#dxsole 'evgeni'

[troublesomecousin]

@dxsole 💬 starter for EVGENI

How long had it been now since they'd reconnected? Since that chance encounter on the street when Kevin had thought he had seen a ghost...a couple weeks at least, though Kevin couldn't remember exactly how many. The passage of time had always been a hard thing for him to grasp. He had figured it was the effect of the pills, but it would seem that this particular quirk was just a side effect of whatever was going on in his brain naturally. However long it had been, this time with Evgeni had started to make him feel more like...well, just feel more in general. It made him want to share things that until previously he kept well out of reach of anyone but himself.

And even he was on thin ice.

It was late, the two of them lounging on the couch not doing very much at all, which Kevin was finding he actually quite enjoyed. The weight of the other resting on him was soothing, but not quite so much that Kevin could maintain the cozy silence forever. "So...I've been reading about intergenerational curses."

[troublesomecousin]

"Seems as good a reason as any," Kevin shrugs, hoping they've gotten over the worst of this bad mood. Selfishly, Kevin had hoped it would pass quickly, uncomfortable with this sort of open display of emotion. Some of that he supposed could be cultural, but he also knew that most of it was his own personal hang ups. But also, seeing Evgeni on the very verge of tears...it tugged at something way deep down in him that he was not ready to confront.

And when that little laugh comes out of Evgeni, Kevin breathes a sigh of relief, and he pulls the other closer to him in something akin to a side hug. A little extra physical closeness couldn't hurt could it? Maybe he could even squeeze what was left of that sadness out of him. It hadn't been a full-body laugh, but Kevin is determined to get one out of him now.

"Yeah, real inconvenient, but we needs guys like you. Helps maintain the uh...balance or whatever. Maybe one day they'll invent a guy who can be both stoic and emotional, but until then..." He gives Evgeni another bit too rough squeeze for good measure. "....we've all got our roles."

Evgeni looks up at him with those damned sad, doe, eyes of his, and Kevin smiles down at him, trying to remove some of the worry that had etched itself onto his face. It was clear that it wasn't doing anything to help the matter, so he wanted to be rid of it. But it's set too deeply, so the smile can only diminish the ways his anxiety was shown on his face, unable to get rid of it completely.

This little dork was doing massive damage to his emotional barriers. It was absolutely terrible.

"S'alright...maybe you just need someone to give you a good shove. Or...I dunno, shit, what do circus people do? Shoot you out of a cannon maybe...whatever, the metaphor's not the point." Kevin let's go of him, waving his hand in front of him as if to wipe clean the invisible slate he'd been scrawling his half thought out comforts on. "I don't have a cannon, but I can get you something to eat...this had better not have all just been to get me to buy you lunch."

Evgeni couldn't hold things back sometimes; more often than not it ended with him saying exactly what was on his mind and accidentally coming across as rather brusque, but today it apparently decided to manifest with him unable to stop himself from telling Kevin about it. It made him sick too, stomach turning uncomfortably as he regards the other— he looked so...stunned? Confused? There was something in his eyes that Evgeni hadn't seen before and it made him feel so terribly guilty.

He wanted to apologize over and over again. He must sound so ridiculous to Kevin— what else would Evgeni even do if he wasn't at the circus? He couldn't do anything else. He didn't know anything else—

Even when Kevin speaks, attempting to be supportive in his own rough and tumble way, it doesn't soothe him. He doesn't think he'll be punished for defying his father and this heritage he carried but the fact that he knows there's this...entire world before him that he wants to explore and touch and feel, yet he's too afraid to try. Too afraid to fail— what would he even do if he did fail?

Right now, he couldn't even act right in front of Kevin. He can't compose himself. He can't stop thinking how he isn't any good, how if he ever tried to defy the hand he's been dealt that it would just lead to this; fractured breathing and a shiver that won't quit. And he knows he's shaking because he can feel it when Kevin touches him. Why couldn't he be grateful? People come from worse places than this. Why did he want more?

