who will be the second? The third? Fourth? Mmm. Let's get this party started.

*MAMMON*

You already know the answer to who's first. Who better than your first man? So many firsts with that boy. It's only right that he be the first. The first to love you, the first to know you. The rest can wait, the time has to be right for each of them. The fact that you haven't jumped that greedy boys bones already is a testament to your self control. For now, you crawl out of bed, strip to nothing, walk to your dresser and unfold Mammon's white shirt you keep in your drawer. It smells like him. You should probably return this.... You put it on, it comes down just enough to cover your bare ass. Perfect. You grab your ddd and slowly and carefully make your way out into the hall.

"thank fuck I'm a master at sneaking around these halls", you think to yourself, as you quietly walk on the balls of your feet, slowly stepping over every creaky board in your path. It's seems like an eternity has passed by the time you finally make it to the 2nd borns room. You open the door little by little, unsure as to whether or not the demon is sleeping, it's still early for you and he's usually just as nocturnal as you are, even with the neverending darkness of the devildom. You spot the white haired demon as you walk in, sitting on his couch, some long forgotten movie playing on the TV, scrolling intently on his ddd, completely unaware of you walking up behind him, or what's about to come next...

"Hey, pretty boy." you coo at him walking up behind the couch. "AHHH! FUCK! ZAEDA WHAT THE FUCK?! DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!" He holds his right hand to his chest dramatically as he catches his breath, "I coulda hurt ya, dummy!" he pouts. "Aw, sweet boy, I'm sorry I scared you." you smile as you bend down crossing your arms and resting them on the back of the couch as you lean in closely. If only he could see the view from the back. "Ya didn't scare me! Nothin scares the Great Mammon! Ya just caught me off guard is all! Shit, what are ya even doin up, aren't ya s'posed to be restin?" You smile sweetly at the frazzled demon and look into those gorgeous blue eyes of his, "should I go back to bed?" "NOOO! No! ... I- I mean.. it's not like I care..." he trails off. You tilt your head to the side and eye him suspiciously, "hmm". His tsundere tendencies don't faze you anymore. You know he's loved you since before he knew what love really was. You know he thinks the sun shines out your perfect ass. You wait patiently as his thoughts catch up to him. He's looking anywhere but you

"I- I mean...sorry I... I don't want you to go...I-" You smile as you reach out and gently lift his chin up to meet your gaze. Uncertainty swirls in those beautiful eyes shinning up at you and such a pretty little blush across his perfect face. You slide your hand to his cheek and slowly pull him in and plant a gentle kiss on his waiting lips. " I'm not going anywhere, puppy." Barely a whisper into his sweet lips. He melts into your touch as you you rub your thumb over his cheekbone. His blush probably reaches his knees by now. You remove your hand from his face after running it once through his soft hair. His ddd still in his left hand, catches your attention. You lean over slightly for a better look. While you're distracted, mammon takes the time to really soak you in. He looks at your beautiful face, your pretty pink hair, falling waves over your shoulders, those lips that haunt him all hours of the night. His eyes rake down your body, what he can see of it right now, he finally notices the shirt. "Zaeda, is tha-", "Watcha lookin at mams?".... He freezes as he remembers what he was doing before you were standing in front of him. He scrambles as you snatch his ddd from his hand and run behind the pool table. On the screen is a photo album. Full of pictures of you. You and him, but mostly you. You quickly scroll through the seemingly endless pictures (how does he even have so many?). "HEY! NO! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! THAT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY!" He jumps off the couch and runs to you and desperately tries to grab the device as you dodge him over and over, laughing. "Puppyyyy! It's cute! Look at all these! I'm flattered." You hold the ddd up over your head. "It's not what you think! I- was doin somethin- I was just-"

He stops dead in his tracks. Jaw agape.

"Y- you...you're...are you...um...you're not w-wearing anything under that shirt..." You notice a little too late that with your arm above your head like that you can juuust see the bare curve of your ass peeking out from the bottom of his shirt that hangs on your body so perfectly goddamn his heart is gonna bust out of his chest fuck he can see your nipple rings through the thin white fabric fuck why is his dick throbbing

"Fuck...." You turn his ddd off and lay it on the pool table and slowly make your way toward him, holding his gaze. "That part was supposed to be a surprise."

That's all so far! Lemme know what y'all think!

[allisonmourning]

🦋ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅🦋

New song this week! However, I first need to give some updates on the Winter Butterfly remake.

Winter Butterfly is turning TEN(!!!!) this year. Originally, I was going to remake this album in celebration. However, things didn't go as planned, so I've decided to cancel the remake.

However, on Winter Butterfly's 10th anniversary (July 3rd), I will be releasing my new album, Phoenix. I will also be posting all of my old music for download. This is around the time that the Spinster remake and the original version will be uploaded to Youtube. So Winter Butterfly will technically still be coming out on the 10 year anniversary, but it'll be a re-release of the 2014 and 2017 versions.

🦋ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅🦋

There's a few reasons the remake didn't work out. The short explanation is

(1) Producing/Mixing/Uploading Phoenix took all my time.

(2) Phoenix still isn't done. I want to use Rin on the Spinster remake, and I'm hoping I'll be able to afford her soon. Additionally, the other remake on Phoenix had a lot of key changes, so the guitar part took a long time to rewrite. I'm also currently experimenting with Glitch Hero for the drums, which is making the track take longer then usual.

(3) The amount of work Winter Butterfly needs just can't be done in 2 months. Partly because:

(4) Winter Butterfly has 2 track listings. One from 2014 and one from 2017. In 2017, I didn't want to release the same exact same album a second time. So I decided to take out all the slow songs that I (at the time) thought were boring and replaced them with newer songs that were a little more musically matured. With the exception of Trash lol. So if I were to release a "full" version of Winter Butterfly, the album would become a slog because of the over-representation of slow songs.

The other reason Winter Butterfly can't be done in 2 months is because

(5) Winter Butterfly isn't very cohesive. Hear Me/Epitaph are thematically consistent with My Suicide. Imogen is part of a series with Amnesia, Can't Let You Go, and Eternity. Sacrifice and Forgetting Me belong with Rivalry/Lies and Riverbanks/Decereus' Aria. Words Elude Me/The Meadow and Sarah Ann's Lullaby belong with To Save Him.

(6) I'm at a point where I kind of just want to move on. My plans in 2020 included remaking my old stuff one last time and finally putting those songs to rest. When I decided to come back to being a vocalo-p, my first instinct was to pick up where I left off. Especially since Winter Butterfly is turning 10 this year and I wanted to do some kind of 10 year edition. But when I started working on it, I was just overwhelmed.

So many songs on this album are divorced from their context. While recreating Sacrifice, for example, I found the songs that Sacrifice was created from: The Mystery Girl and the Kitten, Requiem, Opitus, and Family Secrets. Rather than put Sacrifice back into a Winter Butterfly remake, I think it would be more fulfilling to put it back into its original context, rather than release it with songs like Hear Me/Epitaph, The Bottom of the Lake, or Haunt Me.

Additionally, I turned 30 last October. The oldest lyrics on Winter Butterfly, The Bottom of the Lake, were written when I was 14. That's more than half my life ago! The earliest songs from this album (Sarah Ann's Lullaby, Forgetting Me, Sacrifice) have lyrics that were written when I was 18 and music that was written when I was 19.

From this point onward, I think I'm going to focus on new music. I'll probably integrate some remakes into future albums (like I'm doing with Spinster and the other unannounced song). But some songs need to be fully re-contextualized. Other songs just need to be completely broken down and their parts re-used.

If anyone was looking forward to this release, I'm sorry it ended up not working out. I hope the release of Phoenix and the upload of my discography will make up for it 🖤🖤🖤

🦋ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ॱ🖤ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅🦋

To anyone who's read this far: THANK YOU. I know that was a lot of text. Now here's some info on the song I'll be releasing on Friday :)

The Forbidden Fruit started out as a song called Whore. It took a lot of influence from symphonic and gothic metal artists who've incorporated Latin choirs, like Epica, Within Temptation, Evanescence, and Theatre of Tragedy. The Theatre of Tragedy song doesn't have a choir, but it still illustrates how ubiquitous Latin is in gothic metal.

The Lady Parsec demo of Whore was first shared on Youtube in 2018. The first demo vocalist was Miku, then it was changed to Cyber Diva. When I was researching Latin phrases, I accidentally used a fraternity's motto, leading to a necessity in replacing the Latin lyrics OTL

This year (2024), the lyrics were entirely rewritten to be more metaphorical and to utilize the characters/motifs that I've been introducing since my rebrand.

Lyrically, The Forbidden Fruit draws on many songs I've released in the past. Every day this week, I'll be uploading a demo that's either referenced in or a thematic precursor to The Forbidden Fruit. Since this is a post related to Winter Butterfly, the first demo I'll be sharing is the Winter Butterfly 2017 version of Blood and Wine.

🦋ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ॱ🖤ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅🦋

[writing-from-supernova]

“Did you mean what you said, back then? Do you... still think I should have stayed dead?”

A Wrightworth drabble I did a while ago. I actually still quite enjoy it, despite the awkward way I switched between whose mind we could read into at a given moment. It’s very sweet and very much will not be the last Wrightworth thing I write.

I wrote this before I finished Turnabout Revolution, so if there’s any weird statements that’s why. I think it would take place between Turnabout Revolution and Turnabout Time Traveler (though to be frank I haven’t finished Time Traveler, lol). I did edit at least one line to make sense given Revolution.

Words: 1.3k

Edgeworth stares out the window from his office as Chief Prosecutor. The Steel Samurai figure on the windowsill feels like an oppressive gaze, judging him for what he's about to do. He quietly turns the figure to face outside, then swivels around in his chair, glancing at the papers upon his desk.

Of course that oaf is late. How unlike him it would be if he were to be on time to something as important as th—

The door creaks open, and Edgeworth's finger quickly zips up to his glasses to adjust them. "I was wondering if you would ever arrive."

"What," the not-so-fresh-faced attorney says, "and reject a personal invitation from the Chief Prosecutor himself? Never." Phoenix grins, quickly taking a seat in front of Edgeworth and leaning forward attentively. "So, what was it you needed?"

Edgeworth clears his throat. "Right. So, I'd like your opinion on something." He turns some papers on the table to face Phoenix, then pushes them towards him. They're retirement papers.

"I've been thinking about early retirement. I've done a lot here, more than I can count, and I think it's time for a change. I simply wondered what you would think, as I value your opinion."

Edgeworth blinks up to look at Phoenix's face, only to find it frozen, staring at the documents. There's a short pause, and he knits his brows together. "Wright?"

Phoenix snaps out of it, shaking his head and taking a breath. He seems to smile out of habit, or maybe instinct, but it's clear to Edgeworth something is off. "Oh, I-I'm fine. I just... I suppose this reminded me of something from years ago."

"Oh?" Edgeworth tilts his head. "Pray tell. I'm curious."

