#eddie is a lovable bear y'all

[heretyc]

eddie & val headcanons, but this time they're modern

my apologies for being inactive. my mental health became shit AGAIN

in another post i mentioned seeing a pic of val in a sweater. it's right here [i tried finding the artist but the blog that shared it to pinterest is down??? @//baldrsmoke bb come back i beg. if you find credit lemme know pls thank you]

a lot of the shit in here is unrealistic but that's the beauty of fanfiction, especially in this economy. and they will not be murderers because we deserve breaks, okay??!?!?! getting blood out of carpets is a NIGHTMARE

so because val and eddie barely have stable backstories or personalities, they are my bitches to experiment with. these aren't canon they're just....my view, you feel? that's the point of hc's but ya know, please feel free to give me your thoughts

again, they/them pronouns are used for val, see them however you wish. i see them as a milf- [i am then lovingly stabbed by val for calling them a milf and not a cilf, 'Cultist I'd Like to Fuck']

this is obvious but warning for nsfw!!!!!! duh

and a bunch of imagery is used, if that's not ur thing i am Sorry

enjoy !!!!!

☸ Eddie Gluskin —

♡ Assuming he got help for his issues and he's sane? Omg, he's a dreamboat. You are the envy of the block.

♡ He gets angry sometimes. The past never leaves you fully. But he has remedies.

♡ He has many resources to help him with his anger. He learned to put most of his emotions into his work. Some dresses may have random holes in them, but holes are a fashion statement, dammit.

♡ Loves using lavender to help him sleep. So calming.

♡ Believe it or not? Excellent at cooking. Breakfast in bed is common.

♡ Because he's old-fashioned, he is very much a gentleman. Holds doors open for you, lays down his coat so you don't get your shoes wet from a puddle. He's a typical Canadian man /satire

♡ Is loved by a lot of people for his fashion taste alone. Keep the 40s/50s alive, baby!!!

♡ Either becomes a wedding dress designer or a surgeon, your call. Y'all know that show Say Yes to the Dress? He'd own that show LMFAOOOO

♡ Helps you grab things off of shelves. This man is TALL

♡ Unironically drinks black coffee??? Okay Satan

♡ Has to wear glasses. Is the type of dumbass to have them pushed onto his head and claim he can't find them 💀

"Darling, have you seen my glasses? It seems I've lost them..." "...Look in the mirror, Eds." "Oh? ...Oh. Thank you, darling! ♡"

♡ Would be the type to get a golden retriever. Both are walking hugs 🤭 Imagine coming home to Eddie and a big ass fluffy dog. Yes PLEASE

♡ Has a soft spot for desserts with blackberries.

♡ Enjoys Disney movies because who doesn't??? Jokes aside... because he wasn't able to have a childhood, he will indulge in children's movies now with his golden retriever and you. Fuck yeah

♡ Needs to be taught how to use a cell phone. Yes he types like every other old person

♡ Wakes up at 5 am. Every day. Have fun with this information :)

"Wake up, darling! The sun says hello!" "And I say GOODBYE."

"...Darling 😒"

♡ Not extremely religious but prays sometimes.

♡ The man to go to when you need help regarding clothing. Have a hole? Stitches it back up. Button fell off? He's gotchu. This man is a god when it comes to repairing clothes.

He's also great when it comes to colour matching.

♡ Finds horror movies to be funny and inaccurate. Like he's seen blood and gore [thanks, childhood :/], it looks nothing like in the movies. Corn syrup? Get with the program, Carrie

♡ Halloween is always fun because he makes your costumes, and they're always so detailed and comfortable.

♡ Has a whole ass room dedicated to his work; threads, sewing machine, extra needles...

♡ Listens to records and is beloved by the Millennials for it.

♡ He believes that the great outdoors helps with just about everything and takes walks every day. He'll want you to come with him. If you're an introvert, well that's too bad ;)

Just kidding. You don't have to talk to people, he's happy with a simple walk through the park

♡ Doesn't understand video games but will happily watch you play them.

♡ Drives an old ass car, don't @ me

♡ ADORES Valentines day!!! An excuse to shower you in affection with flowers and clothes made special just for you 💓🤭💓

♡ Has night terrors :(

♡ Does not feel safe if you go anywhere without him. This mfer is your bodyguard and he only feels better if you take self defense items

♡ Goes all out for your birthdays. Attempts to make homemade cake, takes you out...the WORKS

NO NOT "MURDER" I MEAN HE ACTUALLY TAKES YOU OUT TO PLACES. FELT LIKE I HAD TO CLARIFY AGAIN 😭

♡ Reads a lot, obviously is into romance novels but he enjoys mystery novels as well

♡ Wears a lot of navy blues, monochrome shades and the occasional red.

♡ Dislikes rap music and will loudly make his opinion known. He especially hates Eminem.

♡ Gets upset when you shame yourself :(( stop it right NOW

♡ Makes it a point that whenever you're upset, he's the first person you should go to. He is not letting you leave his sight without a smile on your face. A REAL one

♡ He despises alcohol and only really drinks it during events. Even then, he doesn't drink a lot, maybe a couple of sips and that's it.