He tries to do as he's told (he's good at that), shakily breathing, chest rising and falling as he blinked back the sting in his eyes— he couldn't cry in front of Kevin. Evgeni cries at the drop of a hat but he refuses to do it now, not in front of Kevin—

Snorts. It's abrupt amidst all the grief, making even Evgeni jump a little. "I'm—" Again he presses hard against his eyes until he's satisfied nothing will leak out. "Is that why I am this way? Because you are not?" It's a funny thought. Like there's a quota of tears in the world and he has both Kevin's and his own. Maybe a few more people's as well. "It is very inconvenient." A small chuckle is hummed out, still a far cry from his usual laughter.

He glances up at Kevin, noting that he's so close now and still looking...is it worried? He hopes it's not worry. As flattered as he would be, thinking that Kevin worried about him, he wouldn't want him to. He doesn't want him to be sad because of him and his own worries. "I am not...not a brave person. Not enough to leave at least." He sniffs, nose twitching as he tried to ignore the tickle. "...I think I should eat something. Maybe I am just sad because I am hungry." Seems logical to him at least, even if it would just be a momentary distraction.

[bruisedconscience]

@dxsole

At first, Aaron was sure he'd dropped into a science fiction movie and traveled back in time. But then, he had a hard time recognizing Evgeni at first glance. Only when this man began excitedly saying his name and speaking did Aaron recognize him. He looked so much different than when they were kids-- healthier, for one. And grown.

A flush spread permanently across Aaron's cheeks as he grinned.

"I d...did," he murmured, splaying his arms out to further display his height. "Did...didn't know it was...was possible for me to...t-to get any more tall." So grown up? Sure, the stubble stretched persistent and uneven across Aaron's jaw. Another shy chuckle. "S'a... a lot'a work to...to shave all'a this...this shit off, ain't it?"

A few years ago, Aaron had been assigned a case worker at a local hospital--somebody at the church having met Aaron (and then, uncomfortably, Roy) and recognized that...maybe they could use some extra assistance from somewhere. Then came a job, and now a shared apartment at the edge of town with another person with their own case worker. He knew more about himself, now, and Roy. Not a whole lot, but definitely more.

"I been, um..." Aaron considered. "O-Okay." He broke into a grin. "M'on my-my...way back home fr...from work. You...You got a p...place to be? Or you w...wanna...get-get dinner or somethin'?"

Aaron swallowed.

He wasn't sure he wanted Evgeni to meet Roy, if they hadn't already. He couldn't remember whether or not they had, and Roy sure as hell wouldn't be reminding him!

more time than they bargained for - evgeni & aaron

[troublesomecousin]

The tent's come down and that makes it more real; he had to go and keep all the good times he had this summer as nothing more than memories. And it seemed there wasn't any good time to really say goodbye, but it had to be done. He really couldn't keep everything inside any longer, not with how the ache of missing Kevin was already starting to creep in. "I need you to know something before I go," Evgeni started, more than aware that he was breathing too fast, too hard. "I—" Eyes close for a brief moment as he steels himself. "I love you." And he doesn't know what he's going to do with all the love he has and won't be able to show. "Like really, really love you. In love with you, actually."

@dxsole

The change of the seasons was inevitable. Both of them had known from the start that this could only last so long. Kevin had managed to convince himself, not very well but enough, that he didn't mind it. That the impermanence had been the whole appeal of hooking up with Evgeni in the first place...someone who would be out of his life once he'd grown bored with them, how convenient! None of the awkward having to see them around town. But Kevin didn't feel relief when the tent had gone down or when he'd felt the first cool breeze of the approaching autumn when he'd stepped out that morning. Or maybe he'd just imagined the chill knowing that today would be the last time... But with all his mental preparations (rationalizing), he hadn't prepared himself to hear that. He did know that it was a possibility that Evgeni might have developed some serious feelings for him, but saying it out loud? What was Kevin supposed to say to that?The truth that he felt the same way? Fuck no. He was taking that secret to his grave. "Oh wow, Ev, that's..." He smiles, hoping something clever will come to him. But his mind is blank, and Evgeni is just looking back at him, expecting an answer. He couldn't just give him nothing in return. "That's real sweet. Thanks."