"R-Really, it's not all that important now," Phoenix laughs, "but, it did bother me at the time. About the time when you..." His voice fades out. He looks everywhere around the room except at Edgeworth, as his words elude him. The prosecutor can make an educated guess as to what he's thinking.

"When I... disappeared?" Edgeworth suggests quietly.

"Aha, that's... that's it." Phoenix's forced smile finally leaves, replaced by something only reflecting sadness. "I think it reminded me of the letter you left."

"Mm." Edgeworth makes a sound in acknowledgement, but truthfully it feels like it's now his turn to have words elude him. He hides his gaze behind his intertwined fingers in turn upheld by his elbows on the desk. What is there to say about that time? An apology? He's already apologized for leaving without warning. For making Phoenix think he had...

"It would've been better for everyone if you never came back from the dead, Edgeworth!"

...

The words exit Edgeworth's mouth before he can really think about them. "Did you mean what you said, back then? Do you... still think I should have stayed dead?"

Phoenix physically reels from the question. Talk about a kick in the teeth... where did that come from? And why is he asking now...?

Well. Overdue is better than never, he supposes. Phoenix sighs, weighed down by the past. He stands, walking to face one of the walls adorned with examples of Edgeworth's achievement. He never once turns to face Edgeworth himself.

"...I don't want to lie to you. At the time, I did think that. I was... angry." Phoenix crosses his arms, secretly holding onto himself. "I didn't understand yet, how much pain you'd been in since the trial."

Edgeworth is silent.

"And— well, I know it was... if you'll forgive my language, Edgeworth, shitty of me to say. But it's how I honestly felt. And I'm sorry. I've learned a lot. Or, well, I like to think I've learned a lot, since then..."

Edgeworth is silent.

"Maybe I really haven't. I've been trying. Life's just been really chaotic for me since we really had a chance to talk. The disbarment, Trucy, the Wright Anything Agency, mentoring Apollo, the explosion, everything in Khura’in, it's, it's been so much, I hope you don't think I've been purposefully ignoring you, because I haven't, and I..."

Edgeworth is silent as he moves toward Phoenix, and he gently places a hand on his shoulder. Phoenix stops rambling only upon feeling his touch, and finally looks at him.

The prosecutor finally speaks. "If it means anything, Wright, I think you've learned a lot. Matured a lot, too. I..." He pauses to find the right word, the right word, not that word. "I respect you a lot. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you." To top his words off, he shows the tiniest of genuine smiles. "Thank you."

Phoenix, now wide-eyed like a cat, can barely believe what he's hearing. To hear all that out of Edgeworth's mouth... it's something he had only imagined in his head up until this point. His breath gets shallower. "Miles..."

And, without warning, he hugs him tightly. In the moment, Edgeworth has no idea how to handle it, feeling a buzz well up in his head. He hasn't moved an inch in response. Why is he...? What is Phoenix doing?

Edgeworth, still tensed up, awkwardly brings his arms around the attorney after some seconds have passed. He can't bring himself to stop... whatever this is, but he feels like he wouldn't want to, anyway. He thinks, have I gotten soft?

There isn't much time to process the question as Phoenix begins speaking again, from the depths of Edgeworth's shoulder. "Miles. I want to tell you something I've thought for... a-a long time, but you have to promise me you won't laugh."

Edgeworth raises an eyebrow. He keeps his grip on him, now firm and almost protective. "I won't laugh."

"...I r-really, really love you."

"I... what?" There's an initial wave of confusion, but surprisingly, it's followed by a feeling of contentment. A pang in his heart. Like this was the outcome he really wanted. Was it? Everything's gone cloudy in his usually clear mind.

Phoenix chuckles to rid himself of the awkwardness and anxiety, unsuccessfully. "D-Don't leave me hanging, here. I just... want to know how you feel."

...Maybe Edgeworth can use that word now. He never thought to tell him, figuring Phoenix's feelings for him were platonic, cut and dried. Though his mind is still blurred, this is one thing he feels sure deciding on. He holds him tighter and, in a low but inescapable voice, says...

"I love you, too."

Phoenix feels like he's about to faint. Oh god. His cheeks hurt, he can't stop grinning. "Aha... Miles... you're a lot sillier than you let on..."

"What? What's that supposed to mean...?"

"How many years has it been like this on your part? Did you really think I would reject you so badly that you decided to just not say it...?"

Edgeworth sputters briefly. "I could ask you the same thing. Perhaps we were both rather obvious about it from outsiders..."

"Are you kidding?" Phoenix laughs. "Maya and Trucy teased me about it all the time."

Edgeworth sighs. "And Franziska did the same with me. Gumshoe to a lesser extent."

"Gumshoe?"

"Yes... even him."

"Oh my god." With a smile that could part the heavens, Phoenix laughs again. Edgeworth can't help but to smile with him. Phoenix removes his face from the prosecutor's shoulder and looks up at him, a gleam in his eye. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Not like I have a choice."

"Don't be like that!" He giggles. "Listen... I want to kiss you. Can I?"

There's another pause. It almost seems like Edgeworth will say no, until, with his own little smirk, "It's may I, not can I."

"Oh my god, Miles..." He snorts. "Shut up. I love you." That's all the permission he needs, and after god knows how many years of dreaming about this, Phoenix finally kisses Edgeworth. And after god knows how many years of yearning for this, Edgeworth finally kisses Phoenix.

There's nothing left to worry about, here. Maybe Edgeworth won't retire just yet.

[nine-of-diamonds]

2, 6, 17?

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

stress & skizz! (for different projects lol)

6. the word that appears the most in your current draft (wordcounter.net can tell you)

in WTL, including names it’s “Tango,” excluding names it’s “just”

17. talk about your writing and editing process

oh boy lol i'm gonna ramble with this one

depends on the project! for fics i write by myself, i usually start with a vague concept/a few tropes i want to interweave, spend a while breaking down the main plot points with lil bullet points either in a physical notebook or the comment section of the draft doc (or both, since i wind up reworking things a lot). notably, i don’t usually plot scene by scene; i work out the pacing as i draft, which does mean i sometimes rewrite/rearrange scenes but i find it’s a lot easier to keep myself motivated on a project if it has the potential to surprise me along the way. usually, i wind up going through one or two draft doc transitions when i write myself into a wall lol, before finally finishing a fic. i have a habit of editing to get into the mood of writing, so by the time a draft gets finished, i don’t usually have to do much to do in my final pass beyond adding bits of foreshadowing and tweaking some wording here and there. inevitably, i always wind up messing with things a few minutes after i post the fic bc somehow the perfect wording for one bit always eludes me until after it’s been published lol

for projects i write with melon, it’s way more structured bc it would be a Mess otherwise lmao. a lot of our brainstorming process is just us “yes and…”ing each other until we have a basic arc nailed down. one of us writes all of it down on the worldbuilding doc if it’s for cthl, breaking it down scene by scene + pov, and then we just start writing by the outline. we don’t have official designations on who writes what or anything (the exception being that i write all mumbo scenes and melon writes all the keralis ones lmfao); we both just. write whenever and however much we can and the other person picks up afterwards. we both edit each other’s and our own scenes to make sure it all works + make sure we’re on the same page about everything, and before we publish, we both do final edits. generally, we follow the outline pretty closely, no mid-fic replotting as i'm wont to do by myself lmfao

[captaincassianandorr]

Survivor E07

-Sorry I missed capping the first bit but GERRY what are you doing? Are you going to infiltrate the villains and burn the bridges you made there? -It really does seem unfair to me to have one tribe stacked with challenge beasts and cheat code Shaun and the other not as stacked. It's no wonder the villains keep losing over and over. I'm not surprised at all though I'm betting we get a tribe swap/shuffle soon least I hope so -So sad to see the villains tribe "look at us," and the heroes have a HUGE tribe and the villains number just 7 :( -Lol Simon when will we learn what that "idol" is? -Lol love the code word "mango" and "papaya" we need to abort. Stevie may be crazy irl but he is entertaining -Simon's game has really not changed since Brains v.s Brawn has it? -Jordie is playing so much better this season!!! Go Jordie!! -He's just going to get blindsided with an idol instead -I do wonder if the duke it out later on comment is going to elude to something later -George says exactly what I was thinking that Gerry should've stayed with the villains. It's not like the heroes are going to want to keep him around. -Had to laugh at George saying the villains tribe is not a tribe of athletes. -HAHAHAA Jordie's face when Simon told him he can't vote for himself. -*eats popcorn during tribal* -Please tribe swap sooon :( -Simon just stop putting your foot in your mouth and annoying people. -Pointing out George didn't win is kind of rude. Of course he knows he didn't win -wait wwhat? An individual immunity challenge now? In the middle of tribal? -manufactured way to keep Simon and cause more drama and chaos? :) -firemaking challenge at least it's hopefully fair. I hope they learned to make fire lol -lol the pole jokes make me laugh "teasing that ring with his pole" -It is cute though that Simon said it's been a dream of his to win an individual immunity and that he was so proud of himself. -HAAHHAA GEORGE SAYING SIMON SAID THE PLAN WAS STEVE AND CAUSING A RIFT BETWEEN THEM -George telling Simon not to make the same mistakes he made in the outback -HAAHAHA DRAMA omg egoistical -thank you Jordie for saying we're not here to be assholes to one another -George gees this tribal council is hilarious with the backstabbing and threatening. -George telling Simon he is a dead duck. -it's a lose/lose for Simon lol. George is amazing in this tribal idk why it's so funny. -Steve has a point Simon could be going next(and probably will be) -George does not count! -and what where did that Fraser vote come from? I wish we had seen more of him it annoys me when contestants get a purple edit :(

[bandomgay]

THE ZANE LOWE INTERVIEW THOUGHTS ...