♡ Dislikes Trager. A lot. If he's your doctor Eddie makes you switch 💀

♡ He's a social butterfly, why wouldn't he be with a personality as charming as his?

♡ Never lets you use knives in the kitchen because he hates the thought of you cutting yourself.

♡ Dislikes green. For whatever reason, it just makes him cringe.

♡ Happily gives you food from his plate, and makes no comments or complaints.

♡ Teaches you how to sew, and has many thimbles on stand-by if you have a habit of stabbing your fingers.

♡ Fucking HATES fast food, and heavily prefers homemade stuff. Fuck Burger King, all his homies hate Burger King

However, he'd enjoy fine dining.

♡ He'd learn to knit, too.

♡ Loves winter because he has an excuse to make you sweaters. He makes you sweaters no matter the season, but you're gonna wear them during the winter, so

♡ Prefers suburban or country life. The city is too noisy for him.

♡ Never ever doubt his love for you, he adores you and 100% would steal the moon for you if you asked [NASA might be mad tho]. Cheating is also out of the question, he finds it disgusting.

♡ Has an unironic love for bunnies and wants to protect them. As a result, despises animal testing. Psychologically it's because they're innocent and cute.

♡ He'd smell really nice. Musky and elegant.

♡ Very prudent when it comes to money, and chastises you if you spend on pointless things.

"Do you really need a new pillow?" "It's shaped like a cat, so YES."

♡ Doesn't understand modern lingo...help him.

♡ An excellent caretaker if you're ill!! Leave everything to him, he will do the housework and errands until you're healthy again.

♡ If you're injured and can't move, the same applies, but he'll carry you to places. [I had to get stitches on my foot last October and I'm still salty >:(]

♡ Has a hard time expressing sadness as it's considered a weakness.

♡ Will happily make your doctor's appointments for you if you have anxiety, but encourages you to do them yourself. He'll hold your hand :3c

♡ Really strong hands, so he likes giving you massages and rubs.

♡ Not too patient, but he works on it.

♡ An old man regarding the internet and only really uses it for tutorials. He asks for your help, obviously.

♡ Finds online shipping suspicious.

♡ He shaves and styles his own hair. He's excellent with a blade.

♡ Has never heard of an 'emo phase' and is kind of weirded out by it. If you went through one, expect questions.

♡ Dislikes jewelry, and only wears rings.

♡ Very disgusted by the music of this time. Who calls women 'bitches'? Absurd. [You do, you weirdo]

♡ Loves thunderstorms. He thinks thunder is calming. Gets annoyed when he sees lightning, though. It hurts his eyes.

♡ He likes the heat. He's like a cat.

♡ He can sometimes sneak up on you and scare you, but it's not purposeful. He can get really...quiet. [Due to his childhood...it's a skill]

♡ He's not completely opposed to the idea of traveling, but he loves being at home with you.

♡ Carries a messenger bag with him sometimes. It has glasses, a first aid kid and other essentials. Happily carries your stuff with him.

♡ If you see a spider and freak out he'll calm you down, but if it's bigger than he's used to or he's alone, he will SHRILL

♡ Gets upset if you need to leave the house for a long amount of time. He enjoys your company.

♡ If you watch Strangers Things I think he'd laugh at the fashion and feel nostalgic.

♡ Enjoys feeding the birds. Has a hummingbird feeder and your standard bird feeder outside the living room window.

♡ If you too had a childhood much like his, he will become a mixture of saddened and angered. The fact that his loved one can relate to him and had a childhood much like his own? Makes him sick.

† Val —

♡ The soft, loving partner you never knew you needed.

♡ Val is a lovebug!! Cuddles on the couch. Words of affirmation. They love showing you their adoration.

♡ They're somewhat involved with Knoth as they run the suburbs you all live in and Knoth's church is within said suburbs, but both Val and a group of people meet in secret to talk shit about him.

Oh yeah; they have orgies. You're invited too, obviously. No pressure, though.

♡ As a result of being Val's partner, you are accepted by their group and are seen as their good friend. They're all fun to speak to.

♡ They love wine. They have a whole ass cupboard full of it.

♡ They mostly wear wool sweaters because they have an excuse to give you warm hugs ♡ [also because they're cozy!!!]

♡ Extremely pale and hates going outside unless they have to because they're prone to getting sunburnt.

♡ Knows how to work the internet, surprisingly.

♡ Their hair is naturally a light blonde, so they're envied by those who have to bleach their hair.

♡ Also has naturally bright blue eyes, so everywhere you go they get complimented at least once.

♡ A dark chocolate fanatic. Yum.

♡ A cat person!! When you go to their house for the first time you are greeted by a gorgeous white cat named Ruby. She warmed up to you instantly. Val lowkey got jealous though hehe

♡ Loves you for all of your flaws.

♡ An excellent listener. They're not a therapist or anything but their advice is suspiciously perfect and works for you every time.