[troublesomecousin]

3, 2, 1… // for Evgeni! He smooch!!!

@dxsole

The air was crisp and cool up on the rooftop, and Kevin wraps his arms tightly around himself, trying to stave off some of the chill. He turns, checking to make sure that Evgeni was still behind him. He'd had this impulse at the last minute, the bar they were at feeling entirely too crowded as the new year drew closer and closer, bodies bustling with excitement as the countdown approached. "C'mon, c'mon! Hurry up! If we miss this I'm breaking up with you," he calls back, happy to see that Evgeni was just a few steps behind him and grabbing his arm to pull him in close. Truthfully, he would never dream of breaking up with Evgeni...not so soon after they'd gotten back together. He wasn't going to waste all that emotional vulnerability! "Shit, I think I think I can see the glow of Times Square from up here." Kevin is practically bouncing all the balls of his feet as he looks over in what he thought was the right direction. Below them he can hear the sound of everyone starting to count down together...or at least, the muffled version of it. 10, 9, 8... The numbers tick down steadily as he wraps has arms around Evgeni's waist, admiring the other's face lit up by the glow of the streetlights and maybe even a little bit of the light from the not so far off celebration. Kevin holds him a little tighter. He'd had some resolutions thought up for the coming year, but Evgeni's reappearance in his life had thrown everything off. Though Kevin supposes he's never been that good at sticking to resolutions. 7, 6, 5, 4... Perhaps, his resolution could be this, to be a better man not just for himself but for the person who now stood beside him. Be a better partner than he ever could have been when they'd met fifteen, now nearly sixteen, years ago. That was a resolution he was sure he could stick to, the motivation was certainly there...the voices down below grow louder as the year at last gives way to the new. 3, 2, 1... "Happy New Year, Ev!" Kevin is grinning broadly as he gives the smaller man a quick, perhaps a little too rough (he can't help himself when he's excited) hug before leaning in and placing a kiss on his lips, excited for the first time in a long while for the year ahead.

[troublesomecousin]

🌿🍒 // for Evgeni!!

@dxsole Mistletoe Moment for EVGENI

Kevin didn't even realize his brother would hang such a thing. But well, this was something of a Christmas party...not a big one but still, maybe a little extra holiday spirit had possessed him. Whatever the reason, the result had ended up being Kevin getting caught under the mistletoe with Evgeni, his face turning pink the moment he realizes the position he's in. Stood very close together in a doorway with the cute guy he'd really only just gotten back together with, a festive excuse to make out in public hanging above their heads. Normally, Kevin didn't really need much of an excuse to do that kind of thing, but the whole tradition aspect did add a level of pressure that wasn't usually there...and also his family wasn't normally around to witness it either. But well, it was Christmas (nearly). He wasn't about to pass on an opportunity to kiss Evgeni, and besides, it seemed that all the other guests were distracted by all their own conversations. In an attempt to be a bit more romantic, the situation seemed to call for it, he places his hand on to small of Evgeni's back, pulling him in a little closer before leaning in to give him a kiss, his other hand finding it's way to the Evgeni's cheek before he finally pulled away. His hands, however, remained where they were, warmth edging out the smugness in his smile but only just barely. He kept his face close, their noses brushing against each other as he spoke. "Not bad for our first mistletoe kiss, yeah? But I mean, I'm a good kisser, so that's not surprising."

[troublesomecousin]

❛ i knew you had a heart! ❜ //from Evgeni!

@dxsole

"A heart? Absolutely not! What a terrible thing to say to me," Kevin replied, unsure exactly how much he was joking. Sure, there was a sweet persona he was happy to trot out when it served him, but his genuine soft side was not something he liked to advertise. That sort of thing got you in trouble around here, and Kevin was only interested in the kind of trouble he could control. Evgeni was hardly a threat, but Kevin's instinct was to be defensive when it was clear someone had gotten a peak behind whatever facade he was putting on that particular day. "I can't have people assuming I care about things. It's bad for my reputation."