ALEX BEING CHEEKY ABOUT THE COMPLEMENTS PLS HES SO ❤️❤️❤️

zane is literally so sweet about how he approaches questions so differently from other ppl to Alex like I love the way he's adapting to Alex's personality and he makes Alex comfortable

Mirrorball and do I wanna know being the ones that set the stage for the album really shows and that really makes me think about Alexs love for the aesthetics of music and whether consciously or not and it kinda goes back to all am albums are essentially a place that you go to not only musically even though that's the art medium you r using to get there it's also visually a place and Alex knows that and he sees that actively while writing and reflecting

Zane pointing out JUST how sad mirrorball is AND RADIO WANTED TO CUT THE INITIAL INTRODUCTION and we learn (if you haven't already by inferring) that theres a relationship between the intro and "don't get emotional" like....that's fucking amazing like I was thinking it but him saying it blew my mind like reacting to music within music...and how it's represented in the video somehow gave me even MORE astounding love for mirrorball and what it means to me, genuinely a breathtaking detail

More speak of the unrealeased song!!!! Hopefully we get a b side maybe but usually it's released under singles so maybe not but we can hope since they're actively expressing interest in it

This may be way to opinionated sorry lol but Alex saying the end of the tbhc tour made him want to get back out there so like wildly getting that energy in and it sounds like he may have been going for a big studio stadium sound ("let's do summat BIG" , "all down strokes") it reminds me of Halsey if you guys keep up with them about their decision to go with the softer sounds of "If I can't have love" after realizing they were to caught up in their angst or the negativity of their life in a bad way which made it's way into their single "nightmare" and it reminds me of the end of the tbhc tour and it hurts to think about but I'm glad, even though all these songs are gut wrenching it's being put out in a healthy way now after reflection and there's a lot of talk of that in this interview sometimes subtle sometimes not

Also I think adding on the fact that Zane said it sounds like the band is fighting there way out of the songs but are not,if this isn't to far fetched kinda way reminds me of how reserved (prone to very outlandish/lh levels of self editing/self control)Alex is and how he's trying to combat that more recently (in interviews and in song) though they are small changes they make quite mighty strides in the long run

Love the ideas of the band itself being an instrument for something grander on this album it's like it's supporting an idea or a feeling and thats just how large that feeling is that the band itself is serving the songs and emotion

LOVE THE TALK OF BAND DYNAMICS LOVE THAT JAMIE IS STILL THE RASCAL DJJCJCJJDJCJDJJC them supporting Alex when he's doubtful about his ideas :')))) COOKIE MAKING THE BIG DECISIONS SINCE THE BEGINNING IS SO :)

Them talking about how crazy it was when it all first began even eluding to how stressful (even using the word traumatic which I agree with) that was being so young and having that much fame already Alex talking about how he literally doesn't remember playing the reading tent which is so :'(

ALEXS DEAD PAN "I think that were the intention" (or something along those lines) and Zane dying like u literally can tell if Alex is like being for real

ZANE BASICALLY TELLING HIM NOT TO BASICALLY RETREAT INTO HIMSELF WHEN ASKING HIM ABT MEMORIES IN A CAR ....Zane you bloody mindreader he knows fr (one of us! one of us one of us!)

MR SCHWARTZ STAYING STRONG FOR THE CREW.....love that Zane straight up asks who this is and Alex gives and very great metaphor that I actually got when I listened to it!!! Like I literally saw the same thing mentally like I imagined the crew putting the king's theater stage together when listening to it if that's weird idk (definitely something hidden in this metaphor)

THE RITZ TO THE RUBBLE BIT IS EVERYTHING TO ME..........OH MY GOD....A BIT BROADWAY ON THAT SONG HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!

And that concludes my mini analysis I hope u guys enjoyed reading that and have ur own thoughts u wanna send me or comment, sorry! if this post is too long I'm just :')

[pumpkinpaix]

a few notes on translation

hey everyone, in light of some of my recent posts (here and here) making the rounds, I’d like to say a few things.

first, I want to say that I am not interested in trying to find a satisfactory english translation of zewu-jun at this time. I know everyone means well and is sharing different ideas out of excitement. that’s great!! I’m very glad I could get you all to consider the complexity of the title and all the pitfalls that come with trying to translate it! however, I do not wish to receive any more suggestions on how to translate zewu-jun. as I said, forcing one language into the shape of another is never going to work perfectly. that’s the nature of the thing.

I understand the impulse and temptation to try to find words in your own language to describe something that you care about, of course I do. but sometimes, you won’t be able to find those words--perhaps they elude you, or perhaps they don’t exist at all. there’s a discomfort in that, I know, but I hope everyone reading this can forgive me for saying that I want you all to live in that discomfort. after all, I have lived here my whole life. when I speak to my family, I do so knowing that I am constantly interacting with them through translation. that no matter how good my english is, it will fail me when it comes time to transmute my thoughts into chinese words.

not gonna lie, it sucks.

It occurred to me sometime in college, I think, that many people don’t experience this: the inherent alienation of not sharing a native language or culture with your parents. I was fiercely jealous, suddenly. I think about all the times my mother and I failed to communicate because of this barrier. I think about all the times that failure hurt. it all felt very unfair.

in a sort of roundabout way, I suppose my current refusal to provide, or even search for, a simple translation of zewu-jun is my attempt to force some of you to experience this, just a little. the feeling of not being able to capture your thoughts in words. the feeling of not being able to communicate. maybe that’s unkind of me, I don’t know.

every time I translate seriously, I think about how lawrence venuti described the violence of translation:

My use of the word “violence” here has been questioned by a professional translator ... Yet if by this term we mean “damage” or “abuse”, then my use of it is neither exaggerated nor metaphoric, but precisely descriptive: a translator is forced not only to eliminate aspects of the signifying chain that constitutes the foreign text, starting with its graphematic and acoustic features, but also to dismantle and disarrange that chain in accordance with the structural differences between languages, so that both the foreign text and its relations to other texts in the foreign culture never remain intact after the translation process.

Translation is the forcible replacement of the linguistic and cultural differences of the foreign text with a text that is intelligible to the translating-language reader. These differences can never be entirely removed, but they necessarily undergo a reduction and exclusion of possibilities - and an exorbitant gain of other possibilities specific to the translating language. ... The aim of translation is to bring back a cultural other as the recognizable, the familiar, even the same; and this aim always risks a wholesale domestication of the foreign text, [oftentimes serving] as an appropriation of foreign cultures for agendas in the receiving situation, cultural, economic, political. Translation is not an untroubled communication of a foreign text, but an interpretation that is always limited by its address to specific audiences and by the cultural or institutional situations where the translated text is intended to circulate and function. [emphasis mine]

-- Lawrence Venuti, The Translator’s Invisibility, 2nd edition p.14 [line breaks added for readability]

it’s wordy, I know, but I think very important in a time when english is becoming/has become the world’s lingua franca, and brings with it its history of imperialism and colonialism. we have to acknowledge that the act of translation comes with violence, sometimes intentional, sometimes not. i don’t agree with venuti entirely--I think translation always damages, but does not always abuse. regardless, i have a very hard time taking this lightly, which is why I don’t do this for a job lol can you imagine.

i bring this up because it’s something that I want people to consider: that the very act of translation is violent. that the fact that we can experience this story at all is violent. that the constant search and demand for the “right” translation is, indeed, violent. that’s okay. it comes with the territory. i’m here too, and I’m glad to have met you. 💛 but I want us all to be able to acknowledge the fact that every time we talk about the source text in a different language, we are holding knives.

i obviously do not think that translation is bad, far from it. i think it’s wonderful and wondrous to be able to communicate across cultures and across time. i read mdzs in translation first, after all. I had to, much like most of you. without it, I would never have been able to experience this story that has become so important to me! translation, for all that it damages, also creates. it makes beautiful things. it is necessary. I love doing it, I love trying to find the right balance so that someone else can also fall in love with this thing I love.

whether or not you agree that translation is inherently violent is ultimately up to you: this is a philosophy, not a truth. I am not particularly well-versed in the discourse of translation. it’s possible that this is considered a truth in translation circles. as of writing this, I wouldn’t know. however, it is a philosophy that I subscribe to--it ensures that I keep my ego in check and reminds me that, like pretty much everything, translation is inevitably political and that it can have significant ramifications.

i want to end this by cycling back to the beginning of this post. all of the suggestions I’ve received are innocuous and well-meaning. I don’t want anyone to feel bad about sending them. i hope you don’t by the end of this post! like I said, I appreciate that they’re all coming from a place of enthusiasm and love. i promise you, I get it. but I won’t be responding to any others.

if you’ve gotten to this point, i urge you all to read @hunxi-guilai‘s notes on her translation process here. she and I have very similar approaches and concerns when we try our hand at mdzs/cql translations, even if we don’t come from or end up at the same place. Though we have a similar cultural background, we have very different wells of knowledge. she does things I can’t, and I do things she can’t. we prioritize differently. but in that post, you can see a practical application of what I’m trying to say here.

and finally, remember, like hunxi said in her disclaimer: we are human, subjective, and fallible. and, in this case, we are both american. do not take our word as law, do not assume that our heritage makes us experts, or gives us a pass. it’s vital to apply your own reasoning to our posts, including this one.

in summary, here is what I want to say: 1) translations will always fail, 2) translations are always violent, 3) the way many people in EN fandom continue to try and find “the perfect translation” for terms and names is part of that violence, 4) if you like the things I post and talk about, then I hope you’ll think about this too

thanks, everyone 💛

[comicteaparty]

March 21st-March 27th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from March 21st, 2020 to March 27th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What are some background details you know about your story that won’t ever actually come up in the main narrative?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh boy... So many in Whispers of the Past... The first—which I believe I've mentioned before—is that some of the characters' sexualities never really get brought up outside of some subtle subtext. For example, Ryukou is asexual aromantic, but he is married, and he honestly doesn't even know that being aroace is a thing. His wife, Maya, is bisexual, and her attraction to women is hinted at, but not explicitly said. The second background detail that will likely never make it into the main narrative is Kelan's grief after SPOILER the death of his wife. END SPOILER The story takes place years after this event, and yet he still hasn't completely recovered. That being said, it just never really comes up in the narrative, again, outside of subtext. Thirdly, Izrekiel actually has a dependency on physical contact and skinship, because of the lack of affection he was given as a child. This, once again, only really comes up in subtext and is hinted at through his actions, but it is never explained. Aaaaand finally, there is a lot of magical lore that is never explained even remotely. In the story, it is treated very much like a soft magic system, but there are some "harder" elements that go into explaining why certain things have happened, but... they are not actually explained in the story. More like... I know about them, and I can explain these things to anyone who cares to ask (edited)

Capitania do Azar

Oh I suppose that in https://www.sarilho.net/en/ I'm never gonna go in detail about the geopolitics, the different power structures or even how the main empire is structured. We may get hints at it, but it's not necessary for the story so I don't think I'm gonna include much. Details about characters' sexualities are prolly just gonna be hinted at mainly because they don't have the words to express them the same way we do Also I really care about the differences between the different languages and particularly between the spoken and written versions of these, but I can't find a way to have a character explain those just because so you'll have to figure it out through background information like posters and graffiti

sagaholmgaard

Ohh this prompt came at the right time because it's been on my mind lately!! In Reclaim, https://tapas.io/series/_Reclaim_ My two main characters, Albus and Styrka, are in a queerplatonic relationship, which they don't have the word for and it doesn't ever come up except in subtext. I'm trying to write them so that it really shows that they love each other, and everyone knows this, but there won't be a point were they "get together" so to speak because they already have everything they want between each other! And I'm very Soft for this but also nervous that when the story is finished people might feel let down that it doesn't end up in straight up romance? if that makes sense And there's a lot of history research I did that is contextually there but not mentioned in words. That's just one of those things where my knowledge is deeper than what shows in the comic, but I think the story is better for it :D (It's not historic fiction because I'm taking a lot of liberties, but the research is helpful all the same)

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

One of the paladin/church knight's gay, but it never comes up, because, you know, marriage in their world's decided by the parents, because it's a matter of inheritance and heirs not love. He's married, and actually decent friends with his wife and children, but he's taking his oaths seriously. So he never even mentions the people's he's attracted too.