♡ Best friends with the doctor down the road. They're both chaotic.

♡ They love to watch horror movies with you and occasionally thirst over the characters. Scream is their favourite out of all of the iconic horror flicks. Maybe you and them should go as Billy and Stu for Halloween? Them as Billy, obviously.

♡ They are your own personal cheerleader. You accomplish something! Yayyy! You come back home with new clothes? You better run a fashion show for them. [And they probably have a cheerleader costume stashed somewhere...]

♡ Very elegant and wears expensive perfume. Always a joy to be close to because your nose is often swimming in perfume that's probably more expensive than your kidneys.

♡ Loves to spend money on you because they think you deserve it. If your childhood was difficult [like Eddie's] this increases ten fold.

♡ Regarding rough childhoods, Val always feels an anger build within them when they hear about abuse victims who experienced said abuse in their childhood. Who could harm children? They're bright, they're innocent. They will always feel like you deserved better and will assist you in undoing trauma.

Doesn't matter if it's impossible, they will try. You need meds to take? They will make you take them. They will escort you to therapy appointments. They will let you vent. They want you to feel better because you deserve the world and they can't help but want to violently hurt the person who harmed you.

♡ Prefers wearing dark colours, like black and navy blue, but will wear light ones, too. Mainly cream or coral.

♡ They enjoy wearing accessories. Their rosaries are their favourites. They get you your own rosaries after a year of dating. [With your initials carved into them, duhhh]

♡ Got their genitals pierced after they turned 18 and never took them out. They got them for the aesthetic, they kept them for sexual benefits.

♡ Prefers to stay alone and rest when they get sick, liking to take things into their own hands and not burdening you, but becomes a Momma when you're ill. Soup, cold cloth, bedrest, the works.

♡ Obviously a sexual icon. They're sex positive and do not judge what someone enjoys sexually. Unless of course it's morally gross.

♡ Expect sex. Like...at the most, 5 times a week. The whipped cream in the fridge isn't for ice cream, I'll tell you that.

♡ Regarding sexual piercings, they'd love and support you if you got some done, too. They'll hold your hand when you get them cause they hurt like a bitch. [My friend got nipple piercings...the screams of pain she let out y'all 😭 don't let that stop you if you want some though!!]

♡ Has no understanding of memes but loves when you explain them. They're amused and still don't get it but they see how happy they make you and how they make you laugh, so they'll listen for as long as they need to.

♡ They're liked by a lot of people because of how accepting and nice they are, but they prefer being alone with you and Ruby.

♡ They hate idiocy, which is why they want to leave Knoth. Ugh.

♡ Has somewhat of a Southern accent.

♡ Loves gardening because they grow their own flowers and give them to you on Valentines day. Romantic.

♡ Baking desserts is a common thing the both of you do. Expect them to feed you the batter.

♡ They're generally a pacifist but regarding you or something else, they will Exchange Fists

♡ An excellent babysitter. This was to be expected.

♡ Doesn't like video games too much but will watch you play them as they sip on wine.

♡ They're a night owl.

♡ Likes it whenever you get scared, whether during a thunderstorm or a scary movie, because they can comfort you.

♡ They're tall as fuck and you need them to grab things for you from the higher shelves at the grocery store. Sometimes, at home, they'll put things you need on higher shelves so you ask them for help.

♡ Befriends ravens so they can train the things to steal from Knoth. Yes, it's possible. You can thank them for the occasional rings and coins.

♡ Like Eddie, they carry a messenger bag with them if you're both going out.

♡ They like the suburbs but enjoy the country life even more. They'd take you and the cat out into the country if they weren't a deacon.

♡ Gets annoyed when others mock their drawl, but when you do it, they find it cute. You're not mocking them to be a dick.

♡ Is the designated driver on road trips and lets you play your music.

♡ They can handle the heat. If you can't, they find it amusing but makes sure you take care of yourself.

♡ Uses mainly pet names. Your real name is maybe used once a day 😭

♡ They find gender stereotypes stupid and wear whatever tf they feel like. They encourage you to wear whatever you want.

♡ Lets you paint their nails or do their makeup or whatever if you're practicing. They'll just stare at their phone and patiently wait.

If you did a poor job, they won't tell you.

"How did I do?" "...Perfect, my love. Absolutely perfect. [cringes when you're not looking]"

♡ They buy the full size chocolate bars on Halloween. They're not Satan.

♡ They think you need to be protected. All the time.

"I'll get that." "Val, it's just someone at the door." "Okay, and? What if it's a murderer? We've seen Halloween, dear. Let me get it."

♡ The big spoon. But enjoys being the little spoon sometimes.

♡ They're a switch. They're dom until you make a move. They encourage you, too.

♡ Their lips are plump so their kisses are really nice. MWAH

♡ Unironically enjoys pumpkin spiced things. They make their stuff at home, though. ♡ They enjoy lollipops. They're also easy to seduce someone with. Val as the Lollipop Chainsaw protagonist, anyone?