[troublesomecousin]

you know what i'd really like? a cheeseburger. // from Evgeni, who is small but hungry

@dxsole

Kevin wasn't entirely sure what he was expecting to come out of Evgeni's mouth, but it certainly wasn't that. He'd kind of expected some sorta cheesy pick up line about wanting him or something like that, but it turned out the cheese he'd been sensing was only the literal kind. But that was hardly a bad thing, his surprise making him let out a short laugh as he sat up. From this small hill they could see the circus, but all its hustle and bustle were too far off to be heard. "A cheeseburger? Really?" he replied, his brow furrowing slightly with false judgement, leaning into his surprise for the fun. Truth be told, food didn't sound like a bad idea at the moment, but he couldn't help teasing. "You're a boy of very simple tastes, I'll give you that. This your way of telling me my company isn't filling enough for that enormous appetite of yours? You like burgers more than me, hm?" Lightly, for him at least, Kevin poked the other's stomach, looking down at him but only managing to keep a straight face for a couple seconds before he let his expression give way to a grin, unable hold back another bout of laughs. "Let's get you something to eat then, yeah? C'mon, I know a place."

[troublesomecousin]

"Yeah, I know. I've seen those fangs of yours. You're like a little vampire." Kevin lets his hand brush against Evgeni's back as they turn down a less populated street, fingertips resting just above his waist as he stopped, needing a moment to remember which direction to go next and wanting to take advantage of the fleeting moment of privacy. Hand holding was still off the table, but this felt less...emotionally treacherous somehow. The touch was far from innocent, but, to Kevin's logic, it wasn't quite as intimate. "You're gonna draw blood one of these days, and I'm not gonna complain."

Remembering the way, he presses forward, pulling his hand away, nodding as Evgeni speaks. "I can arrange that. I think there's a word for it...pushing something out the window..." His voice trails off, less interested in finding the word itself than he is filling any possible silences between them. "Whatever it is, if that's what you want I'll make sure you are shoved with only the most respectful level of force."

It's not too much further now...that's what his memory is telling him anyway, but it's hard to think about that given the sudden shift in Evgeni's mood. Kevin turns to look at him, a brow arched curiously at how insistent the other sounded in that moment. "I didn't realize sharing a drink with me was that important to ya...next thing you're gonna tell me you wanna re-enact that scene from that dog movie...you know the one with the spaghetti." He rolls his eyes. "But yeah, sure, fine. One milkshake, and I'll start looking for a good Italian place for next time too."

"Nibble what—" He still thinks they're talking about food when Kevin gives him a jab. It prompts Evgeni to mutter out a Hey! before his indignance dies down when he's given a little pat. Honestly, even if Kevin meant to hurt him, he's not sure what he would have done.

Evgeni's never been in a proper fight before, but the last person he'd want to tussle with is Kevin, both for practical (he'd kick his ass!) and more secret (crush!) reasons. "Yeah, well," Huffs a little, just to tease mostly. "I...I'd bite you good. I'm very sharp."

Sharp enough to mow through a couple of burgers at least. As they near town, it's clear Evgeni's a little excited, although he tends to have more of a spring in his step when he's not at practice. It's not often he has a local on hand to show him around all these great cities after all. "No, no, I will be okay," He assures very seriously. "If I get too big, you shove me out window."

His good mood only falters once; "No...no, you must share with me. I promise I won't steal all of it..."

[troublesomecousin]

ASSIGNED LOVE LANGUAGE

Tagged by : I got got by @blckfckinmsk Tagging : follow your dreams, do what you want (also @dxsole for Evgeni and Philo ;3)

violent devotion

Everyone seems to think you are faithless, but the thing is you haven’t yet found someone who will bring you to your knees and make you raise your head in reverence. This world has stopped bringing you joy, you want more of the divine. You want to dedicate your entire existence to someone; you want to make them realise they are not something terrible, make them see just how much beauty they are bringing to this world. You want to be the only one for them, the only one they have chosen to love. There’s a god shaped pit inside of you and only they can fit in it. And what if they choose to walk away? Didn’t I say this was violent devotion?