There are openly gay couples in the story, it just didn't work out for him; his family needed that alliance.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

In Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/) I have two gods that drive the entire story. But seven other gods existed at one point in time. I will be delving into at least two other gods’ stories - as a good background for why the remaining two are in such a tumultuous relationship - but there are five others that I don’t really plan on writing about in great detail. Their symbols and names may pop up in various texts/decorations/etc, but there’s not enough time for a super detailed character study of each. Perfect for side stories, though

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Rainy Day Dreams (http://rainydaydreams.mariahcurrey.com/) takes place in an alternate dimension and the plot deals mostly with interdimensional travelers, but the world is post first interstellar contact also. Only the story isn't a sci-fi so there's no real reason to talk about how robust their space program is and there are already monsters so there's no easy way to tell who's a native and who's and alien.

eli [a winged tale]

Whoa Mariah that sounds fun! I love how everyone’s worlds are complex and in depth and there are clues within the story

Would these details be part of another project/side stories/lorebook? What’s everyone’s plans for these secrets

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

My secrets are basically just stewing in my brain I mean, I guess if a reader ever asked, I'd spill all the secrets, but so far, that hasn't happened.

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

same lmao

I guess a background detail the comic won't get into is how the imagery in Cara's dream became promiment before her dream boyfriend came to the picture. I did wrote a prequel where she was having dreams of her late grandma who's stories got super visual in her head. Most of the events she told to Cara were from late 70's Vietnam.(edited)

some of those dreams and nightmares were partly inspired from my parent's part growing up in the time, such as my dad encountering a ghoulish corpse with his grandpa and my mom actually building things from a hut in the jungle

so yeah lmao. ghost story dreams

eli [a winged tale]

Mariah I’m curious about non-scifi parallel universe space program alien monsters are they more the reasoning for how the story exists but you won’t be going into depth with them? (Ie not a plot twisty thing?)

Ghost story dreams and parallel places in real life sound like a good atmosphere/mood element in your story!

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

yeah lmao. I wasn't sure how to add it but Cara does mention about her grandma's story in future chapters (if my hands let me draw faster lolol). but as a small tibit. Maybe I'll sit down and write more as a side story lol

eli [a winged tale]

Side stories sound like a great way to showcase more of the world

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

I'll consider it lolol

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Mariah I’m curious about non-scifi parallel universe space program alien monsters are they more the reasoning for how the story exists but you won’t be going into depth with them? (Ie not a plot twisty thing?)

They're just kind of an additional details that I came up with while thinking about the world. The planet itself I decided a long time ago is Eart but like 100,000 years in the future so the tectonic plates have shifted and the continents are different. The setting is kind of a mix of old-timey and futuristic, but also mixed with magic so the lines between what is technology and what's just supernatural are already pretty blurred. So since it's already sort of a futuristic society I thought it would just be a neat addition to also have had aliens either have shown up or been discovered. I also figured that since the world is super used to inter-dimensional travelers they probably wouldn't be super freaked out to life from off-planet since they already know they aren't alone in the multi-verse? X'D but this stuff really doesn't have any baring on the main story. Like it might be something Mara tells Tristin as some point to blow her human mind. I just like to dig into little setting corners and make tunnels readers probably won't ever see X)

eli [a winged tale]

Ooh that sounds really neat! A big world to discover for the attentive readers

DanitheCarutor

Oh I got some stuff! 1. Part of this can be spoilers for future scenes, so I'm putting it behind a thing. SPOILER Apollo's origin. He was adopted and while at some point him and Julian discuss his parents briefly, it never really comes up in the main narrative. Apollo himself doesn't really care much since he was adopted as a baby and doesn't even know who they are outside of a picture that was given to him as a kid. Essentially they were an Irish couple who moved to the states, the father died at some point and the mother followed close behind during childbirth. There weren't any known relatives, at least ones that wanted to him, so Apollo went into the system and was lucky enough to be adopted almost immediately. END SPOILER 2. Julian's origin. This is kind of brought up briefly later on, but Julian doesn't really know where they're from so nothing much comes of it outside of remembering small bits of how their life was before being found. Although it is eluded to what the situation possibly could have been. 3. Julian's real age and date of birth. Since they didn't have any kind of ID the doctors had to guess their age, which isn't an important detail for the story so I don't see a point in adding it. 4. The details of what happened at Hopeful Hands. This place is discussed a lot, but the talk is more about the trauma that was inflicted and how to move on, rather than lingering on the details. Although enough of what happened is brought up to get a good picture of what kind of place it is/was. I figured laying it all out would be a little too much, and would take away from the main point of the story. 5. The lives of Apollo's friends. There are a couple side character who get fleshed out a bit later on, but since the story isn't about them I didn't see a need in showing more than what is necessary.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Hmm... there's certainly quite a few things that don't show up in the main narrative. Like Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R is very much the Mizuki show, very few other characters get deep explorations into their backstories. But, like, that's what the short stories are for. As for things that never show up in the series at all... the only ones I can think of are the history of the world (because, like, it's pretty boring) and the specifics of how certain technology works. Like, I have a list of people & companies that various locations in the series were named after, and a list of the dynasties in the Giduli Kingdom. There's... not really any interesting stories there, it's just a dry list, so it's not something really worth caring about. And, like, saying "FTL travel in this world works by traveling to a parallel universe where everything is exactly the same except half as big" is kinda interesting I guess... but there's no reason for any character to mention it, and that specific detail really isn't relevant to the story besides "there is FTL travel in this world".

Feather J. Fern

Oh man, for Teasday, any detail about what the actual background of the story is. It's mostly character driven, if the characters don't care, or don't know, they don't talk about it. For Go Figure, I think no one is going to be told anything about the other battles in the past but they did happen.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

There are so many stories I have built into the backstories of various characters that probably won't come up in the main work but have thought about making other adjacent comics about. For example I could imagine doing a prequel type thing about Joe's life & exploits

Since he is a cool character but unfortunately dead for this entire story

AntiBunny

In AntiBunny, http://AntiBunny.net/ I can't think of any reason to bring up the fact that Runo is asexual. Juju is also bisexual, and that also never comes up.

Desnik

Right now it's the warlock's magic system. I got it all worked out and then it suddenly had nothing to do with my plot.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

I think sexuality details are easier to work in than a lot of people expect. You don't need a character to stand up and announce Have I Mentioned That I Am Asexual Today -- it can be an offhand mention that not all your readers will even pick up on. (But the ones who are looking for it will notice.) https://leifandthorn.com/comic/family-deserts-4-33/

What I've teased but never been able to work into Leif & Thorn canon (yet?) are the details of the World's Largest Cheese Sculpture.

There's also a lot of country names and flags in the bank that haven't shown up yet...but I'm about to draw scenes from a big international song competition, so I'm probably gonna need even more than I already have.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

TBH as an ace person, I don't really pick up on these things. It has to be more concrete for me. Kudos for those who do pick up on them and find them validating, though.

The cheese sculpture sounds epic.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Ahhh, that's what "reading the comments section to check out other people's theories" is for!

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I do that, but I don't consider that canon until the actual comic convinces me

It's also not something we creators can rely on, especially those of us who don't get many comments...

I'm not saying this is bad. Offhand mentions are great, just not concrete proof for everybody (and nothing is for everybody, sooooo).

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Yeah, as a reader I like a lot of comics that don't get many comments...but it's cool when they do and there are people coming up with things.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

So I get it if a fellow creator finds it difficult to show that a character is ace -- like, maybe they're like me and they want Concrete Proof rather than an indication.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

But the creator would already have concrete proof, right? Since it's their character. And the idea is that, even if it won't reach all readers, the indications are still better than nothing.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, like I said, they're not bad to have.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

(for reference, the comic I linked above isn't the first offhand-mention related to that character, it's just the point when readers started putting it together)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from slipping in those indications. Just saying different strokes for different folks.

DanitheCarutor

Reminds me of a comic I read called 'WANDERING' (https://tapas.io/series/wandern), the main male character in it is ace, although this is never stated out right in the story. At some point readers were speculating about his sexuality due to some hints, although I was totally oblivious. Didn't have any idea where the discussion came from. I do agree that a reader is more likely to pick up on something if they're looking for it though, as someone who doesn't care too much about a character's sexuality and gender (when those subjects aren't important to the story) I don't pick up on then unless the author holds my hand a little. Although when it comes to one of my character's genders it's never stated in my comic either, someone just asks about pronouns and attire later on and that's it. Kind of ironic. Lol

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'm in a similar boat. Most of my characters' orientations are left ambiguous. I may need to drop an additional hint or two for some of them...

DanitheCarutor

Pfff right? I don't think my comic even had the word 'gay' in it until a few pages ago and I'm already into chapter 5. (to be fair, Apollo's sexuality is pretty obvious. The hits are really unsubtle.) I've thought about making my character's gender more easy to read for oblivious people like me, but that part of the comic is more about what makes them feel good in their own skin rather than putting a title to it. So people who miss my Twitter posts and author's comments can just speculate for themselves, I guess.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I can respect that. For me, a big part of the reason I'm wanting to put more hints is because I don't want people to accuse me of.... what people accused Legend of Korra about (I didn't watch it, but I did see some of those complaints)

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Ah... The good ol' "why is she randomly bi?"

They didn't do a good job of showing it throughout the series up until that point at the end

But, big but, the creators mentioned that she was always intended to be bi, but they were afraid that Nickelodeon wouldn't let them represent a bi character on TV.(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Again, coming from someone who hasn't watched it, I feel like the complaint should be "why is she suddenly in love" rather than "why is she suddenly bi" -- same issue with shoehorned in straight romance

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

That too

These characters were fighting over the same man at some point

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

big shrug indeed, it sounds like

DanitheCarutor

Oooh! I thought it was the "stop the show to announce my gender/sexuality" thing. I never saw the show either and didn't see many of the complaints since I don't hang out on social media very often. Lol @keii’ii (Heart of Keol) That's understandable! With how stuff like that is nowadays it's better to be safe and make sure readers know, rather than not make it known till the last possible minute. It does kind of suck if putting in bigger hints doesn't mesh with will your story though.

Gosh, about the Korra thing, they could have dropped some subtle pick up lines in while fighting over the dude. But not wanting your show to get pulled or not wanting to be denied stuff is understandable.

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

oh yeah, the LoK convos about Korra and Asami. I watched the show during that time and it's just rip

Nick said to the creators they will pull the show if there's an explict statement that Kora and Asami being BI

so they had to be lowkey as hell in the end, which at the time of 2013-2014? idk the year

it was a steping stone for american cartoons I guess rip

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, and even though LoK aired back when things were a little different.... honestly I still feel that kinda pressure from EVERY angle, just a different flavor of it.

Tuyetnhi (OIYD!)

yea

DanitheCarutor

Well, last minute LGBT+ is better than none. Now there are a few shows like that, right? SU is super into it? (I don't watch this show either so I'm guessing based on fan discussion) and the MLP final dropped in some last minute stuff.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I have at least one character with cross orientation, and that's really awkward to show when I don't wanna put any... sex in the comic. (It's got lots of juvenile "tee hee butts" kinda stuff, but nothing steamy)

AntiBunny

Other tidbits I've thought of that I couldn't really address without just dropping a big exposition bomb are bits of lagosapien biology. They for instance have a shorter adolescence than humans, so they're shorter, but reach adulthood sooner. Their eyes are a bit wider than a human's, giving them a wider field of view, but less depth perception, and that they have higher muscular density, but being about half the size are on average human, are a little weaker than an adult human.

eli [a winged tale]

I know some webcomics have world lores and character notes at the end of each chapter

mathtans

Oh, things that don't show up? Randomly I'll toss in here that Expona is left handed. (Mostly consistently, I may have slipped up in the art once or twice.) Never something that makes sense for characters to talk about though, and not plot relevant, so... does that qualify? I dunno.

Joichi / Sarah

@Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn) sorry I'm late but I like the way you point out about asexuality. I was thinking of how to show concrete proof one's ace. But most of the time, I can pick up 'emotional signs' if it has inner monologue about romance.

The hard part of it, is being one myself, and it's always 'been like this' but in comic, it has to be said somewhere

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Ah, good to hear!

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

And yeah, that was my intention, encouraging people who feel stuck between "explicit announcement" or "nothing at all" to remember that you have in-between options. And if you take that approach, there's all kinds of creative/offbeat/fun things you can do with it.

(Applies to everything else, too, sexual orientation just happens to be the thing people were talking about when it came up.)

[gospelofrook]

For Just a Moment

Pairing: The wonderful and beautiful Deputy Lila O’Cain x Deputy Staci Pratt

Word Count: 1656

Summary: The signs of all the pain Jacob had put Deputy O’Cain and Pratt through still lingering in the air of the Whitetail Militia bunker grow to be too much, Lila takes matters into her own hands. What ensues might just be what they both need to get them through the tough times ahead. 

Note: I want to thank fc5 birthday bash giftee @far-cry-all-the-time a million times over for having the patience of a saint as I tried to get this out at a reasonable time and forgive me when it’s late. I ended up having more editing and revising then I thought to get it to where I (kinda) liked it. lol Anyway, I hope to god this fic doesn’t disappoint. I hope I did Lila justice, too. She is such a wonderful Dep, and I love her. Big thank you goes to @edensgay as well for putting on this wonderful event for the community. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. This is exactly why I live and breath for this community and I love you all. Hope everyone had a happy #fc5birthdaybash

Warnings: (Just for safety) Emotional baggage, remembering trauma, swearing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  

Pratt sat in his seat in quiet contemplation as what few lights the bunker had hummed their annoying and static tone. For the most part, he was alone in a large room he could only assume was meant to be a common living space, the distant sounds of voices mixed in with the static as the Whitetails that gave him shelter went about their business down distant hallways. On a ratty couch opposite him, Lila his fellow deputy, lay in sleeping. He envied her as his own slumber eluded him, memories of his time in Jacob’s presence bombarded his mind and refused him solace. But all of that quickly dissolved as he watched her face contort as she shifted in place, beads of sweat streaming down her face. Pings of guilt replaced his envy as he remembered that same look from behind the bars of a cage as he stood helplessly watching the effects of Jacob’s ‘conditioning’ take its hold on her. The degradation of the body and mind of the woman he grew fond of, and admittedly thought of intimately more than once, ate at him like an infection.

The weak must be culled… Only the strong survive.

The words pricked at his mind like pins, constantly nagging at him. Weak… Strong… Jacob ‘trained’ her into his definition of the latter. Or at least enough for his ends. Dragging her through the dirt and beat her down to get her there. She was strong, she survived.

And where does that leave him? A man meant to be culled, or should have been, yet here he is.

“Hey,” came a soft voice from the couch, breaking him from his dark thoughts. Looking up from his spot next to the door, Pratt’s eye met the beautiful green gaze looking back at him. Lila gingerly leaned up into a sitting position, her body feeling stiff and sore like she hadn’t slept for weeks. “Did you get any sleep?”

Pratt cleared his throat and looked away, “It’s… It’s been a long night.”

Lila’s lips formed into a thin frown. “Nightmares getting to you, too?”

“Among other things,” Pratt replied in a somber tone without looking back up at her. With a deep inhale, he ran his fingers over his face to wipe away his tiredness. His fingers eventually ran over the scar on the right side of his face. Rook saw the flicker in his eyes as his hand lingered on it for a moment. “Jacob... He took me on one of his hunts weeks back. Once we killed the deer, he had me skin it.” His voice cracked a bit at the end. Pratt’s gaze rose to met Rooks and, for a moment she could sense a flurry of conflicting emotions within it. “Before I could even finish, the deer vanished. No, transformed. It changed into a cougar. I… I couldn’t process what happened. Still can’t. I-I don’t know what to believe anymore, Rook. Even when you found me… I thought you were just a trick of the mind.” His voice trailed off, face twisting into a jaw-clenching frown.

Rook knew the implications of that statement. The thought that Pratt hadn’t slept soundly since their return to the Whitetail bunker tore her apart, but she hated hearing the thoughts that wreaked havoc on his mind keeping him from getting sleep even more.

Rook leaned back in the sofa and ran her hand over her forehead, pushing aside stray hairs from her face. “Fuck.” The word slipped from her lips in a harsh whisper. Her mouth felt dry and her mind at a loss for words. What was she supposed to say? Was there anything she could say? She thought none of this would happen. It shouldn’t have. How did a simple arrest come to this?

With a sigh, Rook stood and stepped toward Pratt, offering her hand to him. He returned her offer a questioning look.

“Come,” she spoke with the softest voice she could muster, gesturing for him to follow her as she grabbed a lantern off the table near the doorway and began making her way through. “We’ve spent too much time already sitting around sulking in this stuffy bunker. I think it’s about time we take a little time to ourselves, get a little fresh air, you know?”

“And go where?” Pratt asked.

“Trust me. I know the perfect place.” Rook replies with a wide grin.

----

As the pair stepped out of the door of the bunker out into the night, Lila in the lead, the cool night breeze swept down to greet them. A stark change, albeit a welcome one, from the stuffy suffocating warmth of the bunker. Though the moon cast the world around them in dim blue light, the transition from the well-lit hallway they came from was blinding. Fumbling for a moment, Lila turned on the small gas lantern and held it out before her.

“All right then, follow me. It shouldn’t be far from here.” Lila said as she continued forward. Pratt followed closely behind her as she led them up the path that led to the ridge just above the bunkers main door.

Within minutes, the pair arrived at their location. There, near the edge of the ridge line looking out over a good portion of the Whitetail mountains area, was a pair of fold-out chairs nestled next to a small fire pit. A small radio sat at the foot of the chairs on top of a cooler.  Rook, without so much as breaking her stride, stepped around one of the chairs, placed the lantern on the cooler beside the radio, and stepped towards the cliff. Her hands found their resting place on her hips and she took a deep breathe in as she took everything in. Curiously, cautiously, Pratt followed suit and took a place beside her.

“What, what are we doing here?” Pratt asked as he shifted from side to side, scanning the darkness around them just outside of the lanterns reach.

Lila places her hand gently on his shoulder, feeling the tense muscles in them as he turned to look back at her. Without so much as a word, she tilts her head and motions to take a look out at what is in front of them. Pratt broke away from his paranoid surveillance and looked out over the cliff side. Out before them was the whole of Hope County’s beautiful landscape, dimly illuminated under the moonlight. Home lights sporadically dotted the forested hills and valleys like Christmas lights. A sight laid out before them that he hadn’t seen in so long. Not since that fateful helicopter ride weeks prior. It was hauntingly familiar yet distinctly different from what he remembered before recent events. Before Jacob; before the cult.

“Eli would pull me out here in weeks leading up to his passing.” The memories of the past few weeks rushed back to her mind, her heart felt so heavy. “Back when I felt alone, stranded, and in the dark. At my lowest. Jacob had taken so much out of all of us. Taken almost all of what we had. Food. Weapons… People. He thought it’d be best to get me out to breath. It was in taking me here that he showed me something that had become so clouded.”

“I just have one question for you,” Lila continued, “When you look out there, what is it that you see?”

“What do I see,” Pratt repeated the question, not quite sure how he wanted to approach the question. “I see Hope County, but it’s… different. A place I once thought I knew, but now I am not so sure. It has changed, Lila. It has become weak. Dying.”

Lila could feel her heart grow heavy with every word he spoke. With all that they have been through, all of the horrors and atrocities that Jacob inflicted on him—on both of them— it was little wonder his view on the world changed. Didn’t hers do the same? Wasn’t it because of her that this all happened in the first place? For a moment, she stood there contemplating over his words and her own thoughts. Pings of guilt and shame poked at her. No, come on now Lila. She thought to herself. This is what you brought us here for wasn’t it?

“You know what I see?” Lila asked as she looked back over the landscape. “People, in spite of the overbearing presence of harm and death, choosing to remain and fight those that would bear that down on them. Together they fight for what they are and what is theirs. A good life, a family, an earnest living. Together.”

“Listen to me, Pratt. You are strong. We are strong, we survived.” Lila said with conviction as she gently placed her hand onto his shoulder. 

“What do you mean? I only survived because you rescued me from the bunker.”

“And I only survived that fucking hell hole of a vet center because of you. You risked everything to get me out. I could not have gotten out of that on my own. Jacob is dead because he wasn’t strong enough, he had no one to back him up. Not even his own family…” Tears began to run down Lila’s face as all the emotions she held back began to flow out. “We are strong, we survived together! We are meant for this world. Meant to help it. Together!”

Instinctively, Pratt wrapped his arms around Lila’s shoulders and pulls her close. She belongs to me, Pratt thought. The way she melts at his touch, melts into him. He knew. Her heart, her mind, her strength, all that she is belongs to him. Not to Jacob, or to Joseph, or to anyone else. Just to him, just as much as he belongs to her. And above all else, she felt the same way. Just at that moment the world seemed right.

[dictacontrion]

L, N, & O for the ask meme!

Hi @gracerene09!! Thank you for these!!!

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting? 

As many as I have time for, lol. But actually, this is one of several reasons why I need deadlines. I both am kind of a perfectionist and genuinely love detailed word-level type thinking about writing and will edit endlessly if given the chonce. So, deadlines. In which case, usually one or two, depending on how much it needs. Occasionally more, if my beta sends it back and straight up says it isn’t working and needs a deep overhaul, but one or two would be most typical.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you? 

There are fics I wish I had already finished - does that count? The one that comes to mind is my fandom trumps hate, which is like between a third and halfway done, and I know exactly how the ending looks, but getting from point a to point b eludes me for reasons I don’t fully understand (though I think (a) I tried to architect where I should’ve gardened and need to get back to it without weddedness to my outline, and (b) I need to write it in a geographically different place, like need to go on vacation and write it surrounded by the natural world) and it sort of hangs out with me as this low level guilt because it’s been...um, a while? And I actually really like the idea?? And want, on every level, for it to be finished? But I don’t want someone else to write it, I just want to have written it already and for it to magically be complete. 

That and my like 19 Moneymaker sequels, just because I want to read them.