[gcrdy]

Mister Fish? It wasn't the worst title he'd ever been given, but it certainly wasn't favorite. Still, if that's what this group of kids wanted to call him that while also making sure to keep their hands to themselves then he could certainly tolerate it. There was, of course, the possibility that this guy was lying to him, but Gordy's had a feeling this kid wasn't one for complicated ruses. Not that his intuition had ever been all that good, but his gut was telling him to take the other's words at face value.

Besides! No one called him "Mr. Anything". Even if it was a joke it was nice to be addressed with some level of respect. A joke was still way more than he got on a regular basis. Beggars didn't have the luxury of being choosers, and if he had to be an animal then a tropical fish seemed accurate enough.

"And I'll be sure to keep an eye out for your....style," Gordy gestured idly in Evgeni's direction, trying to find a flattering way to describe the whole wannabe mobster look the tracksuit was giving off. He was used to people commenting on his attire, but he personally thought he at least looked like he belonged in the places he frequented.

The tracksuit on the other hand...it was really more of a Sopranos kind of look.

Gordy stuck his hands in his pockets, idly glancing over at the people who walked past the alley, unaware they were walking but some very totally serious criminals. "You got a name, or do I get to pick out a weird nickname for you too?"

Evgeni just nods, not picking up on sarcasm— honestly, he needs to get better at that.

He also has to get better at not following strangers into dark alleys. If Yasha were here, he'd have a fit over Evgeni's carelessness. Regardless of what Yasha might say, he still follows, almost positive he's just made a new friend.

"We are very careful," He assures with a nod. "We have very strong team. Very smart. We protect each other and we are fast. You cannot catch us." Evgeni, specifically, was very nimble and hard to catch, partly because he could bend his spine in such a way— it's hard to grab someone who moves so fluidly.

"Bigger fish? You are not a fish." Evgeni thought this was much funnier than Gordy probably intended. "Ah, you are Mister Fish now! Ryba!" He thinks he's hilarious.

"But I will tell them; Mister Fish is off limits. Treat him very nice. And they will know it is you because you are so colorful." Hand gestures to Gordy's suit. "So bright!"

[troublesomecousin]

He knows he's made a mistake the moment the words come out of his mouth. That look on Evgeni's face tore right right into him, and Kevin feels anxiety shoot through him in an instant. Kevin had seen sadness on his friend's face before, but this wasn't quite that. Evgeni seemed deflated somehow, flatter as if he was simply a reflection of himself.

Sure, Kevin knew his reply wasn't going to make Evgeni super happy, the best answer would have been to say that he loved him back, to be honest...but since that wasn't an option, Kevin had figured saying something appreciative would have yielded something less miserable than whatever it was Evgeni was giving him right now.

There wasn't any time to really mull that over as Evgeni continued to speak, and in such a matter-of-fact sort of way. Kevin's heart sank down into his stomach, making him feel nauseous, but he still said nothing, blinking back at Evgeni dumbly.

What an awful time for his ability to speak to leave him! Something was wrong, and he knew what was wrong, but he couldn't form the words he needed to say.

I love you too.

But they were stuck, trapped somewhere between his mind and his mouth, ensnared in some terrible trap that Kevin had set out to keep himself from getting hurt. So why did he still ache so much? He hadn't exposed any raw nerves, and yet, there was still a dull pain in his chest that became instantly sharper as Evgeni started to pull away.

"Wait...goodbye? Right now?" Kevin takes a step toward the other, his hand reaching out to grab onto...well, ideally Evgeni's hand, but he would have taken anything at this point, even just the sleeve of his shirt. He'd had the afternoon planned out. He couldn't just let Evgeni walk away! Not when he knew he'd be waking up the next day with him just...gone. "Ev, I...I'd hoped we could grab a bite to eat before you go. Send you off right. You're not gonna travel on an empty stomach are ya?"