O: How do you begin a story-with the plot or the characters? 

Neither! I begin with a concept, question, feeling, image, or some combination thereof. When I sit down to write, I’m way more invested in the reader than I am in the plot or characters, and the plot and characters are a way of saying something to - sharing something, some experience, some idea, some emotion with - the reader. So I start there and then think about what to do with the plot and characters in order to get there! 

Fic asks!

[ryukoishida]

Quan Zhi Gao Shou | King’s Avatar Fic: In which Yingjie comforts Yifan in the best way he knows how.

Title: The Garden that We Planted Fandom: The King’s Avatar / Quan Zhi Gao Shou Character(s)/Pairing(s): Gao/Qiao (Yingjie/Yifan) Rating: M Summary: He’s always the first person that Yifan seeks out — whether it’s a serious issue that they have to discuss over, or just a silly joke he wants to share — and Yingjie doesn’t want that to ever change between them. So, he holds him closer until there’s nothing left. A/N: Literally just some fluffy/hurt/comfort PWP. That’s it.

---

It has all started with an innocent embrace, back in the days when they still have no idea where it’ll eventually lead to — at least, that’s what Gao Yingjie thinks, and he can hardly think straight when all his senses are currently focused on the warm body trembling in his arms.

The first time they locked into a tight hug was after they’d broken the record of a high-level dungeon as a team, their laughter bubbling out of them like spring from the ground.

And there have been other instances too — not all of them happy ones — when Yifan initiates embraces like that: when he has an especially bad day during training, when he misses his family so much that the emptiness in his chest hurts. The touches are so natural yet intoxicating, like the sharp, lingering taste of sweet wine that makes them light-headed and their hearts beating strong and steady.

The seed has long been planted since they first met.

“Yifan… Yifan, what’s wrong?”

Yingjie slips his hand to the back of his friend’s head and sifts gentle fingers through his unruly locks, a gesture that always seems to soothe him down. Yifan doesn’t speak, only tightening his arms around the other man’s waist, making it a bit hard for Yingjie to breathe, but that’s okay, too.

The young man buries his face deeper into the crook of Yingjie’s neck, his parched, slightly cracked lips touching the sensitive skin there, hot breaths branding unspoken need that sends a crack of lightning down Yingjie’s spine.

“Yingjie…”

He feels more than hears the syllables of his name — the bitter desperation and helplessness in the way he calls out for him — and Yingjie breaks down, pulling himself away just far enough to lean back into a kiss, a little rougher than usual, teeth biting tenderly into Yifan’s lower lip and earning him a stifled moan as Yifan’s grasp on him tenses.

He’s always the first person that Yifan seeks out — whether it’s a serious issue that they have to discuss over, or just a silly joke he wants to share — and Yingjie doesn’t want that to ever change between them.

So, he holds him closer until there’s nothing left.

Yingjie doesn’t know why Yifan is feeling down, but he knows what he needs to do to alleviate that dark, haunting cloud of negativity, even if it’s only for the time being.

When they part from the heated kiss, the breaths hitched, lips swollen and spit-shine, and their foreheads touching, Yifan lowers his gaze and starts uncertainly, “C-can you—”

“Anything you want,” Yingjie breathes, dragging his thumb delicately across Yifan’s flushed cheek and his eyes flutter close at the sensation, because it’s true: he will give him everything he wants, until the day he doesn’t need him anymore, and Yingjie hopes that day will never come.

Yingjie maneuvers them until the back of Yifan’s knees hits the edge of the loveseat in Yingjie’s dimmed dorm room, and Yingjie pushes him on the shoulders, signaling him to sit down. He climbs up after him, effectively straddling Yifan and making sure he stays put when he lowers his head and continues from their previous kiss, this time much softer, merely playful nips that make the other man chuckle and gasp, his arms wrapping more snugly around Yingjie’s waist in an attempt to pull him closer.

His mouth wandering lower, Yingjie scatters kisses down his neck, pulling the collar of Yifan’s shirt far enough for him to suck on a spot of his shoulder until he feels the body beneath him shudder with pleasure, his head thrown back, and the part of the skin where Yingjie’s lips have touched blooms red and violet.

“Ying…jie…” Yifan’s voice is as unsteady as his hands as they travel shakily from his shoulders, sliding down to his chest and grabbing a fistful of his shirt when Yingjie’s kisses become more unforgiving, leaving marks that can be easily hidden by clothing.

“Yeah?” he murmurs but doesn’t stop his ministrations, continuing to kiss and lick his way down Yifan’s chest once he lifts the hem of his shirt higher as he moves further down his friend’s frame.

When Yifan doesn’t reply immediately, Yingjie pauses to look up at him, the sight of his friend sprawled on his couch, one hand in Yingjie’s hair, the other held in a fist by his side, and his cheeks flushing a lovely shade of pink is almost enough to make Yingjie lose his composure.

“Yifan, you doing okay?”

Yifan nods, forelocks falling into darkened blue eyes, making it even harder to discern his thoughts, and then he starts, voice cracking slightly, “Yingjie, you don’t — you don’t have to do this.”

‘You can tell me I’m selfish. You can tell me this is not okay, that this is crossing the line. You can tell me—’ The words swirl in Yifan’s head like an endless storm, but Yingjie’s response puts it to an abrupt rest.

“I know,” Yingjie grins up at him, green eyes bright and understanding, “but I want to.”

Then he freezes when he considers the possible implication of Yifan’s words, “U-unless you’re not feeling up for it anymore, which is fine. Do you want me to stop? I can, umm—” He tries to untangle himself from his friend, but he feels Yifan’s legs wrapping even more tightly around him than before, forbidding him to move away.

“I want you,” Yifan says quickly, and then bites his lower lip and turns his head away, his cheeks tainting a darker crimson. “Always.” It’s even softer, the word slipping out of his mouth like it isn’t meant to be known, like it’s a secret, and then it’s gone.

“Okay,” Yingjie settles between Yifan’s legs again, a soft smile grazing the line of his lips as he kisses Yifan’s cheek. “Okay.”

And they keep going from there, gradually returning to their previous rhythm.

The belt is removed, and his jeans and underwear are pushed down to his ankles. Yifan runs his fingers through Yingjie’s dark hair, and with their eyes locked onto each other’s, Yingjie lowers his head, kissing the head and licking the precum leaking from his slit.

Their shared gaze makes everything seem that much more intimate, and Yifan finds it impossible to tear his eyes away from the way Yingjie’s mouth stretches around his length, his eyes half-lidded and darkening when he hears Yifan’s whimpers, and hands keeping Yifan’s trembling thighs apart. The velvet heat and playful licks are unbearable, but not seeing Yingjie like this — on his knees and being so delicate and loving yet dominant — is even more so.

The wet, delirious sound of Yingjie’s sucking is amplified and echoes by Yifan’s ears, and combined with the flames that are starting to spread from the pit of his stomach, the tension of teetering between tangible logic and eluding passion is causing Yifan to lose what little control he still has.

“Y-yingjie… ah…” he tries to warn him, breaths ragged and shallow, but his mind is in chaos and his mouth cannot form words except for the broken syllables of the one name that can set his heart ablaze and his soul at ease. Instead, he pulls on Yingjie’s hair attempting to signal him, but the slight pain and pleasure from the hair-pulling only seems to drive him on as he sucks Yifan with more fervor, nails digging into Yifan’s thighs hard enough to leave half-moon impressions on his supple skin.

His jaw is starting to ache, but Yingjie can tell that Yifan is close, and he wants to see him come undone, knowing that he’s the one who causes this, the only one who gets to see this side of him.

In the heat of the moment, Yingjie removes his hand from the other man’s leg and entwines his fingers with his friend’s, and when Yifan opens his eyes blearily at that realization — that Yingjie will be there to catch him when he falls — he allows himself to let go, the sound of Yingjie’s name broken and sweet on his tongue.

Yifan hasn’t told him what’s happened afterwards, but it’s enough for Yingjie to know that, at least for now, he’s still needed when Yifan feels like he may be falling apart.

Whether the seed planted all those years ago will grow into a garden of beautiful flowers or swallowed by twisting vines, only time can tell.

---

A/N: What a shitty ending, LOL! This wasn’t meant to be longer than 1K, yet here we are. BTW, I don’t advertise this too much but I might as well start doing it now: I do writing commissions, as well as editing and translation services. So if you’re interested in any of those, please check out the pages and contact me!

[starvonnie]

I want you to answer all the fanfic questions because I love your writing and want to know more about it!!! But if that is too much, than just the first 10

Dude.  Not only do I love talking about myself, I ESPECIALLY love talking about my writing, so fuck yeah I’ll answer them all.1: When did you start writing?I distinctly remember writing stories as early as age 7 (I loved creative writing in school so much) but I can’t recall if I ever wrote anything outside of school projects, so I’m not sure that counts.  I DO remember writing stuff for fun when I was 12.2: How many different fandoms have you written for?That I can remember?  Just three.  The first being Warrior Cats, then My Little Pony (though it was very few), but the only one I’ve written fanfiction for that I’ve actually posted online is for Transformers.3: If applicable, do you think your writing has improved a lot or a little since you first started writing?Oh, definitely.  Both in general and since I started posting my fics online.  I have an old FF account (good luck finding me :P) with very disjointed stories full of plot holes, and even my early stuff on AO3 seems really bad to me now.4: What was the first fic you wrote?The first fic I can remember writing was a Warrior Cats thing full of my own OC’s that I had my mother edit (YEAH, I SHOWED MY MOM MY SHITTY FANFICTION) and I even had it printed and like professionally bound with those round plastic edged things people use for reports and whatnot.  Tbh, I miss being so unbashedly proud of my writing.  I would let other people read and edit it, trying to improve.  Of course, I’m not going to show my mom my fics where Megatron and Rodimus bork but I can’t even bear to be in the same room as someone reading my fics without feeling like I’m going to DIE even if they’re doing nothing but praising me.5: What is your favorite fic you have written?Honestly?  Two Factions.  There’s just something really freeing about writing some so self-indulgent and grandiose.  I also really enjoy the world-building aspect and taking a different approach to how becoming a Prime works.  Plus, I get to make Megatron say really gay things and make everyone use SWORDS.  It’s also fun to re-imagine a familiar work through new characters and a new setting (I started pretty close to the original Romeo and Juliet but the end is quite different, in my opinion).What really stands out for this fic, though, is that I have @justroddythings beta’ing everything and I wrote and edited a bunch of chapters before I started posting so I had the liberty to change things I didn’t like without disrupting the canon I’d already made (and fix any continuity errors.... like where I had a character bust his sword and then he inexplicably had it two chapters later [it’s because the scene from that chapter was one of the first I’d written, but I still gotta fix it]).  6: Which character of yours has been your favorite to write?It’s a toss-up between Rodimus and Starscream.  They’re quite similar in their “put on this personality” while being miserable on the inside.  It leads to fun and snarky scenes that can dissolve into breakdowns where they need to be comforted (which is when I throw their love interest in).  But man... writing these two together is equally fun and intimidating, but I love writing them as mutual supports for each other.  Whether that means one is more stable and supporting the other, or both of them are breaking down but can offer the other things like “I understand, and you’re going to be okay” and that let’s THEM know that they’re going to be okay.7: Which character of yours do you most identify with (if any)?Probably Rodimus, but there’s some strong sprinklings of Megatron in there, too.  Which is one of the reasons I love writing megarod so much. 8: Which character of yours do you find the hardest to write?Well, I don’t branch out as much as I’d like so mostly any character I haven’t written.  If I had to pick one from fics I’ve already written, then Wheeljack, because I haven’t read too many comics with him in it but I’m so thirsty for starjack that I will attempt it anyways.9: If any, what music/artists do you like to listen to while writing?I find sad Maroon 5 songs to be really good background noise, but I usually just listen to whatever I currently am listening to on my ipod.10: Do you ever put any of your own traits or personality into any of your characters? Which?I do with Rodimus a lot, usually just little habits or w/e.  I like to HC he picks at his paint like I pick at my skin (as a nervous habit and just a bad habit in general).  BUT in “I Promise You” (which idk if I’ll ever finish, but I hate the title and should have thought more about it before I posted it) I basically put all of my fears and insecurities into Skywarp.  He was a very cathartic character to write and writing his suicidal thoughts or w/e really helped me work through my own (especially when he had someone there to hold him and tell him what *I* feel like I needed to hear).11: If you could take one character from your fic and put it with another character in another one of your fics, who would you want to see together?Uhhhh I got nothing because if I wanted to do it I would just do it.12: Which do you prefer writing most, description, dialogue, or actions?I used to write really detailed descriptions but somewhere along the line I set out to improve my dialogue and now I prefer writing that (sometimes, esp. if I’m stuck, I just write what I want them to say and fill in the rest later).  I hate writing actions a lot because I see in my head the movement I want them to make but idk how the FUCK to put it into words.  What Ratchet is doing in the second panel here in particular eludes me and if anyone could tell me how the fuck to describe this I would love you forever.13: If you could base one of your fics in a different location than where it is currently, where would you like it to be?Well tbh I never know how to describe the “wilderness” on Cybertron because it’s.... its all metal can I even call these things rocks??? So I guess a really lame answer to this is to set all of them on Earth so I can say there are trees and rocks and shit but Earth also sucks so *shrug*.14: Which of your fics would you like to see turned into a movie the most?Either Two Factions or Behind Closed Doors, which, when you look at them, are pretty similar stories XD15: Which of your characters do you think you would be most friendly with?I’d say Rodimus, Swerve, and Tailgate.  I wanna flop over Swerve and watch Earth TV with him.16: Are there any ideas you are currently playing around with that you would like to write sooner or later?I have started writing two multi-chapter megarod fics (one being a soulmate and reincarnation fic, the other a heatfic) but I want to finish my other ongoings (at least my megarod ones) before I denote any real time to them.17: Favorite fic that is not written by you?Hmmm that`s a tough one.  On the one hand, I don`t read as much fanfiction as I’d like to (I’m trying to rectify that) and on the other hand I love different fics for different reasons so I couldn’t just pick one.  This is a cop-out answer but I’m sticking to it.18: Have you ever written a personal experience into your fic?Oh, all the time.  Like I said with Skywarp before and I’ve written some self-insert things where I essentially was adopted by Rodimus and Megatron that will never see the light of day lol.19: Who has been your favorite face claim to use?So I google what “face claim” means and I still don’t understand.20: Lastly, take your favorite character from any of your fics and tell us 3 things you like about him/her and 3 things you dislike.Bluh this is too much work.

[aingealcethlenn-archive]

Why

Characters - Rhionnan (OC), Bucky, Steve

Pairing - Bucky x OC

Summary/Request - A rough night of memories, Rhionnan lets her guard down for the first time in a very long time, thinking no one would find out. But that wasn’t the case.

Word Count - 2,258

Warnings - Angst, Fluff, Feelings of sadness, regret, loss, Bucky cuddles (yes, that’s a warning now :P deal with it) (If you spot any other warnings I should add, please let me know so I can edit this post to include them!)

A/N - So..Uumm..This wasn’t going to be posted. It was written to try to ease my mind. BUT, my sister convinced me to finish it & stuff, so I did. And it was crap, so she worked her magic, capturing me perfectly..which is a little scary LOL, and made it so magnificent that it made me cry! (honest! it did!). SO..Thanks @wrenwritesometimes​!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 This is about me..basically. My name isn’t Rhionnan, & obviously I’m not an Avenger (duh), but the details about the death and traditions and such are my personal details. The feelings, the demeanor, the attitude, the emotionlessness (is that a word?)..even the bit about feeling like emotions are wrong..all those little details and shit...yep, that’s me! *waves* As I said, it was written to ease my mind after March 17th passed. Basically...welcome to my St. Paddy’s Day traditions -.-

Tags (Want on or off? Send a message/ask!) - @serzhantjamesbuchananbarnes​ @buckyywiththegoodhair​ @theimpossibleg1rl​ @hushothermuses​ @grooveandshit​ @blondekel77​ @xfirespritex @i-stole-rudolphs-nose @thepalaceofmelanie

Story -

While sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television, I could hear the other Saint Paddy’s Day parties thrum around the city below. My legs were crossed under me, with Bucky’s sweatshirt wrapped tightly around my body. I watch as the little leprechauns dance on the screen of my television.

It may sound fucking weird, but the longer I looked at those little fuckers, tears began to sting my eyes and nose.

Maybe it was the Jameson sitting on the coffee table, I don't know. Nursing a small glass one too many times always brought me to tears on days like this... Me, sitting on my own legs, sipping from the cup in my hand, half full of the whiskey… trying to will the tears away.

The rest of the tower had all gone to their rooms about an hour ago. I had made sure that they were all gone before I made my way to the common room.

Though... it felt more like a trance. I had Buck’s sweatshirt on with the bottle and movie in my hands. I put the movie’s disk in the player, and turned it on before grabbing a glass from the kitchen. Once I got comfortable on the couch, and poured my first shot, I lifted my glass, staring blankly out the window to the dark sky above.

“Lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhuit,” I mumbled to myself, taking the shot quickly. I swallowed slowly.

It always felt cathartic to force the liquid to slow down as it made its way down my throat.

Now, here I sit, a fair bit into the movie, and I… I am next to blackout drunk.

I had no idea what was going on. Other than I had definitely had more than one shot. Knowing the movie like the back of my hand, I knew how long I must have been sitting, but my head was… somewhere else. Call it an out of body experience.

I felt my hazy brain turn on the rose colored glasses… I felt and remembered the emotions I felt when I was just an eight-year-old watching the television with my dad behind me. A hand on my shoulder as we watched it together.

Curled up, with a dazed smile on my face, I started paying more attention to the screen, as if something new might appear.

It had been the same way every single year... March 17th rolled around, dad would buy a bottle of whiskey, take a single shot, and give away the rest to a friend.

The man hated whiskey. But tradition was tradition.

We’d sit on the couch, and watch movies like this all day. Usually, it was whatever we could find, but it was always a guarantee that Darby O’Gill would grace the screen.

So there I was, watching that beautiful movie, but instead of a simple shot, I was drinking the entire bottle of that damn whiskey.

Why?

Because it was the only damn thing that could get my sorry ass through this holiday anymore.

The one time I could be close to my dad despite the… distance.

My mind had already taken me back to when I was younger, watching with my dad. Listening to him say the lines in that perfect Irish brogue. Singing the songs along with the television... Or even rambling on about different things, like telling me what a banshee was.

Sure, I’d heard it all before… but why would I deprive us of the tradition? No matter how I wanted to fill in details that he either forgot or glossed over, I would always lap it up like it was brand new.

I couldn't ignore the happiness I felt from being so drunk that I could actually hear his voice as I sat alone.

I hadn’t noticed anyone else enter the room. I was lost in my own world; tears falling silently, sipping on whiskey, lost in my fantasy. It wasn’t until I felt the surprising yet familiar cold of his metal arm wrap around me that I even realized someone had been trying to talk to me.

Looking over into those damned concerned blue eyes, I shook my head clear of my haze and snapped myself back to reality.

“B-Bucky,” I mumbled, my voice weak, slurred, and still a little confused.

“What’s wrong, Rhi?” I heard him ask. The concern was evident in his voice.

Bucky had never seen any... hint of emotion like... this. From me.

Hell, none of these avenging bastards had. To them, I was strong. To me… I was frail.

Sure, I had emotions. Everyone does.

But no one had ever seen me weep like a baby. No one had. It wasn’t something I ever did.

I couldn’t.

Tears, meant weakness. If not to anyone else; to me.

I had to stay strong. Everyone counted on me for something or another. Family, friends - hell - even the general population looked to me, and the rest of the Avengers, in times of crisis.

I needed to stay strong for everyone else. Screw me having a moment of slack...

I didn’t have time to back off. I didn’t have time to break down.

I guess this could possibly mean I had never given myself a chance to grieve...

Sure, I may have done it my way, but it wasn’t the right way. Wasn't complete.

I must have been silent too long, because Bucky gently but forcibly took the glass from my hand, setting it on the table next to the now nearly empty bottle. Pulling me into his chest, he just held me.

I didn't know I was still crying until I noticed Bucky’s warm chest was wet and uncomfortable against my cheek from my own tears soaking in his shirt.

Feeling immediately ashamed and guilty, I wanted to move away from him, but I felt fatigued when my eyes fixed on the TV again.

“Rhionnan?”

I shook my head ever so slightly against his collarbone. Waking myself from my odd trance.

“Why does it still hurt so much, Bucky?” I heard myself ask; my voice weak, shaky, and… resigned. “After five years, please,” I whimpered. “Explain to me why it still hurts?”

“What hurts, doll?” He murmured into my hair. “How can I help?” His voice was still laced with concern, though he was trying to hide it.

From my position, I had to look up at him through my lashes, but I needed to look at him.

I had seen Bucky scared before… but this was different.

His eyes shown with a mix of emotions I’d never seen from him before. Fear, concern, sympathy, pain...

I’d never told anyone about my past. Nothing that wasn’t already in my file, anyway.

I’d never talked about my family - my siblings or my parents - because though I trusted these people with my own life, I didn’t want to burden them with the knowledge of my personal life.

“What happened, doll,” he mumbled lowly but warmly. The way he usually spoke. His voice was home for me. “What’s got you so--”

“--Weak? Broken?” I offered indignantly. I sat up slightly, still leaning against him, my head now on his shoulder.

“No,” he objected, slightly surprised. “I don’t see either of those right now, or ever.” His voice had softened by the end of his objection. I felt his lips press against the top of my forehead. “Talk to me Rhi,” he said with a steadfast nod. “What happened?”

“Five years ago,” I said after a long pause and a deep sigh. The whiskey was leaving my system so fast, and I could just feel my heart return to its natural resting heartbeat. “Five years ago was the last time I celebrated this stupid holiday with my father,” I mumbled petulantly (not all the drunkenness had worn off). “A mere four months later was the last time I ever heard his voice.”