🎪 THE FINAL SHOW | @troublesomecousin

He had prepared the night before for what, at the time, he thought were the only two ways that this could go. Either Kevin felt the same...or he didn't. And Evgeni had told himself at least 100 times already that he shouldn't be sad if that wasn't the case.

Thanks was not something he had properly prepared for, if he were being honest.

And only a second ago he had felt his heart swell for that one moment, seeing Kevin smile at him in what he hoped would be a happy ending to all this. Maybe they couldn't stay together, but they would know. And that's all he really wanted, just for Kevin to know that despite the miles or the time apart, he would not be forgotten. He would be loved from afar.

This he doesn't know what to do with, aside from the obvious. "...You're welcome." It's said a bit breathlessly after a moment of pause where Evgeni looked at him with such uncertainty. He had prepared for the possibility of humiliation, not indifference.

At this point he thinks he would have preferred rejection. At least he would have known where he stood. "That's...that's all I wanted to say, really." There was so much more he wanted to say actually, but now it seemed like a moot point— Would it be so easy to forget him? So easy that Kevin didn't even think it necessary to acknowledge their time together? Is that what this was? Or did he think Evgeni was too young or perhaps too easily influenced to even know what love was?

None of these bitter questions in his head felt relevant enough to ask when the threat of more dismissal hung over him. "We'll be leaving soon. I don't know when we'll be back this way, the schedule changes every year," And that's never bothered him until now when he could have had someone to look for, someone to return to. "so...yeah."

He had hoped they would say goodbye with something affectionate; one last embrace, one last kiss, something he could have held onto— a hand is held out instead in a rather cold offering for what he thought had been a passionate summer. "Goodbye then."

[bruisedconscience]

“When I say I don’t wanna talk about somethin’, that ain’t me bein’ cute. I mean what I say, you pickin’ up on that or what?”

He wouldn’t go back to that part of town, mostly because that’s where the Archbishop was exonerated, or whatever. Everybody in town knew who he was and loved him, and Roy swore to Aaron that if he ever saw that motherfucker again, one of them was going to have to stop breathing by the end of the meeting.

“So fuckin’ leave it,” he ended on a quieter note, seeing how withdrawn Ev had become. Aaron liked this soppy sonuvabitch—if Roy scared him off, he’d be cryin’ every goddamn night. With a tired sigh and a blissful, raised-eyebrows look, Roy dug around in his pocket for a twenty he’d been saving.

“C’mon, you want somethin’ t’eat? Yer skinny as a crack whore strip-searched off the side’a the road.”

@dxsole

flip a lid - roy & evgeni [ source ]

[troublesomecousin]

Normally, compliments would have soothed Kevin in no time at all, but he barely heard it as Evgeni called him talented. Sure, that was entirely true, but it did nothing to push away the surprising amount of worry he could feel welling up inside of him. Evgeni was normally so chipper, almost unbearably cheery. Kevin would more than occasionally find it a bit annoying, but its absence now made him feel uneasy.

If something could get to Evgeni then it really must have been something bad.

But what did Kevin know about handling other people's baggage? He was quick to toss his own to the side, deny it completely if even acknowledge it at all. But you couldn't do that with another person's. Or well, you could, but then the chances were high that person would end up hating you, and the thought of Evgeni hating him...it made Kevin's stomach twist in terrible knots. As if the other young man may have even really meant something to him...

"Well that's....a lot, but I just gotta say, you don't have to do shit, actually. I don't do what my step-dad tells me, like...ever. And I'm still walking around, so it's not like you're gonna get struck down by some almighty force if you do what you want and not what your family wants." He might have been saying all of this with great conviction, but Kevin was hardly unaware of what a hypocrite he was to be saying all this, as if he too was not bound by family ties, bound by a duty that he had simply been born into...

Perhaps, that was why what Evgeni said struck him so deeply, dug right under his skin and hit a raw nerve, opening a wide enough hole within his chest so that Kevin's genuine feelings could crawl out of him without having to pass through all the filters he'd put in place to keep people from knowing how he felt and what he thought.

Kevin placed his hand on Evgeni's back, rubbing it and hoping the gesture would come off as comforting rather than just weird. "Deep breaths, Ev....you're fine, you don't need to be sorry. Sorry for fuckin' what? You just...feel your feelings a lot. Somebody's gotta do it for us repressed jackasses, right?"

Sometimes he didn't like Kevin. They were rare, often fleeting moments where the other's teasing hit too close to home or wound deeper than he thought they would— Evgeni didn't think liking someone...or loving someone was ever a bad thing. It couldn't be, could it? It was such a lovely thing.

The way Kevin spoke of the cottage and the fence and the kids and the cat just made him feel foolish. And what's worse is that he wasn't even upset about that. Maybe the embarrassment made his stomach turn too much this time or being faced with Kevin finding out that his feelings were stronger than even Evgeni knew was too daunting—

That slightly dizzying feeling was nothing to him finding out how unhappy he was. Evgeni had been grappling with it, unsure if it was pure unhappiness or perhaps just discontentment with his current situation. Other performers, they were a bit older and had a passion for it. They could go and dance and spin and jump until their bones were brittle and swear they never regretted a day on that stage.

Evgeni didn't feel he had a choice. He hadn't felt like he's had a choice in a long while.

"It's not that." He assures, going quite still. "You are talented...differently than me, but still talented." Weak smile is thrown over his shoulder before it forms a tight line again— he hadn't wanted to spoil things. This was meant to be a fun, happy thing between them and yet he he could feel that choking, dry feeling at the back of his throat start up.

"It is not hard for everyone." Alf took to clowning like a fish to water, for example. Maybe because he never had anyone and now he was part of some great big, strange family. "...It is hard for me. I—" How could he even say it? He's been too afraid to say it out loud to himself, let alone anyone else. "...If I had a choice, I would want to be more like you." Brave. Does as he pleases. Isn't confined to this one place that both comforts and stings. "But I don't. Because this is all I can do. This is what I must do. Like my father and his father before him."

And then they'll pack up and leave, nothing but a scrap of a forgotten poster left behind until the next, next season they may return, if weather and timing permit. And then Kevin will forget him too. It's inevitable, he thinks. Time will carve him away from his memory—

He feels his nose starts to run and it startles him so bad he jumps. "I am sorry—" He hiccups, now mad at himself for hiccuping. "I am being silly." Giggle forced through another hiccup. "I...We are all leaving soon. I get sad about it sometimes— You would think I would be more professional by now, yes? Not get so sad anymore."

[troublesomecousin]

"Yep, everyone. It's how you can tell we're all related." Kevin nods, but it's clear he's feeling a little more himself as something like a smile comes onto his face. That hadn't been much of a joke, but he had said it with some level of humor. Figures he could only truly be serious for so long before some deflecting made an appearance, but hopefully, not so much that it made Evgeni think he was being any less genuine. "Sure, we all carry it different, but it's our strongest family resemblance...that and our attractive jawlines."

He looks Evgeni in the eye only for a moment before he turns his attention down to their hands. The pressure of the other's grip made some of the tension leave Kevin's shoulders, and he returned the squeeze, doing his best to clear his thoughts and just focus on that feeling.

He may have had a hard time convincing himself of any real goodness within him, but Evgeni said it with such conviction that Kevin almost could have sworn he felt his opinion beginning to sway. That was the trouble with letting people work their way into your life. They started to actually have an impact...though maybe it wasn't so bad depending on who it was.

"You have entirely too much faith in me. I'm gonna have to do something about it," he replies, kissing the top of his boyfriend's head before allowing himself to relax back into the sofa. He felt better, but it still felt like there was something buzzing around in his head. "I think I'd like you to meet them...my family, y'know, the ones on the other side of the water. Like, proper meet them. My mum knows about you, what I've told her anyway. I think you two would get on. You both have this unshakable belief in me, it's weird. I feel like you could bond over it. And I know she'll want to feed you."

"I'm sure." Kevin could take some solace in the fact that Evgeni would never keep him guessing, never make things unclear; had he thought Kevin was dragging him down, hurting him and making him grieve, he would have said so. But this? To take all those worries and doubts Kevin tried to hide away and cradle them in his arms? That felt as natural as holding him. "We're just talking," He assures with a smile. "and talking is not wrong."

If anything, Evgeni had wondered what more honest conversation would look like with him— not that he thought Kevin was constantly lying to him, but just...covering up the tender parts of himself. Ignoring the things that he couldn't share easily, which, if he were really being honest with himself, Evgeni had as well.

Kevin brushes off this mystery person he referenced and Evgeni's lips purse ever so slightly. One tender part remains covered...but another is revealed. Small steps.

"Everyone?" That seems like a potent badness. Evgeni thinks harder, brows furrowing and lips tightening further (he's so painfully expressive, one could almost read his thoughts by expression alone). "...You must be a bit, ah, watered down then." He finally murmurs out, eyes darting to look at Kevin. "I like you. So you cannot be so very bad."

Kevin's hand is given a little squeeze. "The good thing about badness," Because if there was anyone who could find a silver lining in anything, it was probably him. "is that it is not all of you. There is good in you too. I have seen it...and in my experience, good is just as potent as bad; perhaps even more."

[troublesomecousin]

Evgeni's attempt to turn the focus back onto Kevin's feelings was completely ignored. Maybe Kevin could get into that personal mushy stuff later, but right now, he'd decided to poke at Evgeni's feelings, and that was that. Someone having feelings for him was much more entertaining and far less emotionally draining than him having to consider for more than a moment or two that he might have feelings of his own...

Though that passing thought did make him wonder, what exactly were his feelings about Evgeni? Sure, he knew he liked him just fine, enjoyed his company, enjoyed getting to be with him, but if you scratched below the surface of all of those, what was hidden further down? Kevin would have confidently said nothing if asked, but he said many things that weren't true.

Fortunately, for Kevin's self-image, Evgeni kept talking, which meant he didn't have to think about himself. Thank fucking God.

"Nope, sorry, no casual feelings are possible. I only inspire strong feelings like hate or complete obsession." He couldn't help himself, seeing the other's ears turn the color of cherries was simply too good for him to resist seeing if he could get them even redder. "Admit it, Ev. You're so in love with me. You wanna have a little cottage and a little fence and have like...fifteen kids...or at cat. Something like that."

But all at once, the tone shifts, and Evgeni is pulling away, both physically and in how he speaks. He seems upset in a way Kevin's never seen before, and he feels his heart drop into his stomach, making him feel a bit sick. He'd only been playing around. He didn't realize Evgeni would get so...whatever this was. "Hey, hey...I wasn't being serious." He turned, reaching out his hand to him, trying to hide the nervous twinge in his voice. "I don't even have an act. I don't know what I'd even do. I ain't talented like you are. Shit, Ev...is it really that bad?"

Evgeni had a good heart, at least. He's not one to poke fun about serious things, someone else's personal feelings included. Whatever Kevin was willing to share, he'd keep it safe. Especially seeing as Kevin did have this so-called reputation to uphold and he'd probably be very upset if anything feelings-related got out and painted him as a...completely normal human being.

And while Kevin's secrets may be safe with Evgeni, pointing out his crush was apparently still on the table. "Something like what?" Evgeni's never been a good liar but he can deflect on occasion. "We're talking about you, not me."

And yet he's the one feeling cornered, looking up at Kevin's twitching smirk and having a sinking suspicion the other could hear how hard his heart was suddenly pounding. "I can't be concerned about you? In a...completely casual way?" He's trying so hard to keep this conversation on Kevin and not— God, he can feel his ears starting to burn from his blush. This is actually the worst.

"You don't want to join the circus." He murmurs, ducking quickly round Kevin's side, attempting to get out of his line of sight and away from talks of love and running off together. "I—It's not as fun as it looks. Very hard."