My voice had cracked and I felt the water in my eyes give way again, soaking through yet another spot on Bucky’s shirt. My head was throbbing, though I don’t know which made it worse, the alcohol or the crying.

“Two months later, he was gone. I never saw him. Never went to see him in the hospital, never called him on the phone again, nothing,” I said. “Instead, I offered to stay at the house and watch all the little kids while everyone else went to be with him.”

Bucky was silent.

Upon a quick and fleeting glance at his face, I could see it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Not a ‘I wish you didn't tell me this’ silence.

In fact, from the look on his sharply angled face he wanted desperately to say something comforting.

I could tell that the words eluded him. I could understand that.

He silently pressed a kiss to my hair and pulled me into a tighter embrace.

“When I got the call, I just…” my voice cracked again, “nodded… and hung up. I made the calls to family…  since I was the only one who could actually still speak… I then helped with arrangements… because I could keep my composure.”

I shook my head vehemently, settling my face in my hands. “I couldn’t show how bad it… how bad it hurt. Everyone needed someone who was holding it together to turn to.”

“And… that was you,” he mumbled, his breath hitting my neck.

“Yep,” I mumbled into my hands, rubbing my stale eyes. “Though I was the one who lost the most. I still knew that I couldn't break down. I just… I just couldn't.”

“That’s why you never seem phased by anything during missions, isn’t it?” Bucky’s voice was still low and rough despite everything. “You think we all need someone to keep us afloat when things go wrong…” Bucky mused. “Or why you’re always the first one I see when I wake up from a nightmare? You’re trying to be everyone else’s foundation, while your own crumbles.”

“When you say it like that it sounds horrible.” I said, trying to laugh a little through the tears, but it just came off as pathetic and… sad.

“You think no one sees that chip on your shoulder…” Bucky mumbled to himself. “It doesn’t make you weak or anything else. You can’t just keep it all… bottled up inside of you.  Aren’t you tired of having to stand so tall?”

I sat up and looked into his eyes with a cold stare. “I break down every once in awhile,” I defended petulantly. “It’s just behind closed doors, screaming into my pillow, so none of you can fucking hear me.”

“Doll… “ He smiled a small smile before pulling me back to him. “That’s not exactly what I meant.”

“Bucky, it’s just not the way I am,” I retorted. “I can’t show that to anyone. I've… I guess I've convinced myself that it's wrong.”

I took a deep, haggard sigh and I could smell the whiskey on my own breath.

“Hell,” I grumbled. “You're literally the first one who’s seen this side of me. Probably ever. And the only reason you did, was because I was so out of it… and, well, drunk... I didn’t hear you come in the room.”

“Well,” Bucky replied softly, seriously. “You should trust me enough to see it again... Let me be the one to catch you when you fall.”

“Buck I--”

“You’ve been a solid rock for me since I arrived, Rhionnan. Let me return the favor, huh?”

I tilted my head and looked up at him for a very serious and long moment. “Only if you promise to never say a word about it to anyone,” I conceded.

“Deal,” he murmured resolutely, kissing my forehead again. “Now, let’s get you to bed. It's late.”

“Can we watch the movie just one more time?” I asked suddenly, catching his arm before he detached himself from me.

“Sure, doll,” he said with a wide and brilliant smile - the one that mostly shone in his eyes more than his lips… “Anything for you.” He reached for the remote on the table, and restarted the movie.

I sat up so he could lay across the couch, settling myself between his legs. Resting my head back against his chest, I took a deep breath, unabashedly taking in his scent. Feeling my body relax, I nuzzled as close as I could.

Bucky wrapped his arms around my shoulders easily, and placed another gentle kiss against my hair. Smiling as he felt me relaxing against him.

I closed my eyes, and let this new feeling take me over. The feeling of contentment, the feeling of safety… the feeling of home.

The next morning, Steve walked into the common room looking for Bucky. Finding the both of us on the couch, he gently tapped Bucky’s shoulder.

“Buck?”

I felt him shift behind me, but not enough to wake me completely. His arms tightened around me, and I relaxed again.

“Yeah?” He looked up at Steve, still half asleep.

“Everything okay?”

“Everythings fine, but I think I’m gonna skip our run today,” he replied with a croaky and quiet chuckle.

“That’s fine,” Steve responded, glancing at my still body, still wrapped in Bucky’s sweatshirt. Steve nodded toward me, asking carefully, “Is she okay?”

“She is now, I think,” Bucky responded, shifting me so he could properly look up at Steve.

“Good,” Steve nodded slightly. “She needs you Buck. Take care of her.”

“Til the end of the line,” Bucky murmured sleepily, grinning knowingly up at Steve.

[pumpkinpaix]

9, 13, 14, 20? :O

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

ALAS I AM APPARENTLY A LONGFIC WRITER,,,, or like, a very short tiny vignette, no in-between.  I used to be incapable of writing anything long (all my shit from like 2007-2012 was under like 5k pretty much), but now it’s like. fuck! every story i want to write ends up spiralling out into like 50k+ projects /o\ I’m definitely a plotter. I wish I could be more spontaneous, but I do much, much better when I have some kind of endgame in mind. I can kinda fudge the middle, but the beginning and end have to be set :/

13. Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?

yep! here’s my ao3, which is pretty much just mdzs right now, but I’ve got some Saint Seiya stuff planned 👀 truly getting ready to return to my roots. saint seiya was the first fandom i wrote for! :D if you’re looking for my tumblr ficlets, I believe the tag is #myficlet

however, in terms of original prose and poetry, it mostly all just stays in folders on my hard drive. :’D I’ve entered some poetry and prose into local writing contests and won before, so my work exists out in the ether, but one day I’d like to have published books :’) I have so much poetry that kind of just sits around, and i’m like maybe?? it would be cool to share some of it? but all of it needs more editing and refining, I almost never edit my poetry it just kinda comes out in a mess and then I don’t look at it for years, so none of it is like good. a lot of it has potential, I think, but I have like, maaaaybe one poem that I would say is almost good lol.

I have like five nano novels hanging out as well, so just like. hundreds of k of words stacked up over the last decade and a half :’D

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

depends! sometimes I think of a title and a concept at the same time and try to weave them together. sometimes it comes in the middle, and sometimes I’m scrambling right at the end. sometimes I’m struggling for the whole fucking time (me with lxc fic right now good god this title has been eluding me for MONTHS)

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

okay, since you’re the one asking, I’m going to talk about my painting selections in this little tumblr not-fic i wrote about hyoshun even though I know you don’t really do the classic series, but hey.

I’ve seen both Aivazovsky’s Ninth Wave and Repin’s Sadko in person, but I’ve studied all of the paintings that were included. I’ve never been to the Tretyakov, so I haven’t seen any of those in person, but GOD i want to. All of the paintings that I talked about are some of my favorite 19th century russian works except Sadko, which is nice, but not like, one of my favorites. I just like it.

here is why I chose those works in particular:

1. Aivazovsky’s Ninth Wave is a fucking experience to witness. It’s impossible to convey the presence of it, the size of it, on a computer screen. you feel swallowed up by the ocean and the light and the terror and the beauty of it--even as you face death, you also face the sun. you know, just like. peak sublime. I really think Shun would find the concept of the sublime very moving, given what we see of his character in canon: he cares, deeply and viscerally about the inherent value of life, but sees himself as small within it. And I don’t necessarily think that scares him so much as it awes him sometimes. He knows his own value and strength, respects risk, and respects sacrifice. I think would relate a lot to the Romantic artists who looked out at the vastness of the world and reacted with wonder and terror.

I think Shun very much feels a deep sense of wonder at being alive, of existing, and that he takes that very seriously. idk, there’s that moment at the 12 temples, when he stops to smell the roses at Aphrodite’s temple. it’s like, yeah, we’re in the midst of fighting for our lives, but god. there is such beauty here. facing the sun even as you face death. I think he would like that painting a lot.

2. Knowing Repin’s other work, I find the Sadko really beautiful and charming and surprising! It’s such a fun subject for a painting--instead of painting a religious scene, it’s a scene from a bylina, about a man named Sadko. I believe here is the scene where he’s asked to choose a wife from a line of beautiful sea maidens, but all he wants is to return to the surface and live with his human wife that he loves so much. and it’s okay! he does! the painting is lovely and just really visually stunning. and there’s something really moving about the way that sadko has eyes only for his wife on the surface, dressed in plain clothes, out of reach, even as these dazzling women laden with jewels parade before him. aaaaaaaaaa. anyways, I think Shun would like this painting too, for those reasons!!

3. Now the Tretyakov paintings that I’ve never seen, but GOD they just. they get me right in the heart. first, Conscience, Judas, by Nikolai Ge. it’s hard for me to describe exactly what I’m feeling when I look at it, but that really vicious white on Judas’s robe, the coldness of it, the alienation of a traitor. I want to weep for judas. I am not christian, so my interpretations of the bible are largely moot and uninformed, but I’ve always been intrigued by the thought that like--without judas’ betrayal, christ could not have risen. without the fall, there cannot be a triumph. that doesn’t mean that judas was acting for that reason, i certainly don’t know enough about biblical studies to make any kind of interpretation, but in the sense that like--christ had to fall and judas was the instrument of it. imagine the remorse of knowing. there’s something very human and sad about watching everything you loved and betrayed walk away from you into the darkness while you are left behind. without you, it could never have happened. i don’t know. there’s something about the nature of unforgiveable sins in there. i think about Shun’s speech to Balron Lune and I think he would feel some kind of way looking at this painting.

4. Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, by Perov--this painting kills me every time i see it. again, not christian, but like. the agony of christ. god. the nature of sacrifice. knowing that you must suffer and die, but oh! you would rather live, please if only you could live. let this cup pass me by. that on its own is already so much to sit with. and I think Shun, as well as the other saints, for very obvious reasons, probably have a lot of complicated emotions surrounding the concept of sacrifice and doubt. and idk, whenever there’s a moment when you feel like you are reaching through time and space to realize that someone out there has felt the way you are feeling, it’s like. that’s a lot. it hurts.

5. The Demon Seated, Vrubel: aaaaaaaaaaa. one of my favorite paintings!!! the demon is beautiful, and the demon is terribly melancholic, and the demon is alone, and the demon is powerful sitting amidst the blooming flowers and the setting sun. the gentle face in contrast with the muscular body. the inherent negative aspect of a demon in contrast with the subject’s heroism. I think that this would remind shun very much of his own brother, who is so angry and violent and dark, but whom he still sees as gentle and loving still. i think shun would look at this painting and see ikki sitting there, alone, watching the sunset on some distant shore. as for hyoga, I think it would be hard for him to see this without seeing shun after the hades arc: a kind and beautiful man, a demon by nature not by choice. someone soft made unwillingly hard. a murderer who would ferry even centipedes out of the house to safety.

ANYWAYS. I LOVE ART and i project all my feelings onto shun thank you for coming to my ted talk